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1
00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:47,739
Joel:
Say, another tidbit of trivia.
2
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Hitler, had only one ball.
3
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,777
-(laughing)
-Oh it's absolutely true.
4
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,145
-Adolf Hitler...
-You're possessed.
5
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:54,646
-one testicle.
-Hitler's balls.
6
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,515
That's probably why he was
in such a bad mood all the time.
7
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:57,649
-(laughing)
-Yeah, I guess
8
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:58,884
the other one got ate-off.
9
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:00,185
(all talking)
10
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:03,188
-That's a funny Nazi joke.
-Pay attention, you'll laugh.
11
00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:06,358
Hey, you know what?
Isaac here has seven testicles.
12
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,393
-No kidding!
-Thank you very much.
13
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,429
-Wow. That's great!
-One for each day of the week?
14
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:12,731
Isaac: My underpants are like
a sack of red russet potatoes.
15
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,334
-My brother has four nipples.
-That's so cute.
16
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,236
Two are sensitive
and the others ones
17
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,705
-are just kind of... extra.
-You have your genitals, right,
18
00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:21,807
or did you lose them in some
horrible dradel accident?
19
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,242
Maybe that's him
and his nipples.
20
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,776
How do you lose your nipples
in a dradel accident?
21
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,445
-Need help?
-I'm fine, thanks.
22
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,115
-Art! You made it.
-Oh, I'm late?
23
00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,950
No, no, no, no...
that's all right.
24
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,752
The copyright thing, it's done.
25
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,454
You want that title?
-It's yours.
26
00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:37,789
Sophie: Art.
So glad you could make it.
27
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,359
-You look great.
-Thank you.
28
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,960
Oh, just a little token
of gratitude.
29
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:44,062
-Oh! Wow!
-Oh. My Lord.
30
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,464
Cocktail onions. Honey look.
31
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:46,932
-Cocktail onions.
-Cocktail onions.
32
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,434
-That's so thoughtful of you.
-They're great with peas.
33
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,270
I'm going to put
this in the kitchen.
34
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,871
Make sure he meets everybody.
35
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,506
What can I get you to drink?
36
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,475
-Uh... wine?
-Art: Yeah, sure.
37
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,544
Gang! I'd like you to meet
my friend Art.
38
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,913
He's a client of mine.
He's a fabulous writer.
39
00:03:00,915 --> 00:03:02,314
He's a good guy.
40
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,715
This is Sam, this is Sam.
41
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,783
-Hi.
-Sam.
42
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:05,951
-Sam and Sam.
-Yes.
43
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,819
Which one is Sam
and which one is Sam...
44
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:10,088
Uh... never heard that one.
45
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,190
I'm sure, yes.
46
00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:13,292
I know,
it's a little bit too cute,
47
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,893
but what can you do, it happens.
48
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,261
You can call me Sammie.
49
00:03:16,263 --> 00:03:17,863
-Sammie.
-Yes.
50
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,431
-Cute.
-Hey Art... Isaac.
51
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,666
Isaac! How are you?
52
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,301
-My wife Claudia.
-Hi, nice to meet you.
53
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:23,368
Nice to meet you.
54
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,070
I'm the only one
who's not married.
55
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,806
Oh... no, no, no, no,
we're not married.
56
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,708
-Yet! We're... doing it.
-Yet.
57
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,376
Oh, oh, oh, I see...
58
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,945
-Really?
-Yeah, we're doing IT.
59
00:03:32,947 --> 00:03:35,747
(everybody laughing)
60
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,918
Well... you are pregnant,
aren't you?
61
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,720
Did ah, did I just make ah...
62
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,921
(laughing)
63
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,023
Is this a tumor or
goiter or something?
64
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,225
Jeez!
65
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,392
Isaac: There will be
no goitering there!
66
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,493
Art: The fact of the
matter is that
67
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:52,731
we all live in a constant
state of collective denial.
68
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,033
Sammie: (laughing)
Denial of what?
69
00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:57,336
Everything.
70
00:03:57,338 --> 00:04:00,072
I mean, do you really believe
when you walk into a restaurant,
71
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,874
that everyone in the kitchen
has clean hands?
72
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,110
You have to know that
the waiter
73
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,346
just plucked his shorts
out of the crack of his ass--
74
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:10,349
Stop it! Art. That is so gross.
75
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:13,185
Or the cook is diggin'
right in his ear before he--
76
00:04:13,187 --> 00:04:15,053
Sam: It would never happen
in our restaurant.
77
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,955
That's it.
Now stop!
78
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,957
Thank God for denial,
79
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,593
because then we don't have
to think about things like that.
80
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,429
Claudia: You know, I was doing
this photoshoot the other day.
81
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:27,566
And it was two basset
hounds getting married.
82
00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:30,769
And everything was so adorable,
until the groom tried to
83
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,804
hump this poodle
that was the maid of honor.
84
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,040
Sammie: Oh. Uh-oh,
did the bride get jealous?
85
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,942
No, actually,
I think she was too busy
86
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,510
sniffing the best man's ass
to notice.
87
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:39,645
(laughing)
88
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,813
Joel:
All right! That was just lovely!
89
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,749
That is because dogs
90
00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:46,418
do not have
the artificial restraints
91
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,454
put on their biological needs
that we people do.
92
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:52,190
What do you mean
"artificial restraints"?
93
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,759
Art:
It's another one of the denials.
94
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,794
Probably the most rampant one.
95
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,997
The monogamy denial.
96
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,033
The monogamy denial.
97
00:05:01,035 --> 00:05:03,869
That sounds like a great title
for your next book.
98
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:06,371
What! You don't
believe in monogamy?
99
00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:09,841
I think that monogamy
is not natural.
100
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:13,845
It's not necessary and I really
don't even think it exists.
101
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,380
At least not in practice.
102
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:19,384
It turns otherwise
honorable people into liars.
103
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:21,219
With the exception
of this group of course.
104
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:22,587
Claudia:
Wait a minute. Are you...
105
00:05:22,589 --> 00:05:25,090
are you insinuating
that we not monogamous?
106
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:27,025
I mean,
what the hell do you know?
107
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,430
All right, fine you're right.
108
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,765
No one ever cheats.
109
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:37,235
Sex with your spouse gets
better and better and better
110
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:39,638
with every year of marriage.
111
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,774
And men really are just
working late at the office.
112
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,944
-Everyone feel better?
-You are a complete simpleton.
113
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:48,580
Art: My... Defensive.
Do I smell hypocrisy?
114
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:49,715
Oh! Fuck you!
115
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,750
Joel: Whoa, whoa, hey, hey,
this is a dinner party,
116
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,418
we're supposed to be
having fun.
117
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,753
Let's have some fun,
it's a beautiful night.
118
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:55,954
Sorry.
119
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,456
Joel: Can we just
talk about, you know...
120
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,491
-something more light hearted?
-Art: Yes, that's a great idea.
121
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,059
Let's skirt all real issues.
122
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,028
-Let's talk about fishing.
-Joel: No, I... come on...
123
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,863
...no one skirts any issues.
124
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,932
There's certain things
people don't like to talk about.
125
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:12,471
People cheat. Like it or not,
it happens all the time.
126
00:06:13,307 --> 00:06:17,109
Perhaps that's why they don't
like to talk about it.
127
00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:19,144
All I know is
when you find the woman
128
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,680
that you wanna spend
the rest of your life with,
129
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:24,783
you don't want to cheat.
Trust me on that.
130
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,486
Ah, you are so sweet.
131
00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:31,022
I don't know.
132
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:32,691
Maybe some men do cheat,
133
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,693
but I don't think most men do,
134
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,228
and women certainly don't.
135
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:39,331
Well, I agree there,
women certainly cheat less,
136
00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:43,435
but the male animal
is like a sex crazed dog.
137
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:46,772
When they're not having sex,
they want sex,
138
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,774
they think about sex.
139
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:51,076
They dream about sex.
140
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,445
Sex with lots of women.
141
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:56,648
It's programmed into them.
It's biological.
142
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,184
Blame it on biology.
That's perfect excuse.
143
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,086
Men are not different
than that Basset Hound
144
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,188
who was screwing the bridesmaid
at his own wedding.
145
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,623
-Ugh! That's disgusting.
-Claudia: Art,
146
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:07,492
just because you are obviously
a sex crazed
147
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:11,763
degenerate pig, doesn't mean
that all men are the same.
148
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,498
Who is this guy anyway?
149
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,467
Art:
Men are men.
150
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,836
You know, this is like
the stupidest conversation
151
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,905
I've never been forced
to listen to.
152
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:22,174
I'm sorry,
I'm just trying to be honest.
153
00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:24,509
Joel: Cigars! Who...
who wants a cigar?
154
00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:26,411
Thank you,
but we really have to go.
155
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:28,013
-No, no.
-We're gonna call a cab.
156
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,314
Sophie:
Sweetie, don't go.
157
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,882
Sammie:
Guys, this has been so nice.
158
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,118
Sam: She needs to get
some sleep, she's really tired.
159
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,753
Sophie:
You guys, it's so early.
160
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:37,522
Claudia: Oh, it was great,
thanks, so much.
161
00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:39,090
Sophie:
Well, I'm gonna walk you out.
162
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,525
Sammie:
This is delicious.
163
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,061
Joel:
Drive safe.
164
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,396
Great dinner, Soph.
165
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:48,800
(sighs)
166
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,707
Isaac:
He's a jerk.
167
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,376
You being upset right now
is exactly what he wants.
168
00:07:58,378 --> 00:07:59,811
Sweetie, the longer
you stay angry,
169
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,346
the longer he wins.
170
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,181
Yeah, but he just rattles off
171
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,684
these ridiculous platitudes
like they were facts.
172
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,285
He has a Napoleon complex.
173
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:10,322
"All couples cheat".
"All men are dogs".
174
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,724
All this. All that.
And did you...
175
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:13,992
did you see that jacket?
176
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,528
Sweetie,
the guy's stuck in the 70's.
177
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:21,766
Um, excuse me... Azar.
178
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:22,901
Yes, missus.
179
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:24,536
Can I ask you
a personal question?
180
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:25,704
Okay.
181
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,405
-Are you married?
-Oh, yes.
182
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,807
Now be honest.
183
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,575
And you can be perfectly
straightforward with me,
184
00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:33,245
because we'll never see
each other again.
185
00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:35,213
Have you ever
cheated on your wife?
186
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,414
All the time.
187
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,819
-Really?
-I can't get enough.
188
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,631
Sam: I personally find it
very offensive
189
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,600
that he would lump me into the
cesspool of male cynicism.
190
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:59,371
Sammie: Ugh! Please!
The cynicism was all a cover-up.
191
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,106
You know, I bet that he had
some kind of
192
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,741
really bad love experience.
193
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,876
-Probably.
-No, seriously.
194
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,012
I mean, it just felt
like everything he said
195
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,747
stemmed from some kind of...
196
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,949
I don't know,
some kind of deep pain.
197
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,151
Sammie:
Couldn't you feel that?
198
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,587
I think he was just
crying out for help.
199
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,122
I think he's full of shit.
200
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,492
Sam:
Deep pain.
201
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:24,129
I don't know, maybe I am
in complete denial
202
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,997
like Art says.
203
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,633
Are all men just
slaves to their biology?
204
00:09:28,635 --> 00:09:30,135
Uh come on, don't be ridiculous.
205
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,304
You really don't know
the answer to that question?
206
00:09:32,306 --> 00:09:35,540
No. You cheated
on your first wife.
207
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,143
(laughing) That, ah...
That's completely different.
208
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:41,813
-How?
-I was cheating with you.
209
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,616
-The love of my life.
-(giggles)
210
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:46,217
(moans)
211
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:49,688
(heavy moan of pleasure)
212
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:54,793
(moans and laughing)
213
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:57,996
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
214
00:09:57,998 --> 00:10:00,465
Oh God! Can't believe the time.
215
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:03,068
I've got a photoshoot
in less than half an hour.
216
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,903
Uh, uh.
217
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,705
Just blow in off
and fuck all day.
218
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:09,341
-Yeah right. You wish!
-Stop! I'm gonna pee.
219
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,410
Claudia:
You think I look old, don't you?
220
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,113
Isaac:
What are you talking about?
221
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:18,049
Well, I mean...
look at me, I look ninety.
222
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,853
I think you look nineteen.
223
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:25,690
Oh... You think I should
get these lines filled in?
224
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,225
Right here.
225
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,393
You kidding?
226
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,062
Well no, I mean it's
very safe now.
227
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,732
They use the fat from your ass.
228
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,401
God knows I've got enough
of that build me whole new head.
229
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:37,902
Fishing for compliments today?
230
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:38,970
-Huh? Huh?
-What?
231
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,305
(makes fishing noise)
232
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:43,308
-Okay, yeah, maybe, maybe.
-Want to go fishing?
233
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,944
(breathing heavily)
234
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,716
I think you look
more beautiful now than ever.
235
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:53,885
Oh.
236
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,825
Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm late.
237
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,627
The judge had a panic attack
and we had to wait
238
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:04,729
for his girlfriend
to bring his medication.
239
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:06,097
Mr. Richmond called.
240
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,932
He's hoping you can get
another postponement.
241
00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:09,768
-Ha! Ha!
-Mrs. Yettie called.
242
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,369
-She wants to drop the suit.
-No.
243
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,704
You should call her right away.
244
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,472
She wants to drop the suit. Why?
245
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:15,874
Because she's feeling guilty.
246
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:18,977
Guilty? A bus runs over
her feet and she feels guilty?
247
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:21,079
And your brother's waiting
for you in the office.
248
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,149
Oh...
249
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:25,350
Joel:
Great.
250
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:32,657
-Uh... you're late?
-Do you mind?
251
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,293
Come on! We gotta
make this quick
252
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,529
-I'm backed up today.
-Try bran.
253
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:40,231
That's funny. That's really
funny, Reuben. What?
254
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,499
Hurry up. What is it?
255
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,301
You know, Joel,
just because I'm your brother,
256
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,036
doesn't mean I'm not a client.
257
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,304
Reuben:
Just like everybody else.
258
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,807
No you're not.
You're not like everybody else.
259
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,775
Everybody else pays me money.
260
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:52,143
Joel: What the hell
happened this time?
261
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,446
All right. Well, there might be
262
00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:57,148
a tiny assault
and battery case that
263
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,684
-may be waged against me.
-Again?
264
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,352
This time was different, Joel.
265
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:02,954
This time it was self defense,
I swear to God!
266
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:05,757
-It was self defense!
-Jesus, let's hear it.
267
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:11,696
Well... I'm on this date,
with this really hot chick.
268
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,733
Right. What's her name?
269
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:16,801
Puddles.
270
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:21,773
-That's her name, Puddles?
-It's cute, isn't it?
271
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,275
She another one of your, uh...
your fat girls?
272
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:26,778
Watch it!
273
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,813
I'm sorry, that was rude.
Go on.
274
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:30,815
So...
we're in this ice cream parlor--
275
00:12:30,817 --> 00:12:32,784
Do you actually
have sex with these women?
276
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,487
Yes. I do.
277
00:12:35,489 --> 00:12:38,423
Uh, Joel, let me tell
you something, okay?
278
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,025
Reuben:
Sex with fat women
279
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:43,228
is one of the great
secret treasures
280
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,997
of our sexually
repressed society.
281
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:50,668
To be entirely engulfed,
smothered in female flesh,
282
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:53,671
like a water bed
of tissue and love...
283
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:56,941
Ah! Ugh! Enough. Enough.
284
00:12:56,943 --> 00:13:00,111
Thanks. Just...
tell me your little story.
285
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:03,915
Right, anyhow, this guy is just
staring at us with this look.
286
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,216
And I know what he's thinking.
287
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,051
He's thinking
we're a couple of freaks
288
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:10,188
because my date
happens to be a tad overweight.
289
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,123
Right. So I say "Hey!
290
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,926
What the fuck
are you looking at? Huh?
291
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:19,597
I suppose you think
my date is too fat for you!"
292
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:20,965
Reuben:
Anyway, he stands up.
293
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,434
I punch him as hard as I can.
Right in the face.
294
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,937
And that's when the cops come.
It's a big mess.
295
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:27,405
Whatever.
296
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:31,876
You see...
that's not self defense, Reuben.
297
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:34,879
-That's you being an asshole.
-No. That is self defense.
298
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:37,749
He stood up,
I took that as a direct threat.
299
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,252
Alright. I'll uh...
300
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,654
I'll look over
the police report.
301
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,256
I'll see what I can do.
But in the mean time,
302
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:48,560
please, keep your hands
in your pockets!
303
00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:50,662
-My brother. You are a prince.
-Don't.
304
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,897
You are a king among men.
305
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:54,833
-Joel, I love you, my brother.
-Don't! Stop!
306
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:56,768
Stop! Stop! Stop,
with the kissing.
307
00:13:56,770 --> 00:13:58,570
-Jeez!
-Joel, I don't want you to think
308
00:13:58,572 --> 00:14:00,538
that I don't appreciate all
the work you do for me.
309
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:03,708
-I'm sure you do.
-And um, I can't really afford
310
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,710
-to pay you anything right now.
-Oh.
311
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,812
Uh, but I have
something else for you.
312
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:10,448
I got two tickets
to the hockey game.
313
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:16,054
Thursday night, great seats,
easily worth fifty bucks.
314
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:19,357
Ah, that's uh,
that's very nice of you.
315
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,959
Thank you very much, Reuben.
316
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:22,393
I'll give them to you
for twenty.
317
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:25,029
-No, give them to me for free.
-Hey!
318
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:27,131
Yeah Dawn, has Sophie called?
319
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:28,666
Dawn:
No, Mr Gold.
320
00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:30,134
Oh... thanks.
321
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:34,372
We were, uh,
maybe gonna have lunch today.
322
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,541
Guess she forgot.
323
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,043
Oh, my God.
324
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:42,347
That is the biggest penis
325
00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:45,350
I have ever seen
in my entire life.
326
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:49,821
And just think... that's limp.
327
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:53,258
Unreal.
328
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:58,229
Dr. Taft: Take a good long look.
The human body.
329
00:14:58,498 --> 00:14:59,864
We've been talking
about it now
330
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,100
for the last couple
of semesters.
331
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,401
Reading about it.
332
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,671
Lots of pictures.
333
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,873
But today, ladies and gentlemen,
334
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,509
today, we have the real thing.
335
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,780
Congratulations
on your first cadavers.
336
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,949
Ugh! They stink!
337
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:20,451
Ah yes. Well,
that will be the formaldehyde.
338
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,187
But don't you worry,
it gets a lot worse with time.
339
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:24,722
(chuckles)
340
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,625
Now look, I know this is a
new experience for all of you.
341
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,394
But if you're going
to be doctors,
342
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,996
you're going to have
to dive in head first.
343
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:35,700
And get past this rather
unpleasant first part.
344
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,336
As I have every
confidence you will.
345
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,608
Great scott!
346
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,144
Would you look
at the size of that thing!
347
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,179
I know, it's huge.
348
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:49,380
Uh, um, a ruler.
349
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,149
Some-- somebody get me
a ruler. Quickly.
350
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:55,720
(applause)
351
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:56,988
Ernie.
352
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,190
In the twenty three years
of our marriage,
353
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:04,128
I have never, never,
354
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,464
(crying)
had an orgasm with you.
355
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,633
Wha-- wha-- wha--
356
00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:11,436
Haven't you ever heard...
357
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:13,938
"Thou shall not lie"? Bitch!
358
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:16,641
Audience:
Oooooo, ohhhhh,
359
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:21,346
TV Host: It seems to me that you did keep Ernie...
360
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,513
Bonnie:
I'm here!
361
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,515
Hey, I'm in the living room!
362
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:26,117
Bonnie:
Come on in, Hank.
363
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,219
I'm wearing my painting smock.
364
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,188
Just ready to work. Hi!
365
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,891
Look who's here, is that Sammie?
366
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,094
Jason. Let's go over here.
367
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,528
Sweetie?
368
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,297
Stay right here, and you
guys are going to play here
369
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:40,698
nice and quiet.
370
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,601
And mommy's going to
help Sammie paint, huh?
371
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:46,838
Here you go. Come on Hank,
you help Jason with the puzzle.
372
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,773
Oh sweetie! Oh honey.
373
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,509
Oh Sammie!
This place is so cute!
374
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,378
I know it. Isn't it great?
375
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:56,114
Sammie: Oh! I can't believe
we're neighbors.
376
00:16:58,585 --> 00:16:59,851
-Hey! It's Miles.
-I'm sorry about that.
377
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,786
Oh I love Miles.
378
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:05,189
Now we at the Miles Dougal show, appreciate your honesty...
379
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,491
Okay, okay, this woman
has just confessed
380
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:10,528
that she's faked every orgasm
for the last twenty three years.
381
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,263
-Miles: Ernie, do you have...
-And this is a revelation?
382
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:15,600
...anything, what so ever, to confess to Pearl?
383
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:19,404
No.
384
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:24,175
-Ernie never lies.
-Ernie: That's right.
385
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,443
Chicken.
386
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,111
Well, we have a little surprise for you.
387
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,881
It's Doogy Cam time.
388
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,719
Roll it!
389
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:38,923
Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.
390
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:42,126
Hold on gang. I... I believe
391
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:45,229
that this is the church picnic
392
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:49,333
that Ernie told you he was going on last Wednesday.
393
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,070
Oh.
394
00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:54,505
That isn't me.
395
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:56,641
Sammie, don't get married.
396
00:17:56,643 --> 00:17:59,310
-Ugh! Please!
-I'm serious.
397
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,179
Call it off before
it's too late.
398
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,047
Oh! Come on.
The people on those shows
399
00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:04,549
aren't for real.
I mean it's like
400
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,017
pro-wrestling, it's fixed.
401
00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:09,053
I'm just trying to save you from
a really big heartache later on.
402
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,155
I mean, I'm a prime
example Sammie. Look at me.
403
00:18:11,157 --> 00:18:12,523
I'm a single mother.
404
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,859
I have to go to work.
I have to get a job.
405
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,494
I'm telling you. Men!
They're all the same.
406
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,129
Even the best of them.
They suck.
407
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,530
Don't be naive Sammie.
408
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,066
Oh... you shouldn't
sound so bitter.
409
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:24,368
You're the one
kicked Stanley out.
410
00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:27,071
Yes! Because he cheated on me.
411
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:31,509
Bitch!
You know what he had to do?
412
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,277
He was so riddled with
guilt he had to drive
413
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,246
right home and confess
everything to me.
414
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,347
-It was awful.
-Okay, well,
415
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,482
at least he was honest.
416
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:38,916
Oh, honest, schmonest.
If he'd just
417
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,419
kept his big fat mouth shut
I'd still be married today.
418
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:42,687
And I want you to
think about it, Sammie.
419
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,021
Think about if you
were in my shoes.
420
00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:45,323
What if you found out that
Sam was cheating on you?
421
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:46,691
What would you do?
422
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,626
Uh, well, to be honest
423
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,162
Sam doesn't have it in him.
424
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:52,763
Does he have a penis?
425
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,999
Hmmm, uh, yes he does.
426
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,234
-Then he has it in him.
-Mommy.
427
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,170
Oh. Well... what honey,
what's the matter?
428
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:01,072
-Jason.
-What.
429
00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:03,341
-Oh my God. Oh, oh baby.
-Oh, no, no, no.
430
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:05,443
-Oh, honey.
-He's sitting on paint.
431
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:06,577
I know.
432
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,913
Oh, he thinks it's his potty.
433
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,648
Okay, I'm gonna go get a towel.
434
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,850
Man: ...and she had
hair below her ass.
435
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:16,487
Long black shiny hair.
436
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,723
It smelled like
apricots or something.
437
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,625
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
438
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:23,694
She smelled good
everywhere, man.
439
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:26,130
If you know what I mean.
440
00:19:26,132 --> 00:19:28,266
And, and...
she was shaved, Sam.
441
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,401
Oh please! I'm cooking here.
442
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:32,637
Too bad you're
getting married, man.
443
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,205
She's got this roommate.
444
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:37,074
Some kind of model or something.
445
00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,976
Sweet, I think you'd like her.
Want to meet her?
446
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,512
No.
Thank you.
447
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:44,215
Suit yourself. More for me.
448
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,050
What do you mean, more for you?
449
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,251
I thought you were
dating her roommate?
450
00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:49,654
Yay. That's exactly
why I'm a shoe in.
451
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:51,155
You see, unlike guys,
chicks have
452
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,690
no loyalty to one another.
453
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:56,093
They'll fuck each other over,
any chance they get.
454
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:59,030
It's this catty competitive
thing they're born with.
455
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:00,431
There's no easier way
456
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:03,467
to get laid than to fuck a
chick's best friend first.
457
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:04,969
Who put these ideas
in your head?
458
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:08,372
You guys are disgusting.
459
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:09,507
What do you mean guys?
460
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:11,642
Guys plural? What did I say?
461
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,312
I heard what you two guys were
talking about and it's sick.
462
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,782
I'm about to get married.
I'm madly in love.
463
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:20,818
So don't lump me in
with Carl the conqueror.
464
00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:22,353
Creeps.
465
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,193
She's a bitch.
466
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,796
But she's got a nice ass.
467
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:34,832
Oh, Carl, Carl, man.
Get a hold of yourself.
468
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,038
Here we go.
469
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,406
Thank you.
470
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:46,510
Can I get you
gentlemen anything else?
471
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:48,312
Ah... No. Thank you very much.
472
00:20:48,314 --> 00:20:49,513
-Thanks.
-Okay.
473
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:54,051
Whoa! Would you
look at the tush on her.
474
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:56,754
-Joel: Very nice.
-Rueben: No, no, not hers. Hers.
475
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:00,157
Oh Jesus!
476
00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:02,360
Would you just...
don't do that to me.
477
00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:04,562
-Yummy.
-Ha, ha, ha, ha.
478
00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:06,797
I can't believe
I'm going to do this,
479
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:09,333
-but can I ask you a question?
-Yes, what?
480
00:21:09,335 --> 00:21:11,535
Do you think it's possible
to remain faithful
481
00:21:11,537 --> 00:21:13,804
to one woman for the rest
of your life?
482
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,906
I-- I mean, do you
believe in monogamy
483
00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:19,076
or it just something that we
do because women expect it?
484
00:21:19,078 --> 00:21:20,678
Oh my God, you're
having an affair.
485
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,513
Would you shut up.
I am not having an affair.
486
00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:24,115
The last time you
asked me that question
487
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,383
you were cheating on Harriet
with Sophie.
488
00:21:25,385 --> 00:21:27,618
-You're having an affair!
-Shhh.
489
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,353
I am not cheating, okay.
490
00:21:29,355 --> 00:21:32,256
I am thinking about things.
491
00:21:32,258 --> 00:21:34,091
We were discussing
this issue at a dinner party.
492
00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:35,326
What country?
493
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:38,562
Our country. What do
you mean what country?
494
00:21:38,564 --> 00:21:40,231
What-- What does it
matter what country?
495
00:21:40,233 --> 00:21:42,733
Views on monogamy, they
differ from country to country.
496
00:21:42,735 --> 00:21:44,235
Take Utah for example.
497
00:21:44,237 --> 00:21:46,604
Those Mormons have seven,
eight, ten wives at a time.
498
00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:50,041
Reuben, Utah is not a country.
499
00:21:50,043 --> 00:21:52,343
Utah is a state.
500
00:21:52,345 --> 00:21:53,778
All right fine. Japan.
501
00:21:53,780 --> 00:21:57,048
Okay? A good traditional
Japanese wife
502
00:21:57,050 --> 00:21:59,417
encourages her husband
to have an affair.
503
00:21:59,419 --> 00:22:01,786
They live for their husbands'
happiness. Okay.
504
00:22:01,788 --> 00:22:04,255
It's uh, it's good for their
society.
505
00:22:04,257 --> 00:22:05,756
That is the stupidest fucking
thing I have ever heard.
506
00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:07,258
-What?
-You're saying that--
507
00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:09,560
that all Japanese wives act
as pimps for their husbands?
508
00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:12,029
I mean come on.
Don't be a schmuck, I'm serious.
509
00:22:12,865 --> 00:22:14,231
Alright. Yes.
510
00:22:14,233 --> 00:22:16,567
I believe monogamy is
an essential component
511
00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:19,136
to a successful marriage
in our culture.
512
00:22:19,138 --> 00:22:20,771
-Okay?
-Thank you.
513
00:22:20,773 --> 00:22:23,007
Which if precisely why
I will never get married.
514
00:22:23,009 --> 00:22:25,276
Because no, I do not
believe it is natural.
515
00:22:25,278 --> 00:22:26,744
See that's where
I'm having a problem.
516
00:22:26,746 --> 00:22:28,646
If men love sex,
and men love their wives,
517
00:22:28,648 --> 00:22:30,214
and men love having
sex with their wives,
518
00:22:30,216 --> 00:22:31,916
well, why are
we so drawn to other women?
519
00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:34,785
-I'll tell you why.
-Uh, oh.
520
00:22:34,787 --> 00:22:37,221
I love eating.
Alright?
521
00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:40,591
I love lamb chops.
522
00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:43,127
I love eating lamp chops.
523
00:22:43,129 --> 00:22:44,929
But if I had to eat lamb chops,
524
00:22:44,931 --> 00:22:48,766
and only lamb chops
for the rest of my life,
525
00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:50,568
who's to say what
might happen if
526
00:22:50,570 --> 00:22:53,804
a cute taco or
a sultry meatball sub
527
00:22:53,806 --> 00:22:55,373
were to saunter by.
You know what I'm sayin'?
528
00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:57,007
How did I get a
retarded brother?
529
00:22:57,009 --> 00:22:58,275
Listen Joel.
530
00:22:58,277 --> 00:23:00,010
What we say, I hope you realize,
531
00:23:00,012 --> 00:23:02,513
remains between you and me only.
532
00:23:02,515 --> 00:23:03,647
Yes.
533
00:23:03,649 --> 00:23:05,015
I know you love Sophie.
534
00:23:05,017 --> 00:23:06,984
But if you're really
thinking you need a little...
535
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:11,155
...variety, Puddles has
a twin sister to die for.
536
00:23:13,326 --> 00:23:15,893
-Is that a no?
-That would be no.
537
00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:37,915
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
538
00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:39,283
-I didn't mean to startle you.
-Thank God.
539
00:23:39,285 --> 00:23:42,720
That's ok.
Can I help you with something?
540
00:23:42,722 --> 00:23:44,889
Yes. I have my
sixth anniversary coming up
541
00:23:44,891 --> 00:23:46,957
and I want to get my wife
something really cool.
542
00:23:46,959 --> 00:23:48,192
She's a photographer,
543
00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:49,994
so I was wondering
if you had any antique
544
00:23:49,996 --> 00:23:51,862
photographic equipment or
545
00:23:51,864 --> 00:23:53,531
something
a photographer might like?
546
00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:54,765
Yeah. As a matter of fact
547
00:23:54,767 --> 00:23:56,267
we do have some
pretty neat old cameras.
548
00:23:56,269 --> 00:23:58,669
-Something like that?
-Sure. Yeah.
549
00:23:58,671 --> 00:24:00,304
-That'll be good.
-In another room. Follow me.
550
00:24:08,648 --> 00:24:10,314
Man. This one's fantastic.
551
00:24:10,316 --> 00:24:12,683
-Oh yeah.
-This is cool.
552
00:24:12,685 --> 00:24:14,452
Dates back to around
the turn of the century.
553
00:24:14,454 --> 00:24:16,821
-Wow.
-It's pretty expensive.
554
00:24:16,823 --> 00:24:20,057
-For my wife, anything.
-She's a lucky girl.
555
00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:24,728
-So, you married?
-Ha! No.
556
00:24:25,631 --> 00:24:26,897
Serious boyfriend?
557
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:28,899
I wish.
558
00:24:30,069 --> 00:24:31,769
A pretty girl like you alone?
559
00:24:31,771 --> 00:24:35,005
Not for long. I wonder
if this thing still works?
560
00:24:36,075 --> 00:24:38,509
Oh. I don't know actually.
561
00:24:38,511 --> 00:24:40,478
I'm sure if it does my
wife will figure it out.
562
00:24:42,415 --> 00:24:43,747
You know,
I'm a happily married man.
563
00:24:43,749 --> 00:24:45,649
But if I wasn't,
I'd take you out in a second.
564
00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:48,252
-Really?
-If, if you wanted to.
565
00:24:48,254 --> 00:24:50,287
-Then I would take you out.
-Really?
566
00:24:50,289 --> 00:24:51,522
Thanks.
567
00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:55,793
If I wasn't married,
I'm speaking
568
00:24:55,795 --> 00:24:57,695
totally hypothetically,
and I asked you out.
569
00:24:57,697 --> 00:24:59,129
Would you go?
570
00:24:59,131 --> 00:25:03,000
Yeah, sure. If you
weren't married.
571
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:05,002
Ah yes. That's right.
Of course, of course.
572
00:25:09,208 --> 00:25:10,774
So, you work here
full time, or...
573
00:25:10,776 --> 00:25:14,912
No. Part time.
I go to UCLA. (laughs)
574
00:25:17,550 --> 00:25:18,782
Drama student.
575
00:25:18,784 --> 00:25:20,951
Ah, so you want to
be an actress, huh?
576
00:25:22,154 --> 00:25:25,556
-I know. It sounds pathetic.
-No it doesn't.
577
00:25:25,558 --> 00:25:27,725
All my favorite movies
are filled with actresses.
578
00:25:27,894 --> 00:25:30,394
(laughs)
579
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,165
I...
580
00:25:38,204 --> 00:25:40,638
I, uh... I gotta go.
581
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,874
Um... forget about
the camera. Thanks.
582
00:25:49,882 --> 00:25:52,850
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
What happened?
583
00:25:54,987 --> 00:25:58,455
I'm-- I'm sorry. This is
gonna sound terrible. Um...
584
00:25:58,457 --> 00:25:59,890
If-- if I tell you something,
you promise
585
00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:01,825
not to think I'm
a complete neanderthal?
586
00:26:03,296 --> 00:26:04,728
Tell me what?
587
00:26:05,798 --> 00:26:08,098
I've been happily
married for six years.
588
00:26:08,100 --> 00:26:09,867
Blissfully so.
589
00:26:09,869 --> 00:26:11,101
And in all that time I've never
590
00:26:11,103 --> 00:26:12,703
so much as even looked
at another woman.
591
00:26:13,506 --> 00:26:15,739
Why, I think that's beautiful.
592
00:26:17,143 --> 00:26:18,309
Yeah.
593
00:26:20,580 --> 00:26:22,446
Until I just saw you laugh.
594
00:26:32,925 --> 00:26:34,458
Mr. Gold, did you
want to dictate
595
00:26:34,460 --> 00:26:36,026
the changes to the
Fogelman brief now?
596
00:26:36,028 --> 00:26:38,128
You know, Dawn, I'm,
I'm feeling a little nauseous.
597
00:26:38,130 --> 00:26:40,764
I-- I know I shouldn't
have eaten that dessert.
598
00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:42,766
Aw. You want some Pepto Bismol?
599
00:26:42,768 --> 00:26:44,602
-No.
-Tums?
600
00:26:44,604 --> 00:26:46,537
No. No. Thanks. I...
601
00:26:46,539 --> 00:26:48,105
I think I'll just go home
a little early today. I'll...
602
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:49,873
I'll take care of that
brief in the morning.
603
00:26:57,183 --> 00:27:00,250
(heavy breathing)
604
00:27:58,611 --> 00:28:01,045
-Feel good?
-Mm-hm.
605
00:28:01,047 --> 00:28:03,080
Haven't seen you in long time.
606
00:28:03,082 --> 00:28:05,616
Mmm... yeah, you know how it is.
607
00:28:05,618 --> 00:28:08,285
Tough day?
I feel much tension.
608
00:28:10,623 --> 00:28:13,057
You want special
massage again today?
609
00:28:15,127 --> 00:28:16,293
Yes, please.
610
00:28:17,596 --> 00:28:19,730
What kind of special massage?
611
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:22,900
Well, you know...
612
00:28:24,070 --> 00:28:27,237
like the kind... last time.
613
00:28:27,239 --> 00:28:29,373
You know, with... with the oil.
614
00:28:29,375 --> 00:28:32,042
-Hand job?
-Yeah, that's the one.
615
00:28:44,690 --> 00:28:46,657
Well, I guess I won't be
needing that any more.
616
00:28:52,798 --> 00:28:54,131
Okay.
617
00:28:58,437 --> 00:29:00,037
Oh...
618
00:29:00,039 --> 00:29:03,006
Feel good. Yes?
619
00:29:03,008 --> 00:29:04,641
Yes, very good.
620
00:29:06,278 --> 00:29:08,178
Joel: (thinking)
This isn't cheating.
621
00:29:08,814 --> 00:29:11,115
This isn't cheating.
622
00:29:11,984 --> 00:29:13,650
What am I doing here?
623
00:29:13,652 --> 00:29:16,320
I'm cheating on my wife.
624
00:29:16,322 --> 00:29:17,888
No, no, this can't be cheating.
625
00:29:17,890 --> 00:29:20,758
Cheating is sleeping with another woman.
626
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,025
I'm getting a massage.
627
00:29:22,027 --> 00:29:23,660
Nothing wrong with getting a massage.
628
00:29:23,662 --> 00:29:24,862
Men have urges.
629
00:29:25,030 --> 00:29:27,564
God, give women a penis for 24 hours and--
630
00:29:27,566 --> 00:29:29,433
and then they'll know.
631
00:29:29,435 --> 00:29:32,069
Christ! What am I saying?
632
00:29:32,071 --> 00:29:36,073
I'm rationalizing the solicitation of prostitution.
633
00:29:36,075 --> 00:29:38,242
This is illegal. They raid places like this.
634
00:29:38,244 --> 00:29:40,544
Oh, that would be just great.
635
00:29:40,546 --> 00:29:43,447
Hi honey, this is Joel, I'm calling from jail.
636
00:29:43,449 --> 00:29:44,948
Could you please pick me up?
637
00:29:44,950 --> 00:29:48,385
Yeah, a little Korean ladywas jerking me off, that's all.
638
00:29:48,387 --> 00:29:50,788
That's it. I'm never coming in here again.
639
00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:53,290
(moaning)
640
00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:02,132
(screaming)
641
00:30:02,134 --> 00:30:06,503
I did not have sexual
relations with that woman.
642
00:30:07,106 --> 00:30:09,072
How did your day go?
Anything exciting?
643
00:30:10,876 --> 00:30:13,877
No. Nah, I just-- I just worked.
644
00:30:13,879 --> 00:30:15,813
These allegations are false.
645
00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:19,817
Well, you heard it here first.
646
00:30:19,819 --> 00:30:22,019
Supermodel Barcelona and her boyfriend
647
00:30:22,021 --> 00:30:23,654
of only three months,
648
00:30:23,656 --> 00:30:26,423
furrier tycoon, Shlomo Ginklestein,
649
00:30:26,425 --> 00:30:29,126
tied the knot yesterday at a private ceremony
650
00:30:29,128 --> 00:30:31,195
in his chalet in the Alps.
651
00:30:31,197 --> 00:30:33,764
Here's the happy couple feasting on wedding cake.
652
00:30:33,766 --> 00:30:35,999
Immediately after the ceremony they hopped in
653
00:30:36,001 --> 00:30:39,870
Shlomo's private SST to an undisclosed location
654
00:30:39,872 --> 00:30:43,607
for a romantic honeymoon. Congratulations you two.
655
00:30:43,609 --> 00:30:46,043
Men fuck looks.
Women fuck power.
656
00:30:46,045 --> 00:30:47,611
Now, if that were reversed,
657
00:30:47,613 --> 00:30:49,980
and it was a
19 year old cute guy
658
00:30:49,982 --> 00:30:51,248
marring an 80
year old grandmother,
659
00:30:51,250 --> 00:30:53,150
people would just
be throwing up.
660
00:30:53,719 --> 00:30:54,952
Why?
661
00:30:54,954 --> 00:30:57,621
Because that would
be disgusting?
662
00:30:57,623 --> 00:30:59,590
Well, what's the difference?
663
00:30:59,592 --> 00:31:00,891
Honey, a young
woman doesn't care
664
00:31:00,893 --> 00:31:02,593
what a guy looks like
if he's rich.
665
00:31:02,595 --> 00:31:04,228
However, you take a young guy...
666
00:31:04,230 --> 00:31:05,829
all right, I don't care if
she's a billionaire.
667
00:31:05,831 --> 00:31:07,197
How's he gonna get it up
if the woman
668
00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:09,233
he's with looks like a
shrunken apple head doll?
669
00:31:09,235 --> 00:31:11,201
Well that doesn't seem fair.
670
00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:13,570
Fair has nothing to do with it.
It's nature.
671
00:31:13,572 --> 00:31:15,439
Men are just genetically
able to look better longer.
672
00:31:16,008 --> 00:31:17,674
Wait a minute.
673
00:31:17,676 --> 00:31:19,309
Wait a minute. Are you saying
674
00:31:19,311 --> 00:31:21,578
that men age better than women?
675
00:31:21,580 --> 00:31:23,046
It's a fact.
676
00:31:23,048 --> 00:31:25,382
Well it certainly is not a fact.
677
00:31:25,384 --> 00:31:27,251
It's just that in
our male dominated,
678
00:31:27,253 --> 00:31:29,720
chauvinistic culture,
when a woman hits forty
679
00:31:29,722 --> 00:31:31,755
she's thrown out to pasture,
by the men.
680
00:31:31,757 --> 00:31:34,324
Look, honey, you're making
way too much out of this. Okay?
681
00:31:34,326 --> 00:31:36,193
Men just have
thicker skin layers.
682
00:31:36,195 --> 00:31:37,861
Less wrinkles with age.
683
00:31:37,863 --> 00:31:40,230
Oh! Women have more wrinkles
684
00:31:40,232 --> 00:31:42,266
because they carry
the weight of a lifetime
685
00:31:42,268 --> 00:31:43,901
of oppression on
their shoulders.
686
00:31:43,903 --> 00:31:45,469
I can't believe
what I'm hearing!
687
00:31:45,471 --> 00:31:47,938
I cannot believe what
I'm hearing from you...
688
00:31:47,940 --> 00:31:50,040
-...Joel!
-How big is it!
689
00:31:50,042 --> 00:31:52,342
I can't believe you're
jealous of a dead... bum!
690
00:31:52,344 --> 00:31:55,445
Oh, I'm not jealous!
I'm just curious. That's all!
691
00:31:55,447 --> 00:31:58,482
All I said was that
my cadaver has a big penis.
692
00:31:58,484 --> 00:31:59,850
No, no, no, no!
693
00:31:59,852 --> 00:32:01,852
You said "My cadaver has
694
00:32:01,854 --> 00:32:04,221
the biggest penis
I've ever seen".
695
00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:07,491
-So?
-So... you admit it.
696
00:32:07,493 --> 00:32:10,193
It is the biggest penis
you've ever seen.
697
00:32:10,195 --> 00:32:13,897
God! You never tell me
I have a big penis.
698
00:32:13,899 --> 00:32:16,533
Oh come on Joel!
699
00:32:16,535 --> 00:32:19,403
Your penis is fine
and you know it!
700
00:32:20,339 --> 00:32:21,571
Fine?
701
00:32:22,341 --> 00:32:24,541
Fine is a far cry from
702
00:32:24,543 --> 00:32:27,311
"The biggest penis
I've ever seen."
703
00:32:27,313 --> 00:32:29,012
And you know what,
you said it with such a...
704
00:32:29,014 --> 00:32:32,549
a look... in your eyes.
Such, such awe.
705
00:32:32,551 --> 00:32:34,484
Such hunger. (stuttering)
I mean, no wonder you
706
00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:36,420
forgot lunch.
You were delirious.
707
00:32:36,422 --> 00:32:40,023
This complex of yours,
it has to stop, Joel.
708
00:32:40,025 --> 00:32:41,558
Now I have never,
709
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:46,396
ever said anything derogatory
about your penis.
710
00:32:46,999 --> 00:32:48,265
That's right.
711
00:32:48,267 --> 00:32:50,434
It's not what you have said.
712
00:32:50,436 --> 00:32:53,337
It's what you have not said.
713
00:32:53,339 --> 00:32:56,139
I mean, don't you
think just once...
714
00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:58,809
I might like to hear,
"Hey, Joel,
715
00:32:59,912 --> 00:33:01,578
you have a big penis."
716
00:33:04,683 --> 00:33:07,017
Hey, Joel.
717
00:33:08,554 --> 00:33:14,358
You have a really big penis.
718
00:33:29,775 --> 00:33:30,807
You didn't mean that.
719
00:33:34,013 --> 00:33:35,145
Sweetie.
720
00:33:39,485 --> 00:33:40,684
Joel.
721
00:33:41,754 --> 00:33:45,722
I... love... your... penis.
722
00:33:47,793 --> 00:33:52,796
It is the...perfect size for me.
You know it is.
723
00:33:54,900 --> 00:33:59,202
I wouldn't want it to
be one hair bigger.
724
00:34:01,907 --> 00:34:03,373
-Really?
-Really.
725
00:34:04,810 --> 00:34:06,810
You know, I--
I get insecure sometimes.
726
00:34:07,579 --> 00:34:09,913
You don't have to. Not with me.
727
00:34:12,451 --> 00:34:14,084
Can I ask you one question?
728
00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:15,585
What?
729
00:34:17,022 --> 00:34:18,355
How big is it?
730
00:34:22,294 --> 00:34:24,628
-Thirteen inches.
-Oh, fuck!
731
00:34:39,912 --> 00:34:41,278
-Hi.
-Hello.
732
00:34:45,484 --> 00:34:46,917
-Sammie: Oh my God!
-Oh my! What's the matter?
733
00:34:46,919 --> 00:34:48,118
What is it?
734
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:49,352
Oh God, that was
the biggest kick yet.
735
00:34:49,354 --> 00:34:50,687
-Did you feel it?
-No.
736
00:34:50,689 --> 00:34:53,390
Oh God. Honey,
honey, feel it, feel it.
737
00:34:53,392 --> 00:34:54,691
-Where is it?
-Oh. Right here.
738
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:56,927
Oh! There he goes.
739
00:34:56,929 --> 00:34:58,695
Oh look. He's just kicking away.
740
00:35:11,610 --> 00:35:13,143
What about me?
741
00:35:14,446 --> 00:35:17,747
I'm sorry, I just don't think
it's a good idea right now.
742
00:35:19,952 --> 00:35:21,518
(mouths)
In front of the baby.
743
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:24,454
(laughs)
He's not even born yet.
744
00:35:24,456 --> 00:35:26,356
Okay. The doctor told us
that we could have sex
745
00:35:26,358 --> 00:35:27,824
right up until delivery.
746
00:35:27,826 --> 00:35:29,493
You're not going anywhere
near the baby.
747
00:35:29,495 --> 00:35:30,727
Now come on...
748
00:35:31,730 --> 00:35:34,364
Not now. When he's asleep.
749
00:35:37,069 --> 00:35:38,702
I love you though.
750
00:35:43,475 --> 00:35:45,108
I love you too.
751
00:35:45,110 --> 00:35:47,444
-You okay?
-Mm-hm.
752
00:36:11,436 --> 00:36:12,636
Sophie?
753
00:36:18,911 --> 00:36:20,310
Sophie, you hear something?
754
00:36:21,847 --> 00:36:24,814
Sophie, Sophie,
wake up! Wake up!
755
00:36:24,816 --> 00:36:29,319
Joel. Joel.
756
00:36:29,321 --> 00:36:32,022
Who... who are you?
757
00:36:32,024 --> 00:36:37,961
I am the ghost of
Christmas past.
758
00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,096
The ghost...
759
00:36:40,098 --> 00:36:43,400
the ghost of Christmas past?
But I'm Jewish.
760
00:36:44,736 --> 00:36:47,971
Sorry. Wrong house.
761
00:36:48,307 --> 00:36:50,473
(evil laughter)
762
00:36:53,312 --> 00:36:55,378
Sophie. Sophie.
763
00:36:55,380 --> 00:36:57,647
Sophie, you just missed a ghost.
764
00:36:58,483 --> 00:36:59,849
Hand job?
765
00:37:00,152 --> 00:37:01,985
-(screaming)
-No!
766
00:37:01,987 --> 00:37:03,753
(gasps)
767
00:37:06,825 --> 00:37:09,125
-You okay?
-Yeah.
768
00:37:09,127 --> 00:37:12,796
Yeah. I just had a nightmare.
That's all.
769
00:37:25,944 --> 00:37:27,043
Sammie?
770
00:37:30,349 --> 00:37:32,916
Sammie, are you asleep?
771
00:38:27,406 --> 00:38:29,606
(both grunting)
772
00:38:29,608 --> 00:38:32,409
(crowd cheering)
773
00:38:34,079 --> 00:38:36,079
(buzzer)
774
00:38:47,326 --> 00:38:49,492
Man: Popcorn! Popcorn!
775
00:38:49,494 --> 00:38:50,660
Man 2: Popcorn.
776
00:38:55,634 --> 00:38:57,033
Thanks.
777
00:38:57,035 --> 00:39:00,270
Popcorn! Popcorn!
778
00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:03,973
These are the worst seats
I've ever had, Joel.
779
00:39:03,975 --> 00:39:06,943
So sorry. My brother swore to me
that these were great seats.
780
00:39:06,945 --> 00:39:09,312
-He specifically said "great".
-It's alright.
781
00:39:16,321 --> 00:39:17,587
That's Art.
782
00:39:17,589 --> 00:39:18,655
-Where?
-Right there, that's Art.
783
00:39:18,657 --> 00:39:19,956
-Where?
-Art!
784
00:39:20,892 --> 00:39:22,292
Joel: Hey! Art!
785
00:39:22,828 --> 00:39:23,993
Art!
786
00:39:24,830 --> 00:39:26,029
-Art!
-Art!
787
00:39:26,832 --> 00:39:28,098
Both: Art!
788
00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,202
Art!
789
00:39:32,571 --> 00:39:35,505
-(whooping)
-Art!
790
00:39:35,507 --> 00:39:37,607
-Yo!
-(whooping)
791
00:39:39,578 --> 00:39:41,578
Can you believe that
woman he's with?
792
00:39:41,580 --> 00:39:44,848
-Sexy.
-Man! He uh,
793
00:39:44,850 --> 00:39:47,917
he sure stirred things up at the
dinner party the other night.
794
00:39:47,919 --> 00:39:49,386
Isaac: Yeah I kinda agreed with
a lot of what he was saying.
795
00:39:49,388 --> 00:39:50,954
-Yeah me too.
-But, with Claudia there.
796
00:39:50,956 --> 00:39:52,155
-Hey! And Sophie.
-I couldn't.
797
00:39:52,157 --> 00:39:54,624
-No.
-Yeah.
798
00:39:54,626 --> 00:39:56,426
I mean. It's true,
I think men have the ability
799
00:39:56,428 --> 00:39:58,395
to separate sex and love
a lot more easily than women do.
800
00:39:58,397 --> 00:39:59,596
-I agree with you.
-You know,
801
00:39:59,765 --> 00:40:02,298
because of that I think
we're more apt to maybe stray.
802
00:40:02,300 --> 00:40:04,134
-I agree with you again.
-Yeah. You know, Joel,
803
00:40:04,136 --> 00:40:05,201
I'll tell you what it
comes down to.
804
00:40:05,203 --> 00:40:07,370
It comes down
to the genitals.
805
00:40:07,372 --> 00:40:09,539
-It does?
-A penis is an external thing.
806
00:40:09,541 --> 00:40:11,474
-Yes.
-Right? Like an arm or a nose.
807
00:40:11,476 --> 00:40:12,942
Yeah, it's just
sticking out there.
808
00:40:12,944 --> 00:40:14,210
Right. You can stick it
in a woman.
809
00:40:14,212 --> 00:40:15,311
You can stick it in a donut.
810
00:40:15,313 --> 00:40:17,147
You can stick it in a--
a pumpkin.
811
00:40:17,149 --> 00:40:18,548
Whatever, it doesn't matter.
812
00:40:18,550 --> 00:40:22,285
It is not an emotional
experience. It's physical.
813
00:40:22,287 --> 00:40:24,087
The vagina... forget about it.
814
00:40:24,089 --> 00:40:25,455
It's a completely
different thing.
815
00:40:25,457 --> 00:40:28,525
You know. It's... it's internal.
It's a negative space.
816
00:40:28,527 --> 00:40:31,027
It's an opening into
the body. It's very sacred.
817
00:40:31,029 --> 00:40:32,529
So, obviously it's going to be
818
00:40:32,531 --> 00:40:33,863
a much more emotional
experience for a woman,
819
00:40:33,865 --> 00:40:35,732
you know,
she's being invaded.
820
00:40:35,734 --> 00:40:37,033
Like Poland.
821
00:40:37,035 --> 00:40:38,468
She's obviously
going to want it to be
822
00:40:38,470 --> 00:40:39,936
with somebody
she feels closer to.
823
00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:41,905
You know. Somebody she trusts.
824
00:40:42,707 --> 00:40:45,842
What are you?
An expert on female anatomy?
825
00:40:45,844 --> 00:40:47,043
Excuse me?
826
00:40:47,045 --> 00:40:48,545
Oh, you're a gynecologist right?
827
00:40:48,547 --> 00:40:50,313
I mean you know
so much about the vagina.
828
00:40:50,315 --> 00:40:51,915
You must be a... gynecologist.
829
00:40:51,917 --> 00:40:53,983
I think he was just
trying to make a point.
830
00:40:53,985 --> 00:40:55,852
Well it's probably
one of the most ignorant,
831
00:40:55,854 --> 00:40:57,220
over generalized points
I've ever heard.
832
00:40:57,222 --> 00:40:58,421
Excuse me, you know what?
833
00:40:58,423 --> 00:41:00,056
Isaac: Actually I...
am a gynecologist. Okay?
834
00:41:00,058 --> 00:41:01,724
And as far as I can tell
835
00:41:01,726 --> 00:41:03,760
I wasn't actually
speaking to you.
836
00:41:03,762 --> 00:41:05,628
Well, Doctor.
837
00:41:05,630 --> 00:41:07,230
Just because
a women has a vagina
838
00:41:07,232 --> 00:41:08,598
doesn't mean that
she can't appreciate
839
00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:10,333
a mindless fuck
with some dumb stud.
840
00:41:10,335 --> 00:41:11,835
I mean, you men
think that you're
841
00:41:11,837 --> 00:41:13,770
the only ones that can fuck
and forget it?
842
00:41:13,772 --> 00:41:15,972
Jesus Christ,
this is fucking typical.
843
00:41:15,974 --> 00:41:17,340
Do you think you
could say the word
844
00:41:17,342 --> 00:41:19,042
"fuck" just one more time?
845
00:41:19,044 --> 00:41:20,543
I don't think
that child over there
846
00:41:20,545 --> 00:41:21,644
heard you the last time.
847
00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:22,812
You know what, you know what?
848
00:41:22,814 --> 00:41:24,481
Enjoy yourself.
Have a good time, okay.
849
00:41:24,483 --> 00:41:25,615
Fuck your brains out.
850
00:41:25,617 --> 00:41:27,183
I'm sure
it'll suit you just fine.
851
00:41:27,185 --> 00:41:28,351
You hear that Vicki?
852
00:41:28,353 --> 00:41:30,553
It's a typical
threatened male response,
853
00:41:30,555 --> 00:41:31,921
when woman meets
man on his own turf.
854
00:41:31,923 --> 00:41:33,823
-Mm-hm.
-Excuse me.
855
00:41:33,825 --> 00:41:37,093
Typical male response?
I'm not threatened by you. Okay?
856
00:41:37,095 --> 00:41:40,663
All men are threatened by
a sexually independent woman.
857
00:41:40,665 --> 00:41:42,098
I hate to burst your bubble.
858
00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:43,700
But every woman
you've ever fucked
859
00:41:43,702 --> 00:41:45,869
isn't sitting at home,
staring at the phone,
860
00:41:45,871 --> 00:41:48,238
weeping
"Why isn't he calling me?
861
00:41:48,240 --> 00:41:49,606
Why?"
862
00:41:50,542 --> 00:41:53,209
(sobbing)
Why isn't he calling me?
863
00:41:54,546 --> 00:41:55,945
Why?
864
00:41:55,947 --> 00:41:58,481
Look, let's not get our
panties in a bunch here. Okay?
865
00:41:58,483 --> 00:41:59,949
Why don't we just
take a deep breath,
866
00:41:59,951 --> 00:42:02,185
and calm down.
We're at a hockey game.
867
00:42:02,187 --> 00:42:03,987
We're supposed to
have a good time.
868
00:42:03,989 --> 00:42:06,589
Let's not get carried away.
Don't you agree good doctor?
869
00:42:06,591 --> 00:42:07,924
I do, I agree.
870
00:42:07,926 --> 00:42:09,893
You know what? I...
871
00:42:09,895 --> 00:42:12,896
I'd like to apologize for
being so rude to you ladies.
872
00:42:12,898 --> 00:42:14,230
Really.
873
00:42:14,232 --> 00:42:16,332
And just to show
there's no hard feelings
874
00:42:16,334 --> 00:42:19,002
I'll give you both
a free pap smear. Okay?
875
00:42:19,004 --> 00:42:20,270
Pigs.
876
00:42:20,272 --> 00:42:22,238
(buzzer)
877
00:42:23,808 --> 00:42:25,642
There you go. Thank you.
878
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:31,047
-Oh. Sorry.
-So, Sophie?
879
00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:33,049
-Hi, Dr. Taft.
-Hello.
880
00:42:33,051 --> 00:42:35,351
-How are you?
-I'm fine. I'm good.
881
00:42:35,353 --> 00:42:36,819
What are you doing
around here?
882
00:42:36,821 --> 00:42:40,823
Oh, I'm just buying a couple
magazines on my way home.
883
00:42:40,825 --> 00:42:42,258
What are you doing here?
884
00:42:42,260 --> 00:42:44,561
Well I live just--
just around the corner.
885
00:42:44,563 --> 00:42:45,728
Really?
886
00:42:45,730 --> 00:42:47,997
As a matter of fact I was just
going to grab a cup of coffee.
887
00:42:49,167 --> 00:42:50,466
Would you care to join me?
888
00:42:51,503 --> 00:42:53,636
I would. Thank you.
889
00:42:53,638 --> 00:42:57,941
So, what made you decide
to become a doctor at 30?
890
00:42:57,943 --> 00:43:01,344
Oh, well, I always
wanted to be a doctor.
891
00:43:01,346 --> 00:43:04,080
But I just didn't think
I was smart enough.
892
00:43:04,082 --> 00:43:06,049
Ohh... psss.
893
00:43:06,051 --> 00:43:09,085
It was my husband actually
who encouraged me.
894
00:43:09,087 --> 00:43:11,087
Sounds like a great guy.
895
00:43:11,089 --> 00:43:12,889
So tell me, are you married?
896
00:43:12,891 --> 00:43:14,390
Me? Oh, no.
897
00:43:14,392 --> 00:43:16,359
I've been living with someone
for the last seven years.
898
00:43:16,361 --> 00:43:19,262
It's, uh, close enough
to being married.
899
00:43:19,264 --> 00:43:23,066
Yeah, but... you don't
get the tax breaks.
900
00:43:23,535 --> 00:43:24,901
Now that's true.
901
00:43:29,074 --> 00:43:30,373
Do you like art?
902
00:43:31,176 --> 00:43:32,775
You know Art?
903
00:43:32,777 --> 00:43:35,545
It's my other passion
besides medicine.
904
00:43:35,981 --> 00:43:37,046
Oh.
905
00:43:37,048 --> 00:43:39,282
You know, we should really go
to a museum together
906
00:43:39,284 --> 00:43:40,917
one of these days.
907
00:43:40,919 --> 00:43:42,952
Now there's plenty of
splendid museums
908
00:43:42,954 --> 00:43:45,021
no one ever goes
to in this town.
909
00:43:45,023 --> 00:43:46,389
I think it would be fun.
910
00:43:47,258 --> 00:43:48,424
Yeah.
911
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:50,326
Okay.
912
00:43:51,029 --> 00:43:52,562
Sounds great.
913
00:43:52,564 --> 00:43:53,763
Good.
914
00:43:54,332 --> 00:43:57,367
(heavy breathing)
915
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:05,174
(moans)
916
00:44:11,916 --> 00:44:14,517
You know, I've been
married for six years.
917
00:44:15,420 --> 00:44:17,153
Blissfully so.
918
00:44:17,155 --> 00:44:20,089
And in all that time,
919
00:44:20,825 --> 00:44:26,095
I have never so much as
even looked at another woman,
920
00:44:26,097 --> 00:44:28,031
until I looked into your eyes.
921
00:44:30,702 --> 00:44:34,137
-(laughs)
-What?
922
00:44:34,139 --> 00:44:36,706
-What?
-Cut the shit, Romeo.
923
00:44:39,377 --> 00:44:42,445
(moaning)
924
00:44:48,219 --> 00:44:51,287
-(bed creaking)
-(heavy breathing)
925
00:44:56,428 --> 00:44:58,895
(breathing gets faster)
926
00:44:59,130 --> 00:45:00,430
More iced tea?
927
00:45:01,599 --> 00:45:03,132
No. Thank you.
928
00:45:04,836 --> 00:45:07,437
(loud moaning)
929
00:45:10,809 --> 00:45:12,275
I'm sorry.
930
00:45:12,277 --> 00:45:14,577
You don't have to
keep apologizing.
931
00:45:15,780 --> 00:45:17,447
I think it's wonderful
that you don't want to
932
00:45:17,449 --> 00:45:18,915
cheat on your wife.
933
00:45:18,917 --> 00:45:20,750
Funny thing is I...
934
00:45:20,752 --> 00:45:25,488
I do want to, but I can't.
935
00:45:25,490 --> 00:45:26,889
I mean it's not you.
936
00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:28,858
I mean, I came here
with every intention of...
937
00:45:29,561 --> 00:45:30,693
you know.
938
00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:32,562
I know.
939
00:45:32,564 --> 00:45:35,431
-You're extremely sexy.
-Thank you.
940
00:45:35,433 --> 00:45:38,334
I would like nothing
more than to just...
941
00:45:39,504 --> 00:45:43,973
you know... have...
sex with you. But I can't.
942
00:45:43,975 --> 00:45:46,943
I just--
I would feel too guilty.
943
00:45:46,945 --> 00:45:49,378
I can't do that to my wife.
944
00:45:49,380 --> 00:45:52,515
I think that is so refreshing.
And rare.
945
00:45:52,650 --> 00:45:55,518
I hope she appreciates what
a wonderful husband she has.
946
00:45:57,689 --> 00:45:58,921
Thank you.
947
00:45:59,824 --> 00:46:02,959
(moaning gets louder)
948
00:46:08,566 --> 00:46:09,966
How about a hand job?
949
00:46:11,936 --> 00:46:14,337
And the two girls were
doing each other.
950
00:46:14,339 --> 00:46:16,706
It was incredible, Sam.
951
00:46:16,708 --> 00:46:19,008
Have you ever been with
two girls at the same time?
952
00:46:19,010 --> 00:46:22,245
-No.
-(laughs) You gotta do it man.
953
00:46:22,247 --> 00:46:24,781
You gotta do it before you
get married.
954
00:46:24,783 --> 00:46:28,317
They're both on their
hands and knees. Right?
955
00:46:28,319 --> 00:46:30,987
And I'm-- I'm pumping
one from behind.
956
00:46:30,989 --> 00:46:32,355
And then I turn around
957
00:46:32,357 --> 00:46:33,823
I'm pumping
the other from behind.
958
00:46:33,825 --> 00:46:37,627
And then I'm back and forth
and back and forth...
959
00:46:37,629 --> 00:46:39,395
Alright! Alright!
I get the picture.
960
00:46:39,397 --> 00:46:41,430
It just doesn't
sound very sanitary.
961
00:46:41,432 --> 00:46:43,366
Ah, what are you, dead?
962
00:46:43,368 --> 00:46:45,568
No, I just happen to
be madly in love with Sammie
963
00:46:45,570 --> 00:46:47,270
and I don't need
group encounters
964
00:46:47,272 --> 00:46:48,371
with a bunch of bimbos.
965
00:46:48,373 --> 00:46:50,606
Hey, hey, hey! I love them.
966
00:46:51,709 --> 00:46:53,242
That's it. I'm taking my break.
967
00:46:53,244 --> 00:46:55,745
-Louey. Take over.
-Where you goin'?
968
00:47:13,765 --> 00:47:17,466
-Oh yes. -Oh, oh yeah.
969
00:47:17,468 --> 00:47:19,135
Make the captain happy.
970
00:47:19,137 --> 00:47:20,636
The captain likes that.
971
00:47:20,638 --> 00:47:23,372
-Ooh yeah. -Woman: Ooh, Captain!
972
00:47:23,374 --> 00:47:25,474
You have such a big vessel.
973
00:47:25,476 --> 00:47:27,810
Up periscope.
974
00:47:27,812 --> 00:47:31,347
-(giggling)
-(moaning)
975
00:47:35,753 --> 00:47:37,186
Sam?
976
00:47:38,122 --> 00:47:39,655
Sam. Is that you out there?
977
00:47:42,894 --> 00:47:44,560
Yeah, it is you.
978
00:47:44,562 --> 00:47:47,663
Girls, remember Sam? Sam's back.
979
00:47:47,665 --> 00:47:49,165
Women: Hi, Sam.
980
00:47:50,668 --> 00:47:54,237
Hi.
Ah, how ya doin'?
981
00:47:54,239 --> 00:47:55,504
You really have to ask?
982
00:47:55,506 --> 00:47:57,874
I thought you weren't going to come back in here any more.
983
00:47:57,876 --> 00:47:59,876
I couldn't help it.
984
00:47:59,878 --> 00:48:01,077
You know I keep telling myself
985
00:48:01,079 --> 00:48:03,246
that I am never
coming in here again.
986
00:48:03,248 --> 00:48:05,147
That I'm going to throw
away all my magazines.
987
00:48:05,149 --> 00:48:07,149
But I... I can't stick to it.
988
00:48:07,151 --> 00:48:08,651
Woman:
Hey, don't worry about it.
989
00:48:08,653 --> 00:48:12,455
Watching blue movies isthe safest sex there is, right?
990
00:48:12,457 --> 00:48:15,024
I know what I wanted to ask you. Are you married yet?
991
00:48:15,026 --> 00:48:16,158
Next month.
992
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:18,060
Captain: Well, congratulations.
993
00:48:18,062 --> 00:48:19,829
Congratulations.
994
00:48:19,831 --> 00:48:20,997
Thank you.
995
00:48:21,733 --> 00:48:24,800
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much.
996
00:48:24,802 --> 00:48:27,236
Yeah, I'm like the luckiest
guy in the whole wide world.
997
00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:28,771
I mean, I can't believe it.
998
00:48:28,773 --> 00:48:29,906
After all these years.
999
00:48:29,908 --> 00:48:32,842
I am just so... in love.
1000
00:48:32,844 --> 00:48:36,812
Hey. wait a second. If you're so in love
1001
00:48:36,814 --> 00:48:38,748
what the hell are you doing in here?
1002
00:48:38,750 --> 00:48:40,283
Alright.
1003
00:48:40,285 --> 00:48:43,252
This is why I'm torn.
I know I'm not cheating.
1004
00:48:43,254 --> 00:48:44,687
But I still feel like
a degenerate
1005
00:48:44,689 --> 00:48:46,088
and a pervert when I'm in here.
1006
00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:47,590
-Hey.
-I'm sorry.
1007
00:48:47,592 --> 00:48:50,693
Therefore, I can't tell Sammie.
Because I'm embarrassed.
1008
00:48:50,695 --> 00:48:52,662
But then that makes me
a secret keeper.
1009
00:48:52,664 --> 00:48:54,563
And then
I feel guilty and then I...
1010
00:48:54,565 --> 00:48:56,465
You see where
I'm goin'... with this?
1011
00:48:56,467 --> 00:48:58,367
-Captain: Sam.
-Yeah?
1012
00:48:58,369 --> 00:48:59,969
Take a tip from the captain.
1013
00:48:59,971 --> 00:49:02,171
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
1014
00:49:02,173 --> 00:49:03,372
You love your wife.
1015
00:49:03,374 --> 00:49:04,774
-You remain faithful.
-Yeah.
1016
00:49:04,776 --> 00:49:06,809
That's all that matters.
1017
00:49:06,811 --> 00:49:10,146
Just think of us as... research.
1018
00:49:10,148 --> 00:49:13,015
Hey, can we cut
the little morality play please?
1019
00:49:13,017 --> 00:49:15,051
Some of us
are trying to jerk off.
1020
00:49:15,053 --> 00:49:16,552
Captain:
Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.
1021
00:49:16,554 --> 00:49:17,620
-Woman: We're sorry. -Sorry.
1022
00:49:17,622 --> 00:49:18,955
Yeah, go ahead, continue.
1023
00:49:19,123 --> 00:49:20,289
-We're sorry, go ahead. -Bad Captain! Bad Captain!
1024
00:49:20,291 --> 00:49:22,191
-Bad. -Bad.
1025
00:49:22,193 --> 00:49:23,526
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
1026
00:49:23,528 --> 00:49:25,594
Woman: Bad. Bad. Bad.
1027
00:49:25,596 --> 00:49:27,163
-So bad!
-Captain: That's my derriere.
1028
00:49:27,165 --> 00:49:28,597
Easy. Easy, easy.
1029
00:49:36,574 --> 00:49:38,274
Isaac.
1030
00:49:38,276 --> 00:49:39,809
I didn't have time to
go to the store.
1031
00:49:39,811 --> 00:49:42,578
I guess we can just
order in Chinese.
1032
00:49:49,187 --> 00:49:50,453
Oh my...
1033
00:52:34,886 --> 00:52:36,852
Sophie:
That is the most romantic thing
1034
00:52:36,854 --> 00:52:38,587
-I have ever heard.
-Yeah.
1035
00:52:38,589 --> 00:52:40,823
And, to top it all off,
he bought me
1036
00:52:40,825 --> 00:52:42,424
this wonderful
antique camera from
1037
00:52:42,426 --> 00:52:44,426
like the turn of
the century, or something.
1038
00:52:44,428 --> 00:52:46,495
It must have cost him a fortune.
1039
00:52:46,497 --> 00:52:49,665
What an anniversary.
So what did you get him?
1040
00:52:49,667 --> 00:52:50,933
Oh, you're not
going to believe this,
1041
00:52:50,935 --> 00:52:53,269
but with my job being
so hectic I forgot.
1042
00:52:53,271 --> 00:52:55,938
-You didn't.
-I know, it's terrible.
1043
00:52:55,940 --> 00:52:57,339
But he was so sweet about it.
1044
00:52:57,341 --> 00:53:01,177
He said that his gift was my
happiness that night.
1045
00:53:01,179 --> 00:53:02,545
-Aw.
-Yeah.
1046
00:53:02,547 --> 00:53:04,813
Of, of course had
the tables been turned
1047
00:53:04,815 --> 00:53:06,182
and he forgot I would have
1048
00:53:06,184 --> 00:53:07,850
been a raving hell
bitch on wheels.
1049
00:53:08,920 --> 00:53:11,987
(children wailing)
1050
00:53:12,790 --> 00:53:15,124
Here, grab that corner.
1051
00:53:15,126 --> 00:53:17,593
Why don't you just hire
someone to do all this stuff?
1052
00:53:17,595 --> 00:53:19,495
Doesn't Sam make enough money?
1053
00:53:19,497 --> 00:53:20,663
Oh, stop it.
1054
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:24,466
Will you two please... shut up!
1055
00:53:24,468 --> 00:53:26,936
-God it never stops!
-Oh, hey, hey, hey!
1056
00:53:26,938 --> 00:53:28,604
Do you guys want
to watch some TV?
1057
00:53:30,174 --> 00:53:31,574
God. Are you okay?
1058
00:53:31,576 --> 00:53:32,708
Right here sweetie.
1059
00:53:32,710 --> 00:53:35,411
-I'll sit down with you baby.
-We're going to watch some TV.
1060
00:53:35,413 --> 00:53:36,745
Oh honey,
can you sit right here.
1061
00:53:36,747 --> 00:53:38,180
It'll be okay honey.
1062
00:53:38,182 --> 00:53:40,749
She's going to put on something
good for you to watch.
1063
00:53:40,751 --> 00:53:43,285
Right Sammie?
Find something please, anything.
1064
00:53:43,287 --> 00:53:46,021
Hey.
Eyeballs the Robot Goes West.
1065
00:53:46,023 --> 00:53:47,890
Oh! We love Eyeballs.
1066
00:53:47,892 --> 00:53:50,025
Who loves Eyeballs?
We love Eyeballs.
1067
00:53:50,928 --> 00:53:52,127
Put Eyeballs in.
1068
00:53:52,129 --> 00:53:54,463
Okay. Cool.
Here we go. Look!
1069
00:53:54,465 --> 00:53:55,998
Oh! You're going
to love Eyeballs,
1070
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:57,199
it's a very good one.
1071
00:53:57,201 --> 00:53:58,767
And we're going to
go for ice cream later.
1072
00:54:07,378 --> 00:54:08,777
You guys want anything else?
1073
00:54:12,650 --> 00:54:14,650
His pickle is bigger than mine.
1074
00:54:14,652 --> 00:54:16,919
Story of your life, eh pal?
1075
00:54:16,921 --> 00:54:18,787
Got a regular
"Don Rickles" here.
1076
00:54:18,789 --> 00:54:20,122
Joel.
1077
00:54:20,124 --> 00:54:22,424
Take a little advice
from me this time, okay?
1078
00:54:22,426 --> 00:54:25,628
Do not, under any
circumstances, tell Sophie.
1079
00:54:25,630 --> 00:54:27,963
All right? Do not tell Sophie.
1080
00:54:27,965 --> 00:54:29,732
Reuben, I-- I am a cheater.
1081
00:54:29,734 --> 00:54:32,434
I've got this-- this black
cloud hanging over my head.
1082
00:54:32,436 --> 00:54:34,003
See. That's just it.
1083
00:54:34,005 --> 00:54:36,105
You're going to be telling her
to make yourself feel better.
1084
00:54:36,107 --> 00:54:38,340
Believe me, she
doesn't want to know.
1085
00:54:38,342 --> 00:54:40,042
Besides,
it's not really cheating.
1086
00:54:40,044 --> 00:54:42,645
It's not cheating?
Wha... what is it?
1087
00:54:42,647 --> 00:54:43,779
Did you fuck her?
1088
00:54:43,781 --> 00:54:46,915
No, she...
she gave me a hand job.
1089
00:54:50,521 --> 00:54:53,088
-That's it?
-"That's it?"?
1090
00:54:53,090 --> 00:54:54,256
A hand job
1091
00:54:54,258 --> 00:54:56,392
from some bimbo
after a hockey game
1092
00:54:56,394 --> 00:54:57,793
is not cheating.
1093
00:54:57,795 --> 00:54:59,161
Okay?
1094
00:54:59,163 --> 00:55:01,597
I thought at least you got
a blow job or something.
1095
00:55:01,599 --> 00:55:04,066
If it's nothing,
why do I feel so nauseous?
1096
00:55:04,068 --> 00:55:06,669
It's Jewish guilt.
Mom instilled it in us both.
1097
00:55:06,671 --> 00:55:08,304
You've gotta fight it, Joel.
Fight it!
1098
00:55:08,306 --> 00:55:09,772
Right. Fight it.
1099
00:55:09,774 --> 00:55:12,274
Besides you told me
about the massage parlor.
1100
00:55:12,276 --> 00:55:14,143
-What's the difference?
-The difference?
1101
00:55:14,145 --> 00:55:15,544
The difference is
I didn't pick somebody up
1102
00:55:15,546 --> 00:55:16,979
and take them back to
their apartment. I just--
1103
00:55:16,981 --> 00:55:19,948
Got your crank yanked!
Big whoop!
1104
00:55:19,950 --> 00:55:21,283
Put it in its
proper perspective.
1105
00:55:21,285 --> 00:55:24,119
Okay? Think about it.
If Sophie had some...
1106
00:55:24,121 --> 00:55:26,422
nothing thing,
that happened on the side.
1107
00:55:26,424 --> 00:55:29,091
Some meaningless whatever, that
was never going to happen again.
1108
00:55:29,327 --> 00:55:30,926
Would you really want to know?
1109
00:55:30,928 --> 00:55:32,161
Yes.
1110
00:55:32,163 --> 00:55:34,029
Yes I would want to know.
But, come on.
1111
00:55:34,031 --> 00:55:35,431
That-- that would never happen.
1112
00:55:36,233 --> 00:55:39,134
Sophie: It was a breezy night
1113
00:55:39,136 --> 00:55:43,439
and there was a chemistry, you know?
1114
00:55:43,441 --> 00:55:47,543
I really, I didn't encourage it, it was just there.
1115
00:55:47,545 --> 00:55:51,613
And I hadn't felt that feeling in a really long time.
1116
00:55:51,615 --> 00:55:55,351
And... electricity between us, you know.
1117
00:55:55,353 --> 00:55:58,187
It actually made me kind of nervous.
1118
00:55:58,856 --> 00:56:00,823
He walked me to my car.
1119
00:56:00,825 --> 00:56:02,124
And...
1120
00:56:13,938 --> 00:56:16,839
No way!
1121
00:56:16,841 --> 00:56:19,041
I feel real guilty about that.
1122
00:56:19,043 --> 00:56:20,676
Oh! Pshaw!
1123
00:56:20,678 --> 00:56:22,811
You didn't do anything.
1124
00:56:22,813 --> 00:56:26,014
It's not what I did.
It's what I felt.
1125
00:56:26,951 --> 00:56:29,852
I actually think I have
a little crush on this guy.
1126
00:56:29,854 --> 00:56:32,688
He invited me to
a museum next week.
1127
00:56:32,690 --> 00:56:34,056
I'm not going.
1128
00:56:35,926 --> 00:56:37,926
The boys have been so good.
1129
00:56:37,928 --> 00:56:39,361
Not a peep out of them.
1130
00:56:39,363 --> 00:56:42,231
Yeah.
It's almost a little too quiet.
1131
00:56:42,233 --> 00:56:44,533
Hey! Hank! How you
guys doing in there?
1132
00:56:47,438 --> 00:56:48,637
Hank?
1133
00:56:52,276 --> 00:56:53,642
Oh.
1134
00:56:55,312 --> 00:56:57,146
-Oh my God.
1135
00:56:57,148 --> 00:56:59,181
What's going on?
Why are you so quiet?
1136
00:56:59,183 --> 00:57:00,816
Woman: Keep pumping Colonel, we're going to lose the ship.
1137
00:57:00,818 --> 00:57:03,051
Man: I'm pumping as fast as I can, Captain!
1138
00:57:03,053 --> 00:57:04,286
-Oh my God!
-Oh! Oh, no!
1139
00:57:04,422 --> 00:57:05,554
-Sammie: Oh my God!
-Bonnie: Okay! Okay! Okay!
1140
00:57:05,556 --> 00:57:07,089
I know boys!
Please don't watch it!
1141
00:57:07,091 --> 00:57:08,490
Don't look, I don't want you to!
Please don't look!
1142
00:57:08,492 --> 00:57:10,726
Oh, don't look babies!
It's okay! Turn it off!
1143
00:57:11,429 --> 00:57:12,528
Turn it off!
1144
00:57:12,530 --> 00:57:14,296
Yes hon,
it's going to be, it's okay.
1145
00:57:14,298 --> 00:57:16,565
I know! I know! God!
1146
00:57:17,134 --> 00:57:19,635
(children crying)
1147
00:57:19,637 --> 00:57:22,971
Bonnie: Oh my God.
Eyeballs the Robot my ass!
1148
00:57:22,973 --> 00:57:26,108
God, Bonnie, I am so sorry.
You saw the box.
1149
00:57:26,110 --> 00:57:28,510
I had no idea it was in there.
1150
00:57:28,512 --> 00:57:31,613
Fuck Rogers in the 69th Century? Sammie!
1151
00:57:31,615 --> 00:57:34,450
God! I swear to God I have
no idea how that happened.
1152
00:57:34,452 --> 00:57:35,551
Chicken!
1153
00:57:35,553 --> 00:57:37,052
-Oh honey no...
-Oh, God.
1154
00:57:37,054 --> 00:57:38,387
Jason, come on honey.
1155
00:57:38,389 --> 00:57:39,855
Come on honey.
Go play with Hanky.
1156
00:57:39,857 --> 00:57:42,458
You guys go-- go play puzzle.
Mommy will be right there.
1157
00:57:42,460 --> 00:57:44,193
-Oh God.
-Play with something nice.
1158
00:57:44,195 --> 00:57:47,162
Okay! Okay! Okay! It's alright.
1159
00:57:47,164 --> 00:57:49,231
They must have
put the wrong tape
1160
00:57:49,233 --> 00:57:50,933
in the wrong box at the store.
1161
00:57:50,935 --> 00:57:52,468
It's a mistake. It happens.
1162
00:57:52,470 --> 00:57:56,071
Oh. You... You can't be
that naive. Can you?
1163
00:57:56,073 --> 00:57:57,272
What?
1164
00:57:58,576 --> 00:58:00,843
Oh? You don't really
think I did this?
1165
00:58:00,845 --> 00:58:03,011
Of course not!
1166
00:58:03,747 --> 00:58:05,380
Who's tape is this?
1167
00:58:06,183 --> 00:58:07,483
It's Sam's.
But that doesn't--
1168
00:58:07,485 --> 00:58:09,785
But nothing! I rest my case!
1169
00:58:09,787 --> 00:58:13,422
Why would Sam hide
a porno tape in the house?
1170
00:58:13,424 --> 00:58:15,791
Oh! What do you need?
A sex education class?
1171
00:58:15,793 --> 00:58:17,226
Figure it out?
1172
00:58:19,797 --> 00:58:21,063
Oh, my God.
1173
00:58:21,065 --> 00:58:24,433
-Oh no, oh no.
-Oh Sammie. I'm sorry, I...
1174
00:58:26,136 --> 00:58:28,170
-I must not satisfy him fully.
-Oh!
1175
00:58:28,172 --> 00:58:31,039
No! I mean, I...
am I not sexy, anymore?
1176
00:58:31,041 --> 00:58:32,774
I mean, is this because
I'm pregnant?
1177
00:58:32,776 --> 00:58:34,776
Oh, Sammie.
1178
00:58:34,778 --> 00:58:36,311
Don't-- don't do
that to yourself.
1179
00:58:36,313 --> 00:58:37,779
Please. You are
a beautiful woman.
1180
00:58:37,781 --> 00:58:39,014
This is not your fault.
1181
00:58:39,016 --> 00:58:40,349
No. It's just that we,
1182
00:58:40,351 --> 00:58:43,352
we haven't made love
as much lately, I just...
1183
00:58:43,354 --> 00:58:45,954
maybe he just
finds me repulsive.
1184
00:58:45,956 --> 00:58:47,823
You know, no maybe
he feels like he,
1185
00:58:47,825 --> 00:58:49,958
he just has to marry me,
because I'm pregnant,
1186
00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:52,761
and-- and really doesn't find
me desirable at all any more.
1187
00:58:52,763 --> 00:58:54,196
I don't know.
1188
00:58:54,198 --> 00:58:56,732
I just know that we have
never had secrets before.
1189
00:58:56,734 --> 00:58:58,033
-Never.
-Oh, Sammie.
1190
00:58:58,035 --> 00:59:00,836
I have to say it. I told you so.
I told you this.
1191
00:59:00,838 --> 00:59:04,239
Men are men.
Get your head out of the sand.
1192
00:59:04,241 --> 00:59:05,474
Sam is the same as every
1193
00:59:05,476 --> 00:59:07,743
other two-legged
testosterone factory.
1194
00:59:07,745 --> 00:59:09,344
They're all cheats. All of them.
1195
00:59:10,881 --> 00:59:13,115
Is watching a porno
movie cheating?
1196
00:59:14,385 --> 00:59:15,884
It's just one notch away.
1197
00:59:17,421 --> 00:59:19,187
Stanley watched porno movies.
1198
00:59:45,149 --> 00:59:47,516
There you go, Merle.
Thank you.
1199
00:59:47,518 --> 00:59:49,952
I just loved your last book.
Dead Turtles.
1200
00:59:49,954 --> 00:59:51,286
Oh, you were the one
who bought that.
1201
00:59:51,288 --> 00:59:52,888
Well, thank you very much.
1202
00:59:53,657 --> 00:59:55,824
Can you sign it to Bambi?
1203
00:59:55,826 --> 00:59:57,693
Because I'm your biggest fan.
1204
00:59:57,695 --> 00:59:59,628
Well, I'll be.
1205
00:59:59,630 --> 01:00:02,030
If it isn't Miss Congeniality.
1206
01:00:02,032 --> 01:00:04,900
Despair is in D'Trunk.
1207
01:00:04,902 --> 01:00:06,535
Now that sounds cheery.
1208
01:00:06,537 --> 01:00:07,669
Standard novel fair.
1209
01:00:07,671 --> 01:00:09,571
Boy meets girl. Boy kills girl.
1210
01:00:09,573 --> 01:00:12,374
Boy stuffs girl in trunk
and drives cross country.
1211
01:00:12,376 --> 01:00:13,575
The usual.
1212
01:00:13,577 --> 01:00:16,445
Ugh! So, how many
did you sign today?
1213
01:00:16,447 --> 01:00:18,847
-Including the last two?
-Uh huh.
1214
01:00:18,849 --> 01:00:21,350
-Two.
-Aw.
1215
01:00:21,352 --> 01:00:23,585
Well. Just to prove to you
that I'm not
1216
01:00:23,587 --> 01:00:27,489
the total bitch you think I am,
I'm going to buy this one.
1217
01:00:28,826 --> 01:00:31,226
I never thought you
were a total bitch.
1218
01:00:31,228 --> 01:00:33,462
I admire someone who's
committed to a point of view.
1219
01:00:34,198 --> 01:00:36,531
I said I'd buy it.
I didn't say I'd read it.
1220
01:00:37,067 --> 01:00:38,266
Bitch.
1221
01:00:38,802 --> 01:00:40,202
To Claudia.
1222
01:00:40,204 --> 01:00:43,438
The subject of my next book.
1223
01:00:44,174 --> 01:00:45,407
I'm flattered.
1224
01:00:46,076 --> 01:00:47,175
Ah.
1225
01:00:49,947 --> 01:00:53,415
You know, it is possible...
1226
01:00:54,785 --> 01:00:57,119
...highly unlikely,
but possible,
1227
01:00:57,121 --> 01:00:58,587
that I might have been,
1228
01:00:58,589 --> 01:01:01,990
in the most minute
and unintentional way,
1229
01:01:03,293 --> 01:01:06,328
a hair obnoxious
at that party myself.
1230
01:01:06,330 --> 01:01:08,964
Get out of here.
You?
1231
01:01:08,966 --> 01:01:10,866
Could be.
1232
01:01:10,868 --> 01:01:14,169
-Oh! Can I show you something?
-Sure.
1233
01:01:20,377 --> 01:01:23,011
-Here it is.
-My God. What is it?
1234
01:01:23,013 --> 01:01:24,479
I'll have you know
you're not the only one
1235
01:01:24,481 --> 01:01:26,381
who's been published.
1236
01:01:26,383 --> 01:01:30,719
No. This is a compilation of
award winning photographs.
1237
01:01:30,721 --> 01:01:32,721
Feast your eyes on page 188.
1238
01:01:32,723 --> 01:01:35,924
Ooh, I'm very impressed.
1239
01:01:35,926 --> 01:01:38,627
"Photographed
by Claudia VonHoist".
1240
01:01:39,263 --> 01:01:40,896
This is very good.
1241
01:01:42,332 --> 01:01:44,166
-I love it.
-Ooh.
1242
01:01:44,168 --> 01:01:45,567
Who's the guy?
1243
01:01:45,569 --> 01:01:48,503
Oh, this is the oldest
lighthouse keeper on Cape Cod,
1244
01:01:48,505 --> 01:01:50,338
and these are two of his otters.
1245
01:01:50,340 --> 01:01:51,940
Well I guess, now
I'll have to buy your book.
1246
01:01:51,942 --> 01:01:53,108
Uh huh.
1247
01:01:55,212 --> 01:01:56,478
"To Art,
1248
01:01:57,147 --> 01:02:02,451
How can so much jerk
1249
01:02:02,453 --> 01:02:07,656
fit into such a small package?
1250
01:02:08,092 --> 01:02:09,357
Claudia."
1251
01:02:15,265 --> 01:02:16,531
Touch�.
1252
01:02:19,603 --> 01:02:20,869
Alright.
1253
01:02:27,745 --> 01:02:30,045
-(clears throat) Guys...
-Huh?
1254
01:02:31,248 --> 01:02:33,348
Alright. I'll call you okay?
1255
01:02:33,350 --> 01:02:35,817
Bye sweetie.
Bye bye, baby.
1256
01:02:36,954 --> 01:02:40,021
Ah man, what a woman.
1257
01:02:40,023 --> 01:02:42,290
You are lucky you
only got a fine.
1258
01:02:42,292 --> 01:02:43,458
Now listen to me.
If I didn't go to
1259
01:02:43,460 --> 01:02:44,760
law school with that prosecutor,
1260
01:02:44,762 --> 01:02:45,927
you would have gotten
in a lot more trouble,
1261
01:02:45,929 --> 01:02:47,362
do you understand?
Do you understand?
1262
01:02:47,364 --> 01:02:49,531
-So stop being such a hot head!
-Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
1263
01:02:49,533 --> 01:02:50,632
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
1264
01:02:50,634 --> 01:02:51,700
-I mean it, thank you.
-Alright.
1265
01:02:51,702 --> 01:02:52,968
-You are my hero.
-Alright.
1266
01:02:52,970 --> 01:02:54,669
-My brother, thank you.
-Alright I'll see you
1267
01:02:54,671 --> 01:02:55,737
at mom's birthday party.
1268
01:02:55,739 --> 01:02:57,405
Okay, okay, I mean it man.
1269
01:02:57,407 --> 01:02:59,141
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-You are my Willie Mays.
1270
01:02:59,143 --> 01:03:01,543
-You are my Neil Armstrong.
-Enough. Enough.
1271
01:03:01,545 --> 01:03:03,545
-Go home you little shit.
-We won! (whooping)
1272
01:03:03,547 --> 01:03:05,080
Stay out of trouble.
1273
01:03:53,664 --> 01:03:55,497
(gasps)
1274
01:04:04,107 --> 01:04:07,142
(cheering and applause)
1275
01:04:08,045 --> 01:04:09,878
Miles:
Hey everybody. We're back.
1276
01:04:10,881 --> 01:04:12,981
We're talking with Sammie.
1277
01:04:12,983 --> 01:04:14,816
Now Sammie has recently discovered
1278
01:04:14,818 --> 01:04:17,986
that her fiance has been secretly watching
1279
01:04:17,988 --> 01:04:19,254
porno movies.
1280
01:04:20,791 --> 01:04:23,124
(audience booing)
1281
01:04:23,126 --> 01:04:25,861
Now, it's obvious to me
that Sammie's
1282
01:04:25,863 --> 01:04:27,529
not ready to face this yet.
1283
01:04:28,732 --> 01:04:31,199
Now Sammie, in your opinion,
1284
01:04:31,201 --> 01:04:33,401
knowing Sam as well as you do,
1285
01:04:33,403 --> 01:04:35,971
is Sam's obsession with porn,
1286
01:04:35,973 --> 01:04:41,543
Sam's sick, perverse,
twisted,
1287
01:04:41,545 --> 01:04:46,114
disturbed preoccupation with
images of sweaty strangers,
1288
01:04:46,116 --> 01:04:50,685
thrusting, secreting
and fornicating,
1289
01:04:50,687 --> 01:04:54,222
is this vile addiction
1290
01:04:54,224 --> 01:04:56,725
an indicator that Sam,
1291
01:04:56,727 --> 01:05:01,730
your fiance, might be cheating?
1292
01:05:06,069 --> 01:05:11,273
Well, I've... I have given
this a lot of thought, Miles.
1293
01:05:12,276 --> 01:05:15,243
And no!
No! Absolutely not!
1294
01:05:15,245 --> 01:05:17,979
(audience shouting)
1295
01:05:17,981 --> 01:05:20,448
No. None of you
know Sam like I do.
1296
01:05:20,450 --> 01:05:23,451
He's just--
He's different than that.
1297
01:05:23,453 --> 01:05:25,453
Pipe down gang.
1298
01:05:25,455 --> 01:05:28,423
Sammie, we have
a little surprise for you.
1299
01:05:30,093 --> 01:05:32,360
It's Doogy Cam time.
1300
01:05:35,632 --> 01:05:36,865
What?
1301
01:05:36,867 --> 01:05:39,134
Direct, from
the motel across the street
1302
01:05:39,136 --> 01:05:41,102
from your dry cleaner.
1303
01:05:41,104 --> 01:05:43,471
It's show time.
1304
01:05:43,774 --> 01:05:46,574
(laughing)
1305
01:05:46,710 --> 01:05:49,144
-Sammie!
-(screams)
1306
01:05:49,313 --> 01:05:50,545
I can explain.
1307
01:05:50,547 --> 01:05:51,746
It's not what it looks like, Sammie.
1308
01:05:51,748 --> 01:05:54,015
-Sammie: Turn it off! -Sammie.
1309
01:05:54,017 --> 01:05:56,284
Turn it off!
1310
01:05:56,420 --> 01:05:59,087
(evil laughter)
1311
01:06:00,123 --> 01:06:02,424
(gasps)
1312
01:06:56,213 --> 01:06:59,280
(moaning)
1313
01:08:43,320 --> 01:08:44,586
Dr. Taft:
You thinking what I'm thinking?
1314
01:08:44,588 --> 01:08:46,254
Sophie: That we can never do this again.
1315
01:08:46,623 --> 01:08:48,089
I think the best thing
is if we just
1316
01:08:48,091 --> 01:08:49,891
put this whole thing behind us.
1317
01:08:49,893 --> 01:08:51,826
Right we, we move forward.
We are adults.
1318
01:08:51,828 --> 01:08:53,528
Right... right... right.
1319
01:08:53,530 --> 01:08:56,498
Oh Gosh, this is just something
we could have never predicted.
1320
01:08:56,500 --> 01:08:58,199
It's just-- it just--
it just happened.
1321
01:08:58,201 --> 01:09:00,201
Exactly, exactly,
I mean,
1322
01:09:00,203 --> 01:09:02,370
we're both coming at it
from exactly the same place.
1323
01:09:02,372 --> 01:09:04,405
I mean, we both have
a great deal to lose.
1324
01:09:06,910 --> 01:09:08,510
Oh God, I love her.
1325
01:09:09,646 --> 01:09:11,579
I love him so much.
1326
01:09:17,120 --> 01:09:18,419
See you in class.
1327
01:09:19,055 --> 01:09:20,221
Yeah.
1328
01:09:41,278 --> 01:09:44,345
I can't believe it.
I just-- I can't believe it.
1329
01:09:44,347 --> 01:09:47,582
Man: It's the classic "man with
a double life" scenario.
1330
01:09:47,584 --> 01:09:49,984
Jekyll and Hyde.
I see them everyday.
1331
01:09:49,986 --> 01:09:51,519
One way at home
with the wife and kids,
1332
01:09:51,521 --> 01:09:54,355
another way when out
perusing the gay bar scene.
1333
01:09:54,858 --> 01:09:56,658
He's gay?
1334
01:09:56,660 --> 01:10:00,328
No. I was just saying
as an example.
1335
01:10:00,330 --> 01:10:03,498
Your fiance is what I like
to call a "Porno Pete".
1336
01:10:03,500 --> 01:10:05,300
A little nickname
we give to the guys
1337
01:10:05,302 --> 01:10:08,102
who "like to watch TV",
if you know what I mean.
1338
01:10:09,206 --> 01:10:13,174
Is he... cheating on me
with anyone?
1339
01:10:14,778 --> 01:10:16,010
Probably.
1340
01:10:16,012 --> 01:10:17,612
If he's got a couple of
honeys stashed,
1341
01:10:17,614 --> 01:10:19,447
he's keeping them well hidden.
1342
01:10:19,449 --> 01:10:21,783
We could be following him
around for months.
1343
01:10:21,785 --> 01:10:24,419
Now I suggest we speed things up
1344
01:10:24,421 --> 01:10:26,588
and go with plan B.
1345
01:10:26,590 --> 01:10:28,423
Operation Bait.
1346
01:10:29,859 --> 01:10:31,359
Operation Bait?
1347
01:10:31,962 --> 01:10:33,928
Works every time.
1348
01:10:38,635 --> 01:10:40,001
Man: Come in.
1349
01:10:53,383 --> 01:10:55,316
I think not.
1350
01:10:55,318 --> 01:10:57,619
(laughs)
1351
01:11:03,760 --> 01:11:04,993
Thank you.
1352
01:11:06,763 --> 01:11:08,429
Okay, I'm just staying
for cheese cake
1353
01:11:08,431 --> 01:11:10,064
and then really I gotta go.
1354
01:11:10,066 --> 01:11:13,368
-One more time.
-Oh. Three is more than enough.
1355
01:11:13,370 --> 01:11:15,370
Don't you ever get tired?
1356
01:11:15,372 --> 01:11:17,538
When you have sex
as infrequently as I do,
1357
01:11:17,540 --> 01:11:19,574
you have to stock up.
1358
01:11:19,576 --> 01:11:21,175
That's not what
I've heard about you.
1359
01:11:21,177 --> 01:11:22,410
No. Really, I, I gotta go home
1360
01:11:22,412 --> 01:11:24,145
because Isaac will
be expecting me.
1361
01:11:24,981 --> 01:11:27,348
Why do I get the feeling this is
1362
01:11:27,350 --> 01:11:29,851
not the first time
that you have done
1363
01:11:29,853 --> 01:11:31,085
this sort of thing?
1364
01:11:31,087 --> 01:11:33,288
-It's not.
-Ah ha.
1365
01:11:33,290 --> 01:11:35,757
What would Isaac think?
1366
01:11:35,759 --> 01:11:38,993
Well, Isaac and I have...
an agreement.
1367
01:11:38,995 --> 01:11:40,328
-Really?
-Mm-hm.
1368
01:11:40,330 --> 01:11:42,597
-What kind of agreement?
-Oh, I don't ask questions.
1369
01:11:42,599 --> 01:11:43,931
He doesn't ask questions.
1370
01:11:43,933 --> 01:11:45,400
And then we just love
each other madly
1371
01:11:45,402 --> 01:11:47,502
when we're together.
It's perfect.
1372
01:11:48,571 --> 01:11:51,406
Wait a second, wait a second.
1373
01:11:52,208 --> 01:11:53,875
If memory serves me
1374
01:11:53,877 --> 01:11:55,977
you were my arch enemy
at that dinner.
1375
01:11:55,979 --> 01:11:58,680
If your views are so liberal
I could have used a little help.
1376
01:11:58,682 --> 01:12:00,148
Well, my relationship with Isaac
1377
01:12:00,150 --> 01:12:02,383
is not dinner party
conversation.
1378
01:12:02,385 --> 01:12:06,621
Besides, your arrogance
really pissed me off.
1379
01:12:06,790 --> 01:12:09,057
(chuckles)
1380
01:12:10,427 --> 01:12:13,861
So, if you guys sleep
with other people,
1381
01:12:13,863 --> 01:12:15,730
doesn't that undermine
1382
01:12:15,732 --> 01:12:18,132
the whole concept of
a committed relationship?
1383
01:12:19,102 --> 01:12:21,369
Are you, Mr. Free Love Art,
1384
01:12:21,371 --> 01:12:23,638
saying that we should
be monogamous?
1385
01:12:23,640 --> 01:12:26,274
Isn't that the whole point of
marriage in the first place?
1386
01:12:27,043 --> 01:12:29,544
The holy bond.
The scared trust.
1387
01:12:29,546 --> 01:12:30,945
All that stuff.
1388
01:12:30,947 --> 01:12:32,914
Wait a minute, are you
the same Art from the party?
1389
01:12:32,916 --> 01:12:35,383
The, the one who said
1390
01:12:35,385 --> 01:12:38,286
"monogamy is denial",
"all couples cheat".
1391
01:12:38,288 --> 01:12:40,588
I mean what...
what was all that about?
1392
01:12:41,458 --> 01:12:43,358
Research for my new book.
1393
01:12:45,295 --> 01:12:47,261
You really are an asshole.
1394
01:12:48,298 --> 01:12:49,497
Yes.
1395
01:12:49,499 --> 01:12:53,534
But... a very cute asshole.
1396
01:12:56,039 --> 01:12:57,438
Man: Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
1397
01:12:57,440 --> 01:12:58,806
I would like to thank you for
1398
01:12:58,808 --> 01:13:01,876
your continued support of
this fine museum.
1399
01:13:01,878 --> 01:13:04,812
You angels, you patrons
and you contributors,
1400
01:13:04,814 --> 01:13:08,116
we owe you a tremendous debt
of gratitude and thanks.
1401
01:13:08,118 --> 01:13:11,219
This year's dinner I think
was the most delicious yet.
1402
01:13:11,221 --> 01:13:13,321
Indeed, please join me
1403
01:13:13,323 --> 01:13:16,257
in thanking our
caterers this evening.
1404
01:13:16,259 --> 01:13:17,859
The Bellissimo Belle Cafe,
1405
01:13:17,861 --> 01:13:21,963
chef Samuel Gordon
and his entire fine staff.
1406
01:13:21,965 --> 01:13:23,831
-Thank you.
-(applause)
1407
01:13:23,833 --> 01:13:24,932
Thank you.
1408
01:13:26,069 --> 01:13:27,902
Now then...
1409
01:13:27,904 --> 01:13:29,470
When this great institution
1410
01:13:29,472 --> 01:13:33,641
first opened its doors
in 1927...
1411
01:13:33,643 --> 01:13:36,310
Have you had a chance to
try one of Sam's eclairs yet?
1412
01:13:37,313 --> 01:13:38,780
They are fucking delicious.
1413
01:13:38,782 --> 01:13:40,081
-(gasps)
-You should try one.
1414
01:13:54,197 --> 01:13:55,596
What is that?
1415
01:13:55,598 --> 01:13:59,066
This is a hazelnut tort
with caramelized icing.
1416
01:14:00,203 --> 01:14:01,903
They all look so divine.
1417
01:14:01,905 --> 01:14:03,204
I don't know what to choose.
1418
01:14:03,206 --> 01:14:05,072
Well, why don't you try...
1419
01:14:05,074 --> 01:14:06,641
would you like to
try a piece of this?
1420
01:14:06,643 --> 01:14:08,309
And maybe some...
some other stuff?
1421
01:14:08,311 --> 01:14:11,112
-Little bit of everything.
-You're the chef, aren't you?
1422
01:14:11,114 --> 01:14:12,613
Yes I am.
1423
01:14:12,615 --> 01:14:15,049
My God. You are a genius.
1424
01:14:16,386 --> 01:14:18,252
-Hi, I'm Candace.
-Sam.
1425
01:14:18,254 --> 01:14:20,221
I do P.R. for the museum.
1426
01:14:20,223 --> 01:14:21,422
Nice to meet you.
1427
01:14:22,725 --> 01:14:25,526
-Oh, your fork.
-Thank you.
1428
01:14:25,528 --> 01:14:27,128
Do they ever call you Candy?
1429
01:14:28,832 --> 01:14:30,965
Sometimes.
1430
01:14:30,967 --> 01:14:32,166
It's ironic that
I should meet somebody
1431
01:14:32,168 --> 01:14:33,668
named Candy at a desert table.
1432
01:14:36,139 --> 01:14:37,972
You're funny.
1433
01:14:37,974 --> 01:14:39,774
I love a man with
a sense of humor.
1434
01:14:40,743 --> 01:14:42,076
It's rare.
1435
01:14:47,283 --> 01:14:50,451
Well, that's... that's quite
a pin you're wearing.
1436
01:14:50,453 --> 01:14:52,086
Candace: I love spiders.
1437
01:14:52,088 --> 01:14:54,055
I think they're mysterious and sexy.
1438
01:14:54,057 --> 01:14:58,426
Well... "Step into my parlor said the spider to the fly".
1439
01:14:58,428 --> 01:15:00,228
Oh my God.
1440
01:15:00,230 --> 01:15:02,463
He's flirting with her.
1441
01:15:02,465 --> 01:15:03,831
Candace: You're so clever.
1442
01:15:04,567 --> 01:15:07,101
You're so funny.
1443
01:15:07,103 --> 01:15:09,136
And very clever, ho, ho.
1444
01:15:09,138 --> 01:15:11,072
I can't believe he's
buying that shit.
1445
01:15:11,074 --> 01:15:14,408
Sammie, this may get
very difficult to watch.
1446
01:15:14,410 --> 01:15:17,512
My operative is prepared
to go all the way.
1447
01:15:19,682 --> 01:15:21,249
I'm staying.
1448
01:15:21,251 --> 01:15:22,950
Candace: The lobster ravioli...
1449
01:15:24,487 --> 01:15:26,254
...I think I could bathe in that stuff.
1450
01:15:27,223 --> 01:15:29,590
Sam: Thank you very much. I'm glad you liked it.
1451
01:15:30,593 --> 01:15:32,927
Would you like
a bite of your own cake?
1452
01:15:32,929 --> 01:15:35,963
Well I usually don't... Oh, okay...
1453
01:15:35,965 --> 01:15:37,598
He hates cake.
1454
01:15:38,368 --> 01:15:39,634
Sam: Thank you.
1455
01:16:30,320 --> 01:16:32,253
(screaming)
1456
01:16:33,656 --> 01:16:36,757
Don't tell her Joel. I mean it! Don't tell her!
1457
01:16:40,363 --> 01:16:41,829
Rueben: Break it up! Come on! Break it up, break it up!
1458
01:16:41,831 --> 01:16:43,230
I mean it Joel! I know what you're thinking.
1459
01:16:43,232 --> 01:16:45,666
-You'll be sorry!
-Shut up!
1460
01:16:47,036 --> 01:16:48,369
Did you say something?
1461
01:16:50,707 --> 01:16:52,640
No, why?
1462
01:16:52,642 --> 01:16:54,842
Sweetie, you look a little pale.
1463
01:16:54,844 --> 01:16:56,143
Do you feel okay?
1464
01:16:57,213 --> 01:16:59,013
Sophie, I have to
tell you something.
1465
01:17:05,154 --> 01:17:07,455
I just can't believe no
one's thought of the idea.
1466
01:17:07,457 --> 01:17:10,091
Carl? I'll see you back
at headquarters.
1467
01:17:13,262 --> 01:17:15,830
Well, I should get going too.
1468
01:17:15,832 --> 01:17:16,964
Oh no. So soon?
1469
01:17:16,966 --> 01:17:19,200
Mmm... it's been
great talking to you.
1470
01:17:20,703 --> 01:17:22,670
I guess I'll call a cab.
1471
01:17:22,672 --> 01:17:24,138
Well, you know, I've got my car.
1472
01:17:24,140 --> 01:17:25,439
I could give you a ride.
1473
01:17:25,441 --> 01:17:26,774
That would be great.
1474
01:17:26,776 --> 01:17:27,942
Okay.
1475
01:17:28,811 --> 01:17:30,978
Walt! Walt! Wake up.
1476
01:17:30,980 --> 01:17:32,847
Wake up, they're leaving.
1477
01:17:32,849 --> 01:17:34,448
-Oh, shit.
-They're leaving. Go.
1478
01:17:34,450 --> 01:17:36,283
-The subject's mobile.
-Quick.
1479
01:17:46,362 --> 01:17:49,196
Then I have to go to work, which is... work.
1480
01:17:49,198 --> 01:17:51,065
And then... work. You know.
1481
01:17:52,235 --> 01:17:53,434
Sam: Here you go, watch your head. Yeah.
1482
01:17:53,436 --> 01:17:54,935
-Candace: Thank you.
-Sam: Okay.
1483
01:18:00,476 --> 01:18:01,942
Come on baby.
1484
01:18:04,447 --> 01:18:05,746
Candace: Coogan.
1485
01:18:05,748 --> 01:18:07,181
Are you sure you
don't mind, I feel really...
1486
01:18:07,183 --> 01:18:08,516
Sam: No, that's all right.
1487
01:18:15,658 --> 01:18:16,924
Sam: Where do you live again?
1488
01:18:16,926 --> 01:18:18,359
Wilshire? Wilshire and what?
1489
01:18:18,361 --> 01:18:19,427
Candace: Coogan.
1490
01:18:19,595 --> 01:18:21,295
It's two blocks easts of Fairfax.
1491
01:18:21,297 --> 01:18:22,596
Sam: What's your favorite dessert?
1492
01:18:22,598 --> 01:18:23,764
-Candace: Tapioca.
-Sam: Tapioca?
1493
01:18:23,766 --> 01:18:25,800
Sammie: You know you think--
you think you know someone.
1494
01:18:25,801 --> 01:18:27,835
Yeah, you think you
really know someone.
1495
01:18:27,837 --> 01:18:29,470
And then suddenly, he's driving
1496
01:18:29,472 --> 01:18:31,906
to some strange woman's house
in the middle of the night.
1497
01:18:31,908 --> 01:18:33,541
Can you ever really
know someone?
1498
01:18:33,543 --> 01:18:36,110
I mean really know them?
1499
01:18:36,112 --> 01:18:37,912
Sam knows everything
there is to know about me.
1500
01:18:37,914 --> 01:18:39,280
-Walt: Everything?
-Everything.
1501
01:18:39,282 --> 01:18:41,615
Come on. Old romances.
1502
01:18:41,617 --> 01:18:43,951
Past lovers.
Secret crushes.
1503
01:18:43,953 --> 01:18:46,687
Private fantasies while
you're having sex.
1504
01:18:46,689 --> 01:18:48,589
Everybody's got things
going on their head
1505
01:18:48,591 --> 01:18:50,591
that no one else knows about.
1506
01:18:50,593 --> 01:18:51,659
Everyone.
1507
01:18:51,661 --> 01:18:54,128
Well, I guess-- I guess
1508
01:18:54,130 --> 01:18:56,430
there was the time
that I kissed this...
1509
01:18:56,432 --> 01:18:59,567
I kissed this waiter, Carl,
at his restaurant.
1510
01:18:59,569 --> 01:19:01,102
But it was a Christmas party.
You know.
1511
01:19:01,104 --> 01:19:03,437
There-- there
was mistletoe and...
1512
01:19:04,507 --> 01:19:06,741
there was tongue
involved however.
1513
01:19:06,743 --> 01:19:09,610
-See.
-Well, I'm not proud of it.
1514
01:19:09,612 --> 01:19:12,213
In the movies everything's always
1515
01:19:12,215 --> 01:19:14,615
spelled out in black and white.
1516
01:19:14,617 --> 01:19:17,585
Real life is more complex than that.
1517
01:19:17,587 --> 01:19:22,022
And love is the most complex issue of all.
1518
01:19:22,024 --> 01:19:23,991
I bet you'll never guess
who I saw today.
1519
01:19:23,993 --> 01:19:26,026
-Who?
-Art.
1520
01:19:26,028 --> 01:19:28,996
Art: People are imperfect.
1521
01:19:28,998 --> 01:19:31,966
I'm neither condoning nor condemning.
1522
01:19:31,968 --> 01:19:33,267
Isaac:
God, the guy was so nervous.
1523
01:19:33,269 --> 01:19:34,368
...any particular style of commitment
1524
01:19:34,370 --> 01:19:35,469
over another in my book.
1525
01:19:35,638 --> 01:19:38,038
I went over to him
just to say hi, and he...
1526
01:19:38,040 --> 01:19:39,707
-He got all fidgety and...
-Art: wanted to explore couples.
1527
01:19:39,709 --> 01:19:41,342
...pale and sweaty.
1528
01:19:41,344 --> 01:19:43,410
The guy couldn't even
make eye contact with me.
1529
01:19:46,149 --> 01:19:48,082
He couldn't get away
from me fast enough.
1530
01:19:48,084 --> 01:19:49,950
He almost got hit by a bus
starting across the street.
1531
01:19:49,952 --> 01:19:51,452
Art: I've talked to a lot of people and...
1532
01:19:51,454 --> 01:19:52,953
Isaac: I think there's something
seriously wrong with that guy.
1533
01:19:52,955 --> 01:19:55,956
Art: ...and, ah, I've lived a bit of a life myself.
1534
01:19:55,958 --> 01:19:59,093
And if there is one thing that I have learned...
1535
01:20:01,197 --> 01:20:04,732
...it's that I have absolutely no idea
1536
01:20:05,568 --> 01:20:07,034
what I'm talking about.
1537
01:20:07,703 --> 01:20:10,070
(audience applauds)
1538
01:20:14,076 --> 01:20:16,944
Miles: The book is called
The Monogamy Denial.
1539
01:20:21,484 --> 01:20:22,650
What?
1540
01:20:25,154 --> 01:20:26,754
Did... did you fuck him?
1541
01:20:33,563 --> 01:20:35,596
I thought we had an agreement.
1542
01:20:36,432 --> 01:20:37,665
"No questions."
1543
01:20:41,938 --> 01:20:43,137
Yeah we did.
1544
01:20:43,139 --> 01:20:44,338
-Oh.
-Yes we do.
1545
01:20:44,340 --> 01:20:46,240
-Hey.
-You're right.
1546
01:20:46,242 --> 01:20:47,575
-Come here.
-Hey!
1547
01:20:47,577 --> 01:20:48,776
Come here!
1548
01:20:57,153 --> 01:20:58,853
Sophie:
How many times, Joel?
1549
01:20:59,689 --> 01:21:00,921
How many times?
1550
01:21:00,923 --> 01:21:02,489
-I don't. I don't know.
-How many times?
1551
01:21:02,491 --> 01:21:04,091
-Joel: I said I don't know!
-Sophie: How many times?
1552
01:21:04,093 --> 01:21:05,559
Joel: I really don't...
three or four.
1553
01:21:05,561 --> 01:21:07,494
-Three or four?
-Honey, I never touched them.
1554
01:21:07,496 --> 01:21:09,163
(laughs) Well they sure as
1555
01:21:09,165 --> 01:21:10,831
-shit touched you, didn't they?
-Would you rather
1556
01:21:10,833 --> 01:21:12,199
I not tell you?
You're the one that told me
1557
01:21:12,201 --> 01:21:13,534
-to be honest with you.
-I cannot believe this.
1558
01:21:13,536 --> 01:21:15,202
-I cannot believe this.
-Baby! Baby!
1559
01:21:15,204 --> 01:21:17,104
It didn't mean anything.
It meant zero.
1560
01:21:17,106 --> 01:21:18,739
Well if it meant nothing, Joel,
1561
01:21:18,741 --> 01:21:22,209
then what the hell
do you feel so guilty about?
1562
01:21:24,413 --> 01:21:28,616
Because... I love you.
1563
01:21:29,952 --> 01:21:35,022
Oh... and that makes it
all okay.
1564
01:21:37,693 --> 01:21:40,828
This changes everything, Joel.
1565
01:21:42,131 --> 01:21:43,364
I know.
1566
01:21:50,339 --> 01:21:51,538
I'm really sorry.
1567
01:21:53,276 --> 01:21:55,743
(sobs)
1568
01:21:56,646 --> 01:21:58,545
Art was right.
1569
01:22:00,516 --> 01:22:03,984
You men are all alike.
1570
01:22:03,986 --> 01:22:06,921
You think with
your dicks and that is it!
1571
01:22:11,260 --> 01:22:13,961
I thought you were
better than that, Joel.
1572
01:22:15,765 --> 01:22:17,097
Yeah. I thought so too.
1573
01:22:20,770 --> 01:22:21,936
Look.
1574
01:22:22,571 --> 01:22:24,371
Look. I-- I'll just...
1575
01:22:24,373 --> 01:22:26,774
I'll get a hotel
for tonight.
1576
01:22:48,431 --> 01:22:50,764
(sniffs)
No, wait.
1577
01:22:57,106 --> 01:23:00,174
Do you understand why I am
so upset with you right now?
1578
01:23:00,176 --> 01:23:01,442
Yeah...
1579
01:23:02,144 --> 01:23:03,310
...of course I understand.
1580
01:23:09,318 --> 01:23:11,318
I have something to tell you.
1581
01:23:14,223 --> 01:23:15,389
What?
1582
01:23:20,296 --> 01:23:23,364
Because it was me
who said "be honest"
1583
01:23:23,366 --> 01:23:25,532
and I meant it when I said it.
1584
01:23:27,636 --> 01:23:28,836
So...
1585
01:23:31,941 --> 01:23:33,140
Yeah?
1586
01:23:44,220 --> 01:23:47,321
Thank you...
for being honest with me.
1587
01:23:47,323 --> 01:23:49,289
I know that was
really hard for you.
1588
01:23:56,232 --> 01:23:59,199
-I'm really hurt right now.
-I know.
1589
01:24:05,608 --> 01:24:07,608
This is going to be
really hard for me.
1590
01:24:10,079 --> 01:24:11,845
Just tell me what I can do.
1591
01:24:18,254 --> 01:24:19,987
Just show me you love me.
1592
01:24:22,758 --> 01:24:24,024
I love you.
1593
01:24:27,129 --> 01:24:28,796
Joel: I love you so much.
1594
01:24:46,882 --> 01:24:48,315
Sam: This has been fun.
1595
01:24:50,119 --> 01:24:52,386
Now seriously, you have to
come into the restaurant.
1596
01:24:53,789 --> 01:24:57,091
You know, there's been a
few robberies in this building.
1597
01:24:57,093 --> 01:24:59,093
Do you think it would be
too much for me to ask
1598
01:24:59,095 --> 01:25:00,994
if you could walk to my door?
1599
01:25:00,996 --> 01:25:02,296
If he goes...
1600
01:25:02,298 --> 01:25:03,898
-Oh no, no, no problem.
-Candace: You've been so nice.
1601
01:25:03,899 --> 01:25:05,499
-Gave me a ride. -Oh my pleasure.
1602
01:25:05,501 --> 01:25:06,733
Asshole!
1603
01:25:11,574 --> 01:25:13,107
Okay.
1604
01:25:15,611 --> 01:25:16,910
Ah. Here we go.
1605
01:25:18,380 --> 01:25:19,913
Ah. Safe and sound.
1606
01:25:21,984 --> 01:25:23,217
Okay.
1607
01:25:24,286 --> 01:25:26,286
You know...
1608
01:25:26,288 --> 01:25:29,857
I think that you are
a very attractive man, Sam.
1609
01:25:30,993 --> 01:25:32,259
Thank you.
1610
01:25:34,930 --> 01:25:36,230
You find me attractive?
1611
01:25:37,900 --> 01:25:39,700
I find you very attractive.
1612
01:25:40,269 --> 01:25:41,568
Hmm.
1613
01:25:42,571 --> 01:25:43,804
Good.
1614
01:25:48,811 --> 01:25:50,577
No! God! Oh no!
1615
01:25:51,547 --> 01:25:53,147
Oh... what are you doing?
1616
01:25:53,983 --> 01:25:55,682
Stop toying with each other.
1617
01:25:55,684 --> 01:25:58,819
-I want to make love to you.
-You what?
1618
01:26:01,490 --> 01:26:03,824
I'm a very
straightforward person.
1619
01:26:05,394 --> 01:26:08,595
I want to make mad
passionate love to you.
1620
01:26:09,965 --> 01:26:11,632
I'm about to get married.
1621
01:26:12,735 --> 01:26:15,235
-She won't mind.
-How do you know that?
1622
01:26:15,237 --> 01:26:16,670
We won't tell her.
1623
01:26:17,773 --> 01:26:19,306
Come on.
1624
01:26:19,308 --> 01:26:21,441
It'll just be
between me and you.
1625
01:26:26,415 --> 01:26:29,483
Oh. Candace, you're a beautiful woman.
1626
01:26:30,819 --> 01:26:32,052
But...
1627
01:26:37,493 --> 01:26:38,859
No.
1628
01:26:38,861 --> 01:26:40,027
No.
1629
01:26:40,596 --> 01:26:41,962
No.
1630
01:26:41,964 --> 01:26:43,263
No?
1631
01:26:43,265 --> 01:26:44,464
No.
1632
01:26:45,834 --> 01:26:47,334
I'm about to get married
1633
01:26:47,336 --> 01:26:52,072
to the most wonderful, beautiful,
1634
01:26:52,074 --> 01:26:54,641
most special girl in the world.
1635
01:26:54,643 --> 01:26:56,009
We're going to have a baby.
1636
01:26:57,346 --> 01:26:59,279
I would never do anything to hurt her.
1637
01:27:00,583 --> 01:27:02,683
What she doesn't know
won't hurt her.
1638
01:27:04,687 --> 01:27:05,986
Hmm.
1639
01:27:07,389 --> 01:27:08,722
But I'll know.
1640
01:27:13,429 --> 01:27:14,895
Candace, you're so sweet.
1641
01:27:16,599 --> 01:27:18,632
But you're going to have to
find yourself another guy.
1642
01:27:20,069 --> 01:27:21,535
Sam: I'm too in love with Sammie.
1643
01:27:23,539 --> 01:27:24,771
Good night.
1644
01:27:25,474 --> 01:27:26,974
He's God.
1645
01:27:26,976 --> 01:27:29,643
I am marrying God.
1646
01:27:29,645 --> 01:27:32,079
Well I'll be damned.
1647
01:27:32,081 --> 01:27:38,085
This is a first. Porno Pete
really is just a watcher.
1648
01:27:38,087 --> 01:27:40,053
My Sam can watch
anything he wants,
1649
01:27:40,055 --> 01:27:42,823
just get me home quick.
1650
01:27:48,631 --> 01:27:52,232
I now pronounce
you husband and wife.
1651
01:27:52,234 --> 01:27:54,167
You may kiss the bride.
1652
01:27:55,804 --> 01:27:59,473
(crowd cheering
and applauding)
153587
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