Original subtitles

- Hi.

- Hey, Lexi.

Any chance you want to go to the Harvest Dance together?

- I don't usually date seniors, but I'll let you know.

- Cool. Well, I better run.

I don't want to be late to health class.

- Is it just me, or are the seniors

at this school really old-looking?

- Mm, it's just you.

- Can I ask, what exactly is a Harvest Dance,

'cause apparently the class president has to plan it?

- [chuckles] Okay, uh, first of all, it'stheHarvest Dance,

and planning it is a huge responsibility.

- But it's just a dance.

- Daisy, the kid who planned the Harvest Dance last year

had a mental breakdown.

Now he plans the parties

at the Bellhurst Asylum for the Teenaged Insane.

The theme for prom last year was...

[yelling]

- Hey, Lexi.

My friend thinks you're cute.

- Oh. [chuckles]

Tell him I'm still making my decision.

- Okay. - Thanks.

- Okay, those seniors had visible crow's feet.

I'm gonna check IDs.

- I just can't decide who to say yes to.

- Well, what if you didn't go with any of them?

What if you asked someone to go with you instead?

- Hmm. - Oh, man.

Flushed my shirt down the toilet again.

- [sighs]

- If you like Jamie, just ask him.

- Look, don't pressure me.

I'm still thinking about it.

But I do love that you're obsessing

over my romantic entanglements.

Keep doing that.

- Hey, there is no way that that guy goes to our school.

He's literally wearing cataract glasses and a Desert Storm hat.

[laid-back music playing]

[bell rings]

- * When I wake up in the morning *

* Alarm gives out a warning *

* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *

[bell rings]

* By the time I grab my books *

* And I give myself a look *

* I'm at the corner just in time *

* It's all right, it's all right *

* Saved by the bell, it's all right *

* It's all right, saved by the bell *

* It's all right *

* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *

[bell rings]

[cheerful music playing]

- * Bop-bop, ooh, bop-bop-bop *

- * My surfing dream's a wipeout *

* That bummer drill sergeant's gonna kick my butt *

* There's no waves in boot camp *

* You can't hang ten while you go ten-hut *

* *

- Wonderful!

This may be the greatest musical I've ever written,

and to think I got kicked out of Juilliard

for getting straight Fs.

- You have a really great voice, DeVante.

Congratulations, that's the first time

I've ever said that sincerely.

- That's enough musical rehearsals for today.

The time has come for scene work.

- Uh, what--what's scene work? Is that, like, acting?

- Lexi, you're the sultry beach babe

whose preacher father thinks surfing is a sin.

DeVante, you're the studly surf rat

who's gonna break her heart

like a long board on a rocky shoal.

- Cool. - And action.

- But, Kahuna...

What if I never see you again?

What if you get shot in the war?

I could never lose you.

[gentle music]

- I'm not the Big Kahuna anymore.

I'm just Private Bernard Kahoonski...

And my train is leaving.

- Kahuna, no!

- I'm sorry. I have to go.

[bell rings]

- Okay.

That was rough, but, luckily, I have a free period,

so I'm gonna twist off a Barefoot Chard

and watch "Property Brothers."

We'll try this again tomorrow.

[light tense music]

- Eight, nine...

Damn it. How did I manage to lose 800 whoopee cushions?

- Hey, Mac.

Hope you're having a rock-and-roll day.

- Thanks, I always do.

[rock music]

- The Birchwood Boys are back, baby!

* *

- No.

- Next item on the agenda--

we need to pick a caterer for the Harvest Dance.

- Or what if everyone just brought a bag of chips,

but to make it fun,

you keep the flavor you're bringing a surprise.

Okay, I can't wait any longer. I'm bringing Baked Lay's.

- Stop the meeting. Stop this travesty.

I'm only gonna ask you this once.

Who did you hire to do the music at the Harvest Dance?

Who did you hire to do the music at the Harvest Dance?

- This local indie band that Principal Toddman recommended.

He said they'd play for free.

- Was it the Birchwood Boys? - Yes.

- The Birchwood Boys are Toddman and his neighbors

from the Birchwood Furnished Apartment Complex

for Divorced Dads. - I'm sorry.

It just feels crazy to have a $10,000 budget

for a school dance, and if we spend sensibly,

maybe we can use the rest of it on something we actually need.

- On what?

"Pagier" books? "Typier" computers?

I don't know. I don't go to class.

I just walk around the halls mixing it up.

- He does have a point.

- I do? - He does?

- The money is specifically allocated

for the dance by the school board.

If we don't spend it,

we just lose it from the budget next year.

- That's exactly what I said.

- Oh, well, in that case,

I guess we have to spend the money?

[light music]

[sighs]

But how do you even spend $10,000 on a school dance?

- Daisy, I'm currently wearing $10,000 worth of cologne.

Let me show you how to spend.

- [sighs deeply]

[upbeat music]

* *

- We need to talk.

I know you weren't trying when we ran that scene yesterday.

- Look, I did the musical because I like music.

- Mm-hmm.

- But this acting stuff is, respectfully, corny as hell.

- I understand completely,

which is why I've taken the liberty of booking you

a class with famed acting coach Dax Cahuenga.

I see you're too shocked to gasp.

Dax is a Hollywood legend. Do you know Justin Long?

That's Dax's landlord.

- Yeah, it's gonna be a no for me, dog.

- Okay, but how could you say no

to a girl who's losing her sight?

Mama? Is that you?

Dax taught me that day one. So what do you say, tough guy?

- I think we both know I'm gonna leave now.

- Yeah.

[mellow music]

- Whoa. This party store is so fancy.

- Hello, service? [snaps fingers]

My dad's governor, and her dad's daughter

is friends with the governor's son.

- Stop it. Snapping is so rude.

Okay, we need a punch bowl. How about this one?

- No, no, no, no, no, no. That is garbage.

I wouldn't let my dog drink punch

out of that, and my dog loves punch.

- Why? What's wrong with it?

- It's the first one you saw.

Rule number one of spending money like a rich person--

we can do better.

[lively music]

* *

- No, we can do better.

* *

We can do better.

* *

We can do better.

We can do even better.

* *

Hmm.

Hello? [snaps fingers] Service?

- Um, I don't work here.

- Oh.

[record scratches]

I know snapping is rude.

I'm being a rich person. Don't judge me.

[hip-hop music]

- Yes. - [groans]

- Man, you trash.

- Yo, I miss Douglas.

It sucks they split up the crew.

- Yeah, well, at least they sent y'all to Valley together.

I'm at Bayside alone.

- Valley is wild.

It is full of white people that love "Hamilton"

but are terrified of real black people.

We just walk around talking about how much it sucks.

[cell phone buzzes]

* *

- So, I mean, being that Valley hasn't changed y'all,

y'all still keeping that same Douglas energy?

- Absolutely. All day, every day.

- Wrong. - Shut up.

You said you weren't gonna say nothing.

- D, Ray tried to reinvent himself

his first day at Valley.

- Come on, please, man.

- He came in wearing a little hat.

Show him.

- A hat? - A hat. Look at this.

* *

You look like an old dad in a Spike Lee movie.

- I was trying something new. What do you think, D?

* *

- Boy, if you don't get your ghetto

Carmen Sandiego hat ass up out of here...

- Yeah, you look like Al Capone's one black friend.

- You Paddington Bear-looking-- You know what?

I got to go. - Where you going?

- Well, you figure it out, Sherlock Stupid Hat.

- Carmen Sandiego was dope. She traveled the world.

- Hello?

Has rehearsal been canceled?

- In a sense, yes. Lights.

I sent everyone home.

If you aren't going to make time to come to acting class,

acting class is going to have to come to you.

Welcome to your nightmare.

Just kidding. It'll be fun.

- Ahh, ohh... Catch!

[light music]

- Catch what? - I threw you a sound.

It's an acting exercise.

Here, try again.

Ahh, ohh--ah! [scoffs]

You didn't catch it.

* *

You're lucky it isn't broken.

- If I do break it, can this be over?

- If you're gonna be in the musical,

you need to be willing to step out of your comfort zone.

- I am--I've been out of my comfort zone

ever since I got to this school.

Look, I thought I could try something new,

but maybe I can't-- maybe it was just a mistake.

- It's not a mistake. You're just scared.

But sometimes facing your fear

and taking the risk is worth it.

- I'm not scared.

I just don't want to look like a joke.

- A joke?

Is that what you think I look like?

- Well, yeah, kind of.

- Hey, Lexi, come on, now. I didn't mean it like that.

- No, I think maybe you were right.

Maybe you should just quit.

- Lexi.

[melancholy music]

* *

- Guys! Hello?

Why is no one using the booties I bought for them?

I spent all last weekend buffing the gym floor...

and being cool and going on dates and stuff.

[clears throat] Excuse me.

- Daisy.

These are the fanciest harvest decorations I've ever seen.

- What can I say? Bayside deserves the best.

Guys, why are we carving pumpkins?

Sorry, it's just jack-o'-lanterns are Halloween.

This is Harvest.

[light tense music]

- Okay.

- Hey, I bet myself $10 that I would never say this,

but you're kind of good at being a rich lady.

You should be proud of yourself.

This dance is gonna be perfect.

[feedback screeching]

- Are we sweet? Am I sweet in the mix?

Saul, can you play me a--Saul?

Saul! Can you play me a middle C?

[note plays]

There it is. That should do it.

Rock and roll!

[feedback screeches]

- Okay, maybe not perfect.

[electric guitar screeches]

- So, are you guys excited for the Harvest Dance?

I hope there aren't too many scarecrows this year.

- Hey, Jamie.

Heard you talking about the Harvest Dance.

Know who you're taking?

- I haven't really thought about it yet.

- Dances are so fun. [chuckles]

I've been to so many over the course of my life.

Well, let me know, hon.

- Okay, is that woman a senior at our school?

- Who, Dolores? Yeah.

- She's, like, a billion. Nobody else sees this?

Maybe this place is making us old.

I'm gonna go check my face in the mirror.

[light music playing]

- [sighs] So...

do you know who you're taking to the dance?

- Um, I don't know.

I was thinking maybe it could be fun to, like,

bring a friend.

I mean, if you're not taking anyone, maybe...

- Maybe what?

You forgot to finish your sentence.

It's cool. I do it all the...

- Maybe, uh...

I don't remember what I was gonna say.

It was probably something really funny.

- [laughs]

Oh, yeah, it was. [laughs]

Oh.

- It's called the horn of plenty, Nadia,

not a horn of some.

We can do better.

- Hey, if this is what it's like to have a job,

then it sucks.

And I owe my dad's trophy wife a huge apology.

[electric guitar screeches]

- Hey, Daisy, would you like us to open

with "The Piña Colada Song" and then just play it all night,

because that is the only song we know?

[Rupert Holmes' "Escape" playing]

* *

- [sighs]

- [chuckles] Bye.

- We got to do something about Toddman.

- Oh, listen, nobody wants to flush that turd

more than I do.

Who do we replace him with?

I mean, my next-door neighbor is Post Malone.

He's always standing asleep

in his front yard watering the grass.

I could see if he knows somebody.

- What? Ask him.

- What do we do about Toddman?

- I'll deal with it.

- Oh, really? You sure?

- We want the dance to be perfect, right?

I'll do what I have to do.

- Savage. I like that for you.

I'm gonna go wake up Post and tell him the good news.

* *

- [sighs deeply]

- Hey, Daisy, are we not loud enough?

Listen-- Hold up, boys. One second.

I can crank the treble.

The bass is broken.

- Mr. Toddman, I know I promised

that the Birchwood Boys could play the dance,

but I think we want to move in a different direction.

- It's Saul. He's the problem, right?

Did his face Band-Aid come off? Now you know why

he wears a face Band-Aid. - I'm sorry, Mr. Toddman.

But you're not playing the dance.

We can do better.

- Oh. I see.

Hey, Saul, pack it up. We're canned.

- [sighs] Uh...

Why are we standing around, guys?

Post Malone is playing the dance,

and this place has to look amazing.

Let's go, let's go, let's go! [snapping fingers]

- Excuse me, did you just snap at a room full of volunteers?

The only one who is allowed to snap at me

is the crocodile I'm raising to make a bag out of.

Screw this.

I quit.

- [scoffs]

- Wow. Rude. - Build your own corn maze.

- Uh... Uh...

* *

Uh... [record scratches]

Okay, now you can judge me.

- How are you not gonna buy me a house if you win the lottery?

- Bro, it's my money, okay?

I got to get me a house.

I got to get my grandmama a crib.

- Oh, then you definitely gonna buy me one,

'cause I'm gonna be smashing your grandma.

- Dude! - Now you know how it feels.

- Your grandma is thick, though.

She make them good grits. [cell phone buzzes]

- Okay, y'all, stop talking about my grandma.

- Smooth.

- Yo, you leaving us again, D?

- Nah, I ain't got nowhere to be.

- Good, then I'ma order us some pizzas.

- Or paella.

- No, why are you always trying something new?

- I'm not--Valley had it in the cafeteria,

and I wanted to see what it was about.

Dang! - [sighs, clicks tongue]

D, put something good on TV for us, please.

- Got you.

- No, but dead-ass, buy that paella.

It got shrimp. Do you know what saffron is?

It got saffron. Like, that's fragrant.

[TV beeping]

- What the...

- I'm excited, but I'm nervous, too.

It's, like, I've been going to school

with these people for years, and this is the first time

they're gonna see me since my transition.

The first time they're actually

gonna see me as myself.

[uplifting music]

But I'm scared.

What if they judge me or don't accept me?

* *

I just don't want people to think I'm a joke.

- Oh, no.

[indistinct chatter]

- Today was hard.

I threw up Go-Gurt on my first-day-of-school dress,

so I had to wear

my second-day-of-school dress instead.

But I got to be myself,

and tomorrow I get to do it all over again.

You see, the thing I learned today is...

Jamie!

If you don't face your fears...

- Hey. - Good to see you.

- You too. - Hi.

And just say, "This is me,

and I don't care what anyone else thinks,"

then you'll never be the person you were meant to be.

You'll never be free.

* *

- Are you...

crying?

- Shut up, man!

Look, I'm in the musical at Bayside.

- It's--it's all good, man. You do you.

- Mm-hmm.

- Take off the damn hat!

- Okay, everything is set with Post Malone.

His requests were hot tea with lemon

and that I always stay 50 feet away from him.

[unsettling music]

* *

Uh, what happened?

- Um, I guess I sort of lashed out,

and the whole dance committee quit.

So I thought maybe I can do it all myself.

- What even is this?

Did you put Christmas lights in a fishbowl?

- It's an elegant accent piece, you dick.

I saw it on someone's Pinterest.

Okay, fine! It was my Pinterest!

I got to act like a rich person for one day--one day!

And I turned into the worst version

of an entitled Bayside monster.

- So you're saying that being rich is just as hard,

even harder than being poor?

- No, of course being rich is way easier than being poor.

When you're poor, you're worried all the time,

even if you're a kid.

Like, last year I was all excited

about myquinceañera.

I even kept a folder where I'd cut out

fancy pictures from magazines,

but then I overheard my mom on the phone

talking about how worried she was,

and we were drowning in bills.

So when she asked me what I wanted for myquince,

I said they were stupid, and I didn't want one.

- I'm sorry, Daisy.

That really sucks.

Just to clarify--

aquinceañerais some kind of spicy meat pie?

[bell rings]

- I got to go to class.

I guess this is as good as it's gonna get.

[cheerful music]

* *

- Right, 'cause that's what I was thinking.

I never told him.

- Hey, Lexi.

I'm sorry about what I said.

You're not a joke.

You're cool.

- Okay, I actually don't hate this so far.

Go on.

- And you were right.

I was scared.

But I don't want to be scared anymore.

I want to be the person that I was meant to be.

- What are you trying to say?

- What I'm trying to say is...

I think it's time for the Big Kahuna

to surf on out of here!

- But, Kahuna...

what if I never see you again?

What if you get shot?

The world would lose a surf champion,

but I-- I'd would lose my heart.

- Oh, but I'm not Kahuna anymore.

I'm just Private Bernard Kahoonski,

and my train is leaving.

[indistinct chatter]

That wasn't so bad, right?

- Uh, actually, that was total garbage,

but we'll work on it. [chuckles]

[light music]

* *

- So what do you think?

- Oh, my God. How did you do all this?

- Let's just say I had a little help.

- You told the volunteers I was sorry

and convinced them to come back?

- No, I gave them my dad's floor seats to the Clippers.

- Oh.

- And I promised them that you wouldn't be here for setup.

Anyway, congrats.

- [groans]

Wait, but isn't this too easy?

I acted horribly, and I just get to get away with it?

- Yeah. Look, you were right.

Having money can make you act like a jerk,

but, fortunately, you can just use more money

to clean up the mess you made.

It's the circle of wealth.

- But it just doesn't seem right.

- You look conflicted.

Let me give you some money.

Sorry.

[indistinct chatter, pop music playing]

* *

- This is fun.

Remember all the dances we went to in this gym?

Ever wish you could go back?

- Sure do. - [chuckles]

- When I think about all the damage

we were doing to the gym floor back then--

ugh, makes me sick.

Is anyone wearing their booties?

For God's sake.

* *

- Hey, handsome. - Oh, hey, Lexi.

- I see you decided to roll solo, like me.

- Oh, no, actually, uh, I have a date.

Oh, and I owe you a thank-you

because you're the one who gave me the idea to ask a friend.

- Oh, Aisha. - Yeah.

- That's great. - Right? Thanks.

- Have so much fun. - You too, you too.

Very cool dress. You look like a cupcake.

- Daisy, this is the fanciest dance I've ever been to.

- Well, I don't deserve all the credit.

- Oh, faux humility-- that's rich as hell.

You're becoming a real Bayside kid.

Oh, okay, I got to go. Jamie just saw a scarecrow.

* *

- Hey, everybody, could I get a "Happy autumn, bitches"?

[cheers and applause]

Now, I know you didn't come here to hear me.

You came here to hear Post Malone.

[cheers and applause]

First, I want to give a big shout-out to the person

who made all this happen.

Let's hear it for Daisy. Come on up, Daisy.

[scattered cheers and applause] - Daisy...

all: Daisy, Daisy! - Come on, Daisy.

all: Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!

Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!

[cheers and applause]

- Now, ladies and gentlemen, Post Malone--

- Stop, no! - What are you doing?

- I'm sorry, everybody,

but I didn't make this dance happen.

In fact, my attitude almost ruined it,

so I want to say thank you to all the hardworking volunteers

who put up with me.

I should have done better.

And I want to make a surprise announcement.

Principal Toddman?

- Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you like me to leave?

- Uh, what are you doing, Daisy?

- Tonight's musical guest

will not be Post Malone as scheduled.

- No, no, no.

- Please put your hands together for...

the Birchwood Boys!

- No, no, no, no. Keep your hands apart.

Keep your hands apart. Do not put them together.

No, no, no.

Stop, stop, stop.

- * If you like piña coladas *

* And getting caught in the rain *

* If you're not into yoga *

* If you have half a brain *

- Oh, I love this song.

It was played at my first wedding.

- Okay, great. Maybe I'll see you in class.

- * I'm the love that you've looked for *

* Run to me and escape *

- Hey, sorry I ruined the dance.

I just had to do the right thing.

- It's okay.

We don't need another entitled Bayside monster.

- [chuckles]

So was Post Malone mad?

- No, he was never even here.

- What?

- He's a platinum recording artist.

He's not gonna play a dance at a school gym.

- So what would you have done if I didn't interrupt you?

- Huh.

I don't know. Good thing you did.

- * I thought it wasn't half bad *

* Yes, I like piña coladas *

* And getting caught in the rain *

* I'm not much into health food *

* I am into champagne *

* I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon *

* And cut through all this red tape *

* At a bar called O'Malley's *

* Where we'll plan our escape *

* So I waited with high hopes *

* Then she walked in the place *

* I knew her smile in an instant *

* I knew the curve of her face *

* It was my own lovely lady *

* And she said, "Aw, it's you" *

[chuckles] * And we laughed for a moment *

* And I said, "I never knew *

* That you liked piña coladas *

* And getting caught in the rain"... *