Original subtitles

Previously on The Magicians...

My hands won't cast.

- We can help you, Penny. - What's the catch?

"Bound in service to the library

up to and after my death"?

- That isn't just any door. - Then what is it?

The Poison Room.

There is knowledge behind that door

that could destroy more than just people.

It could destroy worlds.

"The Ars Deicidium"?

"The art of killing gods."

King Idri is our honored guest.

We're getting married.

One big, royal polyamorous family.

The fairies can bring back the wellspring?

They can.

And in return?

The child that grows in the womb

of the High King's wife.

Some friends and I summoned a goddess.

You may address me as Reynard the Fox,

trickster of the very stupid.

Reynard's son is John Gaines?

My son...

Jules, I talked to your shade.

She's not gone.

So where is she?

Shades go to the Underworld.

The living can access the Underworld

with the help of a Gatekeeper.

An Ancient One.

I think I figured out what an Ancient One is.

Look, Q, you don't have to come with me.

In fact, I don't think that you should.

Noted, but I'm coming.

You feel the energy coming off that?

Yeah, also the stink.

I don't know, my ancient Greek is a little rusty.

"The old reveals itself to the new

at the fall of milk teeth."

Milk teeth?

Oh, baby teeth.

You think we have to stick one in to open it up?

I mean, I could write a spell.

Uh, we could find the nearest child's house

expecting the Tooth Fairy and--

Break in and steal their teeth?

I'd leave money.

Uh, I hate to bring this up, but I actually--

I still have one...

a molar that never came in.

Oh, I know an extraction spell.

Ah!

- Fuck! - Sorry.

This dragon better be fucking cool.

Hmm...

Or not.

[explosion]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

I wouldn't have guessed baby teeth.

Why would a dragon want baby teeth?

- Shit. - I collect baby teeth.

As I collect many things, little mammal.

♪ ♪

Uh, greetings, your Ladyship.

"Your Ladyship"?

I am a Queen of the Great Worms.

Of course you are.

Uh, that's awesome--I wasn't suggesting that you weren't.

Your manner does not endear me to you, human.

We seek passage to the Underworld, oh Ancient One.

♪ ♪

Hmm. You seek to die.

Uh, no, actually, we were hoping to come back after.

Suit yourself.

I require a gift.

A gift? Um...

yeah, I mean, name it,

and we'll get it for you.

You already have it.

It's in your pocket.

♪ ♪

No. Pick something else.

No, if it gets you your Shade back--

No.

Fillory is your home.

And what about your friends? What if they need you?

We can't.

Queen of the Great Worms.

What if I, uh, needed to borrow it

in the future, just super briefly?

No.

If you wish to return home,

you must find other means.

The first door remains open, little mammal.

Great, um, I super love riddles.

♪ ♪

Are you giving me the button or not?

♪ ♪

Your bodies will stay here, and your souls will travel.

You have 24 hours to return to the portal.

Or?

I sit patiently, waiting for you to come back.

No, I eat you--I'm a fucking dragon, what do you expect?

Great, good to know.

Then it's settled.

[wind blowing]

[both coughing]

Jesus, a little warning next time.

Really.

Q, look.

Time to go.

Fucking millennials.

[elevator dinging]

[elevator door chimes]

[lounge music]

♪ ♪

Welcome to the Underworld.

Please take a number.

♪ ♪

The fuck?

[whimsical music]

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

[sighs] Idri is almost here.

And does anyone know where Fen is?

[trumpets blare]

I present King Idri of Loria.

My life is perfect.

Hello.

[snaps fingers] Josh--wine, canapés.

I said have it ready.

We have a lovely blend of--

Ahem. Okay.

And where are the fire dancers?

- I don't know. - [sighs]

I'm sorry, I had a whole thing--

Your Majesty, this presentation

is beautiful, but...

It would be so much better with fire dancers, I know.

I hope my arrival isn't causing undue stress.

Stress?

- I'm not stressed-- - Eliot.

- I don't care about ceremony. - You don't?

- But-- - But I came here for you.

Oh.

Well...

the feeling's mutual.

Take me somewhere we can become a bit better acquainted.

Alone.

Congratulations, you're dead.

You've passed through the veil to the Underworld.

Is this your final destination?

No.

It's the first leg of your journey.

We designed this part of the Underworld for you,

based on your life and personal expectations

to facilitate a comfortable transition.

You've been grouped with others who have similar expectations.

Perfect, right?

- [inhales sharply] Ow. - What?

Settle into this next stage of your existence.

In the unlikely event you're missing your Shade,

please report to a bellhop immediately.

Enjoy your wait.

I guess we need to find a bellhop.

Security, we have a Shade-less patron!

What? Hey!

- Take him away. - Why? Where are you taking me?

- Thank you, thank you. - Read me my rights!

Hey, let go! Wait, ow!

Or, you know, we take a beat.

173.

I'm 173.

Place your hands on the counter

for identification, please.

Hey, do you know where they were taking that guy just now?

Oh, his soul is missing a little piece.

They just took him somewhere where

he would be more comfortable.

So he could be reunited with it?

I doubt it, that's very difficult to do.

Especially after a prolonged separation.

Yeah, but you can't just take--

I assure you, all the Shades

are safe and well protected for their eternity.

Nothing to worry over.

Ah, here we are.

Wicker and Coldwater.

Oh.

Oh, my.

- What? - You've both died 39 times.

Aha--time loop. Thought so.

Our computers do not handle these well.

This will take a bit to sort out.

Once you're in the system, we'll reunite you

with your immediate karmic circle,

but until then, I'll need to stick you somewhere.

Do you like skiing?

Look, I thought this was just a waystation.

- We're kind of in a hurry-- - Oh, it is.

But souls do stay a while,

until they're ready to...

move on.

Snorkeling? Art museums?

Actually, is it possible to check on a few names?

I think I might have a karmic circle we could visit.

You're making progress.

Am I?

Nothing's happening.

It's an exceedingly difficult way to do magic.

Trying to isolate muscles not generally associated with--

Call it what it is.

Sphincter magic.

Gets me there, no shame.

And if it doesn't,

we all need a healthy pelvic floor.

Now, I'm afraid study time is over.

I have your next job.

- Re-shelving books. - Great.

Any questions, direct them to--

where'd she go?

- Sylvia! - What?

Shh!

Penny, Sylvia. Sylvia, Penny.

So what, I'm babysitting now?

Oh, no.

Sylvia is your supervisor.

Good luck, I'll check back.

Nice scarf.

Anyway, I married Fen because I had to.

But I didn't know her at all.

And now...

I don't know you.

My wife used to say, there's one way

to learn to be with another person.

The hard way?

Actually, yes.

Stand up.

Would you mind removing this?

Buttons, too, please.

- What are you doing? - Shh.

This is a lesson.

All of them.

Please.

[piano melody]

♪ ♪

I really hate to bring this up,

but you do realize there's nothing we can actually do.

Oh, I know.

And yet, there's so much we can do.

♪ ♪

I can't touch you,

you can't touch me,

but I can tell you how I want to touch you.

And you can show me how you like to be touched.

I admire your commitment to education.

♪ ♪

If you're waiting for my permission, don't.

What the fuck?

[woman screaming]

Eliot, Heloise just turned into a rat!

[screaming]

Who is that?

[screaming continues]

I'm not getting laid tonight, am I?

- This is all of them? - We can't be sure.

So many people have vanished

and there are so many rats in the castle already.

[sighs] Well, one of 'em has to be Fen.

Okay, bottom line it for me.

What the fuck is going on?

I'm sorry, Your Highness.

But this magic, I've never seen it before.

Abigail? If you can hear me, squeak.

Let me know you're okay.

[sighs] Why didn't I study how to speak rat in school?

Okay, search the castle.

Find every rat.

And then Council meeting.

Or what's left of the Council.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

[heavy breathing]

[both moaning]

[chuckles]

What do we call that?

Mm...

- In-sex-tion? - [laughs]

Inter-cepti-course?

- Incepti-sex. - [giggles]

"Incepti-sex."

I like that.

That said, I like real life better.

Mm.

But at least this way, we don't have to get up for beers.

[laughs]

Thank you.

So, no pressure,

but...

any word on the Poison Room?

Believe me, I want to get in there.

It's--it's above my pay grade.

I need a code to get in.

Well, what about that librarian?

Oh, man, if she has the code,

it is locked down tighter than a nun's pussy.

Right, of course it is.

Hey, does she have a book of her?

Everyone has a book.

You're thinking...

If the room is that important--

It's in her book.

Okay.

I can work on that.

Hey, what's up with the Senator?

He went back to work.

He made up some bullshit excuse

about the kidnapping.

All the news outlets bought it.

But hey, get this--

I saw Reynard in the back of a press photo.

In a suit, like an advisor or something.

Are you kidding me?

He's a trickster.

Guess that includes his own son.

Jesus Christ.

[tense music]

We can't get one more vote?

We're in touch with Matthews, Bauer, Wheeler.

Just give 'em a couple of days, they'll come to their senses.

Call in Senator Cowden.

Why bother? He won't budge.

We can change his mind. Trust me.

How?

Everyone, give us a minute.

So they're taking your orders now?

Have been for a while.

I controlled their minds.

Just like you have, many, many times.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know you have that power.

You've been using it your whole life.

I always thought I had some kind of...

god-level good luck.

True, you've only used it instinctively,

but I'm here now.

I can teach you how to use it at will.

Easy.

And once you've mastered it,

that's how you get Cowden's vote.

I don't know that I want to do that.

- It feels like cheating. - They all don't cheat?

Everyone uses whatever they've got, John,

and the bad ones don't hesitate.

So someone like you,

someone who wants to do some

actual good in the world,

how can you not?

Here's all you have to do.

Look at me.

You look him straight in the eye,

and you tell him, plainly.

Directly.

That's it?

It's that simple.

Good luck with the meeting, Senator.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

[laughter, cheering]

Why would anyone want their afterlife

to look like a terrible middle school birthday party?

Is this about your "incident"?

- I moved on. - Have you?

- Julia? - Julia!

- Julia! - Oh, welcome!

Welcome!

Where's Bender? Is he okay?

He's great. He moved on.

Uh, who's your friend, and what's his shoe size?

Uh, we're not really here to bowl.

Kid, the first rule of being dead,

if you're here, ya bowl.

We're actually not dead, either.

Uh, we're here because we need your help.

Julia?

[chuckles]

What?

Nothing.

It's--it's good to see you, Richard.

- I mean, the real you. - The real me?

What happened?

I need your help.

I need to find my Shade.

Okay.

The underworld is massive. There's every ecosystem.

Nearest we can tell, about 2,000 islands

built to look like Hawaii.

And you went with a bowling alley?

Fuck yeah.

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