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# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,646 --> 00:00:09,922
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
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# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,606 --> 00:00:16,837
# But I am not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:17,046 --> 00:00:20,925
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
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# Fading away, but I'm not yet expired
7
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# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:34,646 --> 00:00:38,639
Now, you see, if you follow
the actual curve of the thigh
10
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:43,197
right the way up to the waist,
you can see it's... Mr Meldrew?
11
00:00:43,366 --> 00:00:48,360
You can see that it's actually
a virtual right angle. There. You see?
12
00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:53,680
- Yes.
- Look at her thighs and look at your thighs.
13
00:00:53,886 --> 00:00:56,844
Not at the floor, Mr Meldrew. At her thighs.
14
00:00:57,006 --> 00:01:00,282
- There aren't any thighs on the floor.
- No.
15
00:01:01,286 --> 00:01:03,481
Now the head.
16
00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,841
Look at this.
17
00:01:06,006 --> 00:01:10,397
This looks like the result
of some hideous medical experiment.
18
00:01:10,566 --> 00:01:13,478
It's... I mean, what is it, Mr Meldrew?
19
00:01:14,486 --> 00:01:16,954
It isn't any known terrestrial life form.
20
00:01:17,966 --> 00:01:22,562
What's that film? ''The Thing'' by John Carpenter?
And what are these?
21
00:01:22,766 --> 00:01:27,396
- Next to her nose, up here.
- I'm not quite sure what they are.
22
00:01:27,606 --> 00:01:30,598
- They look like tusks!
- They do a bit.
23
00:01:30,766 --> 00:01:33,405
You see, if I'd wanted a pencil sketch
24
00:01:33,566 --> 00:01:38,162
of some heraldic beast
suffering from various congenital deformities,
25
00:01:38,326 --> 00:01:41,443
I would have brought one in. You see?
26
00:01:41,646 --> 00:01:44,843
- And got it to pose on the couch,
- Yes, I see, yes.
27
00:01:45,006 --> 00:01:48,999
- Are you comfy, Mrs Mauleverer?
- Fine, thank you.
28
00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:55,162
Have another go. Try to think of the proportions
a bit more. What are you using for this, anyway?
29
00:01:55,326 --> 00:01:58,716
Some advanced form
of diamond-cutting implement?
30
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:02,879
2H. I got on rather well with it last week
with the cup and saucer.
31
00:02:03,046 --> 00:02:05,844
Yes, but this isn't a cup and saucer, is it?
32
00:02:07,846 --> 00:02:10,440
No...not really. It isn't.
33
00:02:10,606 --> 00:02:14,281
Use something softer and keep it well sharpened.
You have a Stanley knife?
34
00:02:14,486 --> 00:02:18,479
- Yes.
- Well, try using it, please.
35
00:02:24,046 --> 00:02:27,277
No! No, you will not!
36
00:02:27,486 --> 00:02:32,606
Leave it in the garage! There's quite enough
death on the road as it is. I'll get a taxi.
37
00:02:36,646 --> 00:02:42,004
Lost his contact lenses again, my father.
Old people are such a worry, aren't they?
38
00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:47,921
Whereabouts do you live, then?
Perhaps I can give you a lift.
39
00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:51,524
Oh. Do you know Southern Crescent at all?
40
00:02:51,726 --> 00:02:56,117
You won't have another foam-back
as long as you live!
41
00:02:56,286 --> 00:03:00,882
Oh, please, don't!
And go through this performance again?
42
00:03:01,046 --> 00:03:05,244
We've still got all the bedrooms upstairs
to clear out next week.
43
00:03:05,406 --> 00:03:10,400
I'll have little rubber crumbs under my nails
for ever more. Oh! Damn!
44
00:03:11,446 --> 00:03:16,122
- That's another splinter! Look.
- Where? Let me look.
45
00:03:17,126 --> 00:03:20,914
- Oh, dear. That looks a bit nasty.
- Mm.
46
00:03:25,846 --> 00:03:28,235
What are you doing? I said I'd do that.
47
00:03:28,406 --> 00:03:32,797
Yes, well, Mr Wharton has been very nice
and been helping me.
48
00:03:32,966 --> 00:03:37,960
Yes. Better be on my way, though, I suppose.
Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew.
49
00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:40,924
And er...see you tomorrow, I hope.
50
00:03:41,086 --> 00:03:45,876
Oh, see you then. Thanks very much.
Bye-bye, then.
51
00:03:46,046 --> 00:03:48,435
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
52
00:03:51,846 --> 00:03:54,838
- Where was this?
- Under the gooseberry bush.
53
00:03:55,006 --> 00:04:00,205
Strange. I always thought Weetabix packets
were a result of sexual intercourse.
54
00:04:03,046 --> 00:04:06,118
So how did it go this week? What did you draw?
55
00:04:06,326 --> 00:04:12,322
I suppose I'd be living in a fool's paradise
to ask if they've fixed that phone yet?
56
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:15,319
(TELEPHONE RINGS WEAKLY)
57
00:04:18,566 --> 00:04:21,160
Fool's Paradise 300. Hello!
58
00:04:21,326 --> 00:04:23,317
Hello!
59
00:04:25,046 --> 00:04:27,082
Bloody thing!
60
00:04:28,046 --> 00:04:32,642
- I said what did you have to draw tonight?
- Seven days ago they were to do that!
61
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:37,800
- Am I talking to myself?
- Erm, draw. Do you know, I can't remember.
62
00:04:37,966 --> 00:04:41,595
It was...a nude, yes.
That's right, of course. I remember now.
63
00:04:41,806 --> 00:04:47,164
- A nude? What - a nude woman?
- As far as one could tell, yes.
64
00:04:50,046 --> 00:04:53,038
Why has she got tusks?
65
00:04:53,206 --> 00:04:56,357
That was a first attempt. Don't look at that.
66
00:04:59,606 --> 00:05:03,918
- Oh. Very nice.
- Thank you very much.
67
00:05:04,126 --> 00:05:08,517
I suppose you had to draw her breasts
in this much detail, did you?
68
00:05:08,686 --> 00:05:12,042
- What?
- You had to put breasts on her?
69
00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:17,240
What was I supposed to do? Ask if she
would mind slipping them off for a few minutes?
70
00:05:17,406 --> 00:05:21,638
Hang them up on the clothes peg
next to her handbag?
71
00:05:21,846 --> 00:05:24,644
You might have had the decency to rub them out.
72
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:29,317
Rub them out?!
What's the point of her being nude, then?
73
00:05:29,526 --> 00:05:31,721
You tell me!
74
00:05:31,886 --> 00:05:34,275
No wonder you're late home,
75
00:05:34,446 --> 00:05:38,837
having to tear yourself away
from this orgy of flesh!
76
00:05:39,046 --> 00:05:43,597
After I gave her a lift home
I got lost in the one-way system.
77
00:05:43,806 --> 00:05:46,195
Gave who a lift home? The naked woman?
78
00:05:46,366 --> 00:05:48,436
A naked woman?
79
00:05:48,646 --> 00:05:51,114
She wasn't naked when I gave her a lift!
80
00:05:52,446 --> 00:05:55,438
You've had a naked woman in the car?
81
00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:58,444
Not in the car she wasn't naked!
82
00:05:58,646 --> 00:06:03,436
- She didn't sit in the passenger seat?
- No, I strapped her to the roof rack (!)
83
00:06:03,606 --> 00:06:06,325
Attracted a few stares at the traffic lights.
84
00:06:06,486 --> 00:06:10,559
She's not naked all the time!
She does occasionally put on some clothes.
85
00:06:10,766 --> 00:06:15,476
- She's naked by profession.
- What the hell is that supposed to mean?
86
00:06:15,646 --> 00:06:20,959
She's a model. She happens to be an artist.
She models for friends. It's perfectly logical.
87
00:06:21,166 --> 00:06:23,634
Oh, know all about her now, do you?
88
00:06:24,846 --> 00:06:28,759
Well, yes.
She's um...offered me a little part-time job.
89
00:06:31,686 --> 00:06:35,679
- Oh, yes?
- Cleaning around her house once a week.
90
00:06:35,846 --> 00:06:41,603
She's divorced now. Her father stays with her
and is a bit of a handful, so a few extra bob...
91
00:06:41,806 --> 00:06:46,596
Well, you don't have any objection,
surely to goodness?
92
00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:48,603
Oh!
93
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,406
Off to the funfair with Mr Wharton, are we?
94
00:06:55,566 --> 00:07:00,356
So would you be if you weren't skivvying
for Lady Godiva all day. Excuse me.
95
00:07:00,526 --> 00:07:05,316
- Remember to hold his hand in the ghost train.
- I'll bring you back a toffee apple.
96
00:07:07,046 --> 00:07:11,039
Funfairs! We'll all be off to kindergarten next.
97
00:07:15,046 --> 00:07:17,640
That's not bad, you know, that.
98
00:07:17,806 --> 00:07:20,639
You ought to take up painting.
99
00:07:20,846 --> 00:07:23,440
Very good of the flamingo, especially.
100
00:07:24,446 --> 00:07:26,835
That looks a treat, that.
101
00:07:27,006 --> 00:07:31,796
Yes. What about the carpet?
Does that look... Flamingo?!
102
00:07:33,046 --> 00:07:35,435
That's a bowl of fruit!
103
00:07:35,646 --> 00:07:39,036
- Sorry?
- That's a bowl of fruit!
104
00:07:39,206 --> 00:07:42,004
What? In the middle of a flamingo colony?
105
00:07:42,166 --> 00:07:44,555
On top of the television set!
106
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:50,162
Oh, I see now! It's a bowl of fruit
on top of a television set.
107
00:07:50,326 --> 00:07:52,715
Being eaten by a flamingo.
108
00:07:52,886 --> 00:07:57,277
There aren't any flamingos in it!
Where do you get flamingos from?
109
00:07:57,446 --> 00:08:01,644
That's a still life I did bef...
I don't have time to stand arguing.
110
00:08:01,806 --> 00:08:05,196
I've got a job to go to myself. I'll leave you to it.
111
00:08:05,366 --> 00:08:08,358
Right, no sweat there. I'll be fine. No problem.
112
00:08:10,646 --> 00:08:14,764
- Yes, it's all go, carpet-laying, isn't it (?)
- Oh, you wouldn't chuckle.
113
00:08:14,966 --> 00:08:17,958
No, I wouldn't.
114
00:08:30,446 --> 00:08:32,437
Flamingo?!
115
00:08:42,646 --> 00:08:45,035
Mad. Completely mad.
116
00:09:04,646 --> 00:09:06,841
Excuse me?
117
00:09:07,006 --> 00:09:10,521
- Excuse me, you don't need to do that.
- What?
118
00:09:10,686 --> 00:09:13,678
I'm doing this room! No need for you to do it!
119
00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:16,758
I'M doing this room. Excuse me, please.
120
00:09:16,926 --> 00:09:19,360
I'm being paid to do it!
121
00:09:20,446 --> 00:09:22,835
Oh, what's he up to now?
122
00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:27,115
It's off! Father!
123
00:09:27,286 --> 00:09:29,277
Father! It's off!
124
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:36,122
I'm not entirely helpless. I am still capable.
Who is this, anyway?
125
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:40,922
That's Mr Meldrew, Father.
I'm paying him to clean up for us.
126
00:09:41,086 --> 00:09:46,444
- He can sod off! I don't like the look of him.
- Well, he can't help his looks, can he?
127
00:09:46,646 --> 00:09:50,844
- No more than you can.
- You've never approved of this wig.
128
00:09:51,006 --> 00:09:55,204
Father, it's completely immaterial to me
what bizarre objects
129
00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:57,926
you go around balancing on your head all day.
130
00:09:58,126 --> 00:10:01,641
All I ask is that I be allowed to decide how...
131
00:10:05,046 --> 00:10:07,640
Satisfied now?
132
00:10:07,806 --> 00:10:13,199
Will you stop being...?! Quick!
Switch back on again or he'll get the better of you.
133
00:10:13,366 --> 00:10:15,561
Go on!
134
00:10:15,726 --> 00:10:18,320
That's it! Good! Good!
135
00:10:18,486 --> 00:10:23,082
Good! Oh, quick! Look out!
Don't let him get that cobweb!
136
00:10:26,646 --> 00:10:32,357
Oh, no! Look what you've done!
Have you got your contact lenses in today or not?
137
00:10:39,886 --> 00:10:42,275
Do you mind if I make a suggestion?
138
00:10:42,446 --> 00:10:46,564
Take the lenses out, put the saucers in.
Then we might get somewhere.
139
00:10:46,766 --> 00:10:49,360
Don't you be so cheeky to me!
140
00:10:49,526 --> 00:10:53,565
I'm not so blind that I can't do simple tasks
about the house!
141
00:10:53,766 --> 00:10:58,999
Oh, really? I suppose that hedgehog just leapt
into the lawn mower for a haircut last time?
142
00:11:00,206 --> 00:11:05,280
I can see that I am not wanted
in any respect whatsoever in this house!
143
00:11:05,486 --> 00:11:10,082
- Do stop being so truculent!
- I'm going out now. Going out of this house.
144
00:11:10,246 --> 00:11:14,524
And I may not bother ever coming back again!
Goodbye, Doreen!
145
00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:26,237
That's the downstairs toilet
he's walked into there.
146
00:11:26,406 --> 00:11:28,795
He's never got it right yet.
147
00:11:37,046 --> 00:11:41,085
So, I'll give you a ring, shall I, sometime or other?
148
00:11:41,286 --> 00:11:43,880
Yes, yes, right. Thanks.
149
00:11:44,046 --> 00:11:48,358
- There we go.
- I really enjoyed today.
150
00:11:48,566 --> 00:11:50,955
So did I. So did I.
151
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,435
All right, then, Harold?
152
00:11:56,486 --> 00:11:58,875
See you...soon. OK?
153
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:03,083
- Bye.
- Bye. Bye.
154
00:12:15,486 --> 00:12:17,875
(SNORING)
155
00:12:19,846 --> 00:12:24,442
There we are then, Victor.
That's lovely. You've been a great help.
156
00:12:24,606 --> 00:12:29,361
Erm, listen, how are you fixed on Friday
to do another little job for me?
157
00:12:29,566 --> 00:12:31,921
Erm...Friday?
158
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,515
(DOOR CLOSES)
159
00:12:35,646 --> 00:12:38,035
I'm back!
160
00:12:38,846 --> 00:12:44,842
- How's it looking? Is he finished?
- Erm, well, no. He hasn't exactly finished, no.
161
00:12:45,846 --> 00:12:48,201
Why not? Where is he?
162
00:12:48,406 --> 00:12:50,795
He's upstairs.
163
00:12:50,966 --> 00:12:53,161
He's um...
164
00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:56,755
..asleep.
165
00:12:56,926 --> 00:13:00,965
- Is this some sort of joke?
- I didn't like to wake him up.
166
00:13:01,166 --> 00:13:04,044
He might have turned nasty or anything.
167
00:13:37,046 --> 00:13:39,685
He's gone to bed now.
168
00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:42,241
- What?
- He's gone to bed up there.
169
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:47,440
- What do you mean?
- I mean he's creosoting a rhinoceros (!)
170
00:13:48,606 --> 00:13:51,484
What do you think I mean? He's gone to bed.
171
00:13:51,646 --> 00:13:54,604
He's lying up there in our bed, fast asleep!
172
00:13:54,806 --> 00:13:57,400
I don't believe you.
173
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:09,035
(SNORING)
174
00:14:15,446 --> 00:14:19,155
- Right. Do I lie?
- What are we going to do?
175
00:14:21,246 --> 00:14:23,840
Get hold of the Yellow Pages.
176
00:14:31,646 --> 00:14:37,243
- What am I looking up?
- Look in S for ''smart lawyers'' and get me one!
177
00:14:37,446 --> 00:14:41,837
I'm about to commit first-degree murder
with a six-foot rubber banana!
178
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,999
- Victor, put it down!
- Wakey-wakey, rise and shine!
179
00:14:46,166 --> 00:14:51,445
- Oh, my God! Where am I?
- In your worst bloody nightmare! Out of my bed!
180
00:14:51,646 --> 00:14:55,639
- Oh, sorry! I must have nodded off.
- Didn't even take his shoes off!
181
00:14:55,806 --> 00:14:58,400
I felt a bit tired. I thought I was at home.
182
00:14:58,566 --> 00:15:02,354
- I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
- Nothing to worry about.
183
00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:07,122
Nothing to worry about?! Come back again
and we'll read you a bedtime story (!)
184
00:15:07,286 --> 00:15:09,880
Get out of my house! Get out!
185
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:18,439
Don't they make these things
to stay up any more?
186
00:16:00,766 --> 00:16:04,964
I see Mrs Althorp's got a man
up her pole this morning.
187
00:16:05,126 --> 00:16:09,677
If they can fix their telephone, why not ours?
Who are they from?
188
00:16:09,846 --> 00:16:15,239
From Mr Wharton, from his greenhouse. They
were on the front doorstep. Very nice thought.
189
00:16:15,406 --> 00:16:20,196
Margaret, can't you see what's going on here?
You don't want to be naive all your life.
190
00:16:20,406 --> 00:16:24,001
- What?
- He just wants to show off, doesn't he?
191
00:16:24,166 --> 00:16:26,760
What a wonderful gardener he is and I'm not.
192
00:16:27,766 --> 00:16:31,759
There will be bunches of prize parsnips next,
you'll see.
193
00:16:31,926 --> 00:16:35,919
Slices of champion tomato
posted through the letter box.
194
00:16:36,086 --> 00:16:38,884
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
195
00:16:39,886 --> 00:16:42,275
Hello? Hello!
196
00:16:43,046 --> 00:16:45,037
Hello!
197
00:16:45,206 --> 00:16:48,278
- Right. That's it.
- Where are you going?
198
00:16:48,486 --> 00:16:52,877
To try to get through
to someone helpful at British Telecom!
199
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:59,519
I'm sorry. I seem to be uttering the demented
gibberings of a madman. I'll phone anyway.
200
00:17:01,046 --> 00:17:03,640
(DOOR SLAMS)
201
00:17:12,446 --> 00:17:14,835
(DOOR SLAMS)
202
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:23,034
They say they're going to try
to send someone later today.
203
00:17:23,206 --> 00:17:26,642
They think it's a fault between here
and the next junction box.
204
00:17:26,806 --> 00:17:31,561
There's only one engineer on,
so God alone knows what time he'll get here!
205
00:17:31,726 --> 00:17:34,923
- I'm going out for the day.
- What?
206
00:17:35,126 --> 00:17:39,756
Well, you won't be here, will you?
You'll be out again - at your girlfriend's.
207
00:17:39,966 --> 00:17:42,526
- What?
- The one with the naked breasts!
208
00:17:42,726 --> 00:17:46,924
I don't think I've got any naked men
to keep ME company!
209
00:17:48,846 --> 00:17:51,235
No. Fresh out, I'm afraid.
210
00:17:51,406 --> 00:17:56,196
So I'm just going to have a day out.
Harold's coming round at 12.
211
00:17:56,366 --> 00:18:01,156
She only wanted someone to pose for her,
Margaret. That's all it is.
212
00:18:01,326 --> 00:18:06,320
Something special she was working on and
she said she desperately needed a man's body.
213
00:18:11,246 --> 00:18:16,081
So independent, that's the real trouble.
You just can't reason with him.
214
00:18:16,286 --> 00:18:18,277
Yes.
215
00:18:19,846 --> 00:18:22,519
Mrs Mauleverer, I was just...
216
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:25,763
- Erm, Doreen, please.
- Doreen.
217
00:18:25,966 --> 00:18:28,355
Yes. A thought just occurred to me.
218
00:18:28,526 --> 00:18:32,360
- This sketch for your painting of...
- The crucifixion of St Peter.
219
00:18:32,566 --> 00:18:34,557
Yes.
220
00:18:34,726 --> 00:18:39,322
I was just wondering what would happen
if I just stand on the floor
221
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:42,125
and you turn the painting upside down
afterwards.
222
00:18:43,446 --> 00:18:46,518
It doesn't quite work like that, I'm afraid.
223
00:18:46,686 --> 00:18:50,281
The muscle tensions would be entirely different.
224
00:18:50,486 --> 00:18:53,398
Er, yes. Just a thought.
225
00:18:55,446 --> 00:18:59,997
- Where are you off to?
- Going upstairs to get my gas mask.
226
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:03,596
- Whatever for?
- Oh, sorry. I forgot.
227
00:19:03,766 --> 00:19:07,554
I thought you were
bringing somebody in to exterminate me.
228
00:19:07,766 --> 00:19:10,758
I thought I was nothing but a household pest.
229
00:19:12,046 --> 00:19:14,640
I could have done this, you know.
230
00:19:15,646 --> 00:19:18,035
I could have done this standing on my head.
231
00:19:19,046 --> 00:19:22,163
I am not entirely decrepit.
232
00:19:22,366 --> 00:19:26,245
Yes, well, I don't think we'll risk it
with your ventricles, shall we, Father?
233
00:19:26,446 --> 00:19:29,438
I'm going to get my gas mask!
234
00:19:32,846 --> 00:19:36,839
- He's getting better.
- Oh, good.
235
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:53,522
Harold, do you think
you're ever too old to be unfaithful to someone?
236
00:19:53,686 --> 00:19:58,919
- I beg your pardon, Margaret?
- I mean, at our age. Do you?
237
00:20:00,046 --> 00:20:03,277
Oh, dear. You're making me shake like a jelly.
238
00:20:04,086 --> 00:20:07,078
You've been a great comfort to me lately, Harold.
239
00:20:07,286 --> 00:20:09,675
And I'm very, very grateful.
240
00:20:10,846 --> 00:20:13,235
This is just so...
241
00:20:13,406 --> 00:20:16,398
I shouldn't really bore you with all this, but...
242
00:20:17,446 --> 00:20:22,440
I was getting one of his jackets out this morning
to send to the cleaner's
243
00:20:23,446 --> 00:20:28,759
and I found, in his inside pocket,
what I can only describe as...
244
00:20:30,046 --> 00:20:33,641
- ..an empty packet.
- My goodness.
245
00:20:33,806 --> 00:20:36,195
- Is that...?
- Yes.
246
00:20:36,406 --> 00:20:38,795
- One of those...?
- Yes.
247
00:20:38,966 --> 00:20:41,275
Oh, Margaret.
248
00:20:43,846 --> 00:20:48,476
- Margaret, I'm going to say something now...
- Shall we go inside?
249
00:20:48,686 --> 00:20:52,838
- What?
- Victor won't be back. Warm ourselves up.
250
00:20:53,046 --> 00:20:57,437
- Well...
- If you don't mind the bed being a squeeze.
251
00:21:09,446 --> 00:21:12,643
You're really sure you want to...you know?
252
00:21:12,806 --> 00:21:17,402
- I'm sure I want to you know what?
- Oh, good. So am I as well.
253
00:21:18,646 --> 00:21:22,639
Well, you just go in, Harold. I won't be a second.
254
00:22:29,726 --> 00:22:31,523
Oh...
255
00:22:41,046 --> 00:22:42,843
Oh!
256
00:22:49,646 --> 00:22:51,637
Ah...Aah!
257
00:22:51,806 --> 00:22:54,195
Ah! Oh, my God!
258
00:22:59,046 --> 00:23:02,038
Oh, God. Oh.
259
00:23:03,046 --> 00:23:07,961
- What the hell are you doing?!
- Oh, my God! Mr Meldrew!
260
00:23:09,406 --> 00:23:13,604
Harold! What are you doing?
Whatever are you doing?
261
00:23:13,766 --> 00:23:16,564
I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry.
262
00:23:16,726 --> 00:23:21,436
Oh, God, Margaret. Please, I thought...
Oh, dear! What am I doing?
263
00:23:21,606 --> 00:23:25,394
What in the name of sanity is going on here
just lately?
264
00:23:25,566 --> 00:23:30,560
Is there anyone else wants to come and sleep
in my bed? It's open house. We accept everyone.
265
00:23:30,726 --> 00:23:34,719
All races, colours, creeds.
Everyone wants to kip here eventually.
266
00:23:34,886 --> 00:23:37,275
Carpet layers, Boris Yeltsin...
267
00:23:37,446 --> 00:23:41,439
Speak, speak!
Victor Meldrew's Public Dosshouse Limited.
268
00:23:41,606 --> 00:23:45,997
Yes, we're taking bookings
through to the end of April '92.
269
00:23:46,166 --> 00:23:50,159
- How many pillows would you be requiring?
- I think you'd better go.
270
00:23:50,326 --> 00:23:56,117
- You and I'd better have a little talk sometime.
- No, but we do have a last-minute cancellation.
271
00:23:56,286 --> 00:24:00,757
Mahatma Gandhi is just leaving.
Does that suit you at all?
272
00:24:00,966 --> 00:24:03,355
I'm sorry, Margaret. I'm so sorry!
273
00:24:09,246 --> 00:24:14,798
God! I seem to remember
going through a mid-life crisis when I was 30.
274
00:24:15,006 --> 00:24:17,600
That means I must be about to die any second.
275
00:24:20,446 --> 00:24:22,835
You have no idea what that was about, have you?
276
00:24:23,006 --> 00:24:25,395
- No conception of any kind.
- What?
277
00:24:25,566 --> 00:24:27,955
Mr Wharton. Why did he get into that bed?
278
00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:33,957
- What are you talking about?
- He wasn't exhibiting prize parsnips, was he?
279
00:24:34,166 --> 00:24:38,239
Harold and I have been having an affair!
And he never even told me.
280
00:24:39,846 --> 00:24:43,395
Harold Wharton? You can't be serious!
281
00:24:43,606 --> 00:24:49,203
I wasn't, he was. Evidently. And you're in
no position... What's the matter with your back?
282
00:24:49,406 --> 00:24:52,079
- I put it out.
- Oh, yes?
283
00:24:52,246 --> 00:24:56,637
At Doreen's.
I should have known I wasn't up to it.
284
00:24:58,446 --> 00:25:03,236
I should never have let her talk me into it.
In that position for two hours!
285
00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:07,082
I'm lucky I can still walk.
286
00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:14,001
You have absolutely no shame, have you?
287
00:25:14,206 --> 00:25:16,640
- What?
- No shame of any kind.
288
00:25:16,846 --> 00:25:22,000
- What are you talking about?
- I found it, Victor. In your pocket.
289
00:25:23,566 --> 00:25:27,002
- The empty packet.
- Empty packet of what?
290
00:25:27,206 --> 00:25:30,278
Empty packet of nothing - because it was empty.
291
00:25:31,286 --> 00:25:33,641
Well, what was in it before it was empty?
292
00:25:33,846 --> 00:25:36,838
Something. You know what was in it!
293
00:25:37,046 --> 00:25:42,040
I don't know! What is this? ''20 Questions''?
Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?
294
00:25:42,206 --> 00:25:46,040
- Would I use this in the garden?
- I wouldn't put that past you!
295
00:25:46,246 --> 00:25:51,240
- Just tell me what the hell...
- Contraceptives! Do I have to spell it out?
296
00:25:54,446 --> 00:25:57,643
Oh, yes! That was disgusting, wasn't it?
297
00:25:57,806 --> 00:26:01,799
Do you know where I found it?
Underneath the rhubarb!
298
00:26:01,966 --> 00:26:05,641
It boggles the mind how it gets there sometimes,
doesn't it?
299
00:26:06,846 --> 00:26:09,076
Oh...really?
300
00:26:09,246 --> 00:26:11,635
That's where it came from, is it?
301
00:26:11,846 --> 00:26:16,840
Why else do you think it was in my pocket? Oh!
I've got to go up and lie on some floorboards.
302
00:26:17,006 --> 00:26:21,796
I've been posing like a simpleton for some
stupid picture for two hours in extreme agony!
303
00:26:21,966 --> 00:26:26,562
If I don't lie down, my spine will wither
and droop like that rubber banana!
304
00:26:26,726 --> 00:26:29,115
Can we talk in the morning, please?
305
00:26:38,646 --> 00:26:40,443
Oh.
306
00:26:50,246 --> 00:26:52,635
Take your dressing gown off.
307
00:26:56,446 --> 00:26:59,438
- Have I got worse, Margaret?
- What?
308
00:26:59,606 --> 00:27:02,200
As I've got older. I suppose I must have done.
309
00:27:02,366 --> 00:27:06,962
After 35 years, something
must have snapped along the line. Oh!
310
00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,720
Surely I wasn't like this when we got married.
311
00:27:09,886 --> 00:27:12,480
Hold still or I can't squirt it.
312
00:27:15,246 --> 00:27:18,636
I'm not going to stick with that job.
I know that now.
313
00:27:18,806 --> 00:27:22,799
Looking at her old man,
it's too much like looking in a mirror.
314
00:27:22,966 --> 00:27:27,357
I don't know how she stands it.
Going through that every week.
315
00:27:27,526 --> 00:27:30,120
Goblin vacuum cleaners at 20 paces.
316
00:27:31,446 --> 00:27:35,644
What are you on about?
Let me just do the bottom bit.
317
00:27:35,806 --> 00:27:37,603
Oh!
318
00:27:37,766 --> 00:27:42,556
I suppose this is what it's all about, really.
Isn't it? When it comes to it. Marriage.
319
00:27:42,726 --> 00:27:47,516
Reaching 60 and spraying each other
with Ralgex.
320
00:27:51,446 --> 00:27:54,199
Come here, you silly old fool.
321
00:28:06,246 --> 00:28:11,639
What the bloody hell do you think
you're looking at?! What is this - an aquarium?!
322
00:28:11,806 --> 00:28:14,195
What sort of time do you call this, anyway?
323
00:28:14,366 --> 00:28:19,360
Ten bloody days ago you were to come
and do this! Ten days ago to fix this phone!
324
00:28:19,526 --> 00:28:21,915
It's like a constipated gerbil!
325
00:28:22,086 --> 00:28:27,080
Every time you pick it up
you can't hear a bloody thing!
326
00:28:27,286 --> 00:28:30,596
# They say I might as well face the truth
327
00:28:30,806 --> 00:28:33,684
# That I am just too long in the tooth
328
00:28:33,886 --> 00:28:37,083
# I've started to deteriorate
329
00:28:37,286 --> 00:28:40,676
# And now I've passed my own sell-by date
330
00:28:40,886 --> 00:28:44,515
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
331
00:28:44,726 --> 00:28:48,002
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
332
00:28:48,206 --> 00:28:51,198
# And my old knees have started to knock
333
00:28:51,366 --> 00:28:55,359
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
334
00:28:55,566 --> 00:28:58,603
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
335
00:28:58,806 --> 00:29:02,515
# It's true that my body has seen better days
336
00:29:02,726 --> 00:29:05,559
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
337
00:29:05,766 --> 00:29:08,963
# One foot in the grave
338
00:29:09,126 --> 00:29:11,924
# One foot in the grave
339
00:29:12,926 --> 00:29:15,724
# One foot in the grave #
340
00:29:16,724 --> 00:29:26,724
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