Original subtitles

Subtitles downloaded www. Opensubtitles. Org

This is harry goodspeed and the plastic cup boyz,

Here in the mix, Kevin Hart and mingle after-party, baby.

He is going down.

Let's go, baby!

Hey, that little idiot there dancing!

Hey, let's do this!

Madness, as usual. Crazy.

Yo, I'm about to make a toast. Are you trying to roll?

No, no. I have some girls on the stairs waiting for me.

Okay, well. Ew! Nasty ass.

Brian, let's go. And stop leaving me, jackass!

Beat, I'm about to make a toast, yo.

Hey! Hey, yo! Yo! All over the world, as well fast. Let me call your attention.

Welcome to my mix and mingle event, the entire world.

Yes, that's right, boy!

We're toasting to a great year, man. It has been a great year for me.

We're going to have a blast today. Drinks are free, it is everything to me.

The big k! / It's a party!

Have fun, everyone!

Kevy-Kev! Baby boy! / What's going on, baby?

How are you feeling, sweetheart? Nice to see you.

Hey, thanks for inviting a brother dapper as I was.

No problem, guy.

They say that you are not speaking with your father.

That shit is true?

Not. Let me explain one thing. Look, this is not.

Get your shit together.

Not. Not, guy. Hey, Hey. I can explain why.

Hey, boo! / Wow! How are you doing?

It is true that you do not mess with the bitches dark skin no more?

Huh?

You are neither dark skin!

Let me explain one thing.

No, no, no, no / i said. Wait, now.

I don't want to hear it. Not my girls.

Do your girls? Listen, let me talk with you.

What are you doing, guy? / You have some nerve damn!

Get your ass in here, man.

That girl be yelling at me. I can fucking yell back.

Nigga, you asked for it! This is the price of fame.

This is the fucking most stupid I've ever heard.

I can't deal with you, guy.

I need someone to talk some sense into her asshole.

Harry / you, spank!

This is stupid for you to be beaten.

Yo! Listen, jackass here crazy,

Because it can not compare with Eddie Murphy.

What was that? / What?

In the first place, calm. First of all, I never said anything like that.

Dude! This is the price of fame / What the fuck are you. I have never said.

Let me explain one thing, beat. What I have just said.

Ain't nobody trying to hear that shit.

Hey, yo, yo. Yo. Hey, na'im!

Damn kev here get upset because soul plane bombed.

It bombed. He failed to do / that was yesterday!

This is the price of fame. You asked for it.

Kev, Kev. Kevin Hart-bitch / what the fuck is this?

Not. Wait a little, guy. Look, I'm a fan.

Oh, thank you very much / but only in the United States.

What? / You are not shit until you run in Paris.

Ok / old mano lab-Ass. Bitch Local-Ass.

Let's go, guys.

Hey, terry! Hey! Get him out of here!

Hey! Hey!

I can't believe this shit, man.

Whoa! You must be kidding me.

I can't even amuse myself with my own mix and mingle party.

I put this party together!

Why can't I enjoy myself?

Because I'm dealing with a group of people who want to tell me about my life.

Why you will speak for yourself? You know what?

Be a man and confront someone.

Want me to explain?

This is exactly what imma do. Nate! Nate!

Where is nate at? Have you seen nate? Nate!

Come here.

I know what I want to do.

I want you to turn to the garden,

Tell them that I'm going down there to get some shit off my chest now.

Kevin, all this food, and you want Olive Garden, guy? For real?

Nate, ain't nobody talking about no jardim de oliveira cursed.

I'm talking about madison square garden, nate.

Tell them that I'm going down there now to explain a few things.

We can't simply call the garden / hell, nate! What are you doing?

Look, we do not go back and forth. This is not why I pay.

Ok, I get paid to do what I ask him to do.

Now, what I am asking you to do needs to be done.

Then, do it!

Kev, do you know how many people madison's going to hold up?

God, nate, if i.

Why am I going back and forth with you? Huh?

Is that your work? You do not go back and forth with me.

Nate, I'm going to give a punch.

I'll double-Punch your face, and I'll break both eyes.

You are seriously the boss, kev, all right / you're right damn I'm the boss.

And let me tell you something about the boss.

Sometimes, when the boss gets hungry, he turns into an elephant.

Which means that he needs some nuts.

And now, that I'm about to grab some nuts.

Exactly what this means, however, kev?

Cale this party. Now.

Turn the party down. Madison Square Garden.

This guy is crazy.

I am about to go to the madison square garden and explain it.

Nate is to set it up now.

Do not try to convince me otherwise! I'm doing this right now!

Do not try to stop me! / Oh, shit!

Do not try to stop me!

Hey, kev, wait!

Well, then, you try to stop me! I'm going to!

Hey, Kev, what are you doing, guy?

What the hell are you doing, guy? Not touching my shit!

Shut the ass up, man.

Everyone, listen! This party is officially closed.

Kevin is about to go to the madison square garden

Because he wants to explain. Good night.

We? / Where?

He will explain it to you!

Go! Go, go, go, go, 90!

Kev! Wait!

Oh, shit. Move, bitch!

Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, No!

Why this son of a bitch do not take the elevator?

Damn. I should have took the elevator.

Kev! What are you doing? / Get your hands on damned of me.

But the garden? Are you going to do the garden?

You are doomed I'mma right to do the garden!

Guy, he's crazy / why not me?

It's going to be 30,000 people in the garden, my bro.

There are 30,000 people cursed in the garden?

Well, there was nobody to tell me that.

I'm out, I'm out. Now. I'm going to. I'm about to leave.

To the garden.

Phew!

Relax. Breathe, kevin, you are as well.

Are you ready for this. Ok? It is time!

It is time that you explain this shit.

It is true that you do not mess with the bitches dark skin no more?

By that I don't like girls with dark skin? I don't even know where this came from.

I am friends with so many girls of dark skin. So many of them.

My daughter is dark skin!

I love my daughter. So, I think that I don't love my daughter?

Boy, I'll tell you.

I heard your ass don't even talk to his ex-wife not more.

Ok, I and my ex-wife are friends! What are you talking about?

The divorce, that kevin change?

Oh, he hollywood now.

Kevin hollywood now, because he has a divorce.

Please. We are friends.

We are applicable. We are applicable.

I hope I said the right word, because I do not even know.

But we are.

This is the best thing about being a comedian, I can deal with that.

I can talk about it my damn self / hey, look!

Is that the comedian hysterical, Kevin Hart.

Because, well.

There is no way to explain that. This is fair.

It is a bad day.

Old lab-Ass Nigga.

Ok, ok, now that is enough.

Bitch Local-Ass.

I'm not going to tolerate it. Not after what I spent this year.

You will not me no lab, no bitch local-Ssa call.

Do you know why?

I have traveled around the world doing comedy, people. I did!

You know what, I don't like the fact that I'm saying this.

I prefer to show. Look to yourself, people.

This is the second time he comes back here,

And you showed me nothing but love.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing / fantastic.

Kevin Hart is the funniest man alive.

You have no father

Thank you for the love. Thanks for the support.

We completely love it. Continue coming!

It was amazing / I love Kevin.

I love cum, toronto! Thank you!

The show was amazing! / It was great.

We love you, Kevin Hart!

I feel so genuine.

You have no idea how much I love and appreciate you

To the fucking support that you gave me.

You are about to shit, aren't you? / No, no. There is no shitting on the bus.

Is if he is shitting on a good bus / no shitting on a bus.

On the lower floor? / No, there is no shitting on the bus at all.

I am calling a meeting of the team now.

In shitting. In shitting on the bus, guy.

I can't, dude! I shit at least seven times per day.

When I have to shit, let's pull over and go.

So, can we pull over? / Yes.

Yes. We're not saying that the shit in yourself!

Well, I'm going to.

I have a rule. The shit heads on a bus, you have to pay $ 500.

$ 500 on the crapper?

This is a fine.

So, as I say, what is going on, guys?

Okay. Now, how many people do you know who I am? Ask them.

I love Kevin Hart!

Let me tell you one thing.

I've never been to Oslo in my life.

Never, ever.

And the first time I come here, I welcome with a sold-out show.

Really, I fucking thank you.

I loved him in soul plane. Definitely your best work.

Well, kevin, you are amazing. It was good to see you in Denmark.

Yes. You will be missed, and you definitely need to come back.

All right, all right, all right!

Amsterdam! Thank you for the love.

Thanks for the support.

Want to see if you niggas is strange or not?

To be on a bus with them for 10 hours.

You will see a lot of shit.

We were driving for eight hours.

We could have been there in a in a plan guide.

I think that was a smart decision.

Man, this is the shit more stupid than he already did.

There was no one to do this.

He is still the same son of a bitch idiot he was cursed, for 27 years.

Just look like a bunch of idiots on a double-decker bus.

Or get on a plane for two and a half hours,

Or take a bus for 10 hours and be with your friends and chat with each other.

Some people here stink.

There's a stink of hell.

It is just a bunch of funky-Ass.

It's like gumbo.

Manos I'm going to-Hygiene-Ass on this bus.

It is disgusting.

This is why I'm here in the quarters, you know.

I and my lady, we put it here in comfort.

Hey, the tour bus was a mistake!

Birmingham, you are incredible. Thank you for the love. I'm out.

It was cold! / The show was hilarious.

I love you! / That was amazing.

This was a show brilliant.

Kevin!

All the way. You have to see it, you have to see it.

Brilliant. Excellent.

He is sexy in real life / all right, all right!

I'm going to marry you.

Whoo!

Kevin!

Go back to the Uk and smash him again, Kevin Hart.

The guy is good all the time.

Wow! London, this is madness! I can't believe it, guy.

I came here and sold out.

Thank you to all of you. I love you all.

I really feel that kevin became the young mogul that he really wants to be.

Kevin was a guy that was faithful to its history.

He knew where he came from, he knew where he wanted to go.

I saw where it started.

And to see it through a hole-In-The-Wall bar in Atlantic City

To perform in front of 15,000 people,

You know, you have to take your hat off.

I mean, he can go to Norway, and Sweden, and in Denmark,

And get the reception he is receiving.

It is becoming a global brand.

All that he has done, we have pretty much seen on youtube.

Youtube / youtube.

On youtube, everything.

Then I saw on youtube and I thought it was hilarious.

But I've seen his stuff on youtube, and I love it, guy.

I saw, as well, each show on youtube.

I saw all of your programs on youtube, dude!

I have about 1,000 miles away in other countries,

And the love that this cat is getting.

He is so loyal.

How, he does not want anyone to feel as if he is not there for them.

This is a team.

This has been running for four years strong, and we all worked well together.

God, is this angel in my corner

As you always are.

Mother, I know that you are looking for me, and I know that you're proud of. Amen.

I know that I am in the madison square garden, and that shit is sold out.

You better make some damn noise!

I'll tell you another time.

I know that I am in fucking madison square garden.

This bitch sold out.

You better make some damn noise!

Uh.

You see my fire? You see my fire?

You have to be a big deal to have fire, people.

This means that I am a big damn thing.

Let me tell you why I have fire. Let me tell you why.

I went to go see Jay-Z and Kanye perform, right?

These niggas had a lot of fire.

I was like, yo, this show is the shit ', because they have the fire.

The comedian has ever had fire.

I'm about to be the first comedian with a damn fire.

So.

So, all my show, you will see a lot of fire useless.

You are laughing? I'm not kidding. I'm serious.

Do you think that it is a game?

Give the fire for these bitches one time.

There's about to be a bunch of fire.

This show is going to be hot. Literally.

Hum.

Lot of things to talk about, guy.

I want to talk about the fact that I'm happy. I'm happy now, people.

Uh.

I want to explain because I'm happy.

First of all, my divorce is final.

This is the first reason.

Now, here is what I want to explain about my divorce.

Everyone assumes that because you went through a divorce,

You went through a fucked up life.

You hate the other. Your enemies. It is not true.

At the end of the day, which is the mother of my children.

I will always respect her as the mother of my children.

She is happy, she went ahead. I'm happy, I've changed.

I am more happy than she is, despite everything. I am.

No, I am. I'm doing a lot of shit happy now, people. You have no idea.

I took the fuck of a ride the other day.

You know how happy you must be to give a tour cursed?

Just to go off and start to fuck the walk?

I knew that I was happy, because I was talking to me while I was walking.

I was like, are you hungry? I could eat.

It was only me, despite of everything. Right?

No one else was there.

I stopped, I fed pigeons. This one is fucking happy!

You have to be happy to feed pigeons.

Here is a beautiful thing about me feeding pigeons.

When I was done feeding the pigeons, I don't have to lie about it.

See, when you're married, you lie about this shit.

Because you don't believe that his wife never would believe

That you were doing something as dumb as feeding some pigeons cursed.

There is not a married man sitting in this audience now

This can go out and feed pigeons,

And his wife calls, and she says, baby, where are you?

And you will, I'm feeding the pigeons.

And she believes that he was feeding some goddamn pigeons.

It will never happen. Is a discussion off the bat.

Where are you, dear? I'm here pigeons feeding.

You're not feeding there are pigeons cursed!

What are you talking about? I'm feeding the pigeons.

Then, place the pigeon on the fucking phone.

What?

Let me talk to the goddamn pigeon.

This is no pigeon.

Tell the bitch sitting next to her that is making the noises of the pigeon on the phone,

When I see her, I'll beat her ass.

'Oh, faux noise pigeon doing ass'bitch.

'Oh, not knowing how to sound like an ass pigeon' bitch.

In fact, tell that bitch that when I see her,

I'm going to catch a pigeon real and beat the shit out of her with it.

She could see that a pigeon real, it seems.

'Oh, false vocal cords pigeon having ass' bitch.

I'm fucking kill you, dude.

Get fire on these bitches one time.

I'm at a point now where I understand who I am as a man.

I know that my pros, I know my cons.

Here is what is bad about me, people. I am a liar. I like to lie.

Uh. I don't know why. I wish I could stop. I can't. I think I'm sick. It is a disease.

I can't even tell good lies.

I say a bunch of idiot gets on a regular basis.

Let me tell you one thing. There is nothing worse

Than tell a lie idiot and be caught telling a lie idiot.

For example, I don't like talking on my cell phone.

I can't be talking on my phone.

But I don't know how to tell people that I don't like talking on my phone.

I think it makes me, kind of a jerk, so I prefer to lie about it.

Here is how I caught the other day. I'm in my car, I'm driving.

My boy calls me when I'm driving, I pick up, yo, what?

Kev, what is happening? Instantly, I lie.

I said, dude, I can't be on the phone as well.

I'm out of the country.

I'm not trying to have a telephone account high-Ass.

This is not bullshit. This is what I heard, he said:

Bro, is not that you at the light right there in front of me?

I said, what?

I'm so oblivious to the lie, I just waved.

Which is it, guy? What is going on with you, baby?

By what you said that was out of the country?

I didn't say that. I never said that.

I don't want to be a liar. I don't.

I blame you. It is your fault.

Because you put me in positions where I have no choice not to be lying.

For example, I'm here. I'm in New York city.

I'm at the airport. I'm in the luggage, right?

This girl sees me, she goes out.

She loses his fucking mind.

As soon as she saw me, she was like,

Oh, my God, no, kevin!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! I can't believe it!

God must be preaching a part of me! God must be preaching a part of me!

Oh, my god!

I said that I was going to see it, and then I see you, and now I'm looking at you.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Oh, my god!

Can you do me a favor? You can wait here for about 30 minutes?

My mother is about to land. She would love to take a photo with you.

I was like, fuck, yes, I'll wait. Go ahead, go get it.

As soon as she left, I took.

Bitch, I'm not here to not 30 minutes waiting for his mother cursed.

No! Mate-if. Die! Today!

Death to you, you bitch, die!

I'm not fucking waiting for you.

But I can't say it.

If I say that, that makes me, well, a jerk.

There are certain lies that I can't say.

For example, I can't tell big lies.

The reason why I can't tell big lies

It is because I am one of those people who begin to believe the lie.

Like, once I get that ball rolling, I can't stop.

You know that I respect?

I respect the people who work at a job from nine to five

This would show up late for work without an excuse.

They show up, take full responsibility.

Hey, I'm sorry, I'm late. This will never happen again.

I slept too much, I apologize. It is irresponsible in my name.

If I do this again, I resign.

I respect people who can do that.

Because I can't do this ', because I am a liar. I am.

If I'm late, something happened.

I don't give a damn. Something drastic happened.

Hey, guy, sorry for the delay.

I was on the road and a baby fucking was running on the road.

Yes, I know, right? Shit is crazy.

As soon as I get out of the car, I started chasing the baby.

In my mind, I'm like, 'why are you running, baby? '

This is what I'm thinking, right?

I'm like, "what do you do? '

Because I can not just pick up the baby and throw the baby in the car, this is kidnapping.

I fuck and go to jail.

I have a little, but I'm going to be raped. I know that I will you rape me in jail.

I'm not trying to be raped.

So I had to make a decision. I was like, 'shit, what do I do? '

So I decided to adopt the baby.

What I did was, I downloaded this app on my iphone, this adopt the application of the baby, right?

I put the bar code on the baby's head. Boop!

In this way, the baby knew that he was my baby.

I put the baby in the car, I'm going to withdraw,

I turn around, a deer was running toward the car.

So, I'm like, 'oh, shit! This deer is about to eat the baby!!! '

This is what I'm thinking, right?

But then I looked more closely, I noticed the front part of the deer was a deer,

The half back was a zebra.

It was half deer, half zebra.

So, I'm like, 'oh, shit! It's a deerbra! '

As, that is what I am thinking, "is the fuck of a deerbra. '

Then I call the zoo, I am so,

'Yo, there's a fucking deerbra out here in the road! '

He was like, 'what is this? "I was like, 'half deer, half zebra. '

He was like, 'you just do this? "I was like, 'I think so. '

Hum.

He said, 'let's go, knock it down. '

As soon as I get there, he sees, he's like, 'oh, shit, it's half deer, half zebra! '

I said, 'this is what I was trying to say to you on the phone, it's a deerbra.

He was so, well, what do you want? You want money for it? '

I said, no, I don't have that kind of time.

"I have to go back to the car, because my youngest son is in the car alone.

So I go back to the car, you see, the baby that I thought was a baby was not a baby.

Was a grown man-Ass with the disease button benjamin.

Let me tell you how I discovered this.

I discovered this, because when I got to the car, the baby woke up.

I was like, 'Hey, I'm your new father. I've just adopted you.

He was like, 'you are not my father, bitch! I am 65 years old.

I said, 'damn! 'He said,' I have a disease.

I was like, 'you have this button benjamin.

He was like, 'where's my deerbra?

I said, 'I knew it was a deerbra damn, I knew who it was.

"I just took it to the zoo.

He was like, 'Well, how the heck do I get home?

I said, 'you ride that son of a bitch, dude?

Anyway, long story short, this is why I'm five minutes late for work,

Because it took a long time-Ass for me to start fucking deerbra in the car.

Understand one thing, people. Lying will ruin your life.

Lying will ruin your life damn.

Lying ruined my marriage. Real shit, sweetheart.

Lying ruined my marriage, cursed.

This is a lie, I cheated.

Let's talk about this, but let's figure this out.

Do not think me. Allow me to explain. Hum.

Yes. Yes, people, I cheated.

I am ashamed of that? Not. No, I'm not.

Not that I wish that I could take it back?

Not. No, I'm not going to. Let me tell you why.

You can't develop yourself as a man that you never make a mistake.

The only way that you could be perfect is to fuck.

I understand, I fucked up. Don't cheat. Nah! Whatever it may be.

Now, I think cheating was the problem? No, I do not do.

Cheating was not the problem.

Lie about the betrayal was the problem.

If I had been honest about it, it could have worked out.

But I was not. I lied.

And I just don't lie about me, I put my best friend in my lie.

Now, I do not think this is a bad thing to do.

Let me explain why.

If you are my best friend, I shouldn't have to ask you to lie to me.

I shouldn't have to ask his permission for me to put you in my lie.

Do you know why? Because you are my best friend fucking, fucking.

This is your job.

The day you signed up and said that we best friends,

This means that my shit is your shit.

And your shit is my bullshit.

If you are my best friend of truth,

You should know that I need you to lie to me with the look on my face.

If I'm looking at you, and I'm not blinking, if I am so.

This is a sign damn.

This means that, the dog began to fall on us.

My back is against the wall. This is not a test.

It is the real deal, help me! Help me!

Nigga! Help me!

My friend Harry ignored all signs, ok?

Let me tell you how shit hit the fan.

I've been in the house, right?

Come in the house, like, 4:00 in the morning.

I'm drunk, people. Drunk as shit.

I don't have balance. I'm all over the place. I'm rocking backwards and forwards.

As soon as I enter the house, she wakes up, she goes out.

You know what? I'm tired of it. I know you're probably out with some bitch.

You were probably playing with some bitch.

Now, I'm drunk, I don't want to answer because I have no balance.

I'm rocking backwards and forwards.

You don't seem to believable when you're rocking back and forth.

So, I had to choose a position in which I looked believable.

So, I chose this.

I said, let me tell you one thing, listen to me.

There was nobody with no bitch, ok? You are wrong.

In fact, to prove that you are wrong, I'm going to call harry.

Harry didn't expect me to call you now, so Harry has no reason to lie.

And I'm going to put it on speakerphone.

About to make you feel stupid. Watch this.

Notice how you feel stupid. Watch. Watch this.

Harry. Harry, very quickly, do not lie.

Let's stop there. Let's stop there for a second.

What does that mean? What this means, people?

Lie. This means that, to lie. Now.

This means that, the dog began to fall on us.

My back is against the wall. This is not a test.

It is the real deal, help me! Help me!

Nigga! Help me!

Harry ignored all the signs.

I'll tell you exactly that, " said Harry.

I said, harry. Harry, very quickly, do not lie. Where that comes from now?

He said, man, you was with that bitch with the fat ass.

What? "Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

"Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Yo.

I was so scared to cum. I was so scared.

I mean, this bitch is going to kill me. She's going to kill me.

See, but understand something. I'm not angry with Harry.

The reason why I'm not angry with harry harry is because he's made some fucking dumb,

But I understand that it is.

See, harry may be the more intelligent friend more idiotic than I ever had in my life, ok?

Let me tell you the stupidest thing Harry ever did.

Harry invented the code to use

To let the other know when we were around our women.

Basically, if someone used the code, that is, don't say anything stupid.

You can be in the viva-voice. Not to say nothing changes.

The phone can be high enough so that my girl can hear everything you're saying.

This means, do not say anything that might harm our relationship.

The code was, man, I'm hungry as hell.

This is the code, people. Man, I'm hungry as hell.

Here is what irritated me about the code.

Harry invented the code of fucking.

Therefore, there is no reason why Harry should have messed up the code.

See how harry screwed up.

I'm in the car with my wife. I'm driving, she's in the passenger seat.

Harry calls me when I'm in the car.

I have the shit of the bluetooth in the car, then my phone rings, all the rings car.

Harry's name appears in the panel.

I reply: what, boy?

Kev, what is happening? It is not a shit.

This is how I knew that the conversation was about to take a turn for the worse.

This is how I knew that he was about to get dirty. He said:

Nigga!

Harry, hey, hey. Man, I'm hungry as hell!

He said: I am not. I just ate. What? What! Harry!

Harry!

Harry! I said, man, I'm hungry as hell.

He says, yo, you should go to subway and get the footlong for five dollars.

What the fuck is this! Harry! Harry!

I said, man, I'm hungry as hell.

He said, oh, this must mean that you are ready to eat these bitches white.

What? "Oh, no. Not, not, not, not, not.

No, no, no.

I don't eat no bitch white. I don't eat there bitches white.

I've never done. Oh, my God, no. "Oh, no.

You, have you ever had problems with your girl

To the point that you are afraid to look for it,

But you can feel it, looking to the side of his face, cursed?

I was so scared, I never looked for it.

I just looked and it started to make noise, idiot.

I started pointing out shit.

Oh, look, a deerbra! You see this? I just saw a deerbra.

I'm fucking kill you, dude.

Get fire on these bitches again.

Now, here's the thing.

I'm not upset with harry for doing all the shit stupid what he did.

Reason is because I learned a lot with harry.

Like, literally, now I know what to do, what not to do.

I know what I want, what I don't want to.

And, staff, I'm not selfish with this information.

I feel that my job to educate you.

I can tell you what you want in your life, what you do not.

I can tell you one thing you don't want in your house.

Fellas, the only thing you don't want in your home

Is a woman who doesn't trust you.

The only thing that is worse than a woman who doesn't trust you

Is a woman who doesn't trust you that you do not have proof because she doesn't trust you.

This bitch is crazy. Let me tell you why.

She is crazy because she has so many thoughts in your head

About what you could be doing,

And it irritates her that she can't figure it out.

That is why she sits at home all day,

Trying to put pieces of a puzzle that does not exist.

Oh, he did shit.

Oh, this guy is fucked.

What the fuck is this here?

Oh, I have a butt now.

This is a woman who will look to you and say shit like,

Don't act like I'm crazy, crazy.

Have you ever seen a girl say shit like that? She looks like mad shit while she say that.

Don't act like I'm crazy.

Let me tell you one thing.

Any bitch that do this shit here.

Is a psychopath cursed, you hear me?

Any mother to discuss it with you to the side,

Oh, you have a shit bitch, hear me?

You have got me fucked. You have got me fucked.

You have me fucked up, bro.

This is a different level of woman. She is really crazy.

This woman is so crazy that when she thinks,

When she thinks that she is caught cheating on you,

Before she speaks with you, she has to have a conversation with her.

She has to speak with her.

Here is my impression of a crazy woman talking with your self.

Oh, yes.

Oh, we've got the ass now. We have the ass now.

Are you ready, bitch? Bitch, I'm ready.

There is no one there, just her.

Now, she is so mad that she can't even keep the plan.

The plan is to see it.

When she sees, she should show him what she found.

You should talk about it, I found out the next steps in their relationship.

But she is crazy.

There is so much bottled up emotion and built-Up tension inside.

As soon as she sees his face, she fits. She fucking loses.

As soon as you walk through the door,

Shut up! Shut up! Don't say anything! You are a piece of shit!

Oh, my God, no.

Hey, have you ever seen a woman go from frantic to calm?

Like, very fast?

Son of a bitch, you're a piece of shit!

I can't believe that you are hurting me!

But it will be the last time that you do some shit like this for me.

I don't give a damn for it! I don't give a damn!

Let me tell you one thing, bro.

You will get their things together,

Or you will leave!!!

She is a psycho cock, guy.

Women crazy I always want to tell you about what you did.

They always want to run down the story.

Let me tell you why you fucked up.

Yesterday in the evening, you come here, you're a little drunk, you're a little drunk.

You get to go to sleep on the couch.

You take the pants, you put your pants on the ground.

Something told me, something said to me:

Something like it was, girl, go through his pants.

I was like, 'all right.

This is the guy crazy girl.

All is well.

So, I get up, I go through your pants, I found a receipt.

You had a receipt in your pants for some gas.

But it was not any type of old gas, which was the normal gasoline.

This is funny, I am with you all the time. I've never seen you use regular gasoline.

Ladies, let me ask you a question.

Why is it that when you're arguing with your man and you repeat to yourself,

The second time you say this, you have high as shit as if you solved the case?

This is funny, I've never seen you use regular gasoline.

I've never seen you use the gas regular!

Do you know who put regular gasoline in the car?

This bitch regular you were.

This is to put regular gasoline in a car.

Shut the ass up! Shut up! You're stuck. You are a piece of shit!

Look at you! You have brightness all up in his face.

Socks do not match!

Now, ladies, let me explain one thing.

99% of the time, you're right.

That 1% when you are wrong, that is the day in which men live.

We live for the day that can make you look dumb as shit.

This is our purpose as men.

I'll tell you, three words that you never want to hear coming out of the mouth of her man.

If your man ever hit you with these words, shut up.

Don't say shit, he is about to make you look stupid.

If you're going out, you are taking,

Shut up. You are a piece of shit. I hate you.

If he hit you with this here,

You're done? You're done?

He is arrogant. You're done?

Are you doing? Okay. Okay.

I'm about to shit on this bitch now.

You're done? You're done, right? You're done, right?

You're done? Are you doing? Ok, ok.

I'm laughing, I'm laughing because you don't even know what happened.

See, last night, you were the only one in the club

That began to drink an entire bottle of patron for himself.

You are the only one who went in the club.

I'm the one that gotcha, took it out of the club, put it in the car.

Got in the car, started driving home, I realized that I lost my wallet.

I said, 'gee, honey, we need gas. I don't have my wallet.

'Do you have any money on you?

You said, in a voice very drunk, I have three dollars.

I said, 'what the hell are we going to do with three dollars?

You said: 'let's put some gas regular in this shit.

I said, 'well. We put regular gasoline in a car,

I drive home quickly, because I don't want to stay without the gas regular.

When we got home, you feel sick because of the way I was driving.

You damn rose, you begins to vomit.

I got naked, I went to bed. I kept my socks, however.

First of all, you know that I sleep with my socks, because I have the feet of ugly.

I'm insecure about my feet.

My fear is that, if I don't sleep with socks, we're going to be robbed.

And who has the gun will look to my feet, and they will be like,

'Oh, shit. Ew! 'Barn!

Shoot me in the fucking foot.

I'll have the other foot damn ugly-Ass.

As soon as you start to call me.

You're like, 'kev, come and help me. I'm throwing up.

I came running to the bathroom, you get to play-Up all over the floor.

I stepped on it, ew, took my sock off, I put his sock on.

That is why my midfielder received a ball in the back of it.

You picked it up, put it on my shoulder.

The reason why I have glitter on my face,

It is because you use that cheap-Ass glitter lotion on your ass.

Then, when I had you like this,

Her ass was rubbing against the side of my face damn.

Went in the room, I threw on the bed.

I don't go to bed ', because you smells like throw-Up.

I'm not getting in bed with anyone that smells like throw-Up.

You know why I'm not getting in bed with anyone that smells like throw-Up?

Because it will make me fucking puke!

Then I came down, I slept on the couch.

With that said, do not say anything more to me.

You are wrong! I'm out!

This guy that women do is priceless.

It is not the same as well. Listen, come here, is not the same.

I don't even want to debate.

Listen, come here, let me suck your cock.

I want to suck your dick.

Let me suck your cock, while the football game is on, throughout the game.

I'll suck your dick for the entire game.

Men are so stupid, we would be in the middle of the assault outside.

During the whole game? You would do it for the whole game?

During half-time and everything else? You will suck it during the whole game?

Deal. Do you have a business cursed.

Well, you better start sucking now, because it is a long game.

Now, here's my advice to you, friends.

If your wife is going through this period of insecurity

Where is that she is questioning her, she's going through your shit,

My advice is, stop it.

Sweetheart, stop, what you're looking for, don't look further.

You're right, I'm wrong. I need to do better.

The reason I say this is because

You do not want to see your wife go through this point crazy not to return.

See, I saw a woman get up here. Is little attractive.

The reason why it is unattractive

It is because when a woman reaches a certain level of madness,

She does not know that she is being crazy.

All the people he knows. The whole world sees.

Hey, that bitch in the corner with the diaper on his face

It is fucking crazy, yo.

She is really crazy. She is a psychopath.

The whole world knows, except her.

Here is the thing, I was in this situation. I saw a woman get mad.

Let me tell you how I knew this girl was crazy, right?

We are at home, one day, to discuss, all damn day.

It gets to the point where I'm like, you know,

I can't argue with you, not more. My head hurts. I am done.

I am getting in the shower. I am wearing.

I'm going to the store.

It is a true story, people. Exactly what I do.

Get in the shower, get dressed, get in my car, start driving to the store.

On the way to the store, I hit a bump.

When I hit the speed bump, I hear a lot of noise in the trunk.

Boom!!! Ba-Dum-Doo! Boom!!!

This is strange, I don't put shit in the trunk.

What the fuck is all that noise in the trunk, cursed?

I am small. I get scared fast.

As soon as I get out of the car, I pop the trunk, this is a real shit.

I put the trunk. When I put the trunk,

This bitch was stooped down in the trunk as well, looking for me.

I see it in the trunk of the car, cursed.

I see you see me see it in the trunk, cursed.

I just picked up in the trunk of my car.

You have to say something to justify what the hell I'm looking at.

What the fuck is this what are you doing in the trunk damn?

With a serious face, she looks at me, jumps out of the trunk,

Rolls her eyes and rushes out, as if I never vi.

Now, let me tell you why I had an attitude.

I had an attitude because we live together.

Type, I'll see you tonight.

We have to deal with this at some point in time.

I said, no, fuck you. We'll talk about it now.

I get in the car, I drive home. Here is where it gets crazy.

When I get home, she's in the kitchen, right?

I walk in the house, she said, hey, sweetheart, are you hungry?

Bitch, o.

Oh!

I don't want to talk about no food damn.

I want to talk about why I popped the trunk

And you got out of the trunk, cursed like a damn jack-In-The-Box.

What the fuck were you doing in the trunk damn?

With a serious face, she looked at me, she said, I was not in no trunk fucking.

Bitch, I saw you see me see it in the trunk, cursed.

You didn't see me in no trunk fucking.

You should have seen one of them other bitches you're fucking with,

Trunk damn, nigga!

He got me confused so bad, I started to think. I was like.

Did I have another bitch in the trunk? I could have.

Oh, no, I could have put another bitch in the trunk

And forgot what was in the trunk.

These are real-life situations.

And after something like this happens, the reaction of each man is the same.

We all say the same shit, we all do the same shit.

I is not getting with any woman crazy-Ass.

There's no way in hell that I'm getting with a woman with crazy-Ass.

I prefer to be myself.

This is what you do, you live the single life.

Single life is amazing at first glance.

Why this is amazing is because every night, you're with your boys,

You are drinking, you will meet with women, to have a good time.

The reality doesn't hit you about how bad the single life is

Until you call your friends to leave, and that night,

None of their friends are available ', because they are out of their women.

Is when the reality hits you.

Yo, the who, young man? What you want to do today?

Oh, man, I is not doing nothing.

It's cupcake Tuesday. I and my lady, we are making cupcakes.

Red velvet. I start to lick the bowl and everything.

'Lick the bowl? Man, come out of my phone.

Hey, don't get angry with me because you have no bowl to lick.

What?

Then you start to rethink your decision.

Drug. Will I have a good woman?

Damn, dude. I could have been a good woman.

You know what, I need to get my wife back.

The thing is, you can not go back the way you left it. You have to reinvent yourself.

You have to make it seem like you're making an effort to get his wife back.

See how I am dumb. This is what I do.

I'm back.

Dear, I have an idea. It will be great.

Will put the spark back in our relationship.

Will make us fall in love, ok?

We've never done this. Let's do it for the first time together.

We should both take ecstasy one time.

We must put the tablet. Listen to me. Listen to me.

It is a drug emotional, ok?

Will make us talk.

We're going to have sex. Going to be the best.

She said, " well, we'll do it.

She takes the pill. Your pill gives you all the reactions certain.

I take the pill. My pill.

Okay. My.

My pill made me believe that I was a drug dealer.

This is a real shit.

I wish I was doing that shit. I can't do this, people.

I don't know where it came from. I flashed.

We were talking about. She was like,

Sweetheart, I just want to be happy. I want the disrespect to stop.

Let me tell you one thing, you're worried about fucking disrespect?

This is what you are worried about? Hmm?

What you need to worry about

That is how I'm going to deliver this kilo of cocaine in the fucking pablo.

She was like, what? What are you talking about?

Girl, what the hell do you think that I'm talking about?

Where do you think all this money comes from? Jokes? Is that what you think? Huh?

You think I'm here to make money funny? Is this?

Huh?

Bitch, I'm in the game.

I'm here on the streets of fucking. Ok?

I have to cook it, cut it, bake it, boop! Fly that shit.

She was like, oh, my god, what happens with the children?

Fuck the children, bitch.

I'm here riding around and getting it, the group of birds.

You don't even know my life, bitch.

Listen, let me tell you how I was confused.

I was the ass, walking around the house like this.

In my mind, it was a weapon.

I really believed that my hand was a gun.

I was making threats. I said, let me tell you one thing.

If someone on the block tries to touch my product,

Chitty, Chitty, bang, bang, niggas gonna die.

She was like, calm down, calm down.

So it was that I knew that she was fucked.

So it was that I knew that she was fucked. Because I turn as well, right?

She was like, don't shoot.

No one will shoot at you.

I have the safety on. You need to fucking chill out.

Are you laughing? I'm serious. I was confused.

I tried to have sex with a bag of beans that night.

I was butt in the bean bag

For two hours, doing this shit alone.

I was sweating, but I didn't know that it was me. I thought that was the bean bag.

I was like, oh, this bean bags wet as shit.

This beanbags just about to start this long cock.

This is what you will get, bean bag.

You will learn today beanbag. Are you listening to me?

You will learn today.

This is a chapter the old man of my life, the people.

Now, I'm in a new chapter.

In this chapter, the reality hit.

The reality is that I am the only one. Fucking dating.

I can do what I want now.

Now, here is the most frightening thing about dating for me.

I believe in karma.

Whatever you do in life will come full circle at some point in time.

I know that it is, right?

My fear is that I'm going to zoar, and I fell in love, and I'm going to hurt you.

When I think about getting hurt, I think about the maximum level of hurt.

Like, I'm going to try and surprise my lady on her lunch break.

She would be in the car giving some guy head, I'm playing to see it.

Now, I know that I am not strong enough to deal with this.

I am very emotional. I break.

Hmm. Not, not, not, not, not, not, not. Not.

Choose your head held high. Not finished. Did not finish it.

Jesus, take the wheel, please.

I know that I can't deal with it. Some men are. Some men may.

Some men are strong enough to pick up his wife in a sexual act,

How to give another head of the man,

Up to the point where they can go to the car, open the car door and say a sentence.

In this phrase, they will let a woman know how much he loved her,

How bad she hurt him and where he is mentally, and he can walk outside.

Some men can pull it off.

You know what, I loved you the best that I could.

What I could do, I did.

What I did not, I tried. Fuck.

He will walk out. She will feel bad.

Why am I doing this?

I don't want to do this ever again.

Did you get that? This was the dick. Do you get it?

This was the dick. Will you be able to, you know? All is well.

Some men are different.

Some men are murderers. Some men are thugs all the time.

No, fuck you! Fuck!

If I see my girl in the car giving some guy head,

I'm going to the car, I'll grab it, drag it out of the car,

I'm going to beat the shit out of the guy.

That is how some men feel.

You would do this, guy? Chainz, you fuck it?

You'd cry your ass?

You will fight against the guy with the stick out?

His cock is out. This guy has a hard cock.

This is the wrong answer, Chainz. I don't like this answer.

I don't think you thought about this.

Should have thought about it. His cock is out.

I can't fight a guy with a hard dick. This will not happen.

The reason is because I am small.

When I struggle, I have to start from the bottom. I have to get on your legs.

If your cock is out, at some point, this will cause a problem for me.

At some point in time.

Hey, you got my girl out here in a car fucking?

Hmm? Huh? Nigga?

Yo, you will lose the head of the cock

If the cock of a man hit in the head in front of a group of people watching the fight.

You will do something you never thought you would do.

Will fuck and grab it.

You are going to say some shit you never thought you would say,

I'm going to rip you off!

This stick comes with me!

This is my cock! I have two dicks now!

Hey, if you pick up a stick guys in a fight, you have to kill that night.

You have to die that night. You can't continue living.

Because for the rest of your life,

You will be known as the guy who took the guy's dick that day in a fight.

There goes the guy who took the guy's dick that day in a fight.

What should I do? The cock that was in my head.

Hey, guy, take his ass cock grabbing it out of here, guy.

No one trying to talk to you, dick grabber.

Look, I had a thought the other day that scared me.

I thought about the fact that my children are finally going to have a stepfather.

This is a little scary to me. I'll tell you why.

I start thinking to myself like, what if I can't beat physically the father step in?

Because I know that I'm not going to like the guy.

Small problems will become big problems.

So, in my mind, the shit is going to happen.

Type, a day I call the house and in the background, I hear,

I said, 'put the dishes in the sink. '

But, in my mind, what I heard was, you and your dad can suck my dick in the sink.

I have to fight. I have a fucking fight now.

Because I thought about it.

I want to be prepared for this day, if it ever happens.

So, now, I'm taking defense classes.

Okay, this is no lie. This is not a joke.

It is the wrong time to mess with me. I know a lot of shit.

My teacher taught me to pick up a weapon from the hand of someone.

Like, if someone points a gun at me like this,

I'm trained to grab your wrist, bend it, grab the gun, point it back to you.

In the bullshit. I do this all the time in the classroom.

I am the best.

It is at a point where I had a conversation with my friends, I said:

Look, guy, if you exit and someone pulls a gun, let me handle this, ok?

I'm the only one here who is trained for this type of combat.

He was like: are You sure? I said, trust me, I'm sure.

Here is how life is funny.

We're heading out of the club, right? I'm a little dizzy.

I get to the car, this guy comes from the back of the car.

He stooped, he had a gun.

He was like that, everyone gets naked. Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it.

All my friends got scared and started to get naked.

I was calm. I'm there, I'm looking for it.

I'm laughing a little because in my mind, I am so,

You don't even know what I'm trained to do.

Right? This is what I'm thinking, right?

So, he got mad, he says,

Do you think that it is a game, nigga? Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it.

And it scares me, because my teacher

Only taught me to take the weapons of people holding it as well.

He had as well. I have never seen it.

I've never worked in that classroom.

So I don't know what to do. So I got naked.

I did exactly what he said. I have naked.

My friends were like, do something.

I was like, I can't. He is a killer. He is the real deal. This guy is the real deal.

I have security after that.

In fact, this is a lie. This is a lie. I had no security after that.

I tried to hire my friend, wayne, as my security.

Reason is because wayne was big as hell.

So, I was like, why would I fuck someone pay more

When I can give you this extra money?

You don't have to fight anyone, you just look like you would do if something were to happen.

He's like, all right, I'll do it.

I said, done. You are hired. You are my security.

Hum. Here's why wayne was fired. Let me tell you why.

We were in a club, right? This guy pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air.

Bop! Fuck all those bitches! I was scared.

Wayne, what should we do?

With a serious face, wayne said, faking being dead.

I said, what? What's that you said?

He would not answer me back because he was in character. He said.

Wayne!

Wayne! Wayne!

It will pass, it is best you shut your mouth, before you take a shot.

What the fuck is this?

After that, I hired a guy named Steve.

Now, Steve was the real deal, people. Let me tell you why.

Steve made me feel like a star.

We went places, steven move the crowd.

Movement everyone! Get a move on!

Be careful, mr. Hart is coming to an end.

I never had to look behind me. Steve always had my back.

Steve was fired because it was in a club one day, I'm in the VIP section, right?

The Vip is separated from the dance floor by a rope of velvet.

I'm behind a rope of velvet.

I say, steve, I have to go to the bathroom.

The guy operating the rope velvet moves.

Me and steve walk to the bathroom. I use it, I have done, we went back.

The guy operating the rope velvet was speaking.

This is good, I am with patience. I'm going to wait until he is done.

Steve felt that they should not have to wait.

Steve decided to pick me up and put me over the top rope damn.

Let me tell you one thing, people.

I never felt more like a whore in my life.

I was like, steve, no, don't do it, please.

My back leg came to the fore.

Look at me. Look at what you are to me compelling you to do.

Stop, steve. You're fired fucking, guy.

After that, I hired these two ex-cops turned security guards.

Now, these guys were very professional.

My problem with them is that they were very professional.

As, your security level was too advanced for my level of celebrity.

Like, I don't know what they thought that I thought that I was.

I don't know where it came from lack of communication, but it was too much.

As we go to applebee's. It is a true story.

Fucking applebee's, ok?

There is an empty cabin. I'm going to slide in the cabin.

That's how I slide in the booth. I love applebee's.

Applebee's, Applebee's, Applebee's.

So, I'm in the cabin, right?

I'm sitting next to the window.

He will, kevin, please switch seats with me.

I don't want you sitting next to the window.

I said, why not?

He said, there may be a sniper outside.

Looking for who?

There is no shooter looking for me without a fucking applebee's. Not.

I'm not at the level of the shooter in the my career. I'm not there yet.

As, you probably have to worry about a guy putting his cock in the glass.

This is my level. I'm on the level of dick-On-The-Glass.

This is my level.

Like, the shit that I'm afraid of the people do not think.

I'll tell you what I'm afraid of.

Yall will think I'm crazy, but I'll tell you anyway.

Scariest shit in the world to me are the hands the tramp.

The hands of a bum are the shit more scary than ever.

You could say that I'm crazy all you want.

I'm willing to bet you all any amount of money now,

If you walk outside after this show

And a bum comes up to you and the movies of your lip, bet money you will kill tonight.

I bet you want to bet that you would like mato-if tonight.

If you walk outside after this show and a bum comes up to you,

Give me a dollar, man. What?

Guy, you better give me a damn.

Give me the fucking of a dollar, the man.

What happened, dude? He shoot at you?

Son of a bitch threw my lip, face.

Oh, my god! This is the shit more scary than ever.

Type, you have to get rid of this lip. You can't keep the lip.

This lip has to go. You have to buy a new lip. I don't even know where to start lips.

What would you do if you were attacked by three homeless people,

And they had it down?

Skirt top of me. What is this?

And then the leader quit, and you see it as well. And he.

Oh, my God. You know how dirty your hands are?

Oh my god the fucking.

This will be the cock faster than you ever won in your life of shit.

Pow! Collision! That damn fast. You have to explain.

Hey, guy, this is a Herpy fucking?

Mmm-mmm. Is a fucking bum. What?

What the fuck is a fucking bum, dude?

A bum. A bum.

Wait, wait, wait.

I have to take it off. I have to take it off.

Wait for a little while. Wait for a little while.

What the fuck is this, dude?

Is a fucking bum.

How the hell do you let a bum touch your lip?

I thought that he was trying to tell me a secret.

What? That shit was a bum trying to tell him?

He cheated on me. He was like, 'Hey, man. '

I said, 'huh? "He caught me. This is it.

Get fire on these bitches one time, guy.

Bump bum fucking. Watch.

See how you look for bums when you leave the show.

Watch.

See how defensive you are.

I'm sorry, man, can you spare some change?

Mano, o.

Hey, man, you better get your ass outta here, bro.

You here trying to lips sudden, cousin?

You here trying to give a nigga a bump bum, bro?

I know what you are.

You will not give me any bump bum, bro.

It is best if the out of here, guy.

Beat your ass, guy.

I don't want no bump bump.

No, he is my brother as well. He told her a secret.

My brother leaned on by Mmm. Fucked all their shit.

Shit this nigga was all bum bumpy for, like, two weeks.

I really believe that shit like this can happen.

I am a thinker, stranger, people, I am a thinker and a stranger.

I am glad that I am a thinker and a stranger.

I be a thinker and a stranger made me a better man.

It made me a better father.

Let me explain how its made me a better father, ok?

Made Me think about my children possibly have a stepfather

Is what made me a better father.

Because now, not only is it important for me to be sure that I'm close,

But I need them to understand who I am and what I represent to their lives.

Now, because I see so much stuff, I notice everything.

As, my son is in this phase imagination.

Type, I thought that shit was a phase. It is not. It does not go far.

As, my son really thinks he is Spider-Man.

On some real shit.

And when he gets angry, he told me to webs.

Now, because I am the father, I just go along with it.

Ahhh!

I act as if I was stuck. This is the shit that makes me laugh.

That is how he freed me from the web.

And it will go away. Hilarious shit.

Now, only I and my son, we are connecting.

See, but as a parent, you don't realize the effect you have on their children.

Whatever you do at home,

Your children will imitate when they are out of the house.

I learned this lesson the hard way.

I'm going to pick up my son above the field, right?

My son is outside arguing with this boy over a truck.

I'm watching. I'm not going to break it.

I want my child to be a boy, let me see how it handles.

The little boy takes the truck from my son.

My son gets angry, takes the truck back. My!

Little boy back, my son, gives a punch in the back of the head.

My son falls. This boy begins screaming butt of my son.

Look, I don't know who was training this boy,

But they were doing an amazing job.

This boy could fucking fight, right?

I'm not going to break it.

I'll let my son take your ass-whooping. He will learn from it.

I'm watching. I see this with my own eyes.

My son gets angry, rolls.

What the hell are you doing, guy?

It is not real. What are you doing?

The parents are looking at me.

Why teach him? Why do you still teach you that?

I run more, I take the boy out of my son.

This is the longest walk back to the car that I've ever had with my son in my life.

He just stared at his hands. He was as well.

I don't know what happened, father. I don't know what happened.

So, I am crazy. I'm like,

Dude, if shit someone hit you, you ball your fists up, you hit him back.

You will not let anyone beat you. You ball your fists up, you hit him back.

Now, he does not like when I go down on him.

Then, he was angry. He paved.

Now, when he winged, I had a choice to make.

Can I act as the game for my son to believe in is not real

And there is more and fuck your imagination on top?

Or do I allow his imagination to continue to run wild?

He has five years.

I said, I'll let your imagination run wild,

Act like I got caught. Ah!

Ahhh!

This. This is what I heard. This is what my son said.

I had it off, father.

Said, what the hell is going on here?

Look, my kids are hilarious, man.

I have stories for days about my children.

I took my children horseback riding, right?

This may have been, as well,

The best worst day I've ever had with my children in my life.

I wanted to find a place that was suitable for children and adults

Then, we could make a day out of it.

I think that this ranch, right?

I, my children, my brother, my friends, we'll all be.

We arrived there, they have ponies.

My children on the ponies. There is a smaller trail at the ranch.

Riding the horses on the entire trail lower.

I, my brother and my friends, we're great horses.

Let's make the great escape, ok?

Here's what happened. Everyone gets on their horses.

They have their feet in the stirrups. They are ready to go.

I'm the last to get in cause my horse "I was filling in the paperwork,

I'm paying for this shit.

I get on my horse. Here is a strike for me.

I'm going to put my feet in the stirrups, right?

Okay. Ok, that was the problem.

Like, if I put this foot, this foot was not going to do this.

I couldn't get them both in, all right?

So I say to the guy. I say, hey, guy, I think that I need stirrups lower.

It was thus: don't worry about it. You do not need them.

I was like, mmm. Yes, I do.

Because everyone has. I want to look like all the others.

He was like, trust me, you'll be fine.

I was like, I don't trust you. I want to look like all the others.

He said, look, you want to speak with the instructor?

I said, yes, I'm going to talk with the instructor.

Keep in mind, your instructor is why I chose this ranch.

This guy is supposed to be a guru horse.

He was going to teach us how to control physically the horse.

He was going to teach us the verbal commands,

And he, personally, would take us on the trail.

The problem with this guy is that he can not speak English, the people, everything well?

I can't do this shit.

This is the speech that he gave before we started the trail.

Word-for-word. It will,

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

So! Will, fat, kick it! Mmm!

So, kick twice. Mmm!

So. Okay, the ride of the let.

What the fuck is this that he said? You heard what he said?

Hey, guy, you have to say it again for me. I did not understand what you said.

This is how I knew that was a lie.

He said the same thing in the same exact way.

He said, " okay. Okay.

All right, all right. Okay.

So! Will, fat, kick it! Mmm!

So, kick twice. Mmm!

So. Okay, the ride of the let.

I said, we will die. We are about to die.

My friend said, kev, stop complaining. Let's just go.

Keep in mind, I have no stability.

My feet are just hanging to the side of the horse.

I don't have nothing to hold,

Except this little thing I touch in the middle of the damn seat.

I said, " okay, I'm not going to say anything more. Let's.

My horse starts to trot.

It is not working, people. He trot.

I don't have balance, so I'm all over the place.

I am as well, right?

My feet kicked the horse in the stomach.

This is a signal for your horse to speed up.

My horse takes off.

Listen to me, people. This nigga took off!

Now, I'm afraid, because I don't know what to do with my feet.

At one point in time, I panicked, I had my feet on the neck.

Type, I was like this, right? I was as well.

But I couldn't hear shit, because the wind was blowing.

It was like.

I hear my friends in the back. They are like.

Ohh!

Oh!

I don't know what they are saying.

I assume that they are saying, let go.

This is what I think what they are saying, let go.

So I said, fuck it! Jesus, take the wheel. Right?

I roll off like a thistle-black-Ass.

Bap-Bap-Bap-Bap-Bap.

May. The horse continues.

My friends and my brother, the trainer, everyone pulls up to my side.

It is at a point where I'm pissed.

I'm like, yo, I'm not doing this shit no longer exists. I'm out.

Fuck this train. I am done.

I'm going back, I'm getting my children, I am walking back to the hotel.

My boy, getting smacked, it was like, kev, you can't fucking walk back.

We were walking for 25 minutes.

Going to take it, thus, an hour to walk back.

I said, " okay. I looked to the instructor,

I said, well, you'll take me. You will take me back now.

He puts his arm down like this, he grabs me, pulls me in, catches me,

It puts me in the back of his horse.

This is why I'll never ride a horse again in my life, people.

For 25 minutes, for 25 minutes, damn,

I'm in the back of the horse of this mano.

I turn around, my friends think it's funny.

They are taking pictures, right?

I said, put the camera up! Place the camera fucking up!

The instructor kicked the horse stomach, the horse starts to work.

He gets close, grabs my lower back. He starts to pull me, right?

Now, I'm afraid, so I can not let go, so I have my arms around her stomach.

I'm fucking awesome fucking this guy in the back.

He speed up, I speed up. I gave it, like, 75 pops.

The shit that gets me pissed off while I'm in mid-Pump,

He will turn around and go, let's ride.

I said, man, give the out of me.

New York city, was real. My name is Kevin Hart.

I love you all fuck, dude.

I appreciate you. Thank you.

Get fire on these bitches one more time, dude.

Thank You, New York.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Before I go,

I'll end with cum

Note of the heart now.

Uh. And I'll try not to be a bitch and get emotional up here.

Guy, I am now one of the few

To fucking act like a comedian in madison square garden damn it.

Hey..

Listen to me. Listen to me.

You have no idea

The damn feeling that I have going through my body right now, guy.

This is a dream turned reality fucking.

Hey, this is a dream come true fuck, guy.

Thank you for being loyal. Thank you for growing with me.

Thank you for making me fucking enjoying.

My name is kev hart, I love you.

Hey! Here they come.

Gather around. We are about to launch a surprise.

Here we go.

I'll take you I'll break it, hey

Rotate, rotate, rotate

Rotate, rotate, rotate

Kevin, kevin, kevin, kevin, kevin

What?

Now, we will bike the beer.

For those who do not know what is a bike beer it is, it's a bike with beer in it.

We are about to ride this bitch.

Everyone, let's go! / In three.

Let's go! / Pedal!

Check out the spine / foot pedal!

Whoa! Easy. We're out, guy. Us easy. We have this.

Pedal!

Pedal!

Halt! Stop at the ride.

Halt! Pedal! Pedal!

Oh, my god!

That's for sure. I am. This is me, people.

Go! Go!

You can't go to the right here / oh, shit!

We can't go to the right.

Oh, shit!

Yo! What the fuck are you doing?

Oh, my God, Kevin Hart?

Hey, you have a coloring book?

Ah!

Let's go, guy / she only realize it.

Ah!

I can take a photo with you?

Of course you can get a picture. Of course you can.

Has the fan of Michael Jackson.

I wanted to go to his show, but I have no money.

I have tickets for you.

Seriously? / I have tickets for you. Yes, I do.

So, if you hit the wickets, which is rolled.

Ok / out.

When he plays the wicket, he hits a jump, and he hits the wood,

This person is out? / Yes. Out.

Hey, don't hit me with that fucking ball, man.

You took all the protection, hendrix.

Except for his face.

Damn! This is an output. This is an output.

Here you go. Take it all / is that? Is this?

You, man / what's it to you.

For that, I have not had the chance.

Well, what the hell was that?

Excuse me, sir, do you know who is Kevin Hart?

Lady?

Okay, these girls will meet me, here.

Excuse me, ladies, that I am.

No, no, I am. No, no. It is only.

Drug! Shit!

How is it, lord?

My name is Kevin Hart. I am a famous comedian.

This is going to change. Many of them will change.

I am Kevin Hart. I am a famous comedian.

Kevin Hart. Famous.

How are you doing? / Soul plane.

Yes, it is true!

So everybody in the states that bootlegged it and didn't think that he has in any place,

He did the London, your bitch!

London, we love you, guy.

It was fantastic. I love you, kevin.

My boy Kevin Hart tore, you don't know.

Listen, kev, any time, come up here, you are welcome. London.

Whoo! This was fire. This is what is hot. Whoo! This was fire.

Kevin Hart in London / Kevin Hart!

I was there, and my sides are hurting where I laughed so much. Seriously.

Kev. My man.

You has us running all over the city, man! Let's go!

Don't nobody ask me nothing more.

I'm going to do everything yourself!

Kev, where you been? Oh! I smell of burning.

There is a phone booth here? / Clark Kent.

There's no phone booth here / how you changed so fast?

Don't nobody ask me if I am nervous or because I'm not!

I'm going to beat your ass.

And my hand is not sweaty, so do not try to touch them.

Don't touch it. And I have no ass swamp.

What are you talking about? / Huh?

Is g shit here, bro.

Why don't you just be my friends and shake it up?

Because it's time to go now.

Huh? I'm pumped up, baby. Are you listening to me?

I'm ready for this life. Huh?

I'm ready for it.

Close-out, joe. This is what I'm talking about.

You know that we / that was last year.

That's for sure. That's it, bro.

What are you doing?

I have not forgotten this because I am nervous.

What is he doing? / There is no-one to forget anything!

It is time for the show, dude!

Hey! I'm about to explain, baby!

Best watched using Open Subtitles player mkv

Automatic Translation By: www.elsubtitle.com Visit Our Website For Free Translation