All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S08E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
I loved a good mystery,

whether it was UFOs
or who shot J.R.,

the Bermuda Triangle,
or what was in New Coke.

So it was no mystery
that I loved the movie Clue.

I was so obsessed, I even took
my own mom to go see it.

I loved it.

Was it the mystery?

The crime most foul?
The snooty butler?

It was the swanky party.
Wha?

All those people
dressed to the nines

and eating fancy foods
and discussing nonsense.

That is my dream.

But I think the nonsense
they were discussing
was a murder of a colleague.

How fun would that be,

solving the brutal stabbing
of a good friend?

I guess you could
throw your own
murder-mystery party.

Yes! And it'll be
the social event of the year

and every year
after that until I die

and my friends gather
to solve that crime.

I'll script
the whole thing!

It'll be a night
full of danger,

dialogue, and distrust!

Can you guys keep it down?
I'm watching Dukes of Hazzard.

Dad, we're planning
a murder-mystery party.
It's gonna be fun.

Fun? N-No thank you.

Look at me.
We're doing this.

Look at me.
Over my dead body.

Yes! He can be
the dead body.

Sounds like
too much work.

This is the perfect
amount of work for you.

You just have to exist.

'Cause movement of any kind
is a deal breaker.

I'll murder you quick.
I promise.

Fine.
Yay! Murray's kinda in.

A Goldbergs
murder-mystery party.

How have we
not done this?

Yay!

** I'm twisted up inside

** But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

** I don't know the future

** But the past keeps getting
clearer every day **

ADULT ADAM:
It was January 13th,
1980-something,

and Erica was about to get
a major reality check.

Ms. Goldberg.
(SIGHS)
Any idea why

I've called you
into the dean's office?

You want to put me
on your famous list?

Is there, like, a cash prize,

or is it just something

worthless like honor?

Weirdly, the Dean's List
is not generated by the dean

but a provost...

Can we just get to it?

I have a puppetry
class in ten.

Well, that's why
we're here.

It seems you haven't
declared a major yet.

But I'm only a sophomore.

Can't I just keep
sampling classes

until something
strikes my fancy?

That depends.
Are you a member

of the well-heeled
patrician class

where money is no object?

My dad's had the same
three pairs of pants

since I've known him,
so not so much.

Well, I think
you should pick now.

Your major affects
your internships,

which turn into jobs,
which turn into a good life.

(CHUCKLES) Or not.

Some people
are just unhappy.

Are you
one of those people?

My depression is seasonal.

Okay, go.
(CHUCKLES)

Pick a major!

Hey, oceanography.

Bing, bang, boom.

My life path is settled!

But you hate the ocean.

You said it's God's toilet.

Fair.

Computer science.

Hello, future. It's me, Erica.
Let's do this.

You're really gonna
program computers?

Is that what that means?

Damn it!
Why is this so hard?

I mean, who actually knows

what they want to do
with their life at this age?

This handsome devil
right here.

Barry, I don't wanna hear it.

So you are aware

that I'm a bio major

with a pre-med
concentration...

Oh, you're gonna
be a doctor?

I got worried because

you hadn't said it
in six seconds.

How dare you?
I have never mentioned

my career
in the life-saving arts.

I shall be a doctor.

Doctor.
Doctor.

Brain doctor.
Doctor.

Doctor.
Doctor.

Doctor.
Doctor.

Doctor Tasty's
ready to save lives.

No one cares.
Dr. Milgrom does.

He gave me an internship
this summer.

Well, have fun
mopping up bodily fluids

while Geoff and I
hit the beach.

Uh, actually,
I'm interning, too.

What? But you're a freshman!

You seem upset.
I'll just cancel it.

Point is,
"Undeclared-ica,"

you either know what you want
to do with your life, me,

or you float around
like a turd in a toilet, you.

I'm not a turd.
(CHUCKLES)

Said the turd.

Don't listen to him, babe.

You're not a turd.
Turds can't talk.

When you defend me,
it's worse.

It was a tough area.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
was spinning out,

our murder-mystery party
was revving up.

Places, everyone!

The suspects
are arriving soon.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Is there anything better
than opening night?

Yes, the end of the night,

when we close the door.

Dad, where's
the rest of your costume?

I came up with some new

backstory for my character.

He doesn't care.

But I do.

Put some cloth between
my eyes and that.

I don't take notes.

Murray, your murder kicks off
the entire night.

Put these on now.

What I do
for you people.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi. We're here
for the murder.

Ha! That's not something
people say.

Good evening.

Bitterfrost the Butler
at your service, sir.

And so cute
in your little-boy tuxedo,

just like Fred Savage
at the Emmys.

I know not
of what you speak, ma'am.

I was born
to a scullery maid.

Ooh! He is not
breaking character.

So fun!
And possibly annoying.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Madame Topaz,
an elegant Parisian

with impeccable class
and dignity.

Murray, put your
(BLEEP) pants on!

(DOORBELL RINGS)
We're here.

I brought
mushroom caps.

I'm Lady Alabaster.

And I'm Kitchen Helper
Number One. No name given.

Well, remember, Essie,
it's better for the help
to be seen and not heard.

You invited me.

Oh.
(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello, new friends.
I'm John Glascott.

I hate to come
empty-handed,

so please enjoy
these homemade crab cakes.

Fun!

The secret is
to only use claw.

(CHUCKLES)

You invited
my guidance counselor?

I ran into him
at the market.

He saw all the alcohol
in my basket

and asked if
we were having a party.

So? Tell him
you're an alcoholic!

He'd believe it
with kids like us!

Sorry to interrupt,
Boy Butler,

but I'm not familiar with
murder-mystery parties.

What the hell
is all this?

We would like
all our guests

to please refer
to their dossiers.

"Captain Eggnog.

"A war profiteer
with a monocle and pipe."

I-I didn't have
any of that stuff.

I'm Mr. Pistachio,
"a career diplomat

"who should wear
a green blazer
if you have it."

(CHUCKLES)
Well, lucky for you,
this is one of nine.

I'm Miss Cabernet,

"a bombshell babe
in a yowza dress."

(CHUCKLES)
How flattering.

And accurate.

Wait. Adam,
did you write that?

Assigned randomly.

I'm Linda
the housekeeper.

And that's my name.

And I am "foreign"?

That's it?
To the dining room!

ADULT ADAM: While our
murder-mystery party
was getting under way,

Erica felt underwater
picking a major.

I want to thank you
for this lovely spread

of loose jelly beans
and sink water.

Hey, you're
my number-one grandpa.

And I need your help
choosing a college major.

Honey, I get it.
It's a big decision.

Maybe art history?

Damn it!
Why was that so easy
for stupid Barry?

He gets to be a doctor
who makes a crap-ton of money

and drives a convertible
with vanity plates
that say "Dr. Big Tasty."

You shouldn't compare
yourself to Barry.

You two are very different!

Yeah, he's gonna live
in an apartment over the park

while I'm stuck
in an equally
luxurious place

because my husband's a doctor,
but it's not the same.

Look, hon, you can do
anything you want

if you put your mind to it.

Maybe art history?

You're right.
I could totally
be a doctor, too.

But until this moment,

you never once expressed
an interest in medicine.

Oh, thank you, Pops.

It might be time to stop
emotionally investing
in my grandchildren.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
my sister had made up
her mind.

She was gonna be a doctor.
Which was news to Barry.

Goldberg?
Here.

Also here.
Erica?

Surprise, I'm gonna
be a doctor, too.

What?
No, you're not.

There's only one
Dr. Goldberg

in this class
and on the planet.

Oh, you really
don't have a grasp

of who makes up
the medical community.

But you should be happy.

We're going on
this journey together!

You're not a doctor!

At best, you're one of those
pharmaceutical reps

who pushes allergy meds
in a pencil skirt!

Whatever. This isn't
about you anyway.

It's about me
helping gross, sick people

and having
a dope-ass beeper.

But what kind of doctor
would you even be?

Obviously not the kind

that deals
with your downstairs
or backside business.

And nothing
with the mouth or ears.

And, of course, the middle
is off the table.

That's the entire body.

I didn't rule out shins.

I'll be a "shin-ologist."
Look at me go.

Welcome to human anatomy.
Look around.

Half of you will fail,

a quarter will go on
to med school,

and one will kill a man
through gross malpractice.

She's talking about you.

Hey, malpractice
makes "malperfect."

ADULT ADAM: It was game on
between Erica and Barry.

Meanwhile, our murder-mystery
party was taking off.

Oh, oh, oh.
That's crab, Billy.

You're highly allergic.

Blazes. I love that
sweet sea meat,

but I love breathing more.
Good catch, babe.

One clam almost
ruined our whole trip
to Myrtle Beach.

That was a nasty rash.

Oh, I've been there.
(CHUCKLES)

Myrtle Beach,
not the rash business.

I love poppin' off my top.
Oh.

Salty air on my flesh

while I proudly
strut down the boardwalk.

(CHUCKLES)

Again, I'm John.

Ooh, try my
mushroom caps, Bill.

Try 'em. No seafood.

And if you're allergic
to flavor, you're still okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

are you aware
of the bond you share tonight?

We're all open
to new friendships?

Uh-uh. You are all
about to embark

on a two-hour grand mystery
full of scripted twists
and turns, ending in...

Murder!
(ALL GASPING, EXCLAIMING)

Murder!
Your weapons are served.

Speaking of, did, uh,
Bill kill me yet?

Murray!
I'm sorry.

Has Dr. Prune killed me?

No, you just
blew the ending!

Well, maybe
nobody heard me.

I've heard every sound that's
come out of your body tonight.

It's okay.
We still don't know

where Dr. Prune killed him
or with what.

There ya go. We'll just
forget the basement
and pick a new spot.

Stop talking!
Yeah, don't even need
to use the ice skate.

Oh, my God!

So it was Dr. Prune
in the basement
with the ice skate.

Well, that was a fun evening.
Can I drop anyone off?

Sure.

Damn it to hell, Murray!

All you had to do
was lay there and play dead,

but instead,
you ruined the night!

All right, I-I'm sorry.

Wait. I can fix it!
He can fix it.

ADULT ADAM: Yep.
All I had to do

was rewrite
my entire mystery
from scratch.

Just got to boot this up.
(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Takes a few seconds.
Or minutes.

Yes! Okay, just need
to pop in the old diskette.

Yeah, this wasn't happening
anytime soon.

Oop. This one's full.
Let me find a fresh one!

(ALL GASP, SCREAM)
(GLASS SHATTERS)

(GROANS)
No!

There's crab cake
in this mushroom cap!

Stand back!
I'm an ophthalmologist!

Anybody else? Preferably not
a guy who sells Ray-Bans.

(GROANS)

Oh, it passed.

Now it's just mild discomfort,
but what a ride.

You know what this means?

Someone in this house
is a murderer.

But I'm still alive.

Attempted murderer.

It's just
a scratchy throat.

Well, somebody's
guilty of something.

The mystery's back on!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Great! 'Cause this thing
is still warming up.

ADULT ADAM: Bill Lewis
was crabbed!

My mom's big
murder-mystery party

had gotten something
even better...
A real almost murder.

Can you believe it?

Someone tried to kill Bill.
This is the best!

Not for Bill!

He's still a little splotchy
around the tummy and neck.

Only the woman
that loves me

would want to study
my nooks and crannies.

Or maybe it's an act
to throw us off her scent.

Clearly, Dolores crabbed you

to collect on your
ample life insurance.

Please.
She's the breadwinner.

If anything,
I'd crab her.
Aw!

Not to rain
on this strange parade,

but maybe my good friend Bill

grabbed a crab cake
by mistake.

That makes sense,
except for the friend part.

I haven't said
two words to you.

Well, now you have.

Get on in here.
I'm a hugger.

Not so fast on that hug!

You're the one who brought
the deadly shellfish.

But I wouldn't hurt
a soul.

You did crack open those crabs
and rip their legs off.

Sure, but they're
ugly bottom-feeders.

They don't have souls.
They don't feel love.

There is no crab heaven.

Well, I'm in crab heaven.

Was there a sauce
that came with these?

What about Lou? We all saw
the way he ogled Dolores
in her Miss Cabernet dress.

Lou? Is that true?

She's a handsome lady.
I enjoy her shape.

This night has been great
for my self-esteem.

But would someone
really kill Mr. Lewis

over his new bride's
athletic frame?

Well, on that note,
I'm leaving.

Why? Are you running
from something?

Perhaps a murder?

Please.

What reason would I have
to gently crab Bill?

I don't know. Perhaps
you've had it out for him

ever since he installed
that hideous tile
in your powder room.

(GASPS) It's not hideous!

It's terracotta!
Everyone loves terracotta!

They really don't.
It's a trash tile.

You've gone too far.

Wait! "U R NEX."

An ominous
and unfinished warning!

Well, it couldn't
have been Ginzy.

She'd never ruin
her own crappy coat.

Then who's the criminal
mastermind?

(THUNDER CRASHES)

****

ADULT ADAM: While
our plot thickened,

Erica was
in the thick of studying.

Why would anyone
need to know

all eleven bones
in the human foot?

They wouldn't, dum-dum.
There's twenty-six.

Oh, really?
And you can name them?

Every metatarsal.

See, I write raps
to help the material stick.

Please don't rap.
And he's rapping.

(RAPPING)
** Yo, the human foot, yeah
It's full of bones

** You got the helix
The tarsal
And the hammer toe

** Ya stand on your foot
And it don't give out

** The bones of the foot's
What I'm all about **

Don't get a bunion, y'all!

Wow. Both dumb
and useless.

Okay, please, let's all
just try to remember

that we're friends
and family

and we should support
each other.

Opposite. I will dominate
and embarrass her

into not only
not becoming a doctor

but never seeking medical
attention in her life.

Well, when I become a doc,
I'll name a skin disease
after you.

"I'm sorry, ma'am,
you have Barry-tigo.

"It's hideous
and incurable."

When you fail,
I will make you my nurse.

Why would she take a job
as your nurse?

It's the only job in medicine
she'll be able to get.

I'm off to rap-study.

That's not a thing.

We shall see when
I use all twenty-six

bones in my foot
to defeat you.

Hi-yah! Doctor kick.

Um, I'm not sure
what a doctor kick is,

but you should probably
study harder.

Oh, believe me, I will.

I will.

C-plus? Crappity,
crap, crap, crap!

"A," baby!

(CHUCKLES)
Nice work, Mr. Goldberg!

Thank you. Your teaching
literally saves lives.

Excuse me, Professor?
I think you messed up.

See, there was a bunch
of stuff on the test
I didn't know,

so what are you gonna do
to correct this?

I do have one idea.
For next week's lab,

I'm gonna pair you
with a stronger student.

Your brother.
What? No.

Oh, yes, and I have
so much to teach you.

There you go.

Lesson one.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Write that down.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
couldn't have felt smaller,

the criminal mastermind
remained at large.

Okay,
here's what we know.

Bill was crabbed
in the den,

and Ginzy's
beautiful coat...
(IMITATES BUZZER)

...was bedazzled
in the foyer.

And every guest had
the time of their life!

I did it! I'm the Jackie O.
of Jenkintown!

This fake murder thing
still happening?

No thanks to you,
but the evening has taken
a welcome turn.

There's a monster
among us.

Monster.
Wait a second.

That's it.
Beverly did it!
(THUNDER CRASHES)

Essie, I swear to God,
if we ever do this again,
you're eating in the kitchen.

Think about it.
Who among us benefits the most
from this evening continuing?

Beverly.

You were probably jealous
that Dolores showed you up
in that smokin' dress.

Okay, wait a minute.
You really think I did this?

You did desperately
want the night to work out.

And when it didn't,
you poisoned me?

And ruined my coat.

Bedazzling is one of your
signature activities.

You all think I did it?
Definitely!

It makes sense.
Hey, after this,

who wants to go to Dairy Queen
for Blizzards and gossip?

Dad, they're turning
on your wife.

Hey, just want to say
thanks for coming,

and this'll count
as my goodbye

so I don't have to say it
individually.

To the DQ!
(THUNDER CRASHES)

Murray, this is
all your fault.
Me? What did I do?

You gave away
the entire fake mystery

and didn't participate
in the real one.

And for some reason,
you took a bath
and put a robe on.

What was I supposed to do?

Anything.

This night
meant a lot to me.

We haven't had
a dinner party
in a long time,

and I thought it would be
a fun, new tradition,

but shame on me
for thinking

that you would want to be
a part of something.

As I leave, I should mention
that your robe is ajar.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom's
night was ruined,

Erica was jumping in with
both feet... Or at least one.

In front of each station
is a real human foot.

You and your partner
will be dissecting it

and identifying the bones,
muscles, and tendons.

Good luck.

Okay. Here's how
this is gonna go.

You do nothing, and we both
get the "A" I deserve.

No way.
I got this. I'm ready.

(SIGHS)

Whoa. That's, like,
the real thing.

So lithe and elegant.

Probably a ballerina.

Don't make it a person.

(RETCHES) Oh, God.
That's the inside of a foot.

Okay, just back off.
It's not my fault

you don't know
what you want to do
with your life.

Of course I know.
I want to be

(RETCHING) a-a doc...
A doc...

Toes. There's so many toes.

You can't even say
"doctor"? Pathetic.

That's because I don't say,
I do! Now gimme the foot!

No, stop! You're making
the foot dance!

It's hilarious,
but not the time!

(GRUNTS) Aah!

Aah! The foot touched my foot!

No, don't kick it!
Just pick it up, pick it up!

I'll just cover it
with this bucket.

No, it's not a spider!
It's a dead lady's kicker!

Okay. There.
Step away from the foot.

Both of you
leave my class now,
and don't come back.

You did this.

It's one thing
to be competitive,

but it's another to ruin
the one thing I always wanted.

Thanks a lot, Erica.

ADULT ADAM: My mom's
murder-mystery party
had gone bust,

but every good murder mystery
has a twist.

Everyone, stop!

I figured out who crabbed Bill
and bedazzled Ginzy!

Adam, it's over.

Not yet. You're all gonna
want to see this.

Our criminal mastermind is...

Me?
What are you talking about?
I don't do things.

And yet you did.

(AS BUTLER) In order to help
you understand what happened,

I shall need to take you
through the events
of the evening step by step.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) First,
everyone showed up,

and Mrs. Schwartz
was hurtful when she said,

(IMITATING LINDA)
"You look like Fred Savage
at the Emmys."

I don't think I said it
like that.

And Mr. Lewis was all,

(IMITATING BILL)
"Jimminy Criminy!
We're here for the murder!"

Kid's a regular
Rich Little.

Then Virginia arrived
with her deadly mushroom cups.

They weren't deadly.
They were a hit.

Well, I think
the whole evening
was delicious.

Just to reiterate,
my first name is John.

Then Dad ruined
the game 'cause he wasn't
paying attention.

No one could tell,
but he felt bad!

Your father
doesn't feel regret.

Or shame or modesty
or common social decency.

Not typically, but tonight,
he wanted to fix things
and didn't know how.

He did know
Bill had a mild allergy,

so he killed the lights...

(ALL GASP, EXCLAIM)

...and smashed a light bulb

for dramatic effect!
(GLASS SHATTERS)

Under cover of darkness,
he grabbed a crab cake

and jammed it
into a mushroom cap.

Bill took a bite
and went down.

(GROANS)

I suppose
that makes some sense,
but what about my coat?

Simple.
While we were all
busy bickering...

"Your tile's hideous."
"There's no crab heaven."

"I enjoy her shape"...

That gave Dad time
to find the closest thing
he could to a weapon...

Mom's bedazzling gun.

(GASPS) Murray.

Is that true?

What gave me away?
(THUNDER CRASHES)

The mid-party bath.

You were so overheated
by frolicking amok,

committing heinous acts,
you had to cool
your body down.

Murray, you could've
seriously hurt Bill.

Nah, I saw him accidentally
eat some popcorn shrimp
at a Sixers game.

I figured it was worth it.

For fun like that,
you can play fast and loose
with my life anytime.

Wait. Y-You all
had a good time?

Big time.
So much.

I need all your numbers.
My coat is still ruined.

But why?
Why did you do this?

I guess I just felt bad
that I screwed up
your big night.

That is the sweetest thing
you have ever done for me.

Really?

(WRECKLESS ERIC'S
WHOLE WIDE WORLD PLAYING)

ADULT ADAM:
For the ones you love,

you got to step out
of your comfort zone,

even when all you can do
is own up to your mistakes.

You okay, kiddo?

No.

I screwed up college again.

I'm not pre-med.
I'm not pre-anything.

Mm. That's okay.

You'll figure it out.

What if I don't?

I already went down
one wrong path with music.

What if it happens again?

It might.

Well, that's not
comforting at all.

Life's full
of a million paths.

I'm still trying out
new ones myself.

Really?

Sure.

Your major doesn't matter.

What matters
is your passion,

and that, you got tons of.

I guess.

I know.

And you should probably
use some of it

to fix what happened
with your brother.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,

Erica realized
what Pops had been
trying to say all along.

There was one way
only she could help Barry.

Please.
I need this class.

Mr. Goldberg,
I've made up my mind.

Reconsider.
I'm sorry?

Exhibit A,
Barry's last test...

The highest grade
in the entire class.

Exhibit B,
a letter from Dr. Milgrom

certifying Barry's internship
this summer.

And Exhibit C,
Barry's time card

from Abbington Memorial,
where he volunteers.

What's your point?
My point is,

Barry's always wanted
to be a doctor,

and he's gonna be
a damn good one.

Are you really gonna
take his future from him
because of my screw-up?

Wow. You advocated
for your brother

better than he could
for himself.

I wrote an apology rap.

Yeah, which I don't
want to hear again.

You're back in.
Now please leave.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out
the best way to figure out
what's right for you

is by seeing strengths
in others.

Erica, wait.

Thank you.

It's the least I could do,

since I almost
ruined your life
over a severed foot.

Well, I appreciate it.

Did you ever consider
being a lawyer?

Not really.

Well, you should,
because you were really
impressive back there.

I kind of was, wasn't I?

Truly.

And whatever it is
you do decide to do,

I-I know you'll be
awesome at it.

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes,
life can be one giant mystery,

and it's not easy to solve,

but you might be surprised
where you end up,

like being clued in to your
loved one's favorite movie,

or even pursuing
a path in life
you hadn't considered.

In the end, if you keep
exploring your passion

and following your gut,
one thing becomes clear...

You'll find yourself exactly
where you should be,

ready to take on
the whole, wide world.

** Yeah! **

(BELL DINGS)

(BELL DINGS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

GLASCOTT: There he is!

My murder-mystery buddy!

We fraternize
outside these walls.

(LAUGHTER)
Please keep it down.

I already have
a precarious social dynamic

that doesn't need
"teacher's friend"

added to the mix.

So, did anyone ask about me?

Um, Ginzy? Lou?

That sassy Bill?

I haven't spoken
to my parents' friends

about anything because
I'm in high school

and they're old.

Good times.

So, when is the next evening

of merriment and laughter?

I'm just gonna write down
Mrs. Kremp's phone number

because it's
the only one I know.

Finally. (CHUCKLES)

867-5...

Eh, this is from a song!