All language subtitles for Orange.Is.the.New.Black.S06E13.Be.Free.NF.WEB-DL.DD5.1.x264-BTW

Are you watching me sleep?

- What time is it?
- Almost 7:30.

I haven't slept this well in months.

You and I are like yin and yang.
I couldn't sleep a wink last night.

Have you ever tried
progressive muscle relaxation?

You start with your toes
and tense them as hard as you can.

Then relax completely.

And work your way up your body,
all the way up to the top of your head.

How do you tense your head?

I don't know. Stop questioning my methods.

Where's your roomie?

She's been making herself
quite scarce lately.

Come. Join me.

The water's fine.

And risk getting more shots?
You know I can't.

Yes, you can. You're choosing not to.
Own your free will.

Okay.

Aw.

Look at this. Mmm.

Isn't this nice?

It'd be nicer if you brushed your teeth.

- I'm not getting anything.
- Really? 'Cause I'm getting Purina.

Oh, man.

- I said a line! Tighten up!
- Shh.

- Well, that was fun.
- No, no, no. Stay.

We can be a lump.

Don't look at me. Walk.

- See?
- This was a mistake.

Shh. Be a lump.

You're hot-boxing me with your breath.

How? How am I hot-boxing you?

No.

Peek-a-boo. Little sorority slumber party?
All it's missing is the shots.

- Oh, come on.
- Is that really necessary?

No licky-fishy in here,
unless I can watch.

And right now, I got shit to do.

Vause, get the fuck gone.

- Chapman, you're coming with me.
- Where?

Do I have time to brush my teeth?
Because apparently I need to.

How about I knock 'em out
and you never need to brush again?

Stay.

Excuse me, do you know what this is about?

Do you know why
we're seeing a case manager?

I don't know. But mi abuela used to say
that bad things come in threes.

First, they move my good bunkie
into a new cell block.

Second, I get my period this morning.

Can you really count your period
as a bad thing

on a list of bad things
if it comes every month?

I thought I was pregnant.

Hmm? You...

Hmm.

- Sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.

And this is the third thing.
Whatever this is.

Hey.
You know what this is about?

Time to make the donuts, kid.

Okay. One sec.

- I'm really...
- Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

- That's what I thought.
- Can't even fill it out right.

Usually, they come to pick you up
around 11:00,

but with processing,

you're gonna wanna tell
whoever you got coming,

at least an hour or so after that.

Unless they don't mind waiting.

Depends which guards they got on duty.

Is this for court?

Do I get an arraignment
to tell what the charges are?

This is for release.

You're getting out tomorrow.

Where the fuck is my curling iron?

I don't know why you use the drawer.
Cleared it out for you.

Do you like the tiny diamonds
or the little swoopy things?

You are a grown man.

You should be able
to dress yourself by now.

Today's closing statements
in Taystee's trial,

and I have a coffee with a journalist

from the Marshall Project
about the MCC story.

- I don't wanna look like an idiot.
- Well, that would be a miracle.

- Something else bothering you?
- What?

'Cause you're being
an even bigger bitch than normal.

You want to know what's bothering me?

You're getting all dressed up
like you have some place to go,

but you don't have a job.

You're choosing ties
to be a spectator and have coffee.

I'm trying to make a difference here.

Yeah? Good luck with that.

I hope it's worth pushing your career
off a cliff.

This is such garbage.

I don't believe for a minute
you give a shit about my career.

- You want to know what I think?
- I actually don't care.

I think you're picking a fight with me

for the same reason
you won't take the fucking drawer.

This ain't some quick-fuck affair anymore.

This is real and real scares
the crap out of you.

Or maybe I am just fine with real

and you don't know
what you're talking about.

Yeah, I might buy that,
if you hadn't married a gay guy.

If you find the curling iron,
fucking keep it.

Wow, you look like shit.

I'm not the one right now, Flaca.

Is your back still fucked up?

Everything is fucked up.

Well, Flacacare has been providing

cheap and easy
healthcare services since 1992.

We do accept pre-existing conditions

as long as it's not some nasty shit,
like my baby cousin once had

where the worms came out of his butthole.

I don't know
what's wrong with you,

but that was highly riffable.

Find your center before we commentator
for tomorrow's kickball game.

I ain't commentatoring no kickball game.

Who am I supposed to bounce
my witty observations off of?

Do whatever you did when I was gone.

Gloria? Nah, that bitch is too greedy
with the mic.

Plus, I'm trying to pretend
I don't know her like that,

so I don't get sent to SHU, too.

It's a long story.

Well, too bad.

'Cause I ain't got shit to say right now.

I don't think you know this,

but there is some, like,
weird and tense shit going on

because of this kickball game.

So, they need us out there to bring
laughter and insightful observations.

You've been working this depressed
look for way too long, honey.

It's time to switch it up.

Like Tía Mariana always says,

just because you ate
a McGriddle for breakfast,

doesn't mean
that you need to eat cheesecake

and bacon-wrapped hot dogs
for the rest of the day.

You can always get
a southwest chicken salad.

You can always get
a southwest chicken salad, Cindy.

So, uh, yeah.

Your services are no longer needed
on the kickball field tomorrow.

Which of us are you talking to?

All of you.

It's our team, too!
You can't do that. Who says?

They do.

Do you bitches mind
if we have these seats?

- Do I have to leave?
- Of course not.

Adeola, you know you're good here.

You're a real jack-of-all-trades
in here, aren't you, Adeola?

Down for a sacrament and a shanking
in the same afternoon.

Yes, well, I was an evolutionary
anthropologist in Lagos.

So I was mainly interested
in human behavior in a cultural context

and the shifting dynamics of tribalism,
and in particular,

how the disputes between social psychology
and behavioral ecology

negotiated themselves on a micro scale.

That said, I will fuck up a bitch
when necessary.

Girl, you're fucking hilarious, yo.

Everybody listen up.

I'm gonna go through some details,

and Barb has a few words
she wants to say before you go.

So bring it in.

This is the signal. When I do this...

That's the signal for scissoring.

Fine. Uh, this is the signal.

That's the shocker.

That's the shocker for Trekkies.

Fuck it. When I throw
the shocker for Trekkies,

that's the signal for you to charge.

Pregnant girl is gonna distract the guards
with some fake labor pains,

and that will be the signal to move.

Oh! I'm gonna be so good at this.

There was this one time,
when I faked appendicitis

when I got caught shoplifting,

and they rushed me to the hospital
and actually removed my appendix.

Plus, they never found the seven necklaces
I had stashed in my hair.

My hair was very big back then.

Anyone who doesn't have a weapon
needs to make one tonight.

There's extra supplies
stuck to the bottom of this table.

So feel around for what you might need,
but carefully.

You okay, Nick?

Huh?

Yeah, yeah. It is an honor
just to be nominated.

I'll be out there.

There are gonna be plenty
of C-Block slags out there.

You leave the bitch to me.
Everybody got that? Carol is mine.

And I got Barb.

I want her to know it was me that did her.

She's gonna die looking into my eyes.

It's not an easy thing
that I'm asking you girls to do.

I ain't gonna lie.

Some of you here
won't make it into next week.

But C-Block will never let there be peace.

They wave with one hand

and they shiv us in the back
with the other.

Fucking two-faced,
worthless D-Block cunts!

I think it's pretty fucking obvious
we don't have a choice here.

Our only option is to protect ourselves.

So tomorrow, when you head out
onto that kickball field...

You stick 'em through to the red meat.

And make sure they don't get back up.

C-Block.

D-Block, D-Block, D-Block.

C-Block.

C-Block.

D-Block, D-Block, D-Block,
D-Block, D-Block.

C-Block! C-Block!

- D-Block, D-Block.
- C-Block! C-Block! C-Block! C-Block!

Since we have
these booby traps now,

is it okay if I leave the cell
and ask around

if anybody's heard
about my friend Taystee?

I just never found out if she was okay,

and we were friends
and I think we still are friends.

She might be mad at me
for being a bad friend,

and I don't know, and I have
this drop-y feeling happening

- in the middle of my chest right now.
- Sure. Go ahead.

If somebody tries to kill me, I'll holler.

Okay.

Thanks, Frieda.

Who is it?

Looks like I'm getting out.

Congratulations. What do you want?

Well, I was gonna offer you first dibs
on some of my stuff,

but I guess I'll be on my way
if you're too busy and too bitchy.

Yeah, I'm sorry. In a mood these days.

You got anything with, uh, vinyl chloride
or isobutane in it?

Bitch, I can use this shit like Basquiat,
but I'll be damned

if I know the chemical compounds.

Easy.

You okay?

Ah, hip's a little stiff.
Been sleeping on the stool.

Can't be too careful.

So, what you got planned
for when they give you your freedom?

You heard of James Baldwin?

He one of the Baldwin brothers?
I like Alec. Sexy!

In that manly man way, you know?

Like, he's got hair on his back,
but you don't mind.

James Baldwin was a writer, and black,

and gay and not particularly hairy.

Back when I was at my lowest,

when I wasn't sure I wanted to live,

I read a quote of his
and it stayed with me.

"Freedom is not something
anybody can be given.

Freedom is something people take,

and people are as free
as they want to be."

You know what I want?

I want to walk outside
and look at the sky.

If people are as free as they want to be,

I should be able to stroll out
those doors, look up and see sky.

But I can't do that
on account of the bars.

'Cause I ain't free.

I'll take these.
What you want for 'em?

Consider it a parting gift.
Farewell, with your cranky ass.

Give us! Us free! Give us! Us free!

Whoo!

Alex. Al?

Are you smelling the soap?

You know they got soap
on the outside, right?

I just can't believe...

We're getting out.

Gringuita, why the hell
are you whispering?

We're getting out of this place!

Doesn't it feel weird?

Everything that
you're gonna be leaving behind?

I'm leaving behind a musty wife beater,

a quarter bottle of Head & Shoulders,

and a bunch of petty bitches

that are the reason my elbow hurts
when I straighten it.

Out there?

I have a chance of starting a life.

Diablo is going to go crazy
out of his mind when I tell him.

I'm gonna come right out and say it.

We're ending Fantasy Inmate tomorrow.

- What?
- What?

I'm just starting to heat up.

When the fuck did Alvarez become commish?

And why are we all pretending
this painfully Caucasian guy is Hispanic?

It is not unusual for some Latino men
to have fair pigmentation.

Martin Sheen was born
Ramón Antonio Gerardo Estevez.

Fucking made that name up.

I think we might be getting off track.

There was an incident with an inmate

discovering Fantasy materials
in an unsecure location.

And they were left by CO...

"Joel Luschek."

I am joking, of course,
as I knew it was Joel Luschek,

before I read it.

But I was pretending to read
off the document for comedy.

That is bullshit and you know it.

So some crazy inmate broke into my desk?
Who was it?

Gloria Mendoza.

When Alvarez subdued her,

she was about to talk about our league
on the radio.

She's cooling in the SHU for now,

but we ought to give
Fantasy Inmate a rest.

He just wants to end it now
because he's in first place.

This morning, I had an old biddie
in Florida poo herself.

McCullough can vouch.
Where does that put me?

Two points from that would put you in...

Yeah, last place.

Again, I knew she was in last place
before I said it,

but I looked down and I pretended
to read it off of the document for comedy.

All right. End of meeting.
Everybody back to work.

A reminder to have all of your
point submissions in by tomorrow evening.

The winner will be announced
via text message.

There better be some massive collisions

or a high-speed ball
to the face during the game.

That's our last chance to catch up
to Moneyball over there.

Hey, Hopper.

Wonder if we cancel the kickball game
now that there's no more Fantasy Inmate?

Oh, no, it'll, uh, give the other guys
a chance to catch up with the standings.

We're gonna be outnumbered
out there, 20-1.

You got nothing to worry about.

Just gonna be a little roughhousing.
But nothing serious.

This place is fucked.

Why do we even do Fantasy Inmate?
It's horrible.

Let me ask you a question, McCullough.

Have you ever heard about us
having a riot down here at Max?

You ever heard of any inmates
injuring the guards?

Attacking the guards?

Can you think of one major incident?

Are you gonna make me come out and say it?

That's why we do Fantasy Inmate.

To keep them swinging at each other.

Because when they're swinging
at each other,

they're not looking at us.

Let's not forget
who the bad guys are, huh?

I'm showing you these photos
not to disturb you,

though they are disturbing.

I'm showing them to you

so that you won't forget
the seriousness of the crime.

So that you won't get hung up
on a nickname or a sad childhood story

when you think about the fact that
multiple witnesses saw Tasha Jefferson

angrily shove a gun into this man's face,

threatening to kill him.

Moments later...

a brutal gunshot wound.

A gunshot wound that Dr. Styvver,

a medical examiner
with decades of experience,

confirms as Desi Piscatella's
cause of death.

Ladies and gentlemen,

defense counsel was wrong
to say you have a choice here.

The law is very clear on this point.

If the evidence shows that Jefferson
fired the gun that killed Desi Piscatella,

you must find her guilty.

Back in the group home,

we used to play this game
called Guess That Shit.

It's where you're not allowed
to say nothing,

but people gotta guess
what you pretending to be

from the way you pretending it.

When I got older, I found out
white people call it charades.

But we called it Guess That Shit,
because I act it out and you...

Guess that shit.

Exactly.

So I'm sitting in there and I'm...
I'm watching this prosecutor lady,

and it feel like
she playin' that same game.

Like, I'm watching her mouth move,
but ain't shit coming out.

And people nodding, man.

They nodding like they understand her.

I forgot to tell you.

Two of the girls
who were filing suit against MCC

say they were doing it because of you.

I'm gonna ask the reporter
to put it in the article.

If this...

If this don't go my way,

I ain't going back to Litchfield.

I ain't spending
the rest of my life in there.

Taystee, we shouldn't even be thinking
about that possibility.

Look, I got two options that could happen
when the jury comes back.

And I gotta think about both.
I got to prepare for both.

You understand that?

Mr. Caputo...

it's nice, what you trying to do and all,

but the jury ain't gonna see some article.

But they did see you.

They saw you take that stand and shine.

They saw the Taystee I know,
who wouldn't hurt anybody.

No.

Who inspired me,

'cause she wouldn't stop fighting
and scraping for justice.

No! No! No!

Were you paying attention?

There ain't no justice.

- Not for Poussey.
- And not for me.

Then what am I doing here, Taystee?

What have we been doing this whole time?

Charades.

Come on, Diaz.

What... What's up?

Come on. You're late for visitation.

Oh, shit.

Yo. What's poppin', lady?

"What's poppin'"?
Where's my fucking apology?

You had me waiting in that smelly-ass
waiting room for an extra 20 minutes.

Little kids farting around me and shit.

Like I don't smell enough farts.

I'm sorry.

- Yo. That was funny.
- Yo, I wanted to tell you...

- I was just saying it was funny.
- I came up here to...

You know what? What? Go ahead.

No, I was just saying that it was funny,

what you said about the kids
farting and shit.

Will you just shut the fuck up and listen?

God.

I came to tell you...

that the shit's good with the Nutri Herbal
situation we got going on.

With the shit we bringin' in,

I should be able to get the kids back
in a couple of months.

Dope. I love kids.

What the hell are you talking about?
Nobody loves kids.

I just don't want them
in that moldy-ass foster home.

Yo, I was watching this Channel 7
news report

about how mold could be the silent...

killer.

- Everything good over there?
- Yeah. Everything's good.

- Everything's all right.
- Yeah.

It's all good.

Yeah, we're good.

I forgot what we was talking about.

I was asking you how you was doing.

Shit, you know. I'm always good.

Yeah, well, that hasn't always
been the case exactly with you.

You look pretty tired.

I just got a bunch of shit goin' on.

Yeah, then maybe you should go
and get some rest then.

I'll talk to you another day.

Right.

I'm gonna go get some rest.

Bye, Mom.

Yeah.

...attempting to contact you.

To accept this call, please press one.

Baby.

You don't know how much
I've missed your voice.

And your lips.

And that thing that you do
with your inside muscles.

Baby, are you sitting down?

Uh-huh.

I'm sitting in a leather chair,

and I'm strapped to it, so I can't move,

and my back is getting very sweaty...

No, are you actually sitting down?

No.

Sit. You're not going
to believe what I'm about to say.

It worked? You're pregnant!

No. Actually,
I got my period this morning.

But... we get to try again

in person!

Conjugal?

No, the other way we could have sex.

Anal?

You know, I've always wanted to try...

but that won't get you pregnant.

No.

I'm getting out.

Early release!

You have to
pick me up tomorrow.

Diablo?

Yes. I'm here.

Is this better than anal?

Yes, my love.

It's better than anal.

But I'd still like to try...

I know I've been MIA...

...and you hate when people bother you
on the toilet,

but I promise you'll think
this was worth it.

I can't come in for obvious reasons,

so you're gonna have to have
your mind blown from here.

I have something I need to tell you.

But hang on a second so you can
finish peeing and I can show you this.

I know it's not a lot, and we still
have to find a way to grind them,

but this is real coffee.

Not that instant shit from commissary.

I think they might even be single origin.

I'm getting out of prison tomorrow.

What are you talking about?

I thought when they came
to pick me up this morning,

Badison might have given me extra time,

but it turns out I got early release.

When?

Tomorrow.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.
You said that.

- That's great.
- Is it?

I thought that we were gonna have
five more months together.

I thought that... we were gonna get...
prison married,

with all of our friends.

And have a honeymoon in a utility closet
or something.

So now we'll get real-world married,

and we'll have a honeymoon
in Fiji or Iceland,

or somewhere else
we can have a miserable time.

Like normal people.

I hate normal people.

Think about it. You're able to pee alone
with no one bothering you.

And you're not gonna...

You're not gonna need these.

You're gonna be able to drink
all the single-origin coffee you want.

You're gonna be able to pee alone

and drink single-origin coffee
at the same time if you want.

I know I should be happy.

But I'm scared.

I don't wanna leave you.

Trust me. This is a good thing.

You're getting out of prison.

Now fucking hug me already.

Just don't fuck it up like I did.

Bésame mucho, mami.

Don't give me that shit right now.
I'm not in the mood.

What's up?

I went up to the prison today
to visit Daya.

And she was all giggly and laughing
and shit.

Sounds good.

But then she got all sleepy.

Isn't Daya always sleepy?

You remember Snuffleupagus
from Sesame Street?

Shut the fuck up and let me finish.

She fell asleep
in the middle of us talking.

And her eyes was all fucked up.

She was high.

- Oh.
- Oh?

My daughter's a fucking junkie
and all you got to say is, "Oh?"

What do you want me to say?

You knew she was getting high, didn't you?

Coming in here all "bésame mucho,"

while my daughter's pouring fucking heroin
down her throat!

I thought you knew.

We're bringing heroin
into the prison and giving it to her.

To distribute! To other people!

A Latin mother would never sell drugs
to her own kids!

Okay. I... I'm sorry,
I'm still learning the culture.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me.

We don't have to keep doing this.

I mean, it's not like
it's some big operation.

It's just me walking through security
with a tub.

I got inmates threatening me.
I mean, it's a dirty, illegal operation

that could end really badly.

Let's just stop.

And then what?

I don't get my kids back and somebody else
is bringing drugs in for her to get high.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying I want my kids back.

I still got a chance to save them.

Hi.

I also have a very narrow pelvis.

And that's why
I never had sex with a black guy.

You would be surprised
what the human body can accommodate.

Hey, uh, Lorna. Sorry to interrupt.
Can I talk to you for a second, alone?

Anything you have to say to her,
you can say in front of me, eh?

And that is my impression
of my first husband.

Oh, my goodness. So funny.

You never know what you're gonna get
with this one.

I mean, she's a real wildcard.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

So, uh, I got a message
last night from this book,

and something fucking bonkers
is gonna happen today.

No kidding. I've been up all night
practicing my fake labor pains.

You want to see it? Okay. Ready?

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuckity, fuck, fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

You know this is basically
just your O face, right?

Trust me, doll. I've seen it enough times.
It's seared into my cerebellum.

But this ain't kickball related. Come on.

We need to get some supplies.

It's our last day together.

What could be more important
than some TLC? Some QT?

STFUP.

Oh. P is for Piper.

Okay, look. Trust me.

This is way better than coffee beans,
all right?

We got to be quiet because

I don't want spend your last day here
in Ad Seg.

We're supposed to be going to the salon.

- Oh, but we're not.
- No. No, we're not.

What is he doing?

I think he's singing the "Thong Song,"

but only one line of it
over and over again.

But why?

Well, uh, either he really likes
pop singles from the early 2000s

or he really likes booty.

My money is on the booty.

Nicky! Oh!

Surprise!

I can't believe you were gonna ditch
all us poor losers without saying goodbye.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Lorna!

You're so pregnant.

Seven months! I think it's a boy.

I've been craving salt,
and my hair is very lustrous. Feel.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, Chapman.

Now, this could be the last time
you feel my hair.

I'm gonna miss you.

All right, then. You got... 20 minutes.

Oh, uh, congratulations.
I'm happy for you both.

I cannot believe that you did all of this.

Like you would have let me live it down
if we didn't get prison married.

Shall we proceed?

Tempus fugit.

Marriage...

No, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Um, yeah.

We are gathered here today
to celebrate the...

Oh, oh, no, no. Wait, wait! Sorry.

You got to guess what I have.

It's tucked inside my titties.

It's old, new, borrowed and blue.

Luschek's testicles.

No, those aren't new.

Ah.

Okay, so it is an old toothbrush

that is a new shiv

that I borrowed from Adeola,
that happens to be blue.

Why don't you just give that to me?

I do not want this thing
anywhere near the fetus.

- Hmm.
- Now, where were we?

We are gathered here today,

standing under this janky wedding awning,

because you two crazy kids
want to get married.

In the confines of this shithole,

somehow, you two managed to...
to find each other again,

to forgive each other,

to love each other.

And I am honored just to be a part of it,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, amen.

So now, maybe it's time for the vows?

Or hugs?

- Okay. Piper...
- You wrote vows?

Hang on. It's just because
I'm not good at this.

And I didn't want to, like,
ruin the surprise.

Okay.

It's hard to know what promise
I can make to you

that won't sound like a bunch of clichés
that people say at weddings.

So, I wanted to make a promise
that fits us,

considering the distance
that we covered to get here

and how far we'll have to go
before we can be together again.

But to do that,

I have to talk about something
that's uncomfortable to bring up.

There was a time when I hurt you.

And I did something unforgivable.

And I don't think that I can express,
in words,

the guilt and regret that I feel

for having done that, um, to you,

the person that I care about most.

So, my promise is
to make it up to you every day.

In small, quiet ways.

For the rest of our life together.

Hey, hey, hey.

I didn't say you could kiss the bride yet.

No, no, no, no. No, no.
Let them kiss, you monster.

Okay. So is it my... It's my turn?

The floor is yours.

I really wish I'd had some time
to prepare. This is so unfair.

When I was a little girl,
I used to think...

Nope. No. No, no. Okay. Here we go.

Okay.

Life comes in moments...

Al, I don't even know what that means.

- It's fine. Just... Okay. It's me, right?
- Mmm-hmm.

So, what do you want to say to me?

I want you to promise me

that you'll get out of here.

I need you.

You're my partner.

Get out of here
as soon as you possibly can

so that I can be with you.

Do you promise me that you'll do that?

I will.

Though that's not really a vow.
It's more of a demand.

Okay.

Then my vow is to wait for you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't kiss again yet.
Lorna, the rings.

Oh, shit, yo.

Yo. Is this a wedding? Mazel tov!

Our little Chapman is getting sprung
from this joint today,

so we thought we'd do something special.

How about that?

Damn. You gonna be out
walking around and shit.

How do you feel?

I don't know how I feel.

I feel weird.

I keep thinking about everything
I'm gonna be missing out on.

How stupid is that?

Pretty fuckin' stupid.

Whoo!

Oh, congratulations.

- All right.
- Oh, my bad. My bad. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

- Uh, shall we exchange the rings?
- Yeah.

Alex, place this ring
at the tip of Piper's finger.

Do you, Piper, accept
this key ring from Luschek's key chain

he was using to hold
a Duane Reade savings card

as a token of Alex's eternal appreciation
and love?

I do.

Then, Alex,
please slide that fucker on there.

A-ha.

Thank you.

Piper, will you place this ring
at the tip of Alex's finger?

Do you, Alex, accept
this contraband paperclip

we found in the law library
in a book about the landmark case

Bottoms v. Bottoms,
which sounds fascinating,

as a token of Piper's eternal appreciation
and love?

I do.

Well, then slide that fucker on there.

And now, by the power vested in me
by some website I forget the name of,

and the Federal Department of Corrections,

I now pronounce you prison married.

And you may kiss the bride.

And you may kiss the bride.

Oh, honey.

- Red would've loved this.
- I know, kid.

- I wish she could be here.
- Me, too.

But you cannot be in two places at once,
now, can ya?

At least that's what my middle son's dad
used to always say

- when he wasn't...
- Shut the fuck up, Cathy!

- ...drinking himself into forever sleep.
- Quiet, bitch!

You are listening to WSHU,

- solitary's finest radio broadcast.
- Jesus fucking Christ!

Sounds like the people have spoken.
You might wanna zip it.

Uh...

Attagirl.

Thank fucking God.

Hey.

So, how was your day?

Okay, so you can hear me?

Okay, listen.
Uh, I hate that you're in here.

I hate that I'm in here.
I fucking miss camp.

It sucks stubble-covered itchy balls here.

I want to go back to when people
didn't give a shit about what I did.

Teaching electrical.

Rolling jays on the outdoor tables.

This place is... harsh.

Now I'm exercising all the time...

Boo-fucking-hoo.

You think it's hard for you in here?

Playing games.
Having girls shiv each other.

How many points did you get
when I got dragged into SHU?

I actually don't have you.

Also, I'd appreciate it
if you didn't tell anyone about...

Who the fuck am I gonna tell
in here, Luschek?

I can't believe that I thought
that you would do something.

There's gonna be a bloodbath out there
and it's all on you.

A bloodbath? Come on.

It's gonna be some hair pulling.
A few fights.

Don't play stupid.

You probably brought in
the fucking razor blades.

I don't know anything about
people bringing weapons...

Well, now you know.

But you still not gonna do nothing, right?

Uh-huh.

That's what I thought.

Get your fucking face away from here.

I don't wanna fucking see it no more.

You know,
he did get one thing right.

Yeah?

What's that, Red?

This place sucks balls.

You think?

Camp was 20 times better.

Even with you burning rice in the kitchen.

Come on. It's time.

How are you? You okay?

Look at me.
We need to stay positive, okay?

Please be seated.

I've been informed
that the jury has reached a verdict.

Let's have the jury return.

All rise for the jury.

Please be seated.

Let the record reflect,
all jurors present,

all attorneys present.

Will the defendant and counsel
please rise?

Madam Foreperson,
has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

As to charge of murder in
the second degree, what is your verdict?

We the jury,
find the defendant, Tasha Jefferson...

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

- What do you want?
- I know what you did.

I know you lied,
and that girl went down for your shit!

You think I'm gonna
let you get away with that?

Fuck you.

I just think prison weddings are
so much better than regular weddings

'cause our lives are sadder.
We need it more.

When Vinnie and me got married,

I maybe went a whole week before

I remembered I was in here
against my will.

You do realize that the wedding you just
attended was a C-Block wedding, right?

No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was.

Piper and Alex are C-Block.

Yeah, but they didn't choose to be.

Right. Right, right, right.
Just like everyone else in C-Block.

I mean, just like you and me
didn't choose to be D-Block.

But... what is your point?

'Cause I feel like you're saying a lot
of words to confuse me right now.

My point is that it is stupid
to go to war with people

just because of whatever fucking
cell block they randomly got assigned to,

or the stupid fucking color
that they wear.

Well... But they're trying to attack us.

Nicky, we have to fight back.
We're in danger.

But what if they're just attacking us
because they think we're attacking them?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

No, no. No, we can't go out there, Nicky.

Jesus fucking Christ, thank you!

I was worried for a minute there,

but I knew a wedding could turn you.

- D-Block!
- Shit.

- Where are we going?
- Away from them.

You got one minute, Chapman.

You have Cal's cell and my parents' phone.

Make sure you put this on your call list
as soon as you can.

No, I'm not gonna wait to talk to you.

I'll get my hands on one of
the cell phones floating around.

No. No, Alex, you're not gonna do that.

If you do that, you'll get shots,
which means extra time,

which means it's gonna be even longer
before I can... touch you again.

All right, ladies and garbage!
Line up for kickball!

Yo, I heard him use that line before.

Maybe it's like a catchphrase.

Yo, Captain. You coming to the field?

No. I'm getting out.

- I see you.
- Shit, congrats.

- Can I get your conditioner?
- No.

I bequeath all of my belongings
to my next of kin.

Damn. After all that,
can't believe you're gonna miss kickball.

It's probably for the best.

What the fuck, Badison?

Carol says
she wants another soldier on the field,

so get in line and get ready to use this.

Happy release day, Gapman!

I would've got you something, but, uh,

you're a stupid bitch
who I never liked.

Chapman, time's up!

What was that?

- Don't worry about it.
- About what?

Chapman, do you want to leave
this place or not? Let's go!

Okay, I love you and I'm gonna miss
that worried look on your face,

but right now, I need you to trust that
you do not need to worry about me.

Chapman, I am happy to tell
the parole board

- that you resisted orders.
- I trust you.

- I love you.
- Going once...

- Going twice...
- Coming!

Fuck!

All right. File out.

Psst. Gringuita, you still ain't realized?

This is the best day of your life.

How you holding up, kid?

With all the running
and the hiding in the small spaces,

Little Carmine's going crazy.

- Carmine, huh?
- Yeah.

Just tell Carmine to chill.

We're hangin' tight. It's all good.

All good.

Be cool.

- I'm so sorry.
- Who's there?

Don't go.

Hey, Annalisa!

Fancy meeting you here.

Ain't you supposed to be
on the kickball field?

Picking up a weapon I stashed.
What the fuck were you doing in there?

Would you believe I was doing
the exact same thing?

I mean, great minds, huh?

I'm sick of your shit, Nichols.

If you were picking up a weapon,
where the fuck is it?

You wanna see a proof of purchase?

We should get going.

Oh, yeah, big time.

You wouldn't wanna be tardy
to the murdering.

Hurry up, let's go.

Fuck! No, no, no. Baby, not now!

What took you so long?

It's clean. There's no reason
it wouldn't be clean.

Everything go smoothly on your end?

My girls are primed. Yours?

They're soldiers.
They'll do what they're trained to do.

Meaning?

Meaning, in a few minutes,
when the carnage starts,

there'll be a shit ton
of Florida kickball fans

getting rushed from the bleachers
back to their cell block.

And when they come down this hall,

we're gonna slide
right into B-Block with 'em.

Do what we should've done 25 years ago.

I hope that thing's sharp.

Sharp enough to slice that octopus tattoo
right off Frieda's neck.

Good. You know, and if it's not...

I brought extra.

Yeah.

Even though I couldn't
figure out if Taystee was mad at me,

but I don't think she is,
because if she were mad at me,

I would know,
because we're basically 16th cousins...

- Yo, Suzanne...
- It worked.

What the...

Suzanne, we're lining up for kickball.
Let's go.

Oh. Someone tried to murder Frieda,
so we're staying in.

- Safety first.
- It's the championships.

How will we win without our best player?

I don't know. I guess you'll lose?

Come on, we're going outside.
We finally get to go outside

and look at the clouds
and the trees and all that shit.

I want to go outside and see that stuff,

but I can't go.

Why not?

I just can't. Nothing I can do about it.

Suzanne, you should go.

You don't have to be stuck in here
with me.

Go outside and look at the sky.

Mmm.

Are you gonna go, too?

We could bodyguard you from there.

Shit, yeah! There's gonna be
all these old bitches from Florida.

They'll be spectating.
Come watch with them.

Nah, kid. That's all you.

I'm an old dog. Can't change my ways.

That's how I stay safe.

Well, then, I'm not going either.

No. You're going outside.

No, I am not going to leave you, Frieda.

I am your friend,

and friends aren't supposed to do that
to each other.

Go. I'm not your friend.

What?

No, she didn't mean that.

You didn't fucking mean that.

And you better fucking tell her
you didn't mean that. Tell her.

Suzanne, sometimes people
pretend to be your friend

when they're not your friend.
To get things.

You aren't pretending. You are my friend.

I'm not your friend.

I've been using you for survival.

That's what I do.
It's what I've always done.

That's how I like it.

Yo, check it out.

- I can't believe I really hit it!
- What the fuck is wrong with you?

What? I was just trying
to clear the field.

Ay, mami.

- Are you okay, mami?
- You okay?

Yeah.

Yo, here they come!

Chill. Not yet.

Damn, it is kinda idyllic
out on this bitch, though.

Eyes on the fucking prize, ladies.

Why's everyone so fuckin' tight?

This outside shit
ain't gonna last forever.

And they'll be sad when it's done.
'Cause I sure fuckin' was.

Well, maybe they're
a bunch of fuckin' dummies.

That's right, Suzanne.
Maybe they are a bunch of fuckin' dummies.

Nah, this ain't me.

What are you doing?

- Um, I need your help.
- You what?

I'm asking you
to let the captains pick new teams.

Get back on the field, inmate.

I can't explain it fully.

But if you don't want this game to end
in a lot of people getting hurt,

I need you
to let the captains pick new teams.

- Is that a threat?
- No, no.

I'm just asking for your help.

You think I don't remember you?

I remember what you did to us.

Yeah, I... I know what I did.

I was an evil person, but...

But right now, in this moment,
I'm trying to be good. Please.

Everything is trying to keep these girls
swinging at each other,

and I just want...

I just want to play kickball.

Why should I trust you?

I don't know.

Where's your captain? Chapman?

- Chapman got out today.
- Oh, shit. Good for her.

What? She's the reason we're out here.

- Looks like, uh...
- I'm the captain now.

I see you look at me. Eyelooker.

Okay, everybody, line up.
The captains have to pick new teams.

Oh, no, no, no. We got our teams.

C-Block's our team!

D-Block's the only team
I'm gonna play for!

You heard her.

This is, uh, prison kickball policy.

On the baseline
or everybody goes back inside.

- Oh, fucking bullshit!
- Captains, with me.

What the fuck is Ruiz doing?
Barb's gonna be pissed.

Well, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I don't see Barb out here, do you?

That doesn't change shit.

Okay, you go first.

- Who, me? Oh, okay.
- I got Brock.

Yeah.

You, I got you.

Okay, I got Akers, Creech,
Chambal, Diamond...

One at a time.

You, I got you.

Yo, where's Carol at?

I don't fucking know. Doesn't matter.
We stick to the plan.

Mixing up teams ain't gonna do shit.

These colors don't run.

No fucking way.

Come on!

Oh, my, Maya!

I will be with you in just one moment.

What the fuck do you think
you're doing here, huh?

And why do you look like a POW?

Actually, don't answer that question
because I don't want to know.

I'm not gonna let you ruin this moment
for me. I have worked too hard.

Oh, God.
Nicolette was totally right about you.

You are textbook avoidant-attachment.

There's a guy at Michael Kors corporate...

- Fig!
- Oh!

Oh, my God! Security!

Uh, Joe, this is Jason.

Jason, this is an early hominid male.

Oh. So, this is Mr. Fig.

- Mr. Fig.
- Hello.

Mr. State Senate Fig.

Where's Gavin?

- Okay, then. Let's go.
- Whoa!

What are you doing here?

I don't know.

I knew you'd be here.

- Taystee, uh...
- I know.

I saw. I'm sorry.

Put this on your eye.

Come on. Let's go.

So, uh, you're hanging out
with Jason again, huh?

That's just for show.

I'm not in there with him, am I?

I'm sure I speak for everyone at PolyCon

when I say it has been a long road...

You're missing your event.

But here we are!

I know.

So, you finally bought the coat, huh?

Shut up, Joe.

We're back with your girl, DIY Fly Flaca,

and your other girl...

Hi, everybody, it's Tova again.

So, I don't really know much
what's going on on the field,

but the team that's far away

is looking extra cute
with those jackets inside-out.

New winter fashion trend?

Yo, I'm sorry. I... I can't be...

Yo. Yo! You gotta stop this shit.

You need to forgive yourself
for testifying against your girl.

You know about that?

Bitch, I've been knowin'.

Ever since you wigged out
about that anonymous letter.

I may sound kinda dumb,
but my dumbness is highly cultivated

to make me more attractive
to insecure men.

- So you done with me?
- Did I say that?

Some of these girls are out there
on the field doing nothing.

Now, I'm no expert,

but I have to assume
that's a big disadvantage.

You talking about outfielders

and that's their job.

They wait. They're waiters.

Like they bring you salad and shit?

Oh, oh, oh!

We got one runner on a base
and Adeola is up for the kick.

All right, now.
You waiters out there in the outfield,

y'all better do y'all jobs

and watch out for them pop flies
in the soup.

Why you letting these bum-ass
D-Block bitches go first?

We don't even know if they can kick.

Because we're not here
to play fucking kickball.

We're here to slice some bitches up.

The plan's still the same. Okay?

When the next kicker's up,

I'll throw the shocker for Trekkies
to our girls in the outfield,

and they'll start charging in.

You guys follow their lead.

Vause, you handle the girls on the bench,

so they don't attack us from behind.

What are we waiting for?

Where's your friend?
What's-her-name.

Pregnant girl. We need her
to distract the guards.

I thought she was with you.

I say we move without her.

All right.

Where's your shiv?

It's in my pocket.

I want to see it.

Good. Here we fuckin' go.

All right. That's my girl, Suzanne,
headed up the plate,

- with two runners on.
- Whoo-hoo!

Fuck it! Don't catch it!

I got it!

Dang.

I got it!

Steal! Go! Steal! Steal!

Come on! Come on! Give me! Give me!

Go, go, go!

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Run, run! Bring it home!

Don't cheer for them. They're D-Block!

Why are you still fighting? Look around.

Nobody wants this war. Not even Carol.

Shit. She's gonna make it.

The black one is always the first to die.

Damn, I got crazy good aim! Whoo!

Barb's gonna kill us if we don't rush
these C-Block bitches now!

Barb is not here. All right?

Let her be pissed. All right?

Maybe in the abstract,
D-Block has beef with C-Block,

but I don't have beef
with any of these girls. Do you?

What? We're down one-zip.

This is fucking weird if you ask me.

Something must have gone wrong out there.

Yeah?

You think so?

You got something to say to me, Barb?

Are you threatening me, Carol?

That depends what you got planned, Barb.
'Cause I'm here to kill Frieda.

Bullshit.

Bull-true.

C-Block cheering for D-Block? Shit.
There go our Fantasy points.

No.

Everybody knows you're a fucking liar.

Now move away from the door.

Call me a liar again, you two-faced bitch.

You stole that glass of ice story from me

and that makes you a fucking liar,

and I will call you one.

Now move away from the goddamn door.

Can't do that
until you put that shiv away.

And that glass of ice story
happened to me.

You probably don't remember
'cause you had so much cum on the brain

from all the blow jobs you were giving
in the bathroom.

Fucking liar!

Barbara! Carol!
Wanna hear something funny?

- Sure.
- Yeah, sure.

See that guy over there?

An hour ago, when this place was packed,
I pass by his table.

He asks me can he have a classifieds.

And I'm like, first of all,
he's sitting in Tonya's section.

Second of all, I got five tables of my own
I got to deal with.

And third of all, who says it like that?

Like, "Can I have a classifieds?"

But I'm trying to be a good Christian,

and I don't want to mess
with Tonya's tips,

so I go out to the sidewalk,

use a quarter of my own money,

buy this man a paper,

pick out the classifieds section,

and when I bring it to his table,
guess what he say?

- What?
- What?

He say, "Well, what's this?"

To which I reply,
"The classifieds you asked for."

To which he reply,
"I asked for a glass of ice."

That's a good... That's a good story.

That's double points
for murdered and murderer.

You just won Fantasy Inmate.

In your face!

- Here you go.
- Yeah.

- Here you go.
- Here you go.

Ooh, ooh!
Oh, we got one runner on the base!

Speaking of games,
this reminds me of Eric,

who told me he liked me
but couldn't date me

because he wasn't over his ex.

But then I found out he was
making out with some Asian girl

after football practice.

Can I get a nurse out here?

And to bring PolyCon forward
into that era,

I would like to announce our first step

into a new market
brimming with untapped potential.

Immigration detention centers!

Pipes.

- Pipes!
- Cal! Hi!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Neri doesn't like to be on her feet
too long with the...

So she's home making some kind
of Smitten Kitchen casserole

that involves chard.

Let's be cool and get the fuck outta here
before they change their minds.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Hang on just one second.
I'll be there in just one sec.

- Okay. Car's right over here.
- Okay.

So, what are you gonna do now?