All language subtitles for OnfgggfgLonely (1991)

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♪ Dum dum dum dum doo wa ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Only the lonely ♪

♪ Only the lonely ♪

♪ Only the lonely ♪

♪ Dum dum dum
dum doo wa ♪

♪ Know the way
I feel tonight ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Only the lonely ♪

♪ Dum dum dum
dum doo wa ♪

♪ Know this feeling ain't right ♪

♪ There goes my baby ♪

♪ There goes my heart ♪

♪ They're gone forever ♪

♪ So far apart ♪

♪ But only the lonely ♪

♪ Know why ♪

♪ I cry ♪

♪ Only the lonely ♪

♪ Dum dum dum
dum doo wa ♪

How you doing, Frank?

Morning, Danny.
It's a gorgeous day.

Isn't it?

Thank you.

How are you, Clark?

Good morning there, Danny.

There you go.

Thank you.

♪ Only the lonely ♪

♪ Dum dum dum
dum doo wa ♪

Morning, Danny.

♪ Know the heartaches
I've been through ♪

How's it going, John, Marty?

♪ Only the lonely ♪

Hi.
Morning.

♪ Know I cry, cry for you ♪

Oh, Danny. Wait.

Here, wait, wait, wait.

How you doing, Nick?

Fine.

Give this to your mother.

Thanks.

♪ But that's the chance ♪

♪ You gotta take ♪

♪ If your lonely
heart breaks ♪

♪ Only the lonely ♪

Good morning, Danny.
Morning, ma.

I told you not to hang
your coat on the banister.

It ruins the shape.

Sorry.

Did you get my paper?

Mm-hmm.
Thanks.

My lotto ticket?

Mm-hmm.

What's this?

From Nick.

Give it back.

Why? Come on, ma.
Nick's a good guy.

Typical Greek.

I know what he's up to.

If I accept it,
he'll think I'm easy.

I don't want to know this.

What's that?

Prime rib.

When did you
start eating yogurt?

Where's your danish?

I'm trying to cut back.

You, cut back?

My pants are getting
a little tight,

so I thought
I'd give this a try.

Well, you can't expect
to fit into boys' sizes.

You're not a boy anymore.

I'm 38 years old, ma.

I haven't been
a boy for 20 years.

My son, the anorexic.

Aw, damn. Fisk
isn't going to play.

You going to the game?

Yeah, tomorrow.
Sal and me.

Boston's in town. Clemens is pitching.
Should be a great game.

But tomorrow's Wednesday.

Yeah.

And Wednesday
we go to bingo.

Couldn't we skip it
this week, ma?

Skip it, Danny?

I can't skip bingo.
I love it.

I haven't skipped
bingo in 25 years.

Look, I--I'd cancel,

it's just, you know,

Sal got these tickets
over three months ago.

Ok. I'll go myself.

Just be careful.

There's a lot of construction
around the church,

and I don't want you
slipping and falling.

I will.

Your eyes aren't
so good anymore.

Don't start that.

My eyes are perfect.

Then why are you pouring
orange juice in your coffee?

Damn cartons.

They're all
decorated the same.

Ah!

Aah!

Oh, Danny.

I hope you enjoyed
your baseball game.

Uh... ma,

look, I'll--I'll skip the game.

We'll go to bingo.

Oh, no, no.
That's all right.

You go ahead.
Enjoy yourself.

No. No, I can go
to a game anytime, ma.

Bingo only comes
once a week.

Thank you, Danny.

Ah, it's ok.

Are you going
to eat that?

No. You want it?

Yeah. I'll start
my diet tomorrow.

That's sissy food anyway.

True.

Very true.

The district court of Salvatore
Buonarte and Danny Muldoon

is now in session.

All rise.

What's the accused
charged with?

Uh, name's
Dwayne Earl Tyrone.

Apparently he ran this
piece-of-shit apartment housing

down on the South side.

Mostly senior citizens, right?

Well, he'd take their
monthly checks, cash them,

and strangle them to death.

Aw, gee.

How come guys
like that do that?

Chemical imbalance
or something, you know.

Yeah?

I read that somewhere.

You mean it's kind
of a vitamin thing?

Yeah. It's a deficiency of
some sort, like rickets.

Yeah?
You take vitamins, Tyrone?

Nah.

I'm going to start
taking vitamins.

Yeah, me, too.

So... how's the wife?

Ooh.

She cut me off, Danny.

For how long?

She says until I seek
professional help.

For what?

She thinks I'm
getting weird in bed.

Are you?

Well... we been
doing it the same way

for the past
10 years, Danny.

Once a week,
every Saturday night,

right after the
9:00 sports, right?

Same position,
seven minutes of foreplay,

12 minutes of sex, and we
keep our pajama tops on.

Well, I'm getting bored out of my skull.
Right, Danny?

So I says to her,
you know,

"Why don't we add
a little spice?"

You know,
go state of the art.

State of the art?

Well, yeah,
state of the art.

You know, now it's
the computer age, right?

Electronics and stuff.

So I figure I'll go to
the mature shop, right?

Pick up something.

I bought me
one of these...

These big digital
marriage counselors, right?

What's that?

It's a big, you know...

It's like, uh...

It's a love enhancer.
It's like a device.

All right. So I bring this

into the bedroom
on Saturday night.

I pull it out.
I put it on her pillow.

You know,
a little surprise.

Surprised the shit
out of her.

She freaks.
She tries to kill it.

She thinks it's
a giant centipede.

You're kidding.

So I been on the couch
ever since.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear about that.

I envy you, though.
Me?

Yeah. You don't
have to put up

with this bullshit
and heartache, you know?

You can jump in the sack
with any chick you want.

If she don't
like your habits,

you're on
to the next one.

Well, it's been
a little slow lately.

You know, that's the most
infuriating thing about you--

you don't take advantage of your
God-given position in life.

When's the last time
you were on a date?

Two, three months ago.

Nine. Try nine, Danny.
Hey, who's counting?

When's the last time
you got laid?

Sal.
Come on, when?

It's been so long, you don't
even remember, do you?

Hey, I remember.

So, when?

That's personal.

Oh, yeah? Why don't we try
five years personal, Danny?

Why don't you shut up

and mind your own
business, all right?

Ok.

Good night, son.

Good night, mom.

15, hut!

Go on. Turn!

Ooh.

You know, coach
says he's a natural.

At what?

At wide receiver.

Maybe if he put
some weight on.

He could be a jockey.

I'm kidding.

Or a guard
or a tackle, maybe.

Same thing.

Right, right, right.

On 1-- set, 35- hut!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Ok, Billy, Billy,
Billy. Right there.

Catch the ball, Billy.

I hate this game.

Billy.

Billy, would you
come back and practice?

What does he have
to practice for?

He's a natural.

Let's get a beer.

How's work?

It's fine.

Aren't you
getting tired of it?

No, no. Sal and I,
we have a lot of laughs.

Still, Danny, you've
been driving that wagon

for what, 15 years?

Picking up stiffs,
hauling away criminals.

You deserve better.

I don't want better.

Look, I am this close

to John Burrows,
your superintendent.

Now, we play golf
every Sunday.

Just say the word, and I could
get you transferred to Florida.

Nah. I don't want to go.

Come on, Danny.

You and mom can get
that waterfront condo

that you've been
talking about.

I don't want
to go to Florida.

I'm not ready
to retire yet, ok?

Ok.

Just say the word.

Fine. Thank you.

Well, it gives
Patrick headaches.

Well, he never had headaches
when he lived with me.

So how's mom?

She looks tired.

She needs a change,
you know?

Different environment.

Susan and I would
take her for a while.

You would?

Yeah, but she'd
hate it here.

Maybe not.

I just think she's happier
in her own house.

You know,
where we grew up,

where she and dad lived,

where she knew everybody.

And where I can
take care of her, right?

Well, yeah.
That, too. So what?

I mean, you make
her happy, Dan.

You're her favorite son.

Aw, come on.
Don't pull that.

Plus you get your meals
cooked, your laundry done,

and your bed made.
Believe me,

you'll never find a wife
who'll do all that.

You're a good lawyer, Patrick.

A very good lawyer.

You know, maybe a gymnast.

Aah!

Good evening, Clark.

Ah, evening, Rose.
Evening, Danny.

Ah, two more thirsty mouths.

The usual, is it?

What do you suppose?

What's the score?

Boston's winning by 3.

Aw, gee.

You didn't miss much.

♪ Push, push ♪

♪ Push ♪

♪ Tooraloo ♪

♪ Tooralee ♪

♪ 46 Miles from Bangore ♪

♪ to Daingean ♪

Three doubles.

I'm sorry, boys, but I
can't be serving you.

Why?

You've already had
a bit too much,

and your friend there's fluthered.

Fluthered?
Yeah.

It's parched, he is.

He hasn't wet his lips
in 24 hours.

Frank, don't you recognize
your old pal here?

Holy mother of God.

It's Tommy Bones.

So?

He died yesterday.

Get him out of here.

We can explain.

Larry, explain.

One August, back in '58,

me and Jack here,

we made a promise to Tommy.

We swore we'd bring
him back to O'Neill's

the night before his wake

for one last Jameson.

Yeah, for his journey.

It's a sacred duty, then?

Oh, yes.
Oh, it is. It is.

Let it never be said

that an O'Neill broke
a promise to the dead.

Three doubles it is.

And if he drinks it,

it's on the house.

Graverobbers.

All right.
Give him back.

After he's had a drink.

No, right now.

When he's had a drink.

Look, I could have
you two arrested.

You know, you can't
walk into a funeral home,

take a corpse, and
bring it to a tavern.

What's the matter
with you, for God's--

all right.
What's going on here?

Officer, these two idiots

snuck into my funeral
home and took the body

while my daughter Theresa
was on her coffee break.

All right. Here's what
we're going to do.

You two are going
to take him back.

That is, unless you
decide to press charges.

No, no. I don't want
to press charges.

Ok, fine. Take the body back.
He can't drink anyway.

What did you do,
sew his lips shut?

All right. That's
enough out of you.

All right? I want you to take
him back, understand?

Then the both of you go home.

Don't break him.

Easy does it through there.

All right.

So that was Joey Luna, huh?
Yeah.

He's got the parlor over
there on Morgan street?

That's right.

I guess that was his daughter.

She works for him.

Oh, yeah? Doing what?

Painting faces.

Dead faces?

Yeah. She couldn't get a job

right out of cosmetics school.

Is she married?

No. You know how it is.

The business she's in
turns most guys off.

Oh, it would. Yeah.

Why? Are you interested?

Oh, no. No, no. I'm just
curious, that's all.

You know, I...

If you are, go for it.
Don't waste your time.

Ask the girl out.

Why should he?

He's perfectly happy now.

Why screw things up?

Don't listen to him, Danny boy.

Don't end up bachelors
like the two of us.

Speak for yourself.

Danny's doing fine.

He doesn't have to go
chasing some ghoul

from a funeral parlor
for a date.

He can do better than that.

He doesn't have time
to do better.

All the good ones
will be taken.

The girls should be chasing him.

I don't believe this.

I'm getting romantic
advice from a widow

and two bachelors.

One very experienced bachelor.

Celibacy is considered experience?

Oh, I've had me share of women.
Three.

Just never been stupid
enough to marry them.

You never been
fortunate enough.

They all said no.

If I'd have gotten married,

I wouldn't be where I am now.

In a tavern?

Free, living like a king.

You live at the Y.

I don't have to answer to anyone.

I come and go as I please.

I do what I want when I want.

Don't listen to him, Danny boy.

Call that girl.

Don't spend your life
full of regrets.

...be seeing me.

I'll be seeing you, too.

Every day and every night
and every minute...

Could have been...

It can't be.

Goodbye, fountain...

And God bless you.

Goodbye, Blake.

Goodbye, Dan.

You missed a spot.

I'm--it was just a joke.

I'm s-- I didn't
mean to scare you.

No one is allowed back here.

Sorry. I, um...

Is there a problem?

No. No problem at all.

I--actually, uh...

I saw you at O'Neill's
the other night,

and, uh...

Well...

I--I, um...

Ohh...

Don't you just hate all
that awkward stuff

that, uh, goes with
asking someone out

on a date for the first time?

I'll make it easy for you.

I'll give you a list
of possible excuses,

things I've heard a
million times before.

All you have to do
is say yes or no.

That way, it takes the
pressure off both of us.

Make sense to you?

Yeah.

Good. Ok, uh, here we go.

Reasons why you can't go
out with me on Saturday--

you're seeing somebody else.

No.

You're having your
wisdom teeth pulled.

No.

You're washing your hair.

No.

You're going shopping.

You have to babysit
for your, uh,

neighbor's kids,
nieces, or nephews.

No.

You're doing the laundry.

No.

You have to lube your car?

No.

You're getting your legs waxed.

No.

I think that just about
covers everything.

You forgot one thing.

What's that?

If somebody dies,

I'm stuck here.

Oh, sure. Of course.

Yeah, that-- yeah,
that-- I-- yeah, sure.

But nobody died yet.

So you're, uh...
You're free?

Uh-huh.

Oh...
That's terrific.

Great. Thanks. Ok.

That's-- that's wonderful.

Thank you.

Um, how about 7:00
I'll pick you up?

Uh...
Where do you live?

Here.

With the stiffs?

My father and I have
an apartment upstairs.

Oh, sure.
Of course.

That's--that's, uh, convenient.

Yeah,

it would be.

So 7:00, then.

If nobody dies.

If nobody dies.
Of course.

7:00.

Did you... Mean him to look like, uh...
Clark Gable?

Yeah.

You did that?

Yeah.

Wow.
That's very good.

That's a talent.

Yeah... yeah, that's terrific.

He's a--
he's a dead ringer.

I didn't mean dead like that.

I don't mean...
Dead like that dead.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean--

you know what I meant.

In fairness to--

I'll see you at 7:00.

Ok.
Great. Great.

I'll, uh, close up here for you.

I'll get these. I'm sorry...

If I bothered you.

Don't screw this one up, Theresa.

Yeah!

I'm sorry.

See, I just got lucky
in there with a girl.

I didn't mean it like that.

It's not what you're thinking.

She does everybody in there.

Not... in that way.

But she probably did that
guy there, for example.

I got to go.

Can you believe that guy?

Hello, Marty.
Hello, John.

Rose.

Rose.

I'm trying again.

Will you please
accept these flowers?

I don't want them,

and I don't date greeks.

You know, you and I could
make each other so happy.

Oh, forget it.

Greek men are great lovers.

And Greek men never bathe.

I bathe twice a day,

three times when
I do my sit-ups.

[Slapping]

Feel that stomach.

Hard...
Like a 18-year-old.

Go on, feel it.

I'm not feeling
anything of yours.

Rose, you have forgotten

what a sweet thing
romance can be.

Come to my bed.

You will never leave.

Have a little respect.

You're speaking to a lady.

I apologize.
I spoke my heart...

And not my head.

A beautiful woman like you...

Has that effect on me.

Oh. Oh, Danny.

Where are you going
all dressed up?

I've, uh, ahem,
got a date, sort of.

Oh...

That's your father's jacket.

It fits pretty good, doesn't it?

And your tie--
just like your father.

You always make
the knot too big.

Let's see. There now.

Oh, Danny,

give these to your girl.

Women love flowers.

Some of them.

Thanks.

I got to go.

Oh, he's got a girl.

He's lucky.

[Organ plays 'Take Me
Out to the Ballgame']

I hope you don't mind coming here.

I wanted to bring you somewhere
special on our first date.

Danny!

Want me to turn the
scoreboard lights on?

You want to see the scoreboard?
It's really something.

Yeah.

Go for it, Leo!

Ok!

Oh, that's great.

Whoa!

Pretty, huh?

Thanks, Leo!

No problem, Danny.

It's a shame they're going to
tear the whole place down.

Leo, he's been
around here as--

jeez, as long
as I can remember.

Great guy.

He lets me in
any time I want.

Sometimes it's good
to be a cop.

Oh, yeah.

My brother, uh, had
his bachelor party here.

Oh, ho.

It was great.

We played baseball
all night.

We had half barrels on each
of the bases, you know,

so every time a guy got a
hit and you got on base,

you had to chug a pint.

So all night, it was hit,
drink, hit, drink, hit, drink--

all night long,
it went like that.

In the morning, ok?

The Sox came out--
they got a day game--

they came out here,

20 drunken Irishmen
all over the infield.

It was a mess.

Guys were throwing up...
Oh, God...

That was funny.

That's the wrong story
to tell you.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to bring that one up.

That's a bad story
to tell on a first date.

That's not--
that's not a good story.

I'm sorry. That's a--
that's a bad story.

It was funny, but that's not
a good one to tell you.

I'm sorry about that.

I've been Mr. motor mouth
all night long, you know?

And, uh...
Gee, I'm sorry.

Why don't you take
the floor for a while?

Me?

Yeah.

You don't want
to hear about me.

Yes, I do.

It's boring.

No. Come on.

Like what?

Like anything.
I don't know.

Like, um...

What your favorite
color is, uh...

What you're going to
do with your life,

uh, what, uh-- how many
brothers and sisters you got.

I don't care, really.
Anything.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to put you on the spot.

Light blue.

Sorry?

My favorite color
is light blue.

That's a very nice color.

Light blue.

Yeah.

That's terrific.

Boy, it's a shame

they're going to
tear this all down.

Was everything ok with dinner?

It was fine.

You didn't eat much.

It was very good.

Thanks.

The chicken was a little
greasy, wasn't it?

No.

It's not too late.

Do you want to go out
for a drink or something?

Watch yourself there.

No, I...

I have to work in the morning.

Somebody die?

Two people.

Big day, huh?

Yeah.

Well...

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Danny.

Yeah?

Is everything ok?

You all right?

I had a wonderful time tonight.

You did?

I know it seemed like I didn't.

It seemed like you wanted
to be on another planet.

I didn't.

Look, I know I talk
too much sometimes.

I apologize for that.

No. It's not you.

It's me.

You?

I have this... thing.

What thing?

I have this...

Introverted kind of thing.

Introverted? That just
means you're shy.

No.

No, it's worse than shy.

I guess it doesn't help
spending eight hours a day

with people who don't
talk back to you.

No, I guess not.

But...

I'm trying to get past it,

to beat it...

And it isn't easy, but if
you could just bear with me

and maybe give me
one more chance,

I think I'm going to get
a lot better because...

I'm feeling...

Very comfortable around you,

and I would really like
to go out with you again,

if you would... you know,

like to go out with me again.

I'd love to see you again.

Yeah?

What are you, nuts?

I didn't mean that.

Yeah?

That's good. That's great.

Yeah.

That is great.

There's a waterway terrace.

It's 20 miles from St. Pete.

[Door closes]

Is that you, Danny?

Yeah, mom.

How was your date?

It was nice.
Very nice.

Did you spend all evening
talking about dead bodies?

No, we didn't talk shop.

What are you
doing here so late?

Susan kick you
out of the house?

He's got a surprise for you.

Oh, yeah?
What's that?

You're moving to Florida.

I'm what?

You and mom.

You're moving to St. Pete.

I played 18 with
Burrows yesterday.

He agreed to move you
to a Florida precinct.

But why?

Why now?

Well, I needed an investment.

You know, I was thinking
about our talk,

and, Danny, you're
absolutely right--

mom needs a change of pace.

Yeah, but...
What about me?

Maybe I'm not ready
to leave Chicago.

Well, you'll want to leave
Chicago eventually anyway,

so what difference does it make

if it's a couple of years earlier?

Why wouldn't you talk to me first?

Well, I wanted to surprise you.

It's a surprise, all right.

So is being hit by a bus.

Now be polite.

This is costing Patrick
a lot of money.

Look, I don't want to
rain on your parade,

but I'd like to be
included in a decision

that's going to affect
the rest of my life.

Hey, Danny,

this is going to be
great for all of us.

Yeah. Well, you're not
the one that's moving.

Would you think about ma?

All her relatives
live down there.

I mean, think about how
happy she's going to be.

You don't have to worry about
her slipping on the ice

and breaking her hip

or catching pneumonia from
that winter draft upstairs.

Yeah.

Or walking into
the side of a cab

because she's too damn stubborn
to buy a pair of glasses.

You're right.

Danny, you should've seen
her face when I told her.

Really?

I mean, 20 years just...
melted away.

Where's the stinker?

Apartment 603.

But the elevator's broken,

so you're going to
have to carry the body

down the stairs.

Son of a bitch.

Ah, wagon men.
You couldn't pay me enough.

So, you get laid, or what?

No, no.
It was just a date.

What's her name?

Theresa.

Theresa.

The lovely Theresa.

Will you stop that?

So, uh, was she good
in the sack, or what?

Will you drop it, please?

Speaking of which...

Oh, my back.

Ah, God damn elevator.

I'm not carrying this
guy down six flights,

I'll tell you that right now.

What do you want to do,
roll him down the stairs?

Just a second.

Check it out, man.

Hey.

Hey, Sal.
Yeah.

About the football game.

Oh, yeah.
I'm really excited, man.

50-yard line seats.

They're playing the Packers.

We'll be able to nab

some good autographs
from the sidelines.

Yeah, uh...
I can't go.

What? Well, it's not
bingo night, is it?

No. I promised Theresa

I'd take her to the ballet.

The ballet, huh?

Pussy-whipped.

Pardon?

Hey, look, I could give two shits

about the game, Danny.

It's you I'm worried about.

Me?

Yeah. Hey, don't
go getting serious

and falling for this
chick, all right?

Why? Is something
wrong with that?

Well, you know,

you got to leave your options open, Danny.
That's all.

I mean, lady-wise,

you've broken the
dry spell, right?

So maybe you're on a
roll, that's all.

You know, ask out some
of the other babes.

Sample some of the other flavors.

I mean, that's what I would do,

you know what I mean?

Otherwise, uh,

you're going to get trapped.

Believe me,

it's miserable.

Huh?

Ok. We got it.

All right.

Aw, shit!
Aw, shit!

What do we do now?

I guess we have to
bring him back up.

I ain't bringing him
back up here.

He's too damn heavy.

Well, what do you suggest we do?

Cut the hose.

Cut the hose?

Yeah. Let him fall.

To the ground?
Yeah.

A fall like that could kill a guy.

He's dead, for Christ's sake.

He's not going to feel nothing.

I don't think it's
such a bright idea.

Why not?

Well, for one thing,

look at the crowd down there.

Ah, maybe you're right.

Let's just bring him up.

Ugh!
Ooh!

Get back.

Aw, shit!
Aw, shit!

Sometimes it is not good

to be a cop.

♪ How lucky can one guy be... ♪

How much is it?

Uh, that's $790 plus tax.

I'll, uh-- ahem.
I'll take it.

Oh, good.

Is there a-- a layaway plan?

Ah, yes, sir.

Good.

Of course, the suit
has to stay here.

Oh, sure.
I knew that.

I don't suppose

you could rent the suit?

No, sir.
Not at this store.

I was joking.
I knew that.

Yes.

Yeah, no.
I'll--I'll take it.

I like it very much.

Nice lines to it.

Oh, it looks very
nice on you, sir.

Not too flashy, huh?

No, no.
It's very conservative.

Yeah. That's me.
I'm a--

I'm very conservative myself,

so I would naturally
go, you know,

for a more conservative look.

Yeah. Looks much like a banker.

Really?

Banker.

Yeah.

Hello.

How much would you like today?

$790.

Go ahead.

Don't forget to say thank you.

All right.

Let's get as much as we can.

[Knock on door]

Coming.

Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.

Tell your parents

these are from Rose Muldoon,

cooked in her own kitchen.

Ok. Thank you.
Ok. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Where are you going
all dressed up?

I'm going on a date.

Since when?

Since last week, when I told you.

You did not.

I did, too.

I told you this Saturday night,

I'm taking Theresa to the ballet.

Oh, I would have remembered.

And who's going to help me

hand out
the apples now?

Oh, come on, ma.
You can do it.

We only get about 50
trick-or-treaters.

You think I'm going
to that door alone?

What if it's a crack maniac

dressed up as Frankenstein

or a rapist dressed
up like Elmer Fudd?

Well, I tell you
what you do, ma.

You peek out the window,

and if Elmer Fudd's
over 4 feet tall,

you don't let him in.

Oh...

We always gave out
the apples together

on Halloween.

You must have some
sort of affection

for this girl.

New suit, ballet.

Fancy-schmancy.

Theresa happens to be

a very nice girl, ma.

Is she Irish?

No. No, she's not.

She's...

She's Italian.

A Guinea?

Oh, ma.

Oh, at least tell me

she's not a Sicilian, please.

She is Sicilian, ma.

Black death.

Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

How many times
have I told you

to keep away
from those Sicilians?

They'll cut your stomach out

if they think you've
swallowed a penny.

I got to get out of here.

And who started the Cosa Nostra?

The Sicilians.

Who invented prostitution,
drugs, gambling?

The Sicilians.

My father used to always say--

[speaking Celtic]

I know. I know.

"I'd rather spend eternity in hell

than shake hands with a Sicilian."

Well, see to it you
remember that tonight.

I will.

I got to go.

Have a happy Halloween, ma.

You, too.

There'll be a lot of
pretty Irish girls

in Florida.

[Orchestra plays]

Sometimes it's
good to be a cop.

Yeah.

[Knock on door]

Hold on.

Ah, look at that.

What a darling little costume.

Aren't we scary?

Trick or treat.

Now shut up and get inside!

You--you crack maniac.

If my son were here,
he'd shoot you.

Shoot you dead!

Does your mother know

what you're doing for a living?

Aah!

Oh, Danny,

I hope your fancy-schmancy ballet

was worth it.

[Cymbals crash]

I'll be right back.

Sorry.

Is everything ok?

Yeah. I just had to
check on my mom.

Oh.

[Applause]

♪ I been searchin' a long time ♪

♪ For someone exactly like you ♪

♪ I been travelin' all
around the world ♪

♪ Waitin' for you
to come through ♪

I'd like to do makeup
for Broadway.

Really?

Maybe give New York a shot.

Why not, you know?

If you think about it,

what I do every day
is like the theater.

I mean, you've got
this person on display

in front of everybody,

and you've got to
make them look good.

Course.

That's why, when
somebody dies, right,

the first thing
I do is figure out

what famous celebrity
they look like,

and then I fix up
the dead person

to look just like them.

That's a talent.

It's good practice.

I haven't had any complaints
from the relatives...

So far.

♪ Marching to the beat
of a different drum ♪

♪ But then lately
I have realized ♪

♪ Maybe the best is yet to come ♪

♪ Someone like you ♪

♪ Make it all worthwhile ♪

♪ Someone like you ♪

♪ Keep me satisfied ♪

♪ Someone exactly like you ♪

♪ Someone exactly like you ♪

♪ Someone exactly like you ♪

♪ The best is yet to come ♪

♪ The best is yet to come ♪

This is a plan to get
me out of the house.

I don't like it.

I don't like being used.

You're not being used.

Patrick and Susan
just want to spend

some time alone
with you, that's all.

And you want to spend
some time alone

with this girl.

I just want to have
a nice dinner with her.

Well, any silverware she uses,

wash it twice.

Heavy on the rinse cycle.

Those Sicilian germs

stick to your forks like glue.

Why don't you take
her out to dinner?

Because I want to cook.

If she eats your cooking,

it'll be a short romance.

Well, I learned
from the best.

Kidding.
I'm kidding.

Nick the Greek asked
me for a date.

Oh, yeah?
You going to go?

Well, I told him I'd consider it

if he did something for me.

Yeah, like what?

Watch this house.

Watch this house?
Why?

Let me know when that girl leaves.

If she's not out of here by 1:00,

Nick will tell me.

What?

Why would you do that?

I guard the most dangerous
criminals in Chicago.

I think I can look
after my own life.

There are bars

between you and those prisoners.

Nick, don't forget.

Hi, ma.
Hi.

Good luck,
Danny.

Thanks.

Nick, how could you
do this to me?

I'm a lonely man, Danny,

in love with a woman who...

Despises me.

I'm-- I'm desperate.

But don't worry.

I won't let my heartache

interfere with your
chances for romance.

As far as I'm concerned,

that girl will leave this house

this evening at 11:35 p.m.

On the button.

I owe you, Nick.

[Mario Lanza singing
Sorrento in Italian]

Ow! Jeez!

Ow! Aah!

Ow!

A little bit more.

There we go.

Aw, son of a bitch!

Hi.

Hi.

The door was open,

so I thought I'd just come in.

Good. Sure. Yeah.

Is everything ok?

Actually, uh... no.

I just destroyed dinner.

Ma usually does the cooking.

I'm not really that hungry anyway.

Really?

Good.

Very good.

And this, of course, is my room.

Hey, I got to really
decorate it up.

It's starting to look like

an old Elks Lodge.

It's nice.

Oh, what is this?

I guess the maid left it.

Oh.

You were planning this.

No. I--I--I wasn't
planning anything.

You know, I--I
didn't expect you

to just come in
here and, you know,

and jump in--I--no.

No. I--I didn't mean that.

I meant a little bit
I was planning.

Just-- but just a little bit.
I-- you know,

just this far.

It's ok.

I told my father

I was going to spend the night

at my girlfriend's house.

Really?

Yeah.

Hey, that's great.

[Singing in Italian]

What is it?

Oh, uh, it's silly,
you know. Really.

It's-- what it is,

it's just-- it's Catholic guilt,

is what it is.

It's exactly what it is.

Sorry.

Now, you were saying
something about--

mmm.
I understand this.

Morning!
Time to wake up.

Come on.
Rise and shine.

It's breakfast.

You made me breakfast?

Well, sort of. Yeah.

It's a little burnt toast

and lumpy tea.
Oh.

Well, it's, you know,
the tea bag burst,

and I think there's
a lot of seeds

and twigs and things in there.

It's so sweet.

Yeah, well,
I wouldn't eat it.

I don't know.

Oh. What time
did that girl leave?

11:35 p.m. on the button.

Hey, hey.

We have a date, huh?

I'm busy this week.

Talk to me next week.

Rose. Hey, Rose.

A promise is a promise.

Hey, you, uh--

damn women.

[Muttering]

Danny.

Oh, my God.
It's my ma.

Come on. Hurry up.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Let's go! Come on!
Where am I going to go?

You got to hide, hide, hide, hide.
Where?

No, not here!

Over there, over there,
over there.

Where?

Just wait there.
Don't say anything.

Danny?

My clothes.

Clothes.
Yeah, clothes.

What is she doing home now?

Danny, I'm home.

Ah, ma!

What are you doing home so early?

Well, I took the early train

before anybody was awake.

Oh, good.

Aah!

What's that for?

Keeping your promise.

Nick said you had that Dago girl

out of here at 11:35
on the button.

Oh, yeah. I almost--
almost forgot that.

Well, I'll go to my room
and unpack my bags.

Ok. Why don't you do that?

What's this?

It's a... hat.

It's a hat.

Sacrilegious.

Wait! I'll do it.
I'll do that.

Don't do that when I can do that,

when I could have done that.

What on earth is the
matter with you?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Didn't you sleep well?

Yes. No!
No, I didn't.

Well, we better get you
a new mattress.

Oh, good idea.
A very good idea.

Yeah. That's what
we have to do.

Ok. Come on.
Hurry up.

Will you hurry?
Ju-just--

I'm hurrying.

Oh...

I'm 38 years old.

I don't need this.

I'm getting chest pains.

Hurry up, will you?

So that was your mother, huh?

Yeah, that was her.
What do you think?

Dago girl?

Ooh, that. She's got a
very eccentric vocabulary.

Had she known you
were in the room,

she never would've
said it, believe me.

You look very nice, by the way.

Hello.

I'll be down in a minute

and make you some breakfast.

Aw, that'll be nice.

Yeah. A little breakfast.

Bye.
Bye.

Mom, promise me you'll
be on your best behavior.

Oh, I will, I will.

Ok, thank you.

There she is.

Where are her breasts?

What?

She's got no breasts.

Did she have some
sort of an operation?

She's fine.
It's her dress.

It's just a little big
on top, that's all.

Is she anorexic or anything?

No.

Well, if she goes
to the bathroom

more than three
times during dinner,

that's a sign she's bulimic.
What?

She's throwing up what she
just ate in the bathroom.

Oh, please.

Hi!

Hi.

How are you?

Uh, ma, this is Theresa.

Theresa, this is my mother.

Pleased to meet you,
Mrs. Muldoon.

Rose. I'm Rose.
Rose.

Oh, that's a lovely dress
you're wearing.

Isn't it?

Oh, thank you.

Even though it is
a little big on top.

Ma.

Well, it is.
You said so yourself.

No. That's a--
a problem I have.

I'm not really that
endowed on top.

No, no, no, no.

You're built like a
13-year-old boy.

Mom, would you please don't start?

It's a joke.

I'm trying to make jokes here.

I'm trying to lighten
things up a little.

Ok. Thank you.

Would anyone like to
order a cocktail?

Yes. Oh, I'll have
a glass of beer.

And don't try to sneak any
of that sour imported swill

off on me at $6.00 a bottle.

Just a plain glass of Budweiser.

Yes, ma'am. Sir?

I'll have a beer.
Just any beer is fine.

Yes, ma'am?

I'll have a vodka
double on the rocks.

Good.

Ah, a vodka drinker.

Well, ma, Theresa's
probably a little nervous.

You know, being here
with us and all.

You know,
you can understand that.

It's the first signs
of alcoholism.

What?

I read it in Reader's Digest.

Rose, I can assure you

I'm not an alcoholic.

Oh, denial--
that's another symptom.

The article said
that one shot of vodka

was equal to all of the calories

in a ham sandwich.

Good. Maybe I'll
gain some weight

and grow breasts for you.

Ha ha ha ha ha.
That's funny.

Tha-- growing breasts.

Let's order, shall we?

Shall we order?

Theresa.

Ma.

Well, I know
what I'm having.

Yes, sir?

I'll have the shrimp cocktail,
please,

and the Caesar salad,
no anchovies,

and the prime rib...

Uh, medium.

Very good.

Make that medium rare.

Very good, sir.

Thank you.

There you go.

Thank you.

Ma'am?

Um, I'll have the--
the grilled chicken.

Good.
That's all.

Don't you want an appetizer?

No, thank you.

Don't push it.

Uh, ma'am?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing for me.

Ma.

Just bread.

Ma.

Bread's fine, thank you.

Thank you.

Are you trying to
ruin this dinner?

I'm trying to save you $50.

I'll fill up on bread here

and eat something
when I get home.

I don't believe this!

Now, Theresa,

Danny tells me that
you're Sicilian.

Yes.

Part.

Part?

My father is Sicilian.

My mother was Polish.

Ohh!

Polish.

Yes.

Polish?

I meant to tell you.

Polish?

Polish.

I had a Polack friend once.

She was incredibly stupid.

Don't do this, ma.

Julie Kapowski.

She was the stupidest
woman that I ever knew.

She believed
that black cows--

ha ha ha ha!

Black cows squirted
chocolate milk.

I think it's better if you and
Danny have dinner alone.

Theresa, wait.

Why don't you have
my grilled chicken?

Cut it up in small
pieces and devour it.

You seem to be
very good at that.

Oh.

Theresa.

You all right?

I've never been in
an argument before.

I've never said those
things to anybody.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Just take a deep breath.
You'll be fine.

I actually stood up for myself

for the first time in my life...

Not that I had much choice.

What?

You just sat there.

You didn't do
anything to stop her.

Like what?

Well, I don't know.

Scream at her, slap her--

just get her to leave me alone.

Theresa, she's my mother.

So that gives her the
right to rip me apart?

What was I supposed to do?

Fight for me.

Fight for you?

You've got to
understand my mother.

She's old.
She's set in her ways.

It's going to take her a
while to get used to you.

No, it won't.

Why not?

Because I won't be around.

Oh, please don't do this.

No. I want a guy who will
always fight for me,

who will always stand up for me,

who will never let me down.

I thought that guy was you.

I was wrong.

Wait a minute, Theresa.

Taxi!

Come on.

What are you doing?

Don't do this.

Look, don't do this.

Theresa, let's talk
about it, all right?

Just talk to me.

I'm starving.

I'm going to the kitchen
to get something to eat.

I suppose you're
proud of yourself.

Just telling it like it is.

That's been your excuse
for the last 67 years.

My excuse?

Your excuse for hurting people

whenever the hell
you feel like it.

I don't hurt people.
Oh, no?

I guess you didn't hurt Aunt
Dolly on her wedding day

when you said she looked like

a cheap Las Vegas hooker.

Well, did you see
the wedding dress?

The back of it was cut
right down to here.

You could see
the crack of her--

well, it was indecent.

And I guess you didn't
hurt cousin Jerry

when you called his German wife

a Nazi who probably
slept with Hitler.

Well, there's no proof
that she didn't.

I guess you never hurt dad either.

I never hurt your father,

ever.

Florsheim Shoes?

How do you know about that?

You came home late.
You were arguing.

I woke up.
I was scared.

I didn't know what was going on,

so I listened in at the door.

A little spy.

Come on.
I was only 12.

Spy!

Florsheim Shoes
was his big account.

He worked on that
for over 2 1/2 years.

You blew it for him
in one night.

Danny, don't.

All he had to do was
sign a deal at dinner--

one fancy-schmancy dinner

with a V.P. from Florsheim.

I'm going to bed.

No, you're not.

Everything was fine
that evening--

dinner was perfect,

dad had him in
the palm of his hand

until you decided
to tell it like it is.

I was right.

I still stand by what I said.

You called dad's bosses
filthy Jew shylocks.

They never gave him a raise,

not in 12 years.

Not one Christmas bonus!

Ma...

The vice president of Florsheim

and his wife were Jewish.

Well, how was I supposed to know?

They didn't look Jewish.

I wasn't talking about them.

They took it personal.

You lost the account for him!

$450,000 to the company!

He's lucky he didn't lose his job!

Your father never stood
up to his bosses.

It was time somebody
set the record straight.

That night was the only time

I ever heard my father cry,

and still, to this day,

you still tell it like it is.

I don't mean to hurt people.

Really.

Where are you going?

To Halsted.

A friend of mine
owns a jewelry shop.

He owes me a favor.

I'm going to make him
open up his store.

Then I'm going to buy

the biggest engagement
ring I can afford.

Then I'm going to ask
Theresa Luna to be my wife.

Just telling it like it is, ma.

[Motor whirring]

[Tap tap tap]

[Tap tap tap]

What are you doing?

Well, I was just
in the neighborhood,

and I thought I'd drop by.

Sometimes it's good
to be a cop.

What do you want?

I just want to say that
I'll always stand by you

and I'll never let you down again.

I swear.

And, uh...

Oh!

I got the light blue stones.

I... Well, I thought
you'd like that.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Great.

Yeah! Way to go!
Yo, Danny!

Yay!
Whoo!

All right!

Whoo!

Hey, Mr. Happy,
how about a towel?

Getting married.

Mail-order bride?

Ha ha ha ha!

Heh heh heh heh.

That Bobby's a real
asshole, you know that?

Hey, Danny.
Well, my best friend

is making the biggest
mistake of his life,

so I thought that
deserved a toast.

I don't know why
you're doing it, Danny.

I told you, it's
because I love her.

And your mother?

She hates Italians,
you know that.

She got used to you.

Took her 15 years.

And she'll get used to Theresa.

Yeah, but she's going
to miss you, Danny.

I'm just getting
married, that's all.

She's taking this fine.

As a matter of fact, she's
handling it very well.

Oh, she is, is she?

Yes, she is, really.

Hello, Mrs. Muldoon.

Oh, yeah, right.
Hello, Sal.

Jesus, ma!
What are you doing here?

Oh, stop fussing.

I've probably diapered
half of them.

Come on.
Why?

We have an appointment.

With who?
The Polack priest.

The Polack priest?

Ohh...

Why?

We've got to settle our problems.

Well, can't this wait till later?

The protestants and the Jews
go to the psychiatrist.

We go to the priest.

You feel threatened by Theresa.

Threatened?
Yes.

See, she's taking up
a lot of Danny's time,

so you're feeling threatened

that she's trying
to steal your son.

What?
Rose...

I know you realize
it's the nineties.

I'm just not sure you
realize it's the 1990s.

I've never been threatened
by anyone, ever,

and I've been through
D-Day, Korea, Vietnam--

just relax.

You see that?

That's what I don't
want to become.

I don't want to be like
one of those old ladies

who spends the rest of their
lives standing in line.

What do you mean,
standing in line?

Well, they stand in line

for the confessional
every single day,

even though they have
no sins to confess,

just so they can blather with
the priest about Vatican II.

And they stand in line
outside the movie theater,

even though they've
seen the movie 10 times,

just so they can complain to
whoever's standing near them

about the price of the ticket.

And they stand in line
at the grocery store

just so they can
complain to the cashier

about the price of
frozen string beans,

whether they should be
29 cents or 39 cents.

And do you know why

they spend so much
time standing in line?

No.

Because there's nobody else

in the whole world
they can talk to.

How does that look?

Looks good.

Yeah?
Looks real good.

Feels all right, too, you know?

What do you think?
You like the style of this?

Yeah. It's fine.

Hmm? Just fine? I thought
it looked pretty good.

What's with you?

Come on. You've been
moping around all day.

This is supposed to be fun.

Hey, could you guys give us a minute?
Thanks.

Look, Danny...

Yeah?

I been thinking.

Yeah?

Maybe, uh...

Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

What's not a good idea?

Hey, you know, this...
wedding thing.

Maybe you're rushing into it.

Well, you just met her
a little while ago.

Maybe you should take a break.

Go to Florida with mom.

Maybe you'll meet some
knockout in a bikini.

Something wrong with Theresa?

I didn't say that.

Did you hear me say that?

There is nothing wrong
with Theresa.

She's just--

just what?

Well, she's a little plain.

Oh.

A little plain, huh?

Yeah.

And what's this, the cover of GQ?

Oh, this is hot, huh?
Great look.

I'll buy next month's issue.

I just think that
you can do better.

I don't think so.

This is the girl.
You got that?

She's the one.

Dan, take it easy.

I'm just being truthful.

I mean, we're brothers, right?

We're supposed to be
truthful with each other.

Don't give me this
two-way lawyer crap.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

You couldn't give two shits
about me or Theresa.

All you care about is yourself.

Hey, that is bullshit!

Is it? You want me
to change my mind.

You want me to go Florida
and live with ma.

Then you wouldn't have
to feel so guilty.

Hey, Danny, come on.
That--

forget it.

This is my chance.
You understand?

You took your chance.

You got someone to wake
up with in the morning.

You got a houseful of kids.

You got a train around
the Christmas tree

and little ones running around

in Halloween outfits.

Now you want me to feel guilty

for wanting the same things?

Fuck you!

Listen to you.

You go off, and you
get laid one time,

and you think you're in love.

Come on.

Oh, shit.

It's all right.
It's ok.

Don't worry about it.
It's all right.

I'm a cop.
It's ok.

All right?

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to hit you.

The hell I didn't.

I meant to hit you.

It's ok. I, uh...

I deserved it.
I wa-- I wa-- was out of line.

Look, Danny...

All I'm trying to say...

Is make sure that you're
in love with this girl.

Make sure it's real.

Wait a minute.
I can't take you dancing.

I got to consider it.

♪ When I go to a dance ♪

♪ I guess that I
should be thrilled ♪

♪ As soon as I
walk in like that-- ♪

What's the matter
with you today?

You seem a little edgy.

I'm fine.

What is it?

I'm fine.

Really.

Come on, Danny.

I've got a lot on my mind.
Ok?

You can tell me.

It's just that...

Yeah?

Ever since my dad died,
I've been in charge.

Ma and Patrick--
they've depended on me

to be responsible,

to take care of things,
and I have.

I've always been there for
them when they needed me.

Everything I've ever done,

every decision I've
ever made was for them.

I mean, I became a cop

because ma wanted Patrick
to go to law school.

She didn't have
the extra money,

so... I came through.

And, I...

And I'd do it again.
I'm not complaining.

It's just that...

Well, now...

You and me...

It's the only time...

The only time in my life

I've made a decision without
thinking of them first.

And...

I guess I'm a little scared.

I'm afraid they're going to
think that I've abandoned them.

I know that sounds stupid.
I just...

I just don't want
to lose my family.

[Irish reel plays]

There you go.

Whoa, got beer behind you here.

Excuse me.
Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, Joey, how's the
stiff business?

Drink all that beer yourself, huh?

Oh, thank you, father.

Good to see you, Driscoll.

This is my wife.

Glad to know you.

Isn't it a nice party?

Oh, yeah.

[Ting ting ting ting]

All right.

This is a very sad day
for meself and spats.

We lose a valuable member
of our exclusive club--

bachelorhood.

Excuse me.

I--I would like
to make a speech,

but I would like to
make a speech in Greek.

And who would
understand it but me?

But anyway, uh...

Danny, Theresa, to speak Greek,

you only need three words--

se agapo para polu.

It means...

I love you.

Uh, everybody, uh,
I'd like to propose a toast.

To my beautiful daughter

and her future husband.

Tomorrow you'll be married.

One little word of advice, ok?

Let nothing come between you.

Salute.

Salute.
Salute.

So my son is getting married,

and it seems that all of you
approve of his choice,

but you haven't heard
my side of the story.

I refuse.

And I repeat,
I absolutely refuse

to accept Theresa Luna
as my daughter-in-law.

I will only accept her...

as my daughter.

[Applause]

Really?

Good night, ma.

Good night.

Had a great time.

It was a wonderful evening.

Good night.

Good night now.
Drive carefully.

Good night, Danny.

Good night.

Ma, I'm going to take Theresa home.
Oh, fine.

Rose, I'll drive you over
to the Irish village.

We'll talk a little treason.

Thanks, but I am a little tired.

Come on. It's not
even midnight, Rose.

I'll drive.
Excuse me.

Ma, do not get in the car
with that man tonight.

He's been drinking.

Don't worry.
I'll go straight home.

Ok. You promise?

I promise.

Good night, ma.
Good night, Danny.

Rose, my car's right over here.

I promised Danny
I'd go straight home.

It's all right.

Come on, Rose.
It's a big night.

We should be celebrating.

No. I'm tired.
I'd rather go home.

Just--just one little drink.

No. I don't want
anything to drink.

Aw, come on, Rose.

We're driving to Niagara Falls?

Yeah. You know,

I thought that would
be a neat trip,

and it's kind of romantic.

We can't go to Niagara Falls.
It's too cold.

Oh, no. It'll be fine.
It's freezing.

But then we're going to
go down to New York City

and see some shows,
I thought, you know.

Some Broadway shows?

You can pick up some pointers.

Wait. Look.

That's our wedding cake.

Oh, wow.
Look at that.

This is ours?

Yeah.
It's so pretty.

This guy's good.

Yeah. He's great.

It's so pretty.

I'm so excited about tomorrow.

I'm so happy.

Rose, how about a little drink?

Just one little drink.

No, thanks. I don't
want anything to drink.

Ok.

Are you sure you're
going to be able to drive?

Positive.

My God! You're driving
all over the street!

Look, I'm fine.
Shut up.

Watch out where you're going!

Oh, my God! You're driving
down a one-way street.

Wake up! Wake up!

[Honk]
[Honk]

Aah!

[Tires screech]

Oh! Get your foot off the gas!

Wake up! Wake up!

Aah!

Oh, Daniel, I hope you have
a wonderful wedding!

Aah!

Danny.

Danny, are you ok?

Excuse me. I'll be
back in a moment.

Ma? Uh, you're home.

Good. I was just
checking in on you,

that's all.
I'll, uh...

I'll see you later.

Ok. Uh, good night.

What's wrong?

You called her on the
night before our wedding?

Yeah. I just wanted to
make sure she got home ok.

I don't believe this.

What?

Are we ever going to be alone?

What's that supposed to mean?

Why don't you call her again?
It's been five minutes.

Maybe she burned down the house.

Maybe she fell down the stairs.

That's not funny.

No, it's not funny.

It's sad.

It's sad that she's

always in the back of your mind,

making you feel guilty.

It's like she has some
kind of hold on you.

I honestly believed

that if we loved
each other enough...

Maybe you could let her go.

And what am I supposed to do--

just forget about her,

slough her off, pretend
she doesn't exist?

No. Just stop letting
her run your life.

Be your own person,
your own man...

And put us first.

You can't.

Can you?

I don't know.

[Clock chiming]

It's midnight.

You better be going.

It's bad luck to see the
bride after midnight.

[Playing Pachelbel's Canon]

Here you go, mom.

You seen Danny yet, or what?

He should be here by now.

Yeah.
You would think so.

Danny.

Hi.

Susan, is Theresa here yet?

No.

She didn't call or anything?

No. Not yet.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

Keep going.

♪ I've got dreams ♪

♪ Dreams to remember ♪

♪ I've got dreams ♪

♪ Dreams to remember ♪

♪ Nobody knows what
I feel inside ♪

♪ All I know that
I walked away and cried ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got dreams ♪

♪ Dreams to remember ♪

♪ I've got dreams ♪

♪ Oh, dreams to remember ♪

Thanks, Mary.

Hi, Frank.

Morning, Danny.

Hi, Clark.

Morning, Danny.

♪ I've got dreams ♪

♪ Dreams, dreams to remember ♪

♪ Oh, I've got dreams ♪

Me being your best friend and all,

I'd like to know what
the hell happened.

Just forget it.

It was your ma, wasn't it?

She made you call it off,
didn't she?

No.

It wasn't a sexual
problem, was it?

I mean, you can function
as a man and all, right?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

It was her.

What, did she want to
do it like a corpse?

You know I hear they're weird,

these people that work
with the dead.

Hey, what is with you?
What?

Does everything in your
life have to relate to sex?

Everything in life does
relate to sex, Danny.

I mean, think about it.

Do you realize that
45% of these people

in these buildings right now

are having sex of some sort?

That's a statistic, Danny.

Am I right?

It's a fact.

It's a fact.

What is with you?
You're twisted.

What?

What are you thinking?
What's in your mind,

you and your buddy
Dr. Ruth back there?

I mean, come on.

Oh, I can hardly wait
to get to Florida.

Maybe I'll find a partner

who's got more than
a grapenut for a brain.

The usual?

What do you suppose?

Ahh.

Where's Doyle?

Heart attack.

What?

They found him this morning.

Passed away in his
sleep last night.

Where's his family?

What family?

His mom died 15 years ago.

He's got a sister
in a nursing home.

Never married, no kids.

I guess we're it.

Rose.

Rose...

Before you go, I...

We could have been
great together.

I--I'll go back in and see
if I forgot anything.

Oh.

Oh, come on.

Wait here, ok?

I'm going to go help mom.

Ah, Casey, do me a favor.

Give me the keys to
your cruiser, will you?

Yeah, no problem, Dan.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

You know, Danny...

I'm actually going
to miss this house.

Yeah.

Well, there's no point in getting
all teary-eyed about it.

Get your bags.
Come on, let's go.

What's keeping you?

We'll miss the plane.

I'm not going with you, ma.

What?

It hit me yesterday
at the funeral.

If I go with you to Florida,

I'd be leaving behind the best
thing that ever happened to me.

If it's not too late,

I'm going to try to get her back.

So you're sending me
off to Florida alone.

No.

Ma, Aunt Jean and Uncle Walter,

they're going to meet
you at the airport.

Uncle Walter.

He's always trying to
look under me skirt

when I cross my legs.

Ma, come on, please.

Very well.

Fine.

Who needs you anyway?

Ma.

Ma.

I'm an old woman.

I can't be expected to wait on you

hand and foot for the
rest of my life.

I'm sick and tired of
doing your laundry,

ironing your shirts,
cooking your meals.

I've lost gallons of sweat
and buckets of blood,

all for you.

You've been nothing
but a ball and chain

of heartache and hurt
hanging around my neck

for too many godforsaken years.

It'll be good riddance to you.

I'm sorry, Danny.

That's ok, ma.

You were just telling
it like it is.

No, Danny.

I was lying.

Telling it like it is

would hurt too much right now.

Go. Marry that girl.

Have lots of Irish-Dago mutts,

and, every once in a while,

bring them to Florida
to see their grandmother.

I love you, ma.

I'm not so lovable.

True enough.

I'm kidding.

Danny.

Yeah?

She's gone.

New York.

3:15 train.

Oh, damn.

[Siren]

Lois, this is Danny Muldoon.

Yeah, Danny.

Get me Freddie Nunzio
at Union Station

and hurry.

10-4.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!

What the hell are you doing here?

Danny gave me his ticket.

The thought of you traveling
to Florida all alone...

Nearly broke my heart.

That's why I'm here.

A kiss before takeoff?

Forget it.

I'm going to sleep.

Well, at last, we get
to sleep together.

Folks, we have to make
an unscheduled stop here.

There's going to be
a bit of a delay.

For security reasons,

everyone will have
to deboard the train.

We're sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank you.

Theresa!

Hi.

You did all this, didn't you?

Sometimes it's good to be a cop.

So what do you want?

All aboard!

I--I--I...

I just want--

I--I...

Don't you hate all the
uncomfortable stuff

that goes with trying
to ask somebody

to get back together with you?

I'll make it easy for you.

I'll give you a list of excuses.

All you have to do is
answer yes or no, ok?

Good.

Here goes.

Reasons why you and I
can't get back together--

you're seeing somebody else.

No.

You're moving into a convent.

No.

You're having your legs waxed?

No.

You've fallen out of love with me.

No.

No?

No.

That's great.

May-maybe, uh...

You and me, we should--

you forgot one thing.

What?

Your mother.

She's gone.

To Florida?

She's on a plane.

So how do I know

you won't hop a flight
to be with her

tomorrow or next week
or next month?

Because I'm the one
who let her go...

And I'm ready to put us first.

Final boarding call
for all passengers

traveling to New York City!

Come on.

Where?

Well, we're boarding.

You're going to New York?

I know this police
sergeant in the Bronx.

He transferred from Chicago.

Maybe he can pull a few
strings, you know?

Give me a line on a job.

You'd do that?

You'd leave everything
behind just to be with me?

Yeah.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[Airplane engines roar]

To our homeland,
or we will all die!

Nobody move!

Rose!

[Cheering]

Danny, relax.

I can take care of myself.

Is everything ok?

Couldn't be better.

Come on.

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