Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] MY NAME'S

JON.

I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM.

THE RUSSIAN MOB WANTS ME DEAD,

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS

MURDERED, BUT, HEY, THIS COOL,

SINGLE DAD'S STILL GOT TO LIVE

LIFE.

OWW!

PREVIOUSLY ON "DELOCATED!"...

>> WHY DON'T WE ACTUALLY JUST GO

OVER SUSAN'S LIFE-INSURANCE

POLICY, OKAY?

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> FOR $5 MILLION.

>> Jon: SO, I'M A MILLIONAIRE

NOW?

>> HELLO, JON.

I'M SUSAN SHAPIRO.

I'M PRESIDENT OF THE NETWORK,

AND I'M GONNA BE YOUR POINT

PERSON ON "DELOCATED!"

>> PLEASE, TRISH, CALL ME

YVGENY.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

OKAY.

>> YOU SHOULD BE HEAD OF

FAMILY -- NOT YVGENY.

>> Jon: SUSAN FROM NETWORK!

SUSAN FROM NETWORK!

>> SPEAK TO YOU LATER.

>> Jon: WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

WHAT -- WHAT'S WRONG?

>> YOU ENDED UP TRYING TO HAVE

SEX WITH HER PILLOW AGAIN.

>> Jon: OH!

YEAH, I KIND OF FEEL LIKE I'M

GOING TO BE PRETTY GOOD AT

CYCLING.

MIGHT TAKE DAVID TO FRANCE NEXT

YEAR, CHECK OUT THE TOUR.

MAYBE SHAVE OUR LEGS TOGETHER,

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE RACERS.

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT.

YEAH. THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

CAN I CALL YOU BACK?

GREAT. BYE.

JON.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BY WITHOUT

SCHEDULING AN APPOINTMENT?

>> Jon: I JUST CAME BY TO PICK

UP THOSE, UH, SITCOM TICKETS

YOU GOT ME.

>> YEAH.

AS I TOLD YOU EARLIER, I LEFT

THEM WITH SECURITY.

>> Jon: NO, I KNOW.

I PICKED THEM UP.

THOUGHT I'D COME UP, AS WELL --

GET A LITTLE FACE TIME WITH THE

NETWORK, LET MY DOGS CHILL.

YEAH -- THE HIGHER THE DOG, THE

SWEETER THE CHILL.

[ SIGHS ]

>> LOOKING PRETTY BUFF IN THAT

CYCLING OUTFIT.

>> Jon: UH, T.B., YOU MIND

WAITING OUTSIDE FOR A SEC?

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, SUSAN...

I'VE KIND OF ALWAYS FELT THAT

WITH ME AND YOU, WE COULD BE

LOOKING AT THE NEXT SAM AND

DIANE.

SAM AND DIANE FROM "CHEERS."

>> YES. I GET THE REFERENCE.

>> Jon: LOT OF SEXUAL TENSION

BETWEEN THOSE TWO.

A LOT OF SEXUAL TENSION.

>> I'M SORRY THAT YOU MISTOOK

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS OBVIOUS,

POORLY CONCEALED SARCASM

REGARDING YOUR OUTFIT AS

FLIRTING.

>> Jon: AND THAT IS JUST THE

SORT OF PITHY COMEBACK DIANE

WOULD FIRE OFF AT SAM...

RIGHT BEFORE THEY STARTED MAKING

OUT.

>> SO, YOU GOT YOUR TICKETS?

YES?

GREAT. SO...

THANK YOU, JON.

>> [ Russian accent ] AS THE NEW

HEAD OF THE MIRMINSKY FAMILY,

I'VE NAMED TRISH VICE PRESIDENT

OF OUR NEW COMPANY, MNCFVC --

MIRMINSKY NON-CRIME FAMILY VODKA

COMPANY.

NEXT, I HAVE CHOSEN THE FIRST

POTATO TO GO IN THE PROCESSOR

WHEN PRODUCTION STARTS.

THIS POTATO IS A SYMBOL OF

OUR FUTURE.

I AM NAMING HER HELEN, BECAUSE

SHE IS GOING TO BE THE LAUNCH OF

A THOUSAND BOTTLES OF VODKA!

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> David: THANKS FOR GETTING US

THESE TICKETS, BY THE WAY.

>> Jon: JUST SO YOU KNOW, THEY

WERE A REAL PAIN TO GET.

>> David: BUT HOW?

I MEAN, YOU GOT THEM FOR FREE

FROM SUSAN, RIGHT?

YOU RODE YOUR BIKE, LIKE, 10

BLOCKS TO GET THEM, SO...

>> Jon: YEAH, EXACTLY.

I RODE 10 BLOCKS FOR THESE

SEATS?

WE COULDN'T GET FRONT-ROW?

I GUESS THESE YAHOOS ARE ALSO

STARS OF THE NETWORK, HUH?

>> David: WHATEVER.

>> OKAY, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO A TAPING OF

"ATTITUDE STOOL."

YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME?!

>> Jon: WHOO!

>> OH, HEY, LOOK!

IT'S THE STAR OF

"ATTITUDE STOOL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M KIDDING.

STEVE, GET OUT HERE!

>> Jon: WHOO! GO!

>> EVERYBODY, STEVE!

>> Jon: EXCELLENT!

YEAH, STEVE!

>> ALL RIGHT.

EVERYBODY, MY NAME IS

PETE FONTAINE, AND I AM WHAT'S

KNOWN IN SHOWBIZ AS A WARM-UP

COMEDIAN.

MY JOB IS TO GET YOU FOLKS IN A

GOOD MOOD BEFORE THE ACTORS COME

OUT AND KEEP YOU IN A GOOD MOOD

IN BETWEEN TAKES, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, KEEP THE ENERGY LEVEL

UP, KEEP YOU EXCITED, SITTING

ERECT, STROKING YOUR FUNNY BONE

TILL YOU'RE SPEWING LAUGHTER.

I'M BASICALLY A NON-PORN

FLUFFER.

>> Jon: [ LAUGHING ]

FLUFFER!

>> HEY, NOT THAT I DON'T DO SOME

REAL FLUFFING ON THE SIDE FOR

SOME EXTRA MONEY.

>> Jon: [ Laughing ] OH, WOW.

>> AND IF ANY OF YOU GUYS ARE

INTERESTED IN THAT, MEET ME IN

THE ALLEY BEHIND THE STUDIO

AFTER THE SHOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE READY TO START

THE SHOW.

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR

"ATTITUDE STOOL"?!

>> Jon: WHOO! GO!

YEAH, TAKE YOUR TIME, T.B.

MAN, OH, MAN.

>> HA HA! NICE!

BEST SHOW ON TV.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I'LL GET YOU

ONE OF MINE, OKAY?

>> YEAH. WHENEVER.

>> David: DAD, CAN WE PLEASE

LEAVE?

>> Jon: CAN YOU PLEASE RELAX?

THANK YOU.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO DO,

AND THEN WE'LL GO.

PETE!

>> OH. HEY, MAN.

>> Jon: HEY.

GREAT STUFF OUT THERE.

>> OH, THANKS, BUDDY.

>> Jon: SO FUNNY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

UH, YOU HERE TO TAKE ME UP ON

THAT FLUFFER OFFER?

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> IS HE 18?

>> Jon: [ LAUGHING ]

NO. NO.

ACTUALLY, TO BE HONEST, I HAD A

LITTLE BIT OF A ROUGH MORNING

TODAY.

>> OH.

>> Jon: AND I GO TO SEE MY BOSS.

WE KIND OF GOT A SEXUAL-TENSION

THING GOING ON BETWEEN US.

SHE'S IN TOTAL DENIAL ABOUT IT,

BY THE WAY.

BUT WE GET IN A DUMB FIGHT.

SHE WAS IN A BAD MOOD THIS

MORNING, FOR WHO KNOWS WHAT

REASON.

I'M HERE, WATCHING YOU.

I THINK, "OH, MAN, IT WOULD HAVE

BEEN SO GREAT IF I COULD HAVE

HAD SOMEONE LIKE PETE THIS

MORNING."

COULD HAVE GONE IN BEFORE ME,

GOT HER ALL EXCITED AND PSYCHED

TO SEE ME.

BOOM!

SHE'S ALREADY IN A GREAT MOOD,

AND THEN THE MEETING GOES GREAT.

WE START MAKING OUT.

WHATEVER.

MY POINT IS, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE

TO WARM UP MY LIFE?

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MAN?

WARMING UP SOMEBODY'S LIFE?

THAT'S, LIKE, THE ULTIMATE

WARM-UP GIG.

I'M IN!

I WAS A WAITER IN COLLEGE.

I WAS DATING THIS GIRL.

TOOK US SO LONG TO HAVE SEX, MY

FRIENDS STARTED CALLING ME

"THE WAITER."

[ LAUGHS ]

THE ONLY CRIME THIS FAMILY'S

COMMITTING IS WEARING TOO MUCH

COLOGNE.

P.U.!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE HARDEST THING ABOUT LEARNING

TO RIDE A BIKE IS THE CEMENT ON

THE SIDEWALK!

YOW!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S BRING HIM

OUT -- THE MAN WHO'S GONNA ORDER

DINNER...

THE MAN WHO'S HERE TO GIVE YOU

HIS NEXT PAYMENT FOR

PROTECTION...

THE GUY WHO'S GONNA TAKE YOU ON

A BIKE RIDE...

...JON!

...JON!

...YOUR DAD!

>> WHOO!

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT!

IS HE GREAT, HUH?

IS HE GREAT?

HEY, READY? DAVID.

>> VERY GOOD.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> DEAL ME IN, FELLAS.

THIS IS ABOUT TO BECOME A MAN'S

GAME.

WHAT IS THAT?

>> WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

>> WHAT'S WITH THE POTATO?

>> HEY! PUT HER DOWN!

>> WHY IS TODD BARRY HOLDING

HELEN?

>> HELEN? WHO'S HELEN?

>> HELEN IS POTATO THAT WILL

START NEW MIRMINSKY VODKA

COMPANY.

PERHAPS HELEN WOULD BE SAFER AT

HOME INSTEAD OF LIVING ON TABLE

WHERE CLUMSY FOOLS LIKE

TODD BARRY CAN HARM HER.

>> THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

>> IT IS NECESSARY.

IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING -- "IF

YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT

WITH A POTATO, DO IT YOURSELF

WITH A POTATO."

>> LET'S GO.

>> I THINK HE SAID "POTATO" AT

LEAST ONE TOO MANY TIMES IN

THAT.

>> I'D SETTLE FOR "GIVE ME

LIBERTY OR GIVE ME A

CHIMICHANGA."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> OKAY, HERE HE IS, THE MAN YOU

CALLED A MEETING WITH -- JON!

>> Jon: WHOO! YEAH! HEY, MAN.

REAL NICE. REAL NICE.

BEST SET YET.

WHAT IS UP, SUE-MAGOO?

>> WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

>> Jon: WHAT?

OH, YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

FORGOT I WAS WEARING MY "BECKER"

SHIRT.

USED TO BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE

SHOWS.

TED DANSON WAS IN IT.

>> I KNOW.

>> Jon: HOW ABOUT PETE, HUH?

HOW FUNNY IS HE?

>> HE'S SO GOOD.

>> Jon: SO GOOD, RIGHT?

>> SO FUNNY.

>> Jon: I KNOW.

>> THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO TALK

TO YOU ABOUT.

INITIALLY, I THOUGHT THE IDEA OF

A WARM-UP COMIC FOR YOUR LIFE

WAS REALLY STUPID.

BUT I WATCHED THE FOOTAGE, AND

HE'S WONDERFUL.

SO THE NETWORK HAS DECIDED TO

PUT HIM ON SALARY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY HIM OUT OF

YOUR OWN POCKET ANYMORE.

>> Jon: THAT'S GREAT, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: TERRIFIC.

"CHEERS"...TO THAT.

>> I'VE GOT SOME MORE GOOD NEWS.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS

FOR YOUR SHOW, AND IT SEEMS YOUR

RATINGS HAVE GONE UP, SO

CONGRATULATIONS.

[ ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

NO.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

>> I WAS JUST BEING FRIENDLY.

>> Jon: PUT IT BACK.

>> OUR RELATIONSHIP IS STRICTLY

PROFESSIONAL.

>> Jon: YEAH, LIKE A BARTENDER

AND A WAITRESS.

>> NOT AT ALL LIKE A BARTENDER

AND A WAITRESS.

>> Jon: SUSAN, COME ON.

YOU LIKE RATINGS, RIGHT?

AND A ROMANCE BETWEEN THE TWO OF

US WOULD EQUAL "HELLO, NIELSEN."

>> BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE HERE.

>> Jon: A LITTLE TOO HOT AND

SEXY, HUH?

>> NO. I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU.

>> Jon: YEAH, RIGHT.

>> AND I'M SEEING SOMEONE.

>> Jon: WHO? COUNT PIZZULA?

>> THERE SHE IS!

>> HI!

>> PLEASE WELCOME THE LADY I'M

TAKING TO LUNCH!

[ SMOOCHES ]

>> YOU OKAY, JON?

>> Jon: CAN'T BELIEVE PETE WOULD

STAB ME IN THE BACK LIKE THAT.

I GIVE HIM A JOB -- HE TAKES

MY GIRL?

HE KNEW ABOUT THE SAM-AND-DIANE

VIBE.

I'D LIKE TO WARM UP HIS NUTS

WITH A SWIFT KICK TO THE SAC.

>> WAAAAH! WAAH! WAAH! WAAH!

ENOUGH!

ARE YOU GONNA POUT AND COMPLAIN

LIKE A BABY ALL DAY, JON?

WORDS ARE A COWARD'S SWORD.

BOLD DEEDS ARE THE WEAPON OF THE

BRAVE.

NOW, YOU NEED TO STOP ACTING

LIKE THE JON YOU THINK YOU ARE

AND START ACTING LIKE THE SAM

YOU KN YOU ARE.

>> Jon: HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

* I'M ABOUT TO GET [BLEEP] BLOWN

ALL OVER THIS [BLEEP] *

[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ FLOORBOARDS CREAK ]

>> VODKA...

>> THIS IS VERY SERIOUS PIECE OF

NEWS YOU BRING ME.

>> IT IS WHAT IT IS, MAN.

SOMEBODY WANTS YOU DEAD, AND

THEY OFFER ME A QUARTER MIL TO

DO IT.

NOW, I AIN'T GOT NO BEEF WITH

YOU.

THAT'S WHY I AM HERE...

AND WHY YOU AIN'T DEAD.

>> HOW MUCH TO CALL IT OFF?

>> DOUBLE. HALF A MIL.

BY TOMORROW.

>> VERY WELL.

>> Jon: HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?

WANG GANG!

[ Breathlessly ] WHAT'S...GOING

ON?

WHOO!

I JUST DID A SOLID THREE.

OH, MAN!

AHH!

YOU GUYS GOT A BIKE RACK?

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET ONE,

'CAUSE, UH, I'M REALLY GETTING

INTO CYCLING.

PROBABLY GONNA SHOW UP HERE A

LOT ON MY BIKE.

>> JON.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BY SO

UNANNOUNCED AND SO OUT OF SHAPE?

>> Jon: OH, I WANT YOU GUYS TO,

UH, BUILD THIS FOR ME IN HERE.

I KNOW IT'S A LOT TO ASK.

I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF

CONSTRUCTION AND, UH, A LOT OF

NOISE, BUT, UH --

>> WE'LL DO IT...

FOR $500,000.

>> Jon: GREAT! WOW!

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MORE.

>> HEY, JON, WHERE'S PETE?

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW, AND I

DON'T CARE!

>> AHH!

>> MEN, THE TIME HAS COME

TO START PRODUCTION ON

KNOCK KNOCK WHO'S THERE VODKA

BRAND VODKA.

>> CONGRATULATIONS, YVGENY!

AND CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF

US.

NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE,

OF COURSE...

WITHOUT HELEN.

[ SMOOCHES ]

MISS VICE PRESIDENT.

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> NO, I'M LOOKING AT THE POSTER

NOW.

IT'S GOOD.

IT'S TESTING REALLY WELL, TOO.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ SIGHS ]

ANOTHER DELIVERY FROM "SAM"?

UH, NO. NOTHING.

I JUST GOT FLOWERS HERE.

READ THE CARD.

"WARM UP THOSE LIPS AND MEET

YOUR WARM-UP TONIGHT AT 9:00 FOR

A SPECIAL NIGHT OF SPECIAL TIMES

WITH A SPECIAL LADY."

OH! GOOD. THEY'RE FROM PETE.

I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE TAKEN

ANOTHER DELIVERY OF

DIANE-FODILS.

YEAH.

[ ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

THANK YOU.

IS PETE FONTAINE HERE?

>> WELCOME TO JON'S PUB...

WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO YOU

ARE.

>> WHAT?

[ "CHEERS"-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> HELLO.

I'M THE GLAZIER.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, FRASIER,

FROM "CHEERS."

>> HEY, EVERYBODY.

>> All: JAY!

>> HEY, JAY, WHAT'S UP WITH THE

AVOCADO?

>> OH, JUST TRYING TO BE MORE

HEALTHY -- YOU KNOW, EAT MORE

VEGETABLES.

>> ALTHOUGH I APPLAUD YOUR

HEALTHY EFFORTS, UH, TECHNICALLY

AN AVOCADO IS A FRUIT.

>> OH.

>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S A FRUIT, YOU

FRUIT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

>> UH, INTERESTING STORY ABOUT

THE AVOCADO.

THE WORD "AVOCADO" COMES FROM

THE AZTEC WORD "AGUACATE,"

MEANING "TESTICLE."

>> Jon: OH.

I'VE HEARD OF BLUE BALLS, BUT,

UH, GRE BALLS?

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

[ BELL CLANGING ]

>> SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU BY

JON'S PUB ON SUCH A LOVELY

NIGHT, SUSAN?

>> Jon: YEAH.

DID YOU GET SOME FLOWERS FROM

PETE FONTAINE OR SOMETHING?

>> VERY FUNNY.

>> Jon: I HEARD IT WAS A DOZEN

ROSES.

NOT BAD.

WHAT DID THEY SMELL LIKE --

SEXUAL TENSION?

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

YOU'RE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH HERE,

BUT I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING

VERY CLEAR -- TO EVERYONE!

THERE IS NO SAM-AND-DIANE THING

BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

OUR RELATIONSHIP IS STRICTLY

PROFESSIONAL.

I AM THE HEAD OF THE NETWORK,

ALSO KNOWN AS YOUR BOSS.

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

STOP IT!

AND IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE TO

HAVE A SHOW ON THAT NETWORK, I

SUGGEST YOU GET SOMETHING

STRAIGHT RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

THERE'S NOT ONE OUNCE OF SEXUAL

TENSION BETWEEN YOU AND ME.

>> Jon: OKAY.

MAYBE THERE'S SOME SENSUAL

TENSION.

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

HOW ABOUT A BACK RUB?

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

>> HEY, SUSAN, DON'T FORGET --

FRASIER HAD A SPIN-OFF.

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

[ LATCHES CLICK ]

>> $500,000.

SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE, JUST LIKE

WE AGREED.

WANG CHOS HAD NO IDEA.

>> PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH

YOU.

PLEASURE GETTING JON MONEY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> WHO WAS THAT?

AND WHAT IS THIS?

>> THIS QUARTER-MILLION DOLLARS.

I TRICK WANG CHOS.

WE GET MONEY FOR VODKA COMPANY.

[ MOTOR WHIRS ]

[ Sarcastically ] OH, NO!

WHAT HAPPENED?

THE MONEY -- IT'S FALLING INTO

THE SHREDDER.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

I BET YOU REALLY COULD HAVE USED

THAT MONEY, NOW THAT WE ARE

NON-CRIME FAMILY.

OH, AND ONE MORE THING.

THE FIRST POTATO YOU PUT IN THE

PROCESSOR -- THAT WAS NOT HELEN.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OF COURSE IT WAS HELEN.

[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> THI HELEN!

[ "CHEERS"-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> All: JAY!

>> CHEER UP, JON.

A RELATIONSHIP IS A TRICKY

BEAST.

IT'S HARD TO TAME.

AND DON'T FORGET -- IT DIDN'T

WORK OUT IN THE END FOR THE REAL

SAM AND DIANE.

>> Jon: YEAH, BUT AT LEAST HE

GOT TO PUT HIS SAM UP HER DIANE

A FEW TIMES BEFORE IT ENDED.

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

>> BENEDICT ARNOLD -- 12:00.

>> Jon: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

NONE OF US ARE COLD.

WE DON'T NEED ANY WARMING UP

AROUND HERE.

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

>> I KNOW.

>> Jon: THEN GET OUT.

I FIRED YOU.

>> LOOK, SUSAN TOLD ME THERE'S

NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN THE TWO

OF YOU, ALL RIGHT?

OTHERWISE, I WOULD HAVE NEVER

MADE A MOVE.

IN ANY CASE, WE BROKE UP.

BEING WITH HER JUST...

GOT TO BE TOO ANNOYING.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

>> NO.

NO, SUSAN'S GREAT, OKAY?

S-SHE'S SMART AND SAVVY, AND

SHE'S JUST A SWEETHEART.

IT'S JUST...EVERY TIME WE WERE

TOGETHER, YOUR NAME KEPT COMING

UP.

"JON'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

JON'S SO ANNOYING.

SORRY -- I HAVE TO CANCEL DINNER

PLANS BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO

SET 'CAUSE JON'S BEING A BABY

AGAIN."

>> Jon: BUT YOUR POINT IS THAT

MY NAME KEPT COMING UP.

SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT ME.

>> NO, JON.

I CAME HERE TO SAY [BLEEP] YOU

ON BEHALF OF SUSAN, ALL RIGHT?

ME? ME?

I'M -- I'M GONNA BE FINE.

ALL RIGHT?

I'LL MEET SOMEBODY ELSE.

I-IT'S NOT ME WHO'S HAD HER LOVE

LIFE DESTROYED BECAUSE SHE

CONSTANTLY HAS TO BABYSIT SOME

SELFISH, SMUG, WHINY, PETULANT,

EGOMANIACAL, MAN-CHILD,

DOUCHE-BAG ASSHOLE!

YOU -- YOU DON'T NEED A WARM-UP

GUY FOR YOUR LIFE, JON.

YOU NEED GOD TO COME DOWN FROM

HEAVEN AND APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE

FOR SCREWING UP SO BAD WHEN HE

MADE YOU!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

DO US ALL A FAVOR AND LET THE

MIRMINSKYS KILL YOU ALREADY.

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

[ CANNED LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]