All language subtitles for sdfgdinge (2020)

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‐ I'm not a chicken. You're a turkey.

This is your brain on drugs.

‐ You gotta say no.

America, the not‐so‐distant future.

The economy is failing.

A despondent society has turned
to self‐medication.

Road fatalities, crime,

public disturbance, voice theft

all at record highs.

‐ Just say no.

Something needed to be done.

Congress bravely votes to establish
a modern day Prohibition.

Zero tolerance policy was adopted.

Overnight, the use, sale,
and manufacturing of all alcohol

and narcotics of any kind became illegal.

Soon to emerge was
a better, sober America.

Inebriation, once viewed
as socially appropriate,

was now taboo,

with just one exception.

Once a year, the embargo is lifted.

Narcotics once confiscated by police
are distributed to the highest bidder.

For 12 hours every year,

US citizens 18 and up are legally allowed

to participate in bill A2904,

known colloquially as simply

"The Binge."

God bless America.

Studies show that providing this outlet

to the populace just once a year
would combat their urge

to indulge thereafter.

In fact only 23 percent of citizens
attempt a second binge.

For a third, this number plummets
to just six percent.

Psychologists predict this mechanism
may annihilate

all clinical addiction by 2055.

Whether or not you choose to participate

or are merely an innocent bystander,

no one is left unaffected by The Binge.

‐ Good morning, American High.

Flaming Eagles, I can't hear you!

As I said Flaming Eagles,
I can't hear you!

For you seniors that are 18,
in T minus nine hours,

you will be able to participate
in your very first Binge!

‐ We're gonna get so fucked tonight!

‐ Hags, you really gotta calm down, man,
you're gonna pull something.

‐ Guys, I only got two hobbies.
Only two things I really spend my time on.

That's my woodworking, my elves,
and that's making hummus.

And the other thing I do is protect
the reputation of American High.

‐ My mom told me she used
to drink wine from a box

on the way home from work in college.

‐ Ugh! We were born, like, way too late.

‐ I can't control what you do out there,

but I can make a suggestion

as a concerned citizen and a mentor

and give you some pretty good reasons
why we don't want you to Binge.

‐ We've been prepping for this night
our entire lives.

‐ I would fucking murder anyone
who gets in our way.

‐ Now unfortunately for those of you
that do decide to Binge tonight,

all the regular laws,
well, those are still in place,

and breaking those laws have consequences.

‐ Yeah, consequences like you playing
penis Jenga with his daughter!

‐ Will you be quiet?
Lena almost heard you say penis Jenga.

‐ Oh, I'm sorry, Lena almost heard me
say penis Jenga!

‐ Hi, Lena.

‐ See, bro, you gotta get her attention!
‐ I know.

‐ I'm working on it. You just‐‐
You gotta let me do it my way, you know.

‐ By writing a confusing sonnet?

‐ It's not a sonnet,
it's a series of haikus,

and I'm asking her to prom today.

‐ Yeah, okay, you've been saying that
every day for the past five months.

Well, tonight we Binge.

I'm gonna get you drunk enough
to finally make your move.

‐ Yeah, except there's no way
Lena's Binge‐ing,

and if Carlsen found out I binged,
that'll be it.

He would never let me near Lena again.

‐ You know, Amy Bagman thought
it was rite of passage.

She binged.

And then a couple of uppers and downers
and siders into it

she found herself on a private jet
with 12 "Saudi princes."

Never to be heard from again.

‐ Oh shit!
‐ Now, is she alive today?

Is she dead?
Is she even worse off than that?

Even her family can't answer
that question.

Sad.

‐ That's really what you want?

‐ To be on a private jet?
Abso‐fucking‐lutely!

One day, you'll have no one.

All you'll have left is the memories.

So you gotta make your life matter.

Let me assure you, I will spend‐‐

‐ Nothing matters.

Then there was Allen Reed
who was excited

about getting accepted into Stanford

until he was caught doing
the Brazilian tuck

outside a TJ MAXX.

Yeah, laugh it up. It's fun, right?

Maybe your name's Kimberly Jones?

‐ Oh! There's my setup.

‐ Please don't say "I'll have
what she's having." Don't say that.

‐ I have to say it,
because it's hilarious.

‐ It's not hilarious‐‐

‐ It is hilarious, brother.
We went over this, okay.

Make everyone in the assembly laugh,

then we win the Gauntlet tonight
at the Library Party.

‐ You fellas need wristbands
for the Library Party tonight?

‐ We got some.

But the jet‐ski was still attached
to the dock, and it never took off.

And then eventually
it exploded into flames.

Now, Kimberly Jones is here tonight.

Can you guys guess which one she is?

I'll give you a hint. You're cold, cold.

Getting warmer, getting warmer, red hot.

Burning hot. That's Kimberly Jones.

Wrapped up like a mummy because
she's ashamed of the way she looks.

She works here at the high school.

She makes the butterscotch pudding,
and she does a wonderful job.

We're proud of you, Kim.

And she's never really
allowed up before lunch

because again, she's disgusting
and revolting to look at,

and it'll make your stomach churn
and make you unable to eat.

And on that note,
please stop emailing me, Kim,

about the Fantas in the mini‐fridge.

I'm gonna explode.
I've said it to you six times.

I wanna treat you like a lady today,
in front of everybody.

'Cause you are one.

I'd like to see everyone here go on
and have a bright future

and not end up...
like some of the people that we've seen

in front of us here today.

I'll have what she's having!

What?

‐ You'll have what who's having?

‐ Fucking dork.

‐ You'll have what
this burn victim's having?

Are you drawing attention
to the burn victim?

Kimberly Jones, who was tweaking

and got burned from her face to her feet?

And how do you think it makes
a burn victim feel

when you single 'em out
in front of everybody?

Kim, how's it make you feel?

Does it make you this?
Does it make you happy?

Right? Or does it make you this?

I feel sad too.

I feel sad for Kim.

Sit down. You got
30 minute detention on Tuesday.

You're gonna learn some empathy.
I'm gonna have you read

about circus freaks, deformed people,

and people with the kind of burns
that she has, how repulsive it is,

- and how hard it is to live with it.
- Oh my god.

‐ You'll get 'em next time, buddy.
‐ Oh my god.

‐ Any questions?

Can I get a cawww!

Caw!

‐ Can I get a cawww!

Cawww!

‐ Let's go learn.

‐ My uncle said his friend would do,
like, a handstand

on a barrel of beer until he choked.

‐ Yeah. It's called a keg stand.

What's a keg?

‐ Man, did I misread the room.

‐ Oh, I thought it was funny.

‐ Thank you, Andrew,
but I don't need your sympathies.

I was just rejected by my peers,
and I'm in a bit of a fragile state.

I heard if you do Molly
and drink a Mountain Dew,

you start to see the future,
but it doesn't even pertain to you at all.

‐ Really?
‐ Yeah.

‐ My older cousin saw
some random dude in Wisconsin's future.

‐ Other Man's Future Syndrome. Sick.

‐ I don't know, man. I worked
really hard to get into Brown.

‐ Man, fuck college! What is this,
the '90s? We have the internet.

‐ Even if I wanted to go,
our parents will never let us

skip out on their tradition.

‐ Look, Griffin.
I love our parents, right. I do.

But I'm not spending another Binge

at "Soda‐Pop Game Night"
doing the Root Beer Goat.

I won't do it.

‐ What are you wearing?
You look like my bubbe's couch.

‐ Okay, see, you know nothing
about style, right.

You don't. Which is why I took the liberty

of getting you
your very first Gauntlet outfit.

Here we go.

Overalls, baby. Happy Binge, pal!

‐ FBF?
‐ Mm‐hmm.

First Binge forever!

‐ Hags, I'm not Binge‐ing, man.
I'm definitely not wearing overalls.

Please take them back. Please.
‐ Okay, see, you are Binge‐ing,

and overalls are chick magnets, man.

They say if you keep it tight up top,

below the waist, it's anyone's guess.

‐ Who says that?
Who says that about overalls?

‐ I do. And Lena's gonna love 'em!

‐ I heard if you eat mushrooms
and sacrifice an animal,

your entire world turns into a musical.

‐ There's no way that's true, Kathleen.

‐ Is that how you wanna end up?

Hey hey, ho ho‐‐

Hell yeah, man, we can beat that.

When we win the Gauntlet tonight,
I want our names to be etched in stone.

‐ Will you put that away?

Principal Carlsen's gonna see it,
and there goes any shot I had with Lena.

‐ Who gives a fuck, Griffin?

You think he'd want some scared kiss‐ass

who volunteers to clean up shits
in the chem lab date his daughter?

No! He wants a man!

Come on now.
Gotta you show you the closer.

‐ The closer?

‐ So you know my senior shop project
I told you I was working on?

‐ Yeah, man, the one you had
the GoFundMe for

when you were building
the reusable hydration systems

for third world countries.

I was really proud of you for doing that.

‐ Yeah, man, fuck hydration. I lied.
I put that money to much better use.

‐ I donated $75.

‐ Griffin, I give to you the most
important invention since the toilet,

The BoozeCycle!

‐ Whoa, man. You built this?
‐ Yeah, man.

‐ This is awesome.

‐ Isn't it great?

‐ Imagine if you put your mind
to something useful.

‐ Useful? This is the most
useful thing I've ever done.

Is it a car? Kind of.

Is it a bicycle? Almost.

Griffin, this thing fucks!

‐ I mean, it does. It's really cool.

It's just, how would we even pedal it
with two people? There's ten seats.

‐ Hey, why you gotta be so negative, bro?

‐ And El Pantera, that's just a myth.
Like Santa Claus.

You know what , man. I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be a Debbie downer.

I'm just‐‐ I'm nervous, you know.
Aren't you scared? Like, at all?

‐ Scared of what? Becoming a legend?

‐ No, of just‐‐ I don't know. Everything.

Lena, Carlsen, alcohol poisoning,

our lives turning into a musical.

That sounds terrible.

‐ Griffin, we'll be fine. I'll be
with you every step of the way.

‐ That's what I'm scared about.

‐ Ha ha. Oh, okay, you make jokes,

but you don't realize that
I'm a human, with emotion,

and it hurts my feelings.

‐ I love you, okay. I really do.

And I appreciate you
getting me a wristband

and stealing from all those people
who desperately need clean water

to build a BoozeCycle‐‐

‐ Which is awesome.
‐ It is,

but I'm just gonna stick to tradition,

do Root Beer Goat‐Night with our parents,
and wake up tomorrow

to continue my extended reign
as mayor of Virgin City.

‐ Good to know, Mr. Mayor!

‐ Lena! Hey.

‐ Lena, please don't call him Mr. Mayor.

Mr. Mayor is his father.

I like to refer to my brother here
as Babe: Pig In The City.

‐ Hmm. ‐ Because he's got
the thickest hog in the game.

‐ That's not‐‐

‐ I've never once heard anyone
refer to him as Babe,

and I've known him since preschool.

‐ That's 'cause they whisper it to him.
‐ They don't do that.

They don't whisper anything.

‐ So, you whisper "Babe"
into Griffin's ear

because he has
the thickest hog in the game?

‐ Okay, Lena. This is weird now.
Right? So I'm gonna go.

Lena. Babe.

‐ I have a normal‐sized hog,

probably no different than the next one.

Not that I've seen,

uh, but naturally you do find yourself
in positions where you see other hogs

and in those situations, I found that...

my hog is...

comparable, if not the same

in thickness to those‐‐

‐ That's good to know.

Um... so are you gonna Binge?

‐ After your dad's speech?

You'd have to be a certified dip‐shit
to go out tonight.

‐ Well, I guess I'm the mayor
of Dip‐Shit City

'cause I'm seriously thinking about it.

‐ Me too, by the way.

I was completely joking before
about the dip‐shit thing. That's‐‐

But, um...

‐ Griff, is everything okay?

‐ It is. Uh‐‐

You know how our moms used
to go to Zumba class together?

‐ Yeah! Yeah, we used to play
fake house in the kid's room.

To this day, no one makes
fake French toast as good as you.

‐ And no one did our fake taxes for
our fake mortgage better than you, so‐‐

‐ And now we're fake home owners!

‐ That fake debt collector
won't stop hounding me!

Um, anyways, I was just thinking how

we've always been in each other's lives.

‐ Yeah.
‐ And, um,

Lena, I was wondering if‐‐

‐ Oh my god!

What is this?

"This promposal you can't ignore,

"because there's still so much more.

"Let's laugh and be merry,
because the next clue you'll find

"at the Carnegie Library!

Here's hoping you will attend,
and while you're at it, bring a friend!"

Holy shit!

Griffin, did you do this?

‐ Um‐‐

‐ Are you kidding me? Oh my god!

When did this happen
and why didn't you tell me?

‐ No, no, no, it is happening right now.
You are witnessing it.

‐ This is awesome.
‐ Who do you think did it?

‐ I don't know! Um, Max Keiser?

‐ Maybe it was Ian Greenstein?

‐ Ian Greenstein? Yeah, he‐‐

He liked your tweet 18 months ago
like a total creep.

I bet it's Ian Greenstein.
‐ So many guys!

‐ I know!
‐ Exciting.

‐ Holy shit! This is huge. They sold out
for this, like, six months ago.

‐ Griffin, would you be
the ultimate friend and take a pic?

‐ Totally.
‐ Thank you!

‐ Yeah, I can do that.
‐ Thank you!

‐ Say "Ian Greenstein.'

Ian Greenstein!

‐ You guys are gonna really like that.

‐ Thank you so much.
‐ Of course.

‐ So that's‐‐ So‐‐
‐ Okay, bye, Griffin.

Who do you think did this?

The package
is basically fully stocked

with, like, colorful frozen drinks
and tiny umbrellas.

‐ I fucking love tiny umbrellas.

Do you think pink drinks, too, because

my grandmother's seen
this show, it's called Sex and the City,

and they would just drink pink alcohol
and have meaningless sex

with strangers of foreign descent.

‐ I would do disgusting things
to a foreign guy tonight.

‐ Hmm.
‐ I'm talking full spit roast.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

‐ Hags, what the hell is wrong with you?

‐ I'm so sorry, I just dropped my passport
somewhere around here earlier today.

I'm just trying to get right back
to the motherland right after I graduate.

What?

‐ Oh, my homeland.

You know I'm
a hundred percent foreign, right?

Like, from another place.

Ha ha. Anyhoo, will I be seeing
you ladies at the Library Party tonight?

‐ You're going to the Library Party?

‐ Hell yeah I'm going
to the Library Party.

And I'm hoping that you'll check me out.

‐ For what purpose?
‐ Excuse me.

‐ Uh, isn't that a saying?

‐ No, it's not.
Words have consequences, Hags.

‐ Okay, that's what it is.
It's the language barrier thing.

That's what... that's what it was.

Because I'm from another place.
I'm fully foreign.

‐ Have you ever even been on a plane?

‐ Hell yeah I've been on a plane.

Ha ha. Of course.

I'm actually a current cardholder
of the mile high club.

‐ Oh yeah?
‐ And the big dick club.

‐ Really?
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Well, why don't you whip it out
and show us?

‐ Mmm. You see, I would,

but they keep the band room real cold.

It's not really a accurate depiction
of my genitalia.

Hmm.

‐ That's what I thought.

Virgin.

This is dry.
‐ Okay.

Chad, how are we?

Kurt, how come I never see you
with your shorts off?

‐ Seem a little locker room shy.
S‐‐ Sir‐‐

‐ Wanna see how a man walks around
the locker room?

Um‐‐
Wanna take a look at it?

I'll pull my pants down, I'll go take
a shit, I'll get in the shower.

You wanna watch it?

Whatever it is, get comfortable with it.
It ain't going away.

Let's get behind those ears,
okay, Bennett?

Yes, sir. ‐ That's where
the germs live and they reproduce.

‐ Got it.
‐ Don't be a pussy.

Chin up. Griffin, my man, how are you?

‐ How's it going, Principal Carlsen?

‐ Well, I'm always a little bit on edge
when it comes to Binge night,

people get pushed to their moral limits.
‐ Me too.

I, I can't believe people Binge.

‐ One shake and you're done, Tommy!

No one wants to watch
your dickplay in here.

At your age, you're a hair‐trigger.
You're liable to blow all over the place.

Have a story about you for the rest
of your life. You want that?

Put the dick down.

Okay.

‐ You know, Griffin, uh, Lena says
some really nice things about you.

‐ She does?

‐ Yeah. She says that you're nice,
that you work hard,

that you have
pretty terrific table manners.

You know, I'll tell you, Griff,

I'm pretty okay
with... my daughter being friends

with a nice Brown man.

Let me walk that back just a little bit.

That's not the kind of quote
that you want taken out of context.

Congratulations on getting into
a great university, Brown.

‐ Thank you, sir. And thank you again
for making that call to Dean Eckhouse.

It really made all the difference.

‐ Well, Griff, you know,
when you have a history of

recommending
outstanding guys, like yourself,

they tend to listen to you.

And by the same token, if you ask them
to rescind someone they're thinking about,

they go ahead and they listen loud
and clear on that as well.

Since we're talking
about scratching each other's backs,

I have just the smallest little itch

I was wondering if you could get
your fingernails on.

It's called where the fuck
is the party tonight?

Sarah Martin's "Dank‐Ass Pre‐Game"
is already on my radar.

I understand they're thinking
of smoking a little bit of pot.

Maybe some Lean? A little Purple Drank.

You know what I'm talking about?
‐ Oh, I do, but I wouldn't.

I personally wouldn't sniff glue
or drink Purple Drank

or just associate
with Sarah Martin at all.

‐ Well, that's good.

That bitch has chaotic energy.

She's like a scorpion in a toaster.

Anyway, the point is
if you hear of anything‐‐

‐ Of course.

‐ Fair?
‐ Totally fair.

‐ Fair?
‐ Fair. Very fair.

‐ The hell is‐‐

‐ Principal Carlsen, I‐‐ Um‐‐

It's a funny story, I‐‐ Uh‐‐

I‐‐ ‐ Oh.

Oh. Actually, Principal Carlsen,
that's not Griffin's.

No, see, I found that in the hallway,

and I gave it to Griffin
to hold onto it for me.

Yeah, I just had no idea what it was.

Could it be tickets
to a renaissance fair or...

a petting zoo.

Yeah.

‐ You gentlemen be safe tonight.

‐ Yes, sir.

‐ And Hags, do me a favor.

Try to find a nickname
that's a little bit more normal.

Something like Lucas or Quan.

I'll see you Tuesday? Thirty minutes?

Thank you, Quan. Griff.

David, thank your brother
for the meatloaf.

Yes, sir.

‐ Whoa, thank Christ.

‐ Oh, Griffin?
‐ Yup.

‐ You know, there's a prank turd
in the chemistry lab.

I was wondering if you could be an angel,
sweep in and scoop that up.

‐ I would love to do that.

‐ Thank you, Quan.

‐ Fuck! Quan?

Who the fuck is Quan?

And so it begins.

As school lets out, sirens pierce the air,

informing the civilian population
of what's to come.

For some, a warning.

To those not participating, to get home,

bunker down, and pray for safety.

For others, it's the sound of celebration,

excess, freedom.

Underground competitions
known as Gauntlets

capture the nation's attention.

Creating local legends in those who win

and lasting memories for all who compete.

Ten, nine

eight, seven, six,

five, four,

three, two, one!

Yahtzee!

Whoo!

Yeah.

‐ Oh. To our sixth Binge Night Game Night!

‐ Yep.
‐ What a great tradition!

‐ This is fun.

‐ It's just great being able to hang
with family on the night

when nobody else is doing
anything awesome.

‐ Oh, and we are just grateful
that you boys would rather‐‐

‐ Uh... men!
‐ Excuse me.

That you men

would still rather pal around
with us middle ‐ aged fogies

than go out drinking with all
the other high school boys and girls.

‐ Yeah, well, makes me hopeful
for the future.

‐ Yep.
‐ Well, who's ready for round two?

‐ Yeah.

‐ We don't have to do
the thing again, Dad.

‐ We don't‐‐
‐ Oh no, let's do it.

Root beer goat!
‐ Ha ha!

‐ Ah, somebody didn't goat.

‐ Well, everybody goated so I‐‐

‐ Come on, son, you do the best goat.

‐ I do a very normal goat.
‐ No, you‐‐

‐ Come on, give us a goat!

Give us a goat!
‐ You're so good.

You got it.

‐ This is what I'm talking about.

‐ That's a damn good goat!

So, Griffin, I heard you're going to prom
with the Principal's daughter?

- Oh.
- Prom.

‐ Yeah, I, I was,
but somebody else already asked.

‐ That's too bad.
‐ I'm so sorry.

‐ Oh, it's okay, Ma.

Most, most people
probably don't even remember

who they went to prom with.

‐ Exactly.

‐ Unh‐unh, you're looking at him.

He was so nervous when he asked me.

He had written a little poem out
and everything.

He didn't even end up reading it.

‐ Well, for what it's worth,
I always thought

you and Lena made an adorable couple.

Do you want me to call her father?
‐ That's okay, Dad.

‐ No, no, no, I'm not afraid to call him.
‐ I am.

You don't have to do that.
‐ No, you shouldn't be.

‐ I don't think you should do that.

- Okay. Okay.
- I appreciate that.

‐ Hey, everybody. What's happening here?

Too early to fall asleep.

I bought Big Bang Theory Clue.

‐ Big Bang.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

Let me get this straight,

Sheldon... kills‐‐

‐ Penny.
‐ Penny.

In the library?

‐ No.
‐ The lab.

‐ The lab.

With a... Galaxy 6, 6S

‐ Galaxy‐‐

‐ Eh, 6, Salaxy 6‐‐

‐ Bazinga.

‐ Mom. Mom?

Dad?

Dad? Dad? Paul?

Stacy?

Come on, Griffin,
let's get the hell out of here!

‐ What the‐‐ Wait, what the hell is this?

Hags, did you do something?

‐ No! I just gave them
a couple sleeping pills.

‐ You roofied our parents?

‐ I did not roofie our parents.
The pills were in their medicine cabinet.

‐ This is crazy!
‐ Griffin!

Your parents are spooning.
My dad is snoring.

Mom's asleep. Let's go!
‐ No!

Tha‐‐ I'm not going. I'm not leaving.

You have a wristband, that's it, okay.

You go without me.

‐ Go without you?

‐ Lena's gonna meet
her promposal mate there anyway.

I don't want to witness that.

‐ Griffin, I was lying
when I said I wasn't scared.

I am scared.

But I'm not scared about
what's gonna happen tonight.

I'm scared about
what's gonna happen after tonight.

You're going to Brown.

And I'm gonna be stuck here
working at Chuck E. Cheese.

And that's life, Griff.

Look, you go and you beat that
Dr. Seuss promposal asshole to the punch.

You look Lena in the eyes and tell her

exactly what you've wanted
to tell her your entire life.

Tonight we become legends, Griffin.

We go to that party
and we win that Gauntlet.

This is our last chance
to make a great memory.

‐ Wow! That was really good.

That was good.
‐ Thanks.

‐ Did you practice that?

‐ A couple of times. Yeah.

‐ Ughhh!

‐ I know that groan!

‐ Ah, I still don't have a wristband.

What is that? Hags, why are you winking?

Man,
I just don't know about this.

I haven't been over to Andrew's house
since, like, the second grade

when his mom did that thing
with the mousetrap.

‐ Who cares? He said
he has extra wristbands.

You need a wristband. Ring the bell.

Should we call him?

He don't believe in phones.

‐ Hello?

‐ Hello?
‐ Hello, hello.

‐ Hello? Andrew?

Hello?

Hi, Mrs. Hellmuth?

‐ What do you want?

‐ Uh, sorry for barging
in your home like this.

Is Andrew here?

‐ Andrew?

My, uh‐‐

‐ Your‐‐ ‐ Your son.

‐ Yeah. Son.

You're looking for him?

‐ Uh, yes, ma'am.
It's kind of an emergency.

‐ You guys cops?

‐ No.
‐ No.

We're just‐‐
We're in high school.

‐ Griffin? Hags?

‐ Andrew!
‐ Holy shi‐‐

Uh, it's okay, Mom. These are my friends.

‐ Your friends? Yeah, right.

‐ I have friends, Mom!
Why don't you believe me?

‐ Why don't I believe
that you have friends?

Probably because your tendency
towards violence

caused us to be banned
from the fucking church.

‐ You didn't give me
my calming pills! That's why.

‐ I canceled our family trip to Reno
to pay for your freaking calming pills!

Why do you think your father left?

You said my dad left
to pursue his dreams.

‐ His only dream was to leave this house.

Happy Binge!

‐ Fuck you, Mom!

I'll bury you behind a Jiffy Lube.
And my friends are gonna help me!

‐ We will not be doing that.
‐ We're not, we're not gonna do that.

‐ I mean, I don't even know him now.

‐ You think I'm afraid
of a couple of puto cops?

I spent 18 years in a Bangkok prison

hanging upside down from my labia.

Two of those years,
I was pregnant with you.

‐ That's not even true, Mom.
Who are you trying to impress?

‐ Take these two guys up to my room

and show them the Chai Ming Fist Bump.

I don't wanna see that.

‐ What the fuck does that even mean, Mom?

‐ I'll burn that tongue if you ever speak
to me that way again.

‐ Do it!

Dinner's in ten.

I love you!
‐ I love you, too!

‐ Give Mommy a kiss.

I'm so sorry about that, guys.

‐ My mom, she just loves
showing off in front of my friends.

‐ Listen, Andrew,
we're in a bit of a rush.

Uh, we just wanted to know
how much we would have to pay you

for those wristbands
you said you can get us?

‐ Well, currency is an illusion
influenced by a false reality.

I live my life on a bartering system.

‐ Okay, we can work with that.
‐ Oh.

‐ So what do you want?

‐ To be your wingman tonight.

‐ Well, of course you can, man.
‐ Really?

‐ Yeah. That's‐‐
‐ Whoa, wait a minute.

You see, me and Griffin, we're a duo.

We've never been a trio.
‐ What are you doing?

‐ Right. Right, right, right. Okay, okay.

‐ Andrew, do you mind if Griffin
and I just have a sidebar over here.

Not about you, at all.

Is that okay? Thank you.
‐ What's going on?

‐ Whoa, we can't bring him, bro.
He's not helping our cool factor.

‐ And you're doing wonders for
our cool factor bringing bonus overalls?

Look, Lena has a wristband.
Sarah has a wristband! I need a wristband!

And having another person to pedal
that monstrosity outside

- wouldn't hurt either.
- Fine.

Fine. Andrew.

‐ Yes.
‐ We're back. Sorry.

‐ Uh‐huh.

What‐‐ ‐ You're in.

‐ Yeah, you can be our wingman tonight.

‐ What?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

‐ What?

‐ Oh‐kay.

- Yeah. It's all right.
- Oh my god!

Wow! Uh‐‐

I swear... I will not let you guys down.

‐ How 'bout those wristbands?

‐ Ah, yes.

Actually, I 3D printed them.

I 3D print a lot of stuff.

‐ Oh, awesome, man. These things‐‐

‐ Andrew, these are purple.

The Library Party wristbands are orange.

‐ Yes. Hags, that is
a very good observation.

You see, unfortunately,
the guy I usually barter with,

he was all out of the orange filament so‐‐

‐ Well, that doesn't help us at all.
‐ Right, right, right. Uh‐‐

My twin brother Seb has real ones.

‐ Seb? "The Ice Russian?"

Didn't he go to juvie for stabbing
some guy with a screwdriver?

‐ Wait, he's your twin brother?

‐ Yeah. From a different father.

‐ Excuse me.
‐ What?

‐ Heteropaternal superfecundation.

It's actually pretty common.

You see, it's when a woman allows
two random sexual partners

to ejaculate inside of her
during a special two‐egg ovulation.

Yeah. And then she has fraternal twins
from two different fathers.

So I have a... half‐twin brother.
Or a full twin half‐brother.

Halfernal for short. He's actually‐‐
He's, uh, six days older than me.

I was thinking we'd do the old switcheroo.

All right,
just follow my bullshit.

Okay, guys, listen to me.

No matter what he says, do not sit down.

‐ Hello! How are you?

Uh, I'm Hags. This is Griffin.

You know Andrew.

That's a real beer.

The fuck is it?

‐ Go, go.

‐ Ah, little brother.

What are you doing here?

I thought you vowed
never to talk to me again

after I made you eat all that tinsel
off the Christmas tree.

‐ Time heals all wounds, brother.

Ah, there's always time to make another.

Whoa. Okay. All right.

Guys, I think we're really getting off
on the wrong foot here.

‐ Are you cops?

‐ We are literally in the same grade.
Why does everyone think we're cops?

I don't really know.

Oh! Uh, speaking of
the Library Party tonight,

we have these really cool
purple VIP wristbands,

but we don't know where the entrance is.

‐ Yeah, we can't find
any information online.

‐ Yes. So, we just figured a couple top
cool all‐stars like yourselves would know.

‐ VIP?
‐ Yes.

‐ Have a seat.

‐ We're standers.
‐ Sit!

‐ Yeah, we can do that.
‐ Sure.

‐ Ohh!

Jersey Turnpike?

‐ Jersey Turnpike?

‐ Half a line of protein,
half a line of creatine.

‐ That's not even drugs?
‐ Yeah, why would I wanna do that?

I don't wanna do that.

‐ If you're not a narc, then you
wouldn't mind doing a Jersey Turnpike.

Oh!

Dude, do the Jersey Turnpike.

Whoa... that burns a lot.

‐ Yeah, baby!

So let me get this straight.

You come into my personal space
with your purple wristbands

and this talk of VIP.

You think you're what, just gonna,

just waltz out of here?

Oh!

‐ Well, you got another thing coming,

because I would love...

to compensate you for those.

Generously.

‐ Yeah, that‐‐

‐ How's a grand sound?

‐ Pssh.
‐ That works.

‐ That's a pretty good deal.
‐ That's great.

‐ Perfect for us.
‐ Huh?

‐ 'Cause no offense,
'cause you're not really the VIP type.

You stand out.

‐ We totally agree.

Thank you for being so honest.

Oh‐kay!

This guy, man. He really likes that thing.

‐ Okay, so if you guys are good,
I think we're good. We're definitely good.

So I think then that's it.
I think that's it then.

So we'll just swap our VIP wristbands
for your normal ones. And that's good.

These are for you.
‐ Thank you, Seb.

Give my boy the cash, all right.

It was nice doing business with you.
‐ Oh, oh, I just have one more question.

Come on.

‐ It's a secret.
‐ It's... it's‐‐

‐ Ahh!
‐ Whoa! Whoa!

‐ You think I'm fucking stupid?

‐ No, sir! No, we do not.
‐ Huh?

You come in here.

You try to take the Gauntlet win from us?

You got‐‐

Oww!

Oh fuck! Ow!

Wha‐‐ No! What the fuck? Oh, you shot me!

‐ Now let me friend go!

‐ I'm not touching him. He's over there.

‐ Let him go!

‐ I'm not even near him!

‐ Give me the wristbands

or the next one's in the breadbasket,

I fucking swear to God!

‐ Give it to him. Give it to him.

Okay, good. Calm down‐‐

Oh.

‐ Oh my god! You shot my dick!

You shot my dick!

‐ Oh!
‐ All right, motherfuckers.

‐ He shot my penis.
‐ You shot his penis.

‐ There's gonna be‐‐
‐ Oww! What the‐‐

‐ I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Hags.

‐ Goddammit! You shot me in my neck!

‐ God, I don't want to look at it.

I didn't mean to! I'm sorry.

‐ We gotta go!

‐ Don't pull it out! Don't pull it out!

- Go! Go! Go!
- Go!

‐ Get 'em!

We got the wristbands.
Let's go. We got 'em.

I'm sorry!

What the fuck?

Come on, get 'em!

- Pump it!
- I'm gonna kick your ass!

‐ It's right on the shaft.
It's right on the shaft.

Did we lose them?

Do you think we can stop?

- Ow.
- I think we're good.

- Owww!
- I think we can stop!

Oh!

Oh, that was crazy.

Ahh!

Oww!

All right. We're okay.

‐ That was so crazy.

‐ I got a dart in my neck!

I have a dart in my neck.

‐ I'm sorry, Hags. I didn't mean to.

‐ Griffin, what the fuck is on your face?

‐ What?
‐ What's on your face?

Oh! Oh my god.

‐ I don't know, it's stuck.

‐ You gotta rip it off.
‐ Holy‐‐

‐ Just rip it?
‐ Like a Band‐Aid.

‐ No, just take it off your‐‐ Oh shit!
‐ Oh!

Ohhh! Fuck you. That hurts so bad!

You really went for it.

‐ Why is there hair on the paper?

Okay, okay.

‐ Andrew, did I just rip my eyebrow off?

‐ No, not all of it.

Ohh!

‐ Oh fuck! Uh‐‐

Okay. Okay. How long does it take
for an eyebrow to grow back?

‐ Six to twelve months.

‐ Months!
‐ Couple weeks to get one shipped.

‐ I need serious medical attention here.

‐ I can't talk to Lena like this.
I can't talk to Lena with one eyebrow.

‐ You guys need
some Library Party wristbands?

$50.

‐ So, you guys need 'em?
I got 'em. Fifty bucks.

‐ What?

I got the Tahini,
the green pepper.

And finish it off with that limon.

See what you think.

‐ All right.

Oh my god.

That is the most perfect hummus as always.

‐ That's just a hobby. It's pretty good.

‐ Um... think I'm gonna
go upstairs and study,

get ready for bed.

‐ Study?

Well, you already got into Brown.

You should be having some fun.
You're not gonna be a teenager forever.

‐ Uh... maybe tomorrow night, Dad.

‐ All right. Well, you're gonna have
a hard time sleeping.

I've laid a piece of wood out,

and I'm gonna carve
one of those gnome walking sticks.

I know they're ugly bastards, but
I'm drawn to them.

‐ I like 'em.
‐ You get some rest.

‐ Okay.

‐ Change your mind, we got
a bowl of hummus down here.

Get off my lawn,
you tweaking son of a bitch!

I'll come out there and bu‐‐

Who the hell you talking to?

‐ I'm so sorry, Mrs. Clarkson.

I thought you were a Binger. My fault.

Come on over. I got some hummus for you.

Whoo!

You guys really think
this looks okay?

‐ Honestly, I think
it's better than before.

Wow. You are an artist, Hags.

Thank you, Andrew,

you crazy son of a bitch.

You know, you were awesome back there.

‐ You really were, man.

‐ Really? ‐ Yeah, you were
all like, "Oh, let my friends go!"

‐ That was crazy!

‐ Yeah. Like a modern day Moses!

‐ Sure.

‐ Oh, Seb's gonna murder me

and you guys too at some point,

but net‐net, I think it was worth it.

‐ Three whiskey shots.

Enjoy!

Happy Binge.

- Sick brow!
- Oh.

‐ Told you!

‐ Thank you, ma'am.

‐ Um, maybe we should just get
to the party, you know.

Beat the rush.

‐ We are not trying to get
discount printers on Black Friday.

To the Binge!

‐ But what if promposal guy
beats me there?

‐ Lena is not there yet.
I can promise you that, okay.

Plus, you don't wanna go dead sober.

Which is why I brought you here,

because you get all locked up around her.

Right? To the Binge!

‐ Hags is absolutely right, by the way.

People are more likely
to have sex while on drugs.

My mom got pregnant with Seb
and I while she was on cat tranquilizer.

‐ Why did we ever stop hanging out?

‐ That's a funny story, Hags.

Remember Greg Olivotti's
roller rink party,

where you guys convinced me
to do the Mambo No. 5 shuffle?

Well, I crashed into Christina Barnes
and dislocated her shoulder,

and then she couldn't go
to the cheer finals in Fort Lauderdale.

They ended up losing,
and everyone blamed me.

Then I come to find out
there's no such thing

as the Mambo No. 5 shuffle to begin with.

That kind of changed
the course of my life.

‐ Wow. I totally forgot about that.

‐ Yeah. Me too.

Sorry about that, man.
‐ I'm really sorry, man.

‐ It's okay. I mean,
hey, we're together now.

That's all that matters.

It just means that we're gonna have
to pack half a decade

of could‐have‐beens into one night!

‐ Amen to that!

‐ Okay, I'll have a drink.
I don't want to embarrass myself.

But then we really need to go.

‐ To our first sip of alcohol.

To the Binge.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Cheers, fellas.
‐ Okay.

Uhh!

‐ Another round?

‐ Absolutely!

‐ I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
‐ I'll have some celery sticks!

Bingers. Bingers. Bingers!

Come on down to the Carnegie Library

for your chance to become
a part of history

in this year's Gauntlet.

Four grueling rounds of drug
and alcohol‐infused competition

of mind, body, and soul.

You've heard the rumors, now live them.

Maybe even see the return of
the Gauntlet's most legendary Valleyman.

El Pantera.

One night only. This year's Gauntlet.

Be there! And don't die!

Gauntlet legends.

What I wouldn't do to be up on this wall.

Hags' hotline.

‐ Hags? Hags?
‐ Hello, Hags.

‐ Sarah. Hey!

Are you in a bathroom?

‐ Yeah‐‐ No, I'm not in a bathroom.

I am at a Pre‐Binge VIP Party.

‐ Definitely looks like the bathroom
of a Whack‐A‐Doodle's.

‐ Wow! That's crazy. I know, right?

‐ I remember you saying that
you were going to the Library Party,

and I was wondering
if you could pick us up.

‐ Um, what happened to the limo?

He's, like, an hour late.

Can you come pick us up please.
We really want to ride you!

‐ What? SARAH: I said, we
really want to ride with you.

I don't get
why Lena'd be at Sarah's.

Everyone's at Sarah's.

It's the official unofficial
pre‐game party.

Hey! Who's the lucky bachelorette?

Mazel tov, nerds.

Maybe we should pull over for
a little bit and just collect ourselves.

No, fellas, we're almost there.

I'm gonna throw up.

‐ You make me do this stupid shit,
and I'm supposed to be the mysterious one?

‐ Do you want to hit triple digit likes
or do you want to stay in the low 60s

like Erika Mendelson?

‐ What in the fuck is that?

Ladies,

your chariot has arrived.

‐ Ew, what happened to your eyebrow?

‐ He's got cancer. Next question?

‐ I don't have cancer.

‐ He's just being modest.
‐ Have you guys seen Lena at all?

‐ I don't know who that is.
‐ Who the fuck is Lena?

‐ She smells good.
‐ Ladies, you guys know Andrew, right?

‐ You're Ice Russian's twin.

Didn't you set the lacrosse field on fire?

Uhh, somebody had to do it.

‐ Cool.

‐ Listen, ladies, check it out,
we got, we got ten seats.

Eleven, if you count my face.

‐ What do you mean by that?

There's a whole squad of y'all,

and there just might not be enough seats.

‐ Sorry, Hags. Our limo driver called.
He's gonna be here any minute.

‐ But... but we came
all this way to rescue you.

‐ It's just that being in a limo
sounds like a lot more fun than...

whatever that thing is.

‐ Hey, do you think we could ride
with you guys?

This thing is super hard to pedal.

‐ I'm so sorry, our seats are spoken for.

‐ Do you know how many people die
in limos per year?

Right? If you think
a regular car accident is bad,

now imagine you with 19
of your best friends

all dying at the same time?

Right? Think of your families.

Wouldn't that be awful? Just awful.

They will never recover from this
type of trauma. ‐ Hags! Hags! Hags!

Hags!
‐ What?

‐ Fuck!

- Oh no!
- Bye!

- My life's work.
- No! No!

Oh no!

No! Fuck! Fuck!

Oh no.

Oh god!

Oh no!

‐ Nooo!

How did it turn like that?

Uh‐‐
Guys!

Oh shit!

No!

Hey!

- Wait.
- Hey! Hey!

We're saved. We're saved!

Wait!

- Yes!
- Wait.

Wait

- Sarah!
- Don't go.

- No! No!
- Hey!

Goddammit!

Shit!

‐ It's Lena.

She just texted from the party.
She asked how long till we're there.

‐ Soon!
‐ How?

‐ We'll figure it out, okay.
We'll get there.

Just stall! Tell her
we're picking up some booze.

Or actually some presents!

- Chicks love presents.
- And astrology.

Just tell her that you're a Leo!
That's why you're getting the presents.

‐ I'm a Virgo, though.

‐ That's even better. That means that
your emotions rise with the tides!

‐ How do you know so much about astrology?

‐ I had a pen‐pal that went to Space Camp.

‐ Wait, okay, that's a really good idea.
Let me think. Let me think for a second.

Uh... uh... "I'm at Sarah's.

"I'm just getting you presents

because I'm a Virgo." Send.

‐ Nice.
‐ Yeah?

‐ Proud of you.
‐ Thanks, guys.

‐ Proud of you.

‐ It autocorrected to
"I'm gonna get you pregnant

because I'm a virgin!"

Fuck!
‐ Oh no.

‐ I'm sorry. Typo.

Auto‐‐

Fuck! I doubled down.
‐ Damn!

‐ Fuck! Wait, there's bubbles,
there's bubbles, she's typing.

The bubbles went away.
Why'd the bubbles go away?

Guys, this is really, really bad.
What do I do?

‐ You relax. You wait for her
to respond, right?

She might be into it.
You gotta gauge her temperature.

‐ It said, "getting pregnant."
Why would she be into that?

‐ Just, like, keep tapping it.
It might go away.

Oh my god.

‐ Oh shit.
‐ Yes!

Yes! See, I told you
she wouldn't leave us.

Come on! Hey, Sarah!

You guys need a ride?

‐ Yes, please, thank you.
‐ That would be amazing. Please.

‐ Stop.

We'll give you a ride if you‐‐

‐ Suck each other?

‐ Punch each other in the face.

- What?
- Yeah.

‐ Sarah, come on, please.
Just give us a ride.

Griffin's got to go ask
his girlfriend to prom.

‐ I'm not fucking kidding.
‐ Mm‐mm.

‐ If you guys want to get in this car,

you need to punch each other in the faces
like you fucking mean it.

‐ Guys, guys, I've been punched
in the face before.

It's not so bad, okay.
Just picture the other guy naked.

‐ What? Guys, no. We're not punching
each other in the face.

‐ Griffin, this is our only ride.

‐ Sarah, this is crazy, right?
I mean, come on.

You don't actually want us
to punch each other in the face.

‐ Fuck these guys. Let's go.

‐ We'll do it. We'll do it.

Okay, Sarah, we're gonna do it!
We're gonna do it!

Just punch me. Just punch me
and let's get this shit over with.

‐ That's so dumb.
‐ Remember drama camp class?

I'm gonna sell that shit to the left.
Bang. Right there.

Right there. Ready?
‐ Ready?

One,

two‐‐

Oww!

‐ What the fuck?

‐ Oh, why would you do that?

‐ Now it's over. It's not so bad, right?

‐ Bad. Very, very, very bad, Andrew. Fuck!

‐ The trick to getting punched in the face
is to not see it coming.

‐ That was my fucking ear!

Okay. One down, two to go.

Andrew, I'm gonna punch you.
Griffin, you punch me.

‐ Okay.
‐ Ready?

‐ Right.
‐ On the count of three.

‐ Got it.
‐ One, two, three‐‐

Ow! What the fu‐‐ Ow!

Is your head made out of a filing cabinet?

‐ Okay, now your turn, Hags!

‐ Okay. Okay. My turn.
‐ You ready?

‐ I'm ready. Here we go.
‐ Here we go.

You ready?

‐ Punch me.
‐ Okay.

‐ On the count of three.
‐ Look at me.

One, two‐‐

‐ Wait a minute!
‐ Okay.

‐ Just give me a minute.
‐ Okay.

‐ Come on, Hags.
‐ Okay. Sarah, I'm doing this sh‐‐

Ahh!

‐ Shit!
Oh‐‐ In the neck!

‐ Fuck, you hit my throat.

‐ You okay?
‐ What happened to the "Go"?

‐ I've never punched someone
in the face before.

My inner‐ear balance is all messed up.

I can't believe
you guys just did that.

We would have let you in the car anyway.

‐ I can't swallow.

‐ I fucking love tonight.

Oh my god. Get in, you earned it.

‐ We're all good, right?

‐ Stop. What are you guys doing?

Go in the front.
There's no room back here.

Fucking virgins.

‐ Oh man!

Sorry about that
punchdrunk love back there.

Looks like you guys really took
some shit to the face!

That was cool. Chicks said you'd dig it.

I doubt it! Right? I'm Pompano Mike!

‐ Hey.
‐ Pompano, huh?

‐ Yeah.
‐ My grandparents live in Florida!

‐ Oh! What are their names?
‐ Uh‐‐

‐ I'm just kidding, I'm not from there.

I just like to live my life
in a South Florida state of mind!

Strap on your dicks, boys,

here we go!

And so as daylight
fades across the landscape

and the moon sits perched
in the night sky,

the effects of the poison grip
the minds of all who imbibe.

Some will live to tell a tale of growth

while other may fall prey
to the dark side.

It's getting crazy out there.

You know, I know tonight brings up
a lot of embarrassing memories

for... both of us.

Your mom leaving,

the RV fires.

I was actually hoping
to talk to you about it tonight,

but, uh, you sleep like a dead sailor.

You snore like my Uncle Stretch.

Have to get you
a sleep apnea machine for college.

College.

Where does all the time go, huh?

The time is 8:51 p. m.

"I'm at Sarah's.

I'm gonna get you pregnant
because I'm a virgin!"

Griffin.

Griffin, you son of a bitch.

Sarah.

Sarah Martin's Dank‐Ass Pre‐Game.

‐ Whoo!
‐ We're gonna live forever!

I'm also gonna live forever!

‐ What the fuck?

‐ No, get down. Come on.
‐ This is our thing.

- This is our thing.
- Sorry.

Whoo!

‐ Give me a YOLO
and one ass cheek on three.

‐ Pretty cool car, man.

‐ Yeah, thanks.

You know, this is
the last remaining automobile

from Xzibit's Pimp My Ride show.

Probably before your time.
I'm pretty bad with ages.

What are you guys, like, 36? 38?

‐ Uh... 18.
‐ Nice! That was a fun age.

Ah, you guys are totally legal!

You know what? Check this out!

On Binge night, I load up, baby.

‐ Pompano, you know driving
under the influence

is still against the law tonight, right?

‐ Yeah.

But the only way to avoid drivers
under the influence

is to be over the influence.

That was my senior quote.

I thought it was pretty wise
at the time, and I still do.

You wanna tug on that?

Tug it up.
‐ Uh, no, I'm good‐‐

‐ Take it to tug town.

Besides, the cops are pretty lenient
tonight, anyways.

Especially when they find out that
my Uncle Rick invented the Chia Pet.

Wasn't really my uncle, he just was a man.

That's it. Suck it down pipe, guys!

Good, good, good. Suck it down pipe!

‐ What?

‐ Put it to your lips
and suck it down pipe!

Yeah.

Suck it down pipe!

‐ Can you stop saying that?

‐ Ha! Suck it down pipe!

Suck it down pipe!
‐ I'm okay, man.

I don't want to cloud
my judgment anymore.

‐ You know, the best way to deal
with troubles in your life

is lots of drugs.

‐ Yes! This shit's gonna put you at ease.

‐ Suck it down pipe.
‐ You keep saying that, Pompano Mike.

I just don't know what it means.

‐ Okay, I'll spell it out for you.

Here are the ABCs
of suckin' it down pipe!

Okay. You puff it in
all the way down to your lungs.

Let it marinate there
and then you release it.

You know, like a fart
during a family movie night,

I don't know, whatever you guys
wanted to watch!

‐ Yeah!

‐ There you go.
‐ Oh, Griffin.

‐ Suck it down pipe.

‐ Oh, "Gristen," I like you.

You got kids, Gristen?

‐ My name's not Gristen.

‐ No one's name is Gristen.

‐ Gristen.

Uh, Gristen, can't make kids!

What?

‐ Took you long enough.

‐ Rumor has it that the girls are here?

‐ And waiting.

‐ Thank goodness.

Prepare to get
your brushes wet, ladies!

Keep going. Over here. Yes.

Right by those strawberries.

Have a seat.
‐ Okay.

‐ Whoa. I hope
the carpet matches the drapes.

‐ This, uh, is a little bit more
of an adult party than I‐‐

‐ Yeah and you're still wearing
your pants.

Actually, though, um,

I'm, I'm here for my daughter,
Lena Carlsen.

Is she at the party?

‐ Oh, there's a party.

In my pants.

Oh.

Listen, ladies, I'm actually
Principal Carlsen.

I'm from the high school.
‐ Good morning, Principal Carlsen.

‐ And, um, you know, I don't have
a problem with Binge‐ing,

obviously for you adults.

You ladies have‐‐ Lot of‐‐

Lot of you, uh, all girl group
have gotten together to Binge tonight,

which seems fine to me.

I do have a problem though,
uh, with my daughter,

and I think she might be
out here Binge‐ing.

‐ Who hired this guy?

‐ Dina did.
‐ Just go with it.

Principal... can you give us detention?

‐ Um, sure.

Uh, detentions, detentions,
detentions, detentions.

Whoo‐hoo!

‐ I'll see all of you after school.

But I think on a serious note,

we all realize that
with the kids out there drinking

and doing the things
that they could be doing tonight,

things could get far worse
than a detention, yeah?

‐ Yeah, I'm just not vibing
with a Principal.

‐ But I'm the Principal.

I'm the Principal of the school.
I'm Principal Carlsen.

‐ Okay, I'm the volleyball player.

‐ No, I understand that.

No, guys, I'm, I'm the Principal.
I really am. I'm Principal Carlsen.

‐ I'm not feeling it. I don't‐‐ Is it me?

Ladies, you're
not gonna get me off the scent here.

I don't know where you're hiding the kids.

If they're upstairs?
If they're downstairs?

I'm gonna find them, okay.

So I'm asking you nicely.

‐ Oh.
‐ Right?

Stop playing around with me
and tell me where the kids are,

or I can make it pretty uncomfortable
here in town.

I'm also a city councilman.

I can find out if the property taxes
to this house is paid up or not.

I can have a detective follow you
and find out

who each and every one
of you girls is fucking,

and I'll turn some families upside down.

So, I'm gonna ask it one more time
before things start to turn

just a little bit uncomfortable.

Ready?

Where... is... my... daughter?

‐ Yeah, see, now I love the passion
and you're really going for it,

but it's too dark now.

It's too dark. Bring it back.

Maybe back to Principal.

‐ What are you talking about?

‐ We really appreciate
your commitment to the part,

but we just wanna see a big swinging dick.

Just show us your dick.

Show your dick
and balls! Show your dick and balls!

Show your dick and balls!

Show your dick and balls!
‐ Oh, you guys are here to paint somebody.

I got it.
‐ Yes, yes.

‐ Look, maybe we can do a little painting,

and then maybe I can ask
you girls some questions.

Fair?

Give me a minute. Give me a robe

and we'll see if we can't, uh, create

some magic alone tonight, okay.

‐ Ooh, I like that.

‐ I like all of you guys.
I'm proud of you.

Guess what? Guess what?
Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?

‐ What?
‐ You're all under detention!

‐ Guys, I think I love weed.

‐ Griffin loves weed!

‐ The only thing is
it's not just weed. It's Zoom, so‐‐

‐ What?
‐ A little "Super Grass."

‐ Uh‐huh?

‐ "Baby's Breath."
‐ What?

"Fry," "Ozark," "Alabaster Arrow,"

"Dirty Rubix Cube," "Disco Dave," "Spork!"

‐ I have no clue
what you're talking about.

‐ It's just your plain Jane
"Rainy Day Woman"

mixed with a little chunk of PCP.

‐ PCP?
‐ Yeah, PCP.

"Dragon's Breath," "Cheese Tacos,"

"Chicken Tamales," "Hip Hip Hooray,"

"Monkey Punch,"

"Oral Fire Traffic,"
"Crunch Wrap Supreme,"

"Deuces Wild," "Pirate's Booty,"

"Toledo," "Nuts‐A‐Bunch"
"Los Lonely Boy"

"Diagon Alley,"

"Road to Terabithia,"
"Nugget Rush."

Fucking shit!

Whoa!

Years from now,
when you talk about this,

and you will,

be kind.

‐ Oh, and before you go, here's a
little gift from your favorite students.

Aww!

‐ You ladies are so sweet but, honestly,
my time with you was gift enough.

So thank you.

‐ Oh, trust me,
you're gonna want this one.

It's drugs.

‐ Okay. Well, thank you so much.
Appreciate you guys.

Okay.

Oh!

‐ Great night.

‐ Okay, take care.

This was so fun!

‐ Come back here, we're bored.

‐ What?
‐ Not you. Pompano.

We need
some caveman nuts back here.

‐ One of the downfalls of the job.

Take the wheel, Jesus.

No, wait. Sure you don't want
two people?

Ah, fuck!

Goddamn.

- Hi, handsome.
- Hey, ladies, what's up?

You're so fucking silly.

This is bad, man.

She's not trying to figure out
a witty response.

She's trying to figure out how to tell me
never to talk to her again.

‐ All right, man, wait.
Take it easy, okay.

That's‐‐ that's‐‐
that's the paranoia kicking in.

Send her a text message
with a heart emoji and you're in.

‐ I can't text a promposal,

especially after the whole
auto‐correct debacle.

‐ If you don't wanna text her, then just
pick up the phone and call.

‐ That's what I'm gonna do. That's what I gotta
do. ‐ Man, pick up the phone and call her.

‐ Okay, here we go, here we go.
It's ringing, it's ringing.

‐ Griff, something you wanna say?

‐ Yeah, that's actually why I was calling.

‐ You think you can just say
whatever you want over text

because we're not face to face?

‐ It was just an auto‐correct.
I would never‐‐ I would never have ty‐‐

I would never get you pregnant.

‐ I know. I'm just kidding with you.

I thought it'd be funny to not respond,
you know, make you wonder.

‐ Okay. That's funny.

You've‐‐ That's very funny.

Yeah, I bet
I made you nervous there, huh?

‐ No, I don't, I don't get
too nervous in general so‐‐

‐ Man, get to the point.
Just ask the question.

‐ Hey, so it's been
a pretty wild night so far.

This isn't how
I was planning on doing it but I,

I didn't get a chance to earlier

because of the confetti at the lockers,

but I was just wondering
if no one else has asked‐‐

You bitch!

‐ What?

Oh, what the fuck?

Is he dead?

‐ Andrew!

Watch the fucking road!

Holy shit!

‐ Put his foot on the brake!

‐ Pulp Fiction him, Griffin!
‐ We're gonna Pulp Fiction him!

That's what we're gonna do.

‐ We're gonna die!
‐ We're gonna Pulp Fiction him.

‐ Oh, you're okay.

Goddammit!

- What was that?
- Oh my god.

You okay?

- Open this door?
- Griff, you all right?

Come on! Get out, guys!

‐ Ow!

All right.

‐ Oh no.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

What‐‐ What have we‐‐
What have we done?

Did we just kill an innocent cow?

‐ We are not bad people, Lord,
we just made a mistake.

‐ Hags, what the hell?

‐ The driver drugged Andrew.
‐ No, I didn't!

I didn't do anything.

‐ Did you guys kill a cow?

Fix that cow.

Wait, what about the drugs?

‐ No! No more drugs for us tonight!

‐ I'm... I'm with Griffin
on this one, Hags.

Not for us.

‐ What?
‐ What?

‐ Come on, Bessie.

‐ You guys are fucking idiots.

‐ We know!

‐ We're trying!

I'm gonna put some cocaine in his eye.
‐ Fix the cow!

‐ Everybody, please stop yelling.

Okay, that worked. Give me something else.

‐ Wake that cow up! Fix it!

Come on, Bessie.

‐ I'm pretty sure Lena thinks
I called her a bitch.

‐ Live, cow!

‐ Why won't he live?

We gotta give her more drugs.

‐ Come on, guys! Don't let her die.

‐ You shut the fuck up, Pompano! We know!

‐ I'm gonna Pulp Fiction the cow.

Ew!

Ow!

‐ You okay?
‐ It's alive!

Oh my god, it's alive!

‐ It's alive!

Oh my god!

- Hey, cow!
- Yes!

Come on, girl.

‐ It's a miracle.

‐ She's even better
than she was before!

‐ Oh! Oh god!

I'm gonna throw up.

‐ You guys are poison.
‐ Fuck you, cow killers.

You ruined our perfect night.

This is why nobody fucks with you.

You're always gonna be virgins!

‐ Oh no!

I can get some more‐‐

Holy shit!

Is that Principal Carlsen?

‐ Hey, guys.

- Hey, Tyler. How are you fellas?
- Hi.

‐ Just curious, do you guys know any of
the, uh, parties that are happening tonight?

‐ Tonight? I haven't heard anything.

‐ No? No idea.
‐ No.

Oh!

‐ Do you think because I participate
in Wacky Wednesdays

I can't get a little crazy, huh?

Just because I participate
in Wacky Wednesdays

doesn't mean I can't change
the course of your life!

Does that make sense, you stupid ass?

‐ Look, most people are going
to Carnegie Library.

All right?

‐ Smart.

Hiding in plain sight.

Come on, big guy. That wasn't so bad.

Proud of the way you've conducted yourself
on and off the field.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's this? You guys gettin'
into some slamballs?

Run your pockets.
‐ What's a slamball?

‐ This is how it starts.

Little sip of wine,

some slamballs,

and then you leave your family

for an ATV instructor named Gabriel.

And then you stop being a mom

and participating in the family

because you're so ashamed
from a life of porn,

you can't look your daughter
in the eye anymore.

And guess who gets stuck holding the bag?

Dear old dad.

Is that gonna be you?

Are you gonna be a mom

that leaves her family?

Let me ask you a question, big boy.

Look at me.

Are you a mom that could walk out
on her family?

‐ No. No, sir.

‐ Are you a mom that could walk out
on his family?

‐ I would never leave you.

‐ The fuck makes you think
I'm talking about me?

‐ I thought we were just role‐playing.

I know it wasn't you.

If I was a mother,
I would never leave my family.

That's all I know. Here,
these are, these are all my drugs.

I'm sorry I lied to you,
Principal Carlsen.

‐ Why didn't we just start here

and skip all the hitting in the
throat stuff, huh?

You guys have a great night, okay.

You know what, we'll do better next time.

Oh.

And if anybody asks you guys,

just let 'em know
that the Panther sent you.

Oh!

Who's the panther?
Where's he supposed to send us?

- Oh shit!
- Did you see that?

‐ We have just experienced
a serious trauma, people.

- Hey, why won't anybody pick us up?
- Dickless!

‐ Uber says it's gonna take two hours
and it's surging 350.

This night slaps.

Best night ever.

Griff, you good?

‐ Mark fucking Maynard.

‐ This night slaps!

‐ Night of our lives!
‐ Whoo!

Who else could it be?

Listen, man,
Mark did not ask her to prom,

I know that for a fact.

Look, we cannot give up now.
We are 6.8 miles away from that party.

And then when Lena sees you,
there's no way she can say no to you.

‐ Well, what would that
even look like, man?

"Hey, Lena, it's me.

"I'm really sorry for calling you
a bitch earlier.

"It's probably because I was high
off my ass on PCP.

"I almost just died
after crashing into a cow

"and they got absolutely fucking
demolished by an 18 wheeler

"and as I'm sure you've noticed by now,
I'm missing an entire fucking eyebrow.

"But hey, don't worry about it.

"It'll probably grow back
in six to twelve months.

You wanna go to prom?"

‐ Hey, you sold me.
‐ I'd say yes.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Ow! What the shit?
‐ Griffin.

‐ Oh, something's in my ass.
‐ What?

‐ My entire ass is on fire!

‐ Oh, that hurts‐‐
‐ Hey!

Hey, lookie‐lookie.

‐ Big bro.

My good friend here,
he wanted to ask his girlfriend to‐‐

Andrew? Andrew!

Oh no!

Get 'em in the truck.

Will I be able to drive
if I eat two Binge‐A‐Ritos?

I would not recommend it.

You're so stupid.

Binge‐A‐Ritos.

Six for 12 bucks.

Meat, cheese, romaine lettuce,
and magic mushrooms.

‐ Magic mushrooms?

‐ Bon appetit!

‐ Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

‐ You're going on a little trip.

‐ They're probably only dusted
with magic mushrooms.

I doubt that the Wall of Tacos
would risk their impeccable reputation

by poisoning people.

Whoo!

Twenty‐nine Binge‐A‐Ritos!
They broke the fucking record!

Oh shit.

Yeah!

‐ I really don't think we should be doing
this many drugs.

"I don't think
we should be doing anymore drugs."

That's you!

Seb, please, just let us go. ‐
"Seb, please, just let us go."

That's also you,
you fucking piece of shit.

‐ Do you have any idea how long
we've been training for this Gauntlet?

‐ Okay. No, that's it. I'm done.
I gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh!

Hey, he's still back there.

‐ Now it's payback time.
‐ Now it's payback time?

What have we been doing here
the whole fucking time?

‐ Preparing.

‐ Preparing for what?

‐ The Siamese Tootsie Roll.

‐ Is that a dessert here?

‐ Hey, Becky. Becky?

‐ What?
‐ I'm just gonna go home.

‐ No, no, no! You can't leave now.

‐ Yeah, I just need this
to charge a little more,

and then I'm gonna call an Uber.
‐ No, you can't‐‐

No, you can't leave now. No.

He wouldn't have asked you to come
if he wasn't gonna be here.

‐ Okay. Well, maybe Mr. Promposal
just got drunk or something.

‐ No, stay. Just stay a little longer!

I'll be right with you in a second.

Where did they get
all this tape from?

I gotta go to the bathroom now.

Griffin?

‐ Hags, you need to be
an adult about this.

Do not shit‐‐

I need to go to the bathroom too.

No. Andrew, no. Andrew.

Do not. Stay strong, Andrew.

You fucking heathens.

You're all heathens.

All right, all right.

Thank you, man.

Yeah, it's no problem.

Come this way.

Hey,
it's the Siamese Tootsie Roll guys.

All right.

‐ "Siamese Tootsie Roll guys?"

We have a name.

‐ Oh yeah! You're going viral.
‐ You happy, Hags?

‐ Hey, look, at least we'll be recognized
tonight at the Library Party.

‐ I don't care about recognition, man.

I just want to get to this stupid party
and ask Lena to prom!

‐ You've been saying that every day
for the past five months.

‐ You know, you're kind of
an asshole, man.

‐ Well, if it wasn't for this asshole,

you'd still be at home tonight
doing the Root Beer Goat.

‐ Because of you, the dean of Brown
is gonna look up my name

and see me, you, and Andrew
taped ass to ass,

rolling down the street blindfolded
on Binge Night.

Principal Carlsen's gonna see that.
Everyone will.

That could ruin my fucking life.

If I'm even alive after the 30
mushroom‐filled burritos we just ate.

‐ Oh, I'm sorry

for trying to add some fun

to your miserable existence, Griffin.
‐ What?

What part of anything
about tonight was fun?

Andrew, are you having fun?

‐ Ah, fucking Binge, man.

‐ You see?

You see?
‐ You didn't even want him to come.

‐ Of course I wanted him to come.
‐ You said he was hurting our cool factor.

‐ And you only wanted him
for the wristbands!

‐ If you guys didn't want me to come,
you could have just said that.

‐ That's not true.
‐ That's not it, Andrew.

‐ No, I got along fine just by myself.

I don't like being somewhere
I'm not appreciated.

Andrew, that's not what we meant.

Andrew!

Goddammit, Griffin. This is the bullshit
I'm talking about.

You know what?

I'm going to that party tonight.

Without you.

We could've been legends tonight, man.

We could have crushed that Gauntlet.

Griffin, this is the bullshit
I'm talking about!

You know what?

I'm going to that party tonight.

‐ If you guys didn't want me to come,
why didn't you just say that?

‐ Root Beer Goat.

You're going on a little trip.

‐ It's okay. You're just dying.

‐ I don't wanna be a little girl.

- You're going on a little trip!
- Root Beer Goat.

Dammit, Griffin, this is
the bullshit I'm talking about.

Your entire world turns
into a musical.

‐ Nooo!

Whoo!

‐ Lena!

Lena!

Lena!

Lena!

Do drugs, motherfuckers!

‐ Whoo!

‐ Lena!

‐ Griffin!

‐ Hags?

‐ Sarah?
‐ I can't believe you made it.

‐ Excuse me.

Um, have you seen Griffin?

‐ Yeah, he's, like, over there
just jazzing with a bunch

of way cooler guys.

‐ Wait. What seriously?

‐ No, I'm fucking with you.

‐ Oh. Ha ha ha.

Suck it down pipe. Be a man.

Look at him, he's having
a blast, everybody.

They call it Bong Long Island Expressway.

Come on!
‐ Oh man, yeah, that's good.

‐ Mark Maynard?
‐ Hey, Griffin.

Loving that eyebrow.

‐ I, I saw the video, so‐‐

‐ What video?
‐ Of you and Lena.

Of you two together dancing.

You're the promposal guy, right?

‐ No. I'm going to prom with Nick.
Guy's got an iron grip.

‐ Hell yeah.

‐ Wait, do you know
who did ask Lena, then?

‐ No. I got no idea. It could be anyone.

She's a real catch.

Could be Max Keiser, Jack Fortin.
‐ Right.

‐ Could have been Tom Fank,
Matt Menina, Cameron Dzur!

‐ Lot of different people.

‐ Don't take it personally.

I love messing with you.

And tonight, I want to take
our relationship to the next level.

‐ Wait, for real?

‐ No, Hags, what the fuck
is wrong with you?

‐ I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know.

‐ Jerry Robinson‐‐
‐ Jerry Robinson.

‐ Could be Tom Michelito.
‐ So many options.

‐ It could have been Kevin Weiss.
‐ Jacob Rosen.

‐ Eric Ulrich.

‐ Lot of people interested in her.
‐ Hey, hey, hey,

nice overalls though, dude, I love 'em.

‐ Have a good night.
‐ Hey, good luck.

Mark Maynard, what the fuck?

What? Don't pigeon hole me.
It's the Binge.

She's got an iron grip!

‐ "This is the last clue. Don't U C.

Lena, go to prom with me."

Oh my god!

‐ You look Lena in the eyes and tell her

exactly what you wanted to tell her
your entire life.

Mark did not ask her to prom,
I know that for a fact.

We could have been legends tonight, bro.

‐ Hags, you son of a bitch.

‐ Becky, I got a text.
Becky, I got a clue. ‐ What?

‐ Look.

"The time has come to make the call,

dig deep in your heart
and deep in the overalls."

What fucking overalls?

Oh god. No.

‐ Gauntlet competitor!
Please make your way to the stage.

If you haven't signed up,
now is your last chance

to be... legendary!

‐ What about that preview that you were
gonna give me in band practice?

I'm gonna be a member
of the big dick club.

‐ Whoa! Oh!

I mean, really?

I like that‐‐ Oh! Hey!

Hags!

Excuse me!
‐ Griffin?

‐ Excuse me.

‐ Focus up, Hags.
‐ I'm so sorry.

This is my first Binge,

and, uh,

I said some really shitty things
to some people I care a whole lot about.

‐ Who's that asshole?

‐ That asshole's my best friend.

‐ Is that Griffin?

‐ Hags, I don't know
if you can hear me or‐‐

‐ All right, listen, I gotta go
get my best friend.

You stay right here.
‐ What the fuck is he talking‐‐

I love you. Yeah, I'll be back.

Sorry. My best friend.
‐ Hags!

Get the fucker off the stage.

- Super lame!
- Get off the stage!

What the fuck, man?

‐ Griffin!

‐ Hags?
‐ Hey, Griffin!

‐ Hags!

‐ Sorry for the‐‐
‐ Hey!

‐ I'm coming, Hags.

‐ Hey, hey, Griffin!

‐ Now let's get to the Gauntlet, shall we?

I'm coming. I'm coming, Hags.

‐ Hey, that's my best friend.

‐ Oh god, just stop drinking‐‐

Whoa! Lena! Lena, look.

Look. Lena. Lena, Lena, look.
Overalls. Overalls.

Holy shit! It's Griffin!

Yeah!

‐ Oh my god, I‐‐

‐ Dude, dude, dude, you should,
you should get him!

‐ Griffin! Griffin!

- Hey! Hey!
- Hags!

‐ Griffin!
‐ Hags!

‐ Hey!

Did you ask Lena to prom?

‐ No, I couldn't find her.

Why did you keep saying I had to beat
the other guy to the promposal?

‐ You just needed a little push, man.

Look, I always knew you would ask her.
And I knew you could do it.

This was all just a backup.

Have you seen Andrew?
‐ No.

I'm not even sure how I got to the party.

‐ Well, I was tap‐dancing in the street!

‐ People were singing
around me at one point.

‐ I've had an erection for six hours.

Andrew!

What the fuck happened to you, man?

‐ Hey, hey, hey, team name?

‐ Oh, I'm sorry, we're not competing.

‐ Hey, if you're not competing,
get the fuck off the stage.

Right away, sir.

I put you through enough already.
Let's go and see‐

‐ Wait, we're competing.

‐ What?

‐ There's no way in hell we came this far

not to take a run
at becoming legends tonight.

You made this whole night about me.
Now let me do this for you.

‐ He's right.

‐ What do you say?

This is our chance to be remembered.

‐ Oh man!

‐ I know that groan! He's in!

My man.
‐ Hey, guys, team name?

‐ Um... how about the Best Friends?

‐ You're gonna get scorched for that name.

Watch this.

Hey, give it up for the Best Friends.

Hey, team Best
friends, where's your Valleyman?

What the hell's a Valleyman?

‐ It's your fourth man.

Every team needs a fourth.

If he's not up here in 30 seconds,
you can't compete.

‐ We didn't know about that.

‐ Griffin.

‐ Hey.

Lena!

Dad? CARLSEN: What
the hell is going on with you?

Let's go! We're leaving.

Lena, wait.

There's something I should have asked you
a long time ago

and was too terrified
to do anything about it.

But standing here now in front
of all these people and

with your dad right behind you,
the whole situation's feeling

a thousand times more awkward
and terrifying

than I even imagined it could be,
but that's okay, it doesn't matter.

Will you go to prom with me?

‐ Lena, I don't even know where you're at.

You're sneaking around
and you're lying to me.

You gotta come with me.

I mean, you gotta come alongside me.

It's time for us to come.

Let me walk that back.

I don't want that taken
out of context by anybody.

We're leaving.

‐ No.

No. No, I'm not leaving.

I know that sneaking out was wrong,
but you said so yourself,

I'm not gonna be a teenager forever.

So, this is where I'm at.

I want to go out,
and I want to try new things

and fucking I'm probably gonna make
a thousand mistakes but...

I'd really love to be able
to talk to my dad about it.

Come on, guys,
where's your Valleyman?

‐ Get off the stage, it's over.

‐ You're my daughter.

I see you.

And you can talk to me anytime you want.

‐ Thank you, Dad. That's exactly what I‐‐

‐ Just not right now.
‐ Oh!

‐ I'll be your Valleyman.

Take out your little pencil
and, uh, scratch down the name...

El fucking Pantera.

Oh shit!

‐ Dad?
‐ What is happening?

‐ It's the return of El Pantera.

Pantera!

Pantera!

Pantera!

Oh my god! Oh my god!

Your dad is El Pantera?

‐ You boys have the balls
to dare to be living legends,

then I'm not gonna let
some technicality stop that.

Truth be told, I lost
to the Gauntlet once. I was selfish.

Tried to go solo.

But now I realize, it takes a team,

but only a team that's built on trust.

‐ That sounds great.

‐ You come to my house, you pretend
to be my friend and clean my pool.

You played me.

Then I get a text

saying that you wanna impregnate
my goddamn daughter.

‐ That was just an auto‐correct.

‐ I respected it, 'cause at least
you were fucking honest,

and that's what I need to have when we're
out there competing in the Gauntlet.

When the chips are down,
I need to know I can count on you.

So do me a favor,

strike me in the nuts.

You want me to do what?
‐ Show me your cards, Captain.

Hit me in my balls
and let me know your heart is true.

‐ I just really
don't feel comfortable doing that.

‐ No nut shot, no Gauntlet.

‐ Just do it!

‐ Ohh!
‐ Yeah!

Oh!

‐ I've never felt as close to anyone

as I do to you right now.

Can I get a cawww!

‐ Cawww!

Cawww!

Caw! Caw! Caw!

Let's do this!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the time has finally come for this year's

Gauntlet!

Which one of our brave competitors
will emerge victorious?

Now is the chance to create a memory

that you will cherish
for the rest of your lives.

To prove that you're more
than the worthless piece of shit

everyone said you were

and finally win the heart of your
longtime crush. ‐ Hags. Hags.

‐ A chance to earn
the respect of your Principal

so he'll let you take
his daughter to prom.

A chance to finally prove
to your violent twin brother

that you are no longer taking his abuse.

Teams will compete in three rounds
of morally questionable events.

At the end of round three,

the two teams with the most points
will face off in a sudden death match.

Whoo!

Where the winning team
will be memorialized in Binge history.

Now put your hands together for round one,

the Liquid Plumber!

Liquid Plumber!

Ready?

Set!

Binge!

Now this is easy.

You just chug the mixture
of whiskey, Goldschlager,

hen's piss, Just For Men hair dye,

and sink water from an Arby's!

‐ Then sing The Pledge of Allegiance.

‐ Let's go, Griffin!
‐ Let's go! Come on!

‐ To the tune of the national anthem!

Playboy Legends are up.

‐ Suck it down pipe.

Let's go!

Let's go, Griff!

Oh my God!

‐ I pledge allegiance to the Flag‐‐

Ice Russians finish.

Playboy Legends finish.

‐ For the lib‐‐
With liberty and justice for all!

‐ Yes!

And team Best Friends finish!

‐ Whoo!
‐ Let's go.

Oh damn.

It's all right, buddy.

Ice Russians taking an early lead.

Best Friends having a real hard time.

The next event:
Serbian Molly Tickle Feather.

Serbian Molly Tickle Feather.

Serbian Tickle Feather.

Competition as old as time itself.

Best Friends will have
to take this next round

if they want to stay alive.

Looks like that
quick‐release MDMA is doing its job!

Andrew, we need this
more than ever, baby. Come on!

Pull through.
‐ Get him, Andrew, let's go!

‐ Whoo!

‐ Hey.

Hey, Seb.

‐ What?

‐ Nothing.

‐ Pull his arm, Andrew. Pull his arm!

‐ I love you.

‐ There's a lot a deep meaningful
conversation happening down there.

‐ I love you too, bro.

‐ I've been waiting my whole life‐‐

No!

It's a close Gauntlet
out there, folks.

Ice Russians and the Criminals
neck and neck.

Team Best Friends
is nearly eliminated at this point.

The only thing that can change
the dynamic of the Gauntlet

is the Valleymen round.

‐ It's convenient? Sure.
But what do you want from us?

We don't make the rules.

‐ We're gonna need a miracle
to win this thing.

Alligator Donut.

This is life or death
for team Best Friends.

And since it's the Valleymen round,
it actually is

life or death!

And for that reason, it's worth
more points than any other round.

But remember, guys, if there's a death,
no points are awarded.

‐ This is our last shot
at making the finals.

‐ This is why we play the game.

Now, Valleymen,

assume the donut.

‐ Now, Valleymen, assume the Purple Drank.

Now, Valleymen,
assume the spin.

‐ Oh my god!

Now, Valleymen,

assume the gator!

‐ The donut must stay
on the gator's head for five seconds.

‐ Good luck!
‐ Now be careful,

he hasn't eaten in a week
and he's been listening to EDM all day.

He is super hyped up.

Ready.

Set!

Binge!

‐ Take your time, Pantera, you're good.

‐ Oh‐kay!

If the donut stays
on its head till the count of five,

the game is over.

‐ Mark, place that fucking donut
on its head.

Ice Russians place the donut.

‐ That's what I'm talking about.
‐ Five,

four, three, two, one!

‐ What?

Where did it go? BOOMER:
What the fuck happened to the donut?

El Pantera has the donut!

‐ Yes! Yes!

That's why
they call him El Pantera.

Wait, can he do that?

Pantera!

- Pantera!
- He can.

- Pantera!
- You got this, Pantera.

‐ You got it, Pantera. Here we go.

If the Best Friends can take this,
they'll be in the sudden death round

with the Ice Russians.

‐ Sixty seconds remaining.

‐ Come on, Pantera.

‐ Dad, be careful.
‐ Lena, quiet.

You're gonna scare the gator.

We talked about this.

‐ When?

‐ Yeah!
‐ Five,

four, three, two, one.

El Pantera wins
the Valleymen round

and puts team Ice Russians
and team Best Friends neck and neck.

We'll see both of these teams
in the final round

for all the marbles.

Cocaine Scarface.

You have three minutes
to snort as much cocaine as possible.

But if you pick your head up at any point,

you have to do your best Al Pacino
in Scarface impression

until you go back to snorting.

‐ The Gauntlet Win will go to the
team with the most coke snorted

and the best Pacino'ing.

Come on, Hags, you got this.

Let's go, Hags!

‐ Okay.

Ready!

Set!

Binge!

Say hello to my little friend.

‐ Yeah!

‐ Oh yeah, I'm... I'm Scarface.

I mean, look at my big ass scar
on my face.

I look just like him.

‐ Hags, have you ever seen Scarface?

‐ Yes, I've seen Scarface!
‐ Then do Scarface!

All I have
in this world is my word and my balls,

and I don't break 'em for no one.

‐ I have nipples, Focker. Can you milk me?

‐ That's Robert fucking De Niro
from Meet the Fockers.

‐ Dumbass.

You know what a chazzer is?

It's a pig who don't fly straight.

‐ How does she know so much Scarface?
She's just crushing it.

‐ Who hasn't seen Scarface?

‐ I am the best Scarface
from here to Pelican Bay!

‐ I mean, you do a great Denzel,
but we're not doing Denzel right now.

‐ Kong King ain't got nothing on me!

‐ Get your head out of your ass, Hags.
‐ Yes, sir.

‐ Time is almost up.
‐ Oh my god.

‐ Dig deep, Hags. Here we go.

Push it to the limit, Hags!

‐ I'll have what she's having.

‐ Fucking dork.

‐ You gotta make your life matter.

Tonight we become legends, Griffin.

We become legends‐‐ become legends‐‐

Gauntlet legends.

What I wouldn't do to be up on this wall.

‐ Thank you, Quan.

Quan. Quan.

What're you lookin' at?

Hmm?

You're all a bunch of fuckin' assholes.

'Cause you don't have the guts

to be what you wanna be.

You people just know how to hide,

how to lie.

But see, me, no,

I don't have no problems.
I don't have those problems.

'Cause I always tell the truth.

Even when I lie.

So say goodnight to the bad guy!

Because you'll never

see a bad guy like me again!

Team Best Friends
have won the Gauntlet!

‐ We did it! We won!

I'll have what she's having!

And with that,
another Binge has come and gone.

Tough lessons, the kind only
experience teaches, have been learned.

With a little diligence,
this initiative can work.

It can strike fear, it can take lives,

but it can also save them.

So until next Binge,

stay alert, stay vigilant

and for heaven's sake, suck it down pipe.

Wow!

Lena, you look

- so amazing.
- What?

I just woke up like this!

‐ Do you want me to put this on?
‐ Yeah.

‐ I'm proud of you.

‐ I'm proud of you too, Dad.

‐ All right, get out of here.
You two look great.

‐ Thank you.

Come on, Griffin!

Griffin! ‐ All right, guys,
this is our stop. This is our stop.

Everybody relax.

‐ You guys have fun!
Watch your speed limit in that thing.

‐ Yes, sir.
‐ Sarah, I love that hair.

It's crazy. Double bag it for me, Quan.

Andrew, nothing weird about you.

Kimmi... fantastic.

‐ Are we really riding this the whole way?

‐ This is the PromCycle. This thing fucks.

Let's go! Full speed ahead.

Time is wasting.

Come on, Lena.
Put your, put your thighs in it.

I am!

‐ Who paid for the Fantas?

‐ Future boo.

Nooo!

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