All language subtitles for Mr Mayor s01e01 Pilot.eng

[dramatic music]

♪

- Good morning, sir.
- Morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Mayor.
- Hello. [chuckles]

- Good to see you, mayor.
- Morning.

Good morning.
Morning.

- Morning.

- You do realize
I'm lost, right?

- Oh, uh, it's this way, sir.
- Morning.

- Sir, I know you said no
to the teleprompter,

but just remember
to emphasize job creation,

and please don't try
to speak Spanish again.

- It's not my fault
peromeans "dog" and "but."

That's just goofy.

- You might wanna let me
hold your watch, sir.

An Audemars Piguet
might be perceived as elitist.

- When exactly did elite
become a bad word, Tommy?

- 2001, Perry Ellis
introduces Elite cologne.

Base notes of tonka bean
and oakmoss--who is that for?

- Ah.
- Excuse me, Mr. Bremer?

Hi, I'm Jayden Kwapis, Interim
Director of Communications.

- You're hand's very...
warm, Jayden.

- Yes, I was holding
a French bread pizza.

- Okay.
- Are you ready, sir?

- What if I say no?
[polite laughter]

- Mr. Mayor!
Mr. Mayor!

[overlapping chatter]

- Can you believe this?

[upbeat music]

♪

Well, hey, I never thought
I'd be standing here.

And I know you didn't, Rick.

- [forced laughter]

- I'm not a politician.

This time last year,
I was happily retired,

putting, exercising, and never
using my outdoor kitchen.

I was quarantining
before it was cool.

- Heigh-ho!
[chuckles]

Uh, too soon, maybe.

- But I love this city.

Like so many Angelenos,

I chose LA as my home.

In 1976, I followed
a girlfriend out here.

Classic California story.

She wanted to be an actress,
but hey, she didn't make it.

She was killed
by the Night Stalker.

But in my attempts to find her,

I stumbled into the
outdoor advertising business.

Billboards.

For 20 years, I gave you
something to dream about

while you were stuck
on La Brea.

Scientology, Angeline,

for your consideration,
"Nurse Jackie."

[aggressive applause]

[applause fades]

But now, I'm unretired

because my city needed me.

We're all grateful
to former Mayor Delgado.

He served this city valiantly
through an unprecedented time.

- The lightning strikes
may have caused the earthquake,

which has shut down
a number of testing centers.

Now, we learned overnight
that the app we've been using

for distance learning
is malware

and might be filming your kids
on the toilet--

- Sir, we just found out that
the murder hornets are back,

and it turns out,
they are not hornets.

They are tiny
North Korean fighter jets.

- I'm out!

2020, you broke me!

- Y'all know the rest.
Delgado retired,

Dolly Parton
bought everyone the vaccine,

they called a special election,
and I jumped in.

You wanna know why I jumped in?

Because that day,
the mayor quit.

And he was later found climbing
one of my billboards.

Remember that?
Yeah.

And the billboard said,

"Bremer: Available Now."

And you know what?

I thought to myself,
"That sign is a sign."

All right, questions.
Anyone?

[overlapping chatter]
Over here. Yeah?

- When will you be
making appointments?

You haven't named
a single deputy mayor.

- And I don't want any.

Like my daughter used to say
about wiping her tushy,

"No!
Me do it."

No deputy mayors.

Look, I know that this city
has big, big issues facing it.

That's why today, I wanna start
with something small

we can all agree on.

I wanna ban something...

that sucks.

Guess what it is?

- Oh, my God,
I can't believe he won.

I can't believe I did this.

- Is it bigger than a doll?

- Biracial Twitter's
gonna come for me.

- What are you talking about?

- I made that old, white man
seem cogent and cool.

I got him to advertise
in dispensaries.

I got his cardboard cutout
seated next to Kendall Jenner

at the NBA Finals.

I got him that toy phone, and
told him he was tweeting on it.

- Okay, is this
an anxiety attack,

or are you just bragging?
- It's both!

Because of me,
he won 68% of the vote.

- He won 68% of the 8%
of people who voted,

which, by the way,
never tell him.

What matters is that he's in!
- But he's not qualified.

He thinks Santa Monica
is part of Los Angeles.

- So he's not perfect.
- Perfect?

Tommy, that toy phone
makes farm animal sounds.

- Remember, election
is not marriage.

You're not trying
to find "the one."

It's like dating.
It's not going to be perfect.

Or fun, or good, or fulfilling,

but you do it so your mom
can brag at church.

- Okay, I took this job

as a short,
high-paying PR challenge.

Now, we won, and I'm
supposed to just, what?

Work for the city?

That's not content
my followers wanna see.

- Well, bail if you want to.

I am excited about being
a part of this administration.

- Really, you're telling me
you're all-in?

On this guy?
- No.

I'm very open to the idea
of a robot police force.

Thank you for reminding me.

- I think he's a charismatic,
open-minded independent.

So if you can't get on board,

then you should get the hell
out of my bed.

- Ew, "West Wing," have a seat.
I haven't decided yet.

But if I do stay,

we have to figure out a plan
for that guy.

- Who?
Jayden?

He's a holdover.
We can fire him.

- That's gonna change with my administration.

Yeah, anyone else? Anybody?

- Or do we keep him?

Whenever it's time
to throw someone under a bus,

he could be our bus meat.

- Everyone who works
for this great city

is essential and productive.
- [grunts]

- That's all I ask of my team.

And it's the very least
that the people of Los Angeles

should expect
from this office.

Come on.
- He really is something.

I'll make sure
his desk is near ours.

Phone, remind me to...

- Topple the patriarchy!

[cheers and applause]

Believe me, no one here
is more disappointed

in the outcome of our recent
mayoral election than me.

- Than I!

- When I am elected
sophomore class president,

I will ban all plastic straws
from school property,

not just because they choke
sea turtles and jellyfish--

- In Latin, cnidaria.
- Cnidaria.

But because drinking
through a straw

is a phallic lie.

Girls have mouths, and
it's time for us to use them!

[cheers and applause]

- In ora puellae!
Thank you, Orly.

Now, as a transitional device,

I will play a brief phrase
on my alto recorder.

[gentle music]

♪

[whispers]
Wonderful.

Our next student council
nominee,

please welcome Veda Chung
von Medici-Ito Simmons.

[cheers and applause]

- Um, before I begin,
I just received,

like, a bonkers news alert
on my phone.

- Veda, statements go down
at the end.

"A bonkers news alert
on my phone-uh."

- Orly's idea may not be
as progressive

as she wants us to think
because the literal mayor

literally just said

that he's doing
a citywide plastic straw ban.

- What?
- See for yourself.

- Less waste
for local businesses.

And it's the right thing to do
for our turtle friends.

It's a no-brainer.
Yeah?

- But how will we drink
iced coffee?

- Make popsicles.

- How will people do cocaine?
- Don't do cocaine.

You'll go broke,
and you'll get the runs.

God bless you!
And God bless Los Angeles!

[overlapping chatter]
- Oh!

My God, Daddy!
How could you do this?

The straw ban is my thing!
- Because...

Because I care about things
that you care--

Remember, I cared about
Pokémon when you loved Pokémon.

- Dad, how could you
do this to me?

I mean, everything thinks
I copied your straw ban idea.

You have to take yours back.
- I can't do that.

- Do you know what Veda said?
- Who's Veda?

- She said that the straw ban
was exactly the kind

of frivolous thing
she would expect

from a rich,
white man's daughter.

- Okay.
- She called us rich!

- No, I'm rich.
You're my plus-one.

Look, you tell Veda that
I was born in a walk-up

in Crown Heights.
- [groans]

- I slept in one bed
with both my grandfathers.

And one of them had something
called erotic dementia.

- I hate that story,
and I hate that you're mayor.

And I hate that we had to move

into this gross,
old mayor house!

- You think I like this house?

I can't figure out the AC.

All my cigars are going bad.

[glass shatters]

Oh!
My watches.

.

- Hey, turn on the TV...

Jeez, you guys look nice.

A couple
of ventriloquist dummies.

Anyway, there's this thing
on TV.

I just thought
you should check it out.

It seems urgent.

- And I wanna say that
this plastic straw ban

is an affront
to our entire community.

And I will never allow it.
- What?

Who is this?
I hate her haircut.

- That's Arpi Meskimen,
District 13 Councilwoman.

She represents East Hollywood,
Little Bangladesh,

and the Hollywood
Forever Cemetery.

But she's super liberal.

Why would she be
against the straw ban?

- A ban on bendable
plastic straws

is blatant discrimination
against quadriplegics

or any Angeleno with
limited use of their hands.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- They call themselves
quaddies, or chairdogs.

- No, we don't.

- Oh!
I'm sorry.

My nephew must have
been pranking me.

Mayor Bremer,

memorize this face.

Zoom in on me.

Fine.
I'll come to you.

I've got your number, Bremer.

Like underwear bought
in a drugstore,

you're not gonna last
two months.

- Oh, this is not good, guys.

- Yeah, someone needs
to tell the mayor.

- Yes, Jayden,
and when you do that,

emphasize how bad
the optics are.

It's day one,
and this straw thing

is not the hill
you wanna die on, okay?

- Wait, me go tell him?
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm on it!

I'll see you guys at the party.
[giggles]

Hey, but not
if you see me first.

- Ah.
- [forced laughter]

- [cackles]
All right.

- Orly, come on, honey.

Look, I know you thought
it was a bathroom

when you ran in there,
but it's okay to admit

that it's an empty closet.

Orly?
- Hey, buddies!

- Excuse me?
- Sorry, I was gonna say buddy,

and then, I realized
that was not okay.

And then, my brain was like,
"Pluralize it?"

And then, I was like,
"No, that's insane."

- Look, which one are you?
- I'm Jayden Kwapis.

Very warm hand.

- Aren't you a little old
for the name Jayden?

- Thank you for noticing.

I'm actually one of the oldest
Jaydens you'll ever meet.

Born in 1981, I like to think
I might be the original Jayden.

[chuckles]
It's sort of a combination.

I'm named after my father,
Jaime,

and his best friend, Dennis.

- Yeah, Orly,
your phone's out here,

so I know you're gonna cave
eventually.

- Stop controlling
my narrative!

- Okay, Councilwoman Meskimen
has the disabled community

pretty fired up
over the straw ban.

- I hadn't thought of that.
All right, all right.

All right, uh, I will
personally donate steel straws

to anyone who needs one, okay?
- Great.

- Sweetheart, look.
Look, look, honey.

- Who is this guy?

And why is he wearing
flip-flops with a suit?

- They're prescription.

I have podiatric
claustrophobia.

- Okay, Kwapis, look,
just have somebody

from the Environmental Council
say how good the straw ban is.

- Yeah, it turns out
those folks are upset too

because choking
on plastic straws

is an unofficial cost-free way

to control
the coyote population.

Without the straws,
they think we're in trouble.

Coyote-wise.

- You have to cancel
this stupid straw ban.

- Your wife makes
a great point, sir.

- She's my teenage daughter,
Kwapis.

- I'm so sorry.
It is very confusing in LA.

all: [chanting]
Let us suck!

Let us suck! Let us suck!
- Oh, boy.

all: Let us suck!

- [polite laughter]
Look at that sign.

That's great.
Okay, okay.

All right.
All right, all right.

Hey, buddies!
[crowd booing]

Boo?

Boo you!

How do you like that, huh?
Boo!

- I think you handled that
perfectly, sir.

- I don't like being told
I'm problematic, Tommy.

- Yeah, well, nobody does,

but cancellation
comes for us all.

Mine was a joke tweet about

how I wanted Drake
to murder my vagina.

- I avoided all the mines
in the mine field,

and I'm still
getting crucified.

Am I allowed to say crucified?
- Of course.

It was a different time
one second ago.

- Uh, Arpi Meskimen
is doubling down.

She's now calling
for the removal

of certain
"offensive city landmarks."

- Yeah, let me guess, there's
a Reagan statue somewhere.

- Close--
- Bob's Big Boy.

It whitewashes the labor force
and gives me sexual nightmares.

- You got a lot of issues
for day one, Councilwoman.

- And I can keep them coming,
Mr. Mayor.

I wanna see your water bill
during the 2017 drought.

Charter schools, yay or nay?

Did you post the black square
on Instagram?

Either way, how dare you.

- What's your beef with me,
Arpi?

- No beef.

I'm a vegan.

I just think there were
better choices on the ballot.

- Really?
Who?

The libertarian porn star,
or Gary Coleman's ghost?

- I'll have you know
I watched Ms. Bazonga's films,

and she seems like
a real hard worker

who knows how to multitask.

I wish I could say the same
about you.

- [forced laughter]
Come on, Arpi.

We can find
some common ground here.

We're both the same age.

- I am 10 years younger
than you.

But I'm still perceived
as a kooky, old woman,

and you're still
a sexually viable man.

- Thank you.

All right, here's something
we have in common.

We both got into this
to serve the city.

- I've been serving the city
for 30 years.

You were floating in your pool
full of champagne in Bel Air.

- That would ruin the grout.
- And you saw a sign.

A magical sign that
you were chosen to lead.

- That's not fair.

You wanna know the real reason
I ran for mayor?

- I would love to.
- I did it for Orly.

- The airport in France?

- No, my daughter.

Who was conceived
at the airport in France.

- Mayor Delgado's now believed
to be in the back of this taxi

and has requested the driver
to quote,

"Drive him into the ocean."

- No, that's not laundry.
That's my dad.

No, he doesn't work.
Not even on Zoom.

No, he wasn't Me Too-ed.

No, the salad dressing guy
was Paul Newman.

I don't know.
Nothing?

I love you, Dad!

I'll help you
turn off the TV later.

- Looks like Los Angeles
is going to need a new mayor.

[uplifting music]

- She thinks
I'm a useless, old man.

Does that make you feel better?

And I get it.
Never seen me work.

Her mother died
eight years ago,

and when that happened, I
decided to cash out and retire.

I wanted to be around Orly
as much as possible.

- This is getting intense.
- I know.

I forgot we were even here.

- But now, I have a chance
to prove to her--

to--to myself
that I'm not done.

Not yet.

- You ran for mayor
to impress your daughter?

What a fun present for a child.
She must be over the moon.

- Yeah, actually,
she's furious with me.

- Boy, you really don't know
what you're doing.

Not just at work,
but at home.

- Excuse me, but I ran
a billion-dollar company.

I do know a few things.

- You need to learn
how to listen, Whitey.

- Whitey?
- Your hair.

When my constituents
come to me pissed off,

they don't wanna hear
that they're wrong,

or have me explain that
my intentions were good.

They just wanna be heard.

So what do I do?
I listen.

And I say, "Thank you
for telling me that."

That's what you should do
with little Heathrow.

- All right, you messed that up
on purpose.

We're done here.
- Are you ready, Mr. Mayor?

The children's choir's
getting pretty deep

into the Red Hot Chili Pepper's
catalog.

Oh, hi, you must be
Mrs. Bremer.

- You just saw her on TV--
- He wishes!

- She's scary.

.

- You missed a great party
last night.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know, Orly,

the first time I went
into a bank to get a loan

for my business,
they turned me away.

And you know what I did?
- You grew a mustache.

- I grew a mustache.

Got shoes and a shirt.

- Were you naked
the first time?

- No, I was wearing
jean shorts.

It was the '70s.

The point is,
I kept going back in there

until I was wearing a suit,
and they gave me that loan.

If you believe
in something,

don't give up,
don't take no for an answer.

Except for with sex.
Now, that's different.

We'll sidebar that.

However, my advisors
have convinced me

to drop the straw ban,

and I hope that
makes things easier for you.

- Do whatever you want.

After yesterday,
I'm not gonna win,

so I'm dropping out
of the race.

- Thank you
for telling me that.

- I mean, like, Veda
was gonna win anyway.

She's better than me
at everything,

so I just feel stupid now,
and I give up.

- Thank you
for telling me that.

- Is that all you're gonna say?

- Thank you
for telling me that.

- Um, okay.

Bye.

[light music]

♪

- So did you tell your dad
you're quitting?

- Who said I'm quitting?

[elevator dings]

- I found my house!

[chuckles]
- Good for you.

- How are you doing today,
Mr. Mayor?

- I've been better, Jayden.

- When?
I would love to see that.

Were you on a motorcycle?
- What do you need?

- Well, Arpi Meskimen
is pretty worked up

about the whole
coyote population explosion,

but not in the way
you might think.

She thinks that the word coyote
is "cultural appropriation,"

and that we should be
calling them "mini wolves."

She also thinks we should pay
for their birth control,

so you're gonna get asked
about that.

- We're backing down
from the straw ban,

so why is Meskimen
still attacking me?

Never feed a dog
from the table.

They just keep
coming back for more.

- That is why I only feed
my turtle from my own mouth.

- Sit down.
- Oh, okay.

- You know, that wasn't me
yesterday.

When you give something, you
should get something in return.

And Arpi knows that.

She's been in government
for 30 years.

- Yeah.
- So what is she up to?

- Gosh, what is she up to?
Right?

[sighs]
You know, my mom always said

that when people keep
punching you and punching you,

it's because they're jealous
of your homemade pants.

- Arpi beat me because
I don't even know

what game we're playing.

- Pfft! She didn't beat you.
She just tied you.

It's one-one now.

You know, because she tried
to run for mayor,

but you won mayor.

- What do you mean she tried?

- Before this, I used to work
at the Board of Elections.

She didn't have
enough signatures

to get on the ballot.
She was pretty furious.

And before that,
I worked at a Jamba Juice,

and people got mad there too.

- She wants to be mayor.
- Great news, sir.

I did a deep dive
on Arpi Meskimen,

and it turns out, she--

- Wanted to be mayor,
but couldn't get on the ballot.

Jayden already told me.
Try to keep up with him.

This is good.

Now I know what
I'm dealing with.

We're banning plastic straws.
- But Meskimen--

- We'll give her something
she wants even more.

[uplifting music]

- What?

- He's gonna let her be mayor.
Try and keep up.

both:
Good morning.

- I came up here
planning to quit.

- Regarding yesterday's
policy announcement--

- But looking into the faces
of people I respect

and seeing the look
in his eyes--their eyes,

a lot of different eyes.
Anyways, I realized--

- Nothing I do is
gonna please everyone.

And I'm not here
to please people.

- I do what I think is right.

both:
The straw ban stands.

- And if you don't like it,

you can suck it.

And not through a straw.

I look forward to being
your sophomore class president.

[cheers and applause]
[microphone feedback]

- However, I also know
that it's my job

to listen to all the voices
in this great city,

so I'm pleased to announce that
I've appointed one deputy mayor

in charge of public outreach,
opposition research,

and mini wolf
reproductive services.

You may now direct
your questions

to Deputy Mayor Arpi Meskimen.

[applause]

- Thank you, Mayor Bremer.
[chuckles bashfully]

I hereby resign my seat
on the City Council

in order
to accept this position.

And I think it is admirable
of the mayor

to surround himself with people
who dislike him so very much.

Before I take your questions,

I really want you to think
about if your question is dumb.

all: Ms. Meskimen!
Ms. Meskimen!

- Yes, glasses, go.
- I don't get it.

Why would Meskimen give up
a seat on the council

to work under Neil?

- Because she thinks
he'll implode,

and then she'll be mayor,

but he's not planning
on giving her that chance.

- He used her own ambition
against her.

Pretty smart.

All right.
I'll give this a try.

Because of my love of the city.

- You just found out
we get full health insurance?

- Yeah, I can finally break up
with that gross doctor.

- Are we going forward
with the straw ban?

Yes.

The mayor stands by his offer

to provide angled, steel straws
to those who need them.

For all other parties,
the city will provide

a free educational video

demonstrating how
to tilt fluid out of a cup

and suck it in with your mouth.

You will find it at
LAtiltandsuck.org/mouth.

Next dumb question.

[doorknob clicks]
[door closes]

- So I saw
your press conference.

- Look, honey, I'm sorry
if it makes your life harder.

I really am, but--

- You don't give up.
I get it.

Also, I have to be at school
early tomorrow.

'Cause I'm kind of
class president, so...

- [chuckles]

Thank you
for telling me that.

- I've got homework.

Love you.
- Love you.

[hopeful music]

[chuckles]

♪

Wait.

We're hosting the Olympics?

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!

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