All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black - 3x04 - Finger In The Dyke.WebRip.x264-Abjex.en

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
- www.addic7ed.com -

No! Vee! Vee!

No, Vee.

Vee, Vee! Vee.

Vee! Vee!

Vee! Vee! Vee!

Shut the fuck up!

Yeah, I've been trying to
get some sleep around here!

- What in the hell is wrong with you?
- Trying to sleep.

I'm so tired of this shit.

Vee's in trouble. I gotta tell
her about the dragon that's coming.

It was a dream, crazy
pants. You were dreaming.

- What?
- Sit your ass down.

- Just a dream?
- Yes!

Like yesterday and the day before that!

Shit!

Damn it!

Sorry.

Rise and shine, ladies.

Another crappy day in prison.

Shut up!

It smells like her.

You wouldn't understand
it, you're not a parent.

But the top of your head, right
here... it always smells like you.

From the time you're an infant,
until you're a fucked-up adult.

Luschek is the fuck up.

Bullshit. Luschek wasn't lying.

That baggie was hers. She told me herself.

A junkie and a hoarder.

He is still the reason
that she is down there.

He did not need to name her.

Being angry at him is a waste of time.

Seems more productive than
sniffing an old hairbrush.

Hey, Pennsa-fucky.

Hey, you know that
Pennsatucky's a nickname.

Mmm-hmm.

So, you don't gotta change it. It's
already a name that's not my name.

Yes, but there's always room to riff.

Can I borrow some toothpaste?
My commissary's low.

No, I don't got none.

Big Boobs.

Nice one.

How do you not have any toothpaste?

'Cause I don't need any toothpaste.
These babies are porcelain.

You know, I sure as hell ain't a dentist,
but I don't think that's how it works.

Why? 'Cause you think the Queen
of England's just sittin' around,

ordering her butler or whatever to
clean the fancy china with Colgate?

No, of course not.

Because plates don't get cavities
and neither do these bad boys.

Man... your parents didn't really
even do the bare minimum with you.

Oh.

I see your evangeli-crazy fan
club is still going full swing.

"Blood will be shed...

for the murdered babies.

We shall stand together and
rejoice as the transgressors'...

skin crackles in the fires of hell."

Jesus fucking Christ, that is terrifying.

When you hear it out
loud, I see your point.

"Reverend Lawlor circulated
your prison ID number.

We hope that you've received
our donation, and that you'll... "

Hold up.

Hmm?

These pulsing forehead
veins... they give you money?

Yeah, they do in my commissary.

Oh, my God!

Hmm?

That is fucking genius.

I don't know.

I've been having some feelings about it.

Did you know I didn't shoot that nurse lady

for any type of holy righteous
thing like they all think?

I, uh...

I got really mad and she hurt
my... She hurt my feelings.

And sometimes...

I get this... I get this really bad temper.

Phew.

You still like me or...

Oh, Doggett... don't you know
what this means?

Yeah. I'm going to hell.

No, no.

It means you're the normal one.

I mean, come on... some bitch
insulted you, so you shot her?

Now, to me, that makes a
hell of a lot more sense

than shooting a complete stranger

that you've demonized for your own agenda.

I mean, being too
militant about anything...

never ends well.

Those people, they're the nutbags.

- Yep.
- Yeah?

- Yep.
- Yeah.

I get it.

Yeah!

I need to stop taking nuts
from nutbags. All right.

It's time to right my
wrongs.

No, no, no, no.

That's... not what I said.

I don't care what you want.
I'm not fucking wearing it!

Why do you have to be
such a bitch all the time?

Because you're such a good role model.

Do you want the kids to make fun of you?

There's good attention and
there's bad attention, Carrie.

I do not understand why you have to

always make things so
difficult for yourself!

- I swear to God!
- What the hell's going on?

You know, I give up. I give up!

Well, that's... nice.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Enough with the "fuckings."
We get that you're a teenager.

- I look like a thumb in a dress.
- You know how happy it'll make her.

You're aware of how stupid that is, right?

That I have to go out and pretend to
be something I'm not to make her happy?

One day we're asking from you.

I can't go to school like this. I won't.

Well, you don't have a
choice. Here's how it works.

You go, you sit, you smile,
they flash the little bulb.

Mom has a picture of you to show Grandma
that won't make her have another stroke...

and you keep wearing clothes from
the boys' section at JC Penney's

on every other day of the year.

- Everyone's happy.
- Yeah, except me.

Boy, it must be exhausting.
All those raging hormones.

Look, I'll buy you a root beer.
I'll put a bendy straw in it.

Do this for your father who
has to live with your mother.

Please.

Fine. But you're both assholes.

There's my sweet little buttercup!

Library later?

I have a headache.

What are you? A '50s housewife?
We haven't had sex in a week.

Lesbian bed death. It's
a thing. Look it up.

Yeah, I'm familiar with
it, and it's bullshit.

Hmm.

Come on, maybe we
can't... hate-fuck anymore,

but we can still love-fuck, right?

- Love-fuck?
- Yeah.

Oh, that's so unappealing,
my nipples inverted.

Come on.

It's the only thing that
feels normal to me right now.

Which should tell you how messed up I am.

Let me feel your normals.

Alex, can we drop this?

God, you're acting so pissy.
It's making me kind of hot.

Not today, okay? Stop.

Is this about Nicky?

I miss her, too.

But she, of all people,

would want us getting off in her honor.

You're the worst.

Oh, shit.

It's June 7th.

- Oh, my God.
- Can you not tell anyone, please?

Because you know
how I feel about June 7ths.

Okay.

Your wish is my command, princess.
Oh, that'd be a fun role-play.

Genie and Aladdin.

"Free me from this lamp, street urchin!"

No? All right, we'll work up to it.

Good, good, good, good.

Hope you're enjoying the provisions, folks.

We're gonna need you to put your
best caffeinated foot forward today.

- Where's the cream?
- No cream.

2%, you want that?

Fig always bought cream.

Let's go. Sit down.

How long is this gonna take?

Remember a week ago, when you were
all crying about losing your jobs?

Remember how horrible
that was gonna be? Hmm?

Well, good old Joe here might have
found a solution to the problem.

Now it's your turn to help yourselves.

Yes?

Did you just refer to
yourself in the third person?

I don't trust these people.

Who buys property without
any comps in the neighborhood?

Can't be a good investment.

They're not buying it... all right?
Litchfield will remain a federal property.

MCC would manage it and retain any profits.

Look, guys, it's a long shot.

They're considering several
facilities at the moment...

but I convinced them... that we
were worth being on that list.

So, you lied to them.

I merely let them know
that we're a good bet.

Sounds like lying.

There are many misconceptions...

about the costs and difficulty
associated with female prisons,

which I will clear up for
them on the tour today.

These poochies be
difficult. For real, though.

Look, help me out.

Don't be stupid.

I've already prepped a few inmates.

If you see something
these people shouldn't see,

solve the problem quickly and quietly.

Managing this place for the Feds?
I don't like the smell of that.

How does unemployment smell? Good?

Smells good to you?

Yo, you kept me up all night... and
now I gotta eat with your ass, too?

Man, don't say "eat" and
"ass" so close together

while I'm trying to eat breakfast.

Somebody woke up on the
wrong side of the bed.

Technically, there's
only one side of the bed

because the other side is
up against the partition,

which wouldn't allow...

- Will you shut the hell up?
- Shit, it's too early for this.

You know what? Somebody wanna explain to me

why she's sitting with us, anyway?

I mean, since when did we start
chilling with bitch-ass followers

who beat the shit out of people just
'cause some crazy lunatic says to?

Sound like some vengeful Simon
Says bullshit, if you ask me.

I was just clarifying the bed issue.

Clarity is important.

"You should be meticulous with your words."

That's what Vee would say.

Except she don't say shit now...

'cause everybody be saying,
"That bitch got smushed

like a bug on a windshield."

- Here we go.
- No. No.

You're a liar. She's fine! Vee is fine!

She's coming back for me!

Hey, hey, hey. Take care of your girl.

I ain't her keeper.

It's you or the SHU.

- You wanna be responsible for that?
- Really?

Suzanne, sit down.

P...

switch seats and don't talk to her!

You wanna carry that grudge, be my guest,

but I don't see how them scrawny
chicken legs can stand the extra weight.

My legs ain't scrawny...
they're proportional.

Hey, hey.

- Nicky will be okay.
- How do you know?

I don't. I just... It's
a thing people say, right?

I'll get your tray.

Yo, careful, you're gonna splatter.

That mother... fucker.

- Bennett fucked Aleida?
- No, you idiot.

Oh, like that's such a crazy question.

These eggs smell like ass.

Gloria must have used that fart seasoning.

Yo, you're fucking children,
yo. I can't deal with it today.

"If a man also lie with
mankind, as he lieth... "

Really, "lieth"?

You can't say that word without a lisp.

Who are these people kidding?
God was the original fag.

Look... I happen to think this church
of hers isn't deserving of the title,

and we have a deal... but don't push me.

You're right, Sister.
My bad.

"As he lieth with woman, they are
both committing an abomination,

they shall surely be put to death,
their blood will be upon them." Boom.

- And?
- Leviticus, 24601.

23:13, 20.

- Not Jean Val-jean’s prison number.
- Good catch.

- Thou shalt not make musical references.
- Why not?

Because that's, like, the gayest thing
on the planet and even I know that.

That is an ugly
stereotype... about gay men.

See, everybody knows my people
are stage managers, not performers.

Oh, remember to talk
about the light... a lot.

Walking into the light.
Following the light.

That's good. Yep. Remember that, Boo.

Are you
sure you're prepared for this?

Eastberg Baptist is all hate, all the time.

Jesus' girlfriend's got a real good point.

'Cause licking gravy boats has
kind of been your whole thing.

And Reverend Lawlor, he's
got a lot of opinions.

Okay, look. Nobody is talking about

conceding my hard-earned
position as Lord of the Lesbians.

I'm just... embracing the
gray areas to make a buck.

Black and white, that's for
zebras and Michael Jackson.

- Wait, ain't he dead?
- Exactly.

Here you go, Sister.

- In lieu of a mattress.
- Oh. Pleasure doing business with you.

And finally,

what led you to see how far you strayed
from the Christian life, Miss Black?

Oh.

Well... I hadn't
found the right man, of course.

But then... this chubby Santa
Claus-looking guard showed up,

and boom!

One look at his meaty ass

and I was sticky in the knickers
for monogamous hetero love.

- - Whoo!

Hey, girl.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

How's it look?

Oh, clear skies with 100%
chance of pussy after midnight.

- I'm talking about the Browns game.
- Oh! Five point spread. Steelers.

Fuckers! All right.

I'll take... our boys...

- Yeah.
- ATS.

Good luck.

Ha!

Hey, Marcus.

Tell your boy over there
he owes me 200 by Monday.

Cut him some slack.

That is not the business
that I'm in, my brother.

Oh, I know this one.

- Well, hello there.
- Hi.

Rum and Coke, right?

I'm very intuitive.

- It's my favorite.
- Yeah?

Tastes like vacation in a cup.

That was the stupidest
thing I've ever said.

- Uh, my name's Carrie.
- Tracy.

Tracy? Well... it is nice to meet you.

I'm having such a good time with you.

No, it's... It's okay, isn't it?

Oh, oh.

Look where you are.

I live really close to here.

Do you wanna go there
and... have another drink?

- Yeah, let's do that.
- Let's do that.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Fucking dykes.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You think you're a tough
guy, you cocktail wiener?

Answer me, you fuckwad!

I should fucking kill
you, you fucking asshole!

I'll stuff your little
cock down your throat!

Get out of here!

Get the fuck out of here!

That's right. Run, you
homophobic little bitch!

Um...

I'm going home.

What? Don't let that
little shit ruin our night.

You ruined our night.

Seriously?

You can't blame a stupid kid

when you're the poster
child for all things butch!

You were so hot before you were a cunt.

What the fuck happened to
you to make you so angry?

Oh, I wish I had some sob story
that would explain everything.

Well, sorry to disappoint you, sugar.
Ain't no dramatic origin story here.

Just a big old dyke who
refuses to apologize for it.

You know, c'est moi... you prissy,
homophobic, self-hating bitch.

It was really great meeting you.

Fuck.

Thank you so much for coming. Joe Caputo.

Hi, Joe. We spoke on the phone.
Elizabeth Wilkinson, SVP of Acquisitions.

Yes, hi.

- Jack. SVP of Strategic Planning.
- Jack.

- Robert. SVP of Development.
- Robert.

Well, thank you so much
for hearing us out today.

I think you will find that Litchfield
will make a great addition to your company.

Not according to our cost analysis.

Hey there.

- Joe Caputo.
- Oh.

Hey. Danny Pearson. Good to meet you.

Hey, I remember those days.
Don't let them get you down.

Oh, yeah. This is...

- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Sure thing.

Am I dressed appropriately?

I'm new and the e-mail said no khaki,

and then I wasn't sure
whether to go dressy or casual.

And the more I thought about
it, slacks just seemed...

I don't know. You ever worry about

throwing your freedom
of choice in their faces

like you're showing off to the... women?

We prefer to call them "inmates."

- And you look just fine, Danny.
- Oh, great. Thanks.

Let's get started, huh?

I mean, you would have died.
Second row. Can you even...

I could basically smell
Trey Anastasio's BO.

Oh, and Brittani with an "I," not a "Y... "

she totally smuggled in, like, an
eighth of that strawberry Kush hybrid

that Feinberg's been growing.

It was such a killer night.

Anyway, I miss you.

That's so fun, Meadow.

Are you okay?

Mmm...

No.

Everyone's been talking about you.

You know, how badass it is
that you're actually here.

How the rest of us, we wouldn't
be able to survive in prison.

But look at you. You're
doing it. It is so cool.

Oh.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Your vibe's different.
Are you sure you're okay?

If this is about the Pema Chödrön
fight we had right before you left,

- it's really not a big deal...
- Prison is not cool.

Being here is not cool.

It's not brave or admirable or courageous.

It's stupid.

I feel stupid for being in here...

and stupid for thinking
that it wouldn't ruin my life

and that it would be okay.

And I'm not surviving.

I'm just... existing.

You know, I drove, like,
three hours to get here, right?

Well... you don't have to ever again.

_

Benito Mendoza... look at me. Right now.

_

Talking about him like he's
not at the table won't help.

You want to raise your
own kids? Go right ahead.

I'm sorry.

You know how thankful I am for you.

Gloria.

He's impossible.

And he's so strong now.

The bigger he gets, the
more out of control I feel.

He kicks, he yells.

Last week, he slammed the door so hard,

the plaster split from one
side of the door to the other.

Oh,
you think that's funny?

You listen to me.

You think you hot shit?

You think because I messed up,

you're gonna follow in
your mother's footsteps?

Well, let me tell you
something, you're dead wrong.

From now on, you're gonna come here.

Every week, you're gonna
bring your homework.

And if you don't, I will make
your life a living hell...

even from in here.

Try me.

I'll call my brothers
from Washington Heights...

and they will hang your
ass over that bridge...

until you piss on yourself and it comes
running down your body into your mouth.

That's the kind of shit they live for.

Every week, Benito.

You hear me, little boy? Every week.

_

_

Here... let me get that.

- Here.
- Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Well, you didn't have to say all those
nice things about me to Katya, either.

Your Russian really must be terrible.

- You called me a good man.
- I only said what I believed.

Are you all right?

Your eyes look glassy.

I feel like I lost a child.

I'm sorry, Galina.

I thought I could save her.

If someone jumps into
shark-infested waters...

you can't jump in after them.

Cafeteria.

I know. I told
them that she's doing fine,

that she's sitting under... She's
sitting under a tree somewhere,

eating a Pink Lady apple. Oh! Oh.

'Cause Vee loves Pink Lady apples.

And she's thinking about me...
just like I'm thinking about her.

It's gonna work out.

How much are you spending on meals?

$1.79 per inmate per meal. $5.37 a day.

We find that women eat less than men,
so we're able to keep our food costs low.

The national average is $1.58.

We've heard some discouraging things
about housing a female population.

Do you find it's more difficult
because of their health requirements?

You know, the great thing is,
the ladies here are all synced up.

So... it's a real rough couple of days,

but at least it's not spread out, you know?

I grew up with three sisters
and a mother in the house,

so, we had to batten down the hatches.

Lucky I made it out of there alive.

Let's move on to the kitchen.

Inmate Mendoza, glad you can
join us. What's on the menu today?

Food.

It's a Cuban garbanzo
bean stew-type thingy.

We got a whole case of
it last week, and Gloria,

she figured out a way how to stretch them
after we picked out all the rotten ones.

We find that our inmates
are one of our best assets.

They are very resourceful,

and we rely on them to
help us get through the day.

Yeah, like this one time,
everyone got the shits real bad

from eating old pork or whatever,

so we served white bread
for the next couple of days.

It was real good for the tummy.
It sopped up all the badness.

Hey, Joe, are you guys on the
codified national meal schedule?

You know, I'm... I'm not sure about...

- I'm gonna look into that, Danny.
- Great, take your time.

Yeah, let's keep moving,
huh? Right this way.

When are you two gonna
learn how to shut up?

You're like Lucy and
Ethel without the charm.

- We was just trying to help.
- You wanna help?

Start by shutting up and
doing what I ask you to do.

Stop gabbing while you're serving.

Stop thinking that anyone needs
you to do more than your job.

Jeez.

- You got your period?
- Yes.

Me, too.

Oh. It all makes sense now.

If you follow the power cord,

- it'll lead you...
- I know.

I'm just saying, it'll
lead you to the fuse.

I don't need your help...

you disgusting little vole.

Don't you talk to me. Don't you look at me.

And go ahead... give me a
shot for being insubordinate.

I don't give a fuck.

Am I at least allowed
to ask what a vole is?

Right this way.

Chapman, how are we doing today?

We are doing so great, Mr. Caputo.

Would you mind explaining

what it is you're doing
today, for our guests?

Absolutely.

The microwave... it
stopped working yesterday,

so I'm trying to fix it.

By assigning our inmates work duty,

we avoid the exorbitant cost
of hiring outside contractors.

Everybody contributes to the community.

Well, not everyone.

Some people try to... destroy it.

What seems to be the problem there?

The... thermal fuse blew.

And you can fix that by yourself, honey?

Well, I sure can...

if I concentrate extra
hard with my lady brain.

Thank you, Chapman.

Right this way.

We're gonna make you look
real natural. Don't worry.

Mmm.

Go ahead and call me Jesus from now on,
'cause this bitch just worked a miracle.

It really is something.

Yeah, it's definitely something.

Man, I cannot wait to
fleece this motherfucker.

I'm actually, like, all tingly and shit.

Okay. All finished.

- Show me my big, beautiful self!
- Okay, almost there.

- Just hold on, all right?
- All right.

- There... we... go.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, I love this part!

This is like that TV show

where they gave those ladies
the plastic surgery makeover

and then all their problems
just went away after.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, my God!
I'm sorry, I can't help it.

I just love makeovers
and you look so pretty.

Boo, you look fucking weird.

What? She does.

No, um...

I look like my mother.

Carrie! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Fuck, I love you.

Says the girl who just came.

I don't see why that's not a
perfectly valid reason to love someone.

Well...

And do you know why I love you?

- Because I have great tits?
- Exactly.

Jesus, don't get me going again, girl.

Can I ask you something?

Not if it's about my mother.

Carrie, come on.

Talk to me.

Remember when we were
fucking? Gee, that was fun.

Your mom is sick and you're not
gonna go see her? That's not normal.

You're right, I'm not normal. I'm queer.

Wait, did you
not know we were lesbos?

My bad, I should have told you.

You must have been very confused.

Look, I don't get why
you're holding on to this.

Look at you, you're living
your life, you have me.

You don't have to keep fighting the world.

I mean, isn't forgiving
her easier than not?

Oh, Christ. I don't fucking know.

Look, I'm worried if you don't go
see her, you're gonna regret it.

Those little baskets of seashells
everywhere really freak me out.

- It's weird living back home.
- Right.

They said it was going to be
two weeks, and yet it's been six.

The sustainable wood for the
micro-house is on backorder.

Isn't that amazing?

Who would have thought that wood
could be on backorder?

Are they waiting for the
trees to grow?

Are you waiting for the oceans
to rise and reclaim their bounty?

Oh.

Isn't this fun?

What's with your new look?

Did you join a World
War II reenactment group?

Well, that's dark.

Cal's gotten into the
postmodern ice-cream movement.

Been doing some really interesting
experiments with nitrogen.

I'm working on a BLT flavor at this moment.

And, when we get enough money,

we're gonna open an
old-fashioned ice cream parlor

but with future-now flavors
for an experiential mash-up.

So I decided to, you know,

- perfect my look,
now. - Mmm-hmm.

I'm bidding online for a
wearable bass drum as we speak.

It's all happening.

Enough about us.

How's your birthday, darling?

Did you get any presents
from your prison friends?

I haven't told anyone it's my
birthday, so, nope, no presents.

Are you not gonna say anything?

I don't have anything to say.

Then why did you come?

Because it's your birthday, Piper.

Have I ever missed your birthday?

I'm sorry, I can't just sit
here and make small talk.

You don't have to, I'm not size-ist.
You can talk big, you could talk medium?

You're 32.

You're getting further
and further behind in life.

I'm frustrated that we
can't seem to help you.

Maybe this is exactly where
I am supposed to be right now.

Maybe this... right now, is
making me a better person.

I'm learning... more Spanish...

and I can fix things.

I'm a part of a community...
and I have a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend that I love.

So, there.

Saw that coming.

So, does that mean you're officially...

It means that I officially...
have a girlfriend.

Dear God.

You know, I find myself
saying that phrase, too, a lot.

But with a different inflection and...

breathier.

Dear... God!

Whoa!

Happy birthday!

Hi, there.

Need something?

Well, I'm sorry to bother you. I
just... I wanted you to have these.

I thought they might brighten your day.

Rose seeds?

Oh, is that what they are? I
don't have a green thumb, so...

It says "rose" right there on the package.

I was in a hurry after lunch, so...

They'll be a lovely addition to the garden.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

How you gonna love a song that just,
like, lists the days of the week?

Like it's Sesame Street or some shit?

That's only one teeny part.

The rest is all, "Tonight's
gonna be a good night."

It makes me feel optimistic about
the evening we gonna have and shit.

You know we in prison though, right?

Whatever, man, they all sellouts anyway.

Man...

Hello? One second, please.

Poussey Washington, it's the
Black Eyed Peas calling for you.

They wanna give you all the moneys.

All you got to do is sing the
days of the week and be famous.

- All the moneys?
- All the moneys!

Um...

- No.
- Ooh.

Man, you're bullshitting!
You're bullshitting.

If that's the case, I
could be a famous rapper.

You know what I'm saying, like...

- ♪ January, February, March ♪
- ♪ Oh, what you got? ♪

♪ April, May and June
July, August, September ♪

Shit, yo! I'm gonna turn this shit up.

We all know what it's like to move.

- All the boxes, the schlepping...
- Yo!

Hey, who the fuck is that?

- Yo, it's Judy King, man!
- The chef lady.

Yo, she ain't just a chef, man.

She's an entertainment
and lifestyle specialist.

Yo, she cooks the food,

and then she shows you
how to present it, right?

Putting little sprigs
of rosemary on the plate,

putting it on a bed of
moss and shit.

Presentation is everything.

Did you just say "sprig"?

Raspberry buttermilk pie.
It's my way of saying...

I've seen this one before.

That raspberry buttermilk
pie turns out real nice.

Even when white folks try to
be exciting, they still boring.

Yeah, I was asleep.

Yo, what the fuck? Look.

Man, that girl is gonna be the death of me.

Let her ass go to the SHU.

Right this way.

Sure, yeah.

This is our TV room.

Go, go. You gotta go.

Ow. Ow.

White people... and other.

And we'll be going... uh, this way.

Right this way.

Hey, hands up over your head.

Vee came to me.

And she told me to follow her...

but my feet weren't... fast enough.

Okay.

And I missed her, Taystee. I missed her.

Suzanne... you have to listen to me.

- Vee wasn't here.
- Yes, she...

Vee's dead.

- No, she's not!
- Yes, she is!

- She is not! No, she's not!
- Vee is dead, Suzanne!

Vee is dead! Vee is dead!
Vee is dead!

She's gone.

Yes... she's gone.

I am so sorry.

Me, too.

- Need a little help, there?
- Nope, I've got it. Thank you.

I called you my girlfriend.

What? To who?

To my parents...

and my... brother and my brother's wife.

- That's a bold move, Chapman.
- I know.

I didn't even mean to say it. It just...

It just came out. And now...

Now, I can't stop thinking about it.

Do you want to pass me a note
and have me circle yes or no?

I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend.

- Oh, no?
- No.

Definitely not. I just thought...
I thought that it was weird.

It's totally weird.

You know, the Quran is turning out to be
more interesting than I would've guessed.

Technically, I'm not
supposed to be touching it,

but I did wash my hands.

So, I decided that Allah
would be cool with it.

Will you be my girlfriend?

- Yeah.
- Yes?

Yes, you idiot.

She said "yes."

- Good for you, hon.
- Mazel tov!

I have something for you.

- It's a non-birthday
gift. - Okay.

Here.

What is this? Is this... a list of songs?

Well, I couldn't make you a mix, so...

I wrote down the songs
I would've put on the mix

if we were, like... normal people

and not weird prison girlfriends.

Um...

Okay, Only You, Yaz.

You Wouldn't Like Me, Tegan and Sara.

- The Pussy is Mine, Miguel.
- Miguel.

This is so nice, and so gay.

- I know.
- Thank you.

Mr. Caputo, I need to speak to you.

Uh, I'm sure it's something your counselor
would be happy to assist you with, inmate.

It's about one of your guards.

As you can see, I am
very busy at the moment.

So, I will make every effort
to try and find you tomorrow.

It's about CO Bennett.

Excuse me.

Please.

What the hell do you want?

He hasn't been here for two weeks.
I haven't heard nothing from him.

Please, Mr. Caputo, you
gotta know where he is.

You gotta know something.

I am gonna give you
the benefit of the doubt

and assume that you are
not a complete moron,

despite that stupid, stupid
power move you just tried to pull.

Which means you can make the same
assumption I've made about Bennett,

he is gone.

- No.
- And he is not coming back.

Unfortunately for you, inmate, not
everyone around here is locked up.

Mr. Caputo...

I hate to be presumptive,
but was that inmate pregnant?

This is a good example of our concerns.

The costs associated with a birth
while the inmate is in our care.

And they're prohibitive, to say the least.

Great thing about men,
they don't have uterus’s.

She's not pregnant.

And quite frankly, you should
never assume that about a woman.

Phew! I've learned that one the hard way.

Well, a big hetero hello to all of you.

You buying this? Anybody? Yes? No?

Thank you.

Code blue in
room 23. Code blue, room 23.

Carrie.

Hey, Pop.

Hi.

You okay?

Of course, not.
That was stupid, huh?

I can't believe you're here.
It's been so many years, Carrie.

Well, you know... she's my mother.

I'm here now.

You won't even recognize
her, she's so frail.

I can handle it, Pop.

I... I don't think she can.

What, you mean the...
sight of her dyke daughter

is going to make her worse?

Carrie...

would it kill you to put on some
other clothes before you see her?

Well, these are my good Chucks, Pop.

You know what I mean.

Gosh...

I'm so fucking tired.

I have been her daughter for 42 years.

Now...

don't you think she could have
taken some of that time to...

work on accepting me for who
I am, rather than mourning...

every... fucking... thing... that I am not?

I understand that whatever
this is, is important to you,

but it's a costume, that's all.

The rest of us, we get up, put on
a suit and a tie, we go to work.

You think that's how I wanted to dress
five days a week? No, of course not.

But no one gets the privilege of
being themselves all the time, Carrie.

No one.

Now, if you want to go in there and
upset her, I'm not gonna stop you.

But you need to decide whether your
costume is worth what it's costing you.

I...

have had to fight for this...

all my life, Dad.

All my life.

Strangers, girlfriends,
fuck, even my own parents...

all asking me to be
something... that I am not.

Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Like, your whole fucking
existence is being denied, like...

"Whoa, you'd be better off
if you were invisible"? Yeah.

I refuse to be invisible, Daddy.

Not for you, not for Mom...

not for anybody.

So, um...

I'm sorry.

Hi, there. You must be the Reverend Lawlor.

Carrie, it's a pleasure.

I've heard such impressive
things from Tiffany.

- Please.
- Oh, thank you.

Well, she's told me really great
things about your holy work, sir.

So, it sounds like you've
been on quite a journey.

Using your time here to
get back on the right path?

It's a testament to the power
of prison rehabilitation.

Oh, absolutely, yes.

You know, there's... so
much time here to think...

reflect on life... regrets... on sin.

Yeah. Tell me more about that.

Forgive me, I just...

I get so emotional when
I have to talk about this.

You know, like the Bible says...

"If man also lie with mankind
the way he lieth with woman... "

"both have committed an abomination."

- Amen. Exactly.
- You're not alone.

I've talked to so many
people like yourself.

Faggots who have committed disgusting acts

before admitting that they'd
fallen prey to this illness.

I hope you don't mind my asking...

what was it that turned you to the light?

Well, I just, I prayed. A lot.

And then Jesus came in me...

To me, sorry. Jesus came
to me... with so much love.

- Praise the
Lord. - Mmm-hmm.

Reverend, Tiffany said that...

you might be able to take up a collection

to help support me

as I continue my walk
on the path of decency.

Stories like yours really
resonate with the congregation.

The narrative of the reformed
sinner spreading the gospel.

And let me tell you, your story,
a tale of wickedness and depravity,

a thieving dyke.

Well, that should make for a
compelling inspirational pamphlet.

Of course, we'll need to cover
that tattoo of yours for the photo.

- Reverend Lawlor?
- Are you all right?

Yes, I'm... just trying
to remember the passage.

Oh, yes... it's Corinthians 69.

I think it goes...

"Suck my big fat dyke dick,

you fucking hateful piece of shit!"

- Fuck you! What?
- All right, settle down.

- That's enough.
- I'm good.

Jesus was a fag. He said,
"This is my body. Eat me."

- Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you.

I appreciate your time.

- It was very informative.
- Thank you.

- All right, Joe, thanks.
- Thank you.

Drive safe.

Watch yourself on Route
16, huh? Uh, speed trap.

So?

I'd polish up that resume
if I were you, Ford.

Can I have one of those?

Get the fuck out of here.

What the hell is wrong with all of you?

I swear to God, you were my kid...

If you were my kid,
you'd still be fucked up.

Please.

I need something.

You okay?

He's gone.

I know.

Fucking piece of shit. Like all of them.

Yep.

Can't believe he just left us.

It's not the worst thing
that'll happen to that kid.

I'm glad you're back.

Seeing you like that was scarier

than seein' that dolphin penis at SeaWorld.

Around all that water, it
looked out of place, you know.

Some ladies just ain't
meant to look lady-like.

Now, my mother would disagree.

She'd say, "Don't be a salmon."

Is that a vagina thing?

No. Salmon, they swim
upstream... against the current.

Oh.

Wish I'd said goodbye to her.

- But I was dumb. - Mmm-mmm.
Today, you were brave.

Ha!

Horseshit.

I got six weeks extra work duty.

Yeah, but you stood up for yourself,
and that's more than I can say.

No, I just showed them who I really am.

A big, stupid, stubborn...
pussy-loving dyke.

Hey, well, listen, if that's who
you are, then that's who you are.

And there's no use in fightin' it,

and if you ain't gonna fight
it, you might as well embrace it,

or else you're living in purgatory.

Fuck yeah.

Here's to heaven or hell
and nothing in between.

- Boom!
- Boom.

Probably hell, though. I mean,
who the fuck am I kidding?

Oh.

You need to start brushing.

No, trust me on this.

Seriously, take it.

Thank you.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

All right, I'll give it
a go, but I'm telling you,

it's just a waste of my time.

Oh, there is no wiser
schmuck than you, my friend.

- Yeah, no shit. Guess what?
- Hmm?

I'm still taking their money.

I renounce thee, Satan.

Oh, bring that in. Yes!

Whoo!

- Bunch of chumps.
- Mmm.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about flossing.

- The string?
- Yeah, with the string.

- Fuck that.
- No, it's important.

- Joe Caputo.
- Joe, Danny Pearson.

Danny, of course.

I hope you don't mind me calling this late.

No, not at all. Did you make it home okay?

I know that last turn at the
end, that left, it's confusing.

Yeah, I made it just fine.
Um, look, I'll keep it short.

MCC is gonna be taking over Litchfield,

effective as soon as the
paperwork goes through.

Holy shit!

I'm sorry. I just...

I thought everything that could
have gone wrong on that tour, did.

Yeah, well, it was a real shit show.

But we toured the maximum security facility

before we came to visit you guys,

and with the number of bodies down there,

and the potential for the unused
space, it was a no-brainer.

Wow.

This is gonna be such a relief for
a lot of people around here, Danny.

Thank your bosses for me.

Oh, I'm glad. I gotta run right now,

but I look forward to
working with you, Joe.

Likewise.

Hey, Danny, thank you
so much, huh? Take care.

Whoo-Hoo!

Whoo-Hoo!

Huh?

Oh, hell, no!

Too far, too far. Okay.

I hear you.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
- www.addic7ed.com -