All language subtitles for You Me Her S03E06 Fool Me Once. Shame on You. Fool Me Twice. Blow Me HDTV-1080p aAF.en

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Well, congratulations. You're pregnant.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

- You have a right to know.
- "The Myth of Polyfidelity."

- Great premise.
- Don't have an abortion.

Can you at least... think about it?

Why is she here again?

She was at a meeting.

So why is my spidey sense screaming

that something weird's going down?

No family at all?

No. Well, other than my grandma,
but we haven't talked in years,

- And she is nuts.
- I think we've come up with

the real question of your thesis.

What's the real question of my thesis?

"What is wrong with me?"

Fuck you and your latest annoying
attempt at bartender wisdom.

You can't talk to me like that.

Uh, okay. So however
it's gonna be between us

is not gonna be like that.

- Wait, you're serious?
- Yeah, I'm serious.

Wanna meet my dad?

Em, what really matters
is, what do you want?

I want this baby.

And I want my husband and Izzy.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Yellow roses, the
official flower of apology.

Iz, would you please just hear me out?

- Who was that?
- It was just some lost chick.

I'm keeping it.

Hey, Jack?

Hey.

What the fuck?

Iz, take a breath, okay?

I mean, lots of people are
cordial with their exes, right?

- Can't we just be friends?
- Mm, hard pass.

Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice...

blow me.

Iz, Izzy, if you could give me

just five minutes of your time,

possibly with eye contact,

I swear, I'll walk out that door
and you will never see me again,

if that's what you want.

I say we hear her out.

You can talk until I finish this beer.

Thank you. Um...

It's a good beer. Talk fast.

Okay, I, um...

Um...

I just...

Jack could you possibly
put on some pants?

- It's... it's a bit distracting.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

No. Don't listen to
her. This is your home.

Okay, but what if I
actually wanna put on pants?

- Well, then that's fine.
- Okay.

Izzy, I am so, so sorry.

- Boring.
- No, you're right.

You're right. It's lazy just
repeating myself over and over again.

- I'm living the lesbian dream up there, okay?
- That's nice.

We've got a 20th floor
view of the Space Needle.

One call gets us into any restaurant
with a 6-month waiting list.

I mean, I am not bragging,
but Kylie and I are

pretty much the Portia
and Ellen of Seattle.

How is that not bragging?

Having any second thoughts
about letting her in?

No, no, no, no, no. Guys,
that was just the set up.

Here's the payoff.

It was so much easier
than this, than us.

But that doesn't make it real.

I'm in love with the two of you.

Jack, Izzy...

I'm just a girl,

standing in front of a boy,

- and another girl...
- Dear god, make it stop.

Look, if I had a time machine,

I would go back and I
would just ask for a beat

so I could get my head
around this concept of us

- having a baby together, but I just...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.

Is your ex standing in our home,

blaming us for pushing her?

That's her pitch?

Buh-bye, golden nectar.

Ahh.

That was very brave, Em.

- Thank you.
- I mean, I only heard parts of it

'cause I got super bored
during the braggy bits.

But we really need to get going, so...

- Jack.
- Yes?

Could you please let your ex-wife out?

That beer went right through me.

So when did you come to this?

When did I come to this?

When did I grow the balls
to admit it to myself?

'Cause they're separated
by roughly five months.

I... got the girls fed.

Thank you.

You know, I... I don't
wanna get a divorce

and move to Seattle to be a lesbian.

Neither do I.

o we have that in common.

- But...
- Damn your "buts."

This is happening, Dave.

I'm gonna be putting
more time in the magazine,

and we need to come up with a plan.

Okay, now promise you won't get mad?

- Okay?
- Okay, now,

see the point of the initial plan

was... Hang on. Just
give it a second, okay?

The point of the initial plan

was for our girls to have
at least three years before

they were living their lives
on someone else's schedule.

- That's true. But...
- All right?

Now, I made a little
bit more money than you.

Because you have a penis.

I think it was about
seniority more than genitalia.

- But I'm just a man. What do I know?
- It's a little bit of both. Go on.

Right. So, you wanted to stay at home.

- This was a... a mutual decision.
- Yes. That's right.

Now that I've gotten to know
the tiny women that we made,

I am terrified of even
the slightest fuck up

leading them down a path to
becoming asshole mean girls

who post their brunches on Instagram

with the peace sign and the duck lips

and the #blessed.

"#blessed"? God doesn't
care about brunch.

I just saw it in my head.

They are assholes

wearing gigantic sunglasses.
But... but for what it's worth,

they are very pretty, so there's that.

Yeah, this is...

My parents were strict
and very old-fashioned.

But I knew that I mattered more to them

than anything in the world.

I would like our girls
to know that, too.

What?

Mm.

Mmm.

You're an incredible man.

And our girls are gonna have
a hard time finding somebody

because they'll be
measuring everybody to you.

And you are the dopest mom.

Yeah.

And they're gonna know that, too.

They're gonna know all
about that, your dopeness.

Yeah, see, that's the thing. I
want them to know about my dopeness,

but I want them to see that
I'm... I'm winning at life.,

that I'm firing on all cylinders.

And I... I want them to know
that they can be the dopest moms

and be the dopest women
all at the same time.

And I guess I just... I... I really...

need to show myself that, too.

- No.
- Izzy, come on.

Just so you know, I am
officially way past believing

that Emma's mysterious return

was ever about a
sudden business meeting.

What makes you say that?

She was wearing the same yoga
pants and slippers, Sherlock.

- Was she? I didn't even notice that. That's weird.
- Come here.

Look at me in the eye.

No, that is a random
spot over my shoulder.

There you go.

Did you know that she wanted back in?

Was that what you were
talking about on campus?

No. I found out the
exact same time you did.

I swear.

Okay. Well, now that you
do know, where do you stand?

I'm with you. Okay?

On this and everything else.

Not bad.

So what about you?

I know it's a lot to digest all at once,

- but she seemed really...
- I could never trust her.

And I would be beyond
disappointed if you could.

I feel you.

- You feel me?
- Yeah.

Yes, I mean, like, I...

heard you, I acknowledge it,
I understand what you said.

Okay. Way to go out on the limb.

Come on. We're gonna be late.

There.

Okay, will you please stop that?

- Stop what?
- Stop not being goofy.

Oh. I'm sorry, Neen.

How can I amuse you, as that's
my sole purpose in this life?

I already apologized.

Did you?

Hey, look.

I'm sorry for the way
that I spoke to you.

And I wanna hear you say that...

- I'm your superior.
- I'm not...

Oh.

Oh, fuck. Fine. Fuck, fuck.

And you're my...

superior.

Ha ha ha.

I'm gonna leave before
this gets fun. No.

For the record,

I'm also your "Mr. Right
There in Front of You."

What the fuck is that?

Like in rom-coms.

The one who's always there if
you just take the time to notice.

Yeah, no, but nice try.

- Well, no. It's... it's true.
- Okay, look, you're a lot of things,

including ginger-ish
and intermittently ruddy,

- but you are definitely not my...
- Mr. Right There in Front of You.

And here's the beautiful twist...

the more that you deny it,

the more that you're
just proving my point.

What's that?

Was there something you
wanted to... to add to that?

You wanna say something? No?

Cool, then I'm gonna take
that as a tacit agreement.

Mm.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Huh? Come on.

I've earned it.

Don't leave me hanging. Just...

You just ruined the moment. Ah!

So, Ben,

- been sober for a
year now? - Mm-hmm.

How often do you go to meetings?

Okay, I get it. I'm the one under

- the swinging bulb here.
- No.

I... I go to at least
three meetings a week.

Lately, I've been going to more.

Why is that?

Well, it's been an
especially emotional time.

What made you finally stop drinking?

Uh, well, I came really close
to drowning in my own vomit.

Yeah, and, uh, when
I... when I finally, uh,

when I finally dragged
myself up off the linoleum,

I looked in the mirror and
I realized that I didn't have

a single reason left to stay alive.

So I decided to find one.

My turn.

So, uh, you're... you're divorced, yeah?

It's all legal and everything?

There's no, uh, little
threads left between you two?

Is it just me or is it getting, like,

weirdly possessive and
patriarchal in here?

- Why don't we just, um...
- I can honestly say that...

- Okay.
- ... Emma and I are

entirely, completely,
and legally divorced.

Why are you talking like you're on
the wrong side of a Senate hearing?

I'm not.

- You love her?
- Emma?

- My daughter.
- Oh, uh...

Well... when Emma and I met...

Oh, hey, remember 10 seconds
ago when my dad clarified

- that he was asking about me?
- ... I felt the Earth move.

Okay, not loving this story.

Honey hear me out.

And I thought it was the type of thing

- that was only gonna happen once in a lifetime.
- Mm.

Until I met your daughter.

And I'll be damned if
it didn't happen again.

Except this time, it was
more like an earthquake.

When I opened that hotel room
door for the first time...

- E... excuse me?
- Pardon?

Hmm?

Yeah, you... you said you fell for Izzy

the first time you saw her, when
you opened the hotel room door?

- Maybe a little clarification on...
- Yeah, no,

- I'm realizing now it sounded
like I meant... - Mnh-mnh.

I saw her for the first time
when I opened the hotel room door.

Yeah, no, that's...

- Yeah, no, it did...
- Yeah.

it did sound like that because
that's exactly what you said.

True. Yes, um...

Well, that's because...

- Tell him. Yeah.
- Yeah, should I?

I mean, you don't know
every detail, right?

I know them all. But I... Yeah.

Um, I'm at a hotel.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right?

- Yeah.
- Like I said,

open the door, right, to
start my day, like as one does.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right?

Lo and behold...

Uh, Izzy is there.

- 'Cause... because...
- Izzy was...

... a housekeeper.

- A what?
- I was... I was a... I was a housekeeper.

- Housekeeper, yes.
- Yeah.

- You weren't.
- Tell the story, honey.

- Right.
Cool. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, I was a housekeeper...

- Yeah.
- ... for, like, a hot minute at the Carlyle.

- The hotel.
- The Carlyle.

- Carlyle Hotel.
Mm-hmm. - Mm. Um...

She tells the story better
than I do. So go ahead, honey.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Uh, yeah, so, I'm... I knocked on room

- 372...
- 372.

- to offer...
- We'll never forget that.

To offer turndown service.

- And...
- Yeah. She was wearing, like, a cute little outfit.

- I wasn't. I wasn't.
- No?

No.

- My dad.
- Well, who was that then?

- I'm joking.
- He's kidding.

No, there was no outfit at...

Well, you were wearing something. Yeah.

And, uh, that's our story.

- Mm-hmm. - You
know, classic...

- Mm-hmm. - ...
classic, uh, tale.

Yeah. I mean, we're gonna
be telling that story

- for the rest of our lives. Mm.
- Can't wait.

One of you cowboys gonna blink soon,
or should I just wait at the bar?

Thanks for dinner, Jack.
You didn't have to do that.

Your money's no good in my town.

I've always wanted to say that.

I'm sure it's perfectly
good both here and abroad.

Okay, why don't we just move on so...

they can mop up the testosterone, okay?

- Mmm.
- Bye.

- You did good.
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey.

Oh! Hey! What's up, girl?

"Hey"?

You seriously had the
balls to lead with "Hey"?

I had to tell him.

He had a right to know after
everything we've been through.

Great. You told him.

So why aren't you at home with me?

Why are you still...

Where are you?

I'm at my friend Carmen's house.

Why?

Emma, what the fuck is going on?

I'm keeping the baby, Kylie.

Please say something.

Say something? Oh, absolutely.

Here it is.

- Fuck you.
- Ky...

Fuck!

- Oh, my god.
- So, hey, hi.

- Hi.
- Here's the thing.

We're working super
hard to not say that word

anywhere near Callie,
who's already devised

an alarming variety of
every day public application.

Okay.

Was that Kylie?

It's hard to say who
hates me more, her or Izzy.

I mean, but that's what happens
to horrible people, right?

Everyone hates them, and they die alone?

You're not horrible, Em.

Thanks, but, I think...

Sharks are scary as shit, right?

But are they really horrible?

Doesn't that imply malicious intent?

Sharks just swim around,
living their lives,

and a bloody trail of horrific carnage

is collateral damage.

They didn't mean to do
anything. It just happened.

Stop it.

I have fucked up my life so badly.

I know, hon.

I've watched most of it
from my bedroom window.

What should I do?

I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know.

All I got is this.

Remember when Jack and I were only weird

because we didn't have kids?

Not really.

Oh!

You did what?

I spoke to your grandmother's counselor,

and she's been on her meds
and stable for a few years now.

I did not say that you could do that.

I don't give a fuck about her.

But she gives a major fuck about you.

You talked to her?

What happened to not playing savior?

I hear you, but what's done is done.

So if you could just
ease it back a little

and let me talk for
one minute, and then,

if you still wanna break
a pool cue over my head,

I will hold perfectly still.

Okay?

She works at PetSmart.

She...

She has a nice little
apartment on Jervis.

And her eyes lit up like a 100-watt bulb

when I said your name.

And look, I don't
claim to know the woman.

But if what her doctor said is true,

then maybe she really has changed.

She asked if you'd want
to go for coffee with her.

- That's easy...
- No.

Just no?

The woman burned my fucking clothes.

What? Why?

She was concerned they
might be flammable.

That's not funny.

Okay.

How 'bout I go with you?

20 minutes, just check it out?

Please?

- God, fine.
- Yay.

Okay, but you seriously
have to be there.

I will, I promise.

And you have to let me do the acrylics,

any design I want.

Okay.

You're gonna make me look
really stupid, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

- Ooh.
- Wow.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Wow! Look at that!

Look how it just dissolves

to the entertainment section?

Uh, come in, Alex!

No, right. He can only hear your voice.

Come in, Alex!

Wow. I was joking.

Mm.

Whoa!

I mean, I could tell that was
heavy by the way your pecs...

by the sound it made when it landed.

He has a jackknife.

He's a 24-year-old man
who carries a jackknife.

My favorite part of the job.

- There you go.
- Ohh.

And that's for you.

Oh, this is beautiful.

There it is. That's the look.

Oh, you did good, Alex. Mmm.

- You did good, Alex.
- Thanks.

Un-fucking-real!

Mmm.

Damn. And then he did that.

So is this crush going
both ways now or what?

Oh, I'm just playing,

just pawing him back and forth a little.

- Mm.
- What?

Seriously, how much longer
is Rob gonna be gone?

Mm.

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.

What are you doing?

What? We have to celebrate.

You, me, Emma, who else?

What? What's that look?

Oh, you want strippers.
Yeah, I'm cool with strippers.

I'll just send the
boys off to a sleepover.

Better than strippers.

Hookers.

Ooh. You're a bad,
bad mama, Carmen Amari.

Just two seconds.

Homework?

It's not actually called
that after high school.

It's my thesis.

Yeah, and what's the title again?

- I know you told me, but...
- "The Myth of Polyfidelity."

What?

Write what you know?

Is that why you wanted to meet?

'Cause you think you're on to something?

You were never a
housekeeper at the Carlyle.

How would you know?

Wait, did you actually call them?

Don't need to now.

Oh, my God.

You... you chose the... the
thesis subject of polyamory,

which admittedly, I had to look up.

That is circumstantial at best.

And then, last night, the two of you

were both lying your asses
off about how you met.

- N... no.
- No, you...

All right, you don't need to
tell me if you don't want to.

You were straight with me.

We were together.

Me, Jack, and Emma.

And I loved them both very
much, and they loved me.

And I know this sounds crazy,

but nothing in my life
had ever felt that right.

And I had never been happier, or...

fucking sadder.

But then she left us 'cause that's
how these things always end, so...

At least I got a
thesis out of it, right?

That's it?

You're just gonna, like, nod like this?

Jack did this.

What? No.

Yeah, he made you their plaything.

And then he decided that
he preferred the newer model

and chased his wife away.

That's not even true.

If any one of us started it, it was me.

I met him, and then I met her,

and then I showed up at their house.

Oh, god. Then this is my
fault, just like the drinking.

I am not you. Okay?

I am a fully formed free-standing adult.

That's bullshit. You are
exactly me before I got straight.

Which means I know what you need to do.

I swear to god, if you finish
that fucking sentence...

Just...

What is it?

Apparently, I'm going to an impromptu
soir馥 in Hawthorne Heights.

Good times.

Where I'm gonna propose to Jack.

Oh, Jesus, Izzy.

- Don't do something stupid just...
- No, honestly,

all you have to worry about is
whether or not you can handle it.

If you wanna fucking bail, fucking bail

'cause I know what that looks like.

You're absolutely sure
that Emma left, right?

100%.

That's what Carmen said so,

no reason for me to question it. I
didn't put a GPS tracker on her, so...

No, not absolutely sure, but...

Yeah. She's going, going, gone-zo.

What?

- Why are you acting weird?
- I'm not.

Maybe I'm just repressing.

- You're repressing?
- Yeah.

It means when you, like,
kind of push things down.

No, I know. I know what it means.

- Yeah.
- So what feelings are you repressing?

All of them.

- All of them?
- Yeah.

Honey, what kind of seeds are these?

- What am I looking at here?
- Uh, caraway.

Caraway? Why are you buying this stuff?

- It tastes good.
- Hello, hello. Hello.

- Hey, hey. There they are.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- There they are!

- Why did you say it like that?
- Hi, I'm Izzy.

- Hi, I'm Hannah.
- Hi.

- Hi. Jack.
- Congrats on the...

- Yeah.
- Oh. Thank... thank you.

Hey, sweetie, come on. Come on.

Ah. There's another
neighborhood function

hijacked by polygamists.

- My god, what is Emma doing...
- You were in on this?

Yeah.

So the runaway wife
returns again and again.

- I was wondering if...
- Which way's north?

Look, can we do this somewhere private?

Mm, better yet. How 'bout
we just take this outside?

And just to be clear, I am
threatening to kick your ass.

- Oh, my god.
- Ow.

I'm sorry.

- Good start. Want a drink?
- Uh, yes. Thanks.

So can you eat... can you
eat this food that comes...

It's very, uh...

- Okay.
- Bring back any memories?

You and me in a bathroom, music playing?

Uh, no. Doesn't ring a bell.

What part of "stay the fuck
away" do you not understand?

You're angry.

You're angry, which means you care.

I am painfully aware
that I am using rage

to suppress feelings of
heartbreak and abandonment,

okay, but it's working.

Oh, uh, I'm proposing to Jack tonight.

- Izzy. Iz!
- So I'm happy that you...

- What?!
- I'm pregnant.

And I'm keeping it.

Six weeks, so...

He knows, doesn't he?

I don't know if I'd say that he...

- Fine, he...
- Jack!

Oh, god.