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ANCHORWOMAN
A XXX PARODY

1975, Los Angeles

Well, pretty lady...

...looks like you've got all the...

...proper qualifications for the job.

- So, only one problem.
- What's that?

You're a woman.

Yeah we've never had a...

...female anchor here at channel 6 news...

I don't think now is the time to start.

I'm a lot more than a woman,
I'm a journalist...

...and times are changing, Ned,
and channel 6 needs to change with them.

Look...
I'm familiar with what happened down in San Diego.

But up here, it's a different market.

In our viewers are used to us delivering a solid product.

What does that mean?

Look...

I'm sorry you know there's nothing I can do for you at this time

You know, it's a shame too because,
you know...

You're... you're... your beautiful women, you know.

Remind me a lot of an ex-girlfriend of mine in college and...

She was a dreamer.

I'm not leaving until you give me one good reason
as to why i can't deliver the news as well as a man.

I give you two:

Those juicy and melons are flying out of your...

...bra right there.
I mean...

God!
How is anybody supposed to concentrate...

...watching the news when you got sweet puppies just...

...in their face.

You mean these titties?

Sweet baby Jesus, those things are nice.

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying the view.

A powerful man like yourself, should have the best seat in the house.

Uh... What were we talking about?

I think you were saying, how channel 6 news...

...was finally ready to bring on their first female anchor isn't that right?

well, I, you know, I mean, we haven't talked about adding

...a little diversity to the station...

But you know, I mean...

I can get a lot of trouble and hot water over it, I mean, searing....

is there anything else, maybe, you could do to convince me?

Well

How about you put me on for 1 week during prime time?

I'll make your ratings go up and I'll also give you the best fuck of your life

Alright

One week, but...

Don't get all upset when you fail and I have to...

fire you and all that stuff, I know how emotional you brat can get

You have to promise me...

...if the ratings go up...

you'll keep me on during prime time

Allright, it's a deal

I mean you literally got me by the balls right now

but, I can get catch hell for this,
I mean

The owner as far he's concerned women belong in the kitchen

I was the one responsible for hire all most of the... you know...

female employees here

Well

I promise you, that thinking progressively has its benefits and you won't regret it

Oh god

Here's the progressive thinking

- Oh my good, you want me to come?
- Yeah I do.

You wanna come on my pretty face?

This just in breaking news so hot

it will literally melt your television set.

so I hope you have two television sets

I'm Don Merlot,

and tonight I'm going to take you

inside to the dragon.

A topic so shrouded in mystery

That I am the only man on this planet, who can tell it properly

Now I know most of my viewers at home

- Who's he talking to? There's someone else?
- Quiet, quiet. Professional speaking here.

I know most of my viewers at home

thinking that what they're about to see is going to be

awesome and mind-blowing. And it is.

but let me assure you I'm a professional journalist so it is my duty to warn you

the images that you're about to see

are sexually graphic in nature

and disgusting

and possibly racist

as I'm a

46 year old white man with a young Asian woman

So...

God Bless America

and buy savings bonds.

Well my Lady,

I have to say it was quite fun

but

i have to

- ...go.
- Where are you going, Don?

well...

in the real world,

I do something very special:

I deliver the news to millions of people each night.

I am the voice of trust and reason

I am...

...Don Merlot.

I'm gonna use your jacuzzi to wash, before I leave

so, don't lock up behind you.

Can I just say what an honor it is to work with you on the news tonight.

Hmm don't get used to it, sister

One slip-up and you'll be on that fantastic ass looking for a man.

take care of you.

What did you just say?

Oh you heard me sugar tits, this is a man's job.

You think having a fantastic rack qualifies you to read the news?

Next week you'll be filing unemployment.

It's Channel 6 News

with your beloved, award-winning anchor, Don Merlot.

Good evening, this is 6 o'clock news

- I'm Don Merlot
- And I'm Angela Fontana.

and keeping up with the stories are developing tonight in your world

a South Bay Area man is intensive care after being

bumped by two sea lions at a local

taco gym parking lot. On the story as it develops.

Ass, cash or grass?

As Americans are panicking over the most recent gas crisis in America

we give you great alternatives for transportation.

And could the lights in the produce section of your local grocery store be giving you brain cancer?

We'll have the answer at the end of the show, but first let's check in with our men on the field.

I'm Ryan Shasta. Pickup lines, do they work?

Been out here, the most popular jogging spot, after hours trying out new ones,

and I'm fairly certain I've narrowed it down to 10

watch I try them out

It says here you're a cheap.

or a dirty butthole, who likes to handjob in bus station.

Well you smell like dirty balls and red-hot.

That's actually my new cologne is called to 2-1 nights. It's an aphrodisiac. They actually put Spanish fly in it.

Are you feeling it?

Pretty soon, you're gonna be begging to gobble mine up.

You know I can give you a pearl necklace to go through those cheap earrings.

As tempting as that sounds, I would rather blow a homeless man, and put that shriveled-up dick in my mouth.

That's kinky, I would actually pay this. No joke.

This is a disaster. What are you thinking?

You said we need a gimmick to pique your interest.

Besides she's got great tits. I mean,

she's good I can.

What I meant, was like: get somebody

who was like a trained monkey

who could read their headlines. Not put some woman on the news.

How is this any different?

I hope you know what you're doing.

Ok, I gotta go take my heart medicine. My pressure is through the roof.

I anything should go wrong,

you'll be out on your ass.

Hey pretty lady,

what's your favorite number?

Oh wait, might 69, get it?

I love to get back. You know what I mean.

***

You're funny. What's your name?

My name's Jack Me-Off. I mean, Jack Hawk.

Want to see it?

That's hilarious.

- I think we should go out
- Sure

Nailed it. For Channel 6 news, I'm Ryan Shasta. Back to you Don.

Compelling stuff.

Now over to the weather.

Thanks Don.

I'm Rick Stormwatch, with your official local updates.

Prepare to see temperatures in the mid-80s throughout the week,

With some chilly overnight lows dipping down into the low 70s. 71 to be exact.

Back to you guys.

Any suggestions as to what the viewer should wear this week?

Well Angela, if they look anything like you...

...less is better!

Good one, Rick!

Let's head over to make burgers sports desk and check in with Jack.

What now is the point of having ***?

You take the top teams from the National League, you're playing against the top teams from the American League, and that's it.

But instead you let those damn gay babe greasy pricks into this league, they steal the whole fucking thing.

And I'm the one that gets dejected from the third base, ***.

You son of a bitch, it's not fucking over.

It's not fucking over, you hear me you son of a bitch?

Okay, okay,

another fascinating look at the world of family friendly sports,

with Tiger Jack.

Good work, Jack.

So we are all loaded up?

No.

No, thanks to you Ryan.

You know you could give a hand every once in a while?

Look, I'm the on-air talent.

There's one thing and one thing only:

I don't lift heavy objects.

This is with my unit.

And I prefer if you help me with that.

Where's the jogger you picked up earlier?

I turnt it down for you.

Now what you say? We'll go full round in that van again?

Listen.

I only jerked you off that one time, because you said my tits were giving you blue balls.

Not so we can hook up in the van every time.

Look I already know there's some raw animal magnetism at work.

Alright? Why fight it?

You told me you're going to get me in front of the camera with you,

i did this to become a reporter.

Not so I could be in command of jerking you off all the time Ryan.

Relax, cookie pussy.

Alright? I've already talked to Ned.

You done?

what did you say?

Well, I hate to break it to you but

he said there's no chicks

in the news

Then he said get your head out of your ass and threw a drink at me.

Kind of a rush.

There's a chick doing the news right now. You have to go tell them.

I will, sexy mom, alright.

But I'm gonna need more than a tug

if I'm going to war for you, my secret lover.

Fine. But you tell your friends

I'll deny it.

I can live with that. Now hop in that van. Wait, wait. In a kinkier way.

That's what I'm talking about.

(Fuck)

Technical difficulties. Please remain docile. God Bless America.

Hum, are you sure this is okay?

Oh don't you worry baby.

You just relax, I'm gonna take a look place is alright.

Just sit back.

- Yeah, alright, here we go.
- Okay.

Well, what if somebody comes in?

Doesn't matter. Doesnt' matter.

We take you on a journey, alright?

Yeah.

Interns gotta earn extra credit.

- Oh...
- That's it.

- Mustache tickles...
- A little bit?

It's a flavor saver.

What does that mean?

It means I'm going to take care of business.

- Wow
- Oh yeah.

It's business time.

A little dusty in here, but

that's why I brought my "womb-brow"

Oh my...

- Oh, your moustache you mean.
- That's it.

I get jokes.

Now that's what you've earned.

- Hey!
- What?

You don't touch these hair.

That's a golden rule on this.

Sorry, sorry.

Nobody touches that hair.

Thank you. I feel like a winner.

You have such a strong tongue.

- It's business too.
- Oh it's business.

- There we go, let's see what we got here.
- What do I have?

- America.
- I've been there.

- You're here now.
- Cool

I'm a patreon, now here's the flag.

There we go, get that flagpole up.

There we go, that's how you raise it.

- That's kind of romantic
- No, there's no romance in this

Okay, well whatever you were.

We almost went to brown town.

You're so funny, you're the funniest.

- You learned that trick?
- I don't know.

I used to be a dancer.

I thought you were. I'm gonna go to that strip club.

Oh god, you're funny, you're so funny.

***

Always ***

Yeah, you're you beautiful but I gotta get back to work.

- Ok, thank you.
- Don't flip side.

I'm signing out.

Do you have like a napkin or tissue?

I have great news.

The reports came in and
we're beating all the other stations

by a whopping 50%.

What?

Give me that.
It must be a fluke.

It's not a fluke everyone
loves Angela,

they can't get enough.

what turns out the light in the
produce section does not give you cancer.

So don't be afraid to grab
a pair of fresh ripe melons.

You catch my drift Angela?

That's right Don,

I've always found the best
way to check your melons

is to give them a gentle squeeze.

Well that's all the news
we have for you tonight,

Thanks for tuning in,

I'm Don Merlot, reminding
you to keep the class.

And good night.

The pleasure as they
say is all yours.

You're a heartless bastard, Don Merlot,

and to think I used to look up to you...

You know what your problem is?

I'm going tell you what your problem is.

You're a women.

You have a brain that's roughly
the same size as the dinosaur.

And everybody knows we
domesticated the dinosaur, so...

And another thing to:
you have a vagina.

And it has...

...hormones running through it
that make you unstable and irrational.

Mr Merlot,

I'm a damn good female reporter and

I will be respected, sir.

You're nothing but a cheap hooker

who screwed a way to get
into this job, okay?

I'm a professional.

You have any idea the pressures
that we face today doing the news?

This is a huge responsibility.

I don't even know why
even bother talking to you,

it's like talking to a pet rock.

God.

You know,

I think the novelty will wear off,

and then Ned will come to his senses.

(I wouldn't bet on that, Don.)

Looks like there's a huge spike
in ratings because Angela is here.

I think she's here to stay.

Well, super duper,

I guess if anybody needs
a award-winning newscast,

We'll be in the bar drinking ***.

Come on, Rick.

Tiger, come on, bring it in!

The nice, uh, rear end you
have there, dizzy busy.

Let's pour some gravy all over that.

Just bury my face in between
those biscuits and make you "hauuu".

Careful, sailor.

I've been known to bite for less.

See you later, ***.

What a pig.

I don't know...

I think he's kinda cute...

...in a retarded way.

You see, that's the thinking exactly
that's holding us back in our careers.

We need to stop thinking
of the men as cute and harmless,

if we want to break through the glass
ceiling they have over us.

I don't know... We're still women, right?

I mean,

I saw how you were looking
at him when he sat down.

I saw you were fantasizing about him.

You were practically drooling.

I'll admit... I thought he was
super dreamy when I first started.

But once I met him and
realized what a dick he was,

that completely went away.

That's true...

But if we held that against them,
we'd never get laid.

Yeah, you're right.

Ladies, let's just put
this all behind us,

and go celebrate these
awesome ratings.

First rounds on me, let's go!

Good. I'm ordering a double.

Okay, I'll admit it,

I've had a crush on
Don Merlot for a while.

But I didn't realize he was such a dick.

He made quite a first impression.

Don't let him get to you.

That's how they try to *** the station.

So there you go.

You'll get used to it. We all did.

Yeah. When they first hired me,

I thought I was going to be the
first female reporter on the field,

but now I'm just Ryan's assistant.

And he harasses me everyday.

Girls, you've got it easy.

Who do you think writes all
the sports stats for Tiger?

He's drunk all day long,

and he farts all the fucking time.

Yeah, they let me do the weather once,

and it turns out there wasn't even rolling.

And that's the weekend "wearecast"...

Wait... I think there's a typo
on the teleprompter guys.

There was a bunch of Japanese guys,

coming all over my face the background.

And then they threw
rubbers at me afterwards.

Who doesn't like a good bukkake ***?

Guys, I think we really showed them today.

Let's drink to no equal rights.

That's always a win.

I had to admit though I think I came
down on there a little too hard.

Like a hammer on the back of a gun.

You know it's the only thing that they understand.

You know that, right?

You give an inch,
hey think they're in a charge.

I like to give that
hot new filly 9 inches,

shove my balls in there too.

You're thinking about this the wrong way.

All ladies needs to be
told they have a pretty face,

and tell them they're a slut.

It's been proven.

- I love you man.
- I feel safe in your arms.

You should.

I'm very strong for a sports newscaster.

Read me a story.

I've been thinking about
what you said earlier,

about men being pigs with
only one thing on their mind.

So, ***

Who gives a fuck about the Canadians?

Unless they're hot rods?

Then we're about it.

- And the sport?
- Curling is really popular.

- Yeah.
- Really?

You know that was invented
over on Easter Island.

- During passover.
- Oh...

Thank you.

Follow me.

(I think she comes.)

Act like I cured smallpox.

Oh, Jesus... What is this?

Well, somebody decided
they knew where the party was.

This round's on me.

As a peace offering.

Are you jealous?

No idea.

Let the game begin, sisters!

It's a peace offering from us.

Piece of ass, I hope.

Are you so funny, Don Merlot?

- I am.
- Oh, you are.

That mustache is beautiful.

(You noticed?)

- I think blue is your color.
- I think so too.

I prefer it off.

***

*** move later?

Yeah, I've been working on it.

***

Do you remember when you thought
you were reading the news and uh...

There was nothing but
dicks on the screen behind you?

I do.

So hilarious.

This gets me to thinking...

I've always wanted to
do it in the newsroom.

Yeah?

Why don't you take
your pants off?

I'll go turn on the chroma key.

Tonight's forecast:

Heavy boning!

Followed by some scattered cum showers
all over your fucking face and titties.

So nice cock you got there.
What are you going to do with it?

Well first I'm going to
get this guy nice and hard,

I'm going to fuck you up your ass with it.

Then I want to pull it out and
smack you all over your face.

Hmm, I like it when you talk dirty.
What else?

Then, I'm gonna do a blizzard of jizz
all over your face and titties,

You worthless, cum sucking, whore.

what do you think?

Then let's go fucking
until your face falls off.

That sounds perfect, I think
your fans will love it.

Now why don't you come over here,

and let me show you

giving away presents for my new guy.

I got a hot throbbing
gift for you, baby.

Get over here.

This is so exciting.

Right here in the newsroom?

I know... So naughty.

*** be patient.

Scattered cum shower.

I think your forecast was right.

Yeah, 100 percent accurate.

You see my warrior animal in my eyes?

I do.

What is it?

An elephant.

- Exactly.
- I know it.

We say we ditch this popsicle stand.

My apartment's right
around the corner.

I want to see what's
underneath this polyester blend.

Let me tell you:

After we get done making love,

they're going to add
polyester to the periodic table.

Come. Show me.

*** way.

Trigger, don't wait up for me.

I won't.

Where did the bartender go?

I sent him home.

The owner gave me
a spare set of keys,

as I usually just kind of
collapsed in the basement.

Oh...

That's hot.

I've always wanted to do it in bar.

Oh yeah?

Well, uh, I'm here to you make
all of your dreams come true.

Yeah?

Hmm... Sounds good me.

That was way better than I
thought it was going to be.

I know it was, you're welcome.

...And uh... speaking of making
dreams come true...

I, uh...

I booked you a red-eye tonight.

You know that umpire that
you wanted to beat up?

He's going to be at the
game tomorrow in Dallas, and...

I thought you want to
give him a little visit.

Dallas hold on to your cowboy
hats because vengeance is coming to town.

The streets are going to
run red with blood tonight.

Get them baby!

So what do you think?

Sweet Connie Francis...

You know I have to say:

I totally misjudged you.

You're not the she-devil
bitch I thought you were.

You're kind of like
this horny prancing...

Capricorn.

Horny and lust, I like it.

You have a soul of a poet.

I have the cock of
a chilean sea bass.

Not because it swims upstream,

but the smell, and the size.

Take me to orgasm town.

Yes. Girls with big bushes and big butts...

...so we are going.

We are going!

- You have ***, don't you?

- I do, how did you know?

Oh I can just tell...

It really works your glutes.

It's freaking amazing.

What's that?

Is that my new favourite friend?

Let me smell your armpit...

Your mustache tickles so much...

You know what else tickles?

Don Merlot's tongue on your clit.

Is there anything else
you want to try, Angela?

Do you want to try something really kinky?

Kinky?

How kinky?

I'm afraid I got some bad news.

Apparently,

a video of rick threatening
to jizz on viewers faces...

was accidentally broadcasted this morning.

we've had calls from churches,

and one creepy fan threatening us.

I'm afraid that I had to let him go.

Harmony,

you're gonna have to take over and

do the weather until we
can get another weatherman.

Well, I'd be honored, sir.

Now, where is Don?

It's almost six o'clock.

Tried calling several times.

What "keep calling"?
We can't go on without him.

Well we're running out of time,
what do you want me to do?

Oh...

I can't believe what I'm about to say,

I mean, I'd rather have my nuts...

slammed in a car door thousand times,

than saying what I'm about to say.

But...

Angela you're gonna have to
be the lead anchor for tonight.

Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you!

Don't... Don't get... Don't get all...

weird with me.
I can change my mind.

Alright?

Just for tonight.

Of course.

Now go!

Alright guys, we're live in...
5...

4...

Thank you and good evening,

Don Merlot has the evening off.

I'm Angela Fontana, and
here are tonight's top stories.

*** last night...

Hello?

[A local woman is being called
a hero after saving her husband...]

Angela, is it you?

[that he set a flame when he
felt asleep smoking a cigarette]

No!

[The man suffered third-degree
burns on his face and penis...]

[but is expected to live]

[He is currently on suicide watch
at McGregor's General Hospital]

[Plus, angry protesters demand
former Channel 6 News weatherman,]

[Rick Stormwatch, issue them a formal apology]

[for threatening to cover them in...]

You whore!

***!

...who is doing a special
on perverts in the park.

Thanks Angela.

The park services and
local police authorities

have recently received
a rush of complaints.

about people having sex in a van,

in plain sight of residences.

But by the time the
authorities have shown up,

they're no longer to be found.

Which is why today I went undercover
to uncover the pervert in the park.

Hey foxy lady,

You ready for
another shot of love?

How about you hop on in here?

- And I'll put that 6...
- Oh no!

Hey, oh, whoa whoa whoa whoa...

Hey, I'm fucking *** ...

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

You can't arrest me!

I'm chilling, just... Dudes!

This has been justice for the people.

I'm Brianna, on Channel 6 News.

Thank you, Angela.

It's good to know another
dangerous criminal's behind bars.

Thank You brianna.
Stay safe out there.

It's been a hot
one here in Southland,

and it's only
going to get hotter.

Let's head over to our weather
desk to see what's in store.

Thanks Angela.

So we set record highs for today.

With temperature reached
as high as the 90s,

and it's only going to get
hotter as the weekend goes on.

To keep from overheating,

you have to make sure
you get yourself nice and wet.

Thanks Harmony. It's
important to stay hydrated.

Now let's head over
to McBerger's sports desk,

where Lizzie is filling in.

Thanks Angela.

The Rattlers took on the Buzzards
in the big desert Showdown.

covering the spread by 10,

giving everyone a little bit of
extra drinking money for the weekend.

Great job guys, way to go.

(In other sports news,)

(Seattle stopped Cleveland,)

(Oakland burnt down Tampa Bay,)

(my uncle Louis made
a pile of money on Ohio.)

(His booking pays off pretty good,)

(But if you're late
he'll break your finger.)

- ***
(- So it's *** even.)

And in other news,

a man who accidentally
drove on an airport runway today,

said that he thought
he could take a shortcut.

(Donald Ronald told the judge)

(that he'll find *** the shortcut)

(he's currently undergoing
psychological testing right now)

And that's why you
listen to your wife when...

she tells you to stop
and ask for directions.

Well that's all the
time we have for tonight.

Thank you for tuning in,

I'm Angela Fontana,

and remember: whatever
you're doing, keep it sexy.

Look, I upheld my end of the bargain.

But you know, it's time to go
back to the way things were.

Alright?

You had a good run.

I'm sorry but ***.

But Ned, the ratings are way up.

I've shown my breasts on
prime time and they loved it.

Look, I can't have a bunch of women
running the news station. It's absurd.

Why not?

We did way better
than the regular guys.

Calm down princess.

I know how you girls all
get when your periods all sync up.

But the owner the station

will never allow it.

I can hear him right now saying it,

over my dead body.

Not so fast Ned.

Hey Sandra, does Gary
knows you're here?

You know how upset he gets when
his dinners not ready on time.

Gary's dead.

He choked on a hot dog when he's
watching Harmony in a wet T-shirt.

See... I hope you're happy...

You killed a man.

Give it a rest.
From now on I'm in charge.

These girls are going anywhere.
It's time for a change.

Now Sandra,

I know you're upset
over the passing of Gary but

how about we just go
and let me do my job and now...

go back to the things
the way things always are.

I don't know about you ladies,

but, I've had just about enough
for one man, in a lifetime.

I think it's time for
change around here.

You're fired Ned go, get out.

Get your shit and get out of here.

You know nothing

about running a station.

You know, in fact, by next week,

you're going to be
begging to have me back here.

Don't let the door hit you
on the way out, jackass.

So what about Don and
his news channel 6 team?

I'm getting rid of them as well.

The ratings prove it's time for a change.

From now on, you

and you girls are going
to be the new channel 6.

How does that sound?

Like music to my fucking ears.

Oh baby don't you stop.

You're so good, so good.

I have *** before.

Jesus Christ...

Ryan Shasta became the host for a new late
night cables series called "sex on wheels".

He was arrested 16 times during his first week.

Tiger Jack went on to work for a
regional affiliate on their sports desk.

On the weekends he enjoys exposing himself
to joggers and getting his ass beat.

What can I get for you? One?

Alright.

One footlong hot dog.
A little shy, but that's ok.

Thank you so much.

That should go nicely with these
mild temperatures were having, right?

Remember,

There's a cold front
coming in by the end of the week,

so remember to pack your
jackets if you plan to go out.

- Okay, thanks.
- Thank you!

Rick bought a food cart and now sells low-tier
hot dogs outside of sporting events,
night clubs, and Bar Mitzyahs.

Nothing refreshes you
more than the tall, warm,

glass of Don Merlot.

And we're back with "Boobie Talk",

where we talk about boobs,

more boobs,

all kinds of boobs.

Including, asian boobs,

black boobs,

Viking boobs, and even Martian boobs.

Boobs of all types
for all walks of life.

Don started his own show on public access called
Boobie Talk, which became an instant hit with frat
guys, carnies and men still living at
home with their mothers.

And that's what's happening in
your part of the world tonight.

Thank you for joining us
here at Channel 6 news,

where we know how to give it
to you just how you like it.

And remember:

Keep sexy!

Angela and her girls went on to be the number one
news team in America, starting a trend that
paved the way for other women to fuck
their way to the job of their dreams.

CREDITS:

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