Original subtitles

(soaring music)

(upbeat music)

(coins dropping)

Josh (v.o.): You might ask yourself, what am I doing here,

lying on the casino floor covered in gold?

Well, it's a long story.

(upbeat music)

See this kid?

A real poser trying to skateboard.

That's me, about 10 years ago.

(upbeat music)

Yeah, this is also my story.

When I was 14, I was abandoned by my biological parents,

and then I was taken in by my friend, Eddie.

He ran a movie ranch, where he lived in a fantasy castle with his wife.

I was really happy there, and Eddie encouraged me to pursue my dreams,

to be a world class skateboarder.

(farting sound)

As it turned out, I was a world class klutz. (crashing sound)

I think I drove Eddie a little nuts.

(rock music)

Oh, I - I didn't mean little.

Sorry, Eddie.

(rock music)

Anyway, after a while, I just didn't seem to fit in anymore. (lighthearted music)

It was a sad day when I had to say goodbye to my friends.

Eddie decided it was best to send me off.

Off to live in a mansion in Beverly Hills,

with his long-time friend and employer, Gerard Benedict.

We became a real family, when his daughter, and my new sister, Kristy,

returned from Europe after spending years abroad in an expensive boarding school.

And I was one lucky dog when Gerard decided to adopt me. (barking sound)

My new skateboard coach?

Well, he didn't help much.

Unless I planned on skating on all fours. (applause)

(rock music)

Obviously, my skateboard career never quite took off.

So when I grew up, I made the sport work for me

and opened my own skateboard shop.

(coins dropping) Whoa, whoa, hold up, hold up, my bad.

Wait a minute.

This all started with my sister, Kristy, (pop music)

who's a real Beverly Hills princess.

Kristy Benedict, a rich, spoiled Beverly Hills socialite.

(pop music)

Kristy: (yells)

Josh (v.o.): Kristy lives in her private world of private jets, private assistants.

Kristy: Help, I can't get up!

Josh (v.o.): Private chefs, private chauffeurs, well ...

Kristy: I've fallen!

Josh (v.o.): ... private everything, and her beloved Chinese crested, Ruffy.

who's always dressed to the nines.

Even Ruffy has her own private Beverly Hills therapist and body guard.

(pop song)

Irene, Ruffy's fancy-shmancy Beverly Hills dog M.D.,

comes to give Ruffy therapy sessions once a week.

Even Kristy thinks the deputy sheriff's affection for Ruffy is a bit strange.

(barking sound) (pop song)

(plane passing sound) (pop song)

Kristy: (yells)

Josh (v.o.): As you see, I'm not the only world class klutz in the family.

Like I said, this is a long story.

(pop song)

And here she is, Princess Kristy, (lighthearted music)

Josh: Hey, Kristy.

Look, I'm working on this new trick I want to show you.

Check it out.

Josh (v.o.): But she's still Daddy's little rich girl.

Josh: Hoo, pshh.

Whoo!

Ah!

(wheels squealing)

Oh no, no, no.

(tires screeching) (crashing sound)

Sorry, Mrs. Robertson.

Uh, I'll, I'll fix that later. (breaking glass sound)

Kristy: Aren't you a little old for that, Joshy?

You have your Hummer Daddy gave you right there.

Josh: Well, I guess you can call me a conservationist, huh?

Kristy: Daddy owns a gazillion oil wells, and you're a tree hugger?

You're embarrassing me.

Josh: (laughs) Okay.

I guess it all depends on how you see things, right?

Kristy: And what are you doing here?

Don't you have to be in your shop? (barking sounds)

Josh: Where's Ruffy?

Aww, poor little doggy.

What does she have you wearing today?

Here you go.

Here, take her.

Kristy: Come to Mommy, come.

Oh, ah, oh.

Josh: Got her?

Kristy: Mmm.

Josh: Do you need, uh, help with this thing?

Kristy: I'll give you a clue, yes.

Josh: You know, the earth is hurting from all this consuming.

Do you really need all this stuff?

Kristy: Joshy, I just do.

Josh: Love the accent, yeah.

You know that European accent coach you got?

Might want to get your money back.

(bag rustling) This dog's got more clothes than I do.

Gloria: Hey, Josh.

Josh: Hey.

Gloria: (laughs) Shopping again?

Josh (v.o.): Gloria has worked for my father for a long time.

(whooshing sounds)

I always thought her real scheme

was to try to get him to marry her and steal Kristy's inheritance.

Victor: Laaa!

Josh (v.o.): is her loser brother, Victor,

a wannabe bad boy bookie.

I think they share the same ambitions, Dad's wealth.

Then there's Reeza, his partner-in-crime.

Victor: Take it easy.

You're starting to look like a man.

Josh (v.o.): She is a Russian world champion killer hit chick.

(thud)

Victor: (grimaces) Rats!

Josh (v.o.): And then came Max, a real lady killer.

You know the type.

Cool, smooth, always looking for an easy way to break even.

Max: Take a chill pill and you'll have your money.

Give me a couple of weeks, and I, uh, promise I'll get your money for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All of it.

(upbeat music)

(motorcycle sounds)

(upbeat music)

(engine stops)

Josh: Hey, man, you need some help?

Max: No, thanks.

Max.

Josh: Josh Benedict.

Max: You work here?

Josh: No, I own it.

Max: You own it?

Well, consider this your lucky day, Josh.

Position filled.

Josh: You don't even know what kind of help I'm looking for.

Max: Don't need to know.

Josh: What I'm paying?

Max: Don't care.

I just, uh, got a little cash flow problem at the moment,

but, uh, uh, I'm an expert on skateboards.

So what do you say, Josh?

Josh: Yeah?

Who's your favorite skateboarder?

Max: Uh, uh, Tommy Eagle ,

Josh: Tony Hawk.

He's pretty good.

(whooshing sounds) (coin jingling sound)

Hey man, what's up with the "gold digger"?

Max: Well, I'm a treasure hunter by trade.

I mostly look for gold.

I have what they call a sixth sense, a real rare gift.

Josh: (laughs) All right, Max.

Come on in.

(light music)

Max: Say, Josh, uh, you ever hunt for treasure?

(light music)

Josh (v.o.): Max couldn't help but notice that my sister had come in

and pasted her face on my favorite pin-up poster.

Max: Hey Josh, who's the hot chick on the poster?

Josh: No one you'd be interested in.

Max: Interested in?

Wow.

Josh: That's my sister, man!

She's way out of your league.

Max: Your sister?

But what, the, the head or the body?

And what's wrong with me, man?

Josh: Nothing.

That's my point.

Max: Nothing.

Josh: Ahh, okay, you want the inside scoop?

Max: Yeah.

Josh: My sister hangs out at the Gold Bar and Royals.

Not places you'll be frequenting with your salary.

(light music)

Kristy: Hi Dad!

What a nice surprise!

What's that?

What are you hiding?

For me?

Is it for my birthday?

Gerard: I have a very special surprise for you,

Kristy: Hmm.

Gerard: Something that your mother wanted you to have.

Kristy: Mom?

What is it?

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

Gerard: It's something that your mother wore on our wedding day.

It means the world to me.

And now I want you to have it.

Kristy: Huh!

Haah!

(lighthearted music)

Hah.

Thanks, Dad!

It looks great!

Gotta rush!

Bye, Dad!

Josh (v.o.): And there goes our little princess off to Club Royals

to be the center of attention.

(techno music)

Ivan: Good evening, Miss Benedict, (kissing sounds)

Ruffy, and of course ... Estelle.

Estelle: Great.

I get greeted after the dog.

Ivan: Sorry we have to go through the riff-raff,

but we have to let them in to make a profit these days.

You would think by now they know their place.

Whatever happened to class?

Kristy: You look beautiful!

(unintelligible)

(techno music)

Estelle: Uh, sir, who are you and what are you doing at a reserved table?

Max: Reserved?

I didn't see a "reserved" sign.

Kristy: (gasps)

Estelle: Okay, don't freak out.

Don't freak out.

Kristy: (hyperventilates)

Breathe in and out.

Kristy: Okay.

Kristy: Okay, it's done.

Estelle: That's it.

That's it.

Good, good.

Kristy: Ivan, remove him!

(techno music)

Ivan: You need to leave, sir.

Max: Why?

Ivan: Because this booth is reserved for V-I-P!

Estelle: She is starting to freak out,

and you don't want to see that.

Max: Really?

Wow, that could be, uh, kind of sexy.

Billy: Sir, that's a reserved booth for VIPs.

Either get out or get moved out.

Max: Relax, tough guy.

Billy: That's it.

Ivan, call security.

Ivan: Security!

Kristy: I'll handle it, Billy.

Here, Estelle.

Estelle: (clears throat) Sir?

(techno music)

Max: What's this?

You'll buy me another drink?

Kristy: Estelle.

Give him one of the big ones.

Max: A hundred?

I don't have a price, ladies, and you don't have enough gold.

Billy: Obviously, you don't know who you're dealing with.

Max: Au contraire.

I do.

(kissing sound)

Kristy: Get out of my way!

(techno music)

Kristy: Why are all guys always so annoying?

Estelle: The nerve of the guy!

Kristy: I know!

(techno music)

Josh (v.o.): Even though Ivan thought he looked gorgeous in the tiara,

(whooshing sounds)

he knew he had to return it to Gerard.

(light music)

(crashing sound)

Kristy: Oopsie!

Another Ming vase bites the dust.

I didn't like it anyway.

Hi, Mom!

(door opening)

Hi, Dad!

I'm tired.

I'm going to bed.

Gerard: You know, I stopped caring about what time you got home about 15 years ago.

Kristy: Whatever.

Gerard: Kristy, where is your tiara?

Kristy: (gasps)

Oops!

I must have lost it in the club.

Gerard: What?

Wait a minute!

I told you how important that was to me and your mother!

How could you be so careless?

Do you have any idea what that thing was worth?

Kristy: What's the big deal?

We'll just get another one!

Gerard: Ano--

There is no other one!

I swear, Kristy, you are the most selfish woman that I know!

I am so glad your mother is not alive to see how you turned out!

You do nothing but take and take and give absolutely nothing in return!

Well, I'm going to cut off your trust fund as of right now

until you can prove to me that you're worth something

in this god forsaken universe!

Good night!

Kristy: Blah, blah, blah.

What did he say?

He's cutting me off?

He can't do that.

Can he do that?

(door closing)

(upbeat music)

Josh: Woo!

What a rush!

I could get used to this treasure hunting thing.

Max: Yeah, it's been a while since I've found something.

This is a good thing.

You're bringing us luck, Josh.

Josh: Yeah.

We make a good team, huh?

Like, uh, like Batman and Robin.

You're Robin, by the way.

Max: All right, Batman.

(upbeat music)

(car stops)

(car door closing)

Josh: Max!

Max, we should leave this in the car.

It might get stolen.

Max: Put that away, Josh.

A treasure hunter never reveals his bounty.

Josh: I'm holding on to one for good luck.

Max: I need the luck.

Robber #1: Now hold it right there and don't move a muscle!

(sinister music)

Get over there and empty your pockets in that hat!

Max: But you said to hold it right here.

Josh: You, you said don't move a muscle so..

Robber #1: Oh, right.

Okay, you can move a muscle, but not all of them,

just enough to, uh, to, you know, to, to do what I just said!

(whooshing sounds)

Robber #1: One of you get their pockets!

Robber #3: And what about these two?

If one of us goes and gets their wallets over there,

the one staying here will be outnumbered.

Robber #2: Yeah man!

What are we supposed to do?

(whooshing sounds)

Robber #1: Are you completely retarded?

Robber #2: Rock, paper, scissors.

Robber #3: Done!

Robber #1: What the hell!

One more time, I'm going to ask you nicely to get over here

and empty those pockets in that hat!

Come on now!

Get over there, macho man.

Come on.

You know what?

I'll take that backpack too.

Oh yeah.

(sinister music)

(fast-paced music)

Robber #1: Oh crap!

Aah!

Ow!

Oww!

Max: Hey!

Catch!

(punching sound)

(screaming)

Robber #3: I got him!

I got you!

Robber #1: Whoo-hoo!

(screaming)

(bumping sound)

(screaming)

(fast-paced music)

Josh: That's it.

That's it.

(fast-paced music)

Can I get some help over here?

(screams) Someone give me a hand!

Max!

(camera clicks)

Max: All right!

Josh: Don't move!

Robber #2: (screams)

Max: A squirt gun?

Robber #2: (grimaces)

(birds squawking/tweeting)

(whooshing sound)

Max: For once, I get a nice day's take, and it's lifted.

Just like that (snaps his fingers) gone.

Josh: We almost died.

It's like your life flashes before your eyes, and what did you accomplish?

What legacy did you leave behind?

Max: One way or the other, we're all searching for gold.

Take your sister.

She's completely searching in the dark.

Josh: Oh, and you got all of this from a cutout picture of her head?

Max: No.

I met her.

(upbeat music)

(camera clicks)

(lighthearted music)

Josh: What do you think?

Josh (v.o.): To teach Kristy a lesson and have her "earn" back her inheritance,

Gerard decided to stage an elaborate treasure hunt on his movie ranch.

We were all in on it.

Max, the treasure hunt expert; Eddie, who knew every acre of Gerard's land;

and me.

My job was damage control, namely Kristy.

She was going to be in for the shock of her life

because this is one place her gold card wouldn't help her.

But there was one thing we didn't count on .

Gloria.

(sinister music)

(light music)

Gerard: Ah, you look dazzling, princess!

Even without the tiara.

Kristy: Thank you, Daddy.

I have friends to impress, and you're making me late.

Gerard: Dress to impress but live to love.

That's what your mother used to tell me.

Live to love.

Kristy: Let me help you with that.

Gerard: Where is that little girl who used to sing with the birds

and laugh at the frog?

Kristy: I wasn't laughing at the frogs.

I kissed them, ugh, and look what it got me,

no Prince Charming.

Very silly, really.

I prefer late night champagne at The Royals,

a lunch or two at the Blue Sky Club.

Is that so wrong for a 29-year-old?

Hurry!

We have to make our grand entrance together.

(footsteps going down the stairs)

Gloria: Oh, Gerard.

Here, let me help you.

So how long has she been celebrating her 29th?

You'd think her friends would catch on by now.

Gerard: Oh, they've caught on, Gloria.

They just don't give a damn.

Besides, I doubt she has any true friends.

Except Josh, of course.

Gloria: There you go, handsome.

Gerard: You know, it's all my fault the way she is.

She was watching her mother dying for a year.

All I did was bury myself in my work.

Then when she was finally gone, instead of being there for her, I just ...

I just gave her a lot of stuff.

Gloria: She's a grown woman now.

Gerard: Maybe our little treasure hunt will sort her out.

If she's the woman I know she can be,

I can turn the whole trust over to her and take the pressure off of me.

Gloria: No!

I mean no way.

(sinister music)

No way that selfish little bimbo will live to see the day!

If I have anything to do with it.

(sinister music)

Damn, I look good.

(sinister music)

Get your filthy feet off the table, Victor!

Victor: Relax, sis.

Gloria: Don't call me sis!

He doesn't like you here.

He thinks you smell funny,

and you do.

This is what I want you to do.

I want you to get a couple of the boys together and stick to them like glue,

and then I'll see what I can find out from this end.

Is that clear?

Victor: Get a small crew together, stick to the crew like glue.

Gloria: No, not them, you pinhead!

Princess Kristy and her moronic brother.

You cannot let her get to the end of the hunt.

Is that clear?

Victor: Yeah.

No.

Gloria: You have to make sure that she has an accident!

Victor: Are you kidding?

Gloria: And then Gerard will find himself in the arms

of his trustful and loyal female, for companionship,

namely moi.

Victor: And what if he doesn't?

Gloria: Shut up, Victor!

You -- (knocking on door)

Oh my God, Victor!

He can't find you here!

You got to go hide!

Hide, hide, please!

(exhales)

Oh perfume, perfume.

Victor!

Have you lost what's left of your brain?

You can't hide there!

Victor: Can you see me there?

Gloria: Of course I can see you there!

Hide!

Victor: I'll see you at the party.

Gloria: (exhales)

(light music)

(techno music)

(laughter)

(techno music)

Billy: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a great big welcome

for our wonderful, wonderful birthday baby, Kristy!

(applause) (cheering)

Come on up, darling!

Come on up!

(techno music)

Aloha!

(applause)

(techno music)

(applause)

(cheering)

Happy birthday, Kristy!

(cheering) (applause)

(techno music)

Erik: So there I was in the jungle.

This little village was being attacked daily by an elephant.

I went into its hive.

They live in hives, you know.

It kind of freaked out and, uh,

trampled the village.

That story didn't turn out as quite as I liked,

but I can tell you about the time I tracked and killed Sasquatch.

(techno music) (whooshing sounds)

Gerard: Victor.

Victor: Hey, Gerard.

Gerard: I didn't know we were going to be graced by your presence today.

Victor: Oh no, no, uh, not Grace.

Gloria invited me.

Have some cake.

It's, uh, really good.

(techno music)

Boy: Hey, watch it, lady!

Girl: Oh my God, you just ruined my dress!

Reeza: Not my problem.

(techno music)

(whooshing sounds)

Erik: I thought he said terra-cotta.

Then I actually opened the door and it was an anaconda (laughs)

Kristy: Excuse me!

Birthday girl coming through, excuse me!

Max: Happy birthday, Kristy.

Kristy: And you are?

Max: Max Belvedere.

You remember.

Estelle: I know who he is!

He is the guy from the club the other night.

Kristy: You've got some nerve!

Josh: Hey, hey, this is my guest.

He was invited.

Kristy: Josh, where is my present?

Josh: Oh, yeah.

Here you go, sis.

Happy birthday.

Kristy: Thanks!

I'm so excited.

I hope it's better than the last one.

Ugh, 50,000 shares of Google, like, what good is that?

Josh: (laughs)

Kristy: What is this?

Josh: Oh, it, it's, uh, it's a compass.

Kristy: A compass?

What does it do?

Josh: (laughs) Well, this one's symbolic.

Kristy: Symbolic of what?

That you're a bad gift giver?

Josh: It gives direction when you're lost.

Max: And you're lost.

Kristy: I'm not lost!

I live in Beverly Hills, California.

Okay, seriously, Joshy, where is my real gift?

Josh: That, that's it.

Kristy: This is not a real gift!

Where is Daddy?

Estelle: Can I keep it?

Erik: (exhales) And that's how I got that rash (laughs)

Gloria: Excuse me.

Erik: Oh.

Gloria: Hello.

Erik: Hello.

Gloria: I'd like to hear a little more of your story.

Erik: Let me tell you about my giant sea turtle.

Gloria: Victor!

(techno music)

Kristy: Daddy!

I know I'm a disappointment to you because I lost the tiara,

but Joshy gave me a stupid present, and nobody loves me! (sobs)

Gerard: Honey, listen.

When you judge somebody, you don't define who they are.

You define who you are.

Kristy: You have to stop watching Dr. Phil!

He's over the top! (sobs)

Gerard: Kristy, I love you.

I care about your happiness.

Kristy: So where is my present then?

Gerard: Me, my, mine.

Is that all you could think about, Kristy?

Kristy: Yes!

It's my birthday, and I should have nice presents, shouldn't I?

Gimme, gimme, gimme! (sobs)

Gerard: Here.

That's the only present you're going to get from me.

Open it.

Kristy: Is it money?

It's a bunch of numbers!

Gerard: Josh and his friend will explain it to you.

Kristy: Is it a Swiss bank account, Daddy?

Gerard: It's a surprise.

Kristy: Daddy, I love your surprises!

Josh!

Don't you dare go anywhere.

What is my birthday surprise?

Josh: Uh, what do you mean?

Kristy: Look at it.

Max: Well, it wouldn't be a surprise if we told you now, would it?

Kristy: Excuse me, whatever your name is, it's none of your business.

Josh: He's a big part of this.

Without him, you're never going to find your surprise.

Kristy: Oh.

Uh, I don't think I've had the pleasure.

Could please tell me what these numbers are?

Max: All right.

Well, they're map coordinates to some location somewhere.

Josh: Okay, we're going on a treasure hunt.

You know, with backpacks and sleeping bags and your new compass.

But I gotta warn you, it's not going to be easy.

We're going to be climbing up mountains,

cold nights, creepy crawlies crawling all over you.

Max: And, uh, we leave 6:30 AM, sharp.

So make sure you're ready with your curlers, your lattes, and whatever you --

Kristy: Whatever.

I'll make my own arrangements, thank you!

(techno music)

Erik: Happy birthday,

Kristy!

(techno music)

(birds tweeting)

Gerard: Eddie, Josh and his friend are keeping an eye on things,

but I'm a little worried about something that just doesn't seem right.

Let me make some inquiries, and in the meantime,

could you see to it that Kristy finds what she's looking for?

Eddie (v.o.): Okay.

Gerard: Thanks, Eddie.

Eddie (v.o.): Yeah.

(hangs up phone)

(lighthearted music)

(upbeat music)

Josh: You've got to be kidding me.

Max: This is unbelievable.

What the hell is she thinking?

(trailer honking)

Max: Oh man!

Josh: You have to deal with this, all right, not me.

(upbeat music)

(trailer door opens)

Kristy: Good morning, all!

Josh: (laughs) Hey!

Kristy: Just a little something I picked up to make my trip a little bit more tolerable.

Max: Well, I hate to burst your bubble, princess,

but there is no way this monstrosity is going to go where we're going.

Kristy: Aww, with an experienced guide and driver, we'll have no difficulty.

Erik: (laughs) This baby is a beast, I tell you!

It's got a shower in there!

Haven't seen one of those in weeks.

Takes me back to when I used to run pig farms.

Max: Look princess, this guy is about two fries short of a Happy Meal.

Kristy: You're jealous!

Max: Of what?

Kristy: My looks, my money, my gold,

and my motor coach!

Just pick any of them!

Erik: So, long story short, that's how I accidentally became a ref in the NFL.

Max: Whatever!

Fine!

Erik: Hey, let me show you where I hid the TP and your makeup 'cause I ...

I was trying some of that out ...

(lighthearted music)

Josh: Okay, um, guys,

uh, let's start with the clue.

Kristy, could you read it, please?

(lighthearted music)

Kristy: I'll let you have it.

Max: Let me see that.

Wow.

Just as I thought, these are map coordinates.

Estelle: Is it a treasure map?

Kristy: Finally, you come to some use.

So where is it?

Estelle: I think he's looking.

Kristy: (whispers) Where is it?

(beeping sounds)

Max: I think this is it.

Josh!

Josh: Yeah?

Max: Josh!

Josh: Yeah?

In here?

Max: Uh-huh.

Kristy: They found something!

(lighthearted music)

(clunking sound)

Josh: Bingo!

Estelle: They found something!

They did!

Josh (v.o.): Being the nice guys that we are,

we decided to stage the first clue conveniently close to camp.

Estelle: There's a box!

Whoa!

(metal thump)

Kristy: What is it?

Is it the gold?

Estelle: I can't believe this.

Oh my God.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Kristy: (gasps)

Oh my God!

Max: Hold this, Josh.

Kristy: What is it?

Max: It's a flash drive.

Josh: Surprise!

Estelle: I'll get my laptop.

Kristy: I love Daddy's surprises.

Josh (v.o.): We all knew.

She had no clue what that was.

(clicking noises)

Kristy: Can you see anything?

What is it?

Josh: Look, it's a, it's a map.

Kristy: A treasure map?

Estelle: It looks like it.

Kristy: No poverty in my legacy.

Max: Since when did you ever have to face poverty anyway?

Josh: (laughs)

Kristy: It's all relative.

I've been going through some tough times lately.

Haven't I, Estelle?

Estelle: Sure, yeah, it, it's all relative.

Erik: You know I had a relative once, damnedest thing.

Max: Well, what's not relative is out here in the world,

right here and now.

Kristy: I can handle myself.

Max: All right, so, why don't you take your shoes off, and circle the trailer?

If you can't handle that, you sleep in my tent, and I sleep in the trailer.

Deal?

Estelle: No deal!

No!

Kristy: Deal!

Max: Ah, yes!

Estelle: Kristy!

Kristy: And it's not a trailer, it's a motor coach.

Max: (laughs) Okay.

Kristy: I don't sleep in trailers!

Josh: You're going to sleep in a motor coach tonight.

Maybe.

Kristy: Yeah, I'm fine.

Josh: All right, girl.

Estelle: Okay, be careful.

Josh: Hey, not so fast!

Estelle: Okay.

Wait for it.

Kristy: Ahhhh!

It's a snake!

Estelle: Coming right up.

Max: It's probably a snail!

Erik: A couple of rules about sleeping in the coach with old Erik here.

Number one, don't touch my feet.

I've got a fungus.

Number two, stay out of the bathroom around 7 PM.

I've got a routine that I need,

a little OCD I've got,

and, uh, if you hear noises, uh, that's just me, okay?

And, uh, thirdly, I have night terrors,

so I have a tendency to flail around screaming "Mommy, Mommy!"

(lighthearted music)

Kristy: I hate you!

(yells)

Josh (v.o.): So, we managed to survive our first day without too much drama.

Kristy: (sobs)

Josh (v.o.): Kristy slept in a tent for the first time in her life

while Max slept on thousand count sheets.

Kristy: (sobbing)

(birds squawking)

(tires screeching)

(crashing sound)

Victor: I don't know where the hell I am, Gloria.

I lost them some time back.

I've been driving all night.

You know how bad my night vision is.

Reeza: We are freakin' lost, ugh!

Victor: What?

What?

You're breaking up.

You're breaking up!

You're breaking up, Gloria!

What?

What?

Ah!

(birds squawking) (lighthearted music)

Max: Well, looks like we're headed over that hill.

Erik: Bummer.

Too bad, I wish it was that smaller hill over there.

It's a lot easier.

Kristy: Perhaps I should just stay here.

You guys don't really need me.

All right.

I just thought I was slowing you down.

(lighthearted music)

Let's take a break guys!

It is such a nice day!

All: What?

Kristy: I don't want to be last anymore (coughs).

Can someone trade places with me?

All: No!

Kristy: Oh God!

It's an avalanche!

We're all going to die!

(yells)

Eddie: Huh, amazing.

Seems like Kristy is having a good time.

Josh (v.o.): It took me a while to realize that Kristy's determination

to try and be part of the group was just to get Max's attention.

Erik: Look, if someone doesn't secure her, we're all going down the hill.

Kristy: It's an earthquake!

Max: Kristy, it's not an earthquake.

Stop moving.

It's not an avalanche.

Kristy: (coughs)

You're in my space!

I don't like to be touched!

Max: Hold on, Kristy.

Kristy: I'm fine!

I'm good.

I'm okay.

Max: Sure?

Kristy: I'm fine now.

Max: Hold on.

Kristy: I'm okay.

(yells)

(yelling)

Erik: Oh, nice landing! (laughs)

Oh!

Josh: (yells)

Max: Are you all right?

Erik: Get off me!

Josh: Come here, come here, baby!

Erik: (grimaces)

Kristy: Ouch!

Max: What's wrong?

Kristy: Can you please take me back to the motor coach?

Max: Wow, she said please.

Josh: Yeah, she probably bumped her head.

Shh.

Kristy: Ouch!

Josh: Is she okay?

(lighthearted music)

Josh (v.o.): There's something about the desert air.

Its warm winds can even melt the coldest icebergs,

given enough time.

A transformation was taking place in all of us.

We could all feel it.

(simultaneous conversations) (music)

Erik: There we go.

That's how it's done in the wild.

I got in a wrestling fight with a water buffalo ...

... in a zoo.

Josh: Shall we have a toast?

Erik: A toast.

Josh: To sleeping in tents.

Erik: To sleeping in tents.

Josh: And rolling down mountains.

Kristy: Yeah.

(simultaneous conversations)

Erik: I have gas, lots and lots of gas.

Max: All right, everybody.

Good night.

Josh: All right, have a good night.

Erik: Good night, Max.

Kristy: Good night.

Josh: Good night.

He left all his food.

Look at that.

(simultaneous conversations)

Erik: Yeah, it's me.

Yeah, I don't know about this anymore.

I kind of like these people.

Reeza: Shut up!

Erik: You've got deep issues, really deep issues.

I mean, you don't need a psychologist.

You need to go to Vienna, back where they really study psychology.

I mean, you need Carl Jung.

Something really is messed up in your head

to be screwing with these people this bad.

I mean ...

Reeza: Get me the location!

Erik: Whatever.

Listen, I'll get what you need, okay, but that's it.

I'm out of here after that, okay?

Reeza: (hangs up phone)

Erik: Hello?

Hello?

Did you hang up?

Hung up.

Coordinates.

Victor: Did you get the location?

Reeza: Not yet, but we are close.

Victor: Gloria's going to be all over me if I don't get that location.

Higan: (laughs)

Victor: I'm gonna go find a professional casino, where there's no idiots!

Higan: Boss, boss,

bring some more.

Not spice, okay?

Victor: Shut up, dope!

Higan: Spice give me gas.

(lighthearted music) (birds tweeting)

Kristy (v.o.): Estelle!

Where is my latte?

Estelle: Coming right up!

Coming right up!

She's pissed.

She's pissed.

Kristy (v.o.): I can't function without my latte!

Josh: I guess the magic of last night has worn off.

Max: Oh boy.

The demon woman's back.

Kristy: I can't function without my latte!

I simply cannot function!

Josh (v.o.): Kristy did a pretty good job hiding her misery in the desert,

Josh (v.o.): But sometimes, she slips.

Kristy: Oh!

My ankle is killing me!

Josh (v.o.): As she was not getting Max's attention,

she went to work a la Kristy style.

Josh: You know what?

We're going to call Eddie.

Kristy: Okay.

He is not far from here, and his wife is a nurse.

Kristy: Ow!

Okay.

Hurry!

Hurry!

Erik: I can't function without my latte!

For God's sake, will somebody call somebody?

Her words are like nails on a chalk board!

Kristy: Ow, it's too hot!

Josh: Eddie?

Hey, we're here at camp, Kristy's ankle.

Kristy: Soy milk!

Estelle: I'll get it.

Josh: Fifteen minutes?

Okay.

Kristy: Ouch!

Ouch!

Ow!

Oww, oww!

Oww, oww, oww, oww!

Josh (v.o.): It wasn't any surprise that Kristy was faking her sprained ankle

Kristy: Ouch, ouch!

Josh (v.o.): just to get attention from Max.

Kristy: Ouch, ouch!

Josh (v.o.): I don't think Max was buying it.

Kristy: Ouch, ouch, ouch!

Estelle: You know, I think we should go to town and take you to a doctor.

Josh: Oh no, no, Eddie's here!

(car motor running)

(car motor stops)

Eddie: Howdy, folks!

What's wrong?

You're all looking a little down.

Gotta hitch in your get-a-long (laughs)?

Josh: Yeah, Kristy got a flat tire here.

Eddie: Let me have a look at that ankle.

Hmmm.

I think we better have Wilma take a look at that.

I'll take you back to the house.

Kristy: I'll be all right.

Eddie: I don't know.

Twenty years of marriage with that woman, never seen a better nurse.

She'll fix you right up.

Josh: Thanks, Eddie.

Kristy: Okay.

Josh: Okay?

Kristy: I'll just go in and slip into something more appropriate then.

Oh, ouch!

Ouch!

Estelle!

Ouch!

(lighthearted music)

Estelle!

(lighthearted music)

And what are you?

Wilma: I'm a nurse.

What are you?

Kristy: I meant what are you doing?

Wilma: (laughs) Oh, we're rehearsing for "The Giants," acting, dancing.

Eddie is our manager.

Eddie: First, we need to get that foot taken care of, then we can gab.

Wilma: Yeah, right, let's do it.

Kristy: What's that?

Wilmer: We have a pool going on to see how much longer you're going to last

on this gold hunt of yours.

Kristy: What?

Wilmer: Look at yourself, missy.

Do you actually think that you belong out here?

Kristy: Why wouldn't I?

Wilma: Well, most of us provide some worthwhile services to society.

Wilmer: Oh, but wait a minute.

Every society needs a ditsy rich blonde

that we can all read about in the magazines.

(laughter)

Kristy: All right, that's enough!

Eddie: Okay, come on guys.

Lay off.

Wilmer: Whatever.

Wilma: In many ways, you remind me of your mother.

Kristy: You knew my mom?

Wilma: I was with her up to the very end, you know.

Kristy: You were?

Wilma: I adored your mother.

She had a heart of gold.

(lighthearted music)

Eddie: So, how is it?

Kristy: Much better, thanks.

Eddie: When you're ready to go, I'll run you on back to camp.

Kristy: Thank you.

Thank you both.

Wilma: You're welcome.

(lighthearted music)

Kristy: Eddie, I didn't know you and Wilma knew my mother.

Eddie: We've known your family forever, I think.

Ever since you were just a little thing.

All this land here, over 100 acres of it all belongs to your pop.

Kristy: Oh, I didn't know that.

Eddie: I've been managing it for over 40 years for him.

That's how Josh got hooked up with your family.

He was with me first, then your pop turned it into a movie ranch,

just after I met him.

Kristy: Really?

(lighthearted music)

Thanks, Eddie!

Ruffy!

Ruffy, my baby!

Mommy's home! (barking sounds)

(light music)

Max: Hey, are you having trouble sleeping?

How is your foot?

Kristy: Much better, thank you.

Max: You, uh, you care to take a walk?

(laughs) That's cute, um, but I can fix that.

Kristy: Okay.

Max: All right.

Let's try it on.

Kristy: (laughs)

A little loose.

Max: Thanks.

Kristy: Just my style.

Max: (laughs) Yeah, it kind of matches your outfit, right?

Kristy: (laughs)

Max: All right.

Kristy: I can trip and fall.

Max: I'll be there to catch you.

(light music)

So, shall we?

Kristy: I've never seen so many stars.

Max: Look!

There's a shooting star.

Kristy: Where?

Max: Right there!

Make a wish.

Kristy: I wish I could believe in that.

Max: Well, I believe that anything is possible if you make it happen.

Kristy: I'm beginning to wonder what I'm doing here.

Maybe I should just go home.

Max: No, you shouldn't.

Kristy: I'm not sure I belong here.

Max: Well, we all have obstacles to overcome.

Mine's gambling.

So now, I just play slot machines.

Kristy: (laughs)

Max: Everything is going to be okay, Kristy.

For both of us.

Kristy: For both of us?

Max: Yeah.

For both of us.

(lighthearted music)

(lighthearted music)

Kristy: Rise and shine!

(thud)

Estelle: Rise and shine?

Rise and shine?

Wait a second.

Who are you and what have you done to Kristy?

What happened to "where's my latte?"?

Kristy: What a good idea, Estelle.

Let's make some lattes.

It's a beautiful day for the treasure hunt.

Max: Definitely.

(light music)

Erik: I don't know what's going on here, romantic walks and moonlight serenades,

I, I'm going to check the oil, okay?

(sinister music)

Victor: Hello, Gloria!

Come in!

Gloria: Victor, you dimwit!

Victor: What?

Gloria: Idiot!

Victor!

Victor: What?

Gloria: Hello?

Victor?

Victor: Gloria!

Hello, come in.

Gloria: Why isn't that blonde bimbo bitch pushing up daisies yet?

Victor: What?

(phone disconnected)

Gloria: Hello?

Victor?

Damn!

Damn, damn you buffoon!

Ugh!

(sinister music)

Victor: God, I hate cell phones!

Reeza: Cool it, Victor.

We know where they are now.

Gloria can just chill.

Victor: Yeah, we know where the base camp is.

Not the gold.

(thumping sound)

(laughs) Look at that.

They all fell down.

Higan: Spicy.

(pop song)

Max: Here.

Kristy: Thank you.

Max: Anytime.

Kristy: (laughs)

Max: Here you go, Josh.

Josh: Oh!

Why, thank you.

(gags)

(car door closing)

(pop song)

Oh, geez.

You guys like to get a tent or something?

Kristy: Yeah.

Josh: Ow!

So hard!

(pop song)

Kristy: We made it!

Good workout!

Max: Oh, this is great.

Josh: That is not a hill.

That's technically a mountain, I think.

Max: Okay, let's go one step to the left.

Kristy: One step to the left.

Max: Another two steps to the left.

Kristy: Two steps to the left.

Max: And one step to the right.

Kristy: One step to the right.

Josh: Okay.

Max: Bingo!

Josh: Where?

Kristy: This is so exciting!

Josh: There must have been an alien abduction last night.

What kind of spell did you put on my sister?

Max: Voila!

It's a cave.

Kristy: It's a cave?

Let me see!

Let me see!

Let me see!

Max: Right over there to the right.

Kristy: Right.

Max: Uh-huh.

Kristy: Oh, you're a genius!

You found my gold!

Let's go!

Let's go!

Josh: Yay!

(pop music)

Max: All right.

We're almost there.

We better get our jackets out.

It's going to be cold inside.

Kristy: Okay.

Josh: It's dark in there.

Max: Let's go!

Be careful.

There may be really large bats inside.

Kristy: What?

Max: Just kidding.

(pop music)

(sinister music)

(footsteps)

Kristy: Someone's already been in here.

Josh: Yeah, yeah.

I think I saw some big foot tracks down there.

(farting sound)

Kristy: Oh my God!

Please!

Max: Wasn't me.

Josh: My bad.

It's all this kneeling down.

Max: What the hell?

It's a dead end.

Josh: This can't be right.

Check the coordinates again.

(beeping sounds)

Max: They're right.

Kristy: Open it.

Maybe it's a door.

(metal thunk)

Max: No, it's a metal plate.

Let me see if I can push it open.

There is something blocking it.

Kristy: Look!

I found something.

Josh: Let me see.

That's a key, but I don't see a key hole.

(beeping sound)

Kristy: What's that?

Max: Uh, it's a little something Santa left me.

(beeping sounds)

Kristy: What?

Max: All right guys, back up.

We only got a couple of seconds.

(beeping sounds)

(whooshing sounds)

(upbeat music) (whooshing sounds)

(tiny explosion)

Female: (screams)

(bumping sound)

Director: Cut, cut, cut!

Why would you ...?

Who, who iz du?

You ruin my shot!

You ruin my shot!

Why you do that?

Marty, did you hire deez extraz?

You so fired!

You so fired!

Marty, Marty, did you hire the extraz here?

Why Marty, Marty, who deez extra?

Did you order them?

Marty: I don't know.

Director: You make it a boom then a bang?

Whatchu do?

Marty: No, no, no no.

Director: Let me see that.

Marty, you're fired!

You're fired!

Shizah, fuzzah!

You're all fired!

You're all fired!

Get off of my set!

Max: (laughs)

Josh: Well, that obviously wasn't the right coordinates.

Max: It's the right place.

We must be just off a little.

Kristy: But we are at the cave.

Max: It covers a lot of area, Kristy.

Let's go back to the camp and try this again in the morning,

when we have the exact coordinates.

Josh: That sounds like a plan.

Max: All right, move on.

Josh: Now did anyone else find that a little odd?

Max: No, not at all.

Kristy: What do you expect?

It's Daddy's movie ranch.

(sinister music)

(farting sound)

Higan: Spicy.

(thumping sounds)

(knocking sounds)

Erik: Hello.

Victor: Way to look out, Higans.

Erik: Do you want to hear what I got or not?

Victor: This changes the whole playing field now, doesn't it?

Erik: Now, you promise no one will get hurt, right?

Victor: Yeah, nobody gets hurt.

Erik: Get the cash and return the girl?

Victor: Just the cash.

(thumping sounds)

Erik: You're going to hit her with a dart or something?

What are you doing?

Victor: I don't know.

Erik: What do you mean you don't know?

Victor: Nobody is going to get hurt.

Erik: Alright, no one will get hurt then? (thumping sound)

Why do you keep throwing darts when you say no one is going to get hurt?

Are you going to hurt her with a dart or something?

Victor: Just the cash, that's all I want.

(thumping sound)

Erik: You're doing it again!

Are you saying 'yes' to the cash and 'no' to the hurt?

Victor: Just the cash, no girl.

Erik: I gave you that knowing that you wouldn't hurt her.

(thumping sound)

You're not convincing me here.

Are you all right?

I mean it's ...

You just want cash and returning girl?

Victor: Just the cash.

Erik: Okay.

Okay.

Victor: Good.

Erik: Nice place you have here.

Victor: Higans.

(thumping sound)

Kristy: Ruffy!

Ruffy!

Ruffy's missing!

Where could she be?

Estelle: Oh no, that's horrible!

Max: When was the last time you saw her?

Kristy: She was sleeping next to me like always!

Estelle: It's going to be okay.

We're going to find her.

Max: Okay everybody, let's, uh, let's check the area.

Estelle: We're going to find her, come on.

Estelle: Just go over there.

Ruffy!

Kristy: Ruffy!

My little girl!

Erik: I'm sure we'll find her.

She's probably around here somewhere taking a whiz.

Kristy: But what if ...

Josh: Ruffy!

Max: That way, Joshy.

Estelle: Ruffy!

Max: Ruffy!

Estelle: Come here!

Josh: Ruffy!

Erik: Oh, I, I think I ...

No, that's not her.

Thought I saw something.

Josh: Ruffy!

Estelle: This is bad.

If we don't find Ruffy, it's like a year of therapy.

Max: Ruffy!

Kristy: Ruffy!

Erik: Ruffy, where are you? (laughs)

Probably coyote food (laughs).

Kristy: Ruffy!

(sinister music)

Ruffy!

Ruffy!

Ruffy!

Victor!

What are you doing here?

(punching sound)

Victor: Oh!

(punching sound)

Reeza, you hit me in the mouth.

Reeza: Sorry, boss.

Victor: You don't seem sorry.

It hurt.

(sinister music)

Kristy: (mumbles)

(sinister music)

(barking sound)

Kristy: (mumbles) Ruffy, Ruffy!

Victor: I'll be taking that.

Okay everybody, as of right now the plan goes into effect.

You whiny little brat!

Thought you could outsmart me, didn't ya?

Reeza: Victor!

Victor: Oh right.

Gotta go!

Kristy: (mumbles) Ruffy, Ruffy!

(sinister music)

(barking sounds)

(barking sounds)

Max: Ruffy is back, and she's dragging something.

It's addressed to "Prince Benedict".

Josh: Let me see that.

"We've got your pain in the ass of a sister.

"That spoiled, uneducated, miserly, two-timing ..."

I mean it just keeps going.

"If you want to see her alive again,

"put the coordinates for the treasure in a brown paper bag.

"Leave it under the wagon wheel next to the oil drum

"by the tree next to the red rock gas station.

"Bring the coordinates, and we'll bring the princess from hell."

It says, "We are very desperate ex-communists from Spain."

No, Spain is crossed out.

"Kazakhstan," spelled incorrectly, is put in its place.

Max: So were obviously dealing with professionals here.

What the hell are we going to do?

Josh: I want to get to the car.

My phone's in there.

(serious music)

Gerard: Thanks, Josh.

Eddie, I'm afraid my suspicions were right.

They've kidnapped Kristy.

(dialing phone)

Put me through to Lester Perkins.

Josh: Hey, it's almost 12 o'clock.

We should get going.

Max: Yeah, I hope Eddie can track them from here.

I have a feeling she's real close.

Josh: And then what are we going to do?

Max: The hell if I know.

Josh: That's comforting.

(sinister music) (birds squawking)

Kristy: (mumbles)

Erik: What?

Kristy: (mumbles)

Erik: What?

Kristy: (mumbles)

Erik: What?

I can't understand a word you're saying.

Kristy: (mumbles)

Erik: Oh for God's sakes.

Kristy: Ouch!

You are the one who let Ruffy out, aren't you?

Erik: Ruffy's back.

She's fine.

I would never have hurt her, okay?

Just relax.

Kristy: Erik.

Erik: What?

Kristy: These ropes are hurting me.

Erik: Don't tell me a girl like you has never been tied up before.

I'm sure you're enjoying it, okay.

Kristy: But they are too tight.

Erik: What's wrong with being tied up?

It's nice to be tied up sometimes.

Don't you like being ... I like being tied up sometimes, you know.

It's kind of cool.

Just sit back and go with it, okay?

Kristy: I'll give you a surprise.

Erik: Really?

Kristy: Mm-hmm.

Erik: Ah, what the hell.

This is all going to crap anyway, right?

I mean, you're going to give me a surprise,

and I'm sure into that because you've got a couple of nice surprises there,

if you know what I mean.

They look pretty nice.

Kristy: All right, here it goes.

(slaps) That's for staring at my breasts!

(slaps) That's for letting Ruffy out!

And that's for pissing me off!

Erik: Ow!

(high-pitched voice) What's up, Higans?

Reeza: Sit down, bitch!

Kristy: Nobody calls me bitch, bitch!

Higan: Don't you just love a good bitch fight?

Erik: I beg your pardon, sir.

Those two happen to be beautiful ladies.

I'll give you five to one on the one with the big rack.

Higan: Don't bet on her.

She's going to be dead when Gloria gets here.

(punching sound)

Kristy: Ah, ow!

Higan: In fact, so are you.

(sinister music)

Higan: (laughs)

Erik: I think I forgot to lock my car.

Oh (laughs).

All righty, you want to do this?

Okay.

Okie dokie.

Kristy: (grunts)

Erik: I'll be back to deal with you later, sugar plums (kissing sound).

Daddy's going to go to work.

All right, meat head.

How about this? (punching sound)

You like that? (laughs)

(punching sound)

I got another one!

Oh yeah!

Oh, okay, you want to still stand, huh?

(punching sound) Come on now!

(punching sound) Aah!

(laughs)

You son of bitch, I hate you!

Oh my God!

Oh!

Look, I'm not a good dancer!

Oh!

(punching sound) Oh!

(thumping sound)

Higans: (coughs)

Erik: (laughs) I can't believe you just swallowed the dart.

Oh!

Little sugar wants to dance, I see.

Ow!

I don't kiss on a first date.

(sinister music)

Reeza: I am tired of this.

(punching sound)

(action music)

Kristy: (grunts)

Reeza: You bitch!

(grunts)

(slapping sounds) (grunts)

(thud)

Reeza: Ow!

Erik: I told you I'd get you, sweet cheeks (laughs).

If I were you, I'd run.

Kristy: I'm taking this.

Erik: Thanks for the surprise.

(suspense music)

(car door closes)

(suspense music)

(car motor runs)

(sinister music)

GPS (v.o.): Turn left 30 feet.

Turn right at next junction.

Go straight.

Stop.

This is a dead end.

Go back.

Turn left.

Turn right.

Go back.

Turn around.

Circle back 50 feet and turn left.

Stop.

Go back.

Where are you going?

Go straight.

Turn right.

10 feet.

Where are you going?

Victor: Rats!

GPS (v.o.): You are lost.

(sinister music) (birds squawking)

Josh: What is Victor doing here?

(fast-paced music)

(lighthearted music)

(car horn honking)

Kristy: Eddie!

(lighthearted music)

(fast-paced music)

Josh: We might be making a mistake giving him the coordinates.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Yeah?

Eddie has Kristy.

(sinister music)

Max: Let's go get Kristy.

I'm driving.

Josh: Okay, I'm coming.

Bye.

(motor running)

GPS (v.o.): Turn left, Butte Road, 200 feet ahead.

Victor: I have a question, ma'am.

Are these the right directions?

GPS (v.o.): Turn right, Burma Road, 50 feet ahead.

Reeza: You heard the lady.

Turn right!

(screaming)

Higan: You are going to get us killed!

(tires screeching)

Victor: Whoa, whoa!

No back-seat driving!

(fast-paced music)

If you two shut your mouth every once in a while

and you figure out where I'm going!

All right, let's get to work.

Yeah, we 'otta figure.

Hey Higans, give me your ...

Higan: No, no boss.

This mine.

Victor: Come on, Higans.

Higans: I'm big guy.

Victor: You know, you're disrespectful, Higans.

(car motor sounds)

Kristy: Oh my gosh, Eddie, it's them!

Victor: Well, well, well.

(sinister music)

I'll handle this.

Well, isn't this cute?

(laughs) Coming around, huh?

You want it with the right, you want it with the left,

or should I pile drive you into the dirt?

Oh boy!

Kristy: (gasps)

Victor: Ahh.

(fast-paced music)

Kristy: Good job, Eddie!

Victor: I will ... aah!

I will pile you into the dirt, you little creep!

Yeah, you need a bat!

Get me out of this thing!

Higans, take care of that.

Kristy: Max!

Max: Kristy!

Higan: What's up, pretty boy?

Want a piece of this?

Max: Oh yeah?

Bring it on!

(police siren)

(sinister music)

Erik: Nobody move!

Kristy: Erik, what is this all about?

Erik: Well, Kristy, Gloria and her brother, Victor, over here

have been siphoning millions off your inheritance from your estate.

Reeza: You idiot!

Victor: Ahhhhh, get her off me!

Reeza: Idiot!

Erik: Reeza, why don't you give it a break, okay?

Victor: You heard him, give it a rest!

Erik: Lester Perkins, FBI.

(whooshing sounds)

Josh: What?

Victor: I thought you were an actor.

Erik: Actually, I have more aspirations of being a director.

Josh: Whoa, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm just, I'm just trying to figure this out.

So you're a mole for my Dad, a spy for Reeza, a driver for my sister,

and an FBI agent?

Erik/Lester: Yeah.

Josh: With aspirations to act and direct?

Erik/Lester: Yeah (laughs), that pretty much sums it up.

Josh: Wow!

Does that make you a quadruple-agent?

Erik/Lester: Yeah, I guess so, yeah.

Kristy: And I thought my life was complicated.

Erik/Lester: Victor here and Gloria have been planning this for God knows how long.

Took until the treasure hunt that this all came out in the open.

I'm really sorry I had to deceive you guys.

Josh: No, we thank you.

Erik/Lester: Well, we'll always have the hill (laughs).

It was a good fall there, Josh.

All right!

(car starts)

Erik/Lester (v.o.): Now let's go get Gloria.

Josh: It's been a crazy week.

From the bar fights, falling down a mountain, being a part of an FBI sting.

Max: We should just have a rest over here and take a load off.

Josh: Hey, I have an idea.

I'm feeling kind of lucky about, about the day.

How about we give it one more shot with the treasure?

Max: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

You're right.

Let me check the GPS.

(beeping sounds)

Wow.

We may just get lucky here.

Josh: Really?

Max: We're pretty close.

I'll have a look.

Josh: All right.

I'll just protect Kristy here.

I've got the bat.

Make sure she's safe.

Kristy: Thanks, Joshy.

Josh: Hey Eddie, how you doing?

Eddie: I'm just waiting to see how this all plays out.

Max: Wow.

This is worth a lot of money.

All right.

Josh: Oh!

Max: Found our treasure.

Josh: Let me see.

Happy birthday, sis. (lighthearted music)

Kristy: Thank you.

Josh: Do you have the key?

Kristy: It's already open.

Josh: Let's see what's inside.

Kristy: Okay.

(lighthearted music)

It's a note.

"My Dear Princess, Happy Birthday.

"Never forget who you are.

"Remember and please live by what I always said:

"Live to love.

"I love you with all my heart.

"Forever, Mom."

It's a diary.

It's my mom's legacy, the proof of her heritage.

She was a real princess!

And that makes me ...

(lighthearted music)

Max: Princess.

Kristy: That's all I ever wanted to be.

Eddie: I always knew you're a princess.

Kristy: Thank you, Josh, for showing me what matters most in life.

Family, friends, and love.

(birds squawking)

(punching sound)

(screams)

Higan: Let it go!

Shut up!

(sinister music)

Max: Take that!

(thud)

(fast-paced music)

Josh: Aah!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, um, whoo, sorry.

Just got a little excited there.

I never punched anyone before.

(fast-paced music)

Eddie: That's two today!

I'm on a roll, man.

Josh: Eddie, handcuffs!

(dials phone)

Josh: Yo, Erik!

Umm, I forgot your real name.

Get back here.

I got another one for you.

Eddie: See you guys later!

(lighthearted music)

(car motor running)

(lighthearted music)

Max: Kristy, will you be my princess?

Please?

(soaring music)

Josh: Guys, please.

Can you wait, wait till later?

I mean I'm, I'm still here.

I think I just vomited a little bit in my mouth.

Can we please?

I need to take a shower.

I've been in the desert for 3 days.

Max: Wait a minute.

I know of a place.

Josh: Yeah?

Kristy: Is there any shopping?

Just kidding.

(laughs)

(soaring music)

Erik/Lester: Gloria, you're going away for a very, very long time.

Just take this around here.

Hang on a second.

Gloria: Oh for goodness' sake!

Erik/Lester: Oh, you're good at that (laughs).

Gloria: Damn!

Erik/Lester: Oopsie daisy (laughs).

You're going to probably need that (laughs).

There you go.

You need that in prison.

It's money.

Gerard, pleasure doing business with you.

Gerard: Lester Perkins, you're a good man.

Erik/Lester: Thank you.

Gloria: I am going to one of those country club prisons, am I not?

Erik/Lester: I'm afraid not.

You see, all those prisons are filled up with politicians at the moment.

You're going to maximum security prison.

Gloria: Well, maybe there is something we could work out.

Erik/Lester Well, I could send you to the loony bin.

They have nicer pillows, but that's because of the shock treatment.

Huh, let me think about it.

Take her away.

Gloria: Watch the nail!

Erik/Lester: Lester Perkins, FBI.

(upbeat music)

Josh: All right!

Max: My expert treasure hunting skills

leads me to believe that the gold is right ...

Kristy: Here!

Max: Wait!

(pop music)

(coins dropping)

(yelling)

Alex: Whoa, man!

What's happening here?

(coins dropping)

Josh: Isn't this crazy, man?

Hey, yo, can I see that real quick?

Alex: Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Josh: Let me teach you a little something.

Kristy: Josh, don't do it!

(yells)

Josh: Whoa!

(thud)

Alex: (laughs) I guess not, man.

Kristy: Are you okay, Joshy?

Max: Joshy, I thought you could skateboard (laughs)

(pop music)

Josh (v.o.): So now you know how I ended up here,

surrounded by the gold and the beautiful.

(tender song)

After the transformation in the desert and getting her inheritance back,

Kristy founded a charity for single parent kids,

C.A.P.

(tender song)

Kristy: What a lucky girl.

(tender song)

Max: Princess, will you marry me?

Kristy: Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Josh (v.o.): And they lived happily ever after.

Mission accomplished!

Or not.

(record skipping)

Max: So, is Kristy really a princess?

Gerard: (laughs)

(whooshing sound)

(upbeat music)

Josh (v.o.): So the treasure hunt did change Kristy.

(pop song)

Okay, but not all that much.

(pop song)

The only downside was we had to rush little Ruffy back into therapy.

(dog barking)

It seems the trauma of the treasure hunt had given poor Ruffy an eating disorder.

(pop song)

(barking sounds)

(plane flying sound)

So in the end, Kristy will always be Kristy.

And we love her just the way she is.

Kristy: (screams)

Josh (v.o.): Well, most of the time (laughs)

Kristy: Where is my latte?

I simply cannot function without my latte!

(pop song)

I'm okay.

(whirring sound)

(pop song)

(camera clicks)

(pop song)

(tender song)