All language subtitles for Altered.Carbon.S01.WEBRip.264-PBS[ettv]

NARRATOR: For centuries,
life's big questions

have challenged some of the world's
greatest minds.

The need for love, marriage
and lifelong commitment.

(BABY CRIES)
-The yearning to reproduce

and the survival of the human race.

The search for a vocation,

the desire to find happiness

-and the inevitable end death.
-(BELL TOLLS)

(HORNS HONKING)

But, Karl Pilkington has not given
a second thought

to any of these issues.

This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that before.

NARRATOR: Now he's turned 40,
he thinks it's time he did.

(BURPS)

He's travelling around the world

to see how other people deal
with life's big questions.

KARL: We've had the Iron Age, Stone Age.

This is the Pissing-About Age.

(BABY CRIES)

NARRATOR: And to see if the issues
are such a big deal anyway.

In this episode, Karl wants to find out
whether you need a vocation.

Waxing floors, cleaning windows,
got my cock out.

What job is that?

NARRATOR: Should you follow your dreams?

Bloody hell, Kenny.

No! Forget it!

NARRATOR: or, is it just about
earning money and enjoying it?

I don't wanna kiss fish.

What sort of night is this?
I thought it was a classy joint.

NARRATOR: This is The Moaning of Life.

KARL'. Who is the mental in here?
Is it me?

Or everyone else?

It's something that you want to
spend your life doing, innit?

What's your vocation in life?

I don't know.

How do you know

that you want to do that thing
that you pick?

Say, if you're known as, like,
one of the best surgeons,

you can separate Siamese twins
and do brain stuff and all that.

If you want to knock that on the head,

it's harder to walk away, innit?

If you go into the head man
and go "I've had enough of this.

"I'm bored of separating people
and working on brains.

"There's me notice."

They'd be going, "Oh, you can't leave.

"You're one of the best
surgeons in the world."

"I know but I've had enough.
I don't want to do it any more."

"Yeah, but yeah, but there's...
There's only a few of you.

"You've got a gift. Please stay."

And he's sat in that chair,
you know, doing brain work.

And he don't even want to.

I can't think of anything worse

that not being able to get out
of something,

because you're so good at it.

So, in a way,just never be
really good at anything.

Because, it would end up
holding you back, I think.

(HORNS HONKING)

KARL: At the end of the day,
it's your brain, innit,

that decides what your vacation 's
going to be.

And mine, uh, mine hasn't got a clue.

My brain's just full of passwords.

That's all it feels like, at times.

I think that's why
the brain's gone smaller.

It's just full of nonsense up there.

(DOCTOR SPEAKING)

KARL: Doctor, is, is this definitely on?

But, I'm not feeling anything.

KARL: If possible...

Nine.

Four.

KARL: Mm.

If he's saying he picks food
that's good for his brain,

well, it's my brain
that's picking the food that I eat.

So obviously, it's food
that it wants me to have.

It's not like it's another bit of me
saying, "Karl, have a sausage."

My brain's telling me that.

So, in a way, it's...
Uh, everything I eat is brain food.

I've got no say in it, have I?

His brain's, sort of, hungry... It's
hungry for knowledge and what have you.

Mine just wants
sausages or fish fingers.

You're not eating, you're not sleeping.

So, what... What's it all for?

When do you see your wife,
if you're constantly working?

One day?

(DOCTOR SPEAKING)

KARL: Are they popular?

Oh, that must be
your most successful invention.

The, the phone holder?

Smart hand?

Well, I don't like swimming,
do I? I'm not very good at it.

Then he tells me, what you have to do is

basically get close to death,

to come up with a good idea.

It's another part of brain training.

Jump in a pool,
stick your head under,

and hold your breath
for as long as you can.

And, apparently, your brain wakes up.

I'm not getting anything.

Not everyone can have a good brain.

Some of us are numbnuts.

In fact, most of the world... Numbnuts.

And that's how it is, we can't
all be geniuses. And it can't...

The world wouldn't work if we were.

And there's a lot of shitty jobs
in the world, that need doing.

The surgeon thing, I told you,

it's great messing about
with people's brains.

But, at some point,
you're scooping dead brain out

and sticking it in the bin.

Who's emptying that bin?

(SQUEAKING)

So stop aiming high

and just do something useful.

How long was that?

INSTRUCTOR: That was about a minute,
a minute and a half.

I've never done that long.

INSTRUCTOR: What did you
come up with then?

Nothing, I just was amazed at
how long I held me breath.

KARL: Yeah, I think I like
the idea of this Benriya thing.

You know, it's more suited
to the type of brain I've got,

'cause I haven't got a brain like
Dr NakaMats, have I?

You know, I like outside work
in the garden, uh...

(EXHALES) ...painting.

Painting window sills,

skirting board, cleaning windows.

Little jobs, just little jobs around
the outside that I know need doing.

I just don't want to get to that point
where you have a job,

and you're putting stuff right
for everyone else,

but you never have time
to sort your own problems out.

It's kind of like hairdressers,

they make everyone else's
hair look good.

But normally, hairdressers' hair
looks fucking stupid.

Because they don't have time
to do it themselves,

and I suppose they can": cut
their own hair.

If your barber's got a good haircut,
you'd want to ask him where he's going.

It's like Nicky Clarke, innit?

That's why he's
a well-known hairdresser.

He's got terrible hair.

So, this is Benriya,

a sort of odd job man.

He's actually on the phone
taking another job in at the moment.

He can do all sorts, cleaning, painting.

He's fixing stuff now and again.

Little perks.

Get given gifts, you know, from people.

"Cheers for doing that,
do you what this?"

He obviously can't say no.

I mean, you can't move in here.

What was that? What was the job?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

TRANSLATOR: The owner's cat
fell off from the veranda,

into the neighbour's roof.

So the job was to go up
and save the cat.

But if it's their cat and they love it,

why aren't they getting on the balcony
and getting the cat?

Why are they calling you?

TRANSLATOR: They said,
please come urgently.

All in one, I'll put it on.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

It's the right size, innit?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

- BEN: Karl, they found the cat.
- They found it?

BEN: Yeah, they're just saying.

They found it.
It was just in their living room.

Idiots.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that before.

(WHISTLES)

It's 'ca use it's 'trying
to focus on stuff in here.

KARL: The first job
we 're doing is a cleaning job,

now that we know that cat's safe.

But, you know, the exciting thing
with this job is,

you don't know what job's coming next.

How many jobs can you say that about?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

KARL: Hello, how are you?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

When were these last cleaned?
'Cause they're a bit filthy.

It's a bit odd
that she's stood there, watching.

She might as well do it herself.

Looking good? Good?

Good?

Mm.

Cheeky bastard.

It would've been nice
to get offered a brew.

I thought that would've happened
as soon as I come in.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

TRANSLATOR: Please do it properly.

-(GASPS)
- MAN: No, careful, mate.

- I didn't hit it.
- Shh...

This is why it doesn't work.
Why do they have paper?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

BEN: All these little tasks
are done to perfection, aren't they?

Not really. Perfection would be
ripping that A4 paper out

and putting in a new one.

KARL: It's just a bit of a badge, innit?

I think it is the sort of thing
that I could do and be quite happy with.

But, is that classed as a vocation?

See, vocations always have to be
something a bit arty.

Or something a bit worthy.

This is just a job,

that I quite enjoy doing.

Has she got a newspaper?

It's traditional British way.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

That good?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Tell you what, thirsty work, though.
(SIGHS)

Cup of tea.
- Ah.

(LAUGHS)

Well, she's laughing. But she's
not getting her finger out.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I think we're losing our way
a Little bit

at home when it comes to work.

It's all about what you can tell your
mates you're doing, to impress.

I always look at jobs just to see
what new things are coming out.

And there was a Gastro Hygiene
Attendant or something.

Know what it was? Washing up pots.

Washing up... Washing up!

And if that thing of, "We'll make ii
sound good", what's the point?

'Cause it does sound impressive, that.

A Gastro Hygiene Technician
or something.

But then, someone's gonna go,

(STUTTERS) Bloody hell!

"Tell me about it, what do you do?"

"Wash up pots."

You should be chuffed with yourself
that you're not sat on your arse,

just claiming benefit, you're working!

I'll tell you what, though.
He's not short of work, is he?

I mean, that phone of his
hasn't stopped ringing ail morning.

50, he's just gonna go off
and do one jab,

and let me get on with another.

Mann?

Hiya, I'm Karl.

How are you? Fine?

KARL: I'm not doing nude.

See, I, I don't look like that.

That's a very nice look
she's got going on.

- Oh, yea h, thank you.
- I don't look like that.

Could I just have a minute of word,
because I'm not getting nude.

No.

Would you want me nude,
on your wall at home?

- BEN: No.
- Right, and I wouldn't. And it's me.

I don't like looking at all that.

If I take me pants off in there,

they'll quit arts
and take up science or something,

once they've seen me nude.

They won't wanna do it.

MAN: This is what this job is, Benriya.

It's not,
I've never heard of it, honestly.

You've never heard of Benriya?

Have you heard someone going,
"I've had a busy week."

"What you been doing?"

"Waxing floors, cleaning windows,
got my cock out."

What job is that?

(TEACHER SPEAKING)

Are they?

What, me?

I never thought in my head
that I'd ever sort of do some modelling.

You know, just 'cause you, sort of...
I don't know.

You see yourself in the mirror
and you go, "I can't do that."

Who's gonna want to draw that?

They were loving it.

You know what I mean?
I'm like a 1970s Brut advert.

So, it just goes to show that
you never know, really,

what your vocation might be,

because you might sort of
close doors

on stuff that you
wouldn't even consider.

I look good! Have you seen this?

I look all rig ht.

(TEACHER SPEAKING)

I would have that on me wall, actually.

Yeah, yeah, I take back what I said.

The day has been worthwhile.
Stuff's got done.

It's a good feeling, that.

God, they're good,
they're really good.

It's a bit annoying, that the blokes
have made me look good.

The women see me in a different way.

KARL: Well, I'm just on my way
to meet a bloke cal/ed Kenny,

who uh, basically grew up in the slums,

turned his life around
made a load of money,

and now he enjoys spending it.

But, the thing is, you start
earning money, and it doesn't...

I don't know, you can get a bit...

Get a bit daft with it, can't you?

You don't know how
money's gonna affect you.

If I win the lottery tomorrow

and I don't do it, because,
it's too hard, innit? It's impossible...

But, if I did, I do not know
what would happen.

I know there'd be arguments.

I think winning a load of money
would cause headaches at home.

Because Suzanne would have...
She'd be wanting holidays all the time.

And I don": want to go away.
I'm never at home as it is.

At that moment I say,
"We can't afford it,

"we can't afford to go away."

If I win like two million quid
on the lottery,

I can't say we can't afford it,

she'll go, "What are you on about?

"What's the point in having the money
if we're not spending it?"

It's like, "Yeah, but I'm knackered,
I want to stay at home.

"We've bought a nice house,
and we're never in it."

"Oh, no, no, I'm sick of this."

Before you know it, you're falling out
and, you know,

you've ended up with some tart.

It's Karl to see Kenny.

All this security. Are you Kenny?

He is expecting me.

A load of pissing about, innit?

Could you imagine though,
if you're his mate,

you've got to go through this
every time you come to see how he is.

I'd never visit him.

Oh, you're having a laugh!

All right, how're you doing?

Are you Kenny?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Yeah, that's what I've come for, yeah.

What is going on?

I can see him now. I can make my way.
Yeah, that's fine, yeah.

Afternoon. I take it you're Kenny?

Hi, I'm all right, yeah.

(KENNY SPEAKING)

What, what are these,
are these girlfriends? Or...

All right.

I'm burning me head.
Yeah, I'm getting a red head.

Oh, oh, right, you cover it... Yeah.

(KENNY SPEAKING)

KARL: To get all this,
you're not stupid,

so, I don't understand
how you can be happy

handing over £15,000 for a drink.

(KENNY LAUGHS)

I've got some shit on me shoes.

Oh, is he going around?

I climbed across.
I suppose you don't do that.

You don't see the Queen do that, do you?

- Get a taxi.
- But, a cab does not have this comfort.

(STUTTERS) No, honestly it is comfy.
I'll give you that. It's really nice.

Do you know why I'd stress out now?

If I was you, I'd be annoyed,

'cause I bought
this really nice car, right?

It doesn't fit in your garage.
It's hanging out the back.

I'll just roll up my things,
take my shoes off.

All right.

- Sit on the edge.
- Yeah.

I'm like a duck, me.
I'm happy just getting me feet wet.

- Ooh, it's cold.
- Yeah?

- Yeah. Ooh. Fucking hell.
- Is it cold?

Yay!

This scene now, me sat here,
women in the pool, champagne.

Do you want this because you've seen it
in a film, or is it what you want?

KENNY: No, this is what I want.

KARL: Never been a fan of champagne.

I told him. I don't like it
'cause it gives me heartburn.

The other reason I don't like it,
is because you take the cork off.

The cork shot off, didn't it?
What happens if I don't want it all?

Pringles! They say,
"Once you pap you can't stop. ”

Well, they still give you a lid.

I mean, he's got two Porsches,

he's got a Bentley,
he's got that Rolls-Royce,

and he's looking at buying another one.

I mean, he's got more cars
than I've got shoes.

(KENNY SPEAKING)

KARL: I believe you have the one car.

Maybe, all right, get two. Have a van.

A car and a van,
in case you need to shift some things.

Jesus.

Bloody hell, Kenny!

No! Forget it.

That's the first time
he'd seen that car.

He's gone up there and back.

And he's gone, "Yeah, I'll have it."

- How fast's that?
-(CHUCKLES)

I spend longer than that
when I'm buying...

a vac,

I was thinking about buying a Dyson.
They're not cheap.

They're like the top vac.
I looked them up.

Different models, all that,
looking at the reviews.

All right, I've had enough.
Seriously, fuck me.

People were saying the handle on it
wasn't very big to get your hand in.

Does anyone else say that?

Maybe it's just a bloke
with big knuckles.

- That, that isn't funny!
-(CHUCKLING)

I take time before I buy something.

That's part of the enjoyment for me.

I bought it, I'm very happy with it.

It comes with like a wall bracket,
uh, it's wireless,

uh, you plug it in, you get 15 minutes
before you have to plug it in again.

That isn't great, but I've accepted it.

You don't have to get
anywhere that fast.

Just leave the house earlier.

(KENNY SPEAKING)

KARL: He's got an incredible life.

But, you know, look at him today,
he bought that McLaren.

Did you see any sort of
excitement from him?

If I'd bought something like that,

I'd be, I'd be over
the moon all afternoon.

I'd wanna... I'd want to get rid of us,

so I can play out in it.

But, he wasn't like that.
He was like, next.

Let's move on to the next thing.
He wants to show me the township.

In a helicopter.

KARL: Which is weird.

You could have just got on to Google
Maps, looked at Street View.

You don? need to go up in a helicopter.

But, it's Kenny, again, innit?
Taking it like to that next level,

of "Don't do things the simple way."

What's the most expensive,
glamorous way of doing it?

(KENNY SPEAKING)

KARL: Yeah, it's not a dilemma
I've had, that.

(KENNY CHUCKLING)

(KENNY SPEAKING)

So, this is the main living area.

Louis, over here, is your butler.

Literally anything you can think of,
Louis is your guy.

You have a chef here.
He'll prepare anything you want.

You've got a wrap around balcony.

So you got 360 degree views
of the whole of Cape Town.

KARL: Good, innit?
This is what having money is about.

Bit of peace and quiet, good view.

See, you get people at home
who sit on their arse all the time,

and don't want to work.

Then, the funny thing is,
the people who work really hard

they work really hard
so they can sit on their arse.

It's just that you want to sit
on your arse in a nicer surrounding.

We ail just want to sit on our arse.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Some guys have popped in to see you,

they were sent here from Kenny.

WOMAN: Are you ready to look at
some amazing watches?

We have here one of our limited edition
models from Chopard.

Together with uh, Mille Miglia Racing
pen and cufflinks.

- Yeah, I don't wear watches at all.
- You don't wear watches?

Why don't you wear watches?

Er, just because, I've got me phone.

And I really don't need cufflinks.

I don't buy a shirt.
If it don't come with buttons...

I think it's cheeky, that.
I think it's really cheeky!

(STUTTERS)
It's not a finished shirt, is it?

You've got to start buying
buttons for it.

You might as well leave the collar off.

Sell it in bits.

Well, it's a personal preference.

- But uh, we're all different.
- I don't need, uh, a pen.

A pen for me... I always have a pen.

Look.

All the flights I do,
I always take the free pens.

So, that does the job...

It's a beautiful gift, let's say...

- That some people appreciate, yes.
- For some people, that's fine, yeah.

How much is that watch,
on its own, without the pen?

Ninety nine thousand.

And how much is this one?

It's around a 171,000 Rand.

It sort of annoys me a little bit,

that these people who are paying...
paying that for a watch.

Well, you would be surprised,

some people can actually appreciate

urn, the research, the study.
Because, watch making is an art.

It used to be, I mean,
it's not hard now.

- We've got men on the moon.
- It is.

Bleedin' hell, look at the size of that!

BEN: How much is that one?

Ah, it'll be something stupid,
no point in asking.

So, thanks for coming. Bell's going.

- So, we should leave you.
- Maggie? Yeah, thank you very much.

- It was nice to meet you.
- Cheers. I'm ready now.

Good luck selling them.

(SHAKILY) No, no, it's all right.
Yeah, honestly.

Having this done is quite nice.

What I've seen today,
I've seen on billboards.

You buy some of these men's magazines.
That's all it is, innit?

Advert after advert,
some bloke in a pair of trunks,

with a watch on, in the rain.

Uh, it doesn't...
I don't look at it and go,

"Ah... (GASPS) One day."

You've got a cup of tea, there?

No, that's fine. That's ideal, that.

It's lovely.

Well, thank you very much.

This just goes to show, doesn't it?

You can have so much money
that you don't know what to do with it,

and then you just end up buying crap.

On Bond Street, there's some bags
made out of...

ostrich!

Stuff like that.

It's just surprising, all the fuss
that Noah went to,

saving the animals two by two,

and they're making
a handbag out of ostrich.

He wasted his time, didn't he?

- Louis.
- LOUIS: Yes.

Do you want to shoot off?

KARL: No, no, no,
but you could go, if you want.

I haven't got anything
that I need doing, honestly.

You can call it a day.

KARL: See you later, Louis.

You don't have a butler these days.

I felt like I had to give him
stuff to do

because he's there and that's his job.

But, I've got nothing for him to do.

At one point I was thinking
of sending him out for a Twix.

Batman.

He's the only man
who I've seen with a butler

and I thought, "Oh yeah,
he probably needs one."

'Cause he's being called out, isn't he,
sorting out problems?

He hasn't got time to make sure he's got
food in the fridge and everything.

Other than that,

I don't know what
I've learnt from this, really.

All I know is I don't want
anything really expensive.

But, I like the views,
the naturalviews.

I've got everything I need.
A city view, sea, Table Mountain.

That's what's good about this.

If it didn't have any windows,
pretty horrible, wouldn't it?

So, I'm relying on nature.
You can't beat nature, can you?

And that doesn't cost anything.

Could you just look behind me my ears?

'Cause sometimes they're a bit sore.
It's like they're dry.

Just right behind the ear.

Is it cracked? Cracked skin?

This is where I'm going to meet Gayton,
He's going to teach me how to hustle.

Nobody has hustling
as a vocation, do they?

Think it's what you do
when times are tough,

when things aren't quite working out,
and you need some money.

(GAYTON SPEAKING)

KARL: What,
for you and Kenny as well?

Yeah, no, I did a little bit of
sort of buying and selling as a kid.

- How much did you pay?
- Three hundred.

How about a little bit less?
'Cause I'm only here for a few days.

I've never been before and I might come
back on holiday and buy some more fish.

How about a little bit less, though?

Oh, I don't know about this. Is there
any other fish markets around here?

Oh, I've got to go,
I'm getting a better deal.

I was thinking 26.

You really can't?

All right, I believe her. Her eyes...
Her eyes are good.

- Is it?
- Yeah. All right, let's pay the, uh...

Forty five?

She's changing the rules there.

Right, well, hang on then.

Look, I'll tell you what.
I want 40 quid's worth of fish.

So, how much is that in Rand?

BEN: Four hundred rand.

I want 400,000 pounds'
worth of fish, cut up...

BEN: Four hundred thousand pounds?

Four hundred thousand rand.

- BEN: No, you don't!
- All right, what do I want?

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm not...

Look, I said I'm a hustler,
I'm not a mathematician.

(LAUGHTER)

Tell you what, that's some weight.

So do I have to carry this
around with me?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

At the end of the day,
the way I look at sales is,

they either want a fish or they don't.

Simple as that. People make out
it's harder than it is.

Snook! Want some snook?

- Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello, hello.

Du gnu wank same snark?
Eighty five a fish.

KARL: It's a nice one. Look at that.

I can sell. you one 'For... For 80.

Do you want to buy sneak??

You get paid Friday?

Yeah, all right.

My back's killing me.

Can you carry that, can you?
just a bit heavy on me own.

BEN: What's happening here?

KARL: She knows the area.

You employed her?

Yes.

Fresh snook.

Look at that. Please look at that.

KARL: It's got too much what
for the children?

I didn't do it. It was another bloke.

I'm sick of this.
It's not happening, is it?

Look, I can't make it cheaper.
I paid 50!

I paid 50 for a fish!

I can't sell it cheaper than that.

I know. But that's in the centre.

You gotta get on a bus.
How much is that gonna cost?

It's not cheaper. It won't be cheaper.

You gotta get a bus there.
You gotta get a bus back.

(GIRL SPEAKING)

[can't drop the price.
It's not gonna happen.

The lowest I can do is 50!

So if you wanna buy one for 50,
we can talk.

Making me feel like a right tit.

That's hustling.

Buying something for cheap,
selling it for more.

It's business actually, it's not
hustling, that's business, innit?

That's how you do business.

Gayton, it's not happening.

No one's got any money.
They got paid last Friday, or something.

- Uh... Who is this?
- I don't know how Gayton managed it.

They're probably scared of him.

Look at the size of him.

If he came knocking on your door and
said buy some fish, you'd buy some fish.

(GAYTON SPEAKING)

(BAFFLED) I do?

It wouldn't work at home.
There's no way in this world

you'd be allowed to just
earn money just like that.

There's always someone
there now, with a clipboard.

Ever since clipboards have come out.
That's created hassle, hasn't it?

Anyone with a clipboard,
it's never good news.

Will she buy him back off me
at the market?

Never?

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

You're not gonna get any entre...
What's it called, entrepreneurs?

It's not gonna happen at home.

'Cause there's too much hassle.

You try and you got someone
there slapping your arse.

"Get back down again.
Who do you think you are?"

That's why they have
to go on the Dragon's Den.

The Dragon's Den wasn't around years
ago. You could just get on with it.

But now you can't do anything
unless you got Duncan Bannatyne.

I was rubbish.
I know I wasn't very good.

All right. Good one.

See you later on.

I don't know.
I don't know if it is better than...

...not trying, really.
'Cause I'm actually out of pocket.

It's a nice, sort of, fable
that he came up with there,

but it's definitely not better
than staying at home.

And I've got a lot of old fish
that I gotta get shot of.

Do you want a free fish?

I don't.

Gayton wants to take me out clubbing.

Me own fault, 'cause I said, "You know,
you still haven't told me what you do."

He said, "All right,
I'm gonna take you out

"you'll see what we do, we run a club."

It's annoying 'cause I'm in
this place, which I really like.

Five grand a night.
I've hardly been here.

Flogging fish all day.
That's why I'm washing me hands.

They stink.

There used to be a girl at school
called Tracy. She worked in a chippy.

She always stunk of fish.

It's bad that, innit?

That's when your job really is,
sort of, taking over your life, innit?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(LOUD CHATTERING)

Yeah, all right.

What is it?

What's all this about?

Right.

All right. Yeah.

Honestly, I'm all right. I can get...

What's it all about?

I don't wanna eat off of a woman.
I don't even know her name.

What's your name?

Pam. Very nice to meet you.

Don't... Don't be offended...

- I just don't want to be...
- She's not offended.

PEN: I am.

Well, let me get
to know her a bit first.

If I'm going to eat food off her tits,
let me get to know her.

I mean, is that what it's come to?

Look how I struggled
today, ?ogging fish.

Look how difficult, look what you
got to do to get people to have fish.

Maybe later.

Why? What's the rush?

Well, that's why it
should be in a fridge.

It's not about killing me.
I just don't like sushi.

I don't wanna kiss fish.

What sort of night is this?
I thought it was a classy joint.

12 hours on a plane.

Over 5000 miles, ail this way.
You got me licking fish.

Not at this... Not...
I don't wanna do it.

Fucking hell.

- Is it a good earner?
- Yeah.

- What are the hours like?
- Well, it depends.

Any perks? Do you get to take
home what hasn't been eaten or...

(LAUGHING)

Don't laugh. You're gonna lose a bit.

It is weird how it's,
sort of, come to that.

I don't know if it's because now there's
too many people in the world

and they've just got to come up
with more and more jobs

'cause the population's

just mental, isn't it?

That's why you got women lying down,
food all over them,

all you can eat buffet.

Because all the normal jobs
have been taken up.

The national lottery on the telly.

Like three people to select six balls.

So unnecessary.
You got a bloke there with a clipboard,

a fella with a white glove and a bloke
to hit the button on the machine.

Three people to select six numbers.

The world's gone mental.

In terms of vocation and different
jobs in the world, it is a job.

Sort of better than sitting on your arse
but she is sitting on her arse.

But she's being paid for it. That's what
I said at the start of the day.

And that's what we all
want really, isn't it?

I just didn't wanna lick the fish.

So, what I want to see today is,
you know,

this whole thing of coming
to America and living the dream

and doing whatever job you want to do.

I want to see if that is true.

I want to look at a job that, in a way,
I know, deep down, I'm not cut out for

and I wanna see how
I'd get on at doing that job.

BEN'. So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna have a go at...

being a model.

Like a proper... Proper model.

I don't mean like
the modelling I did in japan.

The Benriya thing.
Sort of half nude modelling.

I'm talking catwalk model.

That is a job, innit, that...

it doesn't matter how much
you wanna do it,

if you haven't got the look,

they're not gonna let you do it.

So what' ll happen is,
she'll come out...

Boom. Walk.

That's what I'm talking about. Ow, ow!

We're making them all walk
right now and we'll see timing.

We'll see how they're going
about it and then we'll put you

into the mix towards the end
and you can test it out.

Click, click, click, click
click, click, click!

- So, don't smile, then?
- Not smiling.

- Just... just...
- But you're not scowling either.

So, how would you describe that to me,
how to do that face? What is it?

I tell them to think about
smiling without smiling.

- Smile without smiling.
-(CHUCKLES) Think about it.

No caveman. Keep it upright.

-Your mouth doesn't need to be open.
-(STUTTERS) It always is.

Keep your arms simple.

So, remember you're a half step
in front of her.

No over swinging. Relax.

- It looks like you're furring a, like...
- Ah!

- Try not to swing your arms so much.
- All right.

Would you give me a gig? With that head?

Probably not.
I probably wouldn't book you.

- Gets a little monkey.
- A little bit monkey.

He's saying go out and be confident.

How can I be confident
when he just said that?

You got arms of a monkey.

Why say that? If he wants me
to walk out there tonight

really like confident,
I've got that going around my head.

I've got arms of a monkey.
Cheers. Brilliant.

If I nailed this walk...

Why is this bit so important to you?
If they should be looking at that bit.

You are creating...

something beyond for these people...

And if you present it in such a way
that's like, I want to wear that...

I wanna feel like that.
I wanna be like that.

But I'm never gonna be like that.

I've got a fat head. There's nothing
I can do about it. It's not my fault.

I can do nothing about this.
This was created by me mam and dad.

I've done nothing towards this.

Even if! wanted
to have a thinner head...

Say, if! really, really
wanted to be a model,

how do you go about
losing weight off your head?

No one's ever brought out a DVD.

"Have you got a fat head?

"Do the workout."
What do you do? All this here.

That's Twix and lemon muffins.

What workout?

What can you do?

By the end of the day,
he didn't like it, did he?

It was sort of saying he just...
"I wouldn't book you."

Those were his words.
"I wouldn't book you."

So there you go.
So if I wanted to be a model,

I couldn't be a model.

So, you know, sometimes,
there's no point chasing your dreams.

(IN DISTINCT TALKIN G)

- BEN: What's wrong with the crotch?
- I don't know.

I don't know why that's...

I mean, for me, it's handy.
They're all laughing in there,

saying "Oh, you're a bit old
to be a model."

I'm 40.1% you get older,
your balls drop. Right?

If there's one man in there who
should be wearing these pants, it is me.

Honestly, I'm touching cloth there.

Oh, my gosh! It's amazing.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. That's awesome.

Yes!

- Really?
- So good.

- So good?
- Yeah. It really is.

So would you give me a job or...

You... I'm going
to let you look in a mirror.

- That's really slick.
- It's sharp. Oh, my gosh.

Okay. Yes.

- What, are you happy then?
- I'm really excited.

Can you just step back
to the dressing room and walk?

- Yeah, we're golden. We're golden.
- Oh, my gosh, yes.

Initially, he wasn't convinced.

Suddenly, I've put his suit on,
he's over the moon.

I finished the walk.
He was happy with it.

He was going, "You rocked it."

(APPLAUDING)

- Congratulations!
- Yeah! We did it!

- It was beautiful.
- Thank you, thank you so much.

- Happy, josh?
- WOMAN: I'm so proud of you.

Yes! It was so good. I saw you walking
down and I was like, "He did it."

He did it. He learned and then...
Thanks to everybody.

Seriously, good job.

(APPLAUDING)

Good one. Thanks to everyone.

I had no idea I could do this as a job.

It wasn't even in me head
before we started this trip.

Being a model.

So...

What have I learned?
I've just learned that you've...

Give anything a go.

If an opportunity comes along,
give it a go, 'cause you never know.

When I was in Cape Town and I met Pam,

the sushi girl, I had never
heard of that job before.

Not everybody likes fish.

So I've opened it up.
Like a... It's the Buffetman.