All language subtitles for A Series Of Unfortunate Events S01E03

Woe is me. Woe is me.

The cry you're hearing
is that of the broken-hearted crocodile.

It is a rare species of reptile found in
swampy regions that are particularly sad.

Woe is me. Woe is me.

My name is Lemony Snicket,

and it is my sworn duty
to carefully research

the dire plight of the Baudelaire orphans.

But there is no reason
for you to make yourself

as miserable and melancholy as I am.

If I were you, I would look away

before viewing any of the horrible
and horrifying events

that comprise this ghastly new episode...
in the Baudelaires' unfortunate lives.

It's a brand-new episode
in your lives, Baudelaires.

In a few minutes you'll be meeting
your new guardian, Dr. Montgomery.

He's your closest living relative

and apparently should've been
your guardian all along,

according to your deceased parents' will.

I'm beginning to think it was a mistake
to listen to that oddly-dressed consultant

who walked into my office
with no references and no identification,

and who suggested that I place you
in Count Olaf's care.

My siblings and I wholeheartedly agree.

My recently-rehired secretary Jacquelyn

is nervous
that Count Olaf is still at large,

but I don't think Olaf will be able
to find you way out here.

Oh, look, there's an easy-to-read sign
for Lousy Lane.

The Baudelaire orphans
more than wholeheartedly agreed.

And living with Count Olaf
had been more than a mistake.

It had been a disaster.
It had been a catastrophe.

And the worst of it

was that the villainous Count Olaf
was still at large,

a phrase which here means
that the authorities had not caught him

and would not catch him
for a very long time.

By the way, the police tell me
they feel very confident

that Count Olaf will be caught
in no time at all.

Ah, here's the turn.

Lousy Lane is perhaps
the most unpleasant lane in the world.

It runs past an orchard of trees
which once produced apples so sour,

one only had to look at them to feel ill.

And it encircles a horseradish factory,

so the entire area smells
bitter and strong.

Uh, what... what is that smell?

It's ginger, I believe. We're here.

How exactly is Dr. Montgomery
related to us?

Dr. Montgomery is, let me see,

your late father's cousin's
wife's brother.

That probably explains
why you never met him.

Come along, Violet.

What do we call him?
I mean, he's not exactly our uncle.

You can call him Dr. Montgomery,

unless he asks you to call him
by his first name,

in which case you'll call him Montgomery.

- His name is Montgomery Montgomery?
- Yes, yes.

And I'm sure he's very sensitive
about that, so please don't ridicule him.

- "Ridicule" means "tease."
- We know what ridicule means.

I can...
I can still smell that ginger.

I hope Dr. Montgomery is a decent person.

Hello, hello, hello.

- You must be the Baudelaires.
- Yes.

Well, this is perfect timing
because I have just finished frosting

this delicious coconut cream cake.

Take a fork, take a fork, take a fork.

- Nice to meet you, Dr. Montgomery.
- Please, call me Monty.

I don't like fancy titles unless
they get me a discount at the movies.

Do you like going to the movies?

Very much.
But our parents didn't take us very often.

Well, we are going to go a lot.

To some very important
and very special films.

What is your favorite movie?

Um, Dawn Patrol, the 1938 version.

It was your father's favorite, too.

Well, let's not stand out here.
Come in!

Let's go.

Come along. Yes, we're going.

Now you must be Violet,
the inventor.

And you are Klaus, the reader.

Your mother was so proud
of your voracious intellectual appetites.

And you must be Sunny.

Would you like a piece of cake?

My sister prefers very hard food.

Ah. Well, that is unusual for a baby.

But not so unusual for many snakes.

Perhaps Sunny would prefer a raw carrot?

Well, that leaves one extra slice of cake.

Hmm...

I know. I'll eat it myself.

I'm just kidding, just kidding,

Mr. Poe of Mulctuary Money Management,
you are welcome to a slice of cake.

No, I should be getting back
to the bank soon.

Besides, coconut leaves
a funny feeling in my mouth.

If you need anything,
remember, you can always reach me...

They won't need anything
from you, Mr. Poe.

They're finally in my care,

and I will dedicate myself
to their safety, comfort and happiness

as enthusiastically as I have dedicated
myself to this coconut cream cake.

Our parents' fortune can't be used
until Violet comes of age.

Klaus, don't be rude.

Though, legally,
he's correct about the fortune.

I don't give a fig
about the Baudelaire fortune, Mr. Poe,

what with my salary
from the Herpetological Society.

But, as a scientist...
I do admire your skepticism, Klaus.

It's understandable after what
you children have been through.

Ah, that unpleasantness with Count Olaf.
No need to scare the man.

Terribly sorry, Mr. Poe.

My screeching iguana clock
does tend to startle some people.

But then, so, of course,
does the screeching iguana.

- I think I'll see myself out.
- Capital idea.

Bye, Mr. Poe.

Bye.

Goodbye, children.
Remember you can reach me

at Mulctuary Money Management
if you need me for anything.

Just don't forget to call...

I'm terribly sorry
if I was rude to him, children,

but, frankly, that man ruffles my scales.

"Unpleasantness with Count Olaf," he says,

when Mr. Poe is the very reason you were
put with Count Olaf in the first place.

Well, not to worry.
You're finally safe now, children,

just as your parents wanted.

Actually, Dr. Montgomery...

- Monty.
- Monty...

Uncle Monty, I hope,
once you get used to me.

Monty, our parents never mentioned you.

Really?

Really.

Dr. Montgomery Montgomery?

Renowned scientist?

Herpetologist?

Hmm.

That is astonishing.

Follow me. Now, your parents and I
practically grew up together.

I can't believe your parents
never told you about me.

I loved them dearly.
Look, here's a picture of us.

- There's no one in that picture.
- We're locked inside the piano.

Ah, we were so young.

Well, it seems that
some proper introductions need to be made.

Do you know what "herpetology" means?

Well, "ology" always means
"the study of... "

Snakes. Snakes, snakes, snakes.
That's what I study.

I circle the globe in search
of a creature who can encircle a globe.

Oh, don't worry about your dishes.

Just leave them anywhere.
Gustav will wash them up.

Uh... Gustav!

Oh, drat.

What?

I forgot all about Gustav.

He was my assistant for many years,

then he left me a quite unexpected letter
of resignation just yesterday morning.

Quite surprising, really.
Well, no matter what.

Who needs an assistant when I have
three charming Baudelaire bambinis

to help me with my research?

Bambini?

Bambini. It's Italian for "children."

Why, I'm so giddy having you here

that I might as well be talking gibberish.

Now, Baudelaires,

I am about to show you one of the
most important scientific collections

in the history of the world.

Spies and rivals
in the world of herpetology

would eat nine garter snakes

to get a glimpse of the wonders
inside this room.

This door has been installed
with top-of-the-line security system.

You can't get inside unless you have
19 keys, three combinations,

two fingerprints and one optical scan.

Or, as I share
with my most trusted associates...

by turning this doorknob...

right here.

This is the Reptile Room.

Feel free to explore.

Here is the lizard wing...

and here... is a winged lizard.

Now, see his yellow-striped belly,
a sign of camouflage and cowardice.

Can it really fly?

He can fly on cue.

Fly!

And here...
we have the dissonant tortoises,

soothed only by the music of
Alexander Scriabin or early Sonic Youth.

This, my dears,
is my most recent discovery.

The crown jewel
of the Montgomery Reptile Collection.

I discovered him on a recent journey
and I brought him under cover of night

and a very large hat.

Because next month,
I am going to present him

to the Herpetological Society
as my new discovery.

I discovered him, so I got to name him.

What is it called?

The incredibly deadly viper.

One thing that I have found is that

when the story of the Baudelaires becomes
too upsetting for me,

when it becomes absolutely overwhelming,

it is useful to stop
for a moment of contemplation,

uh, with a cup of tea
or some other powerful beverage.

However, I can sip my tea
knowing that Sunny Baudelaire

absolutely survives
this particular incident.

It is Dr. Montgomery, however,
who ends up dead, although not yet.

Anyways, apologies for the interruption.

Cheers.

Do something!

- Sunny!
- Get the snake!

- The snake!
- What are you doing?

You let a deadly snake
bite our sister!

- I told you we couldn't trust him.
- You're laughing?

I'm terribly sorry, children.

I'm so sorry. Oh.

But the incredibly deadly viper
is one of the friendliest

and least dangerous animals
in the entire animal kingdom.

Sunny will come to no harm
and neither will you.

But it's called
the incredibly deadly viper.

Yes. It's a misnomer.
Do you know what that means?

"A very wrong name"?

Well, a very fitting definition.

Why would you give your own discovery
the wrong name?

Because... I intend to play a little joke

on those stuffed shirts
at the Herpetological Society.

Payback for years of ridicule.

"Hello, hello, Montgomery Montgomery.

How do you do, how do you do,
Montgomery Montgomery?"

Well, at our next meeting,

I'm going to introduce
the incredibly deadly viper,

and then pretend it's escaped.

And you know who'll be laughing then?

Me.

Are there any snakes in this room
that are dangerous?

Well, of course.

You can't study snakes
and not find some that are dangerous.

I have an entire cabinet
full of venom samples

from some of the most venomous snakes
known to man.

And woman.

Which leads me
to the heart of the operation.

Now, bambini,

this is the most important part
of the Reptile Room:

my scientific library.

The deepest secrets of the snake world
can be found in these pages.

And I hope that you'll find them.

So we're allowed to read all these books?

You are not only allowed,
you are implored to read these books.

You know, I always wanted
to have a family of my own.

But...

time flies like a winged lizard.

Now...

I know... that a few dangerous reptiles

can make you skeptical
of the entire species.

But, if you give them a chance...

and you get to know them well enough
to tell the dangerous from the good...

I promise you...

no harm will come to you
in the Reptile Room.

There is a type of situation
which occurs all too often

in the story of the Baudelaire orphans,
called dramatic irony.

Simply put, dramatic irony is
when a person makes a remark,

and someone who hears it knows something,

which makes the remark have a different,
usually unpleasant, meaning.

Uh, for example, if I were to say,
"I can't wait to eat this almond cookie,"

but there were people around
that knew the almond cookie was poisoned,

that would be dramatic irony.

For that reason, when we hear
Uncle Monty tell the children...

I promise you, no harm
will come to you in the Reptile Room.

we should be on guard for
the unpleasant arrival of dramatic irony.

Woe is me.

Woe is me.

Don't be sad.
Uncle Monty will be down soon.

It can't understand you.

Dr. Montgomery said
the broken-hearted crocodile's mating call

just happens to sound
like depressed human speech.

I know. Just like talking to it.

I wish he'd go back outside.
He's... annoying.

- Woe is me.
- Woe is you?

We're the ones
whose parents perished in a fire

and now we're being passed around
like hot potatoes.

Look, Klaus. It can't understand you.

I know that!

Sorry.

Klaus, I know how you feel.

We're always gonna miss our parents.

But... Monty's been a good guardian so far

and it seems like our parents
really wanted us here.

But that's just it.

Our parents never mentioned
Dr. Montgomery.

Why did we never visit him?

I thought we knew
all our parents' friends.

I thought we knew everything about them.

I'm sure they had a good reason
for not telling us about Monty.

Maybe it was the same reason
they sent us to Briny Beach that day.

Or maybe there was a more sinister reason.

Bambini? Baudelaire bambini!
There you are.

How was your day?

I polished the tortoise
and Sunny fed it some bananas

and Klaus clipped the iguana's nails.

Ah, thank you. I'm so grateful.

Perhaps, when I'm out,

you can lure the androgynous cobra
out of my sock drawer.

- Where are you going?
- Well, I'm gonna go into town

and pick up a few things
that I like to keep in stock.

Wasp repellent, canned peaches,
a fireproof canoe.

And then, tonight,
we'll go and see our first movie.

Won't that be exciting?

- What movie are we seeing?
- Well, we won't know until we get there.

I've never heard of a movie theater that
doesn't tell you what movie is playing.

Klaus Baudelaire,
I have a feeling there are many things

that you're going to see
that you've never heard of before.

Life is a conundrum of esoterica.

Come along, Raymond Ditmars.

There we go. Come along.

Yes.

Now, there we go.

Ta-ta for now.
Come along, come along. Yes.

Yes. That's right.

What did he mean,
"conundrum of esoterica"?

Well, a conundrum is a mystery.

And esoterica are obscure objects
or documents.

Look at this.

This is the original blueprint
for Dr. Montgomery's landscaping.

Those hedges outside make up a labyrinth.

And if you look at the labyrinth
from the top, it's...

It looks like the tattoo
Count Olaf has on his ankle.

It's a mark of villainy.

Monty cannot be
in cahoots with Count Olaf.

He seems too nice.

Things aren't always as they seem.

Something strange is going on here.

Mother and Father told us
all sorts of stories

that happened before we were born.

So why doesn't the name
Montgomery Montgomery ring a bell?

Good morning.

I am Stephano,
Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant.

It's afternoon. And you're Count Olaf.

Perhaps one of you can take my suitcases
up to my room.

The ride along that smelly road
was dull and unpleasant,

and Stephano is very tired.

You're Count Olaf,

and if anyone ever deserved
to travel along Lousy Lane, it's you.

We will not help you with your luggage
and we will not let you in this house.

Well, I see you children
haven't changed a bit.

Violet, you're obviously
as stubborn as ever.

Klaus, you're still wearing
those idiotic glasses

from reading too many books.

And I can see little Sunny here
still has nine toes instead of ten.

What are you talking about?

My sister has ten toes,
like the vast majority of people.

Really? That's odd.

I could have sworn that she lost
one of her toes in an accident.

I seem to recall a man named Stephano

being so confused
by being called Count Olaf

that he accidentally dropped his knife
on one of her little feet

and severed one of her toes.

You wouldn't dare.

Let's not discuss what I would
or would not dare do.

Instead, let's discuss
your poor, unfortunate parents.

Your father and mother
were very brave in their days.

But...

their days are done, Baudelaires.

That is not a photo of our parents.

Yes, it is. They're inside the piano.

How do you know that?

I took the picture.

And now, all that's left of them
is their enormous fortune,

and that enormous fortune is mine.

- Never.
- Never is a very long time.

And your ridiculous uncle
will be back in a few seconds.

Go!

Run!

Blast!

Furnaces of hell!

Baudelaires!

Baudelaires!

I've brought you a present.

It's very sharp.

- How did he find us?
- That's the wrong question.

- What do we do?
- Open this door!

We can smash a window
and make our way into town

and catch a train far away from here.

And where would we go?

Anywhere but here.

If Count Olaf found us here,
he could find us wherever we went.

Open this door!

We can't just stay here and wait for him
to burst in and slaughter us.

He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't hurt us
till he gets his hands on our fortune.

He must have some scheme.
I just don't know what it could be.

We should never have let him in the house.

- We can't think about that now.
- Open the door!

For years afterwards,
the Baudelaires wondered

what they might have done differently
the day Count Olaf appeared at their door.

Maybe, they thought, just maybe,

they could've saved Monty's life.

- Monty's back.
- Hello!

He'll see right through
Stephano's disguise... won't he?

My name is Stephano.
I have been sent from very far away.

Well, that is an unusual
and long-winded explanation.

Thank you.

Uh... so let me understand this.

You are my new assistant, sent to me
even though I didn't ask for one,

by the Scientific Society Seeking
to Soothe Stress and Suffering.

Yes.

"SSSSSS" for short.

- "SSSSSS."
- Mmm...

No. It's "SSSSSS."

"SSSSSS."

No.

Listen to... "SSSSSS."

Ah, yeah, uh... "SSSSSS."

- Yes.
- Ah...

And your name is Stephano?

What? Yes. Yes. Definitely.

Ah! And these are your papers.

Yes.

"Stephano... SSSSSS"

Hmm.

Well, seems everything is settled, then.

- Really?
- Yes. Welcome.

- Thank you.
- Come inside.

Come in, come in.

Welcome to my home... um...

uh...

Uh...

- Stephano!
- Stephano!

Stephano. Yes.

Well, there's a spare room upstairs.

It's small, but like I said, I have
three young children living with me,

- so living quarters are quite tight.
- Not for long.

I mean, I don't mind.

Ah.

Well, why don't you go upstairs
and get yourself settled?

And I will go and find the children,
who you say have...

hidden themselves in the Reptile Room

because you chased them
up and down the staircase with a knife.

A simple misunderstanding.

Yes. Well, I'm sure
they'll be glad to hear that.

Are those suitcases alligator skin?

I really love reptiles.

Hmm. Baudelaires?

- Is that you, Dr. Montgomery?
- Yes!

Uh, let me just unlock
all these important security measures

and I'll join you in the Reptile Room!

Retinal scan one.

Retinal scan two.

I am so sorry, Baudelaires,

that you were frightened
by that man who arrived earlier.

Um, it makes sense that you were alarmed,

being that he chased you
up and down the stairs with a knife.

But there's nothing to fear.

He is my new assistant, Stephano.

I have seen his papers
and everything is in order.

So, you see,
there's nothing to be worried about.

Oh, yes... I see now.

How silly we were to be afraid.

Precisely, Baudelaires!

Uh, Stephano has explained to me

that he has a very strict fitness regimen,

where he has to run up and down the stairs
brandishing a knife

at least three times a day.

So, that makes perfect sense.

I might join him
on that exercise regimen.

Very good, very good.

So, now that that is cleared up,

would you mind helping me
bring things in from my truck?

I got all my shopping done
and I even brought takeout for dinner.

There should even be enough for Stephano.

Now, we don't have much time
before the movie,

so help me take down this canoe.

Here we go.

I am so sorry, Baudelaires.

I had no idea that our enemies
would catch up to us so quickly.

It's clear now
that I can't turn my back for a second.

- So you recognized him?
- Of course I recognized him.

I'm not some half-witted banker
or some member of a High Court,

who's so starstruck that I can't see
what's right in front of me.

He can wear as many lab coats as he wants,

and present me with
as many ridiculous papers as he wants.

He's no more a lab assistant than
I'm a three-mouth Brazilian waxed turtle.

So what are we gonna do?

- Call the authorities?
- What does H-A spell?

You think when I was climbing Mount Felix
searching for the goat-eating cobra,

that I called the authorities? No.

If we call the police or Mr. Poe
or the official fire department,

that so-called lab assistant
will have us in his clutches

before they can darken my doorstep.

And we all know
Stephano does not work alone.

We must keep an eye on Stephano.

He will join us for dinner

and then we'll invite him
to the movies tonight.

A man that dastardly
must be watched like a hawk.

That's all we're gonna do?
Keep an eye on him?

For now, Baudelaires,

we'll be watchful and wary,

which is a word
that around here means "very careful."

- We know what wary means.
- Good.

Because...

we can't afford to turn our backs,
not even for a second.

Besides...

- Dr. Montgomery.
- Monty!

So sorry.

I seem to have been very careless
with the heavy glass reading lamp

that was in my bedroom

that fell out
right when you were walking under it.

Uh, yeah. Totally understandable.

It... it happens all the time.

Sorry about that.

No harm done.

I know the layout of that room

as well as I know the bone structure
of the osteoporosis lizard,

and there is no way that
that lamp was near that window.

Of course not.

He wasn't being careless.
He was being murderous.

Dr. Montgomery, I really think
we ought to contact the authorities.

Trust me, Baudelaires...

I may be a world-renowned herpetologist,

but I also minored in criminology.

I know what I'm doing.

Now let's eat quickly, everyone.
We don't want to be late for the movies.

I don't think I'll be joining tonight.

I thought I'd stay in
and read up on poisonous venoms.

Well, Stephano, you must join us.
We have to celebrate your arrival.

In all honesty, I prefer
long-form television to the movies.

It's so much more convenient
to consume entertainment

from the comfort of your own home.

Hmm. Well, I insist you come.

I insist upon staying here.

Well, I insisted first.

Well, I insisted... louder!

Well...

with all due respect,
I feel a little uncomfortable

leaving my reptiles alone
with a relative stranger.

Fine.

But I would like to make
a brief phone call before we leave.

Of course.

The phone is in the parlor.

- Could you please pass the pot stickers?
- Yeah.

They're all gone.

Yes, a movie theater.

Where they show movies.

Yes, of course it's more convenient

to watch from the comfort
of your own home,

but I didn't ask for your opinion.

Shotgun.

Thank you.

- Hurry up.
- In you go, Klaus.

Ticktock.

Don't want to miss the previews.

There you go.

And all of the excessive commercials.

Yeah, and then just keep...
Get in. All right.

We don't know what you're up to,
but we will find out.

If anything happens to my sisters or me,

you'll never get your hands
on the Baudelaire fortune.

If I wanted to harm you, orphan,

your blood would be streaming out
of this car like a waterfall.

No, I am not going to harm a hair
on any Baudelaire head.

At least, not on purpose.

But accidents happen all the time,
don't they?

And that is when I said to him,

"The frog is the greatest reptile
known to man."

- Frogs are amphibians.
- What?

Stephano, where did you study herpetology?

I don't know anything about mouth sores.

Oh! I love this song!

I just thought it might be nice
to get out and see a movie.

I need more exciting things in my life.

And I think
it's because my life is boring.

Yes. Uh, well, enjoy the show, ma'am.

- Dr. Montgomery!
- Hello, old chap!

Two adults, three minors.

I'm giving you the Verified Film Discount.

Ah, lovely.

I decided to treat myself to some popcorn

because there is nothing exciting
happening in my life at all.

Hey...
Some popcorn actually sound delicious.

I get popcorn for me, for all of us.
My treat.

- Really?
- Yes, you go. Go take a seat.

Come on, children.

Go, go. Go, go.

Seventh row, right of center,
that is the best place.

That's what our mother always said.

Who do you think taught it to me?

You know, kids, I am so happy
to be seeing a movie with you.

Your parents would be so very proud.
I know they would.

For seeing a movie?

There's more to a movie than just a movie.

Just like a book can contain
crucial secrets about the world of snakes,

or it can be used
to prop open a refrigerator door

when you're airing it out.

What my sister means is,
we're not sure we're really following you.

Ah, there's so much to learn.

Unfortunately, some of that learning
is going to have to be delayed tonight,

because of you-know-who.

Promise me this...

If I leave during the showing,
you will not act as if anything is amiss,

but you'll keep your eyes
on that fraud Stephano.

- I got the popcorn.
- Ah!

This one is for me,
and this one is for the rest of you.

Oh...

Your generosity is noted, Stephano.

My name is not, uh...
Nothing but Stephano.

Shh.

Ah, Gustav.

Not now.

Subtitles? This movie is boring already.

Come, Gerta.

- Two.
- Today, we honor the founding...

- Six.
- of our sleepy alpine village

with the traditional building of a snowman

- Four.
- in the village square.

Traditions are important, Rolf.

If the movie's in English,
why are there English subtitles?

All the best movies have subtitles.

But that still doesn't explain...

- Shh.
- Shh!

I'm watching the movie!

No! Where is your conscience?

Klaus, haven't we seen
that actress before?

I don't think we've seen
anything like this before.

Sing about it!

They'll eat your feet
They'll eat your feet

They'll munch on your head
They'll munch on your head

You're a tasty treat
You're a tasty treat

For the walking dead

The sturdy oak barrier!
They've broken through it!

Gerta... don't let them take the children!

- Onward. To the safe house.
- Hmm.

Don't shed tears, sweet Gerta.

I promise this isn't goodbye.

No one's preparing to die, Rolf.

Put on this warm scarf...

Oh, I need to get more popcorn.

And your poor mother's tutu.

- Should I go this way?
- No, no, no.

- Just go that way.
- You're blocking the screen!

- Is it better to go this way?
- Sit down!

- No. Go that way.
- I can go this way.

- You're blocking the screen!
- I'm all right...

- I'll go here.
- Go that way.

- That way? Aye, no.
- Yes.

I feel like your elbow tell me

- and your hand, your finger...
- That way.

You're blocking the screen!

- I'm sorry.
- I can't see!

I hope you didn't miss anything.

You'll always be in my heart...

and in this snow bank.

Per favore.

- Butter?
- Salt?

I'd thank you...

Ooh.
- for coming on such short notice,

but I'm not in the habit
of coddling my henchpeople.

Due to one overprotective
herpetologist's hysteria

over the safety of his appalling
collection of creatures,

Operation Capture Monty has been relocated

from Monty's home
to this godforsaken nickelodeon.

And just in time.

I think you-know-who
is trying to send a you-know-what.

Hello?

Am I...

A message.

They're trying to send a...

Oh, forget it.
Operation Capture Monty is a go.

Is there anything else I should know?

You look handsome in that beard.

Hmm. I already knew that.

I am zombie.

What did I miss?
Oh, boy, they're still singing.

I am going to need to excuse myself.

- Shh.
- Nature calls.

Stephano, would you be so kind
as to keep an eye on the children?

Wait, Dr. Montgomery said
to keep an eye on us.

We're too young
to be left in a theater alone.

Down in front.

Get out of the way!

- Pictures today. So violent.
- Mmm-hmm.

Mother always said
we'd catch a man at the movies.

Uh-huh.

Surely nothing can spoil
this happy and festive occasion.

There are hundreds of zombies
coming down from those snow banks!

- They'll munch on your head
- What? What's going on?

And your poor mother's tutu.

We've already seen this part!

And in this snow bank...

Well, that is where I shall bury you.

This would be much easier with a shovel.

How can we overcome our differences...

Quick splicing, old friend.

Things must be worse than we thought.

I need four tickets
on the SS Prospero to Peru.

Meet me at the ticket booth.
I sell all kinds of tickets.

- Well, wish me luck, old friend.
- Good luck, Dr. Montgomery.

And a one and a two
and a chicka-booma-chick.

The Baudelaires did not wanna
turn their backs on Count Olaf,

so they did not see what happened
in the back of that dark theater.

But, of course,
there was much more going on

that the Baudelaire orphans
were not aware of.

Ah, well, that was a narrow escape

full of incredible twists and
astonishing acrobatics. Can you walk?

Better than I can waltz.

If we're lucky,
we'll be with the children by bedtime.

Any idea where this tunnel lets out?

I'd say judging by the barometric pressure
and watery winds,

somewhere south of Winnipeg.

Peru.

Like I said. South of Winnipeg.

Terrible ending.

The villagers should have been eaten,
like in Citizen Kane.

Monty never came back.

- Monty!
- Monty?

What's this?
Your guardian has disappeared?

Dear me, dear me.

Ah, this is just terrible.

Three helpless children
all alone in the world.

Whatever shall we do next?

Drive home, of course.

- Monty!
- You're here.

Hello, children.

It's been a long night and
we have a very busy day tomorrow.

- Did you enjoy the movie?
- It was unusual.

Uh, it will require
some further explanation.

Wait in the car, Baudelaires.

I have some unfinished business
with Stephano.

- Will you be okay?
- Of course.

I am your guardian.

It is my job...

and my delight, might I add,
to keep you safe.

Run along.

Arrive... chechem.

Do you think
you can just waltz into my life,

and the life of my children,
and perpetuate this treachery?

You're a wretched person

and a bad actor, Stephano,

or whatever your real name is.

You don't know my real name?

I don't need to know your real name.

Because you...

are a spy from the Herpetological Society.

What?

Can you hear what they're saying?

I hope he's telling Count Olaf
that his plot is foiled and he's done for.

You're done for, Stephano.

Well, what can I say,
Montgomery Montgomery?

You have found out my secret identity.
There's no doubt about it.

I've been outsmarted.

Yes. You have.

Now be gone.
You and your... pale-face twins.

I said be gone!

Hang your head in shame,
herpeta-loser.

- He's tougher than he looks.
- Even tougher than two old ladies.

Really?

Well, Baudelaires, that terrible man
will never bother us again.

- You mean...
- That's right.

I confronted him
and threw him out of our lives forever.

The authorities are on their way.

And we're just leaving him there?
In the parking lot?

Under the watchful eye
of a very capable ticket seller.

Besides, if he does slip away...

Again.

Well, it's none of our concern.
We will be far, far away from here.

Baudelaires, we are not going to spend
the season in a research laboratory.

We are off to Peru.

- Peru?
- It's a wonderful country,

full of natural and slithering beauty.

And what's more important, answers.

You must have oodles of questions
after that movie.

If my parents hadn't taught me
about this when I was your age,

my head would be dizzy with confusion.

Well, once we disembark in Chimbote,
you will have all the answers you need.

What do you say, Baudelaires?
Are you in?

We're in, Monty.

Well, it's a good thing I stocked up
on peaches and canoes.

You never know when you might need
to leave the country in a moment's notice.

Life is a conundrum of esoterica.

Well said, Klaus Baudelaire.
Well said.

Then we travel inward to Ollantaytambo

in search of some geckos
who have an extra leg.

First one to find one gets to name it.

- Sounds wonderful.
- Doesn't it?

Listen, children. I know that the loss
of your parents was a great tragedy.

But you can still have the life
they wanted for you.

But now, it is time for bed. Yes.

We have a squidillion things
to do tomorrow and a boat to catch.

Oh, Sunny, it seems that
you finished all of your marshmallows.

What my sister means...

I know what your sister means, Violet.

It seems we finally found a soft food
that you like after all.

More on that tomorrow.

- Good night, bambini.
- Good night.

Good night, Uncle Monty.

Sweet dreams. And tomorrow... Peru.

I'm sorry to say this was the last time

the screeching iguana clock would strike
before the arrival of dramatic irony.

But as Dr. Montgomery had promised,

no harm would come to the Baudelaire
orphans in the Reptile Room.

But I regret to say that great harm
would come to Uncle Monty.