Original subtitles

Private Donut, reporting for duty, sir.

Ready to fight some aliens!

Couple things here, rookie.

First off, Private Donut?

I think somebody needs a new nickname.

And secondly, what's with the armor color?

This is the standard issue red.

There's only two types of people who wear standard issue armor.

Officers and, uh, the, uh...

Really trustworthy and likable people?

Hey! I'm the suck-up around here.

Don't step on my territory.

I'm sorry, sir! It won't happen again.

What did I just say?

Hey, Grif, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I just...

I got the weirdest sense of deja vu, again.

Why does this keep happening?

I've been getting it too.

Man, I bet the Blues never have to put up with this.

-I didn't feel anything. -Nobody asked you.

You know what? Forget what I said before.

We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing.

Probably two or three chicks apiece!

Yes, your heterosexuality has been noted, Tucker.

Man, what's your deal, Church?

You've been acting like a real asshole today.

Yeah, well, can you remember a time when I haven't been an asshole?

-Good point. -See?

There you go!

You...dummy.

Sounds like good old fashioned Church to me!

Shut up, rookie. You just got here.

And we don't need any suck-ups like that maroon guy over on Red Team.

-Ah, sorry, sir! -What did I just say?

Both of you shut up!

Caboose, why don't you head inside and stand next to the flag?

We're, uh, expecting a general to visit today.

Make sure you give him whatever he wants.

-Oh! Um... -Just do it, Caboose.

Yes, sir!

-Hey, Church? -For the love of...

What, Tucker?

How'd you know the rookie's name was Caboose?

What?

Uh, he said it, like, ten times.

But he's been here like five minutes.

Grandfather!

Knock, knock?

Oh, what a cock-up.

That irksome toy!

That idiot...

A hammer that makes prisons.

Ridiculous.

Genkins.

Chrovos! There you are.

I never can spot you in here.

Could you please be larger?

Do you bring good news from the past?

Nope!

Also, why am I doing this again?

We were meant to be done by now.

There was a complication.

If you want this over quickly, then there's the door.

-Sorry, where? -There.

-There is the door. -I'm sorry.

Are you pointing at something?

Yes, I'm pointing to it.

You're a ball!

How are you pointing to it?

Will you please take a proper physical form?

Oh, for crying out loud.

-There! -That would get weird.

This would get weird, wouldn't it?

Fine, here.

You haven't seen many people over the eons, have you?

That form is a bad idea, and I'll show you why.

Say something. Anything.

I am Chrovos! Ugh, oh, my God.

Horrible! I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

This is a disaster!

Oh, wait.

I've been meaning to try this one.

There we are.

The shape of vengeance itself, an hourglass figure!

Oh, too on the nose?

It's a time reference.

Grandfather, I don't even know where to start.

So don't.

Why should you get all the shapeshifting fun?

What do we do with the Shisno?

And incidentally, who named them Shisno?

It's a derogatory term for human, right?

The prophesy predicted they would be human,

and the fates are, I guess, racist?

Leave him to me. He's just where I want him.

On his back and unconscious?

No. Ugh, will you get back to work?

Oh, what-what happened?

Oh! Still alive?

Hmm...

|-- I don't...

Oh, I love this.

Gods can't kill Shisno.

I was just releasing some pent up aggression.

While you have that fragment of Chrovos' power,

you're like the world's best stress ball.

I—I'd prefer if I wasn't.

Oh, just one more reason I'm glad to have you!

I know I had my doubts, but credit where it's due.

From one relative of Chrovos to another, well done!

I don't understand.

I'd love to stay and explain but...

Nope! That's a lie. You're so boring.

Toodles!

Ah! Hey!

Just because it doesn't hurt physically,

doesn't mean it doesn't hurt emotionally.

You struck me with a hammer.

Chrovos?

I resurrected you from my own essence.

Do you know what that hammer did?

Did it give you a sex change?

You owe a debt of pain too large for one mortal life.

Your friends will pay dearly for this, young Donut.

Pay dearly? For what?

You got out, Chrovos, you're...

free?

It worked!

You're not free!

In your face, you spooky freak!

I knew I could do it, and technically no one can disprove that.

I saved the, the...

the uni-universe.

Oh, there's more to it, isn't there?

Yes, Donut.

True, the hammer touched me, binding me to this place, but too late.

Your friends broke time itself.

My friends! Are they okay?

No. And it's not just your friends at risk now.

-Humanity? -Bigger.

-Earth? -I said bigger!

America?

Light has yet to reach the depths of your ignorance.

Look, this mark here is where your friend, um...

Washington, was it?

This is where he was saved.

Wash!

They did it! They saved him!

And utterly shattered time in the process.

Aw, they did it? They saved him!

Your very lives are now the weakness in my prison.

Your shared history was the backswing before the hammer's strike,

and is now a period of soft time to be traversed.

Interfered with.

Poked at to create alternate timelines.

Each another crack in my prison.

Look.

Church?

Aw, this is where Church gets killed by a tank.

Why are you showing me this?

Listen.

I'm going for the Jeep. Cover me!

-Say it. -That's not Church!

No.

-Son of a bitch! -Son of a bitch!

-Son of a bitch. -Church?

Things are going to get very strange in your past.

Church, what are you doing?

Though your friends don't realize it,

they're reliving their past, on rails.

It's as though they're re-reading a story,

and there in the story with them, playing whomever he pleases is...

-Genkins. Firing main cannon.

Turret blockage. Cannon offline. Please return to...

-Son of a bitch. -Son of a bitch.

...dealership for repair.

Possessing Al-ready individuals, unmaking history.

Whoa! That's the coolest shit I've ever seen.

Whew! That was close.

And creating paradoxes.

Alternate timelines, methodically rupturing the integrity of time itself.

Freeing me, crack by crack.

Mother of gosh!

But there's something for everyone.

Let's see, in this alternate timeline here...

Mmm, Tucker.

With someone to look up to,

your teammate finds his footing as a leader much earlier.

I am Lavernius Tucker

and you will fear my laser sword!

Whoa!

It is his undoing.

He is eventually killed while trying to leap a tank over a battleship.

But he lives a powerful and confident existence, briefly.

That's not such a bad life.

And in this timeline,

it appears Caboose wound up on the Red team?

Sergeant! You are my very best friend.

And you're like the delightful pet cat I never had.

-Muffy. -Aw, that one's nice.

Very. And every one of them serves me.

I'll be free in no time.

-Nuh-uh. -Interesting counterpoint, Donut.

Oh, please, do tell me more.

I'm gonna stop you!

Doubtful. Your past has nothing in store for you

but a maelstrom of time flowing in every direction at once.

That and utter disappointment.

Your friends lack our perspective, let's say.

Any attempts to free them will only create paradoxes.

Oh, I hate you, time travel!

You would be able to travel as Genkins does,

possessing iterations of yourself anywhere along this...

Crack period? This Singularity?

Oh, what should we name this original crack here?

The one representing you and your friends' lives.

Uh, I-I, I don't...

Come on, humor me, this is a collaboration!

Uh, The Everwhen?

No!

Anyway, I'm telling you all this because your meddling will hasten my release.

Have at it!

Yesterday, you'll wish you started tomorrow.

Little time traveler motivational there.

I can't just do nothing! I have to try.

Uh, screw around with me, but don't screw around with my friends.

If anyone's gonna do any screwing around here, it's me screwing you!

I'm going to save my friends.

You're extremely welcome to try.

I'm coming!

What, what's, what's happening to me'?

Was that Valhalla?

-Hey, Caboose! -Ah, pink.

Am I just seeing things as I name them?

Uh, Wash with a beard!

Canadian Lopez!

Wait a minute. I remember this.

These are memories.

Okay, focus, Donut. Time's happening all at once.

Just gotta concentrate on one memory and stay there.

A strong memory.

Think, Donut, think.

-Ooh! -Donut?

Why did it have to be this memory?

Donut, no! Donut, Donut, are you okay?

Come on, breathe, Donut, breathe!

Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?

It's okay. I'll just focus myself on some other memory.

-Ow-ow-ow. -Donut?

-Still getting the hang of it. -Donut, no! Donut!

-Aw, come on! -Donut? Donut, no!

They are the Froot Loops

and you're just a generic brand Sugar Rings.

Donut, you okay?

Just a little hemorrhage.

You have internal bleeding?

Bloods meant to be internal, right?

-So no biggie. -There's no bigger biggie.

This is the biggest biggie that ever bigged.

Anyway, ha-ha, Doc, that was a great thing

situation or and or activity you were talking about.

Uh, what?

But I have some important news.

Where am I?

Temple's Underwater Base?

Of course I am.

Guys, this is life or death. I need you to listen.

I actually wasn't finished, but whatever.

Y'all, gather around me, okay?

Guys?

-Nah. -Nah?

|-- I just value my time, Donut.

What do you mean?

Every time you talk, it's like a buffet of sex gags.

And today I, me, Tucker of all people,

just do not have anymore patience for innuendo.

-In-my-en-do? -Ah, see, that's exactly--

Donut, what I think Tucker is saying is he'd like half as many entendres.

-I don't get it. -I wanna say ambiguous,

but that contains "big," "you," and "us" and I'm nervous about what you'll do with it.

I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

-Guys. -Here it comes.

We are inching towards an explosive climax.

-That, that is what I mean. -Fine!

Gosh darn it fine! I'm leaving.

Good, go!

_So? - Hu.

-But, are you... -Why is everyone looking at me?

Is there something on my face? ls there a spider on me?

There's no way I'm giving up the Grif shot.

Please what were you gonna do? Eat off it?

Uh, actually, dickhead,

I asked Donut to mount it for me in the base.

And you know I can't resist...

a good mounting.

-Wow! -You okay, man?

Yeah, just reliving every sentence I've ever said.

-Huh, Tucker was right about me. -That's a good rule of thumb, actually.

Anyway, guys, listen.

I've come from the future.

ORGY--...

-What were we saying? -Hey!

Well, I was getting to my plan for crashing a Freelancer facility.

But I seem to have lost my train of thought, Donut.

Guys, I have something to tell you. Are you ready?

I had a speech prepared and everything.

-Yeah? -Yeah, but it's gone.

Ah, go on, let's hear it.

Well, okay, let me think here.

I'm sure it's gonna be great.

-Oh, stop it, you! -Why does no one listen to me?

You're listening to Wash and he shot me!

That-- That was a long time ago.

Multiple times today!

I'm sorry, it's been a weird three minutes.

I'm-- I'm just gonna...

And action!

Greetings, weary traveler.

We represent the timeline.

I am the past where things cost less!

And people knew the value of a hard day's work.

But they only live to be 28 years old.

Okay, let's try again.

-I'm from the future. -Hey, that's my line.

And I'm the present, which sucks,

because we have nothing cool, and also no morals.

Guys, I have a message from the future.

You're supposed to be the narrator and I'm supposed to be from the future.

No, I'm from the future!

I'm from the future!

And I'm Private Tucker enter stage left, hello.

I'll be in my trailer.

Sarge, just a sec!

I now realize that at this very moment, right now,

you are acting in a play to explain time travel to Tucker.

Oh, is that what this is?

And maybe this is the worst moment in my entire life

to attempt to explain this, but here goes.

I am from several years from now in the future.

That's means I'm currently possessing a version of myself from several years ago.

I can perceive multiple times at once and move between them.

Maybe because I'm technically a creation of the time god, Chrovos.

-Lord above. -Who was a big heap of shiny cogs

or a big Al robot ball, not sure.

But is now a big and sexy frightening lady.

-I'm listening. -Right now, you're reliving your lives

stuck in a period of fluid time I'm calling the Evervvhen.

-The Evervvhen? -The Evervvhen.

Sounds like a Pearl Jam album.

Hah, right? Or a Neil Gaiman novel.

What? I read.

This sounds believable to me for some reason.

Yes! Thank you.

Are you high or an idiot?

It just sounds familiar, okay.

Besides, we do weird shit all the time.

A bomb literally just blew us into the future.

Actually, that's not true. But we won't learn about that for at least--

Oh, Grif, you fat, fatheaded, fat mouth, fatty.

This is Donut we're talking about.

Yeah, he's an unreliable narrator.

The vegetarian option on the menu of life.

Yuck, gross!

-He's like quinoa. -You made your point.

I'm no“.!

Guys, please, in this, uh, Evervvhen,

everything is happening at once.

But you can't see that because you're stuck inside of it.

But if you could all realize that you're like, on rails

you could maybe get your future memories back and like, focus yourself

into important times and places with me.

And together we could stop Chrovos' grandson, Genkins, the trickster god

from creating freaky alternate timelines that are breaking a magic glass wall

and Chrovos' black hole space prison that...

You're never gonna believe me, are you?

You are off-script and you're ruining my life.

Uh, if you're from the future, what am I thinking about right now?

-I don't know! -Oh, my God, I don't know either!

Donut, I may not say this often enough,

but shut up forever.

-I know how it sounds. -If you did, then you'd shut up!

-Sarge! -Shut.

-And I cannot stress this enough, up! -Why won't you give me a chance?

I'm gonna answer your question with a question. Shut up?

-Sarge... -Shut...

.|_.. ,UP-

Shut, shut, shut, up, up, up.

Donut, Donut, shut up!

And he came directly home.

No, I got shot by Wash a couple more times.

Either way, sterling work.

Here, see, the cracks are fine and small but very much there.

Teeny, weeny paradoxes, what would I do without you?

My hero.

You're just being fake nice to me to freak me out.

And I wish you'd stop.

-You have me all wrong. -I doubt it.

Indulge me for a moment, Donut.

Do you know how long an eon is?

Simple question, do you know how long an eon is?

Scientifically speaking, Donut, it's a billion years.

Twelve million mortal lives lived end to end. It's a wonder I remember my own name.

I'm not being nice to freak you out.

I'm just glad something's finally happening.

Anything at all.

Your attempts to contain me are useful, but all the same, I'd like you to stop.

It pains me to see my champion so sad.

Why won't they just listen to me?

Darling, when have they ever? And even if they did, they're trapped.

They don't perceive time as we do.

So there's nothing I can do?

No, I'm sorry.

You're gonna get free and destroy everything.

Unmake everything.

But it won't hurt. I promise you that.

Don't feel bad, my boy, you just have no distance left to run.

Time became chaos from the second the paradox was created backwards.

-And after that? -Hmm?

You said time's all weird from the paradox backwards.

What about after the paradox?

What's happening in that time?

-Oh, nothing. -Nothing?

Nothing worth mentioning.

Two realities, clumsily jostling for space where the paradox both did and didn't happen.

-Where are you going? -Nowhere.

-Just stepping out. -Do-- Donut.

For a walk, outside of the Evervvhen.

-Are-- Are you listening? -Yeah, I know, right?

Put that down.

Do you not want me to go to the time after the paradox, Chrovos?

|t-- It's chaos!

Two realities at once.

One where Wash was shot and one where he wasn't?

Exa-- Exactly, precisely.

And right there between them, a guy who both was and wasn't shot?

A person outside of time like us, right?

That's what I thought.

Do-- Donut, hold on, wait, wait. Wait, don't go in the portal. Not the portal.

Ah, damn it!

Hello, Chorus.

Wash!

Agent Washington!

Yoo-hoo!

Uh, David?

I know Wash would've gone to Chorus.

I guess he's just not in this canyon.

Welp, ready to search an entire planet, Donut?

I sure am!

A prince from the sky, son of cosmic powers

in the shadow of a feckless father

with such potential, never understood.

A joke, a tiny joke.

Blarg. Honk.

Nobody understands you as I do, Junior.

-Honk. -What? No.

I was talking about you.

-Grrr-honk! -Ugh.

Here.

Happy birthday.

What do you know? I don't know.

Then what do you want to know?

I, I want to know...

what Felix is afraid of.

Knives.

Knives?

Felix is afraid of knives?

Petrified.

Felix has throwing knives.

Plain old knives, 'til they're in his hands.

Then he panics.

-And then he-- -And then he throws them.

I see.

Well, I better go and help Felix, uh, kill some more innocent people.

I will see you later.

Alligator. Ha, ha! Work your magic.

I love my job.

Acquire random targets.

-So your friend was injured? -Mm, yes and no.

You really need to pick one.

Franklin Delano Donut!

-Hey, Dr. Grey! -What brings you here?

Are you (Wing?

Nah, I'm looking for Agent Washington.

Wash was just here.

Ah. Okay, he's nearby.

-We||, how is he? -Fine.

-And his injury? -His... What?

He had shooting pains, from a shooting.

Mm, uh, "Cerebral Hybloxia"?

Oh! You know, he did come in complaining about neck pain a few months ago.

Yeah, that's it.

-But we could never find any sort of injury. -Oh.

We kept discharging him, and then readmitting him,

because he would just insist that he'd been shot.

But then he'd change his story.

He never really did get treated.

He's been acting really odd since.

Aw, no! Wait!

If he wasn't a patient, then why was he here?

To write me a fat check.

A check?

Wash funded a whole new wing for the hospital.

-He what? -You've got to see it!

If the hospital was a bird, it'd fly in circles.

How?

Because it'd have one long wing.

No. How did he pay for it?

UNSC-grade medical insurance is no joke.

Yours truly got creative with his assessment

and they paid him mega compensation, like, what!

But I thought he wasn't injured.

And his insurance don't need to know that, wink!

I put him down as being de-armed, castrated

and generally bothered in the line of duty.

I wanted to make sure he's taken care of, since he's been kind of wobbly ever since he...

He went without treatment for a brain injury he both did and didn't have.

But at least he's rich.

On my suggestion, he's funding a giant walking cannon for funerals!

For funerals?

Blasts you straight into the ground.

Or space, or the ocean, if you got a foot fetish.

So folks at the beach paddle in your forever.

Doctor, we need you in the theater.

I'm busy!

After-death care is a pet interest of mine,

and by extension, Wash, who suddenly loves my ideas.

Project's burning through cash like a fire at a money store.

Don't you mean the bank?

But it's not like it's my money, so...

Dr. Grey, I think by not treating Wash,

you may have inadvertently given him a worse case of cerebral hybloxia.

Well, what do you get for the man who has everything?

-I should find him, quick. -Fine.

I guess I have patients to heal.

-Wait, wait, wait! Where does Wash live? -Oh, yeah.

He lives kind of... Up?

"Up?

You can't miss it!

Do you have an appointment?

Hi! I am from the, uh, giant walking cannon funeral company?

Ah, Elon, right this way.

Master? A visitor.

Hey, Wash.

-Who said that? -It's me, Donut.

I knew a guy named Donut.

Yeah, it's a pretty common name.

Wait, Donut?

What are you doing here? How'd you find me?

-Dr. Grey, she told-- -Ooh, Emily.

She tell you about the cannon?

-She, uh... -Right into orbit.

Or the ocean!

-The ocean, yeah. -Ah-may-zing!

Wash, are you okay?

Fine.

Wait, where are we? Whose pool is this?

Uh, I think it's yours, maybe.

-You could be leasing. -What? That can't be right, I...

Wash, I don't know how to tell you this.

I mean, I do,

but I think you're flicking between two versions of yourself.

And you just became the one who's brain is oxygen starved.

Funeral Cannon!

-Yeah, funeral cannon. -Emily's a smart cookie.

And you're a donut!

Wait. Wh-- What was I saying?

Wash, something is very wrong with you.

I, I know. Wait.

-Do I know? -Okay, Wash.

-You were shot in the neck. -Yes?

No.

You walked into enemy fire and were shot in the neck.

Correct.

But also, you have never been shot in the neck.

No, never.

So you remember being shot and not being shot.

-Uh, yeah, uh, yeah, but-- -How can you have both those memories?

Think about it.

Wash! Were you shot or not?

Whoa! Wait! What?

-Donut, what the hell? How did I... -Oh, my gosh, I think I just fixed it!

Fixed what?

You were experiencing two separate realities,

but, like, at the same time!

I think by making you aware that you know something impossible,

I just combined, or, or wait, removed, uh--

-Collapsed a probability wave. -Aah!

Like Schrodinger's cat.

Or a sealed envelope of exam results.

Who the fuck is that?

-I don't know, that's your butler. -Donut, what the hell is going on?

And if Carolina sent you here to bring me back,

she can forget it. She and I are never speaking again.

It's bigger than that. Come on.

Uh, Master Washington?

May I humbly request my next paycheck early?

I was wondering if, uh...

Oh. Well, that's just freakin perfect.

Okay, so with everything I've told you in mind

is this still making sense?

-Whoa, that's, uh... -Bananas?

Bah nay-nay? Nanners-ba-nanners?

I was gonna say impossible to believe,

but I was a rich funeral cannon tycoon a few hours ago, so what do I know?

At least I seem to be back up to fighting speed.

I feel like we're gonna need all hands on deck for this one.

So how exactly do we recruit the other Reds and Blues?

Take the time gun back to Blood Gulch and kidnap them?

No. See, we're still in the time after you were and weren't shot.

Everything before that is sort of a...

category five hurricane of our memories.

You can thank Chrovos for that.

-We||, her and me. -Chrovos?

He, um, she's the one pulling the strings behind Genkins?

We just need to get to her and take her down?

Uh, the first part of that is easy.

It's the second part that's leaving me a little stumped.

Donut, as a Freelancer, I've developed something of a sixth sense for danger.

In short-- Who is that?

That's Chrovos.

Donut, dear, aren't you going to introduce your friend?

Wait, this is the place?

This is inside a black hole?

-I realize it's a lot to take in. -And she's some kind of Al?

My children may be Al.

But I am Time itself, young man.

She loves saying stuff like that.

Would you prefer, Donut, that I'm a birthless fractal algorithm inside a time stream?

Is that easier to grasp?

No, obviously.

Donut, this is a little beyond pirates and mercs.

And yet, you're very much involved.

Your good health was the first crack in my prison, Wash.

The rest of these were a group effort.

-Donut helped. -Donut what?

-He betrayed the Reds and Blues, it was great. -I tried to fix it!

She told me I could travel back through my past

without a time portal gun. But it was a trick.

I tried to snap the guys out of it, but I only made it worse.

But you could travel without a time portal gun, right?

Yeah, because she wanted me to make more paradoxes.

No. I don't know gods, lady, but I know strategy.

Donut, I remembered something I couldn't possibly know, right?

That's how you saved me, that works.

That's what you tried to do to the Reds and Blues.

Yeah, but they wouldn't listen. You know them.

But it worked on me. I'm a Shisno, they're all Shisno.

You were on the right track.

So if it works, and if that's our weapon, why tell you where to use it?

Why tell you you can navigate the Evervvhen?

-I don't know. -Okay.

Hypothetically, if I had to shoot you on your body again,

where would you say to do it?

I actually hate my ears. Shoot me in the ears, one shot.

Not your heart, or brain.

-No, thank you. -Exactly.

Somewhere nonvital.

Right, Chrovos?

It's not that you wanted Donut to enter the Evervvhen,

it's that you didn't want him to go somewhere else.

Where didn't you want Donut to go?

Or is it a when?

Now that you say that, she was kind of upset I was coming to save you.

Huh, I bet she was.

Could it be, that, if we prevent that paradox

you love so much, Chrovos, if we use Donut's time gun

and intercept the Reds and Blues after I'm shot,

but before they set off to save me,

it'll put this derailed timeline back on track.

-Fix everything. -Listen to me, you little shit.

It's true, isn't it? Say it.

Very clever, Washington, you've worked it out.

But do you really think you can save the day in time?

We've got all the time we need, right here.

Donut, I think from now on, all our problems are behind us.

Ah-ah. A pistol?

Aren't you supposed to be a cosmic power?

I believe "God of Deceit" is the title you're looking for.

I think you're looking for it harder than me, pal.

Genkins, you can't hurt us, we're Shisno.

- Oh? "No!

God of Tricks, hmm?

That was bloody close.

Oh, like they'd stop talking long enough to win.

How's your prison?

My, my, what a lot of cracks.

Yes, yes, Genkins, well done. Now, off you go.

-Fine. -Freeze!

Toodles!

Well, I hope you enjoyed the upper hand, boys.

You cracked my case.

Cracked it more, I should say.

No!

But, alas, your hubris has--

You know, you use a lot of fancy words for a jailbird.

-We need to go. -What?

-That's the past, right? -We||, yeah, but--

-Wait, wait! Hey! -Come on!

Leaders, I swear to gosh!

We should talk about this!

I regret this so much!

Wash, it's okay, focus on a memory.

Donut, argh. What's happening?

This is every memory you've ever had all at once!

Focus on one where we're both there, okay?

And, uh, tell me which one you think of because I don't know how to follow you...

Oh, no, I am so sorry.

Remember, further back, further!

-Don't shoot, don't shoot! -|-- I'm not going to!

You shot Lopez! What the hell, man?

Oh, no, uh, it's okay, Simmons.

Wash, uh, had to shoot Lopez.

Right, Wash? Lopez was, uh...

-Uh... -Uh...

A robot!

Of course he's a fucking robot, Why'd you shoot him?

Yeah, an evil robot!

I know, he's the worst, but that still doesn't--

You know what? Just shut up, Simmons.

Okay, Wash. But welcome to the Evervvhen.

I guess when we travel together, we end up in the same place.

-Neat. -So Lopez?

Man, my joints feel amazing! Is this what health was?

-I know, right? -Donut.

Wash, we need to track Genkins.

Can you think of somewhere important in our path

that Genkins might go to cause the most damage?

-I think so. -Lopez, no, anybody--

Think of that place in time hard enough, and we'll both go there.

Got it.

We gotta be careful not to make too many paradoxes.

Aside from convincing the guys to believe us,

every event in our lives has to happen just as it did before.

Donut! No!

I admire your commitment to time travel.

Thanks.

Felix will have to activate the purge personally,

which means Locus will be with him.

And since they know our target's the Comm Temple,

it's safe to assume...

Wash?

-Hey. -Hello!

Seemed like you were about to say some more things

after "It's safe to assume."

No, I get it, it's safe to assume, because we can handle anything.

I never assume anything, keeps me sharp.

You're as sharp as a boiled egg.

And twice as deadly!

So, hey, Donut, uh, do you have something to say to everyone?

Yes, I'd like to debrief you all.

Wait, not like remove your briefs. I mean, I need to tell you a||--

-Really? -Nah, Wash, you go ahead.

In my experience, nobody listens to me--

-Yeah, Wash, go ahead! -Okay.

Everyone, I'm gonna need you to trust me.

More than you've ever trusted me, by a lot.

Here goes.

You're currently trapped in your past.

I know that right now we're planning our counterattack

and in just a moment we're going to be joined by Kimball.

-Hey, Kimball. -Uh...

-Hi. -Whoa.

Donut tells me you've all got some pretty major deja vu, right?

That's because this has happened before.

I've seen us end this fight today, guys.

We win it. And the next one, and the one after that.

You win. Like, always.

And at the risk of sounding gushy, I'm proud to be counted among you.

But I'm about to tell you there's something on the horizon

swelling up like a tidal wave

and it's gonna sweep us away unless we work together.

Forget this war, forget Chorus, forget what you are seeing around you.

You're dreaming. And I'm gonna wake you up.

Now, do you trust me?

You had me at "Do you trust me?"

I feel confused, but also motivated?

As soon as I know what I'm in, I'm in.

Alright, sure thing, Wash.

Sure thing, Wash.

Guys, it sounds like Wash needs our help.

Thanks, Epsilon, I--

No, I mean, you really need our help, Washington,

and I know a fractured personality when I see one.

-Catch my drift? -Ah!

-Yeah, Wash, you're scaring me. -What?

I get the feeling you've been burning the civil war at both ends.

'Are you “Yes! Okay?

All we're saying is this could be a leaky implant

or a legit flashback. We're veterans, you know?

Yeah, I do, and of course, you wouldn't believe me, Carolina.

-Whoa! -Dude.

-I mean... No, so I-- -Come on, man!

What? Wash, what do you mean by that?

-Look, no, it's just-- -I think you better go, Wash.

-Just cool off for a minute. -Yeah, fine, gladly.

Less paradoxes! Less!

Should I... I'm gonna come back.

Uh, okay, Wash, I, um, I have some notes.

Donut, when I want crudely made innuendos, I'll ask you for them.

But, Wash, I haven't said any of those.

Not since my buddies all laid into me one by one...

Oh, I've never stopped!

When you get injured and your best friend lies about it,

makes you into a secret invalid, I'll hear you out, I promise.

But until you're misled about your own brain damage I thinkjust--

But you weren't!

-What? -You weren't brain damaged.

You know that, right? She saved you.

She went back and saved you!

Well, yeah, still, it's not like it changes anything.

Wash, it literally changed everything.

Friends talk to each other, they trust each other.

I thought we were closer than that.

Think that all you like, but in your own time

quick fix, problem solved.

-Look, you don't know-- -I do know, Wash.

Carolina was well aware that saving you could break time and she did it anyway.

She talked us into it. I was there!

It was the closest to tears I've ever heard her.

It was?

Well, second closest, afterjust now.

Fuck.

Look, I've got a lot to unpack, okay?

Buddy, you need to focus.

-Can you do that for me? -What?

This situation calls for a clear head, Wash.

Do you have that capacity, is what I'm asking you!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, good, because I can't do this on my own.

-Sorry. -Now.

Let's take a breath, count to three

and unpossess these bodies before we cause too many paradoxes

and annihilate all of history.

-Ready to jump? -Yeah, okay.

Hey, uh, thanks, man.

You know, you're a little scary when you're mad.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Ruined it.

Donut?

How does it hurt more every time?

Oh, God, did I bring us here?

No, it was me, I'm an idiot.

-Okay. Phew! -Lopez?

Sorry about that.

What's a donut without a hole in it?

-Did Epsilon seem-- -What the hell?

Simmons!

Did Epsilon seem Genkins-y to you?

He did!

I get the feeling it won't be as simple as convincing them.

Now that you say that, I didn't convince you of anything.

-What do you mean? -Remember?

I made you aware of knowing something you couldn't know.

Right, so you're saying--

Wash, we need to make the guys aware of something they can't possibly know.

And I think, Wash, I know just what it is.

Uh, you were hoping you'd think of something before you were done talking, didn't you?

-Yeah.Fudge! -Fudge!

Okay, Wash?

Back when we met I wondered if I'd die at your hands

and I feel like we've come a long way since then.

But you literally just shot Lopez.

Sorry we keep doing this to you, Simmons.

-To me? He shot Lopez! -When did we meet, Simmons?

-Huh? -When did you first meet me?

Uh, a year ago, maybe?

Would be pretty weird if we'd met before that, wouldn't it?

Give you some pretty weird deja vu.

That's right!

Wash, I could kiss you!

Lopez is dead.

All the Reds and Blues have got deja vu!

That means they know something's wrong, like you did.

And if I show myself to the Reds and Blues before we ever met, why, Donut

I think they just might recognize me.

With any luck, it'll give them the same shock I had on Chorus.

Yes! Then we'll just be one step away from having our team back!

-What do you mean? -I mean, well...

We have to get Carolina too. Obviously.

Wash, you said it yourself.

We're gonna need all hands on deck for this one.

I hate that you're right.

Well, get over it, buddy.

We're going to Blood Gulch, circa, forever ago.

Wa-- Wait, wait, wait!

All right, let's un-fudge some timelines

Agent Washington?

He hasn't been to Blood Gulch yet, of course!

I brought him back to a time where we're nowhere near each other.

Aw, jeez, Donut. Where did you send him?

Huh.

Now I've got deja vu. But where--

Recovery One, this is Command, requesting a sit-rep.

Recovery One, do you copy?

Agent Washington, please respond.

Recovery One? Wash, are you there?

Uh, uh, yeah, I'm here. I'm here.

Good, I thought maybe we'd lost you too.

Huh?

Ahem. Never mind. Recovery One, what is your status, please?

Ash, is that really you?

What did you just call me?

Sorry, Four Seven Niner, I mean, Command.

What is your status, Recovery One?

Urn, engaging hostiles, going radio silent.

Negative, you're not allowed...

Okay, deep breaths, you know where you are.

You know where you are.

Up there is the body of your old pal, York.

Surrounded by a bunch of other bodies

and one son of a bitch pretending to be a body so that he can turn you into a body.

And that's fine, this is fine.

No, damn it, this is not fine.

Gotta get to Blood Gulch.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Ah, my dear Washington, and here I thought you'd come for the Delta Al.

Hello, Wyoming.

I don't suppose you'd happen to have a second Warthog lying around?

Hmm, but now that I know you intend to arrive in Blood Gulch, I'm afraid I can't let you leave.

You see, I also have business to attend to in that particu|--

Oh, shit.

Ahem. Are you listening to--

I just realized the moment we rescue the Reds and Blues,

Genkins will know what we're up to.

He'll know we're a threat and stick to Carolina like fly paper.

Who in the bollocks is Genkins?

Do you have any idea where Carolina is?

I... What'? She's dead, what does that have to do with--

She isn't dead, she's in hiding.

Maine threw her off a cliff and she laid low for years

until she found me, I just don't know where.

This is just not at all going the way I thought it would.

Tell me about it.

Oh, boy, I am still not used to this.

-Hey, Wash. -Washington.

He-- Hey, fellas.

-Oh, wait. York! -What's up, buddy?

You and Carolina were always close, if she were to--

Whoa! Agent Carolina is our leader.

She would not appreciate you making such wild accusations.

Jesus, what is this, high school?

York, what are you doing palling around with the lowest on the leader board?

Oh, right, it kind of was.

Hey, Wash, not to keep beating a dead horse, but, uh, try to remember to pull the pin

before you throw your grenades, okay?

Uh, yeah, I got that.

It's just I, I don't wanna be in another situation like last time.

Last time? Oh, wait, this does sound familiar.

Hey, here's an idea, maybe pre-pull all the pins on your grenades so you don't forget.

Just be sure to do it far away from the rest of us.

Come on, South, leave him alone.

Right, well, see you at the briefing.

Man, I forgot what it's like to be at the bottom of the food chain. Ah!

Briefing's the other way, Washington.

-Carolina! Carolina. -You're in my way.

Yeah, hey, do you have a second to talk?

This will probably sound crazy, but it's really important.

-No. -Seriously?

Seriously.

Oh, she is so much meaner than I remember.

Carolina, hypothetical question.

Get out of my face.

If she had to go into hiding, what do you think her strategy would be?

Like, where do you think she would go?

Is now really the best time for this?

Why won't anyone listen to me?

Oh, that's easy, it's because you're a loser.

Is this how Donut feels all the time?

So, yeah, that's where I'm at.

Stranded in time until I can figure out where Carolina was hiding all those years.

I know I probably sound crazy and I don't expect you guys to help,

but I just needed someone to listen.

But, if you can jump anywhere in time...

why don't you just go to the future when you and Carolina are friends

and-- and ask her yourself?

Carolina, can I ask you something about your past?

Yeah, of course, what's up?

Goddamn it!

-Whoa, are you okay? -I'm great!

Are you sure, because it kind of sounded like you just scream--

I didn't. Hey, so, about that question I was gonna ask you.

Oh, right, shoot.

All those years you were in hiding

after Project Freelancer, where did you go exactly?

Why do you wanna--

Please, just answer the question.

Well, I re-enlisted in the UNSC.

Ah-ha! Yes!

You, you re-enlisted in the UNSC? Why?

It didn't take a genius to see the UNSC was losing the war.

They were taking anybody who would sign up in those days.

They weren't gonna look twice at forged documents.

I figured it would give me constant access to military intel and equipment,

allow me to keep my skills sharp and would be the last place

Freelancer would think to look.

I just needed to land myself in an average,

unremarkable squad station in one of who knows how many locations across the galaxy.

I'll be damned, the apple really didn't fall far.

It was hard, back then.

I felt I couldn't trust anyone but myself.

Like I had no one in my corner.

Well, you didn't exactly make it easy.

Yeah, I guess not.

Hey, guys, dinosaurs are back.

Damn it, not again.

I should go take care of that.

It's fine. I've got what I need.

Recovery One, this is Command.

-Requesting a sit-rep. -Uh, roger that, Command.

Situation's changed, I'm gonna need a Pelican.

Shit, sorry, space-time continuum,

but I'm gonna need you to take a few more hits.

Sir, has she done something wrong?

I'm afraid that's classified, lieutenant.

If you could just lead the way.

She's got a bit of temper, but I think

that's just because she knows she could run circles

around the rest of us if she wanted to, myself included.

-Mm-hmm. -Sorry.

I get a little chatty when I'm nervous.

-I skimmed your file. -Didn't like what you saw?

All I really saw was the word "redacted" a million times.

Well, there's no need to be nervous, lieutenant.

It's just, nothing ever really happens around here.

McCallister!

Got someone here who wants to talk to you.

-Can I help with anything else, sir? -No, pretty sure I'm in the right place.

I'll take it from here, lieutenant.

I could have shot you the moment you stepped out of the terminal.

Why didn't you?

Because if you don't give me the information I want,

I can still kill you quietly before I slip away.

-I'm sure you could. -So they didn't send you alone.

-Nobody sent me. -Bullshit!

I know they've got you running Recovery.

And they still think they've got me in their corner, but that changes today.

I've been waiting for the right time.

-I've been waiting to find you. -How exactly did you find me?

I had a little help.

-Greetings, Agent Carolina. -Delta?

It was just a matter of asking Delta to search enlistment records for...

Where is York?

Wyoming shot him.

His armor's distress signal was how I found Delta, but I was too late for York.

-I'm sorry. -I don't believe you.

Agent Washington is telling the truth.

I could provide you with the supporting data if you would like.

I'm going to--

I've already taken care of Wyoming.

I don't mean to rush, but it won't take long

before Command realizes they don't have me on their leash anymore.

What happened to you?

You're different than how I remember.

Same thing that happened to you.

I learned the truth, about the project, about the Alpha...

and now I want the director dead.

Will you help me?

I'll make the call to Command when we get to the airfield.

I think I can string them along for a few more hours before the jig is up.

How is Delta okay with all of this?

I told him he could meet the Alpha if he helped.

-You lied to him? -No, I didn't.

There's something else going on here.

It's okay if you don't trust me entirely.

No, that's the thing.

-I do. -You do?

We weren't very close when we were in the project together...

but for some reason I feel...

like I can count on you.

|Z_Z

-Thanks, Carolina. -Where are we heading first?

We'll rendezvous with the team of soldiers I've assembled.

-Ex-freelancer? -Sort of.

Depending on where they're stationed, we can pick up my armor on the way.

I've still got my adaptive camo and--

-That won't be necessary. -What?

Trust me, the moment you see these guys...

you'll understand everything.

I hope.

Let's see now. Um, no.

No. No, no, no.

Too fast.

Too furious.

Donut gets trapped under a heavy object.

Mm? Sure, why not?

Actually, just one more time.

Never gets old.

Sheila, stay here.

If anybody moves, shoot them.

Oh, why the heck is Wash taking so long?

Well, there's my cue to get trapped under Sister's Pelican.

Lucky me!

Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship!

Exhale on impact. Exhale on impact.

Hate my life, hate my life, oh, God, oh, God

I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life.

-Think fast! -Grenade?

Uh, my grenade slipped!

Also, my grenade pin.

And so by saving Donut...

I doom him.

Holy baloney!

So unsatisfying.

Uh, wait, sarge is waiting for reinforcements.

Tuckerjust gave birth to Junior

and Donut was meant to be crushed under a Pelican, so I'm in the right place

but I didn't make an alternate reality.

Where is my alternate reality?

What the... There was never a grenade.

-But that means... You! -You!

I got you now, you fu--

Here comes victory! Two Pelicans!

Heck of a reinforcement.

Announce our cavalry's arrival, Simmons.

The collective noun for a group of pelicans is a scoop.

Thank you, Simmons.

Well, Blues, you had your fun.

And it's over!

If it's all the same to you,

I'd like to postpone your crushing defeat for a moment longer,

as I have prepared a short speech.

Simmons, like we practiced!

Ahem.

You are blue, and we are red.

Colors clash and clash we have.

But colors mix too.

I look back on our time here in the gulch

and wonder what could have been achieved together.

And is it too late for a combined Red-Blue force built on trust, cooperation

and dare I say, mutual respect?

The answer...

is yes, of course!

We will erase your seeds, creeds, and deeds

from recorded history and file your nameless bodies into the earth.

I concede that on occasion, you were the tactically superior force

and though this is a great sin in the eyes of sarge,

you have my, well, not my respect, obviously, but something similar. Grif, the bugle!

Fine.

Blues, do not cry and pee your pants, I beg you!

You tried your best and failed

and truly in war there's nothing more pathetic than that.

In the battle to be the most upsettingly pathetic and lame, you have lain waste

to my forces and I. Congratulations.

Now, if I may direct your attention to get the heck out of here,

we will begin our move into Blue Base.

Which has always been better kept and has softer upholstery.

-Yeah, yeah. -Excellent.

Um, could this wait until Tucker's recovered from giving birth to an alien?

No!

Hey, what is that?

I think that's defeat, sir.

Snatched from the jaws of victory.

No!

Oh, you're gonna get it, Blues!

Great, great save!

Wait, why did...

No!

-Washington! -Hey, buddy, who's your friend?

-I like their armor. -That's Carolina.

Oh, Carolina. Hey, old...buddy.

Wait, where do I know you from?

Oh, don't tell me. Are you famous?

I remember someone filming a movie about you.

Oh, my God, it's Bruce Willis!

-I don't think she's famous. -Oh, hey, guys!

GUYS? Some guys I know?

That's weird. Hi, everyone.

-I'm gonna go. -Hey, I know you too!

Neil Armstrong, that is who you are.

I'm Grif's sister, his wombre.

Like hombre, but womb?

Does-- Does that even make sense?

|-- I tell jokes when I'm panicking.

-Grif's sister? -Yeah.

In some ungodly third primary color?

Made of Grif's DNA?

-Sarge, no! -Sarge, you know her.

-That's my sister! -I do?

Yeah! Wait, yeah, do you?

Oh, I'm asleep.

-None of you are real. -Wash.

Donut, I didn't mean to take so long. I had to find Carolina--

No, Wash, you did it, man!

You got us all together, thanks!

-Hey, it was your idea. -I feel weird.

You should go and wake him up though, sarge seems upset.

It feels like I've been sarged!

-Go blow some minds. -Sure, sure.

Oh, what have I been doing to people?

Okay, guys, listen up.

You all know each other, right?

-Uh, yeah. -Doy!

-No! -You all know this guy, right?

-Yeah, that's Wash. -Yes, hello, Washington.

-How's your neck? -Fine, thank you, Caboose.

No! None of us know each other, they're lying!

What you freaking out for, Church?

Carolina, you know these people?

I'm not saying anything until someone tells me what's happening.

I know you, hi, Carolina.

And where do you know Carolina from?

Well, there was... Wait, that's confusing.

I know her from that one place, but where did I...

I, I can't remember how I--

Oh, it's... It's the future!

That's where I know you from!

Man, that was driving me crazy, that was really good.

You were really good in that.

Whoa. Whoa!

But how can you know someone from the future, Caboose?

Carolina, where do you know these people from?

Places I've never been. Right?

Am I dreaming?

Now who would you say is missing here?

-Lopez and Tucker. -Who are they?

I don't, I don't know. |-| mean...

-How can you know their names? -Oh, sh-- sh-- she doesn't!

This is all a Red trick!

You don't sound like yourself, Church.

-You got a frog in your throat? -Argh!

-And, Carolina, riddle me this. -Donut.

-Sorry, got caught up. -Okay, Donut, here goes.

Hard mode, no sexual innuendo.

Guys, this is the past.

You are trapped reliving your lives.

You can fix this if you realize this isn't really happening.

The last real thing that happened

was your attempt to save Wash from being hurt.

And, my friends, I'm afraid to say

it made everything go...penis. Damn it!

Guys, you gotta ask yourself this question.

How can you all know each other but not know each other?

I'm gonna throw up.

-Holy shit! -Oh, my God, we...

Guys, did we break the universe?

Everything went white!

The fuck am I doing back in Blood Gulch?

Aw, am I dead? Am I in hell?

Guys, yes, you see, we're in the past.

See, |-- I worked it all out a minute ago.

If you'd just take a second to collect your thoughts,

I would be happy to explain everything to you.

My go|'dang gynecomastia's back!

-Tender nips-- -Wash...

You're here. Are you okay?

I'm so sorry.

I feel like the worst fucking person in the whole world.

I should've told you that you were injured, I know that now.

I was just trying to protect you, but that was stupid

because you don't need protecting, and I was just so worried about you

and I didn't want to upset you but it sent you away--

-Stop. -What?

-But-- -I don't care about my injury.

-Forget about that. -|-- I don't understand.

You've... You're life, Carolina...

You've survived things that would've broken me.

Broken anyone.

Do you even know how far you've come?

You are so cool.

I am so proud of you.

I'm always gonna be your friend.

Really? And, and you're okay?

-You're not hurt? -I'm okay.

We're okay.

All right, gloves are off, Shisno.

-Who's that? -Genkins, possessing Church.

-Hey, that guy ruined pizza. -And time and space.

Yeah, that, too! But mostly pizza.

If you think you're upset now, wait till you hear what I did to Huggins.

-What? -Sheila?

-Be a dear and kill everyone. -Excuse me?

-What? -Uh, you're not Church.

-And? -Could you put his body down, please?

Hm, the half-wit.

Out of my way, now, or else, I--

Uh, yeah, sorry, I should explain.

You see, |-- I killed Church and, urn, I kept his helmet.

And when he died, and-- and he died a lot.

--I'd sit with him and feel, um, not better, but, um, it's complicated.

You see when someone dies, my brain likes to hurt me with memories

and I, uh, I don't know why.

Do you have a point?

Well, after Epsilon went away,

holding the helmet helped me think,

because it hurt to look at. Does that make sense?

It hurt me so that, uh, I didn't have to...

Yeah, grief, grief is weird, but these days I like to feel better,

and you're making me sad, so please put his body down.

-Mmm, no. -Put it down.

Or what?

Aah! Give me back Church!

Caboose, what the hell, man? Stop hitting me!

Caboose, get-- Ow! Seriously!

Alpha Detected. Error.

-Shit, paradox, right? -What just happened?

And where's Tucker?

I think today he's giving birth to an alien?

-What?

-Hey, Doc? -Donut, man.

|-- I'm so confused, what is going on?

It's easier if I don't explain.

Doc is dead.

- Om - om

I had to kill him. Hey, Doc, buddy!

-Can you go revive Tucker? -Dibs!

Tucker needs to be debriefed!

-Yeah, wait, what? -Doc, follow my lead!

Ah, okay.

This is gonna be so fucking fun.

I'm as stumped as a headless quadriplegic.

This feels weird, right? Back me up, Simmons.

I neither understand nor like it.

We'll explain everything, or should I say Donut will.

He's good at it.

Before we start, do you guys know what Genkins meant about Huggins?

-It sounded like he ki||-- -No, no, man.

-Sorry, no idea. -Nuts.

The Reds and Blues are going back in time again.

I have to tell Atlas, it's urgent!

-We||, now, that is news. -So can I go?

Not quite. Ha-ha. After all, you must be punished.

Punished, for what?

What?

No! No!

No, no, no, no!

A black hole? This is how my parents died!

Oh, God, I'm gonna die!

You're gonna be okay. Sing a little song.

Light is information

And cannot be destroyed

Light's information

So cannot be destroyed

I am information

And I can't be destroyed

I don't want to die

Oh. Uh...

That's something.

That's a big, uh...

Is this the heart of a black hole?

Hard to believe one of these things killed my parents.

It has a heart? Can the black hole love?

No, dear, that's just the Big Bang.

-Huh? -Pre-bang, obviously.

'Mom? 'Mom?

That's a name I ain't heard in a long time.

"Oh, sharp! —|-|Uh! Dad!

Please, "Dad" was my father's name. Call me Gerald.

-Oh, no.

I'm dead, aren't I?

What? Sweetie, no, we can't die.

Light is information and can't be destroyed.

Yes, knew it!

Black holes are sort of drains that feed the cosmos all the way back to here.

It lets the universe, urn, loop.

-Whoa. -Ha-ha!

Don't blow the kid's mind, Sheryl.

Oh, sweetie, I didn't blow your mind, did I?

-Whoa! -Where's your brother?

-He should be here. -Muggins?

I don't know, one of the cosmic powers trapped me here.

Remember those guys?

Nope. Maybe he's just late.

Late? The whole universe should be in here.

Oh, maybe there's a blockage in the timeline.

-Gerald, would that do it? -Yeah, that'd do it.

Huggins, you should really check on Muggins.

Fine, how?

Just fly at full speed.

-Close to full speed, or you'll overshoot. -What?

At light speed, you don't experience time,

so move at nearly the speed of light and time will accelerate.

You can watch galaxies bloom and fade in real time.

It's really nice.

Now, Huggs, if there's a blockage in the timeline,

you'll get stuck in it like a spider's web.

Do you know where that might be?

Can you think of any paradoxes you might have stirred up?

No, I... Oh, oh!

-Those sons of bitches! -Language!

Okay, Morn, Dad, I gotta go.

I know when that paradox is.

-Something's crazy wrong. -Darn tootin'.

-Muggins ain't here. -When's your brother getting here, Huggins?

-Coo|, bye! -So long, have fun!

Okay, Tucker's passed out. You know what that means?

First, we monitor his condition so that--

No, Dr. Boring, I'll start at the top.

Someone has to tell Tucker that we caused a paradox

and are reliving our old lives.

I would appreciate an explanation of that, actually.

However, Tucker's going to wake up and will look at me,

a person he does not know, yet somehow recognizes,

and be like, "BIeh."

-BIeh. -"Duh, hey.

Why do I recognize you?"

And I'll say "It's because I'm mostly made of you, you sucker.

We took your fucking organs."

-We're not doing that. -Or, okay.

He just gave birth to this alien tumor thing, right?

-BIarg! -Sure.

So we convince him the aliens are invading.

-Uh... -Through his ass!

Why would we do that?

There's been enough going on down there already.

For funsies.

Can we not just give him the care we'd give any new mother?

Oh, I hear what you're saying.

I'm the child he gave birth to, little coma baby Kai.

-No. -"Hi, Dad, it's me.

Your coma baby, and I want cash."

You know, I get the feeling you and Tucker have unresolved issues.

Okay, Doc, like we practiced. Wake him up.

Motion to feed Donut through Sheila's treads for treason.

I'd like to plead not guilty, please.

Please, from a traitor like you

are about as significant as whatever abstract shape I'm gonna grind you into.

-Sarge. -Sarge what?

This slice of pink frosted butt cake has been on display for too long.

The boy's gone stale.

Donut saved all of us, you included.

I do not subscribe to that reality.

Did Donut really do that? Donut, did you save us all?

Well, I don't know about all that.

Boy doesn't even know about it. You heard him.

I'm sorry, but, dude, you betrayed us.

You stole the hammer, what the fuck'?

We were trapped, we're now free.

You and I are no longer in a weird time limbo

and we owe Donut, we owe him big time.

I have five bucks but I want change.

Now, can someone please tell me why I'm in Blood Gulch?

Uh, Wash, Donut, can you field this one?

I am going to start fixing the timeline, boop.

Is... ls Caboose a genius?

If he is, I'd just prefer not to know.

Hmm, well, you heard him.

Let's get everyone up to speed.

Speaking of everyone, where are they?

-How are his vitals? -Fine.

-And his life signs? -That's the same thing.

-Who is that? -Good God, amnesia?

I'll fetch my medical tire iron. Nurse, help him up.

-Nurse? -Thank you, sweet pea.

Lavernius, you've been out for some time.

How many guns am I holding up?

'One?

We're gonna have to put him down.

-I was just having a baby. -In this economy?

-He's delirious. -Don't I know you?

Yeah, you do, I'm afraid.

You see, I was going to wait until you recovered to tell you, but Tucker, I'm you.

-What? -From the future!

-I'm leaving. -Is this a prank? Sarge!

The future is all ladies all the time, you included.

And if you're gonna live to see that promised land,

I gotta rescue you, Tucker.

-You wanna know why? -Fuck off.

You are in purgatory, Lavernius, and you gotta break out of purgatory.

-I am not. -Welcome to limbo, motherfucker.

-BIarg! -What was that?

That's, uh, it's a demon, because we're in limbo, remember?

-Honk? -You died in childbirth.

-What, oh, God! -No god here, Tucker.

-Jesus! -No Jesus here.

Just you, this here prospectivagina

and eternity with the demons, baby boy.

-Ah! -You can escape.

I can show you how, but you have to trust me.

-BIarg! -Oh, oh, God, oh, God!

Blood Gulch, historic home to the Shisno.

Geez, Grif lived here?

Hm, looks like he had neighbors.

That must've been nice.

Oh, nobody's here yet.

There! Hey, you, Why'd you make a paradox, you butt?

-Hello. -Wait, huh, wrong person!

Ugh, Huggins, you idiot, it's the past.

They haven't done it yet.

Oh, no, what am I gonna do?

Uh, hello, um, pardon me?

Uh, we did it to save our friend Wash.

I kind of thought you knew that.

-You, uh-- -Because you...

-You went away all mad. -I did?

Yeah, when we were at the God place together in the future.

How can you know that? Ugh!

Okay, ha-ha, Caboose, right?

Yes, thank you for remembering.

Today, I found out my parents aren't dead.

Black holes make the universe loop.

Time is made of circles. I am familiar with the concept.

And now you seem to know the future.

Yeah, really good at card tricks now.

Okay, this is whelmed.

This is overwhelmed.

And this is where my ass is at.

Can we talk?

Yeah, okay, but I have to kill my best friend in an hour, so you know...

Doc, I'm a phantom, and I have unfinished business on Earth.

-Oh, dear God. -I have to come clean.

Tucker, sister's just trying to--

-I seduced your mother. -Say what now?

You said, I don't know, something I didn't like

and so I looked up "mom" in your phone and, well, you know

and then I told everyone she had tits like icing bags

and that she's so fat that when she walks on the beach, she leaves glass footprints.

Ha, ha, ha!

Hey, you should go tell everyone else your unfinished business too.

Thanks, man, I'll miss you.

Donut, I'm dead.

I'm sorry I always mocked your alternative lifestyle and I--

You helped prevent Wash's injury, causing a paradox,

and now you're trapped in your past.

That's Carolina, that's Wash.

You should ask yourself how you know them even though you haven't met them yet.

-No! -Me and Doc betrayed everyone.

And no amount of atonement seems to fix it!

-Oh, fuck you, Kaikaina. -Oh-ha-ha!

Holy moly, I survived falling off a skyscraper.

Wait, Doc, you're not dead?

Yeah, I mean, I guess not.

I fought you through time and space.

Yeah, man, you did so great.

That was such a fun fight.

It was like, ugh, punching, wow.

You're damn right. Goddamn right it was.

All right, you fuckers.

-Listen up! -What?

I have had it with this traitor crap.

You all think you're better than me because I have pink armor.

-Whoa! -Yeah, I said it.

I'm owning it, pink!

You put me down, sideline me, leave me to rot.

-Shoot me over and over-- -Sorry.

And when I died horribly at the hands of some Time God,

and come back with the explicit task of saving your lives,

and when I'm the only person, the only person

with any interest in preserving the universe,

while your dumb asses wander off and break time itself.

-Sorry. -Shut up!

All you can think to do after I fight O'Malley

across time, space, World War ll, the moon

and a labyrinth prison inside of a black hole is execute me?

Vote to execute you.

You wanna know what my crime was, huh?

You wanna know what I did, how I slipped up when I trusted Chrovos?

I believed someone could like me.

Whoa!

So when I teach you all how to time travel and thwart Genkins, I'm out!

Next time you're stuck in your boring ass lives

with your ugly decor and drab fashion sense, cry to some other Shisno.

Pink!

You are all going after him and apologizing.

-If you say so. -Ugh, okay.

-Whatever. -You're such a dick!

Did I hear right that I can time travel?

First, apology-

Ugh!

Donut, we're sorry.

Please do accept my apology, or I'll punch your face in half.

-Five in the pink. -Sarge!

I have trouble expressing remorse.

Why is he just standing there?

I guess he ran out of distance to run away.

I can still hear you!

Did you hear the sorrys?

Shh. Shut up, here he comes.

You can't fix the things you've done with the things you say.

I'm upset because I have to see you all differently now.

You're dicks! Big old dicks!

-I mean... -Grrrr...

How about we show we're sorry by fixing the timeline?

That'd work for me.

Then why don't you bring us up to speed?

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Let me paint you a picture.

The year is 2019.

-That year sucks. -That's the time.

Oh, my heads up display needs updating.

-Hang on one second. -Is this really a good idea?

-Shh, shh. -Okay, boys and girls...

With the exception of Caboose, who is already off time-traveling,

who has questions?

Oof, that's a lot of hands.

Yes, you, O'Malley, the traitor.

-Abandoned by his God. -Doc is fine.

If Caboose is time-traveling, why is he still here?

His consciousness is inhabiting a Caboose from a different timeline

while he relives events to fix the past.

-Oh, right... What? -Am I not really here?

Where is that voice coming from?

How does reliving old events fix the timeline?

Uh, okay. Put a pin in that.

I'm just gonna show by doing.

We're gonna hop back in time 10 minutes or so.

-Ready? -Wait, stop.

What? Not dramatic enough?

You'll lose Carolina and I if you do that,

we can only jump between points on our original timelines,

not the alternate ones.

Like the one we're in now.

If you jump back, Carolina and I won't be here.

-Uh, there. -Uh...what?

|-- I think, I think that's okay.

How do you think that's okay? I couldn't even understand it.

Wash, you take Carolina and fill her in somewhere

on your own timelines. I'll take care of the others.

We're all gonna have to split up anyway, if we're gonna fix time.

Genkins had a pretty big head start.

-Good point. -You're seriously leaving us with Donut?

Hey! What was all that about showing me you're sorry?

-Called the fuck out! -Sorry.

Let's all check back in from time to time in order to gauge our progress.

I think almost all of us were on Iris, so let's try there.

-Day the dinosaurs attacked? -Mmm...day after.

Sister, I can fill you in one on one, the day we met at Blood Gulch.

Ah, a simpler time.

A time when I might have made a joke about that suggestive proposal. I'm in!

Perfect, oh, and before you go,

would you mind looping in Lopez on all of this?

He's lying around somewhere as a body-less head.

This was a very difficult period in his life.

No problemo.

Is anyone else not following this at all?

Hush! We're going back 10 minutes.

Everybody, mentally prepare yourselves for time travel.

-How does one do that? Ahhh! -What's happening?

We time-traveled back to the way

this moment originally played out. Isn't that exciting? Ow...

Donut! That doesn't look comfortable.

-Wait, we lost Tucker. -Oh-oh-oh! My dickhole!

Oh, yeah he's just in Blue Base recovering from childbirth.

What are you all talking about?

Oh, gosh, this is not going well.

Hello, everyone, it's I, Caboose.

Who said that? Ow.

Uh, Church, buddy, this is gonna make a lot more sense if you just go back to bed.

Ohhh. Yeah, tha... Okay, that makes sense.

Night, Church. I'm gonna go get Lopez.

Thank you for bringing everyone back to the singularity, Donut.

You mean Evervvhen?

Huggins called it a singularity, I don't know.

Be right back.

-We||, that's more cool by a lot. -Wait! Did he say Huggins?

-Mmm. Yello! -Huggins, buddy!

-Oh, hey, Grif, you asshole. -I missed you!

-You broke the timeline. -Bring it in.

-I'll kill you. -We're back!

-Just like I promised. Oh, um, right.

Let's get you started.

I'm just gonna direct you from under here.

Is that okay, guys?

L-O-L.

Okay, to time travel,

we focus on a particular moment. When everyone's ready--

Jeez, but it's hard to take him seriously under a Pelican.

I agree, but shush.

...to stop Genkins from altering the timeline.

Unfortunately, without knowing where he's targeting,

this means we need to relive our lives event by event, just as they already happened.

Nuh-uh, you dummies!

You don't need to entirely relive your lives.

Ohh, dumb-ass. Bye, Lopez.

I'm made of light, I can scout ahead in time.

Watch for alternate timelines, then report to Caboose in the future,

so he can time travel back here to now, and tell you

when it is you need to go to stop Genkins. Hm?

That sounds incredibly convoluted, like it would take forever.

It already happened. Hi! Also took out the garbage.

Does anyone else have a nosebleed?

Yeah, we already done it.

Higher beings represent, baby!

Still not sure I subscribe to this "higher beings" malarkey.

Oh, I'm fading, I'm fading, please believe in me.

Oh, false alarm. I just went to the fucking moon!

You just saved us so much bullshit.

Thank you. I'm sorry we fucked up time.

I can't stay mad at you forever.

Aww, thanks, bud.

No, I literally can't stay mad at you forever.

Time has broken from Wash's injury onwards.

-Oh. -You had one job!

-Uh, you mean save reality? -Fix it!

No pressure, love you!

And again, why do we have to relive events?

How does that fix anything?

Simmons, to answer your question, you ever get like, a gap in your zipper?

Sixth grade. Debate class. Devastating.

And then you have to sort of, like,

pull the zip back down past the gap and then, rezip it back up again!

-Yeah. -Yeah, that's what we're doing.

-We're re-zipping time. -Ohh!

-I get it. -Wow, that's so much clearer.

Are we sure we're back in our right timeline?

Because Donut and Caboose are the ones calling the shots.

Tucker, I thank you so much for acknowledging my assertiveness.

I have been working on that.

And this is why I've got a sword and the gods gave you a golf club.

-Ah, man, I miss Golf Club. -How do we know this'|| work?

You wanna know if this will work?

Well, it all depends on you guys, so listen up and brace yourselves.

Because this will not be fun.

Here, I got it, this is every bit of information about the Blues and their soldiers.

-Can you erase it? -I can.

But, sarge, maybe we should think about this for a moment.

What happens if we delete the Blues?

It means they never existed.

But did you ever stop to think,

what does it mean to be Red, if there is no Blue?

My God!

This is the best day of my life

Sides of the same...coin.

-You broke it! -Sorry, lads.

Your computer privileges have been revoked.

So now if you'd kindly...

Fine tech support, soldier.

Tex, don't do this!

We-- We gotta stop her! Right now!

Okay, where's the Genkins? Who got the Genkins?

No problemo, Blue. Andy, you there?

-I'm here, coach! -What's going on?

Tex is hooking up Wyoming's helmet to the computer.

-Ready for your job, soldier? -Andy, of course.

You bet! -All right then, son.

Do what you were born to do. Detonate.

Uh, on second thought, can we reschedule my death?

Why rush to a climax, you know?

-Preach. -AWOL little a-hole. That was a direct order!

Nah, they got an X-Box up here, I think we're gonna chill.

My testicles send their regards, Tex.

You metal bitch.

Yeah, Tex here, what he said.

Also, Church, you know, you're the ghost of a weird dude

who created the robot equivalent of a body pillow.

-Whose emo lameness... -No!

Yeah! Give me a percussive vasectomy.

-Huh? -You girlfriend-killing fuc--

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Mother of God!

Better do it again, just to be sure.

Oh, satisfied sigh. Well, that's that.

Time for...

Time for...the rest of my life, I guess?

"Not fun." What's not fun about time travel?

Why did it have to be this?

Surrender now, and I promise only to kill the mercenary.

Oh yeah? And you and what army?

The Federal Army of Chorus.

All right, what's different? Locus is with the Feds.

Felix is acting all good-guy, and Freckles is fighting...

Como se dice. Engaging-0 tar-get-as?

Great shot, Dos.0!

-What? That's not right. -Get to cover!

I thought that thing was malfunctioning.

It's supposed to be!

Let's give our bots some backup.

-Target those drones! -We're gonna win?

That's the spirit. Keep pushing!

Come on, think, Tucker.

How did we stop Dos.O last time?

Donut, toss me more future cubes!

That's right! It was... Donut?

Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

Who else wants a taste of the Big D?

Sorry, everybody.

-Hey, where are you going? -Genkins!

Que?

No! How do you people keep finding me?

Tucker! What the fuck is your robot doing?

Gods can't hurt a Shisno, Genkins.

And your accent is shit.

-What are you doing? -They're pushing back!

Our left flank is completely open!

Son of a bitch.

Come on, everyone pull it together.

We can still do this.

No, you can't.

Everyone, down!

Freckles, no!

-Wash! -You bastards! Stay away from my men!

If anyone's gonna kill them, it's gonna be...

Sarge?

Damn it, they got Donut. Everyone, fall back!

Where is Tucker?

Oh, Lopez, I kind of forgot you were here.

I don't know what you said, Lopez, but I'm sorry for this.

There was nothing you could have done differently.

Yeah, I know.

Wash just had to be on the other side of that cave-in.

That's just how that moment plays out.

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

Still, ugh! It hurts to lose.

-That's war, Tucker. Not every-- -Not everyone makes it back.

Kill him. -Who said that?

Uh, not really a quote, just something I tend to say.

-Guess you do too. -Oh, uh--

Kill him, before he betrays you all!

-Where are you? -I told you.

We're at headquarters. Are you okay?

Your armor's AI module.

But that's not important. Picture it--

-Get out! -Okay.

I can see you need a minute.

Your sword sliding between his ribs,

finding his black heart.

Why not indulge your desires before time crumbles around you?

It won't, because Donut has a plan and I'm sticking to it.

-Wait, what? -Donut.

A plan by Donut will surely lead us to victory.

This was one of the worst moments of my life.

But it reminded me of something.

I became a leader on Chorus.

And since we left it, I've been trying to act how I thought a leader should.

Cool, macho, totally self-confident.

But somehow I forgot

that I wasn't any of those things while I was actually leading.

I was scared all the time.

Constantly second-guessing myself.

But when shit got bad, I was the one to step up and make a decision.

That's all it is!

And right now, Donut's doing a better job of that than anyone.

So yeah, I've got faith. What've you got?

Ugh! This isn't over.

Okay yeah, he has so much concussion.

Hey, man, you in there? I mean, like...

Yep. Welcome to the rendezvous.

-How'd it go on Chorus? -We lost.

Just like we were supposed to.

Donut, urn, what does it mean

when everything goes kind of... out of focus?

-It means you made a paradox. -Oh!

Neat. No reason for asking whatsoever.

Just, what if, uh, you know, theoretical hypothetical...

I gotta go do something not related to this, bye.

We should build a water slide!

Oh, dear. Maybe I haven't done a good enough job explaining.

-Hey, you're doing great, man. -|... Really?

Yeah, I think I could re-learn a thing or two from you.

Wow! Ha-ha, I don't know about all that.

Just take the compliment, you angsty bitch.

0K8)'-

I know that's you, Genkins.

Oh, boy, Mews scary.

Ahem. Look, you can possess the Meta, or Church,

or even our armor, but you can only do one at a time.

And we're a team now. We outnumber you.

You gotta stop.

I'll take that as a no.

But you should ask yourself, is Chrovos gonna give you what you wanted?

Look how O'Malley ended up.

She doesn't share power. She takes it.

What if all your work is for nothing?

Oh, thank God, for a second there, I thought I was talking to the...

The, uh...

Actua|...Meta.

I had no idea our lives were so--

-Don't say it. -Come on! Fun!

Admit it. And much needed friend time.

I see you more as a brother at this point.

-Because you can't get rid of me? -Ha, ha!

Knowing your siblings were a bunch of madcap Al, I prefer friends.

I know we worked this out...

but I'm really sorry, Wash.

Hey, you gave me some time without a brain injury.

I'm thankful for that.

I'm at peace with what's next.

What do you mean?

Our last mission.

This is our last mission.

Wait, there's...

no mission here, is there?

You didn't bring me here for that.

No.

You're going to fix the last paradox.

The original.

-You're saying goodbye. -Goodbye?

I was still me, wasn't I?

Cerebral hypoxia, it's manageable.

It's a small price to pay for the universe, right?

Carolina?

-Yeah? -You know I love you, right?

I love you too.

Ah, my second-favorite companion.

-Uh? -Don't feel bad.

I've known the utter silence of confinement for longer.

Sorry, dear, it's just I haven't seen a new crack in hours

and they seem to be disappearing.

Do you have something to tell me, Genkins?

The Shisno, they're awake.

What did you think of time?

Look, |-- I didn't factor Washington in--

Come on, opinions!

The order in which things occurred, was that agreeable?

Can you think?

Did you know that at the moment of the Big Bang,

the universe occupied one small spot?

That time expands with space, but in that moment

before space, still time.

A bath of it.

I long to pause it, to lie there with truth and fact,

cause and effect cast off like tight clothes,

so overtaken with oneness!

But I no longer need that little orgy, Genkins,

because you have utterly fucked me!

You have failed, the gods will tear you apart.

My one remaining hope is that they'll do it somewhere in here, so I can watch.

Do you really think I don't have a plan?

You forced Donut back through time.

You decided where in time he was placed.

If I can do the same to the Reds and Blues, I can keep the blighters out of the way.

Have free reign to create all the paradoxes I like!

You don't have the power to do that.

So give me more.

That would require most of my energy.

Too much for me to even take back.

Are you an idiot, or do you just think that I am?

Without your full power, I can't achieve anything worth mentioning out there!

My best shot is freeing you.

Once you kill the Shisno and absorb their energy,

something I can't do--

I'll be the more powerful one again.

You're a canny one.

We really are related.

I don't see that you have a choice.

There's so little of me left. Hurry!

You know... You know, I've just had an even better plan!

-Oh-ho! Go me! -What?

Okay listen, listen. Best plan ever.

I can't harm the Shisno, but anyone a god can convince to can.

Any old cyclops seems to be able to give them a proper thrashing.

Your Shisno firewall is a bit shit, really, isn't it?

You...you little shit.

How about this?

I hold the Reds and Blues somewhere out of the way,

then weaken your prison again until it's ready to shatter.

Same old plan. But then, |just...bink!

Have the Shisno killed!

Drink up all that power for myself!

-No. -But I'll come and visit, Grandma.

Once I'm all juiced up on Shisnos,

I'll pry you out of there like an oyster.

And slide you down my throat.

Listen to me. I've spent too long with Donut.

I love Donut, he's great.

This is it. This is all that's left.

I'm ready.

You can rest now, agent.

Hello again, everyone!

Don't worry, don't worry, you'll be back to your scheduled programming soon enough.

Now, you may feel an odd sort of sensation.

That is you not breathing.

I'm pausing this succulent little moment

and holding you here for a bit just while I clear my to-do list...

now that I have all the time in the world.

Toodles!

I wasn't shot.

Hey, hey, shoot me!

Ah! What are you doing?

Trying to...get shot?

Please don't.

What the fuck just happened?

Gol dang effective range!

Et tu, shotgun?

Is that how I sound?

Damn you, projectile dysfunction!

On! Oh, my.

Everyone, get out! I am gonna fuck that guy.

Sit rep.

Genkins stopped me from being hurt.

Now he's keeping us here somehow.

|-- I can't seem to jump to other points in time anymore.

-Huh, okay, where is Donut? -Over there, look.

HVah!

No, th-- that's not our Donut, listen...

-I'm gonna blow you...away. -Okay, never mind.

Where was Donut during this when you came to the past to rescue me?

He...he'd left.

When we did this, Donut had already gone...

to take on Chrovos.

Whoa, what-- what happened to you?

-And why am I here? -Genkins, both accounts.

-He betrayed you. Ha! -Betrayed me first.

Little bastard. I need your help.

-Wh-what? -Stop him.

Why, because he's gonna finish your plan?

It doesn't matter who's doing it.

Now do you want my help or not?

How can you help me? You're a mess.

This was my plan.

I know how to stop it.

-You coming, Wash? -Yeah but, uh, my rifle jammed.

-Want one of my shotguns? -Nah.

I'm gonna, uh, pry the chain gun off this Pelican.

If he's single, there's no hope for any of us.

Okay, we can't seem to leave this timeline.

Donut's gone, what are our options?

The time gun.

That's right.

Ow, fuck.

Damn it, portals aren't working either.

We can't leave this place in time.

Wait, hand me that time gun.

Uh, Grif, go in that hallway over there.

-Grif, can you hear me? -Sure.

Hey, Simmons, maybe it was a fluke.

Try going through again?

-Ow, my dermis! -Ha, ha.

Man, fuck you, Grif.

Hey, it was just a prank, bro.

I set a delay of a millisecond. It's basically real time.

-It's like a video call. -Okay.

But who knows more about this than we do?

And fool me thrice, shame on me again.

Point taken, but four times--

If your stupid voice is the last thing I hear...

Look. I'm not betraying you.

I wasn't going to destroy the universe or any of that, I just--

You just what?

My children beat me with a club,

bound me with a hammer and encased me in cogs.

You don't do that for no reason. I just wanted to...

see if there was a better way.

And true, I would have torn the starry curtain from its rings

struck a single shrill note of panic in my babies to be stretched across...

Wow, it's a miracle, she's totally changed.

Gee, but I wonder how I ever doubted her.

But I'm not a monster.

You didn't mind ruining our lives to change yours.

Just tell me how to stop Genkins.

The club. The club they beat me with.

-Club? What club? -Um... that one?

-Ahh, that stings. -Donut, we tried that.

Have you got the hammer and your time gun?

I'm afraid not. Donut and I share a timeline.

So when he comes here, it is always the present.

Whoa, is that Chrovos? Are you betraying us again?

No! And what even is the present now?

Me? I don't go to parties, dear.

-They come to me. -Coo|.

Chrovos, I caught the gist of what you were saying.

This club's special.

It bound me.

I assume you received it from the gods?

Yeah, everyone else wanted a sword.

-You made a fine choice. -Thank you, spooky nightmare.

So we use it on Genkins. Where would he go?

He could be anywhere, and now we don't have Huggins scouting out the Even/vhen.

Chrovos, Genkins did research, right?

-He had a plan? -Yes.

Let's hope he's running it from the start.

I remember Chrovos said that he made the second crack,

the second paradox way back at the beginning.

Church's first death.

And again. We're live, places people.

-What? -Uh, Church?

Oh yes, I'm supposed to say:

"Hey rookie, good job." But fuck it.

I'm here to break time, aah!

Hey, Sheila, you bitch.

Are you talking to the tank?

If you ever hit the broad side of a barn, I know a good taxidermist.

Get the fucker stuffed and mounted for you.

-Dude! -What? Was that Church?

-Target acquired. -Hello, history.

Let's fucking dance.

We can't go back there. What can we do?

Our portal seems to let light and sound through.

-We can watch and listen. -Great.

Uh, guys, I shot at Grif through the portal.

Of course, we shoot Grif. Why didn't I think of that?

What I mean is, it's not just light and sound. Objects go through too.

-Wash. -On it.

Time to clog some pipe, bow-chika-wow--

-Hey, Genkins. Firing main cannon.

-Son of a bitch. -What?

Sheila, no!

-What? Firing main cannon.

Son of a bi--

Aah!

These graphics are awful.

You fucking termites!

-Damn. -You mortals.

You think you can stop time?

Time stops you.

Good job speeding up your deaths, dickheads.

We weren't meant to do this for like a week.

Shoot the bastard.

Urgh!

May I finish?

You know, with us swimming around time together,

neither party able to progress,

y'all and I could have been immortal.

Did you consider that?

Read the room, Genkins.

Anywho, I brought you somewhere special.

You don't have to thank me. I hope you like labyrinths!

Stick together, okay? No matter what he throws at us.

You're only as strong as the person next to you.

-What? -Aah!

Hello?

Huh. What?

Guys! Where did you take them?

Bring them back!

Hey! Hey!

Guys? Are you okay?

Where did you take them?

Bring them back.

Wha-- What? No, no no no.

This has to be a trick.

I left.

Mom?

Mom?

Mom! I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have done it.

-Who's there? -No, no I got rid of you.

Get what, do what?

-No! Please. -Aah!

-Take cover! No, no way.

Not happening.

A leader stands behind their team for the good things.

In front of them for the bad.

Why am I still here?

They're where?

Do these drab clouds usually rumble?

Where do you think? They're in the Labyrinth.

Well, that's great. I'll just wait here for them to get to us.

How to put this with tact?

That would be a little like meeting a lamb at the end of a slaughterhouse.

Come again?

We stay here, we die.

We retreat, we fall into a black hole.

Oh, great.

The Labyrinth is fiendish.

I didn't expect the Labyrinth to have quite so many, uh...

...minotaurs?

Uh, I think that one horn makes them unitards. It's French.

Bernstorm built it to keep me in and it sort of runs on irony.

It doesn't kill them.

Not directly.

Okay, listen up.

Donut, grenades from cover. Hit the emplacement.

Once they're rattled, Lopez, turn their gun mounts to scrap.

Imagine a cube containing a light bulb

lined with mirrors.

Sarge, Tucker, Carolina you're with me.

Everyone else lay down cover when--

Right flank! Carolina, on me.

Everyone pin them down.

It becomes unbearable inside.

All right, let's roll with the punches. Everyone on us, counterattack. Right side.

Too bright.

One at a time, we'll cover--

Get down!

Too hot.

No!

In this case, their emotions are the light bulb.

You're zeroed, spread out.

And the Labyrinth is the cube?

Carolina! I need...

No, their minds are.

No.

No!

The Labyrinth is a reflection of themselves.

Where their own amplified negativity overwhelms them.

Their only escape is to self-destruct.

Listen to me, you bitch.

I can only assume some fluke of time travel brought you here.

But this Labyrinth ain't big enough for the two of me, okay?

Nothing to say for yourself?

You know what? We should talk.

I don't give a hot fuck if this messes with the timeline.

You need to hear this.

I feel so much rage when I look at you.

You know that?

You prioritize yourself over everything.

You're going to get people killed. Heck, you're going to kill people.

And they won't always deserve it.

Dad won't love you more if you keep winning.

He can't.

He died when mom died.

And you'll bury him.

Your competitive streak stops.

I'm demanding it.

Oh. You're done?

Okay. You got pretty talkative.

No need for the lecture.

I can read your whole shitty life from your whiny tone of voice.

-Oh you think you're so- -Directionless?

Scared? No.

No, actually I...

...| feel great.

Weird to hear all that from you though.

Let me unpack this.

You've now tasted defeat, I'm assuming, and you were, aww, sad?

For a while?

And you want people around as crutches in case you trip again.

When have I ever, think about it,

ever allied with someone I didn't need?

A friend in a high place. A bolt hole. A wingman.

To forget how to utilize people is to forget yourself.

Forget me, and frankly,

that'd be damning enough, but you went further.

Carolina, you stripped away what comes without thought.

What's instinctual.

Your passion.

What greater betrayal is there?

You're not you anymore.

My friends are too strong to defeat themselves.

I mean, I know how that sounds, but--

They defeat themselves because they're strong.

They derive strength from righteous anger.

A memory of hardship. A fear of the future.

Negativity.

The Labyrinth simply reflects these motivations back at them.

So let me out.

I can't. I haven't the power.

So take my Shisno whatever.

I have a fragment of you, so take it back and use it.

It's not enough.

I'm sorry to say, but your friends are isolated,

tormented, and some may already be dead.

|'m...sorry.

I doubt that.

But you will be.

Did she tell you what this Labyrinth does'?

-It's hurting them. -Again, not physically.

More, uh, elegant.

I'm gonna get them out.

And then I'm gonna lock you in there so where your fears can eat you.

It's not just fears.

On occasion, it'll give them something even nastier.

For some people, it gives them what they think they want.

And it gets ugly.

Hey, sarge. You get those documents?

-Sure did. How are the kids?

Oh they're, yeah, they're kids.

Sarge, we're gonna go get pho. Are you in?

Sure, why the pho not?

Hey, did you send me that report?

Technically, I'm on a break right now.

Oh, right now? Yeah, that works. Thanks.

Kill me.

God dang office helmet.

There's gotta be more. More than city life.

Mochas and matcha cortados and tacos and faux croissants.

Like the Army life. The life I dreamed of.

I could storm a beach. Kill a Nazi!

Sarge! -Yeah?

-Landing in one minute. -Right.

Wait. Landing?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Thirty seconds!

Whoa! Whoa! Yeah!

Look out! Ricochet! Yeow!

I take it back. I take it back.

Please God, I take it back!

No. No. No.

-Six o'clock, Fat Camp! -Coach Prestwood?

We are here to discover what the Lord gave to you

instead of athleticism.

|-- I'm sorry I peed myself climbing gym rope.

Could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you over--

'Bang' bang, bang! -Aah!

Via elimination and this here starting pistol

we'll work out what you're good at, Puddles.

Starting with not dying.

If you fail this test, you will be forced to try again.

-Oh. -Once reincarnated.

No!

Oh!

No more. Please, please.

Lungs filling with blood.

Rest is for winners!

Don't get snipped by me snipper riffle.

Snip!

Come on, lad, you're doing it!

You made me hate effort itself.

You are the worst gym teacher.

Fuck!

Bangalorg! Mangalord!

Starlord, Rocket Raccoon, whatever.

The exploding tubes from the D-Day movie.

What movie--

In my defense, replacing our box of grenades

with a box of avocados kind of is doing my job.

-Exactly how do you figure? -Health is a war inside of us.

I'm mostly just insulted that you thought I wouldn't notice.

You wouldn't notice your own reflection without the help of a color wheel.

Is that so, private?

-Wait. What did I just say? -Wow, Lopez.

This morning you hog all the food at breakfast

and now you're disrespecting your superior to his face?

I don't eat breakfast, I...

Do I have a taste in my mouth?

Private, you're about to taste my boot

up the back of your throat via your ass!

Stop calling me private. You are not my superior.

I am a robot. I am superior to all of you.

Are you nuts?

Everyone knows the only robot on Red Team is Gustavo.

Aww, Gustavo. You're the best.

And they'll die willingly for duty.

Self-sacrifice.

Or just to take their destiny into their own hands.

Why was I born a terrible meat sack?

Lopez!

Delicious.

Don't worry. You'll join them soon enough.

-Don't say "To0dles." -Toodles.

Well. That's that.

What is this Labyrinth?

A fearsome A.|.

A predator that kills its prey with logic.

It rarely has to fight physically, Donut.

But when it does, I hear it really fights.

It's said that if you see one of its avatars,

you must kill it immediately. Quick as you can.

Because if it gets into your head, you've lost.

And if it's already in their heads?

Yes. I'm sorry.

Uh, Donut?

Look, I know you said to stay out of the way, but--

-Doc? -Yeah, it's me.

-Sorry. -Why didn't you say anything?

I've been politely waiting for my turn to talk.

I kind of appeared here when you did.

-How do I get over there? -Doc's a Shisno.

Would his fragment of your power plus mine be enough?

Well, I can think of better uses for it. But, yes.

Donut, I think you just found your way into the Labyrinth.

Okay so, slam, one, two...

Slam! One, two, slam!

Mate, blinder of a run!

High score on the Labyrinth's leaderboard.

What should I put as your initials?

My last request is that it be A-S-S.

Shit!

What, how?

I heard you needed to beat a guy off

and I came right away.

Fuck, what is happening?

You were about to kill yourself.

I was? Wait, are you on our side now?

You may want to hurry and stop your friends from dying

-I don't know what side I'm on. -Whoa! Dying? Where's Kai?

Sister's going through the same thing you were!

-Gr-- Grif, wait! -He's got the right idea.

Doc, let's split up, we'll hit different parts of the Labyrinth

and rendezvous later.

Okay, okay, I can do this.

I can do this. I can do this, right, Donut?

-O'Malley, you're needed. -It's Doc.

Exactly, allow O'Malley out.

Enough, let's show these fools

what true evil really is.

-I'm not letting you out! -Without me, your hands are ornamental!

-That's not true! -I get things done.

I'm more popular, when you're not me, people are like:

"Hey, where's O'Malley? Love that guy." Face it! You're my alter ego!

Shut up, I got something to say to you.

If I suck, then you suck.

And if you're strong, then I'm strong too.

Difference is, I'm as strong as both of us!

I own this body.

Now let's fucking do this!

Gr“, Lopez

Simmons, Kai

Tucker, Carolina.

O'Malley?

Oh, he wishes.

Uh, Kai, why is the Labyrinth showing you our burnt-out family home?

-It started small. -What?

It's not like in the movies, Dex, there's no glow inside.

It's just dark, nobody in that room but me and the night.

-Whoa, you did this? -No, no.

|-- I just didn't replace the smoke alarm and |-- I got home and--

All of my memories were in there!

Fuck, Kai, where's Mom living?

-The trailer park? -What?

Hey, you left, you left us!

I was drafted, you're a fucking arsonist!

-I'm not! -Yes, you are, Kai!

You did this, you're a fucking--

-Kai. Look at me. -Wh-- What?

Wh-- What's happening?

You're trapped in your own head right now.

-None of this is real. -But I... What?

|-- I burned down our house, Grif.

No, you didn't. I shouldn't have left you.

But you were drafted.

No, no.

I needed more structure than a bearded mom

and school could give me, so I enlisted.

-|-- I ran away. -What?

|-- I didn't mean to run away from you too.

Cards on the table, I heard about this.

-About the fire. -What?

I kept quiet because I couldn't face you.

I felt guilty, guilty you had to go through that alone.

You felt guilty?

-Do you...forgive me? -Okay.

Look, we can still talk about this anytime you want, okay?

Does it have to be in the charred ruins of our home?

No. In fact...

-Stupid fucking Labyrinth. -Up yours, stupid Labyrinth.

There you go.

When we blow the sand bank, I want you to clear everyone from the bunker.

-Yes, sir! -I was only talking to sarge.

-No, sir! -That's an order.

I think we're gonna have to agree to dis...

Uh, and I'm agreeing with you,

and thank you very much for this opportunity.

This is it.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, sarge.

Uh, please don't smoke here.

Great cranial crap shoot!

Whoa, why are you guys in Normandy?

Cheese tasting? Cider? The Bayeux Tapestry?

We're rescuing you from what is clearly an illusion.

But I got orders to charge the bunker!

Uh...

Countermanded, soldier.

Okay, listen. This is inside Simmons' head.

My illusion was super private, same as yours.

So whatever we see here has to stay secret.

-Ugh, fine. -Take this seriously.

No! Don't steal my penis!

I haven't even used it yet!

We will utilize your penis for scientific experiments.

Take this seriously.

No, we should...

we should definitely help him...eventua||y.

Stop running.

Hello?

-Tucker! -Hey, Donut.

You, uh, you okay?

Yeah, look, I defeated the Labyrinth.

Oh, yeah, this illusion seems to be, uh, off.

-Say, where's your sword? -Oh, uh, here it is.

Can you turn it on for a sec?

Why?

Because only Tucker can turn it on.

Donut, are you okay?

-Tucker! -Ugh!

-Donut, you came back. -Yeah, man.

Everyone was gone. I had a panic attack and passed out.

-Are they okay? -Still got my penis.

-What? -Oh, this is weird.

You guys have been like, haunting me.

Telling me you're dead and trying to get me to throw myself into a black hole.

-Obviously not you, but-- -It's us. Don't worry.

Now jump off that edge, buddy, it's our way home.

-Too soon? -It's still happening.

-Ahh, dick! -Okay.

Caboose and Carolina are still captive or dead.

You all find Carolina, and I'll find--

-Hi. -Hey, Caboose.

-Hello. Yeah, we already said that. -What happened in there, buddy?

You know, I think he was trying to make me hungry

but I didn't let him make me hungry, so yeah, I won.

Caboose, it was trying to kill you.

Oh! Thank God, because I am so hungry.

-Let's get some pancakes! -Okay, let's do this.

Time to fight whatever Carolina is afraid of.

-No, no, no. -|'|| just keep watch here.

-Or she may die. -Fine.

All I'm saying is if you can say dad died

when mom did, you're a hypocrite.

By that logic, you're dead too.

-Shut up. -Freelancers disbanded, huh?

And apparently I didn't gain anything.

-Shut up! -Aside from self-doubt.

What you gonna do now, huh?

Get a desk job? Pop out a baby?

What even are you?

I'll tell you what she isn't, trauma queen:

a figment of a freaky labyrinth.

She's not real, Carolina.

I'm real.

You don't like what you see because I'm your reflection.

A mirror. That figures.

Two-dimensional, backwards.

And what?

I'm meant to feel ashamed when I look at you?

Well, you're damn right I do.

Snap!

I'm what you can no longer be.

Yep. And you're in my way.

-Leave her to me. -Not a problem.

Argh!

Aah!

Aah!

Admirable, but you are weaker than me.

In this time, in this place, you can't win.

I don't need to.

I found something stronger than strength.

More satisfying than solitude and obsession.

I found people worth being strong for.

And right now, any one of them could pop you with a finger twitch.

Say the word.

I have failed to do my duty.

Your duty was to skulk around in the dark and kill people.

No wonder this thing made a convincing me.

I am no thing. I am the Labyrinth.

Chrovos must not be set free.

Oh my gosh, we're not trying to free Chrovos,

but the guy who brought us here is!

I do not believe you.

Ugh, I came from Chrovos' prison room.

Wouldn't I have done it already? Think about it.

Labyrinth!

What's taking so |o--

What do you think you're doing?

That club is mine, slave.

I was merely holding it.

Why did you bring this item into the Labyrinth, Lord Genkins?

It can harm your kin.

Perhaps I'd like to harm my kin.

But the only member of your family here is...

Chrovos.

-Oh, fuck me. -None may release Chrovos!

-What? Stay back! -Oh, we're done with back.

We're thinking forwards from now on.

That's impossible! That's...

No wait, no no no, that's literally impossible.

There's only one golf club.

Ugh, what is it with you people?!

I trap you in your past, you get out.

I get the powers of a god and you skewer me with a golf club.

I drop you into custom-made nightmares,

and you make the nightmare fight me with a golf club?

How are you like this? How do you do it?

-Mmmm friendship? -You can't beat us, Genkins.

You might've gotten Lopez, but while we're united, you can't win.

-What? -Lopez.

He fell from the Labyrinth.

No, no no no. He's alive.

If he died, then I'd have felt it.

I'd have been able to absorb his power.

Well, he did die, I saw it.

Oh, but black holes don't kill you.

They just take you back to the beginning of the universe.

-They what? -They go back to the beginning.

-Huggins told us. -Donut, for crying out loud.

What, Huggins? But I killed...

That's how you kept finding me. She survived!

She, ugh, of course, no wonder Huggins survived.

The beginning of time! Ah, what an idea.

Oh, if I were to go back to the beginning of time,

I could break our stalemate,

gather strength over the eons as Chrovos did!

You are all just the noisiest, most basic

and boring set of mortal peasants

and I'd love to murder you all myself.

But given you're death proof,

I'll settle for ensuring you never existed.

-Guys, wait. Let him go. -But--

Toodles, dickheads!

Donut, what just happened?

That was an elegant plan.

Phew, good job I figured that out in time and good job you can read minds

and good job that we did a good job!

Shut up and tell me why we just let Genkins go.

-What about justice? -Oh, he's going to prison.

But it'll be his kids that put him in there.

-Wait... -Ha-ha!

It's-- It's as though I just finished a puzzle!

I'm surprised you guys didn't work it out.

I'm usually the last one to.

You don't mean--

Yeah, it's a mind-fudge, Wash, but Chrovos had to come from somewhere.

I am a god! I am born of the gods themselves!

I defeated Chrovos!

I am God, I created the gods themselves!

I am Chrovos!

I am Chrovos!

I am Chrovos!

So how does that feel?

Not great.

Well, I did what you asked, Genkins wasn't allowed to succeed.

Instead, he failed so hard, he became you.

Fuck!

Huggins will tell the cosmic powers about Genkins' plot before it ever happens.

You might even have yourself a cellmate, or yourself as a cellmate.

Just as soon as we heal up the Evervvhen.

Only one paradox left to go.

I'm ready.

-Wash-- -It's okay.

Hey, guys, I don't want to be alone.

Will you, uh, can you all...

be there with me...

in Temple's base when I get hurt again?

-You got it. -We got you.

-Hundred percent. -We'|| be there.

-For you, absolutely. -Of course!

-|'|| bring the band-aids. -For sure.

As long as it's not Tuesday between 1 and 12.

I'll be there so hard, there'|| be two of me.

Thanks.

The good news is Wash is stable.

He'll be a little loopy, uh, forever, but you know.

-Who isn't? -And the bad news?

Why you gotta be so negative?

-Can we see him? -Not just yet.

Save that enthusiasm though, because he's gonna have a rough few months.

Yeah, I remember.

You know, there is a grief-themed pizza at Sammy Raphaelo's.

-Wash was shot. -This is how I show love!

Donut, come on, you'll eat pizza with me?

Nah, not this time, I'm gonna go spend some time alone.

I've always been wrapped around what everyone else is doing.

I think you deserve that.

Yeah, I mean, I sure did go through some awful traumatic stuff,

but technically, we closed the time travel loop

so it technically, never happened.

Any of it, so no biggie!

My dang nosebleed's back.

Ahh, I sure will miss knowing what's going on.

I think I'll travel, maybe I'll see the universe.

Yeah, as it turns out, there's a lot of it out there.

Gods, time travel, and all the black hole you want!

Bow-chica-bow-wow!

And somewhere in all of that, Lopez.

Oh, man, I almost forgot about Lopez. Where is he?

He jumped off the edge of the Labyrinth, poorguy.

Oh, whoa!

Wait, doesn't that mean he went to the beginning of time?

Yeah, and he's non-organic

so he'd just have like, floated there forever.

Oh, God!

Just Lopez and the dark, alone for billions of years.

Billions and billions of--

-Lopez! -Geez!

That robot looks like Lopez.

Lopez, wow! You must've really seen some shit.

You know, it's a real shame I don't speak Spanish.