Original subtitles

(film reel spinning)

(upbeat music)

- Eddie, what's up man, are we ready to go?

- Ready to go?

Eze I almost died yesterday.

- 'Died' as in 'dye' your clothes color

or 'died' like--

- I'm not joking, I'm serious,

I almost got killed!

- How, did one of your babes try to poison you?

- See, there's this white girl I've been talking to.

I went to her house last night.

So when I got there, man, everything was ready.

I mean the girl even had wine, the girl had wine.

She poured wine for me, she then went to remove her clothes.

Then she said that I should relax, I should chill,

then she goes and takes off her clothes.

As a sharp man, I took off my clothes,

changed out my body for the coming performance

and I drunk the whole bottle of red bull that you gave me.

- You drank the whole bottle?

- Hey now, I had to be ready.

- That's too much.

- Wait, Let me tell you what now happened.

So I was now there now, normally I was a nicer boy

I'm ready for action.

Eze, this thing was like thunder inside my underwear.

(Eze laughs)

- I've never seen it before, this thing was big.

So I know I was there, let me calm down

This thing was a rocket launcher.

- What a waw woo.

- The girl now came, me I thought that she

would be afraid.

Yo that girl is crazy.

She was like "Oh my God, is it real?"

I said, "Of course!"

So you see, we started the action,

I begin the hammer (claps),

I begin the hammer (claps),

I began the hammer (claps),

I begin the hammer (claps),

I begin the hammer (claps),

I begin the hammer (claps).

Eze what are you doing?

Are you drooling?

- Sorry, sorry, sorry talk sweet to me.

Continue.

- All of a sudden somebody knocked at the door.

So the girl she sh-she-she got up

she tied her robe, she went.

Me I put on my boxers you know, I don't know who's coming.

Eze I could not wait (slaps hand).

- Why?

- Because the snake was still standing.

- (laughs)

- Eze, Eze I tried everything.

I was pushing, I was pulling the thing wouldn't go.

I was pushing, I was pulling the thing did not enter.

I pray to God, I asked him for forgiveness.

Finally, Eze, the thing went down.

Eze, you won't believe it!

It was this girls father.

- (gasps)

- This guy is a hillbilly redneck,

that came through the door with shotgun and

was shooting at me.

Izzy I had to jump out the window.

Luckily my car was close and I ran into

the night, sped off!

This man almost killed me was still shooting

at me in my car.

Eze, I almost died.

- So wait, what happened to the girl?

Did you go back and (claps hands) finish what you started?

- Eze, I'm telling you, I almost lost my life.

But all you're worried about is

did I finish what I started!

(huffs) It was a crazy night.

- Well, since I've done my part,

you know it's time for you to do your part too,

of the teaching me how to become rich like you.

- You have done more than your parts.

I'm not touching that rubbish drink again.

- (laughs)

I told you it's very powerful,

(chuckles) I told you.

- I'm a believer now, go and change let's go.

- Ah okay, no problem.

(happy music)

- Eze I'm trying to get you to change your thinking.

So that you can start living in America.

Lesson number two, your mind controls everything.

If you can think it, you can achieve it.

What are you doing Eze?

- Wait wait wait, brother wait wait.

I'm imagining a nice big bowl of gwabi, ehh,

I can see the meat, garnished with

different types of mende mende.

And I see a nice bowl of pepper soup beside it,

so that the smoke is coming out of it like this.

- And I wash it down with cold pape wine.

So juicy, eh so juicy!

- Eze seriously, hmm?

- What, you said I should imagine with my mind.

And that's what I am doing, what else do

you want me to do?

- Lesson number three, stay out of the hood.

Eze your environment plays a huge role in how you think.

So you have to make sure that you give

it good images to look at.

And I'm not just talking about the things that you can see,

but also the way you think and the things that you

can actually feel.

You see this street, this Eze, is where kings live.

- Uh, but wait I thought

it's president that America has.

- Eze I'm talking about kings and queens.

- And that's what I'm saying now,

Britain is the one that has queens, not America.

- Okay, Eze forget it.

(esoteric music)

(phone ringing)

(suspenseful music)

- You sure your aren't hiding from me?

- Oh no of course not.

Uh, there was a roach and um yeah, I was um

(stomping)

- Yeah

- Yeah but its gone.

- Yeah - Yeah

- Oh okay.

- Toun

- Yes

- Um, I'm sorry about Friday.

- What about Friday?

- You know, me standing you up, we were supposed

to go to a restaurant, and there was an emergency

and I couldn't--

- We had a thing on Friday?

- Yeah I mean, you know the restaurant that you

discovered right?

- Oh, no worries, Peter will take me there.

- (clears throat) Who's Peter?

- I have work to do, so.

- Okay.

- Rule number 16, your environment

plays a huge role in how you think.

You know how people say that a dog's head

is better than a lions tail?

Eze forget that rubbish.

Instead join the both of them together.

In fact, if you take a dog's head and a lion's tail,

and you put it side by side, the lion's head would

attract more attention.

It is far better for you to live in

a rich neighborhood, stay with your friend.

Not for you to own a house in the slum.

- Wow!

- And if you want a luxurious car buy one.

If for some reason that you cannot buy one,

then rent one, if you cannot rent one, borrow one.

If you cannot borrow one then be a scrub,

and ride shotgun just like you are doing right now.

- Hey, God forbid, gun?

I don't have gun no,

shot gun, long gun, narrow gun, upside down gun,

left right, I don't have any gun,

I cannot do gun, that's not my passion.

(sighs)

- There you go.

- [Attendant] Thank you sir.

- All right, yo lets go, come on.

- Eddie, who is that guy, why is he driving?

- It's called valet bro

- Eddie what if he rolls away with your car?

- Eze how are you supposed to find a companion

when you don't know what valet is.

- Me ah no understanding no, because

what I'm saying is, you drove your car here,

someone enter the car, drove away,

and your calling it valet.

Eddie if you try that in Nigeria, the next place

you see your car is on internet.

Someone is willing to sell you your own car, just like that.

- Eze you see where we stand, your body is here,

but your mind is still in Nigeria.

- Well I've said my own,

a word is enough for the wise.

I cannot come, I'll go and kill myself.

- Eze what the heck is this?

- Suit jacket.

- This is not a jacket this a blanket.

And your wearing it with this pants

and this factory boots.

- Just in case I'm going to work from here.

- Eze, take it off.

- Eddie, man's not hot.

- Eze, Take off the jacket.

- You are ruining my swag now.

(keys click)

(bleep)

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

(keys click)

(bleep)

(keys click)

(phone rings)

- Yes!

(sighs)

(phone ringing)

(upbeat music)

- Okay, nod and smile, okay, not that smile.

Hey Jaime.

- Eddie!

- How you been bro?

- Hey where you been man?

- Yo you know me, here and there.

This is my friend Eze, Eze this is Jaime.

This man right here is the bomb,

he owns this business

and multiple other businesses.

- Trying to be like you.

Hey how are you doing?

(whispers)

- Oh I can talk now.

(laughs)

You are greeting me,

I am greeting you too, I am fine.

- Oh, so what do you do Eze?

- I am a handy man, you know

I handle everything for you.

- He owns a company,

it's called Handy Man Corporation,

um they sell household items.

I mean we're talking like Home Depot type stuff.

Yeah, you know Handy Man right, come on.

- Yeah yeah

- Yeah yeah

- Theirs is a big kinda, you know what I'm saying

and they're the, have the big logo.

- Yeah

- Okay well it was nice meeting you.

I like to meet people like you.

What are you guys public, do you sell stock?

- Livestock, no we don't sell livestock.

We do equipment, hammer, nails, wood.

- Yo when they go public

I'll alert you, you know me.

- You're the man, let me know if you need anything.

- All right

- You guys enjoy tonight.

- Thank you Jaime.

- [Eze] That was very nice.

(upbeat music)

- This is a very nice restaurant (chuckles), nice.

- [Waiter] Booth or table sir?

- What?

- What did he say about my boots?

- Table please.

- Sure, please with me.

- Eddie you should have just told that same manager,

Jaime, that I'm a handy man.

I would have still been asking for a job,

you are such a hater.

This would have been the perfect place for me to work.

- Guy come put yourself, men they watch us.

You're not dressed properly, so the least that you can do

is act like you actually have a job.

- Is that why you lied to that manager guy,

about where I work?

- Yes, yo, Eze this is a game.

Eze didn't you hear the man claim that he knew a

company that does not exist?

- Blood of Nebu Coniza, Eddie am I seeing double?

The cheapest food here is steak, for $105.

- Un huh

- What is uh huh?

Am I buying the whole cow?

- Eze please just eat.

- Are you guys ready to order?

- Yes we are, go ahead.

- NO, no, no, no, no I don't have that kind of money.

Please, am I mad, you expect me

to use one whole month's salary, to, to, to, to to eat

one small plate of food that after I leave here

I would remove it from my body.

Unless that food is going to stay in my stomach

for one month, I'm not eating no.

- Excuse me, Eze who said you are paying?

- So you pay for me, that's my friend.

See in that case, you see this steak here,

you can give me two plates.

And this one I think it might be something like pap,

and give me that one too.

- What drink would you like?

- Eddie what are we drinking?

- You gotta buy your own drink.

- Just give me water.

- Just water, you want some lime with it?

- How much is the lime?

- We don't charge for that sir?

- It's free give me 12.

- And you sir?

- I'm fine thank you, fine, fine

(laughs)

Oh I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Ah really?

I did not know that (laughs).

- Mummy, I'm going now too

- Eh sister sorry, eh what did you say?

What were you saying?

Ah, okay.

- Oh hi, can I help you find something?

- Um, not really. I'm just coming from the super market

I saw a library and decided to check it out.

- Yeah.

That can be a little overwhelming.

A lot to choose from.

- Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out which ones to pick.

- Well, I am lord of the shelves.

(laughs)

- So let me guess, you're from Africa?

- Okay what gave me away, my African prints or my accent?

- Those kind of help, yeah a Little bit.

(whimsical music)

- Eze, rule number 69,

always discard of your poor friends Eze,

because poverty is more contagious than Ebola.

I mean if even you look at the poor man for too long,

you'll wake up and you'll be poor.

- Hey

- Now remember, whatever rich people are doing,

do it with them.

If they drink, drink with them,

If they smoke, smoke with them.

- Even with my asthma?

- Yes, Eze, rich people want people

that are like minded around them.

If not they'll discard you.

Always prepare for the unexpected because

rich people are freaks and they might

ask you to do things that are not expected.

So just be open minded and go with the flow.

- Flow, even if its not my game?

- Eze, even if they ask to be transgender, do it.

- (shocked gasp) Hey, God forbid by dancing over

my dead body to fear God.

- Okay, then stay with your poverty.

- Eddie let me ask you a question.

- Yes

- Have you been following this, your rules?

- Eze every day, religiously.

- Eh, so how come you are not rich yet?

- [Waiter] Your meals.

- [Eddie] Thank you.

- Uh yeah. So sorry, excuse me oh,

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,

this is just the sample, right?

- [Waiter] Excuse me?

- Uh, this is the one just to taste,

before you bring the real food, because uh

what are those?

A hundred dollars.

This can not be it.

- Um, we're good, bro.

Thank you.

(laughs)

Thanks.

- Eddie`you are who are good.

I'm not good with you.

- Eze, why are you embarrassing me?

- Okay, no vex, no vex now.

- You know what?

I'm going to use the restroom.

- [Dad] Princess

- Daddy

- Are you going out?

- Yes, I have lunch with somebody.

- Oh and that somebody?

Does he happen to be a boy called Dare?

(sigh)

- I am tired of you and mom telling me what to do.

Telling me who to date, telling me what is right,

and what is wrong.

You two need to calm down.

- Ah calm down princess,

I am just here to talk, not to fight.

Um, you see we have not gotten that chance

to actually talk over this issue and uh your mother--

- Is driving me crazy, Dad

- That is not what I wanted to say.

- But you always take her side no matter what.

- She is my wife.

What do you expect me to do?

Listen my dear, I just want you to know

that I have no personal thing against your man.

- My fiance.

- I just want you to know that I have nothing

personal against your friend.

- My fiance, daddy.

- Well that is left to be decided.

- By who?

You or Mom?

- I don't know what people these days got,

I mean they get married for wrong reasons.

- Such as?

- I don't know.

But listen Princess, in our culture, marriage goes beyond

just the union between the couples.

It is the union between the entire family.

Now we just don't know this boy.

- But daddy, maybe if you took a second, a moment,

to get to know him.

instead of making a fool out of him,

maybe then you'd get to know him.

How do you think that makes him feel?

Or how do you think that makes me feel?

- (sighs) sorry-- - I have to get dressed.

(upbeat music)

- Lets do next weekend, because my parents have something

going on this weekend and they need me to be

there or something.

- Yeah um sure that works.

- So what you got?

- What do you mean what I got?

- Well this restaurant is the landmark

of all the turning points in our relationship, so.

- Really?

- Yeah, we had our first kiss here,

when you first asked me to date you,

it was right here and the first time you

told me you loved me

I was sitting right here, so...

- You know, maybe if I'd proposed to you here

I wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble.

- (laughs) Yeah maybe.

(sighs)

- So.

(sighs)

- Princess, you know I love you, right.

(soft music)

- Uh oh

- What?

- Its never a good sign when a conversation

starts out like that.

- Oh come on I'm just saying,

I would never do anything to hurt you

and you know that.

- Uh huh

- I just um

I want us to get married

- Well, we are getting married, babe.

- No, I mean like right now.

- Now?

- Let's just go to the court and and get this legalized.

- You're not joking are you?

- No I'm not.

- Are you kidding me?

My parents just freaked out 'cause you proposed

to me at my graduation party.

And now you want to get married

at the court house without them?

Are you serious?

- Listen I know it sounds crazy.

But there's a lot going on right now in my life.

I'm on the verge of losing my job,

my, my career, my dignity.

Because I don't want to lose you

- You're not going to lose me Dare.

- So lets just do this.

- What about the wedding bells and and my dresses,

and the traditional songs, and everything I wished for

on my special day, what about that?

- Princess, don't you think that considering

everything I just said right now,

that's kind of selfish?

- Selfish?

Selfish coming from the man who wants

to marry me right now for his stay visa.

- Baby, baby Come on.

- Sir, would you like me to bring you your bill now?

- Huh?

No, no, no ,no ,no ,no, no.

My friend is coming.

(suspenseful music)

Eddie?

Eddie, where are you now, uh?

(sigh)

Eddie.

- Sir what is the problem?

Why aren't you paying your bill?

- Hey look.

It's because I'm waiting for my friend.

- You've been waiting for a pretty long time.

And if you ask me, I'd say there's no friend coming.

- Bros, you have to understand

I have been calling him since--

- You have to pay up now.

I don't want to hear anything coming out of your mouth

but how you are going to pay your bill.

- (Whimpers) Okay, How much is it?

Ah, no, no, no, no this is not our bill.

No, No, No, No

I did not ask for the bill for everybody

that ate here today.

No I only asked for me and my friend.

You brought us the wrong bill so bring ours.

- This is it sir.

This is it.

- This is the bill for just both of us?

Three hundred and eighty five dollars?

- Without tip.

- Without a tip?

(screams)

I'm facing my destiny.

Oh, Eddie I told you I did not want to eat.

I told him I don't want,

I was not even hungry like that.

You are sure that is the bill for just me and him?

Three eighty five.

(sigh)

- [Waiter] Hey!

No don't try to run away.

- What is wrong with you?

Why you do like this?

Who is running away?

I'm not running away.

I wanted to go for a wee wee.

Piss, I've been holding the piss since.

I did not know where the bathroom was.

I'm not running.

- Hey no!

No!

No!

(upbeat music)

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