All language subtitles for Orange.Is.The.New.Black.S02E13.WEBRip.x264-2HD

The big guns.

Think they're so boss
'cause they wear suits.

Stupid SIS. Why are they even here?

Well, a stabbing and a
slocking back-to-back...

It's turned into fucking
Rikers around here.

You know they're gonna grill
the COs as hard as the inmates.

Those dicks are all dying to nail us.

Gentlemen, good morning.

Welcome to Litchfield. Enjoy your stay.

Kiss ass.

Gentlemen, nice to see
you. Captain Joe Caputo.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Uh, I thought we could meet in my office

and go over the details of the incident
before you begin your investigation.

Well, we report to Miss Figueroa.

Right, well, I believe I
can provide more information.

Miss Figueroa wasn't
on campus that evening.

We have instructions to
meet with her exclusively.

We'll interview you
along with the other COs

when the time comes.

Sure, sure. I'll show you to her office.

Some coffee would be great, too.

Light. Two sugars.

♪ Swing low ♪

Guess it could be worse.

Back in the day, they would have us
out on some back road breaking rocks.

Yeah, on the other hand...

Paulie in Goodfellas had the joint wired,
cookin' big-ass dinners every night.

Italians have weird
shit with their mothers.

They, like, live with
them for way too long.

We all got weird shit with our mamas.

Hey... what you gonna say
when they ask you about Red?

That I didn't see shit,
'cause I didn't see shit.

But, come on, you know who did it.

Mmm...

Oh, my gosh! Who? Who?

Damn, you can't be doin' that shit. I
got a family history of heart attacks.

Sorry, I mean, I'm sorry. All right?

I just came to check
on the family business.

You know, we gotta keep
these accounts full, right?

And then you began to chat.

Italians do love their mamas.

So...

Is there something you want to ask me?

- Mmm-mmm.
- Nope.

Shit, I'm gonna answer anyway. Yes.

Vee, you know we ain't gonna say shit.

Yes, you are, sweetheart.

You are going to say...

"You know that Warren girl is unstable?

"She has a history of violence,
a melodramatic notion of loyalty.

"But please go easy on
her because, you know what,

"even a double cray need
a little bit of help."

They will probably come to this
conclusion on their own, eventually,

but it doesn't hurt to
give 'em a little push.

I know she Fruity Pebbles,
but, man, that's cold.

Is it? Really?

Is it cold for Amazon to underprice
books just to capture market-share?

No, it seems to me that as
shareholders in this company,

you are immune to the cold.

Just like polar bears.

Not sure cheap books is the
same as pinning shit on Crazy.

Ain't you worried Red's gonna wake
up and tell them what happened?

Nope, that is not how OGs
like Red handle their business.

You've got your script.

Follow it.

'Cause there are always
more socks, baby girl.

Always more locks.

Enemies?

Well, Red and Vee, they had history.

The Vee that you
referenced is Yvonne Parker?

Yeah, yeah, that's her.

Bad seed.

You can feel it when you're
around her, her bad seediness.

She is the one that made things hardcore.

I mean, it's not like
prison was summer camp,

but we all sort of got along.

At least nobody was
trying to kill each other.

Now, it's like Serbo-Croatia up in here.

You have a close relationship
with Reznikov, correct?

Don't call her that. Her
name's Red, all right?

Nicknames don't suit our official purpose.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, well,

treating her like she's not
a person doesn't suit me.

Hey, look, just do your job and
find the asshole who did it, okay?

All right, you'd know this by now
if you were any good at your job.

It was Vee.

Parker, for your official purposes.

I think it's the black one. I
don't know. The one with the hair.

Her real name can't be Crazy Eyes.

I don't know. She's the crazy one.

She already be, like,
throwing pie all the time...

but this is, like,
next-level crazy, you know?

Rude.

That Vee, she's a very rude person.

I don't like rude.

- It was Crazy Eyes.
- Yes.

But do you happen to know her real name?

Suzanne Warren.

You're sure?

Positive.

I was attacked from behind.

I saw nothing.

No one.

I'm an old woman trying
to grow something green.

I don't know who would do this to me.

Chapman.

Mr. Caputo.

I like what you've done with the place.

Sadly, you know, it's starting
to feel like home in here.

You know I had no choice but to punish you.

You broke into administrative offices.

You said someone asked you to steal these.

Who?

I thought you weren't
interested in what I had to say.

There's a year's worth of invoices in here.

Someone building a case?

'Cause I got a pretty good idea
where you're going with this...

but I'd like some details.

You...

you were kind to me when I got here.

You let me make that
phone call to my fiancé.

- What's your point?
- My point is that you're a good person.

And Miss Figueroa...

she isn't.

Is she embezzling?

You seem like someone
who cares about his job.

And frankly, you know,

I think this would be a better
place if you were in charge.

Get to the fucking point.

You're in seg, kid.

I'd be more than happy
to leave you in here.

Now tell me exactly what you were planning.

I was gonna take her out.

"Take her out."

How?

Those files...

are a small piece of a much
bigger case against her.

I wanna know who your
contact is on the outside.

You don't even need him.

I can explain to you everything
that is in that folder.

I will give you all of the
ammunition you need, I promise.

I will tell you everything.

If?

If you stop my transfer.

I got you now, you dirty bitch.

Jesus.

What's going on in here?

You wearing sweatpants?

They're slacks.

All right. All right, you
gotta... you gotta breathe.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, take... take a deep breath.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on now.

Jason...

Joe. I'm... I'm Joe.

No, my husband is Jason.

Huh. What happened to him? He get arrested?

No!

He's having an affair with a...

man named... Gavin.

Gavin?

Jeez. Yikes.

He's in love.

Wow.

That's, uh...

Wow.

How did I not know? What's wrong with me?

You had no idea?

A lot of men shave their balls.
It doesn't mean they're gay.

You know it's not you, right?

Hey, you gotta know that, huh?

People are born a certain way, you know...

He used to love me.

I'm sure he did.

Oh, Christ, look at me.

I used to be so... hot.

Now I'm... hard and... wrinkled.

You're still hot, Fig.

- I mean, you're a horrible person...
- but you're sexy as hell.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Hell, after all that money
you embezzled for him...

Wait, what? What are you talking about?

Embezzlement. Fraud.

I've got your files.

You've been a bad girl.

And if I was your daddy,
I'd spank you real good...

but I'm not.

I'm just the schmuck who's
been cleaning up your crap

for too long and I'm done.

You're a goddamn criminal, Mrs. Fagueroa.

Get out.

Fine.

No, wait, stop. You can't.

I can't? Suck my dick, Natalie.

Okay.

Wait, what?

Holy shit.

Holy shit!

Yeah, they used to call
me beer can in high school.

Ah... Ah, teeth, teeth.

Sorry.

So we're good?

I do like you down on your knees.

Christ, you should... never speak. Uh...

The files. You'll shut up?

Oh, I... I already gave 'em to the warden.

He's got copies of everything.

Bye, Nat.

Fuck!

Why didn't you say anything to SIS?

Why would you protect that woman?

That woman can weasel
her way out of anything.

I'm handling this my way.

She cracked your eye socket.

Hmm, it will heal.

And this gives me time to plan in peace.

Oh-ho.

Ooh.

Kind of hard to plan when
you can't even sit up.

Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo...

I used to take the boys to Coney Island.

They loved the spinning rides.

They called them the "Mamochka drunk rides"

because I'd always get
off nauseous and stumbling.

Little shits thought it was hilarious.

This is the same feeling...

but without three little boys
pointing and laughing at me.

You should let the
administration handle this.

Oh.

I should trust the administration...

while they're force-feeding
you through tubes.

Huh?

Salient point.

Look, please tell me that Fig
keeps a vibrator in her desk.

'Cause I have this
crystal-clear image in my head

of her there, feet up, high
heels knocking over the pen cup

while she just goes to town on
her clit with a pocket rocket.

Her drawers are full
of snacks and wrappers.

Oh, come on. Man, don't tell me that.

I don't wanna think of her
as a bulimic with barf breath.

It's just so...

Good news though. Caputo
canceled my transfer.

Ah! Whoopie. You get
to stay here... in hell.

Hey, maybe you'll get slocked to
death by a psychotic heroin dealer.

How's Red?

Alive. It's all I know.

And that's a fucking miracle, you know.

Not a ton of news coming out
of the medical unit, so...

I'm sorry, Nicky.

No, I mean, those ass clowns
launched their bullshit investigation

even though everyone knows
exactly who did it, but...

You know, maybe you should
ask for your transfer back.

Just get the fuck out of here.

It's better than the alternative.

I can't lose any more people, Nicky.

Alex is coming to visit me.

Jesus, Chapman.

You need to figure out
what the fuck you want.

I know.

You know, 'cause if it really
is to stay here in this shithole

so you can get occasional visits
from your demented girlfriend,

I mean, then, man, it sounds
like you're living the dream.

But if you want my advice,

then get out of your own goddamn
drama for a minute, you know?

And, maybe, spend some
of that energy praying

that your roommate makes it out of
medical with all her brain cells intact.

I'm sorry, Nicky. I didn't
mean to make this about me.

No, don't worry. I get it.
It's not the same for you.

I care about Red, too.

Uh-huh.

Okay, but she's not your mom.
It's different when you're family.

Mama, please. This shit is salty
enough without your tears in it.

You wanna take a break? Ven.

What's looking good today,
Bennett? I'm a hungry man.

There's some baked chicken
but it looks a little gray.

I tend to stick with the PB and J.

What's going on over there?

Oh, well, you know, Ruiz is on
the transfer list that Fig put out.

It's really sad. She's got the
baby and everything. It's...

I'm canceling all the transfers.

Really? How?

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, you seem like it.

Okay, listen.

Some stuff has gone down,

and it looks like my star might
be rising while Fig's explodes.

You know what I'm saying?

Not really.

She's out.

I'm in.

Well, in-ish.

I gotta show the warden I'm
his guy. He's testing me out.

Wow.

Yeah, this has gotta go well, Bennett.

The next few days are crucial.

We gotta make sure.

I wanna do things right.

Bring guys like you up along with me.

The good guys.

The guys who keep their eyes
open and their noses clean.

Sounds... that sounds great, sir.

So, listen... why don't you
go give Ruiz the good news?

Tell her she's not going anywhere.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Be the hero. Go ahead.

Thank you. Um, thanks a lot.

Go ahead, go ahead. Go ahead, kid.

What's going on?

I'm canceling Ruiz's transfer.

She's staying put.

So nice of you.

I do what I can.

Oh, my God!

Hey, should you be
carrying such a heavy tray?

That's fine, thanks.

It's better!

- Listen, T...
- Stop.

Can we please not have a whole talk

about our feelings and what
happened and, like, status

because I never learned that and...

and it really makes me, like,
wanna jump out of my skin so...

can we just sit here and be cool now?

Well, maybe just a little talk?

I mean... Look, what if Amanda
talked about it... right?

Like, her fucked-up
relationship with Mumsy

and how hard that made
things with Mackenzie

when they took that
cruise to Spain and shit.

Could you do it like that?

I'll work on it, okay?

I swear.

I have an appointment to meet
with my guru to get a mantra soon

so I'll start right after that.

But before I get my lips
injected with ass fat

so that we can really talk.

"Ass fat."

Here... because you look like a monkey.

Oh, damn, here I am
with no peanuts for you.

- I'll just take your Jell-O for gelatin!
- No!

Like hell you will! Shit.

You know red my favorite flavor!

Yeah.

You're an animal.

And your little electroslock therapy?

You're not fooling anyone.

Please tell my old friend, Red,
that I... I hope she feels better.

Some flipping friend you are.

What's the matter with you people?

"You people"? You mean black people?

I mean, blind people. All right?

Blindly following a fucking psychopath!

All right, little ones.

Now, if you're done with your
accusations and your name-calling,

we'd all like to finish our meal in peace.

May you never have a minute of peace.

I trust with you two around, I won't.

Oh, yeah.

We'll be around.

A-ha.

Shut the fuck up.

Aw, you bitches friends again? Oh, now...

ain't that some Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants shit?

I mean, ya'll know she done it.

You don't think she won't
go after your ass one day?

You make her mad... look
at her wrong... whatever?

Look, business is good, and
I ain't rocking the boat.

Can't we all just get along?

No... not when she's around.

Don't feel bad if you don't see it yet.

Took me damn near 15 years.

I just hope you all wise
up before it's too late.

It's up to you.

You could go full-on
Britney Spears meltdown.

Oh, no. Cancer chic is anything but.

Now, I'm thinking a nice Emma
Watson pixie'll be cute, though.

Mmm.

I appreciate your guys' choices,
but I'm thinking, like, right here.

Oh, you mean like Victoria Beckham?

Sorry, shortcake, above the
ears or it doesn't count.

Hey, you wanna run with the big boys,
you gotta prove you're one of us, hmm?

I thought this was about the girls.

It's confusing, I know.

Hey.

I'm canceling Safe Place.

I thought you should know.

Why?

Wait!

Mr. Healy, wait!

Aw, is your boyfriend hurt?

Don't do that.

Come in!

Hey, boss.

Hello, O'Neill. How are
you on this fine day?

Oh, I'm good, thanks.

I bought a banjolele on Craigslist.

I don't know what that is.

It's like a four-stringed
banjo, but little.

It's... you know, it's a
ukulele version of a banjo.

Ah!

Asked and answered.

So, aside from the news of
your adorable online purchase,

is there another reason for your visit?

Oh, yeah, um...

What do you wanna do about the nuns?

- Nuns?
- Yeah, there's a gaggle of 'em.

- Gaggle?
- Uh, like a...

like a murder of crows,
there's a gaggle of nuns.

We're here to support Jane
Ingalls' hunger strike.

Oh, Jesus.

Watch your mouth.

I can't have this today.

Not now. I... Your timing
could not have been worse.

So sorry to inconvenience you.

Look, Sister... I'm the good guy.
I... I want things to be good.

Could you come back in three to five days?

No, I could not.

I had to ask.

Babysit the nuns.

Sir, I don't think that's a good
idea. I got a history with nuns.

Suck it up.

I need things calm and contained. No drama.

And if the press comes, you call me.

But it wasn't me.

That's very good.

That is exactly what you say when
you go in there to talk to SIS.

It's perfect, Suzanne.

No, Vee... it really
wasn't me. I didn't do it!

Child, when you commit, you
really do commit, don't you?

I admire that.

Between us... I just wanna
say thank you, little girl.

What you did was rough...
but it had to be done.

Vee...

We shouldn't talk about us anymore.

I got you something
special from the commissary.

We can play later.

You and me.

All right, it's like this.

Stop... don't talk to me.

Loser, lame-boy, wannabe. Oh!

Like, totally, all you
wanna be is me. Stay fresh.

Okay, now you try.

Okay, so it's like...

Stop, don't talk to me.
Loser, lame-ass, wannabe.

Boy. It's "lame-boy."

Yeah, but we're talkin' Pennsatucky.

So shouldn't it be, like,
"lame-ass" or "lame-girl"?

Y'all are sad fucking assholes.

You know, this is really bullying.

While you have every right to your
negative feelings towards Pennsatucky,

you're being cruel... and I think
you're both better than that.

Embrace the light.

You know, I can take care of
myself, Ching Chong China doll!

She's Japanese-Scottish,
you ignorant dumb-ass.

Ignorant dumb-ass dyke.

Whoa.

Excuse me?

Like we haven't seen you hanging
out with fatty-fatty man-girl.

Oh, yeah? So what?

What is with all this name calling?

We're expressing our feelings...
in lieu of physical violence.

Something Mr. Healy taught me.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yep.

Then where were you before?

No one came to his Safe
Place thing, you know.

He was all sad and mad.

And I got his weird
Russian cookies. Up top!

Everyone in this place is sad and mad.

I mean, I get it. We're
in prison. It sucks.

But we should be leaning on each other...
finding support in our fellow criminals...

so we're not isolated.

I need a friend.

Don't look at me.

I got a friend.

Hey.

Nobody showed up at Safe Place?

Nope, not a one.

And no more Safe Place.
It's probably all your fault.

Okay, this is totally weird.

I'm in the wrong outfit.

I like your sweater.

It's soft.

Like your resolve when
you're offered a plea deal.

It came down at the
very last minute, Piper.

And they promised me it
would put him away for good.

But it made me a perjurer
and you a free woman.

I thought you were gonna tell the truth!

And I thought you were gonna lie!

Jesus, we are like a
fucking O. Henry story.

It's good to see your face.

I don't know what to say.

You have every right to be angry.

I don't know if I'm angry.

I'm confused... by you.

I'm confused by me, too.

I'm pretty much the master of
handling things completely wrong.

Yeah, well, that's an understatement.

I'm a fuck-up.

And now I get to be a fuck-up in
a shithole apartment in Queens.

Too afraid to even open my curtains.

I'm really fucking lonely, Piper.

Well, I'm sure you'll find
somebody to keep your bed warm.

I sleep with a gun.

You what? Alex, what the
hell? You're on probation.

There is a car parked outside
of my apartment every day.

He's trying to scare me.

I wanna go out there with a baseball
bat and smash the fucking windshield in.

Honestly, I should just
start dealing again.

Find a bigger, tougher new kingpin
who can beat up my old kingpin.

- That's not funny.
- It's not a joke.

What am I qualified to do?

I have... I have no job. I'm
afraid to leave my apartment.

I got so used to sleeping
with the lights on

that I'm totally freaked out by the dark.

My probation officer is a joke.
His name is David Crockett.

Davy fucking Crockett
is my probation officer.

The King of the Wild Frontier?

King of sitting on his fat fucking
ass, stuffing his face with Swiss rolls,

hoping to bust me for
some stupid infraction.

You'd think that part of his job would
be protecting his probies, you know?

Nobody gives a shit about ex-cons.

What are you gonna do?

- I'm skipping town.
- You can't.

I don't have a choice. These
people know where I live.

That's why I wanted to see you.

When I go, Piper, I can't come back.

I have to just disappear.

You can't leave me.

Piper, I'm in danger.

But I don't have anyone left.

I'm sorry, Piper.

I'm sorry for all of it.

I know that my track record is shit...

but I really do love you.

Yeah, well, I hate you.

No, you don't.

No.

No, I don't.

Hey, junkie.

Hey, you traitorous piece of shit.

It's time to start scrubbing
that dirty little soul of yours.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I'm slowly killing myself with corn syrup.

Boo, you sold her out.

You're part of why she's
lying in that hospital bed.

All right, look.

You need to make it right.

What do you want me to do about it?

Smother Parker in her sleep
with my left ass cheek?

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Aw, come on.

You, of all people, know there's
a million ways to hurt someone.

So tell your old pal, Nicky,
where she stashes her shit.

Find that last shred of loyalty.

Where are you?

- Where are you?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What... What's going on, yo?

I can't find it! I know it was here.
Now it's not here. I know it was here!

Twenty-two left, 14 right,
9 left. I know it was here!

- Your lock?
- Shh!

Lady Locksley.

Oh, shit. I think she
might've done something bad.

What are you talking about?

I think I did it.

I think I attacked that Russian
lady, and hit and hit and hit her!

Yo, you think?

Suzanne, if you done it,
don't you think you would know?

No, I don't always know what I'm doing.

You know, sometimes I block
stuff out, some bad stuff like...

like that time I did
the thing to my neighbor.

It don't sound like you blocked that out.

Well... no.

That one's still pretty
vivid. But Vee says I did it.

Yo, Suzanne... Vee is a liar.

No. No, no, no.

No, no, no.

She is a truth teller. She told me that.

She says... we're straight up.

Built on a foundation
of honesty and loyalty.

Yo, built on a foundation
of bullshit, more like.

You think that woman loyal to you?

She is playing you, and
this game is for serious.

You take the blame on
this, you going to max.

You getting rapped with attempted murder.

Yo, why would you take the blame
when you ain't done nothing?

That woman is evil and she's trying
to frame you and do you harm...

No, don't you dare speak ill of her!

You know, she told me you'd say bad things.

Yeah, she warned me, and now
here you are doing just that.

- Suzanne.
- So...

I think you'd better go.

You poor, crazy fool.

No.

I am not crazy.

I am unique.

There used to be this show on TV

about girls who, like, had
no idea they were pregnant.

And I always thought,
"Yeah, I could see that.

"You're kind of chunky. You
don't feel so hot, anyway."

But now I'm calling bullshit on it.

I mean, I'm... I'm not all
that popping out or anything.

Aleida says the women in
our family carry in our ass,

but... I feel her.

I really feel her in there.

Daya, I, uh...

I can't tell anyone.

Oh.

No, look. Listen to me.

Something happened with Fig.

Embezzling or something.

Caputo's getting promoted.

He says that I'm looking
at a promotion, too.

It'll be crazy to come clean right
now. This means more money for us.

This means you can't be the dad.

Come on, baby. Look,
hey, we'll figure it out.

Don't say anything about the Fig
thing, okay? It's still on the down-low.

Well, you were looking for an excuse.

I guess this raise/promotion
thing is as good as any.

I'm not looking for an excuse.

I love you, John...

but you're a pussy.

I gotta get back to work.

Daya...

Daya, I'm a man on the rise.

I'm not a...

Seriously, don't say anything
about the Fig thing, okay?

It was told to me in confidence.

Please?

So Fig's out?

I knew that skinny puta
was pulling some shit.

She never smile with her teeth.

Can't trust a bitch don't
smile with her teeth.

She has some nice shoes though, man.

Yo, you seen the footwear on that one?

If she was stealing, you know
exactly where that money was going.

If I was stealing big,

I would buy me something that
won't wear out from walking around.

Like a diamond for my
belly button. No, for real.

- That's nice.
- Yeah, right?

That's enough. It looks good.

Well... would you look at
Norma Appleseed over here.

What are you planting, an orchard?

No, I know what you're up to. What
were you gonna use to grind them?

Wow.

Look at you... quiet fire.

Well, you know how many
seeds you're gonna need

to make a lethal dose of arsenic?

More than all the apples ever given
to any teacher you've ever known.

And then you're gonna need a
blender, you're gonna need lye,

and you're gonna need
an airtight container.

And then you gotta get it
down Vee's fucking throat.

Ay, Mama, you didn't
think this one through.

Yeah... I know a few things.

I know she hurt your girl.

And I know she gotta go, but...

there are other ways.

All you gotta do is ask.

Okay, tonight, I want
you to go home and look up

"leopard cub kills baboon
and tries to adopt its baby."

Then you come back tomorrow and you
tell me babies are born with sin.

Why don't you give us the highlights?

Okay, fine.

A leopard cub kills a baboon, right?

And then as the leopard's dragging the
bloody baboon corpse home for dinner,

a baby baboon falls from
the folds of its dead mother.

And you're thinking, "Leopard's
gonna eat the baby," right?

A little baby baboon appetizer
before the main course?

But, no, he shelters the baby.

He even defends it against a hyena.

And why? Why would this
wild animal do that?

Because even a feral,
wild, predatory beast...

can recognize innocence when it sees
it and feels the need to protect it.

Yet Catholics can't.

Hey, what is your problem?

What's my problem?

Catholic school... that's my problem.

You people seem all "la, la, la, God,"

but in reality, you are
professional humiliators!

Oh, did someone get rapped with a ruler?

Get over it. You're a grown up.

Let it go.

But what happened to the baby baboon?

It died of exposure.

I suppose it was God's will.

Nonsense.

It was just really cold.

Like a nun's heart.

Oh, fuck.

Nuns say, "fuck"?

I'm a former nun.

They all came.

Who knew I still had juice?

Aren't you pleased? Your
friends showed up for you.

I need to think about something else. I
keep... having fantasies about biscuits.

You made your bed.

Now you can lie in it, strapped to an IV.

Or is it two IVs? I'm seeing double.

Looks like there's two of you in that bed.

I wish.

You do?

I always wondered about that whole
celibacy thing with you people.

How does that work?

Well, if you read the papers,

you know better in some
cases than in others.

What about with you?

Did you ever...

I've masturbated.

There's this statue of Jesus on the
cross that was especially ripped.

He was my guy.

Before Dmitri, there
was this man named Pavel.

Even talking about him
now... there's a tightening.

So what happened?

America... home of the free.

Dmitri was tame in bed, bold in life.

Pavel, the opposite.

I went with life.

I went with the man who
was going to go to America.

So, you didn't like having
sex with your husband?

I wouldn't say that, no.

I like sex.

I never rolled away after and thought,
"Oh, I wish I hadn't done that."

No, it was always nice.

But there's a part of me...

a part of every woman, I
think, that doesn't want nice.

That's the problem with
married sex in general.

No more fear.

Fear is good?

Fear is very good.

Oh!

But I'll say this for my
hairy-backed husband...

he always took care of me.

Turned him on.

Could spend weeks down there.

I do enjoy the release.

It cracks my neck.

Oh!

No, thank you.

Oh, come on. Stop it with this nonsense.

Believe me, all I want
is to eat that sandwich,

but I can't break my strike
with 100 nuns out there.

Please take it away!

You still worry about
what your friends think?

You think I'm acting childish?

Who's the one plotting revenge
in her bed like a gangbanger?

Here.

We can sandwich toast to
orgasms and do our time in peace.

Are you going to talk to SIS about Parker?

I can't sandwich toast
to climaxes and peace

while you plot a war.

And what happens in the meantime?

By remaining silent,

you let this... clearly
dangerous woman stay here.

How long before she hurts someone else?

One of your girls?

Oh.

You eat and I sing like a canary, huh?

We abandon our principles together.

You found her out by the greenhouse?

What was she doing out there?

I do not remember taking
Lady Locksley out there.

I do not!

Now, it is quite possible that
she has been interfered with.

Can you tell us where you were at
the time the incident took place?

I don't know. When did
the incident take place?

We're not sure. We have a window.

How did your lock end up in
the yard by the greenhouse?

We're not sure. We have a window.

- Who's we?
- Who?

Miss Warren, you've spent your
fair share of time in Psych.

You have a history of violent outbursts.

The incident with inmate Waterstone
in which you broke her collarbone.

The circumstances behind the
"accident" in the woodshop.

Several assaults.

An episode in which you removed
all of your clothes and...

Uh, uh, my therapist says,

"Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery."

We understand there was some bad blood
between Miss Parker and Mrs. Reznikov.

We further understand that

you and Miss Parker have
a close relationship?

Yeah, Vee and I are close. That's right.

Do you think she slocked Mrs. Reznikov?

No. No, no. Vee doesn't do that.

She's the brains, I'm the muscle.

You're the muscle?

You happen to flex in the greenhouse?

- Maybe.
- Maybe?

So we've gone from "no" to "maybe"?

No.

No?

Yes.

Yes?

Look... I'm feeling confused.

Is there something you'd like to tell us?

No.

Yes. No. Yes. No. No!

Yes! No! Yes! No.

Wait, no, yes, no, yes, no, no, yes, no.

No, no, no. Yes. No. No. No, no,
no. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no...

You know, when I was a kid,

I used to think that there
were people in the radio.

Like, these little itty-bitty
people that climbed in

and played on their mini instruments
and sang into their tiny microphones!

That's stupid.

I used to put Scotch Tape around my dolls

so I'd know if they
moved when I was sleeping.

They never did.

But I always wondered
if they were smart enough

to go back to their exact
positions and put the tape back on

so I wouldn't know.

Hey, did you ever see that movie,

the one where there's the cowboy and
he's, like, the king of the castle

and then this astronaut shows
up and he tries to take over

and so the cowboy attempts to murder him,

but instead

the astronaut is taken hostage
by, like, this evil psychopath

and the cowboy has to rescue him

and then they end up
becoming really good friends?

Toy Story?

Oh, my God! Toy Story!
That's it, that's it.

I love that movie. Oh!

You got one fucked-up
perspective on the world, kid.

Yeah, I hear that a lot.

I guess that's why I gotta be locked up.

No...

that's what makes you great.

Thanks, Rosa.

Hey, you ever think about
Jay-Z and Beyoncé fucking?

'Cause I do. Like, more
than I do myself, even.

You don't think that's weird?

Who's been in here?

Yo... in case math ain't your jam,

you know I got, like,
50 pounds on you, easy!

Who the fuck has been in here?

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

Damn. Fuck.

♪ This is a little
song about the nuns ♪

♪ Fiercer, meaner, crueler
Ruder than the Huns ♪

♪ I am forced to babysit them ♪

♪ When I thought that I had quit them ♪

♪ Oh, I kind of hope that
they all get the runs ♪

You know, she's not even a nun anymore?

The way we see it, she's
still married to Jesus.

We're Catholics. No divorce.

♪ This is a song about my mom and dad ♪

♪ And the divorce that
they should have had ♪

Oh, jeez.

Whoa.

You look rough, Red.

Yeah, well...

repeated shots to the
head with a lock in a sock

will do that to a person.

Thank you for coming to see me.

But you asked.

So...

SIS... thinks they got it figured out.

They're pinning everything on Crazy Eye...

On Warren.

They got some kind of
half confession out of her,

and that's good enough for them.

They wanna go home.

Red has something she wants to tell you.

I can speak for myself.
Thank you, hungry nun.

So...

Healy...

you have to bring SIS back in here.

You've already made your statement.

Like I said, SIS thinks
they have their gal.

You know she didn't do it.

I'm trying to do the
right thing here, Healy.

Help me.

I... I don't know anything.

You'd let the crazy one take
the hit for the real evil?

Where's your fight, Healy?

You used to care.

Where was your conscience when
they were in here the first time?

It was buried under her
mistrust for the system...

but she's trying to do right.

Yeah... well, you know what you
get when you try around here?

Not much.

Have a nice day.

You take care of yourself, okay?

Miss Cisneros.

Hello.

There's a chair outside in the
hallway if you'd like to wait there.

I gotta stay. It's policy.

I understand, of course...

but I would appreciate a few
moments alone with my patient.

I'm just doing my job.

It's all right, Doc.

I'm used to it.

Fine.

Miss Cisneros, we've received your results.

I'm dying, I know.

Well... yes, that's true.

- But...
- Look, Doc...

I don't need any bullshit about...

percentages or millimeters or stages.

Do me a favor and talk
to me like you would if...

I was a person you loved.

The chemo's not working.

This cancer is aggressive.

How long I got?

Three to six weeks, I'd say.

Thank you.

You hear that, my love?

Mommy's not going far away.

She's staying right here.

So we can see her...

kiss her...

and tell her all about how our day was...

and how we read that book Fraidyzoo...

and how your diaper leaked
all over Daddy's pants.

That's right.

We're very excited, right, baby?

We are so excited.

Aren't we?

Yeah.

Do you hate us?

Please tell us you don't hate us...

because you're still my best friend
and I don't have a lot of women friends,

and I love you, and I can't imagine
a world where you're not my friend.

We want your blessing.

You're kidding me, right?

You did cheat on me.

That doesn't mean I don't
get to have feelings.

If only my nipples smelled like marzipan.

You told him that?

Oh, Jesus...

He didn't need to know what
Alex's nipples smelled like.

It weirdly made him
feel better for a minute.

Fuck you.

Fuck both of you.

You're right.

She's right. Ugh...

This is so insane.

I'm so sorry. We shouldn't have come.

No, no.

We talked about this. It makes sense.

- Pipes...
- Stop it.

Fine.

But let's be realistic about this.

We both have known you a really long time.

It's not like you're suddenly
gonna disappear out of our lives.

That's... that's not what we want at least.

We? Oh, God...

Oh, God, gross.

Can we be adults about this, please?

Sure.

Okay.

Let's be adults.

Let's get this all out on the table...
just so that we're clear, okay?

The first person...

that you fuck...

after we break up...

is my best friend.

My married...

best friend.

And you...

you have a newborn.

I mean, was your vagina
even fuckable at that point

or were you just squirting
your milk all over him?

And then you did the worst thing.

You decided...

to fall in love.

And then you thought, "You
know what'd be a great idea?

"Let's go visit... Piper in prison...

"because that's where she lives...

"because things are going so great for her,

"and let's sit across from her...

"and ask for her blessing...

"so that we can walk
away... feeling absolved

"of all of the fucked-up
choices that we have made."

You're right.

It's fucked up.

I know that. Larry knows that.

But we didn't decide to
love each other, Piper.

It just happened.

The way love does.

And my vagina bounced back really fast.

Hey... Mr. Healy. Hi.

What do you think?

I prefer long hair.

Hey, but it's counter-culture.

Do you even know what that means?

Not really.

But I don't really think it matters...

as long as you say your opinion
louder than everybody else's.

- Have a good one, Doggett.
- Hold on.

- Hey!
- Wait!

I wanna talk to you.

I wanna do a make-up class
for Safe Place, all right?

I have a lot of free time this week.

You seemed to be pretty busy yesterday.

Is that why you're all sourpussed?

You sad 'cause I have
another friend besides you?

I thought we had the same values.

We do have the same values.

We like to express ourselves, and
we like to be kind to people, right?

I mean, because of you, Mr.
Healy, I made a new friend,

somebody that I would've never
talked to, and you know it.

I mean, now, is that
something else or what?

Touch me again and we're
gonna have a problem.

Do you understand?

All right, listen.

You don't gotta talk, okay?

I know you got issues with the butchies,
and you're not that far off the mark.

And I know you're pissed off at
me that I didn't make it to group.

Sorry, but I want you to know something.

I am forever grateful to you.

'Cause you're the only person...
in my whole life that's...

ever taken the time to talk to me.

And it just seems like...

you're really good at what you
do and that you really care.

And I will never finger her and
I will never let her finger me.

This is all part of
making the evil go away.

Okay.

And the final step.

Hey, hey.

Why don't you tell me what happened?

I hit her...

and hit her...

and hit her.

Why did you do that?

I don't remember.

You don't remember doing it...

or you don't remember why?

I don't remember.

Did you attack Red?

Vee said I did.

Those men who were here said
I did. Shouldn't I believe 'em?

No.

You should know what you did.

I can't remember!

Now, I thought I was...
mopping in the warehouse.

Turns out, I was slocking
in the greenhouse.

I must... you know, I must've mixed up
"ware" and "green" or "mop" and "slock."

That could happen...

right?

It's very unlikely.

Yes.

But who can I trust?

Yourself.

No.

No.

I'm unreliable.

Is Red gonna be okay?

I always liked her.

She's... scary,

but... her hair is like the Heat
Miser in that Christmas special...

don't you think?

She's, uh... Mrs. Green Christmas.

She's Mrs. Sun.

Yeah.

So...

what's gonna happen to me now?

Oh, good, you're packing up.

I just got word that I am
officially taking over your job.

Permanently or interim
till they find someone real?

He's giving you a trial run, isn't he?

What is it, 48 hours, 72?

Can you not fuck up for a few
days? There's a real challenge.

Meanwhile...

your shapely ass is canned while
mine is sitting in that chair.

I wasn't canned. I resigned.

I am leaving with a
commendation from the warden

about my dedicated service
to this institution,

and a press release about how
sad he is that I have decided

to devote myself to politics and
possibly motherhood full-time.

How the fuck do you do that?

How do you keep getting away with shit?

I'm not getting away with anything.

The warden is simply smart enough

to realize he doesn't
want a scandal on his hands

and he doesn't wanna make a
political enemy of my husband.

Your gay husband?

Your band sucks.

Your blowjobs suck.

I was good at my job, Joe.

It was complicated but I made it work.

Let's see how you do.

Well, I figure, for starters,

if I simply don't embezzle
and lie and neglect...

Oh, save it. I'm tired and I'm leaving.

Good luck with your noble intentions.
This place'll beat 'em out of you quick.

Well, Amanda has a theory
that it's all because of

the cycle of poverty and the bad
schools and the government cheese

and because I'm brown
and my mom was on crack.

But I think it's because...

I was just being an asshole.

I thought you said no mushy shit.

I'm sorry, P. I really am.

Yeah, well... Mackenzie thinks
it's repressed frustration

'cause you ain't never been to Paris.

It's probably that, too.

Oh, shit.

Outlander.

- You ever read this?
- Nah.

Lady travels back in time
to Scotland and some shit,

hooks up with this big sexy outlaw type
and they be gettin' it day in and day out.

Yo, it's hot!

But the dude's, like... pale with red hair.

Not my thing.

But if I go back in
time, I go back to Africa.

I find me a Nubian king
with a Nubian thing.

Yo, look, when I was a kid, my parents
rented that movie Back to the Future.

I was mad convinced.

So, like, every time I left the house,

my backpack was full of stuff
just in case I went back in time.

I was all ready for my DeLorean...

but it never came.

Yo, P.

The fuck do y'all want, man?

Chill, you fuckin' book
ninja. We come in peace.

For real. This shit's gone too far.

Yeah, well, took you fucking
long enough to notice.

That bitch went crazy on my ass.

"Where's my shit? Where's my
shit?" She cracked wide open.

Wait. What shit? Her shit shit?

Oh, shit.

Went missing, yeah.

She's out of her mind.

Guessing she'll be coming after y'all next.

Yo, but we ain't got her shit.

She talkin' about takin'
everybody out for it.

Look, I don't care if y'all got it or not.

I just wanna know

I'm not getting slocked in my
bed or shanked on the dooker.

Yo, if she's suspecting y'all,

then that means she ain't
got no people no more...

except Crazy Eyes.

Mmm-mmm, Crazy Eyes be out with
SIS takin' the fall for doin' Red.

Vee got that noodle-brain
convinced she did it.

We kind of helped with that, too.

I hope you right with
your God with that one.

Hey, don't make us try and
feel badder than we already do.

Y'all was with Vee, too. Y'all
was doing sketchy shit, too.

She must really be losin'
it over them drugs, huh?

Lost it.

Yo, maybe we can make this right.

I mean... Vee got no one. We all talkin'.

- So we jump her? Pow, pow, pow!
- Yo, don't!

I'm in.

No... I don't think we need to do all that.

Okay... I made an effort.

It's your turn.

Eat something.

Uh...

Fine.

Okay, Sister.

I've stopped your transfer.

I was being transferred?

That's right. You, Chapman
and a bunch of others.

Fig was having you all sent to Virginia.

I just took care of it.
You're all staying here.

Aren't you glad?

Well, it...

it's hard to be emotionally invested in
something I didn't know was happening,

but... yes, I... I
suppose that's good news.

Good.

I've done you a solid.

Now would you do something for me?

Eat something.

Don't eat a thing,
Ingalls. Fight the power.

Red, you're not helping.

Look...

Fig is out.

I'm in.

Give me a win here.

Let me show the administration
I can handle situations.

I wanna make a difference, Sister.

Would you do that for me?

Here...

I brought you a muffin.

Go ahead.

Go ahead... take a bite.

We'll call it a day.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Excellent. All right.

Attagirl.

Now would you mind calling off your nuns?

Luschek.

Need to ask you something.

- You can buy it on the Internet.
- What?

Whatever you're looking for.

I guess I could help you
with what words to type in.

Do I wanna know that much about you?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I need to ask you about Warren.

Who?

Crazy Eyes.

Oh.

You might've seen her in electrical
around the time Red got slocked.

Cleaning up, sweeping the
floor, something like that.

I, uh... might have.

Well, that's great.

I need an interdepartmental work order

showing the specific time
that she reported to you.

And, uh...

you would owe me a big one
for lying for you, right?

You know, something to be
determined at a later date?

Sure.

Fine.

Here's the form.

Oh!

This is gonna be fun.

Turn around.

Thanks, Luschek.

Hey, Taystee.

How's my girl?

Who? Me?

Come on, now.

I had to teach you a little
lesson, but... the time out is over.

Come on back.

Play with Mama.

I think I'll stay in the corner.

And while you in that corner, look around.

You wouldn't happen to be hiding

a big box of something
that's not yours, would you?

I didn't take your shit.

But you know who did!

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

This... does not concern you.

Taystee, we've been together long enough.

I don't have to remind you... what
happens when someone oversteps.

You mean like RJ?

Yes.

Like RJ.

You'd be 10 years dead now.

You'd be just another anonymous black child

buried six deep in a county field.

Here's the thing about mamas.

They're only mamas as
long as they got kids.

Without 'em, what are they?

Uh... nothing.

You got to have people.

Especially in here, you just got to.

Otherwise, you find yourself
vulnerable to all sorts of shit.

Lots of locks.

Lots of socks.

You're turning me out?

Fuck you.

You think I can't survive?

I will find a new family.

'Course you will.

As long as there's psychos like you,
there's always people willing to follow.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll find all
sorts of new suckers over at max.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

See, we feel real bad about Suzanne.

So we about to... What's
that... what's that word?

Recant.

Yeah, we about to recant our shit.

Yeah, you know who made up
that "never snitch" bullshit?

People who probably
deserved to be snitched on.

Taystee.

My Taystee Girl.

You break my heart.

Might be true...

if you had one.

Hey, you know what I was thinking?

You ever seen Toy Story 2?

You know, it's hard to believe,
but it's better than the first one.

And even though sequels never are...
this? This is the exception to the rule.

So, I was thinking, maybe we could
get them to play it next week.

Wouldn't that be good, huh?

She's done.

Done, done.

Only has a few more weeks.
That's what the doc said.

Man... it's real fucked
up to die in prison, right?

I mean, it's fucked up
to die, period, but...

this is really, I mean...

it's fucked up.

Man, I love this one.

Chapman.

Yeah?

You were right, you know?

What you said to me when I first got here.

What did I say?

You told me to find a wife...

someone to look out for me.

I should've listened.

Yeah, I was fucking with you.

I know.

But you were right.

God, this is the loneliest
place I've ever been

and I lived alone in a
tree for eight months.

Yeah, you're pretty
much on your own in here.

It sucks.

And no one understands.

Like, Meadow asked if she
could send me a care package.

She thinks this is camp.

But it's not. It's... awful.

I don't think I'm gonna
be the same when I get out.

Maybe that's okay.

It's not fucking okay.

I know.

Miss Warren.

Miss Warren!

The authorities will be here soon

to transfer you to another facility
to await trial on this charge.

Mmm.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Oh! "We say 'thank you, ' we say 'please,
' and 'excuse me, ' when we sneeze.

"That's the way we do what's right.
We have manners. We're polite."

What?

You wanna go home or not, huh?

I'm supposed to meet Cheryl
at the White Horse tonight.

Fine.

Good day, sir. I say, "Good day."

Thank you very much. Thank you
very much. No, thank you very much.

No, thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Go. Bye.

Excuse me, I need to recant my testimony.

Hey, hey, I got new information.

- It was Vee Parker.
- Yes.

- Vee Parker did it.
- Yo, you gotta believe us.

It might've seemed like it was Crazy
Eyes 'cause that bitch is crazy,

but it was not her.

Yeah, justice is not being served.

Ladies, I'm sorry. We're done for the day.

- No! No!
- Where is security?

Is there a CO around here?

Ladies, I strongly suggest
you clear this hallway.

- Just listen for one sec!
- It was Vee Parker!

Hold up. Hold up.

Oh, good, Mr. Healy,
please control your inmates.

Control? We don't need control.

I have a work order here.

There's no way Warren could've
done it. She was in electrical.

You gotta let her go. Case is still open.

Shit.

You should call Cheryl.

Yeah, you should call Cheryl.

"Honey, I'm gonna be home late."

Jesus.

Come in.

Welcome, John!

Huh?

You like my new office?

Yeah, it's, uh... it's very nice.

Look, Mr. Caputo...

I can't be a pussy anymore. I have to...

stand up and be a man.

Oh, no, don't.

Please don't tell me you
busted up another dorm.

- I can't...
- Daya's baby's mine.

The baby's mine.

I got her pregnant and she got scared,

so she had sex with Mendez so
that I wouldn't get blamed, but...

I have to step up. It's,
uh... it's my child...

- Stop talking.
- It's my child. It's my baby.

I said, "Stop talking."

Jesus tits.

It's my second day.

I can't.

I can't... I can't have this.

No.

This has been dealt with.

But the baby's mine.
Mendez is being prosecuted.

'Cause Mendez fucked her.

So did I!

No, you didn't.

Sir, I... I fucked her.

Do you love this girl, Bennett?

I do.

Then I suggest you keep your mouth shut

or I will send your love,
the town pump of Litchfield,

to a max facility where she
will spend her days in a cage

away from you and her
mother and her friends

until she delivers your child with
her hands and feet cuffed to a bed.

What do you want, Bennett?

Nothing, sir.

Good.

It's my second day.

My second fucking day.

Get out of here.

Yes, sir.

An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison

is attempting to contact you.

To accept this call, please press one.

- Should we take that?
- It's Piper.

We have to.

Piper.

Hi, are you alone?

I'm in the car with
Polly. You're on speaker.

Ah! Of course I am.

Listen, do you wanna make it up to me?

Depends on what that means.

I need a favor.

And, Larry, if you're
not willing to do this...

then, Polly, I'm asking you.

What is it?

There's a probation officer
and his name is David Crockett.

Just like Davy Crockett.

He probably works for the federal division
of the Queens County probation office.

I'm sure that you can
find the bureau online.

Okay.

I need you to call him and tell him...

that Alex Vause is violating her probation

and that she is on her way out of town.

Is that true?

Yes.

And the purpose of this is what?

Larry, I am giving you the opportunity
to fuck over someone that you hate.

And why would I do that?

So she lands back in there with you?

Polly?

What's the office called, again?

Where is she?

Anybody seen Parker?

Parker?

You don't know where your inmates are?

Hello?

Jesus.

Okay.

The laundry room where the meth heads work?

- What the fuck were you thinking?
- I was thinking

it's a place big enough to hold
it and it would have to do for now.

All right.

Oh, come on.

Start stuffing these down your
pants and head back to the warehouse.

I'll grab Caputo. We lead him
to it and we nail the bitch.

Wait a minute.

You want me to walk from
here to the warehouse

with heroin stuffed in my pants?

No fucking way.

Come on, you're already
bulky. No one's gonna notice.

Ha.

How'd you get it here in the first place?

Laundry bag. I hid it in some clothes.

You know, it makes sense to go
to laundry with a bag of clothes.

Makes no sense to go to the warehouse
with a laundry bag of clothes.

Yeah, well, here's an idea.

Why didn't you just leave
it there in a different spot?

- Seriously?
- Uh-huh.

You know she tore that place apart.

If it was me, I would've
torn that place apart.

You know, Nicky...

what if Caputo doesn't
believe that this is Vee's?

I mean, what if he thinks it's ours?

Maybe we should keep it?

- Oh, fuck.
- Shit!

Everybody down?

Good.

What's going on?

Parker's missing.

Stay here.

What's going on?

An inmate is missing.

Back to your bunks for count.

All right.

Come on, son. We'll deal with this later.

All inmates, return to your
bunks for count immediately.

Nichols?

This prison is officially on lockdown.

Please remain in your
bunks until further notice.

Holy shit, we got a runner.

You ever had a runner before?

No.

Oh, it's fun.

Don't take another step!

Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey!

What the fuck?

Can I help you?

I didn't know you were home.

I don't fucking care. You can't
just walk into my apartment!

Yeah, I know that... usually, but...

he asked me to.

Mr. Crockett.

Miss Vause.

Fuck.

And you will remain in your
bunks until further notice.

No exceptions, no excuses.

Fall out.

A-Dorm, B-Dorm, C-Dorm,
we are on lockdown.

Return to your area immediately.

You got some good hair, girl.

Almost that Tracee Ellis
Ross biracial texture.

Almost.

It's a little dry, though.

I need to get you a co-wash,
maybe a hot oil treatment.

-... 15, 16, 17...
- Oh, wait. No, keep your leg straight.

Yeah, 17, 18...

for, like, over 15 years.
That woman was fucking insane.

Then fuckin' ditched your ass.

But you... how y'all gonna
diss me like y'all did before?

Fuck it.

Don't die in here, Miss
Rosa. Go do it your own way.

What do I do?

Go fast.

Prison's on lockdown.

We need to get her back to
rooms and get you back...

- What the fuck?
- Oh, lord in heaven!

- Oh, shit. Shit! Shit!
- Oh, my God!

Rosa, come back here!

You're gonna get in big trouble, Rosa!

What's going on with the alarms?

As far as you're concerned,
we're just testing the system.

Now tell me again what you're gonna say.

"I've elected to end my hunger strike."

That's right.

I feel like a shill.

Greater good, Ingalls. Eye on the prize.

Go on.

"Thanks to the efforts of you, my sisters,
the administration has heard our outcry

"and is taking steps to
address our complaints."

"Beginning with the appointment
of Assistant Warden Joe Caputo."

What the fuck?

O'Neill, scatter the nuns!

Run, nuns! Run!

Run!

Oh, fuck!

And that backup is due to road work

that's going to be going on
probably until tomorrow night.

Now if you're traveling
eastbound on Duncan...

Always so rude, that one.