Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] MY NAME'S

JON.

I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM.

THE RUSSIAN MOB WANTS ME DEAD,

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS

MURDERED, BUT, HEY, THIS COOL,

SINGLE DAD'S STILL GOT TO LIVE

LIFE.

OWW!

PREVIOUSLY ON "DELOCATED"...

>> JON, WHY DON'T WE GO OVER

SUSAN'S LIFE-INSURANCE POLICY?

IT WAS WORTH $5 MILLION.

>> Jon: $5 -- $5 MILLION?

HERE'S THE MILLION DOLLARS FOR

PROTECTION.

>> YOU ARE NOW WANG CHO

PROTECTED.

>> JON WILL DRIVE WANG CHOS

CUCKOO-BANANAS.

THEN WE STRIKE!

>> Jon: [ SCREAMING ]

>> JON! WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> Jon: I JUST REALIZED

SOMETHING.

I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

>> NEGATIVE.

>> David: WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> STAND DOWN.

HE'S JUST HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL

CRISIS.

>> 10-4.

DON'T WORRY.

YOUR FRIENDS ARE RIGHT HERE,

JON.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

NO, YOU GUYS DON'T COUNT.

YOU'RE PROFESSIONAL

RELATIONSHIPS.

>> David: I'M A PROFESSIONAL

RELATIONSHIP?

>> Jon: DAVID, I HAVE TO HANG

OUT WITH YOU, ALL RIGHT?

I'M OBLIGATED TO.

I CAN'T JUST CALL YOU UP AND BE

ALL LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, BRAH?

LET'S GO GRAB A COUPLE FALAF

SANDIES, WASH 'EM DOWN WITH SOME

ICE-COLD 'RONAS...

CHECK OUT SOME TUSH."

YOU'RE MY SON.

I CAN'T BE ALL LIKE, "WHAT'S UP,

BRAH?

YEAH, BRAH!"

>> David: I GET IT.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, BRAH.

>> David: WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO

ON THE INTERNET?

THERE ARE TONS OF PEOPLE THERE

LOOKING FOR FRIENDS.

>> Jon: THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

>> I'M PART OF AN ABU GHRAIB

ALUMNI GROUP.

WE PLAN A LOT OF FUN ACTIVITIES.

WE JUST HAD A BIG CAR WASH.

>> David: NICE.

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU GUYS

RAISE FOR THE TROOPS?

>> IT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR NEXT

TIME.

>> David: WHOA, DAD.

THERE'S ALREADY A PAGE FOR YOU.

>> Jon: WHAT?

SERIOUSLY?

>> David: YEAH. LOOK.

>> Jon: WHAT?

CLICK ON THE PHOTOS.

THE HELL?

WHAT IS THIS ONE?

"SANDWICH HUMPER."

THE [BLEEP] IS THIS?!

>> OH! FORGET ABOUT

journalface.net AND CHECK OUT

the-world-around-you.life!

IF PEOPLE GOT TO KNOW YOU, JON,

THEY WOULD LOVE YOU.

THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW THAT JON

FROM "DELOCATED" NEEDS A FRIEND!

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * I'M LOOKING FOR A FRIEND

* I'M LOOKING FOR A FRIEND

>> HEY! HEY!

SANDWICH HUMPER GUY!

YEAH! YOU LIKE IT!

UNH!

[ SINGING IN RUSSIAN ]

[ ALL CHEER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

>> [ GASPS ]

THANK YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> SO, SERGEI, THIS BIG PLAN OF

YOURS TO LET JON MAKE THE

WANG CHOS FALL APART --

WORD ON THE STREET IS IT AIN'T

WORKING.

>> HM.

PLAN GOING VERY WELL.

PEOPLE CAN START DYING ANY

MINUTE NOW.

PEOPLE WHO LOOK JUST LIKE YOU,

TODD BARRY.

>> RELAX.

>> WHO IS THAT?

>> OH, THAT'S MISHKA.

I HIRED HIM TO HELP OUT AROUND

HERE.

MISHKA!

>> HEY! OH!

SERGEI! SERGEI!

GREAT TO MEET YOU, SERGEI.

BEEN WAITING LONG TIME.

YOU'RE TINIER THAN I THOUGHT

YOU'D BE.

>> AND LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LOOK LIKE PATHETIC OLD LADY.

>> OH.

I KNIT SOMETHING FOR SECRET

PROJECT, SERGEI.

>> QUIET, MISHKA.

>> SECRET PROJECT?

>> YES.

>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

>> IT WILL BE FUN.

LOOK.

YOU LIKE?

>> I DO.

NOW, GO GET ME SOME COFFEE,

MISHKA!

>> Jon: UH, SAY THAT I HAVE A

SWEET LOFT.

UH, MENTION THE MILLION-DOLLAR

FRIEND CONTEST.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?

LOOK UP OLD GIRLFRIENDS.

IT'S A LEGAL WAY OF KEEPING IN

TOUCH.

[ COMPUTER BEEPS ]

>> David: UH-OH.

IT'S A NEW VIDEO ALERT FROM

FAKE JON.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

[ ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> David: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: IT'S NOT FUNNY.

SHUT UP.

>> David: SORRY.

>> Jon: GIVE ME THIS.

>> David: YEAH.

>> Jon: "DEAR FAKE JON,

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M THE...

>> "REAL JON.

I'M WRITING YOU TODAY TO LET YOU

KNOW THAT I DO NOT LIKE YOUR

PAGE.

PLEASE TAKE DOWN PAGE

IMMEDIATELY, OR I WILL HAVE

INTERNET COPS INVOLVED."

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

INTERNET COPS!

>> [ Laughing ] INTERNET COPS!

>> ARE THERE INTERNET COPS?

>> WHY IS JON MAKING MOUTH LOVE

TO SANDWICH?

>> NO, NO.

THAT'S NOT JON.

IT'S ME PRETENDING TO BE JON.

>> PLAN IS TO HUMILIATE JON ALL

OVER THE INTERNET.

>> YOU LIKE SECRET PROJECT,

SERGEI?

>> YVGENY, MAY I BORROW MISHKA?

>> WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK CITY?!

THIS IS BIG KEV 90.1, WXEN --

THE BLIZZ!

HEY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD

THE NEWS, GOT A CRAZY CONTEST

GOING ON.

JON FROM "DELOCATED" OFFERING

$1 MILLION FOR A NEW BEST

FRIEND.

THEY'RE LINING UP AROUND THE

BLOCK.

IF YOU WANT TO TAKE PART, YOU

GOT TO GET DOWN THERE,

NEW YORK.

CHECK IT OUT!

>> MAN, THIS SANDWICH FROM

NICKY'S IS AWESOME!

SURE WISH I COULD TAKE IT TO

THE RAGE CAGE.

OR THE BONE ZONE!

PFFRT!

>> IF I MAY, T-THAT'S JUST A

LITTLE KISS-ASSY.

>> I REALLY BADLY WANT TO BE

YOUR FRIEND.

>> AND CAN I JUST FIND OUT --

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LAST BEST

FRIEND?

>> MY LAST BEST FRIEND, UH, WAS

MURDERED.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> Jon: VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

>> WELL, A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME

THAT FROM THIS ANGLE I LOOK LIKE

JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP.

>> MM.

>> AND THAT, UH, FROM THIS SIDE,

IT'S KID ROCK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, JON?

>> David: YEAH.

I -- I DON'T KNOW.

HE JUST SORT OF CREEPS ME OUT.

>> Jon: TAKE A WALK, BEANTOWN.

CAN YOU TELL US WHAT YOU BRING

TO THE TABLE AS FAR AS BEING MY

BEST FRIEND?

>> HOOPS.

WE COULD GO OUT AND SHOOT HOOPS

TOGETHER.

>> Jon: I LIKE HOOPS.

[ NO AUDIO ]

>> THAT'S, UM, "WHENEVER I CALL

YOU 'FRIEND'"...

BY KENNY LOGGINS.

>> Jon: AND CAN YOU TELL US WHY

YOU THINK YOU'RE QUALIFIED TO BE

MY BEST FRIEND?

>> OKAY.

>> OH!

OH, MY GOODNESS!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> NEW YORK CITY, JON'S FRIEND

CONTEST DOWN TO THE FINAL

ROUND.

LET'S FIND OUT WHO'S GONNA WIN

THAT MILLION BUCKS!

>> Jon: THIS WAS A REAL TOUGH

DECIZ.

BUT IN THE END, THERE WAS ONE

BROMIGO THAT I CAN SEE MYSELF

PULLING A QUALITY HANG WITH

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AS WE POUND

BREWS AND BANG BABES.

[ DRUMROLL ]

AND THAT DAWG...

THAT DAWG...

WAS RONNIE!

>> YEAH!

[BLEEP] YEAH!

WHOO!

>> Jon: DUDE, I AM PSYCHED TO

START THE RONNIE AND JONNY

BREAK-DANCE TEAM.

* OW! POP AND LOCK

* OH OH-EH-OH-EH OH!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> DEFINITELY!

BUT, UH, HOW ABOUT WE GET THE

MONEY THING ALL SQUARED AWAY

FIRST?

MILLION DOLLARS, RIGHT?

>> Jon: HOLD UP, GUYS.

HOLD UP.

UH, IF ANY OF YOU GUYS ARE HERE

FOR THE FRIENDSHIP, YOU CAN COME

RIGHT BACK HERE, LINE UP.

WE'LL RE-VOTE, AND I'LL

HIGH-FIVE THE NEW WINNER.

BUT IF YOU ARE HERE FOR THE

MONEY, THEN GET OUT.

>> GO [BLEEP] A SANDWICH,

BUTTHOLE!

>> Jon: I'M SORRY, JAY.

GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DO YOU SEE THIS MAN?

>> YES.

>> THE ONE STANDING THERE -- NOT

THE ONE WALKING AWAY.

THIS MAN HERE TO HELP US MAKE

ANOTHER FAKE JON PRANK VIDEO.

>> OH, YEAH?

>> THIS FAKE GUN.

>> OH. LOOK AT THIS.

>> NO BULLETS, JUST BLANKS.

>> TINY.

>> PRETEND TO SHOOT HIM IN THE

HEAD.

>> OH! YEAH?

>> OH.

AND, MISHKA, THERE WILL BE FAKE

BLOOD, TOO.

>> I AM JON.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

PERFECT.

OKAY.

GO AHEAD.

>> SAY, "ACTION!"

>> OH. SORRY, MISHKA.

ACTION!

[ LAUGHS ]

PERFECT.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> HEY, SANDWICH DICK!

UNH!

UNH! UNH! UNH!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> SAY, UH, WHAT'S UP WITH THE

SKI MASK?

>> Jon: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME ON

THE INTERNET MAKING A SANDWICH

PENIS?

>> SANDWICH PENIS?

[ LAUGHS ]

GIVE ME A FOOT-LONG ON WHEAT AND

HOLD THE BALLS.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ NOTE PLAYS ]

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

PFFRT!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WELL, I'M NOT MUCH FOR THE

INTERNET, YOU KNOW?

NO ONE TO E-MAIL WITH, REALLY.

>> Jon: NO? NO FAMILY?

>> NO FAMILY.

NEVER REALLY GOT AROUND TO IT.

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

LOOK AT THOSE TWO NERDS, HUH?

[ LAUGHS ]

>> MAKES ME SAD TO KNOW THAT

I'LL NEVER GET TO BE A

GRANDFATHER.

OH, WELL.

I GUESS IT'S NOT SO BAD BEING

MARRIED TO MY HAND.

[ NOTE PLAYS ]

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

LET ME SHAKE THAT HAND.

I'M JON.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU, JON.

I'M CHARLIE.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * HANGING OUT WITH MY NEW

BEST FRIEND *

* JUST HE AND ME

* DOING WHAT NEW BEST FRIENDS DO

WELL *

* IT'S A TWO-MAN PARTY

* YOU'VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE

I'VE BEEN LATELY *

* DON'T YOU WORRY, BABY

* I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH MY

NEW BEST FRIEND *

* MY NEW BEST FRIEND...

>> Jon: * GOT A NEW BEST FRIEND,

AND HIS NAME IS CHARLIE *

* MARRIED TO HIS HAND, NEVER HAD

A FAMILY *

PFFRT!

[ LAUGHS ]

SEE IF I GOT ANY NEW MESSAGES.

WHOA!

HEARD FROM KAREN WHITAKER, MY

PROM DATE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

LISTEN TO THIS.

"JON, BEEN WATCHING THE SHOW.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE BEST FRIEND

CONTEST.

IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE SEEING AN

OLD FRIEND, COME ON DOWN TO

PHILLY."

>> David: I THOUGHT YOU WERE

JUST LOOKING FOR A BEST FRIEND?

>> Jon: I AM.

BUT, UH, BEST FRIENDS AREN'T

HIGH-SCHOOL TUSH.

[ BILLIARD BALLS CLACK ]

>> GOOD SHOT.

>> Jon: AND THAT IS HOW THE

"PFFRT" CRUMBLES, CHARLIE, MY

MAN!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

OH, UH, BEFORE I FORGET, I'M NOT

GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE IT NEXT

WEEK.

HEADING TO THE CITY OF BROTHERLY

LOVE TO MEET MY OLD PROM DATE

FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

WANTS TO HAVE A LITTLE

"MANO Y JON-O," IF YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> OKAY.

BUT MAKE SURE YOU GET IN A PUMP

FOR GOOD OLD CHARLIE.

YOU KNOW, BACK IN MY ARMY DAYS,

I USED TO BE KNOWN AS THREE-PUMP

HUMP.

A ONE...A TWO...A THREE!

[ NOTE PLAYS ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Jon: I'LL BE BACK IN TWO

DAYS, THEN WE'LL GET SOME HANG.

>> I-IN THE MEANTIME, UH, TAKE

MY PITCH PIPE...FOR GOOD LUCK.

>> Jon: YOU MEAN IT?

[ SIGHS ]

THIS IS WEIRD.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ SIGHS ]

KAREN.

>> JON.

>> Jon: OH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> PROM NIGHT, 1986.

>> Jon: UGH.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT

THIS.

THIS IS...

>> LOOK AT MY HAIR.

>> Jon: UGH.

TWO WEIRD PEAS IN A WEIRD POD.

WHOA! KAREN...

>> OH!

JON, I'M SORRY.

>> Jon: HEY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> [ SIGHS ]

I'VE JUST BEEN GOING THROUGH A

ROUGH PATCH LATELY.

I'VE BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR

A WHILE.

I THINK MY HOUSE IS GONNA GET

REPOSSESSED.

>> Jon: OH, WELL, YOU KNOW,

BETTER -- BETTER REPOSSESSED

THAN [Eerily] POSSESSED.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

SORRY.

OH. IT'S MY FRIEND CHARLIE.

VOICE MAIL.

PFFRT.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> THANKS FOR COMING HERE, JON.

SEEING YOU MAKES ME FEEL A LOT

BETTER.

>> Jon: I KNEW YOU WERE A FREE

AGENT.

>> JON.

JON.

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO

KNOW.

REMEMBER AFTER PROM NIGHT WHEN

YOU SAID, "THANKS FOR THE SWEET

ONE AND DONE"?

>> Jon: MM-HMM.

>> WELL, IT WASN'T JUST A ONE

AND DONE.

YOU GOT ME PREGNANT.

SHE'S GROWN UP TO BE A

BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN, AND

SHE'S GOT A DAUGHTER OF HER OWN.

JON...YOU'RE A GRANDPA.

THIS IS DONNA.

>> Jon: WHEN -- WHEN CAN I MEET

HER?

WHEN -- WHEN CAN I MEET HER AND

ANNIE?

>> I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD

IDEA.

>> Jon: WHY? THEY'RE NOT AROUND?

>> NO, BUT WHAT IF THIS IS JUST

ANOTHER ONE AND DONE?

>> Jon: LOOK.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS COME TO

NEW YORK?

>> JON, W-WE REALLY CAN'T

AFFORD IT RIGHT NOW.

>> Jon: KAREN, LOOK.

I'VE COME INTO A LOT OF

INSURANCE MONEY RECENTLY, OKAY?

NOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO USE THE

MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF DAVID, BUT

HE'S NOT GONNA NOTICE IF I USE

SOME TO TAKE CARE OF ANNIE.

ANNIE IS ALSO MY CHILD, AND SO

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE

MONEY IS THERE TO TAKE CARE OF

HER AND DONNA...AND YOU, TOO.

CALL ME "JONNY BIG BUCKS."

I MAKE THE CALL WHEN IT COMES

TO THE DOUGH.

>> OKAY.

>> Jon: OKAY?

>> OKAY.

>> Jon: [ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE A

GRANDDAUGHTER.

I GOT TO CALL CHARLIE.

HE IS GONNA BE SO...

>> YOU HAVE ONE NEW MESSAGE.

TO LISTEN TO YOUR MESSAGE,

PRESS "1."

[ BEEP ]

>> JONNY!

CHARLIE!

HOPE THINGS ARE GOOD DOWN THERE

IN PHILLY.

DON'T FORGET TO GET A PUMP IN

THERE FOR OLD CHARLIE.

A ONE...A TWO...A --

[ MOANS ]

>> SO, IT TURNS OUT YOUR NEW

FRIEND CHARLIE DIDN'T HAVE ANY

FAMILY AT ALL, SO JUST BEFORE HE

DIED, HE UPDATED HIS WILL, AND

HE NAMED YOU THE SOLE HEIR TO

HIS ESTATE.

>> Jon: LIKE WHAT?

HIS DENTURE COLLECTION?

>> NO.

BUT HE DID LEAVE YOU HIS CANE --

SOMETHING TO REMEMBER HIM BY --

AS WELL AS THIS BOX OF CLOTHES,

AND THEN, UH, WELL, OTHER THAN

THAT, THE ONLY OTHER THING IN

THE ESTATE IS, UH, $3 MILLION.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> HOLY [BLEEP]

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD!

>> WELL, THIS HAS GOT TO BE

FAMILIAR TERRITORY TO YOU AT

THIS POINT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SOMEBODY DIES, AND THEY LEAVE

YOU ALL THEIR MONEY.

>> Jon: WOW!

THIS IS LIKE CHARLIE HAD HIS OWN

FRIEND COMPETITION AND I'M THE

WINNER.

I WIN!

>> WELL...

>> Jon: WHOO!

>> YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD THINK

ABOUT IT THAT WAY.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, A

MAN IS DEAD.

>> JON, YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT

HOW YOU CAN HONOR YOUR GOOD

FRIEND.

>> Jon: YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> OKAY.

>> Jon: I REALLY WISH CHARLIE

COULD BE THERE TO MEET MY NEW

FAMILY.

>> HE CANNOT DO THAT.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE HE CAN.

>> NO. I MEAN...

>> Jon: MAYBE HE CAN.

[ NOTE PLAYS ]

>> I MEAN, HE CAN'T.

HE CANNOT.

Y-YOU KNOW, HE'S DEAD.

HE CAN'T DO IT.

>> Jon: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

>> HMM?

>> Jon: THERE MIGHT BE A WAY HE

CAN.

>> THERE'S NO WAY.

THERE'S LITERALLY --

[ NOTE PLAYS ]

>> Jon: THAT'S THEM.

THAT'S THEM.

THAT'S THEM.

OH, BOY!

OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

I'M VERY NERVOUS.

VERY NER-- WOW.

>> YOU READY?

HUH?

>> Jon: HI!

LITTLE DONNA!

OHH! COME TO GRAMPSY.

HI.

WHERE -- WHERE'S ANNIE?

>> OH! UGH.

SHE GOT A REALLY BAD STOMACH

VIRUS.

SHE'S SORRY SHE COULDN'T MAKE

IT.

>> Jon: OH. THAT'S OKAY.

MORE TIME FOR GRAMPSY!

OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!

HEY, EVERYBODY.

I WOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS

WEEKEND TO MY DEAD BEST FRIEND,

CHARLIE.

HE NEVER GOT TO HAVE HIS OWN

GRANDDAUGHTER, SO MAYBE DONNA

CAN BE HIS HONORARY

GRANDDAUGHTER.

PUT THIS ON, WE'LL GO HAVE

SOME FUN?

LET'S DO IT, NEW YORK!

HERE WE GO.

CAN YOU GO LIKE THIS?

CAN YOU GO "PFFRT!"

>> PFFRT!

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

>> HEY, LITTLE DONNA.

I'M MR. WALRUS.

>> Jon: OKAY.

WHO'S READY FOR A NEW YORK

SLICE?

HERE WE GO, EVERYBODY.

GOBBLE UP AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

GO AHEAD AND START 'CAUSE

GRANDPA'S GONNA GO TO TALK TO

T.B. OUTSIDE, OKAY?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

ENJOY YOUR PIZZA, BOYS AND

GIRLS.

>> Jon: THE [BLEEP] YOU DOING

IN THERE, MAN?

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> Jon: YOU'RE TRYING TO GRANDPA

MY GRANDDAUGHTER -- THAT'S WHAT.

THIS IS MY WEEKEND, T.B.

[ SIGHS ]

STAY OUT OF GRANDPA-TOWN.

THAT'S MY DOMAIN.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ VOLUME INCREASES ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> [ GASPS ]

>> Jon: CHARLIE, MY MAN.

GOOD NEWS. GOOD NEWS.

I TOOK SOME OF YOUR INHERITANCE

MONEY AND HELPED OUT A VERY

SPECIAL GROUP OF PEOPLE --

BANK-WIRED THEM A MILLION BUCKS

TODAY.

SO, UH, THANK YOU, FRIEND.

YOU HELPED MY FAMILY, AND YOU

MIGHT HELP ME GET LAID.

>> JON, LIMO'S FIVE BLOCKS AWAY.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

GIVE THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS A

PUMP FOR OLD JONNY, HUH?

LET'S DO IT.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ NOTE PLAYS ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

THINK SHE'S GOING TO LIKE THIS

T-SHIRT?

>> SHE'S GONNA LOVE IT, YEAH.

>> Jon: SHOULD I GET A NEW

DESIGN?

>> TRY AND SURPRISE YOURSELF.

>> Jon: OKAY.

>> OKAY. GOT IT.

JON...YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU

THOUGHT I WAS TRYING TO GRANDPA

YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER?

>> Jon: T.B., WATER UNDER THE

BRIDGE.

I'M COOL WITH IT.

>> I WAS TRYING TO GRANDPA HER.

>> Jon: I [BLEEP] KNEW IT, MAN!

YOU [BLEEP] ASSHOLE!

>> FOR A REASON.

I WAS TRYING TO GET A DNA

SAMPLE.

IT TURNS OUT SHE'S NOT YOUR

GRANDDAUGHTER.

THE FBI JUST RAIDED THE HOUSE.

THERE'S NOTHING THERE BUT A

METH LAB IN THE BASEMENT.

THERE WASN'T EVEN AN ANNIE.

>> Jon: ANNIE'S DEAD?

>> NO, JON.

>> Jon: WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

WHERE'S ANNIE, T.B.?!

WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

IS SHE GONE?

ARE YOU TRYING TO FIND HER?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S --

>> JON!

>> Jon: WHERE IS ANNIE, T.B.?!

>> JON!

THERE IS NO ANNIE.

THEY USED YOU.

I AM SO SORRY TO BE THE

MESSENGER OF BAD NEWS, JON.

>> Jon: OH!

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]

I'M GONNA TAKE ONE LAST RIDE

WITH MY GRANDDAUGHTER.

>> HEY, NEW YORK.

HOW WE DOING OUT THERE?

THIS IS BIG KEV OVER AT

90.1, WXEN -- THE BLIZZ, AND,

UH, WELL, WE JUST GOT SOME

TERRIBLE NEWS THAT CAME, UH,

CAME THROUGH THE HORN HERE.

JON FROM "DELOCATED," THE GUY

TRYING TO DO THAT BEST FRIEND

CONTEST, GOT A TOUGH LOAD OF

NEWS THAT FELL IN HIS LAP.

THOUGHT HE HAD A DAUGHTER AND

A GRANDDAUGHTER -- TURNS OUT IT

WAS ALL A SCAM.

THEY WERE METH HEADS, AND, UH,

OH, BOY, THAT'S A TOUGH BREAK,

BUT HANG IN THERE, BUDDY.

ANOTHER DAY'S COMING AROUND

THE PIKE.

THE SUN'S STILL GONNA COME UP

BUT, GOD DAMN IT, THAT'S A

TOUGH ONE ANYWAY.

YOU GOT 90.1 -- THE BLIZZ!