All language subtitles for if i were a boy 2017-en

My name is Jeanne Clairé.

I'm 38 years old,

have two wonderful kids

and of course the right father.

He is a dentist
and beautiful as a god.

Like all couples, we sometimes have problems
but in the end we always get along.

I thought a lot about ourselves.

The two-month separation
opened my eyes.

I was for years
not there for you anymore.

It was always just about the kids.

You have imagined it differently.

Finally I have
started with pelvic floor training.

I changed.
Marry me.

I've got to know someone.

- Huh?
- I've got to know someone.

You ... mean another woman?

- She is pregnant.
- What?

- pregnant by whom?
- It'll be a boy.

- How long has this been going on?
- From me.

- Something from me?
- No, from me.

- Ah, from you.
- Yes. I introduce her to the children.

- What?
- We take a lawyer.

- As usual.
- Anton.

I want the common custody.

- Pardon, I understand ...
- Jeanne.

- What does that mean?
- I have to go.

My name is Jeanne Clairé, I'm 38.

- My life is a nightmare.
- Mummy!

Luckily
I have my angels, Paul and Lau.

Cuddling!

Do I have too?
a second room and more toys?

Joint Custody?
I'd rather die.

We expect
Record temperatures for the festival.

France is flooded,
soon also Paris.

In the afternoon
heavy thunderstorms and storm.

Because of bad weather warning
All quays were closed.

Even as a kid
I was afraid of thunderstorms.

Do not worry, you will get
sole custody of all this.

This is Marcelle, my great neighbor.
She is not afraid of anything.

I tried a one-night stand.
I could still puke.

But nobody
forced you to get drunk.

You're in charge
not even alcohol-free beer.

What if I see him again?

Maybe
This Merlin loved the evening.

Your things.

Let yourself be pushed.
Do not forget, daddy picks you up.

I'm an architect.

I designed my dream school,
my biggest project.

- Please wait.
- Not the. Press the button.

"Building with positive energy",
good day?

Finally I can escape to my office.

- Jeanne.
- Hello.

You have to go to the construction site immediately.

- Is what?
- The boss is prevented.

You should do the acceptance.

You have to control the work,
and with ...

Monsieur ... Kracovik.

Come on. Do you have boots?

- Ah, Merlin!
- Oh ...

- I stop the elevator. Coffee?
- Many Thanks.

Kisses, my beauty.

I have to go.

Promised. See you.

- Let's have a drink.
- Gladly.

This is my one-night stand.

Bonjour, Jeanne.

Everything was great?

Married, colleague, womanizer.

It could not be worse.

Would you like to have a coffee?

Go on.

There are days
you better stay in bed.

Can we help you?

Did you get lost?

Nice to watch, wet and mushy!

Do you need boots?

Let's get started.

Good.

So I...

So these works ...

I mean, the installations
were not executed so professionally.

What's that mess?
Since you can swim while washing your hands.

But whatever,
goes well with the green concept.

Kracovik, is that so on every floor?

- Water...
- What? "Some water comes out"?

I take over the acceptance.
Drive back to the office.

No, the boss asked me ...

You speak again.
What's wrong with you?

It is ... I have ...

It's ... sorry.

One moment. Wait.

- Hello?
- Yes?

- Did your lawyer call you?
- No but...

What's this?

I'm sorry, I won.
We will share custody.

Our baby is coming!
The contractions started at five.

We are all, but happy.

You have to pick up the kids at four.

- I'm on a ...
- Ungelogen, look.

- Tell the kids.
- Wait, what about Christmas?

- We need to agree.
- I want to have her with me.

The baby is coming! Salut!

Jeanne, I do not want to disturb you, but
Kracovik is finished with the repair.

Are you doing the acceptance now?

- Jeanne. What...
- Leave me...

I have to pick up the kids,
are you going.

My name is Jeanne Clairé.
I'm done with men.

He certainly fucked the judge.

He tramples on me.

That's what all the guys do, it's just like that.
After all, you realize it.

Stop it, that's silly.

The lightning will not hit you.

My dad was right.
Without a tail you are nothing.

- Nothing at all.
- I cancel my sex date.

- You are afraid, I will stay.
- no.

- All good. I just need ... sleep.
- sleep?

Cuddling!

No no no!

Stay outside. Go to your room.

Leave me alone.

Are you alright, mom?

I, uh ...
That's the climate change, nothing else.

But now it's time to play. Thanks, children.

Very quiet. Everything will be fine.

"Paulo is here now.

He'll be a basketball player for sure. "

One two Three.

Is he here now?

- What? Who?
- Did he come out?

- What?
- Is he finally here?

- Who? What?
- The baby.

- My little brother.
- Ah ...

Yes, he is there.
It seems like a very big baby.

- Yes! Yes!
- Get some cornflakes.

Mom is coming soon.

School. You have to get dressed.

Get dressed for school.

He does not fit in

That never fits.

If he fits in there?
He looks out.

My sweeties,

I wish you nice days ...
with dad.

See you next week, okay?

Mom loves you.
Mom pushes you.

- Everything okay?
- Everything great.

Everything is wonderful.

Hello, Monsieur Massen,
It's me, Jeanne.

I can not come to work today.

No, not because of that.
I have a fat virus.

Maybe not fat,
but considerably.

I would say, Monday,
if everything goes right. The very latest.

Bye.

Mme Clairé, dr. Pace has
on Thursdays, no office hours.

It is really, very urgent.

Do not you want to tell me
what happened?

No no no.

I have a son, sign up.

You have to call me first.

Then I come down,
Take the rose, and you're done.

Jeanne? All right, Jeanne?

We'll see you, okay?

- Adam, Jeanne. Jeanne, Adam.
- Good day.

You're not feeling very well, are you?

- You're great, thanks.
- You also. Bye for now.

Maybe you would have
what to drink very strong?

In your condition?
Take vegetable juice instead.

A glass of wine will blow you over.

The cause of custody
makes you really ready.

You are a wreck.

Who pays you to walk around like this?

Honestly, this skirt is awful.

Marcelle.

- I think I have a penis.
- Oh really?

No, without fun.
I have a cock.

Nonsense.

- You want to see it?
- Yes, sure.

I know, disgusting, disgusting,
repulsive. I want to get rid of him.

Then take it off.

Are you crazy?

- What...
- It hurts like hell!

- What's this?
- Do I have to die?

- Get it off!
- But that does not work.

- Take this away!
- It does not work!

My mother.

- Crap.
- Be natural.

Of course, please!

- And then...
- Good evening.

- I did not do anything to him.
- No ...

- But.
- Hello.

How are you?

Get him in.

Stop smoking joints, girls.

We'll go out there
and discuss everything there, huh?

Come on. Come on.

Can I see him again?

Wow...

I just had him
not seen properly.

I was so surprised and scared.

- He is not like the others.
- So?

He is unique.

Simply unique.

Certainly not baroque,
but also not classic ...

What can I say?
A bit like Scandinavian furniture.

So clear lines and nice shiny.

I think he is heavenly.

Now he is not there anymore,
because of the cold.

If I imagine,
after a hot bath ... the madness.

- Jeanne. Do you think he works?
- Be quiet.

That's so blatant.

The head of a woman
with male gender.

What you could do.
I envy you.

I would be dead.

Which woman
do not want to know how that is?

- I renounce.
- You are mutation and superheroine.

Such a kind of crossing with one
two-sex kind. That is there.

Oh yeah,
there are the oysters and the snails.

This is our food:
Antibiotics, pesticides, genetic engineering.

The fish have two heads,
you just a cock.

A dildo. Come on.

Get down.
I bet you can fly.

- I'm a monster, and you ...
- You are not a monster.

You are the Joan of Arc of modernity.

- Nonsense.
- But.

- Maybe someone will grow up too.
- Do you mean?

- And other women. Tomorrow, who knows?
- Do you think?

That's why hair grows on our chin, Jeanne.

- You are the Urexemplar, the prototype.
- Yes?

Is that clear to you? Hey, girls!

Girls! They say we need one,
to be respected!

We show them!
We push them in the ass!

Madame?

Madame? Madame.

- Madame Clairé, where are you going?
- I have to go to Dr. Pace.

You can not just go inside.

It's about life and death.
I have to go to the doctor.

I'll give you an appointment.
Pretty hat.

- It's urgent.
- I will look. Wednesday would go.

What shoud that?

Mme Clairé, come back!

You do not just pop in here.
Marinette!

I have to show you something.
But do not tell anyone.

I am subject to secrecy.
But we did not have an appointment.

It is yesterday morning
suddenly occurred.

And now it hurts.

Moment.

Dont move.

- That's water?
- Yes.

That's water.

- Doctor?
- I take my time off today.

- See you tomorrow.
- Why?

- Promised.
- I wait for two hours.

- All right. You're welcome.
- Yes?

- There is a solution for everything.
- Yes?

- A disaster.
- You scare me.

Sure, that means: do not panic now.
It is all good.

- I am confident.
- Oh?

- Very confident.
- Maybe psychosomatic?

In rare cases can be severe
Shocks sometimes attack certain organs.

However, if that's psychosomatic
is, then a lot of pleasure.

- Is it because of the new pill?
- Certainly not, certainly not.

- Do you take hormones?
- Oh no, no, no.

Were there other cases?
Your mother, grandmother?

But how come you doctor?
Are you spinning?

Do not scold me, I'm looking for you.

- Say, can we cut him off?
- Him what?

- You're welcome.
- That will not do.

There is
Gender transformation. I want one.

- You're welcome.
- So one thing is very clear:

So serious interventions
are very painful.

Precisely because it occurred so suddenly.
He could regrow immediately.

Ow! Now do not bite me!

- I'm going crazy.
- To whom do you say that!

Sit down, Mme Clairé.

That really is not my area of expertise.

- Hm?
- I send you to the specialist ...

Oh no. Nobody should know about it.

Everyone will be after me.

I am not a circus monster, only mother.

You are my gynecologist.
You have to help me.

- I ask you.
- Very quiet.

He could disappear,
how he turned up.

When?
I can not live like that a day longer.

- It disgusts me.
- Understand.

I can not even touch it.

So ... so ... well ...

Please calm down, Madame.

I ask you.
Did you have a cuddly toy before?

Yes why?

- What was the name?
- Monsieur Pinpin.

- A rabbit?
- Why?

So you will call him,
Monsieur Pinpin.

That reminds you of your friend.

- He was nice, wanted no evil?
- He was.

When you touch him, you think
that you touch the rabbit pinpin.

Now let me go.

- Let's examine him. We must.
- For real?

Everything seems to work normally.
That's a comfort.

It's really awful.

It feels like a grenade
shortly before ... Exploding.

That is normal.

Forgive the expression,
but Pinpin's bag is full.

- That has to go.
- No way.

- I'm afraid.
- You're welcome?

- I'm afraid.
- But now...

I have been for 50 years
a pinpin between the legs.

He never bit.

- But I'm not a man.
- Do not be afraid.

Pack pinpin, and off the post!

- Come on, go ahead.
- Okay.

- He stays limp, is that normal?
- Nothing is normal.

Listen, maybe it helps:

Think of something that excites you.

Madame? I have to do everything here.

Imagine, you are ...

- In a chalet ...
- Yes.

In front of the fireplace.
It is warm and comfortable.

- Is something wrong?
- Uh, no.

An attractive man ...

reeling in front of you on a fur.

Oh, dear.

He growls ...

- And?
- Nothing.

- Nothing?
- I think it's disgusting.

A woman?

He moves.

- What is this lady doing?
- She is waiting for you in high boots.

With a lustful smile.

And now ...

- Be careful.
- Yes?

She spreads her legs ...

And you ... And you ...

Jeanne?

I splashed everything.

Good, I'm waiting in the consulting room.

Mme Clairé, I'm ready.

I'll call you if I am
Your blood tests have agreed?

Please write me ill,
for a very long time.

But you are not sick.

You have until Monday free.
Life goes on.

Stand up. With momentum.

Well please, madame. Fine.
Do not let that happen.

- What do I do now?
- Buy larger underpants.

And spoil pinpin.
Several times a day.

- Everything will be alright.
- Sure, doctor?

- You seem very helpless.
- What. That's not me.

- Are you accessible via mobile phone?
- Clear.

- Yes.
- Yes? Then I call.

Positive. Think positive. Goodbye.

- Wow, that looks strong.
- And if so.

Stop whining.
It's great what happened to you.

You have a turbine
between the legs.

- Sh ...
- That enlightens a village.

No rule, no spiral,
no tampons, no menopause.

Maybe another break,
half as wild.

- And you can clap with it.
- Ah.

- And so.
- Sch.

That's sharp.

If you have to,
will you get him out and pee off?

- Sh ...
- Hey. Hey, hey.

The journey is just beginning.

You'll have fun, get ready.

- That's Merlin.
- Go.

- Hello?
- Yes, hello, Jeanne. Bonjour.

Still speechless. I'm sorry,
I'm bothering, but I have no choice.

The decrease is through,
the purest catastrophe.

To avoid further delays,

we have the customer appointment
move forward to Tuesday.

How's the recalculation going?

- How should I say...
- What?

- I am on sick leave.
- Jeanne.

Herbal tea, suppositories and to work.

- That will not be enough ...
- Tuesday, that's not negotiable.

- once asshole ...
- ... always asshole.

Was you serious?

Pst.

Jeanne, look at me.

- Come between my legs.
- What?

Everything okay?

All good?

I have to go.
I can not anymore.

Oh damn, that's her.

Phew, so I have to
Keep distance. Do not lose weight, exactly.

- Hello? I can barely understand you.
- Here's Jeanne.

- I feel bad.
- I do not hear anything.

- Is that the tail?
- Do not say "tail".

I do not know,
I'm confused.

It will be allright. Drink something.

- And what?
- No matter, a whiskey, a double.

- Hello? I can not hear you anymore.
- I wonder ...

Not possible, I'm afraid.

Poor thing, poor thing ...

SEX CHANGE RECIPE

Au.

Jeanne?
Jeanne.

Jeanne.

What did you do?

What's this?

You're sick.

He's getting hot.
- Who then?

Pinpin.

- I'm scared ...
- Slowly. I do not understand anything.

Since this morning he is red, purple.
A whole new color.

I can not imagine that.
Send a photo.

It's burning ...

- Oh, yes, that ...
- Hervé, darling.

- I thought...
- Right, darling, a phone call.

Only a swelling. That will pass.

But now it's time to rest
damn it all!

- Cream him with ointment.
- ointment?

Cream it nicely,
then everything will be back to normal.

Good luck.

I love you.

Mom, we miss you.

I'm glad
to see you again tomorrow.

Yes, me too.

- Have a nice day.
- Kisses, I love you.

Tomorrow evening?
Oh, shit.

When I cook, I think of sex.

When brushing I think of sex.

No matter what I do, I think of sex.

And if I do not do anything then ...

- Is that how it is when you're a man?
- I have such thoughts too.

If this happens to me
I'll get everything out.

As soon as I have time,
I call Adam, and zack.

If I had one, I let myself
a blowjob every day before the telly.

That's full of antisocial, Marcelle.

I do not have time anymore.

The kids are coming tomorrow
I have to work again.

- What am I doing? A disaster.
- What.

Do it this way: You pull yourself
pretty, make up female.

Nobody notices something.

All men should wear skirts.

Only a dork wears trousers
with a tail between his legs.

You smoke?
You are full of surprises.

Do not get used to it.

- And if he takes me by surprise?
- As?

Do you know, yesterday, there ...

There I sat in the metro
and there was a woman ...

She was not even pretty.
She sat a little too close.

You were hot?
Did you get a kickstand at work?

That's not me anymore, Marcelle.

You do not understand that.

As well as a woman?

A guy is never alone, always two.
He and his cock.

Tail scrub done.

Come on, now tell everything.
How about Pinpin?

Great, believe me.

It's so funny
and also weird.

Funny, he is heavy ...

and easy at the same time.

It's how should I say?

A lead weight with wings.

That's really cool. And when you...

Compared with us?

That's funny.
I do not remember what it was like before.

This is crazy, that's like a ...

A black hole.

Uh, and on the other hand with Pinpin,
you know...

Pinpin is like ...

As if you were one
burned-on pan, do you understand?

You scratch,
and then the crust dissolves.

- Yes.
- If it dissolves, you're happy.

- You are satisfied.
- Satisfied, yes.

You rub until it shines.
The more, the more happy you are.

At some point you scratch,
without knowing why.

You rub, rub ...

Scratch ... Endless, you know?

And suddenly: boom.

Do you understand? As a...

- Like a pipe that gets free.
- Like a pipe.

The problem is just,
it is temporary.

You want to start over again.

- You always want to.
- That gives itself in old age.

Maybe not.

What are you doing with your hand?

- Stop looking at me so horny.
- But Marcelle ...

- Yes?
- We are really great neighbors.

And you're crazy about it
and everything that is new.

You said you like Pinpin.

Sure, I love Pinpin.
This is not a problem.

But rather with a guy's turn.

- Stop it.
- Can not you see? I have pressure.

- But.
- Marcelle ...

Hey, hey, Jeanne, hello! Stop doing that.

I love Pinpin, I love women,
no problem.

But not together, that's too much.
I think I'm going nuts.

You'll never cry anymore!

"Building with positive energy",
good day.

Ah yes, very much. He calls her back.

Speak to you soon.

- Good day.
- Day. Are you still going to a party?

Uh, no.

- Did you have an accident?
- Tiny problem, not bad.

Goodbye.

- She was thoroughly rammed through.
- Looks like.

Sweetheart, buy a comb
and make me a milk coffee.

I beg your pardon? Do you have a problem?
A little more respect.

Keep your mouth shut. Be quiet.

Go away.

And you with the stupid fly,
Show me what a jerk you are.

Bravo.

Hello, Jeanne, uh ...

Uh ... The boss is waiting for you in the office.

Because of his mother,
she does not feel better.

- This means?
- She died, Jeanne.

I got the documents out,
it does not get too complicated.

What is important is that we have the construction
handed over to the 4th.

Otherwise we are at the end.
So ... done.

- We can not give up now.
- Hello, boss.

- My condolences.
- Yes, hello, Jeanne. You're welcome.

Jeanne represents me,
oversees everything. With you.

You will be a good team.

- no.
- Please do not.

- Not at all.
- We are not.

Can you stop it?

- Rather not.
- I like to work with Jacques.

- Jacques does that with his left.
- He knows where to go.

- no.
- But.

But Jacques does not know the project.

Jeanne has
the designs and the plans made.

But Jacques ... he has
much more practical experience.

- I'm just sitting in the office ...
- She's an office boy.

- Jacques ...
- Yes...

That's enough! Stop it, now!

There you are. Stand up
and shake hands

And you work together.

Get up now.

Give yourself the hand.

- There you are. Thank you.
- Okay.

Pardon.

- I'm sorry.
- Jeanne?

- You can do it with ease.
- Nice from you.

And everything else okay?

- Yes.
- Yes?

Oh, Jeanne, I'm not biting.

I am just asking,
I do not know, you act like that ...

- Strange.
- Who I? How so?

I'm in great shape. Everything great.

I see.
I just had a feeling.

Uh, so ...

I have a question,
as an asshole. Because of the numbers.

For the meeting tomorrow.
What is the approximate amount?

- It is a surprise.
- Understand.

There are no surprises in life.

And surprises are important, so ...

La, la, la ... Be curious.

- My darling, what's up?
- "My sweetheart"...

Unbelievable.

That has to wait. I can not at the moment.

- Is bad.
- "It has to wait" ...

We'll talk later if ...

I'm not...

He almost killed us ... almost.

Such a stupid asshole!

- Stay here!
- impudence!

- Do not get off.
- asshole!

Shift pleasing your brain!

- Or drive Metro!
- Jeanne, you're fine.

- Is that clear?
- Nothing happens.

Excuse me.

- I am sorry.
- She behaves strangely.

- Not meant seriously.
- Yes.

Everything okay? I could not guess.

Uh ... Jeanne, Jeanne.

- Do you know what we are doing now?
- no.

Keep safety distance.
As if we were surrounded by barbed wire.

All around.

- You see him?
- Roger that.

- Oh oh oh...
- Yes?

We have ... We ...

There is a sewage problem.
We have to change tubes.

- Are you kidding?
- So...

- The decrease was three days ago.
- I ...

- The boss jumped off, we all toiled.
- So, if I ...

- Misfortunes never come singly.
- If I...

- What now?
- How should I know that?

- This damage occurs so suddenly.
- May I...

- Nice help.
- Not my problem.

"What now? What now?"

Maybe you would listen to me.

According to me. We are listening.

I wanted to say,
everything has already been considered.

I have
a safety margin provided.

Ah, the amount
you did not want to call.

- As I said, a surprise.
- Ah right.

Hey, hey, hey!

What about the safety distance,
the barbed wire?

Theoretically, I would have to be pierced.

What is going on with you?
You have a hard time.

- I'm good.
- But that's not how it works, no.

No differences in front of the team.
That's rule number one.

Pardon, if I repeat it.

Now make the estimate.

- Are you crazy? He is finished!
- Ah okay.

Marcelle, Marcelle, Marcelle.
Did you get my SMS?

- What do you do?
- Can you take care of the children today?

- What?
- I demand a lot from you, yes.

I have to work.

I'm not to blame.
It's up to Pinpin.

He makes you crazy.
What is it you do it?

- Yes. You scared me.
- hot ... thank you.

I have to go.
Thank you, thank you. Goodbye.

My sacrum is blocked.

Hello.

Do you see?

That's how it works when I lean forward.

But then it does not continue.

That's the way it is, but if I ...

- She sees you.
- That's not me.

- You have to go.
- That's Pinpin.

You have to fuck.
I have one for you.

- What did you tell?
- That you're a tranny.

- A tranny?
- Excuse me, so ...

You already behave like a man.

- I'm not a guy!
- Sch.

Alright?

I am a caring mother ...
with male gender.

- a huge difference.
- Yes.

- Do they have to wear tight outfits?
- Stop it.

Pardon, monsieur.

My God!

Jeanne?

Jeanne, I ...

Damn, oh no!

Another one?

- Do you want one more?
- Uh ... Yes.

That is really crazy.

Joe, Joe ...

Nobody knows.
Can I trust you?

Yes, I'm silent like a grave.
I would never tell that.

Nobody would believe it anyway.

I also have a secret.

- Oh yes?
- Yes.

Yes, but ... It's not as big as ...

like your secret, but ...

I'm still virgin.

Wow.

- I know.
- Excuse me.

I'm sure I'm the only one
from all employees.

But no.
I mean ... not quite.

I got it...
never done before.

- So Pinpin has never done it.
- Ah, alas.

I am a mother and a virgin.

- Half virgin.
- Well ...

That makes one and a half virgins
operational. This increases the statistics.

- Jeanne, what ...
- Hm?

Yes?

- Think, we ...
- no.

- Are not we both thinking of the same thing?
- no.

- Maybe...
- Yes.

- Oh yeah. Yes.
- Oh yeah.

And if I do not bring it?
Maybe I'm bad.

- I do not know how it works.
- I feel the same way.

- So?
- So ... let's do it.

I'm sorry, dear.

I do not know what he has.
I'm sorry.

Oh, please excuse me.

- Maybe I do not like Pinpin.
- No, certainly not.

Wait, I'll be right back.

Of course I slept.

What should I do otherwise? Wait a second.

Second.

Do not be fixated on the act.

- Your head is connected to Pinpin.
- Is not he.

If you are running a marathon
and think of the 42 km,

are you done, in the end, dead, k.o.

Focus on the steps.
Step by step, yes?

I do, but he does not obey.
Do you understand?

Pinpin is not the problem
but your head.

I think he ... stands
massively under pressure, so he fails.

Your head.
Think about the chalet, the woman.

The high boots.

The animal skin.

Wait, Chérie.
It's not what you think.

Joe?

- Ever run a marathon?
- Uh, no.

Introduce yourself...

A chalet.

And then...

Many Thanks!

Thank you, thank you.
Unbelievable, what you have done for me.

Not worth talking about.

But tell me ...

How did you find my rhythm?
Were you satisfied?

The main thing, we did it.

Yes, but how did you find ...

the pace and ...

the movement and all that, was that ...

- I'm not virgin anymore, I ...
- Okay, sweetheart.

- I ...
- You liked it.

It's crazy, totally crazy.

It is believed,
some things will never happen.

And then something like that.
It was like being in prison.

As I would
serve a sentence forever.

Absolutely innocent. Life imprisonment.

And now, Jeanne ... the madness.

Now I can have a say.

Uh ... Jeanne?

Wow, your mother is beautiful.

Oh, you said that beautifully.

- You look really great.
- Do you find?

Mom, we are too late!

- Hopps.
- You can not carry her anymore.

I always eat my spinach.

- I did not brush my teeth.
- You did not sign.

We have no school bread.

Everything goes down the drain.

High with you.

So. Now I wish you
have fun at school.

- When's the sea?
- I want one, too.

- What makes you think that?
- Mom, do not cry.

But dad is flying Christmas
with us to Costa Rica.

Just to talk about the children in peace,
without stress.

Promised. That's great.

Kisses, until this evening.

He takes the children away,
and you say "kisses"?

Do not worry. Do not worry!

I understand only station.

- Have a nice day!
- You too!

Look, there comes ... Oh.

Good day. Good day.

Good day. Hello everybody.

Hello, Merlin.

Ready for the meeting?

Um, I'm ready.
You are well again.

- Yes, I'm in shape. In top form.
- Jeanne.

We have to work Christmas.
No choice.

No problem, I have calculated.

- Hey, your helmet.
- Ah yes, the helmet. Clear.

We need the solar modules.
When will they come?

We ask Merlin best.

- Uh, Merlin?
- I did not listen, but yes.

- Yes what?
- Yes what?

- When do the solar modules come?
- Understand.

They come at the end of the week.

- Perfect. Fits exactly.
- Wonderful.

- Okay.
- They are there. The customers, Jeanne.

My dear friends...

How are we today?
Welcome to the construction site.

- Hello, monsieur.
- Good day.

- Good day.
- Good day.

Good day. Oh, firm handshake.

Good day ... Hello, Madame.

Very pleased. Oh how beautiful.

Coffee and pastries
wait for you inside.

Let's go inside.

Come here, Merlin. Merlin.

Attention, barbed wire.
I remember rules in a jiffy.

You can be sure
recommend a romantic restaurant?

- no.
- no?

I only know hooker bars,
like all assholes.

Monsieur, two more, please.

Is not bad.

I have her New Year's Eve,
is also important.

We'll turn it around next year, huh?

Everything great.

And, um ...

Your girlfriend? How is she?

Oh, fine, yes. Great, so ...

- Something tired for sure yet?
- But that's normal.

Of course this is normal, what do you think?

I have that too behind me.

Twice, as you know.

Always the baby ...

Breastfeeding, changing diapers,
breastfeeding, changing diapers ...

But where are you?

Who cares about you?

Hm?

Jeanne ...

- Anton ...
- What you are doing?

Do not play the shy one.
I feel like you.

You want it too, darling.

You are so strong. Good...

Take a seat.

And listen carefully.

Do you know, when I told you
I would have changed ...

I was really serious about that.

- Do you want to see?
- Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes, Jeanne. Come on.

Oh yeah...

Is something wrong?

Do you have a headache?

I take the champagne.
That's too much for you.

Move out.

- You want to see more?
- Yes.

- Take off your clothes.
- No, Anton.

You have to ask a lot friendlier.

- Please, Jeanne, Chérie.
- Yes?

- Please Strip.
- Good boy, that's good.

- Sure, you want to see it?
- Oh yeah.

- Then beg.
- Oh please.

You are close.
Do you really want to see it?

And now say hello to Pinpin.

Yes, yes, yes.

Voilà.

After 18 years together
Are you still surprised?

You are so generous
and open to everything.

In short:
What a night of madness.

We had a real farewell
deserves, right?

Thank you. Jeanne, your ex.

- Have a nice day.
- Incredible.

That's yours
Androgen and testosterone levels.

The male hormone, 35 nanomol.
Amazing, really.

That's yours
Östregen- and progesterone levels.

The female, right? 315 pg.

That's overwhelming
the values explode.

That means you are like a teenager.

But both in one.

Really,
this is really a case for the textbook.

Are you
other changes noticed?

I am very muscular.
And as I said.

I'm so happy, so Pinpin ...

I could be right back.
Too cool to have a tail.

Please do not be so vulgar.
Let's stay scientific.

I researched
and found a case like yours.

- For real?
- in the 16th century

A peasant girl named Marie.

One day she keeps her pigs.
They run away.

She runs after them.
She runs and runs.

She wants to jump over a ditch.

She takes a start, jumps in the air,
do a balancing act ...

When landing, boom. As.

- So?
- Little Marie.

Except for the pigs and the balancing act.

That's strictly scientific,
by Ambroise Paré.

He is an anatomy expert. He dissected
Corpses against the church's will.

An outstanding pioneer,
a pioneer of today's medicine.

Did Marie's thing ever go away?

She tied her breasts,
wore trousers and called himself Jermain.

You forgot that she was a woman.

Besides, she had a beard,
like Conchita Wurst.

- You by the way, not yet.
- no.

- Maybe it will come.
- Please do not.

You always have to keep exploring.
Often we just think we know something.

We do not know anything, just believe it.
And suddenly someone like you appears.

They change the gender theme.
I think over my doctoral thesis.

The theses about
Bisexuality ...

I'll ... I'm still thinking.

- Are you alright?
- Best. I do not sleep anymore.

- Finished.
- But...

A colleague has to meet you.
A specialist in genetic disorders.

For science.
Your case is symbolic.

No. Nobody should know about it.

Clear? A mother with a tail,
that is embarrassing.

Do not say "tail".
Say something else.

There are better terms.
Should I list them?

- Are you thinking?
- Maybe.

- Think, and let's talk again.
- Clear.

Promised.

And hopp, little angel.

Yes, come in.
Ah, Dad is here. Come in, come in.

Go to your room for a moment.
We have to talk for a minute.

- But do not forget anything.
- I have a list.

- Come in. Make yourself at home.
- Is good.

Hello.

- How are you?
- I come to pick the kids.

Do not worry, they'll be right back.

- Children, are you coming?
- are right there.

I can buy the tickets
cancel the children.

You will not be refunded
but that's not bad, so ...

If you want her, I'll take her tomorrow.

I do not say her journey
the day before. They are so happy.

- That would be cruel.
- As you wish.

I celebrate Christmas alone.

Also nice.

Come, children!

They do not listen to you so well anymore.

Children, please!

No power, you are too soft. Come on.

Come, children!

Children,
if you are not here at three ...

- Mummy!
- Come here, sweetheart.

You are the greatest. I like you.

You will miss me very much.

Do not forget:
Santa Claus is coming too ...

- Mummy.
- I agree.

Have fun.

- Come on. Happy Holidays.
- See you, dad ... er, mom.

Hello you two.

- Dad, are we going to the sea?
- Yeah!

- That might be going back there.
- Okay.

- Bruno, helmet on.
- Man...

Good, keep it up, it rolls out. Roll out.

Continue, until the end! Yes, that's good.

Merlin ... Oje, oh dear.

Great.
Madness. Well done.

Bravo, wa ...
What should be has to be.

Come on, clean up the mess here.
Immediately. Okay, people.

- Jeanne!
- Yes immediately.

Jeanne?

- What's going on?
- What? Nothing.

- I thought you are not a man?
- I'm not a man either, I ...

That ... is just ... a new look.

You want to come across as a man,
to faster ...

Oh no. It has nothing to do with it.

I think that's ... send.

- As long as you do not want to fuck me.
- That was the joint.

- Interpret nothing in.
- No matter.

You imitate your father, understand.

- We are not in the 50s anymore.
- As?

You want to be a man?
Take the stick out of your ass.

You are standing there like that. No.

- The tie does not work.
- That seems serious.

No.

- So?
- Unbutton shirt.

- But I have no hair.
- So what?

- There are also hairless men.
- Right.

- Yes, sure.
- Wait...

- Put on a sweater.
- Which?

- With turtleneck, what do I know?
- Okay.

No. The outfit is not the problem
you are too feminine.

For real?

Why are you putting your butt out?
Are you Beyoncé?

Stand up, give yourself male.
Much better.

Oh man...

Your first steps on Mars.
How awesome is that?

- We call you Jean.
- Jean ...

Jeanne, Jean, almost the same.
Sounds male.

We women always stand
so shy.

We enter quietly
and always afraid to tease.

And we say, "Yes, I like to help."

The men against it ... The men take
take their time, sit legs apart.

They run vulgar and shit
on everything that happens around her.

How so?
They think the world is theirs.

Look at Adam.
That is a man. Pure testosterone.

Think "male potent, potent".

Excuse me.

- The tail makes the man, huh?
- Or not.

That makes...

- Are we talking about it?
- Hm?

- About what?
- Let's do a clean sweep.

- What?
- It puts a strain on you.

But ... nothing bothers me. Why?

The seminar, remember?
A fiasco. Are we talking about it?

- Oh that.
- Yes, that's exactly what.

No, no, I assure you ...

- What?
- No problem.

I see you trampling off,
as if we were competitors.

I do not compete with you,
with no one.

- I am only competent.
- Right.

You stand your husband in the office
and also on site. All over.

They get along everywhere.

Oh yes, I am for you
just an asshole, I know.

I'm sorry, I was bad.

That's no reason to overdo it.

And in terms of
on our little story ...

Obviously, I was a zero.

What did I do wrong?

I prefer to interrupt you soon.

I can not remember anything.
The total blackout.

- I am sorry. I was pathetic.
- No no no...

- No track record like you.
- track record?

- Merlin ... Now that everything is clear.
- Yes?

- Do you betray your tricks on women?
- What?

- I mean, how do you get her around?
- Jeanne ...

- no.
- Hm?

I have no tricks.

And I do not get it "around".

- It's good.
- No method, no tricks.

Of course, whoever believes it will be happy.

- I can not come over.
- Let us...

Jeanne ...

Please listen
with the barbed wire nonsense on.

Madame, do not you want to get off?

Day.

- Jeanne, I have a helmet for you.
- Thank you.

What should I do with a 3 meter crane?

I need 15 m.
What should I do with three meters?

Hi guys!

If he is not there tomorrow,
hear from my lawyer.

- Oh ...
- Oh hello.

What is? The sting again ...

Hello, Jeanne!

- I'm waiting for 20 minutes.
- There they are.

For 20 minutes
I listen to the waiting line!

I need the crane right away.

Attention!

Disappears!

Attention!

All good?

Do we want to ... we duzen?

Hm?

Wow.

- Great class, Jeanne!
- Bravo!

Continue researching and have patience.
I'm already making progress.

Maybe I can really fly.

- Are you talking to yourself?
- Hm?

No, how come?
Pardon, Jean-Paul, I'll call you back.

What's happening?

I mutate.

I did not say anything earlier,
but thanks. For real.

It's normal.

- Nothing to thank for.
- You probably do not know, but ...

I also have children. Would be terrible.

All right, Superman.
There is a mother.

Yes, yes, but they live with me.
Helmet on.

- What is her mother doing?
- Is complicated.

Helmet on.
Did not you like that earlier?

The boss was right,
we make a good team.

- a funny team.
- Yes, but successful.

If not in all areas.

You become more beautiful.

Pardon, pardon, excuse me.
Was not meant like that.

I just meant ...
We are friends.

All right,
we are friends, real friends.

- Good, friends.
- friends.

I think about a circumcision.

Do not look like that,
I do not have to take care anymore.

I can feed what I want.
I do not take a gram.

Oh dear, I miss the children,
it's a nightmare.

Luckily I have Jean,
when I am sad.

At night I wander around alone,
do not be afraid, keep your eyes open.

- I breathe.
- You do not need a cock for that.

Luckily there's Merlin.

- He is really sympathetic.
- The asshole?

You are too strict.

- How's your friend?
- He's my lover.

Sweet, you're flirting with "Bridget Jones",

but the man you see every day
for 10 minutes, is only your lover?

That's my solid sex relationship.
I'm crying because Bridget is so stupid.

Wait, I'll help you.

What are you doing there?

- Still a?
- Gladly.

Alright.

- Something else?
- No thanks.

- No cause, mademoiselle.
- Thank you very much.

She smiled at me.

I can do it.

Hey, sorry, at least!
Such a full post.

- Asshole.
- What shoud that?

I can defend myself alone.

Women can water, children,
Wear purchases and school bags.

- Does testosterone decrease memory?
- Are you crazy?

It's nice to help others.
Do not be absurd.

I am silly?
Because I have no tail?

- Sch.
- Alright.

What is wrong with you?
It's me, your girlfriend.

- Not just any man.
- Look at it.

Soon you will look for yourself
like an asshole.

Excuse me, I forgot
that all men are assholes.

You have a guy far away
a child he should never know.

It does not itch you,
because men are shit.

But you have a son, right?
Such a crap, too.

Explain to him that all men
shit, only he is not.

You are not a man.
You are much worse.

Even worse than your ex!
Voilà, satisfied?

And believe me
that was a giant asshole!

- Madame ...
- Do not touch me! Out of the way!

I'm sorry, that hurts a lot.

I know, monsieur.

I'm sorry.

Hi.

They wanted to call me.

I had suggested
to call in a specialist.

Merry Christmas, you and Pinpin.
Goodbye.

Do not come without registration.
Let me!

I love you.

- I'm tired of this crap!
- Then take off!

Merry Christmas, you asshole!

My mother in law
shot the bird off.

She put on a beard and did
as if she came through the chimney.

Jeanne. Happy Holiday.

- The kids are totally freaked out.
- Class.

- You raged for joy.
- Clear.

- were no longer able to brake.
- Great.

- How was your Christmas Eve?
- I was alone, like an idiot.

- Honestly?
- My wife is gone.

I only see my children
every other Christmas and weekend.

- What only?
- Why no joint custody?

I requested it
but it was rejected.

Why?

My apartment is too small
because I also pay my wife's.

Why are you paying for both?

I left her the apartment
and pay.

Is your ex-wife handicapped?

We men
get no right to the children.

If it requires a man, yes.
Believe me.

If he has money.

We can
no great lawyers.

When love is over,
do you keep it off or go.

And the one who goes,
renounces the children.

I know what I'm talking about.

No wonder men simulate.

- Pardon.
- No problem.

- I'm sorry.
- No problem.

Since when do men simulate?

Since women are in power, boss.

Where is Merlin? He lets us
work on the 25th, and he is not there?

- Did you see him?
- No, boss!

THE WORLD IS CHANGING

Merlin.

- Where are you staying?
- Excuse me.

- Is what? Everyone is waiting for you.
- no.

- I just ... I have stress.
- What is?

- How so?
- The babysitter is ill.

- What should I do?
- Yes Dad.

Yes, dad is here.

Very quiet, sweetheart.
Do not pull your hair.

Daddy brings you back,
he has to work. Be good.

Behave, stay in the room.

Not so loud, play quietly.

- Merlin?
- Be nice. What?

I stay with them,
we take turns.

Common custody, yes?
Children, this is Jeanne.

- Jeanne, my children.
- Hello.

I stay with you,
while dad has to go to his appointment.

Now you save me
again the life.

- Father?
- There's a picnic in there. What?

Who is the boss, you or her?

Chef is always dad, but she too.

See you later.
Do not get angry, Jeanne.

That's great.
See you later ... Oh, better not.

- Be nice, you hear?
- Where does it come from?

- Did your father do that?
- Yes, sure.

What is in the bag?

- He forgot the brownies.
- Bad?

- We baked that today.
- Pity.

- Dad baked with you?
- Clear.

Merlin ... Woah.

What do I do now?

- How are you?
- Hello, Jeanne.

I wanted to invite you to a glass,
to thank you.

Yes? Uh ...

- And who cares for the children tonight?
- Her mother.

Ah understand,
So if mom is here today, then ...

- Then I like to come.
- Well I am waiting.

Okay I...

Crap.

Damn it.

Mademoiselle?

- Salute.
- Hi, salut.

- Right now you're crazy.
- And you blue.

Little...

- Uh ... Yes?
- Say ... Hm?

What?

Um ... you?

Why do not you live together
with wife and children?

- We are just separated.
- But...

Oh ... That ...

- I did not know that.
- Could not you either.

- And you? Do you have someone?
- Uh ...

Is currently a funny phase.
No men.

If you say "no men",
does that mean that you are bi?

- Oh no, certainly not.
- You are totally ...

In any case, I am totally hetero.

- Definitely?
- a hetero.

- Thoroughly.
- Thoroughly?

Oh, there are some.
Two stools are free.

- Is not easy to address women.
- That of you?

You always say
"my beauty" and "honey".

Do you know who I last with ...

- No, how come?
- That was you.

Oh, wait. No.

- Oh no, sorry. I'm sorry.
- no.

I am sorry.
But I have a bad one right now ...

How should I say? Skin irritation.

An annoying and
recurring ... cat allergy.

I have to go,
but it was a really great evening.

But now ... Phew ... Will it ...

Oh no. Oh crap. Damn it.

I'm coming!

I open up right away!

Mom is coming.

Mom ... why are you crying?

- Santa was just there.
- Hooray!

Wait!

Oh yes...

Take care.

- Everything okay?
- Oh yes, everything is great.

- I'm not doing good. See you.
- He never sleeps.

- no?
- No way.

My girlfriend
currently has postnatal depression.

She went to her mother,
around you, you know, rest.

And I am alone ...

Dad has no milk.

Do you take him? I can not anymore!

The first three months
are the worst.

Then it will be heavenly. Bye.

I was never there for Paul and Lou. Never!

You were all alone. Forgive me.

We all do what we can.

Bye.

- Please help me. Do you understand me?
- Yes / Yes.

What could be in there?

Why do you waddle like a penguin?

Penguins are sweet.
I like to do it.

Now see what's inside.

I gave birth to two children.

Where is this supposed to lead, Pinpin?

Okay, fine.

We go eat something. As friends.

And you give rest.

Do you want oysters?

Since we are friends now ...

can you tell me,
what is with your wife.

- What happened?
- Well ...

Nobody in the office knows
So please stay with us.

Your secrets are safe with me.

I already know that
some other intimate details.

She ran away.

When she learned that her father
Men love, turned them over.

Until then, everything went well between us,
but then...

she woke up crying in the morning
and was gone.

She had disappeared for almost seven months.
It was hard.

Especially for the little one, she was two.

- And how old is she now?
- Now she is four.

Her mother visits her now and then.

She goes to the movies with them,
like last night.

That explains itself
my need to drink.

I do not understand, for two years ...

do you do that at work,
as if you were still married?

Is that stupid?

Do you know how they call a man
raising four children?

Mami. What do you think?

I would like to have a wife,
who earns more than me.

I would stay at home,
with the children.

That would be great. Really.

Then stand by, Merlin.

The women can handle it.
Why not us? I mean, you.

- What?
- What? What do you think?

Funny, your slip of the tongue.

Yes, very funny.

Somehow you're a funny guy.

But you are a woman.
They always get along.

You are not afraid.

The men have more muscle,
but not all.

But that does not make them stronger.

You know that.

It's snowing. Look. Oh no.

- Jeanne.
- Hm?

You do not remember, but ...
One time, that meant something to me.

- Ah yes?
- Yes.

And what you me for things
said, was beautiful.

- Yes?
- Yes.

- Do not you really remember?
- No, I...

It's ... I want ...

Oh no.

Pardon.

I asked myself ...

You ... you do not need to answer.

I asked myself the question

Did you ever have something with a man?

- Tell me, you're bisexual.
- No, no, not at all.

- But you already have?
- That's what worries you.

Listen, what should I answer?

No matter how you react,
I am totally hetero.

Hetero ... from the ground up.

No no.

No no. No, Merlin.

Stop it.

We are friends.
Do friends kiss each other?

Do friends kiss on the mouth?
Think about the consequences.

What would the colleagues do?
in the office say about us?

You already raise four children alone.

You act as if you were married.
I am a ... I am a ...

Here.

We are friends, right?

Do you understand?

Only friends, man.

Everybody listen, please!

I want to toast with you

on completion
from France's first school,

which uses only renewable energy.

My thanks are especially mine
wonderful co-worker Jeanne ...

and Merlin.

Thank you both, thank you.

I wanted to tell you,
you look great.

- Where is Joe?
- She quit.

- How so?
- Emigrated on a mystic trip.

Or aromatherapy or meditation ...

- Boss, we start?
- But like.

- Thank you for everything.
- Likewise.

I have done everything here alone.

And me the salad. I do that ...

- May I ask you something?
- Yes, sure.

Let women shut up,
you have something against it.

And let's say,
it does not suit you either.

How should a woman
behave best?

Does anyone have an answer?

I knew you were not an office-maid.
They were perfect.

More than perfect.
As a woman, it's harder.

The helmet is fine, and ...

Jeanne, Jeanne ...
Jeanne, wait.

- What is?
- Can we talk?

No, I have to go straight to, to ...

Swim.

Swim.

Jeanne. No, Jeanne. Jeanne.

- Stop. What do you do?
- Nothing.

- You run away again. All the time.
- I do not do.

Damn, stop.

Explain that to me. I'm going crazy.

I do not understand anything anymore.
Damn, I stand naked before you.

I should run away,
but I can not.

I feel,
it's something special with you.

I have never felt that.

Jeanne, tell me what's going on.
I beg you.

I'll take you with me
your underpants and tantrums.

I take you as you are.

Although a voice says to me:
"Leave it, get out of here."

But I can not,
I can not do it.

I can not.
And do you know what the funniest thing is?

You are the one who will run away again.

Madame Clairé!

I go to the colleague,
but then to Bangkok!

- What do you think?
- I want to be like before.

- Take me to Bangkok.
- Your case is special.

- That could take years.
- What?

This is not worse than a piercing.

- Chill out!
- A cut, and done! Here...

- Sun
- Put that down! Stop!

Let go of the scissors!

Madame Lemarchand
has fainted.

- Jeanne.
- What should become of me?

- I am a circus attraction.
- But no, really not.

Unless
in a very famous circus, but ...

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Want a handkerchief?
- Why not.

- Thank you.
- Nothing to thank for.

- Why are you crying?
- I do not cry at all.

- Okay.
- Is just a strong cold.

A strong cold ...

since the ass Adam no longer calls.

He just disappeared.

- At least he does not bother you.
- no.

Call him and tell him
that he is missing you.

Never in life.
I wrote him a text message.

- He did not answer.
- Tell him you miss him.

It's easy.

Also...

Tom is happy
would not you be alone anymore?

Are we getting on with each other?

Stop crying.

Except Pinpin
Do you have a big heart?

I am not normal.

- You know who that is?
- no.

Who is this?

- Jeanne Clairé?
- She is here.

You have to answer if I call.

I'm too old to worry.

- She's in love.
- In love? That's great.

- I agree.
- Man or woman?

A man, of course.
So doctor, really.

I'm sorry. But so natural
is not that.

Are you talking to her, yes?

- Does he really love her, it does not matter.
- Why, surely.

- Naturally. Needless to say.
- Do you see?

- Although, if I ...
- So?

If I were him, I would not be ...

Do not say that.
Are you stupid?

Moderate your tone, young woman.

I say this,
because she is not over the mountain yet.

Well, well, Jeanne.

Jeanne, you are a guy ...
no, a woman,

which is very special.

It will be like "Pretty Woman",
with extra cock.

You now too?
Where she had just calmed down.

- Do not say "tail". Embarrassing.
- All right.

Imagine
the possibilities for two.

But I do not want that at all.

I just want to live like a woman.

- I am a real woman.
- a real woman.

So, this man, is he nice?

Oh yeah.

- Fine. Chill out.
- He is so wonderful.

- I'm so in the mood for him.
- Nice.

- I never wanted anyone that much.
- It's fantastic.

- Is that love?
- Now it's good.

Forgive me,
but do not you have any eggs?

- He is not wrong.
- You can risk that.

What are you waiting for?
You have nothing to lose. Come on.

- I agree.
- Come on.

Yes, give yourself a jerk.

I love you. But...

But? What, Jeanne?

What's happening?
You ... you ... are a bigamist?

Are you ... maybe my sister?

No, Merlin.

I...

I...

I...

Jeanne, no, no, no.

OK.

OK...

Jeanne!

Jeanne?

Jeanne, are you alright?

There is nothing.

It is only...

I love thunderstorms!

That's so cool!

You are so pretty.
Beautiful, my darling.

For a moment I thought
it's up to me you always ...

Sch ...

- You said "but".
- There is no ... But more.

Ah, too late.

Oh!

You shoot with arrows
on the TV. That does not work.

- Vial is ready.
- Your little one grows 2 cm per minute.

- That was intent.
- I'm sorry.

- Can I pass?
- Excuse me.

- May I?
- Where to go?

- No matter, main thing through.
- Just go.

- Ha.
- Hey.

What are the empty yogurt cups doing?
here? Throw it away.

- Should we still have a child?
- No, that's enough for me.

- Right now.
- Immediately?

I'll go there.

Children, the cake is waiting for you!

Not all at once.

And you want more children?

- in a row.
- Impossible.

Who wants cake?

Oh, Joe.

But...

Say, "Hello, dad."