Original subtitles

(SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

That wasn't a store robbery.

That was an assassination.

That wasn't a clerk. That was a wise guy.

How do I know? (CHUCKLES)

I spent a little time with the FBI's organized crime unit.

I guess you could say that I'm intimately knowledgeable

with the seedy and rancorous workings of the mob

in the Midwest section of this country.

I know a gangland slaying when I see one,

and that's exactly what this baby is.

I'd look into it myself personally, but I got a date tonight.

Think I'll take the private jet out

and fly to Spain, pick up the little lady.

Do the subsonic tummy bump at 30,000 feet.

Then glide back into the U.S. of A. by dawn.

I know what you're gonna say, "Jim. Jim Dodge, settle down.

"Relax. You owe it to yourself." (CHUCKLING)

I'll tell you what I tell everybody else.

Any little Fraulein that expects anything more from me

than a little bit of pleasure and a little bit of danger

and a great set of pectorals,

she's looking for a fall right on her ass.

(YELPS)

(DOGS BARKING)

Hubie, Hubie, Hubie, Hubie!

Get out of here! Let me tell you something.

If you know what's good for you, don't you ever come back!

Wait a minute, now, Hubie.

You're not gonna find someone who has the relationship with those animals

that I do. (BARKING CONTINUES)

Listen to the dogs, Hubie. They love me!

It all started when I was 15.

That's when I invented the artificial cow heart.

Oh, that was a big thing.

A little before your time, but it made all the newspapers,

ABC, NBC, CBS, they all picked up on it,

but it's more or less a hobby for me, boys.

BOY: Scoot over!

(GRUNTS) Actually,

today I decided that I've gone just about as far I can go

in the animal health-care business.

But that's your question. The reason that I'm not at work this afternoon,

is because I was made an offer that I simply cannot refuse. I sold.

Whatcha gonna do with the cash, Jim?

I don't know. Maybe I'll invest it overseas.

I've got some projects in eastern Europe right now.

I don't know. I've got everything a man needs.

Jim, you just bought the animal hospital.

How come you sold it so fast?

Tax problem.

And here's my accountant right now.

Earl, take a bow. (LAUGHS)

20 minutes for lunch, okay? Go buy another suit.

(LAUGHS) He works for me.

He's scouting some real estate for me right now.

Yeah, but the market's real tight.

I like the new uniform, Lorraine.

You know, with the right shoes and handbag,

that might be suitable for a cocktail party.

So... Question.

When in the world are you going to start serving sashimi?

Maybe when I find out what it is.

(CHUCKLES) You've never heard of sashimi?

You've got to be kidding.

It's this special Japanese fish you eat raw.

With a little butter sauce,

and you're ready to go to heaven.

I'd hire you in a minute if I hadn't already fired you so many times.

Did you ever think of leaving town?

Thousands of people over in St. Louis...

Got no idea how full of shit you are.

You've been alive for 21 years, my friend.

Plenty of time for most people to find a place for themselves.

Well, I'm not like everybody else.

You know what I'm saying? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, that's for sure.

How about if I...

I work for you for free?

(BELL RINGS)

No.

I'm afraid not, Jimmy.

Think about St. Louis.

Hey, Josie. JOSIE: Hi.

Fill her up?

JOSIE: Fill her up.

How you doin'?

(CHUCKLES)

You got fired again, didn't you? Didn't you?

Yeah.

(STAMMERING) Who told you that?

Hubie Marshall called me at work.

He called you at work?

That's it. Okay, I'm gonna... I'll speak... What'd he say?

He said he fired ya!

He said that? And you believed him?

Damn straight I do!

With all due respect, Dad, you're Mr. Gullible, sometimes. (CHUCKLING)

The truth of the matter is, Dad, I resigned.

I'll tell you something else, Dad.

Shut up, Jimmy!

When I took the job, I had no idea

it was gonna be a hire-fire situation.

Luther Betenhauser's boy is doing much better.

What's wrong with him?

Fell off his grandfather's silo.

He's got brain damage.

(MUFFLED) He does not.

He does, too.

Hoover Fey says his tongue's gonna hang out

the side of his mouth the rest of his life.

And when he dies and they bury him,

at the funeral they're gonna put a mask on him.

Do I have to listen to this while I'm eating?

Let's talk about something else.

Josie McClellan moved to New York.

She did not. I saw her today.

Well, I don't know how you could.

I heard at the bank that she got tired of taking care of her father,

and she told him to jump in a lake,

and then she left for New York to get her MBA in high-fashion design

at the University of New York City.

I just saw her down at the gas station in living color.

We had a cup of java together.

Well, I'm gonna take Lou Selby's word over yours any day.

Lou Selby. Lou Selby's a drunk.

You know, for a guy who's just lost his umpteenth job,

you sure are handy with the tongue sword.

You got canned again?

Well, he didn't get canned.

He got fired.

That's gotta be some kind of a record.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Not only are you an obnoxious slug,

but you're a freeloading obnoxious slug.

Well, you should talk.

What are you? In your mid-forties and still living at home.

I'm 24, and I pay rent.

JIM: So do I.

You did pay rent.

Dad, you mean you're cutting my rent?

Hell, no!

You're not paying a rent 'cause you don't have a job

and you don't have any money.

You're out of school and you live in this house, you pay rent!

Jim! Yo, Jim!

Jim, wake up!

Hey, get up!

(SCREAMING) Get up!

JIM: You know, getting this job,

restoring your faith and pride in me

is a number-one priority right now, Dad.

Priority ought to be making something of yourself.

That's right up there.

When I was your age, I couldn't wait to get out of my folks' house.

I love living at home.

I don't think this is such a great place for me to work, Dad.

Okay,

say I don't get this job, hypothetically.

Are you gonna be upset?

You don't get this job, you're on a bus to St. Louis.

St. Louis?

Uncle Jeff's offered to put you to work in his garden shop.

I don't know anything about gardening.

You will learn!

I'm getting a distinct feeling that you want me out of your life.

I don't want you out of my life. I want you out of my house.

Wow. Out!

Okay, okay, okay.

MARSH: Are you sure I can't offer you a coffee and a bear claw?

JIM: (CHUCKLES) No, thanks.

(LAUGHS) They're very good, they're fresh.

No, I'm fine.

You don't want one, and I don't need one.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Right!

I love the darn things, though, I tell you.

You know, I got a sweet tooth, I could eat those things by the dozen.

By the looks of it, I have. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Right.

I tell ya, I'm so excited that you're considering

joining the Target team. We all are.

I appreciate that.

Good, then, let's cut right to the chase, shall we?

We're prepared to offer you $42,500 a year,

with a full benefit package.

That's dental, medical,

profit sharing, pension,

expense account, car allowance,

vacation, of course,

and any and all relocating expenses.

This is our first, best, and last offer. What do you think?

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

C.D., with all due respect,

I came in here

with the number 45 in my mind, and...

(EXHALES)

Hmm.

(CHUCKLING) You've got me.

(CHUCKLING)

45 it is.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

I'd like to buy you lunch.

No, no, no.

Your money's no good here. Lunch is mine, all right?

I'm not going to argue with you.

You better not. I'm bigger than you are.

(BOTH LAUGHING) (INTERCOM BUZZING)

Hang on a second, will you? I told her to hold my calls.

Get it.

Yeah, Peg. Uh-huh.

(CHUCKLING) No, it's okay.

No, he's right here with me now. (LAUGHS)

Hi, Peg. (LAUGHS)

We just closed the deal. Uh-huh.

Oh, it was a slam-dunk, too. I got him for 45.

(CHUCKLING)

No, he's right here.

What do you mean, he missed the plane?

Then who the hell am I talking to?

(SIGHS) Oh, Lord!

I'll, uh... I'll get back to you.

Hey, I know a great little Italian place

that has the best pasta primatonis in the...

Excuse me a minute, will you, please?

Lovely wife you have there.

Dodge, James?

Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHS)

James, I'm afraid we have a little misunderstanding here.

You see, I thought you came in for the, uh...

Operations Manager's job.

I have you down here as night cleanup boy.

Well, I'm a little overpaid

for night cleanup boy, wouldn't you say, C.D.? (LAUGHS)

The truth is, James, I can offer you $4.44 per hour.

Uh, four, four... $4.44...

$4.44.

What about the benefits?

Two fifteen-minute breaks and a half hour for lunch.

And the title is, uh, night cleanup boy?

Yes.

I'll take it.

Oh, and, uh, lose the curl.

Welcome to the Target team. Thank you.

BOSENBECK: So the parrot says, "Of course, I can talk. Can you fly?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

I don't want any damn Japanese automobile plant in this town.

(STAMMERING) It means jobs.

I don't need a job.

Your governor's tryin' to use my town as a political chip.

Gentlemen, I resent that.

Well, there could be some specific benefits for you personally.

ROGER: Josie!

Yeah? Come here.

I want you to meet these gentlemen from the governor's office.

Come on in here, honey.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Honey, I want you to meet Bill, uh...

Uh, Bob.

Uh, Bob Bosenbeck.

Bob.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Dave.

My pleasure, Dave.

(CHUCKLES)

Right. Dave Hockner. (CLEARS THROAT)

I don't want to interrupt your meeting.

Very nice to meet both of you.

Bye.

HOCKNER: Bye.

ROGER: (MUFFLED) Josie?

Josie!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(DOOR OPENS)

You pull another stunt like you did today,

I'll beat the livin' daylights outta you!

(PASSIONATE MOANING)

(GASPING)

All right, out!

(GIRL SCREAMING)

Out of here, man. Get out of here!

Get out of the car!

(STRUGGLING)

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CAR HONKING)

Right on time!

Everything's going as planned.

You ordered a limousine?

Of course. (CHUCKLES)

My first day at work.

How's it gonna look if my dad drives me?

A little treat to myself for getting the job.

It was only 50 bucks.

(WHISTLING)

Right on time, Henry.

Yes, sir.

Henry, the sign... (LAUGHS)

Very well, sir.

Ciao!

Hey, Jim, where are you going?

Hello, boys.

Going to Paris on an F-14.

Got a little peace meeting with the Vice-President of Bulgaria.

Business, you know? Then I'm going to Venice,

for a big spaghetti dinner with the princess of Austria.

A beautiful lady... Really big bones.

Remember to brush your teeth, Melvin!

You, too, Sidney! Adios!

Jim is so cool!

Bobby.

Got a loose tile here. First thing in the morning,

I want you to take some epoxy cement and take care of this.

I don't need a lawsuit, okay?

(CHUCKLES) I've got enough to worry about.

Who's he?

WOMAN: (OVER P.A.) Attention shoppers.

The store will be closing in five minutes.

Please bring all your purchases to the front. Thank you.

Are you a slacker?

Uh... No, uh, Presbyterian.

What did you say? What did you say?

I'm askin' you a simple question.

Are you lazy? No, sir.

'Cause the last guy that wore that uniform was a lazy slacker,

and I fired his no-good butt.

Uh... About the uniform,

will I be getting my own?

(LAUGHS) You work out, which I doubt,

you can have yourself a new name patch.

(CHUCKLES)

Eh, uh... Would I be able to have it laundered?

It smells a little bit like Darnell. (CHUCKLES)

I don't think you know who you're messin' with, boy.

Right, after you clean the ladies' and men's crappers,

I'm talking about you'd better be able to eat off those bowls.

Oh, sure. You clean my coffeemaker,

then you wax my desk.

Uh, clean what?

You clean my coffeemaker and wax my desk!

I got it!

You, uh, sweep the aisles, startin' with health and beauty,

and you work your way over to juniors and misses.

Ups and downs, leaving your debris in the cross aisles.

So I start with health and beauty...

What did I just say?

I just said to start with health and beauty, okay?

Then you do your cross aisles.

That'll bring your dustbin into play.

You take the debris. You load it into the dustbin.

You take the dustbin out to the loading dock area

and you empty it into the receptacle.

You got that? Easy as pie.

Yeah.

Now, I was employed for a brief period at Del Taco, and...

I don't care about your Del Taco experiences, boy.

All right. Now, we've got this little problem in this store with grazers.

You know what a grazer is, boy?

Is that some sort of farm term?

A grazer is a customer or an employee

that eats off the shelves, okay?

Sort of similar to a cow grazing in a field of grass.

Only this isn't a field of grass, okay, and you're not a cow.

There's no eatin'. You're not being paid to eat, so don't!

You got any questions?

Not right offhand, no.

You think you can handle it?

Oh, I'll give it the old college try.

Don't touch me!

Well, despite our age difference,

I think I'm really gonna enjoy working with you.

Let's get something straight, boy. You ain't workin' with me.

You're working for me. (EXCLAIMS)

Still, I think it's gonna be fun being around you.

Yeah, I ain't gonna be anywhere near you.

I'm gonna be home pumping the pasties out of Colleen Jackson.

You're not going to be here?

Hell, no.

I'm gonna be here by myself?

Yeah, that's right! And you'd better stay out of the ladies' undergoods.

Wait a minute. Nobody told me I'd be here alone.

What are you doing?

Saving money.

Wait a minute. Are you turning off the lights?

In 25 seconds, you got light in every third aisle.

When the sun comes up, you turn off

all the lights. You understand?

No, I don't understand. Just hold on a second!

I'm locking you in.

When I come back at 7:00 to open up, I'll let you out.

You're locking me in?

What do you take me for, a fool?

Nobody gets a set of keys on their first night. Nobody!

Now, get to work!

What if there's a fire?

Then the fire department will come.

I could perish!

(LAUGHS) Boo!

You can't do this. I'm locked in, alone, in the dark.

That was not a part of my employment agreement.

Ah!

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

9:17?

(SIGHS) Time for a break.

(LAUGHING)

Hello.

Anybody out there?

When I accepted the...

The post of President, grand Pooh-Bah of Target,

realizing that I have brought

meaningfulness and peace and happiness,

into the lives of thousands of people.

Jim Dodge, of Monroe,

top moneymaker on the tour.

His father's here today, Bud Dodge,

and sister Penny, a sad, sad story,

was just admitted to university hospital.

While trying to pop a zit, her head mysteriously exploded.

(MAN GROANING ON TV)

(GROWLING)

(SLURPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

JIM: Dad! Hi!

Jim, do you know what time it is?

You know, I'm starting to think about Christmas and gifts,

because I'm in a big store and I'm starting to get a lot of gift ideas.

Hi.

Mom, hi!

How's it going?

Well, I finished all my janitor stuff, I've finished most of it.

I've got to save some stuff for later.

But it's easy as hell.

Um, honey, it's a little late.

Yeah, it is kind of late. Well, sleep tight.

See you in the morning. (DIAL TONE)

Love you, too.

Mr. James Dodge!

Oh. He can't be happy as the night cleanup boy.

Sweetheart...

He wants us to call him a janitor.

Maybe I should have spent less time harping and more time helping.

Harpin' and helpin' him what?

Harpin' on him to leave, and helpin' him become the...

Good, mature, productive person he could be.

(GROANS)

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine, thanks.

And you?

What are you doing here?

I work here.

CARL: Have a good one, Officer Don.

Okay, Carl. Keep in touch. Let me know if you hear anything.

CARL: You bet.

Well, sir, she didn't leave on the bus.

Apparently, she isn't here. Let's go look for her someplace else.

She wouldn't be dumb enough to thumb, would she?

Does she have any friends that she might have run off with?

Boyfriends?

Would you just get in the car so we can go look for the girl, please?

I'm tired, I had to get out of the bed,

I haven't had any coffee. I don't feel good.

My daughter, I don't know where the hell she is.

And you're standing by the car there,

sounding like some goddamn preacher or something!

Come on. Get in the car!

Prick.

Are you sure you didn't hurt yourself?

Oh, no. Are you kidding?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Can I ask what you were doing?

Uh... Oh, I was roller-skating.

I know, but why?

Oh, why not?

I got bored. One thing led to another and...

And I'm roller-skating in my shorts. (CHUCKLES)

Better question would be, "What are you doing here?"

Shopping.

Well, we've been closed for five hours.

Yeah. I fell asleep.

While shopping?

No, in the ladies' dressing room.

That makes no sense. You're a high-profile young ingenue.

I was debating... What?

Whether or not to get arrested for shoplifting.

Doesn't your father own, like, $10 million worth of real estate in this town?

Well, it's not my fault.

No, no, I didn't imply such.

It just seems funny that someone of your...

Wealth?

If you will. Would be shoplifting...

I didn't do it. I chickened out.

Would consider shoplifting.

It's a long, dull, self-indulgent, highly unromantic story

about an overbearing father,

deceased mother and brother

and a completely confused girl who looks a little like me.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHS)

I sure am glad you dropped by.

I was getting pretty tired of being with myself.

I guess... I guess, I'm what you call a people person.

What are you cooking?

Uh, Hobo Chicken.

It's a glazed chicken in wine sauce

with vegetables and skin-on potatoes.

Silverware... Silverware...

It's only 210 calories.

And I don't know if you're watching

your figure, but I sure am. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, if you can just grab a serving spoon

over there, I think we'll be set.

Uh, keep your distance from these things.

I think it's safe to keep five feet.

(BELL DINGS)

I think they're about done.

Well, dining room's right this way.

Mmm!

Mmm. Oh.

I think my father poured the cement for your pool.

He's a cement contractor. Good man.

Bud Dodge?

My mother works at Hoenicker's over Christmas, part time.

My sister's a teller at the bank.

My brother's in grade school. He's not employed at the moment.

I used to work at the animal shelter.

But I was terminated. And now... Now I'm working here.

Do you always talk this much?

Yeah, I guess I do.

I like talking to people.

I was thinking maybe you should go into sales.

I've actually tried that.

Some fresh ground pepper?

Please.

Some people don't like a lot of pepper.

Say when. That's fine.

I happen to really like it a lot.

I think it enhances the natural flavor of the chicken.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

I've had dreams about you.

You've had dreams about me?

Not recently.

I've had dreams about you in the past.

I've had dreams about entire cheerleading squads,

so don't get me wrong.

It's kid stuff, you know. How 'bout you?

Do I dream? Mmm.

That's about all I do.

ROGER: Raisin' a kid's hard work. You got any kids?

No, sir. No, sir. And from listening to you talking

and from observin' this,

I'm kinda grateful old Emily turned up infertile.

Shouldn't you be cleaning up the store?

I got plenty of time.

Big store. Huge.

Always smoke cigars?

I enjoy a good one after a fine meal.

It settles the stomach.

You're the town liar, right?

What?

I'm sorry. That really came out wrong.

I don't see how something like that could come out right.

I guess I meant that's what people call you.

But I didn't mean to imply that it's actually true.

People are actually calling me that?

I thought you knew.

Know what? That I was the town liar?

You didn't?

No. I'm not.

I think that you might have the wrong information.

I didn't mean to offend you.

Did you think that was a compliment?

No. No. And I apologize.

You know, I can't repeat things like that.

Don't think about it. It's all right.

As I said, I think you've got the wrong information.

But, if people are calling me that,

it's only because they're small, cheap, petty, and jealous.

Small towns are notorious for that kinda thing.

I'm sure there's a word for me.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

What do they call me?

A tease.

Tease?

Yeah, I can see that.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Actually, I never teased.

This is becoming amusing.

Who exactly calls me a liar?

Everybody.

Everybody. No, not everybody.

I'm sure there's some old people in town.

Right.

Well, what do you think?

What do I think?

Do you think I'm a liar?

Well, I don't know you well enough.

You've known me for almost 17 years.

We went to the same schools from kindergarten on up.

I knew of you, but I didn't know you personally.

That's always bothered me.

I mean, that old "in-out, us-them" thing.

That's the way it's been.

I know. It's always bothered me.

Sure, but it's water over the dam now.

(SIGHS) Yeah, but it's your dam and my water.

I got crapped on a lot of years.

I just meant that it's in the past.

Well, the present is a result of the past.

I look at my high school yearbook,

and I don't see four fabulous years.

Actually, what I'm reminded of is what it feels like

to have my underwear yanked up my ass

by some big football player with arms like telephone poles.

Okay, and where are those guys now?

I know they're not working nights at Target. I'll tell you that. (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. You know,

I look at my yearbook

and I see four fabulous years

that are gonna be the highlight of my life.

Here's what it's like...

First, you feel a hand going down the back of your pants

and tighten around the elastic waistband...

Highlight.

Sometimes I'd actually see stars.

It's not going to get any better.

And if I was particularly unlucky,

my shorts would like rip completely free

and I would get this really drastic fabric...

Jim? Do you hear me?

Yeah.

I don't really care about a graphic description of a childhood prank.

Hey, that prank was a motif in my life.

You know, I'm locked in this store here

because I didn't have the guts to steal a skirt,

so I could get arrested and embarrass my father

in this stupid, desperate, childish,

pathetic attempt to leave home.

(SMIRKS) And you have your underwear yanked up your ass.

I have my entire life yanked up my ass.

Well, you're speaking figuratively.

I was speaking literally. And you're happy.

You know, you're happy.

I'm not happy.

I'm working nights.

Uh, everybody thinks I'm a liar.

My whole family's laughing at me.

Reverend Harwell gave me the finger last week.

Okay, okay, you're not happy,

but at least you have some control over your life.

So do you. My father controls my life.

You're over 18.

You can tell him to drop dead, and get on a plane.

So can you.

I don't want to.

I like living at home.

No, you don't.

What am I, a garden snail?

An involuntary muscle in a janitor suit?

I, uh, I know what I want to do.

What could you possibly like

about living at home at your age?

The meals are great. I mean, there's the, uh... There's cable.

Um, the accommodations are excellent, five-star.

What do you care if I'm living at home or not?

Hey, I didn't come here to irritate you.

Well, you're beginning to.

(SIGHS) Great. That's really great.

I gotta stop saying those kinds of things.

Those freakin' kids! I knew I couldn't trust 'em.

Town liar. That's a nice rep. Nice rep.

I bet it was Gregory, that little weasel.

Top secret, top secret, I tell 'em,

and they still shoot off their mouths!

If I'd really been a French spy,

those little tots would've gotten me killed!

Piano wire wrapped around my neck.

My testicles shoved down my throat,

a piece of dynamite stuck up my ass.

(SIGHS)

She's so beautiful.

And I'm the town liar.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(MUSIC STOPS)

JOSIE: (OVER P.A.) Jim, there's no reason to lie right now.

There's no one to impress.

You know, I'm not impressed by a man

telling me he likes living at home.

Excuse me. I'm not lying,

and I'm not trying to impress you.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

I have to clean dead flies out of the lighting fixtures.

Okay, okay, my error. I apologize.

It's just that I can't imagine a man,

giving up his independence, his right to mate,

to have a family,

to have children, to build a life for himself,

for good cooking.

Hold on.

I have not given up my right to mate.

(CHUCKLES) I have the right to mate

anytime I feel like mating.

You go out with someone.

You bring her home.

You introduce her to...

Mom, Dad, sis, Billy,

Woofie the dog.

Cocktails in the rumpus room, and then

do it on the bunk bed?

Oh,

let's analyze that remark.

First, I don't have a dog,

my brother's not named Billy,

and I don't even have a rumpus room. So I don't even...

JOSIE: You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Spit on me, make me feel lousy.

Jim?

You said something that wasn't true.

No.

No, I said that I can have sex when I want to,

and I do. I do.

However, I was looking forward to a nice, quiet evening of janitoring.

I don't think you see what I'm getting at.

I see what you're getting at.

I'm a lying monk with an Oedipus complex

and an appetite for home cooking.

Don't forget. You're the indecisive shoplifter.

Yes! Exactly!

I would do anything to be in your shoes.

These are Darnell's shoes.

You know, you have freedom, and you're not using it.

It makes me sad.

Well, you have the collective wealth of the entire town,

and you're trying to get yourself arrested. Now, that makes me sad.

That makes me sad, too.

That's pretty stupid.

It's very stupid.

Are you serious?

I mean, you haven't been drinking?

This isn't the bottle talking?

No.

Then why don't you just talk to the guy?

For the same reason that you can't leave home,

I can't tell my father to go to hell.

Why not?

Because I don't want to be alone.

(GRUNTING)

Mr. McClellan?

You ever have any family problems, you and your daughter?

What the hell do you think this is?

You got a point.

Would you go with me somewhere?

Where? Florida?

Wyoming? Spain?

It doesn't really matter, just away somewhere.

I'd love to.

I just can't afford to be

capricious and carefree like yourself.

I, uh, I've gotta set my sights on something and really go for it.

Night janitor?

It's a beginning. I'm looking at...

It's an end.

Maybe if you had, like, a destination in mind,

that would make all the difference in the world.

Why?

Well, uh, I'm, uh, I'm just not

built to aimlessly roam the world.

(STAMMERING) I'm too conservative for that.

Well,

I was thinking about Los Angeles.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

What for?

Live. Work.

At what? Whatever.

And what about your father?

When I don't die,

he'll realize that I can make it on my own.

If I do, he'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I can't.

If I run and he brings me back, or if I go back on my own,

either way he's just, uh, gonna beat the shit out of me.

So it doesn't really make a difference.

What, uh, literally?

Yeah.

Sad.

Yeah, it's sad.

Until he throws you across the room, it's sad.

I'm just afraid to live with him,

and I'm afraid to live without... You know,

you didn't come to work to hear this stuff. I'm really sorry.

That's all right.

I'm gonna clean this up.

I'm, uh, I'm just surprised.

I thought everything was okay, you know.

I figured you got a nice car, you got

a nice house, you got some money.

Everything's okay.

It should be,

but it's not.

It's twisted, and it's distorted,

and it can't be changed, and it cannot be saved.

I'll go with you.

Really?

Yeah.

We have to get a car.

Let's get through the night, first.

I have money.

How much?

$52,000.

On you?

(WHISPERS) In my purse.

(GULPS)

JIM: $52,000. Wow.

I've never seen so much money in my life.

(SNIFFS) This is more than my house cost.

Jim,

now that I'm spending the night,

how can I pay you back

for being so cold to you in high school?

Do you need an answer right away?

No.

Sometime before the sun comes up.

Well, uh,

you're probably not going to remember this,

but, uh,

there was a homecoming dance our sophomore year.

Mmm-hmm.

Do you remember Mrs. Noble?

Large, hairy gym teacher

with a suspiciously cumbersome groin bulge?

I had her for two years.

Well, she made everybody switch partners

because all the fat girls were dancing together,

and the doinks, myself included,

were standing against the wall,

blowing spit bubbles. Right.

Well, uh, for three-quarters of one verse of a slow song,

we danced together.

You reeked of Stridex.

Oh, no, that was Larry Fry.

I'm sorry.

I don't remember.

Well...

You got your hair caught in my braces.

I don't remember.

Well, it's not important.

I had...

Well, I just always...

Dreamed of finishing that dance.

Okay.

Oh, don't, uh, don't feel you have to answer right away. (LAUGHS)

It's just a small portion of my life that's incomplete.

I thought you were gonna say something different.

Well,

first things first.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

* When things go wrong

* As they sometimes will

* When the road you're trudging seems all uphill

* When the funds are low

* And the debts are high

* And you want to smile, but you have to sigh

* When care

* Is pressing you down a bit

* Rest if you must

* But don't you quit

* Oh, no

* Don't you quit

* Oh, no

* But you never can tell

* How close you are

* It may be near when it seems so far

* Ooh

(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

(JIM AND JOSIE GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

(LAUGHING)

JIM: Aah!

(SCREAMING)

JOSIE: Ow.

(SQUEAKING)

(KNOCKING)

Officer Don!

Oh! You scared the crap out of me.

I thought it was the custodian.

Jim, what are you doing in there?

I work here now.

(SQUEAKING)

You wanna let me in?

I'd love to let you in. I don't have the keys.

I'm locked in here till 7:00 a.m.

What's going on?

Have you seen Josie McClellan?

(STAMMERS) Of course, uh...

Dark hair, green eyes, beautiful.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

You seen her recently?

Oh!

Ah, matter of fact, I just saw her yesterday, yeah.

We had a cup of java together.

She come into the store?

Oh, I don't know. I only work nights.

Why? Well,

she's missing.

Now, I was looking around this side of town for her and I come past.

I seen that the outside sign's on.

The outside sign's never on.

JIM: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Did you try the library?

Because, you know, maybe she fell asleep reading.

No.

She's probably just screwing somebody the old man don't approve of.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Would you know...

If the custodian comes by to check up on people?

Oh, no, I wouldn't think he'd do that, Jimmy.

I feel pretty good now.

I'm sorry, sir.

I had to practice a little therapy.

Boy's in his own world.

Aah!

Why don't we get underneath the bench?

JOSIE: Do you want to get on top?

You check the office. I'll scope the dressing rooms.

Right.

You're on top.

Did you want to be on top?

Oh, no.

No, no, uh, I'm fine where I am.

Sure.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WHISPERING) Ow, ow, ow.

I think he went to the back.

(GASP) Evening.

NESTOR: Nice.

Excellent.

Hey, you got a tattoo?

JIM: No, sir.

Not you, asshole!

I'm a missing person.

The whole town is looking for me.

What, are you hidin' out? Yes.

And I would appreciate it if you'd let us sit up.

What about the tattoo?

I don't have one.

You owe me a buck.

Actually, it's up to two.

I borrowed that one off you at Burger King. (MUTTERING)

Excuse me. (GUN COCKING)

Are you planning to shoot us in the back of the head?

We haven't decided yet, have we?

Who are you?

Uh, you don't want to know.

He wouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know, butthead.

He's a little crazy. He's my brother.

He's not quite right. That's not true.

She doesn't even know me.

Somebody better start talking straight here.

That's the truth.

Okay.

You want to know?

Mmm-hmm. Okay, good.

But, uh...

Come on over here.

What? JIM: Come on over.

Come on over here! Over here.

(COUGHS)

Come on down here.

That's right. Down here. Down here.

Uh-huh?

Okay.

You dumb sons of bitches.

Do you realize that you have just walked

straight into a $60-million drug transaction?

(GUN COCKING)

NESTOR: So, you're running this

multi-zillion-dollar drug transaction by yourself?

Little Target boy.

No.

No, I'm not doing it by myself.

Oh, no, no.

As a matter of fact,

in about 10 minutes,

this place is gonna be alive with the meanest,

ugliest, most impatient animals you guys have ever seen.

So I'll tell you what, I'll give you five minutes to take

whatever you want in the whole store. Anything you want and just go.

I won't tell. Just go. Just take your guns and go. Scoot.

Okay, then, who's the girl?

I'm his hostage.

Yes, yes.

Is that true? Hmm?

Yes! Yes, it's true.

And, um...

If the deal doesn't go down,

she becomes pig feed.

Bullshit.

Oh, really?

Well, blow her away.

GIL: Come on, that's bullshit!

(GRUNTING)

Okay.

Then give me your guns and I'll do it for you.

It's bullshit, right?

NESTOR: We'll see.

Roll over.

Come on, you heard him. What?

Roll over! That's right. You too, honey.

You heard me. Roll over. Come on, do it!

Come on, come on! Roll! Roll. That's it. Very good.

Mmm! Yeah.

Um, give me the guns.

Ah!

No way, man. Uh-uh.

Fine. Fine.

You do it. I don't need her anymore, anyway.

I only needed her to get through customs.

I don't like this.

This sucks. It's not worth it.

Come on, we don't have much time. Do it!

All right.

It's nothing personal.

Jim! Too late. They're here!

It's too late. They're here.

Men, hold your fire. Hold the fire.

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Ned in housewares, hold your fire.

Tommy in sporting goods, hold your fire.

Ned, hold your fire.

There are infrared scopes trained on your heads.

We didn't want this!

It's the girl you want, not us!

Just relax, okay. Ned, we got a WD-40.

That's right. A full-scale PMS.

Okay, everybody, just relax!

Now, now, everybody just relax.

Okay, the whole place is gonna blow.

Everybody just relax.

Now, put down your guns. Put the guns down.

Ned, they're putting down the guns.

Are you putting them down? They are putting them down.

Now, get down, 'cause lives are at stake here.

Let go. Let go, let go. Now, get back, get back.

Spread 'em. Spread the legs. Put down the dogs.

Okay, put the dogs down. Put the dogs down.

Both of 'em! Put the dogs down! Down!

That was great!

I got a big surprise for you guys.

GIL: We have a bit of a surprise for you, too.

Them guns aren't loaded.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

JIM: I got an idea.

How about a truce?

I'm full of shit. You're full of shit.

I think everybody at one time in their life is full of shit.

I'll throw on a couple of corn dogs

and we'll all get to know each other.

I'd like to know what goes on inside your heads.

Okay, you had the big one, you had the...

No.

Sorry. I could've sworn you had the big one.

Ha!

I lied.

These are the men that killed that guy in Saltburg.

I'm fairly sure that we're gonna die.

I just want to tell you how disappointed I am

that we're not going to California together.

We're not dead yet.

Pretty darn close. No.

If I can get them to take me with them,

maybe I can get away and come back for you.

Don't forget we need a car and they obviously have one.

Just...

Go along with whatever I do, okay?

Okay.

So, what's the word on you two?

Are you married? Obviously, you're...

Hack crooks if you can't pull off a discount store job.

What were you planning to steal? A little hair spray?

(CHUCKLES)

Sorry.

Lady, you got a job?

No.

Well, then don't knock ours.

Crime isn't a job. It's a sickness.

Whoops.

Anyone have some change?

(COINS CLATTERING)

You look like a lady in need of a quarter.

I might need more than just a quarter.

You know... No.

You and I could make a lot of money.

GIL: Honey, me and Nestor are partners.

Okay? We don't need a third.

You don't know what you need, so why don't you shut up?

Hop on. (LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Now.

Let's go now.

NESTOR: Know what you are?

Yeah.

You are one good-looking ball of trouble.

Good.

What do you think, for the car?

This one?

No, the whole thing. We'll just lay it down in the back.

We got multi-cassette capabilities.

Think of the sound.

JIM: Let me just tell you. I'm not helping you load your car.

Think again, boy.

JIM: You're not going to take the stolen merchandise out of the store. No.

I'm not gonna let you.

Get out.

It's stolen. All of it!

GIL: Give me that! JIM: No!

It's mine! Give it to me!

It's mine.

But where... Wait a minute.

You're not going with them?

Yeah.

You'll be an accessory.

So?

So? You don't know anything about them.

You certainly don't know anything about him.

These are hardened criminals here!

Okay, come here. That's enough. That's enough!

Gil.

Don't waste your time. You could get a hernia.

You know, if my foot could talk,

it would say, "May I please go up this geek's ass?"

NESTOR: Forget him! Forget him.

GIL: Come on! All right.

He's no use to us. After all, the guy's built like an oyster.

Listen, little mister.

If you tell on us,

I'll kill you.

Fine.

Jim.

Don't be an ass.

Okay, Jimbo? (PATTING JIM'S BACK)

Let's go, shall we?

(DOOR CLOSES)

GIL: Ahem.

Come on, come on, come on!

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

I got 'em. I got 'em. I got 'em.

(GUNSHOTS)

JIM: (OVER P.A.) That wasn't a store robbery.

That was an assassination.

That wasn't a clerk. That was a wise guy.

How do I know?

I spent a little time with the FBI's organized crime unit.

I guess you could say that I'm intimately knowledgeable

with the seedy and rancorous workings of the mob

in the Midwest section of this country.

Let me just say, I know a gangland slaying when I see one,

and that's exactly what this baby is.

I'd look into myself personally, but I got a date tonight.

Attention Target shoppers.

(SHOTGUN BLASTS)

(YAWNING)

Jim!

He is so cool.