Original subtitles

Look everyone knows how important you are

to this team.

You're making this a bigger deal than it is.

I saw all of the slides.

I like Steven's idea best, period.

No way, Nils, come on.

It's fresh.

He's taking the established theme,

tipping it on its head. Brilliant!

It takes the mascot thing to a new and younger audience.

It's offensive.

You, you shouldn't even have had eyes on it.

Oh, loosen up, Frank.

Urban Sammy is hilarious.

My client's going to hate it. I'm telling you.

It's the agency's client, not yours.

That client chose this agency because of me.

They asked us to rebrand, Frank.

They want to shake things up.

I brought Steven in to do that, he's very talented.

He's got a goddamn Grand Prix.

Oh, I don't care.

A bad idea is a bad idea.

Well, I'm having him present it.

- I have to go. - No, no, wait.

Hey, I have the new rendering here

and I stuck the keynote on this drive

and all the digital stuff is hyper-linked.

There's no need.

Steven went behind my back and showed Nils Urban Sammy.

No.

No way, I thought you killed that idea.

Yeah, that little shit bag went over my head.

But the new deck is so good.

What about your work?

- Our work. - But can he do that?

I mean, the...

Man, that's the worst.

Yeah, I just got off with Nils

and it's done, Ruby.

Nils sucks.

He doesn't have a creative bone in his body.

And there's not a lot we can do about it.

When the chief creative officer makes a decision,

that's what goes.

- Just stick your stuff on my desk. - Yeah.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah.

Next time.

We'll get them next time.

Okay.

I have got to go clear my head.

Oh, um.

- Here. - Oh.

- What's this? - It's a card I made.

Don't, like, open it in front of me.

You got it.

I leave for Nebraska on Monday.

I won't see you before the holidays,

so Merry Christmas.

And screw Nils.

And Steven.

They're both hacks, everybody here knows it.

Thanks for that.

Are you going to be okay?

Yeah.

I'll be fine.

As long as I don't run into the fucking turncoat.

Then, you, uh, you better go now.

- He's leaving the conference room, he's headed this way. - Oh, okay.

Hey, Steven, I had a question for you.

Yeah?

Hey, Frankie.

You ran off on me, my man.

You okay with those changes?

You know that I'm not.

You went behind my back.

I had to make a snap decision.

Look, I know you've been close to this account, Frankie.

Oh, yeah, the account I've been running for the last decade.

Yeah, yeah, pretty close to it.

We needed fresh eyes, something new.

We're pushing the creative forward.

"Pushing the creative."

You know how dumb that sounds, right?

Well, Nils loves my idea.

Nils isn't the client.

Yeah, but guess what, he's our boss.

Now, look, we're supposed to be partners.

You needed to trust me.

Frankie, your thinking is just so '80s, man.

Brands don't act the same way. You'll see,

the clients are going to love it.

Yeah, well, I hope for both of us they do.

Let's go a little deeper.

Deeper.

Now really stretch.

Are you hurting?

Yeah.

Okay, bud.

Let's try something different.

Twists.

- Okay. - Yeah, how's your shoulder?

Well, shitty, as usual.

Yeah?

I want you to push through, all right?

Hold on to that.

Grab that.

Okay?

Ready?

How's Kath been doing these days? I haven't seen her in a while.

She's doing fine.

Okay, granny, few more reps.

You're tougher than this.

Push through.

Kathy can pull harder than this.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

You know, look what you've made me do.

Mm, smells amazing, baby.

- Thanks, baby. - Aw, babies,

can refrain from using foreplay at the table?

Jealous?

God.

Why are we using Grandma's death plates?

- China. - Sorry, death China.

Why are we using Grandma's death China?

It's a special occasion.

You use China on special occasions.

What's the special occasion?

Mom and Dad's anniversary.

Jesus, Kaitlin, I texted you that last night.

Uh, I was, how do you say, un-petit fucked up last night.

I love these plates, you don't like them?

No. They're old and creepy

and I'm afraid I'm going to constantly break them.

It's our connection to your grandma.

And your grandma's grandma.

Thank you.

Through the use of their old-ass plates?

I think they're beautiful, Mom.

Agreed. So pretty.

Oh, my God.

God, the Andersons have made me hate Christmas.

- Be nice. - Oh,

Mrs. Anderson's probably beside herself

that it's 60 degrees in December.

She does love snow, that woman.

Oh.

I want to take that speaker

and shove it right up her little, tiny ass.

- Seems like a strong reaction. - Sorry.

Tell me this doesn't annoy the shit out of you.

It does. It doesn't make me

want to sodomize my neighbor.

Mom, don't say "sodomize."

Why?

Because we're about to eat.

Oh, loosen up, Sadie, for all of us.

I'm super loose.

Ha.

Where's Dad?

He had a pitch today.

New take on the squirrel.

Oh, no, they're changing Sammy?

They're trying to make him more relevant for Millennials.

Millennials don't give a shit what cartoon

character's on their toilet paper.

Mm, I disagree.

I use the one with the bear on it.

You know, it comforts me.

Help me baste, hun.

- Oh, sure. - Yeah.

Thank you.

Watch it.

That boy is more whupped than any man I know.

Like a puppy.

That's how she like them though.

Well, everybody's got something, don't they?

Oh, Mom, getting catty.

Meow.

Hey, help me set.

These are pretty.

Like the bit at the bottom.

Yeah, it's a bitch to clean but, yeah.

Your father's aunt gave these to us for our wedding.

How do you remember shit like that?

You know, that's my brain, a steel trap.

I'm glad you're here.

It means a lot to me.

Don't go all Hallmark on me.

I didn't even get you a gift.

Your presence is the only present I need.

Barf, Ma.

I know.

Deal with it.

Uh, and set a place for Danny.

Please.

Ma, that's fucking morbid.

Do it.

Fuck me.

Oh, fuck you, Santa.

Hey, would you rather have this, lady?

It's all herbal.

I hate you very much.

Oh.

You're fucking crazy.

- You asshole, give me this. - Hey.

I am doing you a solid right now.

- Oh, is she pissed? - Mm.

She's mildly miffed at this point.

Just go in, make a big deal out of her.

Um, oh, give me your card and I'll get her something.

Get her a massage from my trainer.

- With Ray? - Yeah.

Yeah, she'll love it.

Okay, done and done.

You're a champion.

Okay, goober, go.

Ah.

Danny always liked the lights on before dinner.

Hey, happy anniversary, sir.

Patty, I wasn't expecting you.

Happy to be here, sir, honored.

All right, at ease, Patty. Okay, enough

with the "sirs." We get it.

You got something for Mom, right?

Yes, kid, of course I did.

Where's my beautiful wife of 20...

- Eight. - ...eight years?

Jesus.

Has it been 28 years already?

- Yes, it has. - Oh.

You reek of weed, honey.

Yeah, stressful day.

- I don't want you driving high. - You do it.

Yeah, but I handle that shit a lot better than you do.

Guys, can we not talk about drugs at the dinner table? We have guests.

Uh, no, I, I don't mind it.

See, Patty doesn't mind.

Death plates.

What?

Red or white?

- Red. - Me too.

- Bourbon, two cubs, dash bitters. - Go fix it yourself.

I thought you liked playing hostess with the mostess.

- Katy. - What?

I'll, uh, I'll actually take one as well, Kaitlin.

I didn't offer.

All right, um.

No, no, fill it up, sweetheart.

You know what, I will go make my own.

Okay.

You guys should go away.

Take a cruise or something.

Like old people?

Well, 28 years seems big.

- Like a thing to be celebrated. - Oh, you know, my folks

went to Turks and Caicos this year. Loved it.

I can get the name of their travel agent if you'd like.

People still use those?

Oh, yeah, my parents do.

Oh.

Don't you think so, Kaitlin? They should take a trip or something.

Mm.

For what?

Will you pass the potatoes?

Their anniversary.

Uh...

Sure.

Roll, please.

Is that what you want? A trip?

No, I want my own sports car.

Like a little Vespa or something.

Having a midlife crisis.

Mm. No.

I'm just trying to keep up with yours, hon.

Oh!

Momma's on fire tonight.

I was going to wait until after dinner,

but I can't wait anymore.

I made you guys a little something.

- Oh. - Jesus, Sadie.

That's so, so nice.

It's your lives together.

Like almost every detail.

Open it.

What... wa... right now?

- I was going to start dinner. - Yes!

Oh, my gosh, okay.

So I wanted the first picture to be that one

from Christmas last year with, with all of us,

but I couldn't find it, so...

I have looked everywhere for that damn picture.

No worries, I went old school instead.

Oh, wow.

- Look. - Oh,

look how much hair I had.

- Oh! - Oh, look at that stash.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, man, it was the '80s.

Katy, you want to look?

At Dad's pedophile stash?

Nah. Hard pass on that one.

Uh, can I have that, I'd love to see that, actually.

- Wait a second. - Hello?

Whoa, Ma, nice jugs!

Don't be gross.

Oh, there's nothing gross with that.

Where was that? Italy.

Si, si.

That was the afternoon we drank Aperol spritzers

in that little cafe.

Ma, are you drunkies in this picture?

Yeah, certain.

Katy, what'd you get for Mom and Dad?

My unwavering love and support.

The greatest gift of all.

So, nothing.

Mom, Dad got you a massage with his trainer.

Really?

Wow.

Thanks, hun.

That'll be nice.

Anything for you.

Maybe I'll go Sunday.

Go tomorrow.

Oh, no, tomorrow's the shower.

- Oh, no, no. - Oh, God!

I don't have to, like, go to that, right?

- You both certainly do. - Can't you

tell them I have diarrhea?

No one questions diarrhea.

Yeah, I have diarrhea too.

Lots of it. I mean,

when did men start having

to go to these things anyway?

You're going.

Sir.

For Christ sake, you don't need to call me sir!

Duly noted. Um. There's something

I wanted to talk to you about, sir. Something...

Something important. Um.

Okay.

Spit it out, man.

I'm going to ask Sadie for her hand...

and I'd very much like your blessing, sir.

Sure.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Thank you.

Kath!

Kathy!

I thought we agreed we weren't going to buy this toilet paper!

I look at this fucking squirrel enough during my work week!

Sorry, it was on sale.

The count is under review again.

It's humiliating.

Pitching like a fucking rookie.

Isn't Steven supposed to be working

with you on this one?

Yeah.

Little asshole.

Time for the wunderkind to prove himself, right?

Nah, he's fucking it all up.

Client's going to hate the deck.

So? Stick up for yourself

and your work.

Christ, we thought up that damn squirrel

however many years ago.

You know the brand better than anyone.

They don't care, Kath.

You were smart to get out when you did.

I'm the old fart there.

You know, and they are just waiting,

looking for, uh, any excuse to get rid of me.

I can feel it.

Stop being nice to these pricks.

This is your client. You should threaten little Steven.

Take Sammy the Squirrel elsewhere.

Hmm.

I like when you're talking tough.

Sexy.

What did you do?

I read an article.

It's supposed to make it look bigger.

Oh, God.

Do I really have to come tomorrow?

Yes, you have to come.

She's my only niece and, come on, she's not that bad.

I got too excited!

Oh, my God! Who,

who gave me this one?

Okay, what's next?

From you guys? Oh, coasters!

Oh, my God, I love coasters!

These are so cool! Look, honey,

- coasters! - Yes, they're really nice.

Oh, my God!

Great!

Wow, coasters are great.

Thank you.

Hi, Uncle Frank.

You're late.

What's that?

This is from Darla and Ben.

Okay.

Darla and Ben

who are not here,

so, we're not opening it.

I know, it's because Darla is in the hospital.

Okay, honey, we talked about this.

Only happy thoughts on my happy day.

All right?

I think you need some water, honey.

You're acting very weird.

Uh-huh, okay, what's next?

Oh, look at this basket.

This basket, oh, my God, look, it's got cookies,

it's got...

Not sharing.

Are you getting on the bandwagon too?

He wants me to start baking.

It has a "B."

- For Betsy. - For Betsy.

Oh, my God, my very own mug.

Woo, what's this?

Oh, look, there's spices in here too!

What do we have?

Oh, my... I...

All right, wipe that shit-eating grin

off your face, Frankie.

What?

You're next.

One of your girls will put you through this soon enough.

I got some time.

No, you don't.

None of us do.

Okay.

My first thought when I wake every morning,

I'm closer to death than I was yesterday.

Jesus, man.

Six K!

At this fucking party! Six K!

Those fucking lanterns, shit, like 500 bucks.

They're going to get thrown in the garbage in about two hours.

Well, they look nice.

Well, I hope to fuck they do.

You need another drink.

I need a tranquilizer.

You know how much this wedding is going to run me?

Nope.

Uh...

20K.

Double that.

If I'm lucky.

Pray that yours elope.

Frank, pray that they run off

in the middle of the fucking night and elope.

Just set down some boundaries, man, all right?

Just sit Betsy down...

Oh, my God, yay!

This is my favorite part of my party.

And in record time, Kathy's crying.

Well, your sister's a very sensitive woman.

You know why people cry at weddings?

They are mourning the love they once had.

The love they'll never have again.

You're fucking bleak today, huh?

Tell me I'm wrong.

Hey, Uncle Jim. It's a great party.

- Never get married. - Oh,

yeah, no problem there, kemosabe.

Smart girl.

Yo, yo, yo, Daddy-o,

can you lend me some dough?

Why?

Because I need it.

- No. - I'm going to be getting

some stuff for us.

Wink, wink, wink, wink.

- Wink, you know? - Okay.

Okay, mm-hmm.

Took you a little while.

Mm-hmm.

What is happening?

Uh, you two assholes want to smoke some weed?

Bartender's going to sell me some.

I am paying that prick to serve drinks.

Uncle Jim, if there's anyone here

who needs to smoke weed right now,

it's you.

I don't do that.

What, I haven't smoked grass in years.

You okay there, man?

Great, the greatest.

So you smoke with your dad a lot?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's my best friend.

- Your best friend? - Yeah,

she found my stash when she was,

what, seventeen?

Eighteen, thank you.

I had no clue why my supply was dwindling

and then I caught her up on the roof with a doobie.

He still says "doobie."

Isn't that so cute?

- "Doobie," I like it. - Oh.

That's what we called it then.

- Hey, Jim, back me up, huh? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Oh, shit.

Hey, what're you doing after this?

I'm supposed to meet up with my girl, Darla. Why?

I'm going to text you this spot in Bushwick.

Loft party, cool-ass people.

- You should be there. - Okay.

You ask her out right in front of me.

You should come too,

sir.

Frank at a loft party.

Hey, why is that so funny?

Hey, Kathy and I used to party.

Mom? Really?

In the fucking '80s, maybe.

I was the man.

Legendary.

Carl!

You poor son-of-a-bitch!

Do you want to smoke some weed?

You guys are high?

- Yeah. - You want, man?

No, I don't want.

Jim, Betsy needs you inside.

She just wants this.

- Tell her to use the Amex. - No, she wants to see you.

She has to make a special announcement.

So tell her to make it.

You have to be there!

I don't know.

Guess I should probably go make some mimosas.

Will I see you later?

Yeah, maybe.

Aren't you supposed to go inside and hear her announcement?

Oh, no, I already know.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, I didn't think it would happen so soon.

Oh, wow.

- What? - You loaded

that shotgun, huh?

Oh.

Oh, my God!

She's knocked up?

Oh!

Oh, my God.

I can't be a dad!

Uh, what's the big deal?

You're marrying her already.

I don't know, it's, it's like,

- it's all happening... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you'll probably be fine, okay?

Yeah, we didn't want Katy and we survived it.

What?

Oh, yeah, you were a huge mistake.

So was your sister.

I was a mistake?

Yeah. Well, like,

you know, we didn't want to have children.

Your mom wanted to stay at the agency

and then, you know, boom, boom, two girls.

I don't think I can go back in there.

I think I am making a huge mistake.

Then don't do it.

- What? - Don't marry her.

Save you both some time, kid.

I couldn't do that.

The, the wedding's in a few weeks. She,

she already planned so much, she planned, she planned like...

Everything.

So what?

- Dad. - No, no,

seriously.

If you know in the pit of your stomach that it's wrong,

then...

run.

Do not walk.

Faster than I thought he was.

- Holy shit! - I didn't,

I didn't mean to literally make him run.

Yeah. I mean, Carl's not much for metaphors, Dad.

Yeah. Uh, you know,

we should get out of here.

Uh, somebody should tell Betsy.

Oh, no, not me, not fucking way.

Okay, so neither one of us is going to go back inside,

- correct? - Correct.

Cool. I'm going to go meet Darla.

Oh. Can I come?

- No. - Please?

Come on, don't make me beg.

Make my knees hurt too much.

Oh, my God.

Ow! God.

No.

Hoo-woo!

Yo, boo,

your dad is fucked right now.

I told him not to take it.

She took it.

Yeah, pops, I'm used to this shit.

Merry Christmas, daddy-o.

You about to get real warm.

Where are we?

Brooklyn.

I spent my whole childhood getting out of Brooklyn.

And you dragged me back.

You asked to come.

Brooklyn!

I love you!

Oh, wow.

Dad, hey, okay. Hey, Dad?

I need you to get your shit together right now.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't make me regret sharing my drugs.

Okay, old man, let's go party.

You smell like cinnamon.

No, I smell like all the spices, baby.

That's right.

Let's go.

- Come on. - Okay.

What's up, baby?

- It's been awhile, huh? - Okay, let's go.

Here we go, inside, okay.

Fucking showoff.

Oh, Darla, I know this song!

I know this song!

Yeah!

Get it, Mr. Benetto, get it!

Not tonight. Not tonight,

big papa, not tonight.

What night?

Tell me, what night?

Your dad's a perv.

I know.

Hey, Dad, fuck off!

Hey.

Hey! Oh.

And your dad is actually here.

Bartender!

Hi, hi!

You are such a great bartender.

I love you!

- What's with him? - I gave him molly.

It is going to be a night, my friend.

I love you guys.

I love life.

Oh, I love those sparkly lights.

Love you too, padre!

Look, he might actually get naked, girl.

Like high possibility of nudity.

Please, don't say that.

Wouldn't be out of the norm for these parties.

Who I this young lady?

This is my girl.

That's right.

You're cute.

I'm gorgeous, motherfucker.

Yeah, you are.

You guys see the roof yet?

Got a tree up there, all decked out, amazing view.

I'll fix you a drink.

- Okay. - I don't...

I don't know if I should leave him.

Look at that asshole.

He is living his best life right now.

To the roof, sir.

You better now?

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Wait.

Who are you supposed to be?

Are you Santa's little helper?

Sure, let's go with that.

Um, how in the sweet hell did you end up in here?

Mm, fate.

All right.

A fatalist. Yes.

You're a beautiful person, you know that?

I mean, I'm a very good judge of this, and,

and you glow, you're, you're glowing.

Shit, you trying to play daddy tonight, Daddy?

What, oh. Uh, no,

I'm just making conversation.

You got some moves.

So, what do you do?

I'm a mystic, baby.

I don't know what that means.

Exactly.

Can I, uh, read your cards?

Shuffle.

Think about a question you have,

cut the deck into three piles with your left hand.

Why my left hand?

Because I said.

Choose a pile.

Okay.

Choose it with your heart.

I don't know what my heart wants.

Well, that's interesting.

Bingo.

Your past, your present, your future.

Hmm.

What?

Oh.

Did you lose someone, like, like recently?

No.

Hmm.

Well, maybe it's you.

You're lost.

You feeling lost?

Yeah, sure.

This one.

It's reversed.

So you're living in your head.

And you're living with all of this anxiety.

You're stuck

or you think you're stuck.

You need to move past whatever is up here.

- What's that one? - Oh, it doesn't mean what you think it means.

It usually means change.

What kind of change?

I mean, big change.

Oh.

I don't like that card.

The imagery is dramatic, the meaning isn't.

- Okay. - It's like,

you have like a core comfort or belief

and you have to burn it to the fucking ground.

Sounds pretty dramatic.

Hmm.

Change is good, right?

It's always been good to me.

But look at this.

So calm, so peaceful.

These are lovely cards.

They are?

Yeah.

You just need to push through this bullshit.

- Push. - Yeah, push.

It'll be fine.

I promise.

You feel like him.

Oh, no, you're beautiful like him.

Like who?

I'm sorry, I'm...

- Mm. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let go of this, yes?

And whatever you're torturing yourself about,

my little King of Knives,

it's not worth it.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Daddy,

honey, come back.

Uh.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry for what?

For how I was with him.

You can't change the past, you know?

I know that.

I never talk about it.

Dad?

Jesus, I thought I'd lost you!

W... Are you okay?

What's going on?

He's just gotten a little emotional.

Katy, did I fail him?

I think we unlocked something.

Well, that was a fucking mistake.

No, I did, I screwed up.

Okay, yeah, we're not doing this here.

I am so sorry.

Don't be, I think it's beautiful.

Okay, get up!

- Oh, okay. - Jesus Christ.

Wait.

You...

are really special.

- Okay. - Bye, Frank.

Come on!

What happened to the bartender?

Ah, he was an asshole.

I liked him.

Oh, pretty lights.

Nah, he wasn't so nice, he was not a gentleman.

Well, he was a man, so...

We don't have to talk about him.

What'd he do?

He wanted me and your daughter to do nasty shit together.

- Like what? - Dad!

What, you want me to go beat the shit out of him for you?

I don't think that's going to do much good, Dad.

I appreciate the sentiment, pops.

Okay.

So what was going on between you and that guy in the tent?

Oh, Sebastian.

Sure, Sebastian the glitter elf.

Yeah. I might...

He was really...

...I'm feeling all of these things right now.

That's the drugs, sir.

Yeah, it's like, I can see my whole life.

Like these little snippets, you know?

And all the bad things that I did to your mom

and to you kids, they're like little lazer beams.

Pew, pew, pew, pew.

Yeah, but you and mom got past that shit though, so.

I had extramarital affairs.

- A lot of them. - I don't

particularly want to talk about our dirty

laundry with my friend, thank you.

Uh, road!

I was good for a while,

years, good to her.

- And then... - Dad!

Then what?

Darla!

You can only deny your true self for so long

and I was a monster to Dan.

I just couldn't...

Look,

I am not a homophobe.

Just...

Not my only son, you know?

That sounds pretty homophobic to me.

I don't want to talk about Danny right now, okay?

I can't handle it.

Hun,

it's okay.

It's not though.

Wait, are you guys gay?

What?

Like, are you two like together?

No, no, Jesus. No.

Oh, it's, it's fine if you are.

Oh, really?

Sure.

When did you change your mind about that then?

Uh, I don't know. I, I,

I'm just saying that you should, uh,

you should follow your hearts, that's all.

Are you trying to father me right now?

Yeah.

It's a little late for that, don't you think?

Oh.

- What are you doing? - Oh, oh.

Road!

Oh, sorry.

- Not in the back seat! - Road!

No, please. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Shit.

No, I really, like, I can smell it right now.

- Just open the windows, open the windows. - I can smell it.

Fuck!

- Kathy! - Stop yelling.

- Oh, whoa. - Oh, my God.

Kathy.

- Oh! - Oh, God, no.

Oh, wow, come on. On three.

- One, two, three. - Whoa!

Come on, help us, Dad.

Jesus.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No! No!

No, Dad.

- Come on, come on. - Dad.

Dad, get up!

Uh-oh.

Oh, come on. Nice, Kaitlin.

Just get him inside.

Are you okay? Can you stand?

- I'll help. - I'm fine.

She should help. She's the one that did this to him.

I didn't do shit.

You encouraged him.

He's not a fucking child.

Yes, he is!

Oh.

Oh, God, just get the Febreze.

Why?

Because my car smalls like...

I threw up!

I can get him in.

Okay, come on, over here.

Beautiful. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right here.

- Oh! - Jesus.

Okay.

Whoa!

You happy?

Oh, delighted.

Yeah, cleaning up Dad's puke.

Banner Saturday night.

Well, Mom's pissed.

God, what else is new?

You two left us in the middle of a shit storm. Poor Betsy...

You know who I give zero shits about right now,

is Betsy. Fuck her.

Carl ran off, which you apparently knew,

and poor Betsy...

Is pregnant, yeah.

Yeah, congratulations to her by the way.

This is the first interesting thing

that has ever happened to her.

Kaitlin, she is inside, lower your voice.

I don't give a shit if she hears me!

You know it's true.

God, when did you become this thing?

This Stepford Wife?

A few years ago, you would've been in the corner with me

shitting on stupid Betsy and her stupid shower.

She is a garbage person.

I'm not a Stepford Wife.

No.

You're worse.

You want to be one.

I can't imagine what will happen

when Patrick grows a pair and leaves you.

- Patrick loves me. - Woof!

Jesus, this angry fucking thing you've turned into!

I have no idea why you need to numb

whatever's going on inside.

Yes, you do!

You do, okay?

All of you are just as fucked up as me!

- At least I'm expressing myself. - By drinking

yourself stupid and leaching off Mom and Dad.

- Yes, expressing myself! - I'm worried

- about you. - Oh, my God.

When I get calls after midnight, I feel like it's someone

calling to tell me you're dead.

You know what the craziest part of that statement is?

Someone calls you after midnight.

- You have... - Hey.

He's throwing up in the kitchen sink.

Just FYI.

Great.

Dad's real fucked up, huh?

Yeah.

Yep.

Burbs, man.

Y'all break down for real.

He's just going through, like, some weird shit.

Yeah.

You know who I don't have sympathy for?

Aging rich white dudes.

Mm-mm.

You okay?

No.

Aw.

Baby.

Let's just go home.

I fucked that bartender at my cousin's shower.

Not because I wanted to, but because I was bored.

Okay.

Like, I knew he would try what he did tonight.

Then why would you bring me there then?

I thought it, I thought it would be fun.

For who, for you?

I told you, I don't share.

So I belong to you now?

Not what I said.

Why you picking a fight with me right now?

- I'm not! - Yeah, you are!

No, I'm really...

Just drive me home.

Fuck.

I just can't hang like I used to.

Oh, getting older sucks.

Maybe because you're not supposed to be

partying at your age, huh?

My age?

I remember thinking that anyone over 50 was like ancient.

And here I am.

You know,

I never felt my age.

I don't even know if that ever really happens to a person.

I can remember moments from my childhood...

that are so clear.

I can close my eyes and still smell the perfume

your mom wore when I met her.

And what it felt like the first time I held you guys.

It was clear and full.

Now, I'm just sitting back

and letting life do what it does.

Now I know that my body's just rotting from the inside.

Are you sick?

No.

I'm just...

I know I'm on this track.

And it's like the rollercoaster's done

giving me all the dives and twists

and so we're just pulling into the station

and I'm just reflecting on how crazy it all was.

And I'm not ready for that yet, you know?

I'm not particularly proud

of the track I left in my wake.

You're mixing metaphors.

Yeah.

You understand though.

I'm going to go sleep this off, you know.

Is your mom awake?

Yeah.

She was exhausted after the shower.

Um, Dad,

there's something you should know.

Uncle Frank?

Betsy.

How're you holding up?

Do you hate me, Uncle Frank?

No, of course not.

He won't take my calls, Uncle Frank.

He's going to leave me

because you told him not to marry me.

Why would you do that?

I have always tried to be the best niece to you.

Haven't I been?

I don't know why you would say something like that.

Why would you?

Why!

Because he was unhappy.

Carl was my soulmate!

Oh, okay, where do we start?

Okay, soulmates?

That whole concept of like only one person

being right for you in the whole world.

It's total horseshit.

Dad.

You will meet so many

people that'll feel like "the one."

And if you'd bother to look outside of a ten mile radius...

Ten mile radius, what does that mean?

- Betsy. - It is not my fault

that you hate your stupid life.

I will have you know that Carl and I

have been in love since high school.

Uh, please, voices down, okay?

Marrying your high school sweetheart is, uh,

what's the word, um,

dumb.

You married young.

Yeah, and I have been an awful husband since then.

No, you haven't.

He hasn't.

Yes, I have.

You want to know how many times I strayed?

I was mean, distant, you name it.

I mean, I never deserved meeting a woman like her, and...

I married Kathy because I was scared shitless.

I married her because...

...you know, I didn't know what else to do with my life and she was kind,

too kind.

And, uh, I shouldn't have.

Daddy,

- stop! - I wasn't

ready to be a father either.

I mean, I worked weekends,

weeknights.

You know, I was barely there when you guys were growing up.

And I put it all on Kathy.

My whole life I've made choices out of fear, Betsy.

Now, I, uh,

look in the mirror and I, I go...

"...Where did all that fucking time go?"

Well, that's your own fault!

Yes, it is.

Just because you're all jaded doesn't mean

you get to ruin everyone else's happiness.

Mm, you're not happy, honey.

I am so happy!

I'm pregnant and we're going to have a family.

And what if he doesn't want a family?

He does!

I know he does.

You need to call Carl and tell him.

You tell him that he's making a mistake.

I stand by what I told him.

- What! - I'm saving you

both so much time

and you can hate me if you want to.

- I do! - Mm.

I do hate you!

And so do your kids!

Everybody knows it.

You know it's true.

What you'll learn, Betsy,

is that all relationships have about as much hate

as they do love.

And without the former...

you can't appreciate the latter.

And I know exactly what my kids

think of me and I know it's not all sunshine

and junipers, and... okay?

You need some water?

No!

Uncle Frank, please.

Will you call Carl, please?

I don't know what I'm going to do without him.

You're going to be just fine.

Go home, sleep,

call him in the morning.

Okay?

You fucker, you ruined my life!

Your Dad is an asshole.

I know, he is, I know.

I hate him!

You all right?

Not really.

Oh, Jesus, you smell like a hobo.

Yeah, I know.

Did you hear all that?

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I feel strange.

Hearing you say it all out loud.

- Sorry. - You know,

it's kind of, um...

Sobering.

You know?

She has been here all night.

She's used up every Kleenex in the house.

I'm sorry.

You should be.

For all of it.

You should be.

I'm sleeping in Danny's room again.

Coffee?

Sure.

Hot or iced?

I still can't get over how warm it is.

Iced, yeah.

Thank you global warning.

Is Mom up?

She's getting that massage.

Oh, great, great.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You need anything?

No.

Okay.

Um.

Did Patrick ask you something the other night?

Yup.

And?

I told him, "Sure."

Oh.

Oh? Isn't that what you wanted?

Yeah?

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Oh, wow.

- Yeah? - Frank,

we are in crisis mode here.

Why?

They didn't buy it.

What part?

Any of it. They hate the new Sammy,

they think it's offensively urban.

Those fuckers...

Morning, Kathy.

I haven't seen you in a while.

I know.

Tension in the usual spots.

Just let me know how the pressure is.

Don't be afraid to pipe up.

Breathe with me, okay?

I'm going to go a little deeper.

You really are tense today.

Is that too hard?

No.

Missed you, Kath.

I know.

Oh, my...

God!

Baby, that's, uh...

That...

was...

so...

sexy.

Uh...

What, um, what was the occasion?

I'm breaking up with you.

Do you like this sweater?

Like, I just... You know, I got it last

week thinking I'd wear it on the Cape for Christmas.

And I... I just don't know about it.

Like maybe too loud, you know?

- It's fine. I'm breaking up with you. - You know,

I also don't really know if it's my color.

I don't want to be with you anymore!

Wait, what?

You heard me.

Since when?

Since right before Danny.

That was like a year ago.

I know.

I felt like I owed it to you for getting me through that.

Owed it to me?

Yeah.

Baby, come on, you're stressed.

- Yes, but... - You know what I think?

I think that...

today has put a lot of strain on you

and you're reacting to all the craziness.

No, no, I just...

Oh, God.

- I'm so sorry. - Baby?

All of our lives got planned out

before I had a chance to really think about it.

Who's, who's, who's, who's planning?

You!

It's so dumb that I don't want this.

I'm so sorry that I don't want this.

Okay, by "this" you mean me?

Uh, so you were staying with me out of...

out of what?

Politeness?

Expectation.

Was that a, was that a pity blowjob?

- Yes. - That's,

that's really weird.

I'm sorry.

Do you love me?

I'm sorry.

Because, you know, I've...

I...

was going to...

Uh, I...

was going to...

ask you.

Uh, I was just waiting for the right time.

I know you were.

I can't let you do that, I'm so sorry.

Say something else.

All right, because "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.

Sadie.

Please, Sadie.

I'm saving us both time.

Where the fuck are you?

Excuse me?

I told you I needed you here.

That was over 40 minutes ago.

So I'll ask again, where are you?

What is your ETA?

Uh, never, actually.

Is that a joke? We need to bring something

completely new to the client!

Yeah, so call Ruby.

You should be using her work.

Who the hell is Ruby?

The junior you've been ignoring.

You're just pawning work off on a junior, huh?

No, I'm telling you how to save your ass!

Her renderings are on my desk!

I'll get you fired, you know that?

Oh, great, you do that.

Great? At your age?

Oh, my age?

Yeah, you'll never find a job

in this industry!

You are a fucking dinosaur!

I need you to get here, Frank! Pull your head

out of your wrinkled ass and get here now!

No. I gave you everything you needed for that deck

and now you can go clean up your own fucking mess.

- I quit! - What?

I should have quit a year ago.

Hey, have fun

pitching against Gray, Steve-o.

Fuck you, squirrel!

Who are you looking for?

I need, uh, I...

I'm looking for Sebastian.

You just missed him. He left this morning.

- He, he left? - Yeah.

Little nomad.

He read my cards.

Anything good?

Change.

A lot of change.

- Change is good. - Yeah.

Yeah, I, I just need to ask him a question, okay?

Do you know here he is?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Oh, God.

Hey.

You okay?

I don't think I am.

Just breathe, yeah?

Good.

Have you ever?

I started to feel my life squeeze in on me.

Like, like my choices were starting to suffocate me.

Does that makes sense?

No.

- Okay. - Um.

Do you need some water?

Yes.

Wow.

This is...

I know,

it's crazy.

Are you still breathing?

Yeah, sorry, uh.

My dad has panic attacks too.

Is that what that is?

Well, this may surprise you.

I am not a medical doctor.

But, yeah, you seem pretty panicked.

Thanks for this.

Of course.

Um.

What's your name?

Cassie.

Thank you, Cassie.

It's better.

Jesus, that was weird.

Sebastian will circle back eventually.

He always does.

So, uh,

what's the deal with the things on the ceiling?

Oh, this is where I rehearse.

For what?

I'm an aerialist.

Uh...

Like in the circus.

I do tricks on these bad boys.

So you ran away and joined the circus.

Is that so hard to believe?

Yeah, who actually does that?

Me.

Okay.

Do you live around here?

I grew up here.

I live, uh...

I'm in Westchester now.

What are you doing slumming it in Bushwick?

Uh, recapturing my youth, I suppose.

Interesting.

Where you from?

Brooklyn.

Originally?

No.

New Mexico.

I knew it.

You're too nice to be from here.

I have to pee.

Be back in a sec.

Door open.

Latch is broken.

Uh, I'm a stranger.

That's a bold choice.

You remind me of my dad.

Your dad.

That hurt.

So, like, what, do you flip around on those things?

Yeah, I do trapeze too.

- Interesting, I'd like to see that. - Oh.

You forgot all about poor Sebastian, haven't you?

Feeling much better, eh?

Yeah, suddenly feeling pretty good.

Oh, I bet you are.

You're fresh.

Are you trying to hit on me?

Mm.

Are you married?

You're too old for me anyway.

Ouch.

Does age really matter anymore though?

Probably means I'd give you a heart attack.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Oh.

Fresh, Mister "I just had a panic attack."

I don't even know your name.

It's Frank.

Well, Frank,

I think you might have mistook my kindness.

I, uh...

I can't help myself.

I'm going to show you a trick.

Are you ready?

As ready as I'll ever be.

Bah-dah.

No.

No!

No!

No! No!

No!

Did I do something wrong?

Okay.

Why are you crying?

You did this to him.

I didn't.

Yes, yes.

Please, hurry.

Please.

Okay, you're freaking me out, Frank.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm sorry.

Here you go.

Good for what ails you.

I just really broke his heart.

Like crushed it.

Yes, I suspect that you did.

He's such a good guy.

Yes, he is.

That doesn't mean you have to love him.

I feel crazy.

Why did I just do that?

Because you're smart.

Why did you marry Daddy?

Oh, Jesus.

You loved him, right?

Yes.

He and I were...

For a while it was really good.

We were a really good team.

Do you regret it?

Giving up your job and having...

No, of course not.

I loved being a mother so much.

So much more than I ever thought that I would.

I love you three more than I can say.

Right.

Not to wax poetic but...

you land where you're supposed to land.

I have never been by myself.

Isn't that crazy?

Yes, it is.

Breaking up with someone right before the holidays is so...

It's cold...

I'm a cold bitch.

Screw the holidays.

You shouldn't stay with someone

because the timing feels inconvenient.

Right? Okay.

Listen to me.

Don't ever stay with anyone out of obligation.

You can choose to stay and work on something that's broken

but that's a choice and not a given.

It's not the fucking '50s, you know?

Okay.

Thanks for picking me up.

What happened to you?

I crashed the car.

Are you on drugs?

No. I'm about to take some.

Are you crying?

Yes.

Are you crying?

Yes.

Are you having a breakdown?

Hmm.

Maybe.

Definitely.

Just quit my job today.

- It's Sunday. - Yeah,

advertising doesn't take any days off.

And it's probably for the best.

I keep seeing Danny.

Can we go?

Why are you in Brooklyn?

Soul searching.

Fair enough.

Why were you in Brooklyn?

Uh, Darla.

Uh, she ended things with me.

Oh, sorry.

It's probably for the best, so...

I really am okay with it, you and her.

That is so confusing for me.

Like, why couldn't you have done that for Danny?

Fuck, I don't know.

Mm.

I wish I had.

Don't take all of those, okay?

The last thing I need is you with an opioid problem.

Agreed.

Put your goddamn seatbelt on.

This is bullshit.

Oh, bullshit, posed.

- You get in that one. - Mm, mm.

Yeah, uh, after I found out about the neighbor.

Mrs. Anderson?

Oh, yeah, they screwed right after Danny.

That's when that all started up again.

Again? Gross!

- You know what though? - What?

I don't really care.

I had some sexy sex myself.

Mom.

Years of his bullshit,

I deserve a little something for myself.

I deserve to orgasm multiple times.

That's nice, I'm glad.

What's wrong with your face?

Nothing, what's wrong with yours?

- Are you hurt. - Car accident,

I'm fine.

What is happening?

What is all of this?

Crafts.

We're doing crafts.

Car accident?

Yeah, what kind of crafts?

I'm ripping shit up.

Mom decided to repurpose my anniversary gift to you guys.

Are you drunk?

Yep.

Cool, I'm going to go.

No, no, no, honey, don't go, don't go, don't go, no, no.

I have had the shittiest day, okay?

And I can already tell by this situation

it's just going to get ten times...

Can we, can we talk before you go?

Like outside?

Why?

Fine.

Katy?

What?

Be nice to your sister.

God.

Should we go out there?

Yeah, they'll take care of it.

Jesus!

Why did you do that?

Because I am riled up

and I don't want to take it out on you.

You can yell at me if that'll make you feel better.

It won't!

That's crazy what you just did.

You need an ice pack?

You look like shit.

No.

What happened to the car?

Gone.

Job gone.

Quite the day.

Yeah.

I really fucked it all up, huh?

Oh, screw the job.

You hated that job.

No, like,

I fucked it up.

Us.

Yeah.

Yes.

Can we...?

Can we talk about last night?

I would rather not.

It's the holidays and...

I'm a mess.

It was so much better before Danny.

We peppered a few good years in there.

I hate the holidays

Oh, me too.

I don't think Christmas will ever feel right again.

We don't have to do this, okay?

Kaitlin, I feel really messed up.

Okay.

So you've said.

I want to be able to tell you those things

- because I feel like if Danny... - I know.

...could've told us...

I know.

I hate pretending we're okay.

I know.

I hate that he's...

That he's, uh...

It's not your fault, you know that.

Yeah.

You don't believe that.

I don't remember liking myself.

Isn't that sad?

Yeah.

Ugh, I just want to run away from everything!

I woke up this morning and I know

that I'm on this path.

This very clear and very thought out path, like...

I carved the shit out of this path.

It is my path and I don't...

I don't want it anymore.

So don't go down that path.

I broke up with Patrick.

Good.

He was the worst.

He wore an apron.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Oh, Jesus.

I look like a cow, get rid of that.

Oh, I think you look good in this.

- Oh, fat, I hate that. - Cute, so cute.

- Look at that little... - It is not

- cute. - Flower pattern.

It's irresistible.

Not little.

Oh, I need to clean this up.

- God, the Andersons are truly the worst. - Mm-hmm.

Dad fucked that lady.

Gross.

I know.

Poor Mom.

Whatever, Mom's been banging Dad's trainer.

Ray?

Uh-huh. Yeah,

her massages have been ending happily.

Oh.

Crazy.

He's like way young.

So?

Mom's hot.

How long has that been going on?

I have no idea.

I'm going to go take care of that.

What, what?

Whoa.

Oh.

Nice toss!

I fucking hate the holidays!

Yeah, they suck!

I'm glad you got off that path.

- Yeah. - It was a really shitty path.

Thanks.

I'll be better, Kath.

I can be better.

I think I have to leave you.

You know that I do.

Oh.

I do love you, you know.

I know.

I love you too.

It doesn't mean we should be together.

Hi.

Are you okay, Dad?

You want a cigarette?

Or a bullet.

Don't be melodramatic.

Disgusting habit.

I know.

Hey, I know something that might

make you feel a little better.

Ready?

A drive.

A drive to clear your head.

In your POS car?

Yeah.

You totaled the nice one, so yeah.

Take it or leave it.

Ow.

Hey, are you hungry?

I could eat.

Waffles?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, just give me one minute though.

One sec.

Be back in a bit, guys.

Love you!

Now we can go.

You are such a goober.

Yeah, I get it from my old man.

Yeah, you do.

My old, old, old man.

- I really do want a waffle. - Yeah.

Please don't break my car.

Oh, it stinks in here.

- It smells like your puke. - Oh,

God, I didn't know it smelled that bad.

You puked a lot last night.

I don't think you understand.

- All right. - It was a lot.

You know, is this safe now?

- Yes. - I have to concentrate.

- Holy... - It's fine.

- Okay, it's my turn! - Oh, my God!

Okay, easy!

Oh, my God, okay!

Easy on the accelerator!

That's the breaks!

Oh, my God.

Where's the clutch?

There is no clutch,

it's an automatic.

What? Ah,

come on!