All language subtitles for Silicon.Valley.S03E09.HDTV.x264-KILLERS

Tables.

Tables are made so a person can
sit down and do something.

Or nothing.

Any person can sit at a table,

and if the table is large
enough, many people.

To make jokes, eat a meal, tell stories.

Tables are for people to
be together and share.

And that is why tables
are like Pied Piper.

Grapefruits, postcards, hugs.

These are things people share
to connect, to come closer.

To open up about ideas and
things that make us feel alive,

like air, ballet, amazing
haircuts, weird countries,

three-alarm chili, mountains,
continents, the Earth, life.

Life is beautiful and sad
and hopeful and dangerous.

So maybe the reason we share so much

is because we understand
that without sharing,

we can't survive.

And sharing is tables.

Pied Piper.

Yes. Tables. I see. It's a metaphor.

- It's a wonderful ad spot.
- Yeah. We're all just tables.

I love what you've done with the place.

It's a really nicely done place.

Say, is that your dog?

It's a dog.

You and I have never really had
much of a rapport, have we?

It's... wanting.

Oh, look.

Well, we're almost there.
Prepare to gather, everyone.

No, I didn't say to gather. I
simply said prepare to gather.

- Monica, hey.
- Oh, hey. How's it going?

- You holding up okay?
- Not really.

I know. Her parties are
always deeply weird.

Hey, um, I guess this is as
good a time as any to say it,

but, um, I'm really sorry
for not getting Pied Piper.

And to be honest, it's really
embarrassing to be so fucking wrong.

Well, here's the thing,
you, uh, you might not be.

What? What are you talking about?

Uh... okay.

So, well, Pied Piper launches
and everything's great,

and we spent a fucking bazillion
dollars, on the Tables ad

and now we are almost at
500,000 installs, right?

- Yeah. What's the problem?
- Well, as you know,

installs isn't really the
metric that matters.

We need daily active users, people
who come back to the platform.

Okay, so how many daily
users do you actually have?

Okay, what would...
what would be a number

that would make you say,
"Ugh, oh, that's bad."

I don't know, like, 100,000?

- Oh.
- Are you less?

How much less?

- 19,000.
- 19... 19,000 less than a hu...

- 81,000?
- No. No, just 19,000.

- That's the only number.
- What?

- That's... that's terrible.
- Yeah. I'm aware.

- Well, yeah, that's art, not a chair.
- Oh.

Richard! Oh, my... well, you
haven't told Laurie yet, have you?

- No.
- Okay. Well, who else knows?

- Dinesh and Gilfoyle?
- No.

Erlich?

No.

Well, apparently Jared knows.

- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Yeah, Pied Piper's sort
of what I'm known for,

but I'm into a lot of cool stuff.

Like, a lot.

You seem surprised.

I'll give you an example.
A few months ago,

I'm at my computer, freestyling,

just kind of jammin' out, you know,

before I knew it I had thrown together

the greatest video-chat app
the world has ever seen.

So you invented Skype a few months ago?

Great ideas just sort
of flow through me.

The platform, you know, it's
sort of a group project,

but, uh, the video-chat
app, that's my solo album.

- Oh, Robert.
- I'm Dinesh.

What the fuck is going on with you?

Hmm? Could you be more specific?

You're hiding something.

What? No, I'm not.

Everything's fine. You
know, everything's fine.

That's a lie.

I can tell because you subscribe

to traditional Judeo-Christian
mores of right and wrong.

You're made uncomfortable by untruth.

My commitment to LaVeyan Satanism

grants me certain freedoms.

There is no good and
evil, there's only self.

- Would you like a beverage?
- Yes, I would.

Lie. You just want me to go to
the bar and leave you alone.

Gil... you crack me up.

Lie.

I terrify you, as I should.

Get out of here.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, so, I just spoke with my friend
who runs a market research firm,

she's gonna set up a focus
group for the platform,

put it in the hands of some real users,

and hopefully it'll be super
obvious what's going wrong.

- Okay, great.
- Clink, clink, clink. Gather.

Faster, please. Gather faster.
We're close.

We need to see the numbers change.

499,995,

499,996...

499,997...

It's going great. Uh,
they've been engaging

with the platform for about an hour now.

- They're just starting the Q and A.
- Uh, great.

Thank you, everyone, for
sharing your feelings

on the revolutionary new
Pied Piper platform.

Now, Bernice, you say
here that you were...

totally freaked out by the platform.

What specifically totally
freaked you out?

Everything. Just every
single thing about it.

Just, like, how it worked.

Now, who else found themselves

totally freaked out by this platform?

Barry, Warren, Natalie, Martina,

Gwen, Amy, Walker, and Clay.

You were all totally freaked out.

Was anyone not totally freaked out?

Clark? Good. What was your reaction?

It just made me feel stupid.

This file sync thing is confusing.

When I put videos into my main
folder, it says it uploaded them,

but then I didn't see where they went.

It said stuff was on
my phone and my iPad,

but when I looked at the
memory, it said, zero K used,

so stuff wasn't on there.

That's the platform. He's
describing the platform

and what's great about it. Well,
clearly he doesn't get it.

clearly none of these people get it.
Maybe this is a bad group.

This is the fifth one today and it's
the least hostile reaction we've seen.

Okay, well, everyone that I showed
the beta to loved it. Loved.

- Oh, shit.
- What?

Who did you give the beta to?

- Your friends. Engineers.
- Well, yeah, Monica.

I wanted to give it to
people who would understand

what I'm trying to do, so I
could get useful feedback.

And with all due respect,
I gave it to you, the

one person without a
computing background,

and you said it felt engineered.

- Oh, shit.
- Yeah.

You're trying to sell the
platform to regular people,

but you never actually put it
in the hands of regular people.

Like them.

Shouldn't there be a download button?

Did they honestly forget
to add a download button?

You know what, Richard,
why don't we just go...

I mean, who designed this thing?

I did. I designed it.

Excuse me? Who are you?

Uh, my name is Richard Hendricks,
I'm the CEO of Pied Piper.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you're the one

who forgot the download button.

Yes.

But no. No, actually,

there is no download
button because, um, well,

you don't need a download button.
We're past that.

I mean, that's the old thing.
This guy, actually,

he should have told you that.

I'm a moderator, not an advocate.

Okay, well, with Pied Piper,

you don't need to download
anything or send anything at all,

anywhere, because the second you take a
photo or a video or compose a text message,

it's on all of your devices instantly.

- So it's all on my phone?
- Yes.

Wrong! It says "zero K
used," so it's not on there.

Aha! Aha...

Yes, well, that's the best part
about the platform right there.

Yes, uh, because you're right,
it's not actually on the phone.

But you don't need it to be on the phone

if you can see it on the phone,

even though there's
nothing there at all.

But... where the hell is it?

Everywhere.

And nowhere, sort of.

Let me, uh, let me just
take a step back here

and explain it in a simpler way.

- Um, sorry, what was your name?
- Bernice.

Bernice. What did you
have for breakfast today?

- Scrambled eggs.
- Scrambled eggs.

And what's in the eggs?

Electrons. Right?

And we all know how electrons
exist in orbitals.

Multivalent states? No?

No one knows this? Okay.

Okay, that's fine. Bad example.
That's on me.

I'll... I'm going to use
the whiteboard here.

You're gonna... you're
gonna love this. Okay.

Then, once we hit a
critical mass of users,

the volume of data moving
through the system

will enable the neural net to
start optimizing the platform.

It will actually get smarter
and faster all on its own.

Is that like when I'm texting and my phone
starts guessing what I'm going to say?

This goes way beyond autocomplete.

Actually, all of your devices
will begin helping each other

in ways that we can't
even design or predict.

Okay, but see, the problem is...
Terminator.

What? No. No, no. No, no, no. No.

I can assure there is no
Skynet type of situation here.

No. Pied Piper will in no way become
sentient and try to take over the world.

He just told us he couldn't predict it.

I'm just saying... everybody died.

Mm-hm, yeah.
- You're right.

In those movies, there
were a lot of casualties.

- Quite scary to think.
- It's food for thought.

Speaking of...

Can we order some pizzas in here?

So, when we put our files
into a Pied Piper folder,

they get split up into
tiny bits and spread

across a network of
other users' devices?

Yes, that's, uh, peer-to-peer
distribution. Continue.

But they can't look at any of our files

because they only have tiny,
scrambled pieces of them?

- Encrypted sharding.
- Clark with the assist. Great.

Uh, go on.

But we can look at any
of our files anytime,

anywhere even though they're not
actually on any of our devices.

Yes. Yes, Bernice, that's it.

That's Pied Piper. That's everything.

So it's all on our phones
even though it sort of isn't.

Oh, my God. That's awesome.

Isn't it? Yeah.

So, uh, what do you think?
Will you use Pied Piper now?

- Well, yeah, I think I will.
- Me, too,

- now that you've explained how it works.
- There you go.

That's what we've been aiming for.

They get it!

What's he smiling at?

This data was corrupted the
second he walked in that room.

So we're tanking, and it's
because we're too good.

That's one way of looking at it.
Uh, yes.

Yes, we have created a product
so far ahead of its time,

people are having difficulty
wrapping their heads around it.

Well, then we just need to
change the platform, right?

- We simplify it.
- Well, we can't.

It's not as if I don't want to, it's
just that we literally can't do it.

Um, if you build an airplane and people
are afraid of anything that flies,

you can't just take the
wings off of it, because,

at that point, all you're left with

is a really slow, super
expensive shitty bus.

No, uh, we built an
airplane, we got to fly it.

What's the point of flying
if it's fucking empty?

I think people will want to fly

once they realize how
cool the platform is.

Guys, I know we're in a
tough spot right now,

and I know we needed a
quarter million DAU's

in order to get our next round
of funding, but this is it.

I think we can do this. All we got to do

is just take every last
dollar that we have,

which is, uh... Sorry, uh, Jared, what?

Well, after the Table ads,

the salaries, recruiter fees...

You know what? I haven't
run the numbers.

It would be irresponsible to estimate.

Okay, uh, is it less
than a million dollars?

- Oh, God, yeah.
- Okay.

- It's higher than 500,000, right?
- Yeah.

I guess it's about $697,240.
But don't quote me on that.

Okay, we use that money to
do outreach, tutorials,

user meetups, uh, create a
guerrilla marketing campaign

that explains how cool the platform is.

I know it's not ideal, but, um, I
really think we can pull this off.

Yeah, that seems doable.

Lie.

Or here's another idea. We could
put the platform on hold,

take the money we have left
and pivot to something

that doesn't require
hours of explanation.

You know, I've been showing
people the video-chat app

- that I hacked together and...
- Shut up, Dinesh!

You ungrateful pricks, all of you.

Your tepid response to our
intrepid boss makes me ill.

His plan, will it work? Mm-mm.

Almost certainly not.

All of you will likely look
back at this time in your lives

and realize you wasted a whole
year with nothing to show for it.

But if this company is a plane, then
this is Richard's goddamn plane,

and if he wants to fly it in the
side of a fucking mountain,

that is his prerogative and
it is our duty to climb on,

strap in and have a fiery
death right behind him.

I don't... I don't
know about that, but...

Richard, the floor.

Crashing aside, I think
this is the plan and, uh,

really, what other option do we have?

Well, I know what option I have.

I can quit. So I quit.

Okay. Any... anybody else?

Guys, no.

Look, Douglas,

customer support is going
to be a big part of this.

We need you guys if we're
going to get 250,000 users.

I barely have any customers
to support, Richard.

And the only way you're going
to get that many users

is if you go to one of those
click farms in Bangladesh

and pay for them. Good
fuckin' luck, man. I'm out.

- Guys, wait.
- Jared, let them go.

I have to do their exit interviews.

I guess I can do them on
their walk to their cars.

Richard, we're better off without them.

Lie.

This is intolerable. A man
can only take so much.

Banished from my own company? No.

I'm just going to give them what
they want. I'm going to resign.

We can go to Haiti, build orphanages.

Haiti?

Is it not said that one should
think globally and act locally?

I'm not acting at all.

Lao Tzu teaches the best
fighter is never angry.

More important than the blow
is knowing when to strike.

Like, perhaps, after we experience

the executive white water
rafting trip in Coeur D'Alene?

Gavin, do you have a moment?

Yes.

Alone?

Of course. Denpok?

What?

Give us a moment, please?

Gavin, I'm really not supposed
to be talking to you,

but there's something I think
you should know about.

I'm listening.

A customer service rep
that just left Pied Piper

is on campus right now
interviewing for a job.

Why would anyone leave Pied Piper now?

I thought maybe you'd
want to ask him yourself.

Well done. Well done.

Okay. Thank you for coming in, Douglas.

- Yeah.
- Right this way. Okay.

- Uh...
- Douglas.

Consider the possum. Nature's...

Gavin, if you're bringing another
animal into this board room,

- this meeting is over.
- Of course not. Don't insult me.

Gentlemen and lady of the Hooli board,

I am the possum to which I refer.

Playing dead to outwit
those who wish me harm.

But it's time to end the charade.

I'm sorry, Gavin. What charade?

For months, I've led
the world to believe

that my Endframe division was pursuing

a broad-based compression platform

in direct competition with Pied Piper.

But secretly, I knew that any such
platform was destined to fail.

But Pied Piper is not failing.

It's the most popular
app in the Hooli store.

One of the most installed, yes.

But I happen to know, because I
make it my business to know,

that their daily active
user numbers are abysmal.

So, you were never
developing a platform.

Why didn't you tell us this?

Says the chairperson of the board

that recently asked for my resignation.

Trust cuts both ways. I thought
it best to leave you out of it.

I'm sorry, Gavin. I'm just finding
all of this impossible to believe.

If you were never building a
platform, what did we just spend

three-quarters of a billion dollars on?

I'm not going to tell you.

Instead, I'm going to let
the new head of product

for Hooli/Endframe tell you.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Jack Barker, and I'm very excited

to introduce Hooli/Endframe's
newest product...

We call it The Box.

Pied Piper's
loss is Hooli's gain.

May the best product win.

Can I get you a shirt, sir?
There you go.

Actually, let me ask you
a question, uh, Emily.

What did you have for breakfast today?

- Um, yogurt.
- Okay.

And, uh, we all know
what's in yogurt, right?

Electrons. Multivalent states.

Welcome to the Pied Piper
Informational Seminar.

Now, what is Pied Piper?
Excellent question.

Here it is.

One of your Hooli/Endframe boxes
would go right here in this rack.

Okay, let me show you the next location

in which we would install
one of your boxes.

Congratulations, Jack. And
congratulations to you, Gavin.

- Hey, John?
- John?

John?

A lot of people have
raised their hands, uh,

throughout this seminar saying,
Hey, is thing like the Terminator?

Uh, no. Not at all.

Hi, how big are your files?

Dodge Challenger? Hoodie?

- John?
- Yo!

- John?
- John!

- John!
- John!

This is Pied Piper, guys. Okay?

If I could just explain
it one more time.

Guys? Please don't leave. I beg you.

Hi, Bernice. Yeah.

We kind of thought we
nailed it with Tables,

but you say you want something
light, fun, inviting.

But most of all, you want
something that delivers

a step-by-step guide to all of
the nuances of your platform.

Yeah.

All of this with the caveat that
you don't have enough money

- for even a minuscule ad buy.
- Um, yes, that's right.

That's a pretty small target to hit.

Anyway, here's what we came up with.

Oh,
hello, welcome to Pied Piper.

How can I help you?

What in the name of fuck is that?

Well, his name is Pipey,

the Pied Piper Piper.

He's fun. And, uh, you know, the
demo's interactive. Just...

Looks like you want to
compress a movie file!

Can I help? You know, with
Pied Piper's revolutionary

neural network, optimized, sharded
data distribution system,

it's just six clicks away! Follow me!

- I like it.
- That's a fuckin' lie.

Yeah.

So, Richard, you want us to
take the most sophisticated

and technically complex
compression based platform

- ever created and add that?
- Still here!

Well, after the booths at
CES and South by Southwest,

all of our outreach, the
Dodge Challenger...

Still here!

Plus, all the cost of
working up, you know, this,

- we are pretty much all out of money.
- Follow me!

Okay.

Uh-oh! Somebody seems confused!

Let me walk you through
Pied Piper's proprietary

peer-to-peer content distribution
system, consisting of...

Richard? Are you indisposed?

Richard, can I come in?

Richard, I'm... I'm sorry
the guys didn't like Pipey.

It's over, Jared.

Well, you know, a lot of animated
characters have rough starts.

Early Bugs Bunny cartoons were just garish
displays of anti-Japanese hysteria,

and now he's the face of Warner Bros.

I'm not talking about Pipey, Jared.
I'm talking about Pied Piper.

We're dead. We fought Gavin
Belson, Russ, Hooli,

the lawsuit, that fucking box,

all so we could build our
platform the way we wanted to.

And we did, but I guess you just
can't fight public opinion,

except for one woman named Bernice.

Face it, Jared, being too early
is the same as being wrong.

Hey.

- We'll figure it out.
- I don't know if we will.

Besides, I think I'm getting tired
of being kicked in the balls.

Come on, we have a few
weeks of runway left.

Uh, I don't want to
say exactly how much.

Again, I'm not comfortable
estimating, but...

Take what's left of it and
divide it up amongst the guys.

I mean, it won't be anywhere close
to what you're owed in back pay,

but at least it's something.

Don't give up. Richard,
come on, not yet.

We've got to hang on, we've
got to see what happens.

Something will turn around.
I know it will.

You really believe that? Absolutely.

Gilfoyle's right, you're...
you're a terrible liar.

Um, just, uh, set an all-hands
for tomorrow at 9 a.m.

And I'll... I'll tell the gang.

It's over, Jared.

And lastly, our deal to
furnish Endframe boxes

to Maleant Data System Solutions
has officially closed,

putting us far ahead of
even the most optimistic

profit targets issued
by this very board.

Gavin, it appears we owe you an apology.

We'd like to restore your
full status as CEO and chair

with a significantly revised
bonus and stock options package.

Thank you.

Of course, apology accepted.

I would like nothing more
than to move forward

in a harmonious and productive manner.

Actually, with that in mind,

there's something I'd like to show you.

It's outside. Is... is that all right?

A little field trip, if you will?

Just down here.

A little farther.

We're almost there.

Just out here, everyone. Almost there.

Consider the elephant.

Legend has it its memory is
so robust it never forgets.

And I assure you, gentlemen
of the Hooli board,

and lady, neither do I.

Okay, guys, uh,

we need to have a serious discussion
about the future of the company.

What? Why is everyone smiling?

Richard, something happened last night.

The daily active users are up, way up.

- Look at it. Look.
- Really?

Holy shit!

Did we just get 7,000 users in a day?

We sure did! We're back!

I don't know if it was the outreach

or the tutorials, but we
seem to be getting traction.

Richard, you pulled
us out of a nosedive.

Of course, inevitably, we will run out
of fuel and plummet towards the Earth,

leaving only a crater behind
of torn flesh and excrement,

but in the meantime, we are flying high!

Yeah. I guess we are.

You know, it's crazy, just
last night I was, uh,

telling Jared that I thought we
should shut down the company.

Well, perfect timing then, huh?

Uh, excuse me. I should get this.

Hey, Jared.

- Are those numbers legit?
- Of course.

- All right, then.
- This is Jared.

So, are we happy?

Yeah. Worked out great.

So let's keep the 7,000
users that I bought

and add another thousand
a day for the next week.

You got it, buddy.