All language subtitles for One Foot S06E02 - Tales of Terror

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

Oh, is that right, Mr Blisset?

Well, funnily enough,
the fact that you've got it firmly in hand

does not surprise me at all

It's exactly what I would expect
from a complete and utter wa

What?

I ordered a crazy-paved path for the front garden

Where does a pile of bricks come into it?

Oh yes, and I've stopped that cheque for the thing
you laughingly call a barbeque out the back there,

which hasn't been in the right place since day one

Yes, well you can threaten me
all you like, Mr Blisset

You're not getting a penny of my money
now or ever!

Oh, when will it ever end?

When they carry me out of here in a box

It's not my doing, all this

-People just can't be bothered any more
-Yes

Like buying a new car with a pornographic
number plate wasn't your doing

Got stuck in a funeral procession this morning

The mourners were upset enough

without having to stare at that obscenity
all the way to the crematorium

(GROANING)

Do we have to have this
stuck up inside a food cupboard?

It's just while I'm doing my tests
You know what the doctor said

To keep a watch for any marked change
in frequency or consistency

Yes, all right I don't think
we need to go into the details Thank you

Now, are you going to go out
and cover those things up?

-There's some Elastoplast in the top cupboard
-Yes, in a second

MARGARET: Oh

What's this?

-Oh, from Ronnie and Mildred Read it and weep
-Why, what's it say?

Do you remember
that message he left us on April 1 st

saying did we fancy two tickets to the Bahamas
that he'd won in the firm's raffle

because Mildred wasn't well enough to go?

Yes, which was obviously an April Fool's
so we didn't bother to reply

Oh, you're joking

Absolutely genuine

Gave it to the next door neighbours
They had the time of their lives

It says in there
that Mildred's still going through a dodgy patch

but they're both dying to meet up again
and he's going to give us a ring

to try and arrange something

Oh, God!
And the answering machine is not working

We'll have to declare a full code red

Let every call ring
Then dial 1 4 71 and see if it's safe to phone back

I knew it was a bad sign this morning
when I ran out of vests

and had to put one of their novelty T-shirts on

Why do people always want to ''meet up''?

Bad enough we've got Mrs Warboys
coming around tonight with Cousin Wilf

with that weird voice synthesizer thing of his
and his Palmtop

Like having tea with a Dalek

Well, if the poor man can't speak since his stroke,
what else is he supposed to do?

It's a marvellous invention, really

Well, if he'd learn to type properly

I haven't forgotten the last time they were here

when he asked me to put
some hot mustard on his rhubarb

Neither does he

NICK: Morning, Mr Meldrew

I see your butt's in a sorry state
at the moment then

What?

Oh, yeah Well, of course,
we haven't really had the rain, so

-If you stand back, I'll give you a top-up
-Sorry?

Yes, yes, thank you very much That'll do for now

Oh, yes Gardens have been getting a bit
dry all over lately

Weathermen say there's more to come

-Where did that come from?
-Sorry?

Oh, yes I've just been giving it
a quick rinse through ready for its next outing

Very realistic, they make them nowadays

When I first started in amateur dramatics you had
to make do with a face painted on a balloon

Right So you're doing some kind of play

Oh, yes, I've just completed
a very successful tour of nursing homes

with Murders in the Rue Morgue.

Seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s

Yes, we found from experience
that anything without a decapitation in it,

they tend to start nodding off

So, and of course, for this one,

Mr Snoxle gave us his rather splendid orangutan

So, it was quite a hit, all in all

Oh, really? Mr Snoxle?

-I didn't know he had one
-What's that?

-An orangutan
-Sorry?

Oh, no, no, no, no That's just
an expression we use in theatrical circles

I mean, he gave us his portrayal of an orangutan

I could be naughty
and say he's got a bit of a head start

Anyway, for our next production
in our season Tales of Terror,

we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire,
which should be quite a good one

We've got little Mrs Impey from number 1 0

playing the headless corpse of Lucy Westenras

and, fingers crossed, for the title role,

we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins
from the chip shop

(WOMAN HOOTING)

Oh, hello, Mrs Impey
Just a tick and I'll unlock the gate for you

I was telling Mr Meldrew I've just put your head

through some Stergene
so it's all nice and fresh for you

Well, I wish you luck with it all, anyway

Yeah, bye-bye to you

And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe,
you know where it is

And I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85
Would you, Wilf?

Whizzing about around that great big house
in his wheelchair

His wife was talking
about getting some speed ramps

put in along the upstairs landing

If she can get a grant from the council

SYNTHESIZER: It was so nice to see
my brothel again after all these years.

Yes Yes, it must have been

And this was up in Pontefract did you say?

Which is an awfully long time
in a car these days for Wilf

Especially in the hot weather

SYNTHESIZER: I was violently sick 1 1 times.

-Oh, dear
-Now, while I think of it

Check

Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew,

from the local deli up there

Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys

And I remembered you saying
you were in need of a new jigsaw,

for something to do in the evenings

So

Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys

That's Sheffield Steel It'll last you a lifetime

SYNTHESIZER:
I am just going to go to the lavoraty.

You know where it is, Wilf

Bless him He's coping so well

And you know it's his 75th birthday
coming up this Friday

I was thinking of taking him
to the Old Moat House, just up the road from here

for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate

I know he'd absolutely love it
if you and Victor could join us

So, what do you say?

Well, actually, we'd love to come

But unfortunately,
we've got to go to a funeral on Friday

An old friend of the family

And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day

-Oh, dear What a shame
-Isn't it always the way?

Yes, well

SYNTHESIZER:
Could someone get me a bra of soup?

Victor, you dare!

What do you want to go and tell them
a lie like that for?

Say we're going to a funeral of all things

What else was I supposed to say?
No, thanks, we'd both be bored witless?

And you'll be glad of it
when next Friday comes around

Hmm, I suppose

It's like you say

Why do people always want to meet up?

Ha!

They've finally taken away that pile of bricks,
I see Will wonders never cease?

You say I shouldn't keep on at them,

but it's the only language they understand,
I'm afraid

What in the name of!

When did they do?

Can you believe this?

What is it now, for goodness?

Is that a real wall?

Oh, they can't have done

You see now
the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with?

Break into your house in the middle of the night
and do a thing like this!

What were they using? Muffled hods?

Well, we'll have to call somebody
The fire brigade or another builder

Chances are, they'll have it down
in a couple of hours

Couple of hours?

My bladder won't last five minutes

Who are you ringing?

Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end,
Mr Meldrew,

where you'd normally fit it onto a tap

VICTOR: Yes, right

(VICTOR EXCLAIMING)

Just hurry up, please,
and let me know when you're ready

Right, yes, sorry

In your own time then, Mr Meldrew

God spare us all

Sorry, Mr Dimkins, when you say
a problem empathising with the character,

which particular? The blood-sucking

And turning into a wolf

No, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying,
and thank you for letting me know anyway

Erm Bye-bye to you

Can I offer you a bite at all?

Sorry?

Oh, no It's more than I dare to
Now, I have managed to get it all off

Now, that's a bit of bad news Mr Dimkins
from the chip shop has just turned us down

The vampire part?

So, what do you think you'll do now, then?

I don't suppose there's any way

it would interest you at all?

WOMAN: Oh, my God! No, no! No!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

No, thanks ever so much
It was really useful actually

It's given me some great insights,
I think, on where to go with it all

Pleasure Well, I'll see you at rehearsals then,
Lindsey, on Friday

Okay, yep Bye

You know, it's a shame about Christopher Lee

He never quite managed to pull it off somehow,
did he?

Never really got under the skin of the character

As far as I could see

Yes, well When you've finished drinking
the blood of virgins,

you may like to know
that our number plates have gone

Number plates? How do you mean gone?

Gone, stolen

Probably by somebody around here
who was sick to death of the sight of them

(PHONE RINGING)

Don't answer that!

That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive

You pick that up
and we'll be stuck with them forever more

Sorry, I forgot Is that the second post?

-Yep
-No news, I suppose, about my test result

What test?

Well, I'm not talking about my eleven-plus, am I?

My test

Will you stop going on about that thing?
You're worse than a child

If you want to do something useful,
go and look up the number of that car place

and see about getting us some new plates

Right

That's me off to rehearsals, then

I may be a while

Oh, and I think we've missed
the electricity man again

I've left his card on the table
if you want to do a reading

Just take some deep breaths, Wilf You'll be fine

I suppose, on reflection, that Knickerbocker Glory
was a bit heavy

You know what you're like in cars these days

It's a godsend I've still got their spare key
from the other week

We'll just pop you inside
and you can have a little lie down

till your tummy's settled

As I say,

they were desperate
to come out with us themselves

But there we are

I don't suppose it's been much fun
for the two of them all day,

having to go to London for a funeral

(KEYS JINGLING)

JEAN: Just one more second, Wilf Try to hold out

I'll just pop upstairs and get you a wet flannel

(WILF RETCHING)

Okay, then, everyone Erm, we're just
gonna have a look at a few problem areas

in Act III this afternoon
I think we're all present and correct

Er, Mrs Impey will be with us shortly

She's just upstairs with Derek
having her costume tweaked

And, oh, yes
One bit of good news first of all, Mr Meldrew

Remember I said Lindsey had gone down
with a nasty tummy bug

and might not be well enough
for your big seduction scene together?

Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid

But, at the last minute, her auntie Maureen

has very generously agreed to step into her shoes

So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there

Now, why don't you come and park yourself here
next to Mr Snoxle and we'll begin

How are you feeling now?

I think I would like a glars of water.

Yes, of course You wait right there

I think I am going to be sick again.

So, that's been
a very productive session then, everyone

Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it

And an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it?

Oh, yes Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot

This came through my door for you
this morning, in error

-Chartres Hospital
-Mmm Yeah

Didn't you say you were expecting
some test results from there or something?

-WOMAN: Mr Swainey
-Yes, coming right up

So, what do you think?

You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now

Do you want to rest a bit longer or?

Oh

SYNTHESIZER: I think I would like a glars of water.

I think I am going to be sick again.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

MARGARET: Ow!

What the hell are you doing in there?

What am I doing?

I'll be

How long have you been back?

-Since about 5:00 Why?
-Five

(GRUNTING)

Jean was here

Cousin Wilf was being sick in the car again

and they came in here to
Oh! For the love of monk!

Four hours nearly,
I've been in there doubled up like a penknife

Didn't you even wonder where I was?

-I had other things on my mind
-Oh, what?

Prising your face out of Lindsey Gibbon's
neck all afternoon?

-My test result is positive
-What?

What?

You mean, they found there was blood in the

Said I have to make an appointment
with a specialist at my earliest convenience

for further investigations

Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea

(DOOR OPENING)

MARGARET: I despair I do, straight

Last week, two big black bags I gave you

One, full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners

The other, with the carpet cuttings
to go up the tip

I mean, no one would believe it, would they?

So, that's three of my best skirts, is it,

have now gone into the crusher

I wonder you've got the brains
you were born with sometimes

What time is your hospital appointment? 1 2:30?

You sure you don't want me to come with you?

I don't have to do
this wretched number plate thing today

No, you go and get that sorted out

Perhaps, I'll find you on the way back
It's only two bus stops

It's probably just a small ulcer or something
in there that's been bleeding

I'll see you later

And stop worrying

JEAN: Anyone in?

I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said

My car started making a noise like an elephant
whenever I go into third gear

-For some reason
-Right, I'll get that thing for you

Shame that I've got rather a lot to get today

Thanks

Of course, I still haven't been
in your new car yet, have I?

Didn't you say you had to go into town
at some point today?

Or did I imagine it?

So, Mr Meldrew

Haemocult tests were positive

But no clinical symptoms
other than a generally irritable bowel

And there's no reason you can think of

why blood should have
found its way into your digestive system?

Unless it's to do with being a vampire

I'm rehearsing for this play

I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out

what's lurking inside a person's large intestine,
Mr Meldrew

So, are you familiar
with a procedure called a colonoscopy?

Victor

What did he say? Was everything all right?

They gave me a sedative

Well, they put this thing like a long tube
with a sparkler on the end right up inside

Er

-What did they find?
-Mrs Warboys' black pudding

What?

Said he couldn't find
anything at all wrong there inside me

Then, as I was getting dressed

I suddenly remembered
I'd had that ruddy black pudding

Full of pig's blood and God-knows-what

I need to lie down before I fall down
Where's the car?

Oh, where is he? I thought you said
he'd come out to the car for a lie down

Well, he did I mean

He wouldn't have got into the wrong one
or anything, surely

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Go and sit down
You must be ready for a cup of tea

Sit down, that's a joke

Bad enough feeling like I've had
an anaconda up my anus,

thanks to Mrs Warboys

Then to waking up in the back of that bloody thing
halfway to Burton-on-Trent

Never thought I was going to get off alive

Well, it's lucky you had the money
for the train fare

Or you might still

(PHONE RINGING)

4291

Ronnie

I'm sorry we haven't been in touch,
but things have been a bit hectic here

Hectic?

I've had a right basin-full of it lately,
I have straight

Pipes up your front end, pipes up your back

Whoever tried to force a camel
through the eye of a needle

Yes, yes We'll be round, right away

Round where right away?
What the hell did you tell him that for?

-Mildred's dead
-What do you mean?

What do I mean?

Dead Stopped breathing A few minutes ago

They were playing cards She went upstairs

Poor man's in a terrible state
He didn't know who else to turn to

Oh, my God!

I'll get my coat

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Ronnie

I don't know what on earth to say
Have you rung for an ambulance?

I mean, what happened? You say there was
no sign, no warning of any kind

She only needed, Mrs Stitch,
the Tailor's wife, to win

Said she'd just got to pop upstairs
for a moment to

And then, of course,

when she didn't come down again

So, er

Where is she now?

She still up there?

I just can't get my head round it even now

I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul

Well, they both did

Now we find out she's been suffering
these terrible bouts of depression

Heaven knows how he's gonna cope from now on

It would be an upset for anyone, I should think,
to find your wife's hanged herself

during a game of Happy Families

So, that's another funeral we've got to go to

What do you mean another one?
The first one didn't exist

I don't know

How are you supposed to cope
with all the tragedy in life?

What was it that philosopher said?
''Just go out and cultivate your garden''

If you don't mind,
I'll just go and water the dahlias

Victor?

What?

I'll get the lunch on

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #