Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] MY NAME'S

JON.

I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM.

THE RUSSIAN MOB WANTS ME DEAD,

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS

MURDERED, BUT, HEY, THIS COOL,

SINGLE DAD'S STILL GOT TO LIVE

LIFE.

OWW!

PREVIOUSLY ON "DELOCATED!"...

>> CRAZY NIGHT, HUH?

>> WHY ARE YOU HERE, TODD BARRY?

WHY DO YOU BOTHER COMING HERE

ALL THE TIME?

>> Jon: IT'S TIME FOR DAVID TO

GROW UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A

BABY!

* TIME, TIME

* TIME TO GET UP

* TIME TO GET UP AND GET OUT OF

BED *

* LET'S GO

* GET UP

* OUT OF BED

>> David: WHAT TIME IS IT?

>> Jon: IT'S 4:00 A.M.

LET'S GO. GET DRESSED.

PACK SOME CLOTHES.

MEET ME IN THE LIVING ROOM.

>> David: FOR WHAT?

>> Jon: RITE OF PASSAGE, SON.

* RITE OF PASSA-A-A-A-A-A-GE!

>> YOU ALL SET?

>> Jon: YEAH, I THINK SO.

GOT A LOT OF SWEET NEW GEAR

HERE.

GOT MY SWEET NEW BOOTS.

GOT MY SWEET NEW JACKET WITH

THE, UH, SWEET NEW PIT ZIPS!

OH, HERE WE GO. THERE HE IS!

>> David: ARE WE GOING CAMPING?

>> Jon: UH, ME AND T.B. ARE

GOING CAMPING.

YOU ARE HEADING OUT TO THE

WILDERNESS TO FEND FOR YOURSELF

AND BECOME A MAN -- EITHER THAT

OR DIE TRYING.

SON, THIS IS SOMETHING MY FATHER

DID TO ME AND HIS FATHER BEFORE

HIM.

NOW YOUR FATHER'S DOING IT TO

YOU.

IT'S A FAMILY TRADISH!

[ SNAPS FINGERS ] COME ON.

SIT UP.

GET UP.

LET'S GO.

PUT THAT ON.

>> David: WHAT IS THIS?

>> Jon: UNTIL YOU CAN PROVE TO

MOTHER NATURE THAT YOU ARE A

MAN, YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A

LITTLE GIRL, AND YOU'RE GONNA

LOOK LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.

>> OH, DEAR.

WHO'S THIS CUTIE PIE?

AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DARLING?

>> David: THIS IS SO STUPID.

>> DAVID, YOU AND JON [SIGHS]

YOU NEED SOME QUALITY,

FATHER/SON TIME -- GETTING AWAY,

BEING TOGETHER IN NATURE.

I THINK THE TWO OF YOU WILL

EMERGE FROM THIS TRIP WITH A --

HAH! -- NEWFOUND BOND.

IF NOTHING ELSE, AT LEAST YOU'LL

COME AWAY FROM THE EXPERIENCE

KNOWING YOU LOOK PRETTY CUTE IN

A WIG.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT

THEN, GUYS, HUH?

COME ON, LET'S GO.

NO MIRMINSKYS, NO CHOS -- JUST A

FATHER, SON, THEIR BODYGUARD,

AND THE GREAT OUTDOORS.

I AM PUMPED!

>> ME TOO.

[BLEEP] IS GONNA GET PRIMAL.

OO-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[ METAL SCRAPING ]

>> [ GIGGLES ]

>> MMM.

[ Baby voice ] I HAVE TO DRAIN

THE BINKY.

>> OH.

>> I GOT TO GO WEE-WEE.

>> OH.

>> FROM MY BINKY.

>> BABY-WABY.

>> I'LL BE RIGHT BACKY.

>> OKAY.

>> YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH

TODD BARRY.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT OTHER

CLIENTS.

>> STOP!

SAME MONEY IF I SEE 100 MEN OR

ONE MAN 100 TIMES.

MAYBE SERGEI IS JEALOUS?

>> JEALOUS?

OF TODD BARRY'S BINKY?

>> IT'S VERY NICE BINKY.

SERGEI, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE TO

MAKE ME YOUR WIFE -- AND YOU

SAID NO.

I KNOW YOU STILL LOVE ME.

YOU'RE TOO PROUD TO SAY SO.

>> SVETLANA...

[ LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> YEAH.

YEP.

PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?

IT'S CALLED "LOVE THEME

FOR SVETLANA."

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

I MADE IT IN GarageBand THIS

MORNING -- TOOK ME 10 MINUTES.

NOW, AS YOU GUYS KNOW, SVETLANA

AND I HAVE BEEN SPENDING A LOT

OF TIME TOGETHER.

AT FIRST, IT WAS ME JUST PAYING

FOR SEX AND BLOW JOBS, BUT AT

SOME POINT, I REALIZED IT WAS

MORE THAN THAT.

IT WAS ME PAYING FOR SEX,

BLOW JOBS...AND LOVE.

>> AWW.

>> SO, WHO DO I HAVE TO ASK TO

MARRY THIS YOUNG WOMAN, HUH?

IS SHE A MIRMINSKY?

>> SHE'S HAD SO MANY MIRMINSKYS

INSIDE OF HER, SHE MIGHT AS WELL

BE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> SO, WITH YOUR BLESSING, I'D

LOVE TO MARRY ONE OF YOUR

WHORES -- THAT ONE.

>> SAY YES, DUMMY.

>> Y-YES. SURE. YES. WHATEVER.

>> APPRECIATE IT.

SVETLANA, YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT

TO HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?

>> MM-HMM.

>> THEY'RE STUPID.

THEY SMELL.

THEY'RE DISGUSTING.

THEY EAT UP A LOT OF YOUR TIME.

SEEMS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

BUT I WANT TO PROVIDE FOR YOU...

FOREVER.

MARRY ME?

>> YES.

TODD BARRY, I WILL MARRY YOU.

>> [ LAUGHS ] OH!

[ APPLAUSE ]

DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO

GET MARRIED?

>> UH, YES. YES.

YES, IT DOES. YES.

>> [ SCREAMING ]

>> Jon: DAVID, TIME TO SEND YOU

OUT TO THE WOODS, SPEND THE

NIGHT ALONE.

24 HOURS OF PURE SURVIVAL.

YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT YOUR

SKA MITZVAH.

NOW YOU BECOME A REAL MAN.

THIS IS YOUR OVERNIGHT MAN SACK.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED IS RIGHT

INSIDE -- ONE COMPASS, ONE

CANTEEN, ONE WATER-PURIFICATION

TABLET, ONE MATCH.

REST IS UP TO YOU.

COME BACK A MAN, WE'LL TAKE OFF

THAT WIG.

GOOD LUCK.

>> David: SERIOUSLY?

>> Jon: GO GIT!

GIT!

>> David: THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

>> Jon: [ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]

GIT!

[ SINGING CONTINUES ]

WANT SOME ADVICE?

DON'T DIE!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CLAPS HANDS ] ALL RIGHT.

* FUN TIME BEGINS

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT TO TAKE A WHIZ.

OH, YEAH, THIS IS GORGEOUS --

GORGEOUS SPOT FOR A PISS.

[ LAUGHS ] OW!

WHOA!

[ THUD ]

OH, GOD!

OH!

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: OH, MY --

[ Groaning ] OH-HO-HO!

>> HOLD ON. WHAT HAPPENED?

>> Jon: OH, I THINK I BROKE MY

LEG.

>> GEEZ, LET ME SEE.

LET ME SEE. LET ME SEE.

>> Jon: [ GROANS ] NO. OW!

>> RELAX.

>> Jon: [ GROANING ]

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, IT'S NOT

BROKEN -- JUST A BAD SPRAIN.

>> Jon: AH! HOW DO YOU KNOW?

>> YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BEND

IT AT ALL.

>> Jon: [ GROANS ] NO.

YOU'RE WRONG. IT'S BROKEN.

>> [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT, THERE

WAS A RANGERS' STATION A COUPLE

OF MILES BACK.

ONE OF YOU CAMERA CREW, STAY

HERE WITH JON TILL I GET BACK.

THE OTHER ONE, COME WITH ME.

>> Jon: DON'T LEAVE ME!

MY LEG'S BROKEN!

>> IT'S NOT BROKEN.

IT'S JUST SPRAINED.

WHAT A BABY.

>> Jon: OHH.

OKAY, YOU TWO HAVE A RACE.

READY?

MARK, SET, GO!

[ IMITATES ENGINE REVVING ]

IT'S A TIE.

>> DON'T [BLEEP] MOVE!

WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL DOING UP

HERE?

HUH?

>> Jon: WE'RE JUST, UH -- WE --

WE'RE RECORDING SOMETHING FOR --

>> SHUT UP!

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> Y'ALL ARE GONNA HAVE TO COME

WITH US.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

THE IDEA OF A WYOMING PIZZA

DOESN'T SOUND VERY APPETIZING

TO ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T THINK ANYONE GOES, "HEY,

YOU'D BE CRAZY TO NOT TRY THE

PIZZA WHEN YOU'RE IN

JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

>> [ SOBBING ]

>> MAN, I GOT TO ASK YOU, WHAT

IS THERE TO DO IN THIS AWFUL

PLACE YOU GUYS LIVE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> [ SOBBING INTENSIFIES ]

>> WHERE, UH -- WHERE SHOULD I

GO IN YELLOWSTONE?

WHAT GOES ON THERE, AND WHAT ARE

SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS?

>> OLD FAITHFUL.

>> "OLD FAITHFUL"?

NEVER HEARD OF IT.

>> [ SCREAMING AND SOBBING ]

[ SOBBING ]

>> RIGHT DOWN HERE BY THE CREEK.

JON, WE'RE ON OUR WAY!

HOLD ON.

THIS IS WHERE I LEFT HIM.

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

TWO SETS OF FOOTPRINTS.

JON WAS ABDUCTED.

HERE'S THE DIRECT NUMBER TO THE

HEAD OF THE FBI.

TELL HIM JON FROM "DELOCATED!"

IS MISSING.

I NEED TWO BLACK HAWKS AND

20 S.E.A.L.s ASAP.

NOW GO!

NOBODY'S COMING.

I GAVE THEM A FAKE NUMBER.

I WORK BETTER ALONE --

RAMBO-STYLE.

OO-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

>> Jon: [ Mumbling ] OKAY, COOL.

WHERE WE GOING?

[ MUMBLING ]

[ THUD ]

OH!

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: [ COUGHS ]

>> WELL, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S

FINALLY WAKING UP.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: [ COUGHS ]

WHERE AM I?

>> YOU'RE A GUEST IN OUR HOME.

>> WHICH IS ALSO OUR

HEADQUARTERS.

WE'RE PART OF A MILITIA GROUP

CALLED "FREEDOM NOW."

WE TORTURED YOUR CAMERAMAN!

AND HE TOLD US EVERYTHING --

TOLD US ABOUT HOW YOU LIVE IN

JEWISH YORK CITY.

>> Jon: WAIT, DID HE CALL IT

JEWISH YORK CITY, OR HE CALLED

IT NEW YORK AND YOU CALLED IT

JEWISH --

>> WHAT'S THE [BLEEP]

DIFFERENCE?!

>> Jon: 'CAUSE I'LL BE VERY

UPSET WITH YOU IF YOU CALLED IT

JEWISH YORK, CRAIG!

>> LOOK, WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THE

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

WE KNOW ABOUT YOUR SON, DAVID,

AND YOUR GOVERNMENT AGENT.

>> WE ALSO KNOW ABOUT YOUR CABLE

REALITY SHOW.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH?

I CAN GET YOU GUYS A HEAD SHOT

FOR YOUR WALL.

>> GUESS WHAT, MR. TV STAR!

WE'RE GONNA USE YOU AND YOUR

CELEBRITY TO BUILD OUR MILITIA.

AND THEN...

YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.

[ SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ CROWD MURMURS ]

>> BEFORE WE BEGIN, IS THERE

ANYONE PRESENT HERE TODAY WHO

KNOWS OF ANY REASON WHY THESE

TWO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SHOULD NOT

BE JOINED IN HOLY MATRIMONY?

SPEAK NOW, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR

PEACE.

>> I DO!

[ CROWD GASPS ]

[ SCREAMING IN CHINESE ]

[ SOBBING ]

>> I'M SORRY. I NEED A MINUTE.

IT'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

I APOLOGIZE.

I'M SORRY.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME!

YOU SAY YOU MARRY ME!

[ SOBS ]

>> MARRY YOU? I --

THAT'S SOME CUTE, LITTLE THING I

SAY AFTER I BLOW MY LOAD.

>> YOU LOVE THAT RUSSIAN WHORE?!

>> YES, I DO.

>> YOU DON'T LOVE ME?

>> I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HAVING PAID

SEX WITH YOU, BUT...

NO, I DON'T LOVE YOU.

YINGTAI, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY, BUT, PLEASE, JUST --

I HAVE TO GET BACK INSIDE.

OKAY?

I'M SORRY.

[ GUN COCKS ]

DON'T.

>> ACTION!

>> Jon: GREETINGS, AMERICAN

CITIZENS, PATRIOTS, AND MILITIA

MEMBERS.

THE GOVERNMENT SPY READING THIS

MESSAGE TRIED TO INFILTRATE OUR

HEADQUARTERS.

HE FAILED.

LET THIS SERVE AS A WARNING TO

ANY GOV--

>> JON!

JON!

>> Jon: T.B.!

T.B., I'M IN HERE!

>> HONEY, THIS IS IT.

THIS IS THE DAY WE'VE PREPARED

FOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

>> Jon: T.B., I'M IN HERE!

HURRY UP!

[ GUN COCKS ]

HURRY, T.B.!

>> SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP, DUDE!

>> SWALLOW IT!

>> Jon: MNH-MNH.

[ GUN COCKS ]

[ GULPS ]

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

>> SUICIDE PILL.

>> Jon: [ GAGGING ]

>> WE'RE ALL GOING DOWN

TOGETHER!

>> Jon: [ GAGGING ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

>> SOME PEOPLE CALL IT

OCCUPY WALL STREET.

I CALL IT OCCUPY VODKA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM...

UM, ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

ABOUT COLLEGE IS, UH, GETTING TO

KNOW PEOPLE AND STAYING UP LATE,

AND, UH -- BUT I WISH THAT MY

COLLEGE WAS CALLED VODKA!

>> WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?

>> TODD BARRY IS GONE.

>> WHAT?

NO ONE DISRESPECTS YOU LIKE

THIS.

>> WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?

COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU --

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> GO IN.

>> TAKE CLOTHES OFF.

>> TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF?

>> MM-HMM.

[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE S--

>> [ SPEAKING CHINESE ]

>> I DON'T SPEAK CHINESE.

>> YOU'RE ABOUT TO.

OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN,

TODD BARRY!

>> OKAY, T.B.

YOU COULD EITHER LOSE YOUR JOB

'CAUSE JON DIED, OR YOU'LL BE IN

THE WHITE HOUSE NEXT WEEK HAILED

AS A HERO.

BUT LET'S STOP TALKING ABOUT IT,

AND BE ABOUT IT.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

[ PRIMAL YELL ]

[ MUFFLED LAUGHTER ]

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON IN

HERE?

>> Jon: SUICIDE PILL TURNED OUT

TO BE ECSTASY.

>> OH, GOD.

>> Jon: YOU WANT TO GET IN ON

THIS, T.B.?

>> NO, I'LL BE OUTSIDE.

>> Jon: YOU SURE, MAN?

>> YEAH, I'M GOOD.

>> Jon: IT'S AWESOME UNDER HERE.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING BACK IN, T.B.

>> [ MUFFLED YELLING ]

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> OH.

>> Jon: YEAH.

[ MOANING, LAUGHTER ]

>> [ Groaning ] AAH! THAT HURTS!

>> [ Grunting ] TAKE THAT,

TODD BARRY!

UNH! OH, YOU LIKE IT?

>> Both: [ MOANING, GRUNTING ]

>> OWWWWWWWWWWW!

>> TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT!

>> STOP! STOP! OHH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I DRINK VODKA, SO I NEVER GET

WHISKEY PENIS.

I ALWAYS GET VODKA CHUBBY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I HAVE MUCH RESPECT FOR ASIAN

WHORE'S HUMILIATION TECHNIQUE.

>> OKAY, I GET THAT, BUT,

PLEASE, DON'T TELL ANYONE, ALL

RIGHT?

'CAUSE I...

[ MUFFLED APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T NEED, LIKE, A FAN

APPROACHING ME ON THE STREET FOR

AN AUTOGRAPH AND THEN HE'S LIKE,

"OH, BY THE WAY, I HEARD YOU GOT

RAPED BY A PROSTITUTE," YOU

KNOW?

I-I DON'T WANT THAT.

>> TELL YOU WHAT, TODD BARRY --

YOU CALL OFF WEDDING WITH

SVETLANA...

I JUST MIGHT KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I ALSO -- 'CAUSE I DRINK

VODKA -- I DON'T HAVE A

SIX-PACK, BUT I DO HAVE AN EMPTY

BOTTLE OF VODKA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I...

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> I'M SORRY, SVETLANA.

I-I-I CAN'T DO THIS.

I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR MARRIAGE.

IT'S JUST NOT MY THING.

I MEAN, I-I'VE LOVED WHEN WE'VE

HAD PAID SEX, AND I'D LOVE TO

HAVE MORE PAID SEX...

IF YOU'LL HAVE ME.

>> I DO.

>> All: AWW.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU WHORE AND

TODD.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]

>> David: DAD!

>> Jon: OH, RIGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ] DAVID, I-I-I FORGOT

YOU WERE OUT THERE.

[ CONTROLLERS CLICKING ]

>> David: YEAH.

YEAH, I MANAGED TO HIKE THROUGH

THE WOODS AND, YOU KNOW, FIND

THE MAIN ROAD AND ACTUALLY

HITCHHIKE MY WAY HOME.

SORRY, I-I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE

CALLED YOU.

>> Jon: NO, IT'S OKAY.

YOU -- YOU FIGURED OUT A WAY TO

SURVIVE.

PROUD OF YOU.

>> David: THANKS.

>> Jon: I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER.

WILL. PHIL.

>> David: WHAT'S UP WITH HIM?

>> LET'S JUST SAY HE TOOK PART

IN A MOTHER NATURE SURVIVAL

CHALLENGE OF HIS OWN.

YOUR FATHER LOOKED DEATH SQUARE

IN THE FACE...

AND WON.

>> David: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED

TO MEAN?

>> HE BUTT[BLEEP] AN OLD COUPLE.

WILL. PHIL.

>> YOU TELL ME AGAIN HOW YOU

SODOMIZED TODD BARRY.

>> I SMACK HIM.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> HARDER, HARDER, HARDER,

HARDER, HARDER, HARDER.

>> HE CRY?

>> HE CRY HARD.

>> HOW HE CRY?

>> [ WHIMPERING ]

>> THAT FUNNY.