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1
00:00:35,814 --> 00:00:37,270
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
2
00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:46,246
(WINDING MUSIC BOX)
3
00:01:00,491 --> 00:01:02,828
(ALL OUT OF LOVE PLAYING)
4
00:01:23,862 --> 00:01:25,372
(SNIFFING)
5
00:01:33,350 --> 00:01:35,077
(BOTTLES CLATTERING)
6
00:02:13,694 --> 00:02:17,109
DEADPOOL: Fuck Wolverine.
7
00:02:17,133 --> 00:02:19,851
First, he rides my coattails
with the R rating.
8
00:02:19,875 --> 00:02:24,290
Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.
9
00:02:24,314 --> 00:02:26,509
What a dick.
10
00:02:26,533 --> 00:02:28,773
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
11
00:02:28,797 --> 00:02:31,645
I'm dying in this one, too.
12
00:02:31,669 --> 00:02:33,062
(X GOIN' GIVE IT TO YA PLAYING)
13
00:02:34,367 --> 00:02:36,781
DEADPOOL: To understand
why I took a cat-nap
14
00:02:36,805 --> 00:02:38,913
on 1,200 gallons
of high-test fuel...
15
00:02:38,937 --> 00:02:40,306
I need to take you back
16
00:02:40,330 --> 00:02:42,787
to the dewy slopes
of six weeks ago.
17
00:02:42,811 --> 00:02:44,179
I'd gone international,
18
00:02:44,203 --> 00:02:46,138
taking out mass murderers,
gangsters,
19
00:02:46,162 --> 00:02:47,879
unspeakable monsters.
20
00:02:47,903 --> 00:02:50,882
People nobody would touch.
Except me.
21
00:02:50,906 --> 00:02:52,884
I'm gonna touch them all over.
22
00:02:52,908 --> 00:02:54,474
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
23
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,454
DEADPOOL: Hey, it's Gail calling.
24
00:02:58,478 --> 00:02:59,629
Love the shiny suit.
25
00:02:59,653 --> 00:03:01,414
Really brings out
26
00:03:01,438 --> 00:03:03,518
the sex trafficker
in your eyes. (SPEAKING CANTONESE)
27
00:03:04,571 --> 00:03:08,682
(IN ENGLISH) I don't
speak Cantonese, Mister...
28
00:03:08,706 --> 00:03:10,858
Well, I'm not even gonna
attempt that.
29
00:03:10,882 --> 00:03:13,363
But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
30
00:03:15,713 --> 00:03:18,561
Which literally translates to...
31
00:03:18,585 --> 00:03:21,651
I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
32
00:03:21,675 --> 00:03:22,720
(CELL PHONE CLATTERS)
33
00:03:25,984 --> 00:03:27,420
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
34
00:03:28,726 --> 00:03:29,988
(GUNS COCKING)
35
00:03:31,381 --> 00:03:34,142
Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.
36
00:03:34,166 --> 00:03:35,448
I am so sorry.
37
00:03:35,472 --> 00:03:37,102
I thought this was
an anal-bleaching party.
38
00:03:37,126 --> 00:03:38,190
(GUNS FIRING)
39
00:03:38,214 --> 00:03:39,258
(GRUNTING)
40
00:03:43,001 --> 00:03:44,849
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
41
00:03:44,873 --> 00:03:46,067
(GASPS)
42
00:03:46,091 --> 00:03:47,353
(SHUSHING)
43
00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:57,929
(MEN LAUGHING)
44
00:03:59,670 --> 00:04:01,561
Don't worry.
You're not going to die.
45
00:04:01,585 --> 00:04:03,693
Although these will kill you.
46
00:04:03,717 --> 00:04:04,956
Hit it, Dolly.
47
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:06,503
(9 TO 5PLAYING)
48
00:04:11,029 --> 00:04:12,204
(BOTH GRUNTING)
49
00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:15,381
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
50
00:04:25,217 --> 00:04:26,610
I'm merely
a vessel for the Lord.
51
00:04:33,095 --> 00:04:34,139
(MEN GROANING)
52
00:04:37,882 --> 00:04:40,450
Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!
53
00:04:47,979 --> 00:04:50,503
Whoo! Do not go in there!
54
00:04:57,206 --> 00:04:59,295
Let's see
Captain America do that.
55
00:05:00,774 --> 00:05:01,950
(MEN CHEERING)
56
00:05:04,953 --> 00:05:05,997
(CROWD CHEERING)
57
00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:09,783
Too exotic?
58
00:05:30,717 --> 00:05:31,762
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
59
00:05:34,939 --> 00:05:36,201
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
60
00:05:37,724 --> 00:05:39,074
(ALL GRUNTING)
61
00:05:56,830 --> 00:05:58,093
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
62
00:06:31,952 --> 00:06:34,931
Oh, God! Oh, God,
time out! Time out!
63
00:06:34,955 --> 00:06:38,500
Cut. I've got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.
64
00:06:38,524 --> 00:06:40,546
Oh, that's so gross.
65
00:06:40,570 --> 00:06:41,634
(GROANING)
66
00:06:41,658 --> 00:06:43,853
Fuck.
67
00:06:43,877 --> 00:06:45,768
Looks like you left
a little landing strip there.
68
00:06:45,792 --> 00:06:46,837
I like it.
69
00:06:51,972 --> 00:06:53,583
Oh, man!
70
00:06:57,935 --> 00:06:59,913
DEADPOOL: My world tour
brought me home
71
00:06:59,937 --> 00:07:02,394
to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.
72
00:07:02,418 --> 00:07:03,960
But we'll get to him
in a moment.
73
00:07:03,984 --> 00:07:05,440
'Cause I know
what you're thinking.
74
00:07:05,464 --> 00:07:08,226
"I'm so glad
I left the kiddos at home."
75
00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:09,966
But that's where you'd be wrong.
76
00:07:09,990 --> 00:07:12,752
That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now...
77
00:07:12,776 --> 00:07:17,104
and, believe it or not,
Deadpool 2 is a family film.
78
00:07:17,128 --> 00:07:18,932
True story.
79
00:07:18,956 --> 00:07:22,153
And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.
80
00:07:22,177 --> 00:07:25,286
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
81
00:07:25,310 --> 00:07:28,637
(CHUCKLING) Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.
82
00:07:28,661 --> 00:07:31,597
That's not CGI, folks.
He's actually on fire.
83
00:07:31,621 --> 00:07:35,035
Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?
84
00:07:35,059 --> 00:07:36,297
But this guy?
85
00:07:36,321 --> 00:07:38,280
He was one of the worst of 'em.
86
00:07:40,978 --> 00:07:42,521
Hurry up and open
this fucking door,
87
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:43,696
and let's kill
this motherfucker!
88
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,001
(ALARM RINGING)
(GUNSHOT)
89
00:07:45,025 --> 00:07:46,026
(BODY THUDS)
90
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,835
Ugh. So gross.
91
00:07:52,859 --> 00:07:55,708
A panic room? Really?
92
00:07:55,732 --> 00:07:57,971
Can you come out? (WATCH BEEPING)
93
00:07:57,995 --> 00:08:01,085
I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.
94
00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:05,437
(GUNS COCKING)
95
00:08:07,004 --> 00:08:08,416
MAN: (ON RADIO) Over and over,
I hear people say,
96
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,026
"I just don't have
enough confidence."
97
00:08:10,050 --> 00:08:12,159
Listen, confidence is not
something you have.
98
00:08:12,183 --> 00:08:13,639
It's something you create. (LAUGHS)
99
00:08:13,663 --> 00:08:15,597
And you can create it
at any moment in time.
100
00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:17,338
A sense of confidence is nothing
101
00:08:17,362 --> 00:08:19,123
but a sense of power
within yourself...
102
00:08:19,147 --> 00:08:20,689
a sense of certainty that
you can pull something off.
103
00:08:20,713 --> 00:08:22,822
DEADPOOL: Start the fucking car!
104
00:08:22,846 --> 00:08:23,997
Dopinder!
105
00:08:24,021 --> 00:08:25,544
Start the fucking car!
106
00:08:26,154 --> 00:08:27,155
(SCREAMS)
107
00:08:30,245 --> 00:08:32,745
MAN: Shoot that motherfucker!
Shoot him!
108
00:08:32,769 --> 00:08:34,312
Whoo! Oh, I shit my pants.
109
00:08:34,336 --> 00:08:36,749
Actually, that may have been me.
110
00:08:36,773 --> 00:08:38,054
Oh, mission accomplished?
111
00:08:38,078 --> 00:08:40,231
Oh, in a George W.
Sort of way.
112
00:08:40,255 --> 00:08:41,971
Fucker can't stay
in a panic room forever.
113
00:08:41,995 --> 00:08:43,451
DOPINDER: Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.
114
00:08:43,475 --> 00:08:45,671
It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,
115
00:08:45,695 --> 00:08:47,020
and who'da thought?
116
00:08:47,044 --> 00:08:49,501
Now I'm talked about
in the same sentence as Jesus.
117
00:08:49,525 --> 00:08:51,416
Passion of the Christ, then me.
118
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:52,721
At least domestically.
119
00:08:52,745 --> 00:08:53,983
We beat them overseas,
120
00:08:54,007 --> 00:08:56,029
where there's no such thing
as religion.
121
00:08:56,053 --> 00:08:58,249
I do want to live
the dreams, Pool Boy.
122
00:08:58,273 --> 00:09:00,686
Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.
123
00:09:00,710 --> 00:09:02,514
I want to fill my... Pockets?
124
00:09:02,538 --> 00:09:05,778
What's your poison?
A little, uh, cokey cokey?
125
00:09:05,802 --> 00:09:07,171
Can't maintain an erection
126
00:09:07,195 --> 00:09:08,737
without buying shoes online? (HORN HONKS)
127
00:09:08,761 --> 00:09:10,739
I've never experienced
that last one.
128
00:09:10,763 --> 00:09:12,176
Talk to me, Goose.
129
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,917
I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.
130
00:09:14,941 --> 00:09:18,051
I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.
131
00:09:18,075 --> 00:09:20,053
Dopinder... Hmm?
132
00:09:20,077 --> 00:09:21,905
You never cease to surprise me.
133
00:09:23,211 --> 00:09:26,059
You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.
134
00:09:26,083 --> 00:09:27,756
We all need
a sense of belonging.
135
00:09:27,780 --> 00:09:29,584
We all need
a genuine sense of home.
136
00:09:29,608 --> 00:09:30,759
A place in this world.
137
00:09:30,783 --> 00:09:32,152
I want to become
a contract killer.
138
00:09:32,176 --> 00:09:34,023
I'm sorry. What did you say?
139
00:09:34,047 --> 00:09:36,025
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu
140
00:09:36,049 --> 00:09:37,375
and threatened him
with great violence?
141
00:09:37,399 --> 00:09:39,028
You kind of killed him.
142
00:09:39,052 --> 00:09:40,639
And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?
143
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:41,857
Don't want to.
144
00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:42,989
When Tom Cruise fed
145
00:09:43,013 --> 00:09:44,860
10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst blood
146
00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,122
for the first time...
147
00:09:46,146 --> 00:09:48,560
and she looked up at his smooth,
148
00:09:48,584 --> 00:09:50,803
handsome face and said...
149
00:09:51,587 --> 00:09:53,391
"I want some more."
150
00:09:53,415 --> 00:09:57,070
Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
151
00:09:58,115 --> 00:10:00,833
I'll never not picture that.
152
00:10:00,857 --> 00:10:02,661
But I can't wait
to never speak of this,
153
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,750
as soon as possible.
154
00:10:04,774 --> 00:10:07,255
We're here. (BRAKES SCREECHING)
155
00:10:12,085 --> 00:10:14,020
(GROANS)
156
00:10:14,044 --> 00:10:16,065
Dopinder, it's me again.
157
00:10:16,089 --> 00:10:17,806
Look, a saner man
might discourage you
158
00:10:17,830 --> 00:10:19,721
from joining the deadly
merc business...
159
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:21,245
what, with your concave chest
160
00:10:21,269 --> 00:10:22,942
and your paper towel tube arms.
161
00:10:22,966 --> 00:10:24,683
But you're an eagle...
162
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,728
and goddamn it,
an eagle's gotta soar.
163
00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,164
You gotta grab those dreams,
164
00:10:28,188 --> 00:10:29,818
grab those dreams
by the dick tip...
165
00:10:29,842 --> 00:10:31,385
and make it rain!
166
00:10:31,409 --> 00:10:33,344
I don't know what that means.
167
00:10:33,368 --> 00:10:35,326
Me neither. (BOTH LAUGH)
168
00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:37,435
I'm gonna see you...
169
00:10:37,459 --> 00:10:38,697
(EXCLAIMS)
170
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,070
At the office.
171
00:10:40,636 --> 00:10:41,787
In the sky.
172
00:10:41,811 --> 00:10:42,962
You're my Tom Cruise!
173
00:10:42,986 --> 00:10:44,616
DEADPOOL: And you're
my Kristen Dunst!
174
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,119
Kristen? Kirsten?
175
00:10:51,168 --> 00:10:52,798
Sorry I'm late.
176
00:10:52,822 --> 00:10:54,408
There was a bunch of
177
00:10:54,432 --> 00:10:56,541
handicapable children
stuck in a tree...
178
00:10:56,565 --> 00:10:58,107
and I had to, uh... Uh-uh.
179
00:10:58,131 --> 00:11:00,893
You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.
180
00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:03,287
But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.
181
00:11:03,311 --> 00:11:05,637
No.You got me.
182
00:11:05,661 --> 00:11:07,465
I was rounding up
all the gluten in the world
183
00:11:07,489 --> 00:11:08,727
and launching it into space...
184
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,903
where it can't not
hurt us ever again.
185
00:11:10,927 --> 00:11:12,102
Try again.
186
00:11:12,668 --> 00:11:14,254
Diarrhea?
187
00:11:14,278 --> 00:11:16,038
We can't be sure
until I get this suit off...
188
00:11:16,976 --> 00:11:18,935
but, uh, all signs point to yes.
189
00:11:20,850 --> 00:11:21,851
Traffic?
190
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:23,505
Hmm?
191
00:11:24,723 --> 00:11:26,397
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
192
00:11:26,421 --> 00:11:27,421
Well, come here.
193
00:11:29,380 --> 00:11:31,164
(TAKE ON ME PLAYING)
194
00:11:36,474 --> 00:11:39,105
(VANESSA MOANS)
195
00:11:39,129 --> 00:11:41,586
I'm gonna shower
and get out of this suit.
196
00:11:41,610 --> 00:11:42,804
Don't you want your surprise?
197
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,656
Do I look like
a patient burn victim?
198
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:46,702
I got one for you, too.
199
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,376
Happy anniversary, baby.
200
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:50,967
Open, open, open.
201
00:11:52,969 --> 00:11:54,729
Skee-Ball token.
202
00:11:54,753 --> 00:11:56,165
Our first date.
203
00:11:56,189 --> 00:11:57,776
Yup.
204
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,455
That's genuine,
high-grade lead.
205
00:12:03,371 --> 00:12:05,697
I'll keep it forever. (CHUCKLES)
206
00:12:05,721 --> 00:12:07,157
Thank you, baby.
207
00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:10,465
Open yours. All right, all right.
208
00:12:11,379 --> 00:12:12,684
Oh...
209
00:12:14,077 --> 00:12:15,968
That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've...
210
00:12:15,992 --> 00:12:17,404
I don't know what this is.
211
00:12:17,428 --> 00:12:19,275
My IUD.
212
00:12:19,299 --> 00:12:20,494
A bomb?
213
00:12:20,518 --> 00:12:23,628
No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.
214
00:12:23,652 --> 00:12:24,759
What, you mean that your...
215
00:12:24,783 --> 00:12:26,544
Baby factory's open
for business.
216
00:12:26,568 --> 00:12:27,893
Oh, my God! (BOX CLATTERS)
217
00:12:27,917 --> 00:12:31,200
(VANESSA LAUGHS) Oh, my God! I want a boy!
218
00:12:31,224 --> 00:12:34,334
Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!
219
00:12:34,358 --> 00:12:37,143
Oh! And I want our kid
to have only one name.
220
00:12:37,709 --> 00:12:40,993
Like Cher or Todd.
221
00:12:41,017 --> 00:12:42,821
You gotta pump a baby
in me first, cowboy.
222
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,213
Yes, I do.
223
00:12:44,237 --> 00:12:45,737
Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.
224
00:12:45,761 --> 00:12:46,762
Let's do that.
225
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:50,132
♪ Papa... ♪
226
00:12:50,156 --> 00:12:52,332
♪ Can you hear me? ♪
227
00:12:53,769 --> 00:12:56,443
♪ Papa, can you see me? ♪
228
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:58,687
Does this song
sound familiar to you?
229
00:13:00,993 --> 00:13:03,189
May.
230
00:13:03,213 --> 00:13:06,912
Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.
231
00:13:08,131 --> 00:13:09,543
(CHUCKLES)
232
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:12,024
So weird. (LAUGHS)
233
00:13:12,048 --> 00:13:14,442
Family was always
an F-word to me.
234
00:13:15,965 --> 00:13:20,336
My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.
235
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,600
I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models
236
00:13:22,624 --> 00:13:24,364
to draw off of for Todd.
237
00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:28,151
Hey. Look at me.
238
00:13:29,326 --> 00:13:31,459
You are not your father.
239
00:13:33,199 --> 00:13:34,655
Besides...
240
00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:39,423
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
241
00:13:40,424 --> 00:13:41,488
But here's the thing,
242
00:13:41,512 --> 00:13:43,359
isn't that how it always works?
243
00:13:43,383 --> 00:13:44,926
Like in Star Wars,
244
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,668
men are destined
to become their father...
245
00:13:47,692 --> 00:13:50,802
and then have consensual sex
with their sister?
246
00:13:50,826 --> 00:13:54,153
I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.
247
00:13:54,177 --> 00:13:56,460
No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.
248
00:13:56,484 --> 00:13:58,549
Baby, that's Empire.
249
00:13:58,573 --> 00:14:01,184
The point is, kids...
250
00:14:02,664 --> 00:14:05,318
they give us a chance
to be better than we are.
251
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:08,820
Better than we used to be.
252
00:14:08,844 --> 00:14:11,368
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
253
00:14:12,412 --> 00:14:14,086
I'm gonna go make dessert.
254
00:14:14,110 --> 00:14:18,569
You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.
255
00:14:18,593 --> 00:14:22,007
Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.
256
00:14:22,031 --> 00:14:25,576
VANESSA: What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?
257
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,578
(TIMER TICKING) It's too stripper-y.
258
00:14:27,602 --> 00:14:29,144
Kevin with a "K"!
259
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:31,257
No, too stripper-y, too.
260
00:14:31,823 --> 00:14:33,758
Uh, Earl!
261
00:14:33,782 --> 00:14:36,151
(IN SLOW MOTION)
He's gonna go straight to jail
262
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:38,414
if we name him Earl.
263
00:14:38,438 --> 00:14:40,310
What about Bruce?
264
00:14:41,311 --> 00:14:42,767
No.
265
00:14:42,791 --> 00:14:43,855
Get down.
266
00:14:43,879 --> 00:14:45,271
What? (GUN FIRES)
267
00:14:47,926 --> 00:14:49,624
(ALL GRUNTING)
268
00:14:54,803 --> 00:14:57,066
(GUN FIRING)
269
00:15:14,170 --> 00:15:16,278
Baby? Baby?
270
00:15:16,302 --> 00:15:18,304
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
271
00:15:19,523 --> 00:15:21,240
I'm okay.
272
00:15:21,264 --> 00:15:23,938
Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.
273
00:15:23,962 --> 00:15:25,529
(BOTH PANTING)
(GASPS)
274
00:15:44,548 --> 00:15:46,419
(INAUDIBLE)
275
00:15:58,518 --> 00:15:59,781
(MOUTHING) Please.
276
00:16:04,873 --> 00:16:06,720
Please. Please.
277
00:16:06,744 --> 00:16:09,941
Baby, I'm so sorry.
278
00:16:09,965 --> 00:16:13,751
No!
279
00:16:20,366 --> 00:16:21,411
(DINGS)
280
00:16:33,423 --> 00:16:34,859
(PANTING)
281
00:16:39,559 --> 00:16:41,997
(HORN BLARING)
(GRUNTS)
282
00:16:45,783 --> 00:16:47,567
(TIRES SCREECHING)
283
00:16:57,447 --> 00:16:58,448
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
284
00:17:00,668 --> 00:17:02,733
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
285
00:17:02,757 --> 00:17:03,845
(ENGINE STALLING)
286
00:17:06,456 --> 00:17:08,066
(YELLS)
287
00:17:25,736 --> 00:17:27,695
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
288
00:17:33,526 --> 00:17:35,354
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
289
00:17:38,314 --> 00:17:39,794
(HORN BLARES)
290
00:17:43,754 --> 00:17:45,756
(WOMAN SINGING)
291
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,982
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
292
00:19:21,939 --> 00:19:23,743
Is it just me, or does
293
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,353
Do You Want to Build
a Snowman? From Frozen...
294
00:19:25,377 --> 00:19:26,702
sound suspiciously like
295
00:19:26,726 --> 00:19:28,704
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
From Yentl?
296
00:19:28,728 --> 00:19:30,010
(SNIFFLES)
297
00:19:30,034 --> 00:19:32,167
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
298
00:19:33,951 --> 00:19:36,582
And nobody fucking realizes it.
299
00:19:36,606 --> 00:19:38,192
Wade, you gotta go home.
300
00:19:38,216 --> 00:19:40,978
You've been sitting here
for three days, okay?
301
00:19:41,002 --> 00:19:44,720
You smell like sauerkraut
left in the warm rain.
302
00:19:44,744 --> 00:19:47,071
Like wet garbage in hot urine.
303
00:19:47,095 --> 00:19:49,290
You smell like
a dog ate kitty litter...
304
00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:51,379
and then farted his way
out of the living room.
305
00:19:51,403 --> 00:19:53,251
I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's
306
00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,122
couch cushions after Shark Week.
307
00:19:55,146 --> 00:19:56,907
I love Frozen.
308
00:19:56,931 --> 00:20:00,519
I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.
309
00:20:00,543 --> 00:20:02,086
An ocean is water.
310
00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:06,873
More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
311
00:20:06,897 --> 00:20:08,048
George Michael was right.
312
00:20:08,072 --> 00:20:09,900
I'm never gonna
dance again. Fuck!
313
00:20:10,509 --> 00:20:11,510
He's dead, too.
314
00:20:12,685 --> 00:20:14,054
At least we still have Bowie.
315
00:20:14,078 --> 00:20:15,839
Oh, Mr. Pool.
David Bowie is...
316
00:20:15,863 --> 00:20:17,144
Uh, uh, uh...
317
00:20:17,168 --> 00:20:18,363
still with us.
318
00:20:18,387 --> 00:20:21,259
We do.
We'll always have Bowie.
319
00:20:21,869 --> 00:20:22,933
I'm sorry.
320
00:20:22,957 --> 00:20:24,412
Shot after shot,
321
00:20:24,436 --> 00:20:26,284
it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...
322
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,938
Are you pissing?
Are you urinating right now?
323
00:20:27,962 --> 00:20:30,897
You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.
324
00:20:30,921 --> 00:20:32,507
Is he pissing? I'm on it!
325
00:20:32,531 --> 00:20:34,031
There you go, Dopinder.
326
00:20:34,055 --> 00:20:36,120
If you want to be
a contract killer...
327
00:20:36,144 --> 00:20:38,731
you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.
328
00:20:38,755 --> 00:20:39,819
Although I don't
quite understand
329
00:20:39,843 --> 00:20:41,429
how they are at all similar.
330
00:20:41,453 --> 00:20:43,562
'Cause I could shove either
one up your ass and kill you.
331
00:20:43,586 --> 00:20:44,737
Now, leave me.
332
00:20:44,761 --> 00:20:45,762
I get it.
333
00:20:46,284 --> 00:20:47,914
Go home, Wade.
334
00:20:47,938 --> 00:20:50,288
I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a...
335
00:20:51,724 --> 00:20:53,137
Okay, I'm fine.
336
00:20:53,161 --> 00:20:54,312
I'm fine.
337
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,183
You know what "fine"
stands for, Wade?
338
00:20:56,207 --> 00:20:59,970
Fucked up, insecure,
needy, and emotional.
339
00:20:59,994 --> 00:21:01,212
According to the...
340
00:21:02,561 --> 00:21:04,017
Kubler-Ross.Yeah.
341
00:21:04,041 --> 00:21:05,932
According to
the Kubler-Ross model...
342
00:21:05,956 --> 00:21:08,761
denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.
343
00:21:08,785 --> 00:21:11,155
Jesus Christ, Buck!
344
00:21:11,179 --> 00:21:13,094
No more speaking lines for you.
345
00:21:15,835 --> 00:21:17,726
(LAUGHING)
346
00:21:17,750 --> 00:21:20,425
(JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO)
347
00:21:20,449 --> 00:21:21,730
(COMEDY SERIES PLAYING
ON RADIO)
348
00:21:21,754 --> 00:21:24,124
THUG: (ON RADIO)
Hey, bud. Bud.
349
00:21:24,148 --> 00:21:26,257
JACK: Huh?
THUG: Got a match?
350
00:21:26,281 --> 00:21:27,823
JACK: Match?
351
00:21:27,847 --> 00:21:29,347
Yes, I have one right here.
352
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:30,739
THUG: Don't make a move.
This is a stick-up.
353
00:21:30,763 --> 00:21:32,524
JACK: What?
THUG: You heard me.
354
00:21:32,548 --> 00:21:34,613
JACK: Mister, Mister,
put down that gun.
355
00:21:34,637 --> 00:21:37,268
THUG: Shut up. Now, come on.
Your money or your life?
356
00:21:37,292 --> 00:21:39,598
(SNIFFS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO)
357
00:21:45,430 --> 00:21:49,193
THUG: Look, bud. I said,
"Your money or your life."
358
00:21:49,217 --> 00:21:50,542
"I'm thinking it over!"
359
00:21:50,566 --> 00:21:51,978
Motherfuck!
360
00:21:52,002 --> 00:21:53,047
Fuck!
361
00:21:54,048 --> 00:21:55,179
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
362
00:21:56,050 --> 00:21:57,549
The hell you doin' here?
363
00:21:57,573 --> 00:21:59,681
Don't you know how to knock?
364
00:21:59,705 --> 00:22:01,640
I thought you saw me...
365
00:22:01,664 --> 00:22:03,207
with your ears.
366
00:22:03,231 --> 00:22:04,295
You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the...
367
00:22:04,319 --> 00:22:05,383
The wall?
368
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:08,801
The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
369
00:22:11,587 --> 00:22:13,217
BLIND AL: I heard
the news, sweetie.
370
00:22:13,241 --> 00:22:15,349
I'm very sorry. I am.
371
00:22:15,373 --> 00:22:17,308
What am I gonna do, Al?
372
00:22:17,332 --> 00:22:19,029
Probably something terrible.
373
00:22:20,204 --> 00:22:21,616
Knowing you.
374
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,164
It was my fault.
375
00:22:24,382 --> 00:22:27,100
I fucking did this.
376
00:22:27,124 --> 00:22:29,015
And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her
377
00:22:29,039 --> 00:22:30,998
and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.
378
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,673
She's gone.
379
00:22:34,697 --> 00:22:38,503
BLIND AL: Sweetheart,
can you speak up?
380
00:22:38,527 --> 00:22:39,808
It's a little hard to hear you
381
00:22:39,832 --> 00:22:41,549
with that pity dick
in your mouth.
382
00:22:41,573 --> 00:22:44,639
Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.
383
00:22:44,663 --> 00:22:45,989
Thank you...
384
00:22:46,013 --> 00:22:49,035
Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.
385
00:22:49,059 --> 00:22:51,124
Listen to the pain.
386
00:22:51,148 --> 00:22:53,953
It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.
387
00:22:53,977 --> 00:22:57,609
Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.
388
00:22:57,633 --> 00:23:01,526
Sometimes, it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.
389
00:23:01,550 --> 00:23:04,248
But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?
390
00:23:06,772 --> 00:23:07,991
Wade?
391
00:23:10,428 --> 00:23:12,624
Wade? I'm right here, Althea.
392
00:23:12,648 --> 00:23:15,279
And that is
the most beautiful thing
393
00:23:15,303 --> 00:23:16,521
I've ever heard.
394
00:23:17,261 --> 00:23:18,828
And you're absolutely right.
395
00:23:21,570 --> 00:23:22,677
(COUGHS)
396
00:23:22,701 --> 00:23:25,052
I'm about to do
something terrible.
397
00:23:26,792 --> 00:23:28,229
(BLUES ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
398
00:23:31,101 --> 00:23:32,363
DEADPOOL: Precious, aren't they?
399
00:23:33,190 --> 00:23:34,646
Whoa!
400
00:23:34,670 --> 00:23:36,126
Are you a superhero?
401
00:23:36,150 --> 00:23:37,866
Fucking A, sweetie.
402
00:23:37,890 --> 00:23:39,477
What's your name?
403
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,305
Captain Delicious Pants.
404
00:23:41,329 --> 00:23:43,505
Who's Captain Delicious Pants?
405
00:23:45,289 --> 00:23:47,335
(KIDS SCREAMING)
(ANIMAL GROWLING)
406
00:24:08,878 --> 00:24:10,899
I can't believe
he's still alive.
407
00:24:10,923 --> 00:24:13,404
I can't believe you left
the house in that shirt.
408
00:24:14,884 --> 00:24:16,862
There's gotta be
some way to die.
409
00:24:16,886 --> 00:24:18,951
I just need to die harder.
410
00:24:18,975 --> 00:24:20,213
Trademark Fox.
411
00:24:20,237 --> 00:24:21,238
Y'all caught up now?
412
00:24:30,508 --> 00:24:33,120
(OVERLAPPING VOICES)
413
00:24:34,512 --> 00:24:36,186
VANESSA: Open for business.
414
00:24:36,210 --> 00:24:38,473
(OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE)
415
00:24:40,039 --> 00:24:42,192
WADE: Your crazy
matches my crazy.
416
00:24:42,216 --> 00:24:44,368
VANESSA: I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
417
00:24:44,392 --> 00:24:45,673
WADE: Skee-Ball token.
418
00:24:45,697 --> 00:24:46,977
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
419
00:24:47,221 --> 00:24:48,918
(VOICES ECHOING)
420
00:24:52,878 --> 00:24:54,160
WADE: About why we're
so good together.
421
00:24:54,184 --> 00:24:55,379
VANESSA: I love you,
Wade Wilson.
422
00:24:55,403 --> 00:24:56,882
(GASPS)
423
00:24:58,014 --> 00:24:59,407
WADE: Ness?
424
00:25:00,886 --> 00:25:02,018
Ness?
425
00:25:02,845 --> 00:25:04,431
Ness.
426
00:25:04,455 --> 00:25:07,154
Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.
427
00:25:08,851 --> 00:25:11,395
Your heart's not
in the right place.
428
00:25:11,419 --> 00:25:14,093
(STAMMERS)
Wait, hold on. What?
429
00:25:14,117 --> 00:25:16,226
Your heart's not
in the right place.
430
00:25:16,250 --> 00:25:17,662
Wait. What do you mean
431
00:25:17,686 --> 00:25:18,750
my heart's not in the right
place? What does it...
432
00:25:18,774 --> 00:25:20,210
(TIMER TICKING)
433
00:25:22,256 --> 00:25:23,256
(TIMER DINGS)
434
00:25:38,881 --> 00:25:41,405
I'm terribly sorry
for your loss, Wade.
435
00:25:41,884 --> 00:25:43,035
You're broken.
436
00:25:43,059 --> 00:25:46,018
DEADPOOL: Oh, God.
I know that voice.
437
00:26:07,083 --> 00:26:08,539
HEADMASTER: Well, Russell.
438
00:26:08,563 --> 00:26:11,218
I hear you're handy
at picking locks.
439
00:26:12,610 --> 00:26:14,849
There will be no need
for that here.
440
00:26:14,873 --> 00:26:18,181
There's no locks on our doors,
no bars on our windows.
441
00:26:19,530 --> 00:26:21,595
I know what you're thinking.
442
00:26:21,619 --> 00:26:24,294
Why don't the kids just run?
443
00:26:24,318 --> 00:26:27,297
Who would choose to stay
in such a place?
444
00:26:27,321 --> 00:26:29,821
You stay because...
445
00:26:29,845 --> 00:26:34,589
deep down inside, you know
you're unfit to leave.
446
00:26:38,375 --> 00:26:39,985
Don't worry.
447
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:42,814
We can fix that.
448
00:26:47,645 --> 00:26:51,388
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
449
00:27:13,367 --> 00:27:15,083
DEADPOOL: "Heart's in the right place."
450
00:27:15,107 --> 00:27:16,563
"Heart's in the right..."
What does that mean?
451
00:27:16,587 --> 00:27:18,522
COLOSSUS: Take your
mask off, Wade.
452
00:27:18,546 --> 00:27:20,263
I wish you'd said "pants".
453
00:27:20,287 --> 00:27:21,525
Let's play a game.
454
00:27:21,549 --> 00:27:24,092
It's called
"Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?".
455
00:27:24,116 --> 00:27:26,486
Now, close your eyes
and open your mouth.
456
00:27:26,510 --> 00:27:28,338
COLOSSUS: You don't need
to be funny here.
457
00:27:28,947 --> 00:27:30,229
We must talk.
458
00:27:30,253 --> 00:27:32,753
You need fresh start. (GROANS)
459
00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:34,364
Such a glare.
460
00:27:34,388 --> 00:27:36,670
It's like I'm on stage
at the Gaiety.
461
00:27:36,694 --> 00:27:39,325
With training,
you can be X-Man.
462
00:27:39,349 --> 00:27:41,458
You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.
463
00:27:41,482 --> 00:27:42,807
I'm not X-Man material.
464
00:27:42,831 --> 00:27:44,398
Understatement of the year.
465
00:27:44,876 --> 00:27:45,877
Wade, Yukio.
466
00:27:46,356 --> 00:27:48,291
Yukio, Wade.
467
00:27:48,315 --> 00:27:50,423
What in the fuck knuckles
is this?
468
00:27:50,447 --> 00:27:53,121
She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant shit.
469
00:27:53,145 --> 00:27:54,993
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.
470
00:27:55,017 --> 00:27:56,908
I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.
471
00:27:56,932 --> 00:27:59,563
Especially Pinkie Pie
from My Little Pony.
472
00:27:59,587 --> 00:28:01,434
I like this guy.
473
00:28:01,458 --> 00:28:03,567
Give him a chance.
474
00:28:03,591 --> 00:28:04,698
It's great seeing you like this.
475
00:28:04,722 --> 00:28:06,898
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Yeah.
476
00:28:07,377 --> 00:28:08,702
Bye, Wade!
477
00:28:08,726 --> 00:28:11,226
Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.
478
00:28:11,250 --> 00:28:14,055
"Rule number one.
No killing...
479
00:28:14,079 --> 00:28:17,537
"anyone ever, no matter how bad.
480
00:28:17,561 --> 00:28:20,235
"Rule two. Label everything
in refrigerator."
481
00:28:20,259 --> 00:28:21,260
Wade?
482
00:28:22,131 --> 00:28:23,413
Wade?
483
00:28:23,437 --> 00:28:25,284
Don't try to chase me. Wade!
484
00:28:25,308 --> 00:28:27,417
I'm not ready
to be touched again.
485
00:28:27,441 --> 00:28:29,680
All these old guys on the wall.
486
00:28:29,704 --> 00:28:31,793
Who lives here,
Calista Flockhart?
487
00:28:32,707 --> 00:28:34,075
(OBJECTS SHATTERING)
488
00:28:34,099 --> 00:28:37,035
Those were already damaged
after they fell there!
489
00:28:37,059 --> 00:28:38,950
What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?
490
00:28:38,974 --> 00:28:41,256
Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?
491
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:44,172
And how would I do that exactly?
492
00:28:44,196 --> 00:28:46,653
'Cause where the fuck
is everyone?
493
00:28:46,677 --> 00:28:47,915
It's always just you
494
00:28:47,939 --> 00:28:49,264
and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever...
495
00:28:49,288 --> 00:28:50,527
Enough!
496
00:28:50,551 --> 00:28:52,379
(GASPS) I said no touching!
497
00:28:54,163 --> 00:28:57,447
What the fuck?
498
00:28:57,471 --> 00:28:59,666
You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.
499
00:28:59,690 --> 00:29:02,539
One that doesn't end up
in my mouth.
500
00:29:02,563 --> 00:29:03,757
The first movie made more money
501
00:29:03,781 --> 00:29:06,151
than the guy who invented pants.
502
00:29:06,175 --> 00:29:08,371
They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?
503
00:29:08,395 --> 00:29:10,503
How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?
504
00:29:10,527 --> 00:29:11,852
What do those do anyway, huh?
505
00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:13,376
Carry him
three feet off the ground
506
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:15,465
to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?
507
00:29:15,489 --> 00:29:17,684
(DOORS CLOSE) No, no, no!
508
00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:20,470
I am not X-Man material
at all.
509
00:29:20,494 --> 00:29:23,168
First off...
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
510
00:29:23,192 --> 00:29:25,237
I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more... (GROANS)
511
00:29:25,934 --> 00:29:27,433
(GRUNTS)
512
00:29:27,457 --> 00:29:28,521
I should have left you
513
00:29:28,545 --> 00:29:30,305
in the self-pitying mess
I found you in.
514
00:29:30,329 --> 00:29:33,439
But this is what friends do.
They show up!
515
00:29:33,463 --> 00:29:35,485
Not when convenient or easy.
516
00:29:35,509 --> 00:29:39,837
When hard,
and you always make it hard.
517
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:42,361
(BREATHING HEAVILY) You are unwell.
518
00:29:42,385 --> 00:29:44,494
I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.
519
00:29:44,518 --> 00:29:46,452
(STRAINING) Wait.
One of the assholes
520
00:29:46,476 --> 00:29:47,956
who killed Vanessa got away.
521
00:29:48,696 --> 00:29:49,784
(GRUNTS)
522
00:29:50,524 --> 00:29:52,719
Oh, Jesus Christ!
523
00:29:52,743 --> 00:29:54,634
I thought you were gonna
kiss me for a second there.
524
00:29:54,658 --> 00:29:56,593
Please know I wouldn't be
able to stop you if you did.
525
00:29:56,617 --> 00:29:58,682
Wade, whoever they are...
526
00:29:58,706 --> 00:30:01,056
we track them down
and bring them to justice.
527
00:30:01,622 --> 00:30:03,058
It was me.
528
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:08,561
I'm the asshole who got away.
529
00:30:08,585 --> 00:30:11,738
I killed every last one
of them, except me.
530
00:30:11,762 --> 00:30:13,460
Couldn't kill me.
531
00:30:16,593 --> 00:30:18,595
We were gonna start a family.
532
00:30:20,423 --> 00:30:22,401
We were, uh... (SNIFFLES)
533
00:30:22,425 --> 00:30:23,576
(CLEARS THROAT)
534
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,341
We were gonna be a family.
535
00:30:26,124 --> 00:30:27,275
COLOSSUS: Wade...
536
00:30:27,299 --> 00:30:30,085
Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.
537
00:30:31,652 --> 00:30:34,021
This may not be
family you want...
538
00:30:34,045 --> 00:30:36,502
but it's family you need.
539
00:30:36,526 --> 00:30:37,808
You have a good heart.
540
00:30:37,832 --> 00:30:39,398
It belongs here
where it can grow.
541
00:30:41,183 --> 00:30:42,184
What did you say?
542
00:30:44,229 --> 00:30:45,535
About my heart?
543
00:30:49,496 --> 00:30:50,951
(EXHALES)
544
00:30:50,975 --> 00:30:52,977
I think I'm in the right place.
545
00:31:02,987 --> 00:31:04,554
(GRUNTS)
546
00:31:50,382 --> 00:31:51,688
(INAUDIBLE)
547
00:31:56,258 --> 00:31:57,781
(SCREAMING)
548
00:32:00,784 --> 00:32:03,633
MAN: I'mma tell you
what the big lie is.
549
00:32:03,657 --> 00:32:05,286
(ESCAPE PLAYING ON RADIO) Toilet paper.
550
00:32:05,310 --> 00:32:06,723
What's so bad
about toilet paper?
551
00:32:06,747 --> 00:32:07,985
Gets the job done.
552
00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:10,901
Does it really get the job done?
553
00:32:10,925 --> 00:32:13,164
All right. Say you wake up
tomorrow morning...
554
00:32:13,188 --> 00:32:17,908
and, hypothetically, find some
fresh shit on your face.
555
00:32:17,932 --> 00:32:19,649
Your cheek, maybe
a little bit in the beard.
556
00:32:19,673 --> 00:32:21,389
What the hell?
I'm about to be fucking sick!
557
00:32:21,413 --> 00:32:22,521
What do you do?
558
00:32:22,545 --> 00:32:23,870
Do you go to a bathroom
559
00:32:23,894 --> 00:32:25,611
and tear off
a piece of dry tissue...
560
00:32:25,635 --> 00:32:27,526
and rub it around
on your beard a little bit
561
00:32:27,550 --> 00:32:29,136
and then go on,
get on with your day?
562
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:30,790
Go to church,
maybe dinner and a movie,
563
00:32:30,814 --> 00:32:31,965
like nothing happened?
564
00:32:31,989 --> 00:32:33,401
Where is this coming from, man?
565
00:32:33,425 --> 00:32:34,664
But something did happen.
566
00:32:34,688 --> 00:32:36,187
Your face smells like shit.
Right?
567
00:32:36,211 --> 00:32:37,797
So what you would do,
568
00:32:37,821 --> 00:32:40,104
is you would get some soap,
you'd get some hot water...
569
00:32:40,128 --> 00:32:42,497
and you would scrub
the fucking shit
570
00:32:42,521 --> 00:32:44,543
out of your beard
for 10 straight minutes.
571
00:32:44,567 --> 00:32:46,284
You could not scrub it enough.
572
00:32:46,308 --> 00:32:47,981
Are you trying
to make me feel disgusting?
573
00:32:48,005 --> 00:32:49,243
I'm starting to feel...
574
00:32:49,267 --> 00:32:51,985
Toilet paper is
a pretty fine appetizer.
575
00:32:52,009 --> 00:32:54,335
But, then...
576
00:32:54,359 --> 00:32:56,686
Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.
577
00:32:56,710 --> 00:32:58,122
That's your main course.
578
00:32:58,146 --> 00:33:02,082
They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.
579
00:33:02,106 --> 00:33:04,911
Finally, one more pass
with toilet paper,
580
00:33:04,935 --> 00:33:06,870
maybe clear out
that excess moisture.
581
00:33:06,894 --> 00:33:08,567
Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,
582
00:33:08,591 --> 00:33:09,916
if you can get you a hair dryer.
583
00:33:09,940 --> 00:33:12,290
Just about 30 seconds
would do you good.
584
00:33:15,990 --> 00:33:16,991
The fuck?
585
00:33:18,253 --> 00:33:19,297
Year.
586
00:33:20,298 --> 00:33:21,299
What?
587
00:33:22,518 --> 00:33:24,191
What year is it?
588
00:33:24,215 --> 00:33:26,653
What kind of dumb-ass question
is that to ask?
589
00:33:33,007 --> 00:33:35,966
(ESCAPE CONTINUES PLAYING ON RADIO)
590
00:33:40,710 --> 00:33:42,364
(ALARM RINGING)
591
00:33:43,757 --> 00:33:45,889
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
592
00:33:57,422 --> 00:34:00,227
INSTRUCTOR: We have 8 weeks of
boot camp ahead of us, men.
593
00:34:00,251 --> 00:34:01,620
That'll get us
toned and prepared
594
00:34:01,644 --> 00:34:03,211
for all manner of combat.
595
00:34:05,300 --> 00:34:09,541
Not working out at all.
596
00:34:09,565 --> 00:34:11,238
Masking tape.
597
00:34:11,262 --> 00:34:13,612
It is no friend
to chilled aluminum.
598
00:34:14,701 --> 00:34:16,722
Velcro.
Color-coded, efficient,
599
00:34:16,746 --> 00:34:17,791
environmentally friendly.
600
00:34:18,574 --> 00:34:20,160
Who is he talking to?
601
00:34:20,184 --> 00:34:21,858
And why is he dressed like
a registered sex offender?
602
00:34:21,882 --> 00:34:23,903
Can we focus
for a moment, ladies?
603
00:34:23,927 --> 00:34:26,253
Please, we need to talk about
next month's meal plan.
604
00:34:26,277 --> 00:34:28,081
Obviously, everyone
hated the ceviche.
605
00:34:28,105 --> 00:34:29,474
I read the suggestion box.
606
00:34:29,498 --> 00:34:31,128
I'm gonna stop you right there.
607
00:34:31,152 --> 00:34:33,173
I see through this weak act.
608
00:34:33,197 --> 00:34:37,569
You may have fooled Colossus
with this nice guy shit...
609
00:34:37,593 --> 00:34:38,788
but not me.
610
00:34:38,812 --> 00:34:39,919
Don't be mean.
611
00:34:39,943 --> 00:34:41,312
Back off, NTW.
612
00:34:41,336 --> 00:34:43,575
No, no, no. Let her go.
613
00:34:43,599 --> 00:34:44,794
Let her go, it's okay.
614
00:34:44,818 --> 00:34:46,404
She has a right to be skeptical.
615
00:34:46,428 --> 00:34:49,039
Look at me.
I'm an easy target.
616
00:34:50,214 --> 00:34:51,626
You know, historically,
617
00:34:51,650 --> 00:34:53,585
mischief has been my mistress...
618
00:34:53,609 --> 00:34:56,264
so I understand, you know.
But I like to think...
619
00:34:57,874 --> 00:35:01,201
that you guys have
really rubbed off on me.
620
00:35:01,225 --> 00:35:03,305
I like to think that I've
rubbed off around you, too.
621
00:35:05,273 --> 00:35:07,251
A lot.
622
00:35:07,275 --> 00:35:09,949
And for the first time
in a long while...
623
00:35:09,973 --> 00:35:11,148
I like me.
624
00:35:13,368 --> 00:35:15,912
I accept your apology. I never apologized.
625
00:35:15,936 --> 00:35:17,522
I was talking to your heart.
626
00:35:17,546 --> 00:35:19,959
See? You're not
lost cause you thought.
627
00:35:19,983 --> 00:35:23,223
I'm proud. You're everything
I knew you can be.
628
00:35:23,247 --> 00:35:25,269
Thank you, Colossus.
629
00:35:25,293 --> 00:35:26,923
Just trying to be
the world's best X-Man.
630
00:35:26,947 --> 00:35:28,383
Sorry, X-Person.
631
00:35:29,950 --> 00:35:32,667
Hmm. Something wrong
with the soap.
632
00:35:32,691 --> 00:35:34,321
It's fine.
633
00:35:34,345 --> 00:35:36,565
I just filled it. Give it
a few more pumps there.
634
00:35:37,784 --> 00:35:40,284
Now, if you'll excuse me...
635
00:35:40,308 --> 00:35:42,112
it's dust bunny season...
636
00:35:42,136 --> 00:35:43,137
and I'm hunting wabbits.
637
00:35:43,877 --> 00:35:44,965
Bye, Wade!
638
00:35:47,141 --> 00:35:49,708
(MOUTHING) Fuck.
(MOUTHING) Fuck you.
639
00:35:55,845 --> 00:35:57,325
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING)
640
00:35:59,327 --> 00:36:01,348
(BELL STOPS RINGING)
641
00:36:01,372 --> 00:36:03,960
HEADMASTER: No one is born perfect.
642
00:36:03,984 --> 00:36:06,005
But you can be.
643
00:36:06,029 --> 00:36:08,379
I know you're doing
what comes naturally.
644
00:36:12,688 --> 00:36:14,516
You can't help yourself.
645
00:36:18,389 --> 00:36:20,498
But you can.
646
00:36:20,522 --> 00:36:23,631
It takes work, discipline...
647
00:36:23,655 --> 00:36:24,894
and treatment.
648
00:36:24,918 --> 00:36:26,615
Your abilities...
649
00:36:28,573 --> 00:36:31,378
I know how seductive they are.
650
00:36:31,402 --> 00:36:34,555
How powerful they make you feel.
651
00:36:34,579 --> 00:36:37,123
But you must learn
never to use them...
652
00:36:37,147 --> 00:36:39,758
so they will never use you.
653
00:36:43,371 --> 00:36:44,589
(CRYING)
654
00:36:45,982 --> 00:36:47,592
Please don't cry.
655
00:36:48,419 --> 00:36:50,049
I'm going to help.
656
00:36:50,073 --> 00:36:53,270
I'm gonna make you feel
what you should feel.
657
00:36:53,294 --> 00:36:55,838
How you need to feel...
658
00:36:55,862 --> 00:36:59,232
every time you're tempted
to act upon your urges.
659
00:36:59,256 --> 00:37:03,173
Suck my mutant dick,
you four-eyed fuck.
660
00:37:05,741 --> 00:37:07,699
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GRUNTING)
661
00:37:13,140 --> 00:37:14,141
(SCREAMS)
662
00:37:17,579 --> 00:37:18,797
COLOSSUS: Wade.
663
00:37:19,798 --> 00:37:21,385
Wade!
664
00:37:21,409 --> 00:37:23,517
Come in!
Hey, I was just doing
665
00:37:23,541 --> 00:37:25,476
a little bit
of light reading here...
666
00:37:25,500 --> 00:37:26,956
We have mission.
667
00:37:26,980 --> 00:37:28,522
Well, you guys be
safe out there.
668
00:37:28,546 --> 00:37:29,828
I'll be praying for you.
669
00:37:29,852 --> 00:37:32,246
No, I want you to join.
670
00:37:33,464 --> 00:37:34,659
I'm sorry, what?
671
00:37:34,683 --> 00:37:36,313
You heard me.
672
00:37:36,337 --> 00:37:38,750
Trust me,
that's a terrible idea.
673
00:37:38,774 --> 00:37:39,882
I'm really not ready.
674
00:37:39,906 --> 00:37:41,622
You are ready. I'm not.
675
00:37:41,646 --> 00:37:43,537
Be at the X-Jet in five.
676
00:37:43,561 --> 00:37:44,756
I can do thirty.
677
00:37:44,780 --> 00:37:46,758
Now. I can do now.
678
00:37:46,782 --> 00:37:48,020
Final offer.
679
00:37:48,044 --> 00:37:50,631
REPORTER: Irene Merryweather,
WHIT News.
680
00:37:50,655 --> 00:37:52,677
Live here
at a breaking news situation
681
00:37:52,701 --> 00:37:55,375
at the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation.
682
00:37:55,399 --> 00:37:57,377
A mutant boy
is appearing to have
683
00:37:57,401 --> 00:37:58,901
some sort of an incident...
684
00:37:58,925 --> 00:38:00,424
with police here behind me.
RUSSELL: Get away from me!
685
00:38:00,448 --> 00:38:02,905
There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.
686
00:38:02,929 --> 00:38:04,384
There are open fires. Fuck off! Stay back!
687
00:38:04,408 --> 00:38:05,472
REPORTER: A scene of
absolute chaos here.
688
00:38:05,496 --> 00:38:06,647
OFFICER: Calm down.
689
00:38:06,671 --> 00:38:09,283
RUSSELL: I'll burn you!
You stay back!
690
00:38:10,023 --> 00:38:11,826
Get away from me!
691
00:38:11,850 --> 00:38:14,331
You wanna fucking die?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
692
00:38:29,346 --> 00:38:32,586
And it appears as if the X-Men
are arriving...
693
00:38:32,610 --> 00:38:34,153
DEADPOOL: Scatter!
694
00:38:34,177 --> 00:38:36,199
REPORTER: ...with what appears
to be a trainee.
695
00:38:36,223 --> 00:38:39,245
DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...
696
00:38:39,269 --> 00:38:40,464
We're the X-Men!
697
00:38:40,488 --> 00:38:43,032
A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.
698
00:38:43,056 --> 00:38:45,599
So, respect.
699
00:38:45,623 --> 00:38:46,885
At ease, Officer.
700
00:38:48,452 --> 00:38:49,976
What are you doing?
701
00:38:50,454 --> 00:38:51,779
My job!
702
00:38:51,803 --> 00:38:53,216
You're the one who said
I was ready,
703
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:54,782
and I frankly disagreed
with you.
704
00:38:54,806 --> 00:38:57,220
But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.
705
00:38:57,244 --> 00:38:59,681
Like Beyonce says, "Please...
706
00:39:00,508 --> 00:39:01,920
"Please, stop cheating on me."
707
00:39:01,944 --> 00:39:03,052
OFFICER: Hey!
708
00:39:03,076 --> 00:39:04,488
This is the fifth incident.
709
00:39:04,512 --> 00:39:06,751
This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.
710
00:39:06,775 --> 00:39:08,448
Russell belongs in our care.
711
00:39:08,472 --> 00:39:10,276
Not in prison.
I assure you...
712
00:39:10,300 --> 00:39:11,451
we have everything
under control.
713
00:39:11,475 --> 00:39:12,583
RUSSELL: Stay back!
I'll burn you!
714
00:39:12,607 --> 00:39:13,845
Not getting a real
715
00:39:13,869 --> 00:39:15,978
"under control"
vibe here, Marty.
716
00:39:16,002 --> 00:39:18,067
It is Glen, isn't it? Daniel.
717
00:39:18,091 --> 00:39:19,329
I'll ask the questions, Miguel.
718
00:39:19,353 --> 00:39:20,721
Let me talk to the kid.
719
00:39:20,745 --> 00:39:25,576
You stay here with your weird,
secret sex lips.
720
00:39:27,317 --> 00:39:28,381
RUSSELL: You wanna die?
721
00:39:28,405 --> 00:39:29,600
DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable.
722
00:39:29,624 --> 00:39:30,644
I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.
723
00:39:30,668 --> 00:39:31,863
I'll burn your balls off!
724
00:39:31,887 --> 00:39:35,258
First day. (CHUCKLING)
I'm so nervous!
725
00:39:35,282 --> 00:39:36,868
Did you just say
"hollow points"?
726
00:39:36,892 --> 00:39:38,261
Yeah, probably should've
727
00:39:38,285 --> 00:39:40,330
brought a Super Soaker.
(LAUGHS)
728
00:39:40,896 --> 00:39:41,897
Hi, there!
729
00:39:43,159 --> 00:39:45,703
Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!
730
00:39:45,727 --> 00:39:49,209
(LAUGHS) Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.
731
00:39:50,601 --> 00:39:52,275
(RUSSELL GRUNTS)
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
732
00:39:52,299 --> 00:39:55,452
Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.
733
00:39:55,476 --> 00:39:57,019
Okay? Let's just talk!
734
00:39:57,043 --> 00:39:58,672
It's Russell, right?
735
00:39:58,696 --> 00:40:00,979
Firefist. Firefist.
736
00:40:01,003 --> 00:40:03,242
Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?
737
00:40:03,266 --> 00:40:05,066
Just the fist, or all the way
up to the elbow?
738
00:40:05,660 --> 00:40:06,922
(GRUNTS)
739
00:40:08,402 --> 00:40:09,727
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
740
00:40:09,751 --> 00:40:12,425
(CHUCKLES) Definitely all
the way up to the elbow.
741
00:40:12,449 --> 00:40:15,298
Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.
742
00:40:15,322 --> 00:40:18,127
You stole that from Robocop!
That's from Robocop!
743
00:40:18,151 --> 00:40:19,824
Just stand down!
744
00:40:19,848 --> 00:40:21,956
You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...
745
00:40:21,980 --> 00:40:23,262
(LAUGHS)
746
00:40:23,286 --> 00:40:25,830
Oh, my God! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!
747
00:40:25,854 --> 00:40:26,855
(GRUNTS)
748
00:40:27,812 --> 00:40:30,313
(ALL SCREAMING)
749
00:40:30,337 --> 00:40:34,360
Oh, shit!
That fucking does it!
750
00:40:34,384 --> 00:40:35,796
Put your hands behind your knees
751
00:40:35,820 --> 00:40:37,320
and get down
on your head! Now!
752
00:40:37,344 --> 00:40:39,626
Wade! What was first rule?
753
00:40:39,650 --> 00:40:41,628
Label everything
in the refrigerator!
754
00:40:41,652 --> 00:40:44,283
Do not escalate!
Rules are meant to be broken!
755
00:40:44,307 --> 00:40:45,763
COLOSSUS: That's the exact opposite
756
00:40:45,787 --> 00:40:47,136
of what they're meant for!
757
00:40:48,181 --> 00:40:50,159
Fuck! Fine!
758
00:40:50,183 --> 00:40:51,812
I'll start from the beginning.
759
00:40:51,836 --> 00:40:54,206
My name is Deadpool,
and I'm an X-Man.
760
00:40:54,230 --> 00:40:56,189
Trainee! Shut it!
761
00:40:57,146 --> 00:40:59,409
Look, I get it.
762
00:41:00,584 --> 00:41:02,195
All right, you're scared.
763
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:03,868
Alone.
764
00:41:03,892 --> 00:41:04,999
You got no family.
765
00:41:05,023 --> 00:41:06,088
I didn't have a family, either.
766
00:41:06,112 --> 00:41:07,872
You live in this dump.
Guess what?
767
00:41:07,896 --> 00:41:09,593
I used to live in a shithole
just like it.
768
00:41:10,507 --> 00:41:11,876
But you know something?
769
00:41:11,900 --> 00:41:13,660
A wise woman once said to me...
770
00:41:13,684 --> 00:41:15,184
"Speak up."
771
00:41:15,208 --> 00:41:18,056
"I can't hear you with that
pity dick in your mouth."
772
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:19,710
Too much? I went too far.
773
00:41:19,734 --> 00:41:20,996
(GRUNTS)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
774
00:41:27,655 --> 00:41:29,198
That was effervescent.
775
00:41:29,222 --> 00:41:31,504
(SIGHS) Stay in school, kid.
776
00:41:31,528 --> 00:41:33,376
Or don't. I didn't.
777
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,029
And I'm an X-Man.
(THUDS)
778
00:41:35,053 --> 00:41:36,205
Trainee.
779
00:41:36,229 --> 00:41:37,597
Fuck it!
780
00:41:37,621 --> 00:41:39,362
Superhero landing coming up!
781
00:41:41,495 --> 00:41:42,950
(GRUNTS)
782
00:41:42,974 --> 00:41:44,648
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
783
00:41:44,672 --> 00:41:46,780
(GROANS)
That is so not practical.
784
00:41:46,804 --> 00:41:48,328
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
785
00:41:50,112 --> 00:41:51,287
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
786
00:41:56,858 --> 00:41:58,076
(GROANS)
787
00:42:02,429 --> 00:42:04,779
(CROWD CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)
788
00:42:07,260 --> 00:42:09,412
I could get used
to this X-Man shit.
789
00:42:09,436 --> 00:42:10,587
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Trainee!
790
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:11,849
DEADPOOL: Trainee!
791
00:42:11,873 --> 00:42:13,677
OFFICER: Get a power
restraint on him. Now!
792
00:42:13,701 --> 00:42:16,921
DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
793
00:42:17,618 --> 00:42:18,769
(DEVICE WHIRRS)
794
00:42:18,793 --> 00:42:20,336
What's that do?
795
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:21,902
Power-dampening collar.
796
00:42:21,926 --> 00:42:23,252
Shuts down all mutant abilities.
797
00:42:23,276 --> 00:42:26,124
You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
798
00:42:26,148 --> 00:42:29,171
Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.
799
00:42:29,195 --> 00:42:30,413
HEADMASTER: Thank you!
800
00:42:32,285 --> 00:42:34,524
That was absolutely thrilling.
801
00:42:34,548 --> 00:42:36,787
True heroism in action.
802
00:42:36,811 --> 00:42:38,465
We are in your debt.
803
00:42:39,292 --> 00:42:40,965
We can take it from here.
804
00:42:40,989 --> 00:42:43,228
Take me to the Ice Box, please!
805
00:42:43,252 --> 00:42:44,447
Anywhere's better than here.
806
00:42:44,471 --> 00:42:45,752
DEADPOOL: Believe me, son,
807
00:42:45,776 --> 00:42:47,537
you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.
808
00:42:47,561 --> 00:42:50,192
That place makes Hitler's anus
look like Waikiki.
809
00:42:50,216 --> 00:42:52,106
Let's get you inside, young man.
810
00:42:52,130 --> 00:42:54,152
No, wait, wait. Wait.
811
00:42:54,176 --> 00:42:55,656
You guys stay there.
812
00:43:05,753 --> 00:43:07,363
Those guys hurt you?
813
00:43:08,799 --> 00:43:09,844
Who?
814
00:43:11,889 --> 00:43:14,588
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
815
00:43:16,067 --> 00:43:17,547
Both of 'em?
816
00:43:21,290 --> 00:43:23,007
Oh, fuck it.
817
00:43:23,031 --> 00:43:24,617
Four or five moments!
818
00:43:24,641 --> 00:43:25,705
I'm sorry?
819
00:43:25,729 --> 00:43:28,906
Four or five moments!
820
00:43:30,168 --> 00:43:32,910
That's all it takes
to be a hero.
821
00:43:33,955 --> 00:43:36,281
People think
you wake up a hero...
822
00:43:36,305 --> 00:43:38,457
brush your teeth a hero...
823
00:43:38,481 --> 00:43:41,417
ejaculate into
a soap dispenser a hero.
824
00:43:41,441 --> 00:43:42,809
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
825
00:43:42,833 --> 00:43:46,533
But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!
826
00:43:47,882 --> 00:43:49,555
A few moments...
827
00:43:49,579 --> 00:43:52,297
doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.
828
00:43:52,321 --> 00:43:53,366
(GROANS)
829
00:43:55,759 --> 00:43:56,891
No!
830
00:43:59,546 --> 00:44:00,827
OFFICER: Stand down!
Hold your fire!
831
00:44:00,851 --> 00:44:03,221
Wade, what did you do? Colossus, no!
832
00:44:03,245 --> 00:44:06,529
You were right, Wade.
You are not X-Men material.
833
00:44:06,553 --> 00:44:08,879
No shit, Shiny Gandhi!
834
00:44:08,903 --> 00:44:10,402
What was your first clue?
835
00:44:10,426 --> 00:44:13,579
The hollow point
through that fuckhead's face?
836
00:44:13,603 --> 00:44:14,928
That kid was abused!
837
00:44:14,952 --> 00:44:17,017
You can always tell!
COLOSSUS: We have rules!
838
00:44:17,041 --> 00:44:19,803
You are not judge,
jury or executioner!
839
00:44:19,827 --> 00:44:22,806
Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!
840
00:44:22,830 --> 00:44:24,677
And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!
841
00:44:24,701 --> 00:44:27,748
You let me down
for the last time, Wade.
842
00:44:30,881 --> 00:44:33,207
OFFICER: Okay, get
these guys in the pod.
843
00:44:33,231 --> 00:44:35,427
Take them to the Ice Box.(SIRENS WAILING)
844
00:44:35,451 --> 00:44:37,323
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
845
00:44:48,464 --> 00:44:51,313
(PRISONERS SHOUTING)
(WHISTLING)
846
00:44:51,337 --> 00:44:53,208
(GATE BUZZING)
847
00:44:54,862 --> 00:44:56,013
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTS)
848
00:44:56,037 --> 00:44:57,038
Hey, baby!
849
00:44:58,126 --> 00:45:00,409
I wonder what gang I'll be in.
850
00:45:00,433 --> 00:45:01,932
Yeah!
851
00:45:01,956 --> 00:45:04,219
Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
(MOUTHS) Hi.
852
00:45:06,090 --> 00:45:07,503
I've always seen myself as
853
00:45:07,527 --> 00:45:08,919
more of an East
Coast Hufflepuff.
854
00:45:10,443 --> 00:45:13,422
I've made a critical error
on my Airbnb reservation.
855
00:45:13,446 --> 00:45:17,319
This is not what the website
looked like at all.
856
00:45:18,886 --> 00:45:20,646
I love the decor though.
857
00:45:20,670 --> 00:45:22,648
I had no idea
hopeless was a color.
858
00:45:22,672 --> 00:45:23,934
GUARD: Hard left, douchebag.
859
00:45:28,461 --> 00:45:29,679
Please, after you.
860
00:45:31,812 --> 00:45:34,530
Another disgusting minority
off the streets.
861
00:45:34,554 --> 00:45:35,705
We'll sleep well tonight.
862
00:45:35,729 --> 00:45:36,793
Let's get a bagel.
863
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:40,013
(TASER CRACKLING)
(GROANING)
864
00:45:40,037 --> 00:45:42,866
Nighty-night,
you annoying prick!
865
00:45:43,954 --> 00:45:46,043
(CONTINUES GROANING)
866
00:46:13,027 --> 00:46:14,550
(VOMITING)
867
00:46:18,641 --> 00:46:20,532
RUSSELL: You're a long way
from your superpowers.
868
00:46:20,556 --> 00:46:23,013
Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.
869
00:46:23,037 --> 00:46:25,537
Not to worry, we're old friends.
870
00:46:25,561 --> 00:46:26,799
Fuck!
871
00:46:26,823 --> 00:46:29,019
I wanted to be a superhero.
872
00:46:29,043 --> 00:46:31,021
Always wanted a real super suit.
873
00:46:31,045 --> 00:46:32,631
(SIGHS) What happened?
874
00:46:32,655 --> 00:46:34,775
When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?
875
00:46:35,441 --> 00:46:36,940
Never.
876
00:46:36,964 --> 00:46:38,748
The industry discriminates.
877
00:46:39,836 --> 00:46:41,945
Fuck superheroes.
878
00:46:41,969 --> 00:46:44,251
The thing that
pisses me off the most...
879
00:46:44,275 --> 00:46:46,103
I never stood up
for myself in there.
880
00:46:47,714 --> 00:46:50,649
My whole life.
881
00:46:50,673 --> 00:46:54,155
I've been waiting for someone
to come and save me.
882
00:46:56,549 --> 00:46:59,508
Nobody's gonna sacrifice
anything for me.
883
00:47:03,643 --> 00:47:05,906
I gotta start taking care
of myself.
884
00:47:07,255 --> 00:47:10,016
I have a mission now.
885
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:12,715
The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here...
886
00:47:12,739 --> 00:47:15,108
burn the headmaster alive...
887
00:47:15,132 --> 00:47:18,851
and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.
888
00:47:18,875 --> 00:47:21,312
Aw. That's, like,
my favorite part of the Bible.
889
00:47:23,053 --> 00:47:25,554
I don't have
a sock puppet on me...
890
00:47:25,578 --> 00:47:27,643
but what did he do to you?
891
00:47:27,667 --> 00:47:29,296
Did he taste the rainbow?
892
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,366
I'd whisper it,
but Skittles would sue us.
893
00:47:32,541 --> 00:47:34,563
Fucker hates mutants.
894
00:47:34,587 --> 00:47:36,565
He tried to beat
the genes out of us.
895
00:47:36,589 --> 00:47:39,113
Nothing worse than
a "pray the gay away" type guy.
896
00:47:39,896 --> 00:47:41,289
Sick piece of shit.
897
00:47:42,682 --> 00:47:46,381
Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here...
898
00:47:47,338 --> 00:47:49,055
and we'll make him our bitch!
899
00:47:49,079 --> 00:47:50,428
(RUMBLING)
900
00:47:51,691 --> 00:47:52,929
(WADE COUGHS)
901
00:47:52,953 --> 00:47:54,321
What was that? (CLEARS THROAT)
902
00:47:54,345 --> 00:47:56,933
That is the biggest guy in here.
903
00:47:56,957 --> 00:47:59,065
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
904
00:47:59,089 --> 00:48:00,937
though no one's ever seen it,
905
00:48:00,961 --> 00:48:03,200
they keep a monster
in the basement.
906
00:48:03,224 --> 00:48:04,984
Right next to a huge,
907
00:48:05,008 --> 00:48:06,532
steaming bowl of foreshadowing.
908
00:48:07,184 --> 00:48:08,185
Look.
909
00:48:09,186 --> 00:48:11,469
I can't protect you. (COUGHS)
910
00:48:11,493 --> 00:48:12,644
With this collar on,
911
00:48:12,668 --> 00:48:15,821
my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.
912
00:48:15,845 --> 00:48:19,346
Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.
913
00:48:19,370 --> 00:48:21,479
Now, if you'll excuse me...
(COUGHS)
914
00:48:21,503 --> 00:48:24,700
I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.
915
00:48:24,724 --> 00:48:27,224
I'll start by making us a shank.
916
00:48:27,248 --> 00:48:29,182
Good listening. I stole that guard's pen...
917
00:48:29,206 --> 00:48:31,184
and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,
918
00:48:31,208 --> 00:48:32,621
if you know what I'm saying.
919
00:48:32,645 --> 00:48:35,125
I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.
920
00:48:35,735 --> 00:48:37,190
(RUSSELL EXHALES)
921
00:48:37,214 --> 00:48:39,584
RUSSELL: I know it's in there,
I just need to get it out.
922
00:48:39,608 --> 00:48:41,717
Oh, Jesus Christ.
923
00:48:41,741 --> 00:48:44,415
I can hear you
rummaging around in there.
924
00:48:44,439 --> 00:48:46,852
Do they make Purell
for your ears?
925
00:48:46,876 --> 00:48:48,399
(SIREN WAILING)
926
00:48:51,359 --> 00:48:52,728
REPORTER: (ON TV)
And to update you
927
00:48:52,752 --> 00:48:54,164
on the story reported earlier,
928
00:48:54,188 --> 00:48:55,905
after a lengthy standoff
929
00:48:55,929 --> 00:48:58,560
outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation...
930
00:48:58,584 --> 00:48:59,909
two mutants were arrested
931
00:48:59,933 --> 00:49:01,693
and transported
to the Ice Box...
932
00:49:01,717 --> 00:49:03,197
AUTOMATED VOICE: Entering repair mode.
933
00:49:07,549 --> 00:49:09,135
REPORTER: ...several
police cars were destroyed
934
00:49:09,159 --> 00:49:10,987
and the X-Men were called in
to restore order.
935
00:49:30,877 --> 00:49:32,202
(COUGHS)
936
00:49:32,226 --> 00:49:34,247
GUARD: (ON PA)
Cells seven and nine
937
00:49:34,271 --> 00:49:37,686
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
938
00:49:37,710 --> 00:49:39,209
Cells seven and nine
939
00:49:39,233 --> 00:49:41,975
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
940
00:49:43,716 --> 00:49:45,108
Psst!
941
00:49:47,415 --> 00:49:49,785
Don't do that.
942
00:49:49,809 --> 00:49:52,701
What? Why are you
winking at me?
943
00:49:52,725 --> 00:49:53,813
(COUGHS)
944
00:49:56,293 --> 00:49:57,706
I got your back.
945
00:49:57,730 --> 00:49:58,968
Oh, my God.
946
00:49:58,992 --> 00:50:00,534
You're sick,
I gotta protect you.
947
00:50:00,558 --> 00:50:02,473
Just leave me alone, kid.
(MAN WHISTLING)
948
00:50:03,605 --> 00:50:04,650
Oh, great.
949
00:50:05,259 --> 00:50:06,497
(WADE COUGHS)
950
00:50:06,521 --> 00:50:09,065
Well, hello there, new fish.
951
00:50:09,089 --> 00:50:12,155
It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.
952
00:50:12,179 --> 00:50:14,461
(COUGHS) I've done some
light catalog work...
953
00:50:14,485 --> 00:50:16,986
but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.
954
00:50:17,010 --> 00:50:19,815
I was talking to him.Oh.
955
00:50:19,839 --> 00:50:23,253
Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.
956
00:50:23,277 --> 00:50:25,951
Black Tom Cassidy. White Wade Wilson.
957
00:50:25,975 --> 00:50:29,433
What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?
958
00:50:29,457 --> 00:50:32,044
You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.
959
00:50:32,068 --> 00:50:34,656
You don't look like much to me.
960
00:50:34,680 --> 00:50:37,136
First rule of the yard,
fuckface...
961
00:50:37,160 --> 00:50:39,225
find the biggest guy
and make him your...
962
00:50:39,249 --> 00:50:41,208
(GROANS)
(INMATES EXCLAIM)
963
00:50:43,036 --> 00:50:45,275
Second biggest guy.
964
00:50:45,299 --> 00:50:47,756
The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.
965
00:50:47,780 --> 00:50:51,368
Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!
966
00:50:51,392 --> 00:50:53,239
Can we get a wipe down
on the table?
967
00:50:53,263 --> 00:50:54,501
(GROANS)
(INMATES EXCLAIM)
968
00:50:54,525 --> 00:50:56,765
Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.
969
00:50:56,789 --> 00:50:59,158
No, I didn't!
He's my friend!
970
00:50:59,182 --> 00:51:01,445
Zip it. We're not friends.
(INMATES CHEERING)
971
00:51:03,143 --> 00:51:04,423
You're about to get
dick-slapped.
972
00:51:05,406 --> 00:51:07,843
(INMATES SHOUTING)
(COUGHS)
973
00:51:09,366 --> 00:51:10,933
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
974
00:51:16,809 --> 00:51:18,569
I had so much fun!
You were like... (GRUNTS)
975
00:51:18,593 --> 00:51:20,702
And I was like,
"Take a seat, shit dick."
976
00:51:20,726 --> 00:51:22,486
Just let me die in peace.
977
00:51:22,510 --> 00:51:24,662
(GRUNTS)
We make a great team!
978
00:51:24,686 --> 00:51:27,273
Oh, God! We're not a team.
(COUGHING)
979
00:51:27,297 --> 00:51:31,669
Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.
980
00:51:31,693 --> 00:51:34,087
We're not partners or friends.
981
00:51:35,523 --> 00:51:37,631
This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.
982
00:51:37,655 --> 00:51:39,851
It ends with me
dying of cancer...
983
00:51:39,875 --> 00:51:43,768
and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.
984
00:51:43,792 --> 00:51:45,161
(WADE COUGHS)
985
00:51:45,185 --> 00:51:46,815
There's only one person
in this world
986
00:51:46,839 --> 00:51:48,623
that I care about,
and she's gone.
987
00:51:50,407 --> 00:51:53,604
You wanna survive?
988
00:51:53,628 --> 00:51:56,955
Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here...
989
00:51:56,979 --> 00:51:58,851
and make friends with them.
990
00:52:00,156 --> 00:52:01,767
Make friends with someone.
991
00:52:02,985 --> 00:52:04,595
Anyone but me.
992
00:52:05,771 --> 00:52:08,077
Maybe even Black Tim.
993
00:52:08,991 --> 00:52:10,621
Black Evan, I don't know.
994
00:52:10,645 --> 00:52:13,126
All I remember is
he was African-American.
995
00:52:23,963 --> 00:52:25,660
(GUARDS GROANING)
996
00:52:32,362 --> 00:52:33,722
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(ALARM BLARING)
997
00:52:40,806 --> 00:52:42,633
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
998
00:52:48,030 --> 00:52:49,771
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
999
00:52:51,120 --> 00:52:52,818
(GUARDS GROANING)
1000
00:52:58,606 --> 00:53:00,714
AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON PA)
System malfunctioning.
1001
00:53:00,738 --> 00:53:04,109
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
1002
00:53:04,133 --> 00:53:06,416
Back in your cells, you filthy
mutants! Get in there!
1003
00:53:06,440 --> 00:53:09,747
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
1004
00:53:10,923 --> 00:53:12,363
(BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Searching.
1005
00:53:13,882 --> 00:53:16,232
Cell 04 located.
1006
00:53:17,625 --> 00:53:19,777
Door won't open!
1007
00:53:19,801 --> 00:53:21,411
GUARD: On your fucking knees!
1008
00:53:23,936 --> 00:53:25,502
(ALL GRUNTING)
1009
00:53:58,361 --> 00:54:00,059
That was our cell.
1010
00:54:02,191 --> 00:54:04,517
What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old fucker
1011
00:54:04,541 --> 00:54:05,716
with a Winter Soldier arm?
1012
00:54:14,987 --> 00:54:16,902
Get away from me, kid!
1013
00:54:18,773 --> 00:54:19,948
(PRISONER GROANS)
1014
00:54:20,601 --> 00:54:21,689
(ALL GRUNTING)
1015
00:54:24,518 --> 00:54:25,736
Listen to me! Go!
1016
00:54:31,220 --> 00:54:32,526
Hello, Russell.
1017
00:54:36,269 --> 00:54:37,357
(COCKS GUN)
1018
00:54:41,448 --> 00:54:42,797
(GROANS)
1019
00:54:43,929 --> 00:54:45,669
(WADE GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
1020
00:54:47,193 --> 00:54:48,846
(GROANING)
1021
00:55:01,947 --> 00:55:03,252
(GRUNTS)
1022
00:55:13,219 --> 00:55:15,612
(GUARDS GROANING)
1023
00:55:34,936 --> 00:55:37,634
(GROANING)
1024
00:55:41,377 --> 00:55:42,857
(ALL GRUNTING)
1025
00:55:51,518 --> 00:55:52,712
(GROANS)
1026
00:55:52,736 --> 00:55:54,540
(GASPS)
1027
00:55:54,564 --> 00:55:55,739
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1028
00:56:02,703 --> 00:56:04,096
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
1029
00:56:07,055 --> 00:56:08,578
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1030
00:56:16,108 --> 00:56:17,109
Who are you?
1031
00:56:18,023 --> 00:56:19,241
I'm Batman.
1032
00:56:28,598 --> 00:56:29,686
(GASPS)
1033
00:56:30,687 --> 00:56:31,732
Ooh!
1034
00:56:32,689 --> 00:56:33,777
(GRUNTS)
1035
00:56:36,476 --> 00:56:39,348
Oh. That's got some zip.
1036
00:56:47,878 --> 00:56:50,664
Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.
1037
00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:52,946
Talk!
1038
00:56:52,970 --> 00:56:54,774
What kind of
spineless shit stick
1039
00:56:54,798 --> 00:56:56,148
tries to kill
a 14-year-old boy?
1040
00:56:57,453 --> 00:56:58,996
You might wanna start talking!
1041
00:56:59,020 --> 00:57:01,260
'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!
1042
00:57:02,632 --> 00:57:04,654
The name's Cable.
1043
00:57:04,678 --> 00:57:07,333
I'm from the future.
Just walk away.
1044
00:57:08,029 --> 00:57:09,354
Oh!
1045
00:57:09,378 --> 00:57:11,356
So, you're from the future.
1046
00:57:11,380 --> 00:57:13,358
I have three questions then.
1047
00:57:13,382 --> 00:57:17,014
One, is dubstep still a thing?
1048
00:57:17,038 --> 00:57:19,538
Two, do people still homebrew?
1049
00:57:19,562 --> 00:57:22,130
And three,
does Dopinder ever find love?
1050
00:57:31,226 --> 00:57:32,749
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1051
00:57:45,762 --> 00:57:47,590
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1052
00:57:49,940 --> 00:57:53,292
(SHOUTING)
(CHOKING)
1053
00:57:56,208 --> 00:57:57,557
(SCREAMING)
1054
00:58:02,214 --> 00:58:03,911
(GROANING)
1055
00:58:06,305 --> 00:58:08,109
Dubstep's for pussies.
1056
00:58:08,133 --> 00:58:09,458
You're so dark!
1057
00:58:09,482 --> 00:58:11,571
Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?
1058
00:58:12,311 --> 00:58:13,897
I love dubstep!
1059
00:58:13,921 --> 00:58:16,097
(DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING)
1060
00:58:24,410 --> 00:58:26,151
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
1061
00:58:38,641 --> 00:58:40,141
(GROANS)
1062
00:58:40,165 --> 00:58:41,620
WADE: Is that a fanny pack?
1063
00:58:41,644 --> 00:58:44,212
I used to have one of those
in 1990-never.
1064
00:58:45,213 --> 00:58:47,322
Something to remember you by.
1065
00:58:47,346 --> 00:58:51,152
Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.
1066
00:58:51,176 --> 00:58:53,526
Like the memory
of your fucking fanny pack!
1067
00:58:59,009 --> 00:59:00,054
(GROANING)
1068
00:59:03,275 --> 00:59:05,383
Why are you protecting the kid?
1069
00:59:05,407 --> 00:59:06,645
(LAUGHS)
1070
00:59:06,669 --> 00:59:08,995
I don't give a fuck about him...
1071
00:59:09,019 --> 00:59:11,413
and his Are You My Mother?
Complex!
1072
00:59:13,763 --> 00:59:15,025
What's this one do?
1073
00:59:16,375 --> 00:59:18,333
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1074
00:59:27,429 --> 00:59:29,190
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1075
00:59:29,214 --> 00:59:30,843
WADE: In every film,
there's a moment
1076
00:59:30,867 --> 00:59:33,281
when the hero hits rock bottom.
1077
00:59:33,305 --> 00:59:35,283
InCool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's
1078
00:59:35,307 --> 00:59:37,285
prized bobsled broke.
1079
00:59:37,309 --> 00:59:40,070
InHuman Centipede,
it was when those people...
1080
00:59:40,094 --> 00:59:41,680
signed on to be in that movie.
1081
00:59:41,704 --> 00:59:43,856
But in this film, well...
1082
00:59:43,880 --> 00:59:45,118
you're looking at it.
1083
00:59:45,142 --> 00:59:46,883
GUARD: On your fucking
knees, mutant.
1084
00:59:47,710 --> 00:59:49,146
(GROANING)
1085
00:59:49,799 --> 00:59:50,800
WADE: Rock...
1086
00:59:54,848 --> 00:59:56,328
meet bottom.
1087
01:00:01,420 --> 01:00:03,248
(INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING)
1088
01:00:07,034 --> 01:00:08,185
VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson.
1089
01:00:08,209 --> 01:00:09,384
Ness?
1090
01:00:10,429 --> 01:00:11,908
Hey, Ness!
1091
01:00:12,779 --> 01:00:14,626
Ness, can you let me in?
1092
01:00:14,650 --> 01:00:16,739
Please! Please.
1093
01:00:18,915 --> 01:00:20,066
Jesus.
1094
01:00:20,090 --> 01:00:21,091
(SIGHS)
1095
01:00:22,963 --> 01:00:24,723
You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.
1096
01:00:24,747 --> 01:00:26,595
I'm at the end of my rope.
1097
01:00:26,619 --> 01:00:28,055
(TIMER TICKING)
1098
01:00:29,056 --> 01:00:31,426
Then I joined the X-Men.
1099
01:00:31,450 --> 01:00:33,278
I went to prison. I, uh...
1100
01:00:37,369 --> 01:00:38,892
Is it the kid?
1101
01:00:40,937 --> 01:00:43,853
Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.
1102
01:00:45,290 --> 01:00:46,291
The kid!
(TIMER DINGS)
1103
01:00:49,772 --> 01:00:51,296
(GASPING)
1104
01:00:53,907 --> 01:00:55,474
(WHEEZING)
1105
01:00:59,913 --> 01:01:01,543
That's exactly what she meant.
1106
01:01:01,567 --> 01:01:02,979
Your heart needs to be
in the right place.
1107
01:01:03,003 --> 01:01:04,894
I'm not gonna abandon this kid.
1108
01:01:04,918 --> 01:01:07,549
He's never had anyone, ever.
1109
01:01:07,573 --> 01:01:08,941
I need to be selfless.
1110
01:01:08,965 --> 01:01:10,943
Yeah, but what does that mean?
1111
01:01:10,967 --> 01:01:14,251
It means I'm gonna save Russell.
1112
01:01:14,275 --> 01:01:15,818
Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa...
1113
01:01:15,842 --> 01:01:18,864
but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.
1114
01:01:18,888 --> 01:01:20,953
Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."
1115
01:01:20,977 --> 01:01:22,520
I literally don't know
what that means.
1116
01:01:22,544 --> 01:01:23,739
Jesus Christ.
1117
01:01:23,763 --> 01:01:26,524
Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay...
1118
01:01:26,548 --> 01:01:28,396
those muties
are being transferred
1119
01:01:28,420 --> 01:01:30,267
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
1120
01:01:30,291 --> 01:01:32,138
Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.
1121
01:01:32,162 --> 01:01:34,358
Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?
1122
01:01:34,382 --> 01:01:36,404
We're talking about
an armored convoy...
1123
01:01:36,428 --> 01:01:39,058
and a vicious super soldier
from the future...
1124
01:01:39,082 --> 01:01:41,452
that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.
1125
01:01:41,476 --> 01:01:42,975
You know what we need to do?
1126
01:01:42,999 --> 01:01:44,890
We need to build a fucking team.
1127
01:01:44,914 --> 01:01:47,023
We need 'em tough,
morally flexible...
1128
01:01:47,047 --> 01:01:48,459
and young enough
so they can carry
1129
01:01:48,483 --> 01:01:49,678
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
1130
01:01:49,702 --> 01:01:51,593
A team of
highly-skilled motherfuckers.
1131
01:01:51,617 --> 01:01:54,683
I'm talking about some
Ocean's 14shit. Rogue Two.
1132
01:01:54,707 --> 01:01:57,163
John Wick 3,but with
the original director.
1133
01:01:57,187 --> 01:01:59,122
DOPINDER: My body is an
instrument of death.
1134
01:01:59,146 --> 01:02:00,515
Not now, Dopinder.
1135
01:02:00,539 --> 01:02:02,038
I could be of great use.
1136
01:02:02,062 --> 01:02:03,629
What's your superpower?
1137
01:02:05,457 --> 01:02:07,130
Courage. That's adorable.
1138
01:02:07,154 --> 01:02:08,827
Do you have the courage
to check and see...
1139
01:02:08,851 --> 01:02:11,264
if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?
1140
01:02:11,288 --> 01:02:12,353
Yes, sir.
1141
01:02:12,377 --> 01:02:13,658
I'm sorry you had to see that,
1142
01:02:13,682 --> 01:02:16,052
although I'm glad you heard it.
1143
01:02:16,076 --> 01:02:18,010
All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.
1144
01:02:18,034 --> 01:02:20,317
But we're not paying
medical or dental.
1145
01:02:20,341 --> 01:02:22,387
It's time to get back
on Linkedln.
1146
01:02:32,222 --> 01:02:33,659
(EXHALES)
1147
01:02:43,495 --> 01:02:45,453
(CHILD SINGING)
1148
01:02:59,249 --> 01:03:00,923
GUARD: (ON PA)
Attention, all inmates!
1149
01:03:00,947 --> 01:03:03,404
Transport to Cross Force
Maximum Security
1150
01:03:03,428 --> 01:03:04,927
Mutant Containment Facility...
1151
01:03:04,951 --> 01:03:06,929
will begin at 0800 hours.
1152
01:03:06,953 --> 01:03:08,974
Inspection of your cells
and out processing
1153
01:03:08,998 --> 01:03:11,044
will begin at 0600.
1154
01:03:19,356 --> 01:03:20,464
BLACK TOM: Oi.
1155
01:03:20,488 --> 01:03:21,857
MUTANT: What the fuck
do you want?
1156
01:03:21,881 --> 01:03:23,728
That's my fucking pudding.
1157
01:03:23,752 --> 01:03:25,774
Fuck your pudding! You like pudding?
1158
01:03:25,798 --> 01:03:27,539
(GRUNTS)
(PRISONERS CLAMORING)
1159
01:03:28,365 --> 01:03:30,063
(ALARM BLARING)
1160
01:03:46,775 --> 01:03:47,776
Hello?
1161
01:03:50,083 --> 01:03:52,433
I know you're in there.
1162
01:04:08,101 --> 01:04:10,407
Must be hard
being the biggest guy in here.
1163
01:04:11,670 --> 01:04:13,996
Lonely at the top, eh?
1164
01:04:14,020 --> 01:04:15,978
They're moving us tomorrow.
1165
01:04:18,459 --> 01:04:20,243
Maybe I can get you out of here.
1166
01:04:21,462 --> 01:04:24,596
And we can make
the whole world our bitch.
1167
01:04:26,467 --> 01:04:28,208
We need a secret code.
1168
01:04:30,166 --> 01:04:31,404
(IMITATES BIRD CALL)
1169
01:04:31,428 --> 01:04:33,866
(SOFTLY) No,
that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
1170
01:04:36,042 --> 01:04:38,020
(RHYTHMIC BANGING)
1171
01:04:38,044 --> 01:04:39,915
(RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE)
1172
01:04:41,134 --> 01:04:42,677
We're a team.
1173
01:04:42,701 --> 01:04:44,679
We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.
1174
01:04:44,703 --> 01:04:48,378
I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.
1175
01:04:48,402 --> 01:04:49,510
WEASEL: Supposedly,
she can rap, too.
1176
01:04:49,534 --> 01:04:50,641
DEADPOOL: Yeah.
1177
01:04:50,665 --> 01:04:51,729
I like that.
1178
01:04:51,753 --> 01:04:53,426
Terrific,
these are all terrific.
1179
01:04:53,450 --> 01:04:55,211
Meet Bedlam.
1180
01:04:55,235 --> 01:04:57,518
Cool name! Superpowers?
1181
01:04:57,542 --> 01:04:59,084
I can distort electrical fields.
1182
01:04:59,108 --> 01:05:00,259
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
1183
01:05:00,283 --> 01:05:02,523
Including the one
inside your brain...
1184
01:05:02,547 --> 01:05:05,264
causing anxiety, confusion...
1185
01:05:05,288 --> 01:05:07,310
pain.
1186
01:05:07,334 --> 01:05:09,442
So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.
1187
01:05:09,466 --> 01:05:10,598
We can use him.
1188
01:05:12,382 --> 01:05:14,056
I'm Zeitgeist.
1189
01:05:14,080 --> 01:05:15,405
Cool. I like it.
1190
01:05:15,429 --> 01:05:16,711
So you have the power
1191
01:05:16,735 --> 01:05:19,085
to put your finger
on the pulse of society?
1192
01:05:20,129 --> 01:05:21,324
(STAMMERS) No.
1193
01:05:21,348 --> 01:05:22,934
No, I spit acidic vomit.
(SNIFFS)
1194
01:05:22,958 --> 01:05:24,109
Oh.Do you want me
1195
01:05:24,133 --> 01:05:25,546
to demonstrate?
DEADPOOL: No!
1196
01:05:25,570 --> 01:05:27,069
WEASEL: We'll take your word for it.
1197
01:05:27,093 --> 01:05:29,245
Thank you. Yeah. Listen,
we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?
1198
01:05:29,269 --> 01:05:31,880
And this is the Vanisher.
1199
01:05:35,231 --> 01:05:36,232
But...
1200
01:05:37,407 --> 01:05:38,907
Vanisher!
1201
01:05:38,931 --> 01:05:40,497
(LAUGHS)
1202
01:05:41,411 --> 01:05:43,065
Nice! Right?
1203
01:05:44,371 --> 01:05:45,522
He's not here, is he?
1204
01:05:45,546 --> 01:05:47,069
He may be running late.
1205
01:05:48,680 --> 01:05:51,528
My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.
1206
01:05:51,552 --> 01:05:52,790
BOTH: That's good, yeah.
1207
01:05:52,814 --> 01:05:54,966
"Rusty" is terrible.Toughie.
1208
01:05:54,990 --> 01:05:57,839
So, uh, where are you from?
The planet Mojo World.
1209
01:05:57,863 --> 01:05:59,928
So you're an alien, I guess. Bad name.
1210
01:05:59,952 --> 01:06:01,669
How does that, uh, help us?
1211
01:06:01,693 --> 01:06:04,628
I'm basically better
than you at everything.
1212
01:06:04,652 --> 01:06:06,369
Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people
1213
01:06:06,393 --> 01:06:07,979
that are worse than me
at everything.
1214
01:06:08,003 --> 01:06:10,242
A whole bunch
of functional idiots.
1215
01:06:10,266 --> 01:06:12,201
I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.
1216
01:06:12,225 --> 01:06:13,376
Isn't that Canada?
1217
01:06:13,400 --> 01:06:15,794
You shut your
goddamn trash mouth!
1218
01:06:16,969 --> 01:06:18,511
WEASEL: Meet... Domino.
1219
01:06:18,535 --> 01:06:20,601
DEADPOOL: What's your shtick?
I'm lucky.
1220
01:06:20,625 --> 01:06:22,037
That's not a superpower.
1221
01:06:22,061 --> 01:06:23,212
Yeah, it is. No, it isn't.
1222
01:06:23,236 --> 01:06:24,517
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
1223
01:06:24,541 --> 01:06:25,606
Yeah, it is. No, it isn't.
1224
01:06:25,630 --> 01:06:26,694
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
1225
01:06:26,718 --> 01:06:27,738
Yeah, it is. Really isn't.
1226
01:06:27,762 --> 01:06:29,000
No, it isn't.Yes, it is.
1227
01:06:29,024 --> 01:06:30,219
Told you.
1228
01:06:30,243 --> 01:06:31,612
Get out of my head!
1229
01:06:31,636 --> 01:06:33,265
I'm not in your head.
1230
01:06:33,289 --> 01:06:34,658
I'm in an
11-year-old's bedroom.
1231
01:06:34,682 --> 01:06:35,833
Well, if you're so lucky,
1232
01:06:35,857 --> 01:06:37,487
then what are you
doing here with us?
1233
01:06:37,511 --> 01:06:38,662
I don't know yet.
1234
01:06:38,686 --> 01:06:40,229
What's that supposed to mean?
1235
01:06:40,253 --> 01:06:41,534
There's a reason why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.
1236
01:06:41,558 --> 01:06:43,362
Everything usually
just kind of works out for me.
1237
01:06:43,386 --> 01:06:45,214
Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.
1238
01:06:46,520 --> 01:06:47,671
I don't know who that is.
1239
01:06:47,695 --> 01:06:49,194
DEADPOOL: You're hired.
1240
01:06:49,218 --> 01:06:50,282
Lucky me.
1241
01:06:50,306 --> 01:06:51,525
DEADPOOL: I like her!
1242
01:06:52,657 --> 01:06:53,982
And last, but not least...
1243
01:06:54,006 --> 01:06:55,137
Peter.
1244
01:06:56,530 --> 01:06:59,074
Am I getting
catfished here or...?
1245
01:06:59,098 --> 01:07:01,032
Any powers you wanna
tell us about?
1246
01:07:01,056 --> 01:07:02,686
PETER: No.
1247
01:07:02,710 --> 01:07:04,427
I don't have one.
1248
01:07:04,451 --> 01:07:05,776
Um, I just saw the ad.
1249
01:07:05,800 --> 01:07:07,604
No superpowers at all?
1250
01:07:07,628 --> 01:07:10,718
Uh, I have both
Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.
1251
01:07:11,240 --> 01:07:12,609
Ow! Oh!
1252
01:07:12,633 --> 01:07:13,784
That's all the diabetes.
1253
01:07:13,808 --> 01:07:15,133
Right?
Yeah, you got 'em all.
1254
01:07:15,157 --> 01:07:17,072
If you find a Type 3,
let us know.
1255
01:07:17,594 --> 01:07:18,659
Yeah.
1256
01:07:18,683 --> 01:07:19,790
You're in.
1257
01:07:19,814 --> 01:07:21,337
Yeah. Fuck!
1258
01:07:23,731 --> 01:07:25,124
It's fulfilling work.
1259
01:07:30,216 --> 01:07:31,521
GUARD: Let's go!
1260
01:07:45,144 --> 01:07:47,775
GUARD: This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.
1261
01:07:47,799 --> 01:07:49,148
We are en route.
1262
01:07:56,764 --> 01:07:59,114
CABLE: Peacetime
makes people soft.
1263
01:08:00,725 --> 01:08:02,509
I was born into war.
1264
01:08:04,032 --> 01:08:05,207
Bred into it.
1265
01:08:06,339 --> 01:08:08,143
Okay.
1266
01:08:08,167 --> 01:08:10,517
What's the most pain
you've ever felt?
1267
01:08:12,475 --> 01:08:13,757
These restraints are pretty...
1268
01:08:13,781 --> 01:08:15,672
People think
they understand pain.
1269
01:08:15,696 --> 01:08:17,152
They have no concept of it
1270
01:08:17,176 --> 01:08:19,134
beyond their own
worst experience.
1271
01:08:20,745 --> 01:08:23,941
5 years old. That's what?
1272
01:08:23,965 --> 01:08:25,551
A bee sting.
1273
01:08:25,575 --> 01:08:26,727
Oh, yeah.
1274
01:08:26,751 --> 01:08:29,294
20 years old, shrapnel.
1275
01:08:29,318 --> 01:08:32,036
40 years old, disease.
1276
01:08:32,060 --> 01:08:36,649
Maybe the kind that leaves you
more machine than man.
1277
01:08:36,673 --> 01:08:38,086
Yeah, getting old's
not for sissies.
1278
01:08:38,110 --> 01:08:39,783
That's what my
Grandma Ginny used to...
1279
01:08:39,807 --> 01:08:40,982
I've got a list.
1280
01:08:41,766 --> 01:08:43,724
We're gonna work down it.
1281
01:08:44,420 --> 01:08:45,421
Together.
1282
01:08:46,596 --> 01:08:49,662
Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.
1283
01:08:49,686 --> 01:08:52,013
Something that was not
meant to bend.
1284
01:08:52,037 --> 01:08:53,188
I'm gonna stop you right there
1285
01:08:53,212 --> 01:08:54,537
because I'm not gonna
make it to two.
1286
01:08:54,561 --> 01:08:55,886
I won't even make it to one.
1287
01:08:55,910 --> 01:08:57,670
I don't do well with pain,
you know.
1288
01:08:57,694 --> 01:09:00,064
If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.
1289
01:09:00,088 --> 01:09:02,501
I cried when they
canceled Felicity.
1290
01:09:02,525 --> 01:09:04,373
When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.
1291
01:09:04,397 --> 01:09:05,809
I have one right now.
1292
01:09:05,833 --> 01:09:07,419
Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.
1293
01:09:07,443 --> 01:09:08,594
I don't want you to hurt me,
1294
01:09:08,618 --> 01:09:10,795
and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.
1295
01:09:11,796 --> 01:09:13,948
Except for where they are.
1296
01:09:13,972 --> 01:09:15,253
Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound
1297
01:09:15,277 --> 01:09:16,689
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
1298
01:09:16,713 --> 01:09:18,039
The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.
1299
01:09:18,063 --> 01:09:19,562
DEADPOOL: You all know the plan.
1300
01:09:19,586 --> 01:09:21,346
Intercept the convoy,
1301
01:09:21,370 --> 01:09:23,392
grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!
1302
01:09:23,416 --> 01:09:24,785
WEASEL: You know what,
1303
01:09:24,809 --> 01:09:26,351
I wouldn't fuck with
Deadpool either.
1304
01:09:26,375 --> 01:09:28,527
Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
1305
01:09:28,551 --> 01:09:31,269
He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.
1306
01:09:31,293 --> 01:09:33,924
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
1307
01:09:33,948 --> 01:09:37,232
He's very short, 5'11".
Not like in the comics.
1308
01:09:37,256 --> 01:09:40,365
And if we succeed,
we all go home early.
1309
01:09:40,389 --> 01:09:42,469
WEASEL: So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you...
1310
01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:44,959
there's a wind advisory
in effect.
1311
01:09:49,442 --> 01:09:51,139
(WIND HOWLING)
1312
01:09:56,101 --> 01:09:57,741
PILOT: (ON PA)
A little turbulent up here.
1313
01:10:05,110 --> 01:10:06,914
I don't know much
about this Cable fella...
1314
01:10:06,938 --> 01:10:08,350
but I guarantee he hasn't killed
1315
01:10:08,374 --> 01:10:10,115
as many people as melanoma has.
1316
01:10:11,507 --> 01:10:12,920
We're getting close!
1317
01:10:12,944 --> 01:10:14,660
As a former X-Man...
1318
01:10:14,684 --> 01:10:16,619
Trainee. Thank you, Bedlam.
1319
01:10:16,643 --> 01:10:19,013
I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism
1320
01:10:19,037 --> 01:10:20,666
in the group's name.
1321
01:10:20,690 --> 01:10:22,755
X-Men! Men!
1322
01:10:22,779 --> 01:10:25,802
The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.
1323
01:10:25,826 --> 01:10:27,151
Gender neutral.
1324
01:10:27,175 --> 01:10:29,482
From now on,
we'll be known as...
1325
01:10:31,745 --> 01:10:33,114
X-Force.
1326
01:10:33,138 --> 01:10:34,942
Isn't that a little derivative?
1327
01:10:34,966 --> 01:10:37,359
I don't recall asking
your opinion, Peter!
1328
01:10:38,621 --> 01:10:40,058
That wasn't me.
1329
01:10:47,108 --> 01:10:49,478
Hang the laundry out
at 1,300 feet...
1330
01:10:49,502 --> 01:10:51,349
intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.
1331
01:10:51,373 --> 01:10:52,481
Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!
1332
01:10:52,505 --> 01:10:54,396
Get me on the ground,
watch me go!
1333
01:10:54,420 --> 01:10:55,571
ALL: Yeah!
1334
01:10:55,595 --> 01:10:57,312
(ALL WHOOPING) I can't wait to kill!
1335
01:10:57,336 --> 01:11:00,097
Hey! Hey! Hey!
1336
01:11:00,121 --> 01:11:02,839
I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.
1337
01:11:02,863 --> 01:11:05,755
You know, you guys look amazing!
1338
01:11:05,779 --> 01:11:08,671
Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.
1339
01:11:08,695 --> 01:11:09,846
This is the family
1340
01:11:09,870 --> 01:11:11,550
that I've always dreamed
of having and I...
1341
01:11:12,307 --> 01:11:13,415
Ah, shit.
1342
01:11:13,439 --> 01:11:14,982
(SNIFFLES)
1343
01:11:15,006 --> 01:11:16,722
I just get a little choked up
sometimes.
1344
01:11:16,746 --> 01:11:18,594
I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous
1345
01:11:18,618 --> 01:11:19,987
about the high winds?
1346
01:11:20,011 --> 01:11:21,379
Gary. My name's Peter.
1347
01:11:21,403 --> 01:11:23,338
I realize that you're
new to this, but relax.
1348
01:11:23,362 --> 01:11:25,035
You've been chosen
by a higher power.
1349
01:11:25,059 --> 01:11:27,385
Did he just call himself God?
I think he did.
1350
01:11:27,409 --> 01:11:28,996
I'd like to go home. And I'd like...
1351
01:11:29,020 --> 01:11:31,563
the McRib to be available
year round,
1352
01:11:31,587 --> 01:11:33,435
but sometimes dreams
don't come true.
1353
01:11:33,459 --> 01:11:35,654
I spent 10 years
in Special Forces.
1354
01:11:35,678 --> 01:11:36,829
You think we didn't
jump out of the plane
1355
01:11:36,853 --> 01:11:38,831
because of a light breeze?
1356
01:11:38,855 --> 01:11:41,138
You're in this shit now,
Mustache!
1357
01:11:41,162 --> 01:11:43,140
(WHISPERS) I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.
1358
01:11:43,164 --> 01:11:45,490
I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugarbear.
1359
01:11:45,514 --> 01:11:47,753
Leonard, hit it!
1360
01:11:47,777 --> 01:11:49,605
(ALARM BLARING)
(THUNDERSTRUCKPLAYING)
1361
01:11:56,438 --> 01:11:58,484
Go! Go! Go!
1362
01:12:01,530 --> 01:12:03,010
(MAN SINGING)
1363
01:12:34,172 --> 01:12:35,627
Let's get some!
1364
01:12:35,651 --> 01:12:36,846
Whoo!
1365
01:12:36,870 --> 01:12:38,065
Oh, yeah!
1366
01:12:38,089 --> 01:12:40,917
Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!
1367
01:12:41,962 --> 01:12:43,461
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
1368
01:12:43,485 --> 01:12:44,747
Whoa!
1369
01:12:50,014 --> 01:12:51,928
Little off course here.
1370
01:12:53,017 --> 01:12:54,081
(GROANS)
1371
01:12:54,105 --> 01:12:56,933
Holy mommy fucking shit!
1372
01:12:57,673 --> 01:12:59,129
Ah, there they are.
1373
01:12:59,153 --> 01:13:02,785
Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches. (BLOWS KISS)
1374
01:13:02,809 --> 01:13:04,724
Oh, yeah!
That's right, Bedlam!
1375
01:13:06,334 --> 01:13:07,920
(BEDLAM GRUNTS)
(ALL GASP)
1376
01:13:07,944 --> 01:13:09,792
(GASPING DRAMATICALLY)
1377
01:13:09,816 --> 01:13:14,101
No! Tripping
motherfucking billies!
1378
01:13:14,125 --> 01:13:17,215
Shatterstar.
Okay, you got this.
1379
01:13:17,998 --> 01:13:19,062
Left!
1380
01:13:19,086 --> 01:13:20,455
Left!
1381
01:13:20,479 --> 01:13:22,761
You'd have to be insane
to take off in this.
1382
01:13:22,785 --> 01:13:25,005
No, stage left, you idiot!
1383
01:13:25,745 --> 01:13:27,268
(GASPS)
1384
01:13:28,922 --> 01:13:30,465
Well, I guess we found something
1385
01:13:30,489 --> 01:13:31,577
you're not better at.
1386
01:13:33,796 --> 01:13:35,122
Vanisher.
1387
01:13:35,146 --> 01:13:36,930
Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.
1388
01:13:38,453 --> 01:13:40,040
(GRUNTING)
1389
01:13:40,064 --> 01:13:41,519
Oh! Really?
1390
01:13:41,543 --> 01:13:43,913
All right,
we could do this with four.
1391
01:13:43,937 --> 01:13:46,959
Sugarbear.
You got this, buddy!
1392
01:13:46,983 --> 01:13:49,073
That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!
1393
01:13:50,291 --> 01:13:52,400
Never underestimate
a man with a mustache!
1394
01:13:52,424 --> 01:13:54,010
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
1395
01:13:54,034 --> 01:13:55,229
(WHOOPS) We did it!
1396
01:13:55,253 --> 01:13:56,839
You're a goddamn superhero, you!
1397
01:13:56,863 --> 01:13:57,951
X-Force!
1398
01:13:58,560 --> 01:13:59,648
X-Force.
1399
01:14:01,868 --> 01:14:02,932
(SCREAMING)
1400
01:14:02,956 --> 01:14:04,020
(WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING)
1401
01:14:04,044 --> 01:14:05,915
(GASPS)Oh!
1402
01:14:06,916 --> 01:14:08,048
(EXHALES)
1403
01:14:09,615 --> 01:14:10,679
Peter.
1404
01:14:10,703 --> 01:14:12,028
PETER: I got you, buddy!
1405
01:14:12,052 --> 01:14:13,247
You're gonna be fine!
This is not good, man!
1406
01:14:13,271 --> 01:14:15,597
You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!
1407
01:14:15,621 --> 01:14:17,120
Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?
1408
01:14:17,144 --> 01:14:19,233
Yeah, we're X-Force. We're X-Force.
1409
01:14:23,281 --> 01:14:25,346
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
1410
01:14:25,370 --> 01:14:27,391
Fucking acidic vomit! (SCREAMS)
1411
01:14:27,415 --> 01:14:28,914
(WHIRRING)
1412
01:14:28,938 --> 01:14:31,743
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.
1413
01:14:31,767 --> 01:14:33,029
(EXHALES)
1414
01:14:34,814 --> 01:14:37,227
DOMINO: Okay,
I'm over the convoy.
1415
01:14:37,251 --> 01:14:39,708
Where did the rest
of the team land?
1416
01:14:39,732 --> 01:14:41,405
Good news and bad news.
1417
01:14:41,429 --> 01:14:44,582
Bad news is
the whole team is dead.
1418
01:14:44,606 --> 01:14:45,931
The good news is,
1419
01:14:45,955 --> 01:14:47,803
I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.
1420
01:14:47,827 --> 01:14:51,198
He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!
1421
01:14:51,222 --> 01:14:52,242
DOMINO: Peter!
1422
01:14:52,266 --> 01:14:53,765
Peter, I'm gonna miss him most.
1423
01:14:53,789 --> 01:14:54,940
But there is a slight chance
1424
01:14:54,964 --> 01:14:56,333
Vanisher could make it.
1425
01:14:56,357 --> 01:14:58,988
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Nope, no chance. He's dead.
1426
01:14:59,012 --> 01:15:00,207
DOMINO: The whole team?
1427
01:15:00,231 --> 01:15:02,122
Only the main ones.
We're still good.
1428
01:15:02,146 --> 01:15:03,427
Fuck, you are dumb.
1429
01:15:03,451 --> 01:15:05,125
Whoever planned this stunt's
1430
01:15:05,149 --> 01:15:07,344
been smoking a lot jazz cabbage.
1431
01:15:07,368 --> 01:15:08,519
I'll tell you that much.
1432
01:15:08,543 --> 01:15:10,217
That's pretty obvious!
1433
01:15:10,241 --> 01:15:11,981
Looking good, Vanisher.
1434
01:15:21,817 --> 01:15:23,689
They're headed into the tunnel.
1435
01:15:24,690 --> 01:15:26,189
I'm that kid's only hope,
1436
01:15:26,213 --> 01:15:28,084
so sit tight
and wait for my word.
1437
01:15:28,824 --> 01:15:30,150
DOMINO: Whatever.
1438
01:15:30,174 --> 01:15:31,716
We're gonna lose 'em.
I'm dropping in.
1439
01:15:31,740 --> 01:15:34,154
DEADPOOL: Uh, that's a
negative, sole survivor.
1440
01:15:34,178 --> 01:15:36,721
Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!
1441
01:15:36,745 --> 01:15:39,855
No, we most certainly
are not fucked.
1442
01:15:39,879 --> 01:15:41,439
(CARS HORNS HONKING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1443
01:15:42,925 --> 01:15:45,600
DEADPOOL: Seriously,
I don't get it!
1444
01:15:45,624 --> 01:15:48,104
What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?
1445
01:15:50,281 --> 01:15:52,128
It's just it's hard to picture.
1446
01:15:52,152 --> 01:15:54,241
And certainly
not very cinematic.
1447
01:15:56,939 --> 01:15:58,569
I mean, luck?
1448
01:15:58,593 --> 01:16:01,181
What coked out,
glass pipe-sucking
1449
01:16:01,205 --> 01:16:02,573
freakshow comic book artist...
1450
01:16:02,597 --> 01:16:04,271
came up
with that little chestnut?
1451
01:16:04,295 --> 01:16:06,558
Probably a guy
who can't draw feet!
1452
01:16:17,656 --> 01:16:20,983
Once again, it all falls
on my shoulders.
1453
01:16:21,007 --> 01:16:22,245
It's why I'm cursed to be
a solo act.
1454
01:16:22,269 --> 01:16:23,290
Wander the Earth... I'm in.
1455
01:16:23,314 --> 01:16:24,856
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1456
01:16:24,880 --> 01:16:26,031
I'm in.
1457
01:16:26,055 --> 01:16:27,927
How in the fuck
are you in already?
1458
01:16:28,362 --> 01:16:30,210
Oh, shit.
1459
01:16:30,234 --> 01:16:31,472
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
1460
01:16:31,496 --> 01:16:32,647
DEADPOOL: Okay.
1461
01:16:32,671 --> 01:16:35,127
New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers
1462
01:16:35,151 --> 01:16:37,913
to stop Cable
from killing that kid.
1463
01:16:37,937 --> 01:16:39,547
I'm coming up on your six.
1464
01:16:47,816 --> 01:16:49,881
That gun is amazing!
1465
01:16:49,905 --> 01:16:51,994
(GRUNTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1466
01:16:59,001 --> 01:17:01,066
MAN: Hey!
Asshole!
1467
01:17:01,090 --> 01:17:02,720
DOMINO: Where is he?
I can't see him.
1468
01:17:02,744 --> 01:17:04,505
DEADPOOL: He's on top of you.
1469
01:17:04,529 --> 01:17:06,420
He's tearing you open!
1470
01:17:06,444 --> 01:17:08,378
He's going in through the back!
1471
01:17:08,402 --> 01:17:09,553
Oh, God, he's inside!
1472
01:17:09,577 --> 01:17:10,902
You hear yourself, right?
1473
01:17:10,926 --> 01:17:12,382
DEADPOOL: Accidental double entendres!
1474
01:17:12,406 --> 01:17:14,950
Russell! Russell Collins!
1475
01:17:14,974 --> 01:17:16,889
DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid,
John Connor!
1476
01:17:21,894 --> 01:17:22,895
No, no, no!
1477
01:17:27,247 --> 01:17:28,335
Shit!
1478
01:17:29,075 --> 01:17:30,076
(PRISONER SCREAMING)
1479
01:17:31,991 --> 01:17:32,992
(GRUNTS)
1480
01:17:40,826 --> 01:17:41,827
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1481
01:17:50,314 --> 01:17:52,228
DEADPOOL: Two can
play that game!
1482
01:17:54,361 --> 01:17:56,189
Got it! No, I don't.
1483
01:17:57,190 --> 01:17:58,254
Showtime, mama!
1484
01:17:58,278 --> 01:17:59,888
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
1485
01:18:08,201 --> 01:18:09,333
(GUN CLICKS)
1486
01:18:15,904 --> 01:18:16,905
(GROANS)
1487
01:18:33,400 --> 01:18:34,400
(HORNS HONKING)
1488
01:18:35,228 --> 01:18:36,229
(DOMINO GRUNTING)
1489
01:18:37,709 --> 01:18:39,513
I'd ask who you are, but
you'll be dead in a second.
1490
01:18:39,537 --> 01:18:41,645
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
1491
01:18:41,669 --> 01:18:43,149
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1492
01:18:58,207 --> 01:18:59,208
Hang in there, Doms!
1493
01:19:00,514 --> 01:19:02,231
Oh, this is really hard.
1494
01:19:02,255 --> 01:19:03,430
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1495
01:19:13,353 --> 01:19:14,461
(GUNSHOT)
1496
01:19:14,485 --> 01:19:15,885
And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.
1497
01:19:19,403 --> 01:19:20,926
You're doing great.XForce.
1498
01:19:22,884 --> 01:19:24,949
I guess dubstep never dies.
1499
01:19:24,973 --> 01:19:26,540
(BANGARANG PLAYING)
1500
01:19:29,195 --> 01:19:30,239
Whoo!
1501
01:19:31,458 --> 01:19:32,590
(LAUGHING)
1502
01:19:34,505 --> 01:19:35,830
(BLACK TOM GROANS)
1503
01:19:35,854 --> 01:19:37,222
(DEADPOOL GASPS)
1504
01:19:37,246 --> 01:19:39,901
You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch!
1505
01:19:40,902 --> 01:19:41,947
(GROWLS)
1506
01:19:42,687 --> 01:19:43,818
That's unfortunate.
1507
01:19:46,952 --> 01:19:48,364
We got no brakes!
1508
01:19:48,388 --> 01:19:49,607
(STRAINING)
Figure it out!
1509
01:19:50,521 --> 01:19:51,783
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1510
01:19:54,002 --> 01:19:55,526
There's nothing I can't kill.
1511
01:19:58,354 --> 01:20:00,898
Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin
used to say...
1512
01:20:00,922 --> 01:20:03,272
"There's a first time
for everything, son."
1513
01:20:04,970 --> 01:20:06,537
Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.
1514
01:20:19,027 --> 01:20:21,397
(PANTING)
1515
01:20:21,421 --> 01:20:23,336
Those bullets were, like,
super fast.
1516
01:20:23,902 --> 01:20:24,903
Here we go.
1517
01:20:25,991 --> 01:20:28,273
Domino, mind slowing us down?
1518
01:20:28,297 --> 01:20:30,450
(SIGHS) Here goes nothing.
1519
01:20:30,474 --> 01:20:31,736
(HORN HONKING)
1520
01:20:33,607 --> 01:20:35,087
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1521
01:20:38,438 --> 01:20:39,918
(HONKING)
1522
01:21:01,592 --> 01:21:03,332
MAN: Knock, knock.
1523
01:21:09,861 --> 01:21:10,925
That's my boy.
1524
01:21:10,949 --> 01:21:12,254
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1525
01:21:17,303 --> 01:21:18,541
Holy...
1526
01:21:18,565 --> 01:21:19,566
(GRUNTS)
1527
01:21:23,396 --> 01:21:24,789
(ONLY TIME PLAYING)
1528
01:21:27,182 --> 01:21:28,725
(YELLING)
1529
01:21:28,749 --> 01:21:30,422
DEADPOOL: I'll be first to admit...
1530
01:21:30,446 --> 01:21:32,797
this did not go
according to plan.
1531
01:21:34,146 --> 01:21:35,732
I'll also be the first
to admit that
1532
01:21:35,756 --> 01:21:37,647
that plan was written in crayon.
1533
01:21:37,671 --> 01:21:40,955
Looks like Russell found
a new friend. Jelly.
1534
01:21:40,979 --> 01:21:42,609
Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,
1535
01:21:42,633 --> 01:21:45,568
and maybe,
possibly mildly lucky.
1536
01:21:45,592 --> 01:21:48,876
But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.
1537
01:21:48,900 --> 01:21:50,138
(CHUCKLES) A mood that is
1538
01:21:50,162 --> 01:21:51,946
about to get
significantly worse.
1539
01:21:53,600 --> 01:21:54,601
(SQUEAKS)
1540
01:21:58,300 --> 01:21:59,432
(SIGHS)
1541
01:22:11,923 --> 01:22:13,751
(GROANS)
1542
01:22:15,709 --> 01:22:18,146
Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.
1543
01:22:21,106 --> 01:22:22,586
Oh.(NECK SNAPS)
1544
01:22:23,021 --> 01:22:24,346
(GROANS)
1545
01:22:24,370 --> 01:22:26,043
Oh, God, that hurt.
1546
01:22:26,067 --> 01:22:27,678
Suck it, Mel Gibson.
1547
01:22:28,243 --> 01:22:29,593
(GROANING)
1548
01:22:31,246 --> 01:22:32,334
Russell.
1549
01:22:35,033 --> 01:22:36,121
Russell!
1550
01:22:36,730 --> 01:22:38,819
Russ, where are ya?
1551
01:22:42,475 --> 01:22:44,671
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
1552
01:22:44,695 --> 01:22:48,152
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God!
1553
01:22:48,176 --> 01:22:49,545
Juggernaut!
1554
01:22:49,569 --> 01:22:50,677
(GASPS)
1555
01:22:50,701 --> 01:22:52,766
I thought that was you!
1556
01:22:52,790 --> 01:22:55,638
I should've worn my white pants.
1557
01:22:55,662 --> 01:22:59,511
You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.
1558
01:22:59,535 --> 01:23:02,863
Uncanny X-Men183. Thor411.
1559
01:23:02,887 --> 01:23:04,255
X-Men Unlimited12.
1560
01:23:04,279 --> 01:23:06,431
You know, it has always been
a dream of mine...
1561
01:23:06,455 --> 01:23:08,259
to see my face
reflected in your helmet...
1562
01:23:08,283 --> 01:23:10,522
as you charge at me
with murderous intent.
1563
01:23:10,546 --> 01:23:12,350
I don't mean right now.
1564
01:23:12,374 --> 01:23:14,309
I'm gonna rip you in half now.
1565
01:23:14,333 --> 01:23:16,703
(LAUGHS) That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.
1566
01:23:16,727 --> 01:23:18,076
(DEADPOOL SCREAMING)
1567
01:23:20,731 --> 01:23:24,798
Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.
1568
01:23:24,822 --> 01:23:25,910
I can't feel...
1569
01:23:26,867 --> 01:23:28,390
Oh, no, they're right here.
1570
01:23:29,217 --> 01:23:31,021
Got 'em.
God, Russell.
1571
01:23:31,045 --> 01:23:33,415
I have a mission.
1572
01:23:33,439 --> 01:23:35,025
To get my revenge.
1573
01:23:35,049 --> 01:23:37,375
I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.
1574
01:23:37,399 --> 01:23:39,639
You're not the revenge type.
1575
01:23:39,663 --> 01:23:41,205
Take it from a friend.
1576
01:23:41,229 --> 01:23:45,079
Friend? You were sick,
and I protected you.
1577
01:23:45,103 --> 01:23:47,298
You said it yourself.
1578
01:23:47,322 --> 01:23:50,040
"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."
1579
01:23:50,064 --> 01:23:51,520
So I did.
1580
01:23:51,544 --> 01:23:53,000
(GRUNTS)
1581
01:23:53,024 --> 01:23:55,219
Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.
1582
01:23:55,243 --> 01:23:59,267
But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?
1583
01:23:59,291 --> 01:24:01,182
"I care about you"?
'Cause goddamn it,
1584
01:24:01,206 --> 01:24:03,663
I care about you, Russell.
1585
01:24:03,687 --> 01:24:05,795
What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?
1586
01:24:05,819 --> 01:24:09,538
Don't you say legs!
I know you're gonna say legs!
1587
01:24:09,562 --> 01:24:12,347
Legs! Still hurts to hear out loud!
1588
01:24:14,523 --> 01:24:17,502
What is that?
That's not a real rope!
1589
01:24:17,526 --> 01:24:19,833
You get back here, young man!
(SIRENS WAILING)
1590
01:24:20,791 --> 01:24:22,290
Doms!
1591
01:24:22,314 --> 01:24:24,553
Doms, get me
out of here, please.
1592
01:24:24,577 --> 01:24:26,971
Use my arms as backpack straps.
1593
01:24:29,713 --> 01:24:30,820
I think we may have found
1594
01:24:30,844 --> 01:24:33,040
your cosmic reason
for being here.
1595
01:24:33,064 --> 01:24:34,868
I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
1596
01:24:34,892 --> 01:24:36,154
DEADPOOL: X-Force.
1597
01:24:49,689 --> 01:24:51,536
BLIND AL: No child is hopeless.
1598
01:24:51,560 --> 01:24:55,062
Don't give up on the boy.
How could he just walk away?
1599
01:24:55,086 --> 01:24:57,804
It was the coldness in his eyes.
1600
01:24:57,828 --> 01:24:59,394
You should've heard it.
1601
01:25:00,178 --> 01:25:01,285
(WADE SIGHS)
1602
01:25:01,309 --> 01:25:03,616
I guess family
really is an F-word.
1603
01:25:04,530 --> 01:25:06,769
(GROANS) Rub my legs, Mama.
1604
01:25:06,793 --> 01:25:08,205
Why would I rub your legs?
1605
01:25:08,229 --> 01:25:11,165
Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.
1606
01:25:11,189 --> 01:25:12,538
(BLIND AL SIGHS)
1607
01:25:14,279 --> 01:25:15,952
What in the...
1608
01:25:15,976 --> 01:25:18,738
Why is your hand so tiny again?
1609
01:25:18,762 --> 01:25:20,609
That's not my hand.
1610
01:25:20,633 --> 01:25:23,003
Oh! Mary,
mother of Joseph!
1611
01:25:23,027 --> 01:25:24,961
That was nice for me. (DOOR OPENS)
1612
01:25:24,985 --> 01:25:27,834
Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...
1613
01:25:27,858 --> 01:25:28,859
(GASPS)
1614
01:25:30,512 --> 01:25:32,229
(WEASEL RETCHES)
1615
01:25:32,253 --> 01:25:34,579
Why wouldn't you cover that up?
1616
01:25:34,603 --> 01:25:36,843
A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.
1617
01:25:36,867 --> 01:25:38,845
WEASEL: Yeah, but you do.
Look at you.
1618
01:25:38,869 --> 01:25:40,890
You're just
straight shirt-cocking it,
1619
01:25:40,914 --> 01:25:42,413
toddler-style.
1620
01:25:42,437 --> 01:25:44,415
Oh, yeah.
Full Winnie the Pooh.
1621
01:25:44,439 --> 01:25:46,461
The hell's happening?
Describe it.
1622
01:25:46,485 --> 01:25:47,767
I wouldn't ask him to do that,
if I were you.
1623
01:25:47,791 --> 01:25:49,420
WEASEL: It's like, um...
Here we go.
1624
01:25:49,444 --> 01:25:50,726
It's like he was
giving birth anally,
1625
01:25:50,750 --> 01:25:52,293
but they quit halfway through.
1626
01:25:52,317 --> 01:25:53,468
They got the legs out,
and they said,
1627
01:25:53,492 --> 01:25:54,861
"You know what, I'm done."
1628
01:25:54,885 --> 01:25:56,166
Happy?
1629
01:25:56,190 --> 01:25:57,298
It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.
1630
01:25:57,322 --> 01:25:58,516
But this time, you can see
1631
01:25:58,540 --> 01:25:59,996
the Muppet's dick. (DOOR OPENS)
1632
01:26:00,020 --> 01:26:01,563
Grover's got a cock
the size of a twig.
1633
01:26:01,587 --> 01:26:02,782
DOPINDER: Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.
1634
01:26:02,806 --> 01:26:04,406
I've had three tickets
already. (SCREAMS)
1635
01:26:05,896 --> 01:26:08,700
No, no, no, DP, not again!
1636
01:26:08,724 --> 01:26:11,355
This has happened before?
(DOPINDER RETCHING)
1637
01:26:11,379 --> 01:26:12,879
(DOOR OPENS) Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
1638
01:26:12,903 --> 01:26:14,228
The indecision is killing me.
1639
01:26:14,252 --> 01:26:16,123
Why couldn't God
take my hearing?
1640
01:26:17,733 --> 01:26:19,929
Oh. Wow!
1641
01:26:19,953 --> 01:26:21,670
Cool your pits.
They're growing back.
1642
01:26:21,694 --> 01:26:23,672
I'm talking about your face.
1643
01:26:23,696 --> 01:26:25,630
I've never seen you
without your mask before.
1644
01:26:25,654 --> 01:26:27,894
Jesus Christ! Looks like an avocado.
1645
01:26:27,918 --> 01:26:29,852
DOMINO: Your legs, though,
they're cute.
1646
01:26:29,876 --> 01:26:31,660
You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?
1647
01:26:33,227 --> 01:26:34,857
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
1648
01:26:34,881 --> 01:26:37,599
You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.
1649
01:26:37,623 --> 01:26:39,253
I'll tell you why I'm here.
1650
01:26:39,277 --> 01:26:41,646
"The Time Traveler's Wife's"
husband...
1651
01:26:41,670 --> 01:26:42,909
beat me within
an inch of my life.
1652
01:26:42,933 --> 01:26:44,301
He was torturing me!
1653
01:26:44,325 --> 01:26:47,217
But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.
1654
01:26:47,241 --> 01:26:49,916
So, I'm here to help us gear up.
1655
01:26:49,940 --> 01:26:51,091
So we can go after him
without me.
1656
01:26:51,115 --> 01:26:52,527
WADE: No!
1657
01:26:52,551 --> 01:26:53,920
I'm doing this alone.
1658
01:26:53,944 --> 01:26:55,095
The Juggernaut
1659
01:26:55,119 --> 01:26:56,574
will kill you all. Fair enough.
1660
01:26:56,598 --> 01:26:58,489
WADE: I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs
1661
01:26:58,513 --> 01:26:59,664
under me. What will you do?
1662
01:26:59,688 --> 01:27:01,014
WADE: I don't care
what the kid did to me.
1663
01:27:01,038 --> 01:27:02,406
I ain't letting Cable
get to him,
1664
01:27:02,430 --> 01:27:03,799
even if I have to
teabag him to death.
1665
01:27:03,823 --> 01:27:05,888
It's really just a sip of tea
at this point.
1666
01:27:05,912 --> 01:27:07,716
Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.
1667
01:27:07,740 --> 01:27:08,804
The first order of business is
1668
01:27:08,828 --> 01:27:10,240
to get me in front of Cable...
1669
01:27:10,264 --> 01:27:11,676
so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body...
1670
01:27:11,700 --> 01:27:14,070
and fashion his bones
into holiday jewelry.
1671
01:27:14,094 --> 01:27:15,942
Then, I'm gonna take his skin...
1672
01:27:15,966 --> 01:27:19,012
and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.
1673
01:27:20,622 --> 01:27:22,222
He's standing right
behind you, isn't he?
1674
01:27:25,627 --> 01:27:26,628
(COCKS GUN)
1675
01:27:30,894 --> 01:27:32,915
What in the ass?
1676
01:27:32,939 --> 01:27:36,266
Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?
1677
01:27:36,290 --> 01:27:39,356
You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.
1678
01:27:39,380 --> 01:27:41,905
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
1679
01:27:44,168 --> 01:27:46,973
No. It's his
"Basic Instinct."
1680
01:27:46,997 --> 01:27:48,757
What can we help you with?
1681
01:27:48,781 --> 01:27:50,435
I'm here to proposition you.
1682
01:27:51,958 --> 01:27:53,066
(LAUGHS) Oh, boy!
1683
01:27:53,090 --> 01:27:54,154
He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?
1684
01:27:54,178 --> 01:27:56,330
Who gets to make the first joke?
1685
01:27:56,354 --> 01:27:57,722
I think we should all do it
at the same time.
1686
01:27:57,746 --> 01:27:58,810
Good call.
1687
01:27:58,834 --> 01:28:00,421
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
1688
01:28:00,445 --> 01:28:01,683
BOTH: I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.
1689
01:28:01,707 --> 01:28:02,858
Fuck!
1690
01:28:02,882 --> 01:28:03,990
The Proposition has a wonderful
1691
01:28:04,014 --> 01:28:05,339
Guy Pearce performance.
1692
01:28:05,363 --> 01:28:07,123
WADE: Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.
1693
01:28:07,147 --> 01:28:09,778
Give us the line again. I need your help!
1694
01:28:09,802 --> 01:28:12,128
Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are...
1695
01:28:12,152 --> 01:28:15,305
but you unleashed
the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
1696
01:28:15,329 --> 01:28:17,742
I can't bring him down alone.
1697
01:28:17,766 --> 01:28:19,290
So here we are.
1698
01:28:20,639 --> 01:28:22,443
We're no longer
accepting applications
1699
01:28:22,467 --> 01:28:23,923
for X-Force, unfortunately.
1700
01:28:23,947 --> 01:28:25,402
Even if we were...
1701
01:28:25,426 --> 01:28:27,100
there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least...
1702
01:28:27,124 --> 01:28:28,405
We don't have a lot of time.
1703
01:28:28,429 --> 01:28:30,190
Your friend's about
to make his first kill.
1704
01:28:30,214 --> 01:28:31,756
No offense,
but if you know so much...
1705
01:28:31,780 --> 01:28:34,672
why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?
1706
01:28:34,696 --> 01:28:35,760
Or better yet, head back
a little further,
1707
01:28:35,784 --> 01:28:36,892
kill baby Hitler.
1708
01:28:36,916 --> 01:28:38,894
I use a device
to slide through time.
1709
01:28:38,918 --> 01:28:41,592
The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.
1710
01:28:41,616 --> 01:28:44,247
I got two charges...
One to get me here,
1711
01:28:44,271 --> 01:28:45,466
one to get me home.
1712
01:28:45,490 --> 01:28:46,684
Well.
1713
01:28:46,708 --> 01:28:48,643
That's just lazy writing.
1714
01:28:48,667 --> 01:28:49,949
Your boy's
gonna kill the headmaster
1715
01:28:49,973 --> 01:28:51,559
of the orphanage tonight.
1716
01:28:51,583 --> 01:28:53,735
After that,
he gets a real taste for it.
1717
01:28:53,759 --> 01:28:56,520
Like 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
1718
01:28:56,544 --> 01:28:58,566
So he keeps killing...
1719
01:28:58,590 --> 01:29:00,089
and killing, and killing,
1720
01:29:00,113 --> 01:29:01,656
and killing. (GUNS COCKING)
1721
01:29:01,680 --> 01:29:04,900
Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.
1722
01:29:07,468 --> 01:29:08,861
My people.
1723
01:29:12,778 --> 01:29:14,060
Relax.
1724
01:29:14,084 --> 01:29:16,497
I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.
1725
01:29:16,521 --> 01:29:19,108
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
1726
01:29:19,132 --> 01:29:21,763
and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch!
1727
01:29:21,787 --> 01:29:23,441
The difference is night and day.
1728
01:29:25,269 --> 01:29:27,551
You remind me of my wife.
1729
01:29:27,575 --> 01:29:29,075
I'm sorry.
1730
01:29:29,099 --> 01:29:30,206
I said, "You remind me
of my wife."
1731
01:29:30,230 --> 01:29:31,599
No, I'm sorry
that you said that...
1732
01:29:31,623 --> 01:29:34,428
while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.
1733
01:29:34,452 --> 01:29:35,627
CABLE: She always struggled.
1734
01:29:36,758 --> 01:29:38,214
But she was funny...
1735
01:29:38,238 --> 01:29:41,609
and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.
1736
01:29:41,633 --> 01:29:43,852
Something I could never master.
1737
01:29:44,766 --> 01:29:46,986
It was my fault she died.
1738
01:29:48,596 --> 01:29:52,272
It was my job
to stop people like him.
1739
01:29:52,296 --> 01:29:54,254
I came close a few times.
(TOMORROW PLAYING)
1740
01:29:58,476 --> 01:30:00,130
He wasn't too happy about that.
1741
01:30:01,870 --> 01:30:03,065
He was trying to hurt me...
1742
01:30:03,089 --> 01:30:05,048
and he knew exactly
how to do it.
1743
01:30:09,095 --> 01:30:10,812
OLDER RUSSELL: Blessed are the wicked
1744
01:30:10,836 --> 01:30:12,403
who are healed by my hand.
1745
01:30:15,536 --> 01:30:17,906
CABLE: He came into my home...
1746
01:30:17,930 --> 01:30:20,802
and took the only thing
that made it a home.
1747
01:30:25,024 --> 01:30:26,373
Sound familiar?
1748
01:30:27,418 --> 01:30:29,091
I'm sorry.Uh-huh.
1749
01:30:29,115 --> 01:30:30,769
No, I'm really sorry.
1750
01:30:32,988 --> 01:30:35,141
But that isn't Russell.
1751
01:30:35,165 --> 01:30:37,099
It doesn't have to be him.
If you knew what I knew...
1752
01:30:37,123 --> 01:30:39,145
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
1753
01:30:39,169 --> 01:30:40,755
maybe a small
learning disability...
1754
01:30:40,779 --> 01:30:42,191
splash of diabetes...
1755
01:30:42,215 --> 01:30:43,584
but nothing that can't be fixed.
1756
01:30:43,608 --> 01:30:45,281
If you could go back...
1757
01:30:45,305 --> 01:30:48,003
and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?
1758
01:30:48,265 --> 01:30:49,546
No.
1759
01:30:49,570 --> 01:30:51,331
I'd buy them all
a bouquet of hand jobs.
1760
01:30:51,355 --> 01:30:53,096
Of course I fucking would!
1761
01:30:53,879 --> 01:30:55,030
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
1762
01:30:55,054 --> 01:30:57,119
I'm not asking you
to kill a kid!
1763
01:30:57,143 --> 01:30:58,729
I'll kill the kid.
1764
01:30:58,753 --> 01:31:02,255
I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.
1765
01:31:02,279 --> 01:31:04,648
Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.
1766
01:31:04,672 --> 01:31:06,737
And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend...
1767
01:31:06,761 --> 01:31:09,024
would want you to do
the right thing, wouldn't she?
1768
01:31:10,025 --> 01:31:13,222
So, what's it gonna be,
handsome?
1769
01:31:13,246 --> 01:31:15,006
Give me a chance to save him.
1770
01:31:15,030 --> 01:31:16,486
What? You said...
1771
01:31:16,510 --> 01:31:18,184
once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.
1772
01:31:18,208 --> 01:31:20,577
If we can get to him
before that happens...
1773
01:31:20,601 --> 01:31:22,275
promise you'll give me a chance
1774
01:31:22,299 --> 01:31:24,190
to put him on a different path.
1775
01:31:24,214 --> 01:31:25,408
Define "chance."
1776
01:31:25,432 --> 01:31:26,670
I don't know.
How long does it take
1777
01:31:26,694 --> 01:31:28,063
to save someone's soul?
That's not...
1778
01:31:28,087 --> 01:31:29,369
I'll give you 30 seconds.
1779
01:31:29,393 --> 01:31:31,458
What? No! Best I can do.
1780
01:31:31,482 --> 01:31:32,787
Take it or leave it.
1781
01:31:43,233 --> 01:31:44,732
(CABLE GROANS)
WEASEL: He's doing it!
1782
01:31:44,756 --> 01:31:46,386
Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.
1783
01:31:46,410 --> 01:31:48,388
(RETCHES) There he goes.
1784
01:31:48,412 --> 01:31:49,911
CABLE: Jesus Christ!
1785
01:31:49,935 --> 01:31:51,434
WEASEL: Just shirt-cocking it.
1786
01:31:51,458 --> 01:31:53,393
Ugh.
1787
01:31:53,417 --> 01:31:54,777
WEASEL: There you
go, little fella.
1788
01:31:55,506 --> 01:31:57,223
Go on, you're doing it!
1789
01:31:57,247 --> 01:32:00,119
My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.
1790
01:32:02,295 --> 01:32:03,446
DOMINO: Christ!
1791
01:32:03,470 --> 01:32:05,187
That's disturbing.
1792
01:32:05,211 --> 01:32:06,604
30 seconds.
1793
01:32:12,000 --> 01:32:13,480
Deal.Deal.
1794
01:32:16,483 --> 01:32:18,268
(FARTING )
1795
01:32:19,921 --> 01:32:23,031
Man, that sucks they didn't
have anything in your size.
1796
01:32:23,055 --> 01:32:25,076
I really wanted to match,
you know?
1797
01:32:25,100 --> 01:32:27,166
Being a menacing team. (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
1798
01:32:27,190 --> 01:32:28,384
Oh, man, it sucks.
1799
01:32:28,408 --> 01:32:30,280
That was some
cold-ass shit, kid.
1800
01:32:31,672 --> 01:32:34,260
DEADPOOL: And that is just
the first five steps
1801
01:32:34,284 --> 01:32:35,981
to a prostate-assisted orgasm.
1802
01:32:36,895 --> 01:32:38,351
Where the hell are we going?
1803
01:32:38,375 --> 01:32:39,743
DEADPOOL: You said it yourself.
1804
01:32:39,767 --> 01:32:42,703
Nothing can stop the
Juggernaut. We need backup.
1805
01:32:42,727 --> 01:32:45,706
I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.
1806
01:32:45,730 --> 01:32:47,862
(BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO)
1807
01:32:49,821 --> 01:32:51,431
Can you turn off the music?
1808
01:32:52,432 --> 01:32:54,584
You'll do no such thing.
1809
01:32:54,608 --> 01:32:56,499
Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?
1810
01:32:56,523 --> 01:32:58,284
I'm sorry? Apology accepted.
1811
01:32:58,308 --> 01:33:00,416
This is a side of you
I do not like.
1812
01:33:00,440 --> 01:33:01,809
Let me guess,
1813
01:33:01,833 --> 01:33:03,332
some of your best friends
in the future are Indian.
1814
01:33:03,356 --> 01:33:04,638
What the hell are you...?
1815
01:33:04,662 --> 01:33:06,553
Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.
1816
01:33:06,577 --> 01:33:07,902
I am so sorry.
It gets better.
1817
01:33:07,926 --> 01:33:09,512
I'm not a fucking racist, moron!
1818
01:33:09,536 --> 01:33:11,601
That's precisely
what a racist would say.
1819
01:33:11,625 --> 01:33:13,299
I'm with the old white guy
on this one.
1820
01:33:13,323 --> 01:33:14,604
And that's a twist.
1821
01:33:14,628 --> 01:33:16,171
When this is over...
1822
01:33:16,195 --> 01:33:18,086
I'm going to fuck you to death
with your own broken feet.
1823
01:33:18,110 --> 01:33:20,306
And a sexual predator, too.
That's rich.
1824
01:33:20,330 --> 01:33:21,742
I should have finished college.
1825
01:33:21,766 --> 01:33:22,917
DEADPOOL: So what exactly do you
1826
01:33:22,941 --> 01:33:24,005
do in the future, anyway, huh?
1827
01:33:24,029 --> 01:33:25,311
Some kind of soldier?
1828
01:33:25,335 --> 01:33:27,182
Yeah, something like that.
1829
01:33:27,206 --> 01:33:29,402
DEADPOOL: I was a soldier.
Special Forces.
1830
01:33:29,426 --> 01:33:32,143
I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.
1831
01:33:32,167 --> 01:33:34,189
50 years from now,
you're very dead.
1832
01:33:34,213 --> 01:33:36,626
Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.
1833
01:33:36,650 --> 01:33:38,280
Boom! (IMITATES EXPLOSION)
1834
01:33:38,304 --> 01:33:39,586
Spoiler alert.
1835
01:33:39,610 --> 01:33:40,761
(SNICKERS)
1836
01:33:40,785 --> 01:33:42,153
(SIGHS) Planets.
1837
01:33:42,177 --> 01:33:43,764
Next time, Uber.
1838
01:33:43,788 --> 01:33:45,093
Here's a spoiler alert.
1839
01:33:46,269 --> 01:33:48,247
You're not a fucking hero.
1840
01:33:48,271 --> 01:33:52,338
You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.
1841
01:33:52,362 --> 01:33:53,556
DEADPOOL: Well, I got news for you.
1842
01:33:53,580 --> 01:33:54,949
My heart is in the right place.
1843
01:33:54,973 --> 01:33:56,516
Russell's not gonna kill anyone.
1844
01:33:56,540 --> 01:33:58,518
Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.
1845
01:33:58,542 --> 01:33:59,649
We're all going to die.
1846
01:33:59,673 --> 01:34:00,955
Because of you, I'll always know
1847
01:34:00,979 --> 01:34:02,957
what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.
1848
01:34:02,981 --> 01:34:05,394
I'm a grower, not a shower.
1849
01:34:05,418 --> 01:34:06,613
God, I wish this were a bus
1850
01:34:06,637 --> 01:34:07,831
where I could pull
the string and get out.
1851
01:34:07,855 --> 01:34:09,529
It's a good thing
Cable's not driving,
1852
01:34:09,553 --> 01:34:10,791
or you'd be in the back.
1853
01:34:10,815 --> 01:34:13,184
I am in the back.
DEADPOOL: Right here!
1854
01:34:13,208 --> 01:34:14,471
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1855
01:34:15,820 --> 01:34:17,604
(IN YOUR EYE SPLAYING ON BOOM BOX)
1856
01:34:28,963 --> 01:34:30,225
(GROANS)
1857
01:34:31,314 --> 01:34:33,379
DEADPOOL: I made mistakes!
1858
01:34:33,403 --> 01:34:35,119
I wanna take them back!
1859
01:34:35,143 --> 01:34:38,122
You trusted me.
I took that trust...
1860
01:34:38,146 --> 01:34:39,602
and turned it into a glory hole
1861
01:34:39,626 --> 01:34:41,212
in an airport bathroom.
1862
01:34:41,236 --> 01:34:44,520
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
1863
01:34:44,544 --> 01:34:47,175
But even you know I'm not
a complete piece of shit.
1864
01:34:47,199 --> 01:34:48,742
I was once an X-Man.
1865
01:34:48,766 --> 01:34:49,810
Trainee!
1866
01:34:50,898 --> 01:34:52,073
(MUSIC STOPS)
1867
01:34:54,467 --> 01:34:57,054
You're still using
my Velcro labels. Aw.
1868
01:34:57,078 --> 01:34:58,708
They do stick better than tape.
1869
01:34:58,732 --> 01:34:59,796
Hi, Wade!
1870
01:34:59,820 --> 01:35:01,276
Please don't.
1871
01:35:01,300 --> 01:35:03,713
Say whatever it is you're here
to say. Make it quick.
1872
01:35:03,737 --> 01:35:05,019
Right. Quick.
1873
01:35:05,043 --> 01:35:06,760
It's the kid.
Just like you, I let him down.
1874
01:35:06,784 --> 01:35:08,239
And just like me,
1875
01:35:08,263 --> 01:35:09,415
he's never had anyone
sacrifice anything for him...
1876
01:35:09,439 --> 01:35:10,459
because the whole world
wrote him off
1877
01:35:10,483 --> 01:35:11,939
as a piece of shit
a long time ago.
1878
01:35:11,963 --> 01:35:13,680
Look, he's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!
1879
01:35:13,704 --> 01:35:15,246
(GASPS) The Juggernaut!
1880
01:35:15,270 --> 01:35:17,031
Who's, like, my favorite
Marvel character ever...
1881
01:35:17,055 --> 01:35:19,294
And hi, Yukio! That was really
nice of you to say hi...
1882
01:35:19,318 --> 01:35:20,687
so I'm saying hi back.
1883
01:35:20,711 --> 01:35:22,123
You guys make
a super cute couple.
1884
01:35:22,147 --> 01:35:23,864
Yeah. Where was I?
1885
01:35:23,888 --> 01:35:25,779
Oh, yeah. You should never
meet your heroes...
1886
01:35:25,803 --> 01:35:27,520
because, honestly,
he's a bit of a dick!
1887
01:35:27,544 --> 01:35:29,391
And like a lot of dicks,
he's hard as a rock...
1888
01:35:29,415 --> 01:35:30,827
and causes nothing but problems!
1889
01:35:30,851 --> 01:35:33,743
Look, you can stop the
Juggernaut. I know you can.
1890
01:35:33,767 --> 01:35:37,007
Do you know what would happen
to me if I helped you?
1891
01:35:37,031 --> 01:35:39,140
I would be disgraced.
1892
01:35:39,164 --> 01:35:41,229
You are a criminal, a fugitive.
1893
01:35:41,253 --> 01:35:42,796
But worst of all...
1894
01:35:42,820 --> 01:35:44,561
you broke my heart, Wade.
1895
01:35:46,258 --> 01:35:47,496
Then you know what?
1896
01:35:47,520 --> 01:35:49,120
Your heart's in
the wrong place, big guy.
1897
01:35:50,175 --> 01:35:52,893
Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy...
1898
01:35:52,917 --> 01:35:56,331
and fucked up, and not
particularly convenient!
1899
01:35:56,355 --> 01:35:59,465
So stay here
in Chateau de Virgin...
1900
01:35:59,489 --> 01:36:01,621
while we go get our fuck on!
1901
01:36:04,798 --> 01:36:06,191
DOMINO: You're doing great.
1902
01:36:08,846 --> 01:36:10,238
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(ENGINE STARTS)
1903
01:36:11,849 --> 01:36:13,392
RUSSELL: So you wear
that helmet because
1904
01:36:13,416 --> 01:36:15,176
your brother
tries to read your mind?
1905
01:36:15,200 --> 01:36:18,484
JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-Steven.
1906
01:36:18,508 --> 01:36:21,008
MAN: Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.
1907
01:36:21,032 --> 01:36:23,010
And he's not alone.
1908
01:36:23,034 --> 01:36:24,688
HEADMASTER: Secure the children.
1909
01:36:27,125 --> 01:36:29,886
They will not replace us.
1910
01:36:29,910 --> 01:36:32,715
What do you say
we go fuck some shit up?
1911
01:36:32,739 --> 01:36:36,569
"Let's fuck some shit up"
is my legal middle name.
1912
01:36:39,920 --> 01:36:42,551
Watch my back.
I've got the old man.
1913
01:36:42,575 --> 01:36:44,142
Amen, brother.
1914
01:36:45,709 --> 01:36:47,014
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1915
01:36:50,670 --> 01:36:52,343
Time to make the chimichangas.
1916
01:36:52,367 --> 01:36:54,563
30 seconds.
1917
01:36:54,587 --> 01:36:57,131
I finally know why I'm here.
1918
01:36:57,155 --> 01:36:59,133
I was raised in this place.
1919
01:36:59,157 --> 01:37:01,440
Well, not raised.
I was tortured.
1920
01:37:01,464 --> 01:37:04,355
Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.
1921
01:37:04,379 --> 01:37:05,705
Shall we? This is gonna be fun.
1922
01:37:05,729 --> 01:37:06,836
DEADPOOL: Yeah!
1923
01:37:06,860 --> 01:37:08,272
Hey! Been meaning
to ask you...
1924
01:37:08,296 --> 01:37:11,580
what's with the dirty,
disgusting hobo bear?
1925
01:37:11,604 --> 01:37:14,801
It's not dirt. It's the blood
of my dead daughter.
1926
01:37:14,825 --> 01:37:17,543
Are You Bear, God?
It's Me, Margaret.
1927
01:37:17,567 --> 01:37:19,022
Give me some.
1928
01:37:19,046 --> 01:37:20,633
They say
laughter heals anything...
1929
01:37:20,657 --> 01:37:21,808
except, of course, that.
1930
01:37:21,832 --> 01:37:23,050
We should just cue the music.
1931
01:37:24,182 --> 01:37:26,053
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1932
01:37:48,206 --> 01:37:50,904
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
1933
01:37:52,123 --> 01:37:53,187
Russell!
1934
01:37:53,211 --> 01:37:56,625
You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!
1935
01:37:56,649 --> 01:37:57,974
Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?
1936
01:37:57,998 --> 01:37:59,652
(YELLING)
1937
01:38:02,307 --> 01:38:03,589
That's why!
1938
01:38:03,613 --> 01:38:04,938
Told you this little fucker's
too far gone.
1939
01:38:04,962 --> 01:38:06,679
Zip it, Thanos!
We have a deal and you fuck...
1940
01:38:06,703 --> 01:38:09,203
(GROANS)
JUGGERNAUT: Hey!
1941
01:38:09,227 --> 01:38:12,360
I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.
1942
01:38:13,492 --> 01:38:15,688
My body and my hands
are so soft.
1943
01:38:15,712 --> 01:38:16,950
You should probably
head back to the car.
1944
01:38:16,974 --> 01:38:18,671
I think I'll head
back to the car.
1945
01:38:19,846 --> 01:38:22,545
It works best
when you pull the trigger.
1946
01:38:24,242 --> 01:38:25,436
(GROANS)
1947
01:38:25,460 --> 01:38:26,723
That gun is amazing!
1948
01:38:28,072 --> 01:38:29,290
RUSSELL: Say it!
1949
01:38:31,466 --> 01:38:34,533
You are an abomination!
1950
01:38:34,557 --> 01:38:35,688
(GRUNTS)
1951
01:38:41,781 --> 01:38:45,108
Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.
1952
01:38:45,132 --> 01:38:47,570
I believe him!
Every man for themselves!
1953
01:38:51,922 --> 01:38:53,010
Gotcha!
1954
01:38:53,793 --> 01:38:54,968
JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget!
1955
01:38:57,971 --> 01:39:01,081
Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!
1956
01:39:01,105 --> 01:39:02,193
Oh, shit fuck!
1957
01:39:02,759 --> 01:39:04,108
(SCREAMING)
1958
01:39:14,684 --> 01:39:16,052
(JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS)
1959
01:39:16,076 --> 01:39:17,643
Come here, beautiful.
1960
01:39:25,433 --> 01:39:26,565
Whoo!
1961
01:39:35,748 --> 01:39:36,836
RUSSELL: Say it!
1962
01:39:51,938 --> 01:39:53,810
(IN YOUR EYE SPLAYING)
1963
01:40:54,958 --> 01:40:56,089
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
1964
01:40:58,918 --> 01:41:00,287
(MUMBLES)
1965
01:41:00,311 --> 01:41:01,462
You came for me.
1966
01:41:01,486 --> 01:41:02,942
I'm not giving up on you,
1967
01:41:02,966 --> 01:41:05,118
and you are not
giving up on that boy.
1968
01:41:05,142 --> 01:41:07,207
Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?
1969
01:41:07,231 --> 01:41:09,644
It's time to fight dirty.
1970
01:41:09,668 --> 01:41:11,037
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
1971
01:41:11,061 --> 01:41:13,866
Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!
1972
01:41:13,890 --> 01:41:15,998
That's such a you thing to say!
1973
01:41:16,022 --> 01:41:18,000
Go get him, tiger!
1974
01:41:18,024 --> 01:41:19,896
Big CGI fight coming up!
1975
01:41:20,897 --> 01:41:22,376
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1976
01:41:22,899 --> 01:41:24,291
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1977
01:41:28,818 --> 01:41:31,057
(GRUNTS)
1978
01:41:31,081 --> 01:41:32,972
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BONE CRACKS)
1979
01:41:32,996 --> 01:41:34,127
(SCREAMS)
1980
01:41:42,962 --> 01:41:44,374
He's doing great.
1981
01:41:44,398 --> 01:41:45,617
RUSSELL: Say it!
1982
01:41:49,795 --> 01:41:51,188
Russell.
DEADPOOL: Bingo!
1983
01:41:54,452 --> 01:41:55,714
(GROANING)
1984
01:41:56,584 --> 01:41:58,606
JUGGERNAUT: You see that bus?
1985
01:41:58,630 --> 01:41:59,830
I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
1986
01:42:00,371 --> 01:42:01,696
(METAL CLANGS)
1987
01:42:01,720 --> 01:42:03,176
(GROANS)
1988
01:42:03,200 --> 01:42:05,158
That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!
1989
01:42:06,072 --> 01:42:07,136
Oh, great!
1990
01:42:07,160 --> 01:42:08,572
ORDERLY: There they are!
Those freaks!
1991
01:42:08,596 --> 01:42:10,705
DEADPOOL: A bunch of armed
pedophiles in nursing shoes.
1992
01:42:10,729 --> 01:42:12,881
Can I have one of those guns?
1993
01:42:12,905 --> 01:42:14,753
No.That's fine.
1994
01:42:14,777 --> 01:42:16,755
Get off this property,
mutant scum!
1995
01:42:16,779 --> 01:42:17,939
I'm just gonna use this brick.
1996
01:42:18,519 --> 01:42:19,627
Maximum effort.
1997
01:42:19,651 --> 01:42:21,044
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1998
01:42:25,657 --> 01:42:27,398
Who says you
can't go home again?
1999
01:42:29,400 --> 01:42:30,749
(ALL GRUNTING)
2000
01:42:36,494 --> 01:42:37,887
(SCREAMS)
CHILDREN: Oh!
2001
01:42:44,545 --> 01:42:45,546
CHILDREN: Yeah!
2002
01:42:47,766 --> 01:42:49,439
Say it.
2003
01:42:49,463 --> 01:42:52,510
Say what you said
every time you tortured me!
2004
01:42:53,032 --> 01:42:54,401
Say it!
2005
01:42:54,425 --> 01:42:57,123
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!
2006
01:42:58,342 --> 01:43:00,494
Blessed are the wicked...
2007
01:43:00,518 --> 01:43:01,736
who are healed...
2008
01:43:02,215 --> 01:43:03,738
by my hand.
2009
01:43:04,652 --> 01:43:05,958
(YELLS)
2010
01:43:15,925 --> 01:43:17,361
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2011
01:43:21,800 --> 01:43:23,497
You commie motherfucker!
2012
01:43:27,719 --> 01:43:28,851
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
2013
01:43:30,069 --> 01:43:31,177
(SPITS)
2014
01:43:31,201 --> 01:43:32,767
(YELLS)
2015
01:43:37,990 --> 01:43:39,209
(GROANS)
2016
01:43:50,568 --> 01:43:53,112
DEADPOOL: Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?
2017
01:43:53,136 --> 01:43:55,355
Only best buddies
execute pedophiles together.
2018
01:43:58,228 --> 01:44:00,597
You got 30 seconds,
you jabbering butt plug!
2019
01:44:00,621 --> 01:44:01,840
Now we're getting it.
2020
01:44:04,495 --> 01:44:06,516
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
2021
01:44:06,540 --> 01:44:08,823
I need a bus
to get you all out of here.
2022
01:44:08,847 --> 01:44:09,848
(GASPS)
2023
01:44:10,675 --> 01:44:12,242
(CAR ALARM WAILING)
2024
01:44:14,070 --> 01:44:15,114
Orphans.
2025
01:44:16,289 --> 01:44:17,508
Oh, geez.
2026
01:44:18,944 --> 01:44:21,662
It's time to burn
for what you've done!
2027
01:44:21,686 --> 01:44:24,167
A child should not be burdened
with such power!
2028
01:44:31,739 --> 01:44:32,978
(RUSSELL GRUNTS)
2029
01:44:33,002 --> 01:44:34,046
Russell! Wait!
2030
01:44:40,052 --> 01:44:41,358
DEADPOOL: Oh!
2031
01:44:48,582 --> 01:44:50,734
Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!
2032
01:44:50,758 --> 01:44:52,780
What more do you need to see?
Don't you fucking dare!
2033
01:44:52,804 --> 01:44:53,999
He's just a kid!
2034
01:44:54,023 --> 01:44:55,938
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
2035
01:45:05,034 --> 01:45:06,339
(COLOSSUS GROANS)
2036
01:45:08,646 --> 01:45:11,692
I'm gonna melt you down
and make a cock ring.
2037
01:45:17,089 --> 01:45:18,264
(GRUNTS)
2038
01:45:19,439 --> 01:45:20,788
(GROWLS)
2039
01:45:23,617 --> 01:45:24,986
(GRUNTS)
2040
01:45:25,010 --> 01:45:27,143
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GROANING)
2041
01:45:32,061 --> 01:45:34,715
I told you! Leave me alone! Come on!
2042
01:45:35,238 --> 01:45:36,369
Listen to me!
2043
01:45:39,546 --> 01:45:41,089
(RUSSELL SCREAMING)
2044
01:45:41,113 --> 01:45:43,333
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2045
01:45:46,379 --> 01:45:47,598
(GRUNTS)
2046
01:45:59,610 --> 01:46:01,283
COLOSSUS: (SCOFFS)
That's how we do it
2047
01:46:01,307 --> 01:46:02,787
in Mother Russia.
2048
01:46:03,744 --> 01:46:04,983
(GROANS)
2049
01:46:05,007 --> 01:46:07,531
They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.
2050
01:46:08,923 --> 01:46:12,164
CABLE: Oh, no.
You're doing amazing.
2051
01:46:12,188 --> 01:46:13,426
(GROWLS)
2052
01:46:13,450 --> 01:46:16,342
Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!
2053
01:46:16,366 --> 01:46:18,213
Go home, Wade!
2054
01:46:18,237 --> 01:46:20,065
You're ruining everything!
2055
01:46:25,418 --> 01:46:26,787
I'm getting good at this shit.
2056
01:46:26,811 --> 01:46:28,136
DEADPOOL: Go, go, go!
2057
01:46:28,160 --> 01:46:29,335
(GRUNTS)
2058
01:46:31,337 --> 01:46:33,315
He dies tonight, Wade.
2059
01:46:33,339 --> 01:46:35,839
You can't stop me!
2060
01:46:35,863 --> 01:46:37,754
CABLE: He even runs
like a fucking pervert.
2061
01:46:37,778 --> 01:46:40,520
Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.
2062
01:46:41,956 --> 01:46:43,456
There's one bullet left
in that gun.
2063
01:46:43,480 --> 01:46:45,501
Wait, wait, wait!
Please, just give me a second!
2064
01:46:45,525 --> 01:46:47,025
I got this.
2065
01:46:47,049 --> 01:46:49,288
Russell! Stay back! Go home, Wade!
2066
01:46:49,312 --> 01:46:52,030
Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!
2067
01:46:52,054 --> 01:46:53,727
That piece of shit...
2068
01:46:53,751 --> 01:46:55,511
he deserves to die
for what he did to you.
2069
01:46:55,535 --> 01:46:58,930
He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.
2070
01:46:59,800 --> 01:47:01,604
But if you kill him, he wins.
2071
01:47:01,628 --> 01:47:05,521
You become everything
he says you are, but worse.
2072
01:47:05,545 --> 01:47:07,567
You're just a kid.
2073
01:47:07,591 --> 01:47:09,351
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
2074
01:47:09,375 --> 01:47:10,657
How do you know what I want?
2075
01:47:10,681 --> 01:47:12,291
Because I've been inside you.
2076
01:47:12,987 --> 01:47:14,878
That came out wrong.
2077
01:47:14,902 --> 01:47:16,619
I've been inside your shoes.
2078
01:47:16,643 --> 01:47:18,534
Which is also off-putting.
2079
01:47:18,558 --> 01:47:20,058
It's not a great analogy.
2080
01:47:20,082 --> 01:47:21,929
The point is...
2081
01:47:21,953 --> 01:47:23,670
there are people...
2082
01:47:23,694 --> 01:47:26,760
There are people
in this fucking world...
2083
01:47:26,784 --> 01:47:29,502
besides him,
who will treat you right.
2084
01:47:29,526 --> 01:47:32,137
It isn't too late.
Don't do it.
2085
01:47:37,708 --> 01:47:40,102
I never should've left
you there.
2086
01:47:41,842 --> 01:47:43,714
I never should've left you
in that prison.
2087
01:47:50,808 --> 01:47:52,114
I can't trust you.
2088
01:47:53,811 --> 01:47:56,161
I can't trust anybody!
2089
01:47:57,206 --> 01:47:58,685
(GROANING)
2090
01:48:05,388 --> 01:48:06,669
Wonderful kid.
2091
01:48:06,693 --> 01:48:08,497
RUSSELL: You can't stop me, Wade!
2092
01:48:08,521 --> 01:48:09,740
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2093
01:48:10,697 --> 01:48:12,980
I got one more idea.
2094
01:48:13,004 --> 01:48:15,939
It's just a really bad one,
even for me.
2095
01:48:15,963 --> 01:48:17,245
Wade, what are you doing?
2096
01:48:17,269 --> 01:48:19,595
All right. This is for
all the marbles, kid!
2097
01:48:19,619 --> 01:48:21,728
You're gonna kill
someone today...
2098
01:48:21,752 --> 01:48:23,208
Blessed are the wicked...
2099
01:48:23,232 --> 01:48:25,147
...then it's gotta be me.
2100
01:48:26,235 --> 01:48:28,150
...who are healed by my hand!
2101
01:48:31,240 --> 01:48:33,677
(MOUTHS) Fuck this!
2102
01:48:35,157 --> 01:48:36,810
(TOMORROW PLAYING)
2103
01:48:37,985 --> 01:48:40,118
(GIRL SINGING)
2104
01:49:31,996 --> 01:49:33,215
(GROANS)
2105
01:49:34,390 --> 01:49:37,349
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
2106
01:49:39,264 --> 01:49:40,744
(DEADPOOL COUGHING)
2107
01:49:42,354 --> 01:49:43,877
Oh, that's not good.
2108
01:49:45,444 --> 01:49:46,880
No, sir.
2109
01:49:54,497 --> 01:49:57,413
You sacrificed yourself for me.
2110
01:49:57,848 --> 01:49:59,042
Yeah.
2111
01:49:59,066 --> 01:50:01,306
And it was the best thing
I ever did.
2112
01:50:01,330 --> 01:50:03,221
(COUGHING)
2113
01:50:03,245 --> 01:50:05,353
I told you I care about you.
2114
01:50:05,377 --> 01:50:07,161
You're a good kid, Russell.
2115
01:50:08,859 --> 01:50:09,947
Hey.
2116
01:50:11,253 --> 01:50:12,491
The bear.
2117
01:50:12,515 --> 01:50:13,907
It worked.
2118
01:50:20,871 --> 01:50:22,501
Because of you.
2119
01:50:22,525 --> 01:50:24,831
No, Wade, because of you.
2120
01:50:25,702 --> 01:50:27,810
Stop, stop, stop!
2121
01:50:27,834 --> 01:50:29,009
Stop!
2122
01:50:30,184 --> 01:50:33,163
Just let it happen, okay?
2123
01:50:33,187 --> 01:50:36,906
I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.
2124
01:50:36,930 --> 01:50:39,324
(GROANS) That riddle
is so fucked up.
2125
01:50:41,718 --> 01:50:44,131
(GROANS, COUGHS)
2126
01:50:44,155 --> 01:50:46,568
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
2127
01:50:46,592 --> 01:50:47,961
Don't be. Don't be.
2128
01:50:47,985 --> 01:50:50,224
I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.
2129
01:50:50,248 --> 01:50:51,921
Please, just don't leave me.
2130
01:50:51,945 --> 01:50:53,575
I don't wanna die
without an audience.
2131
01:50:53,599 --> 01:50:55,273
We are not going anywhere.
2132
01:50:55,297 --> 01:50:57,405
WADE: Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.
2133
01:50:57,429 --> 01:50:58,561
Just rest, okay?
2134
01:51:00,389 --> 01:51:01,477
Papa.
2135
01:51:03,696 --> 01:51:05,655
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
2136
01:51:07,918 --> 01:51:13,924
♪ Papa, can you find me
in the night? ♪
2137
01:51:35,206 --> 01:51:36,966
Before I go... (COUGHS)
2138
01:51:36,990 --> 01:51:38,688
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
2139
01:51:39,297 --> 01:51:40,666
Domino.
2140
01:51:40,690 --> 01:51:45,148
I want you to have
my Adventure Timewatch.
2141
01:51:45,172 --> 01:51:47,629
(WADE COUGHING)
2142
01:51:47,653 --> 01:51:50,526
Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.
2143
01:51:51,309 --> 01:51:52,397
Thank you.
2144
01:51:53,746 --> 01:51:57,030
Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.
2145
01:51:57,054 --> 01:51:59,380
I liked you better
with your hair short.
2146
01:51:59,404 --> 01:52:00,536
Think everyone did.
2147
01:52:01,363 --> 01:52:04,124
Hi, Yukio. Hi, Wade!
2148
01:52:04,148 --> 01:52:06,082
(CHUCKLES)
2149
01:52:06,106 --> 01:52:07,194
And you...
2150
01:52:07,717 --> 01:52:09,738
Chrome Bone.
2151
01:52:09,762 --> 01:52:12,698
I haven't always been
the best friend to you.
2152
01:52:12,722 --> 01:52:15,048
But you've always been
that to me.
2153
01:52:15,072 --> 01:52:16,421
So thank you.
2154
01:52:18,597 --> 01:52:20,207
Say "fuck" for me.
2155
01:52:21,034 --> 01:52:22,360
Just once. Come on,
2156
01:52:22,384 --> 01:52:24,013
we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.
2157
01:52:24,037 --> 01:52:27,103
Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...
2158
01:52:27,127 --> 01:52:28,322
Fuck.
2159
01:52:28,346 --> 01:52:31,610
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
(CHUCKLES)
2160
01:52:32,959 --> 01:52:36,069
And you, Cable. (COUGHS)
2161
01:52:36,093 --> 01:52:40,595
You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.
2162
01:52:40,619 --> 01:52:44,294
And promise me.
Promise me one thing.
2163
01:52:44,318 --> 01:52:45,731
That you'll start
judging people...
2164
01:52:45,755 --> 01:52:47,167
not by the color of their skin,
2165
01:52:47,191 --> 01:52:49,062
but by the content
of their character.
2166
01:52:49,802 --> 01:52:51,413
Jesus.
WADE: R-Dog?
2167
01:52:52,588 --> 01:52:55,088
There you are. Hey!
2168
01:52:55,112 --> 01:52:57,351
You're a superhero now, bubba.
2169
01:52:57,375 --> 01:53:00,398
That's why it's high time
that you had a super suit.
2170
01:53:00,422 --> 01:53:01,834
This one is yours.
2171
01:53:01,858 --> 01:53:03,618
You might wanna
get it steam cleaned.
2172
01:53:03,642 --> 01:53:05,098
Especially around the pants.
2173
01:53:05,122 --> 01:53:06,819
And let it out
a little in the waist.
2174
01:53:07,777 --> 01:53:08,778
But, hey.
2175
01:53:09,822 --> 01:53:11,191
Look.
2176
01:53:11,215 --> 01:53:13,826
Family is not an F-word.
2177
01:53:14,566 --> 01:53:15,935
All right?
2178
01:53:15,959 --> 01:53:18,416
There's one out there
for you. (COUGHS)
2179
01:53:18,440 --> 01:53:20,137
Just keep looking, okay?
2180
01:53:23,619 --> 01:53:26,404
Guys, for a second there...
2181
01:53:27,231 --> 01:53:29,363
we made a pretty good team.
2182
01:53:35,500 --> 01:53:37,067
(SIGHS)
2183
01:53:44,422 --> 01:53:46,424
Oh, it's so hard to go.
2184
01:53:46,816 --> 01:53:47,967
(WHINES)
2185
01:53:47,991 --> 01:53:50,297
I just love being around
you guys so much.
2186
01:53:51,385 --> 01:53:52,604
So, so much.
2187
01:53:53,344 --> 01:53:54,713
Mmm.
2188
01:53:54,737 --> 01:53:57,585
No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.
2189
01:53:57,609 --> 01:54:01,459
I feel the soul
exiting the husk.
2190
01:54:01,483 --> 01:54:02,484
Yeah.
2191
01:54:04,355 --> 01:54:06,855
Can you see it?
2192
01:54:06,879 --> 01:54:09,055
Do you see
that beautiful bright light?
2193
01:54:10,535 --> 01:54:11,667
There it is.
2194
01:54:17,934 --> 01:54:19,215
Oh, that's the sun.
2195
01:54:19,239 --> 01:54:21,130
Don't stare directly into that.
2196
01:54:21,154 --> 01:54:22,610
I just have a few final words.
2197
01:54:22,634 --> 01:54:23,679
(EXHALES)
2198
01:54:24,810 --> 01:54:26,203
Woodpecker.
2199
01:54:26,986 --> 01:54:28,335
Gingivitis.
2200
01:54:30,381 --> 01:54:31,730
Codswallop.
2201
01:54:36,082 --> 01:54:38,041
Do You Want to Build a Snowman?
2202
01:55:05,372 --> 01:55:07,549
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
2203
01:55:53,029 --> 01:55:54,267
Sorry I'm late.
2204
01:55:54,291 --> 01:55:56,008
There was a bunch
2205
01:55:56,032 --> 01:55:57,400
of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.
2206
01:55:57,424 --> 01:55:59,664
No.No.
2207
01:55:59,688 --> 01:56:02,797
But I did have to help a kid.Yeah.
2208
01:56:02,821 --> 01:56:04,756
He's got a terrible name. It's just awful.
2209
01:56:04,780 --> 01:56:05,781
Ugh. I tried to tell him.
2210
01:56:08,131 --> 01:56:09,567
Is this heaven?
2211
01:56:10,437 --> 01:56:11,613
It is now.
2212
01:56:15,094 --> 01:56:16,966
I am so sorry.
2213
01:56:17,793 --> 01:56:19,142
VANESSA: It's okay.
2214
01:56:38,988 --> 01:56:40,859
I missed you so much.
2215
01:56:46,473 --> 01:56:48,127
What is it? What's wrong?
2216
01:56:50,042 --> 01:56:52,151
It's not time.
2217
01:56:52,175 --> 01:56:54,196
What do you mean it's not time?
2218
01:56:54,220 --> 01:56:55,850
I'm here, I made it.
2219
01:56:55,874 --> 01:56:57,635
You can't stay. No, no, no.
2220
01:56:57,659 --> 01:57:00,333
I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.
2221
01:57:00,357 --> 01:57:01,813
It's okay.
2222
01:57:01,837 --> 01:57:04,666
There's a time for us.
It's just not now.
2223
01:57:05,710 --> 01:57:08,147
They need you. Who?
2224
01:57:10,193 --> 01:57:11,498
VANESSA: Your F-word.
2225
01:57:12,761 --> 01:57:13,781
WADE: Why?
2226
01:57:13,805 --> 01:57:14,806
VANESSA: You'll find out.
2227
01:57:16,068 --> 01:57:17,635
It's all right. I'll be here.
2228
01:57:18,984 --> 01:57:21,789
It's pretty fucking
awesome over here.
2229
01:57:21,813 --> 01:57:23,748
I can have anything I want.
2230
01:57:23,772 --> 01:57:25,924
Can every day be
International Women's Day?
2231
01:57:25,948 --> 01:57:27,534
It is heaven.
2232
01:57:27,558 --> 01:57:28,777
I love you.
2233
01:57:31,301 --> 01:57:34,043
I know. I love you, too.
2234
01:57:34,652 --> 01:57:36,045
Now, go.
2235
01:57:36,915 --> 01:57:38,917
Go on. Go, get out of here.
2236
01:57:39,962 --> 01:57:40,963
Go.
2237
01:57:43,792 --> 01:57:44,792
Hey!
2238
01:57:47,796 --> 01:57:49,928
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
2239
01:57:50,581 --> 01:57:51,713
Well, come here.
2240
01:58:11,036 --> 01:58:12,797
Don't fuck Elvis.
2241
01:58:12,821 --> 01:58:14,561
Ooh, too late. I'm sorry?
2242
01:58:19,523 --> 01:58:21,003
(SCREAMING)
2243
01:58:24,049 --> 01:58:25,331
Time to make the chimichangas.
2244
01:58:25,355 --> 01:58:26,506
30 seconds.
2245
01:58:26,530 --> 01:58:27,812
Hey. Been meaning
to ask you...
2246
01:58:27,836 --> 01:58:30,336
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
2247
01:58:30,360 --> 01:58:32,555
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
2248
01:58:32,579 --> 01:58:34,122
Her name's Hope.
2249
01:58:34,146 --> 01:58:35,278
DEADPOOL: Well...
2250
01:58:36,105 --> 01:58:38,039
What are you doing?
2251
01:58:38,063 --> 01:58:39,737
Somebody swiped right.
2252
01:58:39,761 --> 01:58:41,588
(FAST-FORWARDING)
2253
01:58:50,554 --> 01:58:52,445
(GROANS)
2254
01:58:52,469 --> 01:58:55,274
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
2255
01:58:55,298 --> 01:58:56,952
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2256
01:58:58,170 --> 01:58:59,974
RUSSELL: You sacrificed
yourself for me.
2257
01:58:59,998 --> 01:59:01,521
DEADPOOL: It would seem I...
2258
01:59:03,697 --> 01:59:04,960
Huh?
2259
01:59:06,091 --> 01:59:08,441
Genuine, high-grade lead.
2260
01:59:10,356 --> 01:59:13,422
You time-sliding
son of a bitch!
2261
01:59:13,446 --> 01:59:15,013
You did this for me?
2262
01:59:16,885 --> 01:59:19,994
Wait. You can't go back.
2263
01:59:20,018 --> 01:59:21,343
You used the last of your fuel.
2264
01:59:21,367 --> 01:59:23,128
What about your girl, your wife?
2265
01:59:23,152 --> 01:59:26,416
Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
2266
01:59:27,896 --> 01:59:30,352
No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while...
2267
01:59:30,376 --> 01:59:31,658
and make sure the world
2268
01:59:31,682 --> 01:59:33,379
doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.
2269
01:59:34,076 --> 01:59:36,948
No. You did it for me.
2270
01:59:37,731 --> 01:59:39,187
No, I didn't.
2271
01:59:39,211 --> 01:59:40,667
You did. I really didn't.
2272
01:59:40,691 --> 01:59:42,538
Pretty sure you did.
No, I'm positive I didn't.
2273
01:59:42,562 --> 01:59:44,366
Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?
2274
01:59:44,390 --> 01:59:47,152
Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.
2275
01:59:47,176 --> 01:59:49,981
I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.
2276
01:59:50,005 --> 01:59:51,156
Say it again.
2277
01:59:51,180 --> 01:59:52,810
He did it for me.
CABLE: Jesus.
2278
01:59:52,834 --> 01:59:54,637
We must get the collar off.
Forget it. It's no use.
2279
01:59:54,661 --> 01:59:56,596
These collars
don't just come off.
2280
01:59:56,620 --> 01:59:58,119
Wade.
2281
01:59:58,143 --> 02:00:00,078
I have an idea.
2282
02:00:00,102 --> 02:00:02,254
No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!
2283
02:00:02,278 --> 02:00:04,734
I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...
2284
02:00:04,758 --> 02:00:07,912
Oh, God! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.
2285
02:00:07,936 --> 02:00:10,262
(COLLAR BUZZING)
RUSSELL: We need the code.
2286
02:00:10,286 --> 02:00:12,220
Try, uh, seven?
2287
02:00:12,244 --> 02:00:13,874
DEADPOOL: Settle down,
Captain Lucky.
2288
02:00:13,898 --> 02:00:15,354
It's not gonna be one number.
2289
02:00:15,378 --> 02:00:16,538
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
2290
02:00:17,467 --> 02:00:18,816
I still got it.
2291
02:00:20,035 --> 02:00:21,839
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2292
02:00:21,863 --> 02:00:23,821
Put that back
in your prison wallet.
2293
02:00:25,518 --> 02:00:27,453
I don't know how to thank you.
2294
02:00:27,477 --> 02:00:29,411
But I do know how to hug you.
2295
02:00:29,435 --> 02:00:30,760
No.
Yes.
2296
02:00:30,784 --> 02:00:32,284
Here we go. Bring it in.
2297
02:00:32,308 --> 02:00:33,415
Come on.
2298
02:00:33,439 --> 02:00:34,895
Pelvis to pelvis.
2299
02:00:34,919 --> 02:00:36,288
Let's go tip to tip.
2300
02:00:36,312 --> 02:00:38,899
There we go.
The kids call this docking.
2301
02:00:38,923 --> 02:00:40,553
(KNIFE UNSHEATHES)
2302
02:00:40,577 --> 02:00:42,163
Is there a knife in my dick?
2303
02:00:42,187 --> 02:00:43,991
There's a knife in your dick.
I'm just gonna back up now.
2304
02:00:44,015 --> 02:00:45,950
Yeah, yeah. No need to go full Yentl.
2305
02:00:45,974 --> 02:00:48,778
Gonna pretend
like that never happened.
2306
02:00:48,802 --> 02:00:50,717
Let's go home, Russell.
2307
02:00:54,373 --> 02:00:56,177
All you dirty mutants
2308
02:00:56,201 --> 02:00:58,788
are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!
2309
02:00:58,812 --> 02:01:01,922
Your souls
are beyond redemption!
2310
02:01:01,946 --> 02:01:03,228
Let's see your soul, perv!
2311
02:01:03,252 --> 02:01:06,100
No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!
2312
02:01:06,124 --> 02:01:07,449
We're better than him!
2313
02:01:07,473 --> 02:01:10,104
No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!
2314
02:01:10,128 --> 02:01:11,758
We'll let karma
take care of him.
2315
02:01:11,782 --> 02:01:14,785
The day of reckoning is here!
2316
02:01:15,742 --> 02:01:17,068
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2317
02:01:17,092 --> 02:01:18,267
(CRASHING)
2318
02:01:24,099 --> 02:01:26,207
I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.
2319
02:01:26,231 --> 02:01:27,469
Whoo!
2320
02:01:27,493 --> 02:01:29,123
Courage, motherfuckers!
2321
02:01:29,147 --> 02:01:30,646
And karma, motherfucker.
2322
02:01:30,670 --> 02:01:32,083
DEADPOOL: I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.
2323
02:01:32,107 --> 02:01:34,128
I could barely keep
a straight face. (LAUGHS)
2324
02:01:34,152 --> 02:01:36,087
I want some more.
2325
02:01:36,111 --> 02:01:37,871
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
2326
02:01:37,895 --> 02:01:41,440
We should leave
before Fuckernaut wakes up.
2327
02:01:41,464 --> 02:01:43,746
Good call.
You guys coming with us?
2328
02:01:43,770 --> 02:01:45,748
No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.
2329
02:01:45,772 --> 02:01:47,315
Besides, we're X-Men.
2330
02:01:47,339 --> 02:01:50,014
No, you're X-People.
2331
02:01:50,038 --> 02:01:51,406
You're exhausting.
2332
02:01:51,430 --> 02:01:53,234
I see what you did there.
Puns.
2333
02:01:53,258 --> 02:01:54,714
Our door's always open.
2334
02:01:54,738 --> 02:01:56,542
That's kind, but
I'm not ready to date again.
2335
02:01:56,566 --> 02:01:57,567
Let alone two women.
2336
02:01:58,698 --> 02:02:00,415
God, you're a douche.
2337
02:02:00,439 --> 02:02:02,591
Bye, Wade! Bye, Yukio!
2338
02:02:02,615 --> 02:02:04,356
(WE BELONG PLAYING)
2339
02:02:05,270 --> 02:02:06,595
DEADPOOL: What do you get
2340
02:02:06,619 --> 02:02:07,553
when you take
eight feet of chrome...
2341
02:02:07,577 --> 02:02:08,771
one pinch of courage...
2342
02:02:08,795 --> 02:02:10,034
a cup of good luck...
2343
02:02:10,058 --> 02:02:11,644
a dab of racism...
2344
02:02:11,668 --> 02:02:13,211
a splash of diabetes...
2345
02:02:13,235 --> 02:02:15,648
and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?
2346
02:02:15,672 --> 02:02:18,390
Answer: A family.
2347
02:02:18,414 --> 02:02:21,567
See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was.
2348
02:02:21,591 --> 02:02:23,134
If there's anything
you take away today...
2349
02:02:23,158 --> 02:02:26,137
other than the need to Google,
"What the fuck is dubstep?"...
2350
02:02:26,161 --> 02:02:28,990
it's that we all need
to belong to someone.
2351
02:04:26,063 --> 02:04:27,823
How something so small generates
2352
02:04:27,847 --> 02:04:29,434
enough energy
to reverse time is...
2353
02:04:29,458 --> 02:04:31,871
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
2354
02:04:31,895 --> 02:04:34,178
or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.
2355
02:04:34,202 --> 02:04:35,440
Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.
2356
02:04:35,464 --> 02:04:36,528
Never heard of him.
2357
02:04:36,552 --> 02:04:38,031
Why do you think
I'm helping him?
2358
02:04:39,294 --> 02:04:41,576
The Lord works
in mysterious ways,
2359
02:04:41,600 --> 02:04:43,863
don't I? A good day.
2360
02:04:44,603 --> 02:04:45,604
Bye, Wade!
2361
02:04:46,127 --> 02:04:47,128
Bye, Yukio!
2362
02:04:48,433 --> 02:04:50,977
That was probably a bad idea.
2363
02:04:51,001 --> 02:04:52,002
What have we done?
2364
02:04:53,221 --> 02:04:54,918
(IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME
PLAYING)
2365
02:05:10,542 --> 02:05:12,607
I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.
2366
02:05:12,631 --> 02:05:13,980
(BOTH PANTING)
(GASPS)
2367
02:05:22,728 --> 02:05:24,165
I'll be right back!
2368
02:05:26,167 --> 02:05:28,691
We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!
2369
02:05:29,082 --> 02:05:30,083
Whoo!
2370
02:05:31,911 --> 02:05:33,237
DEADPOOL: Peter!
2371
02:05:33,261 --> 02:05:34,847
Whoo! X-Force!
2372
02:05:34,871 --> 02:05:37,937
Walk away! Just walk away!
2373
02:05:37,961 --> 02:05:39,982
But we're X-Force! Nope! We're not.
2374
02:05:40,006 --> 02:05:41,375
X-Force is just
a marketing tool
2375
02:05:41,399 --> 02:05:42,724
designed by Fox executives...
2376
02:05:42,748 --> 02:05:44,465
to keep Josh Brolin employed.
2377
02:05:44,489 --> 02:05:46,032
It doesn't exist.
2378
02:05:46,056 --> 02:05:49,383
All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!
2379
02:05:49,407 --> 02:05:51,124
And I need to feed my cat!
2380
02:05:51,148 --> 02:05:53,648
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
2381
02:05:53,672 --> 02:05:56,936
Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?
2382
02:06:06,119 --> 02:06:07,991
Wade, is that you?
2383
02:06:10,254 --> 02:06:11,623
I guess Stryker finally
2384
02:06:11,647 --> 02:06:13,039
figured out how to shut you up.
2385
02:06:15,912 --> 02:06:17,261
(GUNSHOT)
2386
02:06:19,611 --> 02:06:23,025
Hey! It's me!
Don't scratch!
2387
02:06:23,049 --> 02:06:25,114
Just cleaning up the timelines!
2388
02:06:25,138 --> 02:06:28,988
Look, eventually you're
going to hang up the claws...
2389
02:06:29,012 --> 02:06:31,232
and it's gonna make
a lot of people very sad.
2390
02:06:31,623 --> 02:06:33,035
Huh?
2391
02:06:33,059 --> 02:06:34,385
But one day, your old pal
Wade's gonna ask you...
2392
02:06:34,409 --> 02:06:36,367
to get back in the saddle again.
2393
02:06:37,281 --> 02:06:39,805
And when he does, say yes.
2394
02:06:41,067 --> 02:06:43,026
Oh, right.
(GUNSHOTS)
2395
02:06:43,940 --> 02:06:45,246
(WHISPERS) Love you!
2396
02:06:47,596 --> 02:06:49,250
Goddamn, that's beautiful.
2397
02:06:50,816 --> 02:06:51,817
(GUNSHOT)
2398
02:06:56,605 --> 02:06:58,433
You're welcome, Canada.
2399
02:07:10,967 --> 02:07:12,142
Boy howdy.
2400
02:07:14,013 --> 02:07:16,949
Hi. This is a toughie.
(BABY CRYING)
2401
02:07:16,973 --> 02:07:18,429
Yeesh.
2402
02:07:18,453 --> 02:07:21,867
Oh, yes. You're already
practicing your salute, huh?
2403
02:07:21,891 --> 02:07:24,739
Yes, you are. Well, we'll
take care of that, won't we?
2404
02:07:24,763 --> 02:07:27,549
Jesus Christ! This is
so much harder than I thought.
2405
02:07:28,376 --> 02:07:30,049
Oh, I'm going to hell.
2406
02:07:30,073 --> 02:07:31,790
That makes two of us.
2407
02:07:31,814 --> 02:07:33,444
You can do this.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
2408
02:07:33,468 --> 02:07:36,142
This is crazy. This is crazy.
This is crazy. This is crazy.
2409
02:07:36,166 --> 02:07:37,298
All right.
2410
02:07:38,386 --> 02:07:39,474
(SIGHS)
2411
02:07:44,653 --> 02:07:47,066
Maximum effort.
2412
02:07:47,090 --> 02:07:50,049
(IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME
CONTINUES PLAYING)
2413
02:09:08,301 --> 02:09:10,303
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
2414
02:12:54,484 --> 02:12:56,225
(CHOIR SINGING)
2415
02:13:24,732 --> 02:13:27,058
That's okay.
Let me see here.
2416
02:13:27,082 --> 02:13:28,625
Oh, God.
2417
02:13:28,649 --> 02:13:30,627
That's why you're
such a little bastard.
2418
02:13:30,651 --> 02:13:33,020
No one's ever changed you.
2419
02:13:33,044 --> 02:13:35,806
Yeah, you got a big, old
stinky in there, don't you?
2420
02:13:35,830 --> 02:13:38,678
God, it smells like
Hitler's anus...
2421
02:13:38,702 --> 02:13:41,289
which would makes sense,
wouldn't it? Yeah.
2422
02:13:41,313 --> 02:13:42,508
I think we both know
2423
02:13:42,532 --> 02:13:43,944
I don't have
what it takes to do this...
2424
02:13:43,968 --> 02:13:46,164
so I'm just gonna change
your diaper real quick...
2425
02:13:46,188 --> 02:13:48,122
and then I'm gonna come back
with my friend, Cable.
2426
02:13:48,146 --> 02:13:49,539
He loves killing kids.
167581
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