All language subtitles for American.Housewife.S02E01.HDTV.x264-FLEET.HI

Katie: You did it, Katie.

You made it through the summer.

- Taylor: Mom!
- Oliver: Mom?

These kids have been up in your face

for 68 days in a row.

And now you get to place them
in the custody

of the Westport public school system.

- Anna-Kat: Mom!
- Mom! Where are you?

It's like you're a warden,

and you're transferring these
delinquents to another prison.

All you have to do is get them there.

Let's do this.

[Footsteps approaching]

- Mom, a word.
- No words. We've gotta get to school.

- Mom...
- No.

But I didn't even ask anything yet.

It's either too expensive
or I don't have time.

- Mom?
- You cannot have a dog.

You didn't swear this time!
You're softening.

Greg!

Can you help me find my car keys?

How do you manage
to constantly misplace...

There's probably a better time
for that talk.

I'll help you look.

Mom, I got another run in my tights.

I'm in a real ballet academy now.

For God's sake, buy a boy
a decent pair of Danskins!

- Mom...
- Mom, my driver's license test

is in two weeks, and I need someone
to take me out to practice.

Can't drive without car keys.

Everyone fan out.

Mom, I need to look professional.

My plan of getting into Harvard
through ballet could be lost,

all for the want of a proper leotard.

Well, my plan for smoking cigarettes

and eating takeout every night
was ruined by you,

so we're even.

I need you to take this seriously.

My teacher has already taken an instant

and strong dislike to me.

What happened to my little boy

with the beautiful little girl's voice?

Eh.

- Both: Mom.
- What?!

Look at this picture
of a corgi dressed as a banana!

Eh.

Don't play me. You know it's cute.

Have you picked
your after-school activity yet?

I told you, I'm not doing one.

Greg!

Greg: Anna-Kat, it's fun to be involved.

Now that school's started,
I can't wait to be part

of the recycling committee again
and hang with my crew.

You mean the janitors?

And Bill Doty.

You guys, worst fan-out of all time.

Look for my keys in a place
that I'm not already looking.

Taylor, do you got your summer packet?

Yeah, I have it. I just didn't do it.

You realize you're talking
to the mean parent, right?

Just hear me out.

I've decided...
I'm not going to college.

Greg!

Taylor, you are going to college...

probably not a good college,
but college.

I just don't think it's right for me.

I mean, it's a waste
of my time and your money.

Well, that's not your call to make.

So, until you finish your summer packet,

you're not gonna start driving.

Katie: Hold up!

[Laughing] Greg.

Stop fooling around.

Of course you're gonna start driving.

And your father's going to teach you.

Can you go put on a shirt

that doesn't look like
it's Hooter-issued?

And look for my keys.

Whatever happened to "never overruling

one another in front of the kids"?

You are ruining my master plan.

Master plans are for villains

in the superhero movies you drag me to,

claiming the art-house films
I want to see

are somehow always playing
at "bad times."

You do not understand
my carpool schedule this year.

At 2:45, I pick up
Oliver and Anna-Kat from school.

Then I drive Oliver all the way
to Norwalk for ballet lessons

and wait in the car with Anna-Kat

for 40 minutes, playing "I Spy."

Then I pick up Oliver again
and go all the way back

to pick Taylor up from volleyball

and then drive everyone home.

So, I have a three-pronged plan.

Prong one... Get Anna-Kat into a club

so Taylor and her can be
on the same schedule.

Prong two... Oliver's ballet teacher

breaks his spirits... fingers crossed...

he quits, joins baseball,
and the three of them

are on the same schedule
at the same time.

- And prong three?
- Here's prong three.

- Ready for prong three?
- You know it.

When Taylor gets her license,

she can drive them to school and back.

And then I'm free!

Do you hear me, Greg?

- Free!
- Chest hairs, Katie.

And then I can take a step back
from mothering,

finally enjoy my life
and pursue some hobbies,

like sitting in the bathtub
with a glass of wine.

- Is that...
- It's a hobby!

Look it up.

Anna-Kat: I found your keys!

Where were they?

Right there.

Who hung my keys on the hook?

How am I supposed to find
anything around this house

if people put things
back where they belong?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪

Anna-Kat, I need you to pick
a club from this list.

It's important to be involved in school.

If it's so important,
how come you're not involved?

She makes an interesting point.

Is this payback for overruling you?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Tell you what,
I'll get involved if you do.

Really?

You're going to volunteer at school like

"all those no-life,
busy-body, idiot moms"?

Yep.

Right after I start watching
how I speak in front of you.

♪

I am here to volunteer.

Maybe it's best I start small.

Ziploc Committee?

Bring Ziplocs...

Maybe the cute little snack-sized ones.

To hold snacks.

What are you doing here?

Last year, you pretended to be pregnant

to get out of volunteering.

You are still hung up
on my fake pregnancy?

You let me throw you a baby shower.

- And took the gifts.
- That's a lie. Sage, you're a liar.

You're using the diaper bag
I gave you as a purse.

Katie, just go away.

Your volunteer hours are no good here.

I don't get it.

You guys forgave Stacy Clouser,

and I heard at the Spring Gala

that she attacked you all
with a crab claw

and said she hoped all
your real noses grow back.

Well, that was different.

She was having a nervous breakdown

from being the Gala Chairperson.

She had to move back in
with her parents.

She has to wear tube socks
taped to her hands.

Oh, and you can tell Greg

he's no longer
on the recycling committee.

Why?

What did he do wrong?

Married you.

[All giggle]

Sage, I have seen how hot
your babysitter is.

It's only a matter of time.

♪

You got me kicked off
the recycling committee?!

Recycling isn't even real, Greg!

They make you separate all your stuff

and then dump it all together
in the same landfill.

Don't say that!

You promised you'd never say that again!

I just got an e-mail with the roster

for the next recital.

My teacher's not dancing me.

I'm not getting danced!

How am I supposed to get into Harvard

if I'm riding the pine?

Maybe she knows that
you don't love ballet

and you're there for the wrong reasons.

You know what I love? Recycling!

How'd you miss that?

How many times do I have
to tell everyone in this house?

I have an overly-round eye.

Hey, you're not the only one
going through something.

They banned me
from volunteering at school.

They did? Great.

That means I don't have to join a club!

My master plan just went to hell.

I'm gonna be spending
most of my life in my car.

"Katie, let's get married
and start a family."

"You know what, Greg,
I'm flattered, but no."

Coulda said that.

I was sure Stacy Clouser
going bonkers would've

knocked my fake pregnancy
off the front page.

I was at the Gala, saw the whole thing.

It was awesome.

She was yelling at the seafood tower,

then pausing, like it was yelling back.

- [Laughs]
- [Sighs]

Prong one of my plan is falling apart.

I got to get Anna-Kat into a club,

and to do that,

those moms need to let me volunteer.

Doris, you used to work
in crisis management, right?

I did. I called myself "The Fixer."

Couldn't get anyone else to do it.

It was the one thing
The Fixer couldn't fix.

So fix me. What can I do?

Okay, uh... first step...

gain sympathy.

You check into rehab.

- Mm.
- Uh, no.

- Okay... Say your stepfather hit you.
- Or stepmother.

A woman can be just as abusive as a man.

Weird moment for feminism, Angela.

Okay. Well, then,
all that's left is the Internet.

Make a public apology video
like the celebrities do.

- Yeah.
- Be all sad and remorseful.

Well, it's either humiliating myself

or driving around with Anna-Kat
all afternoon.

I spy with my little eye...

The stain on the back of the seat.

How did you know?

It's always the stain
on the back of the seat.

Let's make that video.

- Hi, guys...
- Doris: Too peppy.

You're gonna have to look
more remorseful.

Can you cry?

No.

Angela, make some tears.

- Oka... All right.
- Okay.

Okay. Let's just...

Okay. And... action.

Ladies of the volunteer committee.

I am taking this opportunity to say...

Cut!

Doris: What's the problem?

I am not comparing myself to Hitler.

I wrote "Hitler of Westport."

That's different from Hitler Hitler.

- Recreational paint huffer?
- Yes.

You know what? I'm not
saying any of this stuff.

I'm just going to be straightforward.

Press the button.

[Camera beeps]

[Sighs]

Hey, guys.

I messed up.

I hope that you can forgive me.

Especially you, Suzanne.

Not so much you, Tara.

Anyway, I'm super-sorry
that I faked being pregnant

and I exchanged the bassinet you gave me

for a margarita machine.

Now say you have Lyme Disease.

I'm not saying I have Lyme Disease.

No Lyme Disease, no Hitler...
Do you hear yourself?!

Greg: We'll go the abandoned
Circuit City in Norwalk

so you can practice driving
in the parking lot.

To avoid danger,
you always have to be aware

of what's ahead of you,
both on the road and in life...

like a college education, for instance.

Dad, it just doesn't make sense for me.

- Or for you.
- How so?

You really want to have to pay
three college tuitions?

Oliver's getting a dance scholarship.

No. He's using ballet
to get into Harvard.

No one said anything
about a scholarship.

You're going to be on the hook
for like $500,000.

You're not looking at what's ahead.

I guess I wasn't.

No. Dad!

Oh, God!

[Tires screech]

[Car door opens]

Aww, he held on to
his little flag. [Chuckles]

- [Somber music playing]
- Anyhow, I'm super-sorry

that I faked being pregnant

and that I exchanged
that bassinet you gave me

for a margarita machine.

I have Lyme Disease.

[Tear drop splashes]

This is terrible.

You left me no choice!
Look at your face.

It didn't look apologetic at all.

Why didn't you show it to me
before you posted it?

I thought you're supposed to be
good at what you did!

Uh, thinking about it now,

I'm not sure if I quit my job
to have kids

or if I got fired
then decided to have kids.

- [Doorbell rings]
- [Sighs]

Just great.

You don't get back in with the moms,

and I don't get back
on the recycling committee.

Who's going to make sure all the
cans and jars are rinsed out?

Nobody, because it's nonsense, Greg.

It's right up there with
washing fruit before you eat it.

Suzanne.

I saw your video on Facebook.

Can we talk?

This is hard for me,
because I'm a nice person.

Yeah, and I, too, am a Lyme's survivor.

Hmm.

[Sighs]

The reason you feel
like you don't fit in

with me and the other moms

has nothing to do with us
and everything to do with you.

You don't want to fit in.

I don't think that's true.

You're constantly mocking us

for being healthy and active
and involved at school

when, Katie, those are
all very normal things.

- Suzanne...
- No, let me finish.

You think that you're the one
who's being judged,

but you're the one, Katie,
who's doing all the judging...

You.

You're the one who looks down on us.

♪

You don't wash our fruit?!

Suzanne says that I look down on them.

I'm the snob?

The nicest thing that I own is a purse

that's actually a diaper bag
that I had to steal.

How dare she!
Can you believe she said that?

Sex on the table tonight?

No.

Well, you do kind of judge people

for what some might consider
admirable behavior,

like eating healthy,
exercising, recycling.

We should go to a recycling plant.

I hear that they let unicorns
lead the tours.

You know what?

We're not gonna talk about recycling.
It's too hot a topic.

How are you doing with Taylor's driving?

Um...

Shouldn't you be more concerned

about Taylor not wanting
to go to college

than learning how to drive?

If Taylor doesn't learn how to drive,

then my master plan
is going out the window.

Greg, if I have to keep driving
as much as I do, I swear...

[Tires screeching, heroic music playing]

[Music trails off, splash]

Well, at least your car will be clean.

Hmm.

♪

You know, if you ever want
a car of your own,

you're going to have to find a good job.

And the only way to do that is college.

[Sighs]

I saw on YouTube that in the future,

all jobs are going to be done by robots.

So why bother going into debt
for a worthless degree?

Maybe a robot can do some jobs,
but not all jobs.

- Not my job.
- Yes, your job.

- [Scoffs]
- Your job already.

A robot cannot be a professor.

Remember you were so proud
that the university

recorded your lectures to show online?

- Mm.
- Think about it.

Now they can stream them forever.

[Chuckles] Face it.

Robot you is putting real you
out of a job.

- [Tires pop]
- Oh!

Fudge it!

♪

A robot wouldn't have done that.

[Classical music playing]

Beautiful work, everyone.

Nice form.

Oliver, round out your arms.

Lift your chest.

Oh, forget it.

You look like a lollipop
having a seizure.

Okay, class. [Claps]

Pliés.

Nicely done, everyone, except Oliver.

Okay, that's it for today.

[Music stops]

Oliver, honey, you really have been

working your butt off.

I told you.

What do you think I'm doing
in my room every night

with the door closed?

Mom!

You're 13. I don't know.

I'm practicing.

First, I was just doing it
to get into Harvard,

but now...

I kinda love it.

You're like a "Bachelor" contestant

who goes on the show for fame,
but by the end...

is in it for the right reasons.

She's really hard on you, huh?

I've been telling you.

- She has it in for me.
- I'm sorry.

I feel so bad for not believing you.

It's okay, Mom.

No, it's not.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Even though keeping him
in ballet will officially be

the end of my master plan.

Watch out. She's horrible.

No one's more horrible than your mother!

Hi.

I'm Katie Otto, Oliver's mom.

Okay.

I was watching, and it looks like

you're being harder on him
than anyone else.

Are you doing that thing
where you challenge him

so he rises to his potential?

No, that's not what I'm doing.

He doesn't have what it takes.

I saw him, and he does have it.

I'm not wasting my time
on some spoiled kid.

If you would have said
"arrogant" and "obnoxious,"

you would have been right,
but he's not spoiled.

Maybe he is just too good
for you and your stupid class.

[Exhales]

Did you just bump me?

[Chuckles]

Don't make me go "Black Swan" on you.

What, you're gonna go crazy

and stab yourself with a piece of glass?

Is that what happens?
I didn't see the movie.

It's always showing at a bad time.

Class is over.

You need to go.

[Laughs]

You clearly do not have a sense
of size and proportion.

[Laughs]

Don't let the leotard fool you, honey.

♪

[Sighs] I really thought I had you

until you got me in that leg-lock.

You have some powerful thighs.

I like the way you used your breasts

as a weapon.

Thank you.

I just assumed Oliver was
one stuck-up kid

doing ballet as a dare or something.

But... now that I've met you,
I know I had him all wrong.

He's not from one
of those good families.

- No. He is not.
- [Sighs]

You know, he does have
some real potential.

I watched "Flashdance"
when he was in my womb,

so I take some credit for it.

Just because Oliver is from Westport,

I had all these
preconceived notions about him.

You know... I've also been told

that I judge people from Westport.

I suppose I owe him an apology.

Yeah.

I owe some people an apology, too.

Sage: Before we finish up,

I just want to congratulate
this year's volunteers.

- Give yourselves a hand!
- [Applause]

But there's still one more
chairperson position to fill.

Takes place in the spring...

Oh, come on, now. The Spring Gala's fun!

[Chuckles]

The doctors couldn't definitively link

- Stacy Clouser's breakdown to the...
- [Door opens]

Oh.

Hi, everyone.

It has been brought to my attention

that the problem I have
with so many of you...

so many...

is not actually with you.

The problem is with me.

[Inspirational music plays]

I mean, I should not judge you.

Who cares if you only volunteer

to justify not having jobs
to your rich husbands?

[Music distorts, stops]

That came out wrong.

- [Music resumes]
- I'm not saying what you do at the school

isn't important, because it is.

Like when you all painted
that mural celebrating

Diversity Day with
all the different ethnicities

that this town doesn't have.

[Music distorts, stops]

That sounded judgy. I heard it.

[Music resumes]

This is not going well.

I guess there's only one way
back into their good graces.

I will give back

the diaper purse.

[Music stops]

No?

Fine.

I'll chair the Spring Gala.

- [Screams]
- [Applause]

This is a good start.
I'm so proud of you, Katie.

[Laughs]

This job is going to consume
all your time and energy.

It will hang over your head
the entire year,

keep you up at night,
and, ultimately, destroy you.

I'm so happy. [Laughs]

Stupid says what?

- What?
- Ha!

It wasn't my best comeback,

but I got to get home to make dinner.

♪

Katie: How was the driving lesson today?

Apparently, I'm going to be
replaced by a robot

- and we need four new tires.
- [Sighs]

It doesn't matter
if Taylor drives anyway.

Not only do I have the worst
volunteer job there is

with the promise
of a public nervous breakdown,

but the Spring Gala will take up

any free time that I already had.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm gonna have to become
what I hate the most...

an over-involved, no-life,

busy-body, idiot Westport housewife.

Bright side, I'm back on
the recycling committee again.

Congratulations...

bi-weekly meetings in a school basement

with three janitors.

And Bill Doty.

Let's do this.

Hey, you guys can't come in here
without knocking!

[Laughs] You're adorable. Go!

Until you come up with a plan

on what you want to do
after high school,

college is still the current plan.

And I talked to your teachers,
and you need to be done

with your summer packet
by the week's end.

And if you don't do it,
there's always boarding school.

We all know we can't afford
boarding school...

empty threat!

You guys are being so unfair!

Ooh.

We're "unfair."

- Nice job.
- Thank you.

I just have to face it...

I can't take a step back from mothering.

I'll just phone in being a wife.

- Understood.
- Mm-hmm.

I'll take this one.

Anna-Kat, ponies down. We need to talk.

I signed up for volunteering.

You are going to sign up
for an after-school club.

And, FYI, this is the last time

I negotiate with an eight-year-old.

Anna-Kat: That's so unfair!

- Ooh, we're two for two.
- Mm-hmm.

Let's go into Oliver's room.

We should probably give him some warning

before we go in.

[Both coughing]

Well, here we are, at Oliver's room.

- Let's go in. Yeah.
- Let's talk to him.

[Classical music playing]

[Music stops]

Looking good.

Just practicing for the recital
next week.

I've been moved up to premiere danseur.

- Well, that's great.
- You know what?

You deserve it.

Thanks for sticking up for me.

Oh, honey.

[Chuckles]

That... is what I'm here for.

♪

Huh.

Who'd have thought today that
our pain-in-the-ass kid

would be our best kid?

What I like most about being a parent

- is that things change all the time.
- Mm.

That's not true.
I just want all this to be over.

♪

I know the Spring Gala has
this reputation for being awful,

but come on, how bad can it really be?

I'm sure they're exaggerating

this whole Stacy Clouser thing.

Shrimp! Shrimp!

There's not enough shrimp!

- Oh!
- It's okay.

- You call yourself...
- Honey, I know.

...a Better-Business-accredited vendor?

You're garbage!!

I'll be fine.

Right?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com