All language subtitles for Free.Lunch.Express.2020.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO-HI

[Nature Sounds]

Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

[classical music playing]

[chuckles] Oh my goodness.

Oh, hello. Welcome. I'm just
reading this remarkable story about

you know, the man here,
the man of the hour.

I guess it's true, fact can be
sometimes stranger than fiction.

[chuckles] Dear old Bernie. What a
story, want to hear it? Oh, why not?

What else are you going to do
for the next hour or so.

Once upon a time,

in the land of the free
and the home of the brave,

came a man who thought capitalism was,
oh, so great. In a country much blessed,

he was very unimpressed.
Believing the prosperous to be evil,

he devised a plan of upheaval.

"Free stuff for all," he opined,
"On the taxpayer's dime."

And thinking himself quite clever
and grand, he attempted to become

leader of the land.

Come with me and as we go on,

you'll see exactly
what could go wrong. Oh, Bernie.

[chuckles]
Bless his cotton socks.

[upbeat rock music]

[plane whooshing]

[mediator] Bernie, what can you tell
us about Hillary's email controversy?

Do you agree with the Republican's
call for your opponent to be locked up?

[voice] Go for it.
Go for the jugular, buddy.

You could take Hillary out
once and for all.

You can be president.
You can be president.

- [mediator] Bernie.
- Huh?

Bernie, your response.

All I've got to say about that
is the American people

are sick and tired
of hearing about her emails.

[crowd cheering]

[cackling]

Oh, crap.

- [cackling]
- [eerie music]

Crap! Crap!

[clears throat]

[crowd chanting] Hillary!

Oh, crap.

Hi, sweetie,
go wash up for dinner.

Wait a second. Stop. stop.

Oh my God. Bernard, another
black eye what happened?

- Nothing.
- Harris Todd steal your lunch money again?

- I will go to that school. I will break his little fingers.
- I don't want to talk about it.

You never want to talk about it.

[door slams shut]

[patriotic anthem music]

What's going to
become of our Bernie?

What? Easy, easy, easy. Come on.
What? He'll find his way.

No, no, no.
I'm serious about this.

Is he going to be a doctor? No!

Is he going to be
a shrewd lawyer? [laughs]

- What are the chances?
- What? Come on. Come on.

Wait. Do you think he'll be
a prosperous businessman.

- It's never gonna happen!
- You don't know that!

I'm sick and tired of rich kids

like Harris Todd
stealing my lunch!

Let's face facts.
Darcy, let's face facts.

Bernie hasn't been the same since
he became interested in cloning.

Oh, stop it. You're obsessed with the
Communism. As far as I'm concerned,

- I think he's on to something.
- All right, at this juncture,

he'll be lucky if he becomes
a pharmacist or even

a soda jerk for that matter.

From now on, I get the lunches.

I'm ready, Comrade Stalin.
I'm ready.

If you want to have a doctor, well, maybe
we should think about having more kids.

Huh.

We could do that.

[distant chattering]

- Come here. Come on, the hands.
- Okay, you and your hands. Oh my God. No!

I totally pledge with this
blood oath to dedicate my life

to never picking up
a dinner check,

never donating to charity, like
in the glorious Soviet Union.

Making sure the government
pays for everything.

And I mean everything.

[music intensifies]

Oh my God,
you're like an animal.

- [unintelligible chatter]
- Ow!

Get your hands off of me!

Ow! Owee!

Oh my God, stop it!

- [groans]
- [body thuds]

[patriotic anthem music]

[unintelligible chatter]

[filmmaker]
Five alpha, take one, mark one.

I have to say, bullying
Bernie was problematic.

But he was prone to fainting which
needless to say made it very difficult

to shake him down
for lunch money.

Because you know once I, uh,

confronted him, he did pass out
right there on the playground.

Now that I think about it, uh,

I fully believe
that was a tactic.

What he lacked in intelligence,

he made up with sloth.

Know our first date?

I paid for the movie
and the popcorn,

and he said is it... [bleep]

Oh. Pff!

No.

I don't know why
you have to go up to Vermont.

It's a godforsaken place where
there are more cows than people.

An eagle has to soar, Ma.

- So, there's a pigeon.
- Technically pigeons don't actually soar,

they just sort of flap their wings
around for short periods of time!

- Spitting hairs.
- Freida says that they don't have a synagogue

- in the entire state!
- Did Freida also tell you that Vermont has some of

the most lenient welfare
qualifications in the country?

Let the boy go, Dorothy.

He's eating us
out of house and home.

[crying]

- I'm gonna miss you.
- Ma.

- Dorothy.
- All right, Ma.

Dorothy! Come here, you.

Son, just one
little piece of advice.

- Yeah?
- Watch out for those mountain women,

- they'll break you in half.
- Mountain women. Okay, thanks, Pa.

[mother] Bernard, wait.

I found these under your bed. It gets cold
in Vermont. I figured you could use them.

Okay. Thanks, Mom.

[bus humming]

[radio chatter]

[man snoring]

[yawning loudly]

George Washington?
What are you doing here?

It was either me or Jefferson,
and I drew the short straw.

But why?

You are... you need to
get your mind right.

- It's not too late.
- Okay. My mind is perfectly fine.

- Thank you very much.
- That's exactly what Benedict Arnold said.

- What are you insinuating?
- Bernie.

This country was founded on the principles
of freedom, equality and prosperity.

America is
The shining city on the hill.

It's a beacon of opportunity
for we, the people...

Woah. By we, the people,
do you mean the wealthy one percent

or the evil corporations?

Believe it or not Bernie,
one day...

you're gonna be a one percent.

- Really?
- Mm.

No, I mean, that's bad.

That's... that's very bad. Then
I'm going to change it to being

the one tenth of one percent.

Look, I've got to get
to another dream for this

- Cherokee woman named Elizabeth who's about to apply to Harvard.
- Right on.

You can still turn back.
It's not too late.

Nah. Sorry,
but I got a blood pact

with another founding father
from a different country.

Hey, I know all about your Joseph
Stalin, the man who killed

20 million of his own
countrymen in the name

- of Socialism and really...
- That number seems a little bit high to me.

Also, it's Communism
not Socialism, by the way.

[chuckles] Your intransigence
will define you.

[upbeat rock music]

[yawning]

♪ Move to the suburbs? ♪

Bombing moved out of state.

Gone gone to the next world.

Just.

Headed to Vermont?

- Why are you off to Vermont, pal?
- I don't know.

- I'd rather not say.
- Well...

I'm gonna say you're headed

to Vermont for the easy
wealthy payments.

Am I right?
'Cause you know what, pal?

You've got welfare cheat
written all over you.

If you must know, I've gone to Vermont
to be part of the utopian commune

- in the same vein as the Soviet Union.
- [chuckles]

All right, old pal,
you know what?

I might not speak French, but I can
understand bullshit when I hear it, eh?

Let me be perfectly clear.
There's nothing wrong with Communism.

Oh, right oh. The fourth
Marx brother then now, are we?

Well, actually, there were four Marx
brothers, so technically speaking

if I was an extra brother,
I'd be the fifth Marx brother.

Whatever, pal. You're
a bit of a joker either way.

And why, pray tell are you going
to the Green Mountain State?

For real, I'm not
clipping the government.

I'm clipping sheep.

What's the difference?

[bouncy classical music]

[Bernie]
Hello, Mother. Hello, Father.

Here I am at Camp Granola.

Camp is not so super gripping.
But I think I'll have some fun.

When I stop tripping. I did
mushrooms with Jill Spivey.

She developed poison ivy.

[flame crackling]

[glass rattling]

- Sanders, we need to have a discussion.
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

- What is it Miss, Qin?
- Have I or have I not asked you multiple times

to clean
the downstairs bathroom?

I seem to recall you mentioning
something about that in passing.

However, I'm certain there are
other members of this commune

that are more qualified for
that particular job than me.

[chuckling]

I'm trying to stay
centered here,

but it seems
pretty obvious to me

that you don't
get what a commune is.

Madame, I assure you that I am familiar
with the concept of the collective.

No, no, we divvy up all the household chores
to maintain our existence and we share all

material goods for the betterment of
all, we're creating a Utopia.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I read the brochure.
- [scoffs]

[whispers]

And speaking of sharing. Why
are you bogarting your stash?

That is a totally
false accusation.

I want everyone to be
as high as I am

or possibly even higher.

We found this
under a rock in the backyard.

LSD, psilocybin,
Thai sticks. Primo shit, Bernie.

I swear to you,
that is not mine.

Oh. And we found this picture of
you stashing it under the rock!

- That could be anybody.
- Oh, really? Well, it looks like you.

- Look at that hair.
- Okay, I'll come clean.

Yeah, that's me. But I swear to you, I was
just holding on to that stuff for a friend.

- [laughing]
- You are so screwed.

- [sheep bleating]
- [glass banging]

- Did I mention that I had a blood pact with Stalin?
- Congratulations.

[bouncy classical music]

[Bernie grunts]

Ouch!

What a bastard. [chuckles]

[filmmaker] All right, 30 seconds,
scene 10, take two, slap sticks.

Bernie Sanders. [chuckles]

Where do I start?

[upbeat rock music]

[sparklers sparking]

Well, for one thing, he really enjoyed
doing things with other people's money.

Like the one time he organized
a big May Day celebration.

He collected five dollars
from everyone in the commune

for what he said would be a big feast
followed by some mind-blowing fireworks.

But what did we get?

[sighs] Some really
bad borscht and burning.

On the front lawn.

In a loincloth.

And something just
that I can never unsee

were some really
lame sparklers, okay?

It still messes
with my head to this day.

Dude. [chuckles]

All I gotta say is...

can you really trust
a man that bogarts?

Think about it, man. [chuckles]

Think about it.

[upbeat rock music]

- Pig!
- I'm definitely feeling oppressed here.

I still can't imagine how this guy
became a United States Senator.

I guess failing upward
is a thing in Vermont.

[gentle music]

[man chuckling]
Oh, man.

Next.

[man continues chuckling]

- [loud laughter]
- Do you mind?

- [laughing]
- Excuse me.

I'm not a big fan
of public displays of laughter.

- I find that to be very off-putting.
- What's your problem, pal?

I'm working on an excuse for
Why an able-bodied man has been

unemployed for 20 years,
and your laughter is

a little distracting.
Like, what's your angle?

- Angle?
- Yeah, you know, to get the check.

I was... I was a foreman of the papers
in the factory that just shut down.

I worked there since I graduated high
school and I got two kids in college.

- So, pff. Here I am.
- They're never gonna buy that.

- You got anything else?
- [laughing]

Have you tried,
death of a loved one?

Yeah, more times than I can count.
I'm actually running out of loved ones.

I guess that didn't take long.

- Next.
- [man clears throat]

An unemployable guy
with no sense of humor.

- You should try politics.
- [bell dings]

Like this guy. He made $100,000
just by running for office.

- That's impressive.
- Yeah, he ran for Attorney General of Pennsylvania.

He raised $100,000
for his campaign.

That's... yeah.

- [bell dinging]
- Next!

Yeah, but the rub is,
he only spent

$20,000 on his campaign
and he freaking lost.

- Hey.
- So?

So? He got to eat the leftovers.

Look at the swimming pool
in his house. Right?

Look at his swimming pool.
Not bad, huh?

- [bell dinging]
- Tell you what,

politicians,
they got a license to steal

and there's no heavy lifting.

- [bell dinging]
- Next!

- You're up.
- Are you finished with that?

- Yeah.
- Thank you very much...

- Sure.
- ...kind sir.

- Anytime.
- [bell dinging]

- Next!
- Ah, we got a bitch.

Are you kidding?

Have you had any work
in the past 30 days?

Just a little light carpentry. However,
I'm also trying my hand at writing.

What kind of writing?

Adult situational erotica,
like Anais Nin?

- Any income from this writing?
- Not yet.

However, I've got a bondage fantasy
piece that's getting a lot of interest.

- [man laughing]
- Gross.

Thank you.

♪ Well, let me tell you
a little something about me ♪

♪ Ready Saturday night I need ♪

♪ To blow off some steam ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[upbeat rock and roll]

Sanders, your banned
till you pay your tax.

No, good news, good news,
I can pay, see?

You know damn well it's illegal
for bars to cash welfare checks.

I prefer to call it
temporary public assistance.

That you're on permanently.
The answer's still no.

Fine. Good day to you, sir.

- Hey.
- So we were just discussing the best ways to, uh...

- stick it to the man.
- Guys, guys, guys.

- I have it all figured out.
- Yeah, you say that every time you get your welfare check.

Hey, I prefer to call it
temporary public assistance,

which by the way, is the right
of every human being.

[chuckles] Sure,
Bernie, whatever.

No, I'm being serious.

We need to become...

politicians.

[all laughing]

Hey. All we've been talking about
are ways to take down the man.

Why the hell would
we want to become the mayor?

Just think about
the Trojan horses.

- Horse condoms.
- No.

Are you not talking about
equine prophylactic.

The Trojan Horse.

The Trojans built a horse to sneak into
the city of Troy. Look, never mind.

The point is that if we want
to stick it to the man,

we have to get inside
the gates of power.

[snaps fingers]

What's the plan?

Simple. We create our own party.

And then we start
running for office.

Doesn't running for election
cost big bucks, man?

That's the beauty of it.

We get people to donate
to our campaigns,

then after we lose, we can use the
rest of the money for whatever we want.

It's all right there.

[Peter] So, what are we going to
call this new political party?

The Soviet Union party, SUP.

It's catchy don't you think.

You think that in the middle
of the Cold War

- people are going to warm up to a name like that?
- All right. All right.

Then what's your brilliant idea,
Mr. horse condoms?

- Drop the Soviet.
- [woman] Ooh.

- But that's the best part.
- No.

Something Union...
the something, you need that something.

- People's Union.
- The People's Union? Poo.

Nah. That's no good.
No, that stinks.

How about a bait-and-switch.

- Liberty Union Party.
- Liberty Union Party?

"Hi. I'm from the Liberty Union Party.
Give your donations to the Liberty...

to the Liberty Union Party."

"We're from
the Liberty Union Party."

It's not bad.

All right.

To the Liberty Union Party.

- [all] Woo!
- I got dibs on governor.

[reporter] Democrat Thomas Salmon
wins the Vermont Governor's

race with 54% of the vote.

- Hmm.
- Republican Luther Hackett

was second with 44% of the vote.

- Not bad.
- And Liberty Union candidate Bernie Sanders

with a very, very distant third,

with less than
one percent of the vote.

[laughing]

- You want another beer?
- Giddy-up.

- Right.
- Oh, hey.

- Oh.
- [Bernie chuckles]

When you have a chance, could we

get a couple more drinks?

Yeah. Oh, hey,
did you win your race?

- No. It was close.
- At least you're trying, right?

Yeah.

[slow jazzy music]

[soft singing]

[bowling pins knocking]

Um, I'll have Alex send
a couple beers.

Okay. [chuckles]

Hey.

That waitress, huh?

Yeah. I don't know, Bernie.

Maybe this wasn't, uh, such a good idea.
Kind of got our asses handed to us.

Are you kidding me? While
drinking on campaign donations.

- We'd be nuts to stop now.
- [barman] Sanders, pay your tab.

There you go.
My tab paid in full.

And there's an extra five

- in there for you, my good man.
- Five dollars.

Yep. That's what the Liberty Union party
is all about, helping the working man.

Oh, yeah? Well, this working man's
going to take this five dollars

and buy that house
on Lake Champlain

- I've always dreamed about.
- Hey, good for you.

Jesus.

- Are we gonna smoke that or what?
- Yeah, you got a lighter?

- No.
- Got any matches?

[chuckles] Oh my goodness.

Bernie and his pals
ran for every office

from Cemetery Commissioner to
Governor every election cycle.

Hello, miss? No?

[narrator]
And as Chaucer said

in The Tale of Melibee,

"Familiarity breeds contempt."

[upbeat music]

And for a Frenchman,
he was spot on.

The more Bernie and his radical
buddies ran for office...

- [Bernie grunts]
- [bell dings]

[woman] Next!

...the worse they did.

[elevator music]

Good day.

So.

There I was standing
on the street corner.

A public thoroughfare,
by the way.

- My leg! Ooh!
- [laughter]

- [grunting] My leg! Anyone?
- [car beeping]

And I was knocked to the ground
because of my political beliefs.

Do you know the penalties for
filing a fault workers comp claim?

Is it bad?

If you like spending
three years in the slammer...

- not so bad.
- Three years?

There's an echo in here?

I'm cured! It's a miracle.

There you go. There you go.
Merry Christmas to you.

Ah. Please. Bernie was left
once again to ponder his future.

But as quick as you can say Jerry
Garcia, the perpetually unemployed

Bernie made friends with some once
and future ice cream entrepreneurs.

Next election...

I'm gonna run for senate.
I'm thinking...

that the Liberty Union Party having
a candidate for the Federal Office

will at least double
the campaign contributions.

Well, failing upwards
is an American birthright.

Yeah, man, one word,
Ted Kennedy.

So can I put you guys
down for contributions?

Look, man,
we've got ice cream to make.

Yeah, man.
And flavors to invent.

Almost forgot to tell you.

I met a woman who has
agreed to marry me.

I'm Santa Claus.

- Ho-ho-ho!
- No, seriously.

We're going to Moscow
on our honeymoon.

[Ben]
Oh, Moscow. Really?

You sure you don't want
to just go to Youngstown?

Youngstown? Eugh.

Seeing Moscow has always been...
my lifelong dream.

[Ben]
Well, good luck with that.

Expensive ice cream, as if
that will ever catch on.

Oh, man, I could go for
some ice cream right now.

[narrator] And so, Bernie and the nice
waitress from the bar got married,

and off they went.

[playful yelping]

And their honeymoon
was blissful by all accounts.

[planes whooshing]

No, not to the Caribbean.

No, not to Mexico,
not to Cancun.

[jaunty music]

To Moscow!

So... want to...

- rock the casbah?
- No, thank you.

- Come on, please.
- Honey, since we have been here, all we have done

are visit the tombs of Lenin and
Stalin where you weep uncontrollably.

- But I told you that those guys are my heroes.
- Be that as it may,

it's not exactly the kind of thing
that puts a woman in the mood.

You're kidding me,
seeing the open caskets

of embalmed communists doesn't
get your juices flowing?

Because it sure does
for me, baby. Come on.

May I please have
the toilet paper?

Fine.

[sighs]

- How much you gonna need?
- Just give me the damn roll!

Wait.

- Can we at least pretend to have relations?
- What?

They're listening.

[radio static]

And I want to make a good
impression on the comrades.

When we get back,
I am filing for divorce!

[radio static]

Oh, you still want it? Well,
yeah, we can... we can do that.

[upbeat music]

What? Oh, yeah.

[radio static whirring]

Yeah, do you like that?

Here we go. Come on.

Yeah. Yeah. There it is.

There it is. Oh.
There it is. Come on.

Just a little bit.
Just a little bit.

Yeah, just a little.
Oh, a little more.

Yeah. Harder.
Harder. Okay. Harder.

Good. Give it to me.
That's good.

Yeah. Yeah. There it is.
Yeah, come on. Dammit, that's good.

That's good. Yeah, there it is.
I like it. Yeah.

There it is. Hold on. Hold on!

There it is! Good!
Yeah! Yeah! Ah!

Yes!

[slapping]

[springs squeaking]

[slow motion voice]

That man...

is freak.

[slow motion grunting]

Da.

[grunting loudly]

Her toilet paper needs
were extremely excessive.

So, what's next, man?

Well... I've been submitting my short
story to a number of publishers.

- [clapping]
- Author. Author.

Simon Schuster or Random House.

Um...

- not exactly.
- What if the rating thing doesn't work out?

I have every confidence
that it will.

Why don't you set your
sight a little lower.

Lower than writing porn? Because I feel
like that's pretty sufficiently low.

- I'm, uh... talking about your political gig.
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, that's... that's... that's what I was talking about too.
- Oh.

Instead of running
for governor or senator,

why don't you try something more
local, like school board or...

Or, I'm just spitballing
here, man, but mayor.

Chunky monkey.

Hey, calm down,
Jerry, calm down.

Chunky monkey, Chunky monkey.

What do overweight primates
have to do with anything?

- Just coming up with a new flavor banana ice cream.
- Chunky monkey.

Good boy, hey, good boy.

Hey, if you want to run for Mayor, we
could put a petition in the ice cream shop.

[narrator] And then Ben and...
or Jerry gave Bernie the most

unfortunate of ideas.

Mayor, huh?

[chuckling]

Ice cream for monkeys.

[radio host] And like Daisy Duck
and Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse

was never actually married
to Mickey Mouse

and now you know the rest...

That's interesting,
I didn't know that.

Hi, this is Burlington Mayor,
Gordon Paquette.

It's been my pleasure to serve
you for the past decade.

[mocking] "It's been my pleasure
to serve you for the decade."

[Gordon] We've come a long way,
but there's more to do.

I hope I can count on your vote on
Tuesday, so we can keep making

Burlington
the biggest city in Vermont.

"I hope I can count
on your vote on Tuesday."

- [voice] Bernie!
- "Biggest city in Vermont." La-di-da.

- [voice] Bernie!
- [radio frequency whirring]

- Comrade Stalin, is that you?
- [Stalin] Oh.

- [car tires screeching]
- [cat meowing]

- But how?
- [Stalin] Air time is surprisingly expensive.

Even in your little Vermont.

- So, listen up.
- Oh, yeah. I'm all ears.

[Stalin] Yes, sadly, this is
your order number 227.

Order 227? Isn't that
a little drastic?

[Stalin]
You must win mayor election.

The guy in there now,
he's pretty solid.

[Stalin] They're traitors,
panic makers and cowards

will be liquidated
on the spot order 227.

- [radio static]
- Comrade?

- [music playing on radio]
- Hello?

I'm so...

[bell dings]

- Hmm?
- Good day.

I'd like to get my name on the
ballot for the next mayor election.

Mayoral.

- Excuse me?
- It's not mayor election.

- It is mayoral election.
- I stand corrected.

- I bet that happens to you often.
- Not if I'm sitting down,

You know, stand corrected,
sitting down?

Not a fan of
public laughter, okay.

So, are these signatures real

or are they just people
you buy or sell dope from?

Well, both. [chuckles]

- What party?
- Communist.

Oh. Not a lot of commies
elected in Vermont lately,

- but hey, it's your funeral.
- No, wait, wait, wait, um, socialist.

Um...

in... independent?

[upbeat music]

And only because you
don't have a snowball's

- chance in hell of ever being elected.
- Right on!

Vote for me!

God help us all.

[narrator] And Bernie caught
lightning in a bottle.

[dog growls]

Gordon Paquette had been
a very popular Democrat mayor

of Burlington forever and didn't
take Bernie seriously.

I mean, who would.

If you're in there,
you should vote for me!

[narrator]
A vote here. A vote there.

Oh my. [laughs] Uh-oh.

All right, I'm just gonna
leave this outside for you.

Mr. Sanders. Oh, no. No, no, no.

Not in the middle of the day,
the lights are on. What's gotten into you?

[narrator] Bingo bango.
And at the age of 40,

Bernie Sanders had his first
full-time paying job, mayor.

♪ Won't you take me to
Funky Town ♪

♪ Won't you take me to
Funky Town ♪

- What media outlet did you say it's from again?
- [woman] Teen Vogue.

Teen Vogue? You're French.
That's excellent. Vive La révolucion.

- [woman] What?
- Never mind. What do you want? What are the questions?

[woman] If you were a tree,
what kind of tree would you be?

If I was a tree?
What is that, a trick question?

There's a lot of
trees out there.

- Lemon tree.
- [woman] Why?

Like Peter, Paul
and the other one said,

there's a lot of lessons you can
learn from a lemon tree because...

lemon tree very pretty and
the flower, oh so sweet, but...

the fruit of the poor
lemon tree is impossible to eat.

[woman]
What does that even mean?

Well, the pretty flower
represents the working man.

And the lemon, the bitter
taste of capitalism.

Lemon tree, final answer.

[TV jingle]

[elevator music]

Good day, I'm here to
pick up my pay check.

- What are you getting paid for?
- For being mayor... of Burlington.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

This isn't going to
bounce, is it?

[chuckles] Not if people
pay their taxes, no.

[chuckles] Rest assured.

Taxes... will be paid.

Wonderful.

Just wonderful. Just...

- [door closes]
- ...wonderful.

My constituents,

as your elected representative,

I can assure you labors rights,
managements rights...

I'm strictly neutral.

[TV chatter continues]

Mr. Mayor, how's it hanging?

Uh, low and loose. Hazel!

- Your secretary?
- That's right.

She said to tell you
she went to lunch.

Well, as soon as she gets back,

you can go ahead and make an
appointment with her to see me

because as you know,
my door is always open.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a very important
mayor business to attend to.

[grunts]

Something on your mind?

- Is it true what they say?
- Depends on what they're saying.

What are they saying?

You got one of them blood pacts
with that Chinaman,

- Mao Zebradong.
- Mao? No, I assure you, sir,

that I have a blood pact with a
completely different communist.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
now that we sorted that out,

I have mayor business
to attend to.

- Parking ticket?
- Good eye.

I assure you, I am far too busy
to deal with things like this.

The last guy had plenty of time to
take care of these particular matters.

- So what? That was him, this is me.
- And how long was he mayor?

I don't know, a long time.

- All right, I'll take a look at it.
- Much appreciated.

All right.
Now, if you'll excuse me.

[TV chatter continues]

Hazel, no more
constituents today.

[light dramatic music]

[narrator] Bernie is now the mayor
of the biggest city in Vermont.

If you consider 40,000 people
big, he was making bank.

[murmured whispers]

Sales tax...

[mumbles]

[narrator] All was not
right in Bernieville.

[thunder rolling]

Commander Stalin.

You were expecting Avon lady?

Bernie, being mayor of
a small city is peanuts.

You can do better.

What could be
better than being Mayor.

If I could kill 20 million
of my countrymen,

the least you could do is get
your sorry butt to Washington.

Washington... D.C.?

No, Washington, Iowa.
Of course Washington, D.C.

Now get your ass to Washington
and do what you said you would do.

- We have a blood oath.
- Yeah.

How?

How?

- [Stalin] Blood oath!
- How?

- How?
- [girl screaming]

I'm going to run for Congress.

Sexual Congress? Pretty sure you
don't have to run for that, man.

- Unless you're desperate.
- [Bernie] What?

[coughs] No.

United States Congress. Damn it.

Oh, I don't know
about that, Bernie.

How about you call me Mr. Mayor,
because you know,

- people are calling me that nowadays.
- [Jerry] Wavy gravy.

Wavy... gravy.

- We gonna do something about that?
- Wavy gravy!

- It's his process, man.
- Alright, alright. So, where are we on me running for Congress.

Oh, I don't know, the Republican
that's in there right now

- is pretty solid.
- Solid shmolid.

Why you so hot about it, man?

Last night I got a visit

from Ioseb Besarionis
dze Jughashvili.

- Please don't tell me you're talking to Stalin again!
- Shh. Not so loud.

- Okay. Okay.
- Did you know

that congressmen make
$74,000 a year?

- They get a huge expense account.
- Dude.

Right... Mr. Mayor. Please.

- You in it for the money or to help the people, man?
- Wavy gravy.

Wavy gravy.

Wavy gravy. Wavy Gravy!

Damn it, Jerry. You said you
weren't gonna drop acid again, man!

Why can't it be about the money
and help with the oppressed?

Because they can't
exist together.

- [Jerry chuckles]
- [Bernie] Hey, vote for me. Come on.

[narrator] Like a menu
in a Chinese restaurant,

Bernie took
a little from column A

and B, and he ran for congress.

- Care to buy a poppy?
- Oh, no, no. I'm not a big believer in terrorists.

But, uh, however, I do like poppies
for, uh, for other reasons.

You do understand you can't smoke these
poppies, because I get that a lot.

Oh, my mistake. Well then...

good luck to you
and your needy people, sir.

- [microphone feedback]
- I promise that if you elect me to represent you in Washington,

I will force all wealthy people to pay
at least 100% of their income in taxes

and also make them work in factories
or possibly even salt mines.

Are there any questions?

- I was told there would be donuts.
- No, there are no donuts.

Any other questions?

Okay.

- So, did you enjoy my speech?
- It was okay, I guess.

- [loud snoring]
- Then perhaps you'd like to come over to my walk-up apartment

and check out my copy of Das Kapital?
It's a first edition.

Yeah, you gotta be kidding me.

- What did you think of my speech?
- [snoring]

Okay.

[upbeat music]

[reporter] Polls just in
for the congressional race puts

Republican Peter Smith at 72%.

Burlington Mayor
Bernie Sanders at 15%.

And I Don't Remotely
Care at 10%.

Look, it's not that I don't agree
with your position on the issue,

but I think you might want to consider
toning down the rhetoric about

rounding up rich people
to work in the salt mines.

Wait, so you're saying that people don't
want the rich working in salt mines?

- Pretty much. Yeah.
- Playing the happy game.

At least you're polling a little
higher than I Don't Remotely Care.

Guys, what am I gonna do? I gave up
the mayor's job to run for Congress.

There's always your
porn writing career and

- public assistance.
- Territory you know well.

Ice cream man is right.
Always go with your strong suit.

[voice] Bernie.

[dramatic musical sting]

[murmuring]

- Bernie!
- [gasps]

Yes. Yes, Commissar.

- You have a higher calling, my son.
- What is it?

- What is my higher calling?
- It rhymes with "battery."

Cattery?

Cattery?

- Cattery?
- I don't even have any cats, I'm allergic.

Anarchy.

Your higher calling is anarchy

and taking down
capitalism. Sheesh!

No disrespect but, uh...

battery doesn't exactly
rhyme with anarchy, so...

- You dare to question me?
- No, I'm...

- You want to go to Gulag?
- I don't want to go to Gulag.

- You are going to be in Gulag so fast.
- Please don't put me in Gulag.

- Don't... don't want to be in Gulag.
- [music intensifies]

[Ben]
Dude. Are you okay?

Yeah. [grunts]

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Massive flashback.

- Cool.
- Yeah, what were we talking about?

What you're going
to do next, man.

Right.

So, what is it,
back to the writing thing?

Yeah. Um, yeah, I do love
that bondage fantasy piece

that people seem to really like.

There you go. Fly, Bernie.

- [mimics soaring] Fly.
- Yeah.

[narrator] But fate
intervened and Bernie didn't

need to rely on writing porn.

So there was an assassination
attempt on President Reagan.

And in the ensuing backlash,
Congress proposed gun control called

the Brady Bill. The incumbent
Vermont Congressman,

a republican no less,
voted for the bill.

♪ This is my country
my damn country ♪

♪ Give me my country
you can keep the rest ♪

♪ This is my country
my damn country ♪

♪ And that don't mean a thing
if you don't pass the test ♪

♪ If you ain't never cheated
I've been cheated on ♪

♪ Then take off your boots
you rhinestone frog ♪

[upbeat country music]

[gun firing]

[bullets clinking]

[gun cocks]

In fact, Vermonters love
their guns, even the hippies.

And they're not inclined to vote
for someone who wants to restrict

their second amendment
rights. Quite right.

Yee-haw!

I sure do love guns.

- Woo! Woo-hoo!
- [gun firing]

♪ So then it don't mean a thing
if it don't pass the test ♪

♪ If you ain't never
spent a single night in jail ♪

♪ Then get another job
and I'll see you in hell ♪

♪ I'm drawn like a moth
to the neon lights ♪

♪ I need a packet of beer
and someone to fight ♪

♪ Don't call yourself country
'cause your music is shitty ♪

♪ Or this Carolina boy will
take you down to Fear City ♪

♪ You know who you are
I ain't gonna name names ♪

♪ Just keep your hands off my country
and go back from where you came ♪

Well, you know,
you get the picture.

Bernie frigging Sanders becomes
a United States Congressman.

Woah! Let's all
dance to that one.

Yes. Think about it. Congressman
Sanders, let it sink in.

So.

What's the Washington plan, man?

Well, I'm thinking
that I lay low.

Wait for the country to
come unravelled economically.

And then launch my plan
with Soviet-style Socialism.

- Communism.
- Socialism.

I thought we've been talking about
from each according to their ability,

- to each according to their need.
- No.

come on, man. It's all about the
redistribution of wealth, man.

I mean, we've been
talking about this for a while.

- No, Ben, trust me on this one.
- Don't cave into the establishment.

Trust me on this one.
If we call it Communism,

then all the people that
we're trying to quietly co-opt

are gonna go running
for the hills.

Okay, but aren't Vermonters

gonna expect you to pass
legislation in the meantime?

Vermonters think that I'm a gun guy.
So that's gonna buy me plenty of time.

Shotgun sherbert.

- So, guys.
- [Ben] Yeah.

Come here.

Yeah.

[grunts] Yeah.

So. Now that
I'm a congressman...

how about a little...

- consideration.
- Consideration?

Yeah, you know, just a little
bit of cash to help with

the expenses moving
to Washington.

Bernie, doesn't
the government pay for that?

Well, yeah, but you know,

this isn't that.

You know, I may be
in a position...

where I could help two certain ice
cream manufacturers with some, you know,

certain national
distribution issues.

- Is this a shakedown?
- Shakedown sorbet.

No, it's just a little...
consideration.

Well, then... I'll consider it.

Cool. Yeah. Okay.

Well, as you guys know,
I hate rich people.

- Man.
- I hate rich people. Not that you guys are rich.

Don't make me hate you too.

- Look for a wavy gravy container in your mailbox.
- Good. Good, very good. Good.

We've created a monster.

Yeah, monster marshmallow mash.

- [chuckles] Home run, man.
- Bro.

- Yeah.
- That turned the day around.

Yeah, it did.

[plane whooshing]

[groovy music]

[woman] Hey,
it's the commie from Vermont!

[man] Oh, hey, Bernie.

- What you writing?
- Just authoring some legislation.

- No, no, really, what you got there?
- No, come on, give it back.

Give it back!
Hey. Hey! That's important.

[chuckles] Whoa. "I held
her down and she resisted,

but I knew she wasn't into it."

Holy shit, your legislation
is a bondage fantasy?

[laughing]

You are gross, Sanders.

[laughter]

[woman] I'd like to
get me a piece of that.

[people laughing]

Someday I'm going
to be in charge.

Then you're going to be
first in the Gulag, first.

[eerie music]

- [blade slicing]
- Ow!

[sighs] This is no good,

when I'm looking at this,
it's not going to work.

I mean, we're polling
terrible with African Americans,

With the pipe fitters, and with
rational adults over the age of 30.

This is problem why?

Because the pipe fitters
are my pathway to victory.

Mm...

- We kill all pipe fitters.
- What?

Yeah. Round them up.
[mimics slicing]

Yeah, but they can't vote for me
if they're... [mimics slicing]

[laughs]

Of course dead men can vote.
Why you think your JFK becomes president?

Well, fair enough, but let's just...
let's put a pin in that for now.

- Or a six inch stiletto.
- Yeah. No, wait. No. No, no.

Just spitballing here.
Just spitballing here.

How about...

we round up all political
prisoners and put them in Gulag.

Um... I... I like
where you're heading.

However, let's... let's not put the prison
camps in front of the horse quite yet.

Hmm. Fine. Bernie knows best.

Yeah.

- [screaming]
- [guns firing]

[dramatic music]

[narrator] Feeling
lonely and disillusioned,

Bernie made friends with someone
who could help him with inclusion.

[serene music]

It's not easy being
the newbie, is it?

No. No, if I'm being
totally honest? No, it's not.

[chuckles]

You know...

Tom Foley made me do
a Kabuki dance in front of

the entire house leadership.
My freshman year.

One time I had to do an Irish
jig in front of the entire

Burlington Lions Club,
so, you know, I feel your pain.

- Things we have to do to get elected.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I like you, honey.

Where did you say
you were from again?

Vermont.
It's... it's, Bernie, by the way.

- Vermont?
- Yeah.

Where the hell is that?

It's basically East New York.

Do you? You really like me?

Let me give you
a little advice, Ernie.

Play your cards right
and you can do real well here.

- Yeah, how's that?
- Well... let's just say

I put down a down payment on a
kick-ass mansion in Los Angeles

with a damn fine swimming pool.

You know...

money is in the Senate.

Huh. How big is your mansion?

[upbeat music]

[narrator]
And Bernie would get his help.

Vermont's Republican Senator
decided not to run again.

Seeing an opening, Bernie ran for senate.
And despite not having passed

one single piece of
legislation as a congressman,

Bernie Sanders was elected
to the United States Senate.

Which begs the question,
are all Vermonters on drugs?

[fart noise]

[laughter]

Ha-ha!

Very mature.

[upbeat music]

[phone dial]

[phone ringing]

[electronic static]

- [electronic chime]
- [Bernie] Ooh!

[keyboard clacking]

Hi, my name is Jane.
My perfect man is someone

who would not want to be checking
all of his wife's bank forms

and accounting records and such
things, and is up for cashing in.

Not picky about looks
but a disheveled man

is a turn-on.

[computer clicking]

[fire whooshing]

And by the authority vested
in me by the state of Vermont,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Or whatever you identify as.

[whispering]

We're going with Manchurian
Candidate and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[narrator] Flush with marital
bliss, the new Mrs. Sanders

set out to do exactly
what her dating profile said.

She became the President of
Burlington College, and quickly put

the institution out of business.

Gross.

[kissing passionately]

[narrator] And fulfilling his
part of the Faustian bargain,

Bernie decided
to run for president.

I mean, why not?

And so today,

I announce my candidacy for

the office of
Chief amongst equals.

I mean, President
of the United States.

Woo! Presidential
pistachio pudding.

Oh! Ben, can you do
something about that?

- All you got to do is ask, man.
- [Bernie] Come on!

- Geez! Well, where was I?
- [man] Heads up!

Oh, geez. What's going on here?

Oh, lovely looking group here
this morning, really nice.

And by the way, if you can send a few dollars
to Bernie Sanders, I would appreciate it.

[upbeat music]

[plane whooshing]

[boat honking]

Morning, Seattle!

I want to thank you all
for being the most...

You better get up there, girl.

- Get up there and let him know!
- Black lives matter!

Black lives matter!

[Bernie]
Pretty damn good coffee too.

Progressive my ass.

You just as racist
as the rest of America.

We ain't doing
this today, Bernie.

- No?
- No, we're not listening to

no more kooky crap.

Black lives matter.

- I want my microphone back.
- No. It's a new day.

- Give me my microphone.
- Black lives matter!

[all] Black lives matter!

Black lives matter!

- Give me my microphone.
- Black lives matter!

Black lives matter, Bernie!

I paid for that microphone!

The taxpayers paid
for this microphone.

- No!
- Black lives matter!

Black lives matter!

[all] Black lives matter!
Black lives matter!

Black lives matter!
Black lives matter!

Black lives matter!
Black lives matter!

I'm thinking...
next time I use one of those

megaphones 'cause, you know,
the harder the steel. [chuckles]

You should have gotten
the damn mic back, Bernie!

In my defence, she was
a very large woman.

Look, I didn't sign up
to be first lady of loser!

Figure it out!

[narrator] Despite Bernie's rocky
start in his tenuous relationships with

the black community, lo and behold,
Bernie started to win primaries,

much to the consternation
of you know who.

So, what will it take for you to cool
your socialist jets and endorse me.

- I am not for sale.
- [cackling]

- Of course you are.
- She's negotiating,

and, ooh, that's hot.

- Don't you let her push you around, Bernie!
- Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.

- Huh?
- You're the media buyer for your husband's campaign, right?

- How do you know?
- Like all media buyers, you get ten percent of the ads

- you place.
- No comment.

Mr. Feel The Burn here has spent a
hundred million in placed ads so far.

- That's ten million in commissions.
- I'm not that good at math.

So, riddle me this, Jane,
what happened to your ten mil commission?

Is it buried under a rock in your
backyard next to your bogarted stash?

[chuckles nervously]

You can name your price
or you can be found by

the park police
next to the cannon.

Yeah, but that's the one,
that gets them every time.

This fosters the gift
that keeps on giving.

So, Comrade, what is it?

All right. All right.
Hypothetically speaking,

if there were a boss vacation
home at Lake Champlain

that should happen
to come our way,

just maybe, maybe, I don't know,
maybe I should retire to that place.

A lake house? That's it?

Really? Talk about a cheap date.

And we want an Audi
A8 sports car.

I'm sick and tired of driving
that piece of crap Prius.

That Audi is a bona fide
pussy magnet.

- Trust me. I got me one too.
- Shut up, Bill.

Sure enough. See, our
relationship is complicated.

I want an endorsement statement
from your campaign tomorrow.

- You'll get your endorsement when I see the goods.
- Don't mess with me, Bernie.

I will be President of all the
land, except for the deplorables.

And I will kick your little commie
ass from here to Des Moines.

And she will, if you don't
believe me, ask Joe Biden.

You'll make better care for all

part of your platform and
campaign in Wisconsin and Ohio.

Sure, Bernie, Whatever you say.

Whatever you say.

[dramatic choir music]

♪ I got a job in the valley
but today I didn't go ♪

[upbeat country music]

♪ I need a day off work
the boss says hell no ♪

♪ I'm gonna get drunk ♪

♪ And smoke three
packs of Malboro ♪

♪ And part of me thinks
I ain't never... ♪

[narrator] Even though Bernie was technically
still the United States Senator,

after his deal with Hillary,

he took time out from passing
his signature legislation

of getting post offices renamed
to enjoy the good life

at his newly
acquired lake house.

[yells]

The masked wonder is here!

- [laughs]
- Oh, Bernie, would you knock it off?

I'm not in the mood.

Burlington College is bankrupt.

- So?
- "So?" So, unlike you, I'm president of something.

- So?
- So, I followed your Venezuela financing plan.

Venezuela? [speaks Spanish]

Burlington College is finished.

And you said it
would all work out.

- Did you use other people's money?
- Of course!

- People's Bank.
- There you go.

You did it wrong.

- What?
- Yes, you should never use the bank's money

when you can use
the taxpayer's money.

- Oh, so it's my fault.
- You said that, I didn't.

You know what, Bernie? I think you
should run for president again.

[grunts]

Hillary said
she'd kill me if I did.

And I think she means it.

I'm willing to take that chance.

Huh.

[somber music]

[Bernie] I would just like to
say, I totally hate rich people.

And I would just like to say...

uh, and I would
just like to say...

I totally hate rich people?

[narrator] Poor Bernie.
He lost his way again.

I've done everything that I can.
I thought there would be more chicks.

I got nothing, Comrade Stalin.

I'm taking a lot
of crap out here.

A little help would be nice.

What is it? What is
my higher calling?

Anarchy. Your higher
calling is anarchy

and taking down capitalism.

[upbeat music]

[Bernie] I promise that I will force all wealthy
people to pay 100% of their income in taxes.

[crowd cheering]

And to possibly also
work in factories.

Or maybe even salt mines.

[narrator] Bernie was once again all
the rage with the young socialist crowd,

and quickly gained the attention of
a like-minded rising political star.

Are you f###### kidding?
[chuckles]

[gentle music]

Yes, Jane. I understand.
The College is bankrupt.

- [Jane crying over phone]
- There's nothing I can do about that from here.

- [door knocking]
- Listen. Oh. Somebody's here. I must go.

- [Jane screaming]
- Must go.

Miss Ocasio Cortez,
pleasure to meet you.

- [Ocasio] Likewise, I'm sure.
- [Bernie] Take a load off.

So... here we are, two people of
different generations trying to take

the country downtown
to Socialism Town, corillo.

[chuckles] Sure. Sure.

Together we can make history.

Ah. I understand that you
were a bartender before.

- That's right.
- Well...

can we discuss something
that has been on my mind

- for quite a while now.
- Climate change.

Huh?

Income inequality.

- How do you make a Manhattan?
- Excuse me?

Yeah, I've always been confused,
do you use whiskey or bourbon?

I can't believe you
just asked me that.

It's always confused me.

- That is totally a lit question.
- Lit.

People often say that you could
use bourbon or Canadian whiskey,

but you really have
to use rye whiskey.

Otherwise you're mixing up a whack
insult to a proper Manhattan.

Well, that answers
that question, thank you.

And I like to make sure that
the orange peels and bitters

- are good and smushed up in the bottom of the glass.
- Smushed. Yes.

- Oh, and make sure you pour the sweet vermouth slowly.
- Slowly. Got it.

And I can't stress this enough, but
don't over shake the whiskey and vermouth

once it's in the ice, because if you over
shake it, it will dilute the whole thing.

I'm totally against diluting, just tell
the greedy corporations about that!

- Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. And...
- What, for God sakes.

One more thing, people often
mistake a Manhattan

- with an Old Fashioned.
- And this is an issue for you?

It's a tragic mistake because a Manhattan
is sweetened with sweet vermouth

and an Old Fashioned
is sweetened with sugar. Yuck.

- Uh, Bernie?
- Oh, look. The cat video.

Aw, that's so cute.

- [makes cooing sounds]
- [chuckles]

So, there you have it.

A tale so curious
it may seem quite spurious.

Do as you want, do as you
hunch, but please remember...

there's no such thing
as a free lunch. Chin-chin.

[gentle classical music]

I hope he enjoys
his lakeside house.

Maybe I'll get an invite.
What a bastard, eh?

And he's got this wonderful private
bank in the south of France, I hear.

But probably just a rumor.
Lights out.

[radio frequency whirring]

- [knocks]
- Oi, oi!

Got what you asked for.

I need a drink. Proper
Manhattan coming right up.

[funky music]

Here.

That's a bag of dirt.

Yep. I dug it up just
like you told me to.

♪ ...move to a town
that's right for me ♪

I have to put dirt
on my, uh, my opponent.

Oh, I got that too.
And for future reference,

it's actually
opposition research.

Yeah. Or oppo search,
as some of us in the biz like to call it.

Oh, well, that's good.
We'll go with that.

♪ Talk about ♪

First off, turns out
Pete Buttigieg is gay.

- He's married to a man.
- Really?

- Yeah. Oh, there's more.
- Very good. Very good.

Well, I'm not too sure about the
reliability of me sources on this one,

but Elizabeth Warren has been
pretending to be Native American.

When really she's an Asian
woman. That's totally different.

[chuckling] Totally different.

- Anything else?
- Oh, yes, I have.

Get ready.
Okay, so, I found a dossier,

all right, in a dumpster right
behind Hillary Clinton's house.

It said Donald Trump
once paid hookers,

and get ready, to urinate
on a hotel room bed in Moscow.

Hey? Oh, you're gonna hit him really hard
with that tidbit, now aren't you, hey?

- Hey?
- I am so screwed.

- [Ocasio] Proper Manhattan.
- Oh, yeah. Thanks, love.

That's nice.
I'll have that. Good on you.

[grunting]

- Are we there yet?
- Patience, Comrade. Patience.

[engine revving]

♪ Won't you take me to
Funky Town ♪

♪ Won't you take me to
Funky Town ♪

♪ Won't you take me to
Funky Town ♪

♪ Won't you take me to
Funky Town ♪

[radio frequency whirring]

If I'm being honest,
I'm not really thrilled

the way either of these
two jokers turned out.

How could you say that?
I was Mayor of Burlington.

- Careful, kid.
- Yeah.

Bernie is accessing
his feelings.

- So we all need to support that.
- He could support my boot up his ass!

Yeah. Well, I'm not the one that took
my wife to Moscow on a honeymoon.

- What a loser.
- Ha!

Oh, yeah,
at least I wasn't an incel, pal.

Okay, let's all dial back the
hostility meter a few clicks.

I wouldn't have
had that heart attack

if this guy hadn't got addicted
to Twinkies, the little shit.

- Dial it back.
- Yeah, well, you wouldn't have embarrassed us all if you

didn't fold like a cheap
five dollar suitcase to Hillary.

- What he said, old man.
- Yeah.

What I got to say about that is.

Ah! Ah!

[growling]

[upbeat rock music]

[distorted singing]

[radio frequency whirring]

Yeah, Bernie's fantasy bondage
porn story was... pretty creepy.

I mean, trying to have your wife have sex
with you while the KGB listens in is...

quite frankly beyond the pale...
even for me.

[woman laughing]

[radio static]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Kill the signal ♪

♪ Rewrite the message ♪

♪ Point the finger ♪

♪ Count your possessions ♪

♪ Hope you sleep tight tonight ♪

♪ The lunatics have taken
over the asylum ♪

♪ I hope you sleep
tight tonight ♪

♪ The lunatics have taken
over the asylum ♪

♪ Hate when they
tell you to hang ♪

♪ Love when they say it's okay ♪

♪ Still you have nothing
to say anyway ♪

♪ And you don't even
know you're a slave ♪

♪ Lies are shining ♪

♪ Truth is fading ♪

♪ If hope is coming ♪

♪ I'm still waiting ♪

♪ I hope you sleep
tight tonight ♪

♪ The lunatics are taking
over the asylum ♪

♪ I hope you sleep
tight tonight ♪

♪ The lunatics have
taken over the asylum ♪

Hasta la vista, Bernie.
[chuckles]

[chickens clucking]

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www.OpenSubtitles.org