All language subtitles for Virgin.Alexander.2011.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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- Now keep in mind
this is the first time

the American army has
seen females in battle.

And so I'm leading the convoy,
and then an IED explodes,

and, and we get into a fire fight,

and then all of the
sudden Sergeant Callahan

can't wait to tear my uniform off.

It's the adrenaline of battle.

Women cannot control themselves when.

Hey!

Are you even listening?

- Yeah.

You had sex.

- I had sex in Iraq!

- Toss me the rope.

- I don't think that's what we're hauling.

- It's right next to the trash.

Has it occurred to you that I'm picky?

That I've got standards?

- Oh I'm sorry, were you in the shit?

I thought you'd might like to know

that life threatening situations
make women really horny.

- Alexander, I've
got a surprise for you!

- Grampa, are you serious?

- Is it malignant?

- The house.

He's giving me the house.

- Come on, boys.

Follow me to the Notary Public!

- Is he driving?

- Ah.

It's a done deal!

- I guess I'm a homeowner.

- Maybe now you can convince
some girl to fuck you.

Well, he's 30 years old, you know.

He's a good looking guy,
never been with a woman.

Feels good to help you out.

- That'll be 5.25.

- I'm only 26.

- I'll file the papers with the county

and have dinner waiting for you.

I love you, my boy!

- This was a good idea, right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

- Do you mind?

No.

Let's go.

Thank you.

- But I have a meeting.

I have an appointment.

- When?

- Nine.

- You made good time.

God...

- Look, all you
need to do is pay us $125,000

in the next 10 days.

- But I don't know
where my grandfather is.

And, and he took the car, and
I tried to take the trolley,

but that, that girl wouldn't--

- I don't know what any of that means.

- Well, there has to
be something I can do.

- Hey, you got a minute?

- Oh, hi Bim.

Yeah, we're finished here.

- We are?

- I just dropped off the uniforms
for my little league team.

We're gonna have a hell of a season.

Those kids, I love those kids.

- Wait, wait a minute, I just--

- I don't know what else I can do for you.

But I really hope you have a great day.

- Wow.

Mortgage default?

- That's a really nice suit.

- Did you get my loan?

- Yeah, you're going to college.

- I'm majoring in marketing.

Did I tell you that?

Have you ever considered a
viral campaign for Mr. Bim's?

- What?

- A viral campaign,
like web based content.

- I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.

Okay?

Just hold on.

Hello, this is Bim.
- A single text can--

- Shhhhh!

Hello?

- Hi, I'm with the
Brewer Collection Agency.

- All right, so what's the
deal with my student loan?

It's in your name, right?

- Yeah, I wouldn't, you
know, worry about it.

It's all taken care of, kinda.

- Okay.

Okay.

- Hey.

Hey, get off my water display.

Off!

Now!

Out!

Go!

- Good morning.

- Hi, sir.

- No, it's not true.

Let's go.

- My son is a virgin.

- Excuse me?

- You wanna buy your boy a party?

- He's 35.

He lives at home.

Yesterday, he bought a Judy
Garland box set on DVD.

- I'm not gay, Mom.

- His little brother
never had this problem.

- It's never too late, ma'am.

- 125 grand?

That's nothing.

Hell, I made more working as
a pool shark in high school.

You could have a garage sale.

Sell all the crap you collect.

What about underage kids?

Underage kids have a ton
of disposable income.

They can pay us to party at your house.

- Hey, you boys seen a piano around here?

- Yeah, we--

- No.

No, we haven't.

- You comfortable selling drugs?

I haven't done it in years,

but I still have some of my old contacts.

Very profitable selling drugs.

- Drugs?

Underage kids?

Clif, the only thing I
could think of is you

pick up your pool cue
and enter a tournament.

I'll spot your entry fee--

- That is so unfair.

You know I got carpal tunnel in Iraq.

- Hey.

Don't you hate it when they get so drippy?

- What's your name?

- Alexander.

- Excuse me.

- So the vanilla ice cream is semen,

and the act of licking it off
your hand would turn them on?

- Uh-huh.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Is dog fighting illegal?

- You wanna fight dogs to the death?

- I thought maybe it could
be amateur dog fighting,

not professional dog fighting.

- Hey!

You and Captain Bullshit
need to pick up the pace.

- Sorry, Mr. Bildocker.

- Which one of us is Captain Bullshit?

The dogs can use headgear.

I got underage kids in my Mom's van.

Found them at the supermarket.

They said they've got 200 bucks.

These kids are surprisingly angry.

- I'm gonna talk to them.

They broke my keyboard.

- Just shut up, they'll
tire themselves out.

Do you think--

- Shh!

- This isn't so bad.

- They took the refrigerator.

- I didn't think they were that strong.

I'm gonna go.

They stole my mom's van.

- So you can actually read your veins.

And not just the lines but
you can read your veins

on this one.
- This one?

- Yeah, and this one
means you're gonna have

a very happy life.

- Okay, tell you what, two words.

Bachelor.

Party.

- YAY!

- Only if I can take notes.

- My first class is tonight.

- Okay, first of all,
I love her enthusiasm.

That's what I like.

You don't talk.

I don't need you to talk.

No, no, closed mouth.

- Fine.
- Not necessary.

- Okay.
- You're still talking.

And you, I got it taken care of.

All right?

We're fine.

All taken care of.

Hands off the table.

Thanks.
- What?

You canceled my loan?

- It's just a semester delay.

Look, look, here's the thing, why,

why do you wanna go to college?

If I had that body I wouldn't
have gone to college.

C'mon, stay here with us.

Please.

This is what you have.

This is what you do.

You're beautiful.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Drive!

- Where?

- To MSU.

- It's only a one
semester delay, you bitch!

- Hey, wait!

Wait!

Stop!

- How does a woman exerting
her independence make you feel?

- Shut it!

- Threatened.

- Yeah, so I'm still on my break.

- I love fighting crime.

- Me too, but I gotta get out.

- This state is so lucky
to have me as a cop.

- You're the best.

- So I, I heard that's
a really good school.

- First time in a dump truck?

- If you need anything else.

- That reminded me of the
times I led the convoy

out of the Green Zone.

Very similar.

What are we doing?

- Open the fucking door.

- You're not
supposed to be in here.

- Next.

- Sweetie, thanks for
holding my spot in line.

- You're welcome.

- All right, there's
no record of any loan here.

- That's bullshit!

- We take credit card,
cash, or personal check

with two forms of ID.

- Are you still mad about last night?

I helped you clean that shit up.

There she is.

- Hey.

How's it going?

Can we give you a lift?

I don't have to be in the cab.

- Seriously, stop following me.

I don't need a lift.

I don't need a friend, I
just need money, that's it.

- Yeah okay.

Here, I've got a 10.

Clif, how much do you have?

- I don't have any money.

- You've got change from lunch.

- She's a hooker.

- Hey, don't say that.

- I'm gonna make up for last night.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

You can totally prostitute at
my friend Alexander's house.

- She is not a prostitute.

She just wears tight clothing!

- We're gonna make money.

He's losing his house.

We need to make money to save his house.

- What's my cut?

- 80/40.

- That's not possible.

- This isn't the time for fractions.

Do you wanna turn my friend's
house into a brothel or not?

- This is illegal.

- Of course it is.

- And we could we get in trouble.

- Lots of trouble.

- $125,000 in 9 days!

- Is that a lot?

- Not for a professional.

- Do you think we can do it?

- We're gonna need more girls.

- Hey you guys, you wanna wash some cars?

Like, all sudsy and wet
with your sexy outfits

and everything and totally
driving the customers crazy?

I just, right?

I'm gonna get a bucket.

All right.

- See the brunette with the intense eyes?

That's Lo.

She's getting her doctorate
in women's studies.

Don't worry about it.

The blonde with the big
smile, that's Brooke.

She likes to fuck.

- Wipe out all the drug dealers.

I hate drugs.

- I used to think I was a dog.

- Really?

That's interesting.

- I sniffed out crime.

That's how I got into the business.

- Hello, Mr. Howard.

I don't do much entertaining, so...

- This is great.

Check the bedrooms.

- Oh, I'll show you!

- There's no fridge?

- Teenagers took it.

- Dude, no offense, I am
so glad you're not coming

to my bachelor party tonight.

- Hello?

- I would never get laid if
people knew you were my brother.

- I'll pay you $300 if
you come pick me up.

- Brooke can pick you up.

What's your address?

All right, got it.

Great.

I'll see you soon.

Are you staring at me?

- What?

No.

I, I was thinking.

- Thinking about what?

- Stuff.

Work stuff.

- All right, Brooke, take a picture of you

and Hank can text to
all his friends, okay?

- Yup!

- You.

Beer.

Condoms.

Go!

In his bedroom?

- What?

I get laid a lot.

- So do I.

- What the fuck?

- Why did you do that?

- We can't use a bedroom
with a sink on the floor.

- I found that.

This is my stuff.

I found it and brought it to my house.

And why is she taking notes?

- Did you lose your
parents at a young age?

- As a matter of fact I did.

So what?

- If you want to save your house,

this has all gotta go.

- You know, maybe
if I didn't wanna get laid

I'd bring you.

- It's okay, Trent.

I have plans.

- Dude, just because you're
role playing in a bar

doesn't change the fact
that you're role-playing.

It's worse you play in public.

At least have the decency
to stay in the basement.

- Hi Hank.

- Hi.

- I've missed you.

- Have fun at your bachelor party.

- Yay!

- Okay, that was the
greatest moment of my life.

- Can I see your cell phone?

- Yeah, here.

- All right.

Smile.

Text it to all your friends.

- Evening, sir.

- Those guys playing poker?

- Nah, some game with dragons.

Don't bother them.

- Just seeing what all the fuss is.

- Gary, you'll be face to face

with the red fire breathing dragon.

He's going to climb a very moisty wall

to get to higher ground.

- I think I'm gonna talk to him.

- You guys playing for money?

- We're not playing anything.

- Hey, Gary's phone's on!

- No cell phones during a campaign.

- Why is Gary's phone on?

- Because my shit's blowing up.

- What does that mean?

- Gary, if you don't
stay and defend yourself,

the red dragon will kill you!

- This isn't my fault.

- What was that?

- Lo's finishing the clean up.

- I really don't think you
guys should be throwing

my things out the window.

What was that?

- Do you play?

- Yeah.

- Play for us tonight.

- I've never played for anyone.

- You live in a creepy house.

Playing piano will just make
it a little less creepy.

- Well, I mean, it's not that creepy.

- Just play some fucking piano.

- Yeah.

Yeah, something like that.

- Guys, thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot, we'll see you soon.

See you soon, take care.

Out you go.

Thanks, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

All right, give me this.

Give me that.

Girls in the back?

- Huh?

- The girls outside?

Jesus.

Hey you didn't pay for those!

- Put them on my tab!

- Son of a bitch.

Keep the door locked!

I should have never hired smart girls.

Leon, is your sister still in town?

- No, she left Thursday.

Collection agency's on the phone again.

- Alcohol and speakers are in my office.

Put 'em on the counter and
microwave a shit ton of pizza.

- I have movie tickets.

- Those fucking girls.

Hi.

Here's what I'm asking,
here's what I'd like to know.

Could you, could you just
come with me for two hours,

no questions asked?

I mean, like you know,
just get in the car?

I don't, I don't, just ignore that.

Ignore it.

Listen to me.

I just want to know, I just
want your wife to dance.

No, you're being unprofessional.

Fucking asshole.

- Bim, I need to go home.
- Where are my girls?

Where are my girls?

- You guys are going to
be Eskimo brothers soon.

- Watermelon flavor tastes
like real watermelon.

- How do you know that?

- I like cherry.

- I like cherries.

- Have you ever tried
strawberry and banana together?

- I'm broke, Leon.

Branching out into bachelor
parties was gonna save me.

If they take Bim's away

what am I gonna tell
my little league team?

- Have a donut.

C'mon, look, have a donut.

Look, come visit me in
my donut hole, please!

You know, I always thought we
should offer the donut hole.

- Do that again.

- Hello, come and see me.

Bite sized pieces of donut.

I'd pay for that.

- You just saved Bim's!

- We're gonna sell donut holes?

- No!

- Who's ready to fuck?

- What's the definition of a pimp?

- A procurer of--
- Don't answer him.

- What is the definition of a pimp?

- A procurer of prostitutes.

- That's what I'm doing.

I'm procuring prostitutes in my house.

- Alexander, stand up.

Put your shirt down.

- I never finished my route.

I'm gonna lose my job.

- Huh, that was supposed to calm him down.

- I'm gonna be homeless and unemployed

and all I can say for myself
is that I exploit women!

Ow!

What did you do that for?

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- This is a bachelor party, isn't it?

- If you say so.

- Then where are the girls?

Besides you.

- That's--

- Because the closest
thing to a vagina is--

- You're being very mean--

- In front of me.
- For no reason.

- I'm sorry.
- There's no reason

to be mean.
- I'm not sorry.

- They keep asking for girls.

- Okay, about how tall
are they, on average?

- What are you doing?

- Don't, don't worry about it.

Just--

Do you mind?

- You guys didn't have to follow me.

- Gary, I drove.

- Yeah, dick.

- You here to party?

- Oh, yes, I got.

Yeah, I win!

- Yeah, again.

- Okay, gentlemen.

$10 a beer.

12 beer minimum.

- Who's next?

- Where are the girls, man?

Just tell us.

- A shot for Trent?

- All right, where is the bachelor?

- Where are the titties?

- The titties are here.

- You said they'd have sex with me.

- All right, I, I did say that,

but look it, but look it,

you're getting married soon, right?

I don't, I don't want you doing

something you're gonna regret.

- I brought condoms.

- All right, all right.

What's your fiancé's name?

- Jennifer.

- Right.

Jennifer.

Now if you come down to the basement,

to the bathroom in the
basement, in five minutes,

you're gonna get something
you're going to love.

But you're not gonna
have to lie to Jennifer

and be ashamed in front
of Jennifer, who you love.

- I love Jennifer.

- Right?

Five minutes.

- So, where are the titties?

- Can you keep the truck all night?

- Goddamn it!

- Oh, wait, that's cheating.

- You know the rules.

- Who wants to have some real fun?

Oh yeah.

You're doing great.

- Hey, do you guys need anything?

- What did you say?

- No, it's perfect.

I love it.
- Perfect?

You swear?
- Perfect, I swear, I swear.

- Okay, okay.
- Just like that.

I love it, I love it!

- Someone has to make a decision.

- Yea!

You are the quest I choose.

Okay.

I guess it's me.

- Hello?

You took your shoes off.

Very cool.

- Why aren't you playing?

- No one wants to hear me play.

They're here for you.

Is this about what you saw up there?

- No.

- Well, maybe this will
make you feel better.

- I don't care.

- Just play.

- What do you want me to play?

- I don't know.

It's a brothel.

Anything but show tunes.

- Oh wow.

This is the best!

- Now you've got your
ball of negative energy

and we're gonna combine them.

And we're gonna turn it into love.

Push the love into our hears.

- That was special.

- Do you like to experiment?

- Sure.

- Love.

- Love.

- Okay, that's freaking me out!

- Ha, yeah.

That was--

- What's uh, gonna down here?

- Can you, can you?

Play it again!

Yeah, yeah.

Please?

- Cheers!

Cheers!

- I have no explanation for this.

- Hoooooo!

Hoo!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Whoa.

Woo!

Who are you?

Don't worry.

I'll be right back.

- Those fucking girls.

- Oh, ho, ho!

Let's rock and roll!

- Ohhhhhh!

- There he is!

- Hey-yo!

- You guys are in for a treat.

- You know that experiment thing?

- Mm-hmmm.

- I think I'm ready.

- Let's dance.

- Does this mean we're like dating?

- Do you wanna dance?

- Sure.

- Hey, Alexander.

- Mr. Howard.

- Can I be your bartender?

- Sure.

- He likes you.

- No he doesn't.

- Yeah.

He like that likes you.

- Hi, it's
Alexander and Bucky.

We're not home.

Leave a message.

- Alexander, it's Clif.

I'm in.

- That's four, baby!

- You're the king, Trent!

- Damn right I am.

Wooooooo!

- Seriously, who wants four hand jobs?

- You know any Sondheim?

- You wanna hang out?

- Not bad for your first time.

- Did you pay for that?

- I can keep a secret if you can.

- It's like ultimate relaxation.

Just like a wave of power.

Seriously.

That was like 199 on a
scale of like one to five.

I mean it.

I mean it.

It's like my heart,

now don't judge me, but seriously
like, it's beating fast.

Faster than it usually does.

And I think that means something

because I have a really slow heartbeat.

- Trent's been gone for two hours.

Now, I love a good hand job

and I got a great one back there,

but what the fuck?

All we get is a hole in the wall?

- Dude, it's a glory hole!

- Yeah, I know what it's called.

- The whole point is you don't
know who's on the other side.

- I know what the point is.

- Fine.

- They said there'd be girls,
but I have not seen one.

Now Trent's gotten like nine hand jobs

and I'm really proud of
him, but my kids have soccer

in the morning.

Okay?

I don't have time for this.

So c'mon, who wants to go to a strip club?

- What are you doing here?

Why do you have this house?

- It was my Grandfather's house.

But he's gone now.

- Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry.

- No, he's not dead.

He just took off.

After school my, my grandpa got sick

and I took over his route.

I wanted to go to college too.

- What did he have?

- My grandpa?

He had, he was diagnosed with,

he was full of shit.

I don't think anything was wrong with him.

- So he just lied?

- Yeah.

He's a liar.

Hey, what happened to Clif?

- I didn't steal that dump truck.

I'm a scrap hauler.

- Guess what?

I finally did it.

I got a bug on Anderson.

She doesn't even know she's wearing it.

I told you I'd do it.

- She's peeing!

- Ohhhh!

I wish I had a visual right now.

- I'm gonna die in here.

- So were you also raised
by a ne'erdo- well old man?

- No, no, I wasn't.

- That's the biggest
purse I have ever seen.

What do you have in there?

Is this shampoo?

If I need to wash my
hair in a few minutes,

can I borrow some?

Come on, who carries around
a big bottle of shampoo?

- Not everyone has a huge house

they can just throw all
their shit into, okay?

Everything I have is in my bag.

- Really?

- I'm sorry.

I didn't know that.

- I was raised in foster homes.

I moved around a lot.

So I'm going to bed.

- Ruby?

- What?

- Take my room.

I 'll stay down here.

- Fine.

- Outstanding party.

No bullshit.

I spent thousands.

- You got a six?

- Go fish.

- Hmmmm.

- You have a jack?

- Yep.

- I'm not leaving until I see who you are.

- Fine.

I'm not giving you your money back.

- They all left.

- Are they gone?

- Yeah.

- Ohhhhhhhhh.

- I don't hear anything.

She's just walking around.

- How cool would it be if she wore it home

and we heard her having sex.

- Maybe we could use
these to solve crimes.

- Morning, boys.

- Morning Chief.

- Hi.

- Phone for you, Chief.

- Thanks.

Demarest speaking.

Oh, Emma.

No, the boys haven't been arrested.

Look, I'm gonna have to call you back.

- We arrested him last night.

- We think he stole a dump truck.

- Wait!

Clif!

Clify!

- Just wanted to say, no hard feelings.

- Just let me go, guys.

- Sorry about the arrest.

- Have a good day.

Yeah, boy!

- Oh, come on!

Alexander, it's Clif.

I'm in jail!

They think I stole the dump truck.

Help me!

- Clif, what are you doing?

- Alexander, it's Clif.

I'm in jail!

They think I stole the dump truck.

- You were in jail?

- I'm in jail!

- Why didn't you call me?

I would've--

oh.

- Yeah, oh.

You guys had the greatest night ever

and I spent the night in jail.

- I thought you said you were
in that Mexican jail before.

- Yeah, I was.

It was no big deal.

- Alexander,
where's my fucking dump truck?

You're fired.

And so's your boy toy Clif!

- So I missed out on
the greatest party ever

and I lose my job?

Thanks, Alexander!

And I am not your boy toy.

If anything, you are my boy toy.

- Thanks for a fine night, Alexander.

- You're welcome, Mr. Howard.

- There was an old man here?

- Can you guys quiet down?

- No, I won't!

This was my idea!

And you forgot about me!

- Calm down.

It's not like it was a one night deal.

- Yeah?

Well, I found this outside!

- Oh, hey guys.

We made a mistake.

- So I'm being evicted?

- Our guy who posts the
notices got screwed up.

We should've never have posted
that notice of foreclosure,

that was weeks ago.

- That's bullshit!

Whoa, whoa.

Like I said, our guy screwed up.

Asshole.

- Sir, I need to go home.

I need to sleep.

- I wonder when I'll
be able to sleep again.

- It's 9:38.

Are we open?

- Leon, have you ever been in a fight?

Oh, forget it.

- Who are these guys?

- They got the text.

- We've gone viral.

- Where'd the music come from?

- They brought their own.

- Hey baby, I'm ready.

- Get your hands off me.

Nerds like Bruce, not a problem.

I mean, that's a lot of fun.

- Thank you.

- But coked up assholes, absolutely not.

I have my Masters for Christ's sakes.

- Wait, you do?

- Uh-huh.

Early childhood development.

- Hey, I got your masters right here.

- Okay, so this is what happens

with unchecked male aggression.

- You think you can just
take my girls and cut me out?

- They didn't seem
to think it was a problem.

- I see.

Oh, Hobo!

Hey, hold on a sec.

Hold on.

These are my customers.

Don't you have any loyalty?

- You screwed me, so I screwed you.

- Right?

Yeah?

So I'm gonna beat the
hell out of your boyfriend

until I feel better.

Hobo!

- All right, hey!

Wait.

Let's just, let's just get back to work.

Okay?

- Yeah, what about him?

- What about him?

You think he can run us?

He's just some scrap hauler.

- Fine. Brooke, let's go.

Lo, I don't want you.

You're weird, I don't
like the way you talk.

- I wasn't going anyway.

- Eat me.

Let's go, now!

Actually, I'm going back
to being an au pair.

It's much more rewarding.

- What?

- Au pair.

- Brooke.

Brooke, just come on.

- Get out.

Out!

- Oh, okay.

- Yes!

Buckle up.

Wooooo!

- Where's my bat?

- Heh.

I threw it at him.

- You left my bat in there?

- No, I threw it at him.

And it was very menacing.

- Okay, I am gonna take
the cost of that bat

out of your pay.

- No!

No, man!

Look, like, you left me in there, alone,

without any direction.

- You know why--

- I was lost in there!

- You know why you are homeless?

Because you are an asshole.

Easy on the gravel, easy on the gravel!

Get my door.

Okay, you have one more outburst like

that you are never gonna sit

on my fucking water feature again!

- You--

- Get out.

- Owe me $10.

- Get the car door right now.

- Do you want, do you want some coke?

- Please, I need you to go

as far as you are legally allowed to go.

- Stop, stop, stop.

- You still have one song left.

No, please stop.

You're wasting your time.

What's your name?

- Rachel.

- I used to be the guy on
stage doing his own striptease.

The guy everyone loved.

But now I don't know what happened.

- We hate those guys.

- You do?

- All right, two club sodas with lime.

- Thanks.

What?

No.

No.

I am not gay.

Okay?

I'm not gay.

Not gay.

- What a day, huh?

- Why don't you just go back inside, Clif?

Looks like you didn't miss the party.

- I was never in Iraq.

- What?

- I was never in Iraq.

I made it up.

I went to Orlando with my mom

and I broke my leg
getting off a water slide.

It was slippery and I spent
those six months on sick leave.

Not in Iraq.

- Clif, of course you weren't in Iraq.

- You knew?

- You were only gone six months.

The military doesn't take people
for less than three years.

- Well, yeah, well--

You're just a liar.

You lie about everything.

- Yeah, well what about you?

I mean, look at all this crap.

That's weird.

And you stole that piano.

- Yeah Clif, I stole the piano.

And this, it's, it's bullshit.

All of it.

- What are you so mad about?

- Clif, I'm being evicted.

I'm in a massive amount of debt.

We turned my house into a brothel

and now I've got a bunch
of idiots, high on cocaine,

destroying what's left of it while paying

a women's studies doctoral
candidate to fuck them!

- Yeah, but Ruby digs you.

- Oh, you mean the girl, the hooker,

who only did this so she
could get back at her pimp?

That girl likes me?

Wow!

- Stop whining.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I getting in the way of your research?

- Yes.

And you're an idiot.

- Is that your professional
opinion, Doctor?

- Oh, do you want my professional opinion?

- Hey, I'm paying for this.

- Just stare at my ass a minute.

- Okay.

- My professional opinion is

that you lost your parents at a young age.

You were raised by a con man.

And you've spent the rest of your life

avoiding real human interaction,
including working at a job

with individuals who share
the same level of immaturity.

You've started a
collection of these things

in order to grasp at a
past that doesn't exist,

while ignoring the future in front of you.

You're incredibly repressed

and that's why you are still a virgin.

You're still a virgin because
having sex would cause you

to open up and grow as a person.

To leave these childish
things behind, if you will.

How was that?

- Surprisingly accurate.

- Thanks.

- You know, I never lied to you
about those times I had sex.

Except for all that sex in Iraq.

That never happened.

Because I have had sex on
a handful of occasions.

- I can't let Ruby take her love to town.

- What does that even mean?

- Last call!

- Oh shit!

- Whoa!

- C'mon!

- Alexander, what are you doing?

- She did it for me.

She was trying to protect me.

Hey you!

Come on, Clif.

What is it?

Clif, I don't think you're a liar.

You just exaggerate for comedic effect.

And you're my best friend.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Can you help me, Clif?

- You really need my help?

- I don't have any military experience.

- I don't care if Bim's
paying that homeless guy

to protect him.

I got moves he hasn't even seen.

- All right!

- Can we come too?

I really wanna help Brooke and Ruby.

- Yeah.

Let's go.

- Guys are so fucking weird.

- You gonna pay me my 10 bucks or what?

- How the fuck did you steal my customers?

- All it took was a text.

- What happened to your hands?

- I need to talk to you.

- What the hell are you doing here?

- I've been hiding in the basement.

- Sir, I don't think
that this is a good idea.

- Oh, you don't think this is a good idea?

Does it say Bim's Pizza on the poster

or does it say Leon and Two Whores?

Am I the boss or are you the boss?

I'll do it for 500 bucks.

- Okay.
- Fine.

- I've had a really weird night.

- Why did you have a weird night?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- Are we even close?

- Ruby!

- Is there a problem?

- The door is locked.

Hi.

- Ruby!

- Alexander?

- I wonder if they have weapons?

- Hi.

- I was coming to get you.

They wanted to help too.

- Thanks.

- You're all under arrest!

C'mon, I said you're under arrest.

- You too, missy.

- Hands up.

You too.

- You okay?

- Yeah, thank you.

- Hey!

No talking.

Sir.

Did you drive here in the paddy wagon?

- So, this is a prostitution right?

- Seriously, I need
some medical attention.

- You sponsor a little league team.

- I love those kids.

I'm in a lot of debt.

- Sir, if it makes any difference,

my house is going into foreclosure.

- It doesn't make a difference.

- I'm researching the
lives of exploited women.

My professors have all signed off.

- I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

- Well, at least that's something.

What about the rest of you?

- PTSD!

- I know, soldier.

But you broke the law.

- Sorry.

- What?

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

- Yeah, sorry.

- Sorry.

- Me too.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

- I'm not sorry.

- Me neither.

- I'm really sorry.

- Sorry?

You can't say sorry!

- Hi Dad.

- Hank?

Wait, are you mixed up in this?

- Yeah.

They're my friends.

- Trent?

- You owe me 500 bucks.

- No, I don't.

I didn't finish.

- Whoa, whoa, what?

- This guy's been running
women out of his house.

And this guy?

He's been in the men's bathroom for money.

- Dad, I'm gay.

My whole life I've been trying
to be something I'm not.

- Oh, latent homosexuality.

- Exactly.

Thank you.

Hank, you like yourself.

You're totally cool role playing in public

and that made me angry because
I couldn't accept who I was.

- All right, how did
you two hear about this?

- Electronic surveillance.

This is how they're gonna
solve crimes of the future.

- Did you get a warrant?

- Why?

- Of course we did.

- So what do we do now, Dad?

- Thank you.

- Hey Clif.

- Life threatening situations, man.

- What does that mean?

- You gonna claim Bucky or not?

He was arrested three days ago,

breaking into a soup kitchen.

- He's been in jail?

- Dad.

- Okay, I'll drive.

- I still don't know what we did wrong.

- Thanks for coming to meet my family.

What are you--

- It's better?

- Yeah.

- Ruby, this is my grandfather, Bucky.

- Hi.

- Is this your girlfriend?

- I'm getting evicted from the house.

- Who needs a house when you got a girl?

- Why did you give it to me?

- You're not here to pay my bail, are you?

- You can't give someone debt.

- I signed the deed.

- We went to a notary.

- But you didn't sign for the debt.

- That's fraud.

He committed fraud.

- She's a keeper.

- I know.

I'll see you around grandpa.

- Alexander Mann?

- Alex.

- Whatever.

Thank you for letting me audition.

I always wanted to go to college.

- When you're ready.

- Hi, are you here for the auction?

- Are there whores inside?

- Why do people keep asking that?

- I just need one more extension.

- I think you need to
get your hands looked at.

- Please, Mr. Bildocker.

I love this job.

I love hauling scrap.

- I'm sorry you don't
have money for school.

- Why do you think I'm
helping you push this piano?

- Don't tell me you're into this shit.

- I'm about to save an elf princess.

- She good looking?

- I can sing too.

- Yeah.

Okay.

- So, how'd it go?

I think it went okay.

- Congratulations!

- I lied to you.

I lied to you.

I told you that I get laid
a lot and that's not true.

I'm a virgin.

- Let's go.

- Scene credits.

Take three.

Mark.