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1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,870
You ever feel like
every day of your life
2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:07,006
has been leading up
to one moment?
3
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,441
The wedding of the century,
4
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,177
live on "Morning Mimosa!"
5
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,280
Look how nervous
the groom looks.
6
00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:18,083
Wait. This is
a hamster wedding?
7
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,284
Oh, here comes the bride.
8
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:22,187
She's radiant,
9
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:26,091
like Kate Middleton
at Westminster Abbey!
10
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:27,359
This is so stupid.
11
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,294
This show is all fluff,
no substance.
12
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:31,697
Your mom prefers fluff.
It makes her happy.
13
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,632
But there's so much
real news out there.
14
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,368
I feel like I get all I need
from "Morning Mimosa!"
15
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,070
and I start
my day with a smile.
16
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,471
And that smile takes me
17
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:42,307
all the way to
my 4:00 P.M. OxyContin.
18
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:43,976
You need to
expand your mind.
19
00:00:43,978 --> 00:00:45,444
There's a lot of
real news out there,
20
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,112
but you need to seek it out.
21
00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:50,549
Seek the truth.
The truth will set you free.
22
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,917
Hey, who are you?
23
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,652
Mom needs to
get out of her bubble.
24
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:54,987
And end up like you?
25
00:00:54,989 --> 00:00:56,588
Look what real news
has done to you.
26
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,824
Excuse me? Sir?
Those scowl lines.
27
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,159
Mom looks 20 years
younger than you.
28
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,393
-Sir!
-20 years younger?!
29
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,062
Wha-- I'm 19!
30
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:05,998
I now pronounce you
hamster and wife.
31
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,133
Hayley, I have
something to tell you,
32
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,135
but it can't
leave this room.
33
00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:12,571
Last weekend, I was
at that hamster's bachelor party
34
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,440
in Key West, and he...
35
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:17,076
Oh, my God. I can't believe
I'm betraying his trust.
36
00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:18,811
He was not faithful.
37
00:01:18,813 --> 00:01:20,312
You missed
my birthday dinner
38
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:23,148
for a hamster
bachelor party?
39
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:28,353
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
40
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:32,091
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
41
00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:35,427
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
42
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:39,665
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
43
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:44,670
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
44
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,972
♪ Good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
45
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,474
Aah!
46
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:53,178
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
47
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:56,048
♪♪
48
00:01:56,050 --> 00:01:58,183
Welcome to
Conspiracy Con!
49
00:01:58,185 --> 00:02:00,853
Will you be paying with
untraceable bitcoin or...
50
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:02,688
A big jar
of filthy change.
51
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,289
Nice. Keepin' it O.G.
52
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,725
Now, here's your badge
and two pumps of deer urine
53
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,994
to repel Bigfoot --
and a little CK One
54
00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:11,697
because now you
smell like piss.
55
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:13,832
Roger,
who are these people?
56
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,701
They're here
for Conspiracy Con.
57
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:18,170
They're truth seekers
looking for a safe haven
58
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,571
from our
corporate overlords.
59
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,173
Trust no one...
60
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:22,674
except Verizon's
4G Network.
61
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,210
I may have let a few
corporate overlords in.
62
00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:27,479
Lizard people have
infiltrated everything --
63
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,415
the government,
sports, even Tinsel Town!
64
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,583
Elizabeth Taylor?!
65
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:33,886
You mean
"E-lizard-beth" Taylor?
66
00:02:33,888 --> 00:02:34,987
Ryan Gosling?
67
00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:36,021
Very lizard.
68
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,324
They don't talk about
any of this stuff
69
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:40,726
on "Morning Mimosa!"
70
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:43,228
Paper towels are just
tall toilet paper.
71
00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:45,597
Is that man okay?
72
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:48,500
Better than okay.
He's got the "truth twitch"!
73
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,937
Right now he's seeing
the world as it truly is.
74
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,872
I can help you see
the truth, too.
75
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,574
Are you about
to sell me drugs?
76
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:57,543
No. I need my drugs.
77
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,012
♪♪
78
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:03,215
Snot, this is gonna
be so amazing for you.
79
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:06,018
As if.
80
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:07,719
Of course I'll help!
81
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,923
Got it.
"Chesterbrook --"
82
00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:12,424
Were you about to write
83
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,293
"Chesterbrook Townhouses"?
84
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,861
Uh...yeah.
85
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,463
Snot's mom is dating this guy,
Del, who lives there.
86
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:21,533
And get this -- he invited
them to move in!
87
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,302
Del sounds like
a catch, bro.
88
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:27,239
Chesterbrook is high end --
nice landscaping, tennis courts,
89
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:29,775
communal pool
with tons of noodles.
90
00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:31,476
Uh, you can help them
move with me.
91
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,278
Oh, hell yes!
92
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,581
I've been dying to get a peek
inside a Chesterbrook unit.
93
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,783
But, remember,
we're there for Snot.
94
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,219
Steve,
I am deeply offended.
95
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:43,322
Have I ever not been
there for Snoot?
96
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:47,793
♪♪
97
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,929
Francine. Celery?
98
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,931
Those better be
giant gummy celeries,
99
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,499
or I'm gonna have
a full meltdown.
100
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:57,302
Sorry, I didn't get
to the market yesterday.
101
00:03:57,304 --> 00:04:00,639
Stan, you'd tell me if
you were a lizard, right?
102
00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:02,074
Okay, I'll bite.
103
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,675
What in God's name
are you talking about?
104
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:06,411
Roger's hosting Conspiracy Con
in the attic.
105
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,013
That's what's
going on up there?
106
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:10,682
I assumed those creeps
were here for a Roger sex thing.
107
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:14,519
Don't beat yourself up, Stan.
We're also having sex.
108
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:17,089
The electro-radiation booth's
running low on foil.
109
00:04:17,091 --> 00:04:19,524
Those guys
use it for everything.
110
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:23,328
The condoms hurt like hell, but
I'm not ready to be a mother.
111
00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:26,031
Francine, there are no
conspiracies.
112
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,332
They're all fake junk.
113
00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:29,935
But what about
George Soros controlling
114
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,537
the Federal Reserve
from an underground bunker?
115
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,773
Shh! Francine,
he's Jewish.
116
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,141
That's what
he should be doing.
117
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,609
He's helping us.
118
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,311
You're all worked up
over nothing.
119
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:42,214
Oh, look! Almost time for
someone's favorite program.
120
00:04:42,216 --> 00:04:43,682
"Morning Mimosa!"?
121
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,517
Mwah.
That's right.
122
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,620
Just sit back and let
gentle morning infotainment
123
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,188
fill your head.
124
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:53,292
Up next, what our
frisky newlywed hamsters
125
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:56,361
can teach you about
pleasing your lover in bed.
126
00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:59,064
Ooh! Stan!
You forgot your lunch!
127
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,233
Oh, crap! The foil
got lost inside me.
128
00:05:01,235 --> 00:05:02,968
Francine, if you're
going to the store,
129
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,704
pick me up some Plan B
and a magnet.
130
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:08,240
♪♪
131
00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:11,143
In honor of
the "Great Snot" moving in,
132
00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:13,679
I took the liberty
of stocking the fridge.
133
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:17,182
Specialty sodas?
134
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,884
Damn!
135
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:21,186
Cucumber?
Toasted marshmallow?
136
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:24,156
Hey, look, they take
all the eggs out of the carton
137
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,858
and put them in the little
egg spots in the door.
138
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:31,663
That's the Chesterbrook
difference.
139
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,236
And the final stop
on the grand tour...
140
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:40,005
your new bedroom!
141
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,907
Del wanted to convert
his home office,
142
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:46,178
but I thought it might
get noisy next to our bedroom.
143
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:49,848
Me have sex with
the Great Snot's mom?
144
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,685
Uh, yes please.
145
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,187
Del seems great.
146
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:58,857
He is. It's just --
isn't it a little depressing
147
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,258
living in the basement?
148
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,927
Are you serious?
149
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,730
You have been given
a finished basement.
150
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:07,766
It's like a blank canvas
to be awesome in.
151
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:11,636
Just imagine -- air-hockey
table, Jamaican flag,
152
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,805
and an Aerosmith mirror
some older brother won
153
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:17,476
at a carnival ring-toss before
he died in a car accident.
154
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:20,245
You know, the classic basement!
155
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:22,614
I guess
that does sound cool.
156
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,549
Who cares if you think
it's cool, shithead?
157
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,084
It's for the ladies!
158
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:29,454
They can't resist
the power of a sweet basement.
159
00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:32,924
Then you add music,
maybe something like --
160
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:35,460
♪ I tried so hard ♪
161
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:37,596
♪ Unt got so far ♪
162
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,598
♪ But in ze end ♪
163
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,968
♪ It doesn't even matter ♪
164
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:45,137
♪ One thing,
I don't know why ♪
165
00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:47,005
♪ It doesn't even matter
how hard you try ♪
166
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,507
♪ Keep that in mind ♪
167
00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,308
♪ I designed this rhyme
to remind myself ♪
168
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,778
♪ How I tried so hard ♪
♪ I tried so hard ♪
169
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,312
♪ In spite of the way
you were mocking me ♪
170
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,847
♪ Acting like I was part
of your property ♪
171
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,983
So, I guess...
♪ Remembering all the times ♪
172
00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,751
♪ You fought with me ♪
...I'll go get the stuff.
173
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,120
♪ I'm surprised
it got so far ♪
♪ It got so far ♪
174
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:06,925
Trish, Sues, emergency
production meeting onstage!
175
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:13,432
Shh! The executive producer
is approaching the stage.
176
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:17,202
So, I'm head honcho, and I still
have to open my own doors?
177
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:18,670
Sorry, sir.
Y-Your coffee?
178
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,272
It's too late.
You're fired.
179
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,642
Wait. Gimme
that coffee first.
180
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,977
Damn.
All right, team.
181
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,146
Most of you know
I took over "Morning Mimosa!"
182
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,048
when I realized I could use it
to protect my wife
183
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,284
from the harshness
of the real world.
184
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,288
Why did Stan come here?
185
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:38,123
Unfortunately,
Francine was exposed
186
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,958
to some scary ideas yesterday,
187
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,960
so we're gonna need to
turn up the fluff.
188
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,396
I'm talking cute animals,
I'm talking makeovers,
189
00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:46,398
I'm talking 2-year-olds
who break-dance.
190
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:50,235
Because if we don't, I fear her
ignorant, fragile mind and --
191
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,671
if I'm being honest --
her backwoods sensibilities
192
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,539
will be thrown into upheaval.
193
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:56,074
Francine?!
194
00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:00,345
Uh, you all know
my brilliant, stable wife,
195
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:03,014
the sheer essence
of continental sophistication?
196
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:06,151
You told me conspiracies
were fake junk,
197
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:10,589
but -- but I'm
in a conspiracy.
198
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:14,593
And, Stan,
you put me there.
199
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,028
This isn't a conspiracy.
I'm, uh...
200
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,730
I'm doing all these people.
201
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,398
It's just an orgy.
202
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,733
See?
203
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,608
♪♪
204
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,376
What exactly
did you hear?
205
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:34,012
That you have been
secretly running
206
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,516
"Morning Mimosa" for years
to keep me in a bubble!
207
00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,518
And to also provide
a reliable lead-in
208
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,087
for "The Young
and the Restless."
209
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,055
I can't trust you.
210
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,424
I can't trust anything.
211
00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:49,694
The bubble...
has burst!
212
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:55,100
Nice.
213
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:58,136
Whoa-ho-ho!
Cool room, sport!
214
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,640
Thanks, Dad.
Sorry, I mean "Del."
215
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,643
No, it's okay.
You can call me "Dad."
216
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,444
All right, Pops.
217
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,146
Back upstairs.
218
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,948
-Want to play darts?
-"Darts"?!
219
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,150
I didn't pimp this
basement to play darts.
220
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,486
I know.
It's your make-out castle.
221
00:09:14,488 --> 00:09:17,222
Palace. And it's not mine.
It's Snot's.
222
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,392
What we need right now is to get
some babes in this castle.
223
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,993
See, you did say castle.
224
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,395
Go get girls!
225
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:34,406
I know they say
it's a dog-eat-dog world,
226
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:36,007
but this is ridiculous.
227
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,809
Good thing no one heard that.
228
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,177
Francine!
229
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:40,912
How much did you hear?
230
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,681
Conspiracies
are real, Roger.
231
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,115
I can trust no one.
232
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,418
Would ya' look at that?
233
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,286
Got yourself
a "truth twitch"!
234
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,589
I can see so clearly!
235
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,358
My eyes are finally open!
236
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,695
Oh, good. So you can
feast those peepers on this.
237
00:09:56,697 --> 00:10:00,432
The spliiiits.
238
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,837
All right, there's a group of
babes by the Noodle Chest.
239
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,973
Work your magic.
240
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,175
Whew,
it's warm out here!
241
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:15,380
Would you girls like to cool off
in a cold, dark basement?
242
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,949
I'm sorry.
243
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,619
What my friend meant
to say is
244
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:23,822
you girls'll fit in real nice
with the other treasures
245
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:26,491
in his basement.
246
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,193
Aah!
247
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:31,229
Beat it, pervs.
We're going to my uncle's
248
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,797
so he can take pictures of us --
249
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:38,570
Tasteful nudes to launch
our modeling careers.
250
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:45,810
Broadcasting live via
short wave from a little RV
251
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:49,514
on planet truth,
this is..."Truth Planet."
252
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:58,590
First of all, I want to say
hello to the government
253
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:00,392
if you're listening --
of course they are --
254
00:11:00,394 --> 00:11:03,261
and a quick shout-out
to Stamps.com
255
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,096
for sponsoring the show.
256
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,699
Show me the money.
257
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:10,769
Today, we're going
to sit down with legendary
258
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:12,871
Yeti hunter, Randy Ojai.
259
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:16,374
But first, are we really
safe in our homes?
260
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,677
Truth bomb.
261
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,514
Take your kitchen.
262
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:25,850
Toasters -- what do we really
know about them?
263
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:28,453
Does the bagel button
do anything,
264
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:31,022
or does it just
put you on a list?
265
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,892
Shabbat shalom.
266
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,194
You think you're safe
in the bathroom?
267
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,595
Think again!
268
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,764
We all bring
our phones in there!
269
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:43,868
The government hacks your
camera and boom, they gotcha.
270
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:47,205
Hook, line, and stinkerrrr!
271
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,276
Francine!
272
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,311
Come on, Francine!
273
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,447
I know you're upset
I was controlling your mind
274
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:56,748
with "Morning Mimosa!"
275
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,550
And I know it hurt
to find out your husband
276
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,085
has six Daytime Emmys.
277
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,921
Wait, are you jealous
of my monster success
278
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:05,223
in the notoriously fickle
11:00 A.M. slot?
279
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,791
Well, you should be flattered.
280
00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:09,294
I may have dedicated
all six Emmys to my lawyer,
281
00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,329
the brilliant, ruthless
Irwin Klein,
282
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:16,000
but I won them for you!
283
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,569
No babes?
284
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,504
I've got this basement
pulsating with power,
285
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,272
and you're wasting it, Steve!
286
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,307
Gah!
287
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:25,176
Everything okay
down here?
288
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:30,115
Oh, you turned this into
a darling little rumpus room.
289
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,016
Yeah, it's pretty sick.
290
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:33,752
Gosh, I haven't been
in a basement like this
291
00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:36,187
since high school.
292
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:45,930
Ooh, this song.
It really takes me back.
293
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,433
Did I ever tell you
about the summer
294
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:52,837
I went on tour with
a Journey cover band?
295
00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:55,140
This is literally
the first time we've met.
296
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:58,276
Mmm, air hockey?
297
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,178
No thanks.
I don't feel like playing.
298
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:04,048
Aw, you're gonna make
me play with myself?
299
00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:07,352
♪ Lovin', touchin', squeezin' ♪
300
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,788
Oh, no.
The basement has her.
301
00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:10,955
Listen to me.
302
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,857
We must leave
this place right now!
303
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:21,166
♪ When I'm alone ♪
304
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,700
♪ All by myself ♪
305
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:25,170
Oh, boy.
306
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:29,140
Why so glum, chum?
307
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,309
My wife found out
I was using "Morning Mimosa!"
308
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,811
to control her mind.
309
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:35,713
Marriage -- It's a real
tightrope walk.
310
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,348
Did you mention
your Daytime Emmys?
311
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:38,883
No, I like
to play that cool.
312
00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:40,919
And now she doesn't
believe anything I say.
313
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:43,588
She's embraced all these
crazy conspiracy theories.
314
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,857
UFOs and Bigfoot.
315
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,058
Yeah, and she's
blabbing about them
316
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,827
on some crackpot
radio show.
317
00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:50,528
Today she was going on about
how the government
318
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,897
is watching us poop
through our cellphones.
319
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:55,834
And she's broadcasting
this on the radio?
320
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,902
I have to walk
to my office now.
321
00:13:57,904 --> 00:14:00,738
Goodbye.
Don't follow me.
322
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,374
Project Toilet Cam
has been compromised.
323
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:06,344
We need to eliminate
Francine Smith.
324
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:16,588
This bank of monitors reminds me
of "The Brady Bunch."
325
00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:21,025
Except all these people are
taking craps, not just Alice.
326
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:25,697
♪♪
327
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:31,369
I can't believe
no one's ever tried
328
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,204
stretching the zombie gun
over here!
329
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,372
The other one's
getting away!
330
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,874
Yank that
Sea-doo over here.
331
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,042
Let's run
this down.
332
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:39,477
Sir?
333
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:42,413
Okay, are you in position
at Dave & Buster's?
334
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,716
Yes, sir.
Stan is distracted and happy.
335
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,618
You are clear
to eliminate Francine.
336
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:47,886
Excellent!
337
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,988
And I only mean that
professionally,
338
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:52,457
not because I derive
some sexual pleasure
339
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:53,958
from killing
my friend's wife,
340
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,927
as you're
so heavily implying.
341
00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,899
I needed something like this
to forget about Francine.
342
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,167
Wait, you told him
Francine's getting whacked?
343
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:04,636
Shut up, dumb-ass!
344
00:15:04,638 --> 00:15:05,770
What the hell
is going on?
345
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,772
Dick's buying
me more nachos.
346
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,073
No, with Francine.
347
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,309
Bullock
put a hit on her.
348
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:14,178
My wife's getting killed,
and I'm at Dave & Buster's?
349
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:15,747
We were trying
to protect you!
350
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,283
I don't need to be protected.
I can handle bad news.
351
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,019
-We got to stop him!
-Whoa!
352
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,487
At Dave & Buster's,
353
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,188
we've got the
slippinest-slidinest
354
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:25,790
nachos in the world!
355
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,659
Mm-hmm.
356
00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:29,193
Don't eat 'em!
357
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,830
It's too bad
we didn't get any
358
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:35,033
sweet-ass girls
to come down to the basement.
359
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,601
The girls will come.
360
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:40,872
For now, I've got a sweet-ass
man I can call Dad.
361
00:15:40,874 --> 00:15:42,874
That's a very mature
observation.
362
00:15:42,876 --> 00:15:45,543
I think Del's already having
a great effect on you.
363
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,447
We need to get
the out of here!
364
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,316
I take you into my townhouse,
365
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,484
and this is how you repay me?!
366
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,019
It's not my fault, Del!
367
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:56,888
It was the basement!
368
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:59,624
What did you do?
369
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,392
Phew, thought this
was a goner.
370
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:04,462
All right. Let's beat it
before security gets here.
371
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,331
You ruined it!
372
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:10,802
You ruined it when you
sat on that fish's face!
373
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:12,971
What's happening,
Steve?
374
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,646
Yep, that's a wrap
on Chesterbrook!
375
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,148
♪♪
376
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,318
Let's keep it simple.
Kill Francine on three.
377
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,153
One, two...
378
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,388
St-o-o-o-o-p!
379
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:33,358
Leave my wife alone!
380
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:37,929
I won!
381
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:40,064
For the last time,
I wasn't racing you
382
00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:41,899
and I clearly passed
the mailbox first.
383
00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:43,501
Sir, please...
384
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,871
Smith, I don't want to go to war
with you and your goons!
385
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,273
This is between me
and the woman who uncovered
386
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:50,675
Project Toilet Cam.
387
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,944
Compromising photos
of people on the toilet
388
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,279
are the greatest
ass-et
389
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:57,682
we have
against terrorism.
390
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:58,883
What?
I don't follow.
391
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,952
Think, Smith.
What's the most embarrassing
392
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:02,920
thing you don't
want anyone to see?
393
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,789
You leave my children
out of this!
394
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:07,125
Remember the time
you ate poached salmon
395
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,360
from an Amoco gas station?
396
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,464
Delete that!
I'll do anything you want!
397
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,933
This is why I'm not
worried about ISIS.
398
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,468
Sir, we've searched
the premises.
399
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,037
There's no sign
of Francine Smith
400
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,072
or the Winnebago
she was broadcasting from.
401
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,441
All right team,
regroup at the CIA.
402
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,444
We'll pick her up on satellite.
She can't hide for long.
403
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:30,415
Release the satellite!
404
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:31,816
Great job!
405
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,818
Guys, I talked
to the hunchback,
406
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,620
and he's been
feeling isolated.
407
00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:38,723
Could you maybe make an effort
to be a little nicer to him?
408
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,092
Charles!
Come over here!
409
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,061
Here's a fresh herring
for everyone.
410
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,829
Please, feed it
to the hunchback.
411
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:49,233
So, did everyone catch
the game last night?
412
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:52,270
I see you looking.
413
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,772
It's okay
to ask about the hump.
414
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:57,175
♪♪
415
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,077
Hmm. One day.
416
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,778
Roger, we got to
find Francine!
417
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,780
Oh, she gon'!
When someone that paranoid
418
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,116
takes off, they always
head right off the grid.
419
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:06,851
A grid runner.
420
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:09,120
The first thing
she'll do is hide
421
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:10,621
in a communication
dead zone.
422
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,523
Needle in a haystack,
Stan.
423
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,593
That's the nation's most
comprehensive 4G network.
424
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,595
This ain't Cricket Wireless
we're talking about.
425
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,297
Verizon's the big dog.
426
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,832
Big dogs got to eat.
427
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,800
Is Verizon paying me
to say any of this?
428
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:24,168
There!
429
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:32,643
I'm down to one bar.
Spread out.
430
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:37,515
No signal.
I'm off the grid.
431
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:42,153
Aah!
432
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,321
Huh.
433
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:45,456
Francine,
we need to leave!
434
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,225
The CIA
is coming to kill you!
435
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:50,361
I'm supposed to believe
you're telling me the truth now?
436
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,864
Look, I'm sorry I didn't think
you could handle the real world,
437
00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:54,665
and for executive producing
a hit daytime show
438
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,733
to hide it from you.
439
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,835
Because I'm too fragile?
440
00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,070
That's what I told myself.
441
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:01,205
But when the guys
did it to me today,
442
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,007
I realized they were
being selfish,
443
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:05,743
just keeping me happy
to make their lives easier.
444
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,745
What were they
hiding from you?
445
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,380
The fact that the CIA's
gonna kill you!
446
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:11,315
So one of my theories
was right!
447
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,584
Which was it?
It was the toilet cams.
448
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:14,919
Really?
449
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,821
Not that Papa John
and Peyton Manning
450
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,190
had a sexual relationship
for 17 years?
451
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,494
Francine Smith,
surrender yourself!
452
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:26,264
Look, I shouldn't be trying
to shield you from things,
453
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:27,999
no matter
how bad they are.
454
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,835
I should be getting through
them with you -- Together.
455
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,770
How are we gonna
get through this?
456
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:34,906
Do you trust me?
I do.
457
00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:36,674
Great. Now, I know
this is your bear trap
458
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,276
so I don't want you
to take it personally
459
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:39,710
when I say that I hate it.
460
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,179
It feels awful.
461
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:44,549
Hold your fire!
I'd like to propose a deal!
462
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:45,750
Of course.
463
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:52,290
Kindly step out of the line
of fire to the negotiating area.
464
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,091
Aah!
465
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:58,863
N-o-o-o!
Francine!
466
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,299
What have you done?!
467
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,568
I saved America!
468
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:08,406
Take the weekend
to grieve!
469
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:09,874
Mmm.
470
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,275
This isn't
part of the plan.
471
00:20:11,277 --> 00:20:13,744
No one's gonna believe
I'm Francine's corpse
472
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:15,446
unless they see us
having sex.
473
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,982
All right, that's enough.
474
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,584
Let's make a deal.
475
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:22,787
From now on,
no more lies between us.
476
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:25,089
Right.
And no more conspiracies.
477
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,925
Well,
one more conspiracy.
478
00:20:30,196 --> 00:20:33,431
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
479
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:36,100
I can't believe Stan brought
a date to his wife's funeral.
480
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,802
What a baller!
481
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,973
Yeah, and he certainly
has a type --
482
00:20:41,975 --> 00:20:45,142
Blonde, beautiful,
and named Francine.
483
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:47,511
And now,
the Chesterbrook Quartet
484
00:20:47,513 --> 00:20:50,948
will perform Dead Francine's
favorite song.
485
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:58,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
486
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,958
♪ It starts with ♪
487
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,126
♪ One thing! ♪
488
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,128
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!
488
00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:11,785
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