All language subtitles for Cake.S03E02_English

(discordant music)

MAN: I'll tell you,
that Karate Snuppy guy,

he loves sending motherfuckers
on an ambulance trip.

MAN: I'm so pissed.

You can't develop
a new fighting technique

in this goddamn karate temple
without somebody stealing it.

MAN: Whoa, you made up
a new fighting technique?

MAN: Yeah, I did.

It was called
the iron ghost technique.

It was quite complicated.

MAN: That does sound
pretty complicated.

MAN: Yeah, no shit.

Anyhoo, some asshole stole
my technique

and tried to use it
against the Karate Snuppy.

SNUPPY: It's all love.

MAN: Ooh.

How did that work out
for them, hmm?

MAN: How do you think it
worked out?

The guy got his ass wrecked.

‐(distorted blip)
‐Ow. What the fuck?

Anyway, Karate Snuppy sent him
to the hospital.

MAN: Karate Snuppy
sent him to the where‐spital?

MAN: The hospital.

MAN: Karate Snuppy sent him
to the...(gulps)

‐Hospital?
‐MAN: Yeah, man, the hospital.

‐(distorted blip)
‐Goddamn. Again?

MAN: No offense,

but your fighting technique
probably sucked.

‐MAN: How dare you?
‐MAN: Oh, and one more thing.

‐MAN: What?
‐(blip)

‐Damn it!
‐MAN: (giggling)

A little kick in your face
for you.

MAN: What the red robin fuck?

All you do is kick me
in the face

and criticize my fucking
fighting technique

that I made up all by myself!

I hope you like
ambulance trips,

'cause I'm booking you
on a vacation

to the fucking hospital.

♪♪ Unleash iron ghost
technique ♪♪

(distorted bleeping)

MAN: Wow.

This guy,

he got his ass kicked
in a real complicated way.

Damn, I've never seen
nothing like this.

What?

(smooth electronic music)

♪♪ ♪♪

(soft piano music playing)

So how do you feel?

‐Like an asshole.
‐Well, just relax.

This is called
neurofeedback,

and basically,
it's used to train your brain

to identify stressful thoughts.

(electronic whirring)

Now, when that sound
interrupts the music,

that means that
your anxiety level is rising.

‐That's the sound?
‐Mm‐hmm.

Just makes me more anxious.

Just try to focus.

‐Stay calm.
‐(sighs)

There you go.
That's great.

(inhales and exhales)

All right?

See?
There you go.

So now we're just going
to have a normal conversation.

‐Okay.
‐Okay, so...

was there anything
this week that you enjoyed?

Hmm, well, I took in
a stray dog.

‐Oh.
‐Yeah.

Just until I can find it
another home.

Martha is what
I've been calling her.

Martha.
How's that been?

Well, of course she crapped
on the rug right away.

Just like, I got your
wee‐wee pad in the damn corner.

What, it's not
soft enough for you?

(both laugh)

Right, and it was
your mother's rug.

‐(electronic whirring)
‐What the fuck?

I have things of my own,
you know.

No‐‐no, I know.
I didn't mean to imply that‐‐

Everything
in the basement is mine.

‐Yeah, I wasn't implying‐‐
‐I still have my own money.

Is that shocking to you?

Oh, my God.
Troll has his own things?

Yes, I'm‐‐I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Let‐‐let's get back
to Martha.

(soft piano music playing)

‐Okay.
‐(sighs)

So‐‐so what made you
take in a dog?

I don't‐‐I don't know.

I guess I don't really
get along with most dogs.

I guess they just
don't really like me.

What's different
about this one?

She's just dumb, I guess.

You know, 'cause right
from the start,

she just comes right up.

She's‐‐she's licking me
and wagging her tail.

And, you know,
she's just got this, like,

kind of
unconditional love.

‐(chuckles)
‐Hmm.

So you said
she was dumb?

You think that
because she loved you

that makes her dumb?

Is that what I said?
Ugh.

No, it's sweet, I guess.

Well, sounds like
you might not need

to find Martha a new home.

Sounds like she might
already have one.

(chuckles softly)

Maybe, yeah.

You know,
if she could learn to behave.

‐(cell phone dings)
‐Oh, hang on, sorry.

I got a text.

It's from my mom.

She threw the dog out.

‐(cell phone dings)
‐Got hit by a bus.

(cell phone dings)

‐She's dead.
‐What?

Yeah, it's dead.

(electronic whirring)

(whirring intensifies)

(whirring continues
intensifying)

Oh, shit.

(beeping and whirring)

Okay, I think
this is good for today.

(chuckles nervously)

You have my emergency con‐‐
contact, right?

(rock music)

♪♪ ♪♪

DAVID: This place is amazing.
Do you have Gymkata?

No, that one's always out.

(groans)
Karate meets pommel horse.

That's one of the most badass
movies ever made.

I know, I totally want
to reboot that one.

What about Quest for Fire?

That's the first tape
I ever rented.

Yes, directed
by Jean‐Jacques Annaud.

You know the Paleolithic
caveman language in that movie

was invented by novelist
Anthony Burgess?

Did he invent
Rae Dawn Chong's breasts too?

Because they were speaking
my language.

Can we get to my case, please?
My shift's ending soon.

Right. Sorry.
You were saying?

You guys know
Fowler's Drugs, right?

Oldest soda fountain
in the state, established 1922.

And it's never been hotter.

Really? A soda fountain?

Yeah, David.
Everything is retro now.

Just like this place.

People crave the authenticity

of VHS and vinyl records.

It's a yearning
for a more innocent time.

So I've been fucking a guy
who works there.

‐Okay. Uh‐huh.
‐Oh, I see.

‐Here we go.
‐His name's Kurt.

He works the fountain.

We started hanging out
and hooking up,

but I got careless,
and now I'm afraid I might be‐‐

‐Pregnant.
‐Pregnant.

What? No.

Dating.

Wait.
Aren't you?

‐(scoffs) I hope not.
‐Why do you think you might be?

One, we made eye contact
during sex.

Oh, come on, Meg.

Two, we got high and went
to Splash Force water park.

KIDS: Splash Force!

Oh, you went
to Splash Force together?

You're definitely
gonna test positive for dating.

Yeah, and probably
cryptosporidium as well.

Wait, what's that?

It's a well‐known
waterborne disease.

Damn it.

Can't you just
ask him what's going on?

No. Then he'll think
I'm interested

in knowing our status.

But that's literally exactly

what you're interested
in knowing.

But if he thinks I want to know
if he thinks we're dating,

he'll think
it's because I want him

to think I want to date him,
and I don't.

‐Okay, I'm lost.
‐No, I‐‐I get it, Meg.

You can't let him even begin to
think you might care about him,

because then
you'll be trapped forever.

David has been divorced
three times.

‐What up?
‐I know it sounds mean.

But I go to college
in the fall.

I have to focus.

Oh, really?
What are you gonna study?

Filmmaking.

I'm gonna direct incredibly
violent action films

starring women.

Ooh. An all‐female Gymkata.

That would be hot.

I know, right?
Kurt's just a junior.

I don't need some
boyfriend back home

sending me sentimental
dick pics all the time.

No, I can appreciate
why you would not want that.

So, uh, how can we help you?

I'm going to Fowler's
tonight to see him.

I want you
to watch us together

and tell me what you think.

In other words,

black ops relationship status
sitrep,

DEFCON level nine.

‐What?
‐Translation?

‐We're taking the job.
‐We're taking the job.

(dramatic music)

(smooth electronic music)

(smooth electronic music)

Some people donate their time.

Uh, some people donate...
resources.

I‐‐I donate both.

Um, whatever you can do
or not do to help,

um, just do it.

Because people are suffering,

and suffering, as we all know,
begins in the home.

Um, but it can also begin
in more insidious ways.

It can actually creep in,
uh, sometimes,

you know, in the public sphere.

I, of course, assert myself
in the public sphere

almost as a gesture of "hi"

but also as a gesture
of "bye"‐‐

um, so kind of mediating
between the two constantly.

Um, I struggle
with public persona

almost as much as I do
with private persona,

which is a‐‐very much keeps me

in a cycle
of repetitive terror

that I unfortunately find,
um, invigorating.

(rock music)

♪♪ ♪♪

JOHN: Maybe I just don't know
what dating means

to teenagers anymore.

You know what? I'll look it up
on the Urban Dictionary.

‐No! No, no, no, no, bro.
‐Yeah. D‐A‐T‐I‐N‐G.

Do not do that. No.

‐Oh, my God.
‐It's a weird sex thing, right?

There isn't enough lube
on Earth to make that possible.

Yo, Slender Man.

‐Yes?
‐Are you Kurt?

‐Uh‐huh.
‐Oh.

Are you dating Meg Yakima?

‐No.
‐Wait, no?

‐Meg?
‐Yes.

‐No.
‐Oh.

Boom! Case closed.

We will take two egg creams,

and not
the Urban Dictionary kind.

(door bell jingles)

‐Hey, guys.
‐DAVID: Meg!

You better hook us up
with some money,

because we have solved
your mystery.

‐Hey, Oliver.
‐Hey, Meg.

Wait, Oliver?

I thought you said
you were Kurt.

I am.

Oh, your name is Oliver,

but you are curt.

‐Also literal.
‐Ugh. Mind games.

But you said your guy
worked the fountain.

Not this fountain.

Come on.

(gasps)
Is this a speakeasy?

Asparagus, catheter,
bravo, fondue.

Yes, it's a speakeasy.

See, David?
Everything old is new again.

‐It's retro.
‐Totally.

These things haven't
been cool since, like, 2007.

(bumping electronic music
playing)

Wowie‐magowie.

This is kind of bumpin'.

There he is.

DAVID: Wait, so your dude
is a topless dancer?

MEG: He's very body positive.

‐DAVID: Damn.
‐JOHN: Yeah.

I'd deconstruct that text.
No homo.

Mm‐hmm.

I'm gonna go say hi.

You guys post up
and tell me what you see.

Ugh.

This is the thing
that gets me, David.

When we were growing up,

it was so cut and dry.

You were either dating
or not.

And if you had sex,
you immediately died of AIDS.

Ah. And that is why
you've never had sex, right?

Shut up!
David, you know

I just broke up with Elaine.

Oh, right, the fake lady
from Greensboro?

No, David,
the very real district attorney

with whom I had sex
several times.

‐Uh‐huh.
‐Before she realized

it was depressing
to date a guy

who lived
on a broken‐down houseboat.

But houseboats are, like,
the coolest thing in the world.

Well, it may surprise you
to learn

that accomplished
lady district attorneys

do not agree with you.

Uh‐huh, see, this is why

I don't mess with those LDAs.

The point is,
why were we even dating?

Why did we even use
the term "break up"?

Why couldn't we just have sex

while listening
to Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!?

Whoa. You really did that?

Every week
and twice on pledge drives.

Well, well,
my favorite detectives

have discovered Fowler's.

‐What up, Tucker?
‐We don't have your money.

No worries.

I'm on the tail end

of a three‐day
ayahuasca journey.

It's finals week,

so I won't remember
I ever saw you here.

Also, I love you.
Who got you in?

Uh, Meg Yakima.
You know her?

(laughs)
Yes.

An incredible filmmaker.

So we're watching her

thunder‐tongue
that dude over there,

and we're trying to figure out

if he thinks they're dating.

Oh, yeah, Kurt.
I've seen them together.

Yeah, so, look, Tucker,
we don't what dating

even means anymore.

So maybe you could talk to him
and, you know, suss things out.

‐Suss.
‐Suss.

Suss.
Suss.

Okay, you know what?
Maybe not.

Sure, I'll do it.
Be right back.

You know,
sometimes I miss drugs.

Me too.

(smooth electronic music)

(smooth electronic music)

(cat purring)

(purring grows louder)

(upbeat music)

NARRATOR: We were supposed
to leave yesterday,

but the winds were too strong.

(tentative music)

And then this morning,
the snow started to fall.

So we waited until
the afternoon,

until it let up

and the winds died down
and the skies cleared up.

It was a beautiful winter day
in the Bronx.

The perfect day
for a calm migration.

(goose honks)

We had only stopped there
for a week or two

on our way
from Shawinigan, Quebec,

to the Potomac Shores
Golf Club in Virginia,

where the weather
is just barely warm enough

and there's plenty of grass,

with a nice view of the river.

We'd been going there
ever since I can remember

and stopping here
by the Hudson, too,

ever since I can remember.

Always the same path

but with ever‐changing
landmarks.

Like the diamond‐shaped green
they tore down in Queens...

That had blue and orange
plastic

surrounding my favorite lawn,

before they turned it
into a parking lot.

(horn honks)

The Hudson is our last stop
before the Potomac

and also my favorite.

It's still one of the most
beautiful places in the world.

It's where I met my wife,
Sharona.

(goose honks)

It was only my second year.

I saw her
down by the lake,

dipping her feet
in the water.

And I knew then

I'd spend the rest
of my life with her,

doing summers in Shawinigan
and winters in Virginia,

eating grain and relaxing...

And flying that same path
for the rest of our lives,

along with the rest
of the flock.

Even as the skylines
all kept changing,

we'd stay the same,

and we wouldn't lose our way

because it's in our bones.

It's instinctual,

primitive.

I look up at the sky
a little before 3:00.

Wind speed, ten knots;

temperature, minus six;

visibility, about ten miles.

A perfect day to fly.

(triumphant orchestral music)

♪♪ ♪♪

As we take to the air,
I feel a familiar emotion,

a deep sense that this is
really where I belong,

more so than the lake
in Shawinigan,

much more so than the golf
course on the Potomac.

I belong here, in the air,

flying safely
over all the noise,

high above the city,

that unintelligible mess
of spires and skyscrapers,

that island which became,

for reasons unknown
to a simple goose like me,

the very center
of all the world.

♪♪ ♪♪

This is where I belong.

This is what God has intended
for me and my flock,

Canadian geese flying high
above the Hudson

on a cool winter day
in January.

This is all
I was ever meant to do.

(whoosh)

But the engines came at us
at 180 miles per hour.

(whoosh)

And my head hit
the windshield,

cracking my neck,
killing me in an instant.

The other birds at the front
didn't have any time either,

and the weaker ones
in the back

all got shredded
just the same.

All the kids,
the first years.

It was a complete
and utter massacre.

Among our fellow geese,
the story will spread

that it was because
I wasn't looking,

that I got distracted,

pontificating about life
and my place in the universe.

Among the humans
around the world,

the story won't even
mention our names.

It'll just say that

thankfully, no one was hurt.

It will talk about us
like an inconvenience,

like a puddle you step in
on the way to work.

And at least one groundskeeper

at the Potomac Shores
Golf Club

will think to himself,

"Good riddance."

Because all we ever were
to him were pests,

and all we ever were
to the humans around the world

was background scenery

or target practice

or alternative game meat.

(bell dings)

Because they never saw us
as real beings

with real feelings
and emotions...

(goose honks)

With homes that get too cold

and partners
that we fall in love with

for the rest of our lives.

They never even considered

that there was something
outside of themselves.

(melancholy music)

♪♪ ♪♪

Action.

NARRATOR: And so their cowboys
will immortalize their stories

on IMAX screens
with America's sweethearts.

We did our jobs.

NARRATOR:
But who will play Sharona?

And who will play me?

Who will remember
the fallen fowl of that day,

the birds who honked
but never complained

as the humans below
destroyed the Earth

and changed the terrain,

turning rural fields
into exclusive country clubs?

♪♪ ♪♪

Sometimes I think about him,

that weird little man

with his little
white mustache,

and I wonder,

does he ever think of me?

Does he ever stop to think,

"I wonder
what that goose was like,

"who he chose as a mate,

and where
his favorite lawn was"?

Did he ever even see me
as a life,

with a longer neck
and more feathers

but no less deserving
of understanding

and compassion?

Did he ever think about what
it must have been like for us?

(whoosh)

Whoa.
Birds.

♪♪ Tech external ♪♪

♪♪ Bet I know ♪♪

(pie splats)

(breathing heavily)

(smooth electronic music)

(smooth electronic music)

Hmm.

(pie splats)

♪♪ Thought my tribe ♪♪

♪♪ Could get me by ♪♪

Okay,
Kurt went to the break room

to reapply his body glitter.
What do you think?

Well, you were on your phones

the whole time
you were kissing,

so my working hypothesis is,
you're strangers with benefits.

Is that a thing?

But look what he was sending me
this whole time.

‐DAVID: Whoa!
‐Aha.

‐DAVID: All right, Kurt.
‐I see.

He's written
an e. e. cummings‐style poem

on his Norton Anthology,

which is definitely
not abridged.

‐Cummings. Unbelievable.
‐I know.

That's some pretty solid
wordplay for a dick pic, right?

‐He's in AP English.
‐Hmm.

"Dearest Meg,

you turn your boyfriend's
lowercase into uppercase."

John, that could be symbolism.

Do you think so, David?

Yeah, literary symbolism
or penis symbolism.

Yeah, I got it.

He thinks
he's my boyfriend, right?

Yep, and actually,
you might be the first person

to ever have a topless dancer

sincerely fall in love
with them.

Respect.

But, Meg, why do you need to
know if you're dating or not?

Why put labels on things?

You're young.
Go to college.

Enjoy the ambiguity of having
multiple sex partners.

Gross!
Who are you, my dad?

I'm back!

‐Greetings, Meg.
‐Hey, Tucker.

Meg, I need to tell you.

I was in the break room,

and I spent some time
talking with Kurt

and then some time
making out with him.

You're out here
tripping balls,

and you still seduced someone
in, like, two minutes.

Tucker, I honor you.

Namaste.

I can taste my eyes.

But this is good, Meg,

because if Kurt's
cheating on you with Tucker,

there's no way he thinks
you guys are dating, right?

Wrong. He totally thinks
you're dating.

He's SSP/HNM.

Same‐sex polyamorous/
heteronormative monogamous.

Ugh. That is so cliché.
How could I be so stupid?

I never should've gone
down that waterslide.

Ugh. So what do you want
us to do now?

Hey, Meg.

Hey, Tucker.

Okay, what‐‐what are we,
chopped liver?

Hey.

What? Oh, oh.

Sorry.
I didn't even see you there.

‐Oh, wow.
‐Damn.

Okay.
Cold.

Meg, can we talk in private?

Go ahead.

Anything you have to say,

you can say in front
of my two middle‐aged friends.

Oh, are they still here?

BOTH: Hi.

The thing is,
I'm breaking up with you.

No, you're not.
We were never dating.

I'm pretty sure we were.

Waterslides don't lie.

KIDS: Splash Force!

In any case,
I'm moving to LA.

After playing Portal
with Tucker's body,

I got a text.

Warner Brothers
wants me to direct

an all‐female Gymkata reboot.

Excuse me?

They saw some of my Snapchat
videos and were impressed.

But it's an all‐female reboot,
and you're a man.

I know.

They said a woman director
is too risky.

You're a high school junior!

I think they just wanted
a bold, edgy new vision.

‐(growls)
‐Don't be mad at me.

I didn't ask for this.

They just offered it to me
without me doing anything.

Yo, Meg,
do you need a pommel horse?

Deploy.

Whoa. What are you doing?

(grunting)

Gymkata!

‐(grunts)
‐(people gasp)

Gymkata:
gymnastics meets karate.

ALL: Gymkata:
gymnastics meets karate!

‐Weird.
‐This is the greatest place

in the world right about now.

‐(siren wailing)
‐Everybody, leave.

‐Cops.
‐(people clamoring)

Well, David,
it seems our job is done.

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐Ooh!

I'll give you a ride home.

The car is just over there,
inside that crystal rainbow.

Uh, how about
we call you a cab instead?

Sure.

Thanks.
I appreciate your help.

Hey, Meg, as your pommel horse,
can I ask you one favor?

Wow. Quest for Fire on VHS.
Thanks, man.

No problem, buddy.

You know,
I was gonna get Gymkata,

but Meg said by the time
their copy was back in stock,

we'd be dead.

‐David?
‐What's up?

Why do Rae Dawn Chong's breasts
have human mouths?

Uh, Tucker sold me
a quantity of drugs

and I put them
in our sodie pops.

Aha.

Well, I'm not
not enjoying this.

(distorted) It's fun, right?

(retches)

I'm out of here.

‐David.
‐Yeah?

I just made up a new language.

You want to hear
the first word?

Speak.

(gibbering)

Oh, oh,
I know this language.

(both gibbering)

‐Oh, David.
‐Huh?

You just ended a sentence
with a preposition.

♪♪ Tech external ♪♪

♪♪ Bet I know ♪♪

♪♪ Blue inferno ♪♪

♪♪ Get cold ♪♪

♪♪ Like the gray coats ♪♪

♪♪ Remind me of big boats ♪♪

‐♪♪ Binary waste ♪♪
‐♪♪ It's it or them ♪♪

♪♪ They'll keep you
for a couple days ♪♪

♪♪ Stuck with the water
when you need the blood ♪♪

♪♪ Moms can't stand your face ♪♪

♪♪ So you best call your cuz ♪♪

♪♪ Looking at the pigs ♪♪

♪♪ Through the window ♪♪

‐♪♪ Yeah ♪♪
‐♪♪ Blood ♪♪

♪♪ Head to toe ♪♪

♪♪ Pain when you begin again ♪♪

♪♪ When you get called in
for questioning ♪♪

♪♪ Turn up the heat
on the pork ♪♪

♪♪ When it's simmering ♪♪

♪♪ Stuck in the dark ♪♪
in New York

♪♪ I'm remembering slugs ♪♪

♪♪ They already
sweltered them up ♪♪

♪♪ Hit floorboards
when they enter in ♪♪

MAN: Hey, what's up?

Talking to you.
Yeah.

You know anybody
who wants to fight?

‐(clear music)
‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪