All language subtitles for Locked.Down.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]-English

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
M_I_SForEver

[sirens blaring]

[thunder rumbling]

[tablet chimes]

Before you say anything,
I'm not your brother.

I'm your half-brother.

What was that?

Why would you begin
a conversation like that?

Because you are about
to ask me for money,

and when I always say,
"Why should I give you money?"

you always say,
"Because I am your brother,"

and I never point out
you are my half-brother.

I never say it. But things
happening around here lately...

Hi, Paxton. How are
your erratic head movements?

I ask
because I read an article.

Yeah, they're under control.

How's the, uh,
cement art work?

She just sold a piece
for $50,000.

A frozen waterfall.

It felt appropriate
for the times.

How is it appropriate
for the times?

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

I was actually calling
to see how you were.

'Cause I heard
it's bad in New York.

It is bad.
They canceled the NBA.

We heard London's
under total lockdown.

I've been furloughed
by the way.

- [David] That's great!
- Yeah.

Now there is literally zero
purpose to my life.

How is Linda?

Yeah, she's somewhere
in the house.

Is there
some type of issue?

Is there an issue?
Let me see.

Convenient lie to avoid
forensic examination

of our domestic circumstances
or tell the truth?

Okay, convenient lie.

No. There is no issue.
We are fine.

Can you tell her
I'm gonna Skype her?

Also, David,
I've sold my motorbike.

You've what?

Yeah, I have a buyer.
He'll pay me

when we are all unlocked

from this fucking prison
of psychological hell-chains.

Fucking flames
of burning aloneness.

The screw of isolation
until you can't tell

what is your body
and what is furniture.

No possibility
of revving the engine

and riding away. Am I conveying
anything of my mood to you?

Why have you sold your bike?

You are your bike.
Your bike is you.

Yeah, I have sold myself.

I have sold my former self.

I felt sorry for the bike.

It deserved someone who can do
justice to its spirit.

Someone who still
breaks the fucking rules.

So, you and Linda, what,
you had a fight?

Linda said she was planning
to end our thing,

our relationship,
our whatever this ever was,

because we'd grown apart,

meaning that she had gone up
and I have gone down.

She was planning to end it
before lockdown was announced.

[tablet beeping]

...droplets and moisture
because we were shouting.

I said some things
and she said some things

and now
we are stuck here together

with the things we said

echoing around the house
like fucking bells ringing.

For two weeks
we are locked together here.

[doorbell ringing]

Anyway. Truth be told,
I just wanted to hear someone's voice.

- And you chose us?
- Yeah, why not?

What happened to Mike?
Your friend Mike.

Oh, no, no. Mike and I
are no longer speaking.

He crossed...
My delivery!

Crossed an important threshold
when, uh, when he said that

the COVID virus
was the consequence

of the secret release by Jews
of alien DNA

into the
water sprinkling system

of a Chinese golf resort.

[Maria] It looks like
your food has arrived,

- so we'll let you go.
- It's not food, it's a sandwich.

Yeah, hang in, brother.

- Half-brother.
- [Maria] Tell Linda I'm gonna call her.

Yeah, I'll leave her a note.
Just to compound the oddness.

[tablet beeps]

[man on TV] The stark reality
of fighting Coronavirus...

...Trafalgar Square in London
usually crowded.

Evidence of social distancing
in action.

In this critically
important time,

the Prime Minister
Boris Johnson himself infected,

but been sharing...

[muffled screaming]

[sighs]

[Skype ringtone]

Maria, hey!
Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything's great.

You know, we're staying strong.
Yeah, we just talked to Paxton.

Hmm. Yes, I head. Some of it.
I put a pillow over my head.

He said you had symptoms.

It passed I think. I hope.
I don't know.

Oh, green smoothie.
You must send me that recipe.

It's not a recipe,
it's an action.

You just put the green stuff in
and press the on button.

How are things
with you and Paxton?

Is everything okay?

You know
everything is not okay.

Not only
is everything not okay,

nothing is okay.

Everything is never okay.
Even his name is not okay.

This is him speaking. He says even
his name is a predictor of doom.

That's how he is lately.

[sighs] He's changed so much.

Oh, we all change.

I mean, Linda, you've evolved,
he's mutated.

He needs some help.

- I read an article...
- Do you know he said the other day

that any man over 35
who rides a bus is a failure?

- He rides the bus every day. Or he used to.
- [Maria talking indistinctly]

- He does it to torture himself.
- No man is ever really fully conscious, not really.

So, I heard
he's selling his motorbike.

That's a big step.

Yeah, we both agreed
that he needed some time,

so he's planning on using
the money from selling the bike

to go to Kazakhstan
to think about his life.

Why Kazakhstan?

We went on a road trip there
ten years ago.

Ten years ago?
A million years ago.

Anyway, now he is stuck here,
and I am stuck here.

- Linda, is there someone else?
- Nope, just me and him.

No, I mean, like,
another man.

- No.
- A woman?

What?

I was just speculating.

Thinking about that night we came to
London and you and I went too far.

Oh, that was just weed
and curiosity.

We both had orgasms, Linda.

You know they say these calls
aren't really the most secure.

I think
about that night sometimes.

- You do?
- Yeah, don't you?

Mmm... Listen, Maria,
I've been on Skype and Zoom calls all day.

The office is locked down.
I really gotta get some sleep.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

- I love you.
- What?

- God.
- [door slams]

Paxton, are you
going somewhere?

Where would I be going?

Why is the hose
in your exhaust?

[laughing]

I was just gonna
take a selfie.

Someone at work texted me
and asked how I was

coping with lockdown.

So I was gonna send
a photo of myself

with the hose shoved
up my helmet by way of reply.

I thought it'd be funny.
[laughs]

An amusing expression
of despair.

You were really
just gonna take a selfie?

Yeah, I had the phone
in my hand.

You weren't gonna
start the engine?

And go where?
You can't go anywhere.

I came in here and I could
smell the garage and the bike.

And the smell...
it made me very sad for some reason.

That shelf's covered in oil,
you're gonna get your ass covered in oil.

- Jesus, what a day!
- Bad?

No, just work.
I had some bad news.

Nothing compared
to... everything.

I really was just gonna
take a selfie, by the way.

"By the way," "just so you know,"
"in case you were worried."

Just... just a little game.

Or a rehearsal.

I'm not... Please don't think
I'm looking for anything.

You know Maria just called me
and said that she loves me?

- What?
- I know.

Secrets coming out
all over the place.

You got the key
to get back in?

- No.
- I'll leave the door open for you.

What's wrong?

You playing
with the hoses and exhausts

and we carry on
as if everything was normal.

I'm not normal lately,
I know that.

I haven't been
sleeping at all.

I've never been normal, but...

I used to be quite proud of it.
Now, I just...

- Just what?
- I don't know.

I'm just acutely aware
of the inconvenience it causes.

My super analysis
of every grain of sand.

Every word.

Being locked up
is making it worse.

We have to find some way of
getting through this separately.

We're only together because
we're in the same house.

We can sort of move around
each other until we're free...

- What? What is it?
- Oh, nothing. [clears throat]

Good night.

It's a bit of
Christmas decoration.

It's been there
since Christmas.

My therapist says
I should try to tolerate it.

To use it as a test.

Up until now, I've been able
to live with it,

as a test
to prove my progress.

Well, fuck progress.

- Why don't you take it down?
- No, my therapist says...

- Fuck the therapist. Paxton...
- You almost did.

Grow up. Take it down.

If it bothers you,
take it down, okay?

Christmas is not exactly
a great memory anyway, is it?

Christmas is not a great memory.
I agree with you.

Beginning of the end for us,
don't you think?

That was way before Christmas
for me.

Sorry.

Why do people think
honesty is good?

What are you doing
about therapy anyway?

I'm doing it on Zoom.

- My therapist has antlers on his wall.
- [laughs]

These are extraordinary
circumstances, Paxton.

You can't live with a woman
who has dumped you

and a piece of tinsel
on the ceiling.

- Have we decided to laugh about all this?
- Why not?

Nothing else we can do
there, is there?

Do you want a chair?

Sure.

[grunts]

- [Paxton chuckles]
- [claps]

Bravo.

- Fuck! That's better.
- Hang on.

You know, when I saw you
in the garage I thought...

"Was it really me on the back of
your bike all those years ago?"

Yeah, it was you.

Hanging on and screaming.

Well, that's what
I'm doing now.

Hanging on and screaming,
but you can't hear me.

Nobody can.
Anyway, good night.

Screaming about what?

What are you screaming about?
I'm the one that's screaming!

[woman] Hello, stranger!

- [Linda] Hi.
- How are you?

[Linda] Terrible. You?

Awful.

[Paxton] Hello!

Does anyone here in our lovely Portland
Street prison want to hear a little poem?

I read a lot of poetry

and I've read even more lately
'cause I can't sleep.

It's actually quite a nice way
to discover

that you're not the only human
being on earth who's fucked up.

[Linda] Paxton!

What the fuck
are you doing?

[Paxton] I'm entertaining
our fellow inmates.

This poem
is called Stand Up!

It's by D.H. Lawrence,
by the way.

"By the way," "just so you know,"
"in case you were worried."

All right, here goes.

"Stand up,
but not for Jesus!

It's a little late for that.

Stand up for justice
and a jolly life.

I'll hold your hat.

Stand up, stand up for justice,
ye swindled little blokes!

Stand up and do some punching,
give 'em a few hard pokes.

Stand up for a new arrangement
for a chance of life all round,

for freedom
and the fun of living,

break in,
and hold the ground!"

- [people clapping]
- [chuckles]

Thank you.

Sorry if I woke you.

But I am going
slightly mad lately.

My advice to everyone

is to use these strange
times we're all going through

to steal all the things
that you think life owes you.

[man] Go to sleep,
you bloody tosser!

Yeah, well, if I could
I would.

[man] Hey, leave him be, mate!

And if I come across any other
good poems, I'll share it.

[woman] We love it!

Good night, Portland Street.

[man] Night, night!

[woman] Thank you!

[grunts]

God, please let me sleep.

[glass shatters]

[indistinct conversation]

[girl] I swear to God!

What the fuck are you doing
in my garden?

You all right?

- We're just gathering these.
- They're just poppies.

They're bulbs of poppies.

All the dealers in our estate
have been arrested,

because they're the only people
out on the streets, innit?

With these poppy bulbs,
you can make a sort of opium.

You just slit the skins
and juice comes out.

How did you know
they were here?

We live in that tower block
up there, bro.

Friend of ours has a telescope.
He's into stars and shit.

We've been looking down
on houses for a laugh.

Looking through windows and then we
saw all these growing in your garden.

What the fuck are they all
doing growing in my garden?

[girl] I think hippies used to
squat in these houses in the '70s.

I think they grew them
and they just went wild.

How do you refine
the juice?

You don't. You just drip it
onto tobacco and then smoke it.

Or you can mix it with Coca-Cola
if you want and drink it.

Yeah, well, I don't smoke
anymore or drink Coca-Cola,

or do drugs of any kind,

but back in the bad old days I
did smoke quite a lot of heroin.

This is not
as strong as heroin.

It's quite a gentle hit.

- It's organic, bro.
- Organic?

Yeah.

That would explain
the hedgehog.

[laughs] There's a hedgehog in this garden
who is unusually friendly and relaxed.

Would a very small amount
help you sleep, do you think?

[boy] You sleep like a baby.
Smooths everything out.

- No mean voices in the night.
- No mean voices in the night.

That would be nice.
Well, well, well.

[snores]

[alarm beeping]

[alarm beeping]

[groans]

Paxton!

[groans]

[alarm continues beeping]

Paxton, for fuck's sake!

[alarm continues]

[exhales]

[laptop chimes]

Hey, Toby!

- Hi.
- Hey, how's the cough?

A bit better I think.
How are you?

I had it I think,
but it's passed.

I hope. [chuckles]
It's like a Valkyrie.

What?

It's a Viking spirit who,
before battles, decides

who will live
and who will die.

Valkyries, uh,
make their choices with no reason.

No morality,
no good or bad.

It's just so unfair how some
people get so sick and some don't.

Toby, you're back.
How are you?

Gangster. Thank you.

- Hello!
- Donald!

[laughs] You got a tie on.

One of my father's old ones.

I've become nostalgic
for old-fashioned formality.

On these Zoom things, I always
imagine every man has an erection.

- Ooh!
- [laughter]

Donald, is that
your house?

Uh, no. I'm at my mother's.
Anthony threw me out.

Oh! That's not allowed,
is it?

We had an awful night,
and everything came out.

We found out we, uh,
hate each other. So...

[laptop chimes]

[Melissa] Hi!

Uh, Melissa. Hey, how is Italy?
I hear it's bad there.

No, I'm in Sweden.

- What?
- Look.

You can go to bars here.

Hmm. Is anybody
obeying the rules?

[vomiting]

[groans]

[coughs]

[flushing]

After ten years sober,
that was fucking smart.

[coughs]

Wait, who are we waiting for?

- Timothy, I think.
- Oh, is Timothy okay?

Why wouldn't he be?

Well, he's got an
underlying health condition.

- Do you know which one?
- No.

He just seemed
like a sort of person

who would have
an underlying health condition.

Shall we just start
without Timothy?

By the way,
I am also wearing shoes.

- [laughs]
- [Linda] Seriously, we should start.

I have something to say.
Something important.

- [clears throat]
- [cell phone chimes]

Oh, um, hang on.
Oh, it's a message from Timothy.

- God!
- Has he got it?

"Dear, Linda.
As of 9:00 a.m. this morning,

I am resigning my position
at Miracore Media

with immediate effect.
I have had time alone to think

and I've realized
that what this company does

is just self-indulgent
media bullshit,

supporting corrosive international
capitalism around the world.

We should be using our
creativity to save the planet,

not sell handbags to the
wives of fascist dictators.

Yours in isolation. Timothy."

Just been watching David Attenborough
documentaries, I imagine.

Did he snap?

Okay, so there's no need
to wait for Timothy.

Let's get this done.

Sounds awfully grave, Linda.

- [kid] Daddy, Daddy.
- Shh. Daddy's on a call.

[indistinct talking]

Yesterday, I had a very long Zoom
call with head office in Chicago.

All continents
were represented.

And it seems
that all over the world

the company is facing the same
issues at this difficult time.

As CEO of Miracore UK,
it is my...

unfortunate duty
to let you know

that there will be some furloughing
of employees across the board.

And also a number
of compulsory redundancies

effective from today.

I assume the Inuit system of leaving
the old on the ice will be in play.

Donald, please don't jump
to conclusions.

Linda, what do you mean?

Uh, in normal times, I would've
gathered everyone into a room...

[Natasha] Everyone?

[Toby shushing]

Everyone on this Zoom call
is on this call

because all of your positions have
been deemed no longer sustainable,

and as of today your contracts of employment
with Miracore will be terminated.

Okay.

I'm glad I'm home.

I'm going to feed
the fucking chickens.

This is really bad, Linda.
How do you sleep?

[kid] Hello!

[softly] Hello.

[kid] Look at my dinosaur.

Daddy...

Malcolm, I thought
being furloughed

meant that the government
pays your wages,

but you don't do any work.

[Malcolm] Yeah, it does,
it does, it does.

But COVID
makes everything different.

So sad. So sad.

All of this is impacting on
everyone in my pastoral care.

Yeah, but I'm not in
your pastoral care, right?

I work for you.

And all I wanna know is,

if I am furloughed,
why are you asking me to work?

It's illegal, isn't it?

I'm a Christian man.

We all know that you are
a Christian man.

You say it like I ram it
down your throats.

I do not ram it down
your fucking throat.

Malcolm, just tell me,
what is it that you want me to do?

We have a situation, Paxton.

Yeah, I'm leaving this call
unless you tell me.

I sat through your prayer.

I begin every FaceTime
with a prayer.

My choice. Right?
I'm the boss.

Yeah, you are the boss.
So what do you want me to do, boss?

Due to lockdown, all the major department
stores in the West End are closing.

B2B Pro Freight Services are
among several freight companies

which have been asked to transport valuable
retail items from the West End outlets

to secure storage facilities
in shitholes like Dagenham.

The fabric, Paxton,
of our society is torn, you see that.

Fears of rioting and looting.
Pestilence. Apocalyptic words.

I'm giving you ten seconds to tell
me what it is you want me to do.

- Ten, nine, eight...
- Because of this crisis, we urgently need drivers.

- Drivers like you.
- ...seven, six, five...

Department stores only allow their
goods to be transported by drivers

- who do not have criminal records.
- ...three, two...

I repeat.

B2B Pro Freight Services
have urgent need for drivers

registered to us who do not
have criminal records.

So why are you
talking to me?

I have contracts to carry
valuables from 16 department stores

across London, and they all want
everything out in the next four days.

And I only have
two fucking drivers.

So what's your solution?

Deception. Forgiveness.
Redemption. Bunce.

What the fuck is bunce?

Old East End word
for cash, Paxton,

in return
for grand deception.

Facilitated by my forgiveness
and your redemption.

All right, get there.
Get there, Malcolm.

I've printed off an ID
with a security level A2.

Clean. With your photo on it
and a name.

It is not your name.

I can't officially take you off
furlough and give you this work,

because you used to be
a bike slag,

so I will have to pretend you are
someone else and pay you in cash.

You've worked for this company
as a driver for seven years.

And I have never had
a single complaint.

You've only ever driven
low value packages,

but I believe you are a man
who can be trusted.

That I am.

Yeah, I can be trusted.

I mean, what happened
was a long time ago.

Yeah, I don't wanna to know.

No, it was biker versus biker.

The Lord forgives.
B2B Pro Freight Services forgives.

If it wasn't for the fucking
convictions from that night,

my whole life would've been
radically different.

Two hundred a day in cash.

I don't care about the cash.
I wanna make a deal with you, Malcolm.

Look, I will do this
on the condition

that when this is all over, you will
consider me for a clerical position.

My entire life
has been fucked up

because of things I did
on one night.

My wife...

- [cell phone ringing]
- My wife has grown out of me,

because I am still Mr. Fuck-All
behind the wheel of a van.

I am not stupid.

I read poetry.

I could be someone.

I've got another call,
Paxton.

It is a very busy time,
the West End is going mad.

Will you do it?

All right, if I do this
for you, Malcolm,

I want you to practice
what you preach.

About forgiveness,
and lost sheep and redemption,

all of it, and give me
a chance to come off the road.

Everything
is possible, Paxton.

God bless you.

Selfridges, Thursday. Harvey
Nichols, Friday. Harrods on Saturday.

- Right, yeah.
- I will e-mail your full itinerary

and your new identity.

Okay, okay. And after...
After Harrods on Saturday...

God bless you, Paxton.

- [call ends]
- [sighs]

Shit.

[Skype ringtone on laptop]

Hey, Linda,
how's lockdown?

[chuckles] It's pretty bad.

How's Chicago?

I'm in Vermont.

Yeah, moved the family
out to Vermont.

We're all here crazy happy.

Kids make a lot of noise,
so I got these new AirPods Pro.

Noise canceling. They work, like,
you literally can't hear anything.

No, I don't have those.

I can see in your face

that you, uh, spoke to the guys at
Events and delivered the update.

Update. Yeah.
Yeah, I updated them.

- [clears throat]
- Did you read them my message?

The stuff
about the Miracore family?

No, no, no, I didn't think
that would translate. Um...

Linda, I wrote that message from the heart.
I really meant what I said.

I can't believe you didn't
read it out to them.

I didn't think it was appropriate
to say that "Miracore is a family

and there comes a time
in every family's life

when it's best if some family
members fly the nest."

Why is that not appropriate?

Because they're not
flying the nest, are they?

They're being
thrown out of the nest

into the long grass
under the tree.

There's no tree.
What tree?

It's your nest, Guy.
You came up with the analogy of the nest.

So there has to be a tree.

Do you have
a temperature, Linda?

Um, there are two big events which were
already set up when lockdown began.

One was at Westfield,

the other one was the Eve Schwarz
store takeover at Harrods.

But both Westfield and Harrods
have closed their door.

I love Harrods.

Yeah, I love Harrods, too.

I worked there for five years,
they were the happiest of my life.

Anyway, the launch of Eve Schwarz
collection was going to be huge,

so I chose Harrods because of
its size and level of security.

You chose? I thought Melissa
was head of events strategy.

Yeah. Sometimes I questioned
her... It doesn't matter.

You've been carrying that
department a long time.

Yeah, well, they were family,
weren't they?

And that's what
you do with family.

You carry them until you get a
direction from Chicago to drop them,

and then
you dutifully drop them.

Anyway, at Harrods, we have five
million dollars worth of jewelry,

clothing and accessories already
installed for the catwalk

and store takeover
under Miracore liability.

And that includes
the Harris Diamond

which was to be
the centerpiece of the show.

The Harris Diamond is under
our insurance liability?

It's, um...

It's safe in the Harrods'
secure vault, but, yes.

I suggested to the people
at Eve Schwarz

that we put everything into Harrods'
secure storage as quickly as possible

[chuckles lightly]
until this, um...

Uh, until this situation
is ended.

But we have a problem
with insurance. You see...

Uh...

So, Eve Schwarz's
insurance policy

means that they are not allowed
to store their merchandise

except under their own
corporate supervision.

So the merchandise

will have to be taken out of the
store in secure transportation.

Anyway, the stores
are allocating for collection.

We have Westfield on Friday,
Harrods on Saturday.

And then we discuss
your role and your salary.

- [mouthing]
- There'll be a lot of new responsibilities.

- Things are changing.
- That's excellent news. Thank you.

[in British accent]
Say hello to London.

- Enjoy Vermont.
- [in normal accent] You bet.

What? Oh, fuck! Quinn!

[call ends]

[laughs]

- [knock on door]
- [Paxton] I'm going to the land of the Walking Dead

to buy some milk.

Do we need anything else?

I say the word "we" without any
attempt to suggest a unified entity,

but there's no point in us both going
separately to get our own provisions.

It's getting rough
out there.

And increasingly, I think

people like me who have
spent time in real prison

are thriving
in this new reality.

Oh, you know what, Paxton,
fuck it. Come in.

All right, Paxton, here it is.
In addition to milk, I need cigarettes.

- What?
- I was trying to hide that I'm smoking again,

but since we're no longer together,
it doesn't really matter, does it?

You are smoking?

Yes. I plan to carry on
just until this thing is over.

It's magnificent, actually.

And when did you
start smoking again?

Just before Christmas.

Why?

I started smoking again
when I went to Paris.

- You went to Paris?
- Yes, I went to Paris.

I didn't tell you
I went to Paris.

Michael Essien invited me
to Paris and I went.

Okay, my therapist

identifies these moments
as confession avalanche.

Who the fuck
is Michael Essien?

He is the founder
of Miracore,

seventh wealthiest man
in Germany.

- And you went to Paris with him?
- Not quite.

He invited the CEOs
from six countries

to come to Paris for his
60th birthday celebration.

Do you mind if I light this thing?
I've put it out twi...

And, you know what? Actually,
it's my choice. Why am I even asking?

When I got to the hotel,
there was this banqueting suite

and I met six other CEOs
just like me,

only I had just
become a CEO,

so I didn't realize exactly who
I was until I saw the other CEOs,

and then I was like, "Oh,
so that's who I am now."

And we sat around this table,
drinking champagne,

and the conversation was lots
of little voices saying "yes,"

and one big voice saying
"good," Michael Essien's voice.

And then the big voice said,
"Emerging markets" and I...

You know how sometimes when people say
something abstract, I actually see it?

Well, we did smoke a lot of
weed in the bad old days.

When he said "Emerging
markets," I saw this...

thing, this shape appearing from under
the table and swimming around our legs.

I think I actually did have a
temperature that night. But, anyway,

then he said "Cigarettes
and pharmaceuticals,"

and I drank some champagne and
someone said "facilitators,"

that is people who persuade governments
that products are safe and okay.

And the big voice said that facilitators
were now a huge link in the chain

and I saw this big chain
dripping seaweed

and then the big voice
raised a toast to corruption,

and everybody laughed
ironically, including me.

Paxton, look at me!

And this thing, this shape,
it was swimming around my fucking legs

and then the big voice said,
emerging market

were now some big percentage
of Miracore's profits,

and so there would have to be
rationalization in Europe.

And I drank some water,
because I felt a little sick,

but also like I might pass out, but then
the waiter said "brandy," so I said yes.

And, so, the rationalization
was planned right there

at that table in Paris
before Christmas.

And the nice people
that I fired earlier today,

they weren't fired because
of a virus, like I told them,

that was a lie. They were fired
because of this...

this thing, this shape,

that swam with me
all the way back to my room,

and to get rid of it, I used the disgusting
glass swan to smash a full length mirror,

and rather then walk across
broken glass all night,

I decided to take the
last train home to London,

and when I got
to the Gare du Nord station,

a homeless woman came up to me
and asked me for a cigarette.

I told her that I didn't smoke,
but I decided to buy her a pack anyway,

because I thought that maybe
kindness might make me feel better

about what I had become.
And when she lit her cigarette,

I decided
to have a cigarette, too.

And when I drew in
the smoke,

the thing stopped swimming.

So I sat down on the bench
and I waited for my train.

And that is why
I started to smoke again.

But... to complete the answer
to your original question,

in addition to milk
and cigarettes, we need bread

and fucking wine.

God!

God what?

Well, it sounds like
you did have a temperature.

You know, they say this thing
was around before Christmas.

Paxton, no!
It's not about the virus.

It's about me realizing who I
am and what I do for a living.

Although a complete
re-examination of one's life

does seem to be
a COVID side effect.

- You smashed a mirror?
- Yeah.

Yeah, because I was in it.

I also smashed
a champagne bottle,

some champagne glasses, and I was about
to smash a glass horse and jockey,

but then
I decided to keep it,

but then I left it
on the fucking train.

Basically, I went, what you
used to call, "Full Viking."

In fact,
when I broke the mirror

and I saw my furious face
in the cracked glass,

- I thought of you.
- [chuckles] That's very sweet. Thank you.

Why didn't you tell me?

It was the onset of winter.
Our winter.

And anyway,
I didn't tell anybody,

because if you don't tell
anybody, then it didn't happen.

- Did you get a bill for the mirror?
- Paxton...

Paxton, fuck the mirror.
It's not about the mirror, it's about...

Previously, at this point,

- I would've hugged you.
- No, really, there's no need.

And anyway, besides,
you're going shopping.

So, uh, milk, bread,
wine, cigarettes.

- And probably eggs.
- I'm gonna put white flour on the list.

I'm gonna make bread.

- Please don't.
- You know...

what you just said
wasn't a confession.

I didn't say
it was a confession.

'Cause you didn't do
anything wrong.

No, it was an explanation.

You did everything right.

You wanna hear a confession?

This morning I overslept,
because last night I took opium.

[laughs] Yes!

Yes.

Much worse
than your cigarettes.

I licked opium off little
green bulbs from the garden.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

Our garden
is full of heroin.

You go beyond the washing line,
it's like the Helmand Province.

After ten years, Paxton?

Smoking isn't
so great either.

You know, I've had
some setbacks lately.

Yeah, well,
you know what, Paxton?

You know that green smoothie that
I have in the mornings since Paris,

there's two shots
of vodka in it.

- Just two but...
- You are lying.

No, I'm not.

Not every morning,
but some mornings I do it. I have done it.

You think I'm so happy and normal
is 'cause I keep getting promoted.

People get confused.

No, I've never accused you of
being happy and normal, Linda.

'Cause I'm not! All right?
I see concepts.

I should've been an artist.

You are unhappy
in an outwardly "happy,

let's pretend it's all fine"
female way,

and I am unhappy
in an obviously thwarted,

- unfulfilled, castrated male way.
- I can't. I can't.

Do not go down
this road again, okay?

Just go to the store.
Milk, bread, wine, cigarettes, eggs.

Yeah, and fuck you,
I'm buying flour.

Fine! Wait.
Do you have a mask?

No, I don't
have a mask, no.

Well, you'll have to tie something
around your mouth and nose.

Fuck!

My old bandana.

Hmm. Yeah, well,
it's no longer a symbol of rebellion.

It's now government advice.

You were wearing that when I met
you in Sturgis, South Dakota.

I thought you looked
like a desperado.

No, I was just trying to get
the dust out of my mouth.

Don't spoil it.

Don't forget the milk
and the eggs, Desperado.

[imitates gun whooshing]

[piano music playing]

Oi! Move forward.

Oi!

Go ahead then.

[Paxton] Fuck off.

Oi. How many asses
have you got?

[man] Fuck off!

[piano music continues]

[mouse clicking]

[knock on door]

Paxton.

Hearing the story about Paris
out loud, it made me think...

When lockdown's over,
I'm going to think about leaving Miracore.

[exhales]

Why are you telling me?

[ringing]

[sighs]

You called?

Oh, Lord who art in heaven,
I beseech you,

look favorably upon
Paxton and myself

and forgive us
the sin of deception

which we are jointly
about to commit

in pursuit of his ultimate
redemption. Amen.

Amen.

Every prayer is tailored to
suit the person I am calling.

Either it's me writing
the words or it's Jesus.

What do you want, Malcolm?

I've got your fake ID sorted.

Virginia is delivering
the ID card.

I wanted to make sure
you'd be in.

You know what, Malcolm?
Everybody's in.

And I've sent you
your new name.

I texted it to you.
It's on your phone.

Okay.

A new name for the beginning
of a new life.

And my new name is...

Edgar Allen Poe.

[Malcolm] Yeah.

Yeah, uh...

Yeah. Malcolm, I obviously
can't use this name.

Why not?

I'm hoping this is a joke,

but I know you,
so it's probably not.

What joke?

Okay.

Edgar Allan Poe is the name
of a famous,

like a...

like a very famous
American novelist and poet.

Never heard of him.

Well, I assure you,

Edgar Allan Poe is actually
a very famous

American writer who I'm
actually very fond of.

It was me that came up
with Edgar.

It's my grandad's name.

So who came up
with the "Allen Poe" part?

Martin in dispatch.

Fuck.

Martin in dispatch
hates me.

He's deliberately suggested
this to make my life strange

and unbearable.

Well, the card's
already been laminated.

Malcolm, I can't go into
expensive department stores

in the West End, right,

and expect them
to entrust me

with valuable clothing
and jewelry,

and tell them that my name
is Edgar Allen fucking Poe!

If he's so famous,
how come I've never heard of him?

'Cause you don't
read books!

I read the Good Book.

But he's not in the Bible, obviously.
He's an American.

Anybody here ever heard
of a writer

called Edgar Allan Poe?

No?

No one. There you go.

[Paxton] I know there's
no one there.

They are all
working from home.

Martin's here.

This was his idea!

Well, the card's
already been laminated.

[sighs]

All right, look, I grant you
that 90%

of the security guards
working the night shift

in the West End
would not have heard

of Edgar Allan Poe.

Basically dealing with robots.

But I am an unlucky person.

Fate has a way of doing these
little experiments on me.

Card's already laminated

and Martin has a new name
badge made for your uniform.

It's all in the envelope.

By some chance,

choosing the name
of a gloomy,

introspective peddler of darkness
is actually quite appropriate

to my character,
but please...

just give me a new card
under a different name.

The robots don't give
a fuck about the name,

they just look
at the photo.

You are due at Selfridges'
loading bay B

at 1800 hours tonight.

Wear your uniform
with your name tag.

Flash your ID.

Look, if you want to back
out, say so now.

I can't get into
trouble again, all right?

This could be construed
as deception

and attempted robbery.

You counted me down,

I'll count you down,
you fucker.

Five, four, three, two...

Fuck! All right, all right.
I'll do it.

Good.

Details are on the text.
God bless you, Paxton.

[call ends]

[doorbell chiming]

[sighs] No need to sign.
I know him.

Are you his other half?

[Linda] Yes, yes, I am.

[Virginia] He's so dry,
isn't he?

Yes, he is. [laughs]

[Virginia] Hello, Paxton.

I was just saying
you're very funny.

Yes, I am.
I am hilarious.

[Virginia] We think he's too
clever to be driving vans.

We don't know why he
doesn't get a better job.

Well, that's easy.

It's 'cause ten years ago,
I beat a man senseless

in a bikers' roadhouse
in Watford.

[laughs] See?

He's always saying
silly things.

He's so dry.

[Paxton] Give my regards to
Martin, would you, Virginia?

- [Virginia] Mmm-hmm.
- Tell him this won't be forgotten.

Okay.

See you when
the madness is over.

Yeah, well, for some of us,
the madness never ends.

[Virginia laughs]

[door closes, locks]

Never forget,
the man you beat senseless deserved it.

Please don't talk about
people deserving things.

If it wasn't for you, a little man
called Archie Bruce would be dead.

What you want,
justice next?

I know that you had
a bad break,

- but going forward...
- "Going forward"?

When lockdown is over
and we are apart,

you have to stop believing
that fate is against you. Okay?

You have to stop believing
the name Paxton

is a precursor of doom.

Yes, well,
my name isn't Paxton.

Yeah.

[steam hisses]

[Linda groans]

Paxton, you can't go through with
this, you're gonna get caught.

If you're doing it for cash,
I'll give you the cash.

I am not doing it
for the cash.

I'm doing it for the opportunity
to have a better life.

But why am I telling you?

[chuckles]

[sighs] Fuck.

[rain pattering]

[man] Paxton.

[motorbike revving
in distance]

[Paxton exhales]

[brakes screeching]

Oh!

Oh.

Fuck 'em.

And Linda seemed kind of
detached from the whole thing.

Hey.

Detached?

Hi, Linda.

We were talking about you.

We were all just saying

that we love that
you're always so professional.

Detached from what
whole thing?

I was saying
you handled the situation

with Events without too much
feeling getting in the way.

You fired them well.

I did. Thank you.

Good.

Linda, is that
a glass of wine?

Oh, yes, yeah, it is.

Well...

it says wine on the label

but it tastes like something used
to clean something off of a surface.

Paxton chose it.

Who's Paxton?

[Linda] Mmm, anyway...

we have a problem,
so shall we get on?

Hello, Martin.

Hello, Edgar.

You know,
from my observation of you

since I joined the company,

you represent the longest
and most well-managed

nervous breakdown
in history.

Why don't you go somewhere
warm and count your grievances?

I've disinfected the van
for you.

Everything you need
is in there.

You know, when Malcolm told me he was
giving you an A2 security clearance,

I advised him against it.

B2B normally keep
lowlifes like you

away from high-value cargo
for a reason...

Temptation.

You forgot to put the keys to the
van inside the envelope, Martin.

I've read your
human resources profile.

My personal record is meant
to be confidential,

but for your
personal record, Martin,

I'm a different person now.
Give me the fucking keys.

Perhaps Malcolm
didn't tell you.

The estimated value
of tonight's cargo

out of Selfridges
is £50,000.

The value of your collection
from Harvey Nichols on Friday

is just under £100,000.

But on Saturday night,

when you go to Harrods,

you'll be driving away from the
world's most glamorous department store

with jewelry and accessories
in your van

worth over
three million pounds.

Now think on this.

You'll be wearing
a mask and gloves,

you'll be using
a false identity.

Outside, the streets
will be empty.

Store security
on quarter staff

with big holes
caused by absences.

What more could
a lowlife need

to pull off
the perfect robbery.

You refer to me as "lowlife"
one more time...

You'll what?
Revert to type.

Okay, here goes,
one more time.

Lowlife.

You know, Malcolm told me that if
you do okay in the next few nights,

he's gonna put you
in customer services.

Goin' out
and meeting clients.

'Cause you're so funny

and you're so dry and
you make the girls laugh.

Whereas I've been stuck
in dispatches

for seven and a half years.

You have to stop thinking the
whole world's against you, Martin.

Do it, Paxton.

Take the opportunity
that fate has given you.

[wind howling]

Exactly how much product do
Eve Schwarz have in Harrods?

Uh, approximately three million
pounds' jewelry and accessories.

Harrods wants everything
out of the store

and it's
our responsibility...

Oh, you've frozen, Linda.

[Linda] Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you,
just your face is frozen.

You've got this look
of exasperation.

Uh, someone's gonna have to go into
Harrods and pack the valuables up

and check the inventory
and count everything out.

And it's gonna have
to be someone that we trust.

Someone who is familiar
with the stock,

and knows how
the Harrods system works.

So that means, inevitably,
it's going to be me, isn't it?

Okay, but there's this,
another second reason for this call.

Michael Essien has decided.
He wants to give you a promotion.

[woman]
He wants to bring you home.

Back to New York
to run the East Coast.

Uh...

Wow, God. Um...

Exciting.

A unexpected
turn of events

and cheap wine
don't pair well together.

Um, I'm gonna have to, uh,
really think about this.

Uh, right, good night.

Yeah, thank you.

I mean... [hesitates]

- [man] Linda, it's exciting...
- [line disconnects]

[Linda exclaims]

A frozen look
of exasperation.

[man on radio] ...and that is his
second son, Carl Philipp Emauel Bach

and here's his Symphony No. 4.

[classical music
playing on radio]

[clanging]

It's just that after
our call last night,

we became worried about
Paxton's state of mind.

We worry that
he might implode or explode.

[Maria] Knowing Paxton,
he'll probably implode rather than explode.

What's the difference?

[Maria] When you implode,
you withdraw within yourself,

when you explode,
you impose yourself on the outer world.

David, for example,
when he gets angry, he implodes.

When I get angry,
I explode.

- I can also explode if I have to.
- Rarely.

[chuckles] You've obviously never
seen me in business meetings.

Well, actually I have.
Since lockdown.

[David] You've heard me through the
wall, you haven't seen me.

[Maria] Okay, then,
I haven't heard you explode.

I've actually been
very surprised

about how submissive you are
in meetings.

- Submissive?
- You're the boss, David, you should act like the boss.

- Anyway, just to reassure you, Paxton's okay.
- [indistinct argument]

In fact, Paxton maybe
getting a promotion.

Linda, are you
drinking alone?

No, I've got three firemen
waiting for me in the kitchen.

Since lockdown, David has
been drinking so much more.

Yes, David,
isn't it wonderful?

We now keep a record.
We count the bottles.

- I don't care.
- Your body cares.

Your body counts the bottles and
keeps an inventory in you liver.

David, my fellow drinker,
I'd like to tell you a secret.

- What secret?
- You know, Linda,

there have been many
occasions in my life

where I've had a few glasses of
wine and in the next morning,

I woke up like, "Golly. Wow.
I wish I hadn't said that."

Oh, I've done that
so many times, too.

You know, my mantra is,
secrets and wine

- don't go great together.
- Let her tell me the secret.

I think he's gonna
like this secret.

I think you're gonna like this
secret, David, very much.

Something he's gonna like,
you don't know.

- No, he might not.
- What the fuck are you two talking about?

- [Linda] The secret is this.
- He might not be in a place

where it's okay.
He watches Fox.

It is I who am buying
Paxton's motorbike.

[David] What?

When he said he was
selling it,

I arranged a dealer
to buy it anonymously.

I'm gonna buy it
and give it back to him.

My parting gift.

For a while I've known
I had to leave him.

But...

But losing the bike, yeah,
that's too much.

And the bike means
something to me, too.

You know, youth.

Cigarettes. Bad, bad wine
chosen by Paxton.

[sighs]

- [David] Wow, that's...
- Linda, that's awesome.

But here's the thing, David.
I want you to tell him

that it's you
who is buying the bike

and giving it back to him.
I don't want him to know that it's me.

[David] Why?

It'll hurt him less.

He really
is quite prehistoric.

[breathes heavily]

I'm a bit drunk
and I hate people

who get emotional
on these things, so...

[call ends]

[exhales]

[sobbing]

Fuck.

[saucepans clanging]

[woman] Making noise
for the NHS.

[man on radio] We've got
Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 3.

[horn honking]

- [Paxton] Whoo!
- [classical music playing]

[yelling]

Whoo!

[horn honking]

[yelling]

[people cheering]

Hey.

Couldn't sleep.

If the wine didn't work,
go and lick the garden.

[Linda chuckles]
How was it tonight?

Every security person I met
was under the age of 12,

and every one of them was
too busy playing Fortnite

to fully acknowledge my ID.

Anyway, I think for the young
generation, great literature is dead.

I could have had an ID card
with William Shakespeare on it.

[chuckles] How many more
pick-ups do you have?

Um, tomorrow,
Harvey Nichols

and then,
Saturday, Harrods.

[gulps]

[coughs] Harrods?
Saturday night?

It's all gone mad
out there.

One of the security guards was
telling me about franchise managers

are taking out diamond rings
and watches in plastic bags

and getting into Ubers.

What are you
taking out of Harrods?

I don't know.

Martin says it's over
three million pounds worth.

No co-drivers
'cause of COVID.

Carrying it to where?

Uh, the docket says Heathrow.
Ten o'clock flight to New York.

Harrods to Heathrow,
Saturday night,

three million pounds,
ten o'clock flight.

Look, there's the hedgehog.

Oh, no, he's gone.

[rain pattering]

Ah, he's gone.

How was your evening?

Okay, um, Paxton.
Here it is.

You can't do that pick-up
at Harrods on Saturday.

You really can't.

What are you talking about?

Okay, do you remember
once I asked you,

do you believe in God,
and you said that

you believe that he's busy
on another project,

but occasionally he puts
his head around the door?

Well, I think this may be
one of those occasions,

'cause God or fate or the virus or
somebody put our paths on the cross.

[inhales]

On Saturday, I will be in
Harrods packing up the cargo

that you are due to carry.

Fuck.

What are you
talkin' about? I...

I have to do the pick-up.

If you do,
you will be caught.

It doesn't matter
what name you're using.

It's a fake name and I have
implemented cross-checks.

You won't make it
past the door.

I know, because it's my
system that will stop you!

I'm sorry. And what the fuck,
don't even begin.

I can't fucking
get anywhere!

I mean...

Can't you just tell them
that you know me?

That...

That you know I can be trusted.
That I am your...

That I was your partner.

- What?
- It doesn't work like that.

And I...

Since joining Miracore
three years ago,

I haven't told anyone
I have a partner.

Partly because I wanted
to keep work separate.

Yeah, but mostly because
you were embarrassed

to have a partner
that drives a van.

Yes. All of the above.
I... [exhales]

But now,
I am looking at myself.

Since lockdown,
I'm looking back at myself

like that was then
and this is now.

Well, good for you, Linda,

but if I don't make this
collection on Saturday night,

then, not only will Malcolm
not promote me,

he will fire me.

I could always
start dealing heroin.

Lowlife is lowlife.

No job. No bike.

No you.

When I worked at Harrods,
I had so much fun.

I knew everyone.
Everyone knew me.

Most of them
still work there...

Is there any possibility we might
get back to me for a moment?

I mean, I'm the one
whose life is fucked.

No, no, this is about you.

All right, I know all the
security guards, everyone.

- I know the security systems.
- So?

So there is a way for you to
make your pick-up at Harrods

and deliver to Heathrow
without getting caught.

You will get your promotion
and I will get my stock removed

and no one will know.

But we will be
breaking the law.

So you're gonna have to do absolutely
everything I tell you to do.

[alarm ringing]

[Michael] Michael Morgan. Acting
Deputy Head, Harrods' Events Security.

Yes, you are
in my old department.

How's life at Harrods?

I only just joined.
I used to be in the Royal Navy.

Oh, quite a change then.

Not really. No, Harrods
is like a big ship.

[Linda] Oh. Okay.

I mean, there are,
obviously, huge differences.

Of course.

Yeah, and not just in terms
of the shape of the building

or the fact that
it doesn't float.

- You know, it's...
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the working environment
must be very different, I imagine.

Yes, it is.
Lot of women here.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Yeah, on the ship,
there was only four.

And, uh, two of them
were called Karen.

Called them Karen one
and Karen two.

I think Kate's
meant to be joining us?

- Kate Smith, yes, from Events.
- Oh.

When I knew her,
she was Kate Wiley.

She must have
gotten married.

Yeah, she did get married, yeah,
but it all went horribly wrong, I think.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

What happened?

I don't know. They don't talk
to me about that sort of thing.

- [laptop chimes]
- Linda!

Katie!

Oh my God,
Oh, my God. How are you?

Oh, my gosh. You know,
I'm surviving.

Linda, you have gone off
like a rocket!

- Oh, stop.
- I mean, my God.

When they said
CEO Miracore,

I thought, "Okay, God,
some bald man,"

- but then I saw your name.
- [Linda laughs]

Linda was just asking what went
wrong with your marriage. She...

- was just askin'.
- No. No, no, no. I wasn't. I didn't.

When a man is shorter
than you

and then suddenly decides

to let his beard grow
very, very long

and then becomes obsessed
with so called "white magic,"

it can just get very creepy
very quickly.

- [Linda chuckles]
- Anyway, what can we do for you?

[Linda] I have an update about the
Eve Schwarz clear-out on Saturday.

You see, all the secure freight
companies have been booked

and it looks like our logistics
department was late to the party.

Eve Schwarz, Miracore.
Here it is.

They've booked a freight company
that I've never used before,

so that's why I'm anxious.

Lime green is the color
and, uh...

[Katie] So you're anxious
about the freight company?

It's gonna be
green arrows pointing...

So if it's okay with you,

I know the Harrods
security system

and I'd like to run the
checks on the driver myself.

Oh, no, no, that's Imran's job.
That's...

Do you remember Imran, Linda?

I love Imran...

Imran is now head
of Events security.

He's Michael's boss.

You got any questions.
I can handle everything.

Let me text him now.

Don't, I'm gonna be the one
with the arrows. So...

[knock on door]

[door opens]

Okay. Done.

Tomorrow, I'll run you
through the system myself

and then get you
into the store.

After that,
what can go wrong?

Hey, great. Thanks.

I really appreciate
you doing this for me.

- What's the matter?
- I don't know.

Days are passing quickly.

When I woke up this morning,

it really hit me
for the first time.

The reality of what's
happening hit me.

The lockdown
will eventually end.

Then...

the love of my life
will be gone.

Paxton, you will move on
from this. You will heal.

There'll be a huge hole
in my life.

You'll change and grow.
And...

Eventually you'll...

you'll meet someone else.

You were talking about
the bike, weren't you?

Yeah. Why?

[chuckles] The bike is one
of the loves of my life.

And I am one of the holes?

Obviously you're
the biggest hole.

Oh, why, thank you.

[Paxton laughs]

I was gonna take
the bike out today.

The streets
are completely deserted.

I was gonna call it
"Lockdown-one-last-ride."

I thought maybe...

Oh, no, I can't
go with you, Paxton.

No. I have
an important meeting.

An open road
and a broken heart.

Don't kill yourself.

- Linda!
- Michael.

How are you coping?

You know, it's been
quite difficult.

- [laughs] I can imagine.
- Mmm.

- [motorbike engine starts]
- You know, I'm locked up on a mountaintop

with only eagles and bears
and my family for company.

[Linda whispers]
Please don't kill yourself.

What?

I said it must be nice
to have time to yourself.

Anyway, before we get on to
the exciting business of you

and your big decision
to come home to New York,

the good news is that we have found
a buyer for the Harris Diamond.

Uh, actually, I haven't decided
to come home to New York.

The buyer saw the diamond
on the virtual presentation

that you put together
ahead of the store takeover.

That's great. Who is it?

[laughs]
In our new world, Linda,

one does not ask who.
He's anonymous.

But I can tell you this.
He's, um...

A very unpleasant member
of a very unpleasant family

who run a very unpleasant
country in a very unpleasant way.

Oh.

He is facilitating Miracore
in his country

and so I've brokered the purchase
of the diamond personally.

Harrods themselves will
have nothing to do with him,

so I have acted
as go-between.

Hurray for us, no?

Yes, hurray for us.

Uh, will he be wanting to
pick up the diamond in person?

He is not allowed into the UK.
Something to do with, um...

Money laundering?
Human rights abuses?

Anyway,
the big question, Linda,

the issue at hand here
is the future of Linda.

When will you
be coming home?

Um...

Well, I've decided to leave
my decision about New York

until after lockdown
is lifted.

- Okay.
- I have lots of ties in London.

Uh-huh. I was told
that you're single.

[chuckles]

Actually, that was never
true, but actually now it is.

The fact that you are single is one of the
reasons I want you to come to New York.

I'm planning to get to know
more about you.

You...

You fascinate me, Linda.

So tough on the outside,

but inside,

are you tough?

Do you remember
when you came to Paris?

That evening,
after the meeting,

I was going to take you
out to dinner.

I was actually going to try
to seduce you that night.

Well, I can only speculate what kind
of evening that might have been.

But I suspect it would have
involved broken glass.

Anyway, uh, should I
send the diamond

to this probable
mass murderer's home

or should I send it straight
to his torture chamber?

What?

Where would you like me
to send the diamond?

Ah, send it to New York.

Um, because of COVID,
it will be couriered directly

to a safe vault
in Wall Street.

There'll be no one
to check it there,

so please make sure that the
verification papers are in the box.

Got that?

- Um...
- For many of our new wave of clients,

the act of acquisition
is an end in itself.

Okay. See you in New York, Linda.
Take care.

Well, I...

[call ends]

♪ Stand and Deliver ♪

♪ I'm the dandy highwayman ♪

♪ Who you're too scared
To mention ♪

♪ I spend my cash
On looking flash ♪

♪ And grabbing
your attention ♪

♪ The devil take your stereo
And your record collection ♪

♪ The way you look
You'll qualify ♪

♪ For next year's
Old age pension ♪

♪ Stand and deliver
Your money or your life ♪

♪ Try and use a mirror
No bullet or a knife ♪

[siren blaring]

[Linda screams]

♪ No bullet or a knife ♪

[Linda]
Don't be ridiculous, Linda.

[panting]

[reporter on TV]
A shortage of medical masks,

people are making their own
from old clothing.

But the WHO said it doesn't
know whether homemade masks...

[Linda] Hey.

- Where'd you go?
- [Paxton exhales]

Peckham Rye.

- Why?
- I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

I was just driving
really, really fast, [laughs]

because I was being chased
by the police.

- What?
- I was playing a new lockdown game.

Green for stop,
red for go.

Fuck!

Did they get
your license number?

No, I'm too fast for 'em.

I'm a streak of light on an
empty road in a deserted city.

I'm the last man alive.

I let the road direct me and I
achieved that moment of transcendence

where the bike becomes
part of your body.

I found myself in South London on some
sort of urban farm with a petting zoo

and I hid among the goats.

Remember the goat was my totem
animal when we were pagans.

I sat with the goats and then resumed my
journey as the police cars drove past.

I was in Peckham.

I bought you cigarettes.

And I had one myself.

My first real, real one
in ten years.

And you were right,
tobacco tastes like youth!

And real is real,
and real tobacco is me really,

and I want another one
right now

and I'm gonna have one.

[breathes heavily]

[indistinct talking on TV]

You have a look in your eyes
I haven't seen in a long time.

I don't mean
to frighten you.

I'm not frightened.

Remember I told you about the
glass horse and jockey in Paris?

No, I'm still with the goats.
They had blue eyes.

I held the horse and jockey
by the jockey

and swung it around and...

And I remembered how it felt
to be a rider

and to feel like you're a part
of the thing that you are riding.

It's a sexual feeling.

Yeah, it is.

[exhales] I now wish
I'd come with you.

Really?

Paxton,

for a long time,
I've known that our relationship was over.

And for a long time, the only unbroken
thread between us has been sex.

Go on.

I'm finding this moment
difficult because...

I made a vow
this wouldn't happen,

so could you just
take the leather jacket off

and go hold a tea towel
or something?

- Hold a tea towel?
- Or buy some milk, it would help me.

- We have milk.
- Or bake bread. That would definitely kill the moment.

I just want to get
on my bike and ride

and fuck the world.

Okay, Paxton,
here it is.

Probably as a result
of lockdown,

you have a mad urge to ride your
motorbike through red lights.

And as of two hours ago,
I have a mad urge

to steal a diamond
worth three million pounds

from a mass murderer

and quit my job
and become an artist.

[snickers] What?

But I think
the most practical thing

we can do to get this
madness out of our system

is that I break my vow and
we go upstairs right now

and have sex.

"Lockdown-one-last-ride."

Goats, now this.

What a fucking day.

[classical music playing]

Hi. Yeah, she's, uh, she's just changing.
[chuckles]

Oh, by the way,

you ever heard of a poet
called Edgar Allan Poe?

- What?
- Yeah, never mind.

All right. One second.

[man on radio] You're listening
to Drive Time with Dominic.

And this is
George Frideric Handel.

[classical music playing]

[automated voice on phone] Please hang up
or press the hash key for more options.

Uh, Linda, I'm just calling
to say that

I know this afternoon
didn't mean anything,

but I want you to know that
it would have felt like, uh...

like South Dakota

that afternoon
when it rained.

And also, I have
this bizarre memory

that just before we strayed
from the path of righteousness,

you said something
about stealing a diamond.

[Paxton over phone] ...you said
something about stealing a diamond.

Did I imagine that?

- [Linda] Oh, God!
- [woman speaks indistinctly over phone]

Thank you.

No, Grandma, I am not
seriously considering it.

[alarm ringing]

Fuck.

[alarm ringing]

[reporter on TV] This is where the
patients usually recover post-surgery.

But now, it's needed for COVID-19
overflow from intensive care.

Hospitals are having to adapt
their spaces and practices

to be able to deal
with Coronavirus.

[nurse on TV] I've been a
nurse in ICU for 18 years

- and I've never seen...
- [TV shuts off]

All right.

Big Saturday. Harrods.

The grand deception.

You have to tell me exactly
what it is we have to do.

Paxton...

[grunts softly]

Sit down. Wait there.

This is just us organizing what
it is that we're gonna do, okay?

It's nothing else.

Why, what else
would it be?

Nothing. Why do you ask?

Are you okay?

Me? I am okay.
I am intensely okay and normal.

Okay. Background.

Harrods. The top part
is the public area.

But below ground,
there are seven floors.

Floors where merchandise
is stored

and lots of tunnels

where expensive items
such as jewelry

are transported
to secure elevators.

All grown up
and glamorous above

and efficient
and scary below.

Security at Harrods
is unbelievably tight,

it would be impossible
to get inside

to actually
steal something.

Steal?

Who's talking about
stealing anything?

Everything is normal.
Paxton, stop being weird.

It's not me being weird.

I mean, you clearly appear
to have a hidden agenda,

which is not really that hidden,
but I don't know what it is.

Also, you've got
a smudge above your eye.

Did you get my message
on your phone last night?

About South Dakota?

And about a diamond.

Paxton, what is
the matter with you?

- There's nothing the matter with me.
- Seriously?

Yesterday, you were talking
about stealing a diamond.

You were,
I'm not imagining it.

And today, you are drawing
Harrods like it's, uh,

some kind of secret plan
in a secret heist movie.

How can you draw a rectangle like
you're in a secret plan? I don't...

Do you have
a secret plan?

You know... [chuckles]

I saw my grandmother's
face yesterday.

I told her, "It's okay,
Grandma, I am fine.

I'm not going to do
anything stupid."

You said the diamond
is called a Harris Diamond.

Oh, Paxton, come on.

It's Saturday.
It's morning.

All the weird 4:00 a.m. fantasies and
options have gone away as they always do.

Tell me about
the diamond.

There are
two Harris Diamonds.

- What?
- There are two Harris Diamonds, okay. God!

- Why are there two?
- [exhales deeply]

Do you think I slept at all
last night, Paxton?

Well actually, no,
I didn't.

And what was it
that kept you awake?

Harris Diamond one,
Harris Diamond two.

One is real,
the other is fake.

Whenever a diamond of this
value is exhibited in store,

they use a replica
of the real thing

to put
into the public area.

The actual diamond is
kept safe in the vaults.

Currently, the replica

is on display here
on the ground floor.

But your real Harris Diamond
is here in the vaults.

Tonight,
at exactly 7:00 p.m.,

you and I will be escorted
to the vaults by security

to collect
the real Harris Diamond.

We will then go
up the ground floor

in a secure elevator
where we add the diamond

to the rest of the Eve
Schwarz collection.

Then, right there at 7:30 p.m.,
we will have the real diamond

and the very good replica
diamond, side by side,

next to each other,
almost indistinguishable.

And because
of COVID restrictions,

the only people that will
be there are you and me.

So, then we put the real
diamond into a secure box

and send it to New York,
and we take the glass replica

and I put it in my purse,
we take it away for disposal,

and that is what we are going
to fucking do,

exactly that and nothing else.
Grandma, I love you.

May I ask
a very obvious question?

No, you may not.

What would happen if we sent
the replica to New York

and kept the real thing?

I'm assuming that as soon
as it got to New York,

someone would realize
that it was fake.

No, they wouldn't.

That is why
I couldn't sleep.

Whichever one we send
to New York,

it will go into a secure
vault in Wall Street

and won't even be looked at
by another human being

for 20, 50, 100 years.

Holy fuck.

Three million pounds,
tax free.

No consequences.

One for me, one for you,
one for the NHS.

You have thought
about this.

You know,
I need to go meditate.

Are you sure they
won't check it in New York?

Shut up.
I need to meditate.

What were you going to say?

The man who bought
the diamond is bad.

He's really bad,
and you and I are good.

And the NHS is good.
And good is better than bad.

When I explained
all that to Grandma,

even she said,
"Well, yeah, that's true."

And she was a Calvinist,
straight as a rod.

Unlike me, who is weak
in the face of temptation.

[inhales deeply]

Live wild or die, Linda.

Paxton, you're forgetting
something very important, okay?

Assuming that
we do this thing,

which we definitely won't,

how would two ordinary people
like you and me

find a way to sell a three
million pounds stolen diamond?

Okay, that was it.
That was my last attempt

to find a logical reason
why we shouldn't do this,

but you are going to say
"Archie Bruce," aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Archie Bruce.

Over the years,
I've kept up with the guys.

I mean, Archie Bruce,

he's graduated
from stealing motorcycles

to stealing vintage cars

and fine art and jewelry.

I mean, he'd have Mr. Harris
in a penthouse in Moscow

before the banging
of the next saucepans.

And he'd do a preferential
deal with you,

because you stepped in
one night and saved his life

at a roadhouse in Watford.

Circle of life,
something like that.

[sighs]

With Archie Bruce,
the nightmare began.

Maybe with Archie Bruce,
the nightmare ends.

So, what are we
going to do, Linda?

Okay, Paxton, here it is.

We decide tonight.

When we're there at Harrods
with the diamonds,

we're gonna know what's right
and what's wrong.

We'll decide in the moment.

Or let the moment decide.

What's the difference?

Fate versus free will.

Who controls our destiny?

Is everything
part of a plan

or do we fuck things up
for ourselves?

Tonight at 7:30,
we find out.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, half-brother.

What, now?
You wanna Zoom?

All right,
give me a minute.

[video chimes]

Ah, Paxton,
how are you?

Actually, I am at a fork
in the road.

Really? Then perhaps
what I have to say

will have some bearing
on which fork you take,

because it is
sort of road related.

[David chuckles]

You see, Paxton,
the other day when you said

you want
to sell your motorcycle,

I thought, "Wait a minute.
Time out. Not so fast."

And then, after I cut the
call I thought about Mom.

Mum?

How she would feel
about you having to sell

your most
precious possession,

while at the same time,
over here

in the beautiful
Hudson Valley,

your brother, your half-brother
isn't having it so bad.

You know, when the cherry trees
in your orchard get a fungus,

it sucks,
but there are worse things.

Yeah, not for the cherry tree.
[chuckles]

Maybe worse for a cherry tree

is the steady tread
of George Washington

as he approaches
with an axe in his hand

and a head
full of good intentions.

Anyway, I wondered what Mom
would want me to do.

Well, remembering Mum,

I think she'd want you
to get to the point.

Okay, Paxton, here it is.

It is I who has bought
your precious motorcycle.

The purchaser
of your bike is me.

And I am
giving it back to you.

My gesture,
half-brother to half-brother.

Your bike is yours
once more.

Don't thank me, Paxton.

Please. No need.

All I ask, the only thing
I ask of you, Paxton,

is that you are kind to
yourself from now on.

That you learn from this.

That the world
does not hate you.

That, yes, sometimes fate
seems harsh and cruel,

but people really do
what good...

Hey, David,
it's Linda. Hi!

Uh, Linda, I thought I was
just speaking to Paxton.

Yes, I know. I heard, David,
your magnificent gesture,

and I just...
I couldn't stop myself,

I couldn't help myself.
I just had to jump on the call

and say,
"Oh, my God, David.

What kind
of a person are you?"

David bought
my fucking bike.

Yes, I heard. I heard,
and then I heard the sermon,

and I thought, "Wow!

Not only is he so generous
with his cash,

he is so free
with his wisdom."

- [David] Anyway, Paxton, there it is...
- No, no, no.

Don't let me interrupt
this meaningful moment.

What is it that
you were saying, David?

Something about fate
being harsh and...

- [chimes]
- ...cruel?

Hmm.

Why were you mad at him?

- [Linda] I wasn't mad.
- Yes, you were.

It was you.

[chuckles]

You bought my bike.

Paxton, don't be ridiculous.
You heard what David said.

David would never do
something like that,

but he would
take the credit.

Whereas you would do
something like that

and give the credit
to someone else.

You did it 'cause you
felt sorry for me.

Yes, I worried
about what would happen

if you lost everything.

Mainly because I didn't want
anything bad on my conscience.

Confession avalanche,
but also I...

I did it because
the bike represents us.

- And...
- No, no, no.

Pity is over here, all right,
and love is way over here.

Don't pretend
there is a bridge.

But would you still
feel pity for a man

who'd just stolen
a million pounds?

I'd be a millionaire,

and a bandido once again.

Maybe you'd change
your mind.

Maybe we'd ride off
into the sunset.

Paxton...

whatever we decide
to do tonight,

we will go
our separate ways.

The money would mean
that we're both free.

Well, I will factor that

into my decision-making
process.

Thanks for the bike.

[inhales deeply]

[chanting] Om...

[Paxton]
Ladies and gentlemen...

fellow inmates...

I have something for you

before I head off
on the number 27 bus

to meet my destiny.

It's a passage
from a poem

written by T.S. Eliot,

who I'm sure no one
has ever heard of either.

"She turns and looks a moment
in the glass,

hardly aware
of her departed lover.

Her brain allows one
half-formed thought to pass.

Well, now that's done,
and I'm glad it's over."

See you
in the moment, Linda.

[music playing]

[Paxton] This could be
the last bus I ever take.

Oh, I've decided
to go by myself. Thanks.

- [driver] No problem.
- Thank you.

[exhales]

[Martin] Do it, Paxton. Take the
opportunity that fate has given you.

[Paxon grunts]

[engine starts]

[siren wailing]

[sighs]

- Hi, stranger.
- [Charlotte] Oh, my God!

- [laughs]
- I want to hug you.

I can't hug you,
I can't hug you.

I hate this virus.

[blowing kisses]
I'm blowing you kisses.

- Oh, my God.
- [man] Hello, stranger.

- [Linda] Hey, oh...
- [chuckles]

[Charlotte] This place died
when you left.

[Linda] Oh, Charlotte,
I need to know the name

of your personal trainer
right now, seriously.

I actually lost weight
because of stress,

'cause I found out
my girlfriend

was stealing a load of money
from me.

- [Linda] What?
- Long story.

That's not for right now.

- Hi!
- Hi. [laughs]

Terry, yeah.
Terry, guess who's here?

Yeah, have a little look
at Cam 14.

[Terry] Oh, shit,
it's Linda.

So, Linda,
what are you doing here?

[Linda] Oh, I'm not
on the list, because I made

a special arrangement
with Imran,

so I just need a desk
for five minutes.

Or three minutes.
Charlotte, can I?

- Come through.
- [Linda] Okay. Oh!

I need to wait
for my, um, driver.

Oh, hang on.
Excuse me.

[whistles] Hi.
B2B Pro Freight Services?

[Paxton] Yeah.

[Linda] For the Eve Schwarz
collection?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah?

Okay, just wait here
for one second. Okay.

[sighs] We couldn't get
our normal freight service.

[Charlotte]
World's gone mad.

I'm going to have to run a
hundred checks on this guy.

We'll just need
to see his ID.

And Imran said we do need
to check the driver's ID.

Of course.

[whistles] Yeah,
can I see your ID?

Thank you.

Oops. [chuckles]

Oh, my God, Charlotte.

I didn't tell you.
You of all people.

[Charlotte] What?

It's just
the most earth-shattering,

life-changing,
amazing news.

[whispering] I found someone.
I met someone.

- No.
- Yes.

Oh, my God. I thought you were
going to be single forever.

- Me, too!
- Dating app? Bumble?

- What's he like?
- [Linda] He's, uh...

He's a poet.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

[whispering] Yeah, he's like
a really wild poet.

Oh, my God,
that's so romantic.

Hmm, I know.

But listen, I've got a slot
in the vaults at 7:00.

- I gotta get this guy processed. Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Linda...
- Oh, life, life.

Right? You never know
what's coming down the line.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Okay.

[whistles] We're good.

[blows kiss]
Thank you, Mark.

[Mark]
Anything for you, Linda.

Okay, I'm going to
generate you a Harrods pass

that will give you access
to all areas.

- Date of birth.
- [Paxton] January 19th, 1809.

But I didn't have my first
poem published until 1827.

Okay, that's good.
That's good.

You're taking it lightly.
You're not panicking.

January 19th, 1980.

Height, six feet.

- Build...
- Medium athletic.

And inside, I am panicking.

You do realize that we've
both gone fucking insane.

We haven't done
anything yet.

Criminal convictions, none.

So, when does
the moment begin?

- [keyboard clacking]
- The moment when we decide.

In the CCTV control room,

there's a deaf man
who reads lips.

Shut up. Look here.

Why are you good at this?

[mouse clicking]

[printer whirring]

Oh, Linda.

I just need to get
the gentleman's name

in case of a fire, so...

- His name?
- [Mark] Mmm-hmm.

Edgar Allen Poe.

Uh, Edgar...

Edgar Allen Poe.

Great, thanks.

[Linda] This is the first time
Harrods has been closed

in a hundred years.

Everything has to get packed
up and put into boxes.

Pearls, purses,
fine art, fine jewelry.

Diamonds.

[Linda] Yeah. Diamonds.

[elevator dings]

Remember that game
we used to play

when we are alone
in an elevator,

we ask
each other questions,

and we are only allowed
to tell the absolute truth?

Shoot.

What went wrong
with you and me?

When I met you,
I wanted wild and you were wild.

And then, I stopped wanting
wild, and you stopped being wild.

- So, it should have worked.
- Yeah, but it didn't.

- Why not?
- I don't know.

[hesitates] That's the truth.

- [elevator dings]
- [automated voice] Doors opening.

- Are you hungry?
- Yeah.

[indistinct talking]

[classical music playing]

[Linda] We have an hour
until our slot in the vaults,

so what do you want
to eat, Paxton?

There is
literally everything.

With the store closing,
Harrods is gonna give

all of this food away
to a food bank.

[indistinct announcement on PA]

Fine.

Is there anybody watching?

Maybe.

Dream bigger.

Finest beluga caviar?

[Paxton]
So is this the moment?

[Linda] No.

No. We gotta get something clear
before we make up our mind.

This is a black Perigord
truffle from Italy.

It retails for £735.

- For a fucking mushroom?
- Okay.

Okay, that is what we need
to get clear in our minds.

What is the difference
between the cost of things,

and the value of things
to you and me?

So, I'm gonna
make a picnic.

A picnic which
under normal circumstances

would cost us about £5,000.

[elevator dings]

[automated voice]
Door's closing.

[Linda] My precious grandma
was a racist.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

And I've just decided
to take her off

my in-head jury of people

who pass judgment
on what I do.

So, who else
is on the jury?

My dead mother,
God and you.

How come I'm still there?

- [elevator dings]
- [automated voice] Door's opening.

Doors are open,
I don't have to tell you.

I used to come in here
on my lunch break.

[Paxton] So which one of
those paintings do you want?

[Linda] Uh,
I don't want to own one.

You want to paint one.

[sighs]
I just want to paint.

So, this is the moment.

Oh, wait.

- Is the deaf guy looking?
- What?

Oh, I made that guy up
so you would stop talking.

Ah.

Think about it.

£100,000 a year for ten years.
£50,000 a year for 20 years.

- A million pounds.
- [Linda] Yeah.

You could paint.

You wouldn't even need
to sell anything.

- [elevator dings]
- [automated voice] Door's closing.

I never learned
to ride a bicycle.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Never?
- Yeah.

Went straight
to the motorcycle.

Before Christmas,
I had a sexual encounter with Maria,

[whispers] and it was great.

- [elevator dings]
- [automated voice] Door's opening.

Okay, so we've established
that we both want freedom.

- Maria, really?
- Oh, Paxton.

Paxton, we are about to make
the most important decision

of our lives.
Can you concentrate?

Okay, in our
decision-making process,

we haven't yet
discussed morality.

Look at that. That is...

That's a whole city
in lockdown.

Hospitals can't cope.
A million pounds would help.

We'd be doing good.
Plus, I worked it out.

If it's in 50s,
it all fits in one suitcase.

You can leave it on a doorstep.
Take that, Grandma.

- You got rid of Grandma.
- Yes, I did. Thank you.

So, okay, we do it.

Fuck it.

We decide right now.

Okay.

[chuckles]

Previously,
I would have kissed you.

Let's just see
what happens.

- Okay.
- Fuck.

- Maria?
- Okay, it's time to go.

- Really?
- We gotta go to the vaults.

[Paxton] So, are we gonna
do it or not?

[Paxton panting]

- [unzips bag]
- Are you okay?

God, no.

Is God really part
of your in-head jury?

Uh-huh.

And for the record,
God is absolutely fine

with whatever it is
that we decide to do.

[Paxton]
That's good to know.

- [Linda] Hi, there. P.J., right?
- Yes, miss.

[Linda] Lead the way.

Why does the name Edgar
Allen Poe ring a bell?

- [phone rings]
- [groans]

[indistinct chatter]

- [Linda] Thank you.
- You're welcome.

[man] You're shipping
that thing to New York?

[indistinct announcement
on PA]

- [Linda] It's an underwater theme.
- Yeah.

- My idea.
- It's nice.

You're very good at what you do.
What you did.

[Linda] Okay, so we only need
to pack up

the jewelry and accessories.

The clothing
all goes downstairs,

so it shouldn't
take too long.

Yeah, not too long,
so, uh...

Shall I take it out?

Yes. Why not?

[grunts]

[Linda] Okay.

[water bubbling]

[Linda] Do it quickly,
the fish are piranhas.

- What?
- It's meant to be symbolic.

- Symbolic of...
- I don't remember, okay.

Just do it faster.

You'll be fine.

[Paxton grunts]

[breathes heavily]

So, this is the moment.

Just seems so easy.

It's never been
about can we do it, Paxton.

It's about...
should we do it?

And will we do it?
It's about you and me.

And I'm not saying
that we are going to do it,

but if we are, then you would need
to take one step to your left.

So, shall I take the step?

Take the step.
Then, we decide.

Linda...

if we are deciding
in the moment,

then I say we do it.

If we are letting
the moment decide,

then, in my opinion,
the moment is saying loud and clear...

"Put the replica
in the fucking box

and put the real thing
in your bag."

Freedom, Linda,
in one beautiful moment.

[Linda exhales]

[Paxton gasps]

[exhales]

Okay.

Okay.

- It's under control.
- It's under control.

- Under control.
- [softly] Yeah.

I think we should start
with the handbags,

and, uh, [hesitates] we
should get the dust bags...

Linda!

- Linda, it's me.
- [Linda] Donald.

I need to speak to you
urgently.

Um, excuse me,
could you please take a stroll

or something for a moment?

I have some very important
things to say to my colleague.

Uh... Uh-huh.

Uh...

Donald...

Well, goodness,
I thought that I fired you,

but you're here.

Linda, listen. Someone made
an anonymous call

to Miracore head office.

They said that the driver
from B2B

who is carrying
the Eve Schwarz collection

is using a false name.

They said he's got
a criminal record.

[sighs] Grandma, hey.

I came as soon as I could.
Thank God you're okay.

- I'm okay.
- Well, the police are coming.

- The police are coming and...
- They'll be here any minute.

They'll be here any minute.
Okay, that's...

Now we're against
the clock.

Uh, if he's innocent
and who he says he is,

- then everything will...
- Everything will be okay.

And it will be okay, Donald,
because I know what to do.

[hesitates] What do you mean?

- What are you going to do?
- Paxton?

Paxton?

Donald. Paxton.

Paxton. Donald.

Who are you?

I'm Edgar Allen Poe,
obviously.

- She just called you Paxton.
- Yes, Donald, this is Paxton.

And I'm a woman
called Linda Jarvis.

I'm an ordinary woman
who, 60 seconds ago,

made an extraordinary
decision.

[softly] Linda,
what are you going to tell him?

[Donald] What is it
to do with you?

What it has to do
with him is that...

he is my partner and my
lover of ten years standing,

and I think
I'm still in love with him.

- [inhales deeply]
- Really?

But most importantly,
he is also my accomplice.

You see, Donald, just now...
just one minute ago,

I decided... We decided

to steal the Harris Diamond
worth three million pounds.

[sighs] Holy fuck.
Confession avalanche.

[Linda] No, it's okay,
and I know Donald

and also we don't have
a choice,

because Donald
called the police

and they're about to arrive
at any second.

- [Paxton] Oh, fuck!
- Like I said,

it's going to be okay,
because when the police arrive,

we are not going to be here,
we are going to be gone.

- You are?
- Yes, we are.

And Donald
is going to tell them

that he talked to Linda

and she said
that everything's fine,

it was all
a misunderstanding.

And then, he is going
to give them this,

your ID verification.

And you're going to say that
you recognize that driver

from another assignment.

And then, you're going
to tell them a story.

You're going
to tell them a story

about how this driver has an
enemy at work who hates him.

- I am?
- Yes, you are.

And do you know why you're
going to do all this, Donald?

- No. Why?
- Because we are good.

Paxton, Donald,
we three are good.

And the bastards
who told me to fire you

and the bastard
who bought that diamond,

they won't even realize
that it's gone.

- Mention the NHS.
- Yeah. Yes, ooh!

What do you say, Donald?

Will you
lie for us, Donald?

[Donald] I see all this
anarchy is because of lockdown.

Idiotic,
insane fucking lockdown

which has liberated us all.

Donald, we'll give you money.
I'll give you 200 grand.

Fuck the money.
I don't do this for money,

I do this for beauty.

Linda, you are wonderful.

[chuckles] Linda, and he is
your secret bandit lover,

and you are going
to spit in the face

of the global monolith.

During lockdown
I've had time

to think and walk in the park
near my mother's house,

and God, apart from the
dog walkers and the joggers

breathing everywhere, God,
it is a beautiful world.

Even before
the fucking virus,

we were all locked down
in our own routines,

our versions
of ourselves...

Linda, we have to get
the fuck out of here.

Let Donald have his moment.

[Donald]
...never get to work!

I only came here tonight

because I was worried
about you, Linda.

I don't give a fuck
about Miracore,

their fucking diamonds,
I don't care about them.

I want everything
to be stolen.

I will lie for you, Linda,

because this is my moment
to fucking do something!

Mad, all this, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

Who'd have thought a month
ago we'd be doing this.

Not me.

[PA system chimes]

[man on PA]
Paging Edgar Allen Poe.

Edgar Allen Poe,
please report to security.

["Shine On You Crazy Diamond"
playing]

[elevator dings]

[PA system chimes]

[man] Mr. Edgar Allen Poe,

please report
to security immediately.

[Linda] I think
we should speed up.

Don't rush. We're not trying
to evacuate Dunkirk!

Stop there. If you walk,

you should be
on the starboard side.

[indistinct talking]

[Linda] Leave it.
Leave it.

Linda?

- [PA system chimes]
- [man] Paging Edgar Allen Poe.

Mr. Edgar Allen Poe,
please report to security.

It's Michael with
the arrows from Zoom.

- [PA system chimes]
- [man] Mr. Edgar Allen Poe,

please report
to security immediately.

[whispering] Oh, fuck.

You'll have to turn in
your Harrods pass.

You go. Save yourself.

It's me that fate
is fucking with.

Just keep walking.

[Mark] Edgar Allen Poe.

[Mark panting]

You left this
in the office.

You'll need it at Heathrow.

Thanks very much.

Everybody says, uh,
come back soon, Linda,

and we all love you.

Since that night,
we've established

that although we're now
both rich

and no longer have
to do jobs we despise,

the strains of lockdown

are still severely testing
our relationship.

"Happy ever after"
cannot survive

someone hiding
your bag of flour.

Okay, come on. Okay.

Here is your bag of flour.
I just...

I want you to promise me that
you're not gonna make bread.

[Paxton] Why not?

Because of the mess
and the pointlessness

and because it will be inedible,
and like all homemade bread,

it will be a fucking
pointless cannonball.

My dad used to make it
and we had to eat it,

otherwise he would disappear
into his workshop

and make these
hopeless wooden toys.

- Never again.
- Linda, you've lost your mind.

What? I've lost...

You buried a hedgehog

and said a eulogy
over the fucking grave.

And you deliberately stuck a
piece of tinsel on the ceiling

- above the stairs.
- No, it was there all along.

- I almost broke my fucking neck.
- If you'd asked me,

I would have held
the stepladders.

If it had been there
"all along,"

I would have noticed it.

But you haven't noticed
that there was no point

in packing a suitcase

because there is nowhere
you can actually go.

They just extended lockdown
by another two weeks.

Oh, shit.

[exhales] Well...

All that
for a bag of flour

and a definitely
pre-existing piece of tinsel.

And because today
is my birthday.

- [mumbles]
- It's okay.

- I know.
- [chuckles] It's okay.

- It's lockdown.
- No, I knew that.

- Nobody knows what day it is, never mind the date.
- And I got you something.

I got you something
you really, really want.

[chuckles]

Go crazy.

- Another two weeks?
- Another two weeks.

Well, then,
my long suffering public

may need another poem.

[Linda] Hmm.

Counting The Beats
by Robert Graves.

"You, love, and I,
you and I,

and if no more
than only you and I,

what care you and I?"

[Linda laughing]

"Counting the beats,
counting the slow heartbeats,

the bleeding to death of time
in slow heartbeats,

wakeful we lie.

Cloudless day, night,
and another cloudless day,

yet a huge cloud will burst
upon their heads one day."

And on that day,
lockdown will end!

["Wigwam" playing]

"Only here,
as we are here, together,

now and here,
always you and I."

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull