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1
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,374
This magazine rules!
2
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,543
The whole issue is about
old steam locomotives.
3
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,212
There's even an article
on the physics
4
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,211
of opening a hose
called the monkey tail
5
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,553
so the steam doesn't --
6
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:15,377
Wait, why am I reading
about trains?
7
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:16,583
Do I like trains?
8
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:17,934
- STAN: I got it for you!
- (gasps)
9
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,451
I heard kids on the spectrum
10
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,293
love to learn about
that sort of stuff.
11
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,859
I'm not on the spectrum!
12
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,856
Wait, could I be?
Should we test me for that?
13
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,058
Steve, testing kids
is very expensive,
14
00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,031
whereas that magazine
was $2.50.
15
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,430
250th day of the year,
September 7th.
16
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,902
In 1991, actor Harry Hamlin
17
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,280
marries actress
Nicollette Sheridan.
18
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:35,472
- KLAUS: Ooh!
- (both gasp)
19
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,409
My second favorite
Desperate Housewife!
20
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,105
She is a gem!
21
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:42,377
Speaking of gems,
the Bradford Railway Company
22
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:46,246
is retiring their most famous
train, the Dodge City Rambler.
23
00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:49,817
It's making one last trip
from D.C. to Dodge City, Kansas.
24
00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,557
- FRANCINE:
Did you say Dodge City? - (all gasp)
25
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,085
My Aunt Karen lives
in Dodge City!
26
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,958
It's been ages, but you remember
Aunt Karen, right?
27
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,387
Karen.
28
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,803
Ooh, you are so greedy, Orvis.
29
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,295
(slurping)
30
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,138
Some people think it's gross
to share food with a dog,
31
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:10,095
but the way I figure,
we both already have heartworm,
32
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,674
so why the heck not?
33
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:16,341
Karen.
34
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,982
FRANCINE:
Oh, Stan remembers!
35
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,251
And since the train's
going to Dodge City,
36
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,452
we can take the train
and visit her.
37
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:27,624
N-No, no!
No Karen!
38
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,091
- I-I hate it there!
- What?
39
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,020
Honey, Karen and I don't gel.
40
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,755
She thinks I'm just wonderful,
41
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,500
and I think she's a slob who
should be thrown off a cliff.
42
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:39,426
I don't always gel with your
family, but I'm there for you.
43
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:40,773
Of course.
44
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,178
It's much easier for you because
my family's better.
45
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,943
We're taking the train
to visit Aunt Karen.
46
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:46,608
End of discussion.
47
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,437
Wait.
What just happened?
48
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,142
- You blew it, homeboy.
- (both gasp)
49
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:51,364
What are you doing down there?
50
00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:52,679
Not having sex with Jeff!
51
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:55,320
We know the living room's
off limits, Mr. S!
52
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,486
And we would never
use the feeling of danger
53
00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:58,785
to juice the lovemaking.
54
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:01,156
Ooh, that's a big train!
55
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:04,185
If anyone else is in this room,
come out now!
56
00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:05,562
Roger?
57
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,028
Okay, now, as I was say--
58
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,199
Roger!
59
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,729
It's okay.
It's okay, everyone.
60
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,703
It was just Roger hiding
in the drapes like yesterday.
61
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,869
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
62
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:25,014
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
63
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,922
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
64
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:32,245
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
65
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:37,558
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
66
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,988
- ♪ Good -- ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
67
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,093
Aah!
68
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,726
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
69
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,566
HAYLEY: Oh, good. Other people
wore the clothes, too.
70
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,412
Stan, I'm glad you came around.
71
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,378
And even though
you didn't use your words,
72
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:59,377
your being here
is all the apology I need.
73
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,550
I'm only here because you hid
all my regular clothes.
74
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,120
Memphis Stormfront here.
75
00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:05,588
Even though I'm a weatherman
76
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,416
and a hurricane is raging
just 10 miles away,
77
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:11,462
I'm happy to be reporting
on this train thing!
78
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:14,029
Dodge City Rambler!
Oh, yeah!
79
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,397
People are excited!
80
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,626
For some reason!
81
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,630
The Rambler is not just a train.
82
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:21,702
It's also a time machine
to the 1800s.
83
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:24,072
1800?!
That's a perfect SAT score!
84
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,411
That's totally wrong.
85
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:28,936
And watch out
for the Magilicutty Gang!
86
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,952
The sworn enemy of
the Bradford Railway Company!
87
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,105
Oh, screw this.
88
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,453
The train's going to Dodge City
89
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,115
to become part
of some stupid museum.
90
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,786
The Boot Hill Museum, y'all!
91
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,946
Get outta my shot!
92
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,464
What's taking so long?!
93
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,526
I don't want to spend
one minute more than I have to
94
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,058
in these stupid clothes
on this stupid train
95
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,260
on the way to visit your stupid,
frizzy-haired --
96
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:51,503
- Slob!
- Hello, everyone!
97
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,729
Oh, my God!
Aunt Karen!
98
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,404
-Stan, it's --
-Slob!
99
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,573
Why is slob here?!
100
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:57,910
When I heard you were visiting,
101
00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:59,938
I thought, "Oh, great!
102
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,780
I'll come
and ride with you!"
103
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,275
Fantastic!
104
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,577
It'll give us
even more time together!
105
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,019
Great!
Now, who wants to help me
106
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,775
comb the two insanely long hairs
107
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,423
I have growing
out of my shoulder?
108
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,519
Stan?
109
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:19,491
This is a stickup!
110
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,033
Phones in the bag!
(laughs)
111
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:25,869
Let's turn back the clock
to a time before phones.
112
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,536
But after guns and bags.
113
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,265
Hey, Roger.
114
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,784
That guy.
Does he look familiar to you?
115
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,646
ROGER:
Hayley, that's James Corden.
116
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,706
What?
James Corden is white.
117
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,524
I think that turned out
to be a cruel rumor.
118
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,687
Look!
He avoided eye contact!
119
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,656
He's definitely someone.
120
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,315
-We should --
-Blow him. Totally agree.
121
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,623
Let's move.
122
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,634
(train whistle blows)
123
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:58,125
ANNOUNCER: The Bradford Railway
Company welcomes you aboard!
124
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:03,241
So relax and enjoy a taste
of how America used to travel.
125
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,337
- (snoring)
- (coughing)
126
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,579
Isn't this charming?!
127
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:10,175
Ugh! Maybe ol' sleepin'
tube-nose here
128
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:12,047
will enjoy a view of the smoke.
129
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,151
(train whistle blowing)
130
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,989
Ow!
Motherf--
131
00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:20,215
ACTOR #1: By golly, they said
it couldn't be done,
132
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,360
but you, Joseph Bradford,
133
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,986
have built the greatest train
on Earth!
134
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,172
What is this?
Why is this happening?
135
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:27,863
It's wonderful actors, Dad!
136
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:29,731
You can tell by how loud
they're talking
137
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,370
that this is
a huge break for them.
138
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:34,695
I did it for all Americans!
139
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:38,442
I just wish that poor
and dirty Magilicutty Family
140
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:39,869
saw it that way.
141
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,083
Oh, the Magilicutty Gang!
142
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,705
They're lost souls, each one.
143
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,952
What should we do
about them, sir?
144
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,747
I don't do
audience participation.
145
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,350
(Karen snoring)
146
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:52,892
Hey.
147
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,186
- (sighs)
- (door opens, muffled shouting)
148
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:59,130
Ooh, the Magilicutty Gang!
149
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,026
Christ, more hacky actors?!
150
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,458
Hey, I was one of the bankers
151
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,963
in the movie Requiem for a Dream
152
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,234
that yells, "Ass to ass,"
in that one scene.
153
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,543
A little respect.
154
00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:12,236
These private lounge cars
cost $20,000 to make
155
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,769
in the 19th century.
156
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,444
Nearly $1 million
in today's currency.
157
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:17,884
Are there any questions?
158
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:21,778
Is money always worthing more
in the future?
159
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,952
Hi.
Sorry to bother you,
160
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,821
but do I know you
from somewhere?
161
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,249
I don't think so.
162
00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,674
'Scuse me,
I dropped my lawnmower.
163
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,072
I don't even know
why I brought it.
164
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,770
This is a train.
Anyway, you look familiar.
165
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:32,885
May I...
166
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,463
Please.
I'm trying to learn.
167
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,732
- You James Corden?
- No!
168
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,630
Now, leave me alone!
169
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:44,172
♪♪
170
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:47,341
ANNOUNCER: Now approaching
Roanoke Station.
171
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:50,611
Dad, this train has
a Mallet front cab boiler.
172
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,951
That was a big leap forward
in train technology.
173
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,446
But was it as big a leap
as this?
174
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,750
General store, getting snacks!
175
00:06:58,852 --> 00:06:59,952
(bell jingles)
176
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,423
You have anything for the man
177
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:02,862
who was tricked
into a train trip?
178
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,656
I have Popsicles.
179
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,828
Okay, two of those.
180
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,496
Whoa, you sell marbles!
181
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,325
I haven't played those
since I was a kid!
182
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,969
Ooh, good ones!
Good feel on these.
183
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,775
- These other ones look
like good ones, too! - (train whistle blows)
184
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,341
Sir, I think you're gonna
miss your train.
185
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,668
Oh, dang!
A Tiger Eye Shooter!
186
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:18,841
I always wanted one!
187
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,939
(train whistle blowing)
188
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,641
That's your train, sir.
189
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:26,883
Sometimes you have to pass up
one opportunity for another.
190
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,480
Sir!
191
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,122
I always thought if I ran
this store for long enough,
192
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,218
a nice lady would come in.
193
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,860
But it's just men
stealing marbles, day after day.
194
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,627
(bell jingles)
195
00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,536
Uh, you don't have to worry
about me missing the train.
196
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:43,331
I came on foot.
With plenty of money.
197
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:45,800
(clears throat)
Where are your marbles?
198
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,379
Uh, I'll of course
need to handle them.
199
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,970
Uh, you know, the marbles.
200
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,470
- (bell jingles)
- (whistling)
201
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:55,143
Stan!
Move it!
202
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,242
(slowly) Oh, no!
203
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,884
I'm missing the train!
204
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,520
Hurry, Billy!
205
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:05,085
I'm coming, Daddyyyy!
206
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,985
Billy, you monstrous kiss-ass.
207
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,187
Eat my dust.
208
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,660
I gave it my all, Francine.
I'll just meet you there.
209
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,190
Damn you, Stan!
210
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,264
You're nothing but a crumb-bum!
211
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:20,203
(gasps)
She uttered the C-word!
212
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,740
Help! No!
He's got a gun! Help!
213
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,766
(gunshots)
214
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:28,242
Ooh, the play's finally getting
good, and I'm missing it.
215
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,037
I've been shot.
216
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,354
Ah, well, now you ruined it.
217
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,445
I mean, your acting is blah!
218
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,548
The other guy, the gun guy,
he brought it.
219
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:40,720
No! The Magilicuttys
are hijacking the train!
220
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,891
The real Magilicuttys!
221
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,420
(coughs)
222
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,634
Listen closely.
223
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,456
You need to quit acting.
224
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:48,861
All of this sucks.
225
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,312
Sure, the special effects
are decent.
226
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,730
Aah!
227
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,432
You're not any good!
228
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,374
All right, now, this --
this here isn't bad.
229
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,109
And that pebble
in your open eye --
230
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,805
I mean, I'd be blinking.
231
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,307
Well, after five minutes
of trying to remember
232
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,553
how to do CPR,
I'm officially calling it.
233
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,219
You're dead.
(sighs)
234
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,547
Okay, what do I know?
235
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,222
One, I have marbles.
236
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,220
Two, I don't know CPR.
237
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:17,492
Three, there are actual
murderous outlaws
238
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:18,891
on the train with my family.
239
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,792
(gasps)
I have to get on that train!
240
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,070
Let's turn it around.
241
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,595
I'm commandeering this handcar.
242
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:27,940
What?! No!
243
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:30,165
I'm out looking
for purdy ladies!
244
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,770
Let me just say the ladies
in that direction
245
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:35,313
are wowza, wowza, wowza!
246
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,138
(panting)
247
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,123
Okay, now,
this is interesting, Mom.
248
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:45,145
They used Harding bearings
along the pistons.
249
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,492
Your dad abandoned us!
250
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:51,487
Um, actually, the train's
lighter now, yeah, yeah.
251
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:54,091
Sh-Should improve our
power-to-weight ratio.
252
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:57,164
Dear old Dad,
always thinking of his family.
253
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,974
That's not what's happening!
254
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,097
Hey, the engineer
wouldn't cooperate.
255
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,872
I had to kill him.
256
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,441
But he's the only one who knows
how to operate this thing!
257
00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:09,679
If the train slows down,
our plan will never work!
258
00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,007
Let me think.
259
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,981
Somebody here
has to know something.
260
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,480
STEVE: A Tennison
crankshaft rod!
261
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:17,652
Well, that makes two hard rods.
262
00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:18,991
Shut that kid up!
263
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,793
You idiot!
264
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,559
That's our guy.
265
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,387
Howdy, folks!
266
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:28,662
I understand we have a little
boy with trains on the brain.
267
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,402
Well, I don't like labels.
268
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,397
But do you like
going to the front
269
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,829
and seeing all the spectrum
270
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,474
attention-grabbin'
dials and gauges?
271
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,669
Why does everybody assume
I'm on the spectrum?
272
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:40,092
Take me to the gauges
immediately.
273
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,140
No eye contact.
274
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,376
(panting)
275
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,977
I have to pump fast to catch up
with the ladies,
276
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,380
but I have to save some energy
for the ladies themselves!
277
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,523
You know what I mean?
(purrs)
278
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,360
I know there's one lady
in this direction
279
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:58,055
who's in a whole lot of trouble,
and we've got to save her.
280
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,058
Does she have
great big knockers?
281
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,760
Damn right she does.
282
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:04,202
(train whistle blows)
283
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:07,527
The Dodge City Rambler
was the way to the West.
284
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:11,504
The chains you see ensured
consensual sex workers
285
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,874
and well-treated
Chinese immigrants
286
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,184
were comfortable
on their journeys.
287
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,746
Moving on.
288
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,448
All right, buddy, enough.
289
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,379
- Quit dodging us.
- Who are you?!
290
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,054
This isn't going to end,
will it?
291
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,623
- Never!
- Actually, I'll lose interest pretty soon.
292
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,962
(sighs)
I'm Prince.
293
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,258
- Huh?
- Rock god, sex icon.
294
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,360
Prince.
295
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,464
No way!
296
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,272
♪♪
297
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,427
100% it's him.
298
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,474
Send him to me!
I'll be the judge of that!
299
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,570
(panting)
300
00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,143
Pump for your life!
301
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:50,739
We made it!
302
00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:53,154
Okay, now, where them ladies at?
303
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:55,546
Ohh!
Ahh!
304
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,988
He died doing the thing
he loved --
305
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,585
being unsure
where them ladies at.
306
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:04,962
You see, I faked my death
because my touring schedule
307
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,728
didn't give me time
to study my true passion --
308
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,228
the history of transportation.
309
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,830
Would you...
consider singing something?
310
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:15,003
Well, if you keep my secret,
311
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:18,512
I guess I did write a little
somethin', mm, new recently.
312
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,305
- Was it Little Red Corvette?
- No.
313
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,277
Could you do
Little Red Corvette?
314
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,005
Just let him sing!
315
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:26,111
Dear friends, we are here
316
00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:29,023
to talk about the history
of transportation.
317
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,116
Whoo!
318
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,947
(pounding on door)
319
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,292
Damn.
Locked.
320
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,517
I'll have to go to the roof.
321
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,533
Whoa!
This is amazing!
322
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,785
Is that... Stan?
323
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,764
STAN: I see why they do action
scenes up here in movies!
324
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,274
The wind, the tunnels --
325
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:46,795
- Aah! Tunnel!
- (thud)
326
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,200
Dodged it.
327
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,771
Wow, that was awesome!
328
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,640
Should I stay on top
of the train?
329
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:53,168
No, no, family's in danger.
330
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,443
(thudding footsteps)
331
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:58,712
So, like I was saying...
332
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,212
Dear friends, we are here --
333
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,483
Actually, could you not?
334
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:03,221
The moment's passed.
335
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,816
Francine!
Family!
336
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,989
What if something horrible
already happened?
337
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:11,118
-ALL: Steve! Steve!
Steve! Steve! Steve! -(gasps)
338
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,534
Guys, guys, it's no biggie.
339
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,556
Cleaning out that ash pan
was all it took
340
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,972
to get this train cruising.
341
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,665
Well, look who it is.
342
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:22,536
I'm sorry I got off the train,
but I'm back.
343
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,605
And now we all have to get off
the train immediately.
344
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,567
We're not going anywhere, Stan.
345
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:29,313
Whoo-ha!
Nice work, kid!
346
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,179
The train is flying now!
347
00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:32,708
(gasps)
Bad guy!
348
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:37,082
Francine, I know you're mad,
but if you come with me...
349
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:41,024
to the back... between two
passenger cars, there's a...
350
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,061
sick bat that will...
351
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,926
let you look at it up close.
352
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,425
Like at the lake house?
353
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:47,756
- Yes!
- No!
354
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,401
Francine, this man
is not what he seems.
355
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,827
Yes, because he's acting.
356
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,443
And you should know
all about acting
357
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:58,935
because you've been
acting like a total ass!
358
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:02,109
Nobody knows the train's
been hijacked.
359
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,409
Why aren't these guys
making any demands?
360
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:07,511
Oh, demands were made,
but nobody listened.
361
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:11,684
But everybody's gonna hear
when this train blows sky high.
362
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:14,094
Destroy the train?
We have to stop them.
363
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,287
- Will you help me?
- Absolutely.
364
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,829
- Great. You seem to know
what's going on with this gang. - Sure do.
365
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:19,968
- Look just like them, in fact.
- Yes.
366
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:20,993
- Hat.
- Yep.
367
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,098
- Pistols.
- Mm-hmm.
368
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,855
All the way down
to the red bandana.
369
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,614
- Yep, good eye.
- You're gonna knock me out, aren't you?
370
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:26,902
Yes, I am.
That's correct.
371
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:27,870
(thud)
372
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:28,968
STAN: Mm.
373
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,296
What's going on?
374
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,243
Are we still going
to Dodge City?
375
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:36,209
We're goin' straight to hell!
376
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,579
That was cool. That was
a really cool thing to say.
377
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:40,248
You think that was cool?
378
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,577
Wait till the boys and I
ram this train
379
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:46,052
right into the Bradford
Railway Company headquarters.
380
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,453
You'll kill everybody!
381
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,594
Please, let me go.
Let me see my family.
382
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,389
Boss, this one's being gross.
383
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,791
She keeps speculating on the
size of Elliott Gould's penis.
384
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,264
I bet it's a whopper!
385
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:57,733
Cuff her next to him.
386
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,070
No, no, please!
387
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:01,997
Sorry, my butt's pointed at you.
388
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,342
And, boy, when I get nervous,
389
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,436
that's exactly
where I fart from.
390
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,468
Whew! Starting to wish
I hadn't horked down
391
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,584
all those raw Brussels sprouts.
392
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:11,606
Hurry!
Crash the train!
393
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:18,088
(train whistle blares)
394
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,855
You're gonna crash this train
into a building.
395
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,786
- Are you crazy?
- You think that's crazy?
396
00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:24,488
You should see the price
of my dog's gourmet dog food.
397
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,261
But he insists on it.
398
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,599
- I eat it, too.
- Thank you.
399
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,695
Now, why are you killing
all these innocent people?
400
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,300
Innocent?!
401
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:35,599
Nobody who supports the Bradford
Railway Company is innocent.
402
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,942
The Bradford Railway Company
carved up this land,
403
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,609
laying tracks
wherever they damn well pleased.
404
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,878
They sent this Rambler
straight through
405
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,847
my great-great-grandpappy's
property,
406
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:51,176
right between his home
and his outhouse!
407
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,822
Whenever Pappy went to the john,
408
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,791
the Rambler blew through.
409
00:15:56,889 --> 00:16:00,329
And he had to hold it
and hold it.
410
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:03,197
Till he couldn't hold it
no more.
411
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,796
(gurgling)
412
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:08,167
Looks like my caboose
is cleaner than yours!
413
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,066
So you're gonna crash this train
414
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,971
into a building full of people
415
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:16,413
all because some old relative
of yours messed his long johns?
416
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,649
Put that rag back in your mouth!
417
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,045
I'm on a moral crusade!
418
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,078
Hey, guys,
shouldn't we be making
419
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,523
some of these stop-- (gasps)
420
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:25,887
Steve!
Pull the brake!
421
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,325
They're trying to blow up
the train!
422
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:29,364
It's too late!
(laughs)
423
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:32,186
He already taught me
everything I need to know,
424
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,932
like how to cut the brakes!
425
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,855
Ha!
426
00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:39,033
This fool just cut
the steam whistle.
427
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:41,532
If he knew anything
about air compressors,
428
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:44,074
he would've used that lever
to disable the brakes.
429
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,505
Are you friggin' kidding me,
Steve?
430
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,207
I need to be tested!
431
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,109
Take them back with the others!
432
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:52,881
They deserve a comfy seat
433
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:56,719
for when we all go up
in a giant ball of fire.
434
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:59,016
When we what?!
435
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,619
Hey, Clint,
we all gonna get exploded?
436
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:02,861
Yes, Donald.
437
00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,685
Well, nobody told me that.
438
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,391
They shouldn't have to!
439
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,903
When you married
my sister Sally,
440
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,795
you weren't just marrying her.
441
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,227
You were marrying everything
that comes with her.
442
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,873
Like our family's
kamikaze blood vendettas!
443
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,607
Well, she's never mentioned
the grandpa-poop-pants thing.
444
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,607
Hell she didn't!
It was in her dang wedding vows!
445
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,210
Damn it!
You're right!
446
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,884
Just gonna grab my lucky hanky.
447
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,782
Thought I'd wave it around,
hoot and holler
448
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:34,654
as I ride this train to hell.
449
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:40,634
♪♪
450
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:44,232
So I said to Nancy,
451
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,171
"Let's just take our shoes off
and settle this right now,
452
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,837
'cause no one has
less toenails than me."
453
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,306
Aunt Karen, are you senile
to the max or what?
454
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,435
We're gonna die!
(grunting)
455
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:56,935
Senile?
456
00:17:57,043 --> 00:17:58,513
You're the one
who lost his marbles!
457
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,851
(chuckles)
I used to play marbles.
458
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:01,947
Was pretty good.
459
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,418
(wheezes)
460
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,854
Your oxygen.
461
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:07,292
Don't worry, Karen.
462
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,687
- It'll all be over soon.
- No!
463
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,419
What are you doing?!
Help!
464
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,594
My juice!
465
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,362
He's killing me!
466
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:16,431
(canister hissing)
467
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:20,429
♪♪
468
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:24,503
♪♪
469
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,714
Now let's stop this thing.
470
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,006
(blows)
471
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,951
Whoooo! Ah! Ha!
472
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:34,876
- Whoo-hoo!
- (gunshots)
473
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:36,321
(laughing)
474
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,686
Ooh, gunshots!
Should we check them out?
475
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,615
Mm, I think
I'll go the other way.
476
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:41,950
Wait, Prince.
477
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:44,494
Any last advice
for us mere mortals?
478
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:47,891
Yes. Write a song about a year
that hasn't happened yet.
479
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:51,804
And then when that year arrives,
the song will be very popular.
480
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,465
I can't stop it!
481
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,297
We need to disconnect all the
passenger cars from the engine.
482
00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:59,144
But the engine will still hit
the building
483
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,869
and kill everyone inside.
484
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,843
Ugh! Nothing's
good enough for you!
485
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,482
But you're right.
486
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,847
We've also gotta blow up
the engine before it crashes.
487
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,816
My oxygen!
We can --
488
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,455
Use it to create
a pressurized explosion!
489
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,883
It was my idea.
I said it first.
490
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,424
But how do we not
get blown up ourselves?
491
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:18,831
Because I had the foresight to
get off the train and buy this.
492
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,055
Okay, pull it.
493
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,100
Okay, shoot.
494
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,702
Too close.
We need more space.
495
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,414
Still too close.
496
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,166
Too close.
497
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,835
Prince is alive!
498
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,823
- He's on the train!
- Quiet! I'm in the middle of --
499
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,505
Oh, my God, seriously?!
That's amazing!
500
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,124
Hey, what happened
to the engine?
501
00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:46,546
I'm comin', Grandpappy!
502
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:48,623
Oh, God, it's too far now.
503
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,021
Not for me!
504
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,892
♪♪
505
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,756
♪♪
506
00:19:57,864 --> 00:20:00,604
Huh.
I could've done that.
507
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:03,439
Oh.
508
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,196
(explosion)
509
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,905
ROGER: Wow!
We went through the fire.
510
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,277
My face was hot for a second.
511
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:16,577
♪♪
512
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:20,053
(police radio chatter,
indistinct talking)
513
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,292
You have the right
to remain funky.
514
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,594
Stan!
You're alive!
515
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,333
Thank God everyone's okay.
516
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,258
I'm so sorry I abandoned you.
517
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:32,733
I know you didn't want
to come on this dumb trip,
518
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,072
and turns out you were right.
519
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,737
No, I was wrong.
520
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,466
What I did right was marry you.
521
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,282
And I married everything
that comes with you.
522
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,605
I learned that
from the bad guys.
523
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,781
Bad guys are smart sometimes.
524
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:48,109
So what do you guys say?
525
00:20:48,214 --> 00:20:50,124
Aunt Karen's for a long weekend?
526
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:52,286
Uh, I think the hospital
may be a better place.
527
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:54,485
- She can't breathe.
- Oh, she needs oxygen.
528
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,527
-Oh, boy.
Okay, that's a priority. -Okay, we need to find
529
00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:58,556
- Let's go, hurry up.
- Quickly, quickly, everyone!
530
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:06,134
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!
531
00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:08,102
-- Captions by VITAC --
532
00:21:08,152 --> 00:21:12,702
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