Original subtitles

Brenna: It came on pretty quick, and it was just waves.

I started panicking.

She scared the living daylights out of me.

Steve: I've been a lot of things in my life.

I've been a bank robber and a prisoner,

but being a shaman is my calling.

Ayahuasca is a schedule‐I narcotic,

the same as heroin and LSD,

but it's not a drug, it's medicine,

and in my church, it's a sacrament.

We can do in two days

what conventional therapy may take years to do,

but only if you are willing to step in to the pain.

♪♪

♪♪

Tony York's restaurant was a breath of fresh air for me.

After I'd served time in prison,

I'd gotten out.

I got car payments to make.

I got rent, so I took this job working here

at Tony York's restaurant ‐‐

chef, cook, bottle washer, anything he asked me to do.

Tony: One day, Steve came to me and said,

"In case someone says something to you,

I am a convicted bank robber, but I have served my time,"

and basically I laughed and said, "Really?"

And he's like, "Yeah,"

and I was like, "But you're not wanted now?"

And he's like, "No," and I'm like,

"Hey, man, if you've served your time,

it's no problem for me, man."

That was one of the few times that I've ever told somebody

about my past that they just openly accepted me

without any further information.

Now, the harder part of that conversation is

when I had to tell him I robbed the bank across the street.

Even as I sit here,

my adrenaline is starting to pump a little bit.

I sat right in this exact location several times,

looking right over there, watching the employees park,

seeing who was coming and going at the bank,

finding the cycles of the bank.

This bank was picked off a map, some satellite imaging,

and the reason was, it's within 4 miles of an interstate.

We're within about 6 miles of a county line.

Mind you, I ain't dumb.

I'm not gonna walk in there in camo and ski masks

so everybody knows what I'm doing.

I'm gonna come in dressed as an old man,

hiding my identity.

I want you to imagine what it's like

when you walk into that [bleep] bank,

when you grab ahold of that door

and everything in you goes to ice.

You never know what's going to happen in that bank

the moment you say, "This is a robbery."

I've had tellers sit down and pee themselves

right in the middle of the floor.

I've had other people who all they did was just blank out,

and they wouldn't understand what you were telling.

I was fortunate.

I had a very experienced older teller behind the counter,

and she never batted an eye and never blinked,

and, boom, boom, boom, the money was in the bags.

There was no dye packs,

and I was out the door with my heart in my throat.

When you're coming out hot like that and especially

if shit has gone wrong and all of a sudden,

there's a cop where it wasn't supposed to be,

and the next thing you know, bam, bam,

the glass is shattering around you,

and you're [bleep] ducking and dodging

and [bleep] shit is happening so fast.

I'm taking curves as fast as I can.

My heart is still [bleep] pounding,

but it's just starting to slow.

I'm coming up on the church

where I'm gonna switch out this stolen ride.

This is where I jump out.

I got a vehicle parked right there that's clean.

I take that vehicle, and I go home.

I had just committed my 17th bank robbery.

15 years, 16 years later,

and I'm across the street washing dishes,

which at the time was humiliating, but guess what?

I see this was the other side testing me to no end,

you know, making sure I had just enough money

to barely get what I need while dangling this carrot right here

because you know how many times I sat in Tony's parking lot

watching the armored car pull up and looking at my watch going,

"Damn, that bitch comes every day at 2:00"?

You know how many times I sat here

and watched every member of this bank go in there,

knowing damn good and well the only that stood between me

and $280,000 was two women and a glass door?

You talk about a test.

This was my test, and I passed because I didn't hit it.

[ Bell dinging ]

[ Train whistle blows ]

♪♪

♪♪

The military and U. S. Army

just brings up a lot of pride and love for me.

I came from a military family many generations back.

I wanted to help people. I wanted to do something good,

and that was my avenue to do it at the time.

♪♪

But at the same time, being in the military has given me,

um, some, some... It's given me PTSD.

I've come home from Afghanistan with PTSD.

I was this badass medic over in Afghanistan.

Like, I ‐‐ I ran up a mountain while people were shooting

RPGs and AKs at us like it was nothing,

and now you want me to go to the grocery store,

and sometimes I'm not doing it.

The last time my PTSD was triggered,

there was a really drunk dude,

and the bartender had cut him off.

I just looked at him and said,

"Dude, she's just cutting you off.

Go home. You're stupid drunk,"

and he told me to go back to Afghanistan and die,

and the next thing I knew, I was outside with him

pinned up against the wall by his throat.

From taking part in this ceremony, uh,

I am hoping that I will finally fully process

at least one of the situations from Afghanistan.

♪♪

Travis: I have seasonal bipolar disorder,

and it's very difficult for me to function in society.

In summertime, I feel invincible like I can do anything,

and then the winter,

it's kind of like the story of Cinderella.

When the clock strikes midnight, the carriage turns to a pumpkin,

and everything just kind of falls apart.

Assume this is me right here.

I do ask my parents for money

because I'm unable to work during the winter.

That part is still kind of embarrassing,

being 24 and living at home.

What I hope to gain from this

is definitely the ability to live on my own

and not be worried about falling into this depression again.

Teri: If y'all would like to get your stuff,

we're going to go downstairs

and show you all the ceremony area

and where you will be staying the next two days.

Steve: Hello. Please take a seat.

Place your bags over there next to a bed.

For this ceremony,

we have Brenna coming up from Florida,

Walter, who's from here in Kentucky,

and we have Travis from Indiana.

When I first laid eyes on this group

as they came down the stairs one by one,

of course, my first sense was tension.

I mean, their body language, they were bound up tight.

You could tell it almost even hurt them to speak.

Walter is a returning member.

I love having returning members coming into the ceremony

because those are the people who remember much more closely

that first cup that was in front of them,

how harrowing it was to get through that first experience

so you could learn to trust Mother Aya.

Main thing I could advise you right now is just relax.

It's all gonna be good.

I know that's easier said than done.

I remember my first cup as it was set in front of me,

and it was unnerving and rightfully so.

This is no little thing.

Now, Teri will be pouring your cups tonight.

Teri will be in charge of your drink,

and so we're gonna start you off incrementally.

We're not here to throw you off a cliff.

Your first night, we're here to get you your balance

within the medicine.

It's kind of like alcohol, okay?

You ever been out drinking, and two or three beers,

you're feeling pretty good?

Get to six or seven, instant asshole.

Well, it's kind of like that with ayahuasca.

Too much is not good because what'll happen,

you'll get overwhelmed, and you'll become fearful.

I have done this personally over 400 times.

Trust us.

This lady right here has gotten more people

through rough experiences and rough patches.

I...It's phenomenal how she handles them,

the same with Tlawil.

Nik has a view that I swear is very calming,

very grounding.

Trust the medicine.

Trust yourselves and trust us.

Travis: My fear of taking aya is that it doesn't do

the positive work for me and that instead, I come away

feeling even worse about my life.

Brenna: When I got that glass in my hand,

I just thought to myself,

"Here we go. You know, strap in for it.

You're fixing to be on a ride."

Steve: Once they drink that cup, there is no turning back.

There is no ayahuasca antidote.

There is only one thing that will take ayahuasca off of you,

and that is time.

Ayahuasca is a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest psychedelic known to man,

but this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca is a portal to your inner self,

your subconscious, and through that portal,

you're gonna meet a goddess we call Mother Aya.

When your journey first takes off,

you may feel euphoria until, boom, the spike hits,

and the purge begins.

You may laugh.

You may cry, and you may do both at the same time.

You may puke or shit.

But each of those purges are a physical manifestation

of an emotional release.

That's when you truly find healing.

You ready for more, babe?

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

Walter: When I was in the throes of addiction,

my vice was pain pills.

I started getting a lot of anxiety

when I was younger when I was trying to figure out

what I wanted to do with my life.

Then I started having family issues.

[ Laughs ]

That never gets old.

Things really got bad right after high school,

and I fell into a depression.

I felt worthless, and all of a sudden, you know,

somebody just reached out their hand,

and there was a pill in it,

and, you know, I took it, and then it was like, "Wow."

I mean, it did make me feel better about myself.

It was a reprieve from all this negative

self‐talk that was going on.

I thought it was the greatest thing ever,

and I had no idea that there was a physical dependency in store,

withdrawal in store.

You know, I went through about two years

right before I got sober of trying to, you know,

to break that physical addiction.

Once I got sober back in 2009,

a lot of these anxieties that I carried with me came back,

and being sober, there's no drink.

There's no drug to turn to.

I can't say that ayahuasca has saved my life,

but she's brought me back to life.

Steve: Mother Aya come in that first night,

and she grabbed Walter by the chest

and threw him on the bed.

Walter: Everything was magnified.

Steve: People will watch me drink in ceremony.

You don't realize all the multitasking I'm doing,

even when it looks like I'm doing absolutely nothing.

I'm watching the spirits.

I'm seeing them enter the room.

I'm feeling them.

Mother Aya is walking by

and just caressing me across my neck.

She's just letting me know, "I'm here, and all is good,"

but to you, it's going to appear like nothing

is going on with me.

I want you to think of me like a service dog,

and when the spirits put on my harness

and they buckle me up, that's when I'm working.

I'm in the harness of a shaman,

and I'm in flow, and I'm in touch,

but when the harness is off and the ceremony is over,

I am just like you.

♪♪

Brenna: It came on pretty quick,

and I started to feel relaxed.

The muscle tension started kind of dropping out.

It just... It kind of helped settle me in.

I was a medic for the Army for eight years.

I was on a F. O. B. with 250 guys,

and I was the senior medical person on that F. O. B.

I did some surgeries while I was over there

and a lot of stuff that some paramedics and nurses

don't get to do stateside.

My job was to get them back home

to their wives and kids and parents.

Personally, I lost, um, seven ‐‐ seven U. S. soldiers.

You can't save everybody.

Still, I have a really hard time accepting that fact, so...

♪♪

‐Yeah. ‐Okay.

Steve: You could tell from Brenna,

first meeting her and her energy,

she had a lot going on behind the scenes.

She wore her mask well, yet you could tell it was a mask.

She was in a lot of spiritual agony.

I served in the Army for three years,

and I know what soldiers go through.

Starting to feel the medicine... Yeah.

‐...take effect? ‐Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna ask you to trust a soldier one more time.

With PTSD, what I have found working with people with it,

there is no normal

because there is no normal event that causes PTSD.

For some, it's one huge, big trauma that rocks their world.

For others, it's drops of rain that finally drowns them.

If you wouldn't mind,

I'd like you to take me back to that time.

What do you feel was your greatest moment

and your greatest accomplishment during your service

being a medic?

I think it was the little kid... Okay.

...that came in with a closed head injury.

He was brought to us by the parents,

and, um, we just ‐‐ we kept him alive

until ‐‐ until the flight medics got there.

Would you mind sharing with me your worst?

Um...

Where do you think the trauma began?

I think it was when Doc James committed suicide.

‐Doc James? ‐Mm‐hmm.

Could you elaborate a little more or...

‐Uh, it was August 4th... ‐Okay.

...2008, and, uh, he had been helping people sign up

for college, and he walked in his room

and looked at his roommate and said,

"I can't take it," and shot his self.

Was that overseas or here?

Yeah, that was in Afghanistan.

That was in Afghanistan,

just said he couldn't take it and...

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐...took the way out.

I take it you were close with him.

There was only three medics on the F. O. B.,

so we all kind of laughed and joked together.

Right.

Well, all we can do is forgive ourselves,

forgive those who have already crossed

and just remain open to what's gonna come through.

The more you wall off and contain guilt,

it seeps through the cracks,

and that was very evident when I talked to Brenna.

She had a person there who was a leader to her in her unit,

and when he took his own life,

she felt, in her mind and her heart and her spirit,

"If this tough man that I looked up to

couldn't handle the stress of this place,

how do they expect me to?"

And at that moment, the walls started going up

because she was still in a hostile environment.

She still had to function.

Her team depended on her,

but yet the guilt of this was growing

just as fast as her courage.

♪♪

Travis: Ayahuasca starts to work.

First thing I feel is kind of physical sensation,

like, kind of a buzzing up my mouth and my head.

Then I feel like my feet are a mile away from me,

and then I kind of start to lose sense of, like, having a body.

♪♪

Music has been my passion for as long as I can remember.

When I was a kid, I was walking around

with cables at my dad's shows.

He played for a rock band back in the '90s.

It's really the only thing that I enjoy actually doing.

I have seasonal bipolar disorder.

It's been going on for a while,

but recently the last five years have been the most obvious.

My slow season for what I do coincides

with my depressed season,

so I'm even less motivated to go out and get work,

so I could be playing, like, every night during the summer,

and then, all of a sudden, winter comes.

I might get two gigs in the winter if I'm lucky.

In this industry, you need to be a consistent person.

To, you know, pursue a dream, to pursue a passion,

you need to always be going after it,

and I want that motivation and that love for life again.

♪♪

Steve: When Walter first came to us,

he had already dealt with a lot of his addiction demons.

He had been through AA.

He had been sober for eight solid years,

but somewhere along the way,

this anxiety started welling up in him.

‐Just a little bit anxious? ‐Yeah.

I'm nervous.

A lot of these anxieties that I've carried with me

for a few years now came up.

Everything was magnified to the point where I just...

I felt very uneasy.

I did not like the feelings that I was having,

and I had this energy just turning in my chest.

Steve: Mother Aya come in that first night,

and she grabbed Walter by the chest and threw him on the bed,

and she pulled from him his anxieties from his shadow self

and brought them all to the forefront,

and this really rattled him.

Walter was totally off‐balance,

and she put him through the ringer,

but what he didn't understand at that moment,

the spirits, they're testing him

because they're very interested in working through him as well.

With Brenna, you could tell she was a little unnerved.

Brenna: I was starting to scramble around,

and then, at some point,

Doc James came to me.

♪♪

Tlawil: ...back of your heels.

Walk your fingers forward.

Inhale.

Steve: Tlawil is very skilled in yoga,

and I find that to be a very, very beautiful thing

before going into the second ceremony

when Tlawil is able to work with them through yoga.

And relax. Bend your knees.

Relax your back, your head,

your shoulders, your elbows.

Walter: When I woke up this morning, I just ‐‐

I felt a release from all that pressure and anxiety

that I had yesterday.

It takes a lot of courage to sit with ayahuasca,

sit with Mother Aya

because when you're really facing all your hard‐core stuff,

she will bring out the good, the bad, and the ugly.

When I first came across ayahuasca,

my father had just passed away a few years before,

and I was at a breaking point emotionally.

My dad was awesome.

We were close.

Once he was diagnosed with lung caner, he passed away.

I think it was three months afterwards.

After my father passed away,

I was angry at everything and everybody.

Why did things have to take place like this?

Why'd my father have to pass away?

For being such a awesome man, why did this happen to him?

I started having vivid dreams, and during these dreams,

I would have a black jaguar that would come and visit me.

To find out that the jaguar represents ayahuasca,

I felt like ayahuasca sought me out.

During that first ceremony,

Mother Aya made me feel love for the first time.

A lot of comfort and healing has come from being in ceremony

and having that experience.

Like someone is lifting you up from the...

Teri: Walter has been through a lot of shit in his life.

He's been through addiction.

He's been through ups, downs, sideways,

a little bit of everything, and inevitably in every ceremony

he's in, people just tend to gravitate to him at some point.

You know, they will confide in him,

and he is more than happy to sit down

and, you know, talk with them and help them out if he can,

and I genuinely feel with every fiber of my being

that Walter was put here to help people.

♪♪

♪♪

‐Well, hello. ‐Hello.

How are we all doing?

Ready for our second adventure?

‐Yes. ‐Yeah.

Brenna: This brew looks a little darker.

Oh, yes, little darker, little stronger

and gonna come at you faster.

The second night, don't come into it thinking

this is gonna be a roller coaster ride and woo‐hoo,

and it's gonna be fun.

You got to come into it

knowing the seriousness of this ceremony.

♪♪

Now, from here on in,

you raise your hand and tell us when you want more.

You're your medicine person.

Find your spot.

Just because it's poured doesn't mean you have to drink.

Again, this is no drinking game.

This is no tough‐guy match.

This is your healing, your journey,

your individual process.

The second night, I want to pull their pain from them.

I want to bring it to the surface,

and I want them to let it go and allow it to dissipate.

I want to take them out of their comfort zone

because that is where the growth is.

Mm‐hmm.

With Brenna, when she came out of that first night,

you could tell she was a lot raw.

You could tell she was a little unnerved,

but you could also see in her eyes that something

had shifted, not completely, but it had started,

and I knew if we could get her through to the second night,

she was ready to have a breakthrough like no other,

and there's nobody that I wanted it more than a fellow soldier.

♪♪

Brenna: It came on pretty quick, and it was just waves.

You'd go in deep to a vision for a little while,

and then you'd kind of surface,

and then you'd drop back down into it.

First thing that I remember is, I was put into a tube,

and the tube was filled up with water,

and there was a woman on the other side of the tube

telling me to just... "It's okay. It'll be okay.

Just relax," and she was just very calm,

and her eyes kind of smiled.

I was starting to scramble around in the tube,

and as soon as I relaxed

and just let the water come up over my face,

it was just... went on to the next thing.

And then, at some point,

Doc James came to me and sat with me.

He told me it wasn't my fault.

There was nothing I could do. It was his time to go.

You know, he said that I didn't have to forget

what happened in Afghanistan.

I didn't have to forget my friends, but that

if I didn't forgive myself that I would never get better,

and I would just keep getting worse.

He just made me realize I'm not God, you know?

I'm not...It's... You can't save everybody.

I think it was just a relief that I didn't fail him, I guess.

You were angry at yourself, your friends.

You felt abandoned.

Oh, I could just imagine what you went through.

♪♪

Steve: Tlawil is my apprentice, and Nik is my assistant shaman.

As an assistant shaman, Nik is being taught how to brew.

As an apprentice, Tlawil is being taught

the ceremony room right now.

Tlawil: Okay.

To be an apprentice and to come in brand‐new,

you must start from the ground up.

As an apprentice, you're going to have to come in,

be willing to dump puke buckets, clean toilets because I do it.

Everybody else does it, and you're not above it.

You know, as an apprentice,

I look at you like a shamanic healer in training.

What is that acronym?

You're a SHIT.

That's what you are.

We start off as SHIT, and we end up as SHIT,

and as a shaman, you must make peace with that,

and that's exactly where you start off

as a shamanic healer in training.

You're a SHIT.

Knowing that Travis was so musically inclined,

I had him bring his guitar.

I knew this was the quickest way to his heart.

It was the quickest way to find that scar

and soothe it so he could step beyond his own limitations.

Now, I understand that you have seasonal depression.

Am I correct? ‐Mm‐hmm.

Was there a trigger?

Yeah. I had a ‐‐ a concert that I put a lot into

and not a lot of people showed up for it.

Well, to a lot of us, that would seem trivial,

but it's not by no means.

So you put all this together?

I put it all together. Yeah.

‐And it flopped? ‐Mm‐hmm.

How'd you promote it?

Uh, posters.

Posters around on telephone poles.

Yeah.

And so it wasn't your gift of music.

Mm‐hmm.

It was the promotion that failed you.

That's called a learning experience.

Mm‐hmm.

It wasn't a rejection of you and your art.

Now, if I asked you right now to play me a song

that is one of your ‐‐

that is the nearest to your heart, what would it be,

the one that brings you the most joy?

It'd be a song that I wrote...

‐Would you mind playing it? ‐...called "Pretty Eyes."

Sure. ‐Thank you.

♪ Hey, pretty eyes ♪

♪ Take it in ♪

♪ Don't trouble your mind ♪

♪ Knowledge comes with time ♪

Travis was fragile, and that's because of his art.

He's a musician.

He feels things very deeply,

and he expects the world to love him as he loves the world,

and it kind of sets him up for a lot of pain.

Did you play the whole concert to an empty audience,

or what did you do? ‐I did.

I played it out, and, I mean, I gave it my best.

Put a lot into a concert

that not very many people showed,

and I think that is the seed

of your seasonal depression.

Yeah.

You were angry at yourself, your friends.

You felt abandoned. ‐Mm‐hmm.

Oh, I could just imagine what you went through,

and artists, their pain is their stock and trade.

There will be a day

that that pain puts together something so beautiful

musically for you, but you got to make peace with it.

Travis: Just talking to him, strumming that guitar outside

definitely opened something up inside of me

that either I closed off

or, you know, hasn't been awake for a long time.

I wasn't really focused on anything else.

I was just, you know, letting this music

come through me that I wrote.

♪ Feels like ecstasy ♪

♪ I never thought, oh, no ♪

♪♪

As ayahuasca started hitting my system,

I did feel relaxation just come over my whole body

and just a peacefulness and calmness kind of like

listening to ocean waves on the beach.

What I saw in my own world

was these geometrical, colorful patterns

but almost as if they were eluding me

when I tried to pay too much attention to them.

At one point, I felt like I was throwing watermelon

out of my fingers.

Yeah. I was like, "Look what I can do."

[ Laughing ]

And I thought everyone else saw it,

and they were laughing,

saw watermelon coming out of my hands.

The more I laughed, the lighter I became,

and, like, almost by laughing,

I was releasing these negative blockages and energies.

[ Laughter ]

Steve: Laughter is the best purge.

Steve: I'm not putting him through things for fun.

These are shamanic ordeals.

He came to me during the ceremony from the other side.

♪♪

Tlawil: When I am on a ceremony,

it's like the medicine itself takes over my body,

and I just allow myself and the medicine just go do

what it needs to be done.

It can be singing. It can be moving a rattle.

It can be just a quick

go bring some aromatherapy for this person.

Take this one with you. ‐Thank you.

Yeah.

♪♪

I do feel like I bring just a sparkle,

a touch of magic into the mixture

just because magic is all over the place,

and I like to point it out, and that's it.

♪♪

Steve: Now, I'm very interested in working with Walter

as an apprentice to become a medicine man,

but here is the deal ‐‐ he has to choose it.

Due to the way you have handled

your failures through life,

I am very interested in you progressing

as a medicine person, but we have to see

if you want to progress as a medicine person,

and that's what we will be after

as we enter this chamber.

We're gonna take ayahuasca into a hostile environment.

Tonight for Walter, I set up a modern sweat lodge.

This is a shamanic test.

We're gonna use a tent.

We're gonna use a propane heater to heat the tent

to a high rate of temperature,

and I am gonna be flowing some intense energy

right directly through his eyes.

Walter needs to embrace the chaos of his anxiety

and find his balance among it.

Where do you think this anxiety comes from, Walter?

I feel it's my ego trying to remain in control.

But you have the power to influence your ego

through your inner dialogue and through your spirit.

Just breathe.

I know it's getting hot, starting to get warm.

Starting to feel it a little?

Yes, sir.

How old were you when your dad passed?

35.

How did Mother Aya help you reconcile that

with your father?

He came to me during a ceremony from the other side.

What did he share with you?

That he wanted me to heal,

and he wanted me to step into my power.

Now, Walter, let me ask you,

what was gonna be your first step

if that anxiety wells back up in your life?

To walk through it.

And the better part of it is, you got to harness it

because that anxiety is also your ace in the hole

because that also will increase your awareness in ceremony.

You know, the worst medicine man in the world

is the one who thinks he has it under control.

Right.

Now how you're not sweating right now

while I got beads running down all over me is amazing.

I feel comfortable where I'm at.

Good. I'm glad to hear that.

We're in a womb.

This is us, you and I.

Steve: An apprentice must trust your guide.

Beyond anything else, he has to trust me

no matter what I put him through,

and I'm not putting him through things for fun.

These are ordeals.

These are shamanic ordeals.

That sweat lodge was a shamanic ordeal,

and when he didn't have a drop of perspiration

as the temperature rose,

I knew the spirits were shielding him.

They were protecting him,

and they were also conveying to me

that he is almost ready to take this step.

Well, let's sit here and just take a moment of silence

and kind of enjoy our energy together.

‐Yes, sir. ‐That work?

‐Yes, sir. ‐Excellent.

♪♪

Walter: When I was sitting in the tent,

Mother Aya came to me,

and she showed me the healing that I had gone through with her

in these past several months, and she told me that,

"Together, we have done a lot of healing,

so what are you gonna do?"

And at that time, the jaguar came down,

and he just locked eyes with me,

and it was a serious, stern look.

He was strong.

He was powerful, and that was a reflection of the healing

that had taken place with Mother Aya.

I don't know what Mother Aya is up to,

and I believe working with ayahuasca

and helping other people heal

is a part of my path, and I'm excited.

I'm very ‐‐ I'm very hopeful for this path.

♪♪

Walter: After this weekend and these ceremonies,

this is the first time in a long time

that I have felt this comfortable with myself,

and I feel whole.

You know, Steve offering me to become his apprentice

has meant the world to me.

Now, could you tell me what you were feeling

as we were doing the ceremony last night?

Last night, I felt a deep connection to you

like I was right exactly where I was supposed to be

at this moment in this time.

That's powerful.

The spirits are comfortable with you,

and I feel you're ready to take the next step

if you choose.

I don't want you to take this decision lightly

because it's gonna be a lifetime commitment.

Once you choose this path, it is your path,

and you must follow it through.

Right now, he has a choice, but once he makes that choice,

he needs to follow through completely.

Thank you. This is an honor.

Thank you.

Mm!

Brenna: I definitely feel like I had a breakthrough last night.

I think I let go of a lot of, um, a lot of guilt and shame

that I've been putting on myself.

Now, what's gonna be your number‐one priority

when you get home?

Just chilling and ‐‐

and letting everything kind of settle,

not getting back into the same habit of ‐‐

of getting angry and judgmental and everything

of ‐‐ of everything that happens around me.

Right. And is there any questions for me...

‐Huh. ‐...before we depart?

No, sir.

I just, uh, I have something for you guys.

Um, I just want to give you that, and thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, from one soldier to another,

I know what this means to you.

This is your combat medic badge. ‐Yes, sir.

‐Am I correct? ‐Yes, sir.

Are you sure you wish to give this to me?

Yes, sir. You guys have...

‐I am honored. ‐...helped me out a lot.

I am so honored.

Thank you so much.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you.

‐And this will be on our altar. ‐Yeah, and I hope you...

I hope you guys keep doing it.

You guys are saving lives.

This will be sacred.

Thank you. ‐Thank you.

Steve: She gave me her combat medic badge

that she had in Afghanistan.

As a soldier, I know what that combat badge meant to her.

That, to me, was a symbol of her healing

because when she gave that to me,

she let go of Afghanistan.

I was in awe.

I was humbled and honored.

I feel we have a lot of healing that was accomplished

in the last few days.

The difference that I see from the people

that walked through this door

and the people that are walking out of this door is huge.

Your energy is lighter.

I feel that you all have the coping mechanisms

to make the changes that you feel is necessary.

The biggest lesson that I learned from Steve is,

it's okay to fail.

Each failure is just one step closer to success.

Oh, thank you. I appreciate it.

Brenna: I don't feel angry at all right now, which is amazing

because I've been angry or depressed

for at least the last six months.

So this is, uh, this is awesome.

Walter: The healing that I've received

from the first ceremony to this weekend,

I'm forever grateful and indebted.

It's a beautiful thing to see somebody broken

and beaten down find some healing, find that release,

make that connection and find a sense of purpose.

It's a true gift and a blessing

to be able to do that for somebody.

Watching them leave one by one and knowing I just casted

another handful of seeds into the world to spread some love,

some understanding, some compassion,

that makes my world a better place.

It makes my grandchildren's world a better place,

and it makes my heart a better place.

♪♪

♪♪

Brenna: On the whole, I'm doing a lot better.

I'm getting out of the house a lot more now,

dealing a lot better with people on a day‐to‐day basis.

I think I'm a lot better

at being empathetic and sympathetic.

♪♪

♪♪

A month after taking ayahuasca,

I decided not to waste any more time

and just move to L. A., so here I am in Los Angeles.

♪♪

♪♪

I've accepted my apprenticeship, excited,

can't wait to get started,

and I can't think of anything better to do,

to bring the medicine to the people.