Original subtitles

Rock music

Des Rocs' "Let Me Live/ Let Me Die" plays

[Mickey] Here. Shotgun.

[partier] Oh!

[all cheering]

I know pain, I know dread

Look, his eyes have turned to lead

The tears don't stop the fire

It's killin' time

Liam's team.

See your eyes got nothin' left

Kiss me, I am the cobra

It's killin' time

Oh, oh, let me live

- [Ian laughing] - Oh, let me die

music warps, stops

light music

[gunfire on TV]

[gunfire continues]

- Take that, motherfucker. - Stop shooting all my guys.

Part of the game, douche bag.

- Fuck you. - Uh-uh.

You're done, you're done, you're done!

- Yes! Uhh! - God... damn it!

Victory, bitch.

- You know what that means? - Ohh...

That means you owe me another blow job.

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Hey

When I'm feelin' myself I move like this

When you feelin' yourself, then move like this

- Hello, boys. - Now do it

When I'm feelin' myself I move like this

If you feelin' yourself then move like this

Now do it, just do it

Yeah

vocalizing

[Ian] And I'm bottom now, too, if you wanna switch things up?

I wanted to fuck a guy in the ass,

I woulda stayed in prison.

Get the lube, bitch!

Move

Move

Move

Mickey...[panting] I'm exhausted.

- Uh-huh. I don't care. - We been at this all night.

And now we're gonna be at it all morning.

Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth nob job

- I've given you. - Six, bitch.

Come on, get your cum dumpster down here.

[sighs] All right, fine.

But after this, you're getting dressed and showered,

and we're gonna be productive, okay?

Oh, don't you worry. I'm about to be very,

- very productive. - Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh! - [Ian grunts]

Ah...

mmm...

[chime]

[Ian] Oh... shit.

You can't stop mid-gobble.

Yeah, sorry, I got a text. Ned died.

The fuck is Ned?

Well, nice to meet you, Ian.

[Ian] So you drove all the way to the South Side

- for chips? - Well, a bag of chips

and, uh, ginger snap, I'm hoping.

Make that body work

Oh, come on, Ian, now, don't be rude.

Invite your boyfriend back to my place.

I mean, the more the merrier, right?

- What'd you call me? - What?

What the fuck did you call me?

[car horn honks]

I need somebody to rob my house,

and I'm hoping you could help.

Make that body work

- Hey, fucker! - Fuck!

[gunshot]

No fucking way! - [Ned] It is the toughest

badass fag beater this side of the Chicago River.

Fuck off!

Oh... right.

Yeah, I don't give two shits, man.

Finish up slurpy.

Not in the mood anymore.

[Mickey] What?

You fuckin' serious?

Rock music

[urine splashing]

You really this upset over some wrinkled old fag dying?

[muffled] Yeah, kinda.

Why?

I guess everyone I've been with

gets a little piece of my heart.

Wait... everyone?

Funky rock

I was hoping to get my hands on your hose.

- Take what I want - All right.

My muffin top is delicious.

You want the bottom half?

You did not order a muffin just to make that joke.

I should probably shut it off, but then I'd miss the part

where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy.

- Just do it - [Ian] Jesus.

We can have a nice time

- Gonna be a long night? - Oh, yeah.

Billy Elliot, cornholing the father of my children.

You ever pitch?

Usually, but...

I'm open, depending on what you're into.

Where are we doin' this?

Follow me.

You can go and make it happen

What's our safe word if we wanna stop?

Ow, motherfucker?

Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face.

Oh. Perfect.

Yeah.

J City playin' around

These rappers sayin' when ya around I'ma take him down

He get aggressive when they put me in the ring

I don't wait to take the crown

Come on, G.I., pound me like an Iraqi solider!

Okay, you need to shut the fuck up.

I'm winnin', I'm winnin', I'm winnin', I'm winnin'

I'm winnin', I'm winnin', I'm winnin', I'm winnin'

Admit it, I'll get it, ain't get enough

Yep.

Rap music

Okay, maybe not everybody. You don't feel the same way?

Hey, you wanna bang?

Do I look busy?

Rock music

Oh, at least you finally got hard.

Yo, Angie.

- [Angie] Yeah? - You wanna fuck?

Sure.

We're gonna have sex whenever I feel like it.

Obviously, I'll be the top since you're...

pretty much a chick, but you are gonna have to

stick something up my ass every once in a while,

or I'm gonna get real bitchy.

Get up, this is the price that you pay

- What the fuck? - You like the penis, yes?

Not when there's tits directly above it.

You want it up in your poo place?

No, I don... I want you to fuckin'...

I want you to put it away. Can you put that away?

Put that fucking thing away, please.

No, I don't.

You know what, fuck you.

What the fuck?

What the fuck are you doin'? What the fuck do you want?

Fuck off. The fuck are you lookin' at?

Tell fuckhead this is not over.

Fuck off. Fuck's sake.

Yeah, tell him to go fuck himself.

Fuck you want? Not my fuckin' problem.

Shut the fuck up. Fuck do I care?

Who the fuck knows if it's even mine?

What the fuck kinda name is that?

That a fuckin' gay joke?

Hey, if anybody's got something to say,

fuckin' say it. Shut the fuck up.

Fuck you! Didn't know she had a piano.

What the fuck?

Are you outta your fuckin' mind?

The front door's plenty wide enough

for you to walk the fuck out.

Oh! Fuck! Fuckin' A.

The fuck you lookin' at? Pi.

The fuck you chasin' my bus for?

'Cause I need you to go buy me a fuckin' Orange Julius.

I thought I told you to shut the fuck up!

You fuckin' bitch fucker!

Hey, fuck you, fuck you,

- and especially fuck you. - [Ian] All right.

[grunts]

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

[Mickey] No problem.

Excuse me for thinking I had your whole heart.

You do. The vast majority of it.

Vast major... What... How much is that exactly?

I don't know. Eighty-seven percent.

Eighty-seven percent. Not enough.

- You're being sensitive. - Maybe.

And you're bein' soft.

Yeah, well, it's kinda hard not to...

Cooped up in here with you all these months,

having to blow you every two seconds.

You know, you don't like it, you can leave.

Yeah. Maybe I will.

[Mickey] Of course you will.

That's your whole fuckin' M.O.

Is not.

Is too.

Well, I'm leavin' town.

[laughs]

There a queer rights rally somewhere?

We're done.

Fuck are you talkin' about?

I don't need to be fixed, okay? I'm me!

This is it.

This is you breakin' up with me.

Let's go.

I can't.

How 'bout like a...

temporary separation?

Wait. Are you dumpin' me?

I need some air. This whole quarantine thing's

- getting to me. - No, no, you don't get to

fuckin' leave again. I'm goin'.

Where the fuck are you goin'?

- Away from you. - Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna do, some thug shit

like you always do?

- [loud thud] - [women scream]

- [man grunts] - On the floor, motherfuckers!

Hey, Officer.

Oink, oink.

[Mickey] Yo, brown ass!

- Oh, shit! - Oh, shit is right.

Come here.

[man mumbling, whimpering]

- [Mickey] And curry says what? - [man shouting]

This is his errand?

Do I tell you how to do EMT shit?

Leave the goddamn stealing to the experts.

We just tell 'em we'll pay 'em,

and if they complain about it, we'll beat the shit outta 'em.

You were right. We gotta kill her.

Adiós, motherfucker!

Hey, Sanchez.

- Oh, no. - Time to pay up.

Fuckin' right, you keep your mouth shut.

You say that again, I'll rip your tongue outta your head.

You two can put that back,

or I can crack your skulls on the pavement.

- You want this in cash? - No, we want you to pick out

fuckin' stocks for us. Move your ass.

Cut his hands off, pull his teeth,

he can't even be identified.

Hey, you get the gun, I'll go get the saw.

We can bury that piece of shit in pieces down by the river.

- How much do we charge? - [Mickey] 50 bucks.

- Girls get 17. - 17?

Yeah. And we learned a valuable lesson.

Anyone can jerk a cock. I jerk mine, he jerks his.

Learn a unique skill, or shut the fuck up.

[speaking native language]

No one knows what the fuck you're sayin'.

[Mickey] I say we put battery leads on her nipples

and light her up like a fucking Christmas tree.

[electricity crackling] Aah!

[overlapping screaming]

And you're bouncing off the walls...

I came out for you, you piece of shit.

Aah!

- I got him. - Let me go, douche bag.

- [Mickey] Come on! - [woman] Okay, drop him

- out the window. - I'm on like the third floor.

[woman] Yeah, let's see if he bounces. Come on.

Go Milkovich on him.

Aah!

You know what?

Better than goin' off and having another

fuckin' bipolar episode.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What do you think of gaming? "World of Warcraft."

The business side of it. Online multiplayer gaming

is the future... I read all about it in a magazine.

Think you'd be any good at it?

[Ian] I went for a run this morning.

I have a ton of energy. Oh!

Check out this sunrise.

- Look at that... it's crazy. - Yeah, that's real nice.

Must really clear your mind watching a sunrise

after a long night of gargling old man balls.

Mm-hmm. Hey, how come none of us

ever learned to play guitar... or any instrument?

I was thinking that maybe we could pick up guitar

or-or piano, drums even, just... it's...

Hi! Hi! Hey!

The Army's on its way

Count off the cadence loud and strong

Two, three, four, wherever you go

You will always know

That the Army goes marching along

Oh, my name's Ian. I don't know

if I'm up or down or up or down!

Don't mind me while I just go off,

acting like a crazy-ass loon!

Good morning, Illinois!

Hey, why you crying?

You're gonna scare Mr. Sun away.

Heavy metal diaper!

- [baby crying] - [humming] Yeah!

No food... we go now. We hunt like men!

Up, up, and away!

You're gonna love Florida, man!

Pools in every fucking backyard.

Every backyard! Can you imagine that?

Ah, shit, I should watch my language.

Aw, shit! Fuck! I said shit!

Ha ha. You feel that?

That feeling is all our problems

just disappearing right now. Just...[whistles]

Whoo!

The sunset's fuckin' beautiful!

[howling] Ow, ow, oooh!

Whoo!

Hey, what are you doin'? My baby!

Tell me to calm down!

Who sent you? Jesus send you?

Did Jesus send you to take my baby?

[cop] No.

They wanna steal my baby! They're trying to steal him!

[overlapping shouting, baby crying]

Go away, go away! I-I'm sorry.

- I'm so sorry! - [baby crying]

Have a nice life.

- Don't worry, I plan on it. - I wish I never met you.

[Mickey] Me either.

I, Ian,

take you, Mickey...

Lisa Prank's "Perfect Love Song" plays

How do you know you love me?

Yeah, please proceed.

I guess that, uh,

makes us all done here, huh?

For a moment, I pretend I'm home

Fuck you, Gallagher.

If I lay still enough

I'm gettin' some new IDs, some cash and heading to Mexico.

Feels like we're in love

Gallagher's spelled with two Ls.

No, it's fuckin' not.

This isn't my first rodeo

By now I know

Nobody wants to take it slow

And you don't wanna be in love

- Stubborn... - Leave me alone!

Be in love

You don't wanna be in love

Means you don't wanna be in love

I just want everybody here to know I'm fuckin' gay.

With me

Comin' back?

Depends. Will you suck my dick whenever I want?

They say you stole a helicopter.

[laughs] That's hilarious.

Oh, is it?

And I hope I didn't say too much

You pay me compliments all night

I mean, look at Mickey marrying some whore he knocked up.

What?

How do you know if a guy you've been hanging out with

likes you?

But, seriously, this does nothing for you?

[Ian] Eh...

- Still gay. - [Lip] Still gay.

You ready to go again, or you, uh,

you need some time, firecrotch?

Take your hand off the glass.

I don't wanna be in love

I don't wanna be in love means I don't wanna be

In love

With you

Ian Gallagher!

[thumping dance music plays]

[Ian] You want kids?

Hell, no. With your mental problems

and my family's comfort with committing homicides?

I wouldn't mind a kid or two, though.

Well, there's plenty of strays

wandering around the neighborhood.

I'm sure we can pick one up for cheap.

Wow. You're an ugly motherfucker.

Well, at least I don't have to hide in a coffin

- till the sun goes down. - [laughs]

Ready to do this, Milkovich?

Damn straight, Gallagher.

[dance music continues]

Stupid... Gallagher.

Hey, dipshits, don't leave your shit layin' around

for someone to steal.

Morons.

Who the fuck wears those man-purses anyway?

[upbeat music plays over speakers]

[pounding dance music]

Time's up, lovebirds.

[Mickey] Get up.

That means get the fuck up. It's my turn.

[pop music in background]

Stupid Milkovich.

[gunfire on TV]

Come on, motherf... fuck!

Cayucas' "Yeah Yeah Yeah" plays

Eastside style with a westside smile

I'm gonna push away the Palisades

Whoa, that's different but it's cool

Different, hear the timbre

Rattle of the rattlesnake

And we were hanging underneath the bleachers

In my army-green colored cargo shorts

I stopped and stuttered

Turned around and muttered

"Damn, I guess I'm a dork"

Ah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

Catch me by the bluffs when the sun goes down

A buzzing barfly in Silver Lake

Feels like summer in September

'Neath the eucalyptus

And the versus with the shake, shake

And we were hanging underneath the bleachers

In my army-green colored cargo shorts

I stopped and stuttered

Turned around and muttered

"Damn, I guess I'm a dork"

Ah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

[clicking]

[clicking]

Ooh

- [clicking continues] - I'm feelin' mellow

- [Ian groans] - You're feelin' mellow

We're feelin' mellow yellow in the parking lot

Uh-huh, I'm feelin' mellow

- [dialogue inaudible] - You're feelin' mellow

We're feelin' yellow mellow in the parking lot

Ah, yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah yeah yeah, I'm feelin' mellow

You're feelin' mellow

We're feelin' mellow yellow in the...

You softy. [sighs]

I'm sensitive. You're soft.

- Remember? - Oh. Right.

So...

how'd your bipolar tirade go?

Oh, so crazy. Thanks for asking.

How did your stealing shit go?

Great. I have so much more stuff now.

Sometimes we really suck at this relationship stuff, huh?

It's 'cause you're an asshole.

Takes one to know one, bitch.

We're good at it sometimes, though.

We work well together.

- Hey, where the hell you been? - Jesus.

I went to your house. You weren't there.

My shift's starting.

Look, you got any money on you?

Two bucks. Why?

I need more than that.

- What for? - My bitch of a wife

thinks I owe her something.

Like I'm the only guy ever dropped a fuckin' load in her.

[man] Boys? Ride around the block?

We look like a couple fags for sale to you?

[man] Yes.

Well, this ain't Macy's, bitch. You ain't window-shoppin'!

You're in Boystown outside a bar called The Fairy Tale.

Why don't you fuck off 'fore I give you a broken spine

to go along with that limp wrist?

Yeah, get goin', you fuckin' fruit!

[bottle clatters]

Thinks he can buy whatever he wants

'cause he's got fuckin' Rolex and an S-class.

That shit happen to you a lot?

Every night.

From rich dudes?

- Gotta get to work. - Hey, hey, hold on!

Tell your boss you're goin' home sick tonight.

[Ian] Sick?

Yeah, whatever. Tell him you got AIDS.

Got a room upstairs.

You don't beat around the bush.

I know what I want.

Do you?

You like it rough?

Whatever you're into.

[Mickey] Say cheese, motherfucker.

[man] What the hell? Oh... uhh!

Hey, that's Bulgari. That's like 200 bucks cash.

- Nice watch, man. - I'm calling

- the fucking police. - [Mickey] Yeah, you do that.

What you think Claire and little Eleanor

would make of the photo

- I just took? - [man] Who?

Whatever their fuckin' names are.

Why don't we take a little trip downstairs?

- We can go to the ATM machine. - If you're gonna

take my money, least you can do is have

- the twink suck me off. - That what you think he is?

- Some twink? - He gave me blue balls.

Oh!

[coughing]

Now they're black and blue balls.

Yeah.

But we fight a lot, man.

It's how we started.

Started? That shit still happens.

Well, it's all I know.

I didn't exactly have the best parental role models

with Frank and Monica.

There you are. It's you.

- Hi, Mom. - I almost didn't get in

'cause my license is expired.

They thought I was a Muslim spy or something.

Hey! Oh, enjoy your big, empty, lonely SUV,

you motherfucking yuppie piece of shit!

Don't worry. We'll get another one.

Oh, yes! Ian, come on, come on.

Anywhere south of here is great.

Oh, a dog!

Oh, I want a dog!

Mm. Get warm with the dog.

Bye, Bill!

Thanks!

- I don't have any money. - No worries... I got money.

Go in and get us a table.

Yeah, go on in!

Really, go on, go on.

[Ian] What were you doing with that... trucker

- to get money? - I sold him something.

- What? - Nothing very important.

And it got us a lot of great food, right?

What?

You're a beautiful, beautiful man.

I did fucking good making you.

- [Monica] Aw, I missed you! - [man] Who's this?

This is my son. This is my son, Ian.

Hey.

Yeah.

- [Ian] Are you selling meth? - What?

I found some in your bag.

You're going through my stuff?

[Ian] Is that how you got that money?

Then what's he doing out here?

- Is he cooking out here? - He takes care of me,

and I take care of him.

And I'm happy!

Hey, what the fuck is going on out here?

- We're just talking. - Shut the fuck up.

- I'm trying to sleep. - Okay, we will.

- [Ian] Jesus. - The fuck you say?

Jesus. I said fucking Jesus!

Don't eye fuck me, motherfucker.

Did I make you hear me, asshole?

- Fuck you. - Get the fuck outta here.

- [Ian] Back off. - No, no, no, he's just tired.

He's under a lotta stress now, okay?

His name is Walter, and he's very handsome.

And I'm finally happy.

I hitched a ride with a tractor salesman.

People like us, we can be happy.

[whispers] I love you.

We're gonna be okay.

I'd love a dog, you know?

Yeah, like Terry was a fuckin' dream parent?

Hey, my dad took my brothers on a run outta town

for a couple days, so you wanna ditch that dump

and crash at my place, you can.

Was I just invited to a sleepover?

Fuck you is what you were invited to.

[laughs]

[no audible dialogue]

[Ian] Fuck! Shit!

What the fuck?

[Mickey] D-Dad, hold on, hold on.

- Mandy wasn't enough for you? - Dad, hold on!

You sick piece of shit!

- [both grunting] - [Terry] Huh? Huh?

Get the fuck off of him!

Tense music

No son of mine

it's gonna be a goddamn AIDS monkey!

Sit your ass down.

Fuckin' ass digger!

Tense music continues

It's Terry. Send over the Russian.

She's gonna fuck the faggot outta you, kid.

Ride him till he likes it.

And you're goddamn gonna watch.

In a way, Frank is worse.

Terry is worse in every possible way.

- Frank. - Terry.

Are we gonna fight about this too?

No. I guess they're both pieces of shit.

- Gallagher! - [Monica screams]

[Frank] I paid you! I paid you, Terry!

[Monica] What the fuck, Milkovich?

Get the fuck off me, you crazy bitch!

- This ain't about you! - [Monica] Frank, what the hell

- did you do? - Why's it always my fault?

- [Monica] Would somebody... - [Terry grunting]

[Ian] Hey... is that my shirt?

Yeah.

I'm just asking.

- Whoa! - Jesus!

[slow motion] Whoa!

Mickey! I know you're in there, you fuckin' homo!

Hey, Mick, you faggy faggot!

I got a little conversion therapy for you.

- You suck a dick, you die. - Would you shut the fuck up?

You're annoying the shit outta everybody.

Well, if it isn't the little shirt lifter.

Just want you to know, you marry a man,

I'ma put a fuckin' bullet in your head...

Simple as that.

Let go of the door before I...

I'm not gonna let go of the door

until you let go of the door.

- [Ian] Get the pepper spray. - [Frank] Aw, come... would you...

- Come on. - One more, Frank.

I'm gonna count to three.

- One... - Hey, Liam,

would you get me a blanket? Get me a blanket.

And some of that bacon. Get me...

Ah, fuck, what happened to three?

Look at the little shit.

Oh, my, my, my.

[laughing] Oh, he's a cute little fucker!

Oh, no, those are mine.

[Fiona] Come on, let him go.

No, put it back!

[Frank] Are you fucking kidding me?

- [Fiona] Hey! - [Ian] Get off!

- [Fiona] Hey, stop that! - [Frank] Are you kidding me?

- [Ian] Aah! - [Fiona] Fucking stop it!

- [overlapping shouting] - [Fiona] Knock it off!

[Fiona] Get away from him!

[clang]

[thud]

[Terry] God damn it! Ohh!

Fuckin' candy-ass motherfuckin' pussy!

Get these goddamn cuffs off. I'll kick your fuckin' ass.

You and your goddamn faggoty boyfriend!

You peckerneck bastards, you rotten motherfuckers!

You pig-ass pieces of shit!

Give me the goddamn meth!

Or what?

[overlapping screaming]

[Ian] Hey, get...

Aah!

- Fuck you! - [Frank shouting]

[Debbie] No!

[shouting continues]

[groaning] Uhhhh!

Aah!

I'll fucking kill you, you son of a bitch!

Ohh!

Ohh... God!

You fucker!

[continues shouting]

[man] Don't need no cops, Terry.

Don't need no cops.

[overlapping shouting]

[Terry] Come on! Uhh!

Fuckin' faggot!

Get outta my house, you pole-smokin' queer!

Fuck you! Don't worry about it.

I been stayin' at Ian's since you been in the can, bitch.

Guess what we been doin', Daddy?

We've been fucking!

- Oh, let me go! - [Mickey] I take it!

He gives it to me good and hard,

- and I fuckin' like it! - Let me go!

- Let me go! - [cop] Calm down, Terry!

Fuck you! I fuckin' take it!

- I fuckin' love it! - [cop] Get him outta here.

- Fuck you! - [Terry] I'm gonna

cut your balls in little pieces

and shove 'em up your ass so far,

you'll grow ball trees, you fuck!

- You... uhh! - What is your problem, Terry?

You been out for four hours.

Faggots! [muffled] Faggots!

End chords

[siren whooping]

Yeah, we're doomed.

Guess we have daddy issues.

What if we learned how to do things

like a normal couple?

Okay. Like what?

Like fuckin'...

light music

[bird twittering]

Eh...

Okay, uh, count of three, first thing that comes to mind,

something normal that we could do together.

- Yeah, okay. - One, two, three.

Funnel beer

- through our assholes - Take a bath together.

- Huh? - What?

[Ian exhales deeply]

[soft music plays]

This is gay.

We're gay.

I don't think I'm this gay.

No. I'm not this gay.

Can we just do one romantic thing together?

I don't know what you want from me, all right?

I'm not into frilly fuckin' smelly shit.

Jesus Christ, you want us to put a blanket out

and look for shooting stars next?

Liking what I like don't make me a bitch.

Doesn't mean I'm gonna wear a fuckin' dress or anything.

[belches] Douche bags.

Make way. I call crapper.

Shove over, faggots.

The cops decided to make the streets safe

for strollers and yoga mats again, fuck you very much.

You ever try to get me to move to Milwaukee,

I'll fucking murder you. Yeah, sure.

Got nothing better to do than watch a bunch of pruny queens

slap their sacks against your ass cheeks.

[Ian] Thirteen years old, she's bringing a shiv to class.

Man, I miss high school.

[thudding]

Motherfucker...

Hey... ah, found it.

- We don't believe... - Finishing sentences, Grandma?

- [Ian] Mickey. - That what you don't

believe in?

Why'd you climb through the window?

Bunch of fuckin' Mexicans out front.

I'm fuckin' busy, Peppermint Patty.

Go whine to someone who gives a shit.

- You can't let hate win. - Wake up little Mary Sunshine.

Hate always wins.

I fucked Angie.

Everybody fucks Angie.

You don't fuck Angie?

- No. - Wanna fuck Angie?

I could call her, get her down here.

- Can you take baby to funeral? - No, it's illegal

in this country.

Oh... that fat fuck?

He'd give a shit, believe me. All he's thinking about

is whether to have extra helpings of kielbasa

or pierogi at his mom's tonight.

[speaking native language]

I don't know what you're fucking saying!

- [continues in native language] - Oh, my God!

I don't know what that means!

Look, don't worry, we'll get a dick in

as soon as we can.

Yes, I wanna help. I wanna help

by shoving a shotgun down my dad's throat

and watching his spinal cord burst out his fuckin' back

all over his kitchen wall!

Rock music

Okay, you need to push the fuck back, nutjob.

Eat my cornhole, cocks!

I gotta do this with you again?

It's not a fucking Antiques Roadshow.

You get on the whole thing or nothing at all.

Think I'm gonna stand around here selling each piece

for 5 bucks like it's a fuckin' yard sale?

- We're thirsty. - Good thing

there's a sink in the fuckin' bathroom, huh?

Get the fuck outta here.

Get outta here!

And learn how to run like a dude!

That is the dirtiest white boy in America.

Jesus Christ!

You fucking never wanna do what I wanna do.

Maybe that's 'cause you're always trying to change me.

Yeah, maybe some change would be good for ya.

Fuck you. Why don't you change?

You're more fucked up than I am.

Bullshit, you're the king of fucked up.

Rock music

I'll head over by myself. I'll be back in a couple hours.

What, you don't want me to go?

Probably best if you don't, tough guy.

Watch me now, look at me goin'

What the fuck, Ian?

Sick of your whiny, pussy crap.

[Mickey] You're so tough, come here!

[Ian] He's a shit-talking,

bitch-slapping piece of South Side trash I fell for.

Where is he? The fuck is he, Mick?

Fuck you! Fuck me for giving a shit, you prick.

Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?

[Ian] Oh, he speaks!

You can give all the shits you want,

but the next time my dick is limp from all the meds,

don't go all, "Oh, it's okay. Wah-wah."

Just suck it harder, you faggot.

Fuck you!

You're gonna love it

Hey, you wanna fag bash? Make you feel like a man?

Go ahead... do it!

You're gonna love it

Get the fuck off!

[heavy breathing]

Got a premonition

I'm ready for demolition

Start it up, start it up

I want my recognition

You love me. And you're gay.

Just admit it.

You been waiting your whole life

[Mickey] Suck a dick!

For something this good

I wanna know how you feel, you know?

Put me up in that limelight

Runnin' it like we should

You're gonna love it

Just this once...

fuckin' admit it.

Feel like a man?

Motherfucker!

You're gonna love it

You're gonna love it

Feel better now.

Percussive music

Ha. Yeah. [laughs]

I don't do normal, Gallagher.

[Ian grunts]

I don't either.

[Ian] Ahh...

[Mickey] Fuckin' love you.

[Ian] I love you too.

[both chuckle]

upbeat rock music

Why do you do the silly things you do?

Beats the hell out of me

Why does it make me feel the way I do?

Got me weak in the knees

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Don't want to talk about

Ain't gonna talk about

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Don't want to talk about

Ain't gonna talk about

I'm going insane

I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

I'm out of my brain

you got me crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

I'm going insane

I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

I can't explain

You got me crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

About you

Whoo, ooh, ooh

Whoo, ooh, ooh

[Mickey] I knew you'd come. Come here.

Whoo, ooh, ooh

Whoo, ooh, ooh

Whoo, ooh, ooh

How do you keep me coming back around?

Gonna see you again?

I'm on a tight, tight leash

Why do you chew me up and spit me out?

C-c-c-catch and release

I'm going insane

I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

I'm out of my brain

Come here.

I'm going insane

I'm going crazy, crazy...

[door clangs]

I can't explain

You got me crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

About you

I rolled on the cartel I was workin' for, and in exchange,

guess who gets to pick where he gets locked up?

Holy fuck.

Oh, hey, I got bottom, so...

you're on top.

I'm gonna talk about

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

I wanna talk about

I'm going insane

I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

I'm out of my brain

You got me crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

I'm going insane

I'm going crazy, crazy...

Come here.

Whoo, ooh, ooh

Whoo, ooh, ooh

Isn't that cute? Little domestic bitches?

Mm. thank you.

I'm gonna talk about

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

I wanna talk about, I'm gonna talk about

I wanna talk about...

I love you...

Mickey Milkovich.

More than anything.

And if you'll let me,

I-I'd like to spend the rest of my life...

Jesus Christ, save the fuckin' speech, you pussy.

I'm going insane

I'll marry you.

Of course I'll fucking marry you.

I can't explain

You got me crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy

About you

I, Mikhailo, take you, Ian,

to be my husband...

to have and to hold,

from this day forward,

for better or worse,

richer or poorer,

sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish you

till death do us part.

The field underneath the tree

I, Ian, take you,

Mickey,

to be my husband...

to have and to hold you from this day forward,

for better or for worse,

richer or poorer,

in sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish you till death do us part.

[pastor] Now that Mikhailo and Ian

have given themselves to each other

with these vows

and the giving and receiving of rings,

I now pronounce you

husband and husband.

- Now? - [pastor] Yes, now.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause continue]

indie rock music

She pulled me closer

Under the crying sky

In greater New Orleans

End of a lonely night

And spirits watched

I thought this was forever

True crime, water into wine

Woke up with the wool over my eyes

She said, "Love, tell it to the judge"

Truth frees, but it's easier to lie

You did me wrong, but I played along

And it's a

It's a true crime

This is like the fourth time

I've Stormy Danieled your little Trump.

Sixth. Come on... get your cock pocket down there.

Fuck. I feel like a Russian brothel.

This is like the fourth time I've gobbled your turkey neck.

Sixth. Get your cock pocket down here.

Ugh. Happy Thanksgiving.

Jesus Christ, this is like

the fourth Showtime casting couch I've given you.

[both laughing]

Jesus Christ, this is like

the fourth sloppy toppy I've given you.

Sixth. Get your Clay Aiken pie hole down here.

Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth time

we've played swallow the sausage.

Sixth. Get your Mississippi bird bath down here.

Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth time

I've eaten your hot dog on a stick.

Sixth. Get your Alabama dog... dog whistle?

- Alabama dog whistle? - [crewman] Dirt whistle.

- Dirt whistle. - Dirt whistle.

Dog whistle. Dirt whistle.

Dog whistle's something different.

Jesus Christ, this is the fourth sausage swallower

- I've given you. - Sixth.

Get your Bulgarian scuba mouth down here.

Your, uh, Boston snowplow?

That's the only one that I remember.

Jesus Christ, this is like the fourth shaft flashing

- I've given you. - Sixth.

Let me try that one more time.

- Shaft lashing. - Shaft lashing.

Shaft lashing, shaft lashing.

Jesus Christ, this is like

the fourth shaft lashing I've given you.

Sixth. Come over here with that sweet lovin' mouth.

- Only on Showtime. - [laughter]

You must be joking.

What, you're... You're fucking him?

- What'd ya hit? - Girl at school.

Don't forget to check for hair behind the grill.

I don't know what you see in that geriatric Viagroid.

Why don't you tell me, John Wayne Gacy?

Guns ain't Garanimals.

Well, Sasha needs to find out

that my wife's a hooker, not a slave.

Jesus Christ, Russian whores know how to run their mouths

when there ain't some dude's junk jammed in there.

What the hell is this? Poolside at the Flamingo?

We got a line of clients upstairs

with their hands down their pants... go to work!

Don't think you're gettin' off just 'cause you're about to

drop a patty from your fur burger.

- Fur burger? - She won't shave.

- I like the way God made me. - That's nice.

You're late again, I'ma dock you 50.

- This isn't a shelter. - No shit.

Shelter has better water pressure.

- Oh, make yourself at home. - You got a problem?

This should more than cover the Bisquick, asshole.

Hey, you plan on giving a beatdown

to every guy Mandy's been with?

Your arms are gonna get fuckin' tired.

Hey, Nanook of the fuckin' North,

why don't you lose parka

unless you're planning on banging' Eskimos.

Yeah, you know when someone robs me

with my own fuckin' gun, they're not my friend.

I'm kinda funny like that.

Work it out with a fucking AR-15 to his fuckin' head.

That's how I like to negotiate.

Hey, Mrs. Patel,

can you jerk your fuckin' husband off once in a while

so he doesn't come back to my rub and tug ever again?

Lisinopril.

Should I Google it, see what it does?

No, you should give me some, and I'll let you know.

We have electric shavers, Jamaican rum...

and this.

That has a hair on it. You touch me with that,

I will knock the teeth outta your head.

- I will knock the teeth... - With this?

[Mickey] What the fuck is wrong with you?

- [Ian] En garde! - What is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with... Oh, my...

- [Ian muttering] - This is not funny.

I'm not fucking Star Wars...

[laughter]

- What's your type? - Redhead.

- I am downstairs. - Batshit crazy.

- Check. - Packin' nine inches.

Rock music

- What do you mean? - I mean people

will slip that bitch a roofie,

slap her to a chair, and pull her fucking teeth out.

- I stabbed him first. - No, you did not.

- Oh, shut up. - You shut up.

Don't fuckin' tell me what to do.

If you shut your fuckin' pie hole,

I wouldn't have to tell you what to do.

Yeah, please, that'll be the day,

when Ian Gallagher doesn't nag the shit outta my ass

and tell me what to do about something.

You know, if you just wipe the toilet seat

for once in your life, I wouldn't fucking nag you.

If you just picked up

- your nail clippings! - Who gives a shit

about any of that? We're in fucking prison!

- I do, you fucking pig. - That's the problem.

[guard] You sound like a couple of old broads.

I'ma murder you two if you don't stop talking.

Shut your face. I just got outta prison,

so I have no qualms about reaching down your throat,

through your intestines and out your fucking asshole

to take back whatever you stole.

Okay, we both know what we know we know...

that we know.

[Ian] The fuck does that mean?

Mandy's makin' eggs.

Put some clothes on.

You two look like a couple of fags.

There's an ATM card.

Congratulations. It has no fuckin' PIN number.

What're you gonna do, rob the same mailboxes

every day until they send the PIN?

Jesus Christ, what happened to a man's home

bein' his fucking castle?

Three things. This is my home,

you do have a small dick, and you started this,

all because you thought your wife's worth more

than a couplea bucks a lay.

Let me tell ya from experience: she's not.

Two hundred twenty bucks. How many Johnsons you squash.

Seventeen.

That's like 12 bucks a wank.

Do you guys know rich people count the number of threads

- in their sheets? - Fuck that.

I can't even count the number of stains in mine.

You know what they say...

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

It does if it lands on a dick!

What's he doin'?

He's getting us drinks.

Crazy how realistic it looks.

Where's my hug?

Girlfriend's gonna love this one, bro.

It's not my girlfriend. It's my mom.

Oh, you shoulda told me that

before I started workin' on these titties.

Oh... fuck!

I hear you give exquisite head.

I'm curious if your skills extend to both genders.

Fuck off, rectum boy.

I'm not here to see Mickey. I'm here to see you.

What, you trying to fagify all of us?

You don't fagify people. That's not how...

- What's your problem? - Sick of the smell

of goddamn mayonnaise. It's like getting screwed

by a bowl of potato salad every morning.

You were mouth and ass raped?

You kidding? I did the raping.

Milkoviches don't bottom.

Was Mickey adopted?

Is it as annoying as the way you lick your finger

every single time you turn the page

of whatever faggety-ass book you're reading?

- Okay. - My name's Ian.

I can't turn the page like a normal human being.

I have to put my whole goddamn paw in my mouth.

You know what, if you actually knew how to read,

maybe you'd understand.

Not, "Look at these fucking squiggle things

all over this piece of paper!"

[inmate] Every morning, the same shit.

You're like old women!

I came to prison to get away from my parents!

Eat my cornhole, cocks!

[inmate] Not if it smells like mayonnaise.

- Exactly! - [buzzer sounds]

punk rock music

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