All language subtitles for Bucket - 01x01 - Episode 1

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:08,610 - I said it was that way. - THAT isn't a way, Mum! 2 00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:11,850 - What are you doing? - Mum, just stay on your side of the car! 3 00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:15,300 - You're lurching me over! - I can't see the road! 4 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:34,130 Stand clear! 5 00:00:35,380 --> 00:00:39,650 - For God's sake! - Don't snap at me! You missed the turning. 6 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:42,330 Why aren't you driving? It's your car! 7 00:00:42,380 --> 00:00:44,410 I prefer to yell at you. 8 00:00:44,460 --> 00:00:47,730 And we go to cousin Pat's every birthday. 9 00:00:47,780 --> 00:00:50,050 How can you not know the way? 10 00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,980 I try to block it out, like all of our time together. 11 00:00:54,780 --> 00:00:57,850 Now that I'm 70, which is the new 50, 12 00:00:57,900 --> 00:00:59,690 it suddenly hit me. 13 00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:01,730 Gefilte bhaji? 14 00:01:01,780 --> 00:01:04,010 I vomited before I came, thanks. 15 00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:06,650 Well, you've got to eat something. 16 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:07,770 Bombay finger? 17 00:01:07,820 --> 00:01:12,050 Did you bring any normal-sounding food at all? 18 00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:14,370 The big 7-0. 19 00:01:14,420 --> 00:01:16,530 And I finally see it! 20 00:01:16,580 --> 00:01:20,970 Life's not about the destination, it's about the journey. 21 00:01:21,020 --> 00:01:23,410 You learn, you share... 22 00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:26,250 You needed to take THAT exit. 23 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,010 Oh, fuck! 24 00:01:28,060 --> 00:01:32,170 Ha! Don't suppose you've had one of those in a while? 25 00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:34,060 What happened to Big Jim? 26 00:01:35,140 --> 00:01:37,010 Oh, well, he died. 27 00:01:37,060 --> 00:01:39,540 There was an accident with a winch. 28 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,970 Well, that's terrible. 29 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,050 Still, plenty more fish. 30 00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:47,330 What? Wait! He wasn't my boyfriend! 31 00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:49,530 He was my 40st neighbour 32 00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:52,770 who had to be lifted out of his flat by the fire brigade! 33 00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:54,490 God! 34 00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:57,410 So who's spelunking the bat cave these days? 35 00:01:57,460 --> 00:01:59,170 Stop it. Stop it. 36 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,570 Why won't you tell me? Unless... 37 00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:06,810 I did always wonder. 38 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:10,170 What type are you? Lipstick? Chopstick? 39 00:02:10,220 --> 00:02:12,290 We're not having this conversation, OK? 40 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:16,130 Why won't you tell me? I'm a woman of the world! 41 00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:18,810 I've had my brushes with the clitterati. 42 00:02:18,860 --> 00:02:21,290 Brushes... AND feathers. 43 00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:23,810 OK, no conversation AT ALL! 44 00:02:23,860 --> 00:02:27,490 Like riding along with a Carmelite nun! 45 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:29,090 ♪ I love you, I hate you 46 00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:32,050 ♪ I'm on the fence, it all depends whether I'm up, I'm down 47 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:34,650 ♪ I'm on the mend Transcending all reality... ♪ 48 00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:37,410 Carpe diem ... seize the day. 49 00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:39,850 I was inspired by... what's her name? 50 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,850 You know, that... that cook on television. Erm... 51 00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:43,970 Delia Smith? 52 00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:47,330 Bowl hair cut. Caused a run on omelette pans. 53 00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:49,330 Yeah, do you mean Delia Smith? 54 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:51,010 I think she owned a football team. 55 00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:55,690 Became a noun in the OED. Let's all do a... Delia! 56 00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:57,260 Delia Smith! 57 00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:00,330 And...? 58 00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:05,370 She said, "Don't count the days, make the days count." 59 00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,650 That was Muhammad Ali. 60 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,970 - What? - No! Obviously, no! 61 00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,890 Uh-oh! 62 00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,690 I need to go again. 63 00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:16,570 What, again? 64 00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:19,090 What do you want me to do, Franny, shit in a bag? 65 00:03:19,140 --> 00:03:22,260 OK! OK! Do not shit in any bag! 66 00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:27,850 One lump or two? 67 00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,970 Hands! Hands! 68 00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,780 - What...?! - Honestly! 69 00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:37,650 Ah! 70 00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:39,770 - Sorry, Pat. - No, no. 71 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,410 We enjoy your little visits 72 00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:45,690 and we've some lovely leftovers of Gemma's cake-tasting. 73 00:03:45,740 --> 00:03:49,330 Gem, darling. We're going to need a bigger plate. 74 00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:53,570 I like the chocolate, but my fiance Paul prefers the vanilla. 75 00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:56,010 I think we'll go traditional. 76 00:03:56,060 --> 00:04:00,970 Did I tell you that fiance Paul has bought them a duplex? 77 00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:02,530 He paid cash. 78 00:04:02,580 --> 00:04:04,890 What's a duplex? Is it a condom? 79 00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:06,530 Stop it! 80 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,410 Oh, did I tell you, Gemma's got a new job? 81 00:04:09,460 --> 00:04:10,970 Head of HR. 82 00:04:11,020 --> 00:04:13,050 Mm, Franny's had a promotion, too ... 83 00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,410 to be one of these super-duper teachers. 84 00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:17,570 - Aw. - I haven't got it yet, Mum. 85 00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:20,090 Well, as we say in HR, 86 00:04:20,140 --> 00:04:23,130 there's no failure, only feedback. 87 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,850 Ha! Tell that to the passengers on the Titanic! 88 00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:28,130 Oh, Fran, you're not the Titanic. 89 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:30,970 No. She's not going down on anyone! 90 00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:36,330 Hi, Mr Merdon. 91 00:04:36,380 --> 00:04:39,530 I just thought you might not call cos you knew I was driving. 92 00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:42,860 Anyway, do let me know... about the job. 93 00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:45,970 It's Fran, by the way. 94 00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:48,380 OK, bye! 95 00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:57,890 I was just telling them about my enormous bucket. 96 00:04:57,940 --> 00:04:59,690 Oh, God! 97 00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:01,730 Places to go, things to do. 98 00:05:01,780 --> 00:05:04,850 - Ah, you mean a list. - I'll show you. 99 00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:09,050 No, I can imagine. Some horrific odyssey of sordid antics. 100 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,330 Or, as I prefer to call it, fun. 101 00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:15,370 Oh, talking of which, darling, show them your engagement ring. 102 00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:19,570 I told fiance Paul he should spend one month's salary. 103 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:23,570 And how much should you spend on a cousin's 70th birthday, Pat? 104 00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:24,810 Oh! 105 00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:27,930 Yes, yes, yes. I got you a little something. 106 00:05:27,980 --> 00:05:29,980 But it's a big one, 70. 107 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,490 All right, then, come upstairs. 108 00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:37,250 Yes! 109 00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:39,050 Ow! 110 00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:42,210 Moment of peace. 111 00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:44,730 All this wed-min Mum's got me doing, Fran, 112 00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:46,370 it's actually like hard work. 113 00:05:46,420 --> 00:05:48,650 Right. Is it? 114 00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:54,530 Now that I'm 70, which is the new 30, I'm going for it, Pat! 115 00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:56,370 You should get a bucket. 116 00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:58,980 - Here you are, Mim. - Erm... 117 00:06:03,260 --> 00:06:04,770 Can I have this one? 118 00:06:04,820 --> 00:06:06,930 Oh, all right. 119 00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:08,020 Thank you. 120 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:12,610 That's the crap you gave me last Christmas. 121 00:06:12,660 --> 00:06:17,130 We're using old photos of everyone for place settings. 122 00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:18,570 Funny, isn't it? 123 00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:20,250 Oh, my God, look at your mum! 124 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,810 Oh, I remember that holiday. 125 00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:24,810 Oh, Fran, is that you? 126 00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:26,730 Erm, no, I don't think so. 127 00:06:26,780 --> 00:06:30,010 - With your dad maybe? - Then, no, definitely not. 128 00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:32,410 Oh, of course. 129 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,210 Did your mum even know who it was? 130 00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:39,690 Erm, yes, but he died before I was born. This is you. 131 00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:41,330 Yeah, must be. 132 00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:44,970 There are so many pictures of me, but I can't even find one of you. 133 00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:48,060 No, well, you won't. Mum says I crack the lens. 134 00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:52,540 - No, she just didn't take any. - Oh! 135 00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:56,380 A joke, yeah. My fiance Paul does those. 136 00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:00,860 Wait a sec. 137 00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:03,060 Oh. 138 00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:19,650 - Well... - Bon voyage! 139 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,290 Have a wonderful time. 140 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:22,730 We're only going home. 141 00:07:22,780 --> 00:07:24,770 But I told you about my bucket. 142 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:28,490 - Well, what's that got to do with me? - You're driving! - What?! 143 00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:31,250 "Ride bareback with the Navajo." Hm. 144 00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,450 "Kiss a frog on Lake Titicaca." 145 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,810 This is ridiculous! You can't do all of this. 146 00:07:36,860 --> 00:07:38,250 No, not all at once! 147 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,890 First up is a special night away for us. 148 00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:43,810 Well, I'm sure you'll have fun, but I have an Ocado coming. 149 00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,130 No, no, I'm not going on any trip with her! 150 00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:48,900 I can't. I've got... plans. 151 00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:56,450 Just think, this is the ultimate road trip. 152 00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:58,530 We'll be like Thelma and Louise. 153 00:07:58,580 --> 00:08:01,770 They killed themselves. Now let's go... home! 154 00:08:01,820 --> 00:08:04,500 Actually, I do feel like driving today. 155 00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:07,300 OK, Mum, Mum, Mum! 156 00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:09,270 What's the matter, Franny? 157 00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:13,250 Is it Gemma? Her wedding? Her duplex? Her job? 158 00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:18,090 - I don't even know what HR is. - Human Resources... Mum, please! 159 00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:20,410 Mum! Mum! 160 00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:22,900 Slow down! Pull over! 161 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,250 Just... No! No fucking way! 162 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:31,210 - Franny, please! - Mum, no! There is no way! 163 00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:35,530 Look, I might not always have been the best mother in the world... 164 00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,330 Ha! Or the best mother in our house! 165 00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:40,570 Look, Franny, I'm 70. 166 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:44,410 I've never seen the sun set on the Taj Mahal. 167 00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,900 I've never made love in an elevator. 168 00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:49,850 Or have I? 169 00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:52,610 But my biggest regret is you! 170 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:57,810 That's why I booked a special night away, somewhere YOU'LL like. 171 00:08:57,860 --> 00:09:00,220 Please, it's the minibreak we never had. 172 00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:05,660 One night, one trip, but I'm driving! 173 00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:10,210 ♪ I was born in the wagon of a travellin' show 174 00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:13,050 ♪ My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw 175 00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:17,930 ♪ Papa would do whatever he could 176 00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:21,010 ♪ Preach a little gospel 177 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:24,610 ♪ Sell a couple bottles of Dr Good... ♪ 178 00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:26,330 No, no more. 179 00:09:26,380 --> 00:09:28,290 But I love that song! 180 00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:31,490 "I was born in the wagon of a travelling show." 181 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,850 Did I ever tell you you were nearly born in a minicab? 182 00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:38,580 Was I? 183 00:09:40,220 --> 00:09:42,370 The driver's name was Tahibo. 184 00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:45,570 He said I had the most luxuriant bush... 185 00:09:45,620 --> 00:09:48,170 OK, stop now, thank you very much. 186 00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,220 Never even gave him a tip. 187 00:09:51,980 --> 00:09:57,980 Maybe I should have called you Tahibo. Still, what's done is done. 188 00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:08,250 OK. 189 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:14,650 Which would you rather ... dry-hump Ann Widdecombe or rim Donald Trump? 190 00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,530 No, Mum! A proper quiz, like, 191 00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:19,610 "Where was the Declaration of American Independence signed?" 192 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,810 - On the left! - If you're not going to do it properly... 193 00:10:21,860 --> 00:10:24,570 Listen! Here, on the left. 194 00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,620 We've finally arrived! 195 00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:35,090 MiniWorld! 196 00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:37,690 Norfolk's answer to Disneyland. 197 00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:40,170 What the hell was the question? 198 00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:43,690 You were desperate to come here. Went on and on about it one summer. 199 00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:46,770 - But we didn't. - Well, it was the '80s. 200 00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:49,890 There were risks ... Chernobyl, Aids 201 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,010 and that emu. 202 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:54,610 Or was it the summer you disappeared off 203 00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:57,370 to rescue Nelson Mandela in Alicante(?) 204 00:10:57,420 --> 00:10:58,970 Or was it the summer 205 00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,770 you were in hiding from the Baader-Meinhof Gang(?) 206 00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,530 I don't remember specifically. 207 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:07,490 Or was it the summer you just dumped me at Granny's house... 208 00:11:07,540 --> 00:11:10,970 who had died in April? 209 00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:13,330 - I came back. - And we're going. 210 00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:17,690 No, I don't want to go home! I want to do my bucket list! 211 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:20,250 Because 70 is the new foetus? 212 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:21,530 No, 213 00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:23,260 because I'm dying! 214 00:11:24,340 --> 00:11:25,660 What? 215 00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:31,210 But... no... 216 00:11:31,260 --> 00:11:33,250 You look OK. 217 00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,090 From a distance. 218 00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:37,530 I'm like a Seurat painting. 219 00:11:37,580 --> 00:11:41,170 Come closer, and there's a million tiny dots multiplying. 220 00:11:41,220 --> 00:11:43,690 Oh, shit! Cancer? 221 00:11:43,740 --> 00:11:47,090 Eating away at me, and not in a way I'd like! 222 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,810 What are we doing here? 223 00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:50,970 Why aren't we at a hospital? 224 00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:54,290 Because that's the END of my story. 225 00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:57,140 And there's so many pages left to fill! 226 00:11:58,140 --> 00:11:59,660 Oh, Mum! 227 00:12:01,860 --> 00:12:03,820 God, I wish you'd wear a bra! 228 00:12:08,980 --> 00:12:12,290 Pre-paid one night, double room on a Kids Go Free deal, yeah? 229 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,850 Er... double room? 230 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,010 And... I'm not a kid. 231 00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:18,370 You're my kid. 232 00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:20,090 I'm 35. 233 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,540 One upgrade to adjoining rooms... 234 00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,580 Mini rate is £179. 235 00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,610 We'll have a pyjama party. 236 00:12:29,660 --> 00:12:31,730 Oh, what's the minibar like? 237 00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:34,970 Tiny. Right, you're in the Mini Lodge. 238 00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,730 You can walk it or take the Mini Train. 239 00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:39,940 Welcome to MiniWorld. 240 00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,300 Last one to the hotel's a paedo! 241 00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:02,650 Running with the bulls in Pamplona. 242 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:04,740 Zorbing in Bedford. 243 00:13:06,180 --> 00:13:08,050 When are we going to talk about it? 244 00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:11,050 - What? - The elephant in the room. 245 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:14,050 Don't be so hard on yourself, Franny. 246 00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:16,490 I just want to get a handle on this. 247 00:13:16,540 --> 00:13:20,250 - It's coming! - Yeah, that's why we HAVE to talk about it. 248 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,660 - I told them, you see. - What? 249 00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:28,490 ♪ Happy birthday to you 250 00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:33,010 ♪ Happy birthday to you 251 00:13:33,060 --> 00:13:38,330 ♪ Happy birthday dear... Mim 252 00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:42,210 ♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪ 253 00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:46,970 - Whoo! - Birthday conga time? 254 00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:48,380 Yeah! 255 00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:51,170 Hey-hey-hey! 256 00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,810 Hey! 257 00:13:56,860 --> 00:13:58,810 Hey! 258 00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:01,100 Hey! Hey! 259 00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:04,660 Hey! Hey! 260 00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:10,130 - Wire hangers! - Agh! - I always need more of these! 261 00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:12,530 What is on your face? 262 00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:14,290 Beauty cream! 263 00:14:14,340 --> 00:14:16,370 I didn't just fellate a Smurf. 264 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,650 - Ugh. - But did I ever tell you about the time I did? 265 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,730 - It was in Brussels, I... - Please, don't give me nightmares. 266 00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:25,130 - Oh, you! - Too late! 267 00:14:25,180 --> 00:14:30,570 I want to experience everything before all I have are memories. 268 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,570 Who are these children? 269 00:14:32,620 --> 00:14:34,610 Well, I haven't actually met them, 270 00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:37,610 but they're very photogenic, don't you think? 271 00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:39,970 And you've got one of Gemma, I see. 272 00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:43,090 Oh, I don't want to argue. 273 00:14:43,140 --> 00:14:45,650 We should be bonding. 274 00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:48,290 Gossiping together, woman to woman. 275 00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:51,610 And, Fran, if that's what you're into, it's... 276 00:14:51,660 --> 00:14:54,810 Ugh, Mum! I don't want to talk about that. 277 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:58,010 - You're ill and... - Well, I don't want to talk about that! 278 00:14:58,060 --> 00:14:59,940 I want quality time. 279 00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:08,770 Stick the telly on? 280 00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,420 Yeah. Cosy. 281 00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:18,610 Ah! We never do this. Why is that? 282 00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:21,450 'Unfortunately for the singleton black bear cub, 283 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,930 'the mother will often abandon it, 284 00:15:23,980 --> 00:15:27,820 'deciding that raising only one baby just isn't worth her effort.' 285 00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:38,380 Maybe you were right, dear. Bedtime. 286 00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:52,250 Oi! Are you checking for squirrels over there? 287 00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,770 - Am I what? - Masturbating. 288 00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:58,250 When you were small, I had to nearly tape up your knickers. 289 00:15:58,300 --> 00:15:59,700 Ugh! 290 00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:02,940 Go to sleep! 291 00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:16,090 Apparently, the models are an exact 1-12 replica of the nearby village. 292 00:16:16,140 --> 00:16:22,100 Huh! Church, pub, pet shop and kebabery. Oh. 293 00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:27,290 "Et in Arcadia ego." Hm. 294 00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:30,940 - Ah. - No, not another word. No morbid talk. 295 00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:34,610 "Life" is a doing word. 296 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:39,650 Well, actually, it's a noun. OK, Mum, MiniWorld here we come! 297 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,300 Yes! 298 00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:46,860 ♪ Climbed a mountain and I turned around 299 00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:54,770 ♪ And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills 300 00:16:54,820 --> 00:16:58,620 ♪ Till the landslide brought it down 301 00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:03,250 ♪ Oh, mirror in the sky 302 00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:06,330 ♪ What is love? 303 00:17:06,380 --> 00:17:11,180 ♪ Can the child within my heart rise above? 304 00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:18,370 ♪ Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? 305 00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:25,020 ♪ Can I handle the seasons of my life? ♪ 306 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:28,060 Hey-hey! 307 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:31,090 Oh. 308 00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:36,610 Are you sexting? 309 00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,970 It's a missed call from work. 310 00:17:39,020 --> 00:17:41,130 Oh, God, the promotion! 311 00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:43,010 I'll call back later. 312 00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:46,210 Fine, let's get out of here. Go for a boozy lunch? 313 00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:48,020 But it's my putt! 314 00:17:53,380 --> 00:17:55,810 - How long have you had that humped back? - Oh... 315 00:17:57,740 --> 00:18:02,170 That's nice ... affirmation, encouragement. 316 00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:04,250 You're not a child, Franny. 317 00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,820 I'm your child. 318 00:18:07,180 --> 00:18:10,730 Yes, it's funny, really. It's like looking into a hall of mirrors. 319 00:18:10,780 --> 00:18:12,210 Agh! 320 00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:14,210 Always crap at sports. 321 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,450 Maybe that's because you don't like playing with balls. 322 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,530 Stop, OK? You've got it wrong. 323 00:18:19,580 --> 00:18:21,770 How's wanting to talk getting it wrong? 324 00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:23,410 I am not gay, Mum! 325 00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:26,290 I don't care whether you're LBO or QTI. 326 00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:30,490 Everyone's gender liquid these days. You can't hide from what's inside. 327 00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:32,650 Well, that's nothing. 328 00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:36,770 And there's never been anything, inside or nearby. 329 00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:38,410 Really? 330 00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:41,450 You... you mean you've not... 331 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,170 Not ever? 332 00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:45,610 Well, how can this be? 333 00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:49,450 Just... never happened for me, Mum. 334 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,740 Oh, Franny, that's... that's... 335 00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,330 .. ridiculous! 336 00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:58,610 You're a virgin, you're 35! 337 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:01,030 I mean, what...? 338 00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:03,370 Not now! 339 00:19:03,420 --> 00:19:05,770 Franny, I mean, seriously? 340 00:19:05,820 --> 00:19:11,810 Yes, I'm a virgin! A big, fat 35-year-old virgin, OK? 341 00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:13,770 'Fran? Hello? 342 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,770 - 'It's Nigel Merdon.' - Oh! - 'Hello?' 343 00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:20,010 - Oh, God! - 'Fran?' - Oh, shit! 344 00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:23,540 A virgin? I... I can't believe it! 345 00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:27,610 Well, of course YOU can't! 346 00:19:27,660 --> 00:19:30,530 You were the universal docking station! 347 00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:32,930 One size fits all! 348 00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:35,090 Are you saying this is my fault? 349 00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:36,530 If the Dutch cap fits! 350 00:19:36,580 --> 00:19:38,650 Well, it didn't, and that's why you're here. 351 00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:40,730 What? I didn't ask to be born! 352 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,490 Oh, that's right, blame the mother! 353 00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:45,090 Well, I can't do it, Mum! I can't! 354 00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,170 What are you saying? 355 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:51,730 I can't do a trip down traumatic memory lane. It's not fair! 356 00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:53,700 Life's not fair, Franny! 357 00:19:54,940 --> 00:19:58,570 It's so short, and there's so much I want to do. 358 00:19:58,620 --> 00:20:01,450 It's always what you want to do! 359 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:05,290 This is the first time you have ever thought of me, and why? 360 00:20:05,340 --> 00:20:09,810 You want a chauffeur. You're not even sorry, are you? 361 00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,650 You are never sorry! 362 00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:14,090 I'm sorry you've made a mess of things. 363 00:20:14,140 --> 00:20:16,090 You've ruined my career. 364 00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:17,570 You ruined my vagina! 365 00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:19,450 You ruined my life! 366 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,690 You did that all by yourself. 367 00:20:21,740 --> 00:20:23,610 You can't putt, 368 00:20:23,660 --> 00:20:26,170 you can't fuck! What CAN you do? 369 00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,730 I can drive you to Dignitas! 370 00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:30,980 I... I didn't mean that! I... 371 00:20:56,460 --> 00:21:01,610 Oh, hi, it's Fran. Erm, someone just briefly stole my phone. 372 00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:03,770 Don't know what you heard. 373 00:21:03,820 --> 00:21:08,140 Weird. Anyway, just wondering if you had any news about the job. 374 00:21:09,380 --> 00:21:11,580 I-It's Fran, by the way. OK, bye. 375 00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:14,930 Oh... 376 00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:17,130 Which king died on the toilet? 377 00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:18,820 George II. 378 00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:24,610 You just won me a tenner! 379 00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:26,450 I should buy you a drink. 380 00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:39,210 Oh, OK, sure. 381 00:21:39,260 --> 00:21:41,010 Oh, I'm Dom, by the way. 382 00:21:41,060 --> 00:21:42,810 Aneurism. 383 00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:45,290 That's how George II died. 384 00:21:45,340 --> 00:21:47,300 I am called Fran. 385 00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:52,050 It's nice to talk to a grown-up for a change. 386 00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:54,690 - Isn't it? - I'm on me own with them, you see. 387 00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:56,410 God, me too! 388 00:21:56,460 --> 00:21:59,570 Why is it so difficult just to communicate? 389 00:21:59,620 --> 00:22:01,810 Mm, they drive you mad sometimes. 390 00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:04,010 Why can't SHE be the adult for once? 391 00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:05,540 It gets easier. 392 00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:09,010 How old's yours, then? 393 00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:10,420 70. 394 00:22:13,180 --> 00:22:15,380 Mum, I shouldn't have s... 395 00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:30,050 Have you tried calling your mum? 396 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:31,690 Yes, obviously. 397 00:22:31,740 --> 00:22:37,450 Look, OK, so she's this tall and this wide. 398 00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:42,490 She's got curly hair, like mine but white. 399 00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:44,340 Erm, big eyes. 400 00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:48,930 Nose like this. Well, you couldn't miss her. 401 00:22:48,980 --> 00:22:50,620 She's unique. 402 00:22:52,060 --> 00:22:54,490 Oh, that is actually quite good. 403 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:57,260 Don't worry, we'll find her. 404 00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:10,410 'Fran Morganstein. 405 00:23:10,460 --> 00:23:13,300 'Fran Morganstein. 406 00:23:19,580 --> 00:23:22,330 Big enough gesture for you? 407 00:23:22,380 --> 00:23:24,170 Mum, where have you been? 408 00:23:24,220 --> 00:23:25,890 Village pub. 409 00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:31,050 I had a White Russian, a jumbo sausage, and then I had an epiphany. 410 00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:33,410 Franny, I realised something. 411 00:23:33,460 --> 00:23:37,250 It's not that I CAN'T do it without you, I don't WANT to. 412 00:23:37,300 --> 00:23:41,450 I know things haven't been great between us but I can't 413 00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:44,570 change the last three hours or the last 35 years. 414 00:23:44,620 --> 00:23:46,730 We can only go forward. 415 00:23:46,780 --> 00:23:49,770 Mum, I thought I'd lost you. 416 00:23:49,820 --> 00:23:52,170 I've got to make the days count. 417 00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:54,490 I want you to come with me, Franny. 418 00:23:54,540 --> 00:23:59,620 You're in a rut, dear, and I can't die knowing you haven't lived. 419 00:24:00,620 --> 00:24:02,140 How did you get this? 420 00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:05,940 Payment in kind. 421 00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:10,770 - And I was very kind! - Ugh! 422 00:24:12,300 --> 00:24:14,740 Oh. Oh, God! 423 00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:18,460 Hello? Yes. 424 00:24:20,940 --> 00:24:22,650 Oh, I see. 425 00:24:22,700 --> 00:24:24,890 External candidate. OK. 426 00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:26,860 Feedback? 427 00:24:29,340 --> 00:24:34,130 Actually, I can't. My mum's sick and I need some personal time. 428 00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:37,780 - So I'll see you next term. - And she won't be a virgin by then! 429 00:24:42,220 --> 00:24:45,130 We're intertwingled, you and I. 430 00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:48,420 After all, you came out of my fanny, Franny. 431 00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:01,860 OK? 432 00:25:05,780 --> 00:25:10,860 So, no drugs, no brushes with the law and no embarrassing me. 433 00:25:13,340 --> 00:25:15,930 Ha-ha! Woohoo! 434 00:25:15,980 --> 00:25:19,250 Carpe bloody diem! 435 00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:22,090 ♪ Break another little bit of my heart now, darling 436 00:25:22,140 --> 00:25:24,210 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 437 00:25:24,260 --> 00:25:29,890 ♪ Have another little piece of my heart now, baby 438 00:25:29,940 --> 00:25:35,300 ♪ You know you got it, child If it makes you feel good. ♪ 31460

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