Original subtitles

Previously on The Affair...

Uh, hi. I'm Alison.

Ben.

Yeah, when I got back from my second tour, I was a disaster.

And I, uh, had a hard time being...

...being intimate.

Oh.

It's pretty interesting stuff, huh?

You scared me.

You can't just sneak up on people

at a conference about posttraumatic stress.

Sorry, uh, I didn't realize I was that scary.

We should meet up all over the country

at different PTSD conferences.

Are you having fun yet?

What's that face?

You amaze me.

I'm looking for Ben Cruz.

He is actually at a lunch meeting,

but he'll be back any minute.

Mrs. Cruz, what are you doing?

Please, let me help you with that.

Mrs. Cruz, please.

I insist. Let me do that.

A lush. I love it.

No, I just had a terrible day.

Have you ever heard of the, uh, mile-high club?

I can't sit back down there, okay?

- He tried to kiss me. - Calm down, ma'am.

- This is a misunderstanding. - I need you to calm down.

Stop touching me!

Noah? Hi.

She just started freaking out on the highway.

I didn't know where else to bring her.

What about you? You seeing anybody?

I was. He's married.

Alison, you have so much time.

You could have a second act.

You could do whatever you want to do.

But if you want to change your life,

you have to do it now.

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

Hi.

Hi.

It's good to see you.

Um, can I come in?

Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. Um...

It's beautiful here.

Thank you.

So...

Where'd you go?

What do you mean?

Last week.

Thought we had a date.

I...

It's for you.

Thank you.

Um, do you want to sit?

I need to talk to you about something.

Actually, um, can I say something first?

Okay.

I'm married.

- Okay. - I didn't tell you.

Uh, no, you didn't.

I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me again.

Well, you're right.

But I already know.

I found out.

How?

I went to see you at your office.

Your wife was there.

Heidi?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Um...

Did you speak to her?

It doesn't matter.

- You lied to me. - I know.

I told you everything about myself.

- I told you about my son. - I know.

- I know, and I'm sorry. - That's it?

That's all you have to say?

I have a lot to say. Do you want to sit?

- No. - Okay.

Well, um, this might take a while.

I've been rehearsing this for days,

but I realize I may never see you again,

so I'm gonna say everything.

Okay.

So, uh...

I left my wife today.

- I don't believe you. - I did. I can show you

the angry text messages I've been getting,

if that would help.

Our marriage is done.

I should have left a long time ago, but...

I said it was for the kids,

but it wasn't for the kids.

I just didn't want to fail at something else.

And then I met you.

I wanted to tell you.

I-I tried to tell you, but...

I knew, if I did, you'd just walk away

and I'd never see you again,

and I couldn't make myself say the words.

You are literally the woman of my dreams.

I know it's not the perfect situation,

but I came here tonight just hoping that maybe

we can start again with no more secrets.

I'm Ben.

I recently separated from my wife,

and I have two boys...

Bodhi and Gabriel.

Gabriel?

Gabriel?

Right. Okay.

Uh...

how old?

Bodhi's six, and...

Gabriel's a year.

- Ben. - Look, I know.

I know it sounds bad.

My wife and I, we talked already.

Look, we agreed, this isn't the life

that either of us wants.

And we'd be happier with other people.

We'll be better parents to our boys.

I love you.

That's what I came here to say.

Say something.

Thank you for finally telling me.

- That's it? - What do you want me to say?

I don't know, uh...

you forgive me.

- Doesn't matter. You love me, too. - Oh, it does matter.

And I don't forgive you.

And how can I tell you I love you?

I don't even know you.

Mmm. Yeah.

Right.

Wait.

I have something I want to say to you, too.

Okay.

- You're a shit. - I know.

You treated me badly.

I did.

I was honest with you.

I told you who I am.

I didn't lie to you.

You lied to me.

Yeah.

Why?

I screwed up.

I'm weak.

Ben, I am sorry you broke up with your wife.

I am sorry, most of all, for your kids.

And I am sorry that you and I

never had a chance to see where this could go.

Because I really liked you.

And I haven't felt this way about anyone

in a really long time.

But I am done

being the woman you lie to your wife about.

I have lived this entire story before,

and it doesn't end well,

and I couldn't go through with it again,

even if I wanted to.

Do you understand?

Of course I understand.

Um... should I...

should I let myself out, or, uh...

Yeah.

Guess you should.

You should get someone to fix that.

Yeah, I know.

Called the plumber a couple of times.

Just keeps standing me up.

I mean, I can fix it for you right now if you want.

Or not.

No.

Um...

Thank you.

- Ah. - That's it.

Oh.

Seems like an old sink.

I might as well just get under there and tighten it up.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Yeah. No problem.

This is fun for me.

I-I could make you some dinner, you know, before you go.

Okay.

Uh...

Well, I have some eggs or...

Uh...

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm going to make us something. Yeah.

Well, no, I-I offered to make you dinner.

Yeah, and I appreciated that offer.

Now, um, give me some space.

Go pour yourself a glass of wine.

Relax.

Your wife is very beautiful.

Yeah.

She's definitely that.

Did you really end it with her?

I swear.

Did you tell her about me?

No.

That just seemed cruel.

What did you say?

I said...

I didn't love her anymore, and...

she said she didn't love me anymore, either.

Why? What happened between you two?

I, uh...

I went to war.

I just...

Changed me.

I don't know how to describe it any better than that.

And Heidi, she was raised by a single mom

who couldn't make the rent, and, uh...

she basically grew up in a car.

She wanted a man, you know... Capital "M."

Someone to take care of her,

be strong, make money,

tell her she was pretty.

She just didn't want to have to worry anymore.

That's who she thought she married.

That's who we both thought I was.

What changed?

It was my, uh...

second combat tour in Afghanistan, and...

I'd been deployed for 12 months,

which is a ridiculous amount of time.

And one day, we ran out of fuel

for the generator on our base, and, uh...

I took out a Humvee with a few of the guys from my platoon.

It was just supposed to be a simple resupply mission, but...

we'd been given the wrong information,

and when we got there...

...the fuel didn't exist.

So we had to return empty-handed

on the same road we had traveled that morning,

which is a stupid and dangerous thing to do.

I just had two weeks left on my tour,

and all I could think about was getting home to Heidi,

a bath,

a beer on our deck,

putting Bodhi to sleep

and, uh, taking her clothes off and, uh...

Sorry.

No.

I understand.

Anyway, um...

Out of the corner of my eye,

I could see these kids watching us

from the door of a building, and...

It used to be a school, but we bombed it.

And, uh...

My stomach just fell

because I had seen those same kids on the way out,

and here they were again waiting for us.

I just begged, "God, Jesus, Mary, just let us pass.

Keep those kids in the fucking rubble."

One of them...

he was tall.

Had to be 13 or 14.

Sure enough, he came running towards us

with what looked like a weapon.

And he raised it, and I realized it was an RPG.

Before he could pull the trigger,

I pulled mine, and...

he fell.

You killed him?

Yeah.

His weapon wasn't real.

What do you mean?

"RPG" stands for "rocket-propelled grenade."

It's like a gun that shoots a grenade.

And, uh...

Well, the one he was holding, it wasn't...

didn't have a grenade attached.

It was old.

It was essentially a toy.

What, you killed an unarmed kid?

Yeah.

Where do you... where do you keep your plates?

Uh, um...

just here.

So that's what you walk around with?

Every day?

When I got back home...

I couldn't stand Heidi anymore.

It wasn't her fault. It just...

The way she looked at me.

The way she needed me.

One night, I, uh...

I got wasted, and...

I tied her to the bed on her stomach

so I wouldn't have to look at her face.

I wouldn't let her go.

Not even when Bodhi started to cry.

I got clean soon after that, and, uh...

I haven't touched a drink since.

I haven't touched her, either.

You done?

Uh, yeah.

I haven't told anyone what I just told you.

That last part.

But I think about it all the time.

Just... people I've hurt,

lives I've ruined.

All I want is to somehow be forgiven.

I know that's not possible, so...

You know, I have a...

I have a rare day every so often

where I feel a little more still inside.

It's-it's usually in the late fall,

when the summer people have gone and...

I can hear the wind and the water,

and the birds, nothing else.

That's when my heart, like, hurts

for how beautiful it is out here.

I want to...

drink the air.

Live in the sunsets.

And then I...

It's not that I feel forgiven exactly,

but I feel at peace with what happened.

What?

Forgiven for what?

I mean, what happened to your son wasn't your fault.

Was it?

Yeah.

How? I thought your husband was with him.

No, he-he didn't drown in the water.

Um, he had fluid in his lungs,

and I didn't take him to the hospital.

He drowned in his sleep.

That can happen?

Mm-hmm.

It's called secondary drowning.

I never heard of it.

He seemed fine, and then at night,

he vomited, had diarrhea.

He said his shoulder hurt, and...

Cole wanted me to take him to the hospital,

but I-I was... I was mad at Cole.

Because he had spent the whole day

flirting with Jocelyn.

It was just...

And...

I was a nurse, you know. I thought I knew better.

In the morning, he was gray.

He died without making a sound.

Jesus.

Sorry.

Maybe you didn't want to know all that.

Of course I did.

I do.

I've had this, um...

recurring dream lately,

where I'm talking to Gabriel.

And, um, he's a teenager.

And I'm sitting on the edge of his bed, and...

His little mustache.

And his feet smell.

He's listening to music.

And he keeps saying, "Go away, Mom.

Leave me alone."

I know that's what he needs.

I just can't.

I can't leave.

Keeps telling me to go, and I just can't get off...

off the bed.

And he's so angry at me.

And his skin is still so gray.

Anyway...

You know, some days, I'm-I'm proud

of the life that I've built.

You know, I have my daughter and my career, and...

I've grown, persevered.

And I think he'd be proud of me, too.

And then sometimes, it just feels like a giant charade,

and I'm still the same

broken person I was at the hospital,

the same empty shell at his funeral,

and this is all a joke I've been playing on myself.

This life that I am trying to live.

No, I...

What are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing?

I want you to dance with me.

Come on. It's my favorite song.

What happens to people like us?

What do you mean?

The ones who can't be forgiven.

The shrinks will say we have to forgive ourselves.

I can't.

But if you don't, if you don't, then...

what's the rest of your life?

One long penance?

My mom believes that we live multiple lives

and that each one is a step toward,

you know, nirvana, I guess.

Perfection.

We just keep coming back until we get it right.

Maybe this is as far as I come in this life.

So you're just waiting to die?

Aren't you?

If you're really being honest with yourself?

No.

I want to live.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- No. Wait. - No. Don't think...

What do you want?

Alison, you tell me.

I'll do whatever you want.

Alison, what do you want?

Let's go to your bedroom.

No, no, no, no, no.

I have a better idea.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't mess with my heart, okay?

I can't handle any more pain.

I know.

I won't.

Promise?

I promise.

You know what I want?

What?

This.

For days.

Forever.

Well, maybe you'll get it.

I want to go clean up.

No, no, not yet.

No.

I'm tired.

Let me do the dishes, and then we can go to bed.

Okay.

Ow!

Hi.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Didn't you hear me knocking?

Uh, no, uh...

Sorry, I had the music up.

What happened to your hand?

- Uh, it's fine. It's... - You okay? Let me see.

No, it's fine. It's just, I need a Band-Aid.

You know, a stubborn streak like that

will get you killed in combat.

So?

So.

So, what happened to you?

Why'd you stand me up?

I went to L.A. for the weekend.

Why?

To visit a friend.

You didn't call and tell me you changed your plans?

I mean, I waited outside that yoga studio

for an hour, Alison.

Why don't you sit?

Um, I'll make us some tea.

I thought we were going out to dinner.

No, I just wanted to talk to you for a bit first.

I'm really hungry.

Won't take long.

Um, let me take your wet coat.

So, about the other night, I...

Before you talk, can I say something first?

Of course.

Uh, you can't do stuff like that to me.

- Stuff like what? - Stand me up.

Not call me for four days.

I mean, it's taken a lot for me to trust you.

Okay, I'm making myself really vulnerable here, you know?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I-I know. I...

Okay. Good.

I... I just had to say that.

What do you want to talk about?

Alison, what's going on?

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah, I just wanted to ask some questions.

I just...

You know, it occurred to me we don't really

know that much about each other.

Yeah, like, uh, I had no idea

you knew anyone in California.

Of course.

What do you want to talk about? I'll tell you anything.

Okay. Okay.

Um...

Where'd you grow up?

The Bronx.

What's your family like?

I'm, uh, the third of four.

Four boys and a girl.

Where are your parents?

My dad still lives on 186th,

and my mom is dead.

She died of leukemia when I was 21.

- Sorry. I... - It's okay.

Um, anything else?

Um, yeah. Where do you live now?

Hicksville, but you know that already.

Who do you live with?

What?

- What do you mean? - Do you have

a roommate or, you know, family, any...?

Wh-Where are these questions coming from?

I'm just... just curious. It's just...

- This have to do with Cole? - Cole? What? No.

You know what's fucked-up about that guy?

- About Cole? - Yeah, he-he came

to an AA meeting, but he's not an addict, is he?

- Not that I'm aware of, no. - Well, that's bullshit.

Well, I'm sure he had a good reason for being there.

It's a little perverse, don't you think?

Those meetings are vulnerable spaces.

The guys really have to trust each other.

I-I'm happy to keep talking.

I just need something to eat. I'm really starving.

Uh, sure. I-I can make you

some eggs or...

uh, maybe some...

I have, uh...

crackers and cheese?

Yeah, yeah, anything.

Have you ever been married?

Why are you asking me that?

It's just a question.

What happened in California?

Who's this friend you went to go see?

Went to see my ex-husband.

Okay. How'd that go?

Fine.

Well, he must have said something that upset you.

No, that's not what this is about.

Are you sure?

It just seemed like everything was fine last week,

and then you stand me up, flee to California

and talk to your ex?

Suddenly, I'm the bad guy?

Ben, are you married?

Why would I be here if I was married?

Have you ever...

Have you ever been married?

- No. - Do you live alone?

Yes.

Do you have kids?

No.

What kind of tea do you want?

I don't want tea.

Hey.

What's going on?

What happened?

You don't trust me anymore.

This thing that's happening between us

doesn't happen to me all the time.

Does it happen to you?

So, why are you trying to fuck it up?

You don't even know me, Ben.

Yes, I do.

And I don't know you.

I-I've been in love twice in my life.

- Am I one of them? - No.

Okay. Your two exes, I assume.

Yes.

They were really different loves,

but they had something in common.

I-I felt kind of like the victim

in both situations.

Okay.

How so?

Well, my... with my first, with Cole, I was...

I was always a mess.

He was always the solid one, and I was always falling apart.

And I convinced myself that he would one day cheat on me.

So, instead, I... I cheated on him.

And even after it was over, I still told myself

that he was to blame.

I told myself that he had driven me to do it

because he was so unfeeling, so rigid.

After our son died, he...

he made me carry the grief for both of us,

so what choice did I have, really?

- You didn't. - Then, with Noah,

it was the opposite. He was the dreamer.

He was the dramatic one. He... I was the homebody.

He said that I grounded him, and yet I cheated on him, too.

And yet again, I convinced myself

that I was not to blame,

because he had abandoned me for his career, his ambition,

so... what else could I do?

Okay. What are you trying to say?

I-I-I just... I just think that sometimes we get

into these patterns in life, and we tell ourselves a story

about what kind of person we are

and how people treat us, and it's not always true.

And... and as painful as it's been to really

own up to my faults and to recognize that...

I contributed to these relationships falling apart,

it's also...

it's been really...

Made me like myself in a way that I never did before.

Ben?

Ben, please just be honest with me.

I can take it.

Just tell me who you are.

Tell me the truth.

You want to know who I am?

Hmm?

Really?

Yes.

Okay. All right.

You...

What are you doing?

I'm gonna need a drink for this.

Ben, don't.

It's fine, Alison.

I haven't told you what I did, have I?

What do you mean?

During the war.

No.

Are you comfortable?

Maybe you should sit.

I'm fine.

Good.

This may take a while.

I was deployed for too long.

Only four months home.

Half of which I spent in the fucking hospital

because a fucking IED took off both my buddy's legs

and all the skin off mine.

But then I was right back in the sandbox.

I mean, I barely had time to visit my father

before they shipped me back out.

Six months into my second deployment,

I didn't give a shit anymore.

I was done.

All the other guys, they were all,

"Oh, I'm part of a machine that never loses.

I'm a U.S. Marine."

I was like, "We're losing, assholes.

We fucking lost."

Everyone knew it.

Even the president knew it.

But there I was again, back in the shit.

More counter-insurgency nonsense,

where they can shoot us but we can't shoot them.

Ben, stop.

Let me finish, please.

We took a Humvee

out of the base one morning to get fuel.

It was a stupid thing to do.

It was one of those orders that comes from above.

Everyone knows it's a fucking suicide mission,

and I was like, "Let it come.

If I can't go home in an airplane,

then I'll go home in a casket."

This kid...

he came running towards us with a burnt-out RPG.

He must have found it discarded somewhere, and...

and he pointed it at me.

He was just playing around.

But I killed him.

You what?

Yeah. I shot him.

Wait.

But you knew he was unarmed.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, there was no grenade attached.

I could see that.

But you shot him anyway?

Yes.

Why?

I think I just wanted to go home.

So there.

Now you know me.

That's who I am.

Are you sorry?

Of course I'm sorry.

But it wasn't my fucking fault.

That kid was old enough to know what he was doing.

He shouldn't have been playing with a fucking gun.

But you knew it wasn't an actual weapon.

So, why'd you do it?

Why do you kill an ant, Alison?

Why do you kill a mouse?

Because you don't fucking want it running around your house.

Because you don't want it bothering you.

Okay.

Ben, it's getting late.

I think maybe I should go to bed.

Fantastic. I'll join you.

No, I-I want to be alone.

Why?

I-I'm just... it's just been a long week,

- and I'm... I'm really tired. - Tired of fucking your

- ex-husband in California? - Oh, my God, no.

- That's not what happened. - Come on, Alison.

Okay, you don't have to believe me.

Good, because I don't.

Okay, Ben, I just want you to go.

What's going on?

Last week was fine.

You go to California, you come back a different person.

I'm a different person? What about you?

- I mean... - This is who I am.

This is who I've always been. You're just peeling the onion.

Yeah, but you didn't tell me that you're, uh...

What? What, I didn't tell you

what happened in the sandbox?

I'm sorry, I was building up to that.

It's not exactly first-date material.

- No, you didn't tell me that... - What?

Nothing, okay? I just want you to leave.

I don't want this.

You don't want what?

You don't want this?

Or this?

No.

Please go.

I can't believe you're doing this.

Why are you fucking doing this?

Ben, please, I...

I just need a minute.

Okay?

I need you, Alison.

I'm in so much pain.

I know it scares you.

It scares me, too,

but we could be good together.

I know.

You can do this.

Yes, you can. We both can.

- We both can. - No.

I need you so badly.

I just need this.

I need this, Alison. I need you.

You need to go home.

Just give me a minute.

- Please. No. - Just give me a minute.

Just go home to your fucking wife.

Go home to who?

What did you say?

What do you know about my wife, Alison?

I met her, you asshole.

You what?

When?

Last week at your office.

Did you tell her about...

No, but I will. I swear.

If you don't get out of here right now.

If you ever fucking say anything to Heidi...

So just leave, and I won't.

And we never have to see each other again, okay?

You seduced me.

I told you I was sober.

- Ben. - I told you I couldn't

get involved with anyone, but you wouldn't leave me alone.

That's not true.

- I didn't want this. - Yes, you did.

I'm fucking drinking again because of you.

Why don't you admit what you are, huh?

What I am?

You broke up two marriages.

What, that wasn't enough for you?

Say this is your fault.

And then I'll leave.

I don't owe you a thing.

You're an adult.

I didn't seduce you.

And even if I did, I'm allowed to change my fucking mind.

Now, get the fuck out of my house

before I call your fucking wife.

What are you gonna do, Ben?

You gonna kill me?

You think that scares me?

My son died.

He died in my fucking arms.

So, what in God's name do you think you can do to me

that I haven't done to myself...

...a million times?

I have been in pain my entire life.

And maybe that's what makes people

think that I'm weak.

And maybe that makes people treat me

like some sort of receptacle for all their grief and rage.

And disappointment.

But I am fucking sick of it.

I just want to live a different life.

I want to live a different story.

I'm still young.

I can be someone else.

Someone who deserves love.

Someone who can be happy.

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com