Original subtitles

I am Captain Missile-Toe.

- Church was nice.

- Yes.

- You look beautiful.

- Thank you.

You look nice yourself.

- Thank you.

- I have a favor to ask you.

- Oh no.

- I have just a few more presents to wrap.

Would you mind reading them a story?

- Okay, that's the least I can do

since you won't let me wrap presents.

- No.

♪ Tomorrow brings ♪

♪ Goodnight, sleep tight ♪

♪ Tomorrow's light ♪

- "'Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house

not a creature was stirring

except for Christmas zombies.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

in hopes that St. Nicholas

would soon be there. ♪ I just can't wait ♪

But little did the children know

as St. Nicholas would prepare,

a disgruntled elf named Stuffy

would ready an army to scare."

- Dad, I don't think you're reading the story right.

- Yeah, that's now how it goes.

- No, that's because you haven't heard the real story yet.

I know what really happened.

You see Santa and Mrs. Claus have a yearly tradition.

They give awards to the elves for their hard work.

This year as the elves lined up

Jolly won Elf of the Year

and Stuffy was very upset.

You see, Stuffy

was kind of an outcast at the North Pole,

known for always overstuffing the dolls.

He was pretty upset for having to work that doll station

for 10 years.

Year after year after year

he was left stuffing dolls,

never receiving any recognition for his hard work.

The only thing he ever received

was the nickname Stuffy.

Before the season began, he requested a transfer

to elf security and was denied.

His last hope was winning

that Elf of the Year Award. - Oh, I'm just so excited

for the talent show.

I think I'm just gonna do

a bunch of awesome dance moves.

- That's cool.

- What about you, Holly?

- I think I'll sing one of my favorite songs.

I'm so nervous.

- I know how you feel.

♪ And don't step on my green elf shoes ♪

♪ Uh huh don't step on my green elf shoes ♪

♪ You're gonna make Santa get the blues ♪

♪ If you step on my green elf shoes ♪

♪ World will hear ♪

♪ That Christmas is a time for everyone ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh ♪

- Mm.

- Santa says these dolls

were overstuffed and that they

never should have been wrapped.

- Let me see.

Hold these cookies.

All right, give it back to me.

Get outta here.

You're not gonna spy on me.

Don't tell Santa I have these cookies.

♪ White white snow ♪

- Hi, Stuffy.

- Hi there. I'm happy.

I found a stash of cookies.

- Well, good for you.

But Santa said that these presents

were too stuffed and that you need to re-stuff them.

- Take it back to him.

Tell him he can't have my cookies.

That's why he's doing this.

Get outta here, Happy.

♪ Like Christmas ♪

♪ No season ♪

- Stuffy, Santa said the presents

that you gave me weren't wrapped good enough

and that you need to re-wrap them.

♪ Each year ♪

- Out!

Outta here!

Move on!

♪ To miss it ♪

No one interrupts me when I eat cookies.

I've waited 10 years to get cookies.

- Hello everyone.

Thank you for coming to the North Pole Talent Show.

I'm gonna start us off this evening.

♪ We three kings of Orient are ♪ - That's pretty good.

She ain't gonna beat me.

♪ Bearing gifts we traverse afar ♪

♪ Field and fountain ♪

♪ Moor and mountain ♪

♪ Following yonder star ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Star of wonder ♪

♪ Star of light ♪

♪ Star with royal beauty bright ♪

♪ Westward leading, still proceeding ♪

♪ Guide us to ♪

♪ Thy perfect light ♪

♪ Guide us to ♪

♪ Thy perfect light ♪

Oh, oh, that's sickening.

Oh, that hurts.

Oh, that hurts my heart.

Stop it.

No one with the last name Claus

will ever beat me.

♪ What child is this ♪

♪ Who lays to rest ♪ Bad, bad.

♪ On Mary's lap is sleeping ♪

Bad.

♪ Whom angels greet ♪

♪ With anthems sweet ♪ Bad.

♪ While shepherds watch are keeping ♪

Yeah.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh, hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Aah, aah, aah!

Aah!

♪ O night ♪

♪ Divine ♪

- This one's for you, Santa.

All right, hit my music.

♪ Dear Santa ♪

♪ I call him Big Red ♪

♪ I call it how I see it ♪

♪ 'Cause he's overfed ♪

♪ Too many cookies ♪

♪ Will he explode ♪

♪ I saw him eat a whole box ♪

♪ Still with a nasty nose ♪

♪ He overeats in his sleep ♪

♪ Till his wrist gets weak ♪

♪ Before 20 winks ♪

♪ 'Cause his sleigh always stinks ♪

♪ He has mustard in his beard ♪

♪ And grease in his hair ♪

♪ If it's time to eat ♪

♪ You can count him there ♪

What? Hey.

Who turned my music off.

Hey, what?

- Boo boo!

- Big Red, where's my...

I'm the winner. - Get off the stage, Stuffy.

- I'm the winner.

- This year we have taken notice

of all of your hard work,

but there's one elf in particular

that worked extra hard.

Jolly!

- Yeah!

- Come and get your award.

- Awarded to who?

- I vow to never

stuff a doll again.

Give here.

And I'll show you what I'm gonna do with this.

I know karate.

What are you looking at?

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

How are you, Jolly?

- Stuffy stole my award present.

- We need to talk to Stuffy.

Thank you. Santa.

- Missile-Toe, did you get my transfer paperwork?

- Yeah, I received your transfer papers.

- Uh, okay.

- But Santa told me, it's not approved.

- Big Red!

He did what?

I'm sorry, Stuffy.

- We'll see about that.

- Hi, Stuffy. Why aren't you stuffing?

- I'm on strike.

- Why?

- Because I didn't win the competition.

- Well, just because you didn't win,

doesn't mean you

have to work with bad heart.

- I've worked hard here for 10 years

and I've gotten no credit.

- Maybe that's because you weren't working

with a good heart.

- You take this and you stuff it.

I'm outta here.

I need a break.

Look, Santa, you decided to raise my pay.

Thank you very much.

- No, Stuffy.

We need to address your behavior issues.

- What now, Santa?

- Jolly told me that you tried to eat her award gift

and then you kicked it across the stage!

- I didn't do that, Santa.

- Stuffy, there is no need to lie.

- Okay, I was a little upset I didn't win the award.

- This is your last chance to get off my naughty list.

- What? Why you didn't like

that song I made for you, Santa?

- No, Stuffy. It was very rude.

- Uh! The nerve of you, Big Red.

I'm outta here.

- I can't believe Stuffy did that

to your present.

- Yeah, but we should be used to it by now.

- Yeah.

Stuffy's been in a really bad mood lately.

- Of course. Isn't he always?

- Yeah, but I wish he would learn to be kind.

- I wish that too. And I wish it were soon.

But most likely he'll never learn to be kind.

Santa says that he was very naughty when he was a boy.

- Yeah, but love conquers all.

Maybe we should just go show him some love.

- You're right.

Come on.

- Hey, Stuffy, how's your day going?

- How's my day going?

Horrible.

- Wow, you have a lot of dolls to stuff.

You're really falling behind.

Stuff?

When you won Elf of the Year,

I vowed to never stuff

another doll again!

You stuff it.

I have an appointment in the bathroom.

- What's wrong, Stuffy?

- None of your business.

- Come on, you can tell me.

- Why are you always so happy?

- Because it's Christmastime

and Christmas is the time to be happy, be joyful.

- What am I supposed to do to be happy?

- Maybe you could try smiling.

Bye, Stuffy.

- Try, try smiling?

- I feel kinda bad that Stuffy

never gets to have a good Christmas.

- Yeah, sometimes I feel like that too.

Maybe we should do something for him.

- Like what?

- We could get him a present.

- Great idea, Happy.

And we can clean up his desk.

And stuff his dolls for him.

- Come on, let's get started. ♪ As we gather and smile ♪

♪ Let's think of someone else ♪

♪ Everybody needs some love and understanding ♪

♪ While we celebrate ♪ - Hey, guys.

- Great.

♪ And toast a brave new year ♪

- Won't he be surprised.

- Yeah. ♪ In time to make ♪

♪ This day we have begun ♪

♪ And we'll be glad ♪

♪ For all the world to hear ♪

♪ That Christmas is a time for everyone ♪

- Love how they decorate the Christmas tree.

It's so happy. - Yeah, yeah, me too, me too.

You know what, I've been giving it a lot of thought

and they should call it Santa Stuffy

because of all the cookies he's stuffing down his throat.

- How dare you say that about Santa!

I'm gonna tell him! - Yeah huh?

Yeah.

- Oh, Stuffy, you look so happy.

- Happy?

Let me at her, let me at her!

I'll show 'em happy.

- Well, Santa, Stuffy keeps saying

that you only stuff your face with cookies

and that you're an overstuffed tomato.

- Why is he saying those things about me now?

I do love cookies.

- He also said that you smell like a reindeer.

- This gossiping has to stop.

But I will have a talk with him.

- Okay and thank you, Santa. Bye.

- We're going to war.

Mustard for everyone!

♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love sent to me ♪

♪ Some mustard from Stuffy ♪

- Captain Missile-Toe, Stuffy has been running around,

wearing a security shirt,

squirting us with the water guns

saying, "Mustard for everyone".

- I'm so happy, I'm so happy.

This will give you something to be happy about.

- I've been shot.

- Oh, no.

Stuffy's acting up again.

Okay. We'll keep an eye on him.

- Okay, bye.

- I've never gotten a gift before.

Well.

Oh. Wow.

They say, he's the reason for the season.

Jesus, not Big Red.

Well, then that's the greatest gift anyone could have.

Wow.

♪ Finishing my shift at a dead end job ♪

♪ Playing Santa at a local store ♪

- Hello, everyone.

I brought cookies.

- Oh, yum.

- Thank you, Mrs. Claus.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Thank you for working so hard.

- And thank you. They look delicious.

- Hey, Big Bopper.

You wanted to see me?

- Ho, ho, ho, hello, Stuffy.

I heard what you said about me.

- Well, what about it, Santa?

- You said that all I do is stuff cookies down my throat

and that I look like a plump tomato.

And that I smell like a reindeer.

- You heard I said what?

I wouldn't say anything like that.

I love cookies.

- I didn't bring it to your attention

when you put laxative in security's milk.

No, I didn't say anything to you.

- Okay, okay, maybe I did say

you look like a plump tomato.

- Stuffy, instead of making toys for children

with a good heart,

you have done nothing but complain.

- You didn't get me on security.

You didn't give me the award this year.

I'm underpaid, I don't even get minimum wage.

I mean, what do you wanna do? - I have been patient

with you for years, Stuffy.

- Well what, what about it, Santa?

- You know, Stuffy,

I took you in when you were just a little boy

and no one wanted you because you were so naughty.

- Yeah, we know.

We know I'm not a real elf.

Look at this! This is what you give me.

Look at my hair and my beard.

The elves know I'm not real.

And that's why I'm in a bad mood

because I don't even know who I am.

But it's okay, Big Red. We all know who you are.

We can't miss you.

- Pride commeth before the fall, Stuffy.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to let you go.

- Dad, you can't fire me!

I'm an elf!

- Not any longer, Stuffy.

- Dad!

- Christmas is not for you.

- If Christmas isn't for me,

Christmas won't be for anyone!

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Have a Merry Christmas, Stuffy.

- Stuffy, calm down.

I got fired. - Sorry.

- That's what happened,

Missile-Toe.

I'm outta here.

You stay out of it.

- What a pity,

but we can't have division here.

- Oh, Santa.

We never had to fire an elf before.

- Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ

and we can't bring joy to the world with unhappy elves.

- Don't you think you were a little harsh with him.

- Maybe I can work something out.

- Where will he go?

- The old laxative trick.

Security will never see it coming.

Laxative time.

Hey teddy bear,

don't tell nobody.

♪ There's no time like Christmas ♪

♪ No season like this is ♪

♪ No time like Christmas each year ♪

♪ There's no time like Christmas ♪

♪ No reason to miss it ♪

♪ No time like Christmas each year ♪

♪ At Christmastime ♪

♪ When carols are sung ♪

- Happy, Stuffy's gone!

- I know, he got fired.

- No, you don't understand.

- Stuffy took the reindeer!

He stole the reindeer!

What are we gonna do?

- Get me Captain Missile-Toe at once!

- Reporting for duty, Santa.

- How did you let Stuffy steal the reindeer?

Where were your men?

- Sorry, Santa.

Stuffy switched our milk again.

- You clean yourselves up

and change your pants if you have to,

but you locate him as soon as possible.

- I'll gather my team and we'll try to locate him.

- And if you don't find the sleigh and reindeer,

Christmas will be ruined.

- We'll do our very best, sir.

- Hold on, hold on.

You're telling me that Santa has a security team?

That's not in any of the story books.

- He doesn't go advertising

that sort of thing around.

He's a military man at heart.

Santa didn't make it under the radar this long for nothing.

You can bet your candy canes he has a security team.

There's reconnaissance involved.

They need to find out what kids want for presents.

There's no magic fairy dust here.

Where was I?

Oh yes.

So the team came back empty handed.

Stuffy had escaped their grasp.

Where would Stuffy go?

What was he gonna do?

Stuffy had a plan.

What are we gonna do

about Christmas?

- We've been working so hard all year long.

- And now the children

aren't even gonna get their presents.

- This is making me so sad.

It's making you sad too, Happy,

and you're always happy.

- Double espresso.

There.

- What?

- You look like the walking dead.

- Uh! - Oh.

Wait.

That's it.

The dead.

Zombies.

Oh, that's it.

That's how I'll get 'em back.

Zombies.

I'm lost, I'm lost.

Huh.

You're gonna have Stuffy's personality, my friend.

Power on.

Yeah.

Okay.

There you go. I know it hurts.

I know it hurts, but you need to be stuffed

to full capacity.

Don't be smart with me.

Okay.

All right.

Quite a grip you have here.

All right, let it go. Let it go.

He's alive! He's alive!

They'll know that Santa's coming.

- I have a report, sir.

We found out he's creating an army of zombies.

We also heard loud music and someone rapping.

He changed locations and we are unable to find him.

- Oh no. What am I gonna tell Santa?

I have an old friend.

I can call in a favor from him.

- Hey, IQ, you wanna go

to the shooting range?

Put the book down for five minutes, man.

- Shh, I'm at the climax.

- Okay, well I'll call Snowflake.

It'll give me a reason to spend some time with her.

I'll show her who the best shot around here is.

Certainly not you. You never train, man.

I take it back.

- I don't need training.

You get 'em, boy.

You get 'em, go get 'em.

I want Captain Missile-Toe and Santa!

You get your men on this.

♪ It's like Halloween in fall ♪ Go.

♪ Every night they come to call ♪

♪ You're welcome one and all ♪

♪ As the ♪

Gunner, is this you?

- Who's this?

- Remember Christmas of 2004

when you held Santa at gunpoint

for dropping through your chimney?

- Ho, ho, ho, ho! - Get on the ground!

- Ho, ho, ho, ho. - No more, Santa!

- I'm the security captain who came to talk you down.

- Captain Missile-Toe.

Yes, I remember you.

- We have a situation.

I think you might be able to help us with it.

- What's the situation?

- A disgruntled employee named Stuffy was fired-

- What? and he stole

the reindeer and sleigh.

- Why do you need help with one disgruntled employee?

- He could be planning to come back to get revenge.

- Now you're talking my language.

- Yeah, we found this old location

and we were able to bug his building.

- Okay.

- Then he switched locations and we lost track of him.

- We'll get right on it.

- I knew I could count on you, brother.

Thank you.

- Sergeant Gunner

would have to get

his zombie outbreak response team together,

starting with his most decorated soldier,

the beautiful, the amazing,

the lone wolf, the cheese on your taco,

a mother of three daughters,

the hair that never gets messed up,

and the makeup that never smears.

- Dad, are you just describing Mom?

- Her name's not Mom.

Her name is Snowflake, Corporal Snowflake.

But yeah, she does have a striking resemblance

to your mother.

- The battle of robot bits continues, my friend.

I surely wouldn't choose the cup in front of you

because you're from New Jersey.

New Jersey is the home of the first movie theater.

They didn't have any drinks when they first opened.

But I surely wouldn't choose the cup in front of me either.

- Why not?

- Because I'm from New York

and it's home of the New York Cheese Steak.

And a cheese steak's so good

you don't take any drinks with a cheese steak

'cause then you won't taste it.

Look.

- Oh, Happy.

What's wrong?

- I'm just a little worry.

How are the children gonna get their presents

if Santa doesn't have a sleigh and reindeer?

- Oh, there's no need to worry.

Santa will take care of everything.

- Good afternoon, sir.

Thank you for coming on such short notice.

My colleague gave me your file.

I thought we could start off with maybe an introduction.

Tell me about your experience.

Start with your name.

- I Am Straight Business.

- That's good.

That is a good quality to have.

We are straight business here.

But if you can

go ahead and start with your name.

- I Am Straight Business.

- That is excellent.

That is very excellent and outstanding, sir,

that you are straight business.

I am straight business also.

Okay.

Maybe I'll just start with your file then.

It says here that you...

Your name is I'm Straight Business?

- No, I Am Straight Business.

- I apologize, sir.

Okay. Well, it doesn't matter.

Your name doesn't matter, okay?

I see that you do have the experience I need

and I need another team member fast.

We have Christmas to save and zombies to hunt.

Are you up for the task?

- Yes, sir.

- And a little word of wisdom, sir,

before we begin.

Snowflake is with me.

You keep your eyes to yourself

or you'll be fired as quick as you started.

- Yes, sir.

Snowflake.

Having a good day?

Meet your new team member.

I Am Straight Business.

I'll let you two introduce yourself,

but I'm gonna be watching

over here keeping a close eye on you two.

- Guess what, Happy.

Santa found an old sleigh in the barn

and he found a bunch of new reindeer!

- Christmas is saved after all.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

- All right, team,

it's mandatory.

Your backup weapon's gonna be a shotgun.

I say this because the new rounds are in.

Zombie stoppers.

- You know, Happy,

Christmas is all about getting presents

and playing with them.

- Actually, I don't think that's it.

The real reason for the season

is the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

- Then what's the point of giving gifts?

- Because Jesus was the ultimate gift

and the Kings gave him gifts.

So it's kinda like tradition.

- Oh, thanks, Happy.

- Aren't you a little overprotective?

I'm gonna be overprotective.

You see this ring.

I pledged myself to you two weeks ago.

Whether you like it or not, I'm all yours.

- I'm not ready.

- You're never gonna be ready.

No risk, no reward.

- Not until you can outshoot me.

- I'll outshoot you right now.

Let's go to the range.

- I need a protector.

- You already said I was overprotective.

That doesn't make any sense.

- Welcome to your first lesson on women.

I'll meet you at the range.

- That's how it's done.

- That's pretty good.

- I think I got it.

- Hold on, Snowflake.

Wait right there.

No, you don't have it.

Let me show you how a real man does it.

That's how a real man does it.

- You didn't even get close.

- Kinda close. I got on the target.

- Not close enough.

- How are you doing that?

I need another round. Give me a round.

If I beat your shot, I'm taking you to dinner.

Time for dinner.

- Not yet, cowboy.

- What do you mean?

- we take on the North Pole!

I have stuffed you for such a time as this

and together, my friends,

Christmas will be no more!

We have three mission objectives.

Three.

Number one, eat all the Christmas gifts.

Number two, anyone moving,

you will tie them up with Christmas lights.

We will hurt no one, but we will tie them up

in time to ruin Christmas.

Number three,

and the main target, something that you cannot miss,

something big, overstuffed and red

like a plump tomato,

someone of legend...

Big Red.

The old diaper himself...

Santa Claus.

Is anyone listening?

I'm not getting any feedback here.

I'll tell you

what it's about?

♪ Ho ho ho ho ♪

♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪

Now, listen up.

♪ Attack Santa ♪

♪ Let's close the North Pole ♪

♪ Check his hat ♪

♪ His danger's not so ♪

♪ I want all the cookies, all of the gifts ♪

♪ Not to get rich but to take St. Nick ♪

♪ I'll toilet paper his stocking all night ♪

♪ Ask him why his pants are so tight ♪

♪ Nothing can stop my zombie boys ♪

♪ No more Christmas, no more joy ♪

♪ No more elves, no more lights ♪

♪ Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night ♪

Charge!

- Okay, team, I'm here

to brief you on our mission.

Apparently a disgruntled employee

has stolen the sleigh and the reindeer from the North Pole.

It's up to us to save Christmas.

We have to locate him.

I have a map in my office

that shows where his hideout is.

They have wiretapped

his hideout and they found out

he's making an army of zombies.

And that's where we come in,

to do what we're good at

and that's eliminating zombies.

Meet me in my office in five minutes.

IQ, put the book down. Are you paying attention?

- Yes.

Loud and clear, Sarge.

- Really?

All right, let's hear the mission.

- We have to go on a mission

to find Santa's stolen reindeers

and sleigh.

- Snowflake.

Snowflake.

- Where is he, where's the elf?

- Snowflake.

- I'm a little busy.

- Go ahead and show me UTL.

There's no sign of 'em.

- Roger that.

- I'm heading back now.

- "But this winter, the zombies were not after brains.

They were after presents.

The elves were having to work overtime,

busy catching a new team of reindeer

and taking on all the work that Stuffy had left them.

They were full of Christmas cheer, cocoa, and song,

with everyone around them singing along.

Christmas Eve would come, everything on schedule.

When what to their wandering eyes should appear,

but 10,000 zombies

dragging near."

- Oh, I see Santa.

Santa!

Can you hear me, Big Bob?

- Hey!

♪ I see Santa, he can't hide ♪

♪ We're too ripped and we're too wide ♪

- Holly, Holly, zombies! - What, what, what?

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

Oh.

- You're not taking

Castle Claus.

- Stay calm, everyone!

Everybody to the chapel!

- Oh!

- Let's go, let's go.

- Security, prepare yourselves.

We cannot let these zombies destroy Christmas.

♪ Ah ♪

Fear God, honor Santa.

- As Moses parted the sea,

we will split

Castle Claus in half!

- Who will save us?

- Captain Missile-Toe.

- I am Captain Missile-Toe.

- Team Tiara, charge!

♪ Ah ah ah ♪

- We must all remain calm.

- Fire at will. Don't be afraid.

- Ah, where is he when you need him?

They just keep coming.

I'm running out of ammo.

- Stay calm, everyone!

- Don't worry.

You won't have to tell your mother goodbye.

- Barricade the front entrance.

- No one will ruin Christmas on my watch.

I will be back.

And y'all stay here.

- Santa!

Where are you going?

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

- Christmas will not be ruined.

Holly, Jolly, Happy, come and join us.

- Happy, you're not smiling.

- Well, I'm not smiling

because I've never experienced

anything like this in my life!

- Everyone, wait here

in the chapel.

I've got to go make sure

Santa doesn't get hurt.

- Do you think security will be able to handle this?

They're gonna need our help.

Come on.

- Wait, stay and fight. Don't run.

- Are you okay, dear?

- Santa!

What have you been eating?

You've been stress eating again.

You clean yourself up.

Wash your beard if you have to.

- Yippee ki yay, milk and cookies.

♪ Who's that behind the tree ♪

♪ They're coming for you and me ♪

♪ They just shuffle, they don't ♪

- All right, team, are we ready?

♪ They're doing ♪

It's time to go to work.

♪ The zombie walk ♪

- IQ, put the book down.

Here they come. ♪ They're assembling ♪

♪ They can't run ♪

- "Captain Missile-Toe would try to hold off

the army single-handedly

until he heard a noise behind his ear.

He turned his head."

- Move over!

- Santa?

- Do you have any more cookies?

♪ They can't run ♪

♪ Eating brains is their ♪

- What a doll.

♪ And a face like chalk ♪

♪ They're doing the zombie walk ♪

♪ Brains for dinner, brains for dessert ♪

♪ Not your liver ♪

♪ But they love your head ♪

♪ All messed up ♪

♪ They're dead ♪

Jeopardy. I gotta know this.

♪ They can't run ♪

♪ Eating brains ♪

♪ Is their idea of fun ♪

♪ Lips with blood ♪

♪ And a face like chalk ♪

♪ They're doing the zombie walk ♪

- How could she.

- Say hello to my little friends.

- I'm outta ammo.

I'm outta ammo.

♪ They're just ambling ♪

Throw me another one.

♪ Eating brains is their idea of fun ♪

♪ Lips with blood and a face like chalk ♪

♪ They're doing the zombie walk ♪

♪ Chop chop ♪

- I can't believe I don't have this!

♪ Brains for dinner, brains for dessert ♪

- IQ, what are you doing? You almost shot me.

♪ They're all messed up ♪

♪ Dead ♪

- Ah!

I've never been afraid

of anything in my life.

I only fear the Lord.

- Hee hee ha ha!

Hee hee ha!

Hello?

This is IQ.

What?

"Jeopardy"?

I can't believe it.

This has been my life's dream.

I'll get started training right away.

I have to go, Sarge.

I have to go.

♪ They want what you've got inside ♪

♪ Here's comes ♪

♪ Walking down your block ♪

♪ Well, they're doing ♪

- I have to marry that woman.

♪ The zombie walk ♪

- I Am Straight Business.

- We're dead.

- Woo woo.

- I need more ammo.

- We got a few minutes.

I got your ammo

for you right here.

Will you marry me?

- We're in the middle of war.

Are you serious right now?

- I am serious. Will you marry me?

Stay away.

I've been waiting for this day for two years.

Will you marry me?

- This is nice.

Let's see how it looks.

I accept.

- Oh.

- Ew, Dad. No romance, no romance.

- I love romance.

- The zombie response team.

- Strike team?

There's only three of 'em.

- What are we gonna do?

Our weapons are useless.

- We can't give up.

- We need to think about the children.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. - Children?

Children don't play with guns.

We need to make our own weapons.

Come on.

Only children get the presents.

♪ There's no time ♪

♪ Like Christmas ♪

♪ No season like this is ♪

♪ No time like Christmas each year ♪

- I used to have an hourglass figure.

♪ There's no time like Christmas ♪

♪ No ♪

- How you doing?

You doing okay?

- I'm out of ammo.

- Can't believe he left us.

For "Jeopardy".

- Look!

- I need more ammo here. - Help is here, Santa.

- Who are they?

- Santa Claus.

Thank you.

- Straight Business!

You're fired!

- No!

- Captain Missile-Toe, over here.

♪ They're coming to get you Barbara ♪

- We're near.

Yeah, sorry it took me so long.

♪ They're doing the zombie walk ♪

- Missile-Toe.

Missile-Toe.

- Sound the retreat.

Yes, I said retreat.

We're gonna get to higher ground.

Let's go.

- Retreat?

We don't retreat! ♪ All messed up ♪

- Get the Christmas lights.

Go get Santa. There he is!

Charge!

Now, you need eight packs of lights for him.

- You can't hurt me. I'm Santa!

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

- I'm unable.

Hands off.

- We got him!

We got Big Red.

I am Santa!

- We got Missile-Toe.

- Go on, fellas.

You wouldn't shoot an unarmed soldier, would you?

What about the Geneva Convention?

Snowflake! Snowflake.

Guess what, Sheriff?

There's a new sheriff in town

and his name isn't Stevens.

- We got 'em!

- You got what?

Stuffy's back, Jack.

- Ah ah!

- You call that a sword?

- Let me show you

how us Oklahoma boys do it.

This is how we do it in Oklahoma

when our lawn gets too high.

Heads up.

There's a present for you.

- What's your plan?

- Oh no.

I'm gonna make short work of this giant.

Let's go.

Don't let him step on you.

We'll figure it out.

No way he can get us without stepping on us.

All right, I take it back.

I was little prideful.

I was trying to show off.

I was trying to impress you.

I can't make short work of him.

He's too big.

- Give me the lights.

- All right, I have the lights.

All right, it's time to wrap him.

Are you elves okay?

Huh?

- You're not a robot, are you?

- I kinda look like a robot, but no, I am not a robot.

- It's the strike team.

I knew they'd save us.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Thank you.

- You go find someplace safe.

Go. - Come on.

♪ Ah ah ah ♪

- Call off this zombie war.

- There's nothing you can say

to make me call off my zombies.

- Stuffy.

Santa is your father.

- Big Red is my dad?

But if you truly loved me,

why haven't you ever told me?

- We couldn't tell you.

How would it look for Santa to have a naughty boy?

- Oh.

I'm so confused.

- We told everyone you were adopted,

but I'm afraid it did more harm than good.

Come to Mama.

But first, call off the zombies.

- Do I have to, Ma?

- Yes.

You're gonna fix toys from now on.

- Get your zombies to stop right now.

No more attacking.

I call it off.

No more.

I love you, Mom.

I have a mother, oh.

♪ And we'll ♪

- Oh.

I just love happy endings.

- We got 'em!

♪ Christmas is a time ♪

- I forgive you, Dad.

Gimme a hug.

- Thank you all for saving Christmas.

- Captain Missile-Toe.

- Gunner.

- Sorry we were late.

- Thank you.

- A little bit

of advice, Santa.

You keep your eyes to yourself

or you'll be fired as quick as you-

- It's Santa.

You can't say that to Santa.

He apologizes. I apologize.

- Merry Christmas, Santa.

- Merry... we're going.

- I'm stressed out.

It's been a long battle.

♪ The years ♪

- "You see, Stuffy was no longer naughty.

He finally realized who he was.

All it took was a father's love.

Just like God's love over us.

And he changed, all right.

He was happier than a jingle bell on a horse.

Anyone can change when they receive the love of the father."

- I Am Christmas.

♪ For all the world ♪

- "The following year,

he finally received Elf of the Year

and his award gift-" - Oh, oh!

- "was a security shirt."

That's right. - I love the shirt.

He finally made it

to elf security

so he could reach his full potential.

But that just wasn't it. ♪ Real excitement in the air ♪

- What gift would you like this year?

- Oh, a gift.

Thanks, Dad.

I don't wanna just be security.

I wanna be Santa.

- No, Stuffy.

- You have to, Dad,

or you don't love me.

Why do I always have to wear fake hair?

♪ So ♪ Oh!

This suit is too hot.

♪ Fa ♪

No.

♪ Peace ♪

And where did you get these gloves?

These are elf gloves.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas to all-

- "And to all a good night."

♪ Good night, sleep tight ♪

But on a serious note, girls,

Christmas isn't about zombies

and it's not about Santa.

Christmas is about the birth

of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

And he is the greatest gift the world has ever known.

Oh, and there's just one more thing.

- Stuffy's going to be Santa?

♪ Ah ah ♪

- Something just doesn't feel right about this

but I don't know what.

Stuffy is no Santa.

But I am.

- All right, everybody.

Are you ready for bed?

- He just changed the plot.

We have to hear the rest of the story.

- You'll hear the rest of the story next Christmas.

- What?

- And a little bit of advice, girls.

You go to bed on time and close your eyes

or you'll be grounded as quick as you can open a present.

♪ I don't wanna live I don't wanna live ♪

♪ I don't wanna live like a zombie ♪

♪ I gotta have a love, gotta have a love ♪

♪ Gotta have a love and a zombie never does ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Zombies never love ♪

- They have guns!

♪ Zombie movies ♪

♪ We rolled our eyes and said it wasn't real ♪

♪ Girl, the shock of losing you did something to me ♪

♪ And now I know why zombies never feel ♪

♪ Never feel ♪

♪ I don't wanna live, I don't wanna live ♪

♪ I don't wanna live like a zombie ♪

♪ Gotta have a love, gotta have a love ♪

♪ Gotta a love ♪

♪ No no ♪

♪ I don't wanna live, I don't wanna live ♪

♪ I don't wanna live like a zombie ♪

♪ I gotta have a love, gotta have a love ♪

♪ Gotta have a love ♪

♪ And a zombie never does ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ No oh ♪

♪ Zombies never love ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Zombies never love ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Zombies never love ♪

♪ Oh Santa, I need your help ♪

♪ I have no other place to go ♪

♪ My Mommy said you might know Jesus ♪

♪ And I'm hoping so ♪

♪ My best friend Sally's daddy ♪

♪ Had to go to war ♪

♪ And she's been so sad ♪

♪ She won't play anymore ♪

♪ Oh Santa, all I want for Christmas ♪

♪ Is for you to talk to Jesus ♪

♪ And watch over Sally's daddy ♪

♪ And bring him home ♪

- Did you do do it?

It won't be a happy...

- Oh yeah, funny.

- All right, ready?

- Yeah.

- That's right.

That's great.

- So good.

- Move over!

Ho ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho ho ho hum.

Hum. Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

- A little bit of advice, Santa.

You keep your eyes to yourself

or you'll be fired as quick as you started.

- You can't say that to Santa.

- Oh, you're good.

- You can't do it.

I just can't. - We have to.

Why are you laughing?

I had it. - We can't.

We can't. - All right, try it again.

I'm just gonna do Santa. - You have me.

- No, I'm just gonna be Santa, all right?

- Okay, I'm just gonna

not talk. - All right,

I'm just gonna do Santa.

Santa.

A little bit of advice, Santa.

What are you laughing for?

- And really do it

a long time, okay? - Yeah.

This is how we do it in Oklahoma

when our grass gets too high.