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1
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Previously on The Affair...
2
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Uh, hi. I'm Alison.
3
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Ben.
4
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Yeah, when I got back from my
second tour, I was a disaster.
5
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,664
And I, uh, had a hard time being...
6
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...being intimate.
7
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,367
Oh.
8
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It's pretty interesting stuff, huh?
9
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You scared me.
10
00:00:23,783 --> 00:00:25,290
You can't just sneak up on people
11
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:27,568
at a conference about
posttraumatic stress.
12
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Sorry, uh, I didn't
realize I was that scary.
13
00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:32,264
We should meet up all over the country
14
00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:34,015
at different PTSD conferences.
15
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Are you having fun yet?
16
00:00:39,471 --> 00:00:40,850
What's that face?
17
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You amaze me.
18
00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:45,769
I'm looking for Ben Cruz.
19
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He is actually at a lunch meeting,
20
00:00:47,206 --> 00:00:48,864
but he'll be back any minute.
21
00:00:48,865 --> 00:00:51,342
Mrs. Cruz, what are you doing?
22
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:53,119
Please, let me help you with that.
23
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,345
Mrs. Cruz, please.
24
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,054
I insist. Let me do that.
25
00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,355
A lush. I love it.
26
00:00:58,356 --> 00:00:59,977
No, I just had a terrible day.
27
00:00:59,978 --> 00:01:02,980
Have you ever heard of
the, uh, mile-high club?
28
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,539
I can't sit back down there, okay?
29
00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:07,080
- He tried to kiss me.
- Calm down, ma'am.
30
00:01:07,081 --> 00:01:08,450
- This is a misunderstanding.
- I need you to calm down.
31
00:01:08,451 --> 00:01:09,583
Stop touching me!
32
00:01:09,584 --> 00:01:11,802
Noah? Hi.
33
00:01:11,803 --> 00:01:14,071
She just started freaking
out on the highway.
34
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I didn't know where else to bring her.
35
00:01:15,684 --> 00:01:17,086
What about you? You seeing anybody?
36
00:01:17,087 --> 00:01:18,907
I was. He's married.
37
00:01:18,908 --> 00:01:21,324
Alison, you have so much time.
38
00:01:21,325 --> 00:01:22,662
You could have a second act.
39
00:01:22,663 --> 00:01:24,242
You could do whatever you want to do.
40
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:25,960
But if you want to change your life,
41
00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:27,413
you have to do it now.
42
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Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
43
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Hi.
44
00:04:22,932 --> 00:04:23,932
Hi.
45
00:04:25,271 --> 00:04:26,625
It's good to see you.
46
00:04:27,406 --> 00:04:29,524
Um, can I come in?
47
00:04:32,329 --> 00:04:34,529
Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. Um...
48
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It's beautiful here.
49
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Thank you.
50
00:05:00,831 --> 00:05:01,837
So...
51
00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:04,040
Where'd you go?
52
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,722
What do you mean?
53
00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:07,143
Last week.
54
00:05:07,144 --> 00:05:08,642
Thought we had a date.
55
00:05:10,439 --> 00:05:11,478
I...
56
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:13,887
It's for you.
57
00:05:14,519 --> 00:05:15,719
Thank you.
58
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,020
Um, do you want to sit?
59
00:05:17,021 --> 00:05:18,722
I need to talk to you about something.
60
00:05:18,723 --> 00:05:21,238
Actually, um, can I say something first?
61
00:05:22,758 --> 00:05:23,915
Okay.
62
00:05:26,569 --> 00:05:27,786
I'm married.
63
00:05:32,446 --> 00:05:34,429
- Okay.
- I didn't tell you.
64
00:05:35,823 --> 00:05:38,284
Uh, no, you didn't.
65
00:05:38,285 --> 00:05:40,490
I was afraid you wouldn't
want to see me again.
66
00:05:40,491 --> 00:05:41,709
Well, you're right.
67
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,512
But I already know.
68
00:05:47,362 --> 00:05:48,582
I found out.
69
00:05:50,104 --> 00:05:51,354
How?
70
00:05:53,290 --> 00:05:55,295
I went to see you at your office.
71
00:05:55,296 --> 00:05:57,025
Your wife was there.
72
00:05:57,026 --> 00:05:58,043
Heidi?
73
00:05:58,044 --> 00:05:59,044
Mm-hmm.
74
00:06:01,349 --> 00:06:03,056
Okay. Um...
75
00:06:03,057 --> 00:06:04,458
Did you speak to her?
76
00:06:04,459 --> 00:06:05,666
It doesn't matter.
77
00:06:07,921 --> 00:06:09,945
- You lied to me.
- I know.
78
00:06:09,946 --> 00:06:11,865
I told you everything about myself.
79
00:06:12,481 --> 00:06:14,183
- I told you about my son.
- I know.
80
00:06:14,184 --> 00:06:15,750
- I know, and I'm sorry.
- That's it?
81
00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:17,186
That's all you have to say?
82
00:06:17,187 --> 00:06:18,987
I have a lot to say. Do you want to sit?
83
00:06:18,988 --> 00:06:20,589
- No.
- Okay.
84
00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:23,407
Well, um, this might take a while.
85
00:06:23,408 --> 00:06:24,694
I've been rehearsing this for days,
86
00:06:24,695 --> 00:06:26,395
but I realize I may never see you again,
87
00:06:26,396 --> 00:06:27,712
so I'm gonna say everything.
88
00:06:29,816 --> 00:06:30,957
Okay.
89
00:06:48,327 --> 00:06:49,691
So, uh...
90
00:06:53,165 --> 00:06:54,572
I left my wife today.
91
00:06:55,258 --> 00:06:57,391
- I don't believe you.
- I did. I can show you
92
00:06:57,392 --> 00:06:58,826
the angry text messages
I've been getting,
93
00:06:58,827 --> 00:06:59,977
if that would help.
94
00:07:03,565 --> 00:07:05,283
Our marriage is done.
95
00:07:06,752 --> 00:07:08,985
I should have left a
long time ago, but...
96
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,604
I said it was for the kids,
97
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,099
but it wasn't for the kids.
98
00:07:14,125 --> 00:07:16,376
I just didn't want to
fail at something else.
99
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,312
And then I met you.
100
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,113
I wanted to tell you.
101
00:07:20,114 --> 00:07:23,067
I-I tried to tell you, but...
102
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,751
I knew, if I did, you'd just walk away
103
00:07:24,752 --> 00:07:26,286
and I'd never see you again,
104
00:07:26,287 --> 00:07:28,323
and I couldn't make
myself say the words.
105
00:07:31,176 --> 00:07:34,211
You are literally the
woman of my dreams.
106
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,430
I know it's not the perfect situation,
107
00:07:37,431 --> 00:07:39,866
but I came here tonight
just hoping that maybe
108
00:07:39,867 --> 00:07:42,571
we can start again with no more secrets.
109
00:07:55,679 --> 00:07:56,858
I'm Ben.
110
00:07:57,527 --> 00:07:59,552
I recently separated from my wife,
111
00:07:59,553 --> 00:08:02,007
and I have two boys...
112
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Bodhi and Gabriel.
113
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,710
Gabriel?
114
00:08:14,601 --> 00:08:15,879
Gabriel?
115
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,623
Right. Okay.
116
00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,706
Uh...
117
00:08:21,707 --> 00:08:23,040
how old?
118
00:08:23,041 --> 00:08:24,642
Bodhi's six, and...
119
00:08:24,643 --> 00:08:25,710
Gabriel's a year.
120
00:08:25,711 --> 00:08:26,728
- Ben.
- Look, I know.
121
00:08:26,729 --> 00:08:28,413
I know it sounds bad.
122
00:08:28,414 --> 00:08:30,915
My wife and I, we talked already.
123
00:08:30,916 --> 00:08:32,483
Look, we agreed, this isn't the life
124
00:08:32,484 --> 00:08:33,918
that either of us wants.
125
00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:35,853
And we'd be happier with other people.
126
00:08:35,854 --> 00:08:38,406
We'll be better parents to our boys.
127
00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:41,521
I love you.
128
00:08:43,746 --> 00:08:45,508
That's what I came here to say.
129
00:08:49,379 --> 00:08:50,790
Say something.
130
00:08:52,588 --> 00:08:54,909
Thank you for finally telling me.
131
00:08:55,373 --> 00:08:57,374
- That's it?
- What do you want me to say?
132
00:08:57,375 --> 00:08:58,475
I don't know, uh...
133
00:08:58,476 --> 00:08:59,719
you forgive me.
134
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,000
- Doesn't matter. You love me, too.
- Oh, it does matter.
135
00:09:03,068 --> 00:09:04,401
And I don't forgive you.
136
00:09:04,402 --> 00:09:06,245
And how can I tell you I love you?
137
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,938
I don't even know you.
138
00:09:07,939 --> 00:09:09,957
Mmm. Yeah.
139
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:12,626
Right.
140
00:09:19,435 --> 00:09:20,497
Wait.
141
00:09:22,471 --> 00:09:24,838
I have something I want
to say to you, too.
142
00:09:25,656 --> 00:09:26,689
Okay.
143
00:09:26,690 --> 00:09:28,323
- You're a shit.
- I know.
144
00:09:28,324 --> 00:09:29,555
You treated me badly.
145
00:09:29,556 --> 00:09:30,825
I did.
146
00:09:30,826 --> 00:09:32,459
I was honest with you.
147
00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:33,907
I told you who I am.
148
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:35,901
I didn't lie to you.
149
00:09:35,902 --> 00:09:37,264
You lied to me.
150
00:09:37,265 --> 00:09:38,308
Yeah.
151
00:09:38,941 --> 00:09:40,021
Why?
152
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,815
I screwed up.
153
00:09:43,656 --> 00:09:45,085
I'm weak.
154
00:09:47,352 --> 00:09:50,887
Ben, I am sorry you broke
up with your wife.
155
00:09:52,398 --> 00:09:55,182
I am sorry, most of all, for your kids.
156
00:09:55,183 --> 00:09:57,132
And I am sorry that you and I
157
00:09:57,719 --> 00:10:01,605
never had a chance to see
where this could go.
158
00:10:02,888 --> 00:10:04,821
Because I really liked you.
159
00:10:06,144 --> 00:10:08,027
And I haven't felt this way about anyone
160
00:10:08,028 --> 00:10:09,879
in a really long time.
161
00:10:11,717 --> 00:10:12,987
But I am done
162
00:10:13,934 --> 00:10:16,032
being the woman you lie
to your wife about.
163
00:10:17,004 --> 00:10:20,106
I have lived this entire story before,
164
00:10:20,107 --> 00:10:21,775
and it doesn't end well,
165
00:10:21,776 --> 00:10:24,813
and I couldn't go through with it again,
166
00:10:24,814 --> 00:10:26,751
even if I wanted to.
167
00:10:30,048 --> 00:10:31,422
Do you understand?
168
00:10:32,782 --> 00:10:34,659
Of course I understand.
169
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:44,297
Um... should I...
170
00:10:44,298 --> 00:10:46,432
should I let myself out, or, uh...
171
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:47,605
Yeah.
172
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:49,984
Guess you should.
173
00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,768
You should get someone to fix that.
174
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:01,881
Yeah, I know.
175
00:11:01,882 --> 00:11:03,349
Called the plumber a couple of times.
176
00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:05,039
Just keeps standing me up.
177
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:10,753
I mean, I can fix it for
you right now if you want.
178
00:11:15,338 --> 00:11:16,445
Or not.
179
00:11:16,878 --> 00:11:18,263
No.
180
00:11:18,264 --> 00:11:19,781
Um...
181
00:11:20,985 --> 00:11:22,550
Thank you.
182
00:11:50,246 --> 00:11:51,528
- Ah.
- That's it.
183
00:11:51,529 --> 00:11:52,629
Oh.
184
00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:55,032
Seems like an old sink.
185
00:11:55,033 --> 00:11:57,325
I might as well just get under
there and tighten it up.
186
00:12:06,629 --> 00:12:08,788
Thank you so much for doing this.
187
00:12:08,789 --> 00:12:10,314
Yeah. No problem.
188
00:12:10,315 --> 00:12:11,865
This is fun for me.
189
00:12:15,405 --> 00:12:18,672
I-I could make you some dinner,
you know, before you go.
190
00:12:21,376 --> 00:12:22,743
Okay.
191
00:12:28,884 --> 00:12:30,283
Uh...
192
00:12:31,393 --> 00:12:34,003
Well, I have some eggs or...
193
00:12:35,707 --> 00:12:37,841
Uh...
194
00:12:37,842 --> 00:12:39,376
Uh, what are you doing?
195
00:12:39,377 --> 00:12:41,812
I'm going to make us something. Yeah.
196
00:12:41,813 --> 00:12:43,680
Well, no, I-I offered
to make you dinner.
197
00:12:43,681 --> 00:12:45,015
Yeah, and I appreciated that offer.
198
00:12:45,016 --> 00:12:47,017
Now, um, give me some space.
199
00:12:47,018 --> 00:12:48,652
Go pour yourself a glass of wine.
200
00:12:48,653 --> 00:12:49,802
Relax.
201
00:13:55,342 --> 00:13:57,236
Your wife is very beautiful.
202
00:14:02,743 --> 00:14:04,425
Yeah.
203
00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:06,077
She's definitely that.
204
00:14:09,777 --> 00:14:12,077
Did you really end it with her?
205
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,063
I swear.
206
00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:21,159
Did you tell her about me?
207
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,221
No.
208
00:14:24,026 --> 00:14:25,515
That just seemed cruel.
209
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,198
What did you say?
210
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,890
I said...
211
00:14:34,422 --> 00:14:37,652
I didn't love her anymore, and...
212
00:14:38,359 --> 00:14:40,630
she said she didn't love
me anymore, either.
213
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:54,025
Why? What happened between you two?
214
00:14:56,862 --> 00:14:58,528
I, uh...
215
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:02,332
I went to war.
216
00:15:06,058 --> 00:15:07,393
I just...
217
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:09,839
Changed me.
218
00:15:11,276 --> 00:15:13,532
I don't know how to describe
it any better than that.
219
00:15:15,091 --> 00:15:18,130
And Heidi, she was
raised by a single mom
220
00:15:18,131 --> 00:15:20,086
who couldn't make the rent, and, uh...
221
00:15:20,701 --> 00:15:22,655
she basically grew up in a car.
222
00:15:23,579 --> 00:15:26,150
She wanted a man, you
know... Capital "M."
223
00:15:26,576 --> 00:15:29,287
Someone to take care of her,
224
00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:32,444
be strong, make money,
225
00:15:32,445 --> 00:15:34,230
tell her she was pretty.
226
00:15:38,169 --> 00:15:40,469
She just didn't want to
have to worry anymore.
227
00:15:44,789 --> 00:15:46,789
That's who she thought she married.
228
00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:50,241
That's who we both thought I was.
229
00:15:52,916 --> 00:15:54,450
What changed?
230
00:15:59,223 --> 00:16:00,877
It was my, uh...
231
00:16:01,408 --> 00:16:04,255
second combat tour in
Afghanistan, and...
232
00:16:05,044 --> 00:16:07,179
I'd been deployed for 12 months,
233
00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:10,032
which is a ridiculous amount of time.
234
00:16:11,068 --> 00:16:12,751
And one day, we ran out of fuel
235
00:16:12,752 --> 00:16:14,886
for the generator on
our base, and, uh...
236
00:16:14,887 --> 00:16:17,823
I took out a Humvee with a few
of the guys from my platoon.
237
00:16:17,824 --> 00:16:20,237
It was just supposed to be a
simple resupply mission, but...
238
00:16:20,238 --> 00:16:21,759
we'd been given the wrong information,
239
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,107
and when we got there...
240
00:16:25,615 --> 00:16:27,612
...the fuel didn't exist.
241
00:16:30,053 --> 00:16:32,274
So we had to return empty-handed
242
00:16:32,275 --> 00:16:33,938
on the same road we had
traveled that morning,
243
00:16:33,939 --> 00:16:36,746
which is a stupid and
dangerous thing to do.
244
00:16:37,243 --> 00:16:39,844
I just had two weeks left on my tour,
245
00:16:39,845 --> 00:16:42,247
and all I could think about
was getting home to Heidi,
246
00:16:42,248 --> 00:16:43,586
a bath,
247
00:16:44,216 --> 00:16:45,983
a beer on our deck,
248
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:47,885
putting Bodhi to sleep
249
00:16:47,886 --> 00:16:50,551
and, uh, taking her
clothes off and, uh...
250
00:16:52,275 --> 00:16:53,375
Sorry.
251
00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:55,392
No.
252
00:16:55,393 --> 00:16:56,675
I understand.
253
00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:03,717
Anyway, um...
254
00:17:05,416 --> 00:17:06,603
Out of the corner of my eye,
255
00:17:06,604 --> 00:17:09,028
I could see these kids watching us
256
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,575
from the door of a building, and...
257
00:17:11,576 --> 00:17:13,824
It used to be a school,
but we bombed it.
258
00:17:14,308 --> 00:17:15,810
And, uh...
259
00:17:18,062 --> 00:17:19,647
My stomach just fell
260
00:17:20,982 --> 00:17:23,553
because I had seen those
same kids on the way out,
261
00:17:23,554 --> 00:17:25,670
and here they were again waiting for us.
262
00:17:29,498 --> 00:17:34,230
I just begged, "God, Jesus,
Mary, just let us pass.
263
00:17:34,231 --> 00:17:37,265
Keep those kids in the fucking rubble."
264
00:17:39,874 --> 00:17:41,252
One of them...
265
00:17:42,573 --> 00:17:44,255
he was tall.
266
00:17:44,609 --> 00:17:46,841
Had to be 13 or 14.
267
00:17:48,464 --> 00:17:50,814
Sure enough, he came running towards us
268
00:17:50,815 --> 00:17:53,016
with what looked like a weapon.
269
00:17:53,017 --> 00:17:55,866
And he raised it, and I
realized it was an RPG.
270
00:17:57,059 --> 00:17:58,355
Before he could pull the trigger,
271
00:17:58,356 --> 00:17:59,789
I pulled mine, and...
272
00:17:59,790 --> 00:18:01,308
he fell.
273
00:18:04,445 --> 00:18:05,962
You killed him?
274
00:18:05,963 --> 00:18:07,233
Yeah.
275
00:18:11,732 --> 00:18:14,468
His weapon wasn't real.
276
00:18:16,073 --> 00:18:17,244
What do you mean?
277
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,045
"RPG" stands for
"rocket-propelled grenade."
278
00:18:22,046 --> 00:18:23,980
It's like a gun that shoots a grenade.
279
00:18:23,981 --> 00:18:25,223
And, uh...
280
00:18:27,630 --> 00:18:29,551
Well, the one he was
holding, it wasn't...
281
00:18:30,054 --> 00:18:31,969
didn't have a grenade attached.
282
00:18:34,375 --> 00:18:35,555
It was old.
283
00:18:36,192 --> 00:18:37,934
It was essentially a toy.
284
00:18:41,748 --> 00:18:44,674
What, you killed an unarmed kid?
285
00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:46,263
Yeah.
286
00:18:46,836 --> 00:18:48,711
Where do you... where do
you keep your plates?
287
00:18:52,986 --> 00:18:54,283
Uh, um...
288
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:56,744
just here.
289
00:19:47,913 --> 00:19:50,022
So that's what you walk around with?
290
00:19:50,464 --> 00:19:51,674
Every day?
291
00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:02,143
When I got back home...
292
00:20:04,963 --> 00:20:06,772
I couldn't stand Heidi anymore.
293
00:20:10,535 --> 00:20:12,435
It wasn't her fault. It just...
294
00:20:13,335 --> 00:20:15,322
The way she looked at me.
295
00:20:16,689 --> 00:20:18,534
The way she needed me.
296
00:20:24,548 --> 00:20:26,348
One night, I, uh...
297
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:30,813
I got wasted, and...
298
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,672
I tied her to the bed on her stomach
299
00:20:33,673 --> 00:20:35,724
so I wouldn't have to look at her face.
300
00:20:40,196 --> 00:20:41,699
I wouldn't let her go.
301
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:45,700
Not even when Bodhi started to cry.
302
00:21:03,353 --> 00:21:06,521
I got clean soon after that, and, uh...
303
00:21:07,631 --> 00:21:09,764
I haven't touched a drink since.
304
00:21:10,993 --> 00:21:12,860
I haven't touched her, either.
305
00:21:22,305 --> 00:21:23,555
You done?
306
00:21:23,556 --> 00:21:25,139
Uh, yeah.
307
00:21:40,556 --> 00:21:43,524
I haven't told anyone
what I just told you.
308
00:21:47,870 --> 00:21:49,536
That last part.
309
00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:54,217
But I think about it all the time.
310
00:21:54,218 --> 00:21:56,774
Just... people I've hurt,
311
00:21:57,466 --> 00:21:58,968
lives I've ruined.
312
00:22:01,510 --> 00:22:03,829
All I want is to somehow be forgiven.
313
00:22:07,715 --> 00:22:10,048
I know that's not possible, so...
314
00:22:39,098 --> 00:22:40,403
You know, I have a...
315
00:22:40,842 --> 00:22:43,125
I have a rare day every so often
316
00:22:44,133 --> 00:22:47,653
where I feel a little more still inside.
317
00:22:49,095 --> 00:22:51,045
It's-it's usually in the late fall,
318
00:22:51,046 --> 00:22:53,198
when the summer people have gone and...
319
00:22:54,408 --> 00:22:57,001
I can hear the wind and the water,
320
00:22:57,679 --> 00:23:00,330
and the birds, nothing else.
321
00:23:01,669 --> 00:23:03,719
That's when my heart, like, hurts
322
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,926
for how beautiful it is out here.
323
00:23:08,008 --> 00:23:09,205
I want to...
324
00:23:10,638 --> 00:23:12,016
drink the air.
325
00:23:14,180 --> 00:23:15,947
Live in the sunsets.
326
00:23:20,186 --> 00:23:21,669
And then I...
327
00:23:21,670 --> 00:23:24,595
It's not that I feel forgiven exactly,
328
00:23:26,341 --> 00:23:28,974
but I feel at peace with what happened.
329
00:23:33,532 --> 00:23:34,849
What?
330
00:23:34,850 --> 00:23:36,618
Forgiven for what?
331
00:23:39,038 --> 00:23:41,503
I mean, what happened to
your son wasn't your fault.
332
00:23:44,243 --> 00:23:45,353
Was it?
333
00:23:46,879 --> 00:23:48,093
Yeah.
334
00:23:49,236 --> 00:23:52,248
How? I thought your
husband was with him.
335
00:23:55,053 --> 00:23:57,227
No, he-he didn't drown in the water.
336
00:23:59,258 --> 00:24:01,175
Um, he had fluid in his lungs,
337
00:24:01,176 --> 00:24:03,393
and I didn't take him to the hospital.
338
00:24:05,030 --> 00:24:06,862
He drowned in his sleep.
339
00:24:08,867 --> 00:24:09,988
That can happen?
340
00:24:10,468 --> 00:24:11,542
Mm-hmm.
341
00:24:12,399 --> 00:24:14,411
It's called secondary drowning.
342
00:24:16,509 --> 00:24:18,023
I never heard of it.
343
00:24:19,711 --> 00:24:21,661
He seemed fine, and then at night,
344
00:24:21,662 --> 00:24:24,922
he vomited, had diarrhea.
345
00:24:26,951 --> 00:24:29,259
He said his shoulder hurt, and...
346
00:24:30,270 --> 00:24:32,338
Cole wanted me to take
him to the hospital,
347
00:24:32,339 --> 00:24:34,915
but I-I was... I was mad at Cole.
348
00:24:36,207 --> 00:24:38,275
Because he had spent the whole day
349
00:24:38,276 --> 00:24:39,426
flirting with Jocelyn.
350
00:24:39,427 --> 00:24:40,446
It was just...
351
00:24:40,447 --> 00:24:41,547
And...
352
00:24:45,670 --> 00:24:48,086
I was a nurse, you know.
I thought I knew better.
353
00:24:54,445 --> 00:24:56,245
In the morning, he was gray.
354
00:24:58,553 --> 00:25:00,399
He died without making a sound.
355
00:25:05,656 --> 00:25:07,005
Jesus.
356
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,133
Sorry.
357
00:25:10,102 --> 00:25:12,136
Maybe you didn't want to know all that.
358
00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:14,204
Of course I did.
359
00:25:15,899 --> 00:25:17,015
I do.
360
00:25:29,411 --> 00:25:31,321
I've had this, um...
361
00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:34,892
recurring dream lately,
362
00:25:36,577 --> 00:25:38,312
where I'm talking to Gabriel.
363
00:25:39,888 --> 00:25:42,650
And, um, he's a teenager.
364
00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:46,295
And I'm sitting on the
edge of his bed, and...
365
00:25:46,844 --> 00:25:48,447
His little mustache.
366
00:25:49,406 --> 00:25:50,822
And his feet smell.
367
00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:53,661
He's listening to music.
368
00:25:55,338 --> 00:25:57,581
And he keeps saying, "Go away, Mom.
369
00:25:58,165 --> 00:25:59,667
Leave me alone."
370
00:26:00,968 --> 00:26:02,901
I know that's what he needs.
371
00:26:04,780 --> 00:26:06,029
I just can't.
372
00:26:06,030 --> 00:26:08,349
I can't leave.
373
00:26:10,118 --> 00:26:12,739
Keeps telling me to go, and
I just can't get off...
374
00:26:13,597 --> 00:26:14,932
off the bed.
375
00:26:21,963 --> 00:26:23,829
And he's so angry at me.
376
00:26:25,059 --> 00:26:27,123
And his skin is still so gray.
377
00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:37,710
Anyway...
378
00:26:39,914 --> 00:26:42,298
You know, some days, I'm-I'm proud
379
00:26:42,299 --> 00:26:44,019
of the life that I've built.
380
00:26:44,534 --> 00:26:47,736
You know, I have my daughter
and my career, and...
381
00:26:47,737 --> 00:26:50,050
I've grown, persevered.
382
00:26:55,274 --> 00:26:57,541
And I think he'd be proud of me, too.
383
00:26:59,232 --> 00:27:02,083
And then sometimes, it just
feels like a giant charade,
384
00:27:02,084 --> 00:27:03,785
and I'm still the same
385
00:27:03,786 --> 00:27:05,954
broken person I was at the hospital,
386
00:27:05,955 --> 00:27:08,377
the same empty shell at his funeral,
387
00:27:09,194 --> 00:27:11,493
and this is all a joke I've
been playing on myself.
388
00:27:11,494 --> 00:27:15,140
This life that I am trying to live.
389
00:27:21,073 --> 00:27:22,639
No, I...
390
00:28:13,688 --> 00:28:15,289
What are you doing?
391
00:28:15,290 --> 00:28:17,307
What's it look like I'm doing?
392
00:28:18,444 --> 00:28:20,277
I want you to dance with me.
393
00:28:25,830 --> 00:28:28,131
Come on. It's my favorite song.
394
00:28:44,966 --> 00:28:47,154
What happens to people like us?
395
00:28:47,761 --> 00:28:49,244
What do you mean?
396
00:28:51,043 --> 00:28:53,148
The ones who can't be forgiven.
397
00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:57,219
The shrinks will say we
have to forgive ourselves.
398
00:29:00,776 --> 00:29:02,140
I can't.
399
00:29:05,489 --> 00:29:08,622
But if you don't, if you don't, then...
400
00:29:09,442 --> 00:29:11,275
what's the rest of your life?
401
00:29:11,683 --> 00:29:13,168
One long penance?
402
00:29:17,484 --> 00:29:20,634
My mom believes that
we live multiple lives
403
00:29:21,188 --> 00:29:23,255
and that each one is a step toward,
404
00:29:23,256 --> 00:29:25,806
you know, nirvana, I guess.
405
00:29:27,412 --> 00:29:28,767
Perfection.
406
00:29:30,847 --> 00:29:33,589
We just keep coming back
until we get it right.
407
00:29:37,946 --> 00:29:40,871
Maybe this is as far as
I come in this life.
408
00:29:43,852 --> 00:29:47,119
So you're just waiting to die?
409
00:29:49,691 --> 00:29:51,164
Aren't you?
410
00:29:52,691 --> 00:29:54,752
If you're really being
honest with yourself?
411
00:29:59,491 --> 00:30:01,393
No.
412
00:30:05,030 --> 00:30:06,397
I want to live.
413
00:30:22,465 --> 00:30:24,081
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
414
00:30:24,082 --> 00:30:25,482
- No. Wait.
- No. Don't think...
415
00:30:25,483 --> 00:30:26,751
What do you want?
416
00:30:26,752 --> 00:30:29,637
Alison, you tell me.
417
00:30:31,726 --> 00:30:33,626
I'll do whatever you want.
418
00:30:35,912 --> 00:30:38,812
Alison, what do you want?
419
00:30:54,230 --> 00:30:55,476
Let's go to your bedroom.
420
00:30:55,477 --> 00:30:56,662
No, no, no, no, no.
421
00:30:58,334 --> 00:31:00,000
I have a better idea.
422
00:31:21,656 --> 00:31:23,106
Wait, wait, wait.
423
00:31:24,774 --> 00:31:27,210
Don't mess with my heart, okay?
424
00:31:27,211 --> 00:31:28,994
I can't handle any more pain.
425
00:31:29,834 --> 00:31:31,089
I know.
426
00:31:31,715 --> 00:31:32,878
I won't.
427
00:31:33,317 --> 00:31:34,518
Promise?
428
00:31:36,538 --> 00:31:38,053
I promise.
429
00:31:57,391 --> 00:31:58,873
You know what I want?
430
00:31:58,874 --> 00:31:59,918
What?
431
00:32:01,157 --> 00:32:02,379
This.
432
00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:04,517
For days.
433
00:32:05,266 --> 00:32:06,603
Forever.
434
00:32:09,755 --> 00:32:11,407
Well, maybe you'll get it.
435
00:32:21,727 --> 00:32:23,197
I want to go clean up.
436
00:32:23,198 --> 00:32:24,832
No, no, not yet.
437
00:32:24,833 --> 00:32:26,167
No.
438
00:32:26,168 --> 00:32:27,445
I'm tired.
439
00:32:28,070 --> 00:32:30,599
Let me do the dishes, and
then we can go to bed.
440
00:32:35,394 --> 00:32:36,496
Okay.
441
00:34:01,796 --> 00:34:03,011
Ow!
442
00:34:34,728 --> 00:34:36,246
Hi.
443
00:34:37,448 --> 00:34:38,963
Hi.
444
00:34:38,964 --> 00:34:40,031
Can I come in?
445
00:34:40,032 --> 00:34:42,384
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
446
00:34:45,521 --> 00:34:47,320
Didn't you hear me knocking?
447
00:34:48,091 --> 00:34:49,974
Uh, no, uh...
448
00:34:49,975 --> 00:34:51,576
Sorry, I had the music up.
449
00:34:56,133 --> 00:34:57,649
What happened to your hand?
450
00:34:57,650 --> 00:34:59,351
- Uh, it's fine. It's...
- You okay? Let me see.
451
00:34:59,352 --> 00:35:01,119
No, it's fine. It's just,
I need a Band-Aid.
452
00:35:02,888 --> 00:35:04,389
You know, a stubborn streak like that
453
00:35:04,390 --> 00:35:05,929
will get you killed in combat.
454
00:35:26,429 --> 00:35:27,578
So?
455
00:35:27,579 --> 00:35:28,679
So.
456
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:29,980
So, what happened to you?
457
00:35:29,981 --> 00:35:31,022
Why'd you stand me up?
458
00:35:31,023 --> 00:35:32,883
I went to L.A. for the weekend.
459
00:35:32,884 --> 00:35:34,102
Why?
460
00:35:34,788 --> 00:35:36,219
To visit a friend.
461
00:35:36,220 --> 00:35:38,522
You didn't call and tell
me you changed your plans?
462
00:35:38,523 --> 00:35:40,190
I mean, I waited outside
that yoga studio
463
00:35:40,191 --> 00:35:41,514
for an hour, Alison.
464
00:35:43,478 --> 00:35:44,660
Why don't you sit?
465
00:35:44,661 --> 00:35:47,562
Um, I'll make us some tea.
466
00:35:52,976 --> 00:35:55,071
I thought we were going out to dinner.
467
00:35:55,072 --> 00:35:58,408
No, I just wanted to talk
to you for a bit first.
468
00:35:58,409 --> 00:35:59,977
I'm really hungry.
469
00:35:59,978 --> 00:36:01,311
Won't take long.
470
00:36:01,312 --> 00:36:04,235
Um, let me take your wet coat.
471
00:36:23,017 --> 00:36:24,767
So, about the other night, I...
472
00:36:24,768 --> 00:36:27,586
Before you talk, can I
say something first?
473
00:36:29,423 --> 00:36:30,957
Of course.
474
00:36:32,961 --> 00:36:35,427
Uh, you can't do stuff like that to me.
475
00:36:37,131 --> 00:36:39,100
- Stuff like what?
- Stand me up.
476
00:36:39,101 --> 00:36:40,516
Not call me for four days.
477
00:36:40,517 --> 00:36:42,802
I mean, it's taken a lot
for me to trust you.
478
00:36:42,803 --> 00:36:45,453
Okay, I'm making myself really
vulnerable here, you know?
479
00:36:49,095 --> 00:36:51,946
Uh, yeah, yeah, I-I know. I...
480
00:36:51,947 --> 00:36:53,903
Okay. Good.
481
00:36:54,330 --> 00:36:57,006
I... I just had to say that.
482
00:36:58,283 --> 00:36:59,843
What do you want to talk about?
483
00:37:09,256 --> 00:37:11,123
Alison, what's going on?
484
00:37:12,452 --> 00:37:13,898
Are you okay?
485
00:37:15,104 --> 00:37:17,070
Uh, yeah, I just wanted
to ask some questions.
486
00:37:17,071 --> 00:37:18,319
I just...
487
00:37:19,274 --> 00:37:20,874
You know, it occurred
to me we don't really
488
00:37:20,875 --> 00:37:22,415
know that much about each other.
489
00:37:23,704 --> 00:37:25,701
Yeah, like, uh, I had no idea
490
00:37:25,702 --> 00:37:27,354
you knew anyone in California.
491
00:37:29,447 --> 00:37:30,665
Of course.
492
00:37:32,100 --> 00:37:34,252
What do you want to talk
about? I'll tell you anything.
493
00:37:36,701 --> 00:37:39,048
Okay. Okay.
494
00:37:42,541 --> 00:37:43,808
Um...
495
00:37:45,417 --> 00:37:47,050
Where'd you grow up?
496
00:37:49,100 --> 00:37:50,515
The Bronx.
497
00:37:51,395 --> 00:37:52,962
What's your family like?
498
00:37:54,308 --> 00:37:57,019
I'm, uh, the third of four.
499
00:37:57,020 --> 00:37:58,467
Four boys and a girl.
500
00:38:00,419 --> 00:38:02,000
Where are your parents?
501
00:38:02,001 --> 00:38:04,171
My dad still lives on 186th,
502
00:38:04,172 --> 00:38:06,034
and my mom is dead.
503
00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:09,205
She died of leukemia when I was 21.
504
00:38:11,809 --> 00:38:13,559
- Sorry. I...
- It's okay.
505
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,445
Um, anything else?
506
00:38:16,488 --> 00:38:19,156
Um, yeah. Where do you live now?
507
00:38:20,525 --> 00:38:22,274
Hicksville, but you know that already.
508
00:38:22,275 --> 00:38:23,360
Who do you live with?
509
00:38:23,868 --> 00:38:25,136
What?
510
00:38:25,137 --> 00:38:26,838
- What do you mean?
- Do you have
511
00:38:26,839 --> 00:38:29,508
a roommate or, you know, family, any...?
512
00:38:29,509 --> 00:38:31,208
Wh-Where are these
questions coming from?
513
00:38:31,209 --> 00:38:32,788
I'm just... just curious. It's just...
514
00:38:32,789 --> 00:38:35,141
- This have to do with Cole?
- Cole? What? No.
515
00:38:35,142 --> 00:38:36,848
You know what's fucked-up
about that guy?
516
00:38:36,849 --> 00:38:38,983
- About Cole?
- Yeah, he-he came
517
00:38:38,984 --> 00:38:40,739
to an AA meeting, but he's
not an addict, is he?
518
00:38:40,740 --> 00:38:42,987
- Not that I'm aware of, no.
- Well, that's bullshit.
519
00:38:42,988 --> 00:38:44,847
Well, I'm sure he had a good
reason for being there.
520
00:38:44,848 --> 00:38:46,991
It's a little perverse, don't you think?
521
00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,727
Those meetings are vulnerable spaces.
522
00:38:48,728 --> 00:38:50,343
The guys really have
to trust each other.
523
00:38:52,035 --> 00:38:54,017
I-I'm happy to keep talking.
524
00:38:54,018 --> 00:38:56,237
I just need something to
eat. I'm really starving.
525
00:38:57,259 --> 00:38:59,698
Uh, sure. I-I can make you
526
00:38:59,699 --> 00:39:01,672
some eggs or...
527
00:39:01,673 --> 00:39:03,007
uh, maybe some...
528
00:39:03,008 --> 00:39:04,209
I have, uh...
529
00:39:04,210 --> 00:39:05,443
crackers and cheese?
530
00:39:05,444 --> 00:39:06,661
Yeah, yeah, anything.
531
00:39:34,699 --> 00:39:36,133
Have you ever been married?
532
00:39:38,260 --> 00:39:39,943
Why are you asking me that?
533
00:39:39,944 --> 00:39:41,117
It's just a question.
534
00:39:41,118 --> 00:39:43,056
What happened in California?
535
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,407
Who's this friend you went to go see?
536
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:50,054
Went to see my ex-husband.
537
00:39:52,426 --> 00:39:54,894
Okay. How'd that go?
538
00:39:54,895 --> 00:39:56,306
Fine.
539
00:39:56,307 --> 00:39:58,433
Well, he must have said
something that upset you.
540
00:39:58,434 --> 00:40:00,352
No, that's not what this is about.
541
00:40:01,363 --> 00:40:02,758
Are you sure?
542
00:40:03,180 --> 00:40:05,181
It just seemed like everything
was fine last week,
543
00:40:05,182 --> 00:40:07,684
and then you stand me
up, flee to California
544
00:40:07,685 --> 00:40:09,687
and talk to your ex?
545
00:40:09,688 --> 00:40:11,740
Suddenly, I'm the bad guy?
546
00:40:18,945 --> 00:40:20,879
Ben, are you married?
547
00:40:23,651 --> 00:40:25,882
Why would I be here if I was married?
548
00:40:32,133 --> 00:40:33,452
Have you ever...
549
00:40:34,083 --> 00:40:35,782
Have you ever been married?
550
00:40:35,783 --> 00:40:37,652
- No.
- Do you live alone?
551
00:40:37,653 --> 00:40:39,272
Yes.
552
00:40:50,584 --> 00:40:52,100
Do you have kids?
553
00:40:53,802 --> 00:40:54,952
No.
554
00:41:02,275 --> 00:41:04,045
What kind of tea do you want?
555
00:41:28,487 --> 00:41:30,487
I don't want tea.
556
00:41:34,073 --> 00:41:35,350
Hey.
557
00:41:39,398 --> 00:41:41,265
What's going on?
558
00:41:42,093 --> 00:41:43,259
What happened?
559
00:41:44,519 --> 00:41:46,453
You don't trust me anymore.
560
00:41:56,001 --> 00:41:58,307
This thing that's happening between us
561
00:41:59,534 --> 00:42:01,669
doesn't happen to me all the time.
562
00:42:02,270 --> 00:42:03,629
Does it happen to you?
563
00:42:14,048 --> 00:42:16,599
So, why are you trying to fuck it up?
564
00:42:26,371 --> 00:42:28,071
You don't even know me, Ben.
565
00:42:28,995 --> 00:42:30,696
Yes, I do.
566
00:42:30,697 --> 00:42:32,449
And I don't know you.
567
00:42:55,218 --> 00:42:58,202
I-I've been in love twice in my life.
568
00:42:58,810 --> 00:43:00,521
- Am I one of them?
- No.
569
00:43:01,978 --> 00:43:03,729
Okay. Your two exes, I assume.
570
00:43:03,730 --> 00:43:04,791
Yes.
571
00:43:05,458 --> 00:43:06,831
They were really different loves,
572
00:43:06,832 --> 00:43:08,544
but they had something in common.
573
00:43:09,886 --> 00:43:11,903
I-I felt kind of like the victim
574
00:43:11,904 --> 00:43:13,257
in both situations.
575
00:43:17,828 --> 00:43:18,877
Okay.
576
00:43:18,878 --> 00:43:20,181
How so?
577
00:43:22,866 --> 00:43:26,167
Well, my... with my first,
with Cole, I was...
578
00:43:27,304 --> 00:43:28,920
I was always a mess.
579
00:43:28,921 --> 00:43:32,068
He was always the solid one, and
I was always falling apart.
580
00:43:33,092 --> 00:43:36,322
And I convinced myself that
he would one day cheat on me.
581
00:43:37,229 --> 00:43:39,617
So, instead, I... I cheated on him.
582
00:43:41,617 --> 00:43:45,270
And even after it was
over, I still told myself
583
00:43:45,271 --> 00:43:46,666
that he was to blame.
584
00:43:47,907 --> 00:43:50,841
I told myself that he
had driven me to do it
585
00:43:50,842 --> 00:43:53,296
because he was so unfeeling, so rigid.
586
00:43:53,297 --> 00:43:55,213
After our son died, he...
587
00:43:55,214 --> 00:43:57,515
he made me carry the
grief for both of us,
588
00:43:57,516 --> 00:43:59,382
so what choice did I have, really?
589
00:43:59,383 --> 00:44:00,650
- You didn't.
- Then, with Noah,
590
00:44:00,651 --> 00:44:02,185
it was the opposite. He was the dreamer.
591
00:44:02,186 --> 00:44:04,121
He was the dramatic one.
He... I was the homebody.
592
00:44:04,122 --> 00:44:07,124
He said that I grounded him,
and yet I cheated on him, too.
593
00:44:08,610 --> 00:44:12,429
And yet again, I convinced myself
594
00:44:12,430 --> 00:44:13,730
that I was not to blame,
595
00:44:13,731 --> 00:44:16,466
because he had abandoned me
for his career, his ambition,
596
00:44:16,467 --> 00:44:19,102
so... what else could I do?
597
00:44:19,103 --> 00:44:21,404
Okay. What are you trying to say?
598
00:44:21,405 --> 00:44:24,107
I-I-I just... I just think
that sometimes we get
599
00:44:24,108 --> 00:44:27,377
into these patterns in life,
and we tell ourselves a story
600
00:44:27,378 --> 00:44:29,146
about what kind of person we are
601
00:44:29,147 --> 00:44:33,004
and how people treat us,
and it's not always true.
602
00:44:34,030 --> 00:44:37,353
And... and as painful
as it's been to really
603
00:44:37,354 --> 00:44:39,903
own up to my faults and
to recognize that...
604
00:44:40,995 --> 00:44:43,726
I contributed to these
relationships falling apart,
605
00:44:43,727 --> 00:44:44,728
it's also...
606
00:44:46,464 --> 00:44:47,935
it's been really...
607
00:44:55,550 --> 00:44:58,596
Made me like myself in a way
that I never did before.
608
00:45:08,669 --> 00:45:09,967
Ben?
609
00:45:18,712 --> 00:45:21,013
Ben, please just be honest with me.
610
00:45:22,123 --> 00:45:23,429
I can take it.
611
00:45:39,934 --> 00:45:42,068
Just tell me who you are.
612
00:45:43,770 --> 00:45:45,434
Tell me the truth.
613
00:46:07,300 --> 00:46:09,086
You want to know who I am?
614
00:46:10,230 --> 00:46:11,429
Hmm?
615
00:46:12,967 --> 00:46:14,633
Really?
616
00:46:15,435 --> 00:46:16,901
Yes.
617
00:46:20,532 --> 00:46:22,515
Okay. All right.
618
00:46:24,386 --> 00:46:26,002
You...
619
00:46:29,349 --> 00:46:31,332
What are you doing?
620
00:46:31,333 --> 00:46:33,684
I'm gonna need a drink for this.
621
00:46:36,136 --> 00:46:37,294
Ben, don't.
622
00:46:38,340 --> 00:46:40,091
It's fine, Alison.
623
00:46:52,905 --> 00:46:54,918
I haven't told you what I did, have I?
624
00:46:56,017 --> 00:46:57,523
What do you mean?
625
00:46:59,331 --> 00:47:00,672
During the war.
626
00:47:03,783 --> 00:47:04,905
No.
627
00:47:05,467 --> 00:47:06,767
Are you comfortable?
628
00:47:06,768 --> 00:47:08,002
Maybe you should sit.
629
00:47:08,003 --> 00:47:09,894
I'm fine.
630
00:47:11,243 --> 00:47:12,759
Good.
631
00:47:13,187 --> 00:47:14,971
This may take a while.
632
00:47:19,398 --> 00:47:21,181
I was deployed for too long.
633
00:47:21,182 --> 00:47:22,719
Only four months home.
634
00:47:23,274 --> 00:47:25,385
Half of which I spent
in the fucking hospital
635
00:47:25,386 --> 00:47:29,123
because a fucking IED took
off both my buddy's legs
636
00:47:29,124 --> 00:47:30,723
and all the skin off mine.
637
00:47:33,445 --> 00:47:35,753
But then I was right
back in the sandbox.
638
00:47:36,831 --> 00:47:38,999
I mean, I barely had
time to visit my father
639
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,800
before they shipped me back out.
640
00:47:42,839 --> 00:47:44,671
Six months into my second deployment,
641
00:47:44,672 --> 00:47:46,673
I didn't give a shit anymore.
642
00:47:46,674 --> 00:47:47,841
I was done.
643
00:47:47,842 --> 00:47:49,276
All the other guys, they were all,
644
00:47:49,277 --> 00:47:51,044
"Oh, I'm part of a machine
that never loses.
645
00:47:51,045 --> 00:47:52,279
I'm a U.S. Marine."
646
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,581
I was like, "We're losing, assholes.
647
00:47:54,582 --> 00:47:56,332
We fucking lost."
648
00:47:59,777 --> 00:48:01,112
Everyone knew it.
649
00:48:01,721 --> 00:48:03,214
Even the president knew it.
650
00:48:03,823 --> 00:48:06,342
But there I was again, back in the shit.
651
00:48:06,867 --> 00:48:08,528
More counter-insurgency nonsense,
652
00:48:08,529 --> 00:48:10,705
where they can shoot us
but we can't shoot them.
653
00:48:12,123 --> 00:48:13,899
Ben, stop.
654
00:48:13,900 --> 00:48:17,019
Let me finish, please.
655
00:48:20,558 --> 00:48:21,840
We took a Humvee
656
00:48:21,841 --> 00:48:23,988
out of the base one morning to get fuel.
657
00:48:23,989 --> 00:48:25,610
It was a stupid thing to do.
658
00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,822
It was one of those orders
that comes from above.
659
00:48:29,082 --> 00:48:32,116
Everyone knows it's a
fucking suicide mission,
660
00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:34,787
and I was like, "Let it come.
661
00:48:35,479 --> 00:48:37,455
If I can't go home in an airplane,
662
00:48:37,456 --> 00:48:39,150
then I'll go home in a casket."
663
00:48:44,654 --> 00:48:46,006
This kid...
664
00:48:47,066 --> 00:48:50,551
he came running towards
us with a burnt-out RPG.
665
00:48:50,552 --> 00:48:53,537
He must have found it
discarded somewhere, and...
666
00:48:53,538 --> 00:48:55,015
and he pointed it at me.
667
00:48:56,008 --> 00:48:57,918
He was just playing around.
668
00:48:59,668 --> 00:49:01,013
But I killed him.
669
00:49:02,114 --> 00:49:03,299
You what?
670
00:49:05,921 --> 00:49:07,678
Yeah. I shot him.
671
00:49:09,906 --> 00:49:11,388
Wait.
672
00:49:11,389 --> 00:49:13,425
But you knew he was unarmed.
673
00:49:13,926 --> 00:49:15,144
Yeah.
674
00:49:17,580 --> 00:49:19,775
Yeah, I mean, there was
no grenade attached.
675
00:49:19,776 --> 00:49:21,394
I could see that.
676
00:49:22,285 --> 00:49:23,914
But you shot him anyway?
677
00:49:27,356 --> 00:49:28,465
Yes.
678
00:49:31,861 --> 00:49:32,973
Why?
679
00:49:35,799 --> 00:49:37,936
I think I just wanted to go home.
680
00:49:44,364 --> 00:49:45,716
So there.
681
00:49:46,688 --> 00:49:47,977
Now you know me.
682
00:49:48,826 --> 00:49:50,638
That's who I am.
683
00:49:54,536 --> 00:49:55,865
Are you sorry?
684
00:49:55,866 --> 00:49:57,443
Of course I'm sorry.
685
00:49:59,054 --> 00:50:01,071
But it wasn't my fucking fault.
686
00:50:01,072 --> 00:50:02,941
That kid was old enough to
know what he was doing.
687
00:50:02,942 --> 00:50:05,209
He shouldn't have been
playing with a fucking gun.
688
00:50:05,210 --> 00:50:07,260
But you knew it wasn't an actual weapon.
689
00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:09,256
So, why'd you do it?
690
00:50:12,046 --> 00:50:14,749
Why do you kill an ant, Alison?
691
00:50:14,750 --> 00:50:16,152
Why do you kill a mouse?
692
00:50:16,907 --> 00:50:19,747
Because you don't fucking want
it running around your house.
693
00:50:19,748 --> 00:50:22,034
Because you don't want it bothering you.
694
00:50:30,938 --> 00:50:31,974
Okay.
695
00:50:43,965 --> 00:50:45,463
Ben, it's getting late.
696
00:50:47,093 --> 00:50:48,943
I think maybe I should go to bed.
697
00:50:48,944 --> 00:50:50,946
Fantastic. I'll join you.
698
00:50:50,947 --> 00:50:52,882
No, I-I want to be alone.
699
00:50:52,883 --> 00:50:54,051
Why?
700
00:50:54,987 --> 00:50:58,092
I-I'm just... it's
just been a long week,
701
00:50:58,093 --> 00:51:00,295
- and I'm... I'm really tired.
- Tired of fucking your
702
00:51:00,296 --> 00:51:01,896
- ex-husband in California?
- Oh, my God, no.
703
00:51:01,897 --> 00:51:03,332
- That's not what happened.
- Come on, Alison.
704
00:51:03,333 --> 00:51:04,766
Okay, you don't have to believe me.
705
00:51:04,767 --> 00:51:06,067
Good, because I don't.
706
00:51:06,068 --> 00:51:07,969
Okay, Ben, I just want you to go.
707
00:51:09,772 --> 00:51:11,427
What's going on?
708
00:51:13,207 --> 00:51:14,480
Last week was fine.
709
00:51:14,481 --> 00:51:17,199
You go to California, you
come back a different person.
710
00:51:17,941 --> 00:51:19,693
I'm a different person? What about you?
711
00:51:19,694 --> 00:51:21,382
- I mean...
- This is who I am.
712
00:51:21,383 --> 00:51:24,452
This is who I've always been.
You're just peeling the onion.
713
00:51:24,453 --> 00:51:27,755
Yeah, but you didn't tell
me that you're, uh...
714
00:51:27,756 --> 00:51:29,824
What? What, I didn't tell you
715
00:51:29,825 --> 00:51:31,226
what happened in the sandbox?
716
00:51:31,227 --> 00:51:32,894
I'm sorry, I was building up to that.
717
00:51:32,895 --> 00:51:34,295
It's not exactly first-date material.
718
00:51:34,296 --> 00:51:35,763
- No, you didn't tell me that...
- What?
719
00:51:35,764 --> 00:51:38,099
Nothing, okay? I just want you to leave.
720
00:51:38,100 --> 00:51:39,565
I don't want this.
721
00:51:39,566 --> 00:51:41,618
You don't want what?
722
00:51:44,024 --> 00:51:45,523
You don't want this?
723
00:51:51,697 --> 00:51:53,263
Or this?
724
00:52:03,508 --> 00:52:05,209
No.
725
00:52:09,381 --> 00:52:11,148
Please go.
726
00:52:21,923 --> 00:52:24,541
I can't believe you're doing this.
727
00:52:25,145 --> 00:52:29,031
Why are you fucking doing this?
728
00:52:40,912 --> 00:52:44,196
Ben, please, I...
729
00:52:44,577 --> 00:52:46,146
I just need a minute.
730
00:52:46,699 --> 00:52:48,450
Okay?
731
00:52:52,372 --> 00:52:55,391
I need you, Alison.
732
00:52:57,207 --> 00:52:59,011
I'm in so much pain.
733
00:53:13,510 --> 00:53:15,443
I know it scares you.
734
00:53:16,235 --> 00:53:17,821
It scares me, too,
735
00:53:17,822 --> 00:53:19,416
but we could be good together.
736
00:53:20,884 --> 00:53:22,658
I know.
737
00:53:27,377 --> 00:53:28,785
You can do this.
738
00:53:31,628 --> 00:53:34,545
Yes, you can. We both can.
739
00:53:34,546 --> 00:53:36,431
- We both can.
- No.
740
00:53:37,634 --> 00:53:39,924
I need you so badly.
741
00:53:39,925 --> 00:53:42,303
I just need this.
742
00:53:43,907 --> 00:53:45,690
I need this, Alison. I need you.
743
00:53:45,691 --> 00:53:46,957
You need to go home.
744
00:53:46,958 --> 00:53:48,125
Just give me a minute.
745
00:53:48,126 --> 00:53:49,694
- Please. No.
- Just give me a minute.
746
00:53:49,695 --> 00:53:51,394
Just go home to your fucking wife.
747
00:53:54,684 --> 00:53:56,175
Go home to who?
748
00:53:58,586 --> 00:53:59,835
What did you say?
749
00:54:04,008 --> 00:54:05,942
What do you know about my wife, Alison?
750
00:54:05,943 --> 00:54:07,211
I met her, you asshole.
751
00:54:07,212 --> 00:54:08,328
You what?
752
00:54:08,880 --> 00:54:10,114
When?
753
00:54:10,115 --> 00:54:12,334
Last week at your office.
754
00:54:12,335 --> 00:54:14,047
Did you tell her about...
755
00:54:14,048 --> 00:54:16,346
No, but I will. I swear.
756
00:54:16,347 --> 00:54:17,954
If you don't get out of here right now.
757
00:54:17,955 --> 00:54:20,557
If you ever fucking say
anything to Heidi...
758
00:54:20,558 --> 00:54:22,092
So just leave, and I won't.
759
00:54:22,093 --> 00:54:24,211
And we never have to see
each other again, okay?
760
00:54:30,619 --> 00:54:32,461
You seduced me.
761
00:54:32,917 --> 00:54:35,005
I told you I was sober.
762
00:54:35,006 --> 00:54:36,773
- Ben.
- I told you I couldn't
763
00:54:36,774 --> 00:54:39,008
get involved with anyone, but
you wouldn't leave me alone.
764
00:54:39,009 --> 00:54:40,410
That's not true.
765
00:54:40,411 --> 00:54:41,945
- I didn't want this.
- Yes, you did.
766
00:54:41,946 --> 00:54:43,906
I'm fucking drinking
again because of you.
767
00:54:44,499 --> 00:54:46,658
Why don't you admit what you are, huh?
768
00:54:47,924 --> 00:54:49,325
What I am?
769
00:54:49,326 --> 00:54:50,786
You broke up two marriages.
770
00:54:50,787 --> 00:54:52,539
What, that wasn't enough for you?
771
00:54:53,663 --> 00:54:55,776
Say this is your fault.
772
00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:58,837
And then I'll leave.
773
00:55:04,265 --> 00:55:06,094
I don't owe you a thing.
774
00:55:06,971 --> 00:55:08,263
You're an adult.
775
00:55:08,739 --> 00:55:10,640
I didn't seduce you.
776
00:55:10,641 --> 00:55:13,843
And even if I did, I'm allowed
to change my fucking mind.
777
00:55:13,844 --> 00:55:15,511
Now, get the fuck out of my house
778
00:55:15,512 --> 00:55:17,012
before I call your fucking wife.
779
00:56:15,355 --> 00:56:17,355
What are you gonna do, Ben?
780
00:56:18,793 --> 00:56:20,558
You gonna kill me?
781
00:56:21,962 --> 00:56:23,928
You think that scares me?
782
00:56:26,171 --> 00:56:27,705
My son died.
783
00:56:28,888 --> 00:56:31,246
He died in my fucking arms.
784
00:56:37,142 --> 00:56:39,360
So, what in God's name do
you think you can do to me
785
00:56:39,361 --> 00:56:40,812
that I haven't done to myself...
786
00:56:42,581 --> 00:56:44,448
...a million times?
787
00:56:47,434 --> 00:56:50,702
I have been in pain my entire life.
788
00:56:52,692 --> 00:56:54,307
And maybe that's what makes people
789
00:56:54,308 --> 00:56:55,454
think that I'm weak.
790
00:56:57,046 --> 00:56:59,312
And maybe that makes people treat me
791
00:56:59,313 --> 00:57:04,200
like some sort of receptacle
for all their grief and rage.
792
00:57:05,811 --> 00:57:07,482
And disappointment.
793
00:57:10,142 --> 00:57:12,554
But I am fucking sick of it.
794
00:57:17,182 --> 00:57:19,436
I just want to live a different life.
795
00:57:20,939 --> 00:57:23,382
I want to live a different story.
796
00:57:24,370 --> 00:57:25,807
I'm still young.
797
00:57:27,765 --> 00:57:29,482
I can be someone else.
798
00:57:29,483 --> 00:57:31,348
Someone who deserves love.
799
00:57:34,266 --> 00:57:35,712
Someone who can be happy.
800
00:57:35,713 --> 00:57:41,113
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
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