All language subtitles for Shameless s11e02_English

Hey, back up.

What do I look like,
the information lady?

Hell, no.
I'm a law enforcement officer,

emphasis on the enforcement.

You need to know what happened
last week on Shameless?

Better go find someone
who actually gives a shit.

rock music

[insistent knocking]

[Kev] City of Chicago says

all bars are closed
until further notice.

Hail, 'rona survivors!
Where is everyone?

The mayor shut us all down
again on Tuesday.

Well, who the hell
can keep track?

[Lip] I made
a big mistake, son.

I rented this house
without asking

your mommy first,

and now I'm basically
her bitch.

[Frank] Holy shit!

What the hell is that?

[Veronica] Hands off, Frank.

We're not offering credit

on cannabis products.
Payment up front only.

Debbie needs her share
of the utilities.

Want me to get
some shitty-ass

minimum-wage job like you,

hauling boxes
around a warehouse?

[Ian]
What the fuck is this?

I go and get our money,

all I find is IOUs.

You spent all our money
from the wedding?

Did you eat all the brownies?

I had three,

and Tommy had four.

We were hungry.

With the loss of
so many officers to the 'rona,

the bosses are willing
to put you on the street.

It's not a tough call
to give you a badge.

Busting heads
is a man's job,

and you are a natural born
ass kicker.

[grunts]

[Ruger]
Congratulations, Gallagher.

You're gonna get to be one
of the best of the best,

a goddamn Chicago
police officer.

Thank you, sir.

rock music

Think of all
the luck you got

Know that
it's not for naught

You were beaming
once before

But it's not like that
anymore

What is this downside

That you speak of?

What is this feeling

You're so sure of?

Round up
the friends you got

Know that
they're not for naught

You were willing
once before

But it's not like that
anymore

What is this downside

That you speak of?

What is this feeling

You're so sure of?

rock music

Watch out, crackheads.
Coming back for you later.

Making a mental note
of your face, shitbag.

Watch it, ladies.

Might haul your asses
down to the station.

Yeah, that's right.
You're looking at the po-po.

First day on the job.

My birthday!

Wake up!
[knocks]

Wake up!
I'm five!

[Lip] Hey, hey.
Look who it is.

The birthday girl.
[sniffles, sighs]

Presents?

Oh, no, no.

It's not like Christmas,
Franny.

You're gonna get your presents

tonight at your party.

Oh.

Hey.

Come on.

Let's go make some breakfast,
huh?

[whooshes]

Whoof!

Go sit!

Yo, what up?

Why'd you guys
sleep here last night?

Oh, the fumes at our new place

from resurfacing the bathtub.

Good morning, Franny.
Happy birthday.

Thank you.

[Lip] These up for grabs?

- No, don't touch.
- Why?

I'm gonna sell them for cheap
to the lunch debt kids.

What's a lunch debt kid?

[Liam] Kids who run out
of money on their food account.

Can't eat the hot lunch
till they pay up.

Is that even legal?

Don't public schools
have to feed the kids?

Yeah, but the lunch lady
serves them gross shit

like stale bread,

government cheese,
chunky pudding.

So you're capitalizing
on the misfortunes of others

by selling them
your peanut butter sandwiches?

The American way.
See you.

Hey, there's
my sweet birthday princess!

Who is five today?

- Me!
- [Debbie] You? Ah!

I don't know!
She looks like a big girl.

Did you grow overnight?

Are you sure you're not 15?

I am!
I am!

[Sandy] Yeah, I knew you were.

Are you excited
for your princess party?

I hate princesses!

What?
No, you don't.

I'm with Frans
on this one.

Hey, no.
I invited your entire class.

There's gonna be
a bouncy house.

We're gonna get
a bunch of decorations

at the dollar store.
It's gonna be great.

Hey, can I tag along
to the dollar store?

- Sure.
- Homeboy needs more diapers.

- Is that me?
- Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, birthday Franny.

Hey, look what I got you
from work.

They let us keep stuff if it's
past its expiration date.

There's so much stuff
that just gets

thrown away into a dumpster.

Oh, great job, man.
Free old cereal.

[Ian] Yeah, at least I have
a real job.

Get off my back.

Hey, Debs,
I'm finally gonna get

my first paycheck later,

so I can start paying
for my part of the bills.

- [Debbie] Great.
- Wait, what?

I didn't plan on supporting
a husband.

You gotta pull your weight.

I told you, I am still
on my honeymoon.

We need money for food, rent.

Great.
I could go get money

in 30 fucking seconds.

Legal money.

Look, they're hiring
over at my warehouse.

You could go over there today
and apply.

Thanks, no thanks.

All right, if you don't get
a real job today,

you're not getting
any more sex.

[Lip] Whoo-hoo!

[Mickey] Oh, no, please.

I don't give a shit, man.

I don't need
your disgusting-ass dick.

[laughter]

Ah, you guys been married what,
like, 50 years now?

- 5-0!
- Oh, fuck, it's the cops!

- Hey, I'm unarmed!
- Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Ha, ha, ha, very funny,
assholes.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'ma go load

these bad boys up
with armor-piercing rounds

so I can keep
the mean streets safe

for fuck-heads like you guys.

Watch out, Chicago!

You're going down.

- Here you go, Kerm.
- Thanks, Kev.

May there be many more
where this comes from.

[knocking at door]

Hey, Tommy.

Kev.

Kermit.

Tommy.

Why are you two sitting
so far apart from each other?

- Social distancing.
- Take a beer, Kev.

Yeah, sure, of course.

[Veronica] Okay, call me
when you have more.

Elijah from the dispensary

doesn't have weed either, Kev.

Shit.

Whole city's run out.

Another symptom
of economic anxiety:

everyone's self-medicating.

Why are you two sitting apart?

- No reason.
- Nothing.

[quietly] I think
they're having a fight.

A fight?
About what?

[Kev] Saying something
under your breath means

"keep it quiet."

[Frank] Hello!
I'm here.

Oh, Frank!

You gotta use the secret knock.

Oh, sorry.

Top of the morning to you.

So what you got for me
to sample today

in the wonderful world of weed,

Master Kev, Mistress V?

What are--why are you guys
sitting so far apart?

One of you fart or something?

- Just because.
- Stop asking.

Jesus, fine.

Sit in your own stank,
for all I care.

[Veronica]
They won't tell us either.

Oh.

Where are the goods?

[Veronica] Sold out.

Impressive.

But our suppliers
are out of product now.

Ever since the 'rona,
there's been a rush on weed.

They were not prepared
for the demand.

- Everyone's out.
- It's a blessing in disguise.

- Pot is dangerous.
- Amen to that.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

That's impossible.
There's no such thing

as a rush on weed.
It's in abundance.

There's
three different dispensaries

- we use for our product.
- [Kev] They're all out.

Dispensaries?

You know what kind
of a markup they've got?

I can get you more product.

Where?

Yeah, illegal shit.

Marijuana's
basically just a weed.

The government has
no more right

to regulate it
than they do sunflowers.

Or making us wear masks.

Exactly!

Don't worry.
I can get you more product.

We can go in on this
together, partners.

- Yes.
- No!

[whispering] I am not going
into the weed business

with Frank Gallagher.

Frank Gallagher's
the best person to go

- in the weed business with.
- Shh.

I was whispering so that
means to talk quietly.

Well, now you know
how it feels.

Veronica, I understand
your reluctance.

I would feel the same
if I were going

into business with me.

May I suggest we do
a trial run today?

Give me a chance
to prove myself.

I will find you weed,

I will teach you how to make
the best edibles in the city,

and then I will help you
sell those edibles

at a premium.

I was born to do this.

I've been training for it
my whole fucking life.

Frank Gallagher really is
an illegal drug connoisseur, V.

Fine, a trial run
just for today.

Elijah should have
some legal product in stock

in a couple of days.

You will not regret this.

- [sprays disinfectant]
- Oh.

[laughs]

Nah, it's...

brassy music

[applause]

[Tipping]
Look at those virgins.

This is the freshest meat
I've ever seen.

[Simmons]
Yanez, over here.

I'ma Denzel Washington
your ass today.

Officer Tipping,
Carl Gallagher.

I believe I'm your partner.

Stand down, son.
No need for formality.

- Bring it in.
- Uh, really?

We've all been tested.
You wouldn't be here

if you were positive.
Now bring it in.

[patting]

Welcome to the Chicago
police force.

[tires screeching]

- [engine turns over]
- [siren wails]

[Lip] All right, first thing
we're gonna do:

we're gonna open up
all the windows,

air out the house.
That way, we don't inhale

any of the fumes.

It's a good idea, right?

"Yeah, Daddy.
You're brilliant."

I know.
Then we're gonna count

all the mismatched
light switches,

see which ones
need to be replaced,

and I need you
on bathroom tile duty.

Think you can do that for me?

Go through and see
where I need to add more grout.

"Yeah, Daddy."
You can?

Well, that's great.
Thank you so much, buddy.

What the actual fuck?

[applause on television]

[Drew Carey]
Now you're probably wondering,

"Why do they call it
'More or Less'?"

- Here's why.
- [contestant] Okay.

[Drew Carey]
We're gonna start off

with these wireless speakers,

four of them.

$450.

Is the actual price

more or less than $450...

Who cares how much
the speakers cost?

Just steal 'em.

[TV character] Is--
is this a problem?

Okay.

[TV character 2]
I won't tell if you won't.

[Mickey] Shit, yeah.

[laughs]

Oh, come on, man.
I need more time than that.

What are you doing
sitting on the couch?

Watching TV?
Wasting your life?

I'm not wasting my life.

Do you even have a job?

Do you have a college degree?

No, you don't, do you?
Why not?

'Cause everything's
an excuse with you, isn't it?

Why don't you mind your own
fucking business, Jerome?

"I'll apply to school
next year."

What's wrong with right now?

Stop disappointing
the people you love.

Get off the couch

and go make something
of yourself.

All--all right, okay.
Fuck.

[Jerome] Consider me
like your guardian angel.

Fine.

You can thank me later.

Now call or email us today.

- Do it!
- Shut the fuck up, Jerome.

This stuff's all expired.

Toss it in the dumpster.

[Spanish music playing]

Those guys have it made, huh?

Sitting on their asses all day.

[George]
You're telling me.

You know they make
ten bucks more an hour

than we do, don't you?

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

How do I apply to be
a forklift driver?

[George] Well, you don't,

unless you're Black,

or you're Mexican,

or you got a twat
between your legs.

You got a twat
between your legs?

Uh, not the last time
I checked.

The days are over
when guys like you and me

got all the opportunities
for advancement.

Sucks to be a white male
in America these days.

Life Saver?

- Huh?
- Wintergreen.

Yeah, sure.
[clears throat]

So I made a list
of everything that I saw

in my neighborhood
this morning.

Lot of illegal activity.

Guns, drugs, car theft.

You ever bite one of these
in the dark

using your back teeth?

- Excuse me?
- The Life Saver.

Uh, no, not that I know of,

but I was thinking that
we could drive by the area.

You know,
there's still probably

a lot of activity going on.

Maybe bust some heads

and drag some bangers
down to the station.

Makes a spark

when you bite the Life Saver
in the dark.

I do it for my kids sometimes.

They get a real kick out of it.

- You have kids?
- I'm 19.

[Tipping] About when I started.

I have a 17 year old
gonna start community college,

and twin eight year olds
with the second wife.

She's not much older than you.

You wanna check this out, sir?
You know...

take a look at the list
for yourself?

Well, if you bust a right
down here on Cermak,

go down about three blocks,

you still might see some
of those guys--

Let me share some things
with you, Carl.

I've been on the police force
15 years.

Do you know how many times
I've been shot?

I don't know.
Five?

Zero.

Wait, you've never been shot?

Never been shot,
never shot at.

You know why?

I don't leave the car.

Seriously?

Personal safety
is no joking matter.

What if something's going on
out there,

like, you know, the street?

Carl, we can do more
for the neighborhood

by staying right here
inside this car

and being a presence.

So you're not gonna do anything
about those prostitutes

over there?

[Tipping] Do you see blood?

- No.
- Anyone crying,

begging for their life?

Not that I can see.

[Tipping] Then we let them know
we're here...

[honks horn]

...and we go on our way.

[sighs] Okay.

Another Life Saver?

Are we seriously gonna buy
illegal weed

from some random dude
on the street?

They're not random.

That's Scotty in the beanie.

Lori L. on the stoop.

That guy doing ballet
over there

probably has some good stuff.

[Frank] Who, Herman?

Yeah, his product isn't bad,

when he has it.

Usually by mid-morning,
he's smoked it all up.

On disability.
Got hit by an Uber.

Tiny Tod over there
has the cheapest weed,

but it's mostly stems.

I don't know about this.

These folks aren't doing
any harm.

It's the
law-abiding rich people

who decided
to legalize marijuana

who are messing up a system

that's been in place
for decades.

Trust me, these folks
have good product.

upbeat music

Let's buy from Gina.

[Kev] Who, Twitchy McGee?

[Frank] Exactly.
She's jonesing.

Probably H.
She's desperate.

Has to score soon,

so she'll want to make
a quick sale.

[car alarm wails]

All right, I'm going in.

Cash, please.

Better not run away
with our money, Frank.

Veronica, please.

This is good.

This'll probably get us
four ounces.

Then back to your place.

We'll cook up some goodies.

What happened?

We never talked
about our split.

What split?

As business partners.

Temporary business partners.

I think 50/50's fair.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Fuck that.
There's two of us

and one of you.
A three-way split.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Got yourselves a deal.
Partners.

Go get 'em, tiger.

[Frank]
Gina, did you miss me?

[music playing faintly]

Ooh, they have tiaras
and magic wands.

You guys, where are you?
They have fairy dust.

[Tami] En garde!

Take that, bad guy.

Ah, this is my land.
You'll never win the battle.

[both grunting]

Get her, Franny.

I got her!
I got her!

Look, I can dress like a
unicorn princess for the party.

Huh?

Hi-yah!

- [cell phone rings]
- Oh.

Hi, babe.

Uh, your sister is going psycho
for the princess crap.

Uh, hey.
So, um, you know how you're mad

I'm spending a lot of money
we don't have on the house?

Yes.
Accept defeat, warrior!

Well, someone broke
our two front windows.

What the serious fuck?

[Lip] That's what I said.

How do we feel about
this mermaid princess look?

Uh, okay, so we gotta call
the cops.

No, the cops won't do anything
about a broken window.

We'd have to lie and tell them

there was
a murder or something.

Hey.
Why are you hitting me?

She switched sides.
Us against you now.

So I was thinking I'm gonna
change out the windows,

and, uh, I was actually
gonna replace them

- with double glaze anyway.
- [Tami] Double glaze?

They more expensive
than regular?

Okay, stop.
This is the safe zone.

I am in the safe zone.
Do not come closer.

That sounds expensive, Lip.
Is it?

A little bit.
Not much.

[Tami] Ugh, we gotta stop
hemorrhaging money.

[clattering sound]

[engine roaring,
tires screeching]

Oh, come on!

I'm just saying
we're spending--

No, no, no, I'm sorry.
I wasn't talking to you.

[grunts]

Someone just dumped
a bunch of trash

in our new yard
and in our planters.

Why?

I don't know.
I don't see anyone.

It must've been
some punk-ass kids.

I gotta put a sign up,
let people know...

[shouting]
...a Gallagher lives here!

Then they won't mess
with us anymore.

[Tami, incredulously]
Yeah, okay.

Um, how's Fred?

Oh, uh, good.

Good.
Happy. Good.

I gotta go.
Bye!

- Bye.
- [Debbie] Okay, I found it.

I'll be a fairy princess
for the party.

Isn't this the perfect dress?

So you worked five years
at Home Depot,

three at Lowe's,

and served two active duties
in Afghanistan.

- Yep.
- Impressive.

[clears throat]

Oh, shit.

Whoops.
Uh, you forgot to put

your Social Security number
on the application.

Yeah, it's, uh,

three...seven...22.

That's only four numbers.

How many is it supposed to be?

Why don't you just
text it to me later?

- Yeah.
- So Mr. Milkovich,

let's do a little role-play.

Oh, I'm not
into that shit anymore.

I got married.

[laughs] No, no.
Professional role-play.

- Oh, yeah.
- [interviewer] Let's say

you're working at the register.
[clears throat]

I'm a customer who comes in,
and I wanna return a saw.

What are some questions
you might wanna ask me?

Okay.
Uh...

How many times you use it?

Where'd you steal that from?

You think you can scam me?

[shouting] You think
I'm fucking stupid?

Is there blood on that shit?

Uh, not exactly
what I was looking for.

Hey, okay.
You know, hey.

I-I'm really good at scaring
the crap out of people,

so I can say whatever
you want me to say

so people stop returning shit.

Good--good to know.

Maybe dealing directly
with the customers

is not the best job for you.

Look...

I-I really want
to make it work here, so...

W-w-what are they doing?
Can I do that job?

Oh, yeah.
Inspecting the expiration dates

on our stored food supply.

Anything doesn't meet
our high standard of freshness

is disposed of.

- So thrown out?
- [interviewer] That's right.

Why don't you just tell me
a little bit more

about yourself?

What assets do you think
you bring to the workplace?

Bro, I can bring whatever

you fucking want
to the workplace.

I got, like...
What--what do you need?

Glocks? Nunchucks?
Fuck, I got bayonets.

I got whatever you want.
I got you--

or I know who does, okay?

I'm--I'm sorry, Mr. Milkovich.

I don't think this job's
the right fit for you.

What do you mean?
I...

You know what?
Goddamn right, it's not.

I don't need to be out here,
making minimum-ass wage,

tossing out
perfectly good food,

getting blisters
all over my hands

so I can clock out
with a bunch of fucking bozos,

go home smelling
like a rotten fucking pig.

This is your fault
for making me do this shit.

Fuck you, and fuck you,

and especially fuck you.

Shake that...

[Tipping] Ass for me,
shake that ass for me

Come on, girl

Shake that ass for me

Shake that ass for me

Come on, girl, shake

That ass for me

Shake that ass for me

Okay, it's your part.

I'm a menace, a Dennis,
an oral hygienist

Open your mouth for about
four or five minutes

Take a little bit
of fluoride with it

Swish but don't spit it

Swallow and I'll finish

[dispatch] Attention,
all officers.

[quietly] Thank God.

Damn, we almost got through
the whole thing.

That song makes me feel
kind of badass.

- You too?
- Uh, sure.

[dispatch] Attention,
all officers,

we have a 312 in progress.

- 700 block of Riverside.
- Hell yeah.

[dispatch] Convenience store
robbery.

Four suspects,
armed and dangerous.

Any and all officers
in the area, please respond.

It's go time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, cowboy.
What are you doing there?

Have you learned nothing today?

We're so close.

No, no, no, there's officers
much closer than we are.

We're, like, two blocks away.

I've seen this before.
By the time we get there,

someone will have gotten shot,

and Homicide will take over
the case.

So let's just stay
out of their crime scene.

But it's our duty
to take the call.

Trust me on this one.
We're partners.

Need to stick together,
be a united front,

have each other's back.
Okay?

Okay.

[Tipping]
You'll thank me one day.

Fucking bored shitless.

Now can we get back
to our song?

Girl, shake that ass
for me

Shake that ass for me

All due respect, Veronica,

your brownies were awful.

Really?

Did you fry the marijuana
in butter first?

No, she didn't.

What difference does that make?

It's the difference
between a ghetto pot brownie

and a culinary delight.

By frying the weed,

you activate the cannabinoids.

reggae music playing

Here, stir this for me,
will you?

Also, the lipids in the butter

bond with the weed to form

the perfect cannabis infusion.

Yeah, V.

Now, let's see
how our first batch looks.

Oh, yeah.
[laughs]

[Kev] Oh, those smell amazing.

Eh?

Kev, my fine feathered friend,

I need you to cut
that pan of brownies

into two-by-two squares.

Each square has to be
equal size and shape.

I want ten perfect brownies.

Aye-aye, captain.

That's $200 worth of heaven
right there.

$200?

That's, like, a lot of money
for each brownie.

20 bucks a brownie, Kev.

Holy shit.

The going rate is ten, Frank.

Nobody's gonna dish out 20.

That's because no one
has tasted

Frank Gallagher's masterpiece

of psychedelic goodness yet.

I'll speak the truth
even if you never understand

rock music

Hey, Kendall.
What can I do you for?

Back up.
Keep your distance.

What's up?

Can't eat this crap
the lunch lady gave me.

How much for
a peanut butter sandwich, Liam?

Donations only.
Whatever you got.

Um...

stole this Red Bull
from the corner store.

That'll work.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is not an open-air market.

It is a liability
for you to sell food

on school property.

That's mine.

I'm not selling it.
Donating it.

Well, you can't do that,
either.

What, share my lunch?

No.

So it's okay
for these underprivileged kids

to starve
because they don't want

to eat the slop you give them?

Until they pay
their lunch debt,

that's all they get.

Now close it down.

Sorry, everyone.

Loraine won't let me donate
sandwiches to you anymore.

- [student] That sucks!
- [students booing]

I know, I know.

It hurts me just as much
as it hurts you.

I didn't grow up
with money, either,

but ever since
I was a little kid,

it's been my passion
to give to those

less fortunate than myself.

- [child ] Yeah!
- [child] You're the man, Liam.

Please.

If I had extra money,

I'd give it
to all my friends here

so they could buy hot lunch,

but since I don't,

I thought the next best thing
would be

is to donate food
from my family's kitchen.

- [crowd cheering]
- [student] Yeah, Liam!

Please, please, please.

I'm just one man
trying to make a difference.

I won't take up
any more of your time.

- [students cheer]
- [student] Bye, Loraine.

[student] Go, Liam.

Now, who wants a sandwich?

This one is when the twins
dressed like salt and pepper

for Halloween.

The condiments,
not the hip-hop group.

You do realize people
just keep photos

- on their phone now, right?
- [stomach rumbles]

Ooh, I got some rumbles
in my tumbles.

You hungry?

For police action.

What about for eggplant pea?

Best this side of Milwaukee.

- I guess.
- Let's do this.

[clears throat]
Dispatch,

this is Officers Tipping
and Gallagher.

[dispatch] Go for dispatch.

A concerned citizen
just stopped us...

What are you talking about?
We've been at--

...and reported
a suspicious person

over on Hemlock Street.

We're gonna investigate.

[dispatch] Copy that.

Report back your findings
and if you need backup.

Will do.

What the hell
was that all about?

Buys us more time for lunch.

Eggplant pea, here we come.

So let me get this straight.

We don't respond
to real crimes in progress,

but we do respond
to fake crimes

that aren't even happening?

You're getting the hang
of this.

This is so
not what I signed up for.

Your tum-tum will thank me.

[Mickey] Right on time.

rock music

Nice truck, fatty.

Ding Dongs for a ding-dong.

Ugh, smelly fucking fat-ass.

I'm gonna get pinkeye

from all the farts
in this thing.

- [engine turns over]
- Ugh.

Jack-fucking-pot.

Later, Jabba the Hutt!

[truck driver] Hey.
Hey, hey!

Hey, get the door for me,
would you, Val Kilmer?

[yelps]

Asshole!

Did you and Tommy
get in a fight about something?

- Just drop it.
- Oh.

He owe you money?

Has for years,
but that's not it.

What, did you wreck his car?

I wish it were something
so simple.

[knocking at door]

- Yeah?
- Hi.

We heard
you're selling edibles here,

and we were told to ask

for the marijuana magician.

Come on in!
He's right here.

I'll show you to him.

Didn't catch your names.

Barry, and he's Ryan.

Sure.

The one and only Frank.

Have a seat, gentlemen.

How can the Frank
help you today?

Selection looks impressive.

So what do you have here?

[Frank] I've arranged
my products

in descending order of THC.

Starting here at the top tier,

I call this "Can't-Get-Off-
The-Couch Cookie."

- [Barry] Yowza.
- I don't want that.

I still need to do work
every day.

Uh, you and me both, brother.

Continuing down the line,

we reduce the THC
until we get

to the bottom shelf

and our homemade suckers,

which are basically all CBD.

What do you think is best
to give me a buzz

but also help my sciatica?

I would stick somewhere here
in the middle.

These chocolate walnut brownies

have the perfect amount of THC

to give you a little euphoria,

and the CBD

to relieve that pain
in your ass.

Should we get two?

We're going to that foam party
this weekend.

Let's make it four, then.

[Frank] Four it is.
If you would pay

my sales clerks behind the bar,

I will bag these up for you.

[Kev] Excellent, gentlemen.

Four brownies.
So that's, uh...

[Veronica] $80.

Well, this is fucking vile.

Morning, Lip.

Hey, Marsha.
How's Georgia doing?

Got into a bowl
of butterscotch candy

I have out for guests.

Didn't you?
Ate the wrappers and all.

That right?

I'll be picking up
poopy candy bits for days.

Hey, uh, you didn't see

who did any of this,
did you?

What?

Oh, broke my front window,

you know, put all this trash
in the yard.

I thought the house
was always like this.

Yeah, when Mr. Shaw lives here,

but I've been trying
to fix it up.

You buy the place?

No, just renting.

Spending a lot of money
if it's not yours.

Yeah, well, I want
some nice things in my life

for a change.

Well, good for you.

- Thank you.
- [Fred] Da-da.

[laughs]

Hey, Marsha.

You see any punk-ass kids
running around here,

you let me know?

You got it, Lip.

Thanks.

Thanks, Ma.

Of course, sweetie.

Oh, that's Arthur

on his honeymoon
with his first wife, Nadine.

Oh, you people sure are
into hard copy photos, huh?

[laughs]
I loved Nadine.

I really do miss her.

[Tipping]
Ma, she cheated on me,

with five different
police officers--five.

Well, she certainly had a type.

You gotta give her that.

Oh, Carl, can I give you
another serving?

Oh, no, Mrs. Tipping, I--

Oh, Rhoda.

You're part of the family now.

Okay.
Uh, no thank you, uh, Rhoda.

I'm not too big
on heavy lunches.

Besides, we gotta get
back out to the streets.

Oh, right, right, right,
right, right.

Thanks for reminding me.
[clears throat]

Dispatch, come in, please.

[dispatch] You've got dispatch.

This is Officer Tipping.
Officer Gallagher and I

have located the suspect,

and we are now proceeding
with questioning.

[dispatch] Copy that.

I am so proud of you, Arty.

- Oh, both of you.
- Mm.

[chuckles]

Mm.

Family.

[Rhoda] Goodbye, boys.

You know what I like to do
after a big meal?

Oh, I don't know.
Do your job?

Catch some rapists?

Take a nap
over at the Best Buy.

Have you ever sat in one

of the massage recliners
they have there?

No, but I'm sure I will now.

My lower lumbar
could really use some kneading.

Dispatch, the suspect
has directed us

to an abandoned house

that has a suspicious smell
emanating from it.

Officer Gallagher and I
will investigate further.

[dispatch] Copy that.

[Debbie] Hey, it's starting
to look

like a magic castle in here.

[Tami] Or like a Care Bear
took a giant shit.

Or Strawberry Shortcake
fucked My Little Pony.

Yeah, or Glinda the Good Witch

just, like,
projectile vomited--

Okay, I get it.
Stop making fun of me.

This is gonna be
the best party ever.

Yeah, for you.

What do you mean?
It's Franny's birthday.

[helium whooshing]

You just seem
a little more into it

than Franny does, babe.

That is so not true.
Franny's so into it.

I mean, what little girl
doesn't want a princess party?

I never wanted one.

Me neither.

I did.

Well, that explains it.

Explains what?

Why you're so obsessed
with all this shit.

I am not obsessed.

The magic wands don't go there.
On the coffee table.

Oh, okay.
Sorry.

I just--I never got
the princess manual.

I was always into G.I. Joes
and shit when I was a kid,

so that's the kind of parties
I had.

Yeah, well, every birthday,
one of my uncles

would just get me drunk
and let me shoot his gun.

The bounce house is here!

- Yes!
- Hell yeah!

Love a bounce house.

- Whoo!
- I've never been in one.

What?

Uh, none of the adults
were sober enough

to make me a cake,
never mind

get a bounce house.

You were seriously
raised by wolves.

[generator whirring]

It's supposed to be
a princess castle.

You sure?

Paperwork says Dracula's Lair.

Oh, she's sure.

Now why would I order
Dracula's Lair

for a five-year-old girl's
birthday party?

I love it!

I need a princess castle.
Get me a princess castle.

Sorry, ma'am,
we don't have

anything extra on the truck.

[scoffs]

Well, this is
the worst thing ever.

I think it's kind of cool.
Come on!

It says "Bounce-ilvania," Debs.

What could be more fun
than that?

rock music

Okay, all bets in?

Shit.

I got nothing.
Pair of tens.

Full house.
Sorry about that, boys.

Crap.

How is it
the new kid always wins?

Beginner's luck.

Uh, yeah.

- Franklin Pierce...
- Loitering...

- James Buchanan...
- Littering.

- [Tipping] Abraham Lincoln.
- [Carl] Actual B&E.

[Tipping] Andrew Johnson.

Defacing property.

Ulysses S. Grant.

Ah, shoot, I can't remember
who was next.

- Who's the 19th president?
- I don't know.

I didn't even know
there was 19 presidents.

- Pfft.
- Ah, more loitering.

Battery.

Oh, my God, what is that?

What? Where?
What is it?

- Go time, is what it is.
- [siren wailing]

This car has a siren?

Let's move it, people!

And a megaphone?

[Tipping] Hang on, partner.

This is what I'm talking about!

[tires screech]

Go.

Put these on.

What's going on?
What's happening?

- Where are we going?
- Traffic light is out.

Good thing
we were in the vicinity.

You stand on that side.
I'll stay here.

[car horns honking]

- [driver honks horn]
- Out of the road, asshole!

Watch your star
all by yourself

Fame, but I don't die

All I want

I won't be here,
you're all--

Yo, what up, Jose?

Looking good, man.

Yeah, you too.
I'm not used to seeing

your cracker ass
on this side of the wire.

So what's this deal
you got for me?

Right here.

A dumpster?

Man, what kind of idiot
you think I am?

No, no, ain't like that.
Look, check it out.

Boom!

Damn.

[Mickey] Uh-huh.
I told you.

[Jose] Wait, what is all this?

It's food.
The fuck you think it is?

No, I mean,
where did you get it?

Difference does that make?
I got it, didn't I?

I could really use
some of this shit.

Uh-huh.

Pasta, oatmeal...

flour.

How much you want?

Hey, for you,
give you a good price.

Wait a minute.
This is expired.

- So what?
- It says 2019.

It's fucking pasta, man.
Doesn't go bad.

Yeah, well, I hate the guys
in this joint

just as much as anybody,
but I'm not trying to give them

salmonella or some shit.

Will you quit being a bitch?
Those dates don't mean shit,

and you know it.

You--you're a fucking asshole.

Hey, a'ight, man.
Whatever.

No problem.

All good.

Got plenty other cooks
out there

willing to take this off
my hands for...

oh, half what they usually pay
for their bulk items.

Charge their boss
the same amount,

and guess what?
They just pocket the rest.

peppy music

Uh-huh.
You interested now.

[laughs]

Ah, there you go.

Hmm.

All right.

There you go, Framingham.

Oh, gee, thanks.

Pretty boy.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, you want to get
a couple of drinks,

piss away our paychecks?

Ah, not tonight.
Thank you.

All right, suit yourself.

Yeah.

Hey, George.
Hey, wait up.

What's going on?

Who do I talk to about
a mistake with my paycheck?

Oh, let me see this.

What's the mistake?

Look at here.
It says I worked 39 hours.

I worked 45.
I should be getting overtime.

Yeah, that's what they do.
They dock you for lunch,

the time it takes
to go to the head,

anything to keep it
under 40 hours.

- You serious?
- Yeah.

That way, they don't have
to give you benefits.

- They get away with that?
- They do.

Oh, even at 39 hours,
the money's not adding up.

Ah, dude, they take out
all kinds of crap.

Locker fees, safety vests,
you name it.

It's usually about four months

before you're even getting
a full paycheck.

Welcome to a working man's
America, Kemosabe.

Yo, Gallagher,
how'd it go today?

Damn, what happened to you?

Broke his cop cherry.

Best day of my life.
Kicked so much ass.

- Jesus.
- Senior officers

are taking us to the cop bar
across the street.

Celebrate you tadpoles
becoming real women.

Hell yeah.
I'm in.

Hey, you not coming?

Gotta see the fam.

Yeah, don't even bother
with Lady Arthur over there.

He's allergic to fun.

Hurry up and get changed,
Gallagher.

Meet us over there.

I suggest you get
some rest, Carl.

Hey, why would I get
some rest?

We didn't do shit today.
All we did was rest.

I wanted to have
an action-packed day

like Yanez did,

not sing along to Eminem.

A security guard would've had
more fun than we did.

But I put up with it.
Know why?

Because you said we gotta have
each other's backs,

be a united front.
I was bored shitless today.

I don't care, 'cause I wanna be
the best partner that I can be.

So the least you can do
is walk across that street

and buy me a damn drink.

All right, partner.
One drink.

rock music

[all chanting "Chug"]

[cheers and applause]

Damn.

Your partner seems pretty wild.

Yeah, first I've seen that.

Oh, shit.
I think he's married.

Oh, that's okay.
Tina doesn't care.

So first day, huh?

Yeah.
What do you do?

I'm over
at the leather factory.

Mm.
Like coats and stuff?

No, not as glamorous.

We make bullet bags
and rifle slings.

It sucks.
I stink like cow shit

and chemicals all the time.
Smell me.

Uh, well...

Yeah, smell--
smells great to me.

Aw, you're sweet.

If I'm still at the factory
in five years,

I give you permission
to shoot me.

[laughs] Okay.

No, seriously.

Take that big old gun of yours
and shoot me.

And what would you rather
be doing instead?

Mm, marry a cop,

be his wife,

have a bunch of his kids.

Uh...

Don't worry, bunny.
We're just having fun.

So why'd you want to be po-po?

Um, you know,
make a difference,

do something for the community,

be a part of the solution.

- Uh, when I was a kid--
- Wanna fuck?

- Wait, what?
- Come on.

Okay.

Oh, leave it.
We'll be right back.

Your place close?

Yeah, but we're not
going there.

Me and my ex
still live together.

Randy, guard our drinks.

Let's go.

Where are you guys going?

Bathroom.
Come with?

- Want to?
- No.

Yes.
Absolutely.

I can't believe we sold
all that product in one day.

Ye of little faith.

No one even flinched
at the high prices.

Guys, weed is in my blood,

literally and figuratively.

I know the business
inside and out.

Guess you were right, Frank.

I don't hear that often enough.

We made $3,400.

- What?
- [Frank] Course we did.

Mm, mm, mm,
that's $1,133 apiece.

Take your pile.

Oh, it's been lovely
doing business with you.

Shall we do it again tomorrow?

I don't see why not.
V?

Until our suppliers
are back up and running, sure.

Excellent.

I shall see you
bright and early...

and by that, I mean noon.

[laughter]

And I liked helping you out
today

with your emergency,

but the trial run is over.

From this point
going forward,

the cut will be 60/40.
I'm the 60.

- Seems fair to me.
- No way.

I got the raw materials.
I did the manufacturing.

You were simply the retail.

Toodle-oo.

And whatever you guys
are going through,

you gotta kiss and make up.

andante rock music

[Tipping and Tina moaning]

[Tipping] Oh, God!
Oh, God!

[Tina] Feel good, baby?

[Tipping] I feel--yes,
baby feels very good.

[Tipping grunting]

Hey, can you guys keep it down
in there, please?

[Tipping] Yeah, yeah,
sure, bud.

[moaning]

My--my legs
are kind of getting wobbly.

If you put one foot
up on the toilet,

it usually works better.

[Tipping] Oh, wow,
what are you doing to me?

[Tina] Want me to stop, Arthur?

[Tipping] No, no, no.

There you go.
That's better, right?

I guess.
I'm a little distracted,

but I'm fine.

You get used
to these close quarters.

- You've done this before?
- Yeah, dozens of times.

Oh.

[Tipping]
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

Okay, I gotta stop.
I'm sorry.

This is getting
a little weird.

- [Tipping groans]
- Really?

- [heavy thud]
- [Tina screams]

What the hell?
What's going on in there?

I think he's dead.

My vagina killed him.

Whoa.

Fuck, Arthur.

[cell phone chimes]

[sighs] Shit.

Another mom said her kid
can't come to the party.

It might have something to do
with your ankle bracelet, babe.

Well, whatever.
That's too bad.

We don't need
Franny's school friends.

We'll still have fun.

Okay, everybody grab
your song lyrics.

It's time to sing
the princess song.

Kay, Franny.

Sit right here.
Kay.

Okay.

One, two, three.

[TV and ensemble]
I want to be a princess

You can be a princess

We can all be princesses

In a fairy tale

Sing and dance
and twirl around

Spinning
in a ballroom gown

We can all
be princesses

In a fairy tale

Ho, ho, ho!
Happy birthday, Franny.

Look what I bought you.
These are from me, okay?

Only me, your favorite uncle.

- Yay, guns!
- Guns!

[Debbie] That is not
a princess gift.

- Tough titties.
- Let's play!

You got it, kid.

[TV] The boys

[Mickey] Okay, shoot!

- No, no, Uncle Mickey!
- Sorry, Debs.

- [Mickey] No, no, go ahead,
go ahead, shoot me--

[Franny]
I'm gonna get you!

[Mickey] Blow my brains out,
kid. Come on.

- [Franny] Okay, okay.
- [Mickey] Go ahead.

[Franny] I got you,
you're dead! I shot you!

- [medic] Yeah.
- [medic] Watch your step.

Oh, shit.

I'm really sorry again, sir,
that you had a heart attack.

You know,
I somehow feel responsible.

Maybe you shouldn't had
all those pitchers of beer.

Well, back at it again
in the morning, right, sir?

[heart monitor speeds up]

Or maybe not.

rock music

[engine turns over]

[siren wailing]

[Tami] Oh, God.

I ate too much cake.

Oh, yeah, I didn't go anywhere
near that pink frosting shit.

[laughs]

Hey, what kind of party
you think Fred's gonna want

when he's older?

A Terminator party.

[laughs] Why?
Is that what you wanted

when you were a kid?

- Yeah?
- Maybe.

Hey!
Yo, hey, whoa!

[Tami] Whoa, what the hell?

[Lip]
Marsha?

Lip.

What, you fucked up
our house before?

The three of us.

Why?

You're making your house
look too good.

So?

Our property tax will go up.

What, because we planted
a couple flowers?

And put in new windows
and mulch,

cleaned up the trash.

People are gonna wanna do
the same as you.

White folk will drive
around the city

looking for a new place
to live,

never imagine themselves
down here.

Then they see your house,
call the realtors.

Rent will go up.

Property tax.

We've been here
our whole lives,

and now we're being pushed out.

Where will we go then?

[siren wailing faintly]

[sighs]

Franny did not like her party.

Yeah, not so much.

You were right.
I mean...

I only did this for myself.

I just--I always dreamed
of having a princess party

as a kid.

I'm sorry, babes.

Not that I would do it
differently or anything.

Really?

I mean, fuck no.
It's like,

Franny's only five.

It's not like
she's gonna remember

any of this shit.

Even if she does,
a little bit of disappointment

is good for her.

I mean, I would do anything
for that kid, but...

sometimes I just...

it's gotta be about me.

[chuckles]

[siren wailing]

Wow, it gets sketchy here
at night.

Yeah, we should probably
go home.

She's down there.
Come on.

- You sure about this?
- Fuck Frank.

Why should we give him
2/3 of our money?

'Cause he's our partner.

[Veronica]
We can do everything he did.

[Kev] I'm not sure I can make
those pineapple lollipops.

Go, ask.

[sighs]

Hey, um, how you doing?

We're looking
to, um, buy some weed--

ganja, smoke, marijuana.

- [Veronica] Kev...
- I know you?

- [Kev] No.
- Yeah, you do.

Our friend was here earlier.

I should say our partner.
Frank Gallagher?

Sorry, I don't got nothing.

What, seriously?

You know anyone else
who's selling?

Nope.

Come on,
how's that possible?

That's because I bought it all
from her...

dramatic music

...with my earnings from today.

[laughs]

- Hey, Frank!
- Hey.

I wanted to get a jump start
on tomorrow's work.

Little did I know my partners

would be going behind my back.

Just for the record,
I was hesitant about this.

I think from now on,

our cut's gonna be 70/30.

I'm the 70.

[Ian exhales heavily]

Guess the interview
didn't go so good?

Nah.
I don't do normal.

It's boring as fuck, man.

I don't want to end up
a monkey like you anyway.

Just trying to be
a mature adult.

That's all.

Well...

I, uh, like doing things
my way.

So we gonna fuck, or what?

Nope.

You didn't get a real job.

Fine by me, man.
See if I care.

In fact,

I might just jerk off
with all my money.

Yeah.
Come here, guys.

Mm...

Mm, mm, yeah.

Ooh, yeah, come here.

Suck that dick,
Benjamin Franklin.

Come on now.

Got a little three-way with--
whoever the fuck that is.

Mm, mm.
Yeah, you like that?

What if we, uh, add--

hey, fuck off,
George Washington,

cheap-ass motherfucker.

rock music

Oh, I like that.

Uh-huh, keep going.

God, money really does
buy happiness, huh?

Lying in my coffin instead

The way I feel,
I'd rather be dead

Sucking on some cherry
so red

We really have to do this?

Yes, we have to maintain
a negative curb appeal.

But I love our house.

Hey, me too.
I wanna stay in it

with you and Fred forever.

It's the pits,
it's the pits

Well,

what do you think?

Nice.

How about mine?

Wow.

That's perfect.
You did good

for the neighborhood, babe.

Anything to help our family.

Even a giant squirting penis.

Exactly.
[laughs]

Muah.

Faded like the night
in the sky

Waving at the neighbors
bye bye

It's the pits,
it's the pits

Don't look down
you stepped on shit