All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black - 3x13 - Trust No Bitch.WebRip.QCF.en

synced and corrected by Caio
www.addic7ed.com

Sit, sit, sit.

We don't give a shit about the movie.

My heart is beating so fast right now.

Bony, rat-faced son of a bitch
deserved to grow an ass tulip.

What in the fuck is wrong with us?

We ain't rapey enough.

I mean, I sure as hell
don't wanna keep staring down that

naked, hairy butthole and
trying to pull apart them sticky cheeks.

Do you think that he agonized
over this like some little bitch?

No. He planned his rape,
and he raped his plan.

He didn't plan it.

At least not the first time.
How do I know that he didn't feel bad?

I mean, after he came?
He could actually hate himself.

Well, he fucking should.
He's a rapist.

Well, then maybe it's good

that we didn't shove a carrot
down his rabbit hole,

'cause we could be sitting here,
hating on ourselves too, Boo.

Face it...

we ain't Swedish enough
to be splitting his starfish.

And I ain't a rapist.
I ain't, and I feel good about it.

Well, I hope that is a consolation
tomorrow when you have van duty.

Shit.

Oh.

Maybe I'll drink that Mexican diarrhea tea
that the fat chicolos make,

and I'll be too sick to work.

Yeah, that's great,
but what about the next day,

and the day after that and the next?

He's got you.
God, there's no fucking justice!

Yeah, and I really don't like tea.

Hmm?

-I'm freaking the fuck out.
-Relax, I'll catch you up.

See, she's uptight, right,
and he's this unpredictable sous chef--

No, Soso is dead in the library.

For real, I think.
Look, I walked in...

Go find a CO.

No, I wanna see.
Where is she?

Will you please just come?

Can we see?

Oh, please, please, please, please,
with extra sugar on top.

-Please, please...
-Okay.

You save our seats,
and tell me everything I miss.

Fine.

Dead bodies. Dead bodies,
dead bodies, dead bodies, dead bodies.

Come on.

-She ain't dead.
-She ain't?

I done seen enough dead to know alive.

Here.

What we gonna do with her?

If only we had an invisibility cloak.

Or an extremely deep
and wide belly button.

Stop it.

Man, we need to make sure
the girl don't go to Psych.

No. Like, N-O, no.
Psych's so bad.

I wouldn't even wish it
on the people running it.

Although that would be
poetic in its own way.

On my count, all right?

One, two...

Watch her head, watch her head.

Got it. Got it. I got it.

All right, you get the front.
I got the back.

Three, four, and wrong!

Well?

I skipped the final repetition
and played directly into the coda.

You thought I wouldn't notice?

Do you know what happens to cheaters?

They go to hell.

Who told you that?

Brook!

Reverend Pat Roberts.

I didn't watch TV on purpose.

Jessica's parents always have
The 700 Club on.

And that's why Jessica
never places at the science fair.

There is no hell.
There is no heaven.

When we die, all that remains are
the memories of our achievements.

And cheaters are very quickly forgotten.

Again.

Play. And sit up straight!

Hey. You have a nice day?

We went to Olive Garden.

Well, I had a good day, too.
Helped some inmates.

Your Russian friend?

Yeah, and an Asian girl.

Had a case of jailbird blues.
Hey...

did you ever consider
that you're technically Asian?

Round-eyed Asian with blond hair?

I'm Ukrainian.

I'm making a joke.

You know, it wouldn't kill you
to smile once in a while.

It's not like I'm asking you
to sleep in my bed...

or bring me back leftovers
of Lasagna Classico...

which you pay for with my money,

which you know I enjoy,
which you never finish!

"I don't want to be a fat person."

You know what?
I had a really good day today.

I had a really good day today.

And I just wanted to come home
and share it with you...

and you don't care.

At all!

What do you really want from me?

My freedom.

I think you and
your mother ought to go get an apartment.

-I'll help you pay for it.
-You would do that?

I'm surrounded by women
in captivity all day long.

I don't need to come home to another one
who feels like she's trapped in a cage.

Well, what you waiting for?

Why don't you...
put your fingers down her throat?

Knowing what to do does not make me
bottom bitch of the vomitorium.

Maybe stick your fingers
down your own throat.

People see or hear other people puke,
makes them wanna do it.

- Sympathetic vomiting.

Just... Fine, we wasting time.

-Just fuck it.
-No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ew.

-Easier cleanup.
-Yeah.

Okay. Good. Go.

Okay.

Yes.

- Oh, Jesus!

Ew!

Chunks! That's nasty!

Hmm, but look at all them pills.

Sympathetic vomiting.

Pull the drain.

Now, should we stick a needle
in her heart or something?

This ain't Pulp Fiction,
and that ain't heroin.

Well, why ain't she awake?

'Cause she ate fistfuls of pills
like they was Tic Tacs

-and she weighs three pounds.
-Good point.

We gotta watch her and make
sure she doesn't stop breathing,

and if she does, we give her CPR.

Shit.

Look, if that happens, man, you giving her
the mouth-to-throw-up-mouth, all right?

She okay?

There's no blood in it, so that's good.

- Huh.

She'll be fine.

Man, why this shit
gotta happen on movie night?

Anybody want some cigarettes?

I found these hanging from the drain.

Relax. We go in,
we make our case.

Uh-uh. With Dad, we go in with one agenda,

we come out excited
to do the exact opposite.

He's like a magical, manipulative wizard.

There is no way either of us
are gonna walk out of there

thinking it's okay
to punish the victim of a hate crime.

"Burset comes out of the SHU."
That's our mantra.

-"Burset comes out of the SHU."
-There you go.

-Yeah. "Burset comes out of the SHU."
-"Burset comes out of the SHU."

Well, why don't we just drive back there
and let her out ourselves?

Okay, suppose we do that.
Then what happens?

We probably get fired.

That's right. And then what?

She gets thrown back in.

But this time,
there's no one around to help her.

They'll bury her in there.
You know that.

-Let's do this right.
-You're walking into the lion's den.

I'm with a guy named Daniel.

No one calls me that.

And "Danny in the Lion's Den"
sounds like the name of a picture book

for slow, homeschooled kids.

-Joe, he's my dad.
-And he's wrong.

You need to stand up to him,
tell him that.

- He's gonna respect you for it.

And if he doesn't, he's your dad,
he's still gonna love you.

Man, you know nothing about WASPs.

Maybe you need to bust out
the eggs again, like in the old days.

Norma doesn't need that voodoo shit.

Well, maybe she does.
I mean, no offense, Norma,

but your latest gift seems to be
making your flock disappear.

Those quitters aren't Norma's sheep.
They're rats.

Don't rats leave the sinking ship first?

Shut up, Angie.
It's your fault everybody bailed.

What did Angie do?

I ruined my miracle by
getting thrown in the SHU.

Which was seriously the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

Even counting that time I smoked crack
thinking it was meth

and then took four shots of Everclear
and ate cat poop.

Maybe those quitter,
rat-sheep girls are a little right.

Like, if it was a miracle,
shouldn't she be in France

- or Albuquerque or something?

I'm sorry, Holy Norma.
I didn't mean to mess it up.

You'll go back to making people cry,
but in a good way, really soon.

Get out.

I heard a rumor we're getting new beds.

Did your spirit friends
have anything to do with that?

Look,
people love a sign, you know?

We're all looking for a clue
that there's a reason for things,

that everything's not all
random and lonely, you know?

Maybe focus on another miracle...
one some dummy can't fuck up.

What do you want, Gonzales?

Straight-up gangsta, Chapman.
Respect.

-I'm not the Godfather.
-No. You're taller and tighter.

It was business.

So what's it gonna take
for me to get back in?

Have you actually seen The Godfather?

You're the sour-pantied Luca Brasi.

You sleep with the fishes.

-I can help.
-You're dead to me.

Basta.

Oh, come on, my mom is sick.

Really? Is that the best
that you can come up with?

No! For real.

She's got lymphoma,

and the co-pays and shit
are killing her faster than the cancer.

I gotta be able to help her.

But instead, I'm stuck in this shithole,
barely making enough to pay for Pantene.

I'm sorry.

Come on, Chapman, please.
I know you're a good person.

And think of all that
sweet potorro tang I'm wasting.

I'm begging and I don't do that
'cause I got Latin pride and shit.

But I'm begging you for this,
'cause it's real stuff going on.

You start off at a lower rate
than everybody else.

Thank you.

-Thank you...
-No hugging. Mmm-mmm.

It's none of my business,

but you know that teardrop
under her eye isn't real, right?

You're right.
It's literally none of your business.

It's my business, and it's flourishing.

How do you think that's gonna look?
Bringing back the agitator-in-chief?

Like I am a good and benevolent dictator.

--Like King Wangchuck of Bhutan.

He created
the Gross National Happiness scale

so his people would be content
and remain loyal.

And how did that work out for him?

Yeah.

There's no such thing
as a benevolent dictator,

only a weak one, or a dead one.

He did not die.
He abdicated voluntarily.

You know what I mean.

You're letting the fox
back into the hen house.

You dumped me because I fired Flaca,

and now you're criticizing me
for bringing her back.

I broke up with you because
you were being gross,

and now you're being stupid.

That girl wants to fuck you over
and get her prison cred back.

But you're right.

It's none of my business.

Godfather knows best.

Oh, shit!

--What the fuck?

Well, can't make it worse.

Seriously?

You feed people food from
the fucking floor, like we're animals?

Maybe we should all get down
on our knees and lick it up!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm kidding.

They doubled our order of slop this month,
we can cover it.

What's gotten into you?

It's not your problem.

She got man troubles.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Don't give it back when you're done.

Not that kind of man.

What other kind is there?

The kind with tits.

Burset? They took her to Seg.

I've had enough.
What's done is done.

Let's not beat a dead horse.

Black Beauty was the one beat you.

-You ask me, it got what was coming.
-Uh-uh.

-Don't blame me for what happened.
-I'm giving you credit.

You were the one that started spreading
all those rumors about her.

So I'll take credit, too.
Mission accomplished.

You two need to clean this up.

I'll get the mop.

Gloria, sometimes there's a mess.
It happens.

Yeah.

Something's the matter.
I can tell.

I got this talent for knowing
when things are bothering people.

Nothing's bothering me.

Yeah, something is.
I can feel it in my elbow.

All the women in my family
got the knowing elbow.

Yeah, well,
something's bothering you, too.

I can feel it in my toe.

Which toe?

Oh, you're bluffing.

All right, fine.

-You want me to say this?
-Yeah.

I think we should end this.

Oh, no.

No, that is not
what I was thinking at all.

It wasn't?

No, I...

I was thinking how hard
gravity had been on me

'cause I fell so far
so fast for you.

I was gonna tell you I love you,

and I ain't never said that to nobody,
except this one guy before.

You telling me you don't love me?

It ain't got nothing
to do with feelings, okay?

--I got crazy feelings for you.

Pauly D, JWoww 2010 kind of feelings.

-But that's the problem, you know?
-I don't get that!

They couldn't act on them.

JWoww had a boyfriend.

You got prison.

Well, there's nowhere to go.

It's like it's blue balls,
but for my heart, Lorna.

No, this is not happening. I...

I was saving this for my vision board.

But all vision, no action
kills Hamlet, right?

I guess.
I don't really know.

It did. I saw the movie.

Whoa, whoa.

Come on, baby.
What are you doing?

I love you, Vince Muccio.

And I love everything
that you've done for me,

especially beating up that
good-for-nothing Christopher,

showing me what a real man looks like.

I wanna spend my life with you...

and I don't wanna wait.

Inmate, back in your seat!

I want you to marry me.

Morello, no touching!
Back in your seat, now!

Well, don't leave a girl hanging.

What do you say?

You are the most amazing girl
I have ever met, Lorna Morello.

I mean, it should be
the guy doing the asking,

but I gotta say there's something
kind of hot about you

down on your knees like that.

Yes.

-Yes. Yes, I will.
-Oh!

I will marry you.
I will marry you.

I swear, I'm gonna be...

such a good wife.

-The best.
-The best.

I don't want you to go,

but I think we should say goodbye
so we can kiss. Yeah?

Okay.

CO Ford, uh, we are done here.

Can we say goodbye
and maybe kiss a little, please?

All right, wrap it up.

Morello, wrap it up!

The body of Christ.

Amen.

The body of Christ.

- The body of Christ.
- Amen.

- The body of Christ.
- Amen.

The body of Christ.

- Amen.
- The body of Christ.

Ah, look at my little princess.

You got Christ in your body now, dolly.
That means you got responsibilities.

-I love this dress!
-What's in your hand?

I read in a magazine
that white food makes you fat.

You didn't eat your Eucharist?
She didn't eat her Eucharist.

You gotta eat the cracker, Lorna.
The cracker's the whole point.

No, Mommy,
the dress is the whole point!

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus!
Thank you, Jesus!

-Should I remain silent?
-Actually, I...

I could use a nice chat.

You ever believe in anything, Red?

Valentina Vladimirovna Tereshkova.

Her father drove a tractor
and her mother worked in a textile plant,

and she went to outer space
in a rocket ship.

First woman to do that.
I worshipped her.

What happened?

Nothing, I still think she's terrific.

She's in her 70s now
and she wants to go to Mars.

Put in a request with Putin.

Russians stay focused.

This doesn't feel like
the good kind of silence.

It's not.

At least it's bread day.

And it's so over-toasted,
you could pretend it was a cracker.

Wait.

I never doubted you, not for a second!

Gently, gently. Hold it up.

It's her! It's exactly her!

-Oh, my Norma!
-Careful.

It's Toast Norma.

It's a miracle. Toast Norma!

Toast Norma!

It's like one of those 3D poster thingies
from when we were kids.

You gotta wait a second to see it.

Praise be to Norma.

Her image has been emblazoned
by the universe unto toast

as a reminder of her power
and goodliness here on this earth.

There's never any dignity at the end.

Yeah, I'm gonna check it out.

Gina. Gina... don't be a fool.

I have a birthmark on my left butt cheek
that's shaped like a scarab.

Doesn't make me Cleopatra.

Yo, Norma, you in their toast!

--You in the toast!

What's going on?

- Gaze upon the glory of the toast.
- You in the toast.

-Look at that!
-Yeah, I don't see it. It...

Oh, holy mother, there it is in,
in the burn marks.

-Yeah!
-Oh, it's beautiful!

It's a gift. It's a gift.

It's a gift! Thank you.
Thank you, Norma.

- It's so crazy.
- Toast Norma.

It's a miracle.

- Norma, it looks just like you.
- It's a real miracle.

- She's sleeping again.
- What?

Yo, Bennie.

- Wake up.

"Bennie"?

Yeah, we checked out them foils, man.

You took, like, 100 Benadryls.

But the good news is your allergies are
squared away for, like, a decade.

I still don't understand
why we're helping her anyway.

She ain't one of us.

Because you have never been to Psych.

Nobody saved me from the SHU.

Well, eventually,
you come back from the SHU.

And look, besides, as long as she with us,

we're gonna be like
the Tiger Woods of prison cliques.

Blasian is beautiful.

Hey, that's right.

Your skin doesn't have to be black,
as long as your heart is black.

Um...

She's sleeping again.

You've been pretty chill
about all of this.

- Shh.
- Man, what you doin', anyway?

Well, for your nosy information,
I'm working on my conversion essay.

-You still on that?
-You damn right.

--No matter what they take from me,

they can't take away
my motherfucking kosher meals.

Okay. I got a Black Jew,
I got an Asian Black,

a bunch of race-squatting carpetbaggers.

You've disciplined your body in accordance
with the teachings of blessed Elijah,

for the glory of Allah.

But anything more, anything more,

is self-aggrandizing and immodest,
and I forbid it.

What about college?

Running track can pay for it.

Not if it means running half-naked
in public, like a common whore.

I can't compete wearing a tent.

She has a talent and a passion,
and college,

a good college, is out of reach
without this.

Especially for a woman.
Especially for a black woman.

- Money is not my god.

Maybe Allah ain't my god.

Maybe I don't want to be
a proud daughter in the Nation of Islam.

I mean, at least
she knows who the father is, right?

Even if he's a shit-eating pussy
who walked out.

Mmm.

That baby ain't never
gonna hear the name Bennett.

My dad was either Julio,
Rodrigo, or Chad.

My luck, it was fucking Chad.

- A mailbox that leaks pee.
- Uh-uh.

I asked for a C-section,

so my sails wouldn't be
flapping in the wind.

I don't have anything flapping.

It feels like, you know, when you get
punched in the eye and it swells shut?

Except I got punched in the chocha.

You're back,
and you didn't come talk to your mother?

What kind of shit is that?

I knew I didn't have to
'cause you're gonna butt in anyway.

You got what you wanted, didn't you?

I was with my baby two hours,

getting ready to hand it over
to Pornstache's mom.

And who shows up?
Cesar and our cousin, Yas.

Don't pretend like you ain't happy,
'cause I know you are.

Ah, you don't know anything.

You're happy, but you can't say it
'cause you gotta hate me.

You said keeping the baby
was the worst thing for her.

Yeah, well, kids adapt.

--Marc Anthony grew up in the projects

and now he's rich and got to stick it
to J. Lo even though he's pocket-size.

And this was about you.

I know that feeling you got
when you had her in your arms.

And if that went away forever,
you'd be all kinds of fucked up.

You make her sound like she's drugs.

The worst kind.

She's gonna make you feel better
than you ever thought you could,

then drain all your money
and ruin your life.

You're always gonna need her.

And even when you hate her,
you're gonna love her.

Even when she's in prison with you.

-Thank you.
-Was that so fucking hard?

Nosing whiskey isn't like sniffing wine.

Now, you'd fry your brain
right out of your skull

with full nasal insertion
into the tumbler.

No, nosing is an art form of its own.

All right, when you boys are ready,
go ahead and imbibe.

But don't swallow.

Chew the scotch.

Let it explore the different
taste corners of your tongue.

He stole all that fellating
whiskey stuff from a YouTube video.

You got something to say there, Danny?

Dad, uh, we just really need
to get down to business.

--Danny, I'm trying to teach you.

It's all business.

The club, the bullshit, it's a dance.

Yeah, well, Burset comes out of the SHU.
Cha-cha-cha.

Uh, Burset comes out of the SHU.

I heard you the first time.

Where was your preamble?

Where was the lead-in
where you reminded me

how you saved money on the fence repair
and the new meal plan?

Come on, I taught you better!

Tell me about the new beds
we're installing.

Tell me how much more money
we're gonna make.

Mr. Pearson, we need to focus

on the people we're tucking
into these new beds,

or any budget surplus we find

is going straight to fight one
gross-negligence lawsuit after another.

We have a chance
to set the pace with Burset.

We can't keep her in the SHU forever,

and the longer we do,
the more we open ourselves up for...

Let me back you up here
for a second, Joe.

Ms. Burset is in protective custody,

- not solitary confinement.

It's both one and the horrible same, sir.

I understand.

And we need to talk about updating
our facilities and our policies

about their use as a long-term priority.

-Well, how can a priority be long-term?
-Uh, Danny...

No, no, no, a priority by definition is
something that needs to happen right now.

I think what Danny means--

No, no, no, no, he knows what I mean.

What I mean is
Burset comes out of the SHU,

-'cause she didn't do anything wrong!
-All right, son, all right.

No, don't do that! That placating thing!
You're doing it right now!

And you lied to me,
and you did it to my face!

I told you we would
look over our options.

- We did...

...and there were none better.
So you can either suck it up--

You know, fine!
That's it! I quit!

Whoa, what's going on?

Yeah.
Enjoy nose-fucking your whiskey!

This is out of line.

Find anything good?

These donated books are the suck.

I read that one already.

Once you rebuild your bones with butter,
you're gonna have to unclog your arteries

with, like, a Shop-Vac or something.

It's kind of bullshit.

Spoiler alert.

Hey, um, thanks again for giving me
a second chance, Chapman.

I'm really grateful.

Uh-huh.

- Next!

Nah, we don't got that.

All these new guards.
Infiltrators.

Next.

Did you see the toothpick guy?

Uh, no. I've been laying real low.

Don't turn around!

They're watching.

There's the squirrelly dude
who looks like a young Jack Nicholson,

who's always givin' everybody donuts.

Then there's the high-school-looking kid

who uses that little baby face
to get away with... something.

And now, there's a toothpick guy.
He started today!

Next.

-Thanks. I'll be careful.
-You will be dead.

I haven't even gotten started on
the black Mr. Clean over there.

What, CO Please-and-thank-you?
He's a teddy bear.

Who are the Teddy Bears?
Should I know about them?

Next.

Ivory soap, Colgate, Diet Coke.

Bad choice.

Aspartame invented by
Donald Rumsfeld in the '80s.

Mind control.

That's true.

Seriously? You, too?

Did you know that Monsanto

gave Donald Rumsfeld
$12 million for aspartame in 1985?

Yes.

All right, we should talk.

Soso, thanks for comin'.

Please, have a seat.

Are you okay?

You look, uh...

Did they give you
your prescription at medical?

Well, sometimes it takes
a couple of weeks to even out.

What did you wanna see me about?

Berdie Rogers.

Is she coming back?

Mr. Caputo is gonna be talking
to several inmates about her conduct.

I want you to know that you can trust him.

You can basically tell him
anything you would tell me.

For example, don't be afraid to tell him
that you spoke with her for several weeks

and she offered you
no medical care for your...

Your mental condition.

You're really bad at your job, Mr. Healy.

Like, really bad.

You make me feel worse about myself
every time we talk.

Berdie helped me.

I'm going now.

-We're ready.
-You made that?

Mmm-hmm.

As good as any tattoo gun
you'll see in the real world.

I mean, almost.

This is a spinny thing
from an old Discman,

and that drives the needle
that I snagged from the sweatshop.

Where did you find a Discman?

One of the OG ladies.

She traded it for a fan.
Thank God for hot flashes.

Add a little power.

And some ink.

Now all I need... is the girl.

I'm thinking an infinity symbol.
I'm thinking a small infinity symbol.

Mmm-mmm. Cliché.

Said the girl with the...

- Yeah.

Those are all pretty unique.

Let me surprise you.
Unless you don't trust me.

I don't trust anybody,

and I'm starting to have
second thoughts about this.

Chicken. Come on, it's white ink.

You're not even gonna see it,
not unless you're looking for it.

Fine. But subtle.

Ow!

Oh, this hurts.

Um, I need a distraction.

Nope. That's not it at all.
You need to do the opposite.

- You need to honor the pain.

Really feel it.

Tell yourself you're into it.
It's your pain.

I'm into it?

Yeah, you're really into it.
You own it.

I'm gonna miss you.

At least now you'll have
something to remember me by.

Something that both
June and Joann don't realize.

Hold on, ladies. Ladies. Okay.

Sister, I got a favor to ask.
Can I make a confession to you?

Of sin or crime?

Not that I'm qualified
to handle either one.

Sin. Guilt.

How about I listen and advise?

-You wanna wait till your show's over?
-Oh, it's a repeat. Go ahead.

Okay, so, I had a grudge
against this person,

and she got herself into some trouble.

And I never spoke up

and said, "Hey,
she's not really dangerous!"

It's never too late to do the right thing.

It is... if she's already in Seg.

Sophia's my friend,

so forgive me if I have
a hard time staying objective.

It's this place.

We're locked up, all of us in a cage.

And it brings out, man...

it brings out the worst,
most selfish parts.

It's this place.

It's us.

I didn't say anything either
when they took Sophia to Seg.

We fail,
and God forgives us, but...

I don't know if we can ever really...
forgive each other...

or ourselves.

I guess you can say some Hail Marys.

I don't know what else to tell you.
It's all wrong.

Enough, already.
You're going to embarrass me.

Shh!

Oh, my God. Please.

You want a little boy or not?

They already told me last month
it's a girl.

Hokey pokey can't change that.

Pretend like she ain't even here.

Let's get you set up.

- Okay. This may be a little cold.
- Mmm.

Okay.

Everything's looking good.

Heart's beating like a little hummingbird.

And the...

What happened?

Uh, no, no. She's fine.
It's just...

she's a he.

It's rare that we're wrong on that, but...

Yes! Amen!

- I can see his little pee-pee right there!

I still don't understand
what I'm doing here.

-You a part of my Beit Din.
-Excuse me?

I'm converting.

Mmm-hmm.

This here's Ginsberg.
She's been helping me out.

And that's Boyle.

I know her name don't sound Jewish,

but she Jewish on her mama's side,
and her great-uncle died in the Holocaust,

and she taught me
the Hebrew alphabet for granola bars.

So, I'm here to present my case.

I'm here to ask three times

and get told "No" and "No,"
and then "Yes,"

and then be a Jew.

I'm here to take the name Tova,
which means "good"...

because it's all good now.

I've been working for real, Rabbi.
Try me.

--For serious!

I'm ready to get my Jew on.

And it ain't just about the food,
although the more I been learnin',

the food a big part of it, am I right?

She's been really dedicated.

Why she wants to go from being
a hated minority

to a double-hated minority is beyond me,
but she's for real.

We've been studying, arguing.

Hey, uh, you wouldn't happen to be
related to Aimee Tatelbaum, would you?

She's my cousin.

Oh, my God!
We were at Penn together.

Wait, Alan? Cousin Alan?

I know some things about you.
Oh, Alan.

You'd better Beit Din this woman
before I start to talk.

-Well, Aimee's full of shit.
-Oh, is she?

Like the story about you and
the Berkshires with Samantha Gottleib

- and the mushrooms, that's bullshit? Yeah.
- That's not...

-Ask, Tova. Ask.
-Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Hey.

-Can I be a Jew?
-No.

Can I be a Jew?

No.

Can I be a Jew?

You really want this?

Sincerely?

Not because this one's trying to blackmail
me for something stupid when I was 19

or for broccoli with your dinner?

What is this for you?

Honestly...

I think I found my people.

I was raised in a church...

where I was told to believe and pray.

And if I was bad, I'd go to hell.

If I was good, I'd go to heaven.

And if I'd ask Jesus,
he'd forgive me, and that was that.

And here y'all saying ain't no hell...
ain't...

sure about heaven.

And if you do something wrong,
you got to figure it out yourself.

And as far as God's concerned,

it's your job to keep aksing questions
and to keep learning and to keep arguing.

It's like a verb.
It's like... you do God.

And that's a lot of work.

But I think I'm in,
at least as far as I can see it.

I mean, maybe I'll learn more...

and say, "Fuck the whole thing."

I mean, but I wanna learn more,
and I think I gotta be in it to do that.

You know, does that make sense?

Shit, did I just talk myself out of it?

Fuck.

Ask me again.

-Can I be a Jew?
-Yes.

No, I need three answers.

-Yes.
-Yes.

Yeah!

Look at me now!
I'm a bona fide jailhouse Jew!

Sort of. It's not really official
without the mikvah,

but that was wonderful.
Really, Tova. Congratulations.

Hold up. Mik-what?

Oh, it's like, um...

It's like a baptism,
but without all the touching.

You soak in a pool

and you clean off all that Christian filth
that you've been carrying around.

-We can fake that shit in the shower.
-No, that won't count.

The mikvah needs to be pure,
naturally occurring water,

and you need to be fully submerged,
and nude.

Yeah. Maybe it'll rain, okay?

There'll be a sinkhole or something,
and we'll make it official then.

In the meantime, you are Jew-ish.

Huh?

Most holy, righteous,
and everywhere-present God,

our Father who art in Heaven,
we ask thy blessing upon this food.

Bless the hearts and the hands
of those that provide the same,

and when it is ours to pass
from time to eternity...

Do you know what awaits sinners like you,

self-worshippers of the flesh?

Do you know what is your Promised Land?

Answer me, Cindy!
Do you know?

Deuteronomy, chapter 29, verse 23,
tells us about your Promised Land.

Your land is brimstone and salt,

a burning waste, unsown and unproductive,

and no grass grows on it,
like the overthrow of Sodom and Gomorrah.

So thou must not sin! Amen!

- Amen.
- Say "amen"!

Amen, amen, amen, amen.

Maxwell said you wanted to see me?

Yeah, Morello's getting married.
She asked that you be the witness.

Ah, I heard the happy news an hour ago.

Oh, she's a rash girl.

All heart and tits and no brain, hmm?

Well, thanks for letting me know.

I'll get started
on my maid of honor speech.

Can I ask you a question?

You and I... have a special relationship.

That's why I feel like
I can ask you this question.

Would you say that I'm bad at my job?

Well, the very fact
that we have a special relationship

and that you acknowledge it

should at least partially
answer your question, Healy.

But I'd be lying
if I said it hasn't helped me.

It has.

Having a contemporary in here
who isn't A, a woman,

and B, a thieving, lying, crazy,
murderous, drug-addled woman,

- has been a godsend.

Are you good at your job?

I don't know.

But I know that you've helped me,
and I'm grateful to you for it.

Can I go now that
I've watered your ego flower?

Yes.

Your prison mistress
gave you a prison tat.

You are turning into a trope.

-She's my business partner, with benefits.
-Ah.

She's getting out and wanted to
give me something to remember her by.

I was sad, so I let her.

White ink, huh?

That must be pretty intimidating
to some of these girls,

maybe under, like,
a black light or something.

-What does it say?
-It says "Trust no bitch."

And yes, as a matter of fact,
the girls are scared shitless.

Hmm.

I'm quite gangsta.

Oh, shit. What?

I have to give you honesty,
because that's how I need to live,

in truth.

What the fuck, Cal?

Neri is selling extra panties on the side.

What? No.

-Yeah.
-All wrong.

And where's she getting
people to wear them?

Well, um, actually, we invented
a miso-tuna-honey sauce

that tastes quite delicious
until you add the glue.

You're diluting the brand.
You have to get her to stop.

Neri's knock-off prison panties
aren't the problem.

In fact, her questionable criminal ethics
might actually offset the real problem.

My job is to handle shit in here.
Your job is to handle shit out there.

Okay, Pipes, while I'm really proud
of how evil prison has made you,

I think you're overestimating
your villain index.

You're still transitioning.

You know, you're not Walter White yet.
You're...

Walter White-ink.

What are you talking about?

Your money is gone.

Somebody transferred
all of your clam clams.

-When?
-This morning.

Fucking Flaca!

Was a time, Norma, you were good
at making people feel safe...

at peace and calm.

Then you let this cave troll
turn it into a cult.

Hey, we're toasting Norma here.
It's our new thing.

Brook Soso tried to kill herself.

She needed help,
and you pushed her away.

As far as I'm concerned,
that makes you an accessory.

-What the fuck?
-You better back up off

before I smash those shit-stained
Chiclets you call teeth down your throat!

Look at all of y'all.

The whole point of being here
was to escape our shitty reality.

What, and now you're worshipping
a piece of toast?

You know, you actually
had me believing in miracles.

But now I know miracles ain't real,
and you ain't shit.

Okay, it's fine. It's okay.

--It's okay.

Would you stop it? It's fine.

Norma Toast is safe.
We're good.

Back to it.

...and so then I woke up
in the laundry room.

It was so weird.

Maybe I was gonna wash my pants,
and I fell asleep.

I think I need to start
taking vitamins, or...

stop taking Ambien.
Something.

Ooh, there's... There's an underpass
down Broad Street.

It's a good spot.
Take a left up here.

I don't feel very good.

It's all right,
I'll make you feel better.

No, my, my head.
It's, like, it's banging right now.

It must be my lady time.

Ain't nothing sexy about that.

It doesn't bother me.
I kind of like it.

Right here.
Take this left, right here.

Hey, what are you doing?
I told you to make that left.

What's the matter with you?
You want...

You want me to get a little rough?

Is that it? A little roleplay?
You into that?

Something's really wrong, like,

like my Nancy Grace ears catnip.

- What?
- Yes, something's...

It's like my Nancy Grace
ears catnip bluegrass funeral.

Tiff, are you okay?
What's the matter with you?

Nancy Grace ears. I can't...

Shit!

Ahh!

What the fuck is that noise?

Is that real, or are you doing it
'cause you think it's a turn-on?

-Is that your fucking excuse?
-Oh, fuck.

-Fuck.
-The fuck.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Oh.

What, are you gonna start crying now?

My dick must have
finally realized who you are.

I did not think

one man could possibly have more
self-loathing than you already did.

You must be loving this.

Why are you here?
Why do you keep coming here?

"Coming" is the operative word,

which obviously
isn't happening tonight, so...

Natalie, wait. Wait a second.

"Natalie"? Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm here because you're a good lay,

and I relish the fact
that you hate me

but you can't resist me.

Don't worry.
I still loathe you, Fig.

Oh, good.

But you're, uh...

I'm not really close to anyone right now.

Do you have any idea
how pathetic you are, weirdo?

Yes, actually, I do.

I work for a sleazebag corporation,

and I am hate-fucking
a dead-eyed, anorexic crone...

who's the only person I can talk to.

I'm living my worst nightmare.

Then channel your inner Freddy Krueger

and grab life by the balls
with your big, bladed fingers.

Pearson quit over this Burset thing.

-I should too, but--
-Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

- Pearson quit?

You have the chance for a promotion,
and you're going limp?

Even if I wanted his job,
and I don't, it's a lateral move.

A lateral move with more pay?

Yes. It's a promotion.

But I'm not gonna capitalize on Burset.
I'm gonna fight for her.

Why?

Because I wear protection,
so I haven't caught

whatever form of syphilis you have
that caused your soul to rot.

No, really. Why?

You keep on martyring yourself
for these people, and why?

Has anyone ever thanked you
for saving the prison?

Just the people
who are now profiting from it.

Well, maybe those are the people
you should be sticking your neck out for.

Do what you have to do,

or you're the one
who gets fucked in the ass.

Speaking of which...

You're so disgusting.

Hey.

I heard about your mother.

Yeah. Thanks.

You two good?

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what?

Let's say our prayers
and go on with our days.

That sounds good to you, little girl?

-I ain't your little girl.
-Oh, I know that.

You don't need nobody.
I got it.

Certainly don't need people
who don't got my back.

Well, maybe people
would have your back

if they knew you weren't
gonna turn it on them.

Hey, Gonzales.
You took my money?

- What?
- You wanna fuck with me?

You need to step back right now,

or you gonna lay back, bitch.

I don't care what she did,
what you think she did.

You don't get to come here and push,

or you're gonna get pushed.

She saw me this morning
in the library, conducting business.

All I saw you was reading
that stupid butter-bones book,

and I told you it was bad science.
What are you talking about?

You made up a story
about your sick mom

so that I would let you back in.

Her mother is sick, idiot.

And why you think
she's in here on her knees?

Huh, what's the matter with you?

Well, good.

I mean, not good that she's sick,

but good that you weren't lying,

and I hope that she feels better,

and I hope that you both know
not to mess with me.

Angie ate Toast Norma.

She thought it would give her powers
or some stupid shit,

and I didn't stop her because
the people believed the stupid, black dyke

who listened to that stupid, yellow chink.

I mean "yellow" both racially
and as a chicken-shit.

Only chicken-shits try to kill themselves.

I know you're upset
about the toast.

It was a bad idea.

Norma, I still believe in you.

Don't do this to me, please.

You need me.

I need you.

We made miracles.

No.

--It's just a scratch.

- They'll probably just buff that out.
- It's not a scratch, man.

Huh. You okay?
What'd the doc say?

I told him all about the word soup
and white eyeballs.

-And?
-And, you know,

even though it's probably
just a one-time, freak thing...

I ain't fit to be the van girl no more.

Who knew cousin Sandy's epilepsy

would one day save
your hillbilly prison soul?

You're a really good teacher.

Yeah, and you, apparently,
are a fine actress.

All he gets is a bandage over his eye.

Yeah, but he bled a lot.

Not out of his butt.

Still, I consider that a win.

Yeah.

We need you over here.

Hi, it's Maritza.

Aw, shit.

Ah, shit.

Miss Black?

Your heart was in a dangerous arrhythmia.

We were able to shock it
back to sinus rhythm.

You're gonna be fine.

There's no God.

There's nothing.

How's the tat feeling?

It's burning.

Searing, even.

It looks okay.
Doesn't look infected or anything.

It must be the irony, then.

"Trust no bitch."

I don't get it.

You and Alex are the only people
who know where that phone is...

and maybe Flaca,

but I really don't think so.

And neither one of them
are getting out in two days.

You fucked me, Stella.

I'm panicking, Piper.

Oh, so you decide to steal from me?

I have no family, no friends and $20.

That doesn't even get me
one night in a motel.

It'll pay for an hour,

which is plenty of time to use your hot
tits and your pretty, little lying face

to lure in a sucker and rob him blind.

What's going on
with The L Word over there?

Thunder from Down Under
been necking with somebody else?

Nah, Chapman's been accusing
people of stealing her money.

Oh, that bitch guilty.

-How do you know?
-She desperate.

I hit her up to see what she was
gonna leave me in her prison will,

-and she taking everything.
-Ooh.

She even taking the Maxi Pads.

Man, Chapman came at me
ready to bash my skull in,

but she gonna let her off the hook?

It pays to hump the boss.

She let you come back and let
the kangaroo rob her blind?

Girls, this is good news.

She'll gum you,
but the boss got no teeth.

I'm gonna ask for more money.

She gonna donate to the Foster's,
she can donate to Colt 45.

Or should I be saying
"Manischewitz" now?

You could have asked me
instead of burgling me.

I'm asking you now...
to understand.

Of course I understand.

Your situation is going to be my situation
in the next six to 12 months,

which is why I started
Felonious Spunk in the first place.

To take money from perverts,

not from people
that I pretend to care about.

I do care! Don't you?

I'm going to make this up to you.
I promise.

And as groom and bride
prepared for this ceremony,

they reflected on what it is
that brought them here today,

ready to commit their lives
to one another.

You have your vows, yes?

Groom goes first.

"Lorna,

- I cannot believe we are doing this.

In fact, I think we might be crazy.

But we are crazy together.

We fit, and we match

and I think you are beautiful...

and you make me feel tall.

--And I love your heart."

You're good, Lorna.

"I cannot wait to spend every day
that I am allowed to with you,

and then when you are out,
just every day."

Vince...

I'm just so happy and honored

to be Lorna Muccio.

And for that,
I thank you very much-io.

I'm not a great writer like you, so...

I have a poem to read.

"In my life,
there's been heartache and pain.

I don't know if I can face it again.

Can't stop now,

I've traveled so far

to change this lonely life.

I want to know what love is.

I want you to show me.

I want to feel what love is.

I know you can show me."

Foreigner, my favorite band.

I knew it!

-Beautiful.
-Yeah.

And now the rings.

Vince,

place your ring on Lorna's finger
and repeat after me.

Oh.

"Through this ring, I, Vincent Muccio,

accept you, Lorna Morello,
as my wife, now and for all time."

Through this ring,

I, Vincent Muccio,

accept you, Lorna Morello,
as my wife,

now and for all time.

And now, Lorna,
place your ring on Vincent's finger.

This is so beautiful.
This is why I don't wanna elope.

I can't cry like this
in front of my mother.

Oh, shit, I missed
her putting on the ring.

Get the kiss, you big galoot.

Through this ring,

I, Lorna Morello,

accept you, Vincent Muccio,

as my husband, now and forever.

Now, normally, at this point,

I would have you both
light the unity candle,

but prison restrictions
on open flames won't allow it.

Plus, our bride is wearing paper.

So instead, I will urge you

to gaze into each other's eyes

and light the fire within.

As you do...

by the power vested in me
by the state of New York,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride!

Oh, my goodness!

Ah, they make a beautiful couple,
absolutely beautiful.

Okay, you two can spend
an hour in here together.

Bell will stay with you.

Uh, here?

You don't have a trailer or somethin'
a little more private, alone?

There's no conjugal visits in Federal.

I'm sorry.

-Yes! Husband, yes!
-Yeah!

- Fuck yeah, wife!

Consummate this marriage!

Consummating the shit
out of you, babe!

--Yeah, yeah.

Young love...

they have no idea what they're in for.

It doesn't always end badly.

Oh, said the man whose wife
sleeps in her mother's bed

to the prisoner whose brand-new divorce
certificate is her most prized possession.

You gotta believe in something.
Why not love?

Because "happily ever after"
was invented for the storybooks,

so kids reach breeding age
without killing themselves.

So, love is the lie we tell ourselves
so we don't go extinct?

That's pretty bleak, Red,
even for you.

Oh, and you caught me
on a glass-half-full day.

So, you don't think

there's someone out there
you're meant to be with?

Of course I do.

Everybody has a soul mate.

But they're usually on the other side
of the bars, or the wall,

or the planet from you.

That's the way the universe works.

You're not gonna be in prison forever.

You got a future to think about.

Our ships passed too late in the night

for one of them to change course, Sam.

Father!

Father!

Father!

God, please help my mother.

Father?

My mom is sick again.

Jesus?

Ahh!

Help me, please!
Somebody, please! He smells!

Oh, gross! Get the fuck off of me!

I've rewritten this at least ten times.

I don't know what to say.

I feel like you're saving my life.

I came to say goodbye.

Well, I still have a few more days.

Clear the bunk.

Not you.

We have reports of contraband.

I haven't got anything.
I'm getting out in two days.

Well, hopefully
you've given everything away, then.

Well...

-Found a lighter.
-That's not mine.

Marijuana cigarettes?

Wait, wait...

Cigarette cigarettes.

This isn't even my stuff.

It can't be!

Ugh!

Where'd you get
illegal chicken from, inmate?

What?

Bayley,
check out this candy shiv.

How cool is that?

I mean...

this is a deadly weapon.

You are so going to Max, inmate.

Sorry about your dildo, Boo.

Cost of doing business.
I'll make it up to you.

Damn, Chapman.
That is some stone-cold shit.

I don't fuck around.
Let the people know.

I'm hoping this voluntary
organizing meeting is, uh, code for

"our union petition has been accepted."

Maybe he just wants us to pull together
our official list of demands.

I think the prison should issue us
socks and underwear,

not just outerwear.

I want them to pay my college loans.

You went to college,
and you're working here?

Associate's degree, Justice Admin, DeVry.

Here he is, the white Cesar Chavez.

Today, as you know, is a very big day.
So, let's make this quick.

We hear Pearson's out.
Are you next? Are they union-busting?

Or did our petition go through
and he got canned for not stopping it?

Pearson quit.

There's a new Director of Human Activity.

It's you, isn't it?

Everyone has the right to unionize.

Shit. Motherfucking shit.

But I have access to budgets now.

And all that noise about
the whole shebang coming crashing down

if MCC starts covering benefits,

it is 100% true.

They must have given you
a pretty good pay raise.

Yeah, like 30 pieces of silver.

I have done nothing...

but save your asses
since this prison was scheduled to close.

You're goddamn right.

It was a pretty good pay raise.

And any one of you ungrateful,
selfish sons of bitches

would have thrown me under the bus
and run me over to get the same.

Well, guess what?
It's my turn.

It's the year of Caputo.

You know,
we had a union captain once

who told us that the corporation
would call an optional meeting

and then try to scare us
out of unionizing.

I remember that.

He said, "When they did that,
we should say,"

and I am paraphrasing...

"Fuck you!"

That's right, because he said,

"The company needs you
more than you need them."

Now I've seen things from the inside,

and I stand corrected.

You're all replaceable.

Not today, we're not.

I'd say today of all days,

the company still needs us
pretty damn bad.

Yeah, I'm gonna go
with my old captain on this one.

Fuck you.

It ain't right, Mr. Caputo.

It ain't right.

Good luck letting the monkeys run the zoo.

All right, all tools are present
and accounted for.

All good.
Thanks, ladies.

Oh, wait, wait. Hold up.
Someone needs to sweep.

- Not me.
- No way.

Fine. I'll do it.
But you guys owe me.

Okay.

Thank you, Vause.
I'm gonna walk them over.

Yeah, yeah, I'll just be here,
sweeping like Cinderella.

Well, that was quick.

Aydin.

How--

This place would hire
Forrest fucking Gump.

The guy who interviewed me
was so relieved

to find someone
who's actually qualified.

You don't have to do this.

Yeah, I do.

Hey, uh, there's no inmates in the dorms
while the bunks are being installed.

She needs to sit down.

I'm sorry. Rules is rules.

- This one.

At least
we're getting new beds.

I'm a little good at a lot of things

and I'm helping New Yorkers

- one thing at a time.

-Who are you?
-Is Cesar home?

Cesar? Some white guy!

Okay, it's okay.

Yo, what's up, man?
Who are you?

Uh, Cesar Velazquez?

- Fuck.

Get back in the room!
Go back in the room!

What do you mean
get back in the room?

Cesar, we have a warrant!

DEA!

Come on!

- Please don't take my baby!
- Move in!

Hands up! Don't move!

Get back in the room!
Get back in your...

- Cesar! Cesar! No!
- It's okay.

Yo, get your filthy
fucking hands off my baby!

You two, with me! Let's go!

He's over there!

Get your hands off my daughter,
you stupid motherfucker!

Get him down on the ground!

Get your hands
off my fucking daughter!

-Motherfucker!
-Daddy!

Get your hands off my daughter,
motherfucker!

Come here, come here!

Let go of my daughter!
I swear, the...

Jesus, looks like
heroin Romper Room in here.

- Let's go, let's go!
- Get Child Services down here, now.

And, Donna, get the baby out.

What are you doin'? No, no.

Let go of my baby.
Let go of my baby, you mother...

Get off...

Daddy!

Christina!
Take care of Daya's baby!

Let go of me.

Get off my girl!

Get off my girl, motherfucker!

Cliché, my ass.

It's... It's fucking awesome.

Hello?

Hello?

Judy King is here.

Anyone?

We're here to self-surrender!

Anyone?

Well, fuck a duck.

Already this place is a goddamn joke.

I told you we should've
stuck with Alderson,

but no, no, you gotta drag my ass
all the way to upstate Jew York.

I should kick your balls
into your sternum.

Well, did we or did we not call ahead?

I mean, this is just...

rude.

Oh, God.

Hey, where's Norma Christ going?

-Holy...
-Shit!

-Where the guards at?
-I feel like this is one of those things,

like when all the dogs
and the horses disappear

before there's an earthquake
or a tidal wave or something.

-I'm going.
-You crazy.

They're the ones who took the fence down.
Maybe they're expanding the yard.

Are we supposed to know any better?

She got a good point.

--The fuck?

Oh, shit.

What's even over there?

A bunch of bitches going to Seg.

Nah, nah! It's the lake!
It's not escapable or nothin'.

It's a miracle.

-Come on, yo!
-Oh, man, you too?

-What?
-Even if we don't get busted,

you ain't worried about eels or some shit?

There ain't no eels
in the freedom lake, man.

Stop being such a stereotype.

One of them black bitches
gonna get they shit drowned,

and I ain't gonna be responsible.

Look.

Let's just be free for a second.

It's gonna be the last time
in a long time.

Jesus!

Nope.

Hey, y'all seen Ginsberg?

But now's my chance
for some new-Jew juju!

-I don't follow you.
-That lake's my mikvah!

Isn't that her crashing
through the underbrush?

Oh, Ginsberg! Ginsberg!

--You know...

I think I could stand
a little sand between my toes, too.

Let's do it.

No, no, no, no, no, no!
Hey! Hey! No, no. Okay.

Uh, stop! Hey, hey!

- Hey! Stop it!
- Boo!

Come on. Why now? Why now?
Somebody, please!

Hallelujah!

Yo...

Crazy?

-Do you see her?
-Yo!

Wow.

- You're going down.

Go! Go! Charge her!

No!
You can't stop the Boo-satucky!

- No! No!

Oh!

No, oh.

Whoo!

Taystee, come on in!
The water's fine!

-Come on in, girl!
-Okay! Okay! I'm in!

Whoo!

- Mazel tov.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh!