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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
2
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:03,607
Give me that!
3
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,804
Move!
4
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,762
Hey, sir! Sir! Come back!
5
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,925
I've gotta get outta here.
6
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,684
Boo, boo, boo, hey, hey, hey.
7
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:01,643
Girl, you got that list of questions?
8
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:02,846
Yes.
9
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,810
I think I have everything that I need.
10
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,609
Be happy you ain't got
this chlamydia, all right?
11
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,968
Ooh, girl, I tried to take a piss earlier,
12
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,168
it was like there was an angry
dragon inside my snatch,
13
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,124
you know, like some Game of Thrones shit!
14
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,362
That's terrible, Kateesha.
15
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,125
I can't help it when
a tall, athletic brother
16
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,561
come pushing up on this thickness.
17
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,449
Ooh, yeah... Oh, shit!
18
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:28,089
Oh, God, girl, I thank God
every motherfucking day
19
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,766
that the SuperSonics
moved to Oklahoma. Shit.
20
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:36,929
Okay, I'm gonna go so I won't
be late for your interview.
21
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,571
What the fuck are you wearing, girl?
22
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,329
There ain't no camouflage,
no fishnets and no fluorescent colors.
23
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,324
How they gonna see you in the dark,
bitch? How they gonna see you?
24
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,245
I gotta go.
25
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,764
Wow, so big.
26
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,450
Oh, I'm sorry.
27
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,205
If you're looking for the homeless
shelter, it's two doors down.
28
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,243
Oh, no, I'm... I'm Hannah Steale.
29
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,527
I'm here to see Mr. Black.
30
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,762
The college bitch. May I take your coat?
31
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,286
Yes, please. Thank you.
32
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:51,565
Ew...
33
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,680
Follow me.
34
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,806
In case you're wondering,
35
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,848
I'm the hot secretary
who's fucking the boss,
36
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,843
which means there's no room
for the dopey intern
37
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,287
with the damaged hair and the cankles.
38
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,086
Come here.
39
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,242
Ugh!
40
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,651
That's the smell of his balls
41
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,688
after lunch and two games of racquetball.
42
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,683
Mmm...
43
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,289
Have a nice day, Ms. Steale.
44
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:21,850
Plain-ass bitch.
45
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,046
Ow! My neck. Ow. Ooh.
46
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,047
You...
47
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,084
Oh, shit!
48
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,528
I guess I should've tried pulling.
49
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:03,687
Ms. Kavahellnah.
50
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:04,841
Christian Black.
51
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,046
Are you okay?
52
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,288
I think so, yeah.
53
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,528
Good, 'cause you got fucked up!
54
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,606
I mean, you hit that statue
like a hard-charging rhino,
55
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,489
and I say rhino because
you're a lot fatter than I thought,
56
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,608
and you got this bump on your nose
that resembles a small horn.
57
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,490
- Maybe you wanna get that squeezed.
- Okay.
58
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,085
A little Proactiv on it.
59
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,930
I'm not Ms. Kavahellnah.
60
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,490
You ain't Ms. Kavahellnah?
61
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,404
- Who the fuck are you?
- My name is Hannah Steale.
62
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,970
I'm studying literature
63
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,929
with Kateesha at the university.
64
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,401
Oh.
65
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,205
Please, have a seat.
66
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,770
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
67
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:56,841
No.
68
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,401
- No.
- So, what do you want?
69
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,608
Jesus Christ! Just spit it out!
70
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,850
A pencil.
71
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,969
A pencil... You should've just
said that in the beginning!
72
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,441
Gosh! Here, take 'em!
73
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,962
- Jesus!
- Thank you.
74
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,089
You gotta get your shit together,
Ms. Steale.
75
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,525
Shit.
76
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,251
These are Kateesha's questions, okay?
77
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,320
"You have mad stacks of cash.
78
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,600
"How'd you get it, and can I get some?"
79
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,366
Oh... Ms. Steale.
80
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,561
I got my money
81
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,847
the way most black
entrepreneurs got theirs.
82
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,408
- Real estate?
- Drug dealing.
83
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,048
See, you have to know
your business inside and out.
84
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,206
I smoked crack. Not for long,
85
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,008
but just long enough to know
what a penis tastes like.
86
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,488
Tastes like raw rump roast.
87
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,210
- Mmm.
- Ew!
88
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,648
I got all ashy, like E.T.
when he was sick in the river.
89
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,170
I lost six essential teeth.
90
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,128
Have you ever tried to eat steak
with one molar?
91
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,521
No. Why would I do that?
92
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,128
Gnaw and suck.
93
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,244
Gnaw and suck. It's hard.
94
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:17,486
- Could be that you're lucky.
- No.
95
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,803
Keanu Reeves is lucky.
96
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,566
Flo Rida is lucky.
97
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,927
Iggy Azalea is lucky.
98
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,923
Yeah, he's lucky.
99
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,201
Next question.
100
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,329
"Is you gay, or is you gay as
a motherfucker?"
101
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,645
Just because you touch a penis
doesn't mean you're gay.
102
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,246
Especially if it's for money or crack.
103
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,406
You're only gay if you
enjoy touching penis.
104
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,201
You touch a penis with attitude, like...
"I don't really like this."
105
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,369
That ain't gay. It's just exploratory.
106
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,323
You said you're an English major.
107
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,721
Was it Chaucer, Shelley or Keats
108
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,882
that first made you fall in love
with literature?
109
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,322
- It was Seuss.
- Seuss!
110
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,051
- Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2.
- ...and Thing 2!
111
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,202
I mean, who doesn't wanna be them?
112
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,328
Well, you know, me and my
brother were Thing 1
113
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,925
and Thing 2 for Halloween this year.
114
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,002
- Really?
- Yeah. Check this out.
115
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,169
Oh, my God, look at both of you!
116
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,288
We called 'em Thang 1 and Thang 2.
117
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,845
That's amazing.
118
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:21,524
What if I wanted to hire you?
119
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,891
I don't know. I see the way
the women dress around here.
120
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,691
I don't exactly fit in.
121
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,762
You know, despite the
Salvation Army sweater,
122
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,330
the greasy weaves,
123
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,408
and your big ol' Usher nose,
124
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,926
there's something
oddly attractive about you.
125
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,163
Yeah, you're like the little ugly runt
126
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,969
in a litter full of pretty puppies.
127
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,282
You know, the little ugly one
that nobody wants to touch.
128
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,807
You're, all hairless and big-eyed
and wild-looking.
129
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,691
But you just wanna take you home
and give you love,
130
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,762
or stuff you in a sack
with a bunch of rocks
131
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,401
and just toss your little ugly ass
at the bottom of the ocean.
132
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,766
Just put you out your misery.
133
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,448
Oh. Okay.
134
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,726
Thank you, Mr. Black.
135
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,007
Please, call me Christian.
136
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,051
- Christian.
- I hope I answered all your questions.
137
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,202
You certainly did.
138
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,483
- Hannah.
- Christian.
139
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:16,971
Ooh, shit!
140
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,530
Oh, God!
141
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,281
Oh!
142
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,084
Jesus Christ!
143
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,844
Oh, God, make it stop!
144
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,571
White girls, get that elevator fixed.
145
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,005
Ooh, Hannah!
146
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,561
So, how was he?
147
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,123
He was all right, I guess.
148
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,886
Oh, shit! You fucked him, girl!
I knew that shit!
149
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,685
Yeah, girl, get that dick,
girl, get that dick.
150
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,889
What? Uh! Get that dick! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
151
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,685
Take it to town, motherfucker.
Get that dick.
152
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,808
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
153
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,962
Shit, girl, yeah! Ooh!
154
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,610
So, did he have a big dick?
155
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,445
- What?
- Ooh, girl, was it like real skinny, girl,
156
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,443
or was it like real long,
like skinny long?
157
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,726
'Cause that's fucking weird.
158
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,683
But, like, short and thick, girl?
159
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,285
I can get down with that short, fat dick.
160
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,011
No, there is... There's no...
There's no dick.
161
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,764
Remember what I told you, okay?
162
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,123
If it's got like little red zit-like
things on the head of that shit,
163
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,964
you put that in your butt, okay?
164
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,522
He gonna be like,
"Oh, girl, no, it's just skin tags."
165
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,881
"Bitch, you got 47 skin tags on your dick?
166
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,041
"I ain't falling for that shit.
167
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,043
"Again!" Okay?
168
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:31,722
Mmm, but you gotta admit,
girl, he is bangin'! Mmm!
169
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,930
Yeah, I guess if you're
into the wildly-successful,
170
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,407
super-handsome, possibly-dangerous thing,
171
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,369
then Christian Black is your guy.
172
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,410
Bitch, I'm talkin' 'bout Lil Weezy!
173
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,051
Ooh, girl, he got tats on his tats.
174
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,282
And he ain't afraid
to get a bitch pregnant.
175
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,089
Let you keep the baby and everythin'.
176
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,321
Mmm.
177
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,246
You gonna eat that?
178
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,922
Ooh, I wish I could find a man
the size of this to satisfy me.
179
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,611
This shit better be gluten-free.
180
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,611
Hmm, Mr. Black.
181
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,290
Oh, God.
182
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,929
Mmm... God, Christian.
183
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,001
Mmm...
184
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,130
Oh, my God, you know what I wanna do.
185
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,644
- Hi.
- What the fuck?
186
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,650
What a pleasant surprise, Ms. Steale.
187
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,009
Please, call me Hannah.
188
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,127
Okay, Ms. Steale.
189
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,680
I was just in the area
and wanted to pick up a few items.
190
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,521
Are you stalking me, Mr. Black?
191
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,087
Yes.
192
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,602
I mean, unless you don't want me to.
193
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,650
You do want me to, don't you?
194
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:43,885
Just something to think about.
195
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,286
Can I help you with something?
196
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,441
Yes.
197
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,761
I would like to pick up
some cable ties and some tape.
198
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,128
Well, you're in luck,
we got some cable ties right here.
199
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,288
- What color do you want?
- Red.
200
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,523
The color of passion.
201
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,964
The tape is this way. Follow me.
202
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,644
If I didn't know better,
203
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,722
I might mistake you for a serial killer.
204
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,645
Don't be ridiculous.
If I was a serial killer,
205
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,722
I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia,
206
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,723
chlorophyll, wood chipper, plastic sheets
207
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,723
and three large boxes of space Pampers.
208
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,406
And a shovel.
209
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:23,722
Second thought...
210
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,928
I think I need to
pick up a few more items.
211
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,166
Well, looks like you're all set now.
212
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,765
Thank you, Ms. Steale.
213
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,326
Hey, if your roommate needs
a photo to go with the story,
214
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,767
I'll be around tomorrow. And the next day.
215
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:39,921
And the day after that.
216
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,968
I'm actually around all of next week.
217
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,208
Here. Just contact me.
218
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,325
"Christian Black.
219
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:52,085
"I'm not a bidness man,
I'm a bidness... man."
220
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,641
Thank you so much
for your help, Ms. Steale.
221
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,888
Let me know when those space
Pampers come in, okay?
222
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,485
Save me three boxes!
223
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,931
Got a long drive ahead of me.
224
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,411
Bye!
225
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,130
I'm gonna call you.
226
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,124
- Jesse!
- Hey.
227
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,328
Thank you so much
for doing this last minute.
228
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,125
Hannah, listen,
you are my best friend, okay?
229
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,611
You know I'd do anything for you, right?
230
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:19,966
Oh!
231
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,767
- Yeah. I'd really love a handjob, though.
- What?
232
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,531
I said I really love this job.
It's amazing.
233
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,204
Oh, my God. Get in here.
234
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,930
Later I wanna hit it.
235
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,770
Uh... Um...
236
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,490
I didn't catch the last thing.
237
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,648
I said later I wanna hit the bar.
238
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,006
- Oh.
- Come on, Hannah,
239
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,730
it's what platonic friends do.
240
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,165
You know? You grab a beer, right?
241
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:40,287
Then you make out and have sex
242
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,051
until we question the status of our
friendship or whatever, you know?
243
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,811
- I guess. Come on.
- Yeah. Come here.
244
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,490
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
245
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,961
Hannah! Did you just kiss me on my lips?
246
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,691
- Wait, I thought that...
- No. Listen. Okay, let's get one thing clear.
247
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,724
- We are just friends. Don't make it weird.
- Oh, no, I thought...
248
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,081
- It's okay, I'll fuck you later.
- Wait. What?
249
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,282
I said I'll see you later.
250
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,005
- Jeez, Hannah.
- Oh.
251
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,170
Just go.
252
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,325
Pow! Pow!
253
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,087
Girl, he's staring at you like some real
254
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,083
Fear-type shit right now, girl.
255
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,605
He look like Marky Mark
256
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,967
after he left the Funky Bunch
and started acting, girl.
257
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,405
All right, give me a smile.
258
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,001
Cheese.
259
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,321
All right, don't ever
fucking smile again, okay?
260
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,160
He asked me to go to coffee
with him after the shoot.
261
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,730
Oh, girl, that's cute!
262
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,450
Last time I went to coffee,
263
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,682
I got eaten out outside of McDonald's.
264
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,651
That McCafé menu got a girl gushin'.
265
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,006
All right, let's break the Internet.
266
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,041
Eat.
267
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,846
I'm not your dog,
you can't tell me what to do.
268
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,806
You're right. If you were my dog,
I would do this.
269
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,521
Bad girl! Bad, bad, bad girl!
270
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,566
So, tell me about your family.
271
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:02,886
Well...
272
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,088
My dad left me when I was two years old,
273
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,885
so I was mostly raised by my stepdad, Ron.
274
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,923
That's painfully uninteresting.
275
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,441
How about your mother?
276
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,688
- She's been married eight times.
- Yeah.
277
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,649
She's an incurable romantic.
278
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,324
Are you a romantic?
279
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,686
I guess.
280
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,406
I mean, I like long walks on the beach.
281
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,050
I like baby talk, I like to cuddle.
282
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,849
Ooh, and I love Nicholas Sparks movies.
283
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,331
Even the one with Miley Cyrus?
284
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,562
- That's my favorite one!
- Bitch, I'm out!
285
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,050
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
286
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,405
Ooh, that tastes
like a white boy on spring break.
287
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,921
I hate him. I'm gonna call him.
288
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,769
You want another drink?
289
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,081
Yes. Drink to forget.
290
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,685
Yeah.
291
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,325
Oh, yeah.
292
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,891
That tastes horrible.
293
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,008
The Molly must not be
crushed up all the way.
294
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,043
Let me fix it for you.
295
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,125
I gotta go to the bathroom.
296
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,440
You gotta what?
297
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,966
I gotta go to the ladies' room.
298
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,884
- Huh?
- I have to take a shit!
299
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,923
Hannah... Hannah, you feeling all right?
A little woozy perhaps?
300
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,327
- Whoa!
- Huh? Unable to make good decisions?
301
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,726
We should take it to the next level
and you, like, suck my dick.
302
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,521
Baby, you take it to the next level,
you stop feelin' sick, okay?
303
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,683
Oh, my God. You are my bestest friend.
304
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,330
Yes. With benefits.
305
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,290
Ah... Fuck my mouth with your fingers.
306
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,601
Fuck!
307
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,450
I'm never gonna get none.
308
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,487
I'll fuck you.
I ain't gonna like it, but I'll do it.
309
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,329
Listen, I don't fuck white girls, okay?
310
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,044
Nigga, who you callin' white?
311
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,362
She just call me the N word?
312
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,204
Kind of turned me on.
313
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,323
Call me "nigga" again.
314
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,082
Mmm-hmm.
315
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:13,811
Well, hello there.
316
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,882
Yeah, this is Hannah.
317
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:17,801
Hannah, are you wasted?
318
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,291
Yes, I am wasted.
319
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,011
You're a hole-ass,
you're might on the roney,
320
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,361
you penis suck of yours.
321
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,525
You sound like Yoda. Listen,
I want you to go home right now.
322
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,284
Don't tell me what to do,
323
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,761
Mr. "Oh, let's go for coffee.
324
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,803
"No, stay away from me!"
325
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,326
Let me put this in words
you can understand.
326
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,370
Now, right home you go!
327
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,441
No!
328
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:42,961
I told him.
329
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,961
- Mmm-hmm.
- Bitch, you smell like shit.
330
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,446
Ugh!
331
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,041
Oh, Hannah! Hannah!
Hey, it's cold out here.
332
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,201
You can't come out like that.
333
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,725
Oh, thank you.
334
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,086
How you feelin'?
335
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,850
Just a little bit drunk.
336
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,400
Are you, like, Donald-Trump-running-
for-president drunk
337
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,687
or, like, Donald-Trump-saying-
he-don't-like-Mexicans drunk?
338
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:09,966
'Cause that's some crazy shit, man.
339
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,327
A lot of Mexicans out there
just crossing the border and shit!
340
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,324
And you show them niggas love!
Show them niggas love!
341
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,401
Can I show you some love?
342
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:17,527
What? No!
343
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,968
Come on. Come on! Just one kiss, man!
344
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,042
I don't know when you gonna
be this drunk again!
345
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,690
Come on, gimme that kiss!
346
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:25,761
Ow! Stop!
347
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,366
- Hey! Hey! She said no!
- Stop!
348
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,241
Christian!
349
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,726
You just push me, nigga?
350
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,248
Oh, you got some crazy shit coming, boy.
351
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,721
Wait. Hold up. This nigga comin' back?
352
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:37,847
Comin' to you, nigga.
353
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,524
He comin' back!
354
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,364
Damn!
355
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,768
Christian, stay down!
356
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,445
Okay. Okay.
357
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,280
The nigga's a ninja! This nigga's a ninja.
358
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,608
Worldstar!
359
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,604
- Bitch!
- He had such a beautiful face.
360
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,125
Did he leave?
361
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,043
You better run!
362
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,285
Oh, I don't feel so good, Christian.
363
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:04,407
Come on, let's get you home.
364
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,608
Oh, no, I can't with you,
365
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,769
because my roommate is in there.
366
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,249
Don't worry.
She's being well taken care of.
367
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:14,890
What's your name again?
368
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,088
My name is Eli.
369
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,731
My friends call me Weekday.
370
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,325
I'm Christian's brother.
371
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,050
Ooh... Mmm...
372
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,168
The poor one.
373
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,287
Mmm-mmm...
374
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,249
I know what you're saying,
375
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:35,167
"Oh, he's financially poor,
yet spiritually rich."
376
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,606
Mmm...
377
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,160
- Nah, that don't count.
- What do you feel?
378
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,171
- What do you feel?
- Oh, my God.
379
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,642
When does that end? Oh, my God!
380
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:51,448
The weight of my penis makes
my money too heavy to carry around!
381
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:52,686
Yes!
382
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,325
I'll see you later, woman.
383
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,525
- Until we meet again.
- How can I touch you?
384
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,443
I mean, get in touch with you!
385
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:01,931
My number
386
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,211
is seven.
387
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:05,281
Oh!
388
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,568
That's a good number. Oh, God.
389
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,165
I'mma call you!
390
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,323
Good morning.
391
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,930
I've been staring at you all night.
392
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,206
I haven't blinked once.
393
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,370
Gosh, my eyes are hurting.
394
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,885
- How did I get here?
- I brought you here, Hannah.
395
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,201
Did you undress me?
396
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,850
I sure did. Mmm...
397
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,571
My God, we didn't...
398
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,928
No, we didn't.
399
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,489
And I have the blue balls to prove it.
400
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,089
Look at these things.
401
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,406
Ugh!
402
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,087
What are those? What the fuck are those?
403
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,765
Oh... It hurts so much.
404
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,410
I don't know what to do!
405
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,811
Why are you showing me this?
406
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,891
I ordered you some breakfast.
407
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,087
Here. Eat. You'll need your strength.
408
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,086
But you licked this one, and did
all sorts of other weird stuff to it.
409
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,925
Can I get a fresh one? Maybe some jam.
410
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,610
No, eat it.
411
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,001
Why don't you just
leave me alone, Christian?
412
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,088
Because I'm incapable
of leaving you alone.
413
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,050
I'm a certified stalker.
414
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:25,362
I have four restraining orders,
and I'm currently working on a fifth.
415
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:26,965
Listen to me.
416
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,771
I don't do the romance thing.
417
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:33,602
Anal, yes. Fisting, sure.
418
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,401
Two in the pink, one in the stink, yeah.
419
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,450
I do that. But I don't do romance.
420
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,084
You know, I'd like to bite that lip.
421
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,810
I wish you would.
422
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,441
Ow!
423
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:51,681
Ow! Mmm...
424
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:52,886
Oh, my God!
425
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,530
Come on, let's get you outta here.
426
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,961
- God, that made me wet.
- Oh!
427
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,441
Oh, love it.
428
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,003
Fuck the bullshit.
429
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,323
How you doin'?
430
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,365
Open your eyes. Lizard kisses, come on.
431
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,000
Vampire bite!
432
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:58,806
I love it! More!
433
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,120
Yes! Yes!
434
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,605
Oh, my God!
435
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,604
You shut up and watch.
436
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,891
Get outta here!
437
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,011
Excuse me.
438
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,049
I have to warn you,
elevators make me horny.
439
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,010
Ooh, Daddy, I want you
to write a song about me.
440
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:32,924
I wanna be your muse.
441
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,604
Oh, this is a great time.
442
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,206
I'm inspired to write a song
443
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,611
about you right now.
444
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,523
Ooh, that feels so good.
445
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,251
'Cause I love havin' sex unprotected
446
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,361
Ooh.
447
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,889
And I love when my dick's in you naked
448
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,371
Deeper, Daddy, deeper! Yeah!
449
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,848
Goin' raw in you, you, you...
450
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,285
Yes! Yes!
451
00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:00,728
Goin' raw in you, you, you, you
452
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,202
Ooh, I think you going platinum
in about two minutes! Oh!
453
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,284
You're infected, yeah
454
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,365
Need antiseptic, yeah
455
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,130
'Cause, girl, you burned it
456
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,441
Ooh, that like an E minor or something?
457
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,443
Oh, you burned it!
458
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,525
Oh, you burned
459
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,364
Ah... You...
460
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:25,361
Ooh, shit.
461
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,169
Motherfucker!
462
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,450
You done? I gotta get to church.
463
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,201
- Hey!
- Oh.
464
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,441
You two are fucking.
465
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,323
- Ooh.
- Hey, bro.
466
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,969
- How you doin'?
- My brother.
467
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,281
My brother, peace and blessings.
468
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,642
Hannah, this is my little brother, Eli.
469
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,365
- Little?
- Yes.
470
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,761
I'm Eli, like the movie about the book,
471
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,126
because I'm deep.
472
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,241
He is deep.
473
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:57,321
Balls deep.
474
00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,686
Yeah.
475
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,364
Kateesha told me a lot about you.
476
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,568
Yeah, you're like... You're, like, a lot
477
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,483
plainer than I thought you would be.
478
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,403
Well, she plain but pretty.
479
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,729
- You're like a brick wall, just boring and rigid...
- Okay.
480
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,201
And just ashy in some places.
481
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,009
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
enough with the small talk.
482
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,041
We have a long drive ahead of us.
483
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,322
We do. Great pleasure.
It's been a pleasure.
484
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:21,730
The moon shall rise again.
485
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,326
Ooh, that so romantic, boo.
What that mean?
486
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:29,041
- Deuces, bitch.
- Okay, I got you! I see you later!
487
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,043
- Nice meeting you.
- Bye.
488
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:36,361
All right, so listen.
Meet me at the office later.
489
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,130
I have something special planned for you.
490
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,524
- Okay? Deuces, bitch.
- Mmm-hmm.
491
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,443
- Who you calling a bitch?
- Oh, shit!
492
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:43,727
Damn, girl.
493
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,768
I was just saying. He said it to her,
494
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:46,921
and I thought it was cute.
495
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,041
Mmm.
496
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,130
Damn, bitch... I mean, girl.
497
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,325
Are you ready for the ride of your life?
498
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,607
Oh, my God!
Are we gonna go in your helicopter?
499
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:13,687
I can't believe you thought I was
gonna take you on the chopper.
500
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,209
We haven't even fucked yet.
501
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:21,960
After you.
502
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,163
Holy shit! You live here?
503
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,049
What, a black man can't have
a nice place like this?
504
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:37,125
No, a black man cannot have
a beautiful place like this.
505
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,089
You know, Wesley Snipes
had a place like this,
506
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,764
before he stopped doing his own taxes.
507
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:43,486
How about some wine?
508
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:44,686
Yes, please.
509
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:45,761
Okay.
510
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,366
Do you know why
I brought you here, Hannah?
511
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,687
I'm assuming to make sweet love.
512
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,366
I don't make love. I fuck.
513
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,488
Hard and quick.
514
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,161
Really quick.
515
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,563
It's like a Ronda Rousey fight.
You blink and it's over.
516
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,889
Okay.
517
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,321
But first you're gonna have to sign
518
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,686
a nondisclosure agreement.
519
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:11,121
What's that?
520
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,010
It's basically lawyer talk
for "shut the fuck up."
521
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:16,129
Come with me. I'll explain.
522
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,401
A nondisclosure agreement
523
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:20,490
protects both you and me, but mostly me.
524
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:29,209
Behind this door is my playroom.
525
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,408
You mean, like,
for your PlayStation and stuff?
526
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:36,728
Ooh. That's a nice key.
527
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,606
So tight.
528
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:50,082
Keyhole don't wanna open!
You ready to get opened?
529
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,487
Reload, man! Reload! I told you to reload!
530
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:03,571
I'm an Xbox man myself.
531
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:04,766
Oh, you next, Black!
532
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:05,921
You don't want none of this.
533
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:07,525
Yo, when you done
with Wendy Williams over there,
534
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,642
jump on this game
so I can shoot you in the face!
535
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,366
I'm gonna be honest with you, Christian.
She's not attractive.
536
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,090
Like, the bitch look like she got lupus.
537
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,924
Well, you look like a thumb that's
been yanked out of somebody's asshole.
538
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,924
Oh!
539
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:23,761
Slam dunk!
540
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:24,841
That's crazy. That's crazy.
541
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,524
Yeah, well, how about... Ha!
542
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,250
- I got nothing.
- 'Cause I'm better than you.
543
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:30,925
Okay, well, I got something
544
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:32,286
I really wanna show you.
545
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,528
Oh, my God.
It's not more broke niggas, is it?
546
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,011
- No more broke niggas.
- No offense.
547
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,811
And don't worry about those
ingrown hairs on your penis.
548
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,126
We can't see them through your pants.
549
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:41,804
Don't give her all the dick, bro.
550
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,564
- She don't deserve it.
- Half the dick.
551
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:45,847
Over there fucking Charles Barkley.
552
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:18,325
Fuck this shit! I'm out!
553
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,121
Please, Ms. Steale.
Just keep an open mind.
554
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,522
Tantalizing.
555
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,564
Got these from my grandma.
556
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:04,683
You're a sick motherfucker.
557
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,531
No, Bill Cosby's a sick motherfucker.
558
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:08,726
I'm just a dominant.
559
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,404
What does that have to do with me?
560
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,401
I want you to give
yourself to me sexually.
561
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,282
Hence all the whips, chains
and freaky sex toys.
562
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:20,849
And what would I get out of it?
563
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:22,761
Me.
564
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:27,330
Oh, my God!
565
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,331
- Ooh. Let me get this straight.
- Mmm-hmm.
566
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:33,490
So, you wanna beat me
with these paddles...
567
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,528
- Whip.
- Whips.
568
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:37,165
You wanna chain me to this rack...
569
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,049
Eh... Handcuff.
570
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:41,367
And humiliate me in unimaginable ways,
571
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,886
and in exchange for all this torture,
572
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:45,570
I get you?
573
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,206
Yeah, that's correct.
574
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:48,845
And women go for this?
575
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,651
Some women.
576
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:56,210
- It's like Disneyland for grown-ups.
- Yeah.
577
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,046
So, what do you think?
578
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:00,561
I'm pretty much cool with anything,
579
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:04,002
as long as you promise you won't
tell my dad I fucked a black guy.
580
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,162
So, what do you think?
581
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,048
Two things. Where's the cup,
582
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:13,849
and when do we eat shit?
583
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,842
What we supposed to do in here?
584
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,765
Well, I thought we'd start
with a little bit of rope play.
585
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:24,521
No!
586
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:28,403
Okay, well, how about I just mount you
to that rack over there and spank you?
587
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:30,124
Hell to the no!
588
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,201
Perhaps a little bit of flogging?
589
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,011
I don't even know
what the hell flogging means,
590
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,128
so fuck to the no!
591
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:40,722
Okay, well, what are
we supposed to do then?
592
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,485
You need to find Jesus!
That's what you can do.
593
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,121
Okay, here's how it goes.
594
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,726
I've drafted a standard contract
that lays out the terms.
595
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,481
Lots of sex, we have more sex.
596
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:55,562
Yadda-yadda, we end with sex.
597
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,010
You look it over, and you negotiate
what you're willing to do.
598
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:02,404
I hate to throw a monkey wrench
599
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,164
into the whole works here,
600
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,481
but I...
601
00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:07,641
You have low self-esteem?
602
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,484
No. I...
603
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,449
You have daddy issues.
604
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:14,166
No.
605
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,328
What I'm trying to tell you is, I'm a...
606
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,250
- A virgin?
- Yeah.
607
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,444
Man! I can't believe this!
608
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:27,486
I don't understand!
609
00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,410
Okay, tell me you've done something.
610
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:31,606
Blowjob?
611
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,280
- Where does the blowing come in?
- Finger pop?
612
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:36,522
- No.
- Angry panda?
613
00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:39,126
- Why is it angry?
- Why did you ask that?
614
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,843
Oh, my God! Okay,
tell me you've done anal.
615
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:44,160
I know how it goes.
616
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,647
You let guys put it in your little
rusty bullet hole
617
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,520
so you can tell your mama
and your pastor that you're still a virgin.
618
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,250
I've just been waiting.
619
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,651
For what?
620
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,007
Girl, you are 20-something years old!
621
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,805
It don't get no better.
It's going to spoil!
622
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:02,569
It's fermenting down there.
Just fermenting. Okay?
623
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:04,642
You gonna tell me nobody wanted the pussy?
624
00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:08,886
Well, I just am very selective
about who I've wanted to...
625
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,041
Oh, selective?
626
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:13,449
Oh, that sound like something somebody
with a pussy that nobody wanted would say.
627
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,409
- Hey.
- Don't get me wrong.
628
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,290
I don't want it all worn out
like an old washing machine belt
629
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,648
or hanging like wet straps in a car wash
630
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:25,645
or flapping around like an inflatable
figure outside of a mattress store.
631
00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:28,007
But I want it to have some experience.
632
00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:31,366
Okay, look.
633
00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:35,364
We're gonna fix this situation. Right now.
634
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,842
I've been waiting my whole life for this.
635
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,240
Come on.
636
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:42,481
Yes!
637
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,408
Oh... Very...
638
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:00,490
Very Sasquatch of you.
639
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:02,688
Have you never had sex
with a virgin before?
640
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:04,125
Not a hairy one.
641
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,650
Ow! You nicked me!
642
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:14,721
Shh...
643
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,044
What the hell?
644
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:24,882
Oh, yeah, I have an outie.
645
00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,165
Oh, wow!
646
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:31,086
Whoa!
647
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:32,691
That got flavor!
648
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,609
- What?
- You're the first person who's seen it.
649
00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:38,404
Little Eskimo kisses?
650
00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:42,891
Ooh, I never had anyone
do that to it before.
651
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,247
- Ooh! Watch the teeth!
- Sorry.
652
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,331
Got him.
653
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,411
Okay.
654
00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:22,444
Sorry. I didn't have time to shower.
655
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:23,601
Shit!
656
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:40,481
Thank you.
657
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:43,491
Ooh!
658
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,963
Okay. You ready?
659
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,806
I'm gonna take you
to a whole 'nother galaxy!
660
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,530
Oh, my God, I'm coming!
661
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:56,520
Oh, God!
662
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,848
God! God! God! God!
663
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:05,324
- Whoo!
- Already?
664
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,131
Oh, that was amazing.
665
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:12,246
Really? I guess I was expecting something
666
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:14,086
different.
667
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,561
Don't worry about it.
It's your first time. Don't sweat it.
668
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,130
You'll get better with experience.
Just keep working on it.
669
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:24,046
Oh, you know, it's customary for a woman
670
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:25,810
to make a man an oversized sandwich
671
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,166
to help him regain his strength.
672
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,882
Either that or some leftover pizza,
or maybe a Hot Pocket.
673
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,002
You want me to make you a Hot Pocket now?
674
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,203
I don't make the rules,
I'm just telling you.
675
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:37,809
You got a lot to learn, kid.
676
00:37:38,720 --> 00:37:39,767
Mmm...
677
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:45,090
Are you asleep already?
678
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,365
Nigga!
679
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:48,566
Ugh!
680
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:17,565
Christian?
681
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:21,050
- Christian!
- Oh, shit!
682
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:22,246
Who the fuck is that?
683
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,289
My mother.
684
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,602
Oh!
685
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:28,686
Great.
686
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,889
Now I gotta get rid of
two crazy bitches. Fuck.
687
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:34,885
Mother!
688
00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,088
- Ah, Christian.
- Hello.
689
00:38:37,240 --> 00:38:40,084
Oh, you better get dressed,
or we're gonna be late for the regatta.
690
00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:41,969
I forgot that was today.
691
00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:43,570
You're not doing crack again, are you?
692
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:45,329
- No, Mother.
- I never raised you that way.
693
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:48,324
However, it is a prominent trait
in your genealogical pool.
694
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:49,526
Hello.
695
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,762
I'm standing my ground!
I'm standing my ground!
696
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:55,251
Oh, shit!
697
00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,164
Mother, what're you doing?
That's Hannah Steale!
698
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:01,250
How many times I gotta tell you?
Black lives matter.
699
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:02,810
Come on, let's get you up.
700
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,522
- Hannah, this is my mother, Claire.
- Oh.
701
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,400
I am so sorry, Hannah.
702
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:14,485
Oh, my, you have beautiful breasts.
703
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,489
I would've thought they'd be more droopy,
704
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,443
like a sock with a rock in the toe,
705
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,807
like in those
National Geographic magazines.
706
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:24,084
You're gonna have to forgive
my mother's behavior.
707
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:28,210
Sometimes she can be factually
inaccurate and quite racist.
708
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:30,169
Do not apologize for me, Christian.
709
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:31,730
I am your mother, and I love you
710
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,529
like you were my own white child.
711
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,642
But I still hide
my wallet at night, just in case.
712
00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:37,210
As you should, Mother.
713
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,328
It is awesome to meet you.
714
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:43,768
- Are you two dating?
- Oh, no, Mother, we're not dating.
715
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,524
We're just fucking. Hard.
716
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:47,927
And quick. Apparently, it's the best way.
717
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,563
Well, I just can't tell you how
pleased I am to meet you, Hannah.
718
00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:55,247
I mean, you're the first woman
I've seen Christian with.
719
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:56,810
I assumed that he was...
720
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,204
What would Oprah say? "On the DL?"
721
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:03,321
Christian, you can do so much better.
722
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,447
Oh, Mother.
723
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:06,170
You're one of the richest,
most handsome men in the world.
724
00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:07,480
You could date white women.
725
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:09,085
Like Tiger Woods and Seal.
726
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:10,969
Okay, it's time for you to go, Mother.
727
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:15,170
Or like Taye Diggs or Quincy Jones.
Or even Ice-T.
728
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:19,451
Hannah, Christian's Chinese sister,
Mai, has come to town,
729
00:40:19,560 --> 00:40:22,326
so we're gonna hide the cats
and have the family over for dinner.
730
00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:24,442
- You should come.
- I'd be delighted.
731
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:25,806
It was really nice to meet you.
732
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:27,689
Okay, great. Time to go, Mom.
733
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:30,247
Oh...
734
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,562
Now, where is my wallet?
735
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,369
Still there.
736
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,169
- You just never know.
- Yeah.
737
00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:38,767
Mmm...
738
00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,683
They're delicious. Mmm.
739
00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:42,247
All right.
740
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,809
We had breakfast. Time to go.
741
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,366
Ooh, look, your Uber's here. All right.
742
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:54,204
Okay, what?
743
00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:56,567
Spit it out.
744
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:59,088
Well, how did you get into this whole
745
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,362
dominant-submissive thing?
746
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,687
It was one of my mother's
really close friends,
747
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,444
and my music teacher.
748
00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:08,804
I was 16.
749
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:11,560
She was older.
750
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:24,006
Don't look so nervous, Christian.
751
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:28,847
All I ask is that you do your very best.
752
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,931
I thought I was supposed
to be here for music lessons.
753
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,570
Baby, you are.
754
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:39,089
And your lesson starts right here.
755
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,642
Hey, hey. Ooh. Snap.
756
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:46,729
We got a regular John Holmes here,
757
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:49,483
without the big dick and the stamina!
758
00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:52,923
Okay! Again! One, two, three!
759
00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:54,650
Ow!
760
00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:57,206
Do you know why I hit you in the head
with that tambourine, Black?
761
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:58,486
I have no idea.
762
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,210
Well, were you rushing
or were you dragging?
763
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:01,805
I... I thought I was fucking.
764
00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:04,121
Oh! That wasn't fucking!
765
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,604
Now, count off.
766
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:08,965
One, two...
767
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:11,169
Was I rushing or was I dragging?
768
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,567
- Answer the question!
- You were rushing!
769
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,203
Is that a tear? Oh! Poor little guy.
770
00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,567
- Are you upset?
- I'm upset.
771
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:24,208
You worthless, adopted,
unloved little piece of shit!
772
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:29,408
Weeping and slobbering over
my vagina like a 9-year-old girl!
773
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:31,767
Now, for the last father-fucking time,
774
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:34,924
- say it louder so I can hear it!
- I'm upset!
775
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:37,765
Oh, Black, get off the bed!
You make me sick.
776
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:39,888
- But I'm upset.
- Get off the bed!
777
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,163
- You're not ready for this!
- I'm ready!
778
00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:44,401
Ugh!
779
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:46,608
Willy? Willy, you're up next.
780
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:48,407
Willy?
781
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,528
You better get your shit together, Black!
782
00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,331
You're not gonna amount
to anything, sexually or musically.
783
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:54,890
And you know what the biggest
784
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,803
disappointment of all is to me?
785
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,846
I thought all you black men
had rhythm and a big dick!
786
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:03,209
Boy, was I mistaken!
787
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:06,129
I have rhythm!
788
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,651
You're all set, Ms. Steale.
Courtesy of Mr. Black.
789
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:16,046
What the heck?
790
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:22,446
What is that? Is that a drone?
791
00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:25,004
All right, just sign here.
792
00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:30,322
Thank you very much.
793
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,441
Ooh, girl, another gift?
794
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,127
Damn, you must be giving that bomb head!
795
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:45,322
Wait a minute, is that a Retina
display MacBook Pro?
796
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,289
Bitch, you lickin' that butthole!
797
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:48,805
I didn't lick a butthole!
798
00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:50,291
Shit, you lucky, girl.
799
00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:54,126
Like, I licked six buttholes last week!
I got a Dell!
800
00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:56,046
Desktop!
801
00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:58,043
I can't take that shit anywhere, girl.
802
00:43:58,320 --> 00:43:59,481
Hey, the mail come already?
803
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:00,721
No.
804
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:04,964
It's just a weird sex contract
Christian wants me to sign.
805
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:09,125
You sign that, but then you get
that paper, boo, all right?
806
00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:13,205
A bitch gotta get hers.
You keep licking that bootie, okay?
807
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:50,402
We're done?
808
00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:52,722
- Wha...
- Yeah, I read your text.
809
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:55,201
Wow face, sparkly diamond, poop?
810
00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:56,361
Like, what does that even mean?
811
00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,204
You got me all fucked up
with your emojis, like...
812
00:44:58,280 --> 00:44:59,520
Hey, how did you get in here?
813
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:01,045
Does it matter?
814
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:04,044
Yes, actually it does matter, because you
don't live here and you don't have a key.
815
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:08,489
You don't need a key
to get in a hamper, Hannah.
816
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:10,449
Here, now, help me outta here.
817
00:45:11,200 --> 00:45:14,090
You're lucky I wasn't
in your medicine cabinet,
818
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:15,850
or your jewelry box.
819
00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:17,081
I tried to hide in your nightstand,
820
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:19,162
but you had this Gideon Bible
in there and I couldn't fit.
821
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,007
Wait a minute, did you break
in through that window?
822
00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:24,047
This one?
823
00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:25,849
Oh, no, that could've been anybody.
824
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:29,608
The brick on the ground says
"Property of Christian Black."
825
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,205
"Christian..."
826
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:33,647
Yeah, yeah, it does.
827
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,964
But, I mean, that could belong
to any black Christian, right?
828
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:38,280
I mean, okay, shh...
829
00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:42,130
Enough with the interrogation.
830
00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:44,726
Come here.
831
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:20,371
Do not move,
832
00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:23,891
or I'll be forced to punish you.
833
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,051
I said don't move!
834
00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:42,121
Okay.
835
00:46:42,720 --> 00:46:43,721
Ooh!
836
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:47,327
That feels weird.
What is that? It's so hairy.
837
00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:58,922
Yeah! Yes!
838
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:01,526
Wait, wait, wait, don't move.
Don't, don't...
839
00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:15,089
Damn it, that shit was cold!
840
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:20,607
Are you ready, Ms. Steale?
841
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:21,761
Yes, Christian.
842
00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:31,327
Ooh!
843
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:32,845
You brought a condom, right?
844
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,285
- A condom?
- Yeah.
845
00:47:36,360 --> 00:47:38,124
Oh... Okay. Yeah, of course!
846
00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:40,362
Of course I got a condom.
Hold on one second.
847
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:41,840
God damn it!
848
00:47:42,240 --> 00:47:45,687
Just knowing you care enough
to use protection excites me.
849
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:47,404
Aha! Old trusty dusty!
850
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:52,963
"March, 1982?" Aw, hell no.
851
00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:55,808
Yeah, I got one right here! Found it!
852
00:47:56,840 --> 00:47:59,411
Here, let me open it
up so you can hear it.
853
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:07,490
Okay.
854
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:11,121
I'm just gonna scoot
these little bad boys to the side.
855
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:14,245
Oh! And then I'm gonna
park this right there.
856
00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:16,882
Oh, my God, it feels so natural.
857
00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:19,201
It's like you're not
wearing anything at all!
858
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,089
It's lambskin foreskin.
859
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:25,364
- Oh! Just relax.
- What?
860
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:26,601
No, not you. Now I'm talking to myself.
861
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:31,763
Okay? Oh... Ready?
862
00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:40,683
That was like two strokes!
863
00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:44,447
This nigga's back here settin' records!
864
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:46,682
They gonna put me on a Wheaties box! Oh!
865
00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:48,364
Thank God you're wearing a condom.
866
00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:51,007
I know, 'cause, boy,
867
00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:52,969
we wouldn't want to
get you pregnant, right?
868
00:48:53,040 --> 00:48:56,408
I know. I'm not even taking any
birth control and I'm ovulating.
869
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:58,323
Did I tell you that twins
run in my family?
870
00:48:58,400 --> 00:48:59,526
Twins?
871
00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:01,090
My sister had sextuplets.
872
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:02,161
Sextu...
873
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:07,081
Oh, really?
Let me just get an after-sex mint.
874
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:09,405
Here, Hannah, here.
875
00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:11,323
Have one of these. Here you go.
876
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:12,606
Yeah.
877
00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:14,688
- Ugh! It tastes weird.
- All done?
878
00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:15,886
Ah!
879
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:18,722
Good girl. Phew!
880
00:49:58,200 --> 00:49:59,611
Shall we begin, Ms. Steale?
881
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:02,241
Page one, paragraph one.
882
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:04,251
This must change!
883
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:06,725
There's a typo in the header.
884
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:09,967
That's it?
885
00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:12,964
Mr. Black, I will end
this negotiation right now!
886
00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:15,649
My apologies.
887
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:18,243
Page four, section 13-20.
888
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:20,841
With regards to anal fisting...
889
00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:23,680
- Is there a problem?
- Absolutely not.
890
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:26,445
And strike out vaginal fisting.
891
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:27,726
I mean, if you're gonna do anal,
892
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:30,690
you're obviously gonna have vaginal fisting.
I mean, it's a given.
893
00:50:30,760 --> 00:50:32,285
Oh, for sure. I will put that...
894
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:34,442
I'm putting that in there in bold.
895
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:38,889
Next page, sex toys.
"Are they acceptable to the submissive?"
896
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:42,967
Dildos, I guess. Butt plugs, fine.
897
00:50:43,160 --> 00:50:44,321
- Fuck yeah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa...
898
00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:45,526
How did this slip through the cracks?
899
00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:46,726
What's with the genital clamps?
900
00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,802
Sorry, Ms. Steale, I...
901
00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:50,769
I can't seem to find those in my...
902
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:52,968
Because you forgot to put them in there.
903
00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:55,490
Rookie move, Mr. Black.
904
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:57,606
Silly me.
905
00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:08,602
Let's be clear. I will not share you
with another woman.
906
00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:12,321
- I require at least two or three.
- Five.
907
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:14,129
- Seven.
- Seven it is.
908
00:51:14,240 --> 00:51:16,481
You're not gonna
shortchange me, Mr. Black.
909
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:18,802
You drive a hard bargain, Ms. Steale.
910
00:51:19,240 --> 00:51:21,163
- Thank you.
- You know, Ms. Steale,
911
00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:23,527
I'd like to fuck you
into the middle of next month.
912
00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,082
Silly. You couldn't fuck me
913
00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:27,889
into the middle of the next minute.
914
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,849
I'll fuck you into a different galaxy.
915
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,082
You'll be like, "Oh, shit,
it's cold in Pluto!"
916
00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,686
Yeah, well, I'm gonna fuck you
at the Stephen Hawking exhibit.
917
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:38,447
And I'm gonna ram your ass so hard that I
cause a tear in the time-space continuum.
918
00:51:38,520 --> 00:51:41,325
I'll fuck you through slavery times,
and you'll get your freedom papers.
919
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:44,765
Yeah, well, I'm gonna rent me a DeLorean
and fuck you back to the future.
920
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:48,005
I'll fuck you into a whole 'nother planet,
where that insect is from Men in Black.
921
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,367
You'll be like, "Oh, shit!
How many times you fuck me?"
922
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,966
Three million, 746 hundred million times.
923
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:54,087
And you'd be like, "Why?"
924
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:56,162
And I'd be like, "Shut up,"
and I hit you with the neuron, like...
925
00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:00,045
You'd be like,
926
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:03,645
"Oh, my God, why is my vagina so sore?"
927
00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:05,768
And I'd be like, "You fell."
928
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:08,802
Well played, Mr. Black.
929
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:10,041
I've done this before.
930
00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:15,164
And he's a major beneficiary
of our university.
931
00:52:15,240 --> 00:52:18,130
Interestingly enough, he donates all cash.
932
00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:22,008
Usually in ones, fives, twenties,
933
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:25,243
the odd rolled-up $100 bill
that's got a little bit of powder on it.
934
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,251
Please welcome Mr. Christian Black.
935
00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:35,291
What you talkin' 'bout my business, huh?
Don't get cut.
936
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:41,961
Thank you.
Let's talk about life and your purpose.
937
00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:47,327
You all spent four hard years
in this school getting your diploma,
938
00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:50,529
putting your parents in debt,
939
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:51,601
for what?
940
00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:56,250
Between global warming
and the world economy crashing,
941
00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:59,204
I don't even know why you're
trying to better yourselves.
942
00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:02,449
Give up hope! Think about it.
943
00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:04,443
You are wasting time.
944
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:07,291
You. You're a drug addict
waiting to happen.
945
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:10,569
Look at you. You can't wait to get
outta here and smoke some weed.
946
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:13,291
And you! You are a stripper!
947
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,246
Your ass is twerkin'
as I'm sitting here talking.
948
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,084
You can find the rhythm in anything.
949
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:19,401
And you, sir.
950
00:53:19,720 --> 00:53:22,644
Well, you're white. You'll be fine.
951
00:53:23,320 --> 00:53:25,687
So, in closing, I would like to say,
952
00:53:26,240 --> 00:53:29,687
"Thank God I'm not you."
953
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,965
- Kateesha! Oh, my God, we did it!
- Girl!
954
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:35,246
I'm so proud of you.
955
00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:37,288
Who you telling? I was close, girl.
956
00:53:37,400 --> 00:53:41,928
I was one handjob away
from losing valedictorian to that bitch,
957
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:43,570
Lindsey Hung, right?
958
00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:45,404
- What are you talking...
- Shut up.
959
00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:47,649
I see that bitch, she talkin' shit.
960
00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:49,565
She gonna need a gynecologist
961
00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:51,927
when I'm done fucking
that bitch up! All right!
962
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:53,565
Girl, I'll see you later.
963
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:55,210
I'mma go punch a bitch in the throat.
964
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:57,402
Lindsey! You bilingual bitch!
965
00:53:57,600 --> 00:53:58,886
So proud of you.
966
00:53:59,720 --> 00:54:00,846
Hannah!
967
00:54:00,920 --> 00:54:01,921
Dad!
968
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:04,651
I'm so happy to see you.
969
00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:06,967
Oh! I'm so proud of you.
970
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:09,487
You know, I thought
you'd turn out not to be shit.
971
00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:11,244
But you ended up looking real good,
972
00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:13,084
being that you from a drunken whore.
973
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,289
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, your mama's over at the rehab.
974
00:54:16,360 --> 00:54:18,442
Twenty-seven times is the fucking charm.
975
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:20,483
- Isn't it?
- Yeah, it's the fucking charm.
976
00:54:20,560 --> 00:54:21,925
Hey, where are my other stepdads?
977
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:23,604
Right over there.
978
00:54:24,800 --> 00:54:26,848
Jonny Quest, B. B. King.
979
00:54:26,920 --> 00:54:28,604
I don't know who that nigga
is with his shirt off.
980
00:54:28,680 --> 00:54:30,364
That must be your birth daddy.
981
00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:33,530
Yeah, it's all good.
What a great bunch of guys.
982
00:54:33,720 --> 00:54:36,405
And you know the old saying,
"It takes a village."
983
00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:38,608
And it's true. Especially when it comes
984
00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:40,205
to your mom being a gutter slut
985
00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:42,409
and the village is a gangbang.
986
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:45,847
- The village is a gangbang.
- Hannah!
987
00:54:46,720 --> 00:54:47,846
Hi!
988
00:54:48,440 --> 00:54:50,169
Hey, hey, hey, hold up, player!
989
00:54:50,240 --> 00:54:52,447
Shit, how you gonna walk up
and kiss the girl that I raised?
990
00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:53,931
What kind of shit is this?
991
00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:57,209
Ron, this is my boyfriend,
Christian Black.
992
00:54:57,720 --> 00:54:58,926
Boyfriend!
993
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,846
Ron, to be honest with you,
I just fucked her a few times.
994
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:05,124
"Boyfriend" makes
it sound serious, like I went raw.
995
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:06,645
I mean, I might've dipped, but...
996
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:08,131
Are you thinkin' about marrying her?
997
00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:09,321
No.
998
00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:10,561
What if she get pregnant?
999
00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:13,007
Still no, but hell no.
1000
00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:17,320
I like this fella!
1001
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:19,970
I like this nigga right here.
1002
00:55:20,040 --> 00:55:21,326
I fucks with your stepdad.
1003
00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:24,285
You know what, from player to player,
Black, I really like you, man.
1004
00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:27,204
- You can fuck anybody you wanna fuck.
- Thank you.
1005
00:55:27,280 --> 00:55:30,682
Yeah, just don't pass her
around like we did her mama.
1006
00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:32,762
- That's all I ask you to do.
- Yes, sir, out of respect.
1007
00:55:32,840 --> 00:55:34,763
We passed her mama
around like a baton, man.
1008
00:55:34,840 --> 00:55:35,887
Yeah.
1009
00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:37,371
You never told me that about your mother.
1010
00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:39,681
Your mother fucked everybody
in the neighborhood,
1011
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:42,161
and then wanted to settle down
with me, and I went for it.
1012
00:55:42,240 --> 00:55:43,730
You know what, I gotta
hang out with you, man,
1013
00:55:43,800 --> 00:55:45,768
get your knowledge, man,
'cause you got a lot of wisdom.
1014
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:48,161
I got a lot of wisdom
and I been through a lot,
1015
00:55:48,280 --> 00:55:49,805
and I done been with a lot of hos
1016
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,929
and the smells that's on my fingers
1017
00:55:53,120 --> 00:55:54,804
- over all the years...
- Oh, shit! What!
1018
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:57,247
- Still there. Never went away.
- Oh! Damn!
1019
00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:00,604
Wow, sir! I smelled
every last single one of them!
1020
00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:01,761
Yes, man.
1021
00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:04,730
It was like beautiful and horrible
at the same time.
1022
00:56:04,840 --> 00:56:06,888
I've stuck my hands in some of
1023
00:56:06,960 --> 00:56:09,361
the nastiest bitches'
pants all over the world.
1024
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:10,487
Really?
1025
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:13,404
- Asia, Malaysia, Congo.
- Hmm.
1026
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:15,530
That's Dubai right there.
1027
00:56:15,640 --> 00:56:17,324
Wow, I smell the hair.
1028
00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,961
Touched a bitch's booty hole
in Dubai at the airport.
1029
00:56:20,040 --> 00:56:22,202
I bet you could probably spit
a lot of game to me, my nigga.
1030
00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:24,846
Let's take a picture, let me get a picture
of me and you. Make it a selfie.
1031
00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:26,046
No, no, baby. Just me and him.
1032
00:56:26,120 --> 00:56:28,726
Ready? One, two, three. Nigga!
1033
00:56:33,400 --> 00:56:34,731
Where are we going?
1034
00:56:36,960 --> 00:56:38,086
Congratulations, Hannah.
1035
00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:39,810
That's a car.
1036
00:56:40,280 --> 00:56:41,611
With a broken window?
1037
00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:42,920
Do you like it?
1038
00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:49,408
Yeah. It's nice.
1039
00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:51,209
You know what I went through
to steal this car?
1040
00:56:52,320 --> 00:56:55,085
I mean...
The car was a steal.
1041
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:58,883
- Did you just roll your eyes at me?
- No.
1042
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:00,684
Listen, there's only two things I hate,
1043
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:03,207
when you roll your eyes
at me and Craisins.
1044
00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:07,810
Like, what is a Craisin?
It's not a cranberry, it's not a raisin.
1045
00:57:07,880 --> 00:57:09,530
Like, it doesn't even make sense.
1046
00:57:10,720 --> 00:57:13,246
- You just rolled your eyes at me again!
- No, I didn't.
1047
00:57:13,320 --> 00:57:15,288
Yes, you did. I have it on tape.
1048
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:16,771
Check this out. Look at this.
1049
00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:21,850
Oh, what's she doing?
She's rolling her eye. Look at that.
1050
00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:24,962
- How did you do that?
- Come on, you, with me, now.
1051
00:57:25,040 --> 00:57:26,087
But...
1052
00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:28,401
Teach you a little lesson about
rolling your eyes. Come on.
1053
00:57:32,840 --> 00:57:33,841
Oh.
1054
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:37,321
Now, do you know why I'm gonna punish you?
1055
00:57:37,560 --> 00:57:40,040
Because you're a sicko
who likes abusing women.
1056
00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:43,569
While there may be some truth
to that, that's not the reason.
1057
00:57:44,320 --> 00:57:46,004
Because I rolled my eyes.
1058
00:57:46,080 --> 00:57:47,161
Bingo.
1059
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:50,721
Oh!
1060
00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:57,883
This is gonna hurt you a whole
lot more than it's gonna hurt me.
1061
00:58:01,240 --> 00:58:04,084
Ha!
1062
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,487
Welcome to my world.
1063
00:58:07,480 --> 00:58:10,165
Oh, God! Fuck!
1064
00:58:10,720 --> 00:58:12,882
Ooh, that hurt! Oh!
1065
00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:14,446
Did you do it?
1066
00:58:14,560 --> 00:58:16,927
Ow.
1067
00:58:17,200 --> 00:58:19,851
Okay, 15 across, "winter beverage."
1068
00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:22,082
Nothing? You don't feel nothing?
1069
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:24,246
I love knitting.
1070
00:58:30,560 --> 00:58:33,609
Are you gonna spank me?
All this build-up is getting boring.
1071
00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:35,364
Okay, okay, you wanna play?
1072
00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:37,044
Oh, I got something for you.
1073
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:38,246
Excuse me.
1074
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:44,162
Enough of your games.
It's about to get real dark in here.
1075
00:58:44,240 --> 00:58:45,321
Sure.
1076
00:58:47,720 --> 00:58:49,370
Are you gonna find something
that actually works?
1077
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,091
Big brother almighty!
1078
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:53,520
Whoo!
1079
00:58:56,560 --> 00:58:58,528
That was my sorority paddle!
1080
00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:00,166
Oh!
1081
00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:02,244
You know, Hannah,
1082
00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:05,204
I didn't wanna have to do this to you,
1083
00:59:05,800 --> 00:59:07,723
but you've been a naughty girl.
1084
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:14,043
Did you break my fucking stool?
1085
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:15,687
No.
1086
00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,328
I think I'm pretty good at this.
1087
00:59:23,480 --> 00:59:24,481
Oh...
1088
00:59:24,560 --> 00:59:26,722
I don't... I don't understand.
1089
00:59:26,800 --> 00:59:29,929
I fucking hit you with everything.
I don't get it.
1090
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,126
Don't feel bad.
1091
00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:33,961
I haven't really felt anything down there
since I got my butt implants.
1092
00:59:34,040 --> 00:59:37,408
I'll just... I'll see you back
at my place tomorrow. Yeah.
1093
00:59:55,640 --> 00:59:58,849
When you're in this room, you do as I say.
1094
01:00:00,200 --> 01:00:02,362
- Is that understood?
- Yes.
1095
01:00:02,440 --> 01:00:04,408
- Yes, who?
- Yes, sir.
1096
01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:05,721
Good girl.
1097
01:00:07,560 --> 01:00:08,891
Hands up.
1098
01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:25,686
Turn around. On your knees.
1099
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:27,800
Stay.
1100
01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:38,521
Don't look at me!
1101
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:54,324
Raise your hand.
1102
01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:11,767
Did that hurt?
1103
01:01:11,840 --> 01:01:13,001
No.
1104
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:18,447
Sometimes the pain is in your mind.
1105
01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:38,205
God damn it! Motherfuck!
1106
01:01:38,440 --> 01:01:42,161
And sometimes the pain
is not in your mind!
1107
01:01:47,480 --> 01:01:48,720
Jerk!
1108
01:01:52,560 --> 01:01:55,928
I have a very important question
to ask you, Ms. Steale.
1109
01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:58,762
- Where is bin Laden?
- What?
1110
01:01:59,080 --> 01:02:03,483
Where is bin Laden? When was
the last time you saw bin Laden?
1111
01:02:03,560 --> 01:02:05,688
Where is he?
1112
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,569
I don't know!
1113
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:09,961
He's been dead for five years!
1114
01:02:10,080 --> 01:02:11,923
I don't keep up on current events!
1115
01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:20,120
And now the real torture begins.
1116
01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:22,921
Where were we?
1117
01:02:26,080 --> 01:02:28,321
I can't remember the safe word.
1118
01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:30,370
Chapter 23.
1119
01:02:32,640 --> 01:02:35,803
"It was a cold, gloomy day in Seattle."
1120
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:40,085
Oh, God, this book
is 50 shades of fucking terrible.
1121
01:02:41,480 --> 01:02:43,369
Who wrote this, a third-grader?
1122
01:02:43,480 --> 01:02:46,006
Please go back to the water-torture thing!
1123
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:53,889
- What's the safe word?
- Stop it!
1124
01:02:53,960 --> 01:02:55,246
What's your safe word?
1125
01:02:55,320 --> 01:02:56,526
I don't know.
1126
01:02:57,200 --> 01:02:59,646
Please just...
Are you gonna let me down now?
1127
01:02:59,720 --> 01:03:01,131
Yes, Ms. Steale.
1128
01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:07,489
If I could just find these keys.
1129
01:03:08,120 --> 01:03:11,124
You didn't see the keys...
No, I know where they are. I just...
1130
01:03:11,200 --> 01:03:13,441
God, my arms are really starting to hurt.
1131
01:03:13,640 --> 01:03:15,005
I got an idea.
1132
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:18,531
See, most people use a universal
lock key in their sex dungeons
1133
01:03:18,600 --> 01:03:19,965
for reasons just like this. Hmm.
1134
01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:22,407
But what you got here is
an over-molded swivel key.
1135
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:23,641
All right, that's a custom job.
1136
01:03:23,720 --> 01:03:25,807
You're gonna need somebody else
to take a look at this.
1137
01:03:25,880 --> 01:03:27,609
Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
1138
01:03:27,720 --> 01:03:30,841
Next time, I'd put one of those tracker app
things on the key so you don't lose it.
1139
01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:32,684
- What are they called?
- Oh, I know the name.
1140
01:03:32,760 --> 01:03:35,366
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It starts with a "T."
1141
01:03:35,440 --> 01:03:36,771
- Ta...
- Maybe Ten?
1142
01:03:36,840 --> 01:03:38,171
Telepathy?
1143
01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:40,971
Hey, dipshits, it's called a Tile.
1144
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:42,809
Tile!
1145
01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:44,001
Holy shit, you're good!
1146
01:03:44,080 --> 01:03:46,201
- You went to college!
- Hell yeah!
1147
01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:47,611
Come on!
1148
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:50,729
I've picked a lot of locks in my day,
but I've never seen anything like this.
1149
01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:52,848
- Man, it's impressive.
- Thank you.
1150
01:03:52,920 --> 01:03:55,446
Yeah. I got nothing. Who's next?
1151
01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:58,131
Who's next?
What are you guys, Ocean's Eleven?
1152
01:03:58,200 --> 01:04:00,009
How many more fuckups
are you gonna bring in here?
1153
01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:02,285
- Stand back!
- Oh.
1154
01:04:03,160 --> 01:04:05,845
On the count of three, the Great Mysterio
1155
01:04:05,920 --> 01:04:08,764
shall command these shackles unlocked!
1156
01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:11,367
One! Do not divert your gaze.
1157
01:04:11,440 --> 01:04:13,602
Two! Illusion!
1158
01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:16,122
Three! Mysterio!
1159
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:17,731
- Thank you.
- Um...
1160
01:04:17,880 --> 01:04:18,881
Uh...
1161
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:20,729
Yeah, that didn't work.
All the locks are still there.
1162
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:22,404
Nothing happened!
1163
01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:24,244
Oh. I got nothing, guys.
1164
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:25,646
Jesus Christ.
1165
01:04:25,720 --> 01:04:29,770
Oh, speaking of disappearing, I have
a bar mitzvah in one hour. Mysterio!
1166
01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:34,087
- Oh, damn!
- Oh, my God.
1167
01:04:41,720 --> 01:04:43,848
This was not in the contract!
1168
01:04:49,000 --> 01:04:50,490
Where we going?
1169
01:04:51,120 --> 01:04:53,566
To my parents' house for dinner.
1170
01:04:54,320 --> 01:04:56,482
- You look lovely.
- Thank you.
1171
01:04:59,840 --> 01:05:01,569
Where'd you learn to dance?
1172
01:05:01,640 --> 01:05:03,483
At this little club in Tampa.
1173
01:05:27,680 --> 01:05:28,681
Dance!
1174
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:40,046
Yeah!
1175
01:05:41,840 --> 01:05:43,285
Ooh, wow.
1176
01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:48,441
Ah! Fuck!
1177
01:06:23,720 --> 01:06:24,721
What's that?
1178
01:07:27,880 --> 01:07:29,962
Oh, my God, he's got a baby dick!
1179
01:07:34,320 --> 01:07:37,927
It's just the lighting!
It's bad lighting! It's creating shadow!
1180
01:07:44,760 --> 01:07:47,843
It's not little!
You're just little people!
1181
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:53,846
Hi.
1182
01:07:53,920 --> 01:07:55,126
Oh, you made it.
1183
01:07:55,600 --> 01:07:57,682
Hannah! It's so good to see you.
1184
01:07:58,000 --> 01:07:59,047
Hi.
1185
01:07:59,120 --> 01:08:00,804
Hannah, this is my dad, Gary.
1186
01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:03,966
Are we ever happy to meet you, Hannah.
1187
01:08:04,160 --> 01:08:05,491
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
1188
01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:08,041
I was sure that Christian was gay.
1189
01:08:08,640 --> 01:08:11,610
He's well-groomed, loves Lady Gaga.
1190
01:08:11,880 --> 01:08:14,247
Can't take his eyes
off of Anderson Cooper.
1191
01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:16,931
What kind of Republican watches CNN?
1192
01:08:17,040 --> 01:08:19,771
Hi! I'm Mai!
1193
01:08:19,840 --> 01:08:21,365
It's so nice to meet you!
1194
01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:23,688
I can't believe you're a Republican.
1195
01:08:23,760 --> 01:08:26,411
That's his deep, dark secret.
1196
01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:28,050
Shall we?
1197
01:08:29,520 --> 01:08:31,363
- I can't believe you're a Republican.
- Sorry.
1198
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:32,521
Ah...
1199
01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:35,644
Mrs. Black, this food looks amazing.
1200
01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:37,290
Oh, thank you, Hannah.
1201
01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:38,441
Well, it was important to me
1202
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:42,445
that our adopted children were
exposed to their native cultures.
1203
01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:45,763
So, for Eli, I have prepared Balangu.
1204
01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:48,048
It's a spicy goat dish from Nigeria.
1205
01:08:48,560 --> 01:08:50,801
And for Mai, of course,
we have Peking Duck
1206
01:08:50,880 --> 01:08:52,848
from the Mandarin province of China.
1207
01:08:53,040 --> 01:08:54,201
I'm Korean!
1208
01:08:54,280 --> 01:08:55,441
Don't be fresh, Mai!
1209
01:08:55,920 --> 01:08:58,400
There are billions of starving
Chinese children
1210
01:08:58,480 --> 01:09:00,847
who need their energy
to make sneakers for Nike,
1211
01:09:00,920 --> 01:09:03,605
and they would kill for this meal.
1212
01:09:03,680 --> 01:09:07,127
For Christian, of course,
we have fried chicken and Kool-Aid.
1213
01:09:07,320 --> 01:09:10,290
It's a very popular
dish in Detroit, Michigan.
1214
01:09:10,360 --> 01:09:13,284
And your favorite, of course, hot sauce!
1215
01:09:13,360 --> 01:09:14,771
Oh, Mom.
1216
01:09:16,960 --> 01:09:19,281
So, Hannah, are you interested
in having children?
1217
01:09:20,600 --> 01:09:23,331
Yes, I would, if I met the right person.
1218
01:09:23,680 --> 01:09:28,925
Oh, you have no idea what joy
we have had from having our kids.
1219
01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:31,362
Mai's the one that I
worried about the most.
1220
01:09:31,440 --> 01:09:33,886
I mean, she was so sweet.
1221
01:09:33,960 --> 01:09:38,090
I mean, it seemed almost inevitable that
she'd grow up one day and run off with Gary.
1222
01:09:38,280 --> 01:09:40,123
Like that little
director fellow, you know,
1223
01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:41,690
the one that married Mia Farrow?
1224
01:09:42,080 --> 01:09:44,606
Oh, sweetheart, please stop.
She's our daughter.
1225
01:09:44,680 --> 01:09:46,569
She's a hot little number, though.
1226
01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:50,648
Hannah, I would really recommend
1227
01:09:50,720 --> 01:09:53,291
adopting underprivileged children.
1228
01:09:53,440 --> 01:09:57,445
Wow, that's really
just so sweet of you, Mrs. Black.
1229
01:09:57,640 --> 01:10:00,371
It is a great conversation
starter at charities,
1230
01:10:00,440 --> 01:10:02,761
it helps your social standing...
1231
01:10:02,840 --> 01:10:03,841
Give it to me.
1232
01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:07,250
...and your vag doesn't get stretched out
like an elastic band at Cirque du Soleil.
1233
01:10:07,320 --> 01:10:09,004
Okay, Mom. Mom, please.
1234
01:10:09,120 --> 01:10:11,566
There was just nothing
I wouldn't do for my children.
1235
01:10:11,640 --> 01:10:13,722
I even learned to speak Mandarin for Mai.
1236
01:10:22,960 --> 01:10:24,450
That's not even a real language.
1237
01:10:24,920 --> 01:10:26,251
Hit that bottom!
1238
01:10:26,720 --> 01:10:28,688
Hannah, where is your family from?
1239
01:10:28,760 --> 01:10:29,761
Oh...
1240
01:10:29,840 --> 01:10:31,604
My mom lives in Georgia.
1241
01:10:31,920 --> 01:10:33,445
Oh, Atlanta!
1242
01:10:33,880 --> 01:10:36,121
Oh, then your mom must be a stripper.
1243
01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:38,322
She actually lives in Savannah,
1244
01:10:38,440 --> 01:10:40,090
and she's just a housewife.
1245
01:10:40,240 --> 01:10:42,368
Sure she is, dear.
1246
01:10:42,440 --> 01:10:45,125
I'm gonna go and visit her,
actually, in a few days.
1247
01:10:46,320 --> 01:10:47,924
Drinks anyone? Drinkies?
1248
01:10:48,000 --> 01:10:50,082
- I'll have two.
- I'd love to, Mom,
1249
01:10:50,160 --> 01:10:52,640
but I promised Hannah
I'd show her the estate.
1250
01:10:52,720 --> 01:10:54,210
Home stretch! Yes!
1251
01:10:54,280 --> 01:10:55,566
Excuse us, please.
1252
01:10:56,160 --> 01:10:57,446
It's grocery time.
1253
01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:01,451
It's like I'm on air right now!
1254
01:11:03,000 --> 01:11:04,286
How come you didn't tell me about her?
1255
01:11:04,360 --> 01:11:05,521
Who, my mom?
1256
01:11:05,640 --> 01:11:07,244
My God, she has a nickname?
1257
01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:10,966
Do you love her?
1258
01:11:11,040 --> 01:11:12,724
Of course, she's my mother.
1259
01:11:12,800 --> 01:11:15,724
God, how long has this been going on?
1260
01:11:15,800 --> 01:11:17,325
Since birth.
1261
01:11:17,400 --> 01:11:19,289
Oh, come on, I can't compete with that!
1262
01:11:19,360 --> 01:11:20,725
Hey, you don't have to compete with it!
1263
01:11:20,800 --> 01:11:22,370
You're my boyfriend, she's my mom.
1264
01:11:22,440 --> 01:11:23,726
They're two totally
different relationships!
1265
01:11:23,840 --> 01:11:26,571
No, they're not!
Okay, Hannah, you're mine, okay?
1266
01:11:26,640 --> 01:11:30,406
There's no mother, no brother,
no cousins, no second cousin removed,
1267
01:11:30,520 --> 01:11:32,727
no friends that you call cousin
'cause your parents are close!
1268
01:11:32,840 --> 01:11:35,320
- There's none of that.
- No play cousins?
1269
01:11:35,400 --> 01:11:36,970
No play cousins.
1270
01:11:37,040 --> 01:11:38,610
Christian, what do you want?
1271
01:11:38,680 --> 01:11:41,047
I want Kevin Hart not
to be in every movie!
1272
01:11:41,120 --> 01:11:42,645
Why? He's hilarious.
1273
01:11:42,720 --> 01:11:44,051
Come on, there's other black actors!
1274
01:11:44,120 --> 01:11:46,009
- How about them?
- Like who?
1275
01:11:46,160 --> 01:11:48,049
It could've been
Sam Jackson in Ride Along.
1276
01:11:48,120 --> 01:11:50,407
Who knows what kind of crazy wig
he would have been wearing?
1277
01:11:50,520 --> 01:11:51,931
I thought you wanted me!
1278
01:11:52,000 --> 01:11:53,331
What do you want, love letters?
1279
01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:55,801
- Hickies? Edible Arrangements?
- Mmm.
1280
01:11:55,880 --> 01:11:58,611
You know, that's not even real flowers.
It's fucking fruit.
1281
01:11:58,680 --> 01:11:59,761
Yeah, but it's delicious.
1282
01:12:00,720 --> 01:12:02,484
And it's a start, okay?
1283
01:12:02,560 --> 01:12:05,882
And maybe we could advance
to a Tiffany's engagement ring,
1284
01:12:05,960 --> 01:12:08,531
and a wedding where we invite
500 of our closest friends,
1285
01:12:08,600 --> 01:12:10,921
and then we have seven kids,
and we live in a big house...
1286
01:12:11,000 --> 01:12:15,324
Whoa. You had this whole thing
planned out, huh?
1287
01:12:15,400 --> 01:12:17,721
You know, is it me or
is it hot in here? Shit.
1288
01:12:17,800 --> 01:12:19,848
You want me to be somebody that I'm not.
1289
01:12:19,920 --> 01:12:21,922
No, no, it's not me that's changing you.
1290
01:12:22,000 --> 01:12:23,650
It's you that's changing me!
1291
01:12:23,720 --> 01:12:25,370
Wait a minute.
1292
01:12:25,440 --> 01:12:27,283
That's a line from the movie Radio.
1293
01:12:28,080 --> 01:12:29,161
No, it's not.
1294
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:31,123
Yeah, yeah, the movie
with Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
1295
01:12:31,240 --> 01:12:33,925
where he played
this mentally disabled athlete.
1296
01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:35,923
"It's not us that's teaching Radio,
1297
01:12:36,000 --> 01:12:37,809
"it's Radio that's teaching us."
1298
01:12:37,880 --> 01:12:39,211
Nah, mine is way different.
1299
01:12:39,280 --> 01:12:40,645
It's the same premise.
1300
01:12:41,360 --> 01:12:42,521
You complete me?
1301
01:12:42,960 --> 01:12:45,167
Jerry Maguire, also starring
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
1302
01:12:45,240 --> 01:12:48,164
I don't understand
your whole fixation on him.
1303
01:12:48,240 --> 01:12:51,608
You know, all this time I thought
I wasn't in the right place,
1304
01:12:51,840 --> 01:12:53,251
but I was!
1305
01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:55,530
That's Snow Dogs.
1306
01:12:55,640 --> 01:12:57,005
God damn it!
1307
01:12:57,080 --> 01:12:59,242
I gotta stop binging on Netflix.
1308
01:12:59,880 --> 01:13:00,927
Hannah!
1309
01:13:20,160 --> 01:13:22,527
That song sounds so sad.
1310
01:13:22,600 --> 01:13:25,285
Not as sad as Luther Vandross'
Dance With My Father.
1311
01:13:25,360 --> 01:13:27,647
Oh, God, that song tears me up.
1312
01:13:28,880 --> 01:13:32,327
Every time I hear it,
I just wanna go, "Where's my daddy?"
1313
01:13:32,640 --> 01:13:34,688
Christian, we have to talk.
1314
01:13:35,400 --> 01:13:37,084
You mean like white people?
1315
01:13:37,160 --> 01:13:38,605
What's wrong with that?
1316
01:13:39,160 --> 01:13:41,208
Well, they just talk a lot, you know?
1317
01:13:41,280 --> 01:13:42,884
They do it differently
than black people do it.
1318
01:13:43,080 --> 01:13:45,321
White people don't like to argue,
they like to discuss.
1319
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:48,729
Then they start throwing
around all these big SAT words
1320
01:13:48,800 --> 01:13:50,450
and putting a lot
of emotional guilt on each other.
1321
01:13:50,520 --> 01:13:52,443
It's just too much to deal with.
1322
01:13:52,520 --> 01:13:55,000
I like it the black way, you know,
where we curse each other out,
1323
01:13:55,080 --> 01:13:57,242
we may fight, and then we get cool again,
1324
01:13:57,320 --> 01:13:59,448
but we talk about each other
behind each other's back, like,
1325
01:13:59,520 --> 01:14:00,760
"Oh, nah, I ain't
fucking with that bitch."
1326
01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:01,966
But what you not gonna do...
1327
01:14:02,120 --> 01:14:03,770
- But what you not gonna do...
- You not gonna do...
1328
01:14:03,840 --> 01:14:04,841
- You not about to "not" me!
- Uh-uh...
1329
01:14:05,120 --> 01:14:06,929
Don't let me get to clappin', boo.
1330
01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:08,001
Oh, hell no.
1331
01:14:08,080 --> 01:14:10,208
See, that's... That's communication.
1332
01:14:10,280 --> 01:14:11,441
I feel better already.
1333
01:14:13,840 --> 01:14:15,569
- Christian.
- Hey!
1334
01:14:23,720 --> 01:14:25,404
You're not upset because I haven't signed
1335
01:14:25,520 --> 01:14:26,931
the contract yet, are you?
1336
01:14:27,040 --> 01:14:29,884
I mean, it's not even legally enforceable.
You know that, right?
1337
01:14:30,000 --> 01:14:33,049
What's important here are the rules.
1338
01:14:33,120 --> 01:14:35,566
And if you break them,
you should be punished.
1339
01:14:35,680 --> 01:14:37,045
How are you gonna punish me?
1340
01:14:37,160 --> 01:14:38,491
First off, you'll get grounded.
1341
01:14:38,560 --> 01:14:40,403
I'll make you stand in
the corner for an hour.
1342
01:14:40,600 --> 01:14:42,329
And then I will send you to your room
1343
01:14:42,400 --> 01:14:44,402
without no supper, young lady.
1344
01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:47,844
Christian, this is crazy.
Why do you need to punish me?
1345
01:14:47,960 --> 01:14:50,327
Because I'm 51 shades of fucked up!
1346
01:14:51,560 --> 01:14:54,928
You know I'm five-four
seconds from wildin'.
1347
01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:57,526
I got three fillets for fryin'.
1348
01:14:57,960 --> 01:15:01,726
I got 99 problems, but now a bitch is one!
1349
01:15:01,920 --> 01:15:03,888
That's 100 problems, Hannah!
1350
01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:08,526
I can only deal with so much. 99's fine.
1351
01:15:08,600 --> 01:15:11,843
A hundred jus...
I can't even count that far.
1352
01:15:12,760 --> 01:15:13,921
Okay.
1353
01:15:15,400 --> 01:15:16,811
Then you show me the worst.
1354
01:15:17,400 --> 01:15:19,209
I wanna see how bad it can get.
1355
01:15:19,480 --> 01:15:21,209
No more of this pussy-ass punishment
1356
01:15:21,280 --> 01:15:22,725
you've been doling out thus far.
1357
01:15:22,800 --> 01:15:24,245
I wanna go all the way.
1358
01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:29,210
Is that something that
you think you can do?
1359
01:15:29,560 --> 01:15:30,800
Thank you.
1360
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:34,441
Yes.
1361
01:15:35,600 --> 01:15:37,409
Bend over.
1362
01:15:43,000 --> 01:15:44,001
Hmm.
1363
01:15:46,880 --> 01:15:47,881
Mmm-mmm.
1364
01:15:50,520 --> 01:15:51,521
Hmm.
1365
01:15:54,720 --> 01:15:55,801
Aha.
1366
01:15:59,440 --> 01:16:03,604
Nothin' says ass-whuppin'
like good ol' Joe Jackson.
1367
01:16:05,200 --> 01:16:06,611
Hannah...
1368
01:16:07,680 --> 01:16:10,809
I'm gonna spank you six times.
1369
01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:15,285
I need you to count with me.
1370
01:16:21,200 --> 01:16:23,248
God damn it, motherfucker!
1371
01:16:23,360 --> 01:16:25,522
I said count with me!
1372
01:16:27,360 --> 01:16:29,408
One! Two!
1373
01:16:30,320 --> 01:16:34,484
Jesus! It hurts so bad I can't
keep count! Where were we?
1374
01:16:34,680 --> 01:16:35,647
I don't know!
1375
01:16:35,720 --> 01:16:37,404
God damn it, Hannah!
1376
01:16:37,480 --> 01:16:39,482
I don't know how to count, okay?
1377
01:16:39,560 --> 01:16:41,244
My crackhead mother never taught me.
1378
01:16:42,360 --> 01:16:44,761
How about this? Let's try in Spanish.
1379
01:16:44,960 --> 01:16:46,291
- Spanish?
- Si.
1380
01:16:48,320 --> 01:16:51,688
Tres. Cuatro.
1381
01:16:52,040 --> 01:16:56,090
I'm not too sure,
but I think cinco comes after tres.
1382
01:16:56,280 --> 01:16:59,124
Are you kidding me?
Cuatro comes after tres.
1383
01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:01,886
Well, don't get mad at me.
I don't know Spanish.
1384
01:17:01,960 --> 01:17:05,801
Look, my crackhead mother never taught me
how to count or how to speak Spanish.
1385
01:17:06,000 --> 01:17:08,048
- Now we gotta start from scratch!
- No!
1386
01:17:17,920 --> 01:17:18,967
Whoo!
1387
01:17:22,240 --> 01:17:25,881
I am tired. Oh, God, that is exhausting.
1388
01:17:26,360 --> 01:17:28,442
Oh, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
1389
01:17:29,040 --> 01:17:31,884
Oh. Come on, let's get you up.
1390
01:17:32,600 --> 01:17:34,284
Don't touch me!
1391
01:17:34,760 --> 01:17:35,921
Hey!
1392
01:17:36,400 --> 01:17:38,926
Does it make you
happy to see me like this?
1393
01:17:39,200 --> 01:17:42,522
I mean, not really.
You look like a sad Gollum.
1394
01:17:42,600 --> 01:17:45,888
Like you's all bent over,
and you're crying. You look a little crazy.
1395
01:17:46,520 --> 01:17:47,851
Come on, don't hate me.
1396
01:17:47,920 --> 01:17:49,046
Hate you?
1397
01:17:49,400 --> 01:17:51,129
I loathe you.
1398
01:17:51,400 --> 01:17:54,449
Whoa. That's a thesaurus word right there.
1399
01:17:54,920 --> 01:17:57,082
I hate you the way black people hate cops.
1400
01:17:57,240 --> 01:17:58,241
Wow.
1401
01:17:58,360 --> 01:18:01,523
I hate you the way Republicans
hate ObamaCare!
1402
01:18:01,600 --> 01:18:02,840
Baby, come on now.
1403
01:18:03,000 --> 01:18:07,608
I hate you the way Kanye West
hates everybody else!
1404
01:18:07,760 --> 01:18:09,808
Well, I'm kind of
with him on Taylor Swift.
1405
01:18:09,920 --> 01:18:11,524
What is that bitch singing about?
1406
01:18:11,840 --> 01:18:14,525
You will never do that to me again.
1407
01:18:14,600 --> 01:18:16,204
You said it was cool.
1408
01:18:16,360 --> 01:18:20,001
I know niggas, grimy niggas
who do not value themselves,
1409
01:18:20,160 --> 01:18:22,162
and they will have no problem
coming down here
1410
01:18:22,240 --> 01:18:23,651
to fuck your little ass up!
1411
01:18:23,760 --> 01:18:26,525
- Whoa. Slow it up now.
- Just one "Cuckoo!"
1412
01:18:27,040 --> 01:18:29,281
And they will swoop down on you
1413
01:18:29,360 --> 01:18:32,045
like pigeons on old garlic bread!
1414
01:18:32,360 --> 01:18:34,408
You can't be cuckooin' on this mo'fuck!
1415
01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:36,807
You gotta calm them niggas down.
1416
01:18:37,000 --> 01:18:38,490
You know what?
1417
01:18:40,640 --> 01:18:42,165
Let's try something else.
1418
01:18:43,800 --> 01:18:46,246
Aw, this is cute.
I get it, a little role-play.
1419
01:18:46,320 --> 01:18:47,401
It's cute.
1420
01:18:47,480 --> 01:18:49,130
Handcuffs. All right.
1421
01:18:49,200 --> 01:18:51,328
You thought you were gonna
do this shit to me?
1422
01:18:51,480 --> 01:18:53,482
You messed with the wrong bitch.
1423
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,005
You sound angry.
1424
01:18:55,200 --> 01:18:59,569
This is for Kerry Washington
from De-jango Unchained!
1425
01:18:59,640 --> 01:19:04,089
It's fucking...
That is Django! The "D" is silent!
1426
01:19:04,160 --> 01:19:08,768
This is for Lupita Nyong'o
in 12 Years a Slave!
1427
01:19:10,040 --> 01:19:13,601
God damn it! It stings so bad!
1428
01:19:13,680 --> 01:19:15,603
All she wanted was some soap!
1429
01:19:16,840 --> 01:19:19,241
Even the antibacterial soap!
1430
01:19:19,320 --> 01:19:21,243
This is for Denzel Washington.
1431
01:19:21,360 --> 01:19:22,964
Wait, he's not even a woman.
1432
01:19:23,040 --> 01:19:24,280
You're just getting crazy.
1433
01:19:24,360 --> 01:19:26,169
But they made him cry in Glory.
1434
01:19:27,520 --> 01:19:29,284
Who makes Denzel Washington cry? Nobody!
1435
01:19:29,360 --> 01:19:30,407
You talkin' 'bout like this?
1436
01:19:30,480 --> 01:19:32,482
See, look, I have a Glory tear.
1437
01:19:32,560 --> 01:19:36,207
If it wasn't for Denzel Washington,
Flight would've been a fucking Soul Plane!
1438
01:19:36,320 --> 01:19:37,970
Shit!
1439
01:19:38,040 --> 01:19:40,202
Why the fuck did they
make Soul Plane anyway?
1440
01:19:41,400 --> 01:19:45,200
And this is for the little white girl
in Fifty Shades of Grey!
1441
01:19:46,880 --> 01:19:48,723
Johnson. Dakota Johnson.
1442
01:19:48,880 --> 01:19:51,008
She had to be naked
the whole fucking movie!
1443
01:19:51,080 --> 01:19:52,366
That shit was just gratuitous!
1444
01:19:53,640 --> 01:19:55,404
Whoo! Ah!
1445
01:19:56,720 --> 01:20:00,566
It burns! It burns!
It feels like someone lit a...
1446
01:20:00,720 --> 01:20:03,405
My ass on fire! Oh, God, it hurts!
1447
01:20:04,720 --> 01:20:05,960
We done?
1448
01:20:06,040 --> 01:20:09,487
Oh, no, nigga. No, we not finished yet!
1449
01:20:09,560 --> 01:20:12,404
We not finished with you yet, nigga!
1450
01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:13,806
What? Where you goin' with this?
1451
01:20:13,880 --> 01:20:16,406
I'm about to get medieval on your ass.
1452
01:20:17,120 --> 01:20:19,407
Welcome to my world, motherfucker.
1453
01:20:24,400 --> 01:20:26,084
Oh, God!
1454
01:20:29,920 --> 01:20:31,684
Oh, God!
1455
01:20:33,760 --> 01:20:36,923
This hurts so much.
1456
01:20:37,120 --> 01:20:38,770
I wish I'd died.
1457
01:20:40,120 --> 01:20:42,521
Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
1458
01:20:42,600 --> 01:20:44,489
Oh, it's tickling.
1459
01:20:44,920 --> 01:20:47,048
Christian, I thought you'd like it.
1460
01:20:47,120 --> 01:20:48,645
What's there to like!
1461
01:20:49,000 --> 01:20:54,803
What kind of sick pervert beats you
for their own enjoyment?
1462
01:20:55,600 --> 01:20:59,366
Christian, you don't
want somebody like me.
1463
01:21:00,360 --> 01:21:01,964
You're exactly what I want.
1464
01:21:03,160 --> 01:21:06,369
A broke college graduate
with a liberal arts degree
1465
01:21:06,600 --> 01:21:08,602
and no future prospects.
1466
01:21:10,960 --> 01:21:12,450
It's exactly what I want.
1467
01:21:13,160 --> 01:21:16,289
Christian, I've fallen head
over heels in love with you.
1468
01:21:16,640 --> 01:21:18,768
Uh... Whoa!
1469
01:21:18,840 --> 01:21:22,640
Slow it up. That is not in the contract.
1470
01:21:22,720 --> 01:21:25,883
Like, it specifically says, and I quote,
1471
01:21:25,960 --> 01:21:28,247
"Bitch don't love a nigga."
1472
01:21:28,640 --> 01:21:30,722
Okay? And I double-bolded that.
1473
01:21:30,800 --> 01:21:33,485
I knew I should have had
you sign this contract.
1474
01:21:34,400 --> 01:21:37,483
Christian, I think
it'd be best if you leave.
1475
01:21:37,960 --> 01:21:39,564
Get out!
1476
01:21:39,640 --> 01:21:42,120
Fine, you want me to leave? You want me
to leave? Fine, I will leave!
1477
01:21:42,200 --> 01:21:43,850
Okay? Wait, time-out.
1478
01:21:44,080 --> 01:21:45,081
Um...
1479
01:21:45,160 --> 01:21:46,924
I live here.
1480
01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:49,321
Shouldn't you be the one leaving?
Am I wrong?
1481
01:21:50,680 --> 01:21:52,921
Take an umbrella 'cause...
1482
01:21:53,000 --> 01:21:54,525
Bitch, it's raining.
1483
01:21:59,200 --> 01:22:00,406
I need my car back.
1484
01:22:00,480 --> 01:22:02,130
I already sold that piece of shit.
1485
01:22:02,200 --> 01:22:03,406
I'll send you a check for $37.
1486
01:22:03,520 --> 01:22:05,090
That is way below Blue Book!
1487
01:22:08,680 --> 01:22:09,681
Hannah!
1488
01:22:09,760 --> 01:22:11,524
Christian, you have to let me go.
1489
01:22:11,920 --> 01:22:12,921
Please, listen to me!
1490
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:14,126
No, you listen to me.
1491
01:22:14,240 --> 01:22:16,846
You'll find someone.
Somebody who wants to be open
1492
01:22:16,920 --> 01:22:19,366
to all the demeaning things
that you wanna do to them.
1493
01:22:19,520 --> 01:22:20,601
Hannah!
1494
01:22:20,680 --> 01:22:21,681
Christian.
1495
01:22:22,320 --> 01:22:23,321
Ooh.
1496
01:22:23,400 --> 01:22:24,401
Ah!
1497
01:22:24,840 --> 01:22:25,841
God!
1498
01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:37,485
How is he gonna love you?
He doesn't even love himself.
1499
01:22:37,560 --> 01:22:41,360
Did you see his haircut, girl?
1500
01:22:41,440 --> 01:22:45,490
How could you think
this was gonna end well?
1501
01:22:48,200 --> 01:22:49,725
Never look back.
1502
01:22:55,880 --> 01:22:57,006
Christian.
1503
01:22:57,280 --> 01:22:58,441
Hannah.
1504
01:22:59,720 --> 01:23:02,246
While running down 47 flights of stairs,
1505
01:23:03,080 --> 01:23:04,650
I had plenty of time to think.
1506
01:23:05,640 --> 01:23:09,561
And when I passed out on the 23rd floor,
I realized I owed you an apology.
1507
01:23:09,920 --> 01:23:12,526
I just want to say I'm sorry
for the way I treated you.
1508
01:23:12,600 --> 01:23:14,364
Especially for the whole
waterboarding thing.
1509
01:23:15,000 --> 01:23:17,571
Turns out you were right about bin Laden.
1510
01:23:17,680 --> 01:23:19,921
- Who knew?
- Everyone.
1511
01:23:20,000 --> 01:23:21,001
Hmm?
1512
01:23:21,080 --> 01:23:22,320
You hurt me, Christian.
1513
01:23:22,400 --> 01:23:24,687
I know. But I have softer whips.
1514
01:23:24,760 --> 01:23:26,603
You know the kind with the pink fur on it?
1515
01:23:27,400 --> 01:23:28,447
It takes the sting off.
1516
01:23:28,520 --> 01:23:30,124
That's not what I'm talking about.
1517
01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:32,967
- You want romance.
- I deserve it.
1518
01:23:33,080 --> 01:23:34,127
Well, what's more romantic
1519
01:23:34,200 --> 01:23:36,168
than running down 47 flights of stairs?
1520
01:23:36,280 --> 01:23:37,520
You know I pulled a hamstring?
1521
01:23:37,800 --> 01:23:39,006
Did you die?
1522
01:23:39,080 --> 01:23:41,686
No, but that's gonna keep me
out of the Red Room for at least a week.
1523
01:23:42,320 --> 01:23:43,560
Bye, bitch.
1524
01:23:43,640 --> 01:23:46,041
Okay, okay, okay.
Hannah, wait, wait. Hannah!
1525
01:23:46,120 --> 01:23:48,088
No, Christian. You are incapable
1526
01:23:48,160 --> 01:23:49,525
of having a normal relationship.
1527
01:23:49,600 --> 01:23:51,409
I know, but I'm trying, okay?
1528
01:23:51,480 --> 01:23:54,290
I want to be like that old man
whose wife has Alzheimer's,
1529
01:23:54,360 --> 01:23:55,521
and he wakes up every day
1530
01:23:55,600 --> 01:23:57,250
and he tells her the story
about their lives together.
1531
01:23:57,480 --> 01:23:59,608
And then they take a nap,
but they don't wake up.
1532
01:24:00,120 --> 01:24:01,406
Because they're dead.
1533
01:24:01,480 --> 01:24:02,925
That's The Notebook.
1534
01:24:03,000 --> 01:24:05,565
That's the one with Ryan Gosling
and the girl with the big-ass forehead?
1535
01:24:05,640 --> 01:24:06,641
Oh.
1536
01:24:07,200 --> 01:24:08,326
He never forgot her.
1537
01:24:08,480 --> 01:24:10,562
You don't even like
Nicholas Sparks movies.
1538
01:24:10,800 --> 01:24:12,882
I used to hate them, but now I love 'em.
1539
01:24:13,240 --> 01:24:14,844
Even The Last Song.
1540
01:24:15,800 --> 01:24:17,370
Why was that even a movie?
1541
01:24:17,440 --> 01:24:18,726
You know that wasn't even a book?
1542
01:24:19,040 --> 01:24:21,601
Well, if I'm gonna give you another chance,
things have to be different.
1543
01:24:21,680 --> 01:24:23,011
I know.
1544
01:24:23,880 --> 01:24:26,326
I have something very important
I wanna tell you.
1545
01:24:27,680 --> 01:24:28,681
I lo...
1546
01:24:30,760 --> 01:24:32,649
I lo...
1547
01:24:34,360 --> 01:24:35,521
I...
1548
01:24:39,160 --> 01:24:42,004
What I'm trying to say is, I love
1549
01:24:43,560 --> 01:24:45,005
Empire.
1550
01:24:45,080 --> 01:24:47,845
That Cookie just says the craziest things.
1551
01:24:48,440 --> 01:24:49,646
Okay.
1552
01:24:51,360 --> 01:24:52,566
I love you.
1553
01:24:53,480 --> 01:24:55,164
I knew you loved me.
1554
01:25:05,560 --> 01:25:07,767
I have one last surprise for you.
1555
01:25:07,880 --> 01:25:10,201
But you're gonna have to pack a bag.
1556
01:25:10,360 --> 01:25:11,771
Are we gonna go on your private jet?
1557
01:25:11,840 --> 01:25:13,205
Oh, my God, what kind of jet is it?
1558
01:25:13,280 --> 01:25:15,760
No, no, no. Don't tell me.
I want to be surprised.
1559
01:25:20,680 --> 01:25:21,727
Ah!
1560
01:25:21,800 --> 01:25:25,168
I can't believe you thought
I'd take you on a private jet.
1561
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,641
I love you and all,
but you don't even have a ring yet.
1561
01:25:28,305 --> 01:25:34,774
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