All language subtitles for Mapp and Lucia s01e02.eng

SHE MISHITS PIANO NOTES

HE PLAYS PIANO BADLY

Naughty! Oh, come on, Georgie!

BOTH PLAY MOZART

Yes, that's better! Hee-hee!

Now, there are three types of sandwiches -

potted meat, fish paste and caviar.

And some of the Scotch shortbread I
know you're so fond of, Padre.

Tuck in!

Oh, Susan, dear!

NOTE PERFECT,
ACCOMPLISHED PIANO PLAYING

Ah! Divine Mozartino.

It's been an age
since I looked at that piece.

Yes, me too!
I think we did rather well.

CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY

Ace of spades.

And spades are trumps, are they?

I can't remember.

My king attacks in vain,
God bless him.

Your trick, Mrs Bartlett,
well played.

Ha-ha, well, what a hash
you made of that hand, Major!

If you had picked out your cards
at random,

you couldn't have
played any worse.

'Pologies, Miss Elizabeth. I played
like a baby. Won't happen again.

Susan, Diva, have some more food.

There's heaps left and, well,
it can't be saved.

We are replete, thank you,
Elizabeth.

Irene?

No, thanks, Mapp, not got much of an
appetite. What time is it?

ALL: Ten to seven.

Oh, well, in that case,
it's beddy-byes for me.

Oh, no, nonsense, dear,
it's far too soon to leave off.

In fact, we were just about to start
a new rubber, weren't we, Major?

Er, 'pon my word, if it is close
upon seven, then I, um...

One of the most charming evenings of
bridge

my wife and I have ever spent, Miss
Mapp. So many thanks.

But the caviar sandwiches...

Delicious. Good night, dear.

Aye, we'll call it a nicht.
Au reservoir.

Diva... your winnings!

Only coppers. Pick it up another
time. Good night!

So many thanks.

Caviar sandwiches?!
Lumpfish roe more like.

Wonderful to see you.

What shall I do with the food, miss?

~ Throw it. ~ All of it?

Yes, Withers, are you deaf?
All of it!

Not the caviar, obviously.
I'll have that for lunch.

I think Tilling will be very
good for our drawing, Georgie.

Mmm, we were doing nothing but trees
and clouds in Riseholme

and they needn't be straight.

~ Well, I've got the crooked chimney,
the one beyond your house. ~ Oh, yes.

Yes, I think I'll straighten it.

Otherwise people might think I've
drawn it crooked by accident.

~ Good morning! ~ Elizabeth.

Nice to see you up so early after
your little entertainment last night.

I was completely worn out
after my bridge party! May I peep?

Ah, yes.

Ahhhhh!

Ohh...

The crooked chimney.

Of course. Charming.

CAR HORN BEEPS

~ We shall have to move. ~ Tiresome...

A thousand apologies!

I had no idea who it was,
and for what artistic purpose,

occupying the roadway.

I would instantly have retreated
and gone round the other way

had I perceived in time.

You must send your sketches

to be considered for the Summer
Exhibition, Mrs Lucas.

Oh, I'm not sure the Royal Academy
would consider that I...

No, no, the Tilling Exhibition.

Algernon and I are on the hanging
committee, along with Miss Mapp.

I am sure we would look favourably
upon your submissions.

Oh, we must redouble our efforts,
Georgie.

I'm sure the standard in Tilling
is exceedingly high.

Indeed it is, but we do welcome
entries from all levels of ability.

Well, good luck, Lulu darling.

Submissions must be in by noon
tomorrow. Au reservoir!

Au r-r-r-reservoir.

So sorry to have intruded.
So sorry, so sorry.

A summer exhibition! How exciting!

I fear I must start over.

And there she was, in the middle of
the road, sketching, if you please!

Without any thought for passing
traffic.

She practically begged me

to accept her rubbishy little
effort for the summer exhibition...

What are you doing, dear?

Oh, toxins.
Got to flush out all the uric acid.

Read about it
in the Woman's Welfare.

Eight glasses an hour.
Or is it eight a day?

Well, it's the latest thing.

~ What happened to Christian Science?
~ I've gone off Christian Science.

I recited The True Statement of
Being till I was blue in the face,

but it didn't make a blind bit of
difference.

The True Statement of Balderdash
was a fitter name for such quackery.

~ What-ery? ~ Quackery.

Well, I've sent off for a new
health plan as a matter of fact,

but if you're going to be
sniffy about it...

Darling Diva, let us
not have cross words over your...

Is it too cruel to call them fads?

We should be building bridges,

not letting interlopers and Christian
scientists come between us.

Come and dine with me
tomorrow evening.

~ Can't. ~ Oh?

~ Lucia's having a cocktail party.
~ I see.

She's thanking everyone who helped
her with the fete,

and as you refused to...

Well, you shouldn't be
so mean, Elizabeth.

I should be getting on with
my jam-making anyway.

I can't let all your lovely garden
produce go to waste, can I?

That's all right, then.

Now if you'll excuse me...

Oh, I think
the floodgates are about to open!

~ Good night, ma'am. ~ Mm, mm.

OWL HOOTS

COCKEREL CROWS

Good morning, ma'am.

Grosvenor, send this to the framer's
immediately

and ask them to forward it
to Miss Mapp's house.

Foljambe will do the same with
Mr Pillson's.

~ I think they will work well as a
pair. ~ Very good, ma'am.

Hmm. Very good, ma'am.

Mr Pillson!

Mr Pillson!

What is it, Foljambe?

All this came for you, sir.
From your sisters.

BARKING

Sh!

Oh, dear...

Let's just keep this to
ourselves for now, Foljambe.

We were deep in the jungle
outside Jaipur.

I'd just sat down for a spot
of tiffin when he was on me.

I slashed it, just like that,
with my riding whip,

right on the villain's nose.

I snatched up the rifle and fired it
point-blank at the heart.

Boom! Beast rolled over.

Dead.

Goodness.

Morning, Pillson, old chap.
To what do I owe the, er...?

I'm terribly sorry to wake you,
Major,

~ I shall come back when it's more
convenient... ~ Nonsense!

Just lost track of time, that's all.

I was up late revising my Indian
diaries...

Well, I just wanted to have a brief
word with you, if you don't mind,

about golf.

Golf?

Yes, I believe there is a golf...
field quite close to Tilling.

We drove by it on the way in.

Play a little, do you?

Not recently, though I used to
play with my sisters.

~ Eh? ~ Golf, I mean.

I'd be very grateful if you could
jot down the details for me.

Please.

Absolutely. Fellows our age need to
do a bit of exercise,

else we start going to seed,
know what I mean?

~ Yes... ~ Take a seat.

~ Thank you. ~ Quai hai!

These just came from the framer's,
Miss.

From Mrs Lucas and Mr Pillson.

Good!

If there's one thing I know that
woman can't do, it's draw...

Should I throw the paper, Miss?

No.

Call the delivery boy back and tell
him I have another errand for him.

"Dear Mrs Lucas.

"Many thanks for your submission.

"Unfortunately, due to
limited wall space,

"it will not be
possible on this occasion..."

Oh.

Georgie, have you received...?

~ 'Yes, just now.' ~ So have I.

So cruel of her. It's barbaric.

Well, there are three
people on the committee, Georgie.

~ 'It must have been a majority vote.'
~ It's a declaration of war.

I feel like the 4th of August, 1914.

BARKING

~ 'What's that noise?'
~ Nothing, nothing.

'W-W-What will you do?'

I shall take a season
ticket for the exhibition...

Sorry, I can't quite hear you.

I shall take a season ticket for the
exhibition and go there every day.

'It's the only way to take it.
They might not want our pictures'

but we mustn't be small about it.
Dignity, Georgie, dignity.

Absolutely.

~ Hello. ~ How do you do?

~ Very many lovely submissions for us
to choose from. ~ Oh, splendid.

I haven't looked through them all
myself.

Padre, Mrs Padre, any news?

Mr Pillson called on Major Flint
this morning.

They were talking about golf.

The window was open,
I couldn't help overhearing.

Well, well, Aunt Georgie's got a bit
more sauce in him than I thought.

Here, I'm just about to submit
this to the art show.

They're meeting now at Mapp's,
I believe.

What do you think?

It's called Female Wrestlers.

Aye...'tis a bonny scene.

The one on the left is Lucy.

Uncanny.

The committee will hate it,
of course, but I don't care.

This town could do with
shaking up a bit.

~ Ach, well, a wee bit argle-bargle
keeps the talk lang. ~ Absolutely.

DOG BARKING

Isn't that Mr Pillson?
I didn't know he kept a dog.

Who's walking who?

Quai hai, Pillson!

This way, Tiptree, this way. Ohh!

Tiptree! Tiptree, Tiptree,
you naughty dog!

I'm so terribly sorry. Tipsie!

Tipsie!

~ Woff! ~ Oh! ~ And off he goes.

Ahh, yes, there there.

Ah, Elizabeth, so glad you could
make it at such short notice.

I can't imagine where
your invitation could have got to.

Not to worry, darling Lulu,
all's well that ends well.

Lovely cocktails by the way,

have you been peeking at my recipe
books again?

Some punch, madam?

~ May as well drink poison.
Full of chromagens. ~ Oh, dear.

Stick to water,
doing me the world of good.

Oh, excuse me...

I believe you challenged the Major
to a round of golf, Mr Pillson?

Yes, yes, perhaps once I have my
sticks...

Clubs, Georgie, even I know that.

We'll see if the milliner can beat
the military, eh what! Ha-ha!

Very droll.

~ Susan, dear, so delighted you
could make it. ~ Delighted to be here.

~ Algernon, what a joy. ~ Dear lady.
~ Now you must have some punch.

~ Oh, I think Grosvenor seems to have
stepped out. ~ Allow me, dear lady.

~ Ah. ~ Thank you, Algernon.

How well I remember seeing you
drawing that

and how long I took to forgive
myself

for having disturbed you in
my blundering car.

A perfect little masterpiece.

Mallards Cottage and the crooked
chimney. To the life.

Perfectly delightful.
The lights, the shadows...

What a touch!

I think I'll just take
a tour around the garden.

My roses will never forgive me...

How I wish I'd known you had
finished it!

I should have begged you to allow us
to have it for our Art Exhibition.

It would have been the gem of it.
Cruel of you, Mrs Lucas.

But I sent it in to the hanging
committee.

And Georgie sent his, too,
of Mallards.

But they were sent back to us.

But impossible!

I am on the committee myself

and I hope you cannot think
I should have been such an imbecile.

Susan, this gem, this little
masterpiece never came before us.

Never!

There has been some hanky-panky.

Algernon, please!

That picture never
came before the hanging committee.

I think what happened
is that the framer

misunderstood our servants'
instructions

and they returned the pictures to us
before the committee had sat at all.

So you never saw them!

~ No. ~ But what must you have
thought of us?

That you did not conscientiously
think much of our art.

I felt sure that my little picture

had a hundred faults
and feeblenesses.

How we congratulate ourselves
that all is now clear.

What a stupid, stupid errand boy!

Hm.

Algernon, our exhibition must secure
Mrs Lucas's picture immediately,

~ and Mr Pillson's too. ~ Oh, yes.
~ Thank you.

Of course, of course, but how are we
to find room? Everything is hung.

Oh, I'm sure the committee will
think of something.

Such a bright idea of Mr Wyse's,
putting both your piccies on easels.

Makes them quite
the highlight of the exhibition.

And your pretty watercolour,
Elizabeth, where's that?

On the wall just behind yours,
precious one.

People might just catch a glimpse of
it

if they stretch on their tippytoes.

Oh, yes, it's delightful.

Mr Wyse, I wish to purchase
Miss Mapp's painting.

Aha!

A sale!

And I should like
to purchase... Mrs Lucas's.

Oh, thank you so much.

~ Sale! ~ I do hope you enjoy it.

Slight shame to split up the pair,
though, don't you think?

Mm, mm. Mm.

Sale!

Ohh!

RIPPLE OF APPLAUSE

Are ye going early, Mistress Mapp?

CHAMPAGNE CORKS POP

INDISTINCT CHATTER

INDISTINCT CHATTER

INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

SHE SIGHS

~ FLESH SIZZLES
~ Ahh! Blast!

DOORBELL RINGS

Withers!

DOORBELL RINGS

Withers!

DOORBELL RINGS

Yes?

Hady ommm, hady ommm, hady ommm.

May I speak to the lady of the house?

I am... she.

Beloved lady, I am he

you have been searching for.

I am your guru.

Peace be to this house.

Ommm!

Do you want me to
get rid of him, Miss?

Not just yet, Withers.

He looks so peaceful and contented.

What does a Guru do, Miss?

No idea.

But no-one else in Tilling
has got one, that's for sure.

Mrs Wyse bought Mr Wyse's teacup
and wallflower,

Mr Wyse bought Mrs Wyse's King Of
Italy as a present for his sister -

she's married to an Italian count.

Kenneth bought my Autumn Mists

and I bought his
Saint George And The Dragon.

That was very decent of you
and Mapp to pose for that one.

Don't fret, Evie dear,
just my little joke.

What the...?

DOG BARKS

Lucia!

You'll never guess in a hundred
years what I've just seen!

Don't be tantalising,
how can I possibly guess?

~ Diva with a pink elephant.
~ No...

~ Mr Wyse wearing Susan's fur coat.
~ If you're not going to be serious...

Elizabeth with an Indian
in an orange turban.

Yes! But how...?

You saw them, didn't you?

Well, she did parade him
rather ostentatiously,

I could hardly fail to notice.

~ Any other news?
~ But who do you suppose he is?

Evie thinks he looks like
a maharajah.

~ Wouldn't that be thrilling?
~ For Major Flint, perhaps,

who has some knowledge of
the Indian subcontinent.

How is he, by the way?

The pair of you seem very chummy
all of a sudden.

Oh, Lucia, you're perfectly
maddening!

Aren't you in the slightest bit
curious about Elizabeth's Indian?

No such gentleman has been
presented to me, Georgie,

therefore I must remain officially
ignorant of his existence.

I think you will agree
that's the proper thing to do.

~ Diva not with you?
~ She isn't well.

~ Dr Dobbie thinks she's suffering
from water retention. ~ Oh, dear.

Guru, dear,

I would like to introduce you
to a neighbour of mine.

My dearest friend, Evie Bartlett.

Oh, yes, beloved lady,

I know her already.

For I can see into
her clear, white soul.

I believe she is a lady of
the most extraordinary sanctity.

Peace be unto you, my friend.

How do you do, Guru?

I am always well because
I follow the Way.

Which way?

Yoga, gracious lady,
yoga and meditation.

Let us meditate together, yes?

Ommm!

Ommm!

He seems so very much...

How shall I put it?

So very much sent to me.

I don't even know his name,

and his religion
forbids him to tell me it.

He is just my guru.

My guide.

He has the spare bedroom,

where he "meditates" and does Prana
and Pranayama, which is breathing.

You stop up one nostril,
inhale through the other...

THEY INHALE

.. hold...

and release.

THEY EXHALE

Yes, most bracing.

'Yoga is a union of mind and body.

'It appeals to people, like myself,

'who are very spiritual...'

My Guru has no money at all,

which is quite beautiful of him.

And he looked so pained
and disappointed

when I suggested that
I might give him some.

Oh, and the way he has with food!

Ah, Major.

I am rather hoping you might be able
to dine with me tonight?

Ah, apologies, Mrs Lucas.
Prior engagement.

~ Oh. Another time perhaps.
~ Indeed.

Good morning.

MAPP: Major, come in.

What that man cannot do
with some mutton,

flour and coriander seed
is nobody's business.

Ooh, top drawer, old chap.

One more cup of tea and then
I must chase you away,

for Guru has to commune with
his Guides at least twice a day.

I seem to feel the call.

And if I may, Guru,

what do your Guides tell you?

They say,

"Go where sent,

"stay if needed."

He sometimes leaves out
little words

because they don't really matter.

~ DOORBELL RINGS
~ Oh, more guests!

Do excuse me.

CHANTING: Om-m-m-m!

~ Where is he?
~ Where's who?

My Guru!

~ Your Guru, dear? ~ Yes. I'm the one
who sent away for him.

Oh, and there's me thinking
he was a free-minded human being

and not an item
in the Eaton's Catalogue.

Don't be sarcastic, Elizabeth.

I wrote to the London Hindu Society
weeks ago asking about an instructor

in Yoga. Well, I mean, I-I-I
showed it to you in my magazine!

Quite a coincidence, but my Guru
said that I was sent to him,

~ and he to me. ~ Well, this is my house
and he was sent to me!

That is out of my control,
fractious one,

for you agreed to rent me your house
when Mrs Lucas rented mine.

Well, I didn't agree that you could
dig up all my marrows to make that

~ hideous marrow jam! ~ Well, I cannot
see how that is relevant, dear.

Now, if you don't mind,
I will close the door,

because Guru is very sensitive
to negative vibrations.

Peace and love! Ommmm...

~ You have to breathe deeply
and say "Om". ~ Say what? ~ Om.

I understand the ejaculation
to be "Om".

Apparently it makes one
feel light and vigorous.

Hm, it would be wonderful indeed
if dear Elizabeth felt light.

Well, I think it sounds
rather interesting.

None of us getting any younger,
Lucia.

My dear, you haven't aged a day
in the decade I've known you.

Well, that's very kind of you, but
I have lines and a paunch, so there.

I'm considering asking Elizabeth

if the Guru might take me on
as a pupil.

My dear, I doubt very much
she'd agree to that.

It's not up to her to agree
or disagree, surely.

You're being naive, Georgie.

Elizabeth wishes to run the Guru
as she wished to run me -

as a novelty, a stunt.

If you go scurrying to her
as the others have done,

you'll be playing directly
into her hands.

And what if yoga isn't a fad?
What if it sticks?

We'll be on the outside looking in.

Elizabeth's house will be teeming
with visitors while we have none.

I'm sorry for providing you
with such poor company.

Lucky for you, you have
a new pet dog you seem

so anxious to hide from me.

Yes, well that isn't mine,
it's Foljambe's.

Now I've pricked my thumb, tiresome.

Oh, Georgino mio,
un po di musica, si?

We've been frightfully naughty,
neglecting poor Mozart.

No, thank you, I'm feeling
rather tired.

I think I shall go home and practice
my breathing exercises. Good night.

"Dear Elizabeth..."

Good evening.

Ah, good evening, my friend.

~ I'm Mr Pillson.
~ Yes, I know who you are.

You have a kind heart
and a pure soul.

A pure, white soul.

I should very much like to speak to
you about yoga, Guru. I-I-I feel...

I feel like it might
do me a lot of good.

Ah!

You wish to have the
body of a younger man?

Yes, please.

I can help you, my friend.
But you must be strong.

The paths to enlightenment
brings us many temptations.

Many temptations...

Well I-I-I live in Mallards Cottage,
which is just across the road.

If you could see your way
clear to...

MAPP: Guru? Guru dear?

I hear voices. Are you communing?

The lady of the house
wishes me to cook for her.

Do not worry, I will seek you out.

~ Good night, my friend.
~ Good night, Guru.

HE SNORES LIGHTLY

BANGING DOWNSTAIRS

BANGING AND CLATTERING

WOMAN: Here, take this.

Not my bibelots...

If you move I shall fire!

SCREAMING

Oh, for goodness' sake, Georgie!

~ You scared the bally life out of us!
~ Hermione, Ursula, what...?

Hope you don't mind, bro,
we arrived early.

~ Thought we'd have a midnight feast.
~ What's happened to your hair?

HE SHRIEKS

THEY LAUGH

You, ah, said in your letter
you were taking the train.

It was such a lovely day we decided
to bicycle down instead for a lark.

We thought we might as well
do it all in one go.

~ 120 miles if it's a yard.
~ Is it really?

Then it was so late when we got here
we thought we wouldn't disturb you,

especially as the drawing-room
window wasn't bolted.

Jolly plucky of you, Georgie,
to come down and beard us.

Yes, well. I-I was
just playing along.

How are you getting on with Tiptree?

He can be quite fierce but he loves
his jam, don't you, Tipsiwipsy?

Yes, we've become
quite good friends, haven't we?

DOG GROWLS

THEY LAUGH

Will your sisters be joining
you for lunch today, sir?

Oh, I'll say! Can't wait to meet
all your new chums.

No, no, no, I've arranged
for you to go and play golf.

Well, Foljambe won't want you
cluttering up the place,

~ smoking and being sarcastic.
~ Makes no odds to me, sir.

Golly, what an iceberg.

Ah, now, speaking of ice-maidens
where's your mistress?

Has she got the house next door?

If you're referring to Lucia
then, yes, she has.

Hers is Mallards,
mine's Mallard's Cottage.

~ Oh, how perfectly sickening.
~ Have you built a tunnel between them

~ where you can meet for midnight
trysts? ~ Oh, Hermy, really...

He's not denying it!

THEY LAUGH

Lucia and I are very good friends
and that's all there is to it.

If you must know we had something
of a row last night.

~ BOTH: Ooohhh.
~ A lover's tiff.

I Hope it was about me
and Ursy coming to stay,

~ we know she hates us.
~ Not at all.

In fact, I haven't quite got round
to telling her you're here yet.

Why? Do we embarrass you?

Lucia and I are new in Tilling

and things are at a rather
delicate stage.

I do you love you, my dears,
but, well...

delicacy isn't quite your thing,
is it?

THEY LAUGH

DOOR OPENS

From Mrs Lucas, Miss.

Ha, finally - an invitation
to an "intimate dinner".

Oh, how gracious of Her Majesty(!)

And she'd be delighted if I brought
the sacred Brahmin she's been

hearing so much about -
yes, I suppose she would!

Any reply, Miss?

She sends her apologies but
she must regretfully decline.

She has a number of engagements
all this week, and next.

Thank you, Grosvenor.
That... That'll be all.

Oh, Diva, dear, I don't believe
you've met my guru.

Oh, for pity's sake!

A simple soul.

But quite highly-strung.

I just wondered if Guru and yourself
would care to dine with us

tomorrow evening at Starling?

Algernon and I are keen to see
a demonstration of his yoga.

Shall we say 7.30?

No-one would be more
delighted than I

should my guru consent
to take you as a pupil.

But I can't tell what he will do.

As he said to me
when he first arrived:

"I cannot come unless I be sent."

Well, let us hope that he be sent
to Starling Cottage tomorrow evening

at 7.30. Drive on, Gashley.

Yes, we'll see about that.

Guru?

Guru, dear.

Guru?

~ Elizabeth.
~ Lulu.

Thank you.

The Major won't be long, he's
just finishing his porridge.

Nobody in Tilling follows British
summer time, it's quite tiresome.

Guru?

Ah, now, let me guess, this must be
Mapp. I can tell by the teeth.

She's like a lioness
who's lost a cub.

~ No, more like a hungry shark
tracking a seal pup. ~ Oh, Let's see.

No, no, no, girls, don't...!

Gut them for me, would you,
please, Mr Hopkins?

There's just something
I need to pick up first.

Morning! Have you lost something?

Miss Mapp. These are my sisters,
Hermione and Ursula.

Oh! How-de-do?

We've been hearing all about you
and your mysterious guru.

Yes, Georgie's rather peeved
you won't share him.

~ Could do with shedding a few pounds,
couldn't you, Podge? ~ I, um...

He's such as gentle soul,
you know, a Brahmin,

of the very highest caste.

I don't suppose you've seen him,
have you, Mr Pillson?

Only I was just talking to Susan,
now he seems to have...

~ Slipped his chain?
~ .. levitated to another plane.

Oh, yes, these Brahmins are a dab
hand at astral projection, you know.

Om!

Ah, yes, he headed off towards
your house, Miss.

No, dear, I've just come from there.

No, not the house were you're
staying, Mrs Plaistow's house.

I mean your actual house. Mallards.

He was chatting to Mrs Lucas.

In.

THEY INHALE

Hold.

Exhale.

Ahhh.

Elizabeth, dear, look who I bumped
into on the high street.

Poor thing was quite lost.

Grosvenor, fetch Miss Mapp a chair.

Oh, that's quite all right, I prefer
to stand because I can't stay long.

Guru, dear, it is
almost time for tiffin.

Oh, but you must have tiffin here.

We would not dream
of imposing on you,

I know how incredibly busy you are -

with all these lovely parties
I've been hearing so much about.

But I did invite you
for supper tonight, dear.

Naughty of you not to have
mentioned it to Guru.

But, see, beloved ladies,
how pleasant we all are. Huh?

Take not too much thought when it is
only white souls who are together.

Send out a message of love.

HE INHALES

~ Ommm!
~ Ommm!

Ommm!

ALL: Ommm!

There! Shall we?

We were making such lovely plans.
Guru's going to teach us all

yoga classes. Aren't you, Guru?

I seem to feel the call.

~ Surely the Guides tell me that
what you call classes, yes... ~ Yes.

.. that is what I am sent to do.

I teach, you learn.

We all learn.

Guru, dear, what with all the
stretching and the postures,

I don't think we have the space...

Oh, we wouldn't dream of invading
Wasters, Elizabeth. I know how much

work you've undertaken in the garden.

Fruit and vegetables were included
in the lease, precious one,

and now I think of it, ha!
We will have lots of space.

My dear, you are far too unselfish.

It is simply trespassing on your
good nature should you lodge

AND board the Guru while
he teaches us all yoga.

He should stay here!

There's copious space on the lawn,

and for meditation we have
the giardino segreto,

so quiet and spiritual,
and not at all overlooked.

Perhaps, darling Lucia, it would
be as well to ask my guru

if he has anything
to say on the subject.

England is still a free country,

even if you happen to
come from India.

Beloved ladies...

.. the Guides have spoken.

This is a beautiful place.

I must follow where I am led.

Well, that's settled, then.

I'll just send for his things.

What? Classes in yoga?

And pranayama, which is breathing.

Five shillings a lesson.

Hoots awa', a crown to be
taught how to breathe?

Sure a babe newly plucked from his
mammy can manage that for naught!

Yes, but this is a special
type of breathing,

with postures and meditation.

I'm no' sure that's something we can
be associated with, Evie dear.

Yoga is rooted in Hinduism,
cannae be separated from it.

No, I may have to seek
guidance from the Bishop.

Yes, but can't we just do the
postures without the breathing?

Elizabeth said it can make you
strong and lean...

and ten years younger.

~ Ah, Good morning.
~ Morning, Grosvenor.

GURU: Inhale.

Exhale.

Triangle pose,
three Konasana.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Tree pose.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Adho mukha svanasana,
downward dog.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Oh, yes, most invigorating.

Jolly good drill. Gets the old
claret flowing, what!

THEY CHUCKLE

I feel such a difference already.

Like I could never be hasty
or worried ever again.

Yes, I went through all of that
at my first lesson.

Didn't I, Guru?

Will you tell Mrs Lucas all about
levitation or will you wait

till she's a little further on?

Tell me, sir, where in Benares
were you lodged?

I was stationed there for a spot
during the second innings.

Benares.

Benares. A holy place.

Yes.

Which side of the river,
east or west?

There are no sides, only one whole.

Extraordinary.

There are wonderful
vibrations today.

Can you feel them?

I believe some word
is on way from the Guides,

a great message of light.

Please...

~ Please. ~ Please. ~ Please.

Please.

Au reservoir.

It's the deceitfulness
that I find so objectionable.

She practically kidnapped my poor
guru outside of Twistevants,

by all accounts, and frog-marched
him up to Mallards.

Serves you out for pinching him
from me in the first place.

She's interred the poor man in the
spare room so that she alone can

run him and be the High Priestess
of all things mystic in Tilling.

As you yourself wanted to be.

Face it, Elizabeth, you just
can't stand her winning.

Everyone knows you sent her
picture back out of spite.

I did no such thing!

You could tell she was a real
artist as soon as you saw it

and you were green with envy.

That sketch was almost like
a photograph.

So sorry, Diva, dear.
How foolish of me.

I must have left my gloves.
Um, you go on.

Why would I want to go that way?

Ah, Grosvenor, silly of me,

so absent-minded, I've left
my gloves in the garden room.

No need to bother Mrs Lucas.

She traced it.

What a cheat.

Found them, Miss?

Um...

Yes, Grosvenor. All done.

I'll see myself out, shall I?

.. slashed him with my riding whip,
right on the villain's nose.

Snatched up my rifle and fired
point-blank at his heart.

BOOM! Beast rolled over.

~ Dead.
~ Hole in one, eh, Major?

~ Ha-ha, capital! Very droll.
~ Hermy, we need to get some more fags.

~ We smoked all of Georgie's
last night. ~ Right-ho.

Well, thanks for the round, Major.

Total pleasure, sirs,
total pleasure.

~ Shame we got caught up on that
pesky 19th hole, what! ~ Indeed.

~ The King...God bless him!
~ God bless the King.

Gentleman.

Au reservoir.

~ Do think he'll be all right?
~ Gupta!

Hello, old bean. What on Earth
are you doing here?

THEY LAUGH

Georgie! You'll never guess!

Guess what?

The Guru, the Om, of high caste
and extraordinary sanctity...

The Brahmin of Benares,
the Great Teacher,

who do you think he is?

My dears, you needn't talk quite
so loud, all Tilling will hear you.

~ Let them! ~ He's one of the cooks
from the Calcutta Restaurant

on Bedford Street. You know,
next to the Hindu Society.

Yes, we often lunch there. Gupta
makes the most delicious curries.

~ Especially when he's
a little bit tipsy! ~ Mmm!

~ Ah, "Gupta"? ~ Yes, He is no more
a Guru than Foljambe is!

And to think of you and Lucia
sitting at his feet,

drinking in his wisdom!

Ommm!

I'm sorry, I don't believe you.
You must have the wrong person.

He's wanted by the police,
don't you read the papers?

Oh, of course they don't. If it
doesn't happen in Tilling

~ it doesn't exist. ~ He was fired
for being drunk at work...

For the umpteenth time...

.. so he took off with
the day's takings.

Ursy, shame there's no reward -
we'd have been quids in.

Oh, boo!

THEY LAUGH

KNOCK ON DOOR
Aaah, y-y-yes...?

It's Foljambe, sir. I think
you better come downstairs.

What's gone, Georgie?

~ My bibelots.
~ Your what?

His bibelots.

All his precious items -

a Louis XVI snuff-box,

Bow China,

the Faberge cigarette-case...

There, there, Foljambe,
don't upset yourself.

They took �100 in banknotes
and my Roman pearls.

My snuff box alone
is worth more than that.

~ I'm going to call the police.
~ 'Let us not be too hasty, dear.'

I think we need to talk matters
over with our guru first.

Yes, I...

I'll come over.

~ Anything Missing?
~ Well, I don't think so.

Ah! There was a deck of cards...

Oh, you took them upstairs, Miss,
with your evening tray.

~ Well, in that case, all accounted
for. ~ Oh, thank goodness!

Have we been robbed, Miss?

Robbed? We've been snubbed.

Heaps of stuff's gone from
Mr Pillson's, and Lucia's lost...

QUIETLY: �100.

Yes, well, she would, wouldn't she?

She probably left it lying around.

Are you sure they've been burgled?

~ GENTLE KNOCKING
~ Guru.

He isn't here.

Oh, dear, I...

Brandy? I didn't know
that gurus drank.

Yes, about that...

KNOCK ON DOOR

MAPP: May I just scriggle through,
Grosvenor?

I have a matter of the utmost
urgency to discuss with Mrs Lucas.

~ But you can't...
~ It's all right, Grosvenor.

Elizabeth, dear,
what can I do for you?

There are rumours flying around -
servants' tittle-tattle, no doubt -

~ that both you and Mr Pillson were
burgled in the night. ~ Burgled?

Yes, and when I made a quick search
of my own humble possessions,

I was dismayed to find that I was
missing five silver spoons,

eight silver forks and my
grandpapa's Georgian tankard.

I could have spared all
but the last.

We were indeed violated last night.

I lost �100 and Georgie several
items of sentimental value.

There's nothing sentimental
about a Faberge cigarette case!

I do hope our Guru is not disturbed.

He has often said to me that
he cannot remain in a house

~ where wicked emotions are at play.
~ Well, I think...

~ He's not a guru!
~ What?! ~ He's not a guru.

He's a chef from the Calcutta
Restaurant in Bedford Street

and he's wanted by the police.
For stealing.

And how, may I ask, did you
come by this information?

My sisters recognised him.

They've been staying with me
for a few days.

I would have told you but I thought
they might upset the balance.

They've certainly done that,
all right.

~ And how did this...
~ Gupta.

How did this Gupta
end up in Tilling?

Diva wrote a letter to some
yoga centre in London.

He must have read it somehow.

~ The police will soon discover.
~ Ought we to telephone them?

Well, yes, I'd consider it my duty.

I shall tell them
that the Indian gentleman,

who has for the past few days
been living with Mrs Lucas,

has stolen my spoons, my forks
and my Queen Anne tankard.

I thought you said it was Georgian?

I'm under a lot of stress!

Elizabeth, dear, before you do
anything at all, just listen to me

for two minutes.

Consider this. What sort
of figure shall we all cut

if we do put this matter
into the hands of the police?

It'll soon come out that we've been
taking spiritual guidance from...

a curry-cook.

We've been made fools of. But for
my part I simply couldn't bear

that everybody should know
I've been made a fool of.

I suggest we let it be known
that dear Elizabeth's guru

has had to leave us
quite suddenly...

~ My guru?! ~ .. that his Guides
have sent him elsewhere.

His work here is done, he has
established our classes

and set all our feet upon the Way.

I will say that
I have found my money,

~ that Grosvenor had to move it for
safe-keeping. ~ And my bibelots?

A practical joke.

Your sisters hid them
for safekeeping

and now you have them back.

You'll have to explain
it all to Foljambe.

And what about Hermy and Ursy?
They're dying to tell everyone.

I'll have them here for lunch,

and give them a bottle -
two bottles - of champagne.

Not to make them drunk, you
understand, but to make them kind.

Elizabeth?

No, I'm sorry, I cannot cover up
such criminal behaviour

and lie to my friends
and neighbours.

If there's one thing I'm known
for in Tilling it is my readiness

to speak to the truth, and painful
though it might be on this occasion,

I feel it is my civic
responsibility to...

Ah...

Georgie, speak to your sisters and
smooth things over with Foljambe.

Your bibelots can be replaced.

Your reputation is of
a far greater value.

Excuse me.

Well?

I feel sure that Mr and Mrs Wyse
will fully understand

why I felt the need
to return your sketch.

It was, after all, a fraud.

~ A fraud, dear?
~ Traced from a photograph.

Strictly against Art Society rules.

I merely wished to spare you
the embarrassment of exposure,

~ but since you give me no choice...
~ I flatly deny the accusation.

Oh, do you?! Do you?!

Well, how do you explain this?!

Where is it?
Where's my Tilling Views?

Oh, Elizabeth, don't tell me
that wretched guru made off

with that as well?

As your tenant I will
naturally reimburse you.

You...

Shall we call it a score draw, dear?

.. after all, his work here was done.

He had established our classes and
set all of our feet upon the Way.

He always said something
of the sort might happen.

But to pop off like that
without saying goodbye...

What about our studies?

Well, I, for one, should be
very sorry to drop them

and I'm sure you all feel the same.

Georgie looks ten years
younger already.

As for Susan, I wish I could trip
about as daintily as she does.

I propose that we
continue our lessons.

And if Lucia

would do us the honour
of being our teacher...

Only if you share the burden,
dear Elizabeth, I couldn't

possibly manage it on my own.

Well, then, it is settled.
And thank you Lucia.

Bravo, ladies.

Now, then, if we would all like to
find ourselves a space, perhaps

~ we could commence with the Flat
Back Forward Bend. ~ Absolutely.

Shall we?

What the deuce is going on, Pillson?

One minute the claws are out the
next they're gambolling about

like a pair of spring lambs.

It's a truce, Major.
Entente cordiale.

Ah, Got you.

Armistice.

And will the peace hold?

Oh, I very much hope not.

THEY LAUGH

Take a few wide steps

and inhaling and raising our arms
to the sky,

lean forward into a flat back
forward bend,

reaching for the floor, if possible
touching the floor, and exhale...

It's like meeting all my favourite
characters from a book.

~ Horrible to think of.
~ Not cross with poor Lucia.

~ We have to take the bree with
the barm, as they say. ~ Quite.

I knew it. I knew it.

SCREAMING LAUGHTER

I shall see you at lunch!
Hm!

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