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>> OHH!

OH, SHIT!

YOU'RE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.

YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE LIKE IF THE SUNSET AND

THE SUNRISE -- THEY MET

SOMEWHERE AND THEY MADE LOVE.

YOU'D BE THAT BIRTH.

>> OH, MY GOD.

YOU ARE SO GOOD WITH YOUR WORDS.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A

J.C. PENNEY MODEL!

>> YOU'RE MY BREAKFAST BEER.

YOU KNOW THAT?

>> MM-HMM, BUT I'M GONNA GIVE

YOU FRITO TOES.

>> FUCK, YES.

GET IN HERE. COME ON.

SHIT! NO! FUCK!

OH, I GOT TO -- SHIT.

I-I GOT TO GO.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO RAIN-CHECK

ON THE FRITO TOES.

>> WAIT. WHY?

>> BECAUSE MY SIS IS GETTING

MARRIED, AND I'M FUCKING LATE!

>> WELL, I'LL COME WITH YOU.

>> NOT A GOOD IDEA, ACTUALLY.

YOU CAN'T GO WITH ME 'CAUSE I

FORGOT TO R.S.V.P. OR WHATEVER,

AND THEY'RE NOT GONNA KNOW IF

YOU WANT CHICKEN AND ALL THAT

KIND OF SHIT.

I DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR A DRESS,

SO...

LOOK, YOU'RE AWESOME, SERIOUSLY,

AND YOU ROCKED ME LAST NIGHT.

THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.

BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S REALLY

WORKING OUT BETWEEN

THE TWO OF US.

WE DON'T COMMUNICA--

GOD DAMN. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

THAT'S MY FAVORITE BAND!

>> BUT YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME.

>> NO. NO.

I DEFINITELY DID NOT SAY

I LOVE YOU.

>> YES, YOU DID!

WHEN I SHOWED YOU WHAT I COULD

DO WITH MY LEG, YOU SAID, "I

LOVE YOU!"

>> NO, I DID NOT!

I SAID THAT YOUR HAIR SMELLED

LIKE THE ELEPHANT-EAR STAND AT

THE FAIR, AND I SAID THAT THERE

WAS PROBABLY A TREE SOMEWHERE ON

SOME EXOTIC ISLAND THAT GROWS

ASSES JUST LIKE YOURS.

DAMN IT!

WELL, YOU CAN'T BELIEVE

EVERYTHING THAT A MAN SAYS WHEN

YOU LET HIM DO SOMETHING

LIKE THAT!

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> JESUS! WHO DO YOU THINK

YOU ARE -- MY MOTHER?!

YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AFTER WE

DEPLOYED THE AIR BAG.

>> YEAH, BECAUSE THAT WAS

AMAZING!

I SAID I LOVED THAT!

"THAT WAS AWESOME," IS WHAT I

SAID.

>> GOD DAMN IT!

>> GUS! NO, GUS!

>> WHAT THE HELL DID I TELL YOU

ABOUT TALKING TO MY LITTLE

SISTER?!

>> WE WEREN'T TALKING, GUSTOR!

WE WERE FUCKING!

>> OH, THAT'S IT, ASSWIPE!

>> YOU ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY I

AIN'T GOT TIME RIGHT NOW 'CAUSE

I GOT TO GO TO MY SISTER'S

WEDDING.

>> OH, THAT LITTLE SLUT'S

GETTING MARRIED?!

>> DON'T EVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT

MY SISTER, GUSTOR!

>> OHH! MY TOOTH, DAMN IT!

GOD DAMN IT!

>> TAKE ME WITH YOU.

>> GOT TO GO. CAN'T DO IT.

SORT THAT MAN OUT AND DON'T

TOUCH MY FUCKING VAN AGAIN!

>> FUCKING LOSER!

>> I FUCKING HATE YOU!

>> END IT.

>> OKAY.

DESTRUCTION!

I OWN YOU.

TAKE IT OFF.

OH, COME ON.

THAT'S THE PARROT DEMON.

I BELIEVE THAT'S 16 PLUS DAMAGE,

32 DEFENSE, 88 MAGIC.

YOU KNOW THE RULES.

NOW STRIP.

>> I WILL NOT.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M SO

EXCITED ABOUT MARRYING YOU,

THOUGH?

>> OH, DON'T STALL.

>> I'M NOT STALLING.

>> LET ME SEE THAT SEXY BUTT.

>> SERIOUSLY, DO YOU WANT TO

KNOW?

>> OKAY. THAT YOU GET TO BE

MARRIED TO ME FOR ALL OF

ETERNITY?

>> NO. IT'S THAT NOW I WILL OWN

HALF...OF YOUR CARDS.

LIKE...

YOU DO THIS EVERY TIME.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

>> OKAY.

>> I'M SORRY.

I HAVE TO GET IT.

>> NO.

>> MM-HMM.

>> NO.

>> MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

I HAVE TO GET IT.

HELLO?

TRAVIS?

OH, MY GOD.

WAIT. YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT?

OH, CHICKEN PICKLE?

YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO.

BYE.

MY BROTHER'S COMING.

>> BROTHER?

WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR, WHAT, TWO

YEARS NOW, AND I HAVEN'T MET HIM

YET?

>> WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS?

>> WHAT? I'M JUST SAYING I'VE

HEARD IT BEFORE.

>> WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T NEED THIS.

>> NO. NO, COME HERE.

>> WHAT? STOP.

YOU KNOW I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> AW, DAMN. YOU NEED SOME HELP?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> GOD DAMN.

>> THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.

PROBABLY JUST SAVED YOU LADIES'

LIVES JUST NOW.

>> WELL...

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.

>> NO PROBLEM.

>> YEAH.

>> IS SHE OKAY?

>> UM...

SHE'S BEEN VERY SICK, AND AN

EVIL HAS COME OVER HER SOUL.

>> YEAH. FLU SEASON CAN BE A

BITCH, RIGHT?!

>> HOW CAN I REPAY YOU?

>> I'VE GOT SO MANY ANSWERS TO

THAT QUESTION, BUT I AM RUNNING

LATE, ACTUALLY.

TELL YOU WHAT -- NEXT TIME

YOU'RE IN TOWN, JUST, UH, LOOK

ME UP.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> LOOK FOR BLACK MAMA.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD FIGURE

SOMETHING OUT.

>> YEAH, I'M SURE WE COULD.

>> YEAH.

WHAT'S THAT SAY?

>> OH, UM, THE BOX -- THE BOX

SAYS, "GOT WILL SAVE US."

>> HELL, I THINK HE JUST HAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO MY SISTER'S WEDDING

RIGHT NOW.

I TELL YOU WHAT -- I'LL GIVE YOU

100 BUCKS FOR THE NECKLACE.

>> NO. NO. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

>> COME ON.

YOU SAID, "HOW CAN YOU REPAY?"

I'LL GIVE YOU $105, GRANDMA.

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

>> DO NOT INVITE DIABLOS AND

STRAY ANIMALS.

>> WHAT?

>> SORRY.

SHE SAYS YOU'RE

TOO DUMB.

UM, YOU WILL HURT YOURSELF

AND -- AND PROBABLY OTHERS.

>> YEAH.

>> PLEASE UNDERSTAND.

>> YEAH. I, UH...

I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.

LOOK, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

LORD ALMIGHTY!

BUT I GOT TO GO.

>> WELL, ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, MR...

>> TRAVIS.

>> MR. TRAVIS.

>> YEAH.

LOOK ME UP.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> BYE, GRANDMA!

>> PSST!

DOREEN, IT'S ME -- HANK.

>> HANK WHO?

>> HOW YOU DOING?

>> THIS IS OUR LAST CONVERSATION

AS AN ENGAGED COUPLE.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

>> MARRIED?

WHAT, WE'RE NOT GONNA GET OLD

AND FAT, ARE WE?

>> YOU SHOULD SEE ME RIGHT NOW.

I'M EATIN' A HUGE

SLAB OF RIBS, AND I'M

CO-O-O-VERED IN GRAVY AND SAUCE.

>> I DON'T CARE

WHAT WE DO OR DON'T DO, AS LONG

AS WE'RE TOGETHER.

>> THANKS, BABE.

NOW PUT AWAY THOSE RIBS AND

LET'S GET MARRIED, HUH?

>> OKAY.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

HANK VON WITZENBURG.

>> I LOVE YOU, TOO...

SOON-TO-BE

DOREEN VON WITZENBURG.

THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD.

I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE, BABE.

>> COME TO PAPA.

YEAH.

AWESOME.

GOT A BLESSING FOR YOU, SIS.

>> BEAUTIFUL CAR, MAN.

>> HI.

>> HI, HAIRCUT.

>> HANK, YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE.

TRAVIS!

>> HI!

OHH!

OHH!

>> OHH!

>> I TOLD YOU I'D BE HERE.

LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

GOOD GOD, SIS!

YOU LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL.

HI.

>> LOOK AT YOU.

>> YOU LIKE?

>> YOU CLEAN UP NICELY.

>> LIKE A PANTHER IN A BOWTIE.

>> HAVE YOU MET HANK YET?

>> WHY? HE HIT YOU?

>> NO!

>> TELL ME -- DID HE?

>> TR-TRAVIS, NO, NO.

HE'S A REALLY NICE GUY.

>> HE BETTER BE.

>> YOU BE NICE TO HIM, OKAY?

>> OKAY. I'LL BE NICE TO HIM IF

YOU SAY HE'S NICE.

I TRUST YOU.

>> OKAY.

>> LOOK.

GOT YOU SOMETHING.

>> WOW.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

>> YOU LIKE IT?

>> I LOVE IT.

>> IT'S AN ANTIQUE -- YOU KNOW,

SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW.

I FIGURED THIS COULD BE YOUR

SOMETHING OLD IF -- IF YOU WANT

TO WEAR IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

YEAH. I LOVE IT.

>> YEAH? WELL, TRY IT ON.

COME ON.

>> OKAY.

LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

>> IT DOES. IT'S PERFECT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> IT'S NOTHING.

DOREEN, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE WAY

I LEFT, YOU KNOW?

I --

>> STOP.

IT'S ALL IN THE PAST.

ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME IS THAT

YOU'RE HERE NOW.

>> THANKS, SIS.

NOW, WHERE'S THAT DIRTBAG WHO'S

ABOUT TO INHERIT THIS HOT MESS?

STILL GOT THAT LEFT ELBOW.

>> OHH. OKAY.

LOVE YOU.

>> LOVE YOU, TOO.

>> I'M GONNA HUMP AGAINST SOME

BRIDESMAIDS.

>> TRAVIS.

NICE TO MEET YOU, FINALLY.

I GUESS I'M THE GUY WHO'S

SUPPOSED TO BE MARRYING YOUR

SISTER, RIGHT?

>> NOT ANYMORE. DOREEN'S GONE.

SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU IT'S

OVER.

SHE FOUND PICTURES.

LITTLE BOYS?

ARE YOU SERIOUS, YOU SICK FUCK?

>> WHAT? DOREEN!

>> HEY, HEY, HEY, MAN, I'M JUST

JOKING WITH YOU, BRO.

MUCHACHO, WE'RE GONNA BE

BROTHERS, MAN!

>> IT'S A JOKE.

IT'S -- IT'S FUNNY.

>> I KNOW.

LOOK, DOREEN TOLD ME YOU'RE KIND

OF A QUIET GUY, SO THE ANSWER'S

YES -- I'LL BE YOUR BEST MAN.

>> SHE SAID WHAT?

>> BEST MAN!

LOOK, I GOT THE GEAR ON.

I'M READY TO GO, MAN.

LET'S DO IT.

>> NO.

I ALREADY HAVE A BEST MAN.

>> WHERE IS HE?

>> IT'S RICK. HE'S JUST --

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHERE HE

AIN'T -- RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE

I'M GONNA BE.

LISTEN, HANK, I KNOW PEOPLE.

ALL RIGHT?

I LOOK AT YOU -- I SEE MAYBE A

LITTLE BIT OF A SHY GUY BUT A

NICE GUY WHO NEEDS A BEST MAN,

AND THAT'S ME.

>> HE'S JUST OUTSIDE.

>> OH. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

YOU NEED SOME BEST-MAN SHIT?

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, I WAS MAKING

OUT WITH THIS GIRL IN A CAR.

SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN 16 -- HELL,

I DON'T KNOW, 15.

THERE WAS A FUCKING HIGH-SCHOOL

BIOLOGY BOOK IN THE BACK SEAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

NOW, THAT'S SOME BEST-MAN SHIT.

I AIN'T NEVER TOLD NOBODY THAT.

>> I DON'T NEED TO BE

HEARING THIS.

>> FAMILY BARBECUE A COUPLE

YEARS BACK...

I SHIT MY PANTS A LITTLE BIT.

I BLAMED THE SMELL ON A BABY.

>> LOOK, I REALLY NEED TO --

>> I BAWLED MY EYES OUT AT THE

END OF "MAJOR LEAGUE," WHEN

CHARLIE SHEEN COMES ON THE FIELD

AND EVERYBODY STARTS SINGING

"WILD THING" TO HIM.

>> ALL RIGHT, PLEASE STOP!

JUST STOP!

>> I GOT A THING FOR UGLY

CHINESE WOMEN, I'VE NEVER BEEN

IN A SWIMMING POOL I DIDN'T PISS

IN, AND FLIP-FLOPS FREAK ME THE

FUCK OUT, ALL RIGHT?

THERE YOU GO!

IT'S ALL OUT ON THE TABLE!

YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO

KNOW ABOUT ME, BUDDY.

>> OKAY.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

>> 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT

BEST MEN DO!

RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.

NICE TALK.

>> I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND

AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

>> YEAH!

YEAH!

>> WHOO!

>> ALL RIGHT!

>> WHOO-HOO!

>> IS THIS THING ON?

CAN YOU GUYS HEAR ME?

ALL RIGHT. UM, HEY.

HEY, HEY.

>> JUST -- RICK, HERE.

TRADE YA, ALL RIGHT?

UH, HEY, EVERYBODY.

SORRY. I'M TRAVIS.

I'M DOREEN'S OLDER BROTHER.

THIS WILL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

UH...DOREEN'S ALL GROWN UP.

YOU KNOW, AFTER OUR MAMA DIED,

DIDN'T TAKE ME LONG TO REALIZE

THAT, UH, I DIDN'T REALLY NEED

TO SPEND TOO MUCH TIME TAKING

CARE OF DOREEN.

SHE WAS ALWAYS THE MORE

RESPONSIBLE ONE.

AND SHE'S TURNED INTO THE

SMARTEST, KINDEST WOMAN I'VE

EVER KNOWN.

BUT WHEN SHE WAS JUST

PINT-SIZED, SHE WAS SCARED TO

DEATH OF THUNDERSTORMS.

AND WHENEVER A BIG ONE WOULD

ROLL THROUGH, SHE'D SLEEP IN MY

BED, AND I'D TELL HER STORIES

AND KEEP HER SAFE.

AND, WELL, HANK, NOW IT'S YOUR

TURN...

TO KEEP HER SAFE FROM THE

STORMS AND HOLD HER WHEN SHE'S

SCARED.

I'M SURE MAMA'S LOOKING DOWN ON

US RIGHT NOW, AND I BET SHE'S

REAL PROUD OF BOTH OF YOU.

SO AM I.

UH...

EARLIER TODAY, GOT A NECKLACE

FOR DOREEN, AND IT CAME WITH A

BLESSING.

I'D LIKE TO READ THAT RIGHT NOW.

TO MY SISTER, DOREEN.

BEAR WITH ME.

IT'S IN PORTUGUESE OR SOMETHING

HERE.

UH..."PARA IS AVERTO SOHO QUAD

MAY US USUA VOS PROTATOS

INFINITIO."

THAT'S THAT.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

LET'S GET DRUNK!

>> DOREEN! SO STRANGE!

ARE YOU OKAY?

>> BABY, ARE YOU OKAY?

AAAH!

>> OHH!

>> AAH! AAH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>> AAH! AAH! AAH!

>> RICKY!

DOREEN!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAH!

NO! NO!

>> SHIT!

>> KEEP PRESSURE ON IT, ALL

RIGHT?

OH, SHIT.

FUCK!

>> JUST RELAX.

WE GOT TO GET HER OUT OF HERE.

GET UP!

>> HELP ME.

>> HANK, GET UP, MAN! GET UP!

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!

>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I NEVER SEEN ANY SHIT LIKE THAT

BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

DANG IT, TRAVIS. DAMN!

SHE JUST WENT CRAZY.

WHAT THE FUCK?

THE NECKLACE, MAN!

IT WAS SCALDING HOT WHEN I

TOUCHED IT.

>> NO, IT'S YOU -- YOU!

>> HANK?

TRAVIS?

WHY AM I BACK HERE?

>> SIS?

>> DOREEN?

>> WHAT AM I DOING BACK HERE?

>> THANK GOD.

>> JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

>> I GOT TO UNTIE HER.

>> GO, GO, GO, GO, BUDDY.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, SIS.

>> I'M GONNA HELP YOU, BABY.

ALL RIGHT. LET ME UNTIE YOU.

AAAAAAAAAAH!

THAT BITCH BIT MY EAR OFF!

WHAT IS IT?

>> HANK!

>> NO!

>> YOU OKAY?

>> AM I OKAY?!

>> GET OVER IT.

SHE WILL NEVER BE YOURS AGAIN.

>> HANG TIGHT.

I TOLD YOU I KNOW A GUY.

>> I DON'T CARE! JUST HURRY!

>> BITCH.

>> HEY, WHAT THE HELL?!

IGGY, MAN, WE NEED YOUR HELP!

>> TRAVIS, MAN, HEY, I'M SORRY.

I ORDERED A PIZZA ABOUT AN HOUR

AGO, AND THE BASTARD STILL

HASN'T SHOWED UP.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?

>> SHOW HIM.

>> THIS.

>> AAAH!

>> HOLY SHIT!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

>> IGGY, WE GOT TO GET HER IN

THE HOUSE, MAN.

>> NO, NO, NO!

NOT IN THE HOUSE! NO!

>> GET HER IN THE HOUSE.

>> DAMN IT.

WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!

>> HIS WIFE.

>> HIS SISTER.

>> OH, SWEET.

>> IGGY...

TROUBLE YOU FOR SOME ICE, MAN?

>> SHE IS TOTALLY SHITTING ALL

OVER MY FêNG SHUI.

>> YOU PICKED UP MY FINGERS?

YOU GOT ANY WHISKEY OR --

>> AAH!

>> TRAVIS...

I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

BRINGING YOUR LOVELY SISTER OVER

HERE.

YOU SEE THIS AND THIS AND THIS

AND ALL OF THAT?

I'M SENDING YOU AN ITEMIZED BILL

FOR DAMAGES.

>> WHAT?!

>> AAH, AAH, AAH!

I AM A COLLECTOR OF RARE AND

UNIQUE ITEMS.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO BUY THIS

STUFF.

I HAVE TO SPECIAL-ORDER THESE

THINGS.

OH, AND WHAT IF SHE HAD BROKEN

MY VELVET PAINTING OF THE

REDHEAD SURFING ON A HAMMERHEAD

SHARK?

HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!

WHAT THEN, HUH?!

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU CANNOT

REPLACE THIS!

I LOVE THIS PAINTING!

>> IT'S A SWEET-ASS PAINTING,

MAN.

>> HEY, LOOK, WE DIDN'T COME

HERE TO MESS UP YOUR PLACE, IG.

TRAVIS TOLD ME THAT YOU COULD

TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY

WIFE.

SO, CAN YOU?

>> OH.

YEAH.

SHE'S FUCKING POSSESSED.

SHE'S SIX KINDS OF CRAZY.

>> HEY, YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

THAT'S MY WIFE YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT!

>> OH. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

LISTEN, KID, NO MATTER WHAT

ANYBODY SAYS, MARRIAGE IS TOUGH

WORK.

>> YEAH, I'VE BEEN INFORMED.

>> LOOK, IG, I'M SORRY, ALL

RIGHT?

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GONNA

HAPPEN.

BUT WH--

I MEAN, HANK HERE WOULD BE HAPPY

TO TAKE CARE OF THAT ITEMIZED

BILL OR WHATEVER.

HERE. LOOK, MAN.

I BROUGHT YOU THIS.

YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE

THAT?

>> OOH.

OH. OH. HOLD IT.

>> UH, WHAT?

CREEPY-ASS BOOK, MAN.

>> YEAH. THIS CRAZY BROAD THAT

I WAS DATING GAVE IT TO ME.

SHE WAS INTO ASPHYXIATION.

>> NICE.

>> SO, WHAT'D YOU DO?

>> I CHOKED HER.

AH! THERE IT IS.

THE INCULTA DEMON.

OH-HO-HO.

YOU GUYS HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF.

THIS BITCH IS ONE CRAZY

DICK-CHEWER.

SHE'S BEEN SEEN IN PARIS,

TOKYO, IRELAND.

IT WAS EVEN RUMORED THAT SHE

TAUGHT GENE SIMMONS HOW TO SPIT

FIRE.

>> OH, WHOA.

>> AND THIS DEMON WORKS QUICK.

72 HOURS, YOU HAVE VERY LITTLE

CHANCE OF EVER GETTING

SUSIE HOMEWRECKER'S SOUL BACK.

>> WELL, YOU GOT TO FIX HER!

I MEAN, YOU GOT TO HELP HER!

>> I'M NOT INTO EXORCISM, MAN.

BUT, UH, THERE'S THIS GUY --

UH, JOHNNY PRIEST. YEAH.

HE'S THE ONLY GUY I KNOW THAT'S

EVER DONE THIS ON THE DOWNLOW.

AND THIS CAT HAS SEEN SOME SHIT,

I WILL TELL YOU.

ONCE HE GOT HIS NIPPLE SPLIT IN

HALF BY A FORKED-TONGUE DEMON.

>> DAMN.

>> AND ONE TIME HE EVEN DID AN

EXORCISM ON A PLANE -- A FUCKING

PLANE!

BUT, UM...

YEAH, NOW HE'S JUST DOING

SHOTGUN WEDDINGS IN VEGAS.

I DON'T KNOW.

PROBABLY GOT HIS BRAIN FRIED --

TOO MANY EXORCISMS, ECSTASY, TOO

MANY ERECTIONS.

NOBODY GETS LAID LIKE AN

EXORCISM PRIEST.

>> NO SHIT?

>> YEAH.

THIS GUY CAN'T BE REAL.

>> HE'S REAL AS SANTA CLAUS.

>> VEGAS IT IS, MAN.

I'LL GO START THE VAN.

YOU GET DOREEN.

>> HOLD IT.

HERE.

THESE ARE HIGH-DOSAGE PROPOFOL

SYRINGES.

THIS WILL STOP BIGFOOT ON A

CRYSTAL-METH BENDER.

THE TRICK IS YOU GOT TO STAB THE

CRAZY BITCH WITH 'EM.

>> HEY.

>> PARDON ME.

POKE THE BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.

>> ANY TIME, FELLAS.

>> YOU'RE IT, MAN.

>> SHIT.

EASY.

EASY, NOW.

AAAAH!

>> GOOD JOB, MAN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

THOSE SYRINGES SHOULD GIVE YOU A

COUPLE HOURS OF QUIET TIME, BUT

USE THEM WISELY.

>> THANKS, BRODIAN.

>> YEAH.

LISTEN, WE REALLY APPRECIATE

THIS.

I'M SORRY WE FUCKED UP YOUR

HOUSE A LITTLE BIT.

>> WELL, THE FIRST TIME I SAW

YOU, I SOCKED YOU IN THE FACE.

CAN'T ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING LIKE

THAT.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK. TAKE CARE.

YOU GET IN TROUBLE, DON'T CALL

ME.

>> YOU GOT IT.

>> THAT'LL BE $16.24.

>> KEEP THE CHANGE.

>> I'M GONNA BE AN 8-FINGER

WIDOW.

>> IT'S "WIDOWER."

AND DON'T TALK LIKE THAT, MAN.

I'M NOT GONNA LET MY SISTER DIE.

>> WHAT -- ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU CARE?

YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN

FIVE YEARS, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU SHOW UP AND YOU'RE SUPERMAN?

>> LOOK, I'M JUST TRYING TO STAY

POSITIVE HERE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU NEED TO DO THE SAME THING.

>> WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK I'M

TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

>> YOU MADE A COMMITMENT.

WHAT IF YOU LOST YOUR JOB OR

DOREEN GOT FAT OR ONE OF YOUR

KIDS, UH, DIDN'T PASS 2nd GRADE?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO -- JUST

GET UP AND RUN?

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT

MARRIAGE, MAN.

MARRIAGE IS WORK.

>> OH, YEAH.

LET'S JUST SKIP THIS WHOLE VEGAS

TRIP, HUH?

YOU CAN JUST DROP US OFF AT

COUPLES' THERAPY.

>> FOR BETTER OR WORSE, RIGHT?

>> SAVE IT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THOUGHT THE WORST THING YOU

COULD DO WAS ABANDON DOREEN.

BUT NO -- YOU POSSESSED HER.

>> WHOA, WHOA.

HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GONNA

POSSESS HER, ALL RIGHT?

AND I DIDN'T ABANDON HER,

GOD DAMN IT.

I HAD A LOT OF SHIT GOING ON

THEN, ALL RIGHT?

>> HER MOTHER DIED.

AND HER BIG BROTHER JUST WALKED

OFF WITH SOME FLOOZY?

>> IT'S NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE,

ALL RIGHT?

>> AND SHE SAID THAT HER BIG

BROTHER WAS GONNA COME BACK AND

GET HER, AND YOU NEVER EVEN

FRICKING CALLED.

SO, I HOPE THAT PIECE OF ASS WAS

WORTH THE SOUL OF YOUR SISTER.

AND DON'T COME IN HERE PLAYING

HERO, SAYING, "I'M GONNA SAVE

THE DAY."

I HATE THAT SHIT...

BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T SAVE A

PIECE OF BACON FROM A VEGAN

DINNER PARTY.

JUST MADE THAT UP.

>> OH, REALLY? REALLY?

I SAVED YOUR FINGERS, YOU LITTLE

FUCKER, DIDN'T I?

>> WOW.

>> AND THAT PIECE OF ASS -- I

MARRIED HER, ALL RIGHT?

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT, DID

YOU?

I NEVER TOLD DOREEN ABOUT IT.

I NEVER TOLD ANYBODY.

AFTER OUR MAMA DIED, I WAS

JUST -- FUCK, MAN, I WAS JUST SO

GODDAMN LONELY AND FUCKING HURT.

I WAS CONFUSED, MAN.

I BARELY REMEMBER MY DADDY.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHO THE HELL I

WAS.

AND THEN BELLA CAME ALONG, MAN.

FUCK, SHE CHANGED MY LIFE, YOU

KNOW?

SHE WAS LIKE THE GIRL OF MY

DREAMS.

SHE WAS JUST SO FUCKING COOL AND

H-H-HOT.

SHE HAD PERFECT TITTIES, MAN,

LIKE TWO LITTLE SCOOPS OF

VANILLA ICE CREAM, YOU KNOW?

I JUST WANTED TO LICK THEM ALL

THE TIME.

AND SHE GAVE THE BEST FUCKING

PULLING SQUIRTS, BRO.

BUT SHE MADE ME WAIT TILL OUR

WEDDING NIGHT, RIGHT, TO MOUNT

THAT --

>> OKAY! ALL RIGHT!

TRAVIS, I DON'T CARE.

IN CASE YOU FORGOT, DOREEN IS

POSSESSED!

>> YEAH?!

WELL, MY WIFE HAD A DICK!

>> WHAT?

>> I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT AGAIN.

>> SH--

SHE HAD A WHAT?

>> A DICK!

JESUS, MAN!

THE WHOLE THING WAS JUST A

GODDAMN LIE!

ALL THE FUCKING TUGGIES AND

MOUTH SEX WAS JUST A PLOY FOR

HER TO GET CITIZENSHIP, MAN.

SHE NEVER EVEN LOVED ME!

THAT'S THE WORST GODDAMN PART,

MAN.

SHE JUST USED ME -- TOOK

ADVANTAGE OF A WEAK MAN WHO

LIKED TO HAVE HIS PENIS PULLED.

>> YOU GOT TO REMEMBER, YOU

COULD HAVE CAME BACK.

>> YOU DON'T THINK I TRIED,

MAN?!

I COULDN'T COME BACK.

I WAS TOO GODDAMN EMBARRASSED.

MY MAMA JUST DIED, AND I RAN OFF

WITH A CHICK WITH A DICK THE

SIZE OF A FUCKING PRINGLES CAN.

HOW DO YOU COME BACK FROM

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I LEFT MY SISTER, MY LIFE,

EVERYTHING.

FOR WHAT?

FOR A LIE -- FOR A GODDAMN

FUCKING LIE!

>> JUST CALM DOWN! I-IT'S OKAY.

JUST CALM DOWN.

>> DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN,

GOD DAMN IT!

I'M CALM!

>> ALL RIGHT.

PEOPLE GET MANIPULATED.

IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS A DORK.

>> LIKE I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW

THAT.

THAT'S NOT A FUCKING SECRET.

YOU'RE A DORK RIGHT NOW,

MOTHERFUCKER.

>> LISTEN. LISTEN.

THERE WAS THIS CHEERLEADER --

CAPTAIN.

HER NAME WAS STACY JACOBSON.

SHE ASKED ME TO PROM.

>> NO SHIT. WAS SHE HOT?

>> OH, GOD DAMN.

>> RIGHT ON. OKAY. GO AHEAD.

>> AND SO, YOU KNOW, IN HIGH

SCHOOL, I WAS THIS OUTSIDER, AND

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I STARTED TO

BECOME POPULAR WITH THE

IN CROWD, ACCEPTED.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE WHOLE THING WAS

A GODDAMN BET.

BROKE ME DOWN.

AND IT WAS JUST BECAUSE HER

FRIENDS DIDN'T THINK THEY COULD

MAKE ME PROM KING.

>> B-U-DOUBLE-L-SHIT, MAN.

THAT'S JUST THE PLOT OF EVERY

FUCKING TEEN MOVIE THEY EVER

MADE.

>> OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, BUT, YOU KNOW, I

REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING THAT

COULD COMPARE TO A TRANNY WITH A

DICK.

BUT...

YOU GOT TO REALIZE SOMETHING.

ALL THE WRONGS...

YOU CAN MAKE RIGHT.

>> YEAH. STAY POSITIVE, MAN.

STAY POSITIVE. THAT'S RIGHT.

WE CAN SAVE DOREEN.

WE CAN FUCKING SAVE DOREEN!

>> HELL, YEAH, BABY!

>> FUCK, YEAH!

>> FUCKIN' RIGHT!

>> FUCK, YEAH!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PULL OVER

FIRST, THOUGH.

MY GIRL NEEDS GO-GO JUICE.

LISTEN, MAN, I'M -- I'M SORRY

ABOUT LAYING ALL THAT SHIT ON

YOU, YOU KNOW?

YOU DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR ALL THAT

ABOUT MY EX-WIFE AND EVERYTHING.

>> YOU MEAN THE ONE WITH THE

DICK?

>> YEAH, HANK -- THAT ONE.

THANK YOU.

DON'T SAY NOTHING TO DOREEN

ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T WANT HER FINDING OUT.

>> YEAH. I GUESS THAT WOULD BE

EMBARRASSING.

>> EMBARRASSING?

DID SHE BREAK YOUR HEART,

TRAVIS?

>> SHE'S UP AGAIN.

>> NO SHIT, DUDE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>> SHOULD WE SEDATE HER?

I DON'T -- IS THAT SAFE?

>> SAFE FOR WHO?

>> DOREEN, YOU IDIOT!

>> GO BACK THERE AND DUCT-TAPE

HER AGAIN.

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- YOU GO

BACK THERE AND DUCT-TAPE HER,

ALL RIGHT?

>> YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING CRASH

THE CAR?

>> I'LL DRIVE!

>> NO.

YOU'RE NOT DRIVING MY VAN.

>> HEY, TRAVIS, YOUR MOTHER'S IN

HELL WITH US.

>> SHUT YOUR HOLE, DEVIL!

>> SO IS DOREEN.

>> DAMN IT! I SAID, "ZIP IT!"

>> WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK HERE?

FUCK ME.

>> OH, SHIT.

>> OOH.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

I HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED,

TRAVIS...

YOUR MOTHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR

DICK.

>> WHAT THE FUCK?!

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A

J.C. PENNEY MODEL!

>> SHUT U-U-U-U-U-U-U-P!

NO. NO, NO. NO! STOP, PLEASE!

>> DAMN IT, HANK!

HELL, HOLD HER DOWN!

HEY, BREATHE, MAN! BREATHE!

I'LL DO IT.

AAAAAAAAH!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

>> I HAD A PANIC ATTACK.

>> YOU THINK I DON'T PANIC?!

BUT I MANAGED TO PULL IT

TOGETHER AND GET SHIT DONE!

YOU PULL THAT AGAIN, YOU'RE

GONNA BE ON THE SIDE OF THE

ROAD.

>> TRAVIS --

>> DON'T "TRAVIS" ME!

YOU GOT A WASHROOM?

>> DO YOU REMEMBER

THE FIRST TIME...

I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU?

YOU WERE GARDENING OUTSIDE, AND

YOU WERE COVERED IN DIRT.

I'M TALKING HEAD-TO-TOE COVERED

IN DIRT.

AND YOU PUT A LITTLE DIRT

MUSTACHE ON YOU AND A LITTLE

GOATEE MUSTACHE ON YOU.

AND YOU WALKED UP TO ME, AND YOU

ASKED ME TO CALL YOU "ROLANDO."

AND THEN YOU KISSED ME.

BABY, I LOVE YOU.

AND I MISS YOU.

AND I JUST WANT THINGS TO GO

BACK TO, YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY

WERE SIMPLE, AND YOU'D PROBABLY

JUST LAUGH AT ME AND TELL ME TO

RELAX.

I'M GONNA FAIL WITHOUT YOU

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO

SUCCEED...

WITHOUT YOU.

SO, IF YOU'RE IN THERE AND YOU

CAN HEAR ANY OF THIS...

BABY GIRL, I JUST WANT YOU TO

COME HOME.

JUST COME HOME, BABY GIRL.

>> HI.

SUDOKU. I LIKE THAT.

>> HEY, UM, IS YOUR FRIEND OKAY?

HE'S LOOKING LIKE HIS ARM'S KIND

OF JACKED UP.

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.

HE, UH -- HE'S A TEST PILOT, AND

HE JUST HURT HIS FINGERS IN A

GARDENING ACCIDENT.

THE THING IS WE'RE TRYING TO GET

CROSS-COUNTRY TO SEE A

SPECIALIST, YOU KNOW?

BUT WE'RE A LITTLE SHORT ON

CASH, SO, UH...

HOW MUCH GASOLINE YOU THINK WE

CAN GET FOR 20 BUCKS?

>> $20 WORTH.

>> HOW MUCH CAN YOU REALLY GIVE?

>> $20 WORTH.

>> SWEET GIRL.

>> UM, YOUR VAN'S DRIVING OFF.

>> YEAH.

HANK!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

>> FINGERS, FINGERS, FINGERS,

FINGERS!

>> DON'T DO DRUGS!

TRAVIS, LET'S GO!

COME ON!

>> DUDE, YOUR FINGERS!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT!

SAFETY FIRST!

OH, CHECK IT OUT!

>> CUT IT OUT, MAN.

THIS CAR HANDLES LIKE A DREAM.

>> THIS VAN'S THE BOOBS.

I KIND OF FEEL BAD PISSING IN

IT, THOUGH.

>> HEY.

HEY, HEY, HEY, NO PISSING, MAN.

STOP -- STOP THE URINE.

STOP THE URINE.

>> ROAD SODA?

>> YEAH, YEAH. ROAD SODA.

AH, SO GOOD.

>> DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

>> I THINK IT WAS THE RADIO.

>> I THINK I'M TWEAKING, MAN.

I'M TWEAKING.

HEY, HEY, I'M TWEAKING.

THERE'S A LADY BACK THERE.

THERE'S NO LADY, MAN.

>> THERE IS!

>> THERE'S NO -- NO, THERE'S NO

LADY.

>> DUDE, CHECK IT OUT!

>> THERE'S A LADY BACK THERE,

MAN!

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!

GO CHECK IT OUT.

>> OH-HO! A LADY!

HO-HO!

I THINK THOSE GUYS SLIPPED THIS

CHICK A ROOFIE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE GUYS

WERE PLANNING ON DOING TO YOU,

SWEETHEART, BUT DON'T WORRY --

WE ARE GENTLEMEN.

>> HEY, HEY, I WANT TO SEE, MAN.

HEY, ARE HER EARS PIERCED?

>> YEAH, BUDDY -- PIERCED EARS.

>> THAT IS SO HOT.

>> YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

OH, WHAT'S THAT YOU GOT THERE?

IS THAT A LITTLE VOMIT ON YOUR

FACE?

AH, THAT'S MY KIND OF GIRL.

DO YOU, DRUNK, PASSED-OUT BRIDE,

TAKE ME TO BE YOUR LAWFUL

HUSBAND?

I DO!

OHH. I DO, TOO.

MARRY US, GATOR.

>> FROM THE POWER INVESTED

INSIDE OF ME, I ANNOUNCE YOU TO

BE MAN AND WIFE.

YOU CAN KISS THE BRIDE NOW.

>> OHH.

THANK GOD I FOUND YOU.

OHH! OHH!

>> DUDE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SIT

THE FUCK DOWN.

IT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.

HEY.

HEY. I'M GATOR.

>> ARE YOU A PRIEST?

>> NO, NO. I'M NOT A PRIEST.

HEY, YOU'VE GOT NICE HAIR.

I WISH THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS HAD

MOPEDS OR SOMETHING!

>> WE GOT TO FIGURE SOMETHING

ELSE OUT!

WE'RE NOT GONNA CATCH THEM LIKE

THIS!

>> SHUSH! SHE'S TALKING TO ME!

>> WHO? DOREEN?

YOU GUYS CAN DO THAT?

>> NO, YOU IDIOT -- BLACK MAMA!

>> YEAH, I HEAR HER, TOO!

SHE'S SAYING, "I'M BLACK MAMA!

I'M BIG! I'M BLACK! I'M SLUTTY!"

>> YOU WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT

MY VAN!

SHOW SOME RESPECT!

NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

>> WHAT IS THAT -- DOREEN?!

DOREEN!

>> AAAAAH!

>> SON OF A BITCH!

>> SHE BIT MY EAR OFF!

>> WHAT'S WHAT YOU GET,

GOD DAMN IT!

>> HA HA! I GOT HER!

NO! AAAAAAAH!

STOP IT! HELP ME! TRAVIS!

HURRY!

>> YOU GOT TO DO IT.

KEEP HER A SECOND.

>> AAH! OH, NO! NO!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AAH! AAH!

ARE YOU FUCKING SICK?!

ARE YOU FUCKING SICK?!

>> RELAX! I'M ON TO SOMETHING!

>> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>> HEY, SIS.

DOWN THE CHUTE, DOREEN.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

IS IT BAD, MAN?

TELL ME IT'S NOT BAD.

TELL ME! TELL ME!

>> WELL, YOU GOT SOME FRONT-END

DAMAGE, PLUS YOU WERE TOWED.

WITH ALL THE BLOOD AND MESS WE

GOT TO CLEAN OUT OF IT, IT'S

GONNA COST YOU JUST A LITTLE

OVER A "G."

>> A WHAT?!

I AIN'T GOT THAT KIND OF MONEY

ON ME, MAN!

HANK, YOU GOT THAT KIND OF CASH

ON YOU?!

>> NOT ON ME, MAN.

I MEAN, I SPENT IT ALL ON GAS

AND FRICKIN' PAINKILLERS.

>> SHIT!

>> SO, WHAT DO YOU FELLAS WANT

ME TO DO?

>> I NEED YOU TO FIX IT, ALL

RIGHT?!

WE NEED IT!

I'M TRYING TO GET AN EXORCISM

FOR MY WIFE, AND, WELL, FIX IT,

ALL RIGHT?!

>> ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL HAVE IT READY BY THE END

OF THE DAY FOR YOU FELLAS.

>> THANK YOU!

BE GENTLE WITH HER --

YOU HEAR ME?! --

LIKE SHE'S YOUR OWN!

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, HANK?!

EVEN IF WE POOL OUR MONEY, WE

AIN'T GOT ENOUGH TO MAKE IT TO

VEGAS, LET ALONE FIX PAM!

>> HEY!

>> AH, MY MAIN MAN, EASY!

>> LISTEN! LISTEN!

YOU CHILL OUT!

YOU MAN UP!

YOU MAN THE FUCK UP!

>> I AM A MAN!

I'M A MAN WHO'S IN LOVE WITH A

WOMAN, AND THE WOMAN IS THAT

VAN, AND SHE'S DYING

ON ME, HANK!

YOU HEAR ME?!

DAMN IT!

>> SHIT.

>> DAMN IT! SHIT!

>> SHE'S SO FAST!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>> GOOD JOB.

>> OH, OH, OH!

>> GOD DAMN IT!

COME ON, DOREEN! STOP!

>> GOOD JOB, BUDDY.

COME ON.

HOLY HELL! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

LOOK! CASH PRIZES, MAN!

SHE TOLD ME YOU USED TO BE A

CHAMPION!

HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE, RIGHT?

>> YEAH. THAT -- THAT WAS BEFORE

I LOST TWO FINGERS, THOUGH!

>> AND PART OF YOUR EAR.

WHAT'S THAT MATTER, MAN?!

WE NEED MONEY! LET'S DO THIS!

>> NO. THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.

COME ON.

>> COME ON.

WE GOT TO GET THE VAN.

SHE'S GOING THIS WAY ANYWAYS.

LET'S NOT FIGHT IT, BUDDY.

IT'S A SIGN. COME ON.

IT'S ON.

>> LET'S DO THIS FOR DOREEN,

HUH?

>> ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

>> STAY PUT, BABY.

BE RIGHT BACK.

>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE!

LET'S EXCITED FOR BEACH

VOLLEYBALL!

WHOO!

BEST GAME, 2 OUT OF 3.

EACH MATCH TO 15.

ARE YOU READY?!

YEAH!

>> TRAVIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

YOU GOT TO WAKE UP, TRAVIS!

YOU GOT TO WAKE UP!

TAKE IT OUT ON THAT BITCH!

YOU BRING IT HOME!

THIS IS IT -- YOUR MOMENT!

REDEMPTION!

>> I'M ON IT!

>> SHIT!

>> I NEVER WON A TROPHY BEFORE.

>> NOT EVEN IN LITTLE LEAGUE?

>> NEVER PLAYED.

>> YOU KNOW, MY DAD WAS A COACH.

I PLAYED, AND I FUCKING HATED

IT.

>> MY DAD WAS AN ASSHOLE --

STOLE FROM HIS OWN FAMILY.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT

IT.

>> NO, MAN.

>> NO, SERIOUSLY.

YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT.

>> LOOK, IF YOU'RE JUST TRYING

TO GET ME TO ADMIT I'M A LOSER

OR SOMETHING, IT AIN'T GONNA

HAPPEN, HANK.

>> HEY, NO LOSER COULD BUILD A

LEASH FOR DOREEN, AND NO LOSER

COULD SPIKE A VOLLEYBALL LIKE

THAT.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.

I JUST HAD SHITTY ROLE MODELS,

YOU KNOW?

MY DADDY LEFT RIGHT AFTER I WAS

BORN, ONLY TO COME BACK 7 YEARS

LATER AND DO THE SAME DAMN THING

TO DOREEN.

>> LIKE A CICADA.

>> I WAS KIND OF THINKING LIKE

AN ASSHOLE FATHER, BUT, YEAH,

CICADA WORKS.

>> SORRY.

>> SHIT OF IT IS I'M STARTING TO

FEEL JUST LIKE HIM, MAN -- SHOW

BACK UP JUST TO RUIN HER WHOLE

LIFE.

>> HEY, LOOK, THAT'S NOT HOW IT

HAPPENED.

>> THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT

HAPPENED, HANK.

>> YOU'RE NOT AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE

YOU HAD A SHITTY FATHER.

YOUR FATHER WAS AN ASSHOLE

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE SOMEONE

LIKE YOU AROUND.

>> THANKS, HANK.

YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.

>> I TRY TO BE.

>> BUT YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT RIGHT

NOW, LITTLE BUDDY.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

I HAVEN'T GOT SLEEP IN, WHAT,

30 HOURS?

I COULD USE SOME SLEEP.

>> I GOT YOUR BACK, LITTLE

BUDDY.

WHEN WE GO PICK UP BLACK MAMA,

YOU GET SOME SHUT-EYE.

I'LL TAKE THE FIRST ROUND.

COME ON.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?

>> THE INCULTA DEMON.

>> YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

AND I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

>> YEAH? LIKE WHAT?

>> ANYTHING.

>> AAH!

>> WHAT THE FUCK?!

>> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

AAAH! DOREEN!

SEDATE HER!

DOREEN, PLEASE STOP!

>> I GOT IT!

>> FUCK!

>> HERE WE GO!

>> HANK, SORRY, MAN.

OH, MAN.

SIS?

SIS?

WHOA.

OHH. WHOA.

HI, DOREEN!

IT'S ME!

HELLO, HANK!

OH, DOREEN!

COME HERE AND GIVE ME A KISS!

I LOVE YOU!

COME ON!

GOOD NIGHT!

SHIT.

AAH-AAH!

OH, SHIT.

NO. DAMN.

UH...WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

>> OH, MORNING, SWEETHEART.

>> OH, MY GOD. I FEEL AWFUL.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

>> OH, I HIT A POTHOLE WHILE YOU

WERE SLEEPING, MAN.

YOU BANGED THE HELL OUT OF YOUR

HEAD.

>> THAT'S SOME POTHOLE.

JESUS CHRIST.

MY FUCKING HEAD IS SPLITTING.

>> YEAH. YEAH.

WE'RE ALMOST TO VEGAS, THOUGH,

MAN.

>> WHY ARE THERE SCRATCHES ALL

OVER MY FACE?!

>> I'M PRETTY SURE YOUR FACE WAS

ALREADY LIKE THAT, MAN.

>> MY FACE WASN'T ALWAYS

LIKE THIS!

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!

>> WHAT DO YOU -- WHAT DO YOU

WANT ME TO SAY, MAN?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE A

SLEEPWALKER.

YOU CHALLENGED DOREEN TO A FIGHT

WHILE YOU WERE OUT, MAN.

IT WAS GRUESOME, TOO.

I DON'T MEAN TO TOOT MY OWN HORN

OR ANYTHING, BUT I DID JUMP IN

AND SAVE THE DAY.

HEY, MAN, LOOK. LOOK.

THERE YOU GO. FOR YOU, BUDDY.

>> WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

>> IT'S A BALL GAG, MAN.

>> WOW. I SEE THAT YOU'VE BEEN

SHOPPING OFF OUR REGISTRY.

THANKS, BUDDY.

>> IT'S FOR DOREEN, SO SHE

DOESN'T BITE ANYTHING ELSE OFF.

>> OH.

THAT'S PRETTY GENIUS, BUDDY.

>> YEAH. I'M THINKING, MAN --

LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

YOU GOT TO PUT IT ON HER,

THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

IT'S IMPERATIVE ONE OF US KEEP

ALL OUR DIGITS, FOR DRIVING

PURPOSES AND ALL.

YOU GOT LESS TO LOSE.

>> VEGAS, MAN -- MY SECOND

FAVORITE BITCH!

>> HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED

TO FIND A PRIEST IN A CITY

THAT'S FILLED WITH, I DON'T

KNOW, A MILLION PEOPLE?

>> WELL, MAN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST

RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT GETTING

HERE, OKAY?

AND WE'RE GONNA FIND HIM.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHERE YOU WANT TO START?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK A

PRIEST WOULD HIDE IN SIN CITY?

>> HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT

CHAPELS, RIGHT?

THERE'S A WHOLE SHIT TON OF 'EM

ON THE OTHER END OF TOWN RIGHT

DOWN THERE.

>> SO, YOU MEAN GO TO EVERY

WEDDING CHAPEL AND ASK FOR

JOHNNY PRIEST?

>> AH, SHIT.

THIS SHIT AIN'T FUCKING

WORKING, MAN!

WE'VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND FOR

TWO GODDAMN HOURS!

HE'S A STREET PREACHER.

WE NEED TO GET OUT ON THE STREET

TO FIND HIM!

>> BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE WE

SUPPOSED TO DO WITH DOREEN, HUH?

>> THAT BITCH CAN'T HOLD HER

LIQUOR.

>> OHH.

HANK, HELP ME OUT, MAN.

>> YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> GETTING TIRED.

GETTING A BACK SPASM OR

SOMETHING.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A

HOTEL, MAN.

>> WHAT'S OUR BEST BET, YOU

THINK?

LET'S GO BACK TO THE VAN.

GET HER HEAD.

>> YEAH, I GOT IT.

>> YOU GOT IT?

>> YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP,

YEP.

>> ROOM US.

>> SO, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE

GROOM?

>> OH, THAT'S HILARIOUS.

CAN YOU JUST GIVE US A ROOM SO

WE CAN BE ON OUR WAY, BUD?

>> YOU TWO SEEM TO BE IN

TROUBLE.

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.

>> YOU AIN'T JOHNNY THE PRIEST,

ARE YOU?

>> NOPE.

>> WELL...

>> YEAH? WELL, THEN, YOU CAN'T

HELP US, BUDDY.

>> HE DID MARRY ME AND MY WIFE

10 YEARS AGO.

>> NO SHIT. WHERE?

>> IN SOME SHITTY PLACE --

PURPLE PALACE CHURCH, RIGHT OFF

THE STRIP.

>> GOD DAMN! PERFECT, MAN!

WE PUT HER IN THE ROOM, GO GET

THE PRIEST, AND WE GET DOREEN

BACK.

>> LET'S DO IT.

NOT HOW YOU EXPECTED TO SPEND

YOUR HONEYMOON, HUH?

WAIT. YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE

GUYS THAT HIDES UNDER THAT MEEK

EXTERIOR WITH SOME LITTLE SEXUAL

WAITING TO COME OUT, ARE YOU?

DOREEN AND YOU AIN'T INTO THIS

SHIT, RIGHT?

DON'T EVEN TELL ME ABOUT IT.

>> DO YOU EVER STOP?

JESUS.

LET'S JUST GO FIND JOHNNY.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM,

MAN?

BE RIGHT BACK, SIS.

>> HEY, MAN.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR A GUY NAMED

JOHNNY PRIEST.

YOU HEARD OF HIM?

>> YEAH. HE'S HANGING OUT WITH

MY BUDDIES HAMILTON AND JACKSON.

>> WELL, DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE

COULD FIND HIM?

>> WHY DON'T YOU CHECK YOUR

WALLET, MAN?

>> FUCK YOU, MAN.

THANKS FOR NOTHING.

>> JOHNNY PRIEST!

JOHNNY PRIEST!

JOHNNY PRIEST?!

>> HEY, JOHNNY!

>> JOHNNY PRIEST!

>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

>> HI. WHERE'S JOHNNY?

>> WE NEED TO TALK TO

JOHNNY PRIEST.

>> JOHNNY? OH, I'M SORRY.

>> NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, YOU AIN'T GOT TO BE SORRY,

ALL RIGHT?

JUST GO GET JOHNNY.

IT'S IMPORTANT.

>> I'M SORRY.

JOHNNY IS NO LONGER WITH US.

>> WAIT. WH-WHAT DOES THAT

MEAN -- HE'S, LIKE, NO LONGER

HERE OR NO LONGER HERE, AS IN

"LIVING"?

>> HE LEFT OUR CHURCH SEVERAL

YEARS AGO TO FIGHT EVIL IN THE

WORLD AMONG US, AND WE RECEIVED

NEWS SHORTLY THEREAFTER THAT HE

PASSED ON.

>> OHH.

HEY, CAN YOU PERFORM AN

EXORCISM?

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> CAN YOU GET DEMONS OUT, LADY?

>> UM, NO. I'M SORRY.

WE DON'T DO THAT HERE.

>> UGH! SHIT! WHY NOT?!

GOD!

>> GOD BLESS.

>> HANK, MAN, HEY. HEY. HEY.

CALM DOWN. LOOK, I'M SORRY.

>> NO. NO.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> YOU'RE DONE, TRAVIS!

>> DON'T TALK LIKE THAT, MAN.

>> NO, NO.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, AND

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

I MEAN...

I LOST MY WIFE.

>> LOOK, MAN, WE CAN'T FUCKING

GIVE UP.

THERE'S A MILLION GODDAMN

CHURCHES IN THIS TOWN.

WE CAN FIND SOMEBODY WHO CAN

HELP HER.

>> NO.

>> IF NOTHING ELSE, AT THE

HOSPITAL, YOU CAN GET PATCHED UP

OR THEY -- THEY CAN SEDATE HER

FOR GOOD.

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, BUT WE

CAN'T GODDAMN QUIT.

>> NO, I'M DONE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

AND ALL I WANT TO DO...

IS GO SPEND THE LAST FEW MOMENTS

WITH MY WIFE.

AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU

THERE.

IN FACT...

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

TRAVIS.

>> COME ON, BROTHER.

>> NO. NO.

DON'T YOU "BROTHER" ME, OKAY?

CALL ME "BROSEPH," WHATEVER THE

FUCK YOU CALL ME.

THEY'RE ALL FUCKING ASININE.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU AT THE

WEDDING.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER...

NEVER...

LET YOU WEASEL YOUR WAY BACK

INTO DOREEN'S LIFE.

BUT YOU DIDN'T FUCK UP, TRAVIS.

I DID.

>> I SEE. YEAH.

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, HUH?

POOR FUCKING HANK.

POOR FUCKING HANK.

WHAT ABOUT DOREEN?

I AIN'T GONNA GIVE UP ON HER.

I SWORE TO GOD TO MY MOM THAT

I'D TAKE CARE OF HER, AND THAT'S

EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO,

WHICH MEANS I'M NOT GONNA LET

HER SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE

WITH A NO-GOOD FUCKING QUITTER

LIKE YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE ANOTHER

FUCKING PANIC ATTACK, YOU LITTLE

PUSSY?

GO ON!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON THOSE

FUCKING PILLS!

COME ON, GOD DAMN IT.

>> COP!

>> GET DOWN!

CHECK HIS POCKETS.

>> WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, BABY.

>> WHAT'S HE GOT?

>> NO WALLET.

FINGERS.

SICK FUCK!

>> FUCK THIS, MAN.

>> LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

>> HANG ON, HANK!

OH, SHIT!

LET ME S-- OH, FUCK, MAN!

YOU OKAY, BUDDY?

YOU OKAY?

HANK, HANK, HANK, YOU'RE ALL

RIGHT, MAN.

HANG IN THERE.

HANG IN THERE, BUDDY.

COME ON. COME ON. I GOT YOU.

I GOT YOU, GOD DAMN IT.

HE-E-E-LP M-E-E-E!

HANK, DON'T GO TO SLEEP, MAN.

HANK, STAY WITH ME, BUDDY!

STAY WITH ME!

COME ON!

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, MAN!

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

>> FOLLOW ME.

>> WE GOT HELP, DUDE.

WE GOT HELP.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, MAN.

I GOT HELP.

>> TEAR OPEN HIS VEST.

OH, SHIT.

>> PLACE YOUR HAND HERE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

>> COAGULATE THE WOUND.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> NOW LET'S SEE.

YOU HOLD IT.

BOY...

THIS IS GONNA HURT.

>> AAH! HOLY SHIT!

HEY! HANK! HANK!

IT'S ME, MAN!

YOU OKAY?

>> OH, MAN!

HOLY SHIT.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> YOU WOULD NEVER FUCKING

BELIEVE IT.

>> IS THAT JOHNNY PRIEST?

>> YEAH. I THINK SO, MAN.

I THINK SO.

COME ON.

>> EXCUSE ME, SIR.

FATHER.

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR A GUY NAMED

JOHNNY PRIEST.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND

HIM?

>> I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

NOW SCRAM.

>> LISTEN, JOHNNY, WE NEED YOUR

HELP.

DON'T GET BOILED, MACARONI.

>> IT'S COOL! IT'S COOL, MAN!

LOOK! THIS BROUGHT US HERE, MAN!

SHIT, MAN.

>> HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

>> I GOT STABBED.

OH-HO. YEAH, YOU DID.

>> THEY SAID YOU'S DEAD.

JUST DEAD IN THE EYES OF GOD.

CHURCH NEVER WANTED ME.

SAID THAT I WAS...

TOO BIG FOR MY FAITH.

CHURCH GOT

UNCOMFORTABLE -- FEARED TOO

MUCH, FEARED ME.

>> MY WIFE IS POSSESSED...

AND SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP.

>> HEY, TALL STACK, GOT A FAG?

>> YOU SAVED HANK, MAN.

YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER THE FUCK

YOU WANT.

THANKS.

I NEEDED THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU FOUND

THAT NECKLACE OR WHERE YOU HEARD

ABOUT ME, BUT I'M OUT THE

BUSINESS.

I'M RETIRED.

>> WELL, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF

RETIREMENT AND SAVE MY WIFE'S

LIFE!

>> LISTEN, BOY -- I DO FUNERALS,

BAPTISMS, AND BACHELORETTE

PARTIES, AND THAT'S IT.

>> WE NEED YOUR HELP, JOHNNY.

WE DROVE HALFWAY ACROSS THE

COUNTRY!

>> NO, TRAVIS!

TRAVIS, LET IT GO! LET IT GO!

>> NO! FUCK THAT, MAN!

DOREEN AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME!

>> NO.

HE'S JUST A DRUNK WITH FRIED

BRAINS.

HE CAN'T HELP US.

HE COULD NEVER HELP US!

THE LEGEND OF JOHNNY PRIEST...

WAS JUST A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT.

>> LOOK!

YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU GOT

STABBED AND LOST A FEW FINGERS

THAT YOU'RE TOUGH, HUH?

THAT SHIT USED TO HAPPEN TO ME

AT LEAST THREE TIMES A WEEK.

I HAVE JET-SKIED DOWN THE

RIVER STYX.

I HAVE LITERALLY DANCED WITH THE

DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT.

I'M NOT ABOUT TO PUT ON MY

GET-DOWN SHOES FOR A

THREE-FINGERED RING BEARER.

BESIDES...

I PAWNED ALL MY MATERIAL.

>> NO! NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME!

I MARRIED THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS,

WHO TOOK TWO FINGERS FROM ME,

THREW UP ALL OVER THE WEDDING

PARTY!

I'VE BEEN DRIVING IN A CAR WITH

THIS GUY FOR THREE DAYS!

NOW, WE NEED YOUR HELP.

>> MM.

>> SO, WE'RE GONNA GO GET YOUR

MATERIALS, AND THEN WE...

ARE GONNA SAVE MY WIFE.

>> YOU KNOW, BOY...

SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO FIGHT THE

DEVIL WITH A DEMON.

ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE THAT

DEMON?

>> I'LL BRING THE FUCKING HORNS.

>> WE SHALL SEE.

>> MY MAN.

I'M GONNA GO GET PAM.

>> OPEN THE DOOR!

>> GO AWAY! WE'RE CLOSED!

>> IT'LL TAKE FIVE MINUTES!

OPEN THE DOOR, MAN!

>> MAN, WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?!

I SAID WE'RE FUCKING CLOSED!

>> YOU GIVE ME THE FINGER?

YOU AIN'T GOT TO DO THAT SHIT.

COME OUTSIDE AND DO THAT.

>> MAN, GO HOME.

>> COME OUTSIDE AND DO IT!

I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP, MAN.

I'M GONNA MESS YOUR FACE UP.

TURN AROUND.

OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR NOW.

OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR NOW!

>> YOU WANT THE DOOR OPEN?

>> YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA OPEN THE DOOR.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> AND I'M GONNA OPEN YOUR

SKULL, TOO, MOTHERFUCKER. YEAH.

>> YOU GONNA BRING IT?

YOU GOT TO OPEN THE DOOR

TO DO IT.

>> YOUR MOUTH JUST WROTE A CHECK

YOUR ASS CAN'T CASH!

>> I'M GONNA BUST IN!

>> YEAH.

I'M GONNA OPEN A CAN OF WHUP-ASS

AND BAD INTENTIONS ON YOUR ASS,

MOTHERFUCKER.

>> COME ON IN.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> COME ON.

RIGHT OVER HERE, BABY.

>> YOU 'BOUT TO GET SOME.

>> AAH!

>> SHIT! SHIT!

AH-HA-HA!

BACK UP.

>> WHAT DO THESE MATERIALS LOOK

LIKE?!

>> IT'S IN THERE.

>> BEAT HIS ASS, TRAV!

THAT'S SOME BEST-MAN SHIT!

>> I'M RIGHT HERE!

I'M RIGHT HERE!

>> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

>> LET'S GO. GO.

OH, WHAT'S UP?

WHOO! WHOO!

>> WHAT THE HELL?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I'M

LOOKING FOR!

J.P., IS THIS IT?

>> NO.

BUT THIS IS.

LET'S GO.

I DON'T DO THAT.

>> OKAY.

>> I'M GONNA DROP THIS.

WE CAN GO MANO A MANO.

>> AH, SHIT!

DAMN IT! FUCK!

>> JUST STAY DOWN!

DOWN! STAY DOWN, GOD DAMN IT!

STAY DOWN!

LOOK OUT, J.P.!

>> OH, SHIT!

>> SORRY!

>> FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS!

IF YOU PAWN ANYTHING, Y'ALL SEE

I'M KEEPING THAT SHIT!

>> ALL RIGHT.

THAT NECKLACE CARRIES THE CURSE

OF THE INCULTA DEMON.

IT BE A MESS OF BAD MOJO.

NOW, HOW LONG AGO DID YOU SAY

YOU TIED HER UP?

>> MAYBE A FEW HOURS AGO?

>> YEAH.

>> WELL, I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET

THE DEMON OUT WHILE THAT BODY'S

SEDATED.

>> ALL RIGHT.

SO, WHAT'S THE PLAN?

WE JUST RUSH IN OR WHAT?

MAN...THE GAME PLAN IS I GO IN

AND SAVE HER SOUL.

YOU TWO BACK ME UP JUST IN CASE

SHE GET LOOSE.

YOU DIG?

>> DIG.

>> ALL RIGHT.

OPEN THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

>> HOLY SHIT!

>> AAAAAH! AAAH!

>> FUCK!

>> AAAAAH!

>> WE NEED TO REGROUP ON THIS

SHIT.

LET'S GO.

>> YEP.

>> DOREEN!

COME DOWN!

WE WANT TO HELP YOU!

>> THERE IS NO DOREEN.

THERE IS ONLY THE DEMON.

AAAAAAAAH!

>> AAAAAAAH!

>> YEAH.

I'VE SEEN YOUR TYPE BEFORE,

DEMON.

I'M SENDING YOU BACK TO HELL!

YOU...WILL...RELEASE THIS WOMAN!

>> YOURS WILL BE NEXT, PRIEST!

>> HOW LONG?!

>> J.P., LET'S GO! HURRY!

>> SON OF A BITCH!

>> YOU OKAY, TRAVIS?

>> YEAH.

>> I'LL RELEASE YOU.

>> COME ON.

>> OHH!

>> DOREEN!

I GOT HER! GET AWAY!

I GOT HER!

>> AAH! UGH!

>> COME ON!

YOU GOT TO STOP, BABE! STOP!

>> HOLD HER DOWN.

I GOT TO EXTRACT THE DEMON

MANUALLY.

>> I GOT HER.

>> UGH!

UGH!

UGH!

OHH!

AHH.

>> COME ON.

YOU'RE OKAY.

COME ON!

>> COME ON, JOHNNY!

>> COME ON!

>> HEY, FAT BOY!

>> HERE COMES THE GROOM,

MOTHERFUCKER.

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

TRAVIS!

>> TRAVIS, NOW!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>> I'M SORRY.

>> I, HANK VON WITZENBURG...

TAKE YOU, DOREEN MAHONEY...

TO BE MY LAWFUL, WEDDED WIFE...

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD...

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD...

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE...

TILL DEATH DO US PART.

>> I LOVE YOU.

>> I LOVE YOU, TOO.

>> I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

>> YOU'RE REALLY STRONG WHEN

YOU'RE A DEMON.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> MY WHOLE BODY ACHES.

>> HOW ARE YOU, JOHNNY?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

I OWE YOU EVERYTHING.

>> DON'T MENTION IT.

I WAS MARRIED ONCE, TOO, YOU

KNOW.

DOREEN...

YOU TAKE CARE, BABY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> AND, UH, SHIT.

I'M SORRY.

I'M TRYING TO THINK ABOUT SOME

WAY TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU GUYS --

YOU KNOW, GIVE YOU SOMETHING

SPECIAL -- SO, UH...

>> I CAN'T ACCEPT BLACK MAMA,

MAN.

>> YES, YOU CAN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

BESIDES, I'M GONNA STICK AROUND

WITH OLD J.P. HERE -- FUCK UP A

COUPLE DEMONS.

IT'S LIKE MAMA ALWAYS SAID --

SOMEDAY I'D BE GOOD AT

SOMETHING, RIGHT, SIS?

I LOVE YOU.

YOU GOT A GOOD MAN.

HE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

>> CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A

SECOND?

>> YEAH.

WHAT' SUP?

>> YOU MADE A HELL OF A BEST

MAN.

AND, LOOK, I GOT ALL MY

GROOMSMEN WATCHES, BUT, UH...

>> YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET ME

NOTHING, MAN.

>> NO, NO, NO.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU THESE.

>> UH...HANK, I THINK YOU SHOULD

HANG ON TO THEM.

>> NO, NO, NO, LISTEN -- I WANT

YOU TO TAKE THEM BECAUSE SOMEDAY

I'M GONNA COME BACK FOR THEM.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY,

REALLY.

THANK YOU.

I KNOW A TAXIDERMIST.

MAYBE HE COULD GET THEM FIXED UP

FOR YOU.

>> TRAVIS, JUST SHUT UP FOR A

SECOND.

JUST SHUT UP.

>> YOU DID GOOD.

TAKE CARE OF MY SISTER, ALL

RIGHT?

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TOO, ALL

RIGHT?

ENJOY YOUR HONEYMOON.

>> GO ON. GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME IN THIS

SHITHOLE.

BE GOOD TO 'EM BOTH!

WHERE DO DEMONS HANG OUT IN THIS

TOWN, J.P.?

>> UH...WELL...

THERE'S THIS PLACE CALLED

TEA PARTY PIT STOP.

IT'S PRETTY ROUGH.

>> SOUNDS LIKE MY KIND OF JOINT.

>> YEAH.

HEY...

CAN I HAVE A FAG, TALL STACK?

>> LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE

ROAD.

>> YEP.

ZIGGY FRANKLIN'S "FRIEND IN ME"

>> YOU KNOW I'M A PRETTY FAST

FUCKING LEARNER.

I EVER TELL YOU THAT?

THANK YOU.

WELL, YOU KNOW...

>> OPEN UP A BUSINESS TOGETHER,

YOU KNOW?

SEE, I'M A HELL OF A WORKER.

>> YOU TALKING ABOUT A BARBECUE

JOINT OR SOMETHING, BOY?

>> NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT FUCKING

DEMONS UP.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

J.P.

>> WELL, DIDN'T I TELL YOU, BOY,

I WAS OUT OF THAT BUSINESS?

>> * IF YOU NEED, YOU CAN CALL *

* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND, I'LL

COME RIGHT OVER *

* WITH A HAND TO LEND *

* IT'S NO PROBLEM, YOU SEE *

>> * YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN

ME *

>> * WE CAN GO FOR A WALK

IF YOU NEED TO TALK *

* STAY OUT ALL NIGHT,

SEE THE MORNING LIGHT *

* DAYBREAK'S NO STRANGER TO ME *

>> * YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN

ME *

* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN

ME *

* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN

ME *

>> * IF YOU'RE HOT, I WILL TRY

TO PROVIDE A SHADE *

* IF YOU'RE THIRSTY, I CAN MAKE

SOME LEMONADE *

* WE CAN SIP IT BY THE

HONEYBEES *

* IN THE SHADE I FOUND UNDER THE

TREES *

* IF YOU'RE DIRTY, I,

I WILL RUN A BATH *

* IF YOU'RE CONFUSED, I,

I CAN DO THE MATH *

* THAT'S NO PROBLEM, YOU SEE *

>> * YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN

ME *

* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN

ME *

* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN

ME *

>> * IF YOU'RE HUNGRY,

I CAN MAKE A COUPLE PLATES *

* IF YOU WANT A RIDE,

YOU CAN USE MY ROLLER SKATES *

* ANYTHING THAT YOU NEED,

YOU CAN GET FROM ME *

* IF I GET THAT CALL

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT *

* I'D RATHER NOT BE INVOLVED

WITH THE LAW, BUT I WILL BRING

THE SHOVELS YOU NEED *

>> * YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN COUNT

ON ME *

* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN

ME *