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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,189 --> 00:00:05,371 Previously on Kidding... 2 00:00:05,471 --> 00:00:06,852 Our next guest is celebrating 3 00:00:06,952 --> 00:00:09,775 his 30th anniversary in children's television. 4 00:00:09,875 --> 00:00:12,058 I had a son named Phil. 5 00:00:12,158 --> 00:00:13,459 He died. 6 00:00:13,559 --> 00:00:15,782 Will, we're finally getting new neighbors. 7 00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:18,785 If Jill finds out you bought the house next to her, 8 00:00:18,885 --> 00:00:20,267 she'll take Will and leave. 9 00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:21,668 I saw Jill hugging another man. 10 00:00:21,768 --> 00:00:23,070 You mean fucking. 11 00:00:23,170 --> 00:00:25,353 Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word. 12 00:00:25,453 --> 00:00:27,114 Are you and Dad getting divorced? 13 00:00:27,214 --> 00:00:28,836 No. Why would you ask me that? 14 00:00:28,936 --> 00:00:31,359 I think Scott might be gay. 15 00:00:31,459 --> 00:00:33,762 I need to know, did you have sexual relations 16 00:00:33,862 --> 00:00:36,164 with the Japanese version of your brother? 17 00:00:36,264 --> 00:00:37,566 I want you to know that you can 18 00:00:37,666 --> 00:00:39,328 come by the house whenever you like. 19 00:00:39,428 --> 00:00:41,010 Tonight? We could go for a walk. 20 00:00:41,110 --> 00:00:44,093 Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician. 21 00:00:44,193 --> 00:00:46,736 You are breaking your father's heart with this shit. 22 00:00:46,836 --> 00:00:48,498 I have a tremendous amount of pent-up anger. 23 00:00:48,598 --> 00:00:49,860 And I know I dress like a Mormon 24 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,581 and I talk like a monk, 25 00:00:51,681 --> 00:00:53,664 but inside, I'm Mount St. Helens 26 00:00:53,764 --> 00:00:57,668 and it's 1980 and I am magma from the neck down. 27 00:00:57,768 --> 00:00:59,110 Thanks for trusting me with Will. 28 00:00:59,210 --> 00:01:00,631 You wanna smoke a joint? 29 00:01:00,731 --> 00:01:02,674 Do you think your dad's gonna kill 30 00:01:02,774 --> 00:01:04,356 - your mom's new boyfriend? - No. 31 00:01:04,456 --> 00:01:05,397 That wouldn't be nice. 32 00:01:17,768 --> 00:01:22,768 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 33 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:26,019 As long as I've known the both of you, 34 00:01:26,119 --> 00:01:27,781 I have enjoyed watching 35 00:01:27,881 --> 00:01:32,426 your shared and selfless language of kindness. 36 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,589 Yours is a chemistry 37 00:01:34,689 --> 00:01:39,194 built on the mutual love of love itself 38 00:01:39,294 --> 00:01:40,676 and the knowledge 39 00:01:40,776 --> 00:01:44,360 that each of you contains the inner strength 40 00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:47,163 to tackle every challenge together. 41 00:01:47,263 --> 00:01:48,764 Aw. 42 00:01:48,864 --> 00:01:53,189 To borrow a tradition I admire from another faith... 43 00:01:57,514 --> 00:02:01,418 May your love last as long as it takes 44 00:02:01,518 --> 00:02:04,582 to put this glass back together. 45 00:02:04,682 --> 00:02:06,584 This part always felt a little violent 46 00:02:06,684 --> 00:02:08,466 for holy matrimony. 47 00:02:20,059 --> 00:02:21,761 You have it in you. 48 00:02:21,861 --> 00:02:23,483 I know it. 49 00:02:23,583 --> 00:02:26,326 Go on, Jeff, smash it. 50 00:02:27,827 --> 00:02:29,810 I love you... 51 00:02:29,910 --> 00:02:31,371 Jill Piccirillo. 52 00:02:31,471 --> 00:02:33,133 Gosh, I hope so, 53 00:02:33,233 --> 00:02:34,815 after all that buildup. 54 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,561 Ooh! 55 00:03:13,478 --> 00:03:15,460 Hello? 56 00:03:50,679 --> 00:03:52,941 Mr. Pickles, this is Bobby Belongo 57 00:03:53,041 --> 00:03:55,664 with the South Bend chapter of the Pickles Platoon. 58 00:03:55,764 --> 00:03:58,147 I've got a bunch of rowdy Pickle Pals here 59 00:03:58,247 --> 00:04:01,351 who wanted to serenade you on Christmas Eve. 60 00:04:01,451 --> 00:04:03,393 My goodness... 61 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,915 what talent. 62 00:04:06,656 --> 00:04:08,038 And this is Danny. 63 00:04:08,138 --> 00:04:09,800 Danny earned the most pickle points this year, 64 00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:12,002 and as a reward, he gets to wish you good yule tidings 65 00:04:12,102 --> 00:04:14,105 all by himself. 66 00:04:15,426 --> 00:04:17,729 Merry Christmas, Mr. Pickles. 67 00:04:17,829 --> 00:04:20,692 Merry Christmas, Danny. 68 00:04:20,792 --> 00:04:22,414 Have you been a good boy this year? 69 00:04:36,569 --> 00:04:38,031 He was on drugs. 70 00:04:38,131 --> 00:04:40,514 Peter? 71 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:41,415 - Peter. - Peter. 72 00:04:41,495 --> 00:04:42,876 I'll call 911. 73 00:04:42,976 --> 00:04:44,358 He's unresponsive. 74 00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,921 Cervical spine's intact. 75 00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:50,204 Multiple traumas to the chest and abdomen... tell them! 76 00:04:50,304 --> 00:04:52,607 How many traumas is multiple traumas? 77 00:04:52,707 --> 00:04:54,409 - Are you okay? - You talking to me? 78 00:04:54,509 --> 00:04:55,530 Jeff, you were in a car accident. 79 00:04:55,630 --> 00:04:56,652 Are you hurt? 80 00:04:56,752 --> 00:04:58,614 No. Thank you for asking. 81 00:04:58,714 --> 00:05:00,616 Please stay on the line. 82 00:05:00,716 --> 00:05:02,738 Calls are answered in the order they are received. 83 00:05:02,838 --> 00:05:03,839 It's Christmas Eve. You'll never get through. 84 00:05:03,919 --> 00:05:05,662 - Is he dead? - We need to put him 85 00:05:05,762 --> 00:05:07,904 - on some kind of stretcher. - This my fault. 86 00:05:08,004 --> 00:05:09,666 - I did this. - He took an Ambien. 87 00:05:09,766 --> 00:05:11,027 Who knows what he was thinking? 88 00:05:11,127 --> 00:05:12,088 He probably walked right in front of you 89 00:05:12,169 --> 00:05:13,390 and didn't even realize it. 90 00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:16,233 Jeff, Jeff! Jeff! 91 00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:17,635 If he's not on an operating table 92 00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:19,997 in 20 minutes, he is going to bleed out. 93 00:05:20,097 --> 00:05:22,080 I need you. 94 00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,182 Help me. 95 00:05:26,024 --> 00:05:28,567 Is my toboggan still in the garage? 96 00:05:45,165 --> 00:05:47,988 I think we should see other people. 97 00:05:51,292 --> 00:05:52,673 What else does he need? 98 00:05:52,773 --> 00:05:54,876 He needs you to drive as fast as humanly possible! 99 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,244 Don't do drugs! 100 00:06:07,389 --> 00:06:09,332 Hold on, Pete. We're gonna get ya help! 101 00:06:09,432 --> 00:06:10,613 Yeah, yeah... 102 00:06:11,874 --> 00:06:13,877 No! 103 00:06:15,598 --> 00:06:17,741 Oh, it's just Santa! 104 00:06:17,841 --> 00:06:19,843 - It's just Santa! - Okay. 105 00:06:20,644 --> 00:06:22,586 - Oh! - Um, uh, hold on. 106 00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:23,868 Just kick it! 107 00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:25,149 Kick it! 108 00:06:26,450 --> 00:06:27,792 I'm gonna call out the road, 109 00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:29,073 and you're gonna repeat it back, okay? 110 00:06:29,173 --> 00:06:30,915 - Okay. - Sharp left! 111 00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:32,357 Sharp left. Ah! 112 00:06:32,457 --> 00:06:33,719 - Gimme your hand! - Huh? 113 00:06:33,819 --> 00:06:34,539 Gimme your hand. Gimme your hand. 114 00:06:34,619 --> 00:06:35,681 Huh? What? 115 00:06:35,781 --> 00:06:36,582 Keep your fingers gently on his neck. 116 00:06:36,662 --> 00:06:37,763 I need you to register his pulse 117 00:06:37,863 --> 00:06:38,744 so I can keep putting pressure on the bleeding. 118 00:06:38,824 --> 00:06:39,845 - Pothole! - Pothole! Ow! 119 00:06:39,945 --> 00:06:41,167 If you don't feel a pulse, 120 00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:43,169 I need you to pull over so I can perform CPR! 121 00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:44,190 We're almost there. Changing lanes! 122 00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:50,137 - Changing back! - Changing back! 123 00:06:50,237 --> 00:06:52,339 Fuck this fucking light! 124 00:06:52,439 --> 00:06:54,021 What the fuck is up with this fucking light? 125 00:06:54,121 --> 00:06:55,903 Hold on! 126 00:06:59,207 --> 00:07:00,909 Get me to the hospital. Get me to the hospital. 127 00:07:01,009 --> 00:07:01,990 Get me to the hospital! 128 00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,071 I'm gonna call out the road, 129 00:07:03,171 --> 00:07:04,312 and you're gonna repeat it back to me. 130 00:07:04,412 --> 00:07:05,594 - Mm. - Right turn. 131 00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:06,915 - Right turn. - I can't hear you. 132 00:07:07,015 --> 00:07:08,757 Right turn! 133 00:07:08,857 --> 00:07:10,399 Oh! 134 00:07:10,499 --> 00:07:13,322 The twins are giving me the-the hiccups. 135 00:07:13,422 --> 00:07:14,684 You're doin' great... 136 00:07:14,784 --> 00:07:15,885 Mom. 137 00:07:15,985 --> 00:07:17,046 Please drive faster! 138 00:07:17,146 --> 00:07:19,049 Okay! 139 00:07:20,951 --> 00:07:22,653 Oh... if Astronotter were here, 140 00:07:22,753 --> 00:07:24,815 he'd tell you you need to take 141 00:07:24,915 --> 00:07:26,096 a calming-down breath. 142 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,458 No, he'd say, "Me-me-meep, me-me-meep." 143 00:07:27,558 --> 00:07:29,460 Help us, please! 144 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,142 We need help! 145 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:33,344 Weak pulse, internal bleeding. He was on Ambien and pot. 146 00:07:33,444 --> 00:07:35,226 - He walked into traffic. - Copy. Trauma one. 147 00:07:35,326 --> 00:07:37,148 Code blue! 148 00:07:41,733 --> 00:07:44,797 So what your dad is trying to say is... 149 00:07:44,897 --> 00:07:46,879 When two heterosexual people 150 00:07:46,979 --> 00:07:49,242 reach a point in their relationship... 151 00:07:49,342 --> 00:07:51,244 Did you get me everything on my Christmas list? 152 00:07:51,344 --> 00:07:52,966 - Pretty much. - Almost, yeah. 153 00:07:53,066 --> 00:07:55,929 - Cool. - A point in their relationship 154 00:07:56,029 --> 00:07:58,492 when, uh, things are no longer feasible... 155 00:07:58,592 --> 00:07:59,573 What's "feasible"? 156 00:07:59,673 --> 00:08:01,575 It's a Japanese word for "exciting." 157 00:08:01,675 --> 00:08:04,258 Hey, whatever happened to Mr. Pickles-san? 158 00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:05,460 He went home. 159 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,441 He's probably in Guantanamo Bay. 160 00:08:06,521 --> 00:08:07,742 What's that? 161 00:08:07,842 --> 00:08:09,304 It's what your mom calls our bedroom. 162 00:08:09,404 --> 00:08:10,385 Nice. 163 00:08:10,485 --> 00:08:12,828 When a marriage is no longer feasible, 164 00:08:12,928 --> 00:08:15,311 a mutual decision is made... 165 00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,633 Well, 60-40, if we're gonna be honest. 166 00:08:17,733 --> 00:08:20,156 Hi. 167 00:08:20,256 --> 00:08:22,038 I think I killed Peter. 168 00:08:22,138 --> 00:08:24,361 I gotta go. 169 00:08:24,461 --> 00:08:26,403 We're getting a divorce. 170 00:08:28,345 --> 00:08:29,726 Can I open another present? 171 00:08:29,826 --> 00:08:32,289 Here, open this one. 172 00:08:32,389 --> 00:08:34,852 Can I talk to you in the kitchen, please? 173 00:08:34,952 --> 00:08:36,294 Don't throw it in the house. 174 00:08:41,239 --> 00:08:44,142 I love you, ax. 175 00:08:44,242 --> 00:08:45,664 So then you tried to kill him? 176 00:08:45,764 --> 00:08:47,306 I didn't try to kill him. 177 00:08:47,406 --> 00:08:48,828 I tried to hit him with my car. 178 00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:50,930 Did anybody see you? 179 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,672 What did I do? 180 00:08:52,772 --> 00:08:56,116 You got between your kid and drugs any way you could. 181 00:08:56,216 --> 00:08:57,998 When Jill comes back, I'm gonna tell her everything. 182 00:08:58,098 --> 00:08:59,920 - Why would you do that? - I think I'll feel better 183 00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:02,202 - if she knew. - No, no. 184 00:09:02,302 --> 00:09:04,525 You need to lie right now. 185 00:09:04,625 --> 00:09:06,287 Under no circumstances 186 00:09:06,387 --> 00:09:08,850 should you tell her what you did. 187 00:09:08,950 --> 00:09:10,251 Or anyone. 188 00:09:10,351 --> 00:09:13,174 I'm sorry. I don't know how to lie. 189 00:09:13,274 --> 00:09:15,897 Think of it as a secret. 190 00:09:15,997 --> 00:09:17,579 You're good at keeping secrets. 191 00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:20,663 - Hmm. - Besides, if Peter dies, 192 00:09:20,763 --> 00:09:22,745 there's no point in confessing. 193 00:09:22,845 --> 00:09:25,868 Plus... she'll be single again, so that's good. 194 00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:28,872 If I can't be honest with her, who am I? 195 00:09:28,972 --> 00:09:31,034 I'm gonna tell her about buying the house too. 196 00:09:31,134 --> 00:09:33,196 If you tell her what you did, you will lose her. 197 00:09:33,296 --> 00:09:37,461 You'll lose Will. You'll lose everything. 198 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,767 There is nothing after that. 199 00:09:48,353 --> 00:09:50,355 Thank you for listening to me. 200 00:09:51,396 --> 00:09:53,399 I'm gonna go find Jill. 201 00:09:58,044 --> 00:10:00,046 Fuuuuuuck. 202 00:10:01,608 --> 00:10:03,149 Did you see the way 203 00:10:03,249 --> 00:10:05,232 he lowered that body into the trunk 204 00:10:05,332 --> 00:10:07,234 like he'd been doing it his whole life? 205 00:10:07,334 --> 00:10:09,717 Like he was a sniper during the Lesbianic Wars. 206 00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:11,078 I hate him! 207 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,360 How long do you think 208 00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:14,242 that he's been living in that house, 209 00:10:14,342 --> 00:10:15,964 stalking his prey? 210 00:10:16,064 --> 00:10:17,886 How close were you? 211 00:10:17,986 --> 00:10:19,568 We were on the bed. 212 00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:21,249 - Was there tongue? - I told her I loved her. 213 00:10:21,349 --> 00:10:22,531 I touched her boob. 214 00:10:22,631 --> 00:10:24,733 And then my dad killed a guy! 215 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,015 Cockblock. 216 00:10:26,115 --> 00:10:27,817 Wait, why'd you tell her you loved her? 217 00:10:27,917 --> 00:10:29,819 Are you not supposed to? 218 00:10:29,919 --> 00:10:31,220 Seems extreme. 219 00:10:33,122 --> 00:10:35,545 Whatever. My mom is going to punch him in the dick 220 00:10:35,645 --> 00:10:38,669 when I tell her that his shit was in the closet next door! 221 00:10:38,769 --> 00:10:39,830 He's a straight-up killer. 222 00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:41,632 I bet he pickles their bodies, 223 00:10:41,732 --> 00:10:45,636 then serves them on a plate next to giant sandwiches. 224 00:10:45,736 --> 00:10:47,999 Who would eat a pickled person? 225 00:10:48,099 --> 00:10:50,161 Horses, man. 226 00:10:50,261 --> 00:10:51,483 Horses. 227 00:10:51,583 --> 00:10:53,525 Fuckin' sharks of the prairie, yo. 228 00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:57,009 I don't understand. 229 00:10:57,109 --> 00:10:59,772 What is the fucking delay? 230 00:10:59,872 --> 00:11:01,374 I'm sorry, we can't get him into surgery 231 00:11:01,474 --> 00:11:03,616 until the anesthesiologist on call arrives. 232 00:11:03,716 --> 00:11:05,979 We paged him, but he's not responding. 233 00:11:06,079 --> 00:11:08,662 Peter is the anesthesiologist on call. 234 00:11:08,762 --> 00:11:10,764 I'll find the surgeon. 235 00:11:11,765 --> 00:11:13,767 Ohh! 236 00:11:15,529 --> 00:11:16,871 Ohh! 237 00:11:23,218 --> 00:11:25,801 I need to tell you a few things. 238 00:11:27,142 --> 00:11:28,724 I have to call his family. 239 00:11:28,824 --> 00:11:31,487 I've never met his family! 240 00:11:31,587 --> 00:11:32,888 Do you know that Peter is a lapsed Mormon? 241 00:11:32,988 --> 00:11:34,290 He has, like, a dozen siblings, 242 00:11:34,390 --> 00:11:35,491 and they're all flight attendants 243 00:11:35,591 --> 00:11:37,133 who work for the same airline. 244 00:11:37,233 --> 00:11:39,055 He doesn't speak to his parents! 245 00:11:39,155 --> 00:11:42,219 Now I have to call his Mormon mother on Jesus' birthday! 246 00:11:42,319 --> 00:11:44,461 In the same sentence, I have to introduce myself 247 00:11:44,561 --> 00:11:46,583 and give her the worst news of her life! 248 00:11:46,683 --> 00:11:48,265 I can call his parents. 249 00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:51,028 I'm sorry this happened to you. 250 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:53,111 I'm sorry he wandered into traffic 251 00:11:53,211 --> 00:11:55,513 and ruined your Christmas. 252 00:12:03,062 --> 00:12:05,064 Christmas isn't over yet. 253 00:12:06,746 --> 00:12:08,688 What did you wanna tell me? 254 00:12:12,672 --> 00:12:14,294 I'll tell you later. 255 00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:32,554 Sorry. I'm drunk. 256 00:12:32,654 --> 00:12:34,877 Jeff, Jill. 257 00:12:34,977 --> 00:12:36,679 Hi, I'm Dr. Hernandez. 258 00:12:36,779 --> 00:12:37,960 Uh, sorry I'm not in uniform. 259 00:12:38,060 --> 00:12:40,042 I wasn't supposed to be working tonight. 260 00:12:40,142 --> 00:12:41,644 Peter is in critical condition 261 00:12:41,744 --> 00:12:43,887 but stable at this moment. 262 00:12:45,028 --> 00:12:46,209 He's breathing on his own. 263 00:12:46,309 --> 00:12:48,091 He did lose a lot of blood, though. 264 00:12:48,191 --> 00:12:50,334 I'm a universal donor. Just say the word. 265 00:12:50,434 --> 00:12:51,935 Thank you, but we're not there yet. 266 00:12:52,035 --> 00:12:53,177 We'll know more in the morning. 267 00:12:53,277 --> 00:12:54,739 For now, I think the best thing to do 268 00:12:54,839 --> 00:12:56,621 is to go home and get some sleep. 269 00:12:56,721 --> 00:12:58,743 - I'll call you personally. - Thank you, Doctor. 270 00:12:58,843 --> 00:13:00,064 Hopefully he'll be up and talking by then. 271 00:13:00,164 --> 00:13:02,167 Mm. 272 00:13:05,570 --> 00:13:07,633 Let me take you home. 273 00:13:09,415 --> 00:13:10,756 Okay. 274 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:12,858 And you... 275 00:13:13,739 --> 00:13:15,842 Ah... 276 00:13:36,765 --> 00:13:38,307 Ooh. 277 00:13:40,169 --> 00:13:41,630 Ohh! 278 00:13:49,779 --> 00:13:51,781 I... 279 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,484 Um... 280 00:13:58,188 --> 00:14:00,251 Do you know that house next door? 281 00:14:00,351 --> 00:14:04,856 It's, uh, same as ours, only backwards and empty. 282 00:14:06,678 --> 00:14:08,460 When it was f-for sale... 283 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,383 Would you mind staying here... 284 00:14:11,483 --> 00:14:13,465 with us tonight? 285 00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:33,527 Good night. 286 00:14:33,627 --> 00:14:34,889 Night. 287 00:15:33,453 --> 00:15:34,475 Hello. 288 00:15:34,575 --> 00:15:37,758 Mrs. Zeckhauser, uh... 289 00:15:37,858 --> 00:15:41,082 ...um, you don't know me, but... 290 00:15:41,182 --> 00:15:44,926 I'm your son Peter's, um... 291 00:15:45,026 --> 00:15:46,328 friend. 292 00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:53,456 Ho, ho, ho. 293 00:15:53,556 --> 00:15:56,499 Here... comes... 294 00:15:56,599 --> 00:15:58,541 Santa Claus. 295 00:16:41,929 --> 00:16:43,791 Quick, wake the other one up, 296 00:16:43,891 --> 00:16:45,873 and let's see if they'll harmonize. 297 00:17:15,045 --> 00:17:16,747 I am listening. 298 00:17:16,847 --> 00:17:18,670 I am listening. 299 00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:21,493 Are you... looking for me? 300 00:17:24,856 --> 00:17:27,079 No one left a plate of cookies for Santa. 301 00:17:32,625 --> 00:17:34,627 Mmm. 302 00:17:37,831 --> 00:17:40,734 So... 303 00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:42,536 did you tell your mom 304 00:17:42,636 --> 00:17:44,778 about me buying the house next door? 305 00:17:44,878 --> 00:17:46,880 Why did you buy it? 306 00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:50,505 At the time, it seemed like... 307 00:17:50,605 --> 00:17:52,347 a romantic gesture, 308 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:54,629 to be closer to you guys. 309 00:17:54,729 --> 00:17:56,992 Because I love you guys. 310 00:17:57,092 --> 00:17:59,154 That's why I've done... 311 00:17:59,254 --> 00:18:01,797 everything I've done. 312 00:18:01,897 --> 00:18:06,042 Were you ever a sniper in Lebanon... under Reagan? 313 00:18:06,142 --> 00:18:08,124 I would have been 16. 314 00:18:08,224 --> 00:18:10,226 Didn't answer the question. 315 00:18:10,907 --> 00:18:12,569 Shit, that's molten lava. 316 00:18:12,669 --> 00:18:14,972 You okay? Please don't use a bad word... 317 00:18:15,072 --> 00:18:16,934 Wait. 318 00:18:17,034 --> 00:18:21,118 Only use a bad word when no good word will do. 319 00:18:24,362 --> 00:18:26,364 I'm not gonna tell Mom what you did. 320 00:18:27,926 --> 00:18:29,928 I will. 321 00:18:31,370 --> 00:18:33,372 It's important to be honest. 322 00:18:34,052 --> 00:18:37,196 I like seeing you two together 323 00:18:37,296 --> 00:18:39,959 more than I like seeing you apart. 324 00:19:03,805 --> 00:19:05,507 Fire in the hole! 325 00:19:05,607 --> 00:19:10,232 ♪ At your homecomin' and that merry... 326 00:19:10,332 --> 00:19:12,915 What do you think? 327 00:19:13,015 --> 00:19:15,198 Breakfast first... or presents? 328 00:19:15,298 --> 00:19:16,840 I don't know. 329 00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:19,563 I'm gonna call the hospital and check in. 330 00:19:19,663 --> 00:19:21,325 But after that? 331 00:19:21,425 --> 00:19:23,247 I'm not sure we have time. 332 00:19:23,347 --> 00:19:25,049 There's always time for Christmas. 333 00:19:28,352 --> 00:19:30,975 I didn't really have time to go shopping last night, 334 00:19:31,075 --> 00:19:33,778 so you're mostly getting things I found around the house. 335 00:19:33,878 --> 00:19:35,420 This is for you. 336 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,662 It's a lamp. 337 00:19:36,762 --> 00:19:38,744 Ah, yes, this must have really set you back. 338 00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,906 Bulbs too! Big spender. 339 00:19:41,006 --> 00:19:43,389 Wait'll you see what I got for you. 340 00:19:49,015 --> 00:19:51,718 Cool! Is it a bicycle? 341 00:19:51,818 --> 00:19:53,440 Did you peek? 342 00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,130 Hello? 343 00:21:02,416 --> 00:21:04,919 Was it the hospital? 344 00:21:05,019 --> 00:21:07,642 Ma'am, your son suffered 345 00:21:07,742 --> 00:21:09,924 blunt-force trauma to the lower abdomen, 346 00:21:10,024 --> 00:21:12,207 resulting in a hepatic hemorrhage. 347 00:21:12,307 --> 00:21:14,930 His liver's bleeding. They can't stop it. 348 00:21:15,030 --> 00:21:17,373 Please let the doctor talk. 349 00:21:17,473 --> 00:21:19,895 She's not family. Continue. 350 00:21:19,995 --> 00:21:21,177 She's right. 351 00:21:21,277 --> 00:21:22,699 He needs a new liver within two days, 352 00:21:22,799 --> 00:21:24,460 or it will fail, 353 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,022 and then there's nothing we can do. 354 00:21:26,122 --> 00:21:28,265 - What about a donor? - That's the next ask. 355 00:21:28,365 --> 00:21:30,067 We could try a donor list, 356 00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:31,789 but I'm afraid that won't work with our time frame. 357 00:21:31,889 --> 00:21:34,031 Peter's best hope is in this room. 358 00:21:34,131 --> 00:21:36,193 If you're a match and wish to donate 359 00:21:36,293 --> 00:21:37,715 a healthy portion of your liver, 360 00:21:37,815 --> 00:21:39,077 the risks are there, but it's, uh... 361 00:21:39,177 --> 00:21:40,758 well, it's the only thing to do. 362 00:21:40,858 --> 00:21:42,600 What constitutes a match? 363 00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:44,883 We'll take you into a room, ask you some questions. 364 00:21:44,983 --> 00:21:46,204 You'll need to have the same blood type 365 00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:48,307 or be a universal donor. 366 00:21:50,389 --> 00:21:52,491 - I'll volunteer. - Me too. 367 00:21:52,591 --> 00:21:54,614 You'll need relatively the same body type and build. 368 00:21:54,714 --> 00:21:56,716 Same gender is a big plus. 369 00:21:58,678 --> 00:21:59,699 Hmm. 370 00:21:59,799 --> 00:22:01,922 Looks like I fit the bill. 371 00:22:02,602 --> 00:22:05,105 - Oh, thank you, Bart. - It's not an issue, Mom. 372 00:22:05,205 --> 00:22:08,549 Jesus said to His disciples, "When you give," not if. 373 00:22:08,649 --> 00:22:10,391 That's a very noble thing you're doing. 374 00:22:10,491 --> 00:22:12,674 To think his first words to you after 15 years 375 00:22:12,774 --> 00:22:15,036 will be "thank you." Mm. 376 00:22:15,136 --> 00:22:17,999 I don't give for man's praise. I give for God's. 377 00:22:18,099 --> 00:22:20,042 Oh, and you cannot have had 378 00:22:20,142 --> 00:22:22,404 an alcoholic beverage in the last 72 hours. 379 00:22:22,504 --> 00:22:24,166 So if you'll follow me, we'll sign some papers 380 00:22:24,266 --> 00:22:26,268 and get started. 381 00:22:26,989 --> 00:22:28,991 Uh... I can't. 382 00:22:32,115 --> 00:22:33,577 Every year after you go to bed, 383 00:22:33,677 --> 00:22:36,119 Father plies us with a bottle of Hungarian pálinka. 384 00:22:37,561 --> 00:22:38,903 We drink every drop. 385 00:22:39,003 --> 00:22:41,205 We bury the empty bottles in the pet cemetery. 386 00:22:42,406 --> 00:22:43,948 Well, now your brother's gonna die. 387 00:22:44,048 --> 00:22:45,950 Lillian, I'm sure there's another viable candidate. 388 00:22:46,050 --> 00:22:49,254 - Why are you still here? - Dad, what's pálinka? 389 00:22:50,215 --> 00:22:51,637 Dad? 390 00:23:07,033 --> 00:23:08,455 Jeff. 391 00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:10,717 I think we dropped a hat. 392 00:23:12,479 --> 00:23:16,304 Do you see it, a little blue and pink hat? 393 00:23:20,608 --> 00:23:23,071 Just leave the wheelchair on the curb. 394 00:23:23,171 --> 00:23:25,113 Like a grocery cart. 395 00:23:25,213 --> 00:23:26,635 Someone will come get it. 396 00:23:28,817 --> 00:23:31,320 Let's go home... Dad 397 00:24:12,385 --> 00:24:13,727 If you move him to another hospital, 398 00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:15,729 he's still going to need a liver. 399 00:24:15,829 --> 00:24:17,211 Aren't you still married? 400 00:24:17,311 --> 00:24:19,413 My husband and I are separated. 401 00:24:19,513 --> 00:24:20,855 And isn't he also Mormon? 402 00:24:20,955 --> 00:24:22,997 Common misconception. 403 00:24:27,282 --> 00:24:28,463 Mm... 404 00:24:28,563 --> 00:24:30,766 may I please speak to the two of you? 405 00:24:33,329 --> 00:24:35,331 Is everything okay? 406 00:24:45,422 --> 00:24:48,605 Peter... 407 00:24:48,705 --> 00:24:50,708 ...didn't walk into traffic. 408 00:24:54,832 --> 00:24:56,174 Uh... 409 00:24:56,274 --> 00:24:58,416 I... 410 00:25:07,486 --> 00:25:09,468 ...fucked up. 411 00:25:42,885 --> 00:25:45,548 By the way, 412 00:25:45,648 --> 00:25:48,632 we are really huge fans of your show. 413 00:25:48,732 --> 00:25:49,993 Before we can determine 414 00:25:50,093 --> 00:25:51,755 your viability as a donor, 415 00:25:51,855 --> 00:25:54,238 I need to ask you a few questions. 416 00:25:54,338 --> 00:25:55,479 Why do you want to do this? 417 00:25:55,579 --> 00:25:57,882 Because it's important to do the right thing. 418 00:25:57,982 --> 00:25:59,283 - Are you a smoker? - No. 419 00:25:59,383 --> 00:26:00,284 Do you take recreational drugs? 420 00:26:00,384 --> 00:26:01,446 - No. - Not even pot? 421 00:26:01,546 --> 00:26:02,567 No. 422 00:26:02,667 --> 00:26:04,289 Ah. Ha. 423 00:26:04,389 --> 00:26:07,292 And... when was the last time you had a drink? 424 00:26:09,034 --> 00:26:11,276 June 21, 2003. 425 00:26:12,638 --> 00:26:14,300 That's amazing. 426 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,502 How do you know the exact date? 427 00:26:18,324 --> 00:26:21,067 It was the day I was married. 428 00:26:21,167 --> 00:26:22,829 We're going to perform some additional tests 429 00:26:22,929 --> 00:26:24,191 to confirm a match... 430 00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:25,092 ...and get you into surgery 431 00:26:25,172 --> 00:26:25,913 as soon as possible. 432 00:26:39,387 --> 00:26:40,889 Hello? 433 00:26:48,277 --> 00:26:50,500 Mr. Pickles, 434 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,182 this is Lovetenant Dale Nukem 435 00:26:52,282 --> 00:26:53,383 from the Austin, Texas, chapter 436 00:26:53,483 --> 00:26:54,945 of the Pickles Platoon. 437 00:26:55,045 --> 00:26:56,827 We wanted to wish you a happy holiday season 438 00:26:56,927 --> 00:26:58,669 and a festive New Year. 439 00:26:58,769 --> 00:27:00,911 Oh, my... 440 00:27:01,011 --> 00:27:03,314 what talent! 441 00:27:03,414 --> 00:27:04,675 And this is Noah. 442 00:27:04,775 --> 00:27:06,598 Noah earned the most pickle points this year 443 00:27:06,698 --> 00:27:09,681 and gets to wish you a happy holidays all by himself. 444 00:27:09,781 --> 00:27:12,364 Happy holidays, Mr. Pickles. 445 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:15,287 Happy holidays, Noah. 446 00:27:15,387 --> 00:27:18,611 Have you been a good boy this year? 447 00:27:18,711 --> 00:27:21,214 Have you been a good boy this year? 448 00:28:06,939 --> 00:28:11,939 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 30907

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