All language subtitles for The.Escape.Artist.1982.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

( car passing )

( classical score playing )

( typewriter clacking )

( phone ringing )

( people chattering )

( door creaking )

YES, MAY I HELP YOU?

I-I'D LIKE TO SEE

THE CITY EDITOR, PLEASE.

IS IT ABOUT A JOB?

NO, I HAVE

A STORY FOR HIM.

WHAT ABOUT?

WELL, I'D LIKE

TO TELL HIM MYSELF.

( car horn honks )

WHAT YOU GOT?

I'D LIKE TO ISSUE

A FORMAL CHALLENGE

TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

YEAH?

I'D LIKE TO BE LOCKED UP

IN A SOLITARY CELL,

CHAINED AND HANDCUFFED,

NO GUARD,

AND I'LL SET MYSELF FREE

WITHIN AN HOUR.

I HAVEN'T HEARD

OF AN ESCAPE ARTIST

SINCE BEFORE THE DAYS

OF FLAGPOLE SITTERS.

THE SOLES OF YOUR FEET.

OKAY, LET ME SEE

Man:

( flashbulb pops )

AND THE OTHER ONE.

SCULLY, USE MY CUFFS.

THANK YOU.

( laughs )

GIMME THE OTHER ONE.

Man:

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

OKAY, NOW STICK OUT

YOUR TONGUE.

LIFT IT UP.

SHOW ME YOUR TEETH.

Reporter:

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

SOMEONE BROKE OUT OF HERE?

( chuckles )

NEVER.

Newspaper editor:

ARE YOU NERVOUS, DANNY?

Man:

ALL RIGHT,

GET INSIDE.

Photographer:

HAVEN'T YOU GOT SOME

LEG IRONS OR CHAINS?

I MEAN, IT LOOKS LIKE

HE'S IN SCOUT CAMP.

Reporter:

AT LEAST SOME MORE

HANDCUFFS THEN.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, FRITZ.

OKAY, SCULLY,

PUT ON THE LEG IRONS.

Fritz:

AND DOUBLE-CUFF HIM TOO,

WOULD YA?

( leg irons

and cuffs clanging )

Fritz:

GOT ANY OTHER HOT IDEAS?

- YOU WANT HIM

STRUNG UPSIDE DOWN?

- ( handcuffs ratchet tight )

ALL RIGHT, NOW THIS

IS A FELON'S CELL.

DOUBLE-LOCKED--

LIKE AN OLD MAID'S

BACK DOOR.

ALL RIGHT,

EVERYBODY OUT.

THE DEAL IS

HE'S TOTALLY ALONE, FRITZ.

ONE HOUR.

Danny's voice:

I KNOW THIS ALL SEEMS

LIKE A PUBLICITY STUNT

AND YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING

HOW I GOT ALL THESE PEOPLE

TO LOCK ME UP LIKE THIS.

BUT YOU SEE,

MY FATHER WLS HARRY MASTERS,

THE GREATEST ESCAPE ARTIST

IN THE WORLD AFTER HOUDINI.

AND REAPPEAR.

WITHOUT A KEY, DISAPPEAR

HE COULD OPEN ANY LOCK

I GUESS WHEN YOU'RE

REALLY GOOD AT ESCAPES,

YOU FIGURE YOU CAN

GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING.

- ( alarm bell ringing )

- THEY SAY HE BECAME A CROOK

AND DIED TRYING

TO ESCAPE FROM THIS JAIL.

( marching band playing

patriotic music )

BUT YOU CAN'T BELIEVE

ANYTHING THEY SAY BECAUSE

THIS WHOLE TOWN'S CORRUPT,

AND THE MAYOR

OF THIS TOWN IS A CROOK.

I KNOW BECAUSE I GOT MIXED UP

WITH HIS CRAZY SON STU,

AND I'M GONNA

HELP HIM OUT OF A JAM

BY BREAKING OUTTA JAIL.

AND-- WAIT A MINUTE,

I BETTER START THIS

AT THE PART WHERE I ESCAPE

FROM MY GRANDMOTHER'S.

( car passes )

( car passes )

( clock ticking )

MY WHOLE FAMILY

KEEPS TRYING TO GET AWAY.

AFTER MY FATHER DIED,

MY MOM RAN AWAY FROM HOME,

LEAVING ME HERE,

STUCK AT MY GRANDMOTHER'S.

BUT I'M GETTING OUT

OF HERE TO GO JOIN

MY AUNT

AND UNCLE'S MAGIC ACT--

AT LEAST

IT'LL BE A START--

THEN I'M READY

FOR THE BIG TIME.

ALL I NEED IS A CHANCE.

( train horn blares )

( railroad crossing

bell rings )

( instrumental record

playing )

AND HERE THEY ARE, FOLKS,

Emcee:

BURKE AND SIBYL,

TWO MINDS

WITH BUT A SINGLE THOUGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

Burke:

THE HUMAN MIND HAS A WISDOM

THAT WE HAVE NOW

ONLY BEGUN TO UNDERSTAND.

( door closes )

YOU CAN HEAR...

WHAT IT HAS

TAKEN SCIENTISTS

THOUSANDS OF YEARS

TO DISCOVER...

...EVERY GENERATION

HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN.

NOW IF YOU WOULD HELP US...

( Burke continues,

indistinct )

SIBYL!

WHAT IS IT?

UH...

A GREEN PILLBOX.

Burke:

A GREEN PILLBOX.

- IS THAT CORRECT?

- ( applause )

THAT IS CORRECT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HAVE YOU

EVER BEEN SEPARATED

FROM A CLOSE FRIEND

IN A CROWDED ROOM?

SAY, MAN,

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

I'M IN BURKE SMITH'S ACT.

I'M A PLANT.

YOU A HOUSE

PLANT, MAN,

OR ARE YOU GOOD

OUTDOORS TOO?

Burke:

AND WILL FIND IT

ENORMOUSLY--

IT'S TIME

TO GO HOME.

( laughter )

C-L-7-1-7-1-0...

8-0.

RED AND WHITE.

THE LEFT-HAND

UPPER DRAWER.

FIRST COUSINS.

HELLO, DANNY.

DANNY!

Burke:

DANNY?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THESE SPIRIT MESSAGES

COME THROUGH

ONCE IN A WHILE BY WAY

OF THE TV ANTENNA

IN HER HEAD.

( light laughter )

AND NOW GETTING BACK

TO REALITY, HMM?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THERE IS A SMALL CARD

ON EVERY TABLE.

NOW WE'D LIKE FOR ONE PERSON

AT EACH TABLE...

Danny's voice:

MY AUNT REALLY COULD

READ MINDS,

BUT WHEN SHE DID

IT MESSED UP THE MENTAL ACT

AND PISSED OFF UNCLE BURKE.

NOW IF YOU

DON'T HAVE PENCILS,

THE WAITERS DO.

WHERE ARE WE GOING LATER?

YOU'RE GOING

IN JACK'S CHEVY

TO THE BEACH,

AND YOU'LL WISH YOU HADN'T.

NOW CUT IT OUT, HONEY.

JUST HOLD ON.

I DON'T LIKE

TO SEE GIRLS GO WRONG.

WE ALL HATE TO SEE

GIRLS GO WRONG.

- WELL, SHE'S GOOD.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO--

- Burke: SIBYL!

( nervous laugh )

TO HONEST PEOPLE.

THE FORTUNE-TELLING

NOW LET'S LEAVE

WELL, I HEARD THOSE ANSWERS

COMING YESTERDAY,

AND RIGHT NOW

I CAN HEAR TOMORROW'S,

SO WHO NEEDS IT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE BEG YOUR PARDON.

YOU SEE, MY WIFE'S MIND

IS A DELICATE INSTRUMENT.

AND LIKE

ALL FINE INSTRUMENTS,

IT NEEDS ADJUSTMENT

FROM TIME TO TIME.

( Burke laughs )

YES!

UNDER WRAPS FOR YEARS.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO KEEP HER

NOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY

A POLITE GOOD NIGHT

TO THE AUDIENCE?

Sibyl:

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE WILL

BE SHOCKED BY MY WIFE'S

NATURAL APPEARANCE,

BUT AFTER TONIGHT'S

PERFORMANCE,

I DON'T THINK ANYONE

WILL BE PARTICULARLY

SURPRISED.

( drumroll, cymbal crash )

( cheering, applause )

HIYA, DANNY!

DANNY,

WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' HERE,

YOU CUTE THING?

- AREN'T YOU AUNT LOUISE?

- I USED TO BE LOUISE.

NOW I'M SIBYL.

- ( drumroll, cymbal crash )

- Burke: THE AMAZING SIBYL!

( applause )

( Sibyl laughing )

CAREFUL

OF THE STEPS, HONEY.

COME HERE, YOU CUTE THING.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT JACKET?

HOW'D YOU LIKE OUR ACT?

ONE OF THE BOYS IN THE BAND.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE

THINGS GOT A BIT

CONFUSING AT FIRST,

- BUT IT WAS EXCITING.

- I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.

- YOU KNOW YOU REALLY

LOOK LIKE YOUR FATHER--

- Burke: SIBYL!

( laughs )

SIBYL.

WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO

OUT ON THAT STAGE TONIGHT?

HONEY, LISTEN, IT'S DANNY.

SEE, IT REALLY IS DANNY.

YES, I SEE DANNY.

HOW ARE YA, DANNY?

NOW COME ON,

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

HERE, UNCLE BURKE,

PICK A CARD.

OKAY.

LOOK AT IT.

MM-HMM.

PUT IT BACK.

ARE YOU SURE YOU SAW IT?

I AM SICK OF THOSE

PICK-A-CARD TRICKS.

Danny:

OKAY, THEN,

I'LL SHOW YOU A TRICK

WITH SIX CARDS.

THREE OF THEM ARE BLACK...

AND THREE OF THEM ARE RED.

BLACK, RED,

BLACK, RED,

BLACK AND RED.

AND WHEN

I TURN THEM OVER,

ALL THE BLACKS

ARE TOGETHER,

AND SO ARE THE REDS.

Sibyl:

OH, THAT'S SWELL.

THAT'S OLD WATER--

EVERYBODY DOES THAT TRICK.

LET ME SHOW YOU

THE EIGHT-CARD VARIATION.

IT'S A LOT HARDER

WITH EIGHT CARDS.

RED, BLACK, RED,

BLACK, RED,

BLACK, RED, BLACK.

RED, BLACK--

- YOU PAYING ATTENTION?

- Burke: MM-HMM.

RED, BLACK,

RED, BLACK,

RED, BLACK.

- THIS SIDE IS RED...

- ( Burke chuckles )

- ...AND SO IS THIS SIDE.

- ( Sibyl gasps )

AND THESE ARE ALL--

- Burke: BLACK.

- NO.

THESE ARE

THE FOUR KINGS.

MY STARS, THAT WAS

REALLY WONDERFUL.

Burke:

YOU'VE REALLY BEEN

DOIN' YOUR HOMEWORK, HUH?

THE WORLD

IS FULL OF GUYS

THAT CAN PICK UP

A DECK AND PUT IT DOWN

WITHOUT SPILLING IT.

WHAT'S YOUR NEXT STEP, KID?

MY NEXT STEP'S UP.

I'M GOING UP.

I CAME OUT OF THE STICKS

BECAUSE THIS IS UP.

YEAH, BUT WHAT'S IT UP?

Burke:

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN

DO A COUPLE OF TRICKS

DOESN'T MEAN

YOU GOT IT MADE, KID.

HOW DO YOU KNOW

WHAT ELSE HE CAN DO?

YOU NEVER HEARD

OF A CHILD PRODIGY?

IT DOESN'T TAKE EVERYBODY

A WHOLE LIFETIME

TO LEARN THE TRICKS

OF THE TRADE, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW WHAT

HE'S GOT IN MIND.

TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR FATHER?

KID, DID ANYBODY EVER

HE WAS AN ESCAPE ARTIST.

YEAH, A PRETTY GOOD

ONE TOO.

BUT HE ALWAYS HAD

TO BE UP ON EVERYBODY.

HARRY WAS A WISEGUY.

HARRY WAS A REAL MAN

AND A GREAT ARTIST,

AND DON'T EVER

FORGET IT.

WHAT ABOUT

THE BRIGHT SIDE?

LET'S USE HIM

IN THE ACT,

BY THE TIME HE LEARNS.

IF WE STILL HAVE ONE

HMPH, IS THAT WHAT YOU

WANT TO DO, KID?

I'D BE VERY GOOD AT IT,

AND I'D DO ANYTHING

YOU TOLD ME TO.

OKAY, THEN I'M GOING

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

YOU SEE, WE CAN'T EVEN AFFORD

TO LET YOU VISIT WITH US,

NOT FOR LONG ANYWAY.

HERE'S THE CARD

YOU PICKED.

( chuckles )

THE OLD

CARD-IN-THE-WALLET TRICK.

THE OLD

CARD-IN-YOUR-WALLET TRICK.

( Sibyl laughing )

( chuckles )

EH, THE WONDERBOY.

YOU GOT HIM.

( Sibyl laughs )

Danny:

IT'S ALL THERE.

( tea kettle whistling )

- ( gas knob clicks )

- ( whistling stops )

- Burke: THERE YOU GO.

- Sibyl: THANKS, HONEY.

HIS GRANDMOTHER

Burke:

LOOK, WE GOT TO CALL

AND LET HER KNOW

THAT HE'S HERE,

AND THEN WE'RE

GONNA TAKE HIM BACK.

HAVE YOU GOT

THE PHONE NUMBER?

A LITTLE WHILE.

Sibyl:

BURKE, LET HIM STAY

- HE'S PART OF THE FAMILY.

- YEAH YEAH, YOUR FAMILY.

HE'LL PROBABLY END UP

JUST LIKE HIS OLD MAN.

Sibyl:

SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

I'M TELLING YOU,

LOOK, SIBYL,

Burke:

ONE OF THESE DAYS

HE'S GOING TO END UP

IN A CARD GAME SOMEWHERE

AND TRY OUT SOME OF THIS DUMB

AMATEUR STUFF HE'S BEEN--

- ( thump, porcelain clangs )

- AND SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET--

Sibyl: SHH!

( Burke whispering )

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET MAD

AND BREAK HIS HEAD OPEN.

Sibyl:

GEE, BURKE, YOU'RE REALLY

JEALOUS, AREN'T YOU?

( music box plays, stops )

TO SEE ANOTHER VERSION

Burke:

LOOK, I JUST DON'T WANT

OF HIS OLD MAN

AROUND HERE.

Sibyl:

LISTEN, BURKE...

( music plays )

( music stops )

Burke:

SIBYL, WILL YOU

PLEASE CALL HER NOW?

- ( dog barks )

- ( birds chirping )

( water dripping )

( owl hooting )

( metallic clang )

( metallic clang )

( metallic thump )

( metallic thump, scraping )

( door rattles )

( doorbell buzzes )

Man over intercom:

Say the magic word.

HOW'S THAT?

Say the magic word.

I DON'T KNOW

THE MAGIC WORD.

It's "Open sesame."

OPEN SESAME.

( door buzzing )

( birds chirping )

SOMETHING FOR YOU,

FOOL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS?

WHAT'S THE USE

OF FOOLING YOUR FRIENDS?

YOU THINK YOU HAVE ANY,

YOU'RE JUST FOOLING YOURSELF.

DO YOU WRITE

YOUR OWN PATTER?

YOU SHOULD ASK ME

WHETHER OR NOT

I FOOL MY RELATIVES

OR STRANGERS.

WELL, HOW ABOUT

RELATIVE STRANGERS?

- THEM TOO.

- ( chuckles )

YOU KNOW, I BET

YOU KEEP 'EM ON THEIR TOES

UP AT THE DEBATE SOCIETY.

SAY LISTEN,

I'VE GOT SOMETHING HERE

THAT I THINK YOU

JUST MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.

YEAH, HOUDINI USED

TO DO THIS ONE.

IT'S...

KING TUT.

- NO, THAT'S NOT QUITE

WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

- OH?

- SEE, MY FATHER

WAS HARRY MASTERS.

- YEAH?

LISTEN, DO YOU KNOW

ANYBODY IN TOWN WHO CAN

RIP A BASE,

OR DEAL A GOOD SECOND?

SLOW DOWN, BOY.

I HAVEN'T BEEN

IN POTS AND PANS VERY MUCH,

- BUT IT WOULDN'T

TAKE ME TOO LONG.

- ( doorbell buzzes )

SAY THE MAGIC WORD.

( doorbell buzzes )

- SAY THE MAGIC WORD.

- ( doorbell buzzes )

LET ME HANDLE IT.

WATCH HOW I SERVE

THE CUSTOMERS.

WELL NOW,

WAIT A MINUTE.

SAY THE MAGIC WORD.

Open the goddamn door.

Man over intercom:

KNOW THAT I'M HERE.

- ( woman laughing )

- OH, DON'T LET THIS GUY

HE'S NUTTY

AS A FRUITCAKE.

NO SIR,

IT'S "OPEN SESAME."

or I'll kick the door in.

Push the button

( loud thumping on door )

( door buzzes )

HI.

SOMETHIN' FOR YOU,

FOOL YOUR FRIENDS?

WHERE'S THE BOSS?

THIS JUNK, WILL YOU?

Woman:

HEY, STU, LOOK AT ALL

- OH.

- WHEN THE BOSS ISN'T HERE,

UH, I'M THE BOSS.

MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.

YEAH, I'D LIKE

SOME ICE CUBES

WITH FLIES IN THEM.

- ( woman laughs )

- WELL, HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?

I'LL TAKE SIX DOZEN.

- I GOTTA CHECK.

- THESE THINGS ARE A RIOT.

HE'LL GO CRAZY.

I'LL PUT THEM

IN MY FATHER'S DRINKS--

OH, STU, YOU'RE SUCH

A JOKESTER.

YEAH, THESE ARE

GREAT ONES, THE FLIES.

DO YOU HAVE THE BEETLES

OR THE SPIDERS?

- Danny: YEAH.

- HOW ABOUT SOME RUBBER RATS?

MISTER,

WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING.

DO YOU SERIOUSLY

THINK I'M HERE

TO LOOK AT INSECTS

IN ICE CUBES?

I'M THE HUMANE SOCIETY

IN THIS TOWN.

I WANT TO SEE YOU MAKE

SOME CANARIES DISAPPEAR.

WE'VE GOTTEN REPORTS THAT

YOU GUYS KILL THOSE BIRDS,

AND I WANT YOU

TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE.

OH, WHAT

A PLEASANT SURPRISE.

YOU KNOW, STU,

YOUR FATHER TOLD US

THAT IF YOU CAME AROUND,

THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE

TO TAKE IT FROM YOU ANYMORE.

TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE

HE SAID, IN FACT,

NOW HE SAYS IF YOU

GIVE US ANY TROUBLE

THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED

TO CALL THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HOLD

A RABBIT BY THE EARS EITHER,

BUT DID THAT EVER STOP

ANY OF YOU GUYS

FROM PULLING THEM

OUT OF HATS?

HEY, STU, LET'S PRETEND

LIKE I'M A RABBIT.

I WANT TO KNOW

HOW YOU IDIOTS

MAKE A CANARY

DISAPPEAR,

AND I DON'T HAVE

25 YEARS TO FIGURE IT OUT.

LOOK, STU,

PHONE--

I'M CALLIN' THE POLICE.

SIR, THE MAGICIAN

SWITCHES THE LIVE BIRD

WITH THE STUFFED ONE,

SO WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT

TO KILL THE BIRD?

ASK A TURKEY

ON THANKSGIVING.

( gasps )

- HEY, STU...

- ( phone busy signal )

...SLIDE IT IN HERE

A SECOND.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU

A LITTLE TRICK.

LOOK, DON'T PLAY

WITH THE ILLUSIONS, GIRLIE.

IN FACT, DON'T TOUCH

ANYTHING IN THE STORE.

I'LL BE GLAD TO DEMONSTRATE

ANYTHING YOU WANT.

HERE, LITTLE BIRD.

YOU CAN TELL THIS GUY'S

BEEN IN AND OUT OF

THE NUTHOUSE.

( whistles )

- HUH-UH.

HE IS, DON'T YOU?

- YOU KNOW WHO

HE'S THE MAYOR'S SON.

HMPH.

STU, SOMEBODY'S

ALWAYS SAYING STOP.

LET'S GO DRIVE FAST

AND GET ANOTHER DRINK.

OKAY, WE'LL GO

GET A DRINK.

EXCUSE ME, MISTER...

I DON'T NORMALLY DEAL

WITH THE WALKING WOUNDED,

BUT IF I MAY,

LET ME SHOW YOU

THE SIGNED-CARD-

TO-WALLET EFFECT.

WHO'S THIS KID,

FOR GOD SAKES?

PICK A CARD.

SO YOU'RE ANOTHER

PRESTIDIGITATOR.

YOU GET IT?

PUT IT BACK.

Woman:

STU, MAGIC IS BORING.

YEAH.

- YOU'RE A JERK.

- JERK?

DON'T YOU KNOW

ANY OTHER GOOD WORDS?

MOVE WITH

THE TIMES, BOY.

ALONE AND JUST GET OUT OF HERE?

WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE THE KID

YOU WANT

TO KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

YOU NEED

TO BE EDUCATED.

I'VE HAD A LIFETIME

OF EDUCATION, PAL.

HERE, I'LL PASS ALONG

ONE OF MY EDUCATIONS.

WHAT DOES A STEAMBOAT

DO IN THE HARBOR?

- TIE UP!

- ( Danny grunts )

WHAT A JERK!

WHY DON'T YOU

GO HOME NOW, STU,

AND COME BACK SOMETIME WHEN

YOU'RE IN A FRIENDLIER MOOD?

Stu:

I'M FEELING PERFECTLY

FINE AND FRIENDLY.

( door closes )

Shop owner:

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST

LIKE YOUR OLD MAN.

YOU THINK YOU CAN

GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE,

PLEASE, AND DON'T COME BACK.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GETTING

OUT OF HERE, OKAY?

Danny:

EXCUSE ME.

Stu:

WELL...

WE GOT A LITTLE

LORD FAUNTLEROY HERE,

AND THE SPECTACLE

IS DISGUSTING.

I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.

I APOLOGIZE

FOR MY REMARKS.

ALL RIGHT.

( chuckles )

HIS HONOR WOULD LIKE

TO SPEAK TO YOU.

IT'S ABOUT THE WALLET.

- HI, DAD.

- HI, SONNY.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WELL,

WHERE'S MY WALLET?

OH, YEAH,

SAM TOLD ME ABOUT IT.

AH WELL, SAM HERE,

HE SAID, UH...

YOU TOLD HIM.

- THAT RIGHT?

- YEAH.

OH WELL, MAYBE IT WAS

SOMEBODY ELSE.

I'VE BEEN TALKING

TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW HOW THINGS

GET AROUND.

- NICE SEEING YOU.

- NICE TO SEE YOU, DAD.

UH, LOOK...

LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN

TO YOU WHAT HAPPENED HERE.

YOU SEE, I-I--

I PUT THE WRONG MONEY

IN THAT WALLET BY MISTAKE,

YOU KNOW,

OUT OF SAM'S SAFE.

IT'S NOT

THE SPENDING KIND,

NOTHING THAT ANYBODY

WOULD WANT TO USE NOW.

WHAT'LL IT BE?

OKAY, I'D LIKE

A CUP OF COFFEE

OF MILK AND EGGS, PLEASE.

WITH A SIDE

I LIKE 'EM OVER EASY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE 'EM.

OKAY.

Waitress:

CAN I HAVE A MILK,

CHARLIE, AND EGGS OVER EASY?

( sizzling )

HOCUS-POCUS, HUH?

I WORK

AT THE TOUCAN CLAP.

OH YEAH?

I'VE HEARD

ABOUT THAT PLACE.

WHAT DO YOU DO, SWEEP?

- SWEEP?

- YEAH, YOU SWEEP UP?

NO, I'M PUTTING

TOGETHER AN ACT.

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE YOUNG

FOR THAT SORTA STUFF?

I HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING

FOR AN ASSISTANT.

WOULD YOU

BY ANY CHANCE

KNOW ANY FRIENDS

WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED?

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?

- ( bell rings )

I THINK

I CAN HANDLE THAT.

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN.

EVER SEEN ONE OF THESE?

NO.

( jingling )

LISTEN.

MY MOTHER GAVE IT TO ME.

- ( chuckles )

- CAN YOU BREAK A HUNDRED?

NO WAY.

YOU'RE CRAZY,

YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU KNOW, AFTER YOU

GET OFF WORK,

I KNOW WHERE

THEY MAKE POPCORN.

AND THEY GOT THIS

GREAT NEW INVENTION--

THEY CALL IT THE MOVIES.

( chuckles )

WELL, I WORK

TILL ABOUT 10:00.

COME ON BY.

MY NAME'S SANDRA.

( piano scales playing )

( lock rattling )

WHERE'S THE WALLET, KID?

IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

I MEAN,

YOU KNOW, THEY WERE

TRICK HANDCUFFS.

- ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS

FLIP THE LITTLE BUTTON--

- HEY, RELAX.

YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE NOSE.

I GOT MAD.YOU KNOW,

IT WASN'T EVEN A FAIR FIGHT

TO BEGIN WITH.

KEEP IT QUIET, KID.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE

A LITTLE...

EMPLOYMENT INSURANCE

INTERVIEW HERE, KID, NOW

AND I DON'T WANT

TO SHOCK THE NEIGHBORS.

( piano continues )

- COME ON!

- WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

WHAT'S ALL THAT JUNK?

TOOLS

FOR FIXIN' WATCHES.

- HEY, YOU REMEMBER THE TIME--

- HEY, VERNON.

( piano stops )

- WHERE IS IT?

- WHERE'S WHAT?

YOU ALREADY GOT

ALL MY OTHER STUFF--

WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?

YOU HEISTED MY WALLET.

NOW WHILE THINGS ARE

PRETTY CALM AND REASONABLE,

IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME

TO GIVE IT BACK.

YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, EH?

YOU THINK WE'RE REHEARSING

A PLAY HERE, HUH?

HOW FUNNY THIS IS.

I'LL TELL YOU

IT WILL KILL YOU,

HA HA HA.

YOU'LL DISAPPEAR

LIKE A CANARY

AND THERE'LL BE A VACANT SEAT

IN THE GLEE CLUB.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE REFERRING TO.

IN PLAIN LANGUAGE,

I'LL KILL YOU--

UNDERSTAND THAT, HMM?

ARE YOU KIDDING, STU?

SHUT UP.

MY OLD MAN'S A CROOK--

THAT MONEY IS HOT.

AND IF YOU TRY

AND SPEND ANY OF IT,

YOU'RE GONNA GET A REAL-LIVE

CLOSE-UP TECHNICAL VIEW

OF ENOUGH F.B.I. MEN

TO START A BIG LAW FIRM.

- WHAT?!

- NEVER MIND.

HEY,

THAT'S THE FIRST

I HEARD OF THAT.

OH, VERNON,

I'M TALKING TO PEOPLE

ONE AT A TIME HERE,

SO LET'S NOT HAVE

ANY HECKLING.

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

I'M SORRY

Danny:

LOOK, IT'S NOT WHETHER

YOU WIN OR LOSE,

IT'S HOW

YOU PLAY THE GAME.

AND SO FAR, YOU'VE BEEN

PLAYING THIS LIKE CHAPTER

RIGHT TO "BOMBA,

THE JUNGLE BOY."

( chuckles )

I DON'T ENJOY THREATS.

I DON'T ENJOY

HURTING PEOPLE.

TO GET KICKS.

'CAUSE IT'D BE A CHEAP WAY

SOMETIMES I WISH I DID,

YEAH, WELL, IF YOU

TRY ANYTHING, I'LL--

YOU THINK

I'M KIDDING, DO YOU?

FOR A LOT LESS THAN THIS,

KNOWN TO GO BERSERK

LISTEN, I'VE BEEN

- SO QUIT PLAYING DUMB,

AND GIVE IT BACK, OKAY?

- ( music starts, stops )

( screams )

HEL--

- ( screaming stops )

- I'M-- I'M CUTTING OUT.

COME BACK HERE!

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!

WHAT THE HELL

DON'T YOU EVER TRY

A STUPID TRICK LIKE THAT.

STUPID, HUH?

WHAT IF HE HAD TIME

TO HIDE IT SOMEWHERES?

- I WAS THINKIN'--

- YOU, THINKING?

LOOK.NOW LOOK,

I'M THE KID, RIGHT?

HUH?RIGHT?

THEN THERE'S

THESE TOUGHS GUYS.

YOU SEE, I'M GETTIN'

SHOVED THROUGH, RIGHT?

WORRIED AS HELL.

NOW I'M REALLY

NOW I KNOW--

I KNOW THAT

IN TWO MINUTES

I'M GONNA GET FRISKED,

SO WHAT DO I SEE?

( music playing )

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

IT'S NOT A BAD EVENING'S

ENTERTAINMENT, IS IT, KID?

- ( music stops )

- ( knock on window )

- COME IN!

- ( ice jingling )

- ( barks )

- Stu: WHAT THE HELL?

HAVE ANY INTERRUPTIONS.

I'M SORRY BUT WE CAN'T

I'M SORRY, MA'AM.

- Woman: OH MY.

- HEATHER, ARE YOU

LOOKING FOR BURKE?

I HEARD

SOMEBODY HOLLER,

SO I BROUGHT

THAT'S USUALLY IT.

OVER A DRINK--

THE KID JUST HAD

A LITTLE TROUBLE TRIPPING

OVER HIMSELF, THAT'S ALL.

- Heather: WHAT'S GOING ON?

LEAVE THE BOY ALONE!

- ( barking )

- Stu: VERNON!

- I'LL BET YOU

HE'S GOT IT ON HIM.

- I KNOW YOU'VE GOT IT!

- DON'T MIND US, LADY, IT'S

A LITTLE LATE IN THE DAY.

BY MIDNIGHT YOU'D BE

DOWNRIGHT EMBARRASSED.

I JUST BET I WOULD.

DON'T SPEND IT ALL

IN ONE PLACE, DANNY BOY.

HEY, I KNOW YOU!

YOU'RE THE MAYOR'S SON.

- SHOO!BEAT IT!

GET OUT OF HERE!

- ( dog barks )

I BRING YOU OUT ON ANYTHING!

THIS IS THE LAST TIME

Stu:

( music plays, stops )

HOLD ON A MINUTE!

YOU SHOULD

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I AM TAKING CARE

OF MYSELF.

( dog barks )

( door rattling )

HEY, KID!

HEY!

HEY YOU, COME HERE!

( knocks on window )

WHERE'D YOU GET

THAT OUTFIT?

IN CASE I GOT A JOB.

MY UNCLE LET ME BORROW IT

I THOUGHT YOU WERE

COMING BY EARLIER.

I GOT HELD UP

BY A BUSINESS MEETING.

I'LL BET YA

IT WAS FUNNY BUSINESS.

AN ASSISTANT.

I COULD REALLY USE

WE COULD START SLOW,

AND AFTER I SAW YOU

IN HALF--

SAW ME IN HALF?

( chuckles )

THAT'LL BE THE DAY.

YOU WON'T GET HURT.

DO YOU USE A REAL SAW?

OF COURSE-- IT'LL HAVE

TO LOOK NATURAL.

COME HERE, I WANT

TO SHOW YOU SOMETHIN'.

- ( metal latch clangs )

- ( Sandra giggles )

( Danny whispers )

OKAY, YOU GOT TO BE

REALLY QUIET.

OKAY.SHH.

IS IT OKAY

IF WE'RE IN HERE?

NO, BUT HERE WE ARE.

( gasps )

OH MY-- WOW.

MY FATHER'S STUFF.

THIS IS ALL

WHAT DO YOU DO

WITH ALL THIS STUFF?

YOU USE IT

IN AN ACT.

SEE, THAT'S MY FATHER

IN THE MIDDLE,

THAT'S UNCLE BURKE

ON THE SIDE

AND THAT'S AUNT SIBYL

ON THAT SIDE.

DANNY.

- MMM.

OH?

( chuckles )

TRYING TO ESCAPE.

MY FATHER DIED

YOU KNOW,

HOW?

WELL, THEY TRIED

TO KEEP IT FROM ME.

I GUESS

THEY WERE AFRAID I MIGHT

FOLLOW IN HIS FOOTSTEPS.

HE WAS THE

GREATEST ESCAPE ARTIST

IN THE WHOLE WORLD

AFTER HOUDINI.

HEY, DO I GET TO SAY

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN"?

YEAH, BUT NOT YET.

AN ESCAPE IS ONLY GOOD

YOU KNOW,

WHEN IT LOOKS DANGEROUS.

NOW?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

( clock ticking )

BURKE, IT'S DANNY.

( rattling )

IT REALLY LOOKS DANGEROUS.

GOIN' ON HERE?

Burke:

WHAT THE HELL'S

OH MY GOD.

COME ON, DANNY.

DANNY!

DANNY, COME ON!

- ( Danny coughing )

- Burke: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

( shower running )

( pipes squeal,

shower stops )

LISTEN, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU

STOP TRYING TO ESCAPE?

LET'S TRY DOING

SOMETHING NORMAL.

Danny:

LIKE WHAT?

OH, STEALING TUXEDOS.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU--

WHY DON'T YOU ASK

THAT GIRL OUT TO THE MOVIES?

SHE'S A REAL CUTE GIRL.

YOU PROMISED HER, DIDN'T YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT WE COULD DO THEN?

WE COULD GO GROCERY SHOPPING.

YOU AND I COULD ARGUE

ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT

YOU'D HAVE CRUNCHY

PEANUT BUTTER OR...

SMOOTH PEANUT BUTTER.

MAYBE YOU COULD

FORGET TO MAKE YOUR BED,

THEN I'D GET MAD AT YOU.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD

BE A REAL FAMILY.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

BURKE DOESN'T WANT

TO HAVE ANYTHING

TO DO WITH ME.

HE JUST TALKS LIKE THAT

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

TO EVERYBODY.

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

- THAT'S JUST HIS WAY.

- YEAH WELL, HE HATED

MY FATHER, DIDN'T HE?

HARRY JUST DID THINGS

REALLY GOOD.

IT MADE PEOPLE MAD.

YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU'RE DOING

IS REALLY DANGEROUS.

YOU COULD GET HURT.

DID YOU EVER TELL

MY FATHER THAT?

THAT HE MIGHT DIE

TO STOP HIM?

OR EVEN TRY

YOU COULD DIE, DANNY.

I KNOW YOU SEE THINGS.

BUT IF YOU JUST

STOP TALKING ABOUT 'EM,

MAYBE THEY WON'T HAPPEN.

YOU KNOW,

HARRY WAS THE VERY BEST

THAT THERE EVER WAS

AND HE DIED.

BUT I HAVE TO DO THE THINGS

MY FATHER COULD DO.

OH.

IF YOU PROMISE ME

YOU'LL BE REALLY CAREFUL,

I PROMISE YOU

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

I'LL TRY NOT TO SEE

( chuckles )

( brakes squeal )

- Vernon: WELL, HERE WE ARE.

- Danny: HEY, WHERE'S STU?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID

STU WAS GONNA BE HERE.

OH, JEEZ.

HE'S IN THE RESTAURANT.

HEY LOOK, KID,

I'LL SETTLE FOR HALF.

NO QUESTIONS.

Danny:

HALF OF NOTHING.

( keys jingling )

HEY,

COME BACK HERE, SONNY!

( train passing )

COME BACK HERE!

HEY, SONNY!

( train horn blows )

OH SH--

OH.

( light jazz music playing )

HI.

WE'RE HAVING A BANQUET.

GRAB A LOBSTER.

I WANT A JOB.

I SEE YOU--

DID YOU SPEND

ALL THE OTHER MONEY ALREADY?

I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH.

WELL,

WHAT KIND OF A JOB

DO YOU THINK

YOU CAN DO FOR ME?

I CAN DO ANYTHING.

( door creaks open )

VERNON!

I TRIED TO DRAG HIM

IN HERE, STU,

BUT HE GOT

THE KEYS OUT OF MY POCKET.

HE THREW THEM AWAY.

- I'VE BEEN LOOKIN'

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

- WHAT KEYS?

- NOT MY KEYS?

- Vernon: YEAH.

YOU BETTER FIND THEM.

AREN'T YOU

ASHAMED OF YOURSELF,

MAKING MY FRIEND LOOK BAD?

- SEARCH HIM.

- Vernon: RIGHT.

( lobster shell cracks )

STU, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REST

OF THE HONORED GUESTS?

SOME PEOPLE ARE A LITTLE SLOW

IN SHOWING UP SOMETIMES--

YOU KNOW,

BUSINESS, THE HEAT.

Vernon:

JUST THIS KIND

OF STUFF.

THAT'S IT.

OKAY.

WHAT'S THIS STUFF?

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME

IF I TOLD YOU.

THESE ARE PICK LOCKS,

AREN'T THEY?

SOME OF 'EM.

- DO YOU KNOW HOW

TO USE THIS STUFF?

- YEAH.

( gasps )

HOW DO YOU FEEL

ABOUT BREAKING THE LAW?

WHICH LAW?

THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU?

DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE

WELL, LIKE, UM,

I'M NOT MAD AT ANYBODY

IN PARTICULAR.

HOW ABOUT

CITY ORDINANCES,

FEDERAL STATUTES

EMBARGOES?

AND INTERNATIONAL

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THOSE ARE.

WELL, OKAY,

I'M GOING TO PUT IT

IN A SIMPLER WAY FOR YOU.

HOW ABOUT DON'T STEP

ON THE GRASS,

DON'T SHOOT COWS,

STUFF LIKE THAT?

DON'T SINK THE COAST GUARD,

I'VE STEPPED

ON THE GRASS.

I SEE.

DOES THAT MEAN

YOU'VE GOT AN OPEN MIND?

ONE END'S OPEN.

ONE END'S O--

( laughs )

ONE END'S OPEN.

I REALLY LIKE YOU, KID.

I DO.

TELL YOU

WHAT I'M GONNA DO:

WE'RE GONNA GO DOWNTOWN

AND SEE ABOUT THIS.

THAT CADDY OUT THERE?

YOU SEE

YEAH.

GO WARM IT UP FOR ME.

( engine starts )

Stu:

WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

( Vernon whistling )

- YO.

- Stu: VERNON?

- ISN'T THIS

A HIGH-SECURITY LOCK?

- THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID.

OR DID YOU PUT IN

A MICKEY MOUSE LOCK AND HOLD OUT

A LITTLE ON THE BILL?

OH, COME ON.

HEY, STU.

WE DOING HERE, STU?

WHAT ARE

ALL RIGHT, BOY,

EVERYTHING YOU SEE

IS LOCKED.

I LIKE TO LOCK UP.

AND I DON'T LIKE TO KEEP

TOO MANY SETS OF KEYS AROUND,

WHICH IS A MISTAKE

WHEN OLD VERNON'S ON THE JOB,

BECAUSE NOW

WE HAVE NONE.

BUT ANYWAY,

IT'S ALL YOURS.

( police siren blaring

in distance )

IF YOU CAN GET THROUGH THAT ONE,

YOU'LL FIND A SET OF FILES,

A LOCKED DESK,

AND A WAR SURPLUS SAFE.

AND I THINK

THE JOHN'S LOCKED TOO,

JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY TRIES

TO CRAWL UP THE DRAINPIPE.

HOW MUCH

AM I GONNA GET PAID?

- ( chuckles )

- Stu: HOW DO I KNOW

WHAT TO PAY YOU

UNTIL I KNOW

WHAT YOU CAN DO?

OPEN IT.

GONNA SIT AROUND

STU, ARE WE ALL

AND WATCH HIM

PICK LOCKS ALL DAY?

WHY DON'T YOU GET

SOME DRINKS, OKAY, HONEY?

THANK YOU.

FOR GOD SAKES,

I CAN'T OPEN IT

THAT FAST WITH A KEY!

Arlene:

APERITIF?

WHAT?

COULD I CLEAR THE ROOM,

YOU KNOW, FOR LIKE TWO MINUTES?

OH.

( door creaks )

TO TALK MY WAY INTO SOMETHING

Danny's voice:

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS SEEM

THAT I'LL HAVE

TO GET MYSELF OUT OF.

STU'S HIRED ME

TO OPEN THE SAFE

IN HIS FATHER'S OFFICE.

IT'S NOT QUITE

WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

- YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

- UH--

- ( Stu laughs )

- HI.

- HI.

- I THOUGHT

I RECOGNIZED YOUR VOICE.

WELL, I THOUGHT

YOU DID TOO.

I MISSED YOU

AT THE BANQUET TODAY.

OH YEAH,

SOMETHING CAME UP.

IN CASE

YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT YET,

YOUR FATHER SAYS

NOBODY HAS TO EVEN

LISTEN ANYMORE.

THIS IS OUR WATER

COMMISSIONER, FREDDY,

WHO'S IN CHARGE

OF POLLUTING EVERYBODY

WHEN HE'S NOT ON VACATION.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

FREDDY JONES.

HE'S THE BEST LEFT-HANDED

HIGH SCHOOL QUARTERBACK

THIS STATE'S

EVER PRODUCED.

- PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M TRYING TO PERSUADE HIM

THAT OUR LITTLE COLLEGE

WOULD HAVE

A LOT OF ADVANTAGES.

I'D DEFINITELY THINK

ABOUT IT.

GIVE HARDING

A CLOSE LOOK.

STATE UNIVERSITIES

THOSE BIG

DON'T PAY AS MUCH

AS THEY USED TO.

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

- HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

- 98 LBS, SIR.

- WELL, HE GREW THREE

INCHES THIS SUMMER.

HE'S LIKE A SNAKE

OUT THERE ON THE GRIDIRON.

YEAH, I SEE.

( Stu sniffs )

SMELLS LIKE VOTERS IN HERE.

THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

( both scatting in rhythm )

HI.

HI, STU.

( laughter )

WHERE'S SAM?

YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS.

HE'S IN HIS OFFICE.

UH, STU!OH NO.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO BE IN HERE.

NOW YOU KNOW THAT.

NOBODY IS.

STU, STOP.

STU...

IF YOU DO THIS, I'LL HAVE

TO CALL UPSTAIRS, HONEST.

DON'T YOU KNOW

WHO THIS IS?

THE BACK PART OF THE PAPERS?

DON'T YOU READ

THIS IS FREDDY JONES,

STATE PRESIDENT OF 4H.

OH.WELL, THAT'S NICE.

I JUST WANTED TO SHOW HIM

WHERE THEY HIDE THE BODIES

WHEN THEY COOL OFF.

( scoffs )

SAM!

( phone ringing )

I HEARD YOU WERE

IN THE BUILDING, BABY.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS KID.

HE'LL SCARE THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

( chuckles )

I DON'T GET SCARED ANYMORE.

NO?

TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

A COMPLETELY HONEST KID.

HE'S THE ONE WHO FOUND

MY OLD MAN'S WALLET.

WE'RE TAKING IT IN

TO RETURN IT.

WELL, IF YOU HAVE THAT WALLET,

YOU'D BETTER TURN IT OVER.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

I FIGURE A 10% REWARD

WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH TO PUT

A CLEAN-LIVING KID LIKE FREDDY

THROUGH HIS FIRST YEAR

OF EMBALMING SCHOOL.

YEAH YEAH,

ALL RIGHT.

MIND IF I SEE

THE WALLET?

SEEING IS BELIEVING,

EH, SAM?

I'LL SHOW YOU MINE

IF YOU SHOW ME YOURS.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU,

SO GET OUTTA HERE.

IT'S BACK

TO THE NUTHOUSE, BABY.

I DON'T LIKE THIS.

JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

AND LEARN SOMETHING.

WELL, IT'S JUST

A LITTLE CONFUSING.

YOU GOTTA EXPECT

A LITTLE CONFUSION,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE

CAUSING IT YOURSELF.

YOU MAKE EVERYBODY

MAD AT YOU.

YEAH SURE.

LISTEN, THIS PLACE

WOULD MELT DOWN

INTO GREASE

IF I DIDN'T.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY USE

A LOT OF MARBLE

IN CITY HALLS?

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T

ABSORB STINK.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN IT

UNLESS YOU WANT TO SHOW OFF,

AND IT KEEPS PEOPLE WORRIED

BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A BANK.

Stu:

UH-OH.

I SEE SAM BROKE

THE GOOD NEWS UPSTAIRS--

WE'RE EXPECTED.

NO, NOT TODAY.

BY APPOINTMENT ONLY.

YOUR MOTORCYCLE IN THE ELEVATOR?

HAVE ANY TROUBLE GETTING

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUTY

ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ON?

STU, GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND OUT THE FRONT DOOR,

OR I'VE GOT ORDERS

TO COOL YOU OFF.

IN THE WHOLE GODDAMN COUNTRY,

HEY, I'M BRINGING

THE FIRST DOUBLE EAGLE SCOUT

A LOCAL BOY,

TO MEET THE MAYOR,

- SO WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- I DON'T KNOW.

Secretary:

IT'S OKAY, AL, LET 'EM IN.

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND HERE WE HAVE

THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.

MARBLE FIREPLACE,

SOFAS,

ANTIQUE CLOCK,

AND HERE--

WATCH CLOSELY-- THE SAFE.

AND THERE'S

THE MAYOR HIMSELF.

( laughs )

WELL, SONNY,

WHAT'S THE LATEST, EH?

I BROUGHT ALONG

YOUR SUCCESSOR--

FRED JONES.

HE'S GONNA BE MAYOR

ON THE JAYCEE'S GOVERNMENT

DAY NEXT WEEK.

WELL, ISN'T THAT NICE?

UH, THE WATER COMMISSIONER

TOLD ME

SOME FOOTBALL PLAYER.

THAT YOU WERE TOUTING

- FOOTBALL PLAYER?

- UH-HUH.

( laughs )

WHICH ONE OF

THE GEORGE BOYS

ARE YOU, SON?

UH, THE LAST ONE, SIR.

Mayor:

OH WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

YOU STICK TO FOOTBALL.

SEE, STU OVER HERE,

NEVER PLAYED FOOTBALL

AND LOOK AT HIM.

SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T

LIKE TO PLAY BALL, DAD.

YEAH.

SAM, YOU KNOW,

THE CITY TREASURER?

HE HAS THE IDEA

THAT YOU FOUND MY WALLET.

FOR GOD SAKES,

SAM NEEDS A HEARING AID.

STUART, STUART!

COME HERE.

I WANT

TO TALK TO YOU.

STU,

COME OVER HERE,

SONNY, WILL YOU?

( grandfather clock chiming )

I WANT TO TALK

TO YOU. COME.

YOU SEE,

THE WAY I APP--

( chuckles )

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES

YOU REMIND ME OF

THE LITTLE BOY.

LISTEN, THE WAY

I UNDERSTAND IT,

THIS THING

CAN CUT EVERYTHING OFF

A LITTLE SHORT.

A MATTER OF FACT,

IT CAN CUT IT

RIGHT DOWN TO THE KNOB,

SO BE A GOOD BOY

AND GIVE IT BACK, EH?

HE'S A GOOD BOY TOO.

I AM A GOOD BOY, DAD.

YOU'RE A BAD BOY.

LOOK, THAT WALLET

WAS ON THE TABLE

IN MY ROOM.

YOU WERE IN THE ROOM.

NOW THE WALLET

IS NOT THERE ANYMORE,

SO WHERE IS IT?

Stu:

WELL, MAYBE SOMEBODY

PUT IT IN THE WASHING MACHINE.

- ( Stu chuckles )

- YEAH YEAH, WELL...

WHAT DO YOU THINK, KID?

( chokes )

COULD YOU

HOLD DOWN THE JOB,

KEEP THE CITIZENS

LINED UP WITH THEIR HANDS

GOING IN AND OUT

OF THEIR POCKETS

AT REGULAR INTERVALS?

YOU LIKE INSULTING ME

IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIEND, HUH?

- IT MAKES YOU

REAL HAPPY TO DO, HUH?

- OW!OW!OW!OW!

( screams )

- Stu: HA!

- GET OUT!

- ( laughs )

- GET OUT!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST

STAY DOWN, DAD,

AND GIVE THE PARTY MACHINERY

A NICE LONG REST?

THIS IS IT, BOY.

THAT IS THE LAST STRAW.

THAT IS THE LAST ONE.

- Secretary: Yes?

- NOW!

- Now?

- YES, RIGHT NOW!

Oh.

NOW YOU LISTEN

TO ME, STUART,

YOU GOT SOMETHING

OF MINE, SEE,

A CHANCE

SO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU

TO REST

AND TAKE IT EASY

UNTIL YOU REMEMBER

WHAT YOU DID WITH IT, HUH?

NOW I DON'T WANT

ANY REPORTS, NO REPORTEES,

NO NOTHING.

NO REPORTERS,

I'LL CALL FRITZ IN A MINUTE.

HE CAN USE THIS ELEVATOR HERE.

WHAT ABOUT THE KID?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE KID.

LET FRITZ FIND OUT ABOUT HIM.

IF I HAD YOUR WALLET,

I'D NEVER GIVE IT TO YOU.

THE REST OF MY FILES.

I MIGHT GIVE IT

TO THE F.B.I., ALONG WITH

IS THAT SO?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING, SONNY,

SOMETIMES WHEN LITTLE BOYS

MAKE UP STORIES

THEY HAVE TO BE LOCKED UP

IN THEIR ROOMS.

NOW GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

- GET HIM OUT OF HERE

BEFORE I KILL HIM!

- I'M WARNING YOU!

IF YOU WORK ME OVER,

I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR IT!

I'M WARNING YOU!

OUT!

Stu:

I'M WARNING YOU, EH,

ANYBODY WORKS ME OVER,

I'M GONNA REALLY--

Officer:

YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?

I WANT BOTH YOUR MOUTHS SHUT

BETWEEN HERE

AND THE JAIL OR ELSE.

YOU USED TO BE

MY FRIEND.

Officer:

SHUT UP.

YOU USED TO GET

CHINESE FOOD FOR ME.

Officer:

I SAID SHUT UP.

YEAH YEAH.

- IF YOU GIVE ME ANY TROUBLE--

- YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH

( phones ringing )

Danny's voice:

SO THAT'S WHEN I GOT

THE IDEA TO MAKE THE CHALLENGE.

ALL I HAVE TO DO

IS GET OUT OF JAIL,

MAKE MY WAY BACK

TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE,

OPEN HIS SAFE AND GET AWAY.

Editor:

HOW WOULD YOU SAY

AN ESCAPE ARTIST

IS DIFFERENT

FROM JUST PLAIN FOLKS?

WISH THEY COULD DO.

WELL, HE DOES WHAT PEOPLE

AND IF HE CAN'T,

HE MAKES IT SEEM LIKE HE CAN.

EVER TRY TO ESCAPE

FROM ANYTHING TOUGH BEFORE?

- Danny: SURE.

- HOW'D IT MAKE YOU FEEL?

FINE.

Editor:

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY OUT.

THE DEAL IS

HE'S TOTALLY ALONE, FRITZ.

ONE HOUR.

IN AN HOUR, KID.

Fritz:

OKAY, BE BACK TO GET YOU

CLOTHES

ARE ACROSS THE HALL.

GOOD LUCK.

( keys jingling )

YOU DON'T SEE ME,

DO YOU, SCULLY?

NO, FRITZ.

Fritz:

COME OUT HERE NOW.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

I HAVE TO DO A LOT OF THINGS

I DON'T LIKE IN THIS JOB.

I DON'T MIND THAT SO MUCH.

COME DOWNSTAIRS,

IF HIS OLD MAN WOULD

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

YOU'D GET INTO IT

LIKE HIM.

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOUR CONNECTION IS

WITH THAT NUT,

BUT IF YOU KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT A BUNCH

OF HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILLS

YOU BETTER

START TALKIN'.

I DID A LITTLE CHECKING.

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU'VE HEARD,

WAS A PETTY CROOK.

BUT YOUR OLD MAN

THEY DIDN'T SHOOT HIM

IN HERE, YOU KNOW.

HE GOT AS FAR

AS THE KITCHEN,

WHICH ISN'T BAD

FOR A COUNTRY BOY.

BUT DON'T YOU

EVEN TRY TO ESCAPE.

IN A LITTLE WHILE,

THE REPORTERS WILL BE BACK

TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE

AND WRITE DOWN YOUR COMMENTS

ON THE VIRTUES

OF BRAGGING.

THINK ABOUT

HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILLS.

- ( cell door closes )

- ( man whistling )

IT SAYS YOU'RE

SUPPOSED TO SIGN THIS.

Guard #1:

YOU EVER HAVE ANYBODY TRY

TO BREAK OUT OF HERE?

Guard #2:

OH, YEAH, GUYS TRY

TO GET OUT ALL THE TIME.

HOW FAR DO THEY GET?

( people chattering )

( rattling )

( lock rattles, clicks )

COMIN' BACK IN A FEW MINUTES.

COME ON, I GOT REPORTERS

Danny:

SHH.

- ( people chattering )

- ( keys jingling )

OKAY, COME ON.

( cell door rumbles, clangs )

IN HERE.

OKAY, YOU'LL BE SAFE

IT'LL BE

IN ALL THE PAPERS.

BOY, ARE THEY GONNA BE

SURPRISED TO FIND YOU IN HERE.

( keys jingling )

( cell door rumbles )

( cell door rumbles )

( cell door rumbles )

( alarm bell ringing )

( door clanging )

( phone ringing )

- I GOT THE KEYS.

- Fritz: YEAH, LET'S

GET THIS OVER WITH.

- DID YOU FIND THE WALLET YET?

- NO, SIR.

- WHAT ABOUT THE KID?

- WE GOT HIM LOCKED UP.

I TELL YOU WHAT, AL, YOU TELL

FRITZ TO SEND SOMEONE OVER

- TO STU'S APARTMENT

AND LOOK FOR IT.

- UM, OKAY.

DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE

TO DO TO FIND IT.

GOOD NIGHT, SIR.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

( elevator gears whirring )

( door creaks )

( clock ticking )

( police siren blaring

in distance )

( thunder rumbling )

( light clicking )

( light clicking )

( thunder rumbling )

( clicking )

( door rattling )

( door creaks )

( footsteps approaching )

- ( doorknob rattling )

- Man #1: UH-OH.

Man #1:

OH BOY, NOW WHAT?

- ( doorknob rattles )

- Man #2: WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

- I DON'T HAVE THE KEY.

- Man #1: WELL, FRITZ'LL

HAVE IT.

COME ON.

( door closes )

( clicks )

( clicking )

( steam hissing )

( car honks overhead )

( manhole cover clangs )

( thunder rumbling )

( car horn blares )

- ( lounge music playing )

- ( applause )

( Burke performing

in distance )

( applause )

Burke:

AND NOW WHAT AM I HOLDING UP--

ASIDE FROM THE SHOW?

Sibyl:

THE SEVEN OF DIAMONDS.

AH, YES.

NOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY

A NICE GOOD NIGHT

TO THE AUDIENCE?

Sibyl:

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

NOW, MY DEAR,

SHALL WE SHOW THEM

OUR SECRET?

YES.

Burke:

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO KEEP HER

UNDER WRAPS FOR YEARS.

( laughter )

Burke:

SOME PEOPLE MAY BE SHOCKED

BY MY WIFE'S

REAL APPEARANCE.

AND AFTER TONIGHT'S

PERFORMANCE,

I DON'T THINK ANYONE WOULD BE

PARTICULARLY SURPRISED.

( drumroll, cymbal crash )

( applause )

Sibyl:

DANNY...

WATCH OUT FOR STU.

GOODBYE, DANNY.

Burke:

THE AMAZING SIBYL!

( drumroll, cymbal crash )

( door closes )

( water trickling )

( whispers )

WAKE UP.

YOU PUT THE WALLET

IN THE SAFE?

UH-HUH.

YOU REALLY DID IT.

I DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU DID IT...

- BUT YOU DID IT.

- ( chuckles )

LOOK WHAT YOUR DAD

DID TO YOUR APARTMENT.

I LOOKED.

WHAT'S A COUPLE OF SHINERS

BETWEEN FRIENDS?

I KEPT MY EYES OPEN

AND DID MORE OR LESS

EXACTLY

WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO.

HMM.

I FIGURE YOU OWE ME

80 BUCKS,

WHATEVER TIME IT IS.

( laughs )

YEAH.

DID I TELL YOU

TO CALL THE COPS?

HMM?

DID I TELL YOU

TO CALL THE COPS?

NO, BUT...

WHO ELSE WAS GONNA DO IT,

THE HUMANE SOCIETY?

DON'T USE MY OWN JOKES

ON ME, KID.

NO, IT'S BAD MANNERS.

BAD BAD MANNERS.

( metal clangs )

I DIDN'T WANT TO TURN HIM IN.

IT WAS JUST A GAME.

( scraping )

( clanging )

( scrapes, clangs )

( scrapes, clangs )

( clanging )

( dog barking )

I DID IT

BECAUSE I COULD DO IT

AND NOBODY ELSE COULD!

YOU DID IT FOR ME,

YOU LITTLE CREEP?

NOW THEY WON'T GIVE HIM

HIS BOOZE,

CIGARS

AND WHIPPING BOYS.

YOU DID IT!

AND I'M GONNA

CUT YOU UP.

YEAH WELL,

YOU WANTED TO,

BUT YOU COULDN'T.

YEAH, I WANTED TO DO IT.

HE'S MY FATHER.

YOU KILL YOUR FATHER

AND I'LL KILL MINE.

( police siren

blaring in distance )

YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.

YOU'VE GOT TALENT

AND YOU DID DO SOME OF

THE THINGS THAT I ASKED YOU TO.

POTENTIALLY

YOU'RE A PHENOMENON.

ARE YOU STILL

MY EMPLOYEE?

ARE YOU?

I DON'T WANT

TO GET SLICED UP.

OH, I JUST GET MAD

SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW?

I WASN'T REALLY

GONNA HURT YOU.

I JUST WANTED

TO SCARE YOU A LITTLE BIT.

YEAH WELL, YOU MANAGED

THAT JUST FINE.

YEAH.

DIDN'T I?

YEAH, I SURE DID,

HERE...

HERE'S THE MONEY

I OWE YOU.

NOW COME ON OUT

AND GET A BONUS.

I'M GONNA GET MY CAR

AND I'M GONNA KNOCK THIS BOX

INTO THE NEXT PRECINCT.

THAT'S A FEDERAL OFFENSE!

Stu:

YOU'RE A FEDERAL

OFFENSE IF I EVER--

HOW IS MY OLD MAN

EVER GONNA FORGIVE ME NOW?

( gasps )

OUCH.

HI.

- YOU HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE?

- NO.

YOU DROP SOMETHING

IN THERE?

I JUST MAILED A LETTER.

A LET-- THAT WASN'T

ANY LETTER.

TO MY MOTHER.

HAVING A LITTLE TALK

WITH SOMEBODY, HUH?

( sighs )

WHAT'S YOUR

NUMBER, OFFICER?

I DON'T BELIEVE

I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE.

BE POLITE THIS TIME

OF THE MORNING,

BECAUSE IF YOU GET WISE,

I'LL SHUT THAT OTHER EYE

FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT,

YOU'RE NOT GOING

TO BELIEVE THIS.

THERE'S A KID

IN THE BOX.

IN HERE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

OPEN IT IF YOU

DON'T BELIEVE ME.

YOU PUT A BABY IN THERE?

A BABY IN THERE.

NO, I DIDN'T PUT

Stu:

- ( knocking )

- DANNY? HEY, DANNY,

WILL YOU SAY SOMETHING?

DANNY? I TELL YOU,

THERE'S A KID IN THE MAILBOX.

HE OPENED IT AND GOT IN

AND HE'S WANTED BY YOUR GODDAMN

CHIEF OF DETECTIVES.

- ( scuffling )

- Stu: OH HEY.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO-- HEY!

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I--

OKAY!OW!

- WHAT?

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

- STAY STILL.STAY STILL.

- OKAY, I'M STILL.

I'M STILL.

DON'T YOU SEE

I'M HOLDING STILL?

WHAT DO YOU WANT

TO DO THAT FOR?

- STAY STILL.

- OKAY OKAY.

DON'T YOU READ THE PAPERS?

KEEP UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

I'M FAMOUS FOR

BEING THE WRONG GUY.

( laughs )

IN THE MAILBOX.

I TELL YOU,

THERE'S A KID

- IN HERE?

- YEAH.

COME ON.

COME ON.

( car door opens )

Stu:

GOOD NIGHT, DANNY BOY.

( car door closes )

( car door opens, closes )

( car engine starts )

( car drives off )

( thumps )

( classical score playing )