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♪ Deck the hall with boughs of Holly ♪

♪ fa la la la la la ♪

♪ tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ fa la la la la la ♪

Lindsay.

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

Lindsay.

♪ Troll the ancient yuletide Carol ♪

♪ fa la la la la la la ♪

Lindsay!

Ugh, Alexa, you little
brat, what possible excuse

could you have for destroying my rem?

It's Christmas morning!

Ugh, go record it and
I'll watch it later.

But you'll miss the best part.

Put in some director's
commentary, it'll be fine.

Come on, deck the halls, ho, ho, ho.

Leave my room, go, go, go!

Okay.

I just thought you'd want to
see what Santa brought you.

Presents?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, Lindsay.

Merry Christmas, honey.

Looks like Santa brought
you a lot of gifts this year.

Did he bring the...

See for yourself.

Hmm!

Chanel, at last we are together.

No, no.

It's a fake.

What's going on here, last year's jeans?

Nikes.

Wait a second, zikes?

As if, this can't be happening.

I was good all year.

I was good all year!

Santa!

That was close.

Bye, I'm off to school.

♪ Living in the north pole ♪

♪ how could he understand ♪

♪ that life without snow can
be something really grand ♪

♪ and all of us who've
never seen a real reindeer ♪

♪ know green's the color
of Christmas cheer ♪

♪ the lawn may need mowing ♪

♪ with all the grass it's growing ♪

♪ but Christmas is cooler this year ♪

♪ cool Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ I'm asking Santa baby for
the Christmas that's brimming ♪

♪ With lots of colored lights ♪

♪ and lots of trees
with all the trimming ♪

♪ I'm asking Santa claus for
a Christmas that's cool ♪

♪ singing Christmas Carols
by the swimming pool ♪

♪ cool Christmas ♪

♪ cool, cool Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

Where were you?

Good morning to you too.

Sorry, good morning.

I was freaking out, I
had the worst dream ever.

Not the fake Chanel one.

Yes.

That is the third time this week.

I just feel so guilty.

Have you told them yet?

No, I can't do it.

Well, my family leaves
on Christmas morning

which is in three weeks
and when your parents see

that you're not at home, I'm pretty sure

they're gonna notice.

I'll tell them soon, but my
parents are gonna have a fit.

You know what Christmas means to them.

You have had 16 christmases
with them in a row.

Yes, that's becoming more
over than my low carb diet.

We're not big on tradition,

we do whatever we want to.

Remember two years ago we went to Japan?

They don't even have
Christmas there, we ate Sushi

instead of Turkey.

And last year you went to Vegas.

Yeah, we had the best time.

Ugh, with my family,

it's the exact same thing every year.

Uncle Phil always comes to
dinner dressed up as Santa claus.

More potatoes.

And tells us some
whacked out made up Christmas

story.

Okay, where was I, oh, yes, yes, yes, so

the giant meatball was
rolling down the hill

heading straight for the
village, hurtling towards

their Christmas tree and if
it hit Christmas would surely

be ruined, are you gonna finish that?

Uh, go for it.

I saw Santa with the other
Turkey leg in his pocket.

And then we all
sit around watching the grinch.

The grinch is green?

I've gotta get me one of these color tvs.

Christmas used to be a kick,
but it has gone totally lame,

I just don't have the heart to tell them.

They live for this stuff.

Yeah, well, you better
get the heart because the

reservations are made and you got spandex.

I do like wearing cold weather attire.

Okay, there's someone
who would look good in

cold weather attire.

Anderson Caldwell would
look good in any attire.

Quick, how do I look?

Oh, you look fine.

Fine is not going to do it,
I've been completely ignoring

him all semester so I can't
afford to be any less than

stellar, am I showcase?

You are showcase showdown.

Hey Paige.

- Hi Anderson.
- How you doing?

Hey, Lindsay.

Hi.

So you girls got any big
plans for the Christmas break?

We're going skiing up at moonstone.

Really, so are me and jt
and Kevin, where are you guys

staying?

Oh, the only place worth
staying, moonstone resort?

This is great, so are we,
we leave on Christmas morning.

So do we.

Well, jt's gonna freak when
I tell him that you're coming,

he's been dying to hook up with you.

Oh, well, you can tell
jt to keep on dying,

but you can tell Kevin to keep on trying.

Okay, to the point
and rhymes, that's cool.

I'll see you later, Paige.

And Lindsay, I guess I'll
see you up there then.

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay, see you.

So does this mean you're
coming on the trip for sure?

You know what I want to do after this?

Sit silently while I
do my hair and makeup?

You read my mind, ugh, Lindsay, look.

I want to thank you for
ignoring me all semester,

showing me complete
indifference, it really is

the only thing that men respond to.

I knew it.

Linds, linds,

so you're coming on the trip, right?

I am so there.

No flaking out at the last minute.

Hello, glass houses.

Okay, well what are you
gonna tell your parents?

Well, daddy is a business
man, I'm going to have to appeal

to them on an economic level.

So by celebrating Christmas
on December 28th, you would be

able to acquire gifts at favorably
lower post holiday prices

the economic savings could
be amortized and with your

rate of returns on today's
dollar, it would create

a wider margin for other
essential expenditures

including but not limited
to, birthday gifts,

graduation presents and
or college tuition, hmm.

Excellent presentation, linds, excellent.

Why the sudden concern
with saving me money?

Aren't you tired of
being a slave to the man

they call Christmas, and
it's all because of this guy.

Santa claus.

A corporate creation in the
tradition of Ronald McDonald

and the energizer bunny.

Lindsay.

Did Lindsay just say the
energizer bunny isn't real?

No, dear, but daddy and I
need to speak to Lindsay alone

for a second.

Yeah, why don't you go
finish that wish list you were

- writing to Santa?
- Mmhmm.

Okay.

That was a close one.

Why are you saying these
things in front of Alexa?

What's this all about?

Paige's family invited me to
spend Christmas at moonstone.

I see, and what did you tell them?

I told them that if it
was okay with you guys.

It's not okay with us.

Daddy, please?

This is the most important trip ever.

The hottest boy in
school is gonna be there.

Oh, the hottest boy.

Uh-huh.

Why didn't you say so,
that explains everything,

the hottest, because if it
was the second hottest boy

then you'd understand
why it's so important

that you spend Christmas with your family,

but the hottest, well, that's different.

Dad, you are so cool, thank you.

He is not the second hottest,
I promise, I gotta call Paige.

Come back here.

If I don't get sarcasm,
doesn't that count as permission?

Look, I have only two rules
if you are to live in this

house, and one is straight
as and the other is that

you spend the holidays with your family.

I got the straight as,
what good are they if I can't

use them as leverage for the other?

Leverage?

What do you call makeup and
the clothes and the car?

Writeoffs?

A portion of them, yes,
but a man's tax deductions

are his own business and
this is not about that.

You're not going.

You are being totally unfair.

You know, in case you haven't
noticed, I'm getting older now

I'm gonna be off to college
in a couple of years

and you still treat me
like I'm Alexa's age.

You're not going, and that is final.

It wasn't supposed to go this way.

I've got a pointer and everything.

He's just hurt.

Will you talk to him, please?

Linds, I can't, I agree with him, sorry.

But playing you
against daddy was my last resort.

Well, next time use it
before you say there's no Santa

in front of a six year old.

Santa is so five years ago.

Lindsay!

Alexa's gonna find out sometime.

Believing in Santa
is every child's right,

you taking that from your
sister is kind of selfish,

don't you think?

Great, Alexa's got
rights and I can't even go

on a ski trip, I am not the
one who's being selfish here.

Lindsay, you're my
daughter and I love you,

but when have you ever
done something that wasn't

for your own self interest?

You know what spending
Christmas together means to us,

why don't you think about that?

There is nothing to think about,

I want to go on this trip.

Well, you always want
something, don't you?

You.

So you're just going on
the trip without permission?

Like they give me any choice.

Well, you have never
disobeyed your parents before.

They have never put me
in a position of having to.

You should have heard them, selfish, me?

I don't think so.

So you're cool with this.

I don't want to talk about
it anymore, I just want to shop.

I'm still not sure if
I like these, I mean,

they're tasty yes, but
would I really want this

for an entire meal, think I'm
gonna need to have one more.

Back away from the chicken sticks, sir,

put the chicken stick down.

Dude, you thinking of buying something?

Oh, I'm sorry, did you
need me to buy something?

But those samples,
they're for the customers.

Well, I'm making sure
they're up to regulation

standards, might want to
cut these bigger next time,

you food service failure.

You just can't come here
and eat all the samples.

Lumley in sector
seven, requesting backup.

Hey, I didn't do anything.

I got the call, Chuck, what's up?

Pencil neck here's
risking the lives of women

and children by feeding them
food on sharp wooden objects.

You bad man.

Do you know what this could do if lodged

in the throat of an infant?

Write 'em up, Donny.

Yeah, right.

Come on, this isn't fair.

Watch it, I eat guys
like you for breakfast.

I thought you had cheerios.

Shut up, Donny.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

You can just eat all the samples.

Why don't you go get a few
more of these for me, huh?

Move along, come on, go,
go, move it, walk, go,

yeah, that's it, one foot, two foot, yeah.

You played him perfectly.

I didn't play anybody, I'm doing my job,

these people owe us, we protect them.

You're new, you'll learn.

Thanks, boss.

What do you want to get?

We should get something for my parents

for taking us on this trip.

Yeah, let's use my dad's
credit card, that way

your dad won't feel like
he bought it for himself.

You are always thinking, linds.

Is that ever pathetic?

What?

In a desperate attempt to lure customers,

they prey on innocent kids,
like if Santa were for real

he'd come to our town in December

and hang out every day
at this particular mall.

Look at the girls they
hired, it's like Christmas

- at Hooters.
- I guess the dads need

something to look at while
their kids beg for gifts

from Santa fraud.

Who hasn't even shown up.

He's probably waiting
for the line to get longer.

You know, like they do at nightclubs?

Look what the reindeer
dragged in, he must be browsing.

Mall santas don't exactly drive porsches,

this should be good for a laugh.

Hello, Santa, is there
anything I can help you with?

Yes, thank you, I was
looking for something to wear

to look attractive to the Mrs.

The mrs, and who would that be?

Mrs. Claus of course.

Of course, you're still together?

And they say celebrity couples never last.

Hmm, something that would
make you look attractive.

Have you thought of
giving her a blindfold?

I'm joking, what do you think she'd like?

I don't know, I don't normally do this.

Clearly.

None of these suits
seem to have any prices.

If you have to ask, you
obviously can't afford to buy.

Merry Christmas, goodbye.

Merry Christmas.

Hmm, how many grams of fat in yours?

5.1.

I beat you, 4.6.

Yeah, but you got the
medium and I got the small,

making your fat savings irrelevant.

Yeah, well, I might not finish mine.

Ooh.

Spoiled kids.

Man, I hate teenagers.

Mall be better off without 'em.

Aren't they the reason
the mall is in business?

The average teenager buys nothing.

All they do is take up space
and the ones that do shop

put everything on daddy's credit card.

I protect these ingrates,
and what thanks do I get?

Do I ever get daddy's credit
card, I don't think so,

he was too busy making
captain of the police force

like his father before him.

A couple of guys are
talking, they say you tried out

for the force.

Who said that, they're lying.

Nobody, I just overheard.

I coulda made the force if I wanted to.

This is where I was meant
to be, the very mall

I was laughed out of in high
school is my stomping grounds

and I'm gonna make sure it stays mine.

How?

All it takes is the
elimination of one popular girl,

you do that, her friends stop
coming, then their friends,

then what have you got?

Teenage boys.

No, the boys go wherever the girls go.

Maybe without the mall the
girls'll go to the library

and when they come back
as adults they won't be

such idiots, hey, come on, let you buy me

a peanut buster parfait.

Oh, thanks boss.

This job's about two
things, earned authority

and unspoken respect.

Who threw that?

Come on.

All right, who was it?

What'd I tell you?

I knew they were trouble.

I'm thinking of getting a
subscription to reader's digest.

What, my grandma reads that.

Okay, hear me out, when we
were 12, what did we read?

16 magazine.

And then at 15?

17 magazine.

Exactly, seeing that
these magazines are designed

to make younger people feel more mature,

imagine what we would know
if we skipped all the way...

So you like to throw hamburgers, do you?

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry isn't going to
get the hamburger grease

out of my hair, is it?

No, you'll probably need a
really good clarifying shampoo.

You sassing me?

I have no clue what you're saying to me.

Yeah, you should have
thought about that before

you threw the hamburger.

Look at me, do I look
like I eat hamburgers?

All the more reason why you'd throw one.

Give me that, what are you doing?

Lindsay deerborne of 1844 rockaway drive,

consider yourself cited,
write her up, Donny!

You psycho, wait a second!

I knew I recognized
him, we saw him on TV.

Yeah, you were on extreme a date.

No I wasn't, you're lying!

Conversation flowed and we
connected, gotta be honest,

right now she digs me a
bit more and that's fine,

sometimes they're gonna
like me more, other times

I'm gonna like them less, but
yeah, I'll call Alyson again.

Go out, again?

My personal life is
none of your business,

better straighten up
little lady, one false move

and you're banned from the mall for life!

- Banned for life.
- Donny!

Coming Chuck.

Okay, that was by far the
weirdest thing that has ever

happened in the history of my life.

Banned for life.

Ooh, ooh, where would we
go to see the real actual

Santa claus?

Are you still on that?

Linds, I think you're developing
some major Christmas issues.

Well, I can't see a
shrink on such short notice.

This one is for you,
like that, there you go.

I guess he'll have to do.

Have you been a good girl all year long?

Well I know you have, and believe me,

Santa's gonna be sure you get that doll,

my elves have made it especially for you,

merry Christmas, Sophia, merry Christmas.

Run along now, bye bye.

Well, look what we have
here, some older kids,

merry Christmas.

Yeah, forgive us if we
don't sit on your lap, perv.

Ew.

That's not a very nice
thing to say, it's Christmas.

Now tell Santa what you'd like this year.

Well, if you're the real
Santa, wouldn't you already know?

Well, I left my list in the sleigh.

Yeah, I think that's the
Santa equivalent to my dog

ate my homework.

Come on, Santa, let's see
some of that Christmas magic.

What is it that I want this year?

Well, judging from the way you're acting,

I'd say something perhaps a little...

What, overpriced and superficial?

Ouch, you just got
burned by a mall Santa,

good one, St. Nick.

Yeah, no, not good one,
at least I don't wear

the same red suit every year.

Tell me, Santa, how can Mrs.
Claus stand to be married

to someone so completely devoid of style?

She likes me just fine.

Are you sure, how could she, I mean,

you're inactive all but one day a year,

you hang out with a bunch
of elves and you sit around,

put on the chubby blump.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was a pillow.

Well, I'm afraid it isn't.

Merry Christmas to you, merry
Christmas, merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Now you girls run right along, next?

Well look what we have
here, Santa's favorite,

chocolate chips, merry Christmas
and thank you very much.

Okay, linds, what's
going on, you haven't said

two words since we left the mall.

Do you think I'm selfish?

What?

Of course you're not selfish.

How do you know?

Because you and I are exactly alike

and if you were selfish
that would make me selfish

and I know I'm not selfish.

My parents think I am.

Maybe they're right, think
about it, have I ever

done anything for anybody?

Look, maybe it's not such a good idea

that you come on the trip.

The trip has nothing to do with it,

I am going and that's all there is to it.

Okay.

You wanna come in?

No thanks, there's
something I've got to go do.

Ooh, how mysterious,
does this have anything

to do with Anderson?

Don't be so nosy, later.

Thank you very much, good night, ladies.

Hi.

What?

Oh, hello again.

I just wanted to apologize
for what I said before.

I was way out of line.

People act funny during the
holidays, I understand that.

Thank you for saying
that, I appreciate it.

Are you done for the day?

Yes, I am.

Because I thought maybe
if you had some time,

I could buy you Christmas
gifts, seeing how I acted

and all.

Well, that's very sweet
of you, but I just couldn't

accept it.

- How about a hot chocolate?
- I really shouldn't.

It's fat free.

Ah, well, all right, thank you.

There's got be something,
maybe I can buy your wife

a gift and you can give it to her.

- My wife.
- Mmhmm.

You said something
earlier today, you asked

how she could stay married
to a man so devoid of style,

that's what you said, you
said that, didn't you?

Yeah, okay, even you have
to admit, you are a little

wardrobe challenged.

Well, I never used to
bother before, Mrs. Claus

is very happy with me, but,
well, we've been married

for over a thousand years,
and let me tell you something,

that 700 year itch with Mrs.
Claus, well, it's quite tough.

If we're gonna keep talking, can you drop

the Mrs. Claus thing?

What would you prefer, Mrs. Kringle?

No, Mrs. Claus is fine, you were saying?

Well, I don't know
what's happened between us.

We used to be so close.

We were like two lights
in a Christmas tree.

Every year those lists got
longer, longer, and the lights

got further and further apart.

Until it seemed that the
lights were in danger

of burning out altogether.

You know, I know how to deliver presents,

I can fit down a chimney or two,

but I haven't got a clue
how to get those lights

to shine again, well.

Thank you kindly for the hot chocolate

and merry Christmas to you.

- Maybe I can help you.
- What?

What, is it so hard to believe

I could help another person?

No.

I don't only care about myself, you know.

Otherwise I wouldn't
be trying to help you.

That act alone says
I'm not selfish, right?

Well, I suppose that's right.

Trust me, it does, now I
don't know what it's like

to be married, but I definitely know

how to get other people's attention.

Well, I'm sure you do, but...

What would you have me do?

It's all about making changes.

And in your case.

I would say that...

We'd start from the outside in.

The outside in?

You'll see, let's get started.

This is most extraordinary.

Hi, I'm going to need a guest pass.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ got to let it show ♪

♪ there's a new me coming out ♪

♪ and I just have to live ♪

♪ and I wanna give ♪

♪ I'm completely positive ♪

♪ I think this time around ♪

♪ I am gonna do it like
you never knew it ♪

♪ oh, I'll make it through ♪

♪ the time has come for me ♪

♪ to break out of this shell ♪

♪ I have to shout that I am coming out ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ I got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ I've got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ got to let it show ♪

♪ I've got to show the world ♪

♪ all that I want to be ♪

♪ and all my abilities ♪

♪ there's so much more to me ♪

♪ somehow I'll have to make them ♪

♪ just understand ♪

♪ I got it well in hand ♪

♪ and oh how I have planned ♪

♪ I'm spreading love ♪

♪ there is no need to fear ♪

♪ and I just feel so
good every time I hear ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ I've got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ got to let it show ♪

You see that chick I was
talking to on the treadmill?

Yeah, I took her out
last week, hope my wife

doesn't find out.

Hello?

Where are you?

I'm at the gym.

Again, Lindsay, it's
Christmas Eve, give it a rest.

Gotta look good in my ski outfit.

Okay, just don't be late for dinner,

if you make my dad wait
to eat, he'll freak.

Chill out, I'll be there.

Later.

Bye.

Christmas Eve, you
should be getting home.

No, I'm not done with you yet.

What next?

You'll see.

♪ I'm coming out ♪

Ma'am, you can't walk
at that pace in here

on Christmas Eve, you're
slowing down mall traffic,

write her up, Donny.

Okay, boss.

I don't think they make
these in my new size.

Yeah, there's a reason
for that, it is time

to bring Santa into the 21st century.

Hey, Chuck, Chuck, wasn't
that the girl from before?

Why is she with the mall Santa?

I don't know.

But I'm gonna find out.

So you like to throw hamburgers, do you?

Hey, Chuck, where are you going?

The right outfit
should make you feel good

as well as those around
you, it should bring out

the blue in your eyes,
even if they're brown,

I used to think that a new outfit

is as beautiful as a summer's
day, but I was wrong.

A summer's day is as
beautiful as a new outfit.

It's just that important.

♪ Santa baby, you're
looking really grand ♪

♪ now I see you really understand ♪

♪ that's the clothes that make the man ♪

♪ appealing to the missus ♪

♪ you better watch out ♪

There we go.

This is not a barber
shop, I don't see a pole.

It's a salon, that's a
barber shop for cool people.

We don't have to do this,
Mrs. Claus cuts my hair

with a machine, she hooks
up to the vacuum cleaner.

And you wonder why your
marriage is in trouble.

No big deal, she just
puts that nozzle right down

and.

Okay, you are totally grossing me out.

Lindsay, darling.

So I suppose this is the
emergency you called me about.

You called me an emergency.

Not you, Santa, your
hair, you can trust Eduardo,

he specializes in aging celebrities.

Do you think you can do this?

I haven't seen a disaster like this since

Kenny Rogers came in
crying, asking me to remove

the frosting from his tips,

but I suppose I can work
one more miracle, huh?

Follow me.

Hey, get back here.

Now this, this is some of my best work.

I knew you would love it.

But the beard, it must go.

Don't worry, Santa, this won't hurt a bit.

No!

Psst, Lindsay, so what
will it be, rare, medium

or well done?

Crank it.

Ay, everybody.

We're ready!

Signora, it is with great
pleasure that I present to you

the greatest makeover of
them all, senor Santa claus.

Oh my god, for an older man you are hot.

Who knew?

I don't even recognize
myself, we didn't go too far,

did we?

No, trust me, it is way better.

Awesome, Eduardo, thank you.

Any time.

Thank you, thank you very, very much

and a merry, merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas.

Shall we?

Makeovers totally dehydrate
me, you feel like a juice

at the food court?

Sure, but I've got something
to do, can I meet you there,

let me take these for you, I'll meet you.

Thanks.

Hi.

Hello, how can I help you today?

You're hoping Santa is
gonna bring you a big bonus

for Christmas, aren't you?

Yes.

Yet I came in a few weeks
ago dressed in my Santa suit

and you laughed at me, don't
you believe in Santa claus?

No.

Big mistake.

Huge.

Those senior hotties were
having, like, major hot flashes.

I am like a fashion genius.

I need a cookie.

No cookies.

Oh no, uh...

What's the matter, what are you doing?

What does it look like, I'm
trying to hide behind you.

Would have been easy
to do three weeks ago.

Hey, Lindsay.

Oh hi, I didn't see you
there because my uncle Nick

was blocking my view.

This is Anderson, he's
a student at my school.

How do you do, Anderson,
I'm uncle Nicholas.

Nice to meet you, nice threads, man.

Oh, thank you, bling bling, yo yo.

Yeah, cool uncle, um, I
was just getting some gloves

for the ski trip tomorrow,
you know, trying to decide

what to get, five fingered gloves, mitten,

I got the gloves so, I guess
I'll see you up there, yeah?

Yeah, I guess, maybe you will.

Yeah, okay, well, it
was nice meeting you.

- Nice meeting you.
- All right.

See you later.

What did that guy do to you?

Why do you hate him so much?

What, stick to toys,
Santa, you obviously don't

understand women.

Why does he think
you're going on a ski trip

on Christmas day?

Like it's a big deal,
you're just like my parents,

there will be another Christmas
day next year, you know,

this is my one chance
to be alone with a guy

that I have rejected 27
times, this is the payoff.

You really like him?

He is the hottest guy in school.

I didn't ask him if he was
the hottest guy in school,

I asked if you really liked him.

Yes.

I really like him.

So you're planning to
tell him on this trip?

Are you on glue?

I'd sound like I'm a loser.

If he thinks that I'm not that interested

I maintain the upper hand.

You do.

Things are more complicated
with relationships now.

It's all about the game, mmhmm.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

When you met your wife,
how did you know she was

the one?

Well, I don't know, you just
know those things, I guess.

What do you mean, you just know?

Was she funny, was she hot?

Well, I don't know that
she was any of those things

to anyone else, but she's,
well, she's all I ever needed,

she's all I'll ever need.

Wow, maybe you should tell her that.

Oh, I'm pretty sure she knows that.

Of course, telling
someone that you like them

is for losers, right.

I didn't say that exactly.

Oh yes, that's exactly what you said.

You're confusing me.

No, you're confusing me.

You're willing to hurt your
family by going on a ski trip

so that you can hurt a boy
by pretending that you don't

like him, now I think that's a little...

What, selfish?

Is that what you were gonna say?

No.

No, I like the way
that you drop that on me

after I spent all of this
time cool-ifying you.

I didn't say that, I
didn't say that at all.

No, that is the last
time I help someone out,

maybe I should only think about myself,

that way I'll never get hurt.

I wish you wouldn't say that, Lindsay.

Merry Christmas.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Yeah, good riddance?

Santa?

Claus?

Yes.

Look, we have to focus here.

There's a world of kids
waiting for presents

and I can't hang out in the
mall with you all night.

Okay, this is the real deal?

Yeah.

And this is one of the famous reindeer.

Comet.

But, um...

Aren't there supposed
to be other, you know,

on dasher, on blitzen, on
prancer and Vixen and dancer?

On comet, okay, comet, blitzen, Rudolph,

isn't there a dopey in there too?

The reindeer is for
show, we had to cut back

when their rates went
up, if I fire them all,

I have to deal with the
unions, it's paperwork,

it's a whole thing.

Oh, uh...

Well, you coming?

In your flying sled.

Chance of a lifetime.

Yeah, um, okay, there are
no seatbelts in this thing

which can not be very
safe at high altitudes,

I mean, you don't even
have a cd player in there.

Well, I was hoping
you'd come along with me,

after all you've done for me, I owe you.

Yeah, no, I don't think
I'll be risking my life

in this old rattletrap.

You can make anything fly, right?

More or less.

Uh-huh.

Okay, it's settled then,
grab your bags and follow me.

No way.

Way!

How is possible that gifts
for every kid in the world

fit in the back of my car?

Did they all ask for a pair
of earrings or something?

Ancient Santa secret,
two flips of the right ear

and I shrink everything down.

Oh, that is so cool, what
happens if you flip the left?

Two left flips, and
everything turns into full size

and we're crushed under a
mountain of toys, you ready?

Yeah, as long as I'm back
at Paige's by five in the

morning it'll be cool, I'm going
with them on their ski trip.

Got it, ready?

Yeah.

Um, what are you doing?

I'm driving, I always drive on Christmas.

Yeah, no, I don't remember
my dad's policy covering

Santa claus, you're riding shotgun.

Santa claus riding shotgun.

Yeah, that way.

Comet, I'll see you in the morning.

You're free to graze.

Someone's got some stolen merchandise.

Lindsay deerborne of 1844 rockaway drive,

I feel a banning coming on.

Okay, now explain the
ear flipping thing again?

Well, it's pretty simple,
rules, like morse code,

different combinations
of ear maneuvers cause

different effects.

Two flips on the right
side shrinks presents.

Exactly, and another
example, if I were to pull my

earlobe on the left side
four times, I'd speak perfect.

Cantonese.

How did we get airborne?

Well, we play it by ear.

It's exhilarating, isn't it?

This is awesome.

I can see my house and
my school and Paige...

Oh no, I forgot, I'm supposed
to have dinner there.

Once I was late for the sequel

and she practically
sent out a search party.

There's no signal.

We're too high up.

Hey, this is last year's gift from you.

Funny, I recall asking for better roaming.

It had unlimited evenings and weekends.

I'll call her when we're
back on planet earth.

Linds, I am freaking,
you are over an hour late

for dinner and you turned your phone off

and considering that you
keep it on even during tests

I would say that something is
up, I am calling your father

and if you are there
and you just didn't call

you are so dead, also let me
know if you're gonna bring

your pink baby tee because
I've got to wear it tomorrow

if you aren't going to.

It all started many years ago.

Should've turned this off.

Maybe that's Lindsay.

Yeah, maybe it is.

Hello, merry Christmas to you, Paige.

She's not here, I
thought she was with you.

Okay, if she shows up, please call us

and I'll tell her to call you
if she comes home, all right?

No, I haven't seen her
pink baby tee, I gotta go.

What is it, what happened?

Alexa, honey, why don't you and Santa

eat your dessert in the
den and he can finish

telling you his story.

- Okay.
- Thank you, Santa.

Paige hasn't seen Lindsay
since this afternoon.

Oh dear.

Okay, let's not panic.

Okay, maybe she's gone
to someone else's house,

I'll go get her phonebook
and make some calls.

That's a good idea, thank you.

Great.

Ugh, who's that?

Evening sir, Chuck lumley, mall security,

sectors one through 14.

Mall security guards don't have badges.

It's my driver's license, so what.

Can I see that?

This is a membership card to blockbuster.

I've never had one late fee, so back off.

I could've gotten my driver
license if I wanted to.

Oh, you're gonna fail
me for that, come on.

Yeah, anyway, those tests
are racially biased.

I have some news about your daughter

and it's a little disturbing.

What is it?

Think it'd be better if we sat down.

Um...

Still no signal, this thing sucks.

Sorry.

Where are we now?

Billy rathman's house.

What'd he ask for?

An x-box.

Whatever happened to baseball gloves?

In order to make toys these days

the elves have to have college degrees.

What are you doing?

I'm going down that chimney.

No way.

What, you don't think I can do that?

I made a car fly.

Okay, true, but this is a chimney,

a dirty filthy narrow chute.

Never had a problem
before, and you might recall

until recently I had a bit more girth.

Well, you coming?

I don't think so, these
pants cost 300 dollars.

Billy rathman needs his Christmas gift,

what's more important, well?

- How nice is this kid?
- Very nice.

Give away one of his kidneys nice

or just does his homework nice?

I think you should see for yourself.

Okay, I'm coming, coming.

Wow, that was so genie in a bottle.

Oh, Christina Aguilera, right?

No, I meant Barbara Eden
in I dream of Jeannie?

Jeannie, right.

Look, no black soot on the threads.

Magic does act as sort of
a dry cleaning protectant

and also freshens the clothes.

Hmm, lemony.

Down, I thought this
would be a problem, huh.

I'm not the easter bunny,
you know, that would be

very good with a little
chocolate chips in it,

now for my next trick.

Two flips of the left ear.

Eerie.

Does twitching your nose do anything?

I'm Santa, not Samantha.

Just asking.

Billy must have been a
really good boy this year.

Billy's a very good boy,

you know, there's a picture
of him right over there

on the mantle if you'd
like to look at him.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

No, no, of course not.

He really is adorable.

Well, they're all adorable.

Even the naughty ones?

Those are the ones that break your heart.

You know, there's not a
person on earth I don't want

to see on the nice list,
but some make it very hard.

Some make it almost impossible.

- And that, Mr. and Mrs.
Deerborne is the cold, hard truth

about your daughter.

So let me get this straight,
you saw Lindsay take off

in her own car with stolen
merchandise and some older man.

Yes, and earlier she
threw a hamburger at me.

Lindsay doesn't eat hamburgers.

No, she throws them.

Will you just forget about
the hamburger for a second?

Lindsay's obviously in
some kind of trouble.

Oh, I'd say she's in
trouble, missing Christmas,

hanging out with ne'er
do Wells, at this rate

I'd say she's a prime
candidate for juvenile hall.

I wouldn't go that far.

Oh, I've seen it happen,
first they're missing Christmas,

then they're missing their
armed robbery hearing.

Hmm, you may think you
have a sweet daughter now,

but the evil has already
begun, think of your youngest,

what kind of an example is
Lindsay setting for her?

I don't like what I'm hearing.

And I don't like to be
the bearer of bad news

but you're losing your little girl.

Don't you think you're
jumping to conclusions?

I'm just laying it out there.

You need to stay here for this one.

But I need to use the phone.

Shh, not here.

Please, I'll use a calling card.

I need to go in alone.

Why, do you want a cookie?

No, yes, but...

This is Rob bothwell's house.

And that's a problem because?

His son Timmy is a great kid,

but Rob's a tabloid
photographer, he's been trying

to get a picture of me for
years, if he got a picture

of the two of us together,
it'd be very bad.

Oh, yeah, I probably won't
be dating guys your age

until I'm well into my twenties.

Just stay in the car, please.

Got it, Santa.

Shh.

Little Robbie bothwell,
to think, I gave you

your first camera.

Santa?

You know that's a great
kid you got in there.

Yeah, the dentist says he needs braces.

They're really expensive.

I think I'd get a second opinion.

I will, Santa, I will.

Robbie?

Hand it over.

But my vacation photos are on this roll.

I will send you your vacation photos.

Do you think I could get double prints?

Matte or glossy?

Glossy please.

Merry Christmas, Robbie.

Merry Christmas, Santa,
no more pictures, I promise!

It's too bad you had to see that,

you can never tell what
people are gonna do

with their gifts once they're given.

You just hope for the best.

I gave William Shakespeare his first pen,

but I also gave a karaoke
machine to William hung.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You're a pretty amazing guy,
you're like a superstar.

Oh, I don't know about that, I mean,

I do give gifts to famous
people, the good ones, at least.

Wow, so can you tell me which celebs

are getting lipo and Botox for Christmas?

Lindsay, you're a little
too hung up on the superficial

things, you know that, don't you?

Easy, Santa.

That was pretty cool how
that guy acted around you,

though, you gotta like that power, right?

Robbie's a good man, he
just forgets it sometimes.

Most people are generally
good, they just get

scared from time to time.

What are they scared of?

Well, same things that scare you.

Getting a zit on yearbook photo day.

No, no, they're afraid they'll never have

enough money, find love,
and then when they find it

they're afraid they'll lose
their money or lose their love.

These are pretty powerful
feelings, makes people do things

they never would ordinarily
do, but when you strip away

all that fear and see the
real person underneath,

all they are is love,
when I look at people,

that's what I see.

You've earned it.

Oh, no, I shouldn't.

Half a cookie couldn't hurt.

Um...

Chocolate chip?

Yeah.

♪ Once a year the lights come shining ♪

♪ bells and Carols to remind ♪

♪ Christmas is a time for giving ♪

♪ under Christmas trees we find ♪

♪ we are bringing Christmas wishes ♪

♪ to all children who believe ♪

♪ smiling faces show it's better ♪

♪ to give than to receive ♪

♪ we believe in ♪

♪ angels keeping ♪

♪ children sleeping ♪

♪ Christmas morning sun comes up ♪

♪ and we see ♪

♪ wishes do come true
under the Christmas tree ♪

Are you sure it was my daughter you saw?

This can't be happening.

- Oh it is happening, Mr.
Deerborne, and only you

can stop it and it has
to happen right now.

Maybe we can send her
to a private school,

that way Lindsay can get the
attention that she needs.

Yeah, but would it prevent
her from coming to the mall

and hanging out with
significantly older men?

Not likely, this may come
as a bit of a shock to you

but I blame myself.

Why, what did you do?

That mall is my
responsibility, I let it decay

into a den of sin and
debauchery where no young person

is truly safe.

It has a Starbucks, those are nice.

I like the movie
theaters, got real butter.

Thank you for your kind words
but I'm afraid it's too late.

I think you're exaggerating,
the mall seems fine.

Oh, does it?

Why don't you look at
the facts for yourself?

That is a picture of a
human brain suffering from

the ravages of excessive
mall air conditioning

and too many trips to the gap.

It's a picture of you
dressed up as Tarzan.

So it is, but the brain
photo is still pretty bad,

believe me, I sure did have fun that day.

Can you just tell me what
this has to do with Lindsay

please?

Lindsay is not the problem,
the mall is the problem

and there's only one way you can save her.

And that's by signing
this contract banning her

from the mall for life.

- For life?
- For life.

We can't do that,
Lindsay loves that mall,

it's practically her second home.

No, it's her first home,
so much so that she'd rather

spend time there than
here with her family.

He's got a point.

You're not considering
signing that thing.

What if we just hear him out?

I know you love Lindsay,
we all love Lindsay,

heaven knows I'm gonna
miss her sweet smile

in the food court but
this mall has put a wedge

between you and her for years.

I don't know.

Think, Mr. Deerborne, of
the time spent not studying,

insanely high credit card
debt, all the moments

you could have shared with
her where you lost out

to a shoe sale, all of that
gone with a few strokes

of a pen, sign, Mr. Deerborne,
sign and you'll have

your daughter back.

This better be Brad Pitt.

Paige.

Linds, where are you?

Fred and I are doing the
whole toys all over the world

deal, I will be at your place
at five but you have to call

my parents and tell
them that I'm there now,

they're already freaked enough
about this whole ski trip

and this would only make me doubly dead.

Uh-huh, sure, when you
get to Italy, pick me up

something from Armani, Kay?

Don't fall asleep, you have to call them.

No, I won't fall back asleep,
I'll call them, I promise.

Bye.

I don't think I can do this.

You want your daughter back, don't you?

Come on, Mr. Deerborne, what's
it gonna be, time at the mall

or time with your daughter?

You should see it, I looked so hot,

with those shoes, I don't think so.

Excuse me, linds.

You feel like coming for a walk with us?

Please, daddy, I am on the phone.

Just trust me on this,
no, if you wear that

you might as well get a
t-shirt that says I hate style,

I'm telling you.

Hey, hon, wanna catch a movie?

Sorry, daddy, biggest
sale ever, next weekend,

I promise.

Next weekend.

Lunch is almost ready honey,
I cooked them just the way

you like them.

Sorry, daddy, meeting Paige
at the mall, be home at 11.

Honey, don't take it
personally, she's just being 16.

I know.

You want to barbecue?

- Hmm.
- Do it.

At least I won't burn them.

I'm not burning them, put another one on.

If you'd like to
make a call, please hang up

and try again, if you need
help, hang up and then dial...

Sign it.

Hey, phone calls can
wait, your daughter can't.

Hello, Paige?

Hey, come on, Paige, goodbye.

Shh.

Oh, thank god.

Oh, thank you so much for calling, Paige.

No, I haven't seen the baby tee, bye.

What?

Well, that was Paige,
apparently Lindsay got there

hours ago and she just fell asleep.

That is not true, she's lying, sign it

you blithering idiot.

Honey.

You get off my property.

When I prove I'm right,
you'll come crawling to sign.

This isn't over, this
isn't over by a long shot.

All right, here we
are, our last delivery.

You mean the last one before my sister's.

Yes, last one before your sister's.

We can use the front door there,

this whole chimney thing
is way too Mary poppins.

So what did you get Alexa?

That's between me and her.

Did you get her that trendy purse?

She's only six.

Well, it was worth a try,

so why'd you save this
place, it's not that close

to my house, there
something special about it?

Does Ashton kutcher live here?

No, they're all equally special to me.

So why end here?

Who's the present for?

Little boy, Scotty Caldwell.

Scotty Caldwell?

Anderson's little brother?

We are at Anderson Caldwell's house?

Well, technically the
house belongs to Todd

and Cynthia Caldwell, Anderson
is their son so in fact

he does live here, ready?

Has all the cookie dough
gone directly to your brain?

I am not going in there.

Well, I'd thought you'd
like to see where he lives.

If I wanted to see where
he lived, I would have gone

on one of the dozens
of times he invited me.

Why didn't you?

I was picking my moment,
and this is not it,

my moment is on the ski trip,
I have it all planned out.

I can see that you do.

You're not scared are you,
I mean, I've seen it before.

Before I gave babe Ruth
his first baseball bat

do you know he was actually
scared of the ball?

Can you imagine that?

I am not scared.

Well, what's the problem?

A semester's worth of playing hard to get

and I end up breaking into his house

though the chimney?

You'll be fine.

If he wakes up and sees me,
oh, you are so dead, Santa.

I know, I know, way dead.

Anderson's stocking, oh,
that is the cutest thing ever.

I wish I had something to put in there.

Well, you can't beat fresh breath.

Wow, they're like some
form of genetically perfect

superhumans.

- They're a very nice family.
- Our kids are

gonna be gorgeous.

Don't you think you should
have at least one date with him

before planning a family?

A girl can dream, right?

What was that?

Is it Anderson?

Mmhmm.

What's he wearing?

Pajama bottoms.

That was too close.

Beam me up, Santa.

What took you so long,
I am in cardiac arrest

over this stop already.

Come on, you didn't like it?

Okay, it wasn't terrible.

I loved it, okay, satisfied?

He's cute, right?

Everybody's cute.

Are you ever gonna
give me a straight answer

on someone's looks?

I think you are very
cute, straight enough?

That'll do.

Well, I fulfilled my end of the bargain,

every nice kid in the world
is gonna wake up smiling.

It's a pretty nice feeling isn't it?

Yeah, now for my reward, later today,

when I'm sitting by the fire at the chalet

and Anderson looks longingly into my eyes

and moves in to kiss me
with the fresh breath

that I provided I know I am entitled

to every glorious minute.

Very nice, first, we
need to make one more stop,

you haven't forgotten
your sister, have you?

I haven't, but Paige's family
leaves in like 10 minutes.

Couldn't you drop me off first?

A detour by your house
will only take a second,

Paige is just across the street.

If I miss my ride, do you
know who has to take me?

Greyhound?

Don't even joke about that.

Now listen, I don't want any arguments,

we are going to do this
the old fashioned way,

on solid ground, the last
thing I need is for Paige's

family to see us coming in for a landing.

Put your hands back on the wheel.

I like the sleigh better.

Someday, someday the rain is gonna come,

the rain is gonna come
and it's gonna wash away

the pain, the pain of the sidewalk sales,

the crappy mall fashion shows
and little kiddies crying

'cause he lost his mommy.

What the...

This is lumley heading up
operation teenage wasteland,

we have an unmarked vehicle
parked after mall hours

taking up eight spots, copy.

This is lumley, copy.

Mall security never sleeps,
it is a 24 hour thrill ride

through the pits of your
soul, it is a pride swallowing

journey of self discovery
and an endless grind

to the mind and body,
it is not for the lazy,

it is not for the weak!

Come on, guys, it's Chuck.

Okay, this one is for the top lock,

this one is for the bottom.

What, you're not gonna do it yourself?

Why not, you did such
a good job all night.

That was different, those were...

Strangers, all the more
reason this should be

even easier for you, there's
not even a remote chance

that you'll be breaking or entering.

I know what you're trying to do.

You expect me to go in there
and take one look at my house

and then I'll start
thinking about my family

and get all touchy and feely
and then not want to go

on the ski trip, right?

Guilty as charged.

That is so lame,
hello, do you even know me?

I just finished delivering
toys to kids around the world.

There is no chance that anybody
can say that I am selfish.

I earned that trip.

Then there should be no
problem with you delivering

these presents to your sister.

Fine, I'll go, but when
I come back and tell you

that I'm still going on that
trip, you'll drop it, right?

Sure, I promise.

Lindsay!

Hey.

You're home.

Yeah, Santa asked me to
put your gift under the tree.

You're my gift under the tree.

What do you mean?

I told Santa I wanted
you home for Christmas

and you are.

That's what you asked Santa for?

Oh.

Don't you say anything.

I wasn't gonna say anything.

Ski pants make me look too heavy anyway.

What?

So.

Had a good time stealing
with a teenage girl,

you sick twisted man?

You better watch out,
you're talking to Santa claus.

Little chuckie lumley?

Can it, freak show, right
now the goods are probably

on a ship to Honduras, little
black market toy ring, huh?

The only boy who was
never on Santa's list

no matter how much I wanted him to be.

The Chuck wagon don't
care about Santa's list

and you want to know why?

Because Santa claus doesn't exist,

but I do exist and I got a list of my own

and you're both on it, it's
a little something I like

to call banned from the mall for life.

How you like them burgers, man!

Yo, that suit be cracking, dawg.

Thank you, dog.

It's so good, thank you for hooking me up

with the burgers, I got your back, claus.

Yo guys, this one's got ketchup.

Ma'am, stop, please.

Alyson?

It's been quite a journey
but the north pole awaits.

When are we gonna hang out again?

Well, there's always next Christmas.

Lindsay, thank you for all
the advice and cool clothes.

Oh please, all that letting me change you

from the outside in?

The whole time you were showing me that

change only comes from the inside out.

You're a good girl.

You're a good guy, Santa.

For what it's worth, fashion sense or not,

Mrs. Claus is very lucky to have you.

Thanks for saying that.

Well, it's been real.

Comet, shall we go?

And don't ever forget about cupid.

I won't, believe me, I won't.

Giddy up!

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Merry Christmas, Lindsay.

And to all a good night.

I'm glad you're home, linds.

Me too, daddy.

Who could that be, you
didn't expect anybody, did you?

Would I ever invite someone
over on Christmas day?

It's family time, don't you know me?

Why don't you go see who it is?

Okay.

Thanks.

Hi.

Hey, linds.

I got your note.

I'm sorry, what?

You didn't get one of
my friends to plant a note

in my stocking?

Uh, no, what's it say?

Dear Anderson, if you're
willing to skip the ski trip

you can come and watch a
movie with me and my family

on Christmas day, I know I've
been rude and insensitive

in the past but that was
only because I have trouble

admitting my feelings,
it also said something

about how you care way too much
about clothes, love Lindsay.

I didn't write that!

Okay, I guess the joke's
on me then, I'm sorry.

Wait.

What?

Uh...

What I mean is I didn't
write it by myself.

A friend helped me.

I...

I like you.

I like you too, okay, but
you got to help me out because.

Come on in, the movie's already started.

Hi honey, I'm home.

Darling.

Is that really you?

I might ask the same question of you.

Oh my, seems as though
we've gotten each other

the same gift.

Matching Christmas makeovers?

Aren't we just the cutest couple ever?

Shall we dance?

No way.

Way.

♪ Santa baby ♪

♪ you really understand ♪

♪ that it's the clothes
that make the man ♪

♪ appealing to the missus ♪

♪ you better watch out
for all those kisses ♪

♪ Living in the north pole ♪

♪ how could he understand ♪

♪ that life without snow could
be something really grand ♪

♪ and all of us who've
never seen a real reindeer ♪

♪ know green's the color
of Christmas cheer ♪

♪ the lawn may need mowing ♪

♪ but all the grass that's growing ♪

♪ but Christmas is cooler this year ♪

♪ cool Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ I'm asking Santa baby for
a Christmas that's brimming ♪

♪ with lots of colored lights ♪

♪ and all the trees
with all the trimming ♪

♪ I'm asking Santa claus for
a Christmas that's cool ♪

♪ singing Christmas Carols
'round the swimming pool ♪

♪ cool Christmas ♪

♪ cool, cool Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ the globe may be warming ♪

♪ and honey bees are swarming ♪

♪ but Christmas is cooler this year ♪

♪ cool Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ I'm asking Santa baby for
Christmas that's brimming ♪

♪ with lots of colored lights ♪

♪ an all the trees with all the trimming ♪

♪ I'm asking Santa claus for
a Christmas that's cool ♪

♪ singing Christmas Carols
round the swimming pool ♪

♪ cool Christmas ♪

♪ cool, cool Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ since you've been getting nearer ♪

♪ the world's been getting clearer ♪

♪ and Christmas is cooler this year ♪

♪ cool Christmas ♪

♪ too cool for Christmas ♪

♪ I'm asking Santa baby for
a Christmas that's brimming ♪

♪ with lots of colored lights ♪

♪ and all the trees
with all the trimming ♪

♪ I'm asking Santa claus for
a Christmas that's cool ♪

♪ singing Christmas Carols
'round the swimming pool ♪

♪ cool Christmas ♪

♪ cool, cool Christmas ♪

♪ fa la la la la ♪