Original subtitles

Previously on "The Magicians"...

They know everything...

who you are, what you have done.

You cannot go back.

What am I supposed to do?

What we all do.

Decide.

_

- Hey, where's Kady? - Who gives a shit?

I don't think Penny even cares that she's gone.

Believe me, he does.

We're gonna make another you.

You sleep here, your mind goes into the golem.

The test was positive.

I want an abortion.

It's a totally mundane procedure.

Is it?

'Cause it might not be a simple, totally mundane human embryo.

Stop. What are you doing? Stop! Kady!

So sorry about this.

That's my Haxenpaxen!

Just imagine what it's giving off magically.

We're invisible while we're near him.

- Kady! - Your magic is no good here.

What's with Stink-master Flash?

- He's coming with us. - It's my mom's contact.

She could help with the baby situation.

They may be able to help your friend with her problem,

but listen, I would never, ever do business with them

if I had a choice.

Your majesties, the much-venerated Emissaries

of our neighbors to the north.

I present Prince Ess of Loria.

- You fucked with us. - Mm-hmm. Yes, you did.

- You fucked with our castle. - Amen, sister.

And now the High King and I

hereby declare war on the kingdom of Loria.

Yes!

Wait, really?

I cast the niffin summoning, and you didn't come.

You're wrong. I was right there.

I killed you. My cacodemon...

Your cacodemon wasn't powerful enough to kill me.

It tried.

But when it saw that it couldn't win,

well, let's just say it

stuffed me in a place most convenient...

that stupid tattoo trap on your back.

We're stuck with each other.

Oh, Quentin.

We're gonna have so much fun.

Stop ignoring me! Stop ignoring me, you pussy!

Pay attention to me, you miserable sad sack!

- What's wrong with you? - Stop it!

Are you ready to let me out of that hairy back of yours?

'Cause I'm never gonna stop.

And sooner or later, one of these dummies

are gonna call the brain police, and you got priors.

This is not Alice. This is not Alice.

This is not Alice. This is not Alice.

Just keep telling yourself that.

You have got to stop.

Fine. Let me out of this trap, and I'm gone.

Okay, look, Alice...

Evil Thing Inside of Me That Used to Be Alice...

I have to say the words to open the trap.

Of my own volition. Out loud.

And I'm not going to do that

because there is one policy for you out here,

and it is to box you up for eternity.

I'm kind of boxed up right now, in you.

It's not the same thing, and you know it.

Block of wood isn't trying to fix this. I am.

Save me? Is that what you think you're doing?

You think I want that?

I think if you were really you right now,

that's all you would want.

Oh, what, and you're the world's

foremost expert on all things me?

Based on what?

Our garbage fire of a relationship

that ended with Eliot's dick in your mouth?

Look, you came really close

to fixing this once for your brother.

I thought I did.

But I was like you then.

Small yet weirdly arrogant

for somebody who didn't understand magic at all.

If you would just work with me instead of jabbing at me,

we could figure out what's missing.

We could make the spell work.

We could do this.

Listen to me.

I promise, the math will never add up, Q.

You'll never get that girl back.

Everything that's missing burnt up when I became this.

It's gone forever, Q.

This isn't good for either of us.

No, no, this is making me saner by the second.

I don't want to hurt you.

I actually don't want to hurt anyone.

Bullshit, you're a niffin.

Q, I'm not bloodthirsty.

I just want to be free.

And I already told you I can't do that.

Fine. Just let me take over your body

for just the tiniest little bit.

I'll be good. I'll be so good.

No, that's crazy.

So I have to be a niffin, yet I don't even get to be a niffin?

I could travel the universe.

I could see things you couldn't even imagine,

but instead, I have to be bored and stuck with you!

I'm sorry that it is torture to be with the one person

who is trying to help you.

So go back to screaming until you go insane?

- Is that your choice? - No.

That's your choice.

Or you could be quiet.

And you can let me try and solve this.

Well, this is the place.

Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?

I mean, Goldie said they're legit.

Only one way to find out.

- Problem? - No problem.

We're just discussing how to handle your situation.

That's okay. My way is best way.

But you can abort it, right?

This is exorcism.

That thing is not human.

The longer it's inside you,

the more tangled it gets with your essence

and the harder it is for me to help you,

you understand?

Okay.

Then I exorcise the trickster for you.

After you pay. Thank you.

$1 million?

In gold.

Paper money is for drug dealers and idiots.

Look, Goldie will tell you I'm good for it.

Can you just do it now and we'll pay you later?

Bars. Two big bars.

Maybe 60 pounds.

That's all.

What?

No, I'm just... I'm trying to remember

the last time not having enough money

was one of my biggest problems.

Okay, well, cash won't cut it, so, what,

pawnshops?

A million dollars in chains and earrings?

I mean, that would take so many pawnshops.

We might as well rob a bank.

Well, we are Magicians.

Why don't we just rob a bank?

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

So there's really no way to just...

take it all back?

Your Majesty, one cannot simply take back

- a declaration of war. - Good.

Because I don't.

There are Lorian troops marching to the border.

They're days away.

We believe they intend to penetrate Fillory

by way of the Grudge Gap.

And, of course, our preparation is affected

by the continued... unsteadiness of the Wellspring.

Okay, well, we've got literally every engineer

in the kingdom working to de-shit-inate the Wellspring.

Gonna invent the guillotine in a hot second

if they don't get their shit together.

Everyone is doing their best, my queen.

We expect to clear said water shortly.

We're excessively optimistic.

Spare no expense.

Which brings me to my point.

Fixing the Wellspring is expensive.

War is expensive.

And at this time, we do not have the funds necessary...

We're broke?

It's magic residue.

Probably from a ward around the bank's underground vault.

It's a regular bank.

Regular banks have magical wards?

Ones connected to the Federal Reserve do, yeah.

Okay, so how do we get past it?

- Shit, it's... - The Haxenpaxen.

Hey, we can't just let it out.

If...

What the fuck?

Oh, my God. What the hell? A spoon?

I think it's dead.

What the hell was it besides huge and invisible?

Fuck. We have to stop the bleeding.

We should bury it properly.

Okay, but, Jules, we got to move, okay?

We really need to get somewhere safe.

Okay, like?

You're not gonna like it.

Have you seen the "Twilight" movies?

Specifically the last one?

No.

Huh. That's probably for the best.

Your problems extend beyond your uterus.

The fetus' élan vital is...

entangled with your soul.

I mean, I have read about this,

but I've... I've never seen it in person.

You will need to find a Mudang.

It's their area.

Yeah, we did. She was expensive.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I've been trying to get one on staff for years.

That poor girl is fucked.

And you are suggesting?

Let her stay.

I know that you expelled Kady

and that you are not generally keen on granting asylum,

especially to hedges.

Yes, well, this is a special case.

Julia and I have a past.

Handle it however you want, but for the record,

that girl will be safer at Brakebills.

Mm.

"How to transfer the energy from one being

"and transform it."

Hey, what... what are you two doing here?

What?

What's this bitch doing in my room?

I know.

This was her room, right?

I guess they haven't moved her stuff yet,

but Fogg said space was limited, so...

I talked to Kady.

What, no respect for the dead, Q?

You're just gonna let her sit on my bed?

Jules, I don't know what to say.

Say what you're thinking.

That I'm cursed.

Must've been a serial killer in a past life.

Yeah, raise your hand if she's the reason

that you fucking exploded in this life.

I'm sorry for everything that's happened.

Yeah, speak for yourself.

For everything that you're going through.

Mm, now you're just lying to her, Q.

I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time.

- Yeah, because you blame her. - I'm not blaming you for Alice.

If I'm being honest.

No, if I make you feel so shitty, just go.

- No. - Why?

I'm the reason. If I'm the reason, then...

'Cause that doesn't feel right either.

I don't know what's right.

My best friend in the world does crazy shit

and doesn't trust me and doesn't listen to me.

It is not that simple, and you know it.

I don't... What am I supposed to do?

You guys are both so goddamn maudlin.

I promised you, in Fillory,

when you told me about Reynard, that I would help you somehow,

and that is not a promise

that I intend on breaking.

So if there's anything that I can do...

Actually, there is.

Help us rob a bank.

Oh, my God, yes.

You say yes.

It's for Professor Mayakovsky!

It was destroyed by other books.

"Future Movements of Magic"

was written by a Polish scientist

who happened to be a...

What?

Jew.

So the eugenics books came for it.

I'm really sorry.

They've been put in the restricted section

with the other anti-Semitic texts.

Hey.

I'm...

Long story.

Anyway...

There's our little king.

So how have you been since, um...

Uh, I'm managing.

Um, how are things with you guys?

Glad you asked. We're at war.

Also, Fillory is seriously, dangerously stone-cold brok